"Whoa there, Granny Smith, that was REALLY one hay of a good show! Ah think y'all can join a circus!"
Applejack clapped her hooves, and unknowingly, a sour-apple-pucker formed on her face while her pupils darted sideways. The elder mare simply bowed at a 180-degree angle, not bad for somepony who just had finished a ludicrous little jig with a ridiculously large and colorful wig.
"Now will y'all excuse me, Ah am very busy buckin' mah apples. They can't just fly up to the trees on their own, can they?"
Applejack trotted towards the orchard, only to discover that the rest of the Apple family had already gathered there, bucking apples and sending them up into the air and landing among the foliage.
She frowned, "Look guys, Ah know that y'all are always there by mah side buckin' apples for me whenever y'all can, especially on the day when Big Mac got hurt and had to stick to fancy mathematics in the middle of Applebuck Season."
Big MacIntosh popped out from the ground, panting and gave his his sister a big slobbery lick before literally going down-to-earth.
"But for now Ah do not need any help. Ah can finish buckin' all these apples all by mahself in one day, trust me."
Her eyes darted again as she continued, "So why don't cha go to have some fun instead? Ah mean, the barn is currently a great place to party, it's not that it's worn out and ramshackle, right guys? Y'all can blast Sapphire Shores at maximum volume and still get out alive and kickin', and Ah mean alive as in the feeling and kickin' as in the dancing."
Discussion rose among the crowd, and soon everypony was scrambling into the barn, ready for a party of their lifetime. Big MacIntosh, however, decided to dig a tunnel into the popcorn field so he could give a lick to the moon-trotting Granny Smith.
Applejack lied on a tree. The sun plummeted below the horizon and the moon took its place, just in time for the mare to take a nap. Ah am so working right now, she thought to herself. Yep, Ah'm definitely working.
Music began emanating from the barn. It was Sapphire Shores' latest hit --- the Jewel Song from "Faust".
AAAAAH My beauty past compare...
"Now that's some peace and quiet." said the mare sarcastically as an apple fell from the tree she's under, bouncing off her head.
"Aha, Ah knew that an idea don't just hit you randomly." Applejack exclaimed and turned towards the barn. "Now would somepony kindly turn that music louder? I can't a single note from here."
...these jewels bright I wear... Ma-a-aargarita... MERCY! MY JEWELS!
CRACK CLASH CRUMBLE
The mare lied down once more and smiled. A little moaning from the barn won't really bother her. She could finally have some well-deserved res-CRASH!
Applejack jolted up, "What now?!"
Her eyes bulged as she noticed huge fissures on the ground. Following them, she came across something, or more specifically, somepony in the epicenter of a crater --- a little buck-toothed colt.
"Hi, Miss Applejack, Featherweight reporting for duty. Geddit? Because I'm a reporter! Isn't that right, Snowflake?"
A humongous block of muscle landed oh so tenderly beside the little colt, flexed both arms and let out the cutest little "yeeeeaaaaaahhhhh!" Applejack had ever heard. None but only Fluttershy's "yay" can match against his squeak of delight.
"I take pictures and interview ponies, while he takes down notes. Aren't we a perfect reporting team?" Featherweight went on.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" answered Snowflake.
"Is Snowflake hunky?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"
"Does he have the teeniest tiniest wings possible for a pegasus?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"
"Does he have a deep, sexy, stallionly voice?"
"Erm... Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh?"
"Is he on stero-"
"Alright, sugarcube, what is it y'all want?" Applejack finally had a chance to pipe in.
"Oh, I almost forgot. We are currently searching for the latest gossip for my school's newspaper, and my friend Snowflake here is helping me out."
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaa-"
"Thank you Snowy, but that's enough." the colt cut in. "Anyway, do you know anything interesting which can be featured in our paper? We could totally use some information from such an honest pony like you! The Foal Free Press will soon be the most reputable and trusted newspaper in the whole of Equestria!"
Applejack's face lit up, and so did the surrounding as the sun rose again, "Of course it will be. Ah know lots of stuff which other ponyfolks don't. And moreover, they're all true!" Her eyes darted.
Featherweight couldn't hide his excitement, "Oh boy, I sense huge scoops incoming! Tell us everything, will ya?"
"Absolutely, sugarcube, now here it goes. Do you know that Scootaloo, a friend of mah sister," her talking turned to whispering all of a sudden, "is actually a... chicken?"
"I don't think so," the colt said, "she's the bravest filly I ever know!"
"No, sugarcube, I mean a real chicken, like the ones Fluttershy kept."
Featherweight drew in what it seemed like a metric ton of air. "She is?!"
"Ya think Ah'm lying?" Applejack asked back.
"Oh no no no! I just... can't take all of that so quickly. It's too... out of the blue! All these years, being her classmate, being her friend, staring at her cute little wing- I mean I'm at the back of the class, it's impossible to look at the blackboard without accidentally taking slight glances of somepony's wings which are like... right in front of me, right? Just go on, please?" Featherweight then swallowed what it seemed like a gallon of saliva.
Applejack rolled her eyes and continued, "Ya know that a chicken comes from an egg, sugarcube?"
The little colt nodded.
"Well, Ah just found out that Twilight is an egghead. Ya know what that means? Twilight is Scootaloo's mother! And that's not just it. As Twilight only has her head being an egg, so this proves that Scoot comes from her head, and this means Scootaloo is a figment of Twilight's imagination! Her powerful magic is making everypony think that the little filly is real!"
Featherweight sat there, eyes wide open, mouth agape. There was an awkward silence between the colt and the mare, only to be broken by the scratching of Snowflake's pencil against his notepad.
The colt finally came back to his senses, "This is surprising, but I won't let such differences stand in our way! Chicken or not, figment of imagination or not, they can't force me to hide my true feelings. If even Spike the dragon is able to like Miss Rarity, I can't see why I am unable to like a chicken, or a figment of imagination, or whoever or whatever she is."
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"
"Thank you, Snowy."
"Now you've got me sweating through mah eyes." Applejack sniffed. "Yep, those are absolutely sweat. Shall we go on?"
Feather weight nodded, determination in his eyes.
“Alright, sugarcube, time for more truths... in a SONG! Yep, Ah just love singin’. Do ya know that Ah sang the most among my friends?”
Music played. Wait, where did that music even come from?
Oh, Foal Free Press (sung to the tune of Oh Susanna)
I come from Apple Acres with absolute honesty
And Ah am goin’ to tell ya that Spike hates Rarity
She treated him like pincushions, the dreaded slavery
And that mare’s just plain marshmallows dressed up like a pony
Oh Foal Free Press, oh Ah ain’t half lying
Mah friends were sittin’ on their rumps while Ah do the fightin’”
“Wait, Miss Applejack. Who are you fighting?” Featherweight interrupted, with that random music still playing.
“Discord, of course, and can ya believe that none of my friends even lifted a hoof to help me? Now let’s get back to the song.”
What Ah am tellin’ ya about are all truths and no lies
This mornin’ Ah just found out that Spike’s Rainbow in disguise
Beneath Fluttershy’s yellow hull is magic tree spirit
And save the fourth wall of ya house, don’t let Pinkie in it
Oh, Foal Free Press, oh Ah ain’t half lying
If ya’ll teeth are too dirty, use Colgate’s mane for cleanin’
That Lyra have camouflaged hands, she ain’t got any hooves
Time Turner loves his strange blue box, we call him Doctor Whooves
And Why Ditzy’s no longer in that moving company?
It’s not like she dropped furniture on some purple pony
Oh, Foal Free Press, oh Ah ain’t half lying
And Sweetie Belle is a dictionary which is livin’
Oh horseapples, Ah knew that Ah should be more wary of Apple Bloom's social life. But that's it folks, all of Ponyville residents' secrets revealed!"
Applejack ended with a grin on her face, but wondered why her eye muscles were so darn sore.
Eventually, Snowflake finished his scribbling.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"
"Thank you for your time, Miss Applejack, for all your Ponyville's confidential materials. You've never failed to surprise me, but it's still great to know more, especially about Scootaloo's secret identity."
"Anytime, sugarcube, anytime." the mare replied.
"Thanks again, now I better get going soon, I still have work to do." Featherweight then turned to Snowflake, taking the notepad from him, "Good job, Snowy, your job's all complete. What are your plans now?"
"Oh," the gargantuan pegasus shrilled, "I don't want to stay single, I want to get married and let my mane flow in the wind as I fly through the glen, shouting 'yeeaahhs' into the sunset."
...
"Okay Snowy, let us simply just, well, fly through the glen and into the sunset." said Featherweight as he flew off with Snowflake into the sunset which lasted for a mere half-a-second.
Applejack, after finished her song, realised that she was in a ten-hooves deep, orange-syrup-oozing crater.
“Hey Featherweight,” shouted the mare, “ya have to pay for the damage to mah farm. And my barn too. Ya know that ya’ll the ones who did it and Ah hate lying, right?”
The duo was already far away out of earshot. Applejack groaned and walked off, back to her house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Applejack sat down and began to munch on her apple cores, in went the cores and out came apples whole. She vented her frustration on her friends' earlier shenanigans to a tap-dancing Granny Smith, "... and so I tried to defeat Discord, but none of my so-called "friends" would lift a hoof to help me."
She didn't notice a lavender unicorn who was coming her way, armed with her horn and a memory spell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro
I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fluttershy gasped in shock.
"Sweet Celestia, there's something on your face!" the pegasus exclaimed as she delivered a hoof slap to Bon-Bon's cheek. "It is pain!"
Fluttershy flew away, giggling as she left the dazed mare on the ground.
"Ha, these losers are so easy to get owned. What should I do next? Perhaps dumping a pail of dirty slops onto somepony's face? No, I did that to Equestria's number one egghead. What about "accidentally" breaking somepony's belongings? Nay, a weirdo's lyre had suffered enough. Letting out my good little Angel and his bunny army into Dweeb Apple Acres would be nice, but those gluttons had waaaaay too much carrots on the other farm. Urgh, oh where, oh where can I find a more satisfactory target? Ponyville is simply too small for anyone worthy of my victimisa-EEEP!"
The yellow pegasus dodged just in time higher up into the air before a wave of ballet buffaloes came stampeding by, their horns missing her by an inch.
"Oh you stupid cows, dare to mess with Fluttershy huh? Think that I'm not assertive enough? I'll show you! " Fluttershy threatened through her gritted teeth, clapping her hooves together.
"Bison? Bye son."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"All right my little ponies, it's lesson time!" Cherilee sang.
The whole class groaned. Why should there still be school when Discord was rampaging out there?
"And now it's over," deadpanned the schoolteacher as she took a swig of hard cider and slammed the mug onto Diamond Tiara's table. "ring ring ring, heard the bell? Now off you go, little chaps."
The class cheered and emptied the classroom in a flash, leaving several overturned tables and flying worksheets. Meh, who needs homework when you can just go out and play?
Cherilee left as well, now gulping down a bottle of appletini. The school was rather quiet as all the colts and fillies had gone, but she swore that she heard something which happened to sound like "cutie mark crusaders harbingers of doom yay!"
The mare ignored it. Who cares about some little fillies playing some foalish games? Not Cherilee.
As she continued on her way home, she reached the town plaza and saw a sight to behold. A yellow pegasus, normally known for her timidity and shyness, was annihilating a whole platoon of brawny bisons in tu-tu. The heap of battle-scarred, blacked out bulls gradually increased in size under the fury of Fluttershy’s martial arts.
Left hook, right hook, spinning kick, grab, choke, overhead toss, tail whip, the lot. With one final uppercut, the last buffalo was launched into the air and landed on the tip of the pile of his defeated comrades. Fluttershy sneered and turned around, as if nothing had happened. Yes, nopony messes with Fluttershy and gets away with it. Those bovine idiots are the perfect example.
“What are you looking at?” Fluttershy questioned when she realised Cherilee was staring at her. “What? Cat got your tongue? Too afraid of me to talk? Well, you should be.”
Cherilee was a little taken aback by her sudden change in target, but she quickly came back to her senses, “Ha, afraid? Nopony is afraid of an animal-kissing tree-hugger like you. Who do you think you are?”
“And who do you think you are? Why don't you just go back to your kindergarten, show your foals some tender loving care and change their diapers. I bet they are crying their heads off ’cause their irresponsible so-called teacher is out here all drunk and woozy.”
“Hey, I'm not drunk. And by the way, the applejack I’m having now is goooooooooooood!”
“Ooh, how romantic. Please accept my hearty congratulation for this... one of a kind relationship.”
“Shut up, I meant my drink, dunce. And you, what about your one-of-a-kind absorption into overprotecting your puny pets? I bet you’ll put a bird nest on your head to teach your pampered eggs what it feels like to be on a tree. Oops, I forgot that you've already did. Totally French haute couture.”
Cherilee really had messed with Fluttershy’s fuse. Steam billowed out of the yellow mare’s ears as she menacingly retorted, “I would sew up your bickering mouth with a traditional blanket stitch, but I guess yours need a satin stitch to keep it shut!"
“Oh my Celestia! I’m so scared that I have Fluttershys in my stomach... but I won't mind another.” The purple mare licked her lips.
Fluttershy had enough. She roared as she charged towards Cherilee, leaped with hooves out front, pinning the earth pony to the ground. Cherilee retaliated with a buck to the pegasus’ stomach and threw the assailant off, got back on her hooves as fast as possible and pounced onto Fluttershy. Soon, a wild cat-fight commenced, and lasted for an entire Discordian night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sun rose, and so did the two mares, huffing and puffing as they got up.
“Well played, pegasus,” Cherilee wheezed, “but that's only... because I am not ready. I’m sure I can... finish you off easily by the time... I got prepared. In fact, so easy that even my students can beat you up, feeble flyer.”
“Oh yeah?” Fluttershy snapped, “And I’m sure that my ’puny’... ’overprotected’ animals can defeat you... in a blink of an eye. You and your foals... are NO MATCH for my bunny army!”
“So... it’s war?”
“It is.”
“An hour later, same location. Try your best not to to flee in fear.”
“It is you who shall flee in fear by the time I pulverised your namby-pamby foalish army.”
The two mares turned and walked away from each other with a humph, but smirking as they think of how the other would have been like after the battle ahead has ended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Critter Battalion, action stations! General Fluttershy here demands your wit and guts to fight to the death against our foe, Captain Cherilee. It’s a red alert situation!” Fluttershy yelled as soon as she returned to her tree-house headquarters.
“Major Angel, you lead Long-legged Lagomorpha Company and act as the vanguard. Lieutenant Squirrely, provide air support with your Flying Rodent Squad, while you, my favourite,” the pegasus turned towards a sleek, distinguished raptor with flaming feathers of grey, “Colonel Philomena, I believe you can take out at least half of our enemy forces with your fiery Kamikaze bombardment, all by yourself.”
Fluttershy winked while the bird gave a squawk of honour.
“Good, the rest of you shall follow me and fight by my side. Mama’s proud of all of you. Now off we go to the plaza, [size=20and unleash our inner beast upon that babysitter!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, Cherilee is busily gathering her own forces of destruction.
“Tiara-obsessed foal, get out of your filthy rich mansion and bring your silver minion along!” “Snips and snails, you two come with me! No questions!” “Featherweight? Now, where have that little guy been?" "Alula..." "Archer..." "Cyan Skies..." "Cotton Cloudy..." "Out out out! All the colts and fillies!"
“Now where’re those three fillies of terror when I need them? We could use their doomsday devise to our advantage.”
Cherilee was about to keep looking for the fillies when she absent-mindedly glanced towards the clock. She cursed and quickly began her short but powerful lecture.
“Atteeeeeeeeennn-SHUN!” The colts and fillies stood straight with one simultaneous thud.
“It’s about time, kids. We shall have our vengeance soon, but don't ask about what it is, it’s none of your business. Just listen. Our tactic is to travel to the town plaza via the soap roads and get there before the enemy. Don’t ask who our enemy is, it’s none of your concern too. Then, we wait for those turtles to show up. Is that clear? Good, ’cause you shall have great honour fighting alongside your leader and mentor. We’ll teach that zookeeper a lesson she’ll never forget! Cherilee’s Youths shall triumph!”
“All hail Cherilee!” the class saluted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“At the plaza, at the plaza, where a holocaust shall be! We’ll wipe out all non-ponies with the wrath of Cherilee!” the purple mare sang, her Youths sliding on the road right behind.
“Oh, lookie here. What an adorable nursery rhyme,” said a yellow pegasus as Cherilee’s Youth reached the plaza.
“What?! How did you get here so fast?”
“We flew...” Fluttershy teased with her out-stretched wings. “And oh, here comes my foot soldiers. Talk about vanguard being the back-up instead. But forget that, as now we shall fight, slowpoke!”
“With pleasure, feather-brain.”
Cherilee made the first move as she pointed her hoof towards her adversary and ordered, “I choose you, Diamond Tiara. Now use Taunt!”
The pink tiara-wielding filly stepped out, one hoof in front of another. She opened her mouth and insulted the enemy leader with all her might, “What ’cha doing, BLANK FLANK?”
Cherilee facehoofed.
“What in the whole wide world of Equestria was that?” Fluttershy mocked with a chuckle, “Are you blind, my little foal? I’m NOT a blank flank and my Grandma can taunt better than you, and she’s not even alive!”
“Diamond Tiara!” barked Cherilee, “Try another!”
“Wanna go to my cute-ceañera party, BLANK FLANK?”
The purple mare facehoofed again. “Stop using the term ’blank flank’, you dunderhead!”
“Erm,” the filly became unsure, but then her eyes lit up just as fast, “Hey look, I have a cutie mark. You jealous?”
A noticeable dent appeared on Cherilee’s nose. She pulled her face down as she groaned in frustration. Fluttershy simply snickered.
“That’s all you and your foals can do? Well, it’s my turn now. Aerial assault, Lieutenant Squirrely!”
With a command, the squirrel and its highly-trained rodent pilots whizzed through the air and towards the enemy. Some crashed directly into the face of the opponent, knocking both of them unconscious due to heavy impact. Cherilee dodged skilfully as one zipped past her ear. The rodents who flew past the ponies pulled up, did an U-turn and were back. However, their targets were ready.
As the rodents dived, Cherilee’s Youths ducked. Squirrely and its men missed them completely while heading straight towards Fluttershy.
“Argh, friendly fir-” choked the pegasus. She spitted Lieutenant Squirrely out of her mouth and added, “You’re sooooooooo demoted. You’re now officially Simpleton Squirrely!”
“How’s that for a taste of your own medicine, dimwit?” said Cherilee.
“But at least I do not have to visit the hospital like you’re going be. Major Angel, full frontal attack!”
“Take no prisoners, my little ponies. Charge!”
The two teams merged into one huge cloud of dust. This is chaos at its finest, just the way a particular draconnequis likes it. The two forces fought with all they have, as they knew that there was only going to be one winner.
Fluttershy’s army seemed to take on an edge as they cornered Cherilee’s remaining forces.
“Now to finish this once and for all!” bellowed the pegasus. “PHILOMENA!”
The Discorded phoenix who was once perched on Fluttershy’s shoulder took to the sky. The bird reached a certain height and dived straight down, aiming towards the purple mare. Some of her Youths covered their eyes, while others stared in disbelief as they waited to meet their untimely demise. Cherilee, however, was unfazed.
“You know what to do,” she whispered to a filly with candy canes as a cutie mark nearby. The filly nodded and faced her rump towards the sky. Next, she swung her tail at full force.
The winds grew stronger, and soon it was a spinning column of red and white. Cherilee was pleased. Her mane and tail were frazzled by the tempest. She felt young again, just like when she was a teenager, when everypony had the same radical mane-style.
“Twist has evolved into Twister! Embrace the power of her posterior!”
Philomena, despite the speedy descent, was thrusted out of its course of flight and catapulted into the sky, creating a perfect trajectory of grey, right into Canterlot Palace.
Now it’s Fluttershy’s turn to panic, pushing her long pink mane away from her eyes, “How’s that even possible?! I’m not expecting this change of events.”
“That’s exactly what it does,” said Cherilee, “for you are now facing a plot-Twist! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!”
The purple mare laughed some more as the pegasus’ wings caught the draft and was propelled into the air, hurling towards the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy did one final threaten as she turned into a tiny dot and vanished.
“I’LL BE BACK!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fluttershy crashed through her window. She had returned, but beaten and humiliated. How can a bunch of foals be able to defeat her legendary Critter Battalion?
“I shall never give up,” Fluttershy spoke as soon as she found the strength to do so. “I shall recruit another batch of soldiers. I shall- EEEEP”
The pegasus fell to the ground again, landing on her back. She found herself hogtied, and a particular orange cowpony with an end of the rope in her mouth. She looked up and saw another pony, this time an unicorn, approaching.
Her horn glowed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro
I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
