A lone individual stirs in the grass as the sun invades his eyes. The unfortunate guys name is Matt, and he is greeted by the familiar embrace of a hangover as he begins to wake up.
“Did someone spike my scotch last night?”
The young man is of a medium build with short brown hair, and a goatee with a red tint. He stands up at a height of 6 feet even only to immediately sit back down as his head feels like its about to split open. Did I drink a whole bottle or something? Once the initial pain goes down from the equivalent of a jackhammer to an episode of Big Bang Theory, Matt takes his first real look at his surroundings to discover that he’s a long way from home. Apple trees, apple trees everywhere. Matts drinking friends liked to prank him from time to time, but this is extreme even for them. These are the types of friends that have made it impossible for Matt to look at carrots the same way again, not ditch him in the middle of an apple grove.
“There aren’t even any apple farms nearby. How did I even get here?”
Matt suddenly becomes aware of his growling stomach, and decides to make the most of his situation by helping himself to an apple.
“If God throws you into an apple orchard, eat an apple.”
What is quickly deemed the best apple he’s ever had, Matt quickly begins to wolf down several apples. The natural sugar and the sheer volume of juice inside of them rehydrates Matt more with each apple as his hangover fades to a level that would prevent Matt from scaring small children. While distracted from reaching for his seventh apple, a rope lasso suddenly finds its way over his head, and around his upper body. Matt is caught completely off guard and quickly losses his balance when whoever lassoed him up makes a strong pull and Matt falls over hard with the side of his head finding a rock. Matt passes out almost instantly, but not before hearing hearing some say in a southern accent, “what in tarnation are you?”
******
Matt wakes up again with headache to make friends with his hangover (they become fast friends). He takes note that he’s in an old fashion barn filled with hay, wooden tools, farming equipment, and lots of rope, some of which is tied around him currently. The lack of any even remotely current technology along with the recent assault provoked by only eating a few apples is reason enough for Matt to assume the worse as he think of how to escape the barn before anyone shows up. Who knows what these hillbillies will do to him when they come back?
Fortunately, Matt’s captors did a terrible job tying him up. The ropes and knots were tight enough, but he was tied up in the most bizarre spots. Instead of the sensible areas like around his ankles and wrists, one loop was around his knees and another was over his shoulders and around his elbows. Matt made quick work of his bondage removing the rope with some simple wiggling until the ropes were inched low enough down his body to become loose enough for them to just be taken off and around his feet.
Matt would have taken half as long if he weren’t constantly distracted by an inconsistent pinging sound that he kept hearing. The first few times he heard this noise he froze and looked around trying to identify the source. After a few fruitless tries he just assumed the rock hit him harder than he thought and finished his work just as he begins to hear what sounds like several horses trotting.
“Of course these hicks have horses,” Matt mutters to himself as he scrambles to get to the back door. He opens and closes the door as quietly as he can and sprints for the closest apple grove to hide behind. If they have horses, than it would be a very brief chase if they saw him trying to leave.
When mere feet away from a dense patch of apple trees he sees a brief flash of purple light around all the trees as if someone was shining a flashlight from behind him.
what the...?
“There he is Applejack!”
Crap crap crap!
Suddenly a bright purple light is cast in front of Matt as he comes to a dead stop. Matt is stunned to see a light purple unicorn with some thin indigo highlights in its (her?) hair. Even though it wasn’t human, Matt could read the unicorns face and gauged it looked about half as shocked as he felt.
“What are you?” the unicorn asks incredulously.
Of course it talks. Matt’s brain does the equivalent of clapping its hands while saying “I’m out,” as animal instincts set in. Matt faints left, but turns right, to resume his sprint only to be lifted into the air by a purple light. Panic overtakes Matt quickly as he thrashes around wildly only to have this unknown force to tighten around him, preventing him from moving.
“Please calm down! I’m not going to hurt you!” yells the voice trying to calm Matt down in vain.
The stress from waking up in an unfamiliar area twice, getting his head smashed on a rock (which is swelling), and now being immobilized in the air by a freaking talking purple unicorn it too much for him to take. What pushes him over the edge though was a sudden barrage of computerized voices all screaming in his head at once.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG IS THIS A NEW EPISODE!! !WOOT! ! 1ST PERSON MLP FOOTBAL !YIS TWILIGHT SO ADORABLE? WHAT KIND OF LIVESTREAM IS THIS ? SEASON3 CAME EARLY!! OH GOD SPOILERS THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT TWLIGHT LOOKS DIFFERENT WHY HASN’T APPLEJACK SUNG YET!!!! JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN JOHN MADDEN
It doesn’t take long for Matt to pass out.
Author's Note
Welp, here's my 1st attempt at writing a fan-fic. Never thought I'd try this, but I also never thought I'd be watching a cartoon for little girls. Ain't life funny? I'll never win the jackpot lottery [crosses fingers]
Constructive criticism is welcomed. Thanks for reading!
Matt slowly regains consciousness as his headache and hangover greet him all over again. While he was asleep, his headache signed a contract to provide a constant level of pain while his hangover throbbed in time with Matt's heart rate. negotiations went apparently well. He’s just about to open his eyes when he realizes he’s in the middle of an ongoing conversation. After some wiggling, he notices that he is completely bound by what feels like more rope, and opts to keep his eyes closed so he can listen in on the discussion around him.
“…written a letter to the princess.”
“What do you suppose this fellow is Twilight?”
“I’m not sure, none of my books have any information of this creature. I can only assume that it's a male based on the tone of his voice when he was yelling.”
“D-did you have to tie him up so much?”
“The varmint already wiggled out of the last rope I tied around him. I’m not taking any chances.”
Not wanting to risk alerting everyone around him, he cracks his eyes open a sliver, just enough to look though his eyelashes. His capture was being honest about not taking any chances. The human was completely covered in rope from his shoulders all the way down to his feet. Even wiggling his toes was difficult. Needless to say, Matt’s heart rate starts to climb as he fights to put his half ass attempts at meditation to work and keep his breathing under control.
"Oh man oh man! What the hell have I gotten myself into? Why would they tie me up so much? There is no way I saw what I saw before I passed out again. I must have been...... Just breathe Matt…..Okay I must have had some really intense long lasting hallucinogenic drugs slipped in my drink or something. I must have been hallucinating on some dudes property and went crazy. They probably just tied me up for my own good until I came down. But then why wouldn't they call the cops?... Just breathe like you’re still asleep and listen to your captors. Maybe I’ll figure out what they plan to do with me."
“I understand why you want to be cautious, but this might make him even more stressed when he wakes up”
Yeah like I haven’t lost enough hair on my head already
“And that’s why our animal expert is here.”
“I don’t know how much help I’ll be Applejack”
“Don’t be silly. Your skill with animals is bound to come in handy.”
What do animal skills have to do with me being drugged? And what kind of a name is AppleJack? Was her mother an alcoholic or something?
“I’m glad you’re here too, he must be a long way from home. I’ve never seen anything panic so much from a levitation spell.”
Levitation Spell? That has to be some kind of j-
WHY IS THE SCREEN BLACK?!?!?!?!? I WANT TO SEE FLUTTERSHY!
OWW! Why is Steven Hawkins yelling at me?
“Did anypony see him cringe just now?”
“Y-you don’t think he was listening in on us do you?”
“If he is then somepony better open their eyes”
Matt reluctantly opens his eyes only to nearly bulge out of his head as he sees three creatures that seem to look like little horses with feminine features. The one in the middle was an orange mare with a yellow mane in a ponytail, and oddly wore a cowboy hat. She wore a look of skepticism and mistrust. To her left was a graceful, yet timid looking one with a light yellow coat and a wavering pink mane. This little horse was slightly trembling and looked away to moment his eyes locked into hers. If Matt weren’t bound and concerned for his well being he would have had the urge to pet the multicolored creature a offer it a carrot. The last one was the purple one Matt saw before he passed out. She stared at him in awe with intense curiosity.
“Alright this prank has gone on long enough” Mike says while forcing a strained chuckled, “Whoever is here is definitely a master a ventriloquism. Can the owner of these horses please come out so we can talk about this before I get hit in the head again?”
“Umm actually we’re ponies” says the yellow pony.
“Shut the fuck up” Matt blurts out dumbfounded.
The timid pony squeaks, and backs away while shivering in fear.
Matt is too shocked to feel sorry for the timid pony, and notices for the first time that the yellow pony has a wings tucked along her sides. “Are you a Pegasu-AAAAAAHHHH!”
AWWW FLUTTERSHY IS CRYING I WANNA HUG FLUTTERSHY FLUTTERSHY IS BEST PONY GAK GAK GAK GAK I HOPE THE JERK GIVES GER A HUG LATER KILL THIS PERSON WITH FIRE! GAK GAK GAK GAK
The barrage leaves as quickly as it came, and Matt looks up to see the three ponies looking down on him.
“Are you alright? You looked like Princess Luna whispering in your ear with her canterlot voice” asks the orange pony in a mildly concerned tone.
“Yeah I think the stress of this situation along with whatever drugs that are still in system are getting to me,” Matt explains. “I’m sorry for yelling at you Fluttershy”.
The other two ponies gasp in shock as Fluttershy shrinks away, “H-how do you know my name?”
“Have you been spying on us!?” Yells the orange pony.
Matt opens his mouth to start defending himself, but before words escape his lips a pink blur eclipses his vision, and shoves something in his mouth.
Oh god they’re gonna kill me!!!!
Author's Note
Thanks again for reading!
Please thumbs up and favorite.
Questions and not so subtle foreshadowing
Once Matt remembered that he can simply breathe through his nose, he realizes that whatever is in his mouth is actually quite tasty. “This is delicious! What is it?”
The new hyperactive pink pony gasps as if he sprouted a second head, “You’ve never had a cupcake? You poor thing have another!” A second cupcake is shoved into Matt’s mouth before he can protest.
Choking me with kindness. Jeez, Guantanamo Bay has got nothing on this pony.
“Pinkie stop! He’s disorientated enough as it is,” Twilight yells.
Matt finishes swallowing the barely chewed cupcake and manages to sit back up to look at slightly more sympathetic ponies creatures. The Pink one is just bouncing in place wearing a grin on her face and a platter of cupcakes on her back. He decides to try and calm down the pink pony before she shoves another cupcake in his mouth while he’s still tied up. How hard could that be? “I’ve actually had cupcakes before miss…?”
“Pinkie Pie!”
“Pinkie Pie, part of my shock was how good it was. It’s one of the best ones I’ve ever had. How did you make it?”
Pinkie Pie grin somehow grows even wider from that complement. “Oh it’s super duper easy! You should come over to Sugar Cube Corner and we can make some together!”
“Well I’m a little tied up at the moment,” says Matt, pausing to let Pinkie finish laughing at his joke, “but I’d love to make some with yoooooooUUUUAAAHHHHHHH!!”
IT”S A TRAP!!!! SHE’LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS, AND TURN YOU INTO CUPCAKES JUST LIKE RAINBOW DASH!
Matt almost, almost passes out again. That last blast was quick, but it was LOUD.
“I am not passing out more than Katniss in Mockingjay,” Matt groans to himself.
“Are you okay partner?”
“Yeah, I just keep hearing voices yelling in my head.”
“So that’s what my pinkie sense was telling me! I was just getting a scratchy forehead again, and I’ve never had one until this morning. What did the voice sound like?”
“It was… toneless like a comput- never mind,” Matt answers. At this point all the other ponies start looking nervous. Fluttershy looks a few steps away from being terrified. “I’m not crazy I swear!” blurts Matt, “Look, I just started hearing these screaming voices the moment I woke up here this morning, where ever I am.”
“You’re in Equestia. Specifically, Sweet Apple Ache just outside of Ponyville,” answers Twilight. “What did this voice say to you a moment ago?”
“uhh…”
Matt was already disturbing the ponies enough by being both an alien, and potentially crazy from hearing voices in his head that knew the names of ponies before they introduced themselves. Telling them that said voices were informing him that he was surrounded my murderers seemed a tad unwise. On the off chance that they were in fact killers, it would be best to not inform them that he knew. In the end, Matt only mentioned he heard the name Rainbow Dash and something about cupcakes.
Naming off a second pony that he shouldn’t know generated mixed reactions from his captors, but ultimately gave them reason to believe that Matt might be experiencing something similar to what they called ‘Pinkie Sense’. Matt had no idea what they were talking about, but was more than happy to let them draw their own conclusions that could lead to his release. Sure enough, AppleJack reluctantly released Matt from his over the top rope restraints.
“You know you could have just tied my wrists and ankles together instead of my entire body.”
“I’ll be sure to remember that if you steal any more of my apples,” Applejack replied sternly.
“I’d expect nothing less from you,” responded Matt with a mild smile. This prompted a eye rolling from Applejack, a giggle from Twilight and Pinkie Pie, and a meek smile from Fluttershy.
After promising to pay back Applejack with a favor after he gets his bearings, Matt Twilight, and Pinkie walk (in Pinkies case hop) towards town with the sun just starting to set into the horizon as Matt asks them questions about where he is, general facts about his surroundings, social norms, and anything other topics to avoid miscommunication on his part. Twilight seemed to be amazed with Matt’s ability to hold a conversation with her friend Pinkie Pie, completely unfazed with her lightning fast dialogue.
The walk would have actually been pleasant for Matt if the voices didn’t keep popping up making vulgarly sounding comments about Twilight and Pinkie’s plots, as well as something called “clopping”. What puzzled Matt the most was that whenever one of these comments arose in his head, a pinging noise would shortly follow, accompanied with comments (in different pitches) ranging from apologies to calling someone a “bucking troll”.
“So what do you ponies do for fun around here? Do you have sporting events, play games, read literature, any parties?”
OH BOY
Matt jumps sideways as Pinkie Pie gasps louder than his unwelcomed voices while somehow defying gravity staying the air longer than what should be possible. “Oh my gosh how could I have forgotten to throw you a welcome to ponyville party? GASP!! Wait, that’s not right! This is your first time in Equestria!! Not only that you’re the first human ever!! I’m gonna have to use every trick I know to make this the biggest party in history because this is history!!!”
Pinkie starts to speed off as she starts to blur when Matt yells for her to stop, resulting from the pinkie pony going from 60mph to 0 faster than you can crack a whip. “What’s wrong Matty?”
“Could you not throw me a party?” Pinkie face starts to form a frown as Matt quickly interjects, “I’m just nervous about my first impression with the rest of your town that is.”
“Don’t be silly Matty! Parties are the best way to make introductions and new friends!”
Matt deflated a bit after realizing he got himself cornered in an argument with no way out that didn’t involve upsetting a potential homicidal pony, “Could you at least wait until tomorrow before you throw me a party? Today has taken a lot out of me and I wouldn’t want your efforts go to waste because I was tired.”
“I understand Matty. This can work because it will give me more time to make the party even bigger,” and with that, the pink pony was off.
“You handled that very well,” approved Twilight, “It’s like you’ve known her all your life.”
“Oh, well I’ve studied psychology and a little sociology in college. I had to talk to a lot of… eccentric people for my studies. You could say that I’m used to personalities like hers. However, she could definitely stand to lay off of the caffeine.” While his statement was true, Matt omitted the fact that the voices in his head were making bets with themselves on how fast Pinkie Pie would throw a party for him, and if he would reject said party, and making her cry in the process. While annoying, it gave Matt a heads up, and enough time to think of a proper response for the pink sugar rush.
Unfortunately for Matt, mentioning that he was a college graduate (with a major in human psychology no less) gave Twilight her own sugar rush from the excitement of being able to talk with an alien colleague. Shortly afterwards Twilight was firing questions at him faster than the 10th Doctor can ramble. This continued for the rest of the walk, Twilight being completely oblivious to the fact that she was escorting an alien into town, prompting quite a few flabbergasted stare from other ponies in Matt’s direction. Matt even heard one pony cry out dramatically “The horror! The horror!” only to have the voices in his head celebrate claiming to call another line.
Eventually, the unlikely pair makes it back to Twilight’s home, a giant hollowed out tree. Matt comments out loud how the place smells like an oak tree to satisfy the barrage of questions from the voices. Matt flips out when a small purple dragon walking into the main room, only to be quickly shoved in the kitchen to cook dinner (to the curious humans dismay) by Twilight as she continues to grill Matt with questions for the next two hours.
After yawning for the fifth time (3 of which were forced in hopes that Twilight would take the hint) Matt insisted to be allowed to go to bed, only being able to do so after promising he would answer more of Twilight’s questions in the morning. After grabbing some blankets and pillows out of a closet, Matt finds himself in a room roughly the size of freshmen dorm room. The oaky was furnished with a simple wooden table, a small bureau, and a bed that was about two feet to short for him to sleep comfortably. Not even entertaining the idea of sleeping on a four foot long bed, he flips the bed frame to make space on the floor the mattress, blankets and pillows in hopes he’ll get some semblance of sleep.
However, Matt first sits down on the hardwood floor in a lotus position. He inhales deep enough for his lungs to hurt a little, counts to ten slowly, and exhales. After doing this four more times, Matt opens his with an unfocused glaze over them as he breathes slowly, and steadily.
“So… what do you all call yourselves?”
Author's Note
Hey everypony!
Sorry for taking so long with this latest chapter. These last few weeks have been pretty busy for me. Aside from the holidays, I traveled be with my brother while his wife gave birth the their 1st child, became his sons godfather, (a terrible move on my brothers end with me being an agnostic) and just got a job at Home Depot.
Writing this silly little story has been more fun than I expected, and I'm overall pleased with my gradual improvement as a writer so far. Thank you everyone who's taken the time to read this. Even more thanks to those who send delicious comments my way :p
However, the original purpose for writing this story has been to gain some much needed writing experience before I attempt to write a story that deserves the best I can throw at it. This idea has been rolling around in my head for around 5 years, and has been ponified for at least a year. Said story is going to be a dark 'what if' alternate world, where Celestia vanishes after defeating Nightmare Moon with the elements of harmony. In the aftermath of the battle, Celestia's followers record the stories of her victory and sacrifice that become the foundation of a religion with overzealous leaders and followers in present Equestrian time. The story will follow the mane 6 and my OC as they struggle to live in a society that tells them to look into a sun which can blind them and stay indoors at night or face execution on the spot.
I'm still working on world building as I keep writing Equestria Lifestream, but any suggestions or ideas are highly encourage as I try to make a story I would love to read, write, and share with others. Or heck, I'll even settle for some good old encouragement.
Good luck with the new year, and don't tackle everything on your new years resolution list at once.
