Chapters Sugared Voices, Poisoned Words
A quick load of laundry and a not-too-serious lecture later, and we were on our way to the Canterlot Castle. Standing in our living room, I reached into my pocket and pulled out what looked to be a scrap of white fabric. It wasn’t much to look at as it was, but when I tossed it in front of me it hovered in the air for a moment. Pretty soon, it began to glow and grow, turning into a portal leading directly to Canterlot. I’ve never been able to see through the portal into where we are going to go, so every time I went through the exact location was a surprise.
Stepping through, we found ourselves in the dining hall, standing in front of a lavishly set table. “She does this every time too,” I quietly complained. “You know I don’t do well with fancy things. And I think she likes watching me flounder, too.”
Sighing, Luna just lightly touched my arm and said, “Just eat like normally, minus the trough and snorting, and plus the plate and silverware.”
Before I could defend my eating habits, Celestia strode into the dining hall. She seemed to be surprised to see us, so I guess she had been coming in to check on the preparations. “Oh! I didn’t realize that you two had arrived already! Please! Come in, make yourselves at home. There is time before dinner for you to take your things to the room and unpack. Do you need any help?”
Luna handed her three bags off to me. “No, he’s got it,” she said with a smile. “Hey, don’t drop that, or everything will get mixed up!”
I tried to juggle her three bags and my one. “You know, you could have done with five fewer pairs of shoes.”
Looking at me like I had said something funny, she said, “I’ve got three human pairs, the slippers I wear when I‘m a pony, and the ones I’m wearing. I’ve only got five.”
Giving up on my arms, I used my magic to carry two of her bags, encasing them in a silvery glow. “Bingo. I’m only wearing these because you wouldn’t have let me go through the portal without them.”
Rolling her eyes, she turned back to Celestia. “Anyways, thanks, but we’ve got it. Dinner in an hour, then?”
Celestia smiled and nodded. “All right. See you then.”
You know, I’ve never liked big houses. It takes too long to get from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’. Castles are better because they’re cooler anyways, but still. Ten minutes later, we were in the Night Wing’s top room. Celestia’s renovation crew had done a good job fixing it up since the whole Nightmare Moon fiasco. The floor wasn’t dotted with little pools of melted stone, the ceiling was above waist level, and the bed wasn’t on fire, for a few. There was a huge two pony bed straight forward from the door with a medium sized nightstand on each size. When standing in the doorway, there was a large clear window door leading out to the balcony, and to the right there was Luna’s TV and stuff. Beyond that was the bathroom, which is self-explanatory, though definitely not built for a human.
As we unpacked, we talked a little bit. Nothing really exciting, just “are we being ponies or humans“, “probably ponies“, “well then, where’s my ceremonial armor“, “I don’t know, I don’t wear it“, stuff like that. I was ready in about ten minutes, but Luna took longer, what with having to put away everything she had brought. After about a half hour, we were both ready. Both of us were alicorn again and dressed in our best. She was wearing her princess-y slippers (I don’t know what they’re called), her best crown, and a breastplate. I didn’t have a crown, since I didn’t want to be officially recognized as royalty by the public. Instead, I wore my shield, armor, amulet, and knife. I didn’t really have a fancy set of ceremonial armor, but my regular gear was good enough because it had never seen battle. Nightmare Moon had been my only fight. My shield was made from the reflective crystal from the Caves beneath Canterlot, and my knife was a gift from Death, whose real name is Ben. It has the power to change into other weapons besides a knife, (I didn’t mess with it too much, though, so I didn’t know quite how many) and the amulet was the symbol that declared me to be the bearer of the Element of Life. It was the same as my cutie mark, a moon behind a sword.
Our unpacking and dressing took longer than I hoped, but as it turned out we were right on time. Dinner was wonderful; Celestia’s chefs always did exquisitely. Yet at the same time, it was during dinner that red flags should have been going off. It was nothing really strange or chaotic, just things like food changing places on the plate or silverware appearing where they hadn’t been a moment ago. We ignored everything that happened because it wasn’t really a big deal though. Even after dinner, things went missing and were found totally out of place. Given what happened during the following days, though, we should have paid attention.
…
That night the staff all left for their vacations, so the next morning when I was the first up, I was the only one up. I woke up earlier than I usually did, so I had some time to kill. I didn’t do much, just took a shower and brushed my teeth at first. Honestly, though, I had a whole castle to myself for an hour or so after that, so really, it wasn’t my fault I began to goof off. It’s instinct! You just can’t be in a castle by yourself without sliding down the banisters that run three hundred feet down the central spire of the wing. And with the aerial dexterity that my human body gets, I could fly back up to the top and skip all the stairs.
I was all set to go down for a fourth time when Luna woke up and came out into the hall. Well, she yelled at me, I got startled, and instead of sliding down the banister like the happy-go-lucky child I am at heart, I fell down half the stairs in the Night Wing. I guess I was pretty loud, despite having had my wings tucked for air resistance, because by the time I got to the kitchen, Celestia was up and asking if everything was all right. I made something up about tripping and falling in the room and went about making breakfast.
It is almost impossible to make a solid breakfast with the stuff they had there. Luckily there was milk, so I was able to put out cereal with the hash browns and oatmeal. Looking at the table, though, I felt a little inadequate in comparison to the feast that had been there the night before. I made a quick trip back to the apartment and grabbed all the cereal I could and made a color-coded pyramid, but it still lacked a little. It worked out nicely though, and breakfast went by smoothly, and dishes were quick as well.
It was after breakfast was over and the dishes were done that things actually began going wrong. Celestia had us join her on a morning walk through the palace gardens and statuary. A ‘continental’ I think she called it, which was weird to me, since there were no cars with extra tires involved. It was a nice walk, except all the flowers were facing away from us, like they were trying to ignore or presence. The animals all ran away at the sight of us as well, letting out the wrong cries as they did. I swear I heard a fish chirp as it dove back underwater. As we wove our way through the statuary, each of us was jumping at shadows. Each time we passed a statue, it appeared as if it were a different position than it usually was. When we got close to Discord, Celestia stopped us.
“All the oddities we have seen this morning are symbolic of the exact kind of chaos that Discord loves. I am going to check the encasement that the Elements of Harmony have placed on him. If something is wrong, I just want you to realize that things could go very wrong very fast.” Luna and I each nodded gravely, realizing that if he were to get loose it would be very difficult to stop him.
As we approached the statue, his heart began to glow with a soft red light. A low, monotone chuckle filled the air, and our hearts sank. It wasn’t just a coincidence. Discord was loose, or at least had some sort of power again. As our faces drooped, his laugh could be heard echoing through the gardens again. The statue never moved, but the grassy area next to it did. The blades grew brighter and darker in color, creating the image of his face. He was smug, like he thought that he had already destroyed any chance we had of beating him again. “Well, well, well.” he said, his voice lilting a little bit with each word. “Look who’s here to pay me a visit, the princesses of do-gooders themselves. Though I must admit, I’m not wholly familiar with your friend here. What’s your name again?”
I took a step forward, placing myself partially between the princesses and the face of the maniac in the grass. “I’m Adam, and I want to know how you have any abilities outside of your stone body.”
“Oh, yes, that’s right, Adam. Now, as I recall, you were responsible for the downfall of that Nightmare Moon character. Yes, terrible shame, she had so much potential. Well, I guess if we didn’t weed out the weak ‘villains’, the world would get cluttered up with too many of us. So, to answer your question, you are the reason I have any sort of power outside my body. Didn’t you know?”
Half expecting Celestia to hurt me in some manner or get suspicious (she thought I was behind Nightmare Moon’s return for a while), I quickly asked, “And just what do you mean by that? Are you trying to tell me that my disrupting the fabric of time and space has caused enough celestial unrest to weaken the chaos-repellant bond placed on you by the Elements of Harmony, thus allowing you to begin to break free of your shell?”
He looked somewhat surprised that I had gotten all that so quickly, but the self-confident air in his voice only diminished a little. “Actually, yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you. Good gracious, you just made that all up on the fly, didn’t you? Which one of you two thinks she’s in love with this fellow again?”
Luna, who had remained in her alicorn form since changing last night, stepped forward protectively. “He is my husband, and I suggest you speak to him with a little more respect. What is your game this time, Discord?”
Discord chuckled like he was getting a bit too much pleasure from watching her come to my defense. “Oh, ho, hoo! Someone is a bit feisty, isn’t she? Well, keep a hold of this one young lady! And you are the lucky man, aren’t you Adam? Especially if you go for that kind of thing. Which I do. Isn’t that right, Celestia?” he added, raising his eyebrow and giving what was supposed to be a seductive look.
Much to my surprise, Celestia spat in disgust. “Stop giving me that look, Discord, it looks like your trying not to vomit. I know I am. Now quit stalling and tell us what you plan on doing next so that we can put your sorry butt back in its stone sling.”
This time Discord look downright stunned. “My goodness, Tia, what has happened to you? You used to be upbeat, proper, and optimistic. This is so out of character!”
Celestia’s expression didn’t get any happier. “I’ve had a very bad past few years. Ever since the return of Nightmare Moon and the revival of the Elements of Harmony, things have gone steadily downhill, with a new villain rising to power every year or so. I’ve had quite enough of it. Now either you shape up and get back in your prison, or prepare yourself to be forced back there.”
All of us were stunned. I really thought that Luna was going to faint. Discord just spat out random letters and syllables for a little bit before saying. “Well, I was going to allow you to participate in the first game, but not anymore! You’re a real buzz-kill nowadays! So, that leaves you two. Which of you is it going to be?” he asked, turning to me and Luna.
I was about to step forward, but Luna beat me to the punch. “I will. I am the only one of the princesses you have not played a game with, so I will be first. What is the game?”
“Well, I don’t quite know that yet,” he said, a hand appearing in the grass and feeling his chin as if he were in thought. “You see, that would take some amount of thought, and with my being the Spirit of Chaos, that would be almost as out of character as poor little Tia’s outburst. Last time I did plan was when I played with those dratted ponies from Ponyville, and we know how well that turned out. Let’s say tomorrow. Tomorrow we can begin the game. That will give me enough time to think of one of my favorite games that would be suitable for a wild one like you. Plus, I’m going to have to think of something for your dearly beloved.” As he spoke, his face broke back into his regular, sick, satisfied smile. “Ooh, I think you’ll be the best player I’ve ever had. Finally! Another bipedal to play with! I may have to look into the history of your world and find something to play there! Well, I have games to plan and tricks to play. Toodles! Until tomorrow!”
With that he vanished, leaving the three of us looking at a patch of grass next to a lifeless statue. Celestia spoke first. “Well, there is nothing we can do now but wait. There is no way to defeat him but to beat him at his own games until we can strike him down. He seems to have learned this time though, so I don’t know what extremes he will go to.”
I wiped the entirety of my face with my good hand. Suddenly I was feeling very drained. “But isn’t there also the possibility of his watching us for the rest of the day and figuring out our weaknesses and playing off of them? I mean, he does seem to have the ability to be anywhere and everywhere at once?”
Celestia nodded slowly, beginning to look tired as well. “Yes, he could be watching us now, even. What we really need is to figure out a way to communicate without his being able to know what we are saying.”
Luna spoke next. “Dear, doesn’t you portal only allow through who and what you want?” I nodded not quite getting it. “Well, we can all go back to our place for a while. We will spend the night there and try to figure something out while there.”
“Oh, one last itty bitty thing,” Discord’s voice crept back to us. “I won’t forbid you from leaving Equestria, but if you do, I will have to bring my game up a notch in order to assure myself that you cannot discover a way to cheat. Ta-ta!!”
Celestia sighed. “Dear sister, it is your choice. Tomorrow is your game, after all. If you feel you will be able to handle the challenge of one of his more difficult games, we can go.”
Luna nodded. “Yes, I believe I can. We will go back and figure out our next step from there. Dear, please open the portal.”
Reluctantly, I tossed the portal out in front of us, thinking of our destination. The familiar white glow did not comfort me like usual, though. It was foreboding. We had a rough few days in front of us, no doubt.
We appeared in the apartment just like we were supposed to, but as soon as all of us were through I shut the portal and tossed it right back up.
“Um, shouldn’t we be staying here?” Luna asked. “I mean, I thought we were staying out of Equestria for the day.”
“This can take us more places than here and Equestria,” I said softly. “We need to make one more stop. Come on, all of us need to go here.”
Celestia and Luna were confused, but they followed cautiously. When we got to the other side, however, they began to look very concerned. “Adam,” Celestia started. “What manner of place is this?”
Looking at the elaborate street lights and glowing, orange ditches around us, I felt much better. Much safer. “This is a kind of home,” I replied. “I feel at home here as much as when I’m in the apartment or the castle. This is the Crossroads, where the dead come to take their rest.”
If I had been looking at either of them, I’m sure they would have looked very afraid. I could hear it clearly in Luna’s voice when she spoke. “Why are we here? What possible reason could you have for bringing us to such an awful place?”
“Awful? No, this place is wonderful. There is a true peace here. Plus, Discord doesn’t know we have the ability to come here. He may not even know that it exists. This is a safer place than the apartment right now.” I stopped talking and began to walk towards the bench that was in the clearing down the road from us. As we approached, the hooded figure sitting there looked up and waved a little bit. In his hands was a knife, identical to the bone one I wore, and a piece of wood, crafted to look like a fish. He spoke when we got close.
“Hey man, how’s it going?” he asked.
“Not exceptional. That’s why I’ve got company. Discord is back, and I need your help. Celestia is going to be the least safe out of the three of us, seeing as Discord apparently has a thing for her,” I added, giving her a look. She just blushed like it was something she wasn’t interested in talking about. “And this is the safest place I can think of for her. I don’t think Discord even knows about this place. Would you be willing to take her in for the day?”
Celestia got upset, to say the least, and she started to use the royal Canterlot voice to chew me out. “WHAT? THAT’S WHY YOU BROUGHT US HERE? YOU INTENDED TO DITCH ME IN THE LAND OF THE DEAD?!? ARE YOU INSANE?!?”
“Probably,” I said calmly. “Which also means I’ll do well against Discord when my time comes. But in the meantime, you’re staying here. End of discussion. Especially since the portal only lets through people I intend to let through.”
“Ooh,” Luna and Ben said simultaneously. “Girl, you just got told,” Death said, trying not to laugh.
“Tia, please don’t get upset,” Luna said quietly. “But I agree with him. You should stay here.”
Nodding, Ben pitched in his opinion. “Yes, and it will help you learn that you don’t have to be the main fighter in every battle in Equestria. You can trust others.”
A dumbstruck Celestia just stared at us. “Fine,” she said after a while. You two go fight Discord. I’ll stay here. With, Ben, I believe Adam said your name was?”
He nodded. “Aye. It’s a nice place when you get used to it. Lots of people go by. And maybe I’ll introduce you to the new Nightmare Moon.” Luna’s face fell at that.
“Yeah. We need to go though, Luna. Celestia is ok here, and Nightmare Moon is a good pony mow. She won’t cause any harm.”
She nodded reluctantly and I threw the portal into being. As we left, I called out “Have a good time!” to Celestia. The portal closed behind us, and Luna and I were home again.
…
Once we were back in the apartment, Luna let me have it. “All right dear, explain yourself. I agree that Tia is going to be safer there than anywhere else, but there was an easier way to break it to her, and you could have discussed it with us first!”
Raising my hands in self-defense, I started to talk. “Yeah, honey, I get that there were better ways to tell her that we were going to hide her with dead people, but you saw her reaction. We weren’t going to get her there if I had told her ahead of time. Plus, Ben is a nice guy. He just likes company.”
Shaking her head, she gave me a disappointed look. “Honey, if we’re going to make it through this, we need to work together, and that means you need to tell me before you do something, whether it’s stupid or not.”
“Hey! Not everything I do is stupid!” I protested. “I have done a few things right, you know! And last I knew, my innovation was one of the things you liked about me!”
“It is, and don’t make this about our relationship!” she practically growled at me.
“I’m not,” I said, beginning to get angry myself. “But while we need to work together, we also have to remember that things are going to happen on the fly, and there won’t always be time to lay the plan out. I will freely admit that I should have told you before taking us to the Crossroads, but I thought that I was doing right by keeping the Princess, your sister , safe and out of harm’s way. And just to keep you in the loop, I wasn’t going to bring her with us when we went back to Equestria tomorrow!”
“I know that much, but right now I’m not concerned about Celestia! I just want to know what other bright ideas you have involving the fate of my home-world and kingdom!”
Furious, I said the one thing I shouldn’t have said. “Well, it’s not really your kingdom, now is it? Celestia is the princess ponies don’t fear!”
As soon as I finished, we both gasped. I couldn’t believe I had actually just said that. That was way beyond the line of ok-ness. Her eyes welled up with tears and she turned away from me, her mane and tail losing some of their lively, magical wave as what I had said sank in. taking in a shuddering sigh, she spoke very, very softly. “Well, I’m sorry you married the scary, lesser princess. Maybe after all this is over, you’d like to go marry Celestia. Would that make you happy? Maybe satisfy your social standing? Married to the better, smarter, sexier princess? That’s what everyone else thinks anyways. Tia has always been the better one. Had more friends. Been loved more, respected more.”
My legs gave way beneath me, my knees hitting the floor with a sickening thud. I was overcome with what I had done. This felt worse than being dead even did. There was no justification for hurting her like this. I put my hands to my face and began to sob. I won’t even try to stretch the truth. I broke down, openly weeping in front of my wife. Well, behind, since she had turned, but that wasn’t any better. I couldn’t bring myself to talk, or ask the questions I wanted to ask. Did she really think I would rather be with Celestia? Did she really think I had married her because she was a princess? We each stayed there for a while, each sobbing for our own reasons. After a moment, she turned, not regaining any composure, but facing me at least. She sat next to me, but didn’t say anything, just kept crying. I took my hands from my eyes and reached forward, stroking her mane.
I tried to breathe in, but could only cry more. Anyone who came in would have seen a man crumbling before his wife. The words wouldn’t come to my tongue; they just got stuck in my throat. Luna spoke again, this time her voice a little stronger, like she realized I knew how wrong I was.
“What are we going to do after this? If it only takes Discord an hour and a half to bring us to this state, will we last together? We don’t live like other people or ponies. We have millennia to live, but can we live those millennia together?”
I forced myself to take a breath. This was a good question, and I didn’t have to think to answer it. “Yes,” I almost spat out. I had to answer this now, before my head began to work again. That would only complicate this. This was a matter of the heart. “Yes, I want to spend every millennia I possibly can. Every millennia, every year, month, week, down to the seconds. There is no one I would rather be with than you. No one.” My words were coming stronger now that I was talking. “When this is over, nothing will have changed for me. I will still love you with all my heart and soul, and I will want to be with you forever. Discord won’t ever sway me from that, nor will any other villain who comes to Equestria to take what is yours. Because it is yours, just as much as it is Celestias. You’ve fought for it; you’ve been hurt for it. You were willing to accept a dark power to give it what you thought was best for it. You and Celestia stand as equal rulers of it.”
I stood, shakily, and not quite trusting my legs to hold me up. “And returning to the mater of us, you are the only woman for me, in any of the three worlds we’ve been in. In our vows, I said ‘till death do us part’. That wasn‘t entirely accurate. Even death won’t keep me from you for long. Especially if you need me.” As I finished, I held out my bone hand to her, as if reminding her that death didn’t stop me long last time. Looking up at me, she smiled and took my hand.
Standing, she wiped her eyes. “I think we will get past this too. We just need to remember this. We need to remember the love that brought us together. Ok?” I nodded, and could only hug her as tightly as I could. She hugged me back for a while, then pulled back. “Ok, honey, we need to figure out our plan for dealing with Discord. But first, let’s clean this up,” she said with a smile, gesturing at the puddle of tears and snot that now layered our kitchen floor.
…
A few minutes later, we were seated on the couch, soda cans in hand, in our human forms, trying to think of what Discord could possibly be up to this time. He didn’t know Luna very well, so he didn’t have a lot of known weakness to exploit. Really, he didn’t have much on either of us. Without a lot to go on, there wasn’t a lot we could do to prepare, so we ended up turning on the Wii again and playing ‘Smash Bros’ to help calm ourselves down.
As we played, the tension between us died off. We returned to being the happy newlyweds we had been before this had all happened. Each of us still had our own thoughts running through our heads, but we were good. Better than good. We were feeling better about ourselves since our affirmation of dedication and love. After a while, though, Luna brought up another subject that needed to be addressed, but was going to be difficult to address.
“So, when did you want to have kids?”
I dropped my controller and very nearly choked on the drink I had been taking. “Pardon?” I asked breathlessly.
“Kids,” she repeated, pausing the game and putting her own controller down. “I mean, we were going to have them, right?”
“Well, yeah,” I muttered, wiping Mountain Dew from my chin. “But really, with Discord and everything, I hadn’t been thinking about it at this moment.”
She rolled her eyes a bit and said, “Well, no, not this second, but Discord is what I mean. Ever since my return, it seems like Equestria has been plagued with problems that need to be taken care of immediately, and if we have a child it is going to be difficult to handle them like we do now. We won’t be able to just drop everything and go cheat death.”
I thought about it. “I guess, but that comes with our positions. I mean, you are a princess. You have to handle stuff. And I guess I need to help when it’s necessary, but I’d be able to take care of him while you’re doing princess-y things, and I really don’t plan on being dead again.”
She laughed a bit at that. She leaned against me and I took her in my arms. “Yeah, I guess, but I mean, will they grow up safely? What if something really big happens again, like with Nightmare Moon? A child would almost certainly have been hurt, and might have been used against us.”
Brushing a strand of hair from her face, I just said, “Yeah, but I’m not so afraid of having and losing something that I won’t try to have it. That sounds bad, but I mean-”
She shushed me and put a hand to my cheek, rubbing her thumb across the little stubble that was there. “No, I understand. If we wait for a “good” time to have a child, we never will.”
I made a thoughtful face and nodded. “Yeah, sounds right to me. But we shouldn’t worry about it too much until after we’ve dealt with Discord.”
She sighed in agreement and settled into my shoulder. “Yeah. We’ll handle it later. Just don’t die this time,” she giggled, hitting my leg.
I laughed and kissed her, saying, “Yeah, I’ll try my best, but no promises.”
Cutie Mark Crusaders live bait! Yay?
The next morning, we woke up early. We didn’t want to get there and find that Discord had disqualified us for being late to the party. As we walked through the portal, Luna as a pony and I as a human, we were surprised at how quiet it was. I had figured things would be in the same state as when he had been released the first time: cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain, buildings floating upside down, checkered grass. But as we stepped into the statuary, everything was as we left it. The birds were purring quietly in the trees, a soft wind ruffled the grass, and it was generally quiet.
It was about seven o’clock, so it wasn’t very early, but it wasn’t very late either. We looked around for any sign of Discord, and eventually saw him walking towards us, walking upside down on a road made of clouds, grinning as maliciously as ever. “Hello, my friends,” he said. He was obviously in a good mood. That wasn’t a good sign. “You’re just in time for the first game. Luna, my dear, I’m sure you’ll find your game to be most entertaining. Come, it’s just on the other side of the castle.” With that, he began to walk straight down towards the ground, but rather than walking on the grass, he went straight into the ground. Assuming he had gone to the other side of the castle, we took off and flew over the top, but as we came into view we were shocked by what we saw.
Laid out before us was what looked like a flight course, fully laden with just about every kind of deadly trap imaginable. There were fire rings, acid pools, and swinging blades all over the place. That wasn’t even the worst part of it though. As we grew closer, we could hear the screaming of fillies below us. As we got close enough to land, we could see that the three Cutie Mark Crusaders were trapped in the course, each by her own kind of device. Apple Bloom was perched precariously over a flaming deck, Sweetie Bell was tied over a bubbling pit of acid, and Scootaloo appeared to be the victim of the classic “tied to a train track” trap.
Swinging nimbly out of an overhead cloud, Discord chuckled at his own devilishness. “Oh, ho, ho, isn’t this just delightful?” he asked giddily. “It’s so much fun, it almost seems sinister!”
“You dishonorable, sickening, devil!” Luna yelled at him. “What kind of coward would use children in his plan to neutralize a perceived threat?!”
Discord simply shrugged, like any villain would have done it. “Well, Princess, it was after all your fault. After all, I did warn you that leaving Equestria would cause me to increase the stakes of our little game.” He waved his hand nonchalantly, a glass of apple juice appearing in his hand. Taking a bite out of both the glass and the juice, he continued. “You see my dear, I simply had to think of the one occurrence you wouldn’t think of.”
Luna face-hoofed and sighed. “We weren’t plotting; we were trying to prevent exploitation of our exploits. Just let the children go.”
Dropping the half-finished glass in a burst of flower petals, he continued to stroll about as if he were half in the bag. “And I would like to believe you, really I would! But I simply couldn’t take that chance! So I suppose I can let the children go, but that would leave poor little Sweetie Bell to fall into the acid, and sweet Apple Bloom would fall onto the flaming deck, leaving a very mentally scarred Scootaloo. So it’s your choice. Either you bring them back safely, or they don’t come back.”
Face growing dark, Luna tried to stare him in the eye, despite his floating around our heads. “By gods, Discord, you are the lowest kind of foul I have ever dealt with. When I have assured the children’s safety, you will-”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Discord said passively. “Save the generic and overused threats and insults for someone who hasn’t heard them before. A hundred times.”
Turning back to me, Luna said, “Give me your knife.” I did, and after securing it to her side she began to transform into her human form. I heard the sickening sounds of bones remodeling themselves and changing to fit her new body. At the sound, Discord turned and just stared. I guess he hadn’t known that she could do this.
“But that’s not fair!” he cried. “I designed this course to be near impossible to a flier the size and bulk of a pony! This wasn’t meant for a human!”
Luna straightened up and gave her wings a quick stretch. “Too bad. We didn’t come prepared to prevent the deaths of innocent children, so we have to ‘use the one occurrence you wouldn’t think of‘.”
Enjoying this probably more than I should have, I leaned over to him and whispered, “She likes to use your own words against you like that.”
As Luna took off, I realized Discord was right. Had she still been a pony, she wouldn’t have been able to navigate the course. But as a more aerodynamic human, she tucked and swerved through the course with ease. As she approached and retrieved Apple Bloom in the flaming portion of the course, a train’s whistle could be heard. I guess there was a time limit on the race too. Ducking and diving through the swinging axes, she was fast approaching on Sweetie Bell; the train could be seen coming over the hill. Luan had to slow down as she approached the little white unicorn filly so that she could cut her down while keeping hold of both her and Apple bloom at the same time, but she managed to do it by throwing Apple Bloom onto her back to leave both arms free. She caught the rope with one hand while she cut above it with the knife in her other. She handed Sweetie up to Apple Bloom for safekeeping as she made winding turns and loops around icy geysers and fountains.
As she drew near Scootaloo, she began to see that she may not make it in time. During as straight a stretch as she could get, she threw my bone knife with some of the greatest precision an accuracy I had ever seen in a knife thrower. The knife hit true to its mark, and Scootaloo’s ropes were cut without harming the filly herself. As soon as they were free of the obstacle course, Luna dropped the kids, pressing herself to speeds than even Rainbow Dash would be hard pressed to have approached in such a short distance. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell barely held on as Luna scooped Scootaloo up and took her out of the train’s path just in time.
Discord threw down a hat he hadn’t had a moment ago. “Drat! You’re no fun, Princess Luna! It took me all night to create that obstacle course, and you completed it in a matter of minutes! I do hope your husband is a better sport than you are!” He turned almost viciously, but as he finished a shout could be heard from the train, which had stopped at the station a short distance away.
“Apple Bloom!” The country voice that floated was from a very worried looking AppleJack. As she came over the hill saw us though, she began to look very angry. “Rarity!” she hollered over her shoulder. “Move yer hooves! They’re up here, with Princess Luna, Adam, and Discord !!”
“What ?” Rarity picked the pace up, turning on so much speed that she gave the farm pony a run for her money. “Oh, Sweetie Bell! I’m so glad you’re safe! But what are you doing here with this monster ? Eew, and why do you have such a gaudy rope around your middle? I don’t ever recall a season when brown and frayed was in. And what is all this tacky equipment? I mean, I agree it should all be burned to save Equestria from the eye-sores they are, but why on the castles lawn?”
“Rarity, it ain’t bein’ burned ‘cause it’s ugly, there’s something else at work here. Namely Discord!” she said fiercely, snorting and pawing the ground with her hoof. “Now how bout we start again with tellin’ us here what the hay is goin’ on?”
“Oh, my dear AppleJack, always so serious and to the point. You need to have more fun!” Discord said sweetly, floating around our heads like he had eaten one too many clouds. “You see, once your beloved other-worldly hero was kind enough to start world hopping and causing chaos within space time, I was given the chance to spread the joy of chaos all over Equestria! Admittedly things have been slow starting, since I’ve been trying to entertain him and the princess, but we will soon have all of Equestria in the swing of chaos.”
“Well, ah don’t know about any space-y chaos, but we’re gonna go get our friends and blast you back into that statue where you came from! Come on, ya’ll.”
As the five of them turned to head back to the train, a wall of fire appeared in front of them, blocking their path. “Oh, don’t leave, dears, we were just about to start really having fun!” Discord spoke like a child trying to convince his friends to stay at his house longer. “While it’s true that Princess Luna cheated a bit and turned into a human for my wonderfully convoluted flight course, I’ll have to think of something much more difficult to stretch the rules on for Adam, and that means something much more fun!”
“Well, what in tarnation are you planning to do to him?” AppleJack exclaimed.
“Oh, well, for that, I have a question for you, hero . Which folk hero on your home world do you most admire?”
I was obviously confused. “Uhh, folk hero? Really? Why do you want to know?”
Allowing himself an evil sounding chuckle, he rubbed his hands together. “Oh, I have my reasons.”
Knowing I wasn’t going to get a straight answer even if I did press the issue, I just answered truthfully. “John Henry.”
Discords eyes lit up, and I briefly wished I had said Johnny Appleseed. “Oh, the story of the man who tunneled through a mountain single-handedly to lead his family and friends to the promised land?”
Worried by the fact that he knew the legend, I rubbed my hand on the back of my head and kind of shrugged. “Most versions say that he just dug ten feet into the mountain, but yeah, I guess.”
“Oh, ho, but we will certainly have to use the version where he dug the whole way through! That’s so much more wonderful!” he laughed, doing what I guessed was a kind of victory dance. “Ooh, this is too good! All right, in one hour we will begin the game here. In the meantime, I strongly suggest that you find a hammer or two,” he added, the devilish gleam never leaving his eyes.
…
He left us all alone after that, despite the fact that he had set up a wall to keep AppleJack, Rarity, and the fillies in the area. “So, dear, what was that all about?” Rarity asked first. “I mean, hammers and tunnels? What exactly did this John Henry fellow do?”
I sighed and tried to explain. “There are a lot of versions of the story, but there’s one I’ve always liked best. John Henry was a former slave who was working on a rail road. The train company had offered land to those men who helped, so he was working to get property for him and his wife, Polly. He was the strongest man ever to work the line. He could sink a spike with a single blow of his mighty hammer, forged out of his chains and gifted to him by Polly on their wedding day. It took the next strongest man three or four swings to drive the same steel with the same weighted hammer. After a while though, a new kind of mechanical steam drill. It had been intended to be a replacement for all the manual labor that was being used, and if all the men lost their jobs, then they would all lose their land. A challenge was made by the owner of the steam drill: if any man could out work the drill, the men would get to keep their contract and land. John took the challenge.
“In the morning they started. Whoever was to make the most progress and drive the most steel by sundown would be the winner. John and the drill each worked hard, and in a matter of hours they had reached the mountain. John reached it first by a minute or two, and thought that since he couldn’t drive steel over the top of the mountain, he had won. But as he rested, the drill caught up and stopped in front of the mountain. The conductor pulled a lever, and the drill transformed into a digging machine and began to tunnel through the mountain. John’s hammer fell from his hands, but Polly picked it back up and handed it to him. Remembering his cause, he caught a hammer thrown to him by a coworker. Knowing his wife and his men were depending on him, he began to viciously burrow his way into the mountain. Each hammer weighed upside of twenty pounds, but John swung them like they were feathers, making great progress with every swing.
“Polly and the workers made their way to the other side of the mountain, and as the day wore on they waited for a sign of John or the drill. They could faintly head John and the drill battling beneath the mountain, and they could feel the valley trembling under the force of both John’s hammer blows and the drills mechanical workings. As the day wore on, the two fighters could be heard more and more clearly, the drill clicking and clanging, John roaring with every swing he made. As the sun was near setting, the side of the mountain exploded open with tremendous force and power. Dust and shards of rock filled the air, and for a few seconds the workers couldn’t see who had been victorious. As the dust settled, John could be seen exiting the cavern, tall, proud, and very tired. His hammers glowed white hot with the heat of digging, and his body heaved with every breath. As the sun set, he raised his hammers high in victory. The drill, still in the mountain behind him, exploded, pieces rolling out of the mouth of the cave. The men cheered and hugged each other, and even Polly and the foreman did a dance.
“But the dig had been too hard on John. His arms fell to his sides, and the hammers fell to the earth with a resounding clatter. Polly ran to him to brace his fall as he crumbled to his knees. She laid him back on the ground and brushed some of the dust and dirt from his face. He smiled weakly at her, and gestured for his hammer. She placed it in his hand, and he crossed it over his chest, placing its head near his heart. He died there with his hammer in his hand and a smile on his face. He had worked so hard inside that mountain that his heart gave out, and had still finished the tunnel. He had led his loved ones to their promised land. Legend has it that lightning and thunder is John’s spirit in heaven, driving steel to a new promised land.”
I looked at the ponies and woman sitting around me. Rarity was quietly weeping, AJ was simply slack jawed, Luna was pale faced and clearly trying not to tear up, and the fillies had expressions much like AJ’s, simultaneously letting out a breathless “Whoa”. Rarity wiped her eyes with a white handkerchief and sobbed, “That’s such a beautiful story. You should go into professional story telling.”
AppleJack shook her head and asked, “But wait… Does that mean Discord’s gonna make a fancy drill and make you battle against it? Or is he just gonna see if you can dig through a mountain in a day?”
I shrugged. “I have no idea what he thinks is going to be fun,” I admitted. “All I know is that I need hammers, and I have an idea as to how I can get them. Luna, can I see my knife, please?”
She reluctantly handed it to me, asking a question of her own. “But wait, John died. Do you think Discord is going to see how much it takes before you die?”
Flipping the knife in my hand once, I looked at her sadly. “I really don’t know. I certainly hope not, but given that the villains here have been much more violent towards me, it’s hard to say.” I focused on the knife, willing it to turn into a hammer that would be able to drive its way through a mountain. Dutifully, it transformed into exactly what I had envisioned in my head, a simple hammer with a large, relatively squared head and a strong handle as long as my arm. Stepping away from the girls, I gave it a test swing. It had gained the heft of a real hammer, logically enough, but had kept the grace of the knife or a sword.
Looking back at the worried faces, I said, “Hey, don’t worry. I’ll be fine. But what I do need is for you to stay here. I have to make a quick errand.” Without another word, I turned and threw the scrap of spatial fabric into the air, stepping slowly into the Crossroads and leaving several protesting women behind me.
I appeared in the same spot as always, the clearing down the road from when Ben sat. This time I could see Celestia sitting with him, talking happily with her new undead friend. As I approached, I saw that there was a wooden carving in front of her. It looked like it was supposed to be a bird, but she was clearly much less practiced than her companion. Ben still worked on his fish, slowly and patiently carving each individual scale into it with care. I guess I startled her, because as I approached she looked up, jumped, and accidentally cut the tip off of her bird’s wing.
“Oh, horse feathers,” she muttered. “Oh, well, the wings can just be smaller. They‘ll be better like that anyways.”
“Hey, you’re learning!” Ben said almost proudly. “You just have to remember that it’s always going to be changing, and until its right, both it and you have to be open to change.”
“He’s teaching you the Zen of carving, is he?” I asked, smiling.
Celestia blushed like she was embarrassed to have been caught woodworking. “Well, it’s just something to pass the time…” She muttered.
“That’s too bad,” I said. “It looks like you’ve got a lot of promise. And Ben is a good teacher.”
“Yes, he is,” she said, her blush barely fading. “And you really think it’s good?”
“Of course I do!” I replied, grinning even more. “Would I lie to you? That was rhetorical,” I added quickly as she began to open her mouth to answer. “And in the spirit of honesty, I have to tell the two of you something. I’m in some pretty serious trouble. I’ve been given the challenge of John Henry by Discord, and I need a second hammer.” I looked at Ben hopefully. “Do you have an extra shape changing knife or just a hammer I can borrow?”
He tossed the one in his hand up to me and pulled a new one out of his sleeve in the same motion. “Keep that one too, if you need it. Like I said last time, I’ve got a ton of them. But he really gave you the ‘John Henry Task’?”
I looked at him funny. “You mean he was a real man?”
He let out a kind of guffaw. “Ha! Is he a real man? One of the greatest I’ve known! Huge guy, heart of gold. Real nice. Good with kids.”
“You have any way of getting word to him real quick? I have to dig through a mountain in forty five minutes and I’d like to talk with him.”
“Man, I can get ahold of anyone down here in a matter of seconds,” he said, pulling a whistle out of his pocket. He played a quick tune on it, and soon footsteps could be heard on the path to the right of me.
Ben was right. John Henry was a goliath of a man. Standing six and a half feet tall and three and a half wide, he was all muscle. He wore only an old pair of blue jeans and red suspenders, his huge, booted feet practically shaking the ground with every step. He carried a hammer, almost identical in size and shape to the one my knife turned into. He carried it easily over his shoulder, the head perched on his muscular shoulder and the shaft gripped tightly in his hand. His dark brown skin almost shimmered in the orange glow emanating from the ditches. As he approached, he seemed to almost be sizing me up.
“Hey, Ben.” When he spoke, it sounded as if his voice were echoing deeply from inside a cave, but had kindness in it. “What do you need? And who’s the kid?”
“Hey!” I protested. “I’m not a kid!” Listening to myself in comparison to the man in front of me, I almost didn’t believe myself.
“This young man is named Adam,” Ben replied, ignoring me. “He’s in a bit of trouble and needs your help.”
“What kind of trouble could ah help with?” he rumbled. His light accent almost reminded me of AppleJacks, though not as thick. “Ah’ve been dead a long time. Don’t think there’s any way for me to be of any help on a surface world.”
Speaking for myself, I looked up at the man before me. “It’s not so much that I need your physical help, but I need your advice. I’ve been challenged with the same task that you took, tunneling through a mountain in a day. I just don’t know if I can. How did you push yourself to do it, even after your heart gave out?”
Sitting on the ground and leaning against the side of the bench, John thought for a little while. “Well, before I tell you my secret, ah have to ask you a question, and you have to answer it in full honesty, you hear? Do you think yourself to be any kind of a hero?”
I was surprised by the question. “Well, other people seem to think I am-” I started.
John shook his head. “That ain’t what ah asked. Ah said do you think you’re a hero?” I thought for a moment, and told him no. “Then tell me; what are you?”
I sat cross-legged on the ground in front of him. “I’m just a man. Hell, not even that. I’m a child in a man’s body, still believing in the impossible. Believing that all people can be good. Believing that a hero will always rise. But I’m looked on to be that hero, and I don’t think I’m up to the task. And I don’t want to be a hero either,” I admitted. “I want to be a good husband, but my wife deserves far better. She deserves a king, a god. I want to be a good father, but I’ve never been one, so I don’t know how well that’ll work either. I want to be a good son, a good brother-in-law. I guess above it all, I want to be a good man. If I do that, I can get as close to the others as I can.”
John looked at me thoughtfully, eyes full of wisdom. “Well, are you? Are you a good man? Do you do what’s right every day? Put the people in your life before yourself? Love and tolerate the differences in the people and the worlds around you? Can you go to bed at night knowing if you were to die then and there that you’d receive a good welcoming down here by your ancestors?”
I wiped my face with my skeletal hand. I didn’t know. I looked down at the bony appendage. I had gotten it by cheating death, basically. I had escaped the Crossroads by seeming to be a good enough guy that I was given the escape I needed. But did I really deserve the honor of that? “I’m not as good as people think,” I finally answered. “But yeah. I’m a good man. I provide my wife with a good home. I help those less fortunate than myself. I have my flaws, yeah, but I make sure I keep myself in check and remember that I’m not above anyone. If anything, they’re above me, and I need to do my best to help them.”
John smiled and leaned back in his spot. “That’s exactly the answer you needed to give. You just gave yourself the power you need. Remember that there are those who depend on you, and you have to do your very best. If not for yourself, then for them.”
I wasn’t convinced that was all it took. “But I don’t have the physical strength to go through a mountain. I have the will, but not the power.”
“Now you know that ain’t true,” he said. “After all, you been to the Crossroads. You even escaped them by your own power. Defeated that Nightmare Moon character even though you could barely raise your arm for the exhaustion of battle. You got the fire in you, and you got the power to do this far more easily than ah ever did.”
I knew he was right, I was just doubting and worrying too much. But one thing caught my attention. “I thought you didn’t know who I was. You had to ask Ben my name. How did you know that I defeated Nightmare Moon if you didn’t know me?”
John laughed a great, hearty laugh. “You are a sharp one, aren’t you, my boy? I been keeping’ tabs on you since you been born. I like to know what mah descendants are up to.”
While he laughed, I just stared at him. When I found my voice again, I said, “but, I’m nothing like you. You’re a giant, no offense. Before Luna fell into my life, I was a bookworm. You lived in the south, I live in the north. I‘m pretty lazy!”
“But you’re a descendant of mine, sure enough. One of mah grandchildren moved up north, simple enough. It’s not laziness so much as you find the easy way to do the job. We’re flesh and blood, there’s no mistaking. And as such,” he continued, putting on a serious face. “You are going to win this fight. We both know you can. And to prove to you I believe in you, I want you to take this.” He handed me the hammer that he had set beside him. “No one but me ever swung this hammer before. But you’re going to use it to lead your friends and your little woman to a life free of chaos by an unearthly dragon creature. You take this, and you make me and your ancestors proud.”
We both stood, and I hefted the hammer. It was a beautiful tool, perfectly weighted and balanced. It was hard to believe it was so old. “Thank you,” I told him. “I’ll do you proud.”
“I know it,” he said, shaking my hand. Before he turned away, I quickly gave him a hug. Laughing, he returned it, saying, “Son, you really are a boy at heart, ain’t you?”
Nodding, I released him and watched him walk away. It was incredible. Not only was my hero real, but he was my ancestor. I could have wet myself. But that would have to wait for later. I gave Ben back his knife, saying, “You knew about that, didn’t you?” He just nodded. I looked sideways at Celestia, and with a wink told her, “Don’t worry. I’ve got this now.”
As I turned I heard her stand. “Wait,” she said quietly. “I have to tell you something.” turning back to her, I could see tears welling up in her eyes. “You know, we may not always get along, and we’ve had our… differences of opinion,” she said cautiously. I rubbed the scar on my arm from where she had shot me when we met. “But I want to tell you this. Whether you believe it or not, you are a hero. In fact, the truth that you don’t believe it just makes it truer. You will win this, I know. I have faith in you. And just know that…” She choked on a lump in her throat. She was really worked up. “You are a good husband and brother-in-law. Never doubt that.” Unable to say anymore, she unfurled both of her great wings and swept me up in them, pulling me close.
I gave her a tight hug and a pat on the back. “And you’re the best sister-in-law I could have asked for. Itchy trigger finger and all.” She laughed and gave me a push away.
“Now go save Equestria. I’ll be waiting for the good word.” Nodding, I put up the portal and stepped back onto the fields in front of the castle.
And almost walked into a mountain.
…
A huge mountain stood where it hadn’t before. The girls had apparently been moved to make way for it, because though I should have been facing them, I could hear their voices from somewhere behind me.
Discord suddenly appeared and put his arm around my shoulder. “A beauty, isn’t she? I’m really rather proud of myself. I had never made a mountain before this, and for my first one I think it came out well.”
Brushing his arm away from me, I took a step away and faced him. “All right, Discord. I’m going to do this as a human, but let the girls come closer. I want to speak with my wife and friends before I attempt your little game.”
Rolling his eyes and shrugging, he snapped his fingers, saying “Oh, fine. Be all mushy if you want. But first let‘s dress you for the occasion.” As the shield around the girls disappeared, my clothes changed into the same kind of old jeans, suspenders, and boots that John had worn. They fit just right, and they felt better than any clothes I had ever worn.
Luna and the others ran quickly over, all looking worried. “Dear, did you get it?” Luna asked. “Did you get another hammer?”
Smiling confidently at her, I showed her John’s hammer. “Yes I did. My ancestor, John Henry, loaned this to me for the game. I talked to him for a while, and I think I’ll do all right.”
“That’s not a loan, boy!” John’s voice boomed from an unseen source, startling even Discord. “You’re to wield that hammer for as long as it can still fight for the good! If you have to return it to me, bring it when you die! And don’t look so startled! Ben figured out a way to allow us to see and hear everything that’s going on, and even speak with you. So don’t foul up!”
Feeling strangely comforted, I pulled the knife out of its sheath and turned it into a hammer as well. As I took my place, I looked behind me and looked at my wife, fellow Elements, and the three greatest fillies I had ever met. They all looked at me wordlessly, their eyes saying, “You’ve got this.”
Discord stood next to me and repeated the instructions. “You have to make it through this mountain in a day, just as your ancestor John did. You will start at the sound of the shot.” He held a carrot high in the air. “Ready, set, GO!” on go, the carrot exploded, and I swung the hammers simultaneously, carving a foot out of the rock with my first swing.
…
I don’t know how long I was swinging. All I knew for what seemed like a lifetime was swinging steel and flying rock. The bone hammer acted exactly as the steel one, sparking against the rock as it struck. Each shower of sparks showed me where it was that I wanted to swing next and threatened to burn my skin if I got too close. After a while though, I didn’t even feel the burns. There was only the rock. There was only its strength trying to rival mine.
And it was intoxicating.
As I tunneled, I could feel my blood surging through my body, powering every move. I knew why John had loved his work so much. Even as my body grew tired, I kept pushing myself deeper into the mountain. I could almost feel the mountain weakening under every blow, and Discords spirit with it. After a certain point, the feeling of it changed. The rocks seemed to begin to fight back, becoming harder to break and releasing sharper shards when they did. I felt the pieces tear at my already shredded and burned skin, but I had to keep fighting. Discord would not beat me.
Suddenly, one rock exploded in a shower of not heat and flaming sparks, but magical energy. I felt it tear at every fiber of my being, but I was on too much of a roll. I couldn’t be stopped. It wore at my strength, making me feel more and more tired all the faster. Then, it just stopped. I kept digging, but I could feel the magic stop and felt all of my strength return at once. I felt as if I were a hundred pounds lighter, and as if the hammers were striking with a destructive, explosive force. My work became a joy again, and I even stopped noticing the sparks and shards as they hit me. There was only a feeling of victory and triumph.
The rocks became weak again, crumbling under the force of every swing. When I reached the far side of the mountain, I was almost sorry it was over. I looked into the sky and saw the sun was still partially in the sky. I raised my hammers over my head as John had, but feeling much better than he had been after his fight. Discord and the others were a short distance in front of me; just a little was down a hill made by the mountains appearance. As I descended, I looked at the hammers. They were white hot and smoking, like in the legend. Luna ran forward, smiling from ear to ear and with her arms open wide. I dropped my hammers and ran to her, and as we met we knew something was very wrong. Instead of wrapping her up in my arms, I passed right through her. We stopped a few feet from each other, and we turned and tried to hug again, this time more slowly. I only passed through her again. Turning to Discord, I became angry.
“And what’s the joke here? I beat your game. You’ve lost. What have you done to me?!” I yelled at him.
“Oh, dear,” he muttered with a false expression of sympathy. “It appears as if your spirit has been separated from your body.”
Author's Note
Sorry it took me so long to get this up. I was in a poor internet area over the break, but things will be moving along quickly now! Thanks to everyone for being so patient.
“You’re going to have to lay that out for me,” I said. “You mean I’m dead? If I’m dead, shouldn’t I be at the Crossroads?”
Discord was busy laughing like this was the funniest thing he had ever seen. “Oh, ho! You should all see the looks on your faces!” he wheezed, conjuring a mirror in front of each of us. I didn’t think the empty mirror in front of me was very funny. As he laughed, I focused on transforming into an alicorn. As my bones reshaped themselves, I did my best to keep sight of Discord, who was busy rolling on the sky, holding his sides. As soon as the transformation was finished, I began to focus a magic blast into my horn.
“Hey!” I yelled, finally getting his attention. “If I’m dead, why am I not at the Crossroads?!”
He came down to the ground, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye. “I never said you were dead, just that your spirit was detached from your body. And you should really put away that horn before you hurt yourself. But wait, you can’t anymore. Oops!” Finally catching the deadly glint in my eyes, he put up his hands. “All right, all right. I may have rigged the mountain so that there were some magical rocks about three quarters of the way through that were supposed to put you in the most incredible torment you’d ever experienced. It was supposed to stop you. It’s stopped everyone else I ever used it on. But you pushed through it, you big burly man!” he exclaimed, pretending to hit me on the shoulder.
“If I lost my body inside the mountain, why was I able to keep digging?” I asked, not getting any happier.
Discord shrugged. “Now that I don’t know. I guess that those hammers of yours are tangible in both the mortal and spiritual realms. Whoever gave them to you has some good foresight.”
Allowing myself to admit I couldn’t hit Discord as I was, I stopped preparing a missile, instead turning my face to the sky, smiling. John was smarter than he let on. I brought my gaze back down to Discord. “I beat your game even after you cheated, so put me back into my body. Now.”
“Ooh, so touchy. But to be quite honest, I don’t know how,” he said, doing his best to look innocent.
“Why don’t I believe you?” Luna asked, her horn beginning to glow. “He may not be able to attack you, but I can. So tell us.”
“Look, princess,” Discord said, suddenly sounding angry and sarcastic. “I only use the magic. I don’t know how to reverse it, and I’ve never really cared. There’s probably some way to do it buried in the Crossroads, somewhere. Where exactly, I don’t know. So go ahead and pull your husbands body from the mountain and figure it out on your own, because I don’t know and I’m not planning on helping.” As he finished talking, he did a quick midair summersault and vanished.
“Well, shoot,” Applejack muttered. “Now what do we do? I ain’t ever even heard of this Crossroads place. He seemed to think ya’ll knew about it, though. Is that where you went to get your other hammer earlier?”
“Yeah, it is, and now I’m going to have to go back and find a way to either get back into my body or make a new one around my spirit. I guess I’ll ask Ben and John if they know when I get there.”
“Wait a minute darling,” Rarity said. “What exactly is the Crossroads, Who is Ben, and are we going to be able to help? By we, I mean all six of us.”
“Yeah, an’ we can all help too!” Apple Bloom shouted. The three fillies all hoof-bumped and shouted “Cutie Mark Crusaders Spirit Savers!! Yay!!”
“Oh, no. Ya’ll are grabbing the train home and heading straight to the farm,” AppleJack said sternly. “No little sis of mine is gonna be runnin off to someplace that could be all manner of dangerous!”
“Yes, and Sweetie Bell, you are to accompany her. Who knows what kind of filth could be there, and you would undoubtedly get your mane in a terrible muss!” Rarity added.
“Well, for starters, I think you guys should know where it is you’re calling dirty and dangerous,” I cut in. “So, don’t freak out, but… The Crossroads is where the dead go to choose their place in the afterlife.” The next ten minutes or so were just AJ and Rarity screaming. I don’t even remember what about. Something about the safety and cleanliness of their sisters and Scootaloo, then I tuned it out. I let them get it out of their systems before I continued. “We never told you that we could travel freely to and from there because of exactly this. And the risk of unleashing Pinkie Pie on the realm of the dead.” Both ponies nodded and muttered in agreement. “And it’s not a dangerous place, the people there are like I am now, unable to do any physical harm. It’s not dirty, it’s very well kept. Ben keeps the place nice.” Luna nodded and smiled understandingly at the two unconvinced mares in front of us.
“The point is we know what we’re doing. Or at least he does. Maybe. Even if he were to bring the girls into the Crossroads, which he won’t,” she added, giving me a stern glare. “They would be perfectly safe. Just trust us. Now, the five of you are going to go back to Ponyville, and we are going to figure out how to make Adam fully alive again. Ok?”
Rarity and AJ muttered something in agreement and quickly began to take the fillies home. Luna turned back to me and began to ask more questions herself. “So, do you know who to talk to? I mean, where do we go?”
“We don’t go anywhere,” I stated. Before continuing, I changed back into my regular, human self. “I’m going to let Celestia back over here, and you two are going to help the others beat Discord while I’m gone.” She started to protest, but I just held up my hand and shook my head. “Nope. End of story. Now, I’m going to go talk to the other relatively dead people. You go help the still living.”
“You know, there are better times to start being manly,” she said with a smile.
“You know, I would be more upset by that if you were more feminine,” I retorted. “I mean, a little balance is nice. Just saying.”
Rolling her eyes, she just said “Wooow. I’d leave now if I were you, just to make sure I don’t make you permanently dead.”
As I was getting ready to go, Scootaloo spoke back up. “Hey, how come you’re right front hoof that isn’t really a hoof isn’t all scary and bony?”
Not quite understanding, I looked at her for a moment before really reacting. “What do you mean? My hand is normal-” I started, looking at it myself. But looking at it, I realized that she was right. My hand was like it used to be. In a spirity way, it was perfect again. It was whole and fleshy, and it even had all the scars of my past. The skin wasn’t torn up and burnt like it would have been had the arm been there when I went through the mountain, and like the other arm still was even in spirit, but it just like I had remembered it. There were the scars from my years going camping, my few experiences trying to go rock climbing. I didn’t realize just how different it had felt when I had lost it, but I could feel the exhausted spiritual muscles in the left arm over the freshly made ones in the right. I flexed it a few times, just feeling the muscles and tendons pulling against each other. Applejack gave a low whistle; Rarity swooned and fell onto the grass (No one bothering to catch her). AppleBloom and Sweetie Bell let out breathless ‘wow’s, and Luna gaped for a second before smiling. “Adam, that is incredible.”
“Yeah, no kidding. If I were deep and spiritual and goofy, I would say that since I haven’t stopped living like my arm was normal, my spirit has retained it. But, me being me, I’m not going to think about this and go headlong into it without considering any consequences.”
Luna laughed and shook her head. “Yes, dear, that sounds like you. Now, come on. You need to get ready for whatever is next. Do you want your hammers?”
“Oh, yes, thank you honey. And would you drag my body out of the mountain? It should be three quarters of the way in there. It ought to be easy to spot. Can you just keep it safe until I can repossess it?”
“Oh, honey, of course I can do that. But I’m going to have to do that later, I need to take the girls to the train station. They could use some help with Rarity.”
“Yeah, that’s ok, just get to it soon. I’ll bring you something nice from the Crossroads. God, I hate these business trips. They’re so draining, and they’re never any fun. They need to spruce that place up. Maybe put some banners up, some streamers. Ooh, a bar.. Or a strip club.”
“All right, that isn’t funny,” she said, growing grim for all of six seconds. “Now, behave yourself while you’re down there. Stay safe, don’t be stupid, be polite, and don’t make the wrong people angry.” As she spoke, she tried to walk me through the motions of fixing my suspenders by gesturing with her hands.
“So, you want me to be a totally different person?” I asked, fixing everything she gestured for me to. “I mean, those are my joys in life, and true talents. I’m good at doing stupid things, things that aren’t safe, and mouthing off. Just ask Tia,” I finished with a wink.
“Yes, but you’ll do good because I asked you to,” she said, giving me the once over and smiling once she decided that I was presentable enough to be half-dead.
Laughing, I picked up the hammers and threw the portal into position, and as I walked through, I almost ran into John Henry.
…
John stood with his arms crossed proudly. Ben had put down his knife and fish and was nodding in approval. Celestia just sat, looking like she wasn’t sure whether or not to be happy or sad. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be right there when I came through, so I almost backed back through the portal again. John put his hand on my shoulder.
“My boy, that was truly impressive.” He grinned from ear to ear. “Never in my days would ah have believed that a man could be shredded on the spiritual level and still be fighting for his family in the way you did.”
“Yeah, no joke,” Ben added. “I don’t even think I could have done that.”
“You know, I hate to be the voice of reason, but isn’t you’re new… Condition a problem?” Celestia brought us back to reality.
“Yeah, that’s been my thought,” I admitted. “I haven’t been really thinking about being strong as I need to get a body back. And then I have to get back to help my wife.”
“Fair enough,” John said. “But ah don’t know anything about gluing a soul back into a body. Or making a new body for a soul. Ben?”
“Yeah, see, I don’t know about that either. Only guy who knows about that is crazy old guy down the center road. No one knows his real name anymore; he changes it every time you ask. The most consistent answer given is Legba.”
“Umm… So, that’s really your play? Send me to your local nut?”
“Yeah, kind of. But he really knows his curses and stuff,” he said.
“So, you’re sending me to a scary voodoo guy? Dude, you’re letting me down here.”
“You know what, I’m trying to help. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you for having finished after quasi-dead, but maybe you should stop getting dead or almost,” he spat. “I’m tired of being a bad guy or the guy you go to when you’re in trouble!”
We all stood in a stunned silence. Obviously that was way out of character for him. Celestia put a hoof gently of his shoulder. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?” she said quietly. “Adam just wants to get back to his wife and my sister. I’d feel like he does if I were just a spirit too.”
Ignoring the nagging feeling that Celestia was crushing on Death, I nodded. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m tired of being dead at inconvenient times. I’ll talk to this guy. Center road, right?” Ben nodded once and looked at the ground. “Dude, don’t feel bad. I get it. And Celestia, speaking of your sister, you need to get back to Equestria.”
Celestia looked down sadly at the ground. “Yeah, I know.” She gave Ben a pat on the leg. Yeah, that was going to be weird for a while. “I will see you when you are fully alive again,” she said, wrapping a wing around me as she passed. “Please hurry,” she said as she stepped through the still open portal.
I pulled down the portal and turned back to the others. “All right, so are you guys coming with me, or what? I need my body. Or a reasonable substitute.”
Ben shook his head and picked up his knife and fish and went back to working. “I can’t. Someone has to always be here to welcome the dead to their rest, and I don’t have a backup in place right now.”
John rubbed his arm awkwardly. “Yeah, and Polly Ann has got some dinner in the oven. And she gets upset when ah chase after creepy old men with mah half dead descendants.”
I nodded understandingly. “Yeah, I get it. Wait, what? You mean you’d gone after this guy with other descendants?”
“Uh, no, but she gets upset when ah’m late at all, so this wouldn’t be any kind of difference.”
I gave him a blank stare. “Really? I mean, it’s great that you’re going to go be with your wife for dinner like she wants, but seriously?!” I took a deep breath so that I didn’t say something stupid. “All right. It’s all good, you both have your duties.”
“Ah, ha-ha-ha! He said duty!” John bellowed.
Ben laughed a little and explained. “That’s still funny down here. It hasn’t been as overused as in the living world.”
“Gotcha. Well, this has been odd. Thank you both very much. Center road?” Ben simply nodded and began to focus on his carving again, but John put his hand on my shoulder.
“Yer probably tired of hearing me talk, but just know that you’re doing right by every good person in any world. This is what makes you truly strong. Not muscles or brawn. It’s strength of spirit.”
I put a hand on his and gave him a stupid grin. “Yeah, but muscles sure helped you out.”
“Ha, ha. Well, I’m still down here. You can get back up there. Keep using my hammer well. You’ll get back to that pretty woman of yours.” He gave me a pat and slowly went back down his road. Ben and I gave each other an acknowledging nod, and I was on my way.
…
I don’t know how the other Crossroads look, but the center road is a bit odd, once you walk a while. At first the ditches glow orange and streetlights begin to line the sides again, but after a while things begin to look bleaker. The lights get a little dimmer, the trees thin out, and pretty soon there aren’t any trees at all. The darkness just goes on forever. Pretty soon, you come to a lake. It kind of glows from the bottom, giving it a dull, eerie shine. It’s not bright, exactly, just kind of creeps a guy the hell out.
On the shore of the lake was a dock that looked like it hadn’t seen any maintenance in eons. On it sat an old man, a fishing pole in his hand and an old walking stick stuck in the ground next to him. He hummed quietly to himself, without a real tune or melody. He didn’t seem to notice me as I approached; he just kept humming and fishing. Once I was close enough to carry a conversation, though, he suddenly stopped humming, dropped his fishing pole, stood, and faced me, taking up his staff again.
“Well, hello there. Are you new to the Crossroads, or just visiting?” His voice sounded like an old man who wasn’t quite all there. I was right. “Did you come for the party?”
“Uh, no I didn’t. And last I knew, people didn’t just visit the Crossroads. Dead people stay dead.”
“Dead people? Of course they do. No one ever comes back to the dead. It’s not possible. No can do. What was your name again?”
“I’m Adam,” I said, slowly putting my good hand out. “What was yours?”
“Oh, my name is Larry. What’s your name?” he asked, shaking my hand.
“Uh, I already told you, my name is Adam. It’s nice to meet you, Larry.”
“Who’s Larry? My name is Legba. It’s nice to meet you Aaron,” he said, cocking his head slightly.
“Um, it’s Adam. So, I’ve been told that you know how to reunite a spirit. Is that true?”
“Oh, no. Not possible. Once you open your popcorn, the un-popped kernels cannot be re-microwaved.”
I was beginning to get uncomfortable trusting my soul to this guy. “Um, what does that have to do with reconnecting a spirit to its body?”
“Oh, you can do that easy!” he exclaimed. “All it takes is the right kind of voodoo spell.”
“I thought voodoo didn’t really work though. I get that magic is real, but voodoo?”
“Oh, no. voodoo is a very real source of magic. It’s actually the greatest source of magic available on Earth. If you hadn’t made it to Equestria, you may very well have stumbled upon it yourself. You have very strong magic emanating from you.”
It was getting weird. Everything he said was contradictory to everything else, and he knew stuff he shouldn’t have, like I was from earth and lived in Equestria part time. “Um, well, then, can you tell me how? I really need to be recombined with my body so that I can save my wife, friends, and the world from eternal chaos.”
“Oh, do you now? We had a fellow like that down here once. He had a funny name too. MoonSwirl… StarSpin… StarShip… No… that was a band…” He looked thoughtful for a moment like it was going to bug him for a while.
“You mean StarSwirl? StarSwirl the Bearded?” I better not have to deal with him for long.
“Yes! That was him! Nice fellow. A bit dark. Good woodcarver.”
“Huh… Sounds like someone I know… Who is that… Wait, we need to stay focused! I really need to get my soul back into my body. My wife really, really needs me. What spell do I need to cast to re-secure myself in my body?”
He shook his head and muttered something before answering. “No, no, it’s not that easy. To help a lost soul find its way again, it takes great power, and great cheese.”
Face-palming, I just sighed. “All right, pal, I get that you’re trying to help out, but cheese isn’t going to help me get back to my own body.”
His expression not changing from his semi-absent look, he tilted his head in the other direction. “And just how do you know that? Have you ever re-possessed your body before?”
“No, I just made a new one when I came back from the dead.”
“Well, then, you don’t know quite what it takes, now do you?”
This was going to be a long day.
View Online
Crazy Dead Guys and Starswirl the Bearded (?)
“So, what does cheese have to do with gluing my spiritual self back into a physical form?” I asked again, desperately trying to figure out what Legba was talking about.
“I never told you about cheese,” he said, sounding confused. “How did you know it was needed?”
“All, right, you know what? This is ridiculous. I’m going to get anywhere with a crazy old man who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ll figure it out on my own,” I cried, throwing up my hands in defeat. “I have to get back to my wife, and I can’t get that done standing here!”
He squinted at me like he was trying to figure out what I was saying. “Why are you so worked up?” he asked. “Everything works out in the end, doesn’t it? The worlds keep turning and the Crossroads stay whole. Think now. What did it take for you to come back to life last time?”
Finally, some sensible thought from this guy. “Last time it took compassion, forgiveness, and love for every creature ever born. But I have that now, and I can only travel between worlds. I can’t repossess myself.”
“Huh. That’s interesting. Did you try the cornmeal? I think it was a little dry.”
So much for coherence. “Seriously, what’s with all the food? Is the spell with food or in a restaurant or something?”
“Oh, no nothing as simple as that. It’s said that the spell is buried here, in the Crossroads somewhere. Starswirl left it here after he left. Said it was too powerful to carry around and risk it falling into the wrong hands. Not sure what it could have done in the mortal world.”
“Ok, good, this is progress.” And just in time, too. This wasn’t even really funny anymore. “Where did he bury it? Did he leave a map or something?”
He laughed a little bit. It was weird, more of a coughing laugh. “It doesn’t work like that in real death. He wouldn’t have left something like that around. He would have left clues around the Crossroads. Smart fellow, so he may have been able to leave them with important places or figures to whoever he believed would be next. And he could have figured that out by recalibrating the configurement of time and space and folding the past up to connect directly with the present and skipping all those years in between. Yeah. Smart fellow…” He kind of just trailed off muttering after that.
“So, do you know were a good place I could start?” He didn’t seem to hear me and just kept muttering to himself. His moment of intelligence was over, I guess. He wasn’t going to be any more help until he finished whatever thoughts were going through his head, and that would have been too much wasted time.
Turning back to the road, I began to head back to the center. He had said that important people and figures could have the clues. The only figures and people I knew down here were Ben, John, and Nightmare Moon, and Nightmare Moon had only been dead for a year and a half. There weren’t going to be any clues with her. Ben was my best chance.
He was in the same place as he was when I left. He had finished his fish and was working on what was already looking like some kind of monkey. Unlike all the other carvings he had finished while I was gone, this one sat on the bench next to him. All the others were just gone. I sat back down on the bench next to him and sighed. “Dude, that guy is insane.”
He laughed a little bit. “Yeah, he’s a bit off. Nice enough, though. Good intentions and all that.”
I pulled a block of wood out from under the bench where he hid it. I started to carve without really shaping a specific object. “Yeah. He said something about clues to where the spell I need being hidden around the Crossroads. Hidden by Starswirl the Bearded. You remember him passing through? Or leaving?”
He stopped his work and sighed. “Yeah. I remember him. Haven’t talked about him in a long time. Real long time.” He sounded sad and regretful, like it was a painful thought for him. “I haven’t thought about anything related to him in a long time. I’ve really tried to push it all out of my mind.”
I stopped working too. I was just wasting the wood anyways. “Thought about what?”
He let out a shuddering sigh and continued. “It’s a bit of a stretch for me to say I remember him coming down here. Not because it’s a fuzzy memory. It’s very clear, now that I’m letting myself recall it. Remember when you first died, and I told you I was like you in that I was a human that stumbled into Equestria by accident? And that I was a tremendously powerful unicorn? Well, I was Starswirl the Bearded.”
“Whoa.” I didn’t know what to say. Why wouldn’t he want to remember that? He was an Equestrian hero, as far as I knew. “Dude, why wouldn’t you want to remember being someone like that? I mean, weren’t you some kind of great guy, made incredible spells, saved lives and stuff?”
He somehow blew a raspberry. “Yeah, right. You’re still a young hero. The worlds haven’t beaten you down yet. Trust me; your fame gets the better of you. You’re enjoying it now, but soon people ask for favors that they can do, expecting you to put down every quarrel. Hell, I had one guy attack Canterlot single-hoofed just because he thought I would take him out myself. I welcomed death when it finally came by old age, and I took this job so that I could sit alone for a while. Granted, it got old pretty quick, but it was still kind of nice. To be ignored as just the figure of Death. I got so used to being called Death that I pushed Starswirl out of my mind, and just knew that I used to be Ben. I hid the spell when I died and just totally ignored it. And even if I had remembered it, I wouldn't talk about it to anyone. And I still won't.”
So my best chance, despite being Equestria’s greatest unicorn, was a dud. “Man,” I said, leaning back in my seat and putting my hands on my face. “So, you don’t have anything to offer in this situation? You, a hero and Death incarnate, can’t recall where you hid your own spell?”
“Yep!” he said, sounding a bit too cheerful for my tastes. “Don’t even remember where the clues are. I think the old man had one. That’s about it. He ought to be able to tell you where the other ones are.”
He wasn’t being very helpful that day. “All right man, if you can’t help, then I’m off.” I stood up and got ready to go, brushing wood shavings out of my lap.”
“Oh! I may have put one in the handle of that knife I have you!” he exclaimed.
“Un. Believable.” I just stared at him blankly for a second. “What other important info do you want to spring on me last second? Is my body being torn apart up there, making it necessary to create a whole new one?”
“Don’t bitch, just unscrew the pommel and shut it,” he muttered sourly.
I did, and I found a small roll of paper. On it was a strange poem.
Your spirit has been torn from your body. The answer to your troubles may be a bit gaudy. A fisherman can catch a bit of help. You just have to untangle it from the armies of kelp. Your greatest foe will be your greatest friend. Last is the woman who will be with you until the end.
“You wrote this?” I asked after I was done reading it.
“Yeah, after I hid the clues. And completed the time traveling necessary to do that to its completion,” he answered, taking and reading it himself. “Wow. What was I talking about?”
“Yeah, no kidding. A fisherman, a foe who’s a friend, gaudy. This doesn’t make even a vague semblance of sense.” I took the paper back. Looking it over, I tried to think about each piece on its own. “The obvious one is the “Woman with me until the end”, but I’ll try to have everything done before I go back to Luna. Gaudy doesn’t make sense at all, I don’t know fashion. Are there any good fishing holes around here?”
“Not really,” he shrugged. “The lake, I guess.”
“Aw, crap. That means I have to see the old man again.”
“Hey, he’s nice enough. You just have to take him with a grain of salt.”
“Yeah, well, still, I’d rather figure something else out before I went there.”
“Nonsense, I’ll think about this while you talk to him.” I could hear him trying not to laugh at my discomfort.
“Man, you suck.” I turned back to walk down the creepy road to the creepy man and the creepy lake.
...
As I reapproached the lake, I could see Legba sitting on the dock with his fishing pole in hand again. As I approached, he reeled in a large rubber boot. He stood and threw it into a pile of clichés. “He, he, so you found the scroll already? My, my, Ben was feeling generous with the advice.”
Honestly, I was a little surprised he was speaking like he was intelligent right off the bat. “Wait, you really knew about the scroll? Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Some things are best found for yourself. You need to discover who you are for yourself. Did you bring any funny cheese?”
Oh, good, he’s back to normal. I was beginning to think he was sick. “There is no cheese, just a confusing riddle that I need to figure out so I can get back to my wife.”
He looked disappointed. “Oh, that’s too bad. I like cheese. I had some here for a while. It ought to be aged just right by now. I wonder where I put it…” he was lost in his own thoughts again, just like when I left him last time. At least this time I could understand his ramblings. “No, it wasn’t near any pudding. Pudding is good too. Not kelp pudding… Kelp is gross. I catch too much of it. Tangles up the line… Lines in the dirt, leads to truth, leads to lies, leads to funny ducks… Don’t like ducks either… they eat my pudding. Shouldn’t there be a pony down here?”
Right on cue, Nightmare Moon seemed to float down from the pitch blackness. For the record, she’s a much nicer pony now. After being killed, she went through a changing experience that would take too long to explain here. “Hello, Adam,” she said sweetly. I’ll admit, though, it’s still weird seeing her so nice all the time. “I was told you needed help with something?”
“Who told you that I needed help?” I asked. Ben didn’t leave his bench, and I didn’t even think she knew John.
“Well, a little while back, Ben approached me and told me about some kind of riddle you found. He said you were having issues figuring it out and that you needed some help.” She said it like it was no big deal.
“Wait, he actually left his spot?” I asked, amazed. “He never leaves that spot!”
“Oh, no, he can call any dead being to him by using that whistle, remember? The same way he called John.”
Oh. Right. He did have that. “Damn it. I forgot about that,” I admitted. “Well, here’s the riddle.” I gave it to her and waited for her to read it. “You understand it? Any of it?”
“Wow.” She mused. “This is an impressively written riddle. Things are confusing, but they still make sense in a roundabout way. A fisherman, ok, it makes sense to be here. Gaudy, I don’t know. Maybe Rarity could help us out with that. We’ll have to see her when we go to see Luna, like this last line says.”
I put up my hands in protest. “Woah, woah, I really appreciate the help, but I’m not sure that going back into the mortal world is going to be the best idea we toss around during this story. I mean, you’d only come back as a ghost since it’s my Element of life that we use to travel between worlds, so you wouldn’t be able to cause any damage… No offense! But the others may be a bit thrown off. I mean, I’m the only one who really realizes that you’re down here, much less that you’ve changed… Of course, it would be nice for them to realize that you’re a good pony now… Damn it… I don’t know. Let’s work on the rest of the riddle. When I go back, I may bring you with me. Let’s see, ok?”
She smiled, something else I was still getting used to seeing from her. I didn’t talk to her much since I had killed her. I smiled weakly back as she began to talk. “Yeah, I get it. It’s ok. All right, so the rest of the riddle. Skip gaudy, we’re at the lake for the fisherman. “Your greatest foe will be your greatest friend”. Hmm… Who was a greater foe, me or Discord?”
She had a point. She had been my greatest foe. “Well, you were. Discord is a prankster. Granted, his jokes are super messed up, but that’s what they really are. It’s not real evil like you were, and I’m glad you aren’t anymore. But yeah, I guess you were my greatest foe.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet!” she cooed. “Well, since I’m your greatest foe, I get to give you something for this riddle. Stay here, I’ll be right back!” Without another word of warning or advice, she leapt into the air and flew away.
“Wait! Hey! Damn it.” I had no idea where she was going, and I didn’t really feel like flying. It’s kind of a weird feeling when you’re a ghost, from what I hear. Besides, the lake was here. I just turned to Legba and made a pathetic gesture with my hands. “Have you had a coherent thought during that time?”
He sighed and picked his walking stick back up. “You know, you’re kind of an ass.” He walked over and looked me straight in the eye. “You’ve lost the kittens that brought you this far. You must find them again. These tasks are intended to allow you to regain sight of what was important to you before you began your Equestrian journeys. Each item you find will mean something. While we wait for the funny pony lady who I don’t know the name of anymore, you need to find the first item. Wait…no, the second item. Yeah, the second. The one that talks about veggies. Veggies are good… You know, I think that kelp is a vegetable. I catch a lot of that. It settles at the bottom of the lake… lots of kelp down there. Come to think of it, my best pole is down there too. Forget how that happened.”
“Damn it!” I cried, suddenly figuring out one part. “Whatever I need is in the bottom of the lake!”
Lake of Choices, Shore of Surprises
“Yes, it’s about time you figured it out,” the old man muttered. “The object you seek is at the bottom of this lake, buried somewhere under the weeds. Also, there’s going to be a lot of random stuff that won’t be of any real use to you. You will have to recognize that one object that has importance. You’re going to have to work fast, because since you aren’t totally dead you still have to breathe. You won’t die, per-say, but you just won’t be able to stay under forever.”
I sighed. Of course it couldn’t be easy. That would be too reasonable. “All right, then. Any ideas as to what I’m supposed to be finding down there?”
He shook his head. “Nope. I don’t know what is down there at all except for dead plants and my old fishing pole. The last fish I ever hooked pulled it under. But that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is you figuring out the way to heal yourself.” His tone of voice had changed, and it was eerie now. He had taken a much creepier turn, and was finally appearing to be the ghostly man/ oracle he was, despite his frequent bouts of lunacy.
Shaking my head, I just put my knife, amulet, and hammers on the ground. Diving into a glowing, unearthly lake wasn’t on my bucket list. I didn’t even know what kind of stuff would be down there. I stepped out onto the dock and looked into the water. Despite its glow, I couldn’t see very far down into the water. Desperately trying to see a little further into the water, I started muttering to myself. “It’s for Luna, it’s for Luna, it’s for Luna… She’s going to owe me so big…” With a deep breath, I jumped into the icy water with both feet.
…
It was an interesting sight down there. I mean, I could see because the water wasn’t salty, there wasn’t a lot of stuff floating around, and the fish didn’t try to eat my eyes and then swim through the sockets and eat my innards. I swear, that was one of my big concerns as I jumped in. It could have been a real issue, because they were spirit fish, and I had spirit eyes now. And spirit innards, come to think of it.
Anyways, the old man was right. There was seaweed. Or kelp. Whichever word you want to use, there was a lot of it, and despite there being no current, it was all moving. As it did, objects could be seen drifting in and out of view. There was a teapot, what looked like a shield, a statue, rings, and other miscellaneous objects. Nothing really stood out as being valuable. It wasn’t a deep lake, so I had only been under for thirty seconds or so. As I looked, though, the weeds seemed to become more active, like they didn’t like being sifted through. I guess I understand that, but the next bit wasn’t at all a civilized approach to the problem.
Like something out of a cheesy movie or a fanfic written by a guy with writers block, the weeds began to gather themselves and form some kind of creature. It wasn’t the kind of huge, ridiculous creature you might think, but a realistically sized pony thing. It was a pegasus, and it was dressed in the armor of a Royal Guard. I couldn’t tell if it was the Night or Day Guard, the weeds didn’t really show very well, but my best guess was it was a Day Guard due to the lack of leathery, bat-like wings. He stood tall and proud, like he was ready to fight his last fight.
“You cannot properly respond to the words I speak, and thus I only ask that you listen.” His voice echoed through the water and stirred something within me. I couldn’t quite pin down what it was, but it was something very deep. “You have been sent here to retrieve one of the necessary spell components to recombine your spirit to your body. But you are still a relatively mortal creature. Return to the surface and renumbered when you are prepared.” Confused for a moment by the unusual allowance for the situation, I swam back up and took a deep breath as my head broke the surface. I was facing shore and could see Legba standing on the dock, walking stick in hand.
“Oh, ho,” he exclaimed. “Back so soon? Have you already forgotten that you can surround yourself with air using your magic?”
Damn it. That’s right. “Uh, yeah. I did forget that.” I waved in thanks quickly and began to focus on casting the spell. It wasn’t the hardest spell ever, but it was more difficult with the constraints of the human body. The dead human body. Even so, I did well enough. The bubble formed around my head and I went back under. The pegasus was still there, patiently waiting. His body didn’t take up a lot of weeds, I guess, because I noticed as I swam that the objects were still pretty well covered by them.
When I was close enough, he spoke again. “Are you prepared to pick out the object of greatest importance to yourself and your life?” I nodded, since I didn’t really think that I could respond. “Then sir, I will only remind you of the fact that this object must have tremendous sentimental value, otherwise its power will not be sufficient to help you. You will be allowed to take one object from the lake. Only one.”
I nodded again and began to sift through the things in the weeds. It almost seemed to be just the rubble of an old castle. Among the seemingly random objects were pieces of stone, rock, and old wood. As I dug, there wasn’t anything that struck as me as important. There was some silverware, crayons, some old food, really just a lot of garbage. Deeper, there were actual objects of importance. Swords, a shield or two, treasure chests, and treasures. As I looked, one thing especially stuck out.
The fishing pole that Legba had spoken of. It was a good pole, undamaged by its years underwater. It was just a simple wooden pole with a strong string tied well to it, but it looked like it had seen a lot of use and a lot of care. It looked smooth and waxed, and it was painted very simply. There were four lines painted on it, the bottom one blue, then red, green, and white, respectively. I reached out and began to pick it up, but the pegasus put a wing out onto the rod.
“Wait,” he said in his ghostly voice. “Is this truly the item here of most importance to you? Are you sure there is no other object you could find down here? There seems to be one of everything down here.”
I nodded and tried actually talking. “Yeah, I’m sure. Can you understand me?” He nodded silently. “Well, then, before I go, just answer me this one thing. Who are you?”
He smiled sadly. “I am a no one. There is no record of my works, there is no song written to me. I had no one in life, and I have no one in death. This is what I am destined for, an existence of loneliness. Even I have forgotten my name after all these years below this lake.”
I smiled at him. “All right then. I’m taking the pole because though it doesn’t mean anything to me specifically, it means a lot to the man up on the dock. This was his lucky fishing pole, and that’s something to be cherished. I guess it’s kind of silly to some, but a good fishing pole is like a sign of peace and contentment in a place that offers little.”
He chuckled quietly, which was strange to hear echoing through the water. “You’ve chosen very well. This is not an item of one’s self. I told you to choose an item of sentimental value, but didn’t specify of your own. This is an item of peace. You realize that peace is a great gift that should be valued when it can be found.”
“Yeah, either that or I just like fishing with my wife. She gets pissed whenever I use her pole.” I said, shrugging.
“Wait, no way, your wife fishes with you?!” he yelled suddenly. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, she pretends to for a bit and then gets distracted by birds,” I admitted. “But regardless, your right. This means something to someone, and it just means peace and quiet to me. And an old man deserves that.”
“Well, you’re a lucky man. And very wise, especially for your age.”
I nodded. “Thank you very much. When this journey is over, you can expect me to visit. No man should have to just be a Forgotten Guard.”
He saluted without saying anything and dissolved back into the weeds he came from. I swam back to the surface and climbed back onto the docks. I handed the pole to him and just grinned. “Congratulations. You’ve got your lucky fishing pole back.”
He laughed his creepy, coughing, dead old guy laugh for a moment. “Yes, I suppose I do. But you need it more than I do right now. You take it, and then bring it back. I’m going to need it at some point. And just know that it stand for honor as well. To really know peace, you have to have earned it and be able to live it honorably.”
I kind of knew that, so I just accepted it graciously and picked up my gear. As I began to walk to the road again, I could hear strong wing beats coming from the sky. I kept walking as I felt the winds of Nightmare Moon’s landing behind me. “Nice fishing pole,” she said.
“Thanks. It means a lot to Legba back there, so I’ve got to bring it back in good condition,” I muttered.
She tilted her head and looked at me like she was trying to understand me. “You don’t sound like you’re very happy to have made progress. Isn’t this what you wanted? To make it back to Luna?”
I gave a complacent grunt. “Yeah, I want to be back with her more than anything, but I’m just so tired. I don’t know if you realize this, but it takes a lot for a guy to keep this up. And I admit, it’s kind of sad that I’m tired after two fights, but I’ve been killed both times and put under extreme physical pain outside of just the regular death. And did you know I almost died again from pure exertion after our fight?”
“Gosh, no, I didn’t know that,” she said quietly. “And I really do feel like our whole skirmish was a bad thing all around. You realize that?”
“Yeah, I get that. Although it was mostly you and Luna’s fault. But getting killed takes it out of a guy. And being torn apart at the spiritual level kind of sucks too. As does tunneling through a mountain, despite using magical weapons. I just… I just want to live out my life with Luna happily and quietly. She deserves some peace. Like you have here.”
“Yeah…” She suddenly became very sad. “It’s not all the peace you think. It’s lonely down here. Either no one remembers me or everyone remembers me as a danger to everything and everyone they loved. Even here no one likes me.” I looked at her and I could see a tear in her eye. “That’s why I wanted to come with you to Equestria. To show that I can do good.” She began to sniffle. This is where I began to become physically frightened. Nightmare Moon does not cry. This was like watching a dark version of Luna crying. I didn’t know what to do.
“Um, ok. Well, don’t cry. Seriously, please don’t cry. I mean, if you cry, then I’ll cry, because I do that, I’m a sympathetic crier. It’s unmanly, but when women cry, it’s sad, and it just gets weird.” I was babbling now, and needed to say something right. “Listen, we’re going to go to Equestria together. I mean, honestly, I was going to bring you anyways, because I know you’ve changed, but really, I want you to come back with me. Ponies deserve to see what you’ve become. I just… I’m sorry, I’m just worried about my wife and friends. I don’t know how long we’ve been down here, and I need to get to work. And I need your help. You’re one of the few friends I have down here. I mean, as far as real friends go, it’s you and Ben down here. Legba is just the old guy who shares a name with an old voodoo god of the Crossroads. John is family, and I’ve only just met him besides. And I only just met the Forgotten Guard, too. So really, you’re my best friend here. And even in the other worlds, your one of my better friends. Kind of sad huh?”
She smiled a little bit and said, “Yeah, it is. Well, you showed a lot of courage and honor by fighting me. Really, you were right when you said that it was the fault of Luna and I. It was our pettiness that turned us against the world. You put me back in my place, and you’ve done wonders with her confidence as well. You need to take this.” She reached underneath her wing and pulled out a gleaming piece of metal. It sparkled with what looked like stars that had fallen from the heavens and landed in a mystic night. A crescent moon hung suspended among the stars like it was waiting for a chance. It was the breastplate that she had worn during our last battle.
I looked up into her eyes. “You really mean it? I mean, I know this must have some pretty strong value to you.” Just looking at it brought the memories of our fight back to me. I could smell the charred stone on the walls and the flaming bedspread. I heard the pools of melted floor bubbling next to me as I lay half dead at the end.
She nodded and smiled again. “Yeah. You have a memento of peace, now you have a memento of courage and honor.”
I was a little confused by her choice of words. “Courage and honor? Aren’t those the same things?”
“No, see, you showed courage by simply facing me. You stood against me when so few would. And then you displayed honor several times, actually. First by fighting for a world you accidentally fell into and probably wouldn’t accept you. Then by having the others defend themselves when they were the more experienced fighters. You deserve this. You need to use it to get back to your loved ones.”
I sighed and smiled a little. “Thanks. This means a lot.”
She smiled back and wrapped a wing around me. “You’re welcome. Now, let’s go find your wife and seamstress.”
I threw the portal into the air in front of us and we walked through into a different Equestria than I had left.
Author's Note
So, I realize that with the new developments in new episodes, this whole story's idea is flawed now, but I'm going to continue to write it as though Discord hadn't been reformed. Thank you all for your understanding!
Think about what Equestria was last time Discord was released. Scary mutant bunnies, floating buildings, improperly colored nature in general. Now make everything three times worse. Everything was wrong. Very, very wrong. Roads weren’t connected to the ground, made loops in the air, and just stopped. Buildings didn’t have doors anymore, the sun wasn’t as bright as it used to be, and the stars were showing clearly. Clouds were more different colors and kinds of candy, they didn’t stay up in the sky. Some had legs and crawled along the ground, others actually had wings and flew along at eye level. There were a few animals that I’m fairly certain had never existed before Discord made them, and various mutations of everything in existence, natural or not. This was a greater chaos that I had ever seen. I could spend years trying to describe everything that was wrong at the time and still not be very far in the story. Find me in the afterlife if you really want to know.
Moving along, I realized that Nightmare Moon was following along behind me. She looked around with a look that crossed between confusion, fear, and delight. “What… What’s happening?!”
I looked around and didn’t know how to react myself. Honestly, I was loving this. I mean, I was against the abominations of nature, but things could have been worse. I think the candy corn clouds really sold me. I love candy corn. I got pulled back to reality by the barrage of flaming cupcakes coming from the passing train, running on an upside down, airborne track. None of them hit me, just passed through me as their pink master screamed, “Eewie eewie eewie! Ghosts go home! Back to the place where the evil ghosts live because you’re evil and your ghosts! Chow down on these baked bads undead fiends!!!!”
Trying to dodge them out of reflex, I tried to focus on turning back into a pony. It took a little longer than usual, especially when she started screaming about shape-shifting monsters, but I got it and began to run towards the train as fast as I could. “Pinkie Pie!” I yelled. “Stop shooting the damn cupcakes!! At the very least save your ammo!!”
The cupcakes kept coming for another moment, then slowed to a stop. “Oh! Look! It’s Adam! It’s really him!” I could hear her shouting to someone else on the train.
“Yeah, Pinkie, we told you that. Now stop shootin’ at him! Remember he’s our friend?!” Thank Celestia for RainbowDash. “Yo, AJ! Tell them to stop the train! Let this guy on! I mean, he’s not as fast as I am!”
“Rainbow, quit yer braggin’!” came the response as the train began to slow down.
“But gently! It has been proven that quick stops, like sudden train stops, can cause back and neck problems!” Damn it Twilight. Writing like this was getting annoying.
“Hey! Just stop the damn train!” I yelled. As it slowed down, I could see the girls running back and forth inside their car. When it slowed to a halt, one last cupcake fell through my spirit.
“Oopsie! Sorry! I was just reloading my new and improved cupcake launcher, and it kind of launched another, but it didn’t really launch another because it didn’t go very far and it really just went “pbbbt” and fell out of the launcher and it went through your spirit which was kind of cool because I thought that you were dodging all those cupcakes that I launched at you earlier and I didn’t realize that you were actually also avoiding them because they just went right through you!!”
“Yes, thank you Pinkie,” I panted. “Just… where are the others?”
As I said it, the other five came rushing out of the car. Well, four came running out, Fluttershy kind of stumbled down the steps and landed with an “Oof!” Twilight ran up to me first. “Adam! How are you… I mean how did you… What did you do? You’ve broken the laws of science! Again! How do keep doing this? What in Celestia’s name is wrong with you? ” That was the gist of her rant, but she went on longer. I stopped listening after that and tried focusing on not laughing in her face. She’s not a fan of that, especially when she talks about science. Or my lack-of-respect-for-and-constant-disregard-for-thereof. Or something like that. She uses other long, fancy words to describe it, but I don’t know how to pronounce them. I lasted for a little bit, but pretty soon I was giggling. In a manly fashion of course. Twi stopped her yelling at me for a second after she noticed.
“And along with - Are you laughing? Seriously?” Her face began to grow redder than it already was. “Your even being here is why Discord got out of his prison in the first place! I know that you didn’t intend for all this and that I’m acting really out of character and I don’t usually lose my temper, but we need to FIX THIS !!” That brought me back to some kind of seriousness.
“Twilight, look,” I started out. “Yeah, this is my fault. But I’m obviously trying to fix it. I’d think that my present condition is proof enough of that. And I’m not even done working. So we all need to relax and keep thinking rationally, which as I recall is your specialty. All right? Everyone clear on that?” I looked around until everyone was nodding in agreement. “So, on that note, I have something else that none of you will like. Well, some one, but same difference. She ought to be coming into view in a second.” Nightmare Moon didn’t follow as quickly, so she wasn’t recognizable yet, but as soon as she did there was an uproar, Twilight being the first to explode.
“WHAT IN TARTARUS IS THAT SHE DEVIL DOING HERE?!?” For a moment Twilight had a Royal Canterlot Voice. I held up my relatively-newly fleshy right hoof and made a silver ‘STOP’ sign with my magic. That only bought me a second of silence from the group.
“Twi, just stop right there-”
“No way, dude!” I could hear RainbowDash yelling. “She killed you!!”
“Shoot, she did way more than just kill you!” AppleJack’s voice reached me. “She killed you, she destroyed Luna’s room, and she would have killed all us!!”
I picked up on Rarity’s voice next. “And besides, darling, she tried to make night last forever, on top of which she wore that tacky battle armor!”
Nothing else came in clear after that. There was just noise from them. I never tried to listen to Pinkie Pie, because it wouldn’t have made sense anyways. I just didn’t know what was going on. I added flashing lights to the sign, I tried yelling, I tried almost everything. Pretty soon I did the last thing I could think of. I slowly began charging my horn with magical energy. Not a ton, not lethal amounts or anything. Just enough. Once I had the amount I wanted, I reared up on my hind legs so that I was higher than any of the others, since RainbowDash wasn’t hovering very high. At my peak, I released it all at once. Had it hit any of them, they would have been fine; it was more of a sonic blast than anything. As I released it, I yelled. “ENOUGH!!” Everyone stopped at once and ducked to make sure they avoided the blast. “Now,” I said calmly. “We are going to take a very different approach to this than all yelling at each other. Ok?” I waited for everyone to nod again. ”Good. Now, there’s only one of you that hasn’t had a filly in the ten seconds that Nightmare Moon has been visible.” I walked over to the yellow pegasus cowering underneath the train. “Fluttershy, please come out from under there.” All I got in return was a somewhat pathetic whimper. “Fluttershy, come on out. This is not a request. I need you to talk to me, at the very, very, very least.” I crouched down so that I could see her shivering on the tracks. “Come on, you are the single person here that I can talk to reasonably and trust to think entirely about the questions that I ask. You can stay down here, but I want you to answer my questions. Can you do that for me?”
She didn’t say anything for a moment, so I took that as a yes. “Now Fluttershy, I am telling you that I am one hundred percent convinced that Nightmare Moon is here only to help us, that she does not want to hurt you, and that even if she did she would be physically incapable of it. Do you trust me?”
She thought for a moment, and when she finally spoke it was in a barely audible whisper. “Why can’t she hurt me?”
Thank Celestia for rationality, even if it is fear driven. “Because she is just like I am right now. Technically, I’m a ghost.”
She whimpered a little, but kept thinking. “So, why haven’t you been able to come back like you did last time?”
“That is a very good question. On my part, it is because I’m not really dead. My spirit was separated from my body by magic. To tell you the truth, I’m not particularly clear as to the difference myself. And really, if I were to try and figure it out, it would take too much time and things would get worse. As for Nightmare Moon, she didn’t get a new body because when I earned the Element of Life through massive amounts of compassion, it was my victory. I allow who I want through the portal, but it only does that because I tell it to. It’s my victory, and it’s my tool. It doesn’t fix my almost death because I’m not really dead, so it doesn’t make up the difference. I don’t exactly know how to explain it, and I’ve probably confused you more trying to.”
“No, I understand,” she said, her voice gaining a little strength. “But… how do I know that she can’t hurt us?”
I was really kind of expecting that question, but I didn’t know how to answer it with her under the train. “Well, Fluttershy… I need you to come out so that I can prove to you that I am telling you the truth. I will make sure that she stands a little ways away, ok? And since we’re both ghosts, if she tries anything I can still stop her.”
“One hundred percent sure?”
I forced back a laugh. “Well, 97 max. Maybe 95.”
She didn’t move right away, just whimpered and thought. After what felt like an hour, she slowly crawled out. That took another hour it seemed. “Ok… Prove it.”
I was taken back a little bit by her bravery. I had thought that she would have taken more talking to than that. I stepped forward slowly, trying not to spook her. I held out my hoof and let it stay in the air in front of her. “Try to take my hoof. You can trust me.”
She reached out her hoof and tried to put it in mine, but she went right through me like Luna had when I finished digging through the mountain. She gasped quietly, along with the others who hadn’t seen it before. She whimpered and pulled back again, but stopped when I smiled warmly, like it was normal for me. She passed her hoof through mine a few more times before standing. She faced me, in her own version of tall, strong, and brave, and breathed deeply. She held in a big breath, braced herself, and charged me. She passed right through me and ran into Twilight.
As they picked themselves off the ground, I turned back around and faced everyone there. I allowed a bit of toughness to creep back into my voice as I spoke. “Now, with that being proven, I need some things for my successful re-possession of my body.” I wrote out the riddle in the air with my magic, making the lines I still needed to figure out bigger and brighter. “I still need something gaudy with meaning to my life and journey, and I need something from Luna. Rarity, I was wondering if you had and ideas about gaudy, and I need any of you to tell me where Luna went.”
Rarity took a step forward. “Well, darling, I can’t say very much about your usual, everyday attire, since I’ve made or redesigned most everything you wear anymore. But what I can tell you was rather… lacking… in style were your suspenders that you wore while you were tunneling. I mean, they were good enough for the job, but believe me, they were dreadfully tacky.”
Suddenly, one of the two voices I wanted to hear right then burst through the ethereal plane separating us. “Adam!” John’s voice echoed around the valley. “This young lady is correct. Those suspenders are what you seek. Think about what they mean to you, to me. This answer will not be given to you as the others have.”
Nodding a bit, I began to pace. It was really pretty nice, pacing as a ghost. I simply walked through any of the obstacles in my way, like the girls or the train. As I paced, I thought out loud. “All right. We both tunneled through a mountain. We suffered greatly. The big difference is that I have the chance to keep living now. In some amount, I’ve suffered more than you have, being so close to my friends and my wife and not being able to touch them. Not to belittle your sacrifice, of course. But I personally think that standing here and trying to make everything better is harder than not being able to talk to them at all. But really, we’ve both suffered so much. So very much. It’s so hard. For both of us. I’m so very tired… “
“Your almost there, lad. What does all of that, summed up into one word, mean?” His voice was calm, quiet, and sad. He knew very well what I was talking about.
I raised my head to the sky and thought to myself for just a moment. It hit me that even though we all referred to the Crossroads as being below whatever world we were on, we looked to the sky when we thought about it or those who were there. Maybe the sky was more accessible to us. More shareable. “It’s sacrifice,” I murmured. “They stand for sacrifice. We give more than we have so that others can keep what they have. And what makes it pure is that we are willing to do it again. I can’t speak for you, obviously, but I know that as soon as I have my body back, I’m going right back into the fight. I’m going to go put my life on the line again. And if I live, then I will be ready to lay it down the next time someone needs it. I’d rather be the one to do it.”
John’s laughter echoed through the air. “Yes! You truly are a smart one! Ah’m proud of you. Two words would have worked there, though. Honor is the second. You just described the honor of it as well, though.”
“So, I’m noticing a pattern here,” I said. “Honor is in all three of these objects. What are the chances that honor is some kind of factor in the last one?”
“It’s not an exact science. 97 percent. Maybe 95.”
I laughed. Yeah, he was my ancestor. “Sounding good. Thanks for your help, John. As soon as I can find Luna, we can figure out her item and find my pants.”
“Then ah’ll leave you be.” That last sentence faded into the air like breath on the wind.
Nightmare Moon stepped forward for the first time. “Uh, Adam,” she said quietly, pointing with her hoof. “Look over there.”
We all turned around to an interesting sight. Luna was flying towards us, which wasn’t quite the interesting part. The interesting part was the rainbow trailing after her, as if she had just accomplished a sonic rainboom. She was also being chased by flying cats. That was the extra weird part. She landed and instantly raised a shield around the group, muttering several curses against all cats. “Damnable creatures.” she swore, turning to me. “Hello, dear. Have you been successful in your attempts to reanimate your body?” she asked casually.
“Pretty successful,” I admitted, nodding a bit. “What I need now is my body, or rather the suspenders on my body, and something of sentimental value to me from you.” I put up the poem again, highlighting the part that involved her. I briefly explained the other items to her, then asked, “Any ideas?”
She mused for a while, and then smiled. “I have the perfect thing.” Her horn began to glow softly. I looked for the object she was manipulating, but only saw that the glow around her horn moved unusually. After a moment, I realized that she was removing her wedding ring.
“Whoa, whoa, honey,” I whispered gently. “Honey, are you sure about that? I mean, really, really sure? I don’t know if these things will survive the spell. That’s too important to risk. I mean, it should be my ring that gets risked.”
She smiled sadly. “It’s not always you who has to take the hit or the fall. This means this much because it’s someone giving something you need, rather than you giving it up. Sweetheart, I know you. It’s your honor. You have resolved to always be there for everyone who needs you. You give too much, almost. Almost care too much. It’s time for me to help you.” She blinked, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. “I’ve trusted you both times you’ve been… I’m just going to say killed. Both times you’ve been killed, I’ve trusted you.” Her words began to throw a little heat with them.
“Twice. Most people only experience the death of a single particular loved one just once. And then they don’t ever speak with them again. That’s very scary. Do you know how scary it is to see the pony you love get killed by someone you used to be? And then fall into your bedroom again? Not to toot my own horn, as humans say, but I’m pretty damn strong to be able to do that. Technically twice.” She took a shaky breath and began to sob a little bit, keeping it together enough to keep talking. “And I’ve known that both times you’ve been beaten down, both times, that you will come back. To keep holding my hoof, to keep carrying me when I can go on. To keep making bad jokes, to keep making stupid decisions, to keep acting without thinking. To keep making sure that none of us ever give up. And now I need you to help me again. If you don’t come through, I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t fight Discord, and he’s smarter this time. He’s been avoiding the girls, using more smoke and mirrors. I need you. Please come back to us. To me.”
She tried to put the ring in my hoof, but I had to catch it in my own magic and hold it in front of me. Magic works on things in several planes of existence, I guess. I looked at her and just smiled. “Thank you so much, dear. I love you so much.” She sobbed once more, putting her hoof to her mouth. I just smiled again. “Now let’s go get my body back, then put me back into it. I feel a strong urge to take you in my front legs and kiss you for a few hours.”
Ignoring the apparently rabid flying cats attacking the force field around us, she smiled and nodded to Pinkie Pie. She reached around behind her and dragged my body out from wherever it was she kept her party cannon and other miscellaneous objects. “Surprise!! After she came back to us with this, Princess Luna gave this to me to hang onto! And it didn’t even start to stink up or anything!”
“Thanks, Pinkie,” I said with a chuckle. “And it didn’t start to decay because it’s not totally dead. There’s still hope for it. And on that note, let’s go.” I took a moment to change into a human, and then I threw my shred of life into the air. The portal opened, and I ushered the others in before me, Nightmare Moon going last. Luna knew about her change of heart, but she still didn’t like it. The two of us walked on either side of her, effectively protecting the group from the idea of her being a threat.
As I stepped through the portal myself, I felt the calm of the Crossroads clashing with the excitement of so many living ponies. Luckily we were in the clearing of the first area where only one road led away. Thankfully everyone had the sense to stay where they were, so I led the way back to the bench. Approaching Ben, the ring still hovering behind me, the hammers lashed to my back, and the fishing pole and armor stuck between them to hold them there, I was very happy. I had my body and everything I needed to return to it. Ben, however, looked rather dark.
“Do you know what this will be?” he asked. “This is very, very painful. I know the spell, and I know the dedication that it takes to survive it. So I will ask this only once. Answer without thinking, just spit it out. Can you do this?”
“Yes.” I answered like he had told me, instinctually. I could do this. I had to do this.
Ben chuckled and probably smiled under his cloak. “I believe you. Put everything in the center of the Crossroads.” We did, putting everything in front of the bench. He crouched on the ground next to my body. He repositioned everything so that Luna’s ring was above my head, the chest plate was near my right leg, and the fishing pole was near my left. The items formed a triangle around my body, and as Ben chanted they began to glow. After a few minutes of that, he stood again. “Gather all of your resolve and stand in the middle. Know that each of these objects hold honor, and it was honor that brought you here.”
I did so, and immediately wished that I had just been killed entirely. Every part of my spiritual essence was being dragged to its respective place. At the same time, I felt the pain of every injury I had ever experienced, including being shot by Celestia and being hit with the power of the Elements. I blacked out for a little bit, I don’t even know how long. What I do know is that when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t in the excruciating pain. I was sore. And everyone was still there, standing in the exact same spots they had been. I said the first thing that came to mind.
“Anyone got any food?”
I just groaned for a little while. What started as just major soreness quickly grew into a headache of incredible proportions. And I was super hungry. I guess the thrill of the dig had caught up with the anatomy of my body and it had burned through a ton of calories. When I sat up, it felt like I had landed on my head on my hammer. “Ohhhh… damn it,” I groaned, trying to stand up. “Seriously. Any food? Besides cupcakes and party food?” I added, pointing at Pinkie. I reached out a hand to Luna, who just put a hoof on my chest and forced me to lie back down. “Ow. Be gentle, dear. And I’m not kidding. Seriously. I need food. Meat. Cow. Burger. Maybe steak. Medium rare, garlic, season salt, the works."
She smiled down at me as she put the ring back on. It was different, seeing it from mortal eyes again. Things almost seem more transparent and floaty when you’re a ghost. But it was still beautiful. “Honey, I promise, we’ll get food later. Can you stand?”
“You just made me lay back down!” I gestured my hands uselessly. “Literally, five seconds ago. I sat up and you knocked me down. If I try again, are you gonna let me actually stand?”
She kept smiling. “Probably not. I just wanted to make you feel like you’re doing well.”
“Great, throw hope at me.”
“Well, as ah recall, you’re the young upstart who came back to life through some sort of perpetuated hope.” Rolling over, I could see that John had shown up while I was out and was standing behind the bench.
“Yeah, well, being killed twice and coming back to life twice is a little disheartening,” I admitted, standing up. I had to grab Luna’s restraining hoof and turn it into a help up. “Besides, I’ve kept my boyish charm, haven’t I? I think Luna will back me up.”
“Dear, that phrase just means you know how to act like a jackass and make it look cute. You know that,” she sighed, smiling a little bit.
“Which phrase, ‘killed twice’ or ‘back to life‘?” I grinned, prompting another sigh and smile. “Fine, can I use the term ‘sexy mustache’?”
“You don’t have a mustache.” She gave me a funny look.
“Not yet,” I corrected.
“No, no, no. Honey, we are not doing this right now. First, this will probably be the most ridiculous argument we ever have, if we have it. Two, I’d win, and three, it’d be itchy and weird,” she finished with a cute little grimace and shiver. “Now, can we please get back to the issue of saving Equestria?”
Brushing myself off, I chuckled a bit. “Yeah, we’ve come this far, we might as well finish the job. I’m a person again, good and whole. That means I can be a whole person, and I can fight Discord. You girls need to stay here. It‘s safe, and Ben and John would be willing to harbor you, I‘m sure.”
“‘Harbor’? Why are you talking like an old guy all of a sudden?” RainbowDash spoke up.
“Rainbow, don’t make fun of his words. That’s all they are.”
“AppleJack, it’s ok. RainbowDash was just using her own words. RainbowDash, I lapsed into old words because I feel very old. Very old, and very, very tired. Like I said, this is a very draining… everything.” I lost my smile and looked at her sadly. “This is a draining life, nowadays. The past year and a half, the year and a half that I have been with you ponies, while it’s been the best of my life, have been very, very long. Getting killed… I really thought that that was going to be the end of the line for me. Well, I used to. But I knew that I had to fight it when it actually happened. That is a horrible fight to fight. I cover all this exhaustion up with bad jokes and stupid remarks and rambling like I am now, but I am so very tired. I want to rest. Without the threat of another villain in Equestria, I want to go to sleep.
“I’m a funny guy sometimes, sure, but I worry a lot. I’m paranoid in that aspect. I wish I could drop the paranoia, but I never manage to. I worry about you, I worry about you girls, I worry about Celestia, Ben, I’ve even been worrying about John since this all started. I especially worry about you, Luna. It’s the same feeling you had when we were out there debating my using your ring. Except it’s all the time. I wasn’t afraid when I died because I knew I was leaving you all to something that could be fixed. It took more than I thought, but I was right. You would have found a way to beat her. I gave you an easier way. You would have found a way to beat Discord again without me. I’m giving you an easier way. But then that’s what I love to do. I just like to give. But this is the greatest gift I’ve ever given. And I’ve given it twice. I just want to finish this and sleep for a year. Go home, lay down with my perfect wife, and sleep.”
I stopped and looked at the faces around me. My speech had gone longer than I wanted, but it had the right impact. They were all somber and quiet. They all saw that I was right. We all deserved a break, and Equestria deserved a break. Luna stepped forward and smiled through her tears. “Adam,” she whispered. “I want that too. We will sleep when this is over. You don’t have to worry after this. We’ll be safe.” Everyone was silent for a while, and after a second I wrapped Luna in my arms. It was good to hold her again. Soon, though, she stepped back. “Now let’s go kick chaotic butt.”
…
Stepping out into the sunlight again, things didn’t look different. Which is to say that the previous abnormalities hadn’t progressed. I guess that Discord was somewhere else or saving his energy. Looking around, things were better, if anything. The vicious flying cats were gone, and the trail left by the rainbow was gone. Everyone walked softly, even Pinkie Pie. Nightmare Moon was still following, not really sure if she was helping out or not, but just tagging along. There was no sign of Discord, but we all know that there isn’t always a sign of him.
“Well, well, well,” he cooed from somewhere. “Look what we have here. The young hero Adam, all happy and healthy again, and ready for another fight.”
I chuckled dryly. “Well, ready for a fight, yes. Healthy? That one is up for grabs. And happy? Right now it’s iffy, but after we kick you back into your own happy little statue I’m going to be ecstatic.”
“Tch, tch, tch,” he tutted. “I had really hoped that you would have learned some manners being pretty much dead. Again. You really must work on that. Maybe a game to help?”
Luna stepped in front of me. “He‘s arrogant, true, but that’s because he knows just how great he is. You, on the other hand, could learn some humility.”
Giving her a pat on the shoulder, I urged her back, giving her a confident smile. I was getting good at those. As I turned to where I thought the voice was coming from, I didn’t lose the smile. If anything, I looked even cockier. “You know, she’s right. I’m totally kick-ass. And you aren’t. At all. This is your idea of chaos? I could do all of this with my own magic.”
He took the bait, because next thing I knew I was standing face-to-face with a very angry looking draconiquis. “Who do you think you are, taunting my chaos? This is the picture of perfection! Take a look around!” He put his hand on my shoulder and spun me around where I stood, gesturing to all his damage. “As a man of vision and taste yourself, how can you simply walk away from all of this, much less attempt to disturb it yourself? This is the picture of joy!”
I scoffed a little bit. “Yeah, right. I could do better than this.” I pushed his hand off of my shoulder, but didn’t let it go right away. “I’ll take that back, by the way,” I added, taking my wallet out of his hand. “If this is the best you can do, stealing wallets, badly stealing wallets, and making household pets fly, you don’t deserve the title of the Lord of Chaos.”
His eyes narrowed dangerously. “What are you saying?”
I added an arrogant stance to my grin and folded my arms across my chest. “I’m saying, anything that you can wreck, I can wreck better.”
I heard someone choke behind me. I took a few steps back so that Luna could whisper frantically in my ear. “Dear, I don’t know the right words to explain to you just how bad an idea this is.”
I nodded and turned my head just enough to whisper to her and be a little discreet about it. “Luna, dear, I know it’s not the greatest song ever, and that I don’t have the lyrical skills to do a situational improv of it, but the one line really fit the dialogue.”
I heard her scoff, and I’m sure she rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. You cannot out-chaos Discord! He will grind you into the dust! And love every second of it!”
I nodded a little bit before answering. “True enough, but I can goad him into allowing me a little bit of chaos magic; I can allow my body to degenerate into dust, making it easy-peasy to continue to fight and work, including recreating my body exactly as it was.”
“All right, I know that I said it was ok that you were a little bit arrogant, but this is too much. You can’t do this!” She was pleading now, I could tell. “If not for my sake or the sake of our friends and family in both worlds than for your own. This is too much for anyone to handle. You’ve died twice! More than anyone should have to. And then come back twice, and it was very painful both times. You can’t risk that again!”
I muttered a little gibberish, then said, “Actually, I can.” I turned away from Discord to risk looking into her eyes. I knew what they were going to be: sad, glassy, and pleading. Unfortunately, I was right. “Yeah, I’m in trouble. Just like when I went up against our friend over there.” I nodded at Nightmare Moon, who took that as a cue to approach. “I was hopelessly outmatched in that fight, remember?” I gestured between the ex-villainess and myself. “We’re buds now. And I won. I have to do this.”
“But not alone.” Nightmare Moon raised her head. She smiled sadly as Luna and I looked at her. “I came to help, and I haven’t done much at all. But I can do this.”
“Um, what exactly is… this?” Luna got the same look on her face as when I tell her I tried a new recipe: it says ‘No good will come of this’.
Nightmare Moon smiled like she knew what it meant. “This is me giving him my magical power.”
We were speechless for a moment. “Uh, you, my, the… What? Can you do that?” I stammered. “I mean, even if you were able to and did, wouldn’t you lose your own powers?”
She nodded sadly. “Yes, I can do it. And yes, it will leave me without magic. But the small amount of chaos magic that I have will help you live. And last I checked, you were hell bent on living for a little longer. This way, even if Discord doesn’t grant you any temporary magic, you have this little bit. It is how I changed shape, turned into a cloud of smoke. But you have to take this. You will be ok. We will be ok.” Without waiting for any kind of answer from me or Luna, she took a half step back and her horn began to glow. The glow was so faint at first that I almost didn’t think it was there, that I was seeing things. I thought about stopping her, but I knew she was right. I needed her help. I was going to have to take part of the Nightmare.
All at once, the glow of her magic grew brighter than any magic I had ever seen. No one present could have looked at it directly, including me, so I don’t know what the expression on her face was. Probably pain. Considering the shape she was in afterwards, I would bet on it. I felt the warmth of magic wrap around me, and I could feel it growing inside me. The transfer of magic didn’t take very long, but the effects were extraordinary.
Lights flashed and magic swirled. When it all faded away, I felt like a totally new man. My energy was totally restored. Every bit of the exhaustion I had felt was gone, as if I hadn’t had to go through the trauma of resealing my body and spirit together. The change was a little bit physical as well. My skin was darker, tanner than the pale it used to be, the pale of someone who spends too much time inside playing video games and studying. I guess the darkness of the Nightmare was a physical thing for both of us, because Nightmare Moon’s coat was a bit of a lighter shade of blue. It was still kind of midnight colored in a ghostly way, but less dangerous and threatening. She no longer had a horn, just her wings. It was strange, but she looked good as a pegasus.
“It’s done.” She whispered with barely more than an exhausted smile. She was so tired that she could barely stand up. I caught her as she fell out of reflex, not even considering that she was still a full grown pony and would be very heavy. But as she fell into my arms, she didn’t feel very heavy. In fact, she seemed to weigh about as much as a child. I could have held her up with just one arm. I guess I didn’t quite realize how refreshed and strong all the extra magic had made me. Then it hit me.
“Um, why can I hold you?” I asked the groggy heap of dead pony in my arms. “You’re a ghost, and I’m alive.”
As I finished talking, a portal just like the one that I was used to making opened up behind us. And out stepped out Ben, John, and the two last people I expected to ever see in Equestria, especially accompanied by Death incarnate.
“Mom?! Dad?!”
“Seriously? Are we down to parental clichés?”
Frankly, I was pissed. I really didn’t need this right now. Parents are terrible to have during a life-or-death crisis. Especially mine. Not to sound like a hormonal teenager, but they just never got me. Especially when I came back to Equestria with the ability to pass the salt to myself at the dinner table. I understand why they were unnerved, but they could have handled it better. Except the skeletal arm. There was no good way to deal with that.
“Happy to see us?” Ben asked cheerfully. Too cheerfully, especially for the Grim Reaper. But honesty is the best policy, right?
“No! ” I screamed at them. “What the hell are you all doing here?! Especially with my parents!! There is no reason on Celestia’s green Equestria that they should be here!! This is way, way too dangerous for them!! Get them out now!! ”
At this point, I had almost forgotten that Discord was still standing there, waiting for me to get my act together. I only remembered him when he began to chuckle. Well, it started as a chuckle. It quickly grew into a full on break down, though. “This is terrific! I can’t believe that you morons actually brought his family here to watch him fail!” he sobbed through the laughter. “There is nothing I can think of that could hurt better than this!”
Ignoring the boisterous laughter from the creature next to him, John just smiled. “Ben here figured that ya’ll could use some loving support from the people who love you. Ah tagged along so that ah could meet some more of mah descendants. It’s nice talkin’ to you young folks.”
I sighed. Nice as he is, he’s just kind of… dull. “Dude, look. I know that meeting your descendants must be great. I know meeting my ancestors is, but this isn’t a game. Despite all appearances,” I muttered under my breath. I really hoped the flying cats didn’t show us right at that second. “What I need right now is for you to get them to safety. Take them to the Crossroads for all I care. Just get them out.”
Discord opened his mouth to say something, but Dad cut him off before he could. I guess chaos has manners sometimes too. “S-son, we weren’t sure about coming here either. We were, uh, unclear a-as to the details of the… situation…” he stuttered as he talked. I almost had him sit down before he went into shock. Mom didn’t look much better. “We just want to help you… deal with… whatever this is…” He didn’t say anything else, just looked around the field in a moderate panic.
“Dad, we are not debating this. This is not like when I was a kid and you were trying to talk me out of sliding down the driveway and into traffic in the winter. This is different because that was a much better idea and I had a much better chance of survival that time. This is a much worse idea. This will almost undoubtedly kill me again.”
“Again?!” Mom spoke for the first time. Then she quickly degraded into mostly hyperventilating. “What… you… how… died?”
I was lucky she was a strong woman. She should have passed out like Dad was. “First, catch him please.” Ben caught him, John being unable to. “Thanks. And second, I’m going to guess you didn’t tell her?”
Ben shook his head. “I figured that since you hadn’t, it wasn’t our place.” He put my dad down and stood up before saying any more. “So no. And there is a lot of explaining that needs to happen sometime. But we don’t have the time to do that right now. You have to get to work, don’t you?” His hand glowed softly and Dad woke back up. “Give your parents the kiddie explanation and go to it.”
I dove right in as Dad picked himself up out of the dirt. “Ok, so Discord, the alleged Lord of Chaos, is trying to take over Equestria. I have no idea where Princess Celestia is, and I don’t know if anyone else does. Do you?” I turned back to the others long enough to see a lot of heads shaking no. “So, we don’t know where Celestia is, I tunneled through a mountain in a day, my spirit was torn away from my body because Discord cheated, but I pulled myself back together, literally, with the help of Ben and John and everypony standing behind me, and now I need to go back to saving Equestria by doing things without thinking of the consequences, ok?” I took their silent, gaping faces as yeses. “Good. Now, as for you,” I said, finally turning my attention back on Discord, who was only just now gathering himself and floating back up to his feet. “Think you can out-chaos me and defend your title?”
“Oh, you little nimrod, you couldn’t beat me even if you had the exact same powers as I do!” he giggled.
“All right, I’ll take your bet.” That’s exactly what I had hoped he would say. “We’ll evenly match up, powers for powers, and go off. I win, you leave Equestria alone and release Celestia from whatever prison she’s in. What do you want for your wager?”
“Oh, I think you’re just expecting me to give you a cop out just like that? Winning will be reward enough for me, because if I win, then that means I’ve killed you, or found a suitable replacement, and I can continue doing whatever I want.” He was wrong on one count. I knew that that was exactly what he was going to say too.
“Good. That just leaves giving me the same powers you have.”
He began to laugh again. “You really think I’d do that? What kind of idiot are you?!”
“I’m no idiot,” I said, shrugging and flashing another arrogant smile. “But it sounds like your chicken.”
His mirth stopped just as quickly as it had begun. “What?”
“Oh, I just pointed out that you happen to be a coward who can’t put his money where his mouth is. To phrase it so you can understand: bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!”
“You little brat!! ” Lightning suddenly shot from his hands and I felt the same thing I had felt when Nightmare Moon had given me her magic. Discords own magic filled me and I felt rejuvenated, especially by the fact that I had succeeded in forcing him into this. Rage filled his eyes as he continued to give me magic identical to his own, and as he saw I was enjoying the victory.
When he finally stopped, I stood up, no changed on the outside, but much more powerful. “Sweet,” I said. “Thanks for that.”
“You have five minutes to say your final goodbyes before I pulverize you,” he growled.
I turned back to the girls. They actually didn’t seem afraid, which was a good thing. I think that the thought of me dying was commonplace enough that it didn’t frighten them anymore. Except Luna, who was beginning to tear up again. I put my good hand to her muzzle. “Hey, I’ll be fine, you know that.”
She sniffled and looked at me sadly. “I know, but I just want to say… *sniff*… I want the same thing you do. To just rest without having to think about Equestria rebuilding or being destroyed again. This is all so much for just two years. I’m just tired too. Please promise that you will come back safe?”
I smiled at her and just said, “I promise. I love you, Luna.” I gave her muzzle a quick rub, a kiss, and then I turned back to Discord. “Well, come on. I don’t have all day. I’m planning on making dinner for and love to my wife. Both are going to be time consuming.” I ignored the sound of my mother finally passing out and Luna giggling cutely.
“Well, if you’re so cocky,” Discord started, but had to stop for a second while I snorted in laughter. “Oh, come on! You use that word too!” he cried, throwing his hands in the air.
“Yeah, but not after making a sex joke!” I corrected. “Though it wasn’t entirely a joke,” I added, throwing a look back to a blushing Luna.
“Ugh, whatever,” Discord spat, rolling his eyes. “If you’re so confident, then let’s get to work.” He threw up his hands, but I think that that was mostly a theatrical effect. Either way, the ground around us shattered and lifted us into the air, each of us standing on his own platform. “Hit me with your best shot!” he cried.
With a snap of my fingers, I allowed Pat Benatars rendition of that same song to start playing. As the music filled the air, I urged each individual note to come into physical existence, and soon I had a swirling cloud of little black music notes swirling around me, effectively making my lower half look like a tornado.
Discord laughed arrogantly. “Ha! Is that really your best?” Conjuring a large fork, he aimed at me and began firing spear sized spoons at me. Reaching down into the swirling music around me, I grabbed a handful of notes and threw them in the direction of the spoons, making little bowls of soup out of them as they flew. Each bowl intercepted a spoon, and pretty soon I had paired up every spoon fired with a bowl. Unfortunately that used up every note that was twirling around me.
“Dude, I’m just getting warmed up!” Without really thinking about it, I started to summon flowers. Flowers just started to fly out of my fingertips. Not any specific kind of flower, just lots of them. Tulips, roses, snapdragons, posies, and other kinds that I don’t even know. Red, blue, green, gold, teal, all the colors of the rainbow and others that just weren’t natural. Each stem spun itself into the next, and they made a very colorful wall in front of me. The wall began to spin, really pretty rapidly. The spinning array of colors was enough to give someone a seizure if they looked at it long enough. As it spun, I began to focus again. I focused on each individual flower, every stem, every petal, every bit of pollen.
And set them on fire.
Focusing on the pollen, I began to shoot it at Discord, some of it leaving little fiery trails behind as it flew. Rather than letting it fly in a straight line, I had it spin in circles. Admittedly I was working blindly, but I knew everything I did. I was acutely aware of everything that I was involved in. every bit of pollen was exactly where it needed to be, swirling around Discord. Everything was going how I wanted it.
That was why I was losing. Discord began to laugh. Long and loud, he laughed. It was… Curiously unsettling. “Really? Really ? Flaming flowers ? That’s the best you can do?!? As much as you have made interesting choices in your weapons, that’s exactly what they are! Choices! A planned idea! This isn’t chaos! This is a confused child!” he screamed. “You think you can defeat me with parlor tricks? Think again!!!” My flowers disintegrated, but the flaming pollen kept swirling around him. But as I watched, the single spores began to turn into bees. And they grew. They were very big, very angry bees. With scary stingers. That glowed purple and dripped venom. Or ketchup, I’m not sure. I never will be sure either. As they began to come after me, I turned my chunk of land around and ran. I flew as fast as I could in no specific direction. I let the land fly wherever it wanted.
Unfortunately, it began flying in circles. Great big twirly whirly wanna-throw-up-and-the-worker-won’t-stop-the-ride circles. The center of every circle was Discord. He just spun on his own little island and tried to keep track of me, even though I couldn’t keep track of me. I stopped trying to make certain objects and just threw whatever came to hand. Staplers, bacon, woodpeckers, I think there was even a few palm trees. Anything and everything that I could have created with magic was launched at Discord at blinding speeds. He threw up whatever in return he could to try and protect himself from my barrage, but things began to slowly slip through.
As things began to hit him, he grew more and more frustrated. Just little things, but they were effective. Never tell me that a stegosaurus jaw in the eye doesn’t hurt, because it really looked painful. That may have been the breaking point, now that I think about it. Shortly after that, his bees exploded in icy clouds of fake leather. Which is weird. But I realized he was right. He was outdoing everything I did. And without even trying. Without figuring out something to give me a leading edge, I was in trouble.
“Oh! I remember! I was actually going to tell you something!” Ben suddenly called out. “You apparently, by breaking the laws of Death twice, are now capable of interacting with things on both planes of existence. Just, you know, a fun fact. It might help at some point.”
“Seriously? A helpful bit of information like that, and you forgot?” I couldn’t see him from my perch, just make out a black blur on the ground. “Man, you really got to work on giving me the details that may help me out in a case of not dying slash coming back to life sooner!”
“Sorry!” he was shouting in a way that told me he wasn’t really concerned.
“Dude! I’m not kidding! Anything else you feel the need to tell me while I’m in an incredible amount of peril and spinning uncontrollably?” I took his silence as a no. “When I get down from here, I am going to kill you! Well, make you deader. Wait.” I threw some honey flavored confetti to throw the bees off and slowed to a stop. “Is it possible to kill the persona of Death?” I directed my question at Discord.
“I don’t know…” He stopped his maniac ranting for a moment and thought. “It might be. Not actual death, but something more…” I took my chance. I turned my plot of land at him and flew at him as fast as I could. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw me and turned with an evil grin. “Not this time,” he practically whispered. Laughing without moving his mouth, he reached up and unscrewed his head. Well, the top of his skull, really. And the impossible happened again. A hole about the size of a watermelon, that was missing a brain, reached out and encompassed me.
I was taken into the darkness.
Author's Note
So, apparently chaos battles are ridiculously difficult to write. The more you learn, right?
It was unspeakable. It was impossible. But that’s what this had all been about, wasn’t it? Chaos, impossibilities, death. Inside Discords mind, I died in many ways, all of which I would have thought far greater than impossible. And this was in a matter of five seconds. I don’t know how to explain it while doing it true justice.
Imagine darkness. Not hiding under the bed darkness, or locked in a toy store after closing dark. Not even blindfolded-at-midnight-in-an-unlit-alleyway-while-unconscious dark. Try the devils soul dark. Then make that 30158642 times darker. You aren’t very close yet. It was actually physically, mentally, and emotionally painful. I mean… the extent of it is unspeakable.
Five seconds. That’s all the time the true darkness lasted. That’s all the time it had to. Yet I think that’s all the time it could. After those five seconds, everything lifted. The darkness, the pain, the torture of it all. It all subsided. But didn’t leave. When it lifted, the world was clean. Too clean. I was in a meadow. A beautiful meadow. The grass was that perfect length. The length that parents want cut because they think it looks trashy, but children know is perfect for laying down in so that it settles over your face and tickles your nose. It was healthy and green, and flowing in a warm, gentle breeze. There was nothing but that meadow. You could see forever: literally. It stretched as far as the Crossroads, and was entirely meadow grass. It was as close to a perfect place as I had ever seen.
There was a tree. A small tree, but a nice tree. Just a little willow tree, standing alone. It was swaying just as much as the grass, despite the breeze not being very strong. Discord sat underneath it, seemingly asleep. I didn’t walk right up to him, but instead took a few walking laps around the tree, getting a little closer every time. After about four times around, I took the chance of lying down by the tree, keeping a shield ready to raise just in case.
“Nice, isn’t it?” His voice startled me. It was soft, gentle. Calm, even. It was everything that Discord wasn’t. I heard him settle into his spot before continuing. “It isn’t what you expected, is it?”
I sighed in what was almost contentment. “No, it wasn’t,” I admitted. “Especially after the scream fest that you put me through in just getting here. What was that, anyways?”
He gave a low chuckle. Not his usual twisted one, but a gentle, regretful one. “That was the darkest reaches of my psyche. It isn’t something that even I dig through often.” He gave a shuddering sigh, like he was really as traumatized as me and just not hiding it as well. “”Not even when I was encased in stone.”
I let out a long, slow breath. There was something normal about his behavior. By the standards of a normal person, which was abnormal for him. “The darkest reaches, huh? We go through pure evil to get to the most beautiful and peaceful place I’ve ever seen? How does that work?”
“It’s, uh… complicated.” He spoke hesitantly, like he was trying to decide how to phrase his words. “You know, I wasn’t always like this. The ‘this’ that you know and pony-kind remembers. I used to be peaceful. I was kind. I liked order and logic.”
“So what happened?”
“Celestia happened. The myths about she and I were true. To a degree.” He was speaking very softly now. I was straining to hear him. “We weren’t a couple. It was that I was infatuated with her. Nothing more. She didn’t feel the same way. We were kids though. It shouldn’t have mattered. But it did. Gods, it did. It ate at me for millennia while we lived as friends… You know, I’ve never spoken of this before.”
I nodded. It was in his voice. It was the truth. “I know. You wouldn’t lie about this.”
“Good. As long as you know that.” He propped himself up on the tree and sat with his arms crossed across his knees. “So, really you can guess the rest of it. It just drove me mad. I started practicing with my magic more, I developed greater and greater power, and eventually she had to seal me away. Luna was there, but didn’t participate. She was truthful when she said I hadn’t played any games with her. Tia insisted on doing it herself. She was always so brave, my girl. Ever since we were young.”
As he spoke, it seemed as if the area around us was slowly brighter, like the sun was rising. “When she put me away, I snapped in the truest sense. I felt… betrayed. How could she have done that to me? It was cruel. Those years of solitude… it’s hard on a man. I wasn’t imprisoned for too much longer than Luna, but it was very hard. Do you realize what kind of strength she must have to be as she is now? After what she went through?” He turned to face me, to look me squarely in the eye. “Do you really?”
I sat up and sighed again. I thought for a minute, then stood. I didn’t bother brushing off; there was something nice about even the dirt in this place. I resumed my circular path while I thought and spoke. “You know, I haven’t really thought about what she went through. I try not to think about it. I don’t like the idea of her locked in the moon with the parasitic spirit of Nightmare Moon festering within her. I mean, you wouldn’t want Celestia to go through that, would you?” He shook his head slowly. “Exactly. When I think of what she deserves, it’s a daunting task. Thinking of every single thing she should have, that she deserves to have. Because then I have to try and wrap my brain around the concept of infinity and eternity. She deserves every good thing in existence, this world and the next.”
He looked puzzled for a brief moment. “But isn’t there a finite number of good things in existence?”
I laughed quietly. “Depends on your line of thinking. See, I’m a very ‘up’ person. I like to think that there is more good than evil in the worlds. And all things considered, there’s a hell of a lot of evil out there. But I also believe that everyone is good at their core. And really, this little sojourn through your noggin makes me believe it all the more. I mean look at all this!” I gestured to all the grass around us.
He just looked around sadly. “This is just grass, my friend. Nothing special about it.” He tore up a handful as if it proved his point.
I smiled wide and took the torn grass from his hand. “Naw, man. This is peace. Like, more so than the fishing pole was. This is something that exists within the purity of chaos, yet remains totally at peace with itself.” I threw the grass clipping into the wind and watched them blow away. “See? Lookit that. You try to hurt a little part of it, and it just keeps moving. The world keeps spinning. Time keeps flowing. The wind sings its song forever, and the grass never tires of the dance.”
He snorted with a chuckle. “You sound like a damn hippie,” he muttered. His expression was sour, but when he looked at where the grass had faded into the distance he looked like he almost understood. But only until he looked away.
I laughed with him for a second. “Well, I am a bit of one, truth be told. I like the idea of the existence of a utopia. Until now, I had thought that the Crossroads might have been the closest possible. But now, looking at this, I think this is even closer. And all the more miraculous.” I sat next to him, the new dirt patch between us on the ground. “Made out of chaos magic within you, right?” He nodded. “Peace from chaos.” I ran my hand through the shreds and roots still left and used my own chaos magic to grow them back to perfection. “Everything moves in its own, but accepts help from the rest.”
He smiled and sighed, finally looking as if he understood. “I suppose. But time doesn’t move here. The wind’s song isn’t music, the grasses movements aren’t dances. They want to be, but they can’t be. Music doesn’t work here anymore.”
I didn’t buy that. “Music not only works everywhere, but it is everywhere.” I leaned against the tree and listened to the wind. As I did, I tapped a tune out on the wood. Just a simple tune, not any specific song. But as I did, Discord listened intently. “Don’t try too hard to hear it,” I cautioned. “In fact, join in if you want.”
He settled back next to me and began to tap a tune of his own. As we drummed, the change in the light was most noticeable. The sun grew so much brighter in the sky that I would have been sure that when I arrived it had been night. We made a simple melody between ourselves, the hum of the wind, and the whistle and rustle of the grass. I kept drumming for as long as he did, never really sticking to a certain single pattern, just playing what felt right. We may have played for five minutes, and it may have been weeks. The only things we knew were ourselves and the song. It was the most peaceful time I’ve ever known.
After a while, Discord stopped drumming and let his claw fall into his lap. He breathed out a sigh of happiness. “I’m not the Lord of Chaos anymore, you know.”
It was my turn to be confused. “What do you mean? Despite what I said to push you into lending me a little bit of power, you have certainly earned that title here today. And in fact, if I’m not mistaken, it’s still going on out there.”
He began to chuckle and let his head roll from side to side in disagreement. “No, I don’t deserve it anymore. To control chaos, you have to understand it. I think I did, a long time ago. But not anymore. Not like you do. When I gained the power I have now, I discovered this place. I never understood why it was here. Never, not in all my years, even while I was trapped in stone. And you held your own out there. I mean, while you were trying to figure out what Ben meant by you existing in life and death at the same time, you were spinning in circles yelling jokes and insults at him while evading my killer bees. We may very well have been locked in that battle for years if you hadn’t seen that by existing as a spirit you could invade my own, and therefore invade my mind. You did the one thing no one really expected, and made it work. You know chaos. You are the Lord of Chaos.”
I blew a raspberry and put my hand to my face. “I don’t want to be. I’m already called a hero against my will. If I get the title of ‘Lord’, then I should hang up my pony form now. I just want to be a regular guy. Like I used to be. Plus, you know, my wife. A regular guy with a wife who also happens to be a shape-shifting pony princess from another universe. Is that so much to ask?”
He laughed once, almost scornfully. “Yes, that is a bit much. But the fact is that you still have that wife. You’ll be with her soon. I’m going to expel you, body and spirit, from me. Then I want you to use the same magic I’ve given you to do something that gets rid of me. I have to keep up the mad-man act, but it will be severely toned down. If it kills me, so be it. I’d really rather it didn’t, but if it does I’ll live. So to speak.”
I only had to think for a second before I knew what to do. “All right. Do it. I’ll see you in a moment, my friend.”
…
When Discord tells you ‘expel’, take that as ‘do everything but stick a grenade in your ass to remove you’. Coming out of his head, I felt none of the exuberance that I felt just earlier before. What he had said about time not passing the same way inside his mind was true, because by the looks of the sun not even a half hour had passed. Everyone was still there, waiting for some kind of change in the situation I guess. My parents seemed to be the only ones who were surprised to see me again, though. Everyone else simply waited for something to happen, like they knew I probably had some kind of plan. For once, they were right.
Discord soon appeared in his full, tangible glory. He was right, he still appeared to be insane, but in a dramatically decreased way. He floated down to the ground and rested his hands on his knees, resting. “Well, my boy,” he panted. “You are impressive. I can’t believe you lasted this long. This is the best anyone has ever done. So, what’s your next play?”
I pushed myself shakily to my feet. All the injuries I should have sustained by that point seemed to have been had in my flying across the battlefield. I could feel fractures, cuts, and all sorts of physical trauma starting to creep up. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on my spell. I brought my hands together, a soft, silver glow forming between them. As I drew them apart, the glow turned into a ball of light. As soon as it was ready, I looked up at Discord. He was still waiting, still panting and tired. He smiled briefly and nodded once. I just hoped that no one noticed.
Finally, a beam of light shot forward from the ball, striking Discord in his heart. His face took on an expression of surprise and pain, similar to that of his first two stone incarcerations. With any luck, it was a position he was satisfied with, because it, too, turned to stone. All that effort, and I locked him away again just like before, this time just using his own magic. As his face hardened, a last smile formed across his lips. One of actual happiness, which was rare for him. It was good to see.
The spell ending, I stumbled back towards the group of people and ponies standing where my parents had first shown up. Luna ran forward to help me first, turning into a human as she moved, which is no easy feat. She wrapped her arm around my back and gave me a bit of support, prompting a groan as she set her arm on a particularly nasty gash.
“Oh, stop whining, you big baby,” she muttered with a smile. “You want to impress your folks, don’t you?”
“I had really hoped I had done that when I informed them I had come back from the dead twice.” I took her hand and moved it to a better spot on my side, stealing a quick kiss as I did.
She sighed and kept right on smiling, though she did wipe a bit of dirt and what was likely blood from her lips. “Yeah, they’re still in a little bit of shock at that one. And if you did it again while you were gone, please tell me now and them later.”
I spat a glob of blood at the ground and grimaced. “Yeah, don’t worry, me and Discord just had a little chat. Everything is fine. This is all from being shot out of his psyche and across a battle-worn field. I’ll fix myself up later when I feel up to it.”
She rolled her eyes as she sat me down in front of the group. “We’ll take care of you later. You aren’t doing your own stitches.”
“Who said anything about stitches? Can’t the Lord of Chaos heal his own wounds magically?”
That stopped any movement from the group. Everyone who realized what that meant stared at me for a while, and my parents just kept looking around like they had been clubbed over the head.
“What?” I was the one to break the silence. “Do I have a booger?”
I stayed sitting down for a little bit, looking at the quazi-frightened faces around me. After a moment, I began to chuckle. You know, trying not to be mean, but not exactly… succeeding. At all. I sounded like an ass. It would have been better if I had been breaking down, but this was much worse. And much better. I was rolling on the ground a couple seconds later, but giggling was so much more fun and effective. Luna kept watching with a worried look as I rolled in the dirt.
“Hahahahahaha! You should all see your faces! As soon as I said ‘Lord of Chaos’ you all started looking so funny!” I may have also not been in my right mind, either. The ‘chaos’ part of the ‘chaos magic’ was hitting, I think. Luckily, Pinkie was on my side. After a second of gaping at me, she snorted and began to laugh with me.
“Hehehe, your right! Look at all of us! Like you could really be a Lord of Chaos! Your way to nice and funny to be like Discord! Hehehehehehehehe!” We laughed for a while, but I guess it just wasn’t catching. No one else really joined in, so Pinkie and I just kept laughing until we laughed ourselves out. Or, rather, I laughed myself out. Pinkie could never laugh herself out.
“Um, dear,” Luna started. She didn’t look upset, just concerned. “Maybe you should… roll someplace cleaner? A hospital comes to mind.”
I could barely breathe at that moment, so I just pointed for a while, gasping. “Hoo… Just… Just… Haha… All righty… Yeah, let's do that. Hospital is good.” I picked myself back up again, wincing a little as I did. “But first we need to figure out where Celestia is. I mean, it would be a real shame if we saved Equestria and she didn’t get to enjoy ruling it again. I mean, I know she really enjoys… politics?” The others looked around like they really didn’t know why she liked Princess-ing either, and I took the time to start trying to magically suture myself, which was terribly unpleasant.
Spotting what I was trying to do, Ben held out his hand. “Uh, before you further mangle yourself in the hopes of appearing manly for your wife, Tia-Celestia! Celestia is down in the Crossroads. Down there, with the dead… you know…” If he didn’t have his hood up, and he did have skin, and blood veins, I think he would have been blushing at his slip of the tongue. Luckily it took the heat off of his jab at me.
“Tia is down in the Crossroads and you didn’t tell us?!” Luna was surprisingly calm about it, shouting included. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?! Isn’t that place dangerous?!”
“Princess, please calm down. I hid her because she was in danger up here, and she couldn’t really do a lot of good against Discord.” Ben looked like he was trying desperately to backpedal into a safe place, away from her anger. I knew I was right when he threw a pleading glance at me. I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled a bit. No sympathy from me. I never get any help, even from Tia.
While they argued, I went to try and calm my parents down before they passed out again. I walked slowly, like they might be easily spooked. “Hey, Mom. Dad. How you doin’?” They just stood and looked at me, so I went ahead and kept going. “So, yeah. Died twice. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I was worried about… this. I knew you guys would be really upset. Truth is, the skeletal arm is a direct result of that. When I came back to life the first time, the arm was like this. I know I told you that it was just blown up and reconstructed, but it was just an effect of the whole… being dead thing… Can I get a response? Please? Anything. Blink. It’s starting to get scary.”
Mom swallowed and wiped her face. “This is just a lot to take in… I mean… Sweetie, you should have told us!” she burst.
“Sweetie? What did my little Sweetie Bell do?! Oh, pleeeeeeeease tell me she isn‘t in any trouble!! That would be the worst! Possible! Thing!!” Rarity appeared between the three of us, looking frantic.
“No, no, no Rarity, Sweetie Bell didn’t do anything. That’s one of my mom's… Childhood nickname for me,” I muttered.
“Sweetie, who is this?”
“Mom, this is Rarity. She is a seamstress here in Equestria. Which is why you have never met her.” Yeah, I never took my parents to Equestria. For the same reason. They don’t do well with the idea of inter-dimensional travel. Nor will they ever. “This is… yeah, there’s a lot to explain here, and this is not the place to do it. Tell you what; we will have dinner, the five of us, you, me and Luna, and Celestia. Everything will be told, truthfully. But right now, Luna might be done tearing Ben a new one. Let’s go find her, ok?” They nodded absently and looked after Rarity as she trotted away.
Meanwhile, Luna was still trying to stop yelling, and Ben was trying to survive. “I mean, how could you-! What -! I-! I don’t know what to say!!”
Stepping in, I put my hands on her shoulders and gave them a quick squeeze. “Well, I’d say that’s a good thing, isn’t it! Ha, ha, yes! Silence is golden, after all.” I nodded quickly at Ben to help him catch on. He looked pretty blank, even for a hooded figure. I think I know why he’s single. “Well, while this lovely young woman is sputtering with rage, why don’t we all take a quick trip to the Crossroads, save her sister from no imminent danger, and then return the woodcarving that got stuck in Pinkie’s Party Cannon.”
That got to Ben. Finally. “Wait, which carving?! Pinkie, did you steal a carving?!”
While Pinkie was gasping and wondering if she did, I quickly kept talking. “No, no, it fell into the cannon as we left. Hand to Celestia. Who we still need to save. The monkey fell in. It’s ok, let's just go get it.”
Tossing my scrap of life into the air, I led Princess Luna, Nightmare Moon, Death incarnate, The Elements of Harmony, and my ancestors, ancient and direct back into the land of the dead.
…
Celestia was sitting on the bench where Ben usually sat, working on her bird. I’m actually pretty surprised. It turned out really well. She was just in the process of trying to detail feathers when we all got there. She didn’t look up from her work, but instead just looked more intently at it and the ground.
“If you tell me that he died again and you are carrying his body so he can repossess it or recreate it or complete some other ‘back to life’ scheme, just leave now.” It was a little insulting, honestly. Like I’ve died every time I’ve fought a major Equestrian villain. Wait…
“Wow. Really? Am I that big a loser, or is being mean just an unspoken part of your sister-in-law duties?” I stood in front of her with a big stupid grin and held my arms open for a hug.
Looking up, she realized that I wasn’t dead, which seemed to greatly improve her mood. She quickly put down the carving, stood, and wrapped a foreleg around my waist. She must not have noticed the gashes either, because she squeezed me with a great deal of her strength. “Oh, gods, I knew you would do it! Thank you so much! How did you defeat him?”
As soon as she let go, I doubled back over in pain, trying to hold my sides together. Luna stepped in to save me while I lay bleeding. “We don’t know that either, but he wouldn’t go to the hospital without knowing for sure you were ok. Can you please help us get him back to the castle while he’s in too much pain to protest?” The sad part is she wasn’t even kidding. She actually saw that as their best shot at getting me there.
Obviously that is unacceptable. I pulled myself up off the ground and tried to back myself up. “Oh, that’s not fair,” I groaned, bracing myself on John. ”But I’d still like to know why I can do this, the whole leaning on John thing, and the jumping into Discord’s psyche.”
“He did what ?!” Celestia screamed at Ben. “How could you let him do that?! Not only is it a terrible idea, but it goes against the laws of all natural things!”
“Yes! Thank you!” Twilight and Luna’s responses were identical and simultaneous.
Groaning a little bit again, I leaned a little heavier on John. “Dude,” I started, pointing at Ben, “You are not having a good lady day.”
“Oh, shut up. You're bleeding out, so I’m going to let that pass,” he muttered. “Let’s go before I have to greet you down here again.”
Taking that as his cue, John swept me up in his big arms and started to carry me back into the still active portal. “Lad, we’re gonna go get you rested. Only after that are you allowed to make an ass of yourself.”
“Aw, dang, I’m so good at it too,” I slurred. “But yeah, I think that a doctor may be a half decent idea. God, I hope I’m wearing clean underwear…”
…
I woke back up in the hospital, very sore, very hurt, and a little cranky. The doctor was standing over me with a worried look. I smiled groggily at him and pointed at the IV needle sticking out of my arm.
“Maaan, ish sooo nice of youse tah give dis to meeee…”
The worried expression on his face relaxed a little bit. “Stop that, you know that it’s long since stopped effecting you, you in here so much. It’s just a formality.”
“Yes, in his body, but it’s permanently ingrained itself onto his personality,” Said a comforting voice from the far side of the room.
“Well, excuse me for trying to get cranky old Doc Scalpel to smile,” I muttered for real. “He never grins. Even when describing all the cool stuff he did in surgery or what he pulled out of my wounds!”
That old man finally cracked a smile when I mentioned taking stuff out of my body. “Actually this time was truly quite interesting. There were pieces of bottles, meat, condiments, half an alarm clock, a few twigs, bits of aluminum, all sorts of things. As per your standing request, I have saved the things I removed from you for you to look through.” he magically lifted a surprisingly large tray of crap out from under the bed. “I would strongly suggest you don’t get into a skirmish of such magnitude with Discord again,” he warned. “You were lucky to survive this time.”
Gesturing carelessly, I just laughed. “You say that every time I’m in here!”
Allowing himself a slight chuckle, he turned to walk away. “That’s because it’s always true.”
Setting the bedpan on my lap, I gestured to Luna to come help me browse. “Yeah, but I always heal quickly!” I called after him. While noting the fact that he didn’t leave, Luna and I began to look through all the stuff that had been inside me. “Ooh, a license plate!”
Luna just laughed as she walked up. “Honey, do you really have to admire everything that Doctor Scalpel removes from you? Wait, is that a bottle opener?”
Laughing, I picked up the item in question and tried to hand it to her. “Yes it is. Though I’m more concerned about the license plate. Where did that even fit?”
The doctor chuckled some more and shook his head. “That was stuck in the upper layers of skin on your chest. That’s the scar running between your clavicles.”
“Oh. I don’t remember that much pain. Honey, how shocky did I look?”
Giving me a sorry look, she tried to smile. “Dear, it was incredibly bad. You really shouldn’t be alive. I mean it.” Her face got all serious again. “And I am saying this next thing in all seriousness, with the good Doctor as my witness because your parents might pass out again if I said it in their company. So listen closely and do not make any jokes. Am I clear?” Something in her voice and her eyes told me she really meant it, so I just nodded, silently knowing I couldn’t promise no jokes.
“I still want to have kids with you. We can’t do that when you are dead. Stop dying, or I will destroy your spirit along with your body, and then not speak to you for a month.”
“Well. All right then. I will remember that. What if I just get depossessed again?” I went back to digging through the pile of stuff in my lap. “I mean, I wasn’t actually dead. Not for realzies.” I didn’t really know what to say after that, so I made childish faces at her until she finally broke.
“I am including any form of death, depossession, decapitation, anything. Stop walking around in spiritual form without a choice.” She was clearly trying not to laugh. “Anyways, I think we should let the others in.”
I put down the bloody GameBoy Color, quietly hoping that it would work, and gave her a look. “‘Others‘? How-how many others are there? Not a lot?” I asked hopefully.
“Well, there’s just Tia, Ben, John. Your parents, Nightmare Moon, The Elements of Harmony, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The girls really wanted to thank you for showing them how to dig through a mountain, or something like that. Oh, and a little grey mail mare brought you a thundercloud. And broke a window. But, yeah, everyone who was there plus some.” I groaned and slumped back into my pillow. Pinkie was not somepony I wanted to deal with right now. It might actually kill me.
First was the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Those three fillies are just as cute in real life as they are on the show. They picked up right where they left off when they were taken out, all oohing and aahing at the stuff on the tray. As I looked at the bottle opener Luna had pointed out earlier, little Apple Bloom looked up at me with those big eyes and asked, “How did you do something so brave?”
That was a hell of a question. And I didn’t know how to answer. Luna smiled a little from my bedside, waiting for my answer. “Well, Apple Bloom, I didn’t really do anything brave, I don’t think. Really, everything I did out there was just really stupid. I mean, I really shouldn’t have tried to beat Discord in a chaos-off. And I shouldn’t have tried to burrow through that mountain. So, I’m not a brave man. I just do stuff without thinking.”
“Yeah, but it all turns out so radical!” Scootaloo shouted, bouncing a little on my chest out of excitement.
“Yeah, Scoots, except it doesn’t. Things being radical would mean that Discord had been defeated without my having to die one and a half times. Again. Radical would be everyone being safe and happy without anyone getting hurt or scared.”
“Well, were you scared?” Sweetie Bell asked, squeaking a little bit. I had to laugh, even though it hurt.
“Oh, you bet. I’m scared all the time. I’m scared for you girls, for the Princesses, and all the others. And myself, yeah. I don’t like ending up here, despite how often I’m here. Though I’ll tell you a little secret.” I leaned in close and whispered. “Hospital food isn’t that great.”
The girls giggled a little bit and we kept talking for a while, making little jokes about hospitals and talking about what it was like in the Crossroads. My parents came in while I was making a face, depicting how I thought Ben looked underneath his cowl. Seeing them, I quickly straightened my face out and gave each of the girls a pat on the head. “Hey, I need to talk to them, all right?” They all sighed in disappointment but got off the bed without a fuss. “Hey, come on. I promise we’ll go through all the rest of this stuff later, and then we’ll all go to Sugarcube Corner.” That cheered them right up and they all ran out the door cheering. Mom and Dad couldn’t help but smile at the girls as they ran happily past them. They may have been uncomfortable, but they weren’t stone.
“So, who were they?” my mom dared to ask.
“The little yellow filly was AppleBloom, AppleJacks sister. Sweetie Bell, white coat, purple and pinkish mane, is Rarity’s sister. You remember Rarity, the drama queen from the field? Heart of gold, made my wedding tux for a discount, wing holes and all. And the orange girl, Scootaloo, is sort of Rainbow Dash’s adopted sister.”
She nodded slowly. “Ah. I understand.”
I laughed from my place on the bed. “Yeah, I’m sure you do. Except they aren’t things to understand, they’re people. With hooves.”
She nodded slowly. “Yeah, pumpkin. I know. But I’m still not used to it. I mean, you married a… You know, pony. We still have some troubles with it.”
I put a hand to my face and fell back into my pillow, sighing. “Seriously? We have to do this now? Number one, the point isn’t that I married somepony or somebody you love or approve of, I married somepony I love. I. And she loves me. Debatably. I think.” I looked at her sideways through the gap between my radial and ulnar bones.
She smiled at me and put a hoof softly on my shoulder. “Of course I do. Though I wish you would stop getting killed.”
“Yeah, I think that’s a point we should address too,” my dad piped in. “In fact, bring in… Celestial, isn’t it? I think we should just talk about this now, not wait until you get out if the hospital and we can all have dinner.”
Luna and I looked at each other and nodded. Her horn glowed just the slightest little bit and Celestia came in slowly, awkwardly brushing by my parents and moving off to the side, making an awkward triangle between us. We all waited for someone to say something, until finally Celestia spoke up. “So, why was I called? Or are we going to stand here awkwardly?”
I shrugged. “I had us penciled in for five minutes of awkward, then a half hour of making fun of the doc.” He glowered over his newspaper from his chair in the corner. “Then a half hour of mocking death, then we finish off with seeing who can land the sweetest dive of the balcony. Sound like a plan?”
Luna and Celestia each gave an awkward chuckle, but my parents just looked at me like they wondered if I was kidding. Luna stood, walked over to them, and held out her hoof in friendship. “Please. Let’s all talk about this like rational adults. And Adam.” That finally got them to crack a smile. Celestia used her magic to pull the couches and chairs in the room over to the bed and everyone sat down while I propped myself up.
“So, I suppose you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today,” I began, stroking my chin. The joke didn’t land, so I kept talking. “Ok, really, I’d just like to say that mom and dad, you haven’t really tried to get to know Luna or Celestia, and you certainly haven’t tried to take an interest in Equestria as a whole. I would have thought that you two would have enjoyed learning about a whole new world.”
Luna nodded a little, and I caught it out of the corner of my eye. “You don’t get off scott free either, sweet pea,” I continued. “In the same manner, you haven’t talked much to my parents. I will take some responsibility, since I wanted to have the wedding broken into two parts it did make it a little less romantic when we went to earth and got married as humans. But the point remains that we should all try a little harder to know and appreciate each other. Savvy?”
Everyone nodded. “Why did I have to come in, and why did you say ‘savvy’?” Celestia looked confused.
“Because it was my damn speech. Now, is everyone satisfied? Everyone loves everyone, we’re all one big happy family?”
Everyone nodded, but mom still looked concerned. “But, I think your father also wanted to talk about you dying…”
I nodded suddenly, remembering. “Oh, right. Yeah, that may be a bit of a long talk, but I’ll give you a few of the details if you want. The real story, not what I gave you over dinner the first time I came home like this.” I wiped my face and tried to consider how I should word all of what I was about to say. “You know how sometimes you wake up from a really bad dream, but it feels like your still in the dream?” They nodded. “This is nothing like that, bad example. Ummm… Well, my dying… really just made me magically powerful enough to defeat Nightmare Moon, who happens to be standing in the hall. She’s a good guy now. But if I hadn’t been killed, I wouldn’t have gotten everything together and in turn I wouldn’t have been able to help as much as I did. I mean, the girls did more than I did, but still.”
Neither looked convinced, but mom looked like she was kind of understanding, though she didn’t like it. “So, what did you do this time that killed you?”
Luna and I looked at each other. “Uhh, well, see… I kind of didn’t all the way die this time. It was more like my soul was magically torn from my body as I used enchanted hammers to dig a tunnel through a magically produced mountain. Or something like that.”
Their faces paled. “W-What?” dad sputtered.
I shrugged. They took it better than I thought they would. “Yep. And so I had to go through some kind of olden ritual so that I could reseal my spirit and body back together. Just a heads up, I wouldn’t do that unless you really had to.” They nodded once, but didn’t say anything. “All right, that wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s what happened. And things are all taken care of now, and we can move on. OK?” They nodded. “All right, so while you guys think about that, I think I have other guests. You guys should probably go take a rest, ok?”
They nodded one more time and Celestia led them out, the dead walking through them as they did. They were quiet and respective, and moved around me quickly. “So, how are y’all feelin?” John asked, looking a little bit concerned.
I just blew a raspberry. “I’ve been better. But look at all this cool stuff!” I held the tray up proudly and smiled like a child.
He and Nightmare Moon each laughed and began to look at the objects with me. I had to move most of the stuff for them since they couldn’t touch them, but we had a good time. Celestia left for a while as we dug through, but they soon left and Celestia came back in. Apparently she had done some pretty heavy thinking, because her eyes were red and her muzzle was runny.
“I’m good,” I answered absently, pushing a few things aside on the tray. “Found my wallet. Apparently, it got impacted in my ass. I have no idea how that happened, but it’s kind of awesome. Like having a built in back pocket.”
Luna smiled and moved the tray back to its place under the bed. "Yes, but remember, you are never allowed to shoot yourself out of a maniacs consciousness again."
Celestia shifted her weight from hoof to hoof, like she was trying to think of how to begin a difficult conversation. "Well, that's actually what I wanted to ask you about. What actually went on in there? What did you see or learn?"
Shivering a little at the memory of the initial darkness, I leaned forward as best I could. "Yeah, I haven't actually explained that yet, have I? Of course, I don't know how I got in there in the first place."
Celestia nodded a little bit. "I believe I can answer that. A creature's consciousness is like their spirit, in a way. Or at least, they act similarly. That means that since you are able to interact with both spiritual and physical objects, you were also able to jump directly into the mind of Discord. Why he allowed you to, I don't know. Which is where you start explaining."
I nodded and patted on the bed so that she would sit down. The two princesses looked at me with concern, like I was in danger of turning into Discord myself. "Have you ever had a bad dream?"
Luna gave me a sideways look. "Dear, I don't know what that has to do with-"
"Just answer the question," I cut her off. Both princesses nodded. "Think of the worst nightmare you have. I mean, the very worst. No holds barred, end of all worlds kind of thing. Now imagine that it was reality. That would be child's play compare to what went on in those first layers of darkness inside Discord's mind."
Celestia put her hoof to her mouth and simply whispered, "Oh, gods..."
Before she could start crying, I put up a hand. "But, that isn't all. There was more. Much more."
Luna put a comforting hoof on my shoulder. "What greater darkness could there have been?"
I took her hoof in my hand and gave it a slight squeeze. "I didn't say a greater darkness. I said there was more to him. After I went in, yes, there was a special level of hell to experience, and while that will haunt me for the rest of eternity, it was brief. There was a peace in his mind. At the center, there was a grassy area. At least, that's what his consciousness manifested as. An endless, perfect green field with a tree. We sat underneath that tree and talked. That's all we did. We talked, and he confided in me. He told me what was bothering him. Any guesses as to what it was?"
Celestia put her hoof down, but continued to speak very softly. "He was lonely."
Patting her hoof, I nodded. "Exactly. He was lonely and misunderstood. So he lashed out with one of the greatest powers imaginable. He was sad, and he was lonely. So he acted childishly. Like many ponies do. I mean, I don't myself, but you know, others do." I squeezed Luna's hoof again with a slight smile. She smiled a little bit, but Celestia continued to stare off into space absently, looking horrified.
"I did this," she whispered. "It's all my fault. Oh, gods..." She fell into a heap on my lap and abdomen, sobbing. I fell back into the pillows in extraordinary pain, but composed myself enough to move her head to my less tender chest and softly stroke her mane like a child.
"Now, Tia, listen to me." I spoke softly, doing my best to sound soothing. "This is not your fault. You weren't ready or interested in a relationship with him. You couldn't have seen that it was going to send him into a spiraling pit of madness that would threaten to destroy Equestria and all pony life as we know it."
Now Luna's confused look was directed at her sister. "You and Discord were a thing?"
Celestia sniffled, but didn't move her head from my chest. "No. He wanted to be, and I turned him away. That was when he began to truly go mad, and apparently why we had to seal him away with the Elements of Harmony the first time."
I kept stroking her mane, since it seemed to help, and kept talking. "Tia, even though that's all true, what isn't true is that it is your fault. You are a very good princess. There's a reason all of your subjects listen to you. You have their respect. You protect them. And I think I really helped him settle some of his conflict. When I left he was much happier, and the trip wasn't as emotionally scarring. And if you don't believe all that, I have something to show you. Hey, Doc!" The sudden change in my voice made both girls jump, but the doctor just looked up from his crossword. "Is there any chance I could get just a teeny tiny favor from you?"
...
"Adam, I really must again protest the... Err, logic behind this plan." Doctor Scalpel was following closely, making sure my IV stayed upright. Celestia was levitating my bed, since I couldn't stand or push a wheelchair myself, and Luna made sure I was stable.
"Doctor, one thing you've been a little slow on the uptake of is that he doesn't think things through, and when he decides to do something, he is very difficult to stop." Luna laughed a bit and gave me a pat on the arm.
I laughed myself and winked at her. "Yeah, that's true enough. Though I'm surprised you let me race that airplane."
She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "At least if you had been sucked into an engine your funeral would have been covered. You would be thrown everywhere."
Celestia, who was feeling better with the walk and the work, smiled just in the slightest and looked at us. "How do you two joke about death so easily? I'd be terrified if my husband was so reckless!"
Trying not to over-balance, I looked around the gardens. "Well, see, that's one of the benefits of having a husband who's already gotten himself killed once and a wife who's so impossibly amazing and understanding. On my part, I realize that it's an inevitability and ignore it. Plus, I already know that I'm going to go to someplace nice when I die. Kind of takes the scariness out of it, you know?"
Celestia gave Luna a look, but she just shrugged. She knew I was right. While the doctor muttered something more about this being a bad idea, we came to where we were headed. Celestia set me down in front of Discord's new statue, right next to the old one. With Luna's help, I propped myself up and pointed at his face. "Ok, now look at his face. Look at the emotion. Compare it to the old one. What do you see?"
All three looked closely until they saw what I had seen in the final moment: happiness, and maybe some kind of peace. I knew when Celestia knew, because she gave a little gasp.
"Why would he have any kind of joy at being sealed away again? Isn't this state rather torturous?"
"Not so much right now. He has a lot to think about now. And now that he know how to brave his own thoughts, he can start to work through it. Maybe someday, he can be trusted to be a good guy again. So yeah, there's peace there, but there's hope too. Finally, and maybe most importantly, was his final act. His taking the magical blast."
All of them looked back to me like I had lost my mind. "What are you talking about?" Luna demanded. "He shot you out of his head and was weak. That's all that happened."
I shook my head as firmly as I could without it falling off. "No. He took that blast. He faced the consequences, and at the hands of his own magic. He could have dodged it. I know."
"How? Show do you know that? I mean, you were gravely injured. You were barely able to finish it the way you did."
"At that time, I was doing just fine. I didn't even notice everything that was wrong, remember? And I know he could have gotten away because I could have. He had honor in that second. The same thing that brought me back this time is what had opened the door back for him."
Celestia turned back to the statue. She looked at it for a while, then began to smile. She lowered her head and chuckled a soft, low chuckle. "I knew you could do it," she whispered. She reached out and touched his face once, then drew back and turned back to the rest of us. "We should really get back to the room. You've had a very long day."
Ignoring the doctor as he muttered something again, I laid back and made myself as comfortable as I could. "I don't know, I think you have too. I'm thinking... Ice cream!"
"No!!" cried Scalpel. "Absolutely not! You've risked enough infection by coming out here! I won't allow it!"
Making an ineffectual sad face, I craned my neck to look at him. "But doctooor, we always go get ice cream when we beat a super villain. It's a tradition!"
"You've only beaten one before now." The doctor looked like he was going to pop a vein, he was so angry.
"Well, traditions have to start somewhere."
He sighed and shook his head, a bit of greying hair falling in front of his face. "I wonder if I can just refuse to treat you."
I laughed as Celestia lifted my mattress back into the air. "You could, but then you'd only make about half as much money."
Finally seeing some of my reason, he nodded and kept quiet. No one spoke until we were back in the room and the bed was whole again. Celestia clearly felt better, but was still in deep thought. She sat on my bedside again, looking as if she might break down crying again at any moment. Her eyes were still puffy from last time, but she turned her head so I couldn't see very well. "So, you really think he's going to be ok?" She still spoke in a whisper. It seemed like every time we were in this room she refused to speak very loud.
I leaned forward, putting my hand to my chest in the hopes it would stop the searing pain. It didn't. "Well, 'ok' is a relative term for Discord. But yeah, he'll be all right. As far as I could tell, he was feeling better and was willing to spend some time in serious deep thought. And we both know how good I am at reading people."
For the first time in a while, Celestia snorted in laughter. "Which is why when we first met you figured it was a good idea to further enrage me by calling Luna hot and mocking my star pupil?"
Relishing the fact that she was finally showing that she felt better, I scratched the top of my head and smiled a bit. "Well, I've gotten better since then."
Luna chuckled and ran a hoof through my moderately singed hair. "Well, 'better' is a relative term with you dear."
We laughed at that until I passed out again.
The world was dark again, but not as dark as before. There was less torment to wade through on the way to the center. When I arrived, I stood in the same place I arrived the first time, a short distance away from the tree. It had grown substantially in the time that had passed, and was a good looking tree now. Discord was sprawled out underneath it, thoughtfully tapping one of his lion claws on the trunk of the tree. I sat down on the other side of the tree without saying a word. We sat for a while, just looking at the sky. He was the first to break the comfortable silence.
“Thanks for shooting me.”
I craned my head to look at him from my side of the tree. “You’re welcome. Thanks for being a cool guy, minus the crazy trying to kill me stuff. Though I did enjoy the challenge, half dead stuff aside.”
I saw him smile just before settling back into my comfortable patch of mind dirt. “Yes, I suppose I did get carried away there, didn’t I?”
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me from where he was sitting. “Well, maybe. It was kind of fun.”
He gave a wry chuckle. “You are a bit off, aren’t you?”
I shrugged again. “I guess. Luna would probably agree with you. I prefer to think of it as undiscovered genius.”
I heard a derisive snort come from him. “Yeah, so undiscovered you haven’t even found it.” He shifted in his place. “She really is a goddess, you know.”
I looked up at the sky through the leaves of the tree. “Luna or Tia?”
“Mmm, both, I guess.”
I smiled. “Both counts, I agree. Tia is a bit protective of Luna at times, and Luna snores pretty badly, but they are both really great.”
He couldn’t help but exclaim in laughter. “Ha! Luna snores?! Really?”
I laughed with him. “Yeah, and drools a bit when she sleeps on her side. She refuses to acknowledge it though. She just blames it on me. Won’t listen to reason, doesn’t admit that I wouldn’t be drooling on her pillow, but she does.”
We laughed for another moment. “In all seriousness, though,” he continued. “Your wife, Luna, is truly dynamic. I don’t know of anypony else that could have navigated that obstacle course as well as she, and she stood remarkably firmly by you even after you were dead again.”
I smiled thinking about her. “Yeah, she’s perfect. Too good for me. Did you happen to be there when she gave me her ring?”
“Almost cried. Even before you talked sense into me, I had emotion. It was beautiful.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know. Me too.”
We were quiet. A few clouds passed overhead. “That one looks like a bunny,” I muttered.
He seemed confused. “What are you talking about? You and I are the only ones here.”
I rolled over next to him so I could see his side of the sky. “You serious? What kind of cloud-watcher are you? Look at that cloud,” I said, pointing. “What does that look like to you?”
“A cloud.”
No, I mean something you’d see otherwise. I think it looks kind of like a pirate ship.”
“Why a pirate ship? Why not a large sailboat or a kind of schooner? Or, maybe even-“
“You suck at this. It’s just what it looks like. It might be different.”
“Oh, all right. A pirate ship it is. What’s that one look like to you?”
I squinted at it. “A turtle maybe?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I can see that. A turtle…”
So, I should probably start with telling you my name. I never did last time. It worked out, because no one really used it, but as I spent more time living in Equestria, more ponies learned it and used it. My name is Adam. For you who are coming in blind, I am both an alicorn and a human. But that’s a whole different story. What you need to know is that I am considered a hero on Equestria and an oddity on Earth. I can transform between my alicorn and my human forms. Both forms have magical abilities and wings, though my alicorn body is much more magically powerful and my human body, due to its more slender size and shape, is much more suited for flying.
I control the Element of Life, which you may not have heard of that’s because I created the Elemental form of Life. Again, that’s a long story. Also, during that story, I was killed by Nightmare Moon, and when I came back to life, the price was being cursed with a skeletal hand. Really, it’s pretty sweet, though, because I can take it off and still control it and cool stuff like that. That’s all you really need to know right now, at least if you’re coming into this tale blind. That and I’m married to Princess Luna. The rest I’ll explain as it comes, or it will explain itself.
So, that’s a lot to take in all at once. Now here’s the rest of the story. It didn’t start in Equestria. It actually started in an apartment in Alaska. Yeah, I know, “Why would someone with magic and wings want to live in a crap-hole like that?” The truth is, though, I’ve always loved it. I grew up here. The cold appeals to me more than the sand and the sun in many ways. There are less people to try to deal with, and they seem to be friendlier in general than people from other places. Of course, even with the wings I don’t travel much on Earth, so I could be biased. Plus, when snow gets in your eyes, it doesn’t burn or sting like sand does, and I have the reputation of being... A bit clumsy, I guess you could say. So soft, non-corrosive padding on the ground eight out of twelve months is a good thing.
Back to the apartment. It’s my home on Earth with Luna. My Princess. She can change from being an alicorn to a human too. We didn’t figure it out until I had done it, and luckily we found an easier way for her to do it for the first time than me. My first time I had to take the power directly from the Elements of Harmony. Yes, that means that I got hit by a blast from them during battle. It’s not as bad as it sounds, I was a good guy. With Luna though, we just had Twilight, Celestia, and I all cast the transformation spell at once. Since Luna doesn’t carry an Element, it was a little easier. She’s just as beautiful as a human as when she’s a pony, my girl. Tall and slender, with alabaster skin and midnight black hair flowing past her shoulders, and her eyes look just like they do when she’s in Pony form, just human shaped.
Anyways, it was a lazy Sunday. We were hanging around the house, kind of just relaxing. I didn’t have any classes that day (I’m slowly working towards a nursing degree), and she didn’t have any royal duties that day. Celestia had been incredibly understanding with the whole situation, helping with the moon and stars when Luna was on Earth with me, and continuing to do the lion’s share of the royal duties. I was truthfully a little surprised she was so cool with all of it. She hadn’t been my biggest fan at first. In fact, when we first met she tried to kill me. At least, I maintain that. She claims it was a wounding/warning shot, but if I hadn’t ducked I think it would have gone through my heart instead of just giving me a nasty scar on my left arm.
Sorry, I keep allowing myself to get sidetracked. Lazy Sunday. I had no classes and Luna was free of her duties for a while. We were just lying about in our human bodies, playing ‘Super Smash Bros. Brawl’ and drinking soda. That woman is damn near unstoppable as Mario, let me tell you. We were trying to finish a particularly brutal round when suddenly a shimmering purple light appeared right in front of the screen. As the light grew, a small black tear seemed to form out of thin air in the middle of it. It was right in the middle of the screen, too. As the line grew wider and longer, or characters cries grew more frequent and more erratic as we both mashed buttons, each trying desperately to kill the other while we were distracted. As the light and the tear grew to it’d full size, big enough for Celestia to walk through without ducking, I heard my Link give a final cry of anguish as he was knocked from his place in the Pokémon Stadium. Dropping my remote in defeat and mimicking his cry as best I could, I gave a laughing Luna a quick kiss as her sister walked through the portal.
“Good day, you two,” she said, her face not quite happy and not quite upset. “Having a good time?”
“Well, she is!” I said, keeping up the act of the emasculated gamer husband. “I had her! You couldn’t have waited thirty seconds? You know, sometimes I think you two plan this out.”
Chuckling only slightly, Celestia said, “You haven’t been able to beat her in the year and a half you’ve known each other, I don’t think today was going to be any different.”
Clutching my chest and falling against Luna in mock pain, I faked Links death cry again. “Oh! Tia! Your words wound! Plus that was a low blow,” I added, straightening up and glowering at her. I’m not a very good ‘glower-er’, though, and I guess that time must have been especially bad, because it finally broke her composure and she broke down laughing for a moment. As we all laughed, Celestia weakly waver her hoof, as if she had actually come with important news and I was not being ‘mature’. Not that I usually was.
“No, no, no…” she spat out between breaths. “But seriously folks…” Well that phrase is obviously a cliché joke in itself, so she couldn’t get to the point for another thirty seconds while we all laughed at that. When we had all caught our breath for the second time, she tried to talk again, her face flushed from the laughter. “Really, I came here to ask for help.”
“Well, Tia, you should have said so!” Luna piped up. “Here, sit here next to me. Just push the wounded warrior out of the way,” she finished, giving me a wink. She’s gotten better at modern language and making those little jabs on the fly since we’ve met.
Giving her a playful push and a smile, I stood up and made room for Celestia before she picked me up with her magic and moved me herself. Because she would. “Yeah, here, take a seat, I’ll get some more beverages. So, a Dr. Pepper for our reigning lightweight Celestia, a Dew for me, and what do you want this time, hon?”
“Just a root beer. I’ve had too much caffeine as it is,” I heard her call.
“Got it. Catch!” I said, tossing their drinks into the air. It’s a lot less funny doing that to alicorns, or alicorns in human form, for that matter. Rather than juggling it for thirty seconds, succeeding only in shaking it up before dropping it like most people, they just caught the cans in their magic and let them gently float down. Plopping down in my chair across from the two girls, I cracked my own can and took a drink before asking, “So, what is it you need help with?”
“Well, it’s a little embarrassing…” she said, quietly turning a shade of sunset pink. “You see, it’s time for the staff’s annual week of vacation, and I have to admit that, unfortunately, my housekeeping skills are… Well, rather lacking. I am not in the practice of keeping things clean as I go, either. I guess I am asking you to come back for at least this week and live in the castle. Between the three of us I think we can keep everything pretty clean and manage to feed ourselves without getting food poisoning.”
Realizing that there were too many opportunities to heckle and too many jokes available, I leaned forward, placing my drink on the little coffee table. Or rather, on the conveniently placed coaster Luna practically threw under my can before it hit the wood. God, she has got to be the only person left who still uses them as commonplace items. “So, let me make sure everything is straight in my head.” I saw Celestia tense, realizing that a joke was on her way. “You want us to come to the castle for a week to be your bi-”
“Adam!” Luna cried in horror as she realized what I was about to say. “Really? I will let her shoot you again, you know!”
Finally seeing the metaphorical sign that said “Thin Ice”, I quickly back-pedaled. “Sorry, it was just too easy. Yeah, I don’t see why not. It would be nice to be back in the castle, even if it were empty. I’m game.”
Giving me one last warning glance, Luna turned back to her sister. “As am I. We would love to take you up on your generous offer.” Ooh, she was speaking quasi-properly again. That was her ‘secret’ was of apologizing for whatever I’ve done wrong at a given point. Secret my butt…
Celestia lost the angry crimson glow she had gotten after my ill-conceived quip, and instead broke into a relieved smile. “Oh, wonderful! I’m so thankful. This really is a bit embarrassing to me, and the servants were, let’s say ‘upset’ at the state of things when they returned last year. Especially the kitchen staff. I don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of cooking.”
“Hey, honey, it might be genetic!” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I clapped my skeletal hand over my mouth a half second after I had said it, but the damage was done.
Luna gave me one of her looks. Not like, “The Look”. Not the one that is instinctual in every wife and grants the power of making her husband feel like a total ass. This was the look that said, “That joke was better than the last, but it still wasn’t the time”. It either said that, or, “Stop trying to tape your feet to the ceiling without using your powers and keep studying your Anatomy textbook”. I always get those looks mixed up. Whatever her eyes were saying though, her mouth said, “You just volunteered to do all the cooking for the next week.”
Moving my hand from my mouth to my drink, I grinned a little bit and said, “Great. Beef steak and hot dogs.”
“Make him do the dishes now too,” Celestia whispered not-so-quietly.
I muttered “I heard that”, but was ignored and given the task of the dishes too. After a little more small talk, Celestia left to make sure that our room would be ready by our arrival that evening, leaving Luna and I alone again. “So,” she said, turning to me in a way that told me I wasn’t out of the doghouse for the ‘be your bitches’ comment. “You succeeded in making a jerk out of yourself again.”
Giving her a sheepish smile, I just said, “Yeah, but it took me longer this time!” Laughing, she hit me in my bony arm, and I let it fall off just to scare her. She gave me more of a punch to the shoulder for that.
As we began to pack, we continued to talk. “So, why didn’t we invite her here for the week?” I asked. “I mean, without the staff there, there wouldn’t have been much royal business coming in, and it isn’t difficult to go back and forth to do the sun and moon. Plus, it‘s not that much more difficult to keep things clean when she‘s here too.”
Luna began to fold clothes that she either needed to take to Rarity to have adjusted or was just going to wear while human. “Well, I thought about it, but you know how she can be. He worries so much about how everything is doing at every given moment, especially after your incident.” She looked at me and raised an eyebrow for that part.
While she packed clothes, I packed the important things, like snacks. “Hey, it’s not like I summoned Nightmare Moon and asked her to kidnap you. Though I’m glad she did. Hey, where are my Funyuns?”
“Funyuns? Really? You already have fruit snacks and Doritos. You have enough. And while I’m glad she did too, being beaten by her again really shattered Tia’s self-confidence. She’s only recovered this much because of what you said to her at the end of it all, when you were supposed to be resting. That and the burial. Seeing her actually put in the ground.”
“Yeah, I guess I can understand that. Well, I think we should offer to have her stay here for a few days, just to get her out of the castle for a bit And yes, the Funyuns are necessary. See, this is the difference between men and women packing. You pack luxuries, like clothes, and we pack important things, like the gummy worms that you didn’t see and Funyuns. They’re a deliciously different snack that’s fun! It says so on the bag! Pleeeease?”
She looked at me with false disgust. “We will invite her, and don’t beg, it’s unmanly.”
Finally finding the bag behind the microwave, I came over and put it in my bag. “Well, one of us has to be feminine, and if you’re ordering me to the kitchen, why not go all the way?”
I had to duck to avoid the shoe that came flying across the room at about 80 miles per hour. “At least don’t put those with the clothes that you have to take to Rarity! Every time you do she can smell it and she complains under her breath!”
Realizing that I had put them on top of those clothes, I went to pick them up. In my defense, before I say anything else, they need to make the bottom yellow and the top another color so you can easily tell which way is up. Before I caught my mistake, the half bag that was left was all in my duffel bag, right on top of the clothes for Rarity. “So, honey?” I said a little nervously. “What was the ‘Plan B’?”
Authors Note : I mean no offense to Alaska. I am actually from Alaska, and I love it there. This is really more of a shout out than anything. Remember, constructive criticism is appreciated
