My Little Insano: Madness is Magic

by LDSocrates

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 67845

[Cancelled] Doctor Insano tries his hand at conquering Equestria, since Earth is proving a bit of a problem. Will the mad scientist learn the magic of friendship? No. No, he will not.

The great and terrible Doctor Insano is, quite frankly, tired of living in the basement of The Goddamn Avatar, aka The Spoony One. So, using his vast amounts of knowledge in science, he boots up his old interplanetary portal to find a new world to conquer since his conquest of Earth isn't going so well. Luck of the draw has it that said new world is Equestria. In this world of technicolor horses, ancient evils, and lots and lots of lesbians, will the mad scientist learn the magic of friendship?

No. No, he will not.

Featured on the front page multiple times; hell yes!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-06 18:30:14 UTC

Unto the Breach

“Okay, need to narrow down the search. Definitely want it orbiting a yellow dwarf star with carbon-based life, Earth-standard temperatures, plenty of water, an oxygen-rich atmosphere and 1g of gravitational force with a twenty percent margin of error. Otherwise I’ll be spending more time accounting for the planet’s environment than I will be worrying about the inhabitants.” He hummed to himself as he looked at the other options. “Sentient life is a definite, though I want the technology level to be pre-industrial… no, no, not pre-industrial. Otherwise I’ll have to teach some of my slaves the very concept of machinery, which would be like teaching a bullfrog to sing. Better make it pre-atomic so I’ll just have to convert the local infrastructure to fuel my armies instead of build it from the ground up. Presence of magic… won’t have to worry about that since I have my anti-magic field generator.” He manically giggled to himself. “Now come on, baby, do daddy proud.” He heard a sickeningly cute sound off to the side. “No, not you, Junior, daddy’s talking to his machines again.”

He clapped his hands together with a wide smile as he observed the results. “I think I’ve found just the place!” His fingers flew across the console, pressing various buttons and flipping switches faster than the normal eye could see. “Odd… this planet isn’t orbiting around its sun; the sun is orbiting around it.” He shrugged and giggled. “Oh well; conquerors can’t be choosers! Besides, once I establish my empire, I can take all the time I need to figure out how the fuck those celestial mechanics work!”

He snickered as he laid his hands on the final switch. “Look out, new world, here comes Doctor Insano!” He cackled with pure glee as he flipped the switch. The door-sized portal next to him sprang to life and charged up as the lights flickered in a most ominous fashion.

“Insano, what the fuck are you doing?!”

The mad scientist groaned as he shouted back up the stairs, “I’m having a villainous moment, Noah! A villainous moment that you just ruined! Are you happy now?”

“No, I’m not happy, because your fucking around with the city’s power grid just reset Final Fantasy Thirteen! You made me lose a half hour of progress, and any extra second I have to capture footage for this piece of shit is another second I might gouge my eyes out!” his roommate shouted back.

“Your pain is in the name of science, so suck it up, jackass!” Insano shot back.

“Just what in the hell are you doing down there anyway?” The rapid thumping of feet coming down the stairs made Insano roll his eyes behind his goggles. “Wait, you’re not seriously planning on using that old thing again, are you?”

The scientist rounded on Noah Antwiler, The Spoony One, and his technical landlord. “No, I just booted up my machine that can tear through the very fabric of space like tissue paper because I like looking at the pretty lights. Of course I plan on using it, you fool!”

Noah rubbed his temples and closed his eyes. “Insano, the last time you used this thing to go conquer another world, you ended up on a planet where the most advanced life form was shrimp, and there was a fuckton of shrimp.”

“Yes, and I built several automated shrimping facilities to fund my scientific endeavors. What’s your point?” Insano asked.

“My point is that this shit hasn’t worked before and it’s not gonna work now,” Noah spelled out as if he were trying to explain to a child why it was not, in fact, a good idea to eat paste.

“Ah, but you see, Spoony, that is where you’re wrong,” Insano said proudly. “I refined my scanning array to be able to not only pick up if a planet harbors sentient life, but also their level of technology!”

Noah just stared for a few seconds the same way he would to a man who just admitted he liked the taste of shoes. “How in the neon green fuck can you scan for sentient life, let alone their fucking technology?”

“With SCIENCE!”

“Of course,” Noah sighed, burying his face in his hand. “Look, Insano, you’re already wanted in all fifty states-”

“I’m the rightful president, dammit! I won that 2008 election in a landslide! They had no right to impeach their new overlord over such scruples as basic human rights!” Insano interjected.

“-Canada and Australia-”

“I just threatened to do a little terraforming and attach them to each other; it’s not like anybody gives a fuck what they think anyway,” Insano brushed off.

“-the Vatican-”

“So what if I stole a bit of the Pope’s DNA to check if he was human? Everyone else was wondering the same thing.”

“-Iceland-”

“I told those fools my volcanic eruption triggering mechanism would work; I just decided to give them a live demonstration!”

“-Russia-”

“I raided a few of their old Soviet nuclear missile silos for uranium; whoop-de-fucking-do. It’s not like they were using it.”

“-China-”

“Hey, when you set up something called the ‘Great Firewall,’ you’re just begging for someone like me to steal all your top secret files.”

“-Japan-”

“I just wanted to test out Neutro’s upgrades! I figured the Japanese military would be the best to test them out on.”

“-and Molossia.”

“Hey, you’re wanted there too, idiot,” Insano spat.

“That’s not the point,” Noah said, holding up a hand as if it were a shield against all bullshit. “The point is that I’m already harboring a known criminal in a fuckton of countries. The last thing I need is for you to get a bunch of goddamn aliens barging down my door, too. I have enough shit on my plate dealing with the Guardian and figuring out what the hell Sephiroth’s endgame is.”

“Noah, who here is the evil genius with a master’s degree in every scientific field and technology decades ahead of the curb?” Insano asked.

“You are,” Noah answered, cocking an eyebrow.

“And who here is the once-exalted Avatar who’s now stuck on this pathetic planet, pining for the glory days of when he used to tromp around Britannia fighting evil, but now has to settle for waiting for his inner demons to show up in the house he shares with his younger brother because he can’t get a real job?” Insano followed up.

Noah’s eyes narrowed. “That’s a low blow.”

“But one that got my point across, did it not?” Insano asked with a smile. “I’ll handle the aliens, you hold down the fort against whatever timeless evil or Final Fantasy protagonist pierces the veil and kicks down our door next. Meanwhile, I have a world to conquer and enslave.”

Noah opened his mouth to reply, but instead threw up his hands and shook his head. “Fuck it, there’s no reasoning with you. Good luck with that empire building.” He turned around and trudged back up the stairs, each step accented with a rough stomp. “And be sure to conquer some lobster this time; I’m sick to fucking death of shrimp!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, you cretin,” Insano mumbled under his breath as he turned his attention back to his work. “Now that I have a target in mind, it’s time to run a system’s diagnostic.” He giggled softly as he approached the wall that housed his armory.

“Cybernetic implants are all functioning,” he muttered as information scrolled through his field of vision on the inside of his goggles.

“Finger mounted electricity casters?” He grinned as lightning arced across his fingertips. “Check.”

“Hydraulic strength-boosting gauntlets?” He pulled the high-tech gloves on and flexed his fingers. “Check.”

“Rocket boots?” He clicked his heels together, causing him to hover off the ground for a few seconds before he mentally willed them to shut off. “Check.”

“Anti-magic field generator?” He pulled the small device from his armory and activated it. It bloomed like a metal flower and began hovering behind him, ready to obey his commands. “Check.”

“Gaydar?” He looked over the inert device, freshly repaired from the last time it was overloaded by that blasted French stereotype. “Check.”

“Harmonic resonance anti-fortification oscillator?” He reached in his armory and pulled out a wallet-sized device with claws to attach to the side of a building and a miniature jackhammer sticking out. “Check.”

“And last but not least, the directed energy death dispenser!” He giggled madly as he hefted the rifle up and slung it over his shoulder. He then activated his goggles and looked over all of his equipment in turn. All of his devices disassembled themselves and were reduced to wireframes before vanishing into his storage pocket dimension. “That should be everything…”

Yet again a sickeningly adorable sound came from behind him. He turned around to see a pink sphere with tendrils hop across the table over to him and look up at him with its far too cute eyes.

“Sorry, Junior, but daddy is off to subjugate and enslave an alien species,” the scientist cooed, stroking his son. “You be a good boy and stay out of trouble until daddy is back to wreak horrible vengeance against all that wrong you, okay?” Junior purred and nodded. “Good boy.” He patted his son on the head and walked over to the portal. “And also, if Noah’s infernal dog uses you as a chew toy again, remind me to have her destroyed, understood?” Junior let out a little chirrup of agreement.

The portal before him swirled and distorted with color, obscuring the exact nature of his destination. “Any sane man would turn back in the light of such little information on this new world,” the doctor mused to himself as he gazed into the vortex. A wicked grin crossed his lips as he giggled, “Unluckily for whoever’s on the other side, sanity fled me a long time ago, and the bitch didn’t even leave me her number.”

With that, he barged inside with a mad cackle, ready to take on whatever the universe threw at him.

Twilight softly hummed to herself as she set up her telescope on the balcony of her house. It was a bright, clear Saturday night in the middle of spring, just perfect for her to partake in her favorite pastime: to gaze upon the majesty of Luna’s artwork without anypony to twist that statement into something gay.

Which she wasn’t, of course. She was as straight as an arrow. So straight she could be the spine of a book, in fact. A book whose pages were filled with professions about how much she completely loved stallions and never thought about Celestia’s, Luna’s, or any other mare’s well-toned plot. Ever. Not even once.

The blush on Twilight’s face and the sweat on her brow convinced her to jump that train of thought as if the tracks went off the edge of a cliff into a gorge full of perfectly heterosexual phallic rocks at the bottom.

She took a few minutes to fiddle with her equipment and get ready for the main event. Before she could get to fully appreciating Luna’s moon – not the one attached to her hips, no, that’d just be absurd – she heard a loud crash in the distance.

Her head whipped around to see a pillar of smoke arising from the Everfree Forest and flocks of birds fleeing from the site in fear. She could see the lights from various bedrooms flick on all over town. Confused and questioning murmurs filtered into the streets as the sleepy village of Ponyville awoke, for once almost drowning out the din of Lyra and Bon Bon across the street, who were too busy giving all their bucks to each other to spare one for the enormous explosion nearby.

Twilight’s first impulse was to gallop off in the direction of the explosion to investigate by herself, but she shook her head. “All alone in the Everfree Forest at night equals monumentally stupid idea,” she muttered to herself. “Have to gather supplies and get the girls first.” The young unicorn rushed into her room to do just that, somewhere in the back of her head wondering if a normal day in Ponyville was even possible.

Doctor Insano groaned and shook his aching head as the smell of smoke filled his nostrils. He would be gagging if he weren’t so used to the odor from years of chemistry mishaps that were in no way his fault. “I really need to figure out a way to fix the arrival,” he grumbled. “A person sized rip in the fabric of space shouldn’t always result in combustion.”

He got up on his knees and surveyed his surroundings. He appeared to be in the middle of a small crater that was itself in the middle of a temperate forest in the dead of night. He mentally turned on the night vision setting of his goggles to get a better look. “Trees appear to be mostly of the Quercus genus,” he mumbled to himself. “I also spy with my little eye some Cyanocitta cristata and Sciurus carolinensis. The latter should be useful should I ever decide to recycle my suicide squirrel bomber idea, at least.” He paused and growled, “Wait, how the hell am I recognizing native species? This is supposed to be an alien planet!” He groaned as he rose to his feet. “I better not be still on Earth, or so help me I’ll–”

He was cut off when he suddenly lost balance and fell backward on his rear. “Ow, what in the hell? I didn’t think I was that dizzy!” He looked down and his cybernetically enhanced heart would have stopped if he hadn’t fixed that possibility. What met his gaze wasn’t a pair of shoes and a pair of pale Caucasian hands. In their stead was a quartet of completely blunt appendages covered in white fur that ended in what appeared to be hooves. He reflexively looked down over his shoulder to see a neon green tail flowing out of the back of his trademark lab coat. He clapped his newly handless arms over his head and felt a long, flowing head of hair as well as some sort of pointed bone jutting out of his skull. Taking in a deep breath in an attempt to steady himself, he let loose his thoughts for all to hear:

“What in the name of Schrodinger’s pussy happened to me?!”

A Fateful Meeting (They Will All Regret)

“Now now, Insano, don’t panic,” the scientist said to himself as he paced back and forth. “Panicking is what fools do, and Doctor Insano is no fool. I just… somehow, someway got turned into a unicorn, that’s all.” He paused and muttered, “Dear lord, those words just came out of my mouth.”

He shook his head vigorously. “That’s beside the point. All of my cybernetic enhancements appear to be intact, though how the fuck I’ll use my finger mounted electricity casters without any goddamn fingers is a mystery. Just need to find my way to some sort of civilization and sort this out, and hopefully find a way to turn back into my old, devilishly handsome self. If I can’t do that, I’ll need to refit all my equipment before I can use it. Until then, I’ll just rely on my trusty goggles.”

He cycled through his inventory until he found the piece of stored equipment he wanted. A wireframe of his gaydar appeared in front of him before all the wires and casings appeared and filled out the schematic. After a few seconds, the finished product laid on the ground at this feet – er, hooves.

“Just need to use this to find somebody,” he said, carefully picking it up with his hooves and pressing the buttons with his nose. “Where there are gay people, there is civilization.”

It only took a few seconds for the gaydar to go absolutely haywire, beeping wildly in his hands. “Holy fuck, I’ve struck a goldmine!” he exclaimed as he turned in the direction his gaydar was picking up signals. “Huge heaps of homo to the northwest! Must be a gay neighborhood like Castro in San Francisco.”

He returned his gaydar to storage and brought out the anti-magic field generator, just as some extra insurance. The metal satellite floated above him as he finally climbed out of the crater he arrived in and trotted in the direction his gaydar bade him. The chatter of the forest filled his ears, and he could have sworn that they were gathering to watch him. But that was just a ludicrous idea. Most animals were not intelligent enough to exhibit curiosity, and certainly not small woodland creatures. He shook his head in contempt of the cute furry things as he trudged deeper into the forest.

“Does this forest ever fucking end?!” Insano screamed at the top of his lungs several hours later. “This place is darker than a reality show host’s twisted, blackened heart and as infinite as Noah’s hatred of that stupid fucking Final Fantasy series!”

He snarled as the only response he got was birds flying away in surprise and the chattering of the forest wildlife. It was indeed dark, but the night vision capabilities of his goggles compensated for that. It was a long walk, which was irritating, but not too bad. What truly irritated him was that he was stuck with walking on four limbs instead of two and it was awkward as hell to grow accustomed to.

“If I find out who did this to me, I’ll pump acid into their veins so they dissolve from the inside out,” he spat as he summoned up his gaydar once more. “Am I even going in the right fucking direction?” He checked the device to see that, indeed, he was still on the right path – though something else it was picking up caught his eye. “Six beings giving off readings are nearby… not that far from here, either, if this thing can pick them out individually.” He smiled and giggled to himself. “I may not have to look that far for civilization after all!”

Just as Insano was packing up his gaydar and returning it to storage, he heard a growl to his right. He snapped his gaze in the direction of the noise and saw several pairs of glowing yellow eyes staring back at him. Thanks to his night vision, he could clearly see that they were wolves of some sort. Their defining characteristic was that instead of fur, flesh and bone, they appeared to be made out of wood.

“Now this just makes no goddamn sense.” Insano paused and deadpanned, “Said the unicorn in the lab coat.” He scrambled back onto his hooves as he turned to face them. “Very interesting, though; I’m definitely not on Earth, that’s for sure. Now, what to use?” He heard another growl to his left, and a quick glance told him that more were in that direction. He concluded that he was more than likely surrounded. “They probably don’t possess enough higher brain functions to be affected by my hypno vision. Heat vision might set them ablaze and burn the forest down, ignoring the fact that it would damage the corpse far too much to properly study.” He manically giggled and grinned as the wolves began to step forward, closing the circle around him. “Death ray vision it is, then!”

The first wolf lunged right for his throat.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted, rounding on the party pony. “Do you see a big smoking crater anywhere nearby?”

Pinkie looked around, her smile as indestructible as ever. “Can’t say that I do!”

“Then no, we are not there yet,” Twilight half said, half snarled as she turned back around and stomped off ahead of the group once more, her glowing horn lighting the way through the darkness. Brief contemplations of causing grievous harm flashed through her mind, and the main reason she didn’t act on them was because of Pinkie’s nice… cakes. Yeah, that was it. It was her great baked goods that made her mouth water in a non-sexual way that held Twilight back. Nothing else. She certainly wasn’t taking the lead so that she wouldn’t stare at her other friend’s… cakes. If she ignored the fact that none of the other girls made cake and that there was no cake in the immediate vicinity, that rationalization made perfect sense to Twilight if she didn’t think about it at all.

“Um, Twilight, maybe we should turn back,” Fluttershy suggested, trotting up behind the unicorn and snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Yes, darling, couldn’t this have waited until sunrise?” Rarity asked with a yawn. “Some ponies were already pulling an all-nighter with their day jobs.”

“And some of us only have a few hours left until we’re supposed ta wake up for work,” Applejack agreed, yawning herself.

“I don’t know what you’re all complaining about,” Rainbow Dash dismissed as she hovered a few feet above them. “I’m wide awake.”

“I wonder if that’s because you take four naps a day, or because you drink so much coffee that I’m certain your heart pumps that instead of blood,” Rarity deadpanned.

“Hey, the captain of the town weather team has to be at full power at any given time,” Rainbow shot back. “And just because I love hot coffee does not mean I have a problem.”

“Yeah, I mean, I love sweet things,” Pinkie Pie commented to nopony’s great surprise. “Candy, cupcakes, pie, cake, pussy… just because I have those things all the time doesn’t mean I’m addicted.”

Twilight blinked and rapidly shook her head. “What was that last one, Pinkie?”

“Honey,” Pinkie said with a giggle. “You really need to get your ears checked, Twilight.”

“Um… yeah, yeah, I guess I do,” Twilight admitted, hiding her bright red face from the others. “Anyway, no, I don’t think this could wait until sunrise. That explosion looked and sounded like a typical teleportation spell performed by a unicorn nowhere near experienced enough to pull it off. Somepony could be seriously hurt out here.”

“Besides, we’ve come in here and came back out without a scratch several times before,” Rainbow Dash said proudly. “Hay, the first time was when we had Nightmare Moon after us. I think we can handle anything the Everfree can throw at us.”

“Careful, sugarcube; sayin’ things like that is just darin’ the forest to prove ya wrong,” Applejack warned.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. “It’s not like the forest can actually hear me; it’s just a bunch of trees. Besides, we’ve got Fluttershy with us. You know, the pony who shouted down a bucking dragon and stared down a cockatrice? We’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Well, I, um… thanks for the v-vote of confidence, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy stammered.

“No problem, Shy.” There was the sound of a small pat and a squeak. Twilight’s logic knew it was probably on the back, but her baser thoughts chose to believe it was towards the tail.

“And don’t forget Rarity here, who kicked a manticore right in the face,” Applejack reminded.

“It didn’t particularly do much good, but thank you, dear,” Rarity said back.

“We’re all pretty awesome!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she bounced along.

“Um, sorry to interrupt all the compliments going around, but does anypony else hear that?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight stopped and swiveled her ears around. It was faint over the sounds of the forest and the sound of six sets of hoofsteps, but she could hear a very high-pitched voice shouting not too far in the distance along with the snarling of multiple animals.

“Yeah, only a science major could kick your asses this thoroughly! Who else wants some lasery death?!” There was suddenly a loud shriek. “You… you tore up my lab coat! I’ll donate your corpse to a creationist museum for that, you mutt! Yeah, not even a real museum, a fucking creationist one!”

“Sounds like somepony’s in trouble,” Applejack said, galloping off in the direction of the voice. “C’mon, girls!”

The rest of them followed their cowpony friend as fast as they could manage, weaving in and out through the trees and underbrush to keep up. The voice and the distinct sound of growling timber wolves became clearer with each passing second, along with a periodic buzzing sound and a flash of yellow light.

“That is it! For every new tear in my lab coat, I will destroy you!” the voice half shouted, half pouted. “Wait, no, not the face, not the face!”

There was another loud buzzing and a flash of yellow light as the group arrived on the scene. Twilight’s eyes were met with the sight of a unicorn stallion with a white coat and neon green hair surrounded by a pack of timber wolves along with a few distinctly dead timber wolves. One was on top of him, but he managed to flip the lifeless body off of him and scramble back onto his hooves. He was covered in various small scratches, but blood was gushing out of a jagged gash in his side.

“Come on, puppies!” the strange stallion taunted. “You’re so pathetic you couldn’t kill my boredom, let alone the infamous Doctor Insano!” Living up to his apparent name, he cackled madly as another pair of wolves rushed him.

Fortunately for the far outnumbered colt, Rainbow Dash and Applejack intercepted the pincer attack, the former tackling one to the ground and the latter kicking one away right in the jaw. “Hold in there, partner, we’ve got your flank covered!” Applejack assured as she took a defensive stance.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay?” Fluttershy gasped as she flew to the colt’s side. She looked over his wounds and muttered, “Oh no, this is not good at all…”

“Who the fuck are you?” He shook his head. “You know what, nevermind, don’t care.” Another wolf tried to lunge at him, but a beam of yellow light burst out of the odd goggles the colt was wearing. The wolf was dead before it hit the ground. “I’ve got this situation well under control, so you girlies just stand back and let me handle this.”

“My furry blue plot you’ve got this under control!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she wrestled with the wolf on the ground. Rarity came to her rescue and kicked it in Applejack’s direction, who in turn bucked it into a nearby tree, knocking it out cold. “Thanks, Rare.”

“No problem, dear,” the unicorn dismissed.

“Pinkie, you know what to do!” Twilight called out as she steadied herself, spreading her hooves and lowering her head.

“Aye aye, captain!” the party pony said, jumping over beside Twilight and taking her tail in her hoof. Twilight screwed her eyes shut as Pinkie rotated her tail, getting ready to let loose a barrage of magic bolts.

Only for her horn to sputter out and not respond.

“Wh-what’s going on?” Twilight asked, beginning to panic. “My magic’s not working!”

“Hm…” Pinkie hummed to herself before smacking Twilight’s flank as if she were a machine that refused to start.

Twilight let out a shy yelp and shrieked, “Pinkie, my magic is not stored in my plot!”

“My magic isn’t working either!” Rarity exclaimed, backing away from the fighting. Pinkie looked over to her with a hum and Rarity snapped, “Don’t you even think about it!”

The colt named Insano looked up right after he zapped another wolf. “That would be the work of my anti-magic field generator.” He motioned upward, and Twilight caught sight of the device for the first time as it hovered above its owner.

“Anti-magic field generator?” Twilight asked in disbelief.

“Truly a glorious invention, is it not?” Insano asked with a manic giggle. “It’s made of pure steel, it’s impossible to reach by melee weapons, and it’s practically indestructible! Well, except for that weakness against blitzballs, but I swear I will find a way to fix that someday.”

“Well, would you be a dear and turn it off?!” Rarity asked with a hint of panic as a pair of wolves broke off from the rest and cornered her, Pinkie and Twilight.

“Fine, fine, hold your horses,” Insano said without a hint of irony as the blinking light in the center of the flower-like satellite turned off.

Twilight and Rarity’s horns glowed in tandem as they picked the pair of timber wolves off the ground and repeatedly smacked their heads against one another. Satisfied that they were out cold, they dropped them to the ground.

Twilight looked back to the main fight to see Applejack punch a wolf square across the jaw, sending it skidding across the ground, while Rainbow Dash bucked two in the forehead with each rear hoof. They were both covered in scratches and splinters, and were beginning to pant from fatigue. Beams of light continued to burst out of Insano’s eyes, causing wolves to drop, while he just cackled madly and continued to ignore the fact he was bleeding all over the forest floor.

“I could do this all night!” the colt giggled in glee.

“I like this guy!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she jumped into the fray, pouncing on a timber wolf.

“Ah’m glad somepony’s having fun,” Applejack panted as she turned around and kicked another lunging wolf, “but we sure ain’t!”

“You kidding? I haven’t been this pumped in ages!” Rainbow Dash panted with a wide grin and the look of a daredevil in her eye.

“Oh, as long as you’re getting your adrenaline kick, all the injuries and my ruined hooficure are worth it,” Rarity snarked as she picked another wolf up in her magic field and slammed it into a tree, joining Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash in the circle.

Twilight joined the others and blasted a wolf away with her own magic. “There are just too many of them!”

“There are way too many here to be just one pack,” Fluttershy managed to say over the din of combat. “Something has to be attracting them!”

“What the hay could be doing that?” Rainbow asked as she knocked a wolf out with a flying uppercut.

“My perfume did say that it would unlock the beast within my stallion, but I doubt it would do this,” Rarity said as she grabbed one wolf and tossed it into another.

“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” Fluttershy shook her head. “I think I remember reading somewhere that timber wolves hate certain noises so much that they’ll do anything to destroy the source. I think that the most common cause of noises like that was…” Her eyes shot up at the hovering anti-magic field generator. “Machines! Doctor, you have to get rid of your anti-magic field generator!”

“Like fuck I do!” he shot back, killing two wolves rapid fire. “Just cover me for a second while I put it in storage.”

“Like what, your pocket?” Applejack asked. “How is that gonna do a lick of good?”

“Just give me a second, dammit!” Insano spat as the device causing so much trouble hovered down to the ground. Twilight let off another blast of magic before turning her head over her shoulder to the doctor, her curiosity getting the better of her. Her eyes widened as the machine disassembled itself before her very eyes, its parts fading into the aether until nothing but a wire frame was left, which too quickly vanished.

It only took a few seconds for the wolves to start dispersing and running back into the dark depths of the woods, leaving the seven ponies alone with timber wolves in conditions varying from knocked the fuck out to stone-cold dead.

As the adrenaline wore off, Twilight took a better look at the apparent doctor. His coat was as alabaster as Rarity’s, yet somehow looked even paler. His neon green mane and tail were messy and unkempt, as if he had only heard of a comb in passing at a bar one time, though they seemed to fall down naturally. His limbs were spindly and looked like they hadn’t gotten much exercise in a long while. Overall, he looked a few years older than any of the girls.

“Yeah, get going!” Rainbow Dash called after them. “Run back to your mommies before I kick your barky behinds!”

Rarity rolled her eyes and looked over to the stallion they saved. “Are you okay, dear?”

“No,” the colt pouted. “They tore up my lab coat!”

Rarity cocked an eyebrow and looked over him as if he were a different species. “Dear, I’m the first mare to lament the loss of a beloved piece of clothing, but you’re bleeding pretty badly.”

“I’m fine,” he spat. “It’s only a flesh wound.”

“A bad one,” Fluttershy spoke up, her voice sweet and reassuring. “Please, just lie down and let me try to stop the bleeding. If you don’t mind, that is.”

“I do mind, because I don’t need your goddamn help!” Insano yelled, causing the pegasus to shrink away. “What I need is to get out of this god forsaken forest. Think you can help me with that?”

“W-well… w-we could, b-but you’re so badly hurt,” Fluttershy stammered, on the verge of tears.

“Hey, buddy, don’t yell at Fluttershy like that!” Rainbow Dash said firmly, getting between her and Insano. “She’s only trying to help your ungrateful plot!”

“Fluttershy?” he repeated with a mix of confusion and amusement. “The fuck kind of name is Fluttershy?”

“It’s her name, and you better respect it before I throw you back to the timber wolves, you jerk,” Rainbow snarled.

To her surprise, the colt burst out laughing. “Oh, I would love to see you try, bitch,” he growled with a hint of glee.

“What did you just call me?!” she shouted back.

“Did I stutter?” he asked. “I called you a bitch. See also: female dog or horridly annoying creature with a vagina.”

Twilight stepped between them before Rainbow Dash could teach him twelve new kinds of pain. “No fighting; we’ve had enough of that tonight with the timber wolves,” she said firmly, glaring into Rainbow’s rose colored eyes. She turned to Insano and said, “I’m very sorry, but as a doctor you should know better than all of us how severe your wound is. If we don’t staunch the bleeding soon, you’ll faint from blood loss before dying.”

“What will it take for you to comprehend the words ‘I’m fine’? Shall I erect a sign in fucking neon?” he asked, throwing his forelegs up in frustration.

“I could bake a cake and write it in frosting!” Pinkie Pie suggested, for there was no other pony that could possibly suggest that. “The best way to communicate with other ponies is through their stomachs.”

“Actually, I could go for some cake right about now…” Insano shook his head. “No, no, no time to think about confectionaries. I need to get out of this damn forest, get to civilization, and figure out where the hell I am.”

“You don’t even know where you are?” Twilight asked, eyebrows raised.

“I didn’t exactly intend to end up in this hellhole,” he groaned. “A teleportation experiment of mine went awry and boom, here I am in the middle of nowhere.”

“So you were the cause of that explosion a few hours ago?” Rarity asked.

“However accidentally,” Insano confirmed.

The fashionista sighed in relief. “Oh, thank Celestia. That means we can all go home and I can get my beauty sleep.”

“Not until you let Fluttershy patch up your wounds,” Twilight corrected, looking into Insano’s goggles intently.

“Are you still going on about that? Let me spell it out for you, since it has yet to pierce your purple skull: I. Am. F – fuck!”

The doctor was cut off when a lasso wrapped around his hooves and dragged him to the ground.

“I thought your name was Insano, not Fuck,” Pinkie Pie said, her head tilted in confusion.

“Sorry, partner, but Ah’m not about to let ya bleed to death because of your own stubbornness,” the cowpony said, tying a knot around his ankles.

“Untie me this instant!” he demanded, squirming against his bonds. “I am the great Doctor Insano! You can’t treat me like this!”

“I think she just did,” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk.

Rarity giggled as Applejack gave a meaningful look over to Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus gulped and trotted over to the struggling colt.

“Now, just stay still, please,” she asked as she leaned in. She pulled his lab coat back to get a better look at the damage, revealing his cutie mark: a conical flask full of bubbling, green liquid.

He growled in unbridled rage for a few seconds before doing as he was bidden and ceasing his squirming. “I keep telling you I’m fine, but nobody fucking listens, of course not…”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief and gathered her thoughts. “So, Doctor Insano, where are you from?”

“And what kind of cruel parents would name their son Insano?” Rarity added. Twilight shot her a look, but she knew it was a valid question.

“Is his name Insano or Fuck?” Pinkie Pie asked, only to keep being ignored.

The colt burst out laughing. “I’m from the middle of the fucking desert, and my parents weren’t the best around, I’ll tell you that.”

“Down south, then,” Twilight muttered.

“So, you’re some sort of science guy?” Pinkie asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

“Not just a science guy, the science guy,” he corrected. “Bill Nye’s got nothing on me.”

Twilight shared a look with the other girls, not knowing who he was referring to, though Pinkie seemed to understand perfectly.

“Ooo, what kind of science stuff do you do?” the party pony asked, bouncing up and down like her legs were pogo sticks, as she often did when excited.

“Pfeh, I do it all,” he boasted.

“That’s impossible,” Twilight cut in. “I’m a scientist myself, and nopony is capable of being an expert in literally every scientific field.”

“Impossible? I don’t know the meaning of the word,” Insano cackled.

“That’s funny; neither do I!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well, I do, it’s just that it must mean something different than what I think it means since everypony uses it so strangely. I mean, one time I appeared in a mirror to somepony, and they said it was impossible. But it clearly wasn’t since I was able to do it, right? I’m just like, ‘You keep using that word; I don’t think it means what you think it means,’ but they just keep on using it! Does that word mean what I think it means, or has the whole world just never read a dictionary?” She brought a hoof up to her chin and began tapping it, deep in thought.

Insano stared at the party pony before turning to Twilight. “The hell kind of drugs is she on?”

“She’s Pinkie Pie; it’s better to not question it, dear,” Rarity said with a sigh.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said hesitantly.

“Look pal, we’ve already dealt with ponies that didn’t know their own limits, and it didn’t work out well for them,” Rainbow Dash said. “So why don’t you just cut the big talk and tell us what you really do?” The irony of Rainbow Dash asking somepony else to cut the big talk was not lost on the others, who just rolled their eyes, save for Pinkie Pie.

“These are not idle boasts, fool, but powerful facts,” Insano spat. “I am a master scientist. I can build a working laser pistol out of a toaster and still have it make toast! I can take the DNA of a kitten and a puppy and splice them together to make something so adorable that I’ve literally weaponized cuteness! I can build machines that can warp the very fabric of reality until two plus two equals fish and Gary Coleman is God! Well, I could, but I wouldn’t, because bringing ichthyology into mathematics would be just confusing and Gary Coleman wouldn’t make a very good God.”

“Sorry if Ah take your claims with a grain of salt, partner,” Applejack said as diplomatically as she could manage, “but all Ah’ve seen of your supposed scientific skills is them there goggles that shoot light and that anti-magic flower thing.”

“That was my death ray vision and my anti-magic field generator,” Insano corrected with irritation. “And those are only two of my inventions that I brought with me. I would show you more, but I’m a bit tied up thanks to you.”

“D… death ray?” Fluttershy stuttered as she started to shake, looking up at him. “You mean… all those timber wolves are dead?”

“Death rays tend to kill things,” Insano deadpanned. “Otherwise they would not be death rays and just be a fancy light show.”

Fluttershy looked around at the bodies littering the ground as the tears began to form. “Y-you didn’t have to kill them!” she shrieked. “You could have just scared them off!”

“I didn’t have to – they were trying to kill me, you loon!” Insano sputtered. “What, if I was in six different wolves digesting right now, would you give them the same goddamn lecture?”

“Hey, what did I tell you about yelling at Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked, taking a threatening step forward.

“And what did I say about fighting?” Twilight reminded, giving a pointed look in Rainbow’s direction. Rainbow stared back, electricity flying between the two before the pegasus backed down, murmuring to herself. Twilight sighed and said, “Fluttershy, he was acting in self-defense. He doesn’t have The Stare like you do; please calm down.”

The yellow pegasus shied away from the colt, muttering, “I’m not sure I want to help him anymore…”

“What?!” Insano roared. “What the fuck is this bullshit? You tie me up like a pig, insisting and begging that you tend to my insignificant wounds, and then you decide not to do it?! I should have you all de–” He stopped himself and bit his lip, growling in anger. “Never mind, are you going to help me or not?”

Applejack trotted over to Fluttershy and draped a foreleg around her withers. “Now sugarcube, I know this colt ain’t the nicest around.”

“I think I’ve met nicer manticores,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“But,” Applejack said pointedly, glaring at the cyan pegasus, “he’s badly hurt, and just because he’s a bit of a pain in the plot doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help him.”

“I know,” Fluttershy mumbled. “I know… doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

“I think we’re all getting pretty tired of him, sugarcube,” she assured with a nuzzle.

“I’m right here, you know,” Insano reminded.

Fluttershy gave him an unusually hard glare before trotting back to his side and tending to his wounds once more.

“Look, sorry if I’m inconveniencing you by existing,” he spat, “but I just want to get to the nearest city, and I know there is one nearby. Just untie me and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“City?” Rarity repeated, cocking an eyebrow. “Darling, there are no cities nearby. We live in Ponyville, a quaint little village not far from here.”

“Is it to the northwest?” he asked, looking over to the fashionista. She gave a curt nod. “That can’t be right,” he muttered to himself. “If the readings I got were that strong from just a village… dear god, how do they keep their population stable?”

“What are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What readings?”

“From my gaydar,” he responded matter-of-factly. “I picked up huge readings to the northwest, and I was headed there to find civilization. I just assumed that such a huge concentration of gay energy was a single neighborhood in a larger city.”

Twilight’s heart skipped a beat and skipped town to hide from the embarrassment it knew was about to come. “You… have a gaydar.”

“Yes. It detects and measures gayness. With science,” he explained and yet didn’t really explain anything at all. “In fact… wait a second.” He started turning his head around the clearing and muttering under his breath, “One, two, three, four, five, six… you’re the six sources I picked up just before the wolves attacked, weren’t you?”

Six pony heads quickly did their best impressions of tomatoes as each of them blurted out something different at the same time.

“Just because I think Spitfire is awesome does not mean I’m a filly fooler!” Rainbow Dash roared, stepping in Insano’s direction.

“I admit, I do have a certain… appreciation of the female form,” Rarity said, looking away nervously.

“I’ve always gotten along better with mares than with colts… and felt more comfortable around them…” Fluttershy admitted, hiding behind her mane.

“What can I say? I went over to Berry Punch’s place, tried some of her stuff, and discovered something new about myself,” Pinkie Pie explained happily, blushing all the same.

“That one time with Golden Harvest didn’t mean nothin’! We were both teens and didn’t know any better,” Applejack insisted, stomping her hoof.

“I don’t regularly find myself staring at my friend’s and the princesses’ plots! Whatever gave you that idea?” Twilight asked with a nervous smile and shaky giggle.

Silence fell over the six as they registered what the others had just said.

“So that’s why you kept hovering around my plot when you measured me up for my Gala dress!” Rainbow Dash accused, turning to Rarity.

“Are you accusing me of being some common peeper?” Rarity gasped, pointing her hoof to herself in disbelief. “Why, I never!”

“It certainly explains why more than half of the romance novels you check out of my library are erotic ones between mares,” Twilight pointed out.

“I read them purely for the romantic aspect,” Rarity insisted, turning up her nose.

“Yeah, and the bucking scenes are just a bonus, right?” Rainbow Dash scoffed.

“Now that Ah think about it, you lingered around my tail when Ah modeled for you too, Rare,” Applejack said. “Ah thought it was kinda odd, but didn’t say nothin’ about it.”

“Oh hush,” Rarity snapped, turning her attention to the cowpony. “At least I didn’t lose my virginity to Golden Harvest of all ponies!”

“We didn’t know any better!” Applejack yelled back, her blush deepening.

“Hey, you take that back, Rarity! Golden Harvest is a very nice pony,” Pinkie Pie demanded.

“You can shush too; you weren’t exactly much better, discovering your orientation through a drunk escapade with the town vintner who’s too busy guzzling her own wares to make a profit,” Rarity spat.

“Oh yeah? And how did you discover that you were a filly fooler, miss high and mighty?” Rainbow Dash asked, flying over and shoving her face in the unicorn’s.

“That is a private matter,” Rarity said with a bright blush, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “At least I am mature enough to admit it when confronted with the truth.”

“I am not a filly fooler!” Rainbow Dash bellowed, blowing back Rarity’s mane like the branches of a tree in the wind.

“B-but, when w-we were in flight camp and I c-came out to you, you said that y-you were one too,” Fluttershy stammered, her eyes watering. “Was… was that just a l-lie to make me feel b-better?”

Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy, her rage gone. “Fluttershy, I would never lie to you…” she mumbled.

“Oh, you won’t lie to Fluttershy, but you’ll lie right to my face that one time when Ah caught you staring at my sweat-soaked behind last summer and asked if you were straight?” Applejack asked, narrowing her eyes.

“I keep telling you, it wasn’t like that!” Rainbow Dash snapped, the rage back in full force as she turned her attention to the cowpony.

“Okay then, darling, how else do you explain staring at your good friend’s posterior while she was in a state that could be considered by some to be attractive?” Rarity asked flatly, cocking an eyebrow.

Rainbow Dash looked around like a trapped animal for a moment before her gaze locked in on Twilight. “Why don’t you ask her? She pretty much just admitted she’s not only been scoping us out, but the princesses’ too!”

Twilight gulped as all eyes turned on her. “I-I didn’t… um, that is to say that I…” she stammered, looking at them all in turn.

“Darling, is that why you kept insisting we have more sleepovers?” Rarity asked, both her eyebrows raised.

“And why you kept offering to help me at the farm on the hottest days of the summer?” Applejack followed up.

“And why every time I get some batter or frosting on my coat when we bake together, you lick it off?” Pinkie Pie asked with a tilt of her head.

“I always appreciated your help with my animals, Twilight, but now it does seem a bit suspicious that you tend to lag behind me,” Fluttershy admitted. “Not that I mind, or anything.”

Twilight’s eyes flitted between the stares of her five friends as her body began to shake. She screwed her eyes shut and threw her forelegs up, shouting, “Okay, I’m gay! I’m a filly fooler! I’m about as straight as Discord’s spine! I think all of you and the princesses’ are incredibly attractive but I never said anything so it didn’t come between us! Happy now?!”

“I certainly am!” Insano said as he burst into hysterics. “I am bearing witness to six Technicolor lesbian horses get into a cat fight over how much they each love pussy. My life has become so gloriously mad and I love every goddamn second of it!” He continued laughing but was cut off when Applejack kicked him in the back of the head. “Ow!”

“Look, we can talk about who’s bucked who and who wants to buck who later when we’re back at home,” Applejack said as evenly as she could manage. “Right now, we need to get this colt to Nurse Redheart so she can make sure nothing major’s broken. You done, Fluttershy?”

The pegasus nodded. “I’ve done all I can for right now…”

“Alrighty then, let’s move out,” Applejack said. Twilight briefly thought about reasserting her position as leader of the group, but decided that it was not the best time. “Twilight, pick the doctor here up in your magic and carry him along.”

“What?!” Insano roared. “You’re not going to untie me?!”

“Those fancy goggles of yours can kill anything you point ‘em at,” the cowpony said as she turned to him, “and you’ve already shown us you’re not the nicest pony around. Ah don’t trust ya.”

The colt snorted. “You’re smarter than you sound.”

Applejack ignored the backhanded compliment and started trotting back to Ponyville. Twilight gave a lingering look to the tied up scientist, who was once again struggling against his bonds and cursing up a storm as the other girls followed the cowpony. Her horn began to glow and she picked him up, turning around herself and cantering to catch up with the others as she ignored the whirlwind of vulgarity she was hefting along.

Ooh, Nasty

Nurse Redheart took another swig of her coffee as she manned the front desk of her clinic. The place was quiet, as it usually was that early in the morning. Most of her patients were either asleep or knocked out cold from sedatives. It was her partner’s turn to make rounds and check to make sure that nopony had died and that nopony had stolen from their supply of gloomsbane. Again.

“It’s probably Pinkie Pie,” the nurse thought aloud to herself. “That mare is always far too happy.”

She glanced out the window only for her gaze to be met with the same dark view of Berry Punch’s liquor store she always had to see. Her ear twitched as she heard pleasured moans and sweet nothings coming down from the mare’s bedroom on the second floor. “The least she and Colgate could do is close the window,” she sighed as she drank again from her mug.

Not that she was jealous or anything. No sir. She was perfectly fine running her clinic and helping ponies in need most of the day instead of having a sex life. A sex life she would very much love to have with Colgate. A sex life she couldn’t have with Colgate because she was bucking Berry Punch. Every. Single. Night. And she had to listen to their throws of passion from her station at the front desk. Every. Single. Night.

Redheart didn’t even notice that she was biting the rim of her mug until a shard of porcelain chipped off in her mouth.

She quickly spat out the ceramic splinter as the front door opened, the bell above it ringing. “Welcome to the Twin Hearts Clinic, how may I be of service to you this morning?” She looked up to see the biggest celebrities of Ponyville and perhaps all of Equestria, the Elements of Harmony. Her customary welcoming smile faded as she saw their condition. They were covered in scratches and gashes clearly caused by claws, each one riddled with splinters. Though they all had battle scars, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had more than their fair share compared to the others. “You went into the Everfree Forest to investigate that explosion earlier, didn’t you?” the nurse asked with a sigh.

“How did you know?” Pinkie Pie asked with child-like wonder, bouncing on her hooves and smiling as wide as ever despite her injuries. Or perhaps because of them. Maybe she was a sexual masochist.

Redheart shoved that train of thought off its tracks and sent it careening into the gorge of Never Going To Think About That Again as she said, “Because I know you girls way too well. If there’s an adventure to be had, you six will be right on top of it and come to me to patch you up.”

“Sorry if we’re being a bother, Nurse Redheart,” Fluttershy apologized, hiding behind her mane.

“Yes, you really must have your hooves full without having to worry about us,” Rarity added.

The nurse couldn’t help but smile softly. “Don’t worry about me; it’s my job, after all. You got into a fight with some timber wolves, right?” The sextet of mares nodded. “Then we’ll need to pull those splinters out and clean those wounds before they get infected.” She turned around and called, “Sis, we’ve got six cases of timber wolf wounds! Get the disinfectant and the tweezers!”

“Coming right up!” a far too awake voice sang in response.

“Actually, Nurse Redheart,” Twilight cut in, “we’re not the only ones who got hurt in the fight.”

Redheart turned around and cocked an eyebrow. “Please don’t tell me you brought your pet dragon along with you.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “For one, Spike is not my pet. He’s like a younger brother to me. But that’s beside the point. Point is, we got into that fight with timber wolves in the first place because this colt was getting swarmed by them, and we decided to help him out.”

“Big mistake,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

Redheart was about to ask who they were referring to when the colt in question floated from behind Twilight and over the other mares’ heads. The lab coat wearing stallion was limp in the unicorn’s magic grip, though he was apparently still awake judging by the mumbling come from his mouth. “The name’s Doctor Insano; a pleasure, I’m sure,” he growled, his tone a defeated one.

“What exactly were you doing in the Everfree Forest?” the nurse asked.

He opened his mouth to respond, but Twilight cut him off. “He said it was a teleportation experiment gone awry, hence the explosion earlier.”

“And to be honest, Ah don’t trust him,” Applejack huffed as she shot a glare at the prone colt. “Those goggles of his can shoot light that kills anythin’ it touches; a death ray, he calls it, and he’s already shown he’s willin’ to use it.”

“Why else would I invent a death ray if I wasn’t going to use it to kill things?” he asked in the voice of the long suffering. “I don’t think the inventor of the blender used it as a contraceptive.”

“Not to mention he’s a huge jerk,” Rainbow Dash spat, shooting him a glare as well. “He made Fluttershy cry!”

Said yellow pegasus hid behind her mane and mumbled, “I’m okay now, though… really.” Rarity gave her a comforting nuzzle, prompting a smile out of her.

Redheart looked down at the bound unicorn, her lips drawn into a thin line and her brows raised. “He’s hurt really badly. It’s going to take quite a few bits to patch him up. Do you have the money to pay for it, Mister Insano?”

“That’s Doctor Insano,” he growled. “And sure, I always keep my wallet in my lab coat while I’m conducting dangerous experiments in teleportation technology. No, of course I don’t have the money to pay for it!”

The nurse shifted her attention from the colt to the assembled mares. “Well, this clinic doesn’t do IOUs. Any of you want to pay his fees?”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “You’d sooner get me to clip my wings.”

“Money’s a bit tight at the farm, so Ah can only spare enough bits for my treatment as it is,” Applejack explained.

“I’m already in a bit of debt taking care of all my animals… sorry,” Fluttershy apologized.

“I’d love to, but all my parties may have put me in a teensy weensy mountain of debt too,” Pinkie Pie said with a nervous giggle.

“I have a research grant from Princess Celestia, but it’s really only enough to get by,” Twilight said, avoiding eye contact. “And I’m not exactly rolling in bits from my job as the town librarian.”

Rarity’s gaze shifted to all her friends in turn before she sighed. “Business has been good at the Boutique lately, and while I don’t exactly like this gentlecolt, I suppose I can pay his medical expenses.”

Redheart smiled. “I would expect no less from the Element of Generosity herself.”

The fashionista smiled back and puffed up with pride. “I just do what I can, darling.”

“Get a room already,” Insano sneered. After a quick kick to the back of the head from Applejack and a squeal of pain he added, “And thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome, you ungrateful oaf,” Rarity huffed.

“Good morning, all,” Nurse Tenderheart sang as she trotted in, the disinfectant balanced on her back and a pair of tweezers between her teeth. “Oh. Oh dear. Looks like this will take a while.”

“If we hurry, we can get them cleaned and out of here before daybreak,” Redheart assured her sister. “Right now I need you to go get a gurney with restraints. As I understand, this colt is a hazard to himself and everypony around him.”

“You sound like my mother,” Insano muttered as Tenderheart nodded and went to do as she was bidden.

“And as for you,” Redheart started, turning her attention back to the colt, “I’ll be confiscating those goggles. There are no weapons allowed in the clinic.”

“Like fuck you are!” Insano yelled, struggling against his bonds anew. “I’ll kill every last goddamn one of you before you take my goggles!” He turned his gaze at Nurse Redheart, but before he could get a shot off Rainbow Dash pinned him and slammed his head into the floor facing down. “Get off me, you harpy!”

“Not until you give me those bucking glasses,” she growled, pinning him under her and grabbing the rear strap of his goggles with her teeth.

“Sis, grab some heavy sedatives, on the double!” Redheart shouted into the back of the clinic.

“No! Stop! Don’t!” Insano ordered as Rainbow Dash started tugging the goggles over his head.

“They’re stuck!” the pegasus said through her gritted teeth.

“Hold on, sugarcube, I’ll help,” Applejack said as she sat in front of the struggling doctor and put her hoofs on either side of his head and pulled on the goggle’s straps.

“I said stop, you stupid harlots!” Insano bellowed. The goggles started to come loose, but blood started to leak from behind the straps.

“Stop, you’re hurting him!” Fluttershy gasped as the colt’s blood seeped onto the floor.

“We’ve almost got it!” Rainbow Dash assured as she pulled harder.

Insano screamed in pain as the goggles came off with a sickening squelch. Applejack tumbled backward, the goggles held between her hooves. The cowpony froze when she saw that the inner ring of the metal-plated straps was covered in prongs and needles that were coated in blood.

“I can’t see!” the doctor screeched as he flailed on the ground, blood cascading down every angle of his head like a gruesome waterfall. “I can’t see, I can’t see, I can’t see!”

“What’s wrong with him?!” Twilight asked.

There was a loud thud; Fluttershy had flopped over unconscious. Pinkie Pie had her hooves over her eyes while Rarity had her hooves over her mouth, her face turning green. “I think I’m going to be ill…” the fashionista groaned.

“I…I didn’t mean to do that!” Rainbow Dash protested as she stood stunned over the flailing doctor.

Redheart shoved the cyan pegasus off of him and turned him over onto his back. She pulled his neon green mane away to see a neat line of holes around the circumference of his head that were gushing blood. “It looks like those goggles of his were attached directly into his skull...”

“Get off!” Insano roared. He snapped his restraints and scrambled away from Nurse Redheart, his blood splattering and dripping all over the floor with each sway of his head. A shared gasp went around the room as they peered into his chalk white eyes.

“You’re… you’re blind?” Twilight asked, her jaw slack.

“Of course I am!” he spat angrily, wiping the blood away that was dripping into his eyes. “Do you think I wear those goggles because they’re fashionable? I wear the damn things because without them, I can’t fucking see! That’s why I built them in the first place!”

A pang of pity went through the nurse’s heart before she remembered how dangerous he was. The colt blindly staggered backward away from the mares, toward the returning Tenderheart. Redheart gave her a meaningful look, and her sister nodded, drawing a syringe.

“Now, give me my motherfucking goggles, you thieving cunts,” he growled. “I invented them. I built them. I earned my damn sight! I’m not going to let you take it away from–”

Insano’s threat was cut off by a surprised squeal from his lips as a needle pierced his plot and the plunger was pushed. He wheeled around to face Tenderheart as she pulled the syringe out again. “What… what did you do to me?!” he demanded, taking a threatening step in her general direction. “Starting to feel sleepy… fine motor functions impaired.” He stumbled over drunkenly, bumping into the wall. “Sedatives… you resourceful bitches.” He collapsed over against the wall and slumped down it, knocked out cold and his own blood pooling around him.

Redheart let out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding before taking another deep one in to compose herself. “Tender, get him in that gurney and tend to his head injuries. Keep him sedated until we can get more information on him.”

“I’m on it,” Tenderheart said, her voice and body shaking as she did as her sister told her.

Redheart sighed and looked over to the Elements of Harmony. “Why don’t you all just take a seat while I get all this blood cleaned up?”

There was a heave and a splat as Rarity vomited on the floor.

“And that.”

A River in Egypt

“Again, I’m so, so sorry for the mess, Nurse Redheart,” Rarity apologized. “I insist I pay you extra for the trouble.”

“I appreciate the offer, Rarity, but I really can’t accept,” Redheart said as she mopped up the last of Insano’s blood. “I’ve mopped up far worse than vomit, and I don’t charge extra for just doing my job. Besides, I could be investigated for malpractice if I put a charge like that on the books.”

Rarity sighed. “Very well.” She hummed in thought and brightened as she said, “Instead, I’ll take you to the spa tomorrow, strictly off the record. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Redheart giggled. “Okay, okay, I’ll take some time off and go with you. Can’t resist the demands of a lady such of yourself, can I?”

“No, you can’t,” Rarity said with a smirk and a wink.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as the nurse blushed and the fashionista giggled. “Insano was right; you two really do need a room,” she commented as she continued to pace back and forth. She winced and added, “If I ever say the words ‘Insano was right’ again, slap me.”

“Tell me why I shouldn’t slap you right now,” Rarity demanded, her face red as she crossed her forelegs over her chest in her seat.

“Oh come on, you were obviously flirting,” Rainbow Dash groaned.

“So? Now that my sexuality is out in the open I am more than comfortable expressing it, unlike some mares I could mention,” Rarity said, closing her eyes and turning up her nose.

“I’m not a filly fooler,” the pegasus growled, shooting Rarity a glare.

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself, dear?” Rarity asked coldly through half-lidded eyes.

Dash was about to respond when Applejack cut in. “Ah said that we would discuss who bucked who and who wants to buck who later; now ain’t that time. Ah doubt that Nurse Redheart here wants to hear your petty squabblin’ anyway.”

“Why not? We haven’t got much better to do,” Pinkie said, squirming in her seat.

“I’d like to get it over with, myself,” the recently revived Fluttershy admitted, hiding behind her mane and pressing her hooves shyly together.

“But Twilight is gettin’ patched up right now by Tenderheart,” Applejack pointed out.

“And now that I’m done cleaning, I can take one of you ladies back and get to work,” Redheart interjected as she put the cleaning supplies away. “Who wants to go first?”

“Can I go first?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I can’t even sit down because of all these splinters in my plot.”

Pinkie giggled and Applejack chuckled at her misfortune, both of them earning a glare from the pegasus.

“Follow me, then.” Redheart trotted down the hall, the pegasus following. Rainbow Dash noticed her plot bounced slightly with each step, which prompted her to cover that thought up in the tarp of denial before shoving them in her mental closet, covering the door in chains and placing seven different locks on it.

Dash was snapped out of her totally heterosexual musings when Redheart spoke again. “Right in here, Miss Dash.” The nurse was holding a door to one of the clinic’s rooms open for her.

“Th-thank you,” she stammered as she trotted into the room. She heard the door close behind her.

“This may take a while; you and Applejack took a lot more damage than the other girls,” Redheart said as she set down the bottle of disinfectant goo and took the tweezers in her mouth.

“Heh, well, we fight up close and personal,” she boasted, pretending to look over her hoof and rubbing it on her chest in a stereotypical cool way. “Timber wolves didn’t stand a chance.”

“Still means they did a number on you,” Redheart said around her tweezers. “Now, bend over the exam table; I’ll do you a favor and get those splinters out of your gluteus first.”

Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow and let out an articulate, “Huh?”

The nurse giggled and rolled her eyes. “Your plot, Rainbow Dash.”

The pegasus blushed up as she followed her orders, putting her front half on the exam table and presenting her rear to the nurse. “I knew that,” she fibbed.

“Of course you did,” Redheart teased.

Dash was about to give a rebuttal when she felt a stabbing pain in her plot. She gritted her teeth and hissed. “What was that?”

“That was me pulling out one of the splinters,” Redheart said. “The fact that they’re in open wounds makes it hurt that much more, I would guess.”

“Ya think?!” she asked, her voice cracking.

“Wow, I didn’t know that the great Rainbow Dash had such a low pain threshold,” Redheart teased.

The pegasus tensed up and gritted her teeth, determination and pride burning in her eyes. “I can take anything you can throw at me.”

“We’ll see about that,” the nurse chuckled before going once more unto the breach.

Rainbow Dash pressed her hooves into the cloth cover of the exam table and screwed her eyes shut as the pain commenced. Her lips desperately held back yelps when Redheart had to dig in deep for a splinter. She kept her body rigid to avoid kicking out her back hooves out of reflex from all the unwelcome contact back there. There was nothing she could really do about the tears rolling down her cheeks, however.

The pegasus briefly contemplated how pain seemed to turn seconds into hours and minutes into eternities. Perhaps pain was the key to controlling time.

“I think that’s all of them in this area,” the nurse said as she flipped on the sink, washing off the tweezers. “That was the hard part. Now you just relax while I apply the disinfectant to all the wounds I cleared. After that little break, it’s back to extracting splinters.”

Rainbow Dash sighed in relief. “Any break from that torture is fine by me.”

“Torture, huh?” Redheart repeated. “That big blue bottom of yours must be pretty sensitive if that qualified as torture.”

Rainbow Dash’s face burned a bright red. Somewhere, deep within the recesses of her mind, one of the locks on her mental closet clicked open. “Hey, my plot is none of your business!”

“It is my business now that I’m forced to look at it while I’m patching you up,” she retorted.

Rainbow Dash was about to respond, but was interrupted by a shiver up her spine as the nurse poured the cold, thick disinfectant on her flanks. Another lock clicked open. “Forced? What, it’s not good enough for you?” she asked, looking over her shoulder.

“Rainbow Dash, are you seriously offended that I don’t find your wound-covered rump sexy?” Redheart asked, her eyebrows arched in confusion but her lips curved up in amusement.

The pegasus blushed and checked her mental closet. Seeing two locks undone, she promptly snapped them shut and relocked them. “N-no; I was just wondering, is all,” she said, turning back around.

“Uh huh,” the nurse said, her tone beyond incredulous and into you’ve-gotta-do-better-than-that territory. “Well, I’ll say that whenever you do get a coltfriend, he’ll have something very nice to look at every time he watches you leave. Is that good enough?”

“Yeah, sure, thanks,” Dash grunted back, folding her forelegs and resting her head on them. She gasped when she felt two warm hooves on either side of her plot, her wings snapping up at attention. All seven locks snapped open and clattered onto the floor. “Wh-what are you doing?”

“Rubbing the disinfectant in,” Redheart explained. “This stuff isn’t magic; I need to rub it deep into the cuts for it to work properly.”

The pegasus bit her lip as the nurse got to work, rubbing her hooves and the goop over her plot. Not to bite back a moan, of course not. It was… because she was so uncomfortable. Yeah, that was it.

The chains covering her mental closet rapidly rusted away.

“It stings,” she hissed, shifting the weight in her hind legs as the burn of the disinfectant seeped into her wounds.

“The burn means it’s working,” Redheart assured, giving Dash a small, comforting pat on the hip.

The contents of Rainbow Dash’s mental closet started banging on the door.

The pegasus bit into her foreleg and screwed her eyes shut, throwing herself at the closet door and using herself as a barricade. The pounding got louder and louder as the rubbing stung less and felt better. “I am not a filly fooler, I am not a filly fooler, I am not a filly fooler,” she whispered to herself over and over, hoping that repeating something long enough would make it so.

“Wow, you really got tense,” the nurse marveled. “I know I’m not Aloe or Lotus, but my massages can’t be that bad, can they? You need to loosen up, or pulling out the rest of those splinters really will be torture.” The mare’s hooves pressed firmer and more insistently against her patient’s plot and flanks, each rub going slower as she tried to get the knots out of the pegasus’ muscles.

The closet door could hold it no longer. It was blasted off of its hinges, and out poured a torrent of rainbows, cats, velvet gloves, and other mentally constructed euphemisms for desperately wanting to buck another mare until they both screamed so loud they could shatter glass. Rainbow Dash floated along on what used to be the door until she came across the tarp she’d used to cover the thoughts that grew into the gayvalanche that had tumbled out of the closet. She fashioned the tarp into a sail, dubbed her raft the S.S. I Love Vagina, and sailed the seven sexy seas of her mindscape.

The gay panic drowned in a flood of filly foolery, Rainbow Dash shivered and blushed, relaxing on the exam table as the nurse did her work. “Thanks, nurse; that really hits the spot,” she purred.

“The G-spot, or is there another I’m missing?” Redheart purred back.

Rainbow Dash’s face turned so red that Applejack could mistake her for an apple and buck it, and in the non-sexual sense. Unless the cowpony was into that sort of thing. “Wh-what?”

“Sorry, sorry, I couldn’t resist,” the nurse giggled. “And please, just call me Redheart. We’ve seen each other enough, what with your accidents practicing new stunts and all.”

The pegasus’ blush somewhat subsided. “Yeah, I am in here a lot, aren’t I?”

“Don’t feel ashamed about it; every pegasus needs to crash a few times before they can really fly. In a metaphorical sense, of course,” the nurse assured. A pang of disappointment struck Rainbow Dash as she felt the nurse’s hooves pull away. “That should be enough rubbing for the disinfectant. Ready for round two of tweezer torture?”

Rainbow Dash nodded reflexively, not really registering it or the question. “Um, Redheart?”

“Yes, Rainbow Dash?” she said as she went over to the sink to retrieve the tweezers.

“You’ve been a really awesome nurse for me for years, y’know? And I was wondering if, I don’t know, maybe… I could pay you back with dinner sometime?” she asked as casually as she could manage.

There was a small clinking sound as the nurse picked up her tool. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Um… yes?” she confirmed, cringing a bit.

Redheart simply giggled as she walked over to Rainbow Dash’s side. “I’d love to. I’ll let you know when I have some time off.”

The pegasus sighed in relief. “Trust me, you won’t regret it. I know this radical place on the other side of town, and maybe afterward we could – b-buck!” she yelped when she felt the cold feel of tweezers dig into her side.

“Was that a curse or a serious proposition?” Redheart snickered.

Rainbow Dash gave her a glare through her wildfire of a blush and mumbled, “Just get back to work; we’ll talk about this later.”

“Roger that,” the nurse giggled before digging for another splinter.

“Motherbucker!”

Freudian Avalanche

Twilight winced with each step as she walked out of the office with Nurse Tenderheart. The disinfectant stung so much in her wounds that she briefly debated whether she’d rather have the splinters back. “Thank you for cleaning my injuries, Nurse Tenderheart,” she said all the same.

“Please, no need to be so formal,” the nurse insisted as she closed the door. “Just call me Tenderheart.”

Twilight gave a soft smile back as she limped down the hall back to the waiting room. “You’re very good at your craft, Tenderheart.”

“Please, no flattery,” the nurse said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “I’ll never be as good as my sister is.”

“Don’t sell yourself short; you’re a great nurse,” Twilight said, forcing a smile through the pain.

“Thank you, Twilight, but no matter how good I am, Redheart is still better. We both know it. I bring different skills to the table, though,” Tenderheart explained.

“Oh?” Twilight was slightly interested, but mostly just in pain.

“Mhm. Redheart is a better nurse, but I have a better bedside manner. She’s good at dealing with troublemakers; I’m good at calming panicking patients down. I’m better at keeping things organized; she’s better at doing the clinic’s taxes. She’s good at giving orders, I’m good at taking them,” Tenderheart listed off. “There’s no shame in admitting our weaknesses since we cover each other with our strengths.”

“It must be nice to have a sister like that,” Twilight said with a smile.

“Yeah, when she isn’t cranky over how lonely she is,” Tenderheart said with a sigh. “Running a two pony medical clinic is a full-time job. She doesn’t have much time for a love life.”

Twilight flinched, for once not in pain but in pity. “That must be hard on both of you. I’m sure there’s a nice colt out there for each of you, though.”

Tenderheart giggled. “I highly doubt that. She’s as gay as Mount Canterlot is tall, while my stable door swings both ways.”

“O-oh,” Twilight stammered, her cheeks turning red.

“Is that an issue?” Tenderheart asked. “Trust me, I wasn’t checking you out while I was working on you; I know how to keep my mind on my job and my eyes off the plot.”

“No, it’s not that,” she said hastily. “It’s just, well… I’m still somewhat new to talking about the subject. I only accepted that I’m a filly fooler myself very recently.” She scraped her tongue against her teeth as if admitting her love for matching chromosomes left a bad taste in her mouth. Specifically the flavor of strawberries and copper; she supposed that’s what the acceptance of sexuality tasted like.

“Oh, congratulations!” Tenderheart exclaimed.

“What? Why are you congratulating me?” Twilight asked, looking at the nurse as if she had just admitted her urine tasted like chocolate milk.

“Why shouldn’t I be? Isn’t self discovery a good thing?” Tenderheart asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Oh, wait… you were raised in Canterlot, weren’t you?”

“Yeah; why?” Twilight asked, her own eyebrows raising.

The nurse sighed. “I’m guessing Canterlot culture taught you that homosexuality was a bad thing, right? I doubt Celestia did.”

“Well… no, Celestia said that there was nothing wrong with it,” the unicorn admitted.

“I thought as much,” the nurse said, suddenly sounding a lot older than she was. “Canterlot is a lot more intolerant than the rest of Equestria, thanks to all the nobles. They don’t care if us peasants reproduce, oh no, but Celestia forbid if their highborn bloodlines hit a dead-end in the form of a clambake or sausage fest.”

“I take it you don’t like the nobility?” Twilight asked a bit nervously.

“Let’s just say that the sooner Celestia abolishes the concept of nobility and really gives us all equal rights, the happier I’ll be,” Tenderheart explained.

“I’ll… bring that up with her,” Twilight said, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. Much to her relief, the main room was in sight, her friends’ voices getting within earshot.

“Looks like Tenderheart is done with Twilight; who wants to go next?” Applejack asked the other mares.

“I don’t; my blood actually tastes kinda good! I think it’s from all the sugar I eat,” Pinkie Pie said as she licked the cuts on her foreleg. Fluttershy and Rarity, who were sitting on either side of the party pony, wisely inched away in their seats.

“Applejack, darling, don’t you think you should be treated next? You’re hurt far worse than the rest of us,” Rarity said, her brow furrowed.

“Horseapples; Ah can wait for the rest of y’all to be patched up before the work on me,” the cowpony insisted.

“You really should go next,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, I didn’t really fight at all, so I think I should be last.”

“I think they’re right, Applejack,” Twilight said as she joined them. “You and Rainbow Dash had it far worse than the rest of us.”

“And I’m not about to go next when you haven’t been treated yet,” Rarity huffed, crossing her forelegs over her chest.

Applejack looked at each of her friends in turn and sighed. “Alright, fine. Ah’m goin’ next, Nurse Tenderheart.”

“Splendid! Follow me,” the nurse said, turning around and trotted back down the hall. The cowpony did as she was bidden, cantering to catch up.

Twilight looked at the three remaining mares and flashed a nervous smile as she took a seat next to Rarity. “So, where’s Rainbow Dash?”

“Nurse Redheart is taking care of her,” Rarity explained, not making eye contact with Twilight.

“Oh,” Twilight said, scrambling to find something else to talk about. She could sense the awkward tension in the air, and it made her horn tingle in a way she didn’t like. “Any news on Insano?”

“Still knocked out, as far as I’m aware,” the fashionista said. “They said that he’s stable for now, and they’ve done all they can until he wakes up.”

“Poor thing,” Fluttershy mumbled, her gaze downcast. “I had no idea he was blind.”

“I don’t think anypony would have guessed that, Fluttershy,” Twilight assured. “I certainly didn’t see it coming.”

“Though I guess it makes sense why he would ever wear something so tacky,” Rarity sneered.

“I think they look kinda funny,” Pinkie giggled as she continued licking her wounds.

“Still, I feel really sorry for him,” the pegasus said. “Maybe we shouldn’t have taken his goggles away from him…”

“Darling, that’s a nice sentiment, but the colt built weapons into them,” Rarity reasoned. “And you heard what he said. He was fully willing to kill everypony here.”

“Wouldn’t you if somepony threatened to take away your eyes?” Fluttershy asked, looking over to the fashionista.

“Well… I…” Rarity sighed. “I suppose I wouldn’t react very well myself, were I in his shoes.”

“He may not be the nicest pony, but I don’t think he’s that bad,” Fluttershy said.

“I love his laugh; it’s one of those laughs that you can’t help but smile at,” Pinkie Pie said between licks.

“Personally it sends shivers down my spine,” Rarity said with a shudder. “And not in a ‘that’s so attractive, take me now’ way, in a ‘you are obviously crazy and I’m going to back away slowly now’ way.”

“I’m mostly interested in his technology. It’s decades ahead of anything I’ve seen or read about. I’m not even sure how it could possibly even work. I mean, how do you measure homosexuality?” Twilight pondered.

“Reminds me; did you really mean what you said about all of us being attractive?” Pinkie Pie asked, leaning over with a wide grin and waggling her eyebrows.

The metaphorical hamster running on the wheel in Twilight’s brain suddenly suffered from a seizure. “I… u-uh,” the unicorn stammered, so much blood pumping into her face that it resembled a cherry.

“Pinkie, now is not the time for that!” Rarity spat, glaring at the party pony.

“What, I’m just asking; you were thinking it too,” Pinkie said, lightly elbowing Rarity with a wink.

“Well, the question had crossed my mind,” she admitted, “but I was polite enough to resist the temptation to voice it.”

“I’m kind of curious, too,” Fluttershy confessed, her face turning red. “I mean… some ponies have called me cute, but not attractive.”

Twilight’s eyes darted around the room as if there were some escape from the inevitable conversation besides actually running away. “I… well, yeah. You’re all really, really pretty, I think,” the unicorn mumbled.

“I’m flattered, darling,” Rarity said, flipping her mane with a smile.

“Thank you,” Fluttershy whispered, hiding behind her mane.

“Pretty? Please, I’m sexy and I know it!” Pinkie hopped from her seat and shook her hips. “Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah!” she chanted as her rear did just that.

Twilight felt as if her head was about to pop. Her eyes were filled with bouncing bubblegum pink and absolutely refused to budge.

“O-oh my,” Fluttershy stammered, her face brightening up.

“Pinkie Pie, stop that this instant!” Rarity barked as she covered her eyes, her own alabaster cheeks turning red.

“Why? I’m just shaking what my momma gave me!” Pinkie giggled.

“I doubt your mother would exactly approve at such an act of exhibitionism,” Rarity spat.

“What does that mean?” the party pony asked innocently as she added strutting around the room to her lewd routine.

“It means that I don’t think your mother would like you shaking your plot like a pair of maracas!” she hissed as she tore her hooves away from her eyes.

Pinkie Pie abruptly stopped. “Hm…” she hummed to herself as her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth. She looked at her rear contemplatively and raised it before giving it a shake, earning the sound of a pair of shaking maracas for her trouble. The party pony brightened up and giggled, giving her hips another good shake and getting the same sound.

Rarity’s eye twitched. “How did you–” She shook her head. “Never mind, don’t question it; that line of questioning leads to madness.”

Fluttershy leaned over and gave the fashionista a pat on the shoulder, wrapping her wing behind her head. “It’s okay, Rarity; it’s Pinkie Pie. We all know how frustrating it can be,” she assured.

Either ignoring, not noticing, or reveling in the unicorn’s grief, Pinkie Pie looked over her shoulder and said, “Hiya, Dashie! Look what I can do!” She giggled and wriggled her rump back and forth and up and down, playing it like a musical instrument.

Twilight blinked and snapped out of her stupor to look at the approaching Rainbow Dash, Nurse Redheart following close behind. The pegasus was walking with a bit of a limp and she occasionally gasped in pain, yet for some reason she had a big smile on her face.

“Yeah, that’s cool, Pinkie,” the pegasus said, walking right past the presented and shaking plot as if she didn’t even notice it before sitting down next to Twilight.

Redheart blushed and averted her eyes away from the pink party pony and her bouncing bubblegum butt. “Dash is as good as new, or will be in a few days. Who’s up next?” she asked, looking hopefully at Rarity and Fluttershy.

The two mares exchanged a look, and Rarity jerked her head in Redheart’s direction. “I-I guess I will, Nurse Readheart,” Fluttershy said, sliding off her seat and trotting over to the nurse’s side.

“Your injuries look minimal, so this won’t take long,” Redheart assured before she turned around and trotted away. “Follow me.”

Fluttershy obeyed, letting out a small meep when Pinkie’s rump swung close to her face from her wild playing. She sped up to a canter to catch up with the nurse, only sparing a small glance back.

The only sound in the room was Pinkie prancing around and playing her pealing posterior. Twilight much preferred the awkward silence to the even more awkward noise.

“So, Rainbow Dash, what are you so happy about?” Rarity asked, leaning over to look at the battered pegasus.

“Oh, nothing,” she replied coyly, her grin widening. “Nothing at all.”

“You look like the cat who just swallowed the canary and got away with it,” Rarity deadpanned. “Surely something must have happened.”

“Well, if you must know,” the pegasus started with a stretch and a happy sigh, “I’ve got a date.”

Both mares’ eyebrows almost launched into the stratosphere. “A date?” they asked in unison.

“Mhm,” Rainbow Dash nodded, looking over her hoof. “With Nurse Redheart.”

“But I thought you said you weren’t a filly fooler,” Twilight pointed out.

“Eh, I’ve said a lot of things,” she brushed off. “I’m a filly fooler; so what? I’m still the coolest pegasus around, and I’m still gonna be a Wonderbolt someday. It doesn’t matter if it’s stallions or mares hanging off my forelegs as I lead them to my place.”

Twilight blushed a bit at the mental image while Rarity beamed. “That’s wonderful, dear! I’m so glad you’ve finally accepted it,” the fashionista gushed.

Rainbow Dash chuckled and elbowed the purple unicorn next to her. “What about you, egghead? You ready to admit your filly fooling ways?”

“A-already have,” she stammered, avoiding eye contact and Pinkie’s prancing plot. “As I said before you got back, I find all of you really pretty.”

“Who do you think is prettiest?” the pegasus asked, smirking and cocking an eyebrow.

If Twilight’s brain were to be likened to a factory, all the assembly lines screeched to a halt, all of the workers had simultaneous heart attacks, and the building spontaneously burst into merry flames. “I…I…Uh…”

“Rainbow Dash, that isn’t any of our business,” Rarity said, casting a stern look at the pegasus.

“What, you aren’t curious too?” Rainbow asked.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I was going to ask it,” the fashionista huffed. “One simply does not ask a pony who is prettier than who.”

“Well, I just did,” Rainbow shot back. “So, who is it, Twilight?”

The librarian’s eye twitched as words just started flowing out of her mouth. “Well, Rainbow Dash is very athletic and confident. Sometimes overly pompous, but confidence is good. Confidence is sexy. The way her messy mane says ‘you’re here to impress me, not the other way around’ is sexy too. Also a very good plot, despite flying everywhere.”

The pegasus blushed up a storm and stammered, “Um, Twilight, I’m right here you know.”

“Pinkie Pie is always energetic and fun to be around. She can get annoying at times, but it’s never too bad. A bit on the chubby side, but she makes it work and the fat goes to all the right places. I’m not really into curly hair, though. Knows how to strut her stuff and could probably pull an all-nighter,” Twilight rambled on, her gaze in a faraway place.

“Aw, thanks Twilight,” Pinkie giggled before focusing on her music practice once more.

“Darling, I think you may be saying a bit too much,” Rarity cautioned.

“Rarity’s definitely pretty in the traditional sense. Bouncy, perfectly combed mane; well-kept teeth; nice, tight plot,” Twilight continued to rant. “She wears really good perfume, too, and just the way she walks says ‘come and get me, I haven’t got all day.’ The way she just flutters her eyelashes when she really wants something makes my heart skip a beat every time.”

“O-oh dear,” Rarity gasped. “I think we broke Twilight.”

“Happy to report that Fluttershy will be better by morning,” Redheart announced as she trotted back in with the yellow pegasus following close behind.

“Th-thank you, Nurse Redheart,” she said softly with a smile.

“Fluttershy is really cute,” Twilight said, not even acknowledging that the pegasus was there. “Cute smile, cute mane, cute voice, cute eyes… oh, those eyes. I have no idea how much I get lost in them. Oh, and a very cute plot, too. I could stare at either end of her forever.” The unicorn let out a giggle that sounded more than a bit unhinged given the circumstances.

“Oh…oh my,” Fluttershy stammered, her face turning bright red.

“Nurse Tenderheart says Ah’m all patched up and ready to go,” Applejack proudly announced as she strode in, said nurse not far behind. “Why’s everypony staring at Twilight?”

“Applejack… oh, where would I even start with her?” Twilight wondered aloud. “Those freckles of hers are just absolutely adorable, not to mention her accent. I also love the way she does her mane and tail. And oh, that plot! I think hers is my favorite. It’s so muscular and ripples in a way I can’t even describe right before she kicks out against a tree.”

The cowpony’s eyes grew wide as her jaw dropped and her face recolored itself to resemble her cutie mark. “Why, Twilight… Ah had no idea that you–”

Twilight shook her head rapidly like a dog drying itself off and her gaze refocused. “Sorry I took so long to think that out; I guess if I really had to choose, I’d say–” Her answer died in her throat when she noticed all the widened eyes, slacked jaws and blushing cheeks around her. “Um… why is everypony looking at me?”

Rarity cleared her throat. “Dear, you weren’t thinking it out; you said all of that out loud.”

The metaphorical factory fell into a collapsing star. “A…all of it?” she squeaked, her pupils dilating.

Rarity nodded wordlessly.

Several eternities disguised as seconds passed in total, crushing silence as the unicorn’s eyes darted between all of her friends and the two nurses in attendance. Sweat started forming on her brow and she bit her lip so hard it started to bleed. Her posture collapsed as she hunched down, trying to hide from their eyes.

“Ahah, well, it was nice going on an adventure with you all, but I really should be checking in on Spike, bye!” she spit out rapid-fire as her horn glowed. A flash of light later and the unicorn was gone.

The clock ticked thunderously in the gathered mares’ ears, or would have were it not for Pinkie’s miraculous maraca-rump.

“Going on an adventure? Is that what she’s calling it now?” Rarity asked with a small giggle.

“She can call it whatever she likes as long as she gives it a try with one of us,” Applejack said, her face still bright red.

“Or all of us,” the dancing Pinkie Pie suggested.

“For Celestia’s sake, Pinkie, that’s revolting,” Rarity scolded.

“I didn’t mean at the same time!” The party pony froze in mid hip-swing and said, “Or did I? I can’t remember.” She gave a small shrug before resuming her dance, the other four blushing in the wake of her comment.

“I think you girls should all get going before one of my patients chokes on the sexual tension in the air,” Redheart suggested, looking at each of the girls in turn. “You all need your bed rest, anyway.”

Fluttershy yawned, covering her mouth with her hoof. “It is pretty late… or, well, early at this point, I guess.”

“There’s no way Ah’m gonna get enough sleep for applebuckin’ at sunrise, but Ah might as well try,” Applejack said, yawning as well and walking toward the front door.

Rarity yawned herself as she followed. “So many orders to fill out, so little time.”

The yawn spread over to Rainbow Dash as she trotted after them. “There’s no way I’m not sleeping in…”

Pinkie Pie yawned as well as she pranced over to the others. “I guess I can practice my new musical caboose routine tomorrow.”

The five mares said their farewells and thanks to the two sisters and left. Fluttershy stopped for a moment and turned back. “Um… please let me know if Insano is okay? I’m a little bit worried about him.”

“Don’t worry; he’s in good hooves,” Tenderheart assured. “You get some sleep.”

Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “Thank you both again.”

“You’re welcome,” Redheart called after her as the door closed. She let out a relieved sigh before she dragged her hooves back to her station and guzzled the last of her coffee, which had grown cold by that point. “I don’t even have a single gray hair in my mane, and I already feel too old for this.”

“Look on the bright side,” Tenderheart said as she trotted back to her rounds, “at least Berry Punch and Colgate fell asleep.”

Redheart shot a glare at her giggling sister’s receding rump and grumbled to herself, “It’s just gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?”

Where I Expect To Lose Readers

Dear Princess Celestia,

Sorry if the arrival of this letter wakes you, but this is very urgent. Earlier this evening, there was an explosion in the Everfree Forest. Naturally, the other Element Bearers and I went to investigate, because really, is anypony else going to? Sometimes I think that we’re the only ponies in this town who get anything done.

Regardless, long story short, we found that the source of the explosion: a unicorn stallion scientist by the name of Doctor Insano. He said that the explosion was caused by one of his teleportation experiments gone awry. The concept fascinates me, to be honest. Unicorns can learn teleportation spells, of course, but what if it could be done through machines like he claims it can? It would revolutionize travel and communication as we know it!

Sorry, rambling again. Anyway, this Insano stallion claimed to be from the desert, so I assumed he was from the south. He was pretty tight lipped about the specifics of his origins, however, like what city he’s from or his birthday. He also speaks in this odd dialect; it’s hard to put into words. The most glaring thing I’ve noticed is that he pronounces the B-word with an F. At least, I assume that’s what he’s trying to say; “fuck” and “fucking” are nonsense words otherwise. Regardless, not only is he supremely suspicious, but he shows signs of both megalomania and regular mania, along with a willingness to kill if given provocation.

All of that would be cause for concern on its own. However, he is apparently an avid inventor, and his technology is unlike anything I have ever seen before. For one, he wears a pair of odd goggles that not only shoots something that he calls a death ray (I’ve seen it in action, and it does as the name suggests) but also hook into his nervous system and allow him to see. He is apparently totally blind naturally, you see. He also has an anti-magic field generator the size of a grapefruit that floats without any readily apparent means of propulsion, and a device which detects and measures homosexuality. He can also store his inventions through means I have yet to discern. He just looks at them, they disassemble before his eyes, and the parts just vanish into thin air.

It may sound crazy, but I swear to you every word of this is true. His inventions are so advanced that they don’t obey the laws of physics or logic as we know them. I don’t know who he is, but I think he may be a very serious threat. I’ve never heard of this colt before; if you have, please provide me any information on him that you have. I have a feeling our lives are about to get a little more insane.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: Spike here. She left this out of the letter, but she totally came to terms with the fact that she’s a filly fooler tonight. This gaydar thing that this Insano guy invented apparently picked her out and forced her to confess in front of all her friends. Tell Princess Luna that she owes us both a hundred bits, each.

It was dark. Of course it was dark – Insano was motherfucking blind. His other senses worked, though, and at much higher capacity than they naturally would thanks to his implants. He could hear footsteps going through the hall outside, or hoofsteps, he supposed, given the planet’s dominant species. He could smell cleaning products and copious amounts of disinfectant. He took small comfort in the fact the stench of death wasn’t in the mix. He could feel his restraints digging into where his ankles and wrists should have been, and tightly wound gauze around his head. None of it got his mind off of the fact he couldn’t see.

The darkness felt familiar, like he had come home. But “home” was a four letter word, and he treated it as such. He hated it. He never wanted to go back there again. Yet there he was, trapped in the cloying void without light or color. Trapped behind his own useless, broken eyes.

The scientist snarled and struggled against his bonds, only to get the same result he’d gotten on every other attempt: jack shit.

“Goddamn harlots,” he cursed to himself. “I’ll pour cleaning products down their fucking throats until they belch fumes out both ends from the chemical reactions.”

His eyes twitched behind their gauze coverings with every tick and tock of the clock. Every one was a grain of sand slipping through his grasp, a single second gone that he could have been spending doing something productive, or at the very least entertainingly destructive.

“Now now, Insano, calm down,” he coaxed himself. “How to pass the time… I guess I could review the facts so far. Fact number one: I’m apparently now a motherfucking unicorn.” He sighed and banged the back of his head against his pillow. “This list is off to a great start.”

He shook his head and continued. “Fact number two: This world’s dominant sentient species is equine in nature. Three varieties seen thus far: normal equines, pegasi, and unicorns. Fact number three: Unicorns can use magic. Conclusion drawn from facts one and three: I should also be able to cast magic.”

He paused and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. He organized the insanity in his mind into the most dangerous thing a psychopath could possibly have: focus. The madness didn’t cease to be madness; he just directed the cacophony into a discordant symphony of tamed chaos. He felt a tingling in his horn, and heard the same soft humming he heard coming from the purple unicorn mare’s horn when she used her levitation ability. He was quickly drained, though; the tingling faded away and the humming died, leaving him breathless.

“Apparently these powers are like a muscle: if not exercised, they will weaken and be more taxing to use,” he panted. “I’ll have to find a way to practice at a later date.”

He let himself rest for a few moments to catch his breath before continuing to think aloud. “Fact number four: I am in some village called Ponyville. Conclusion: the founders had the imaginations of soggy cardboard, and I doubt their descendents are much better. Fact number five: inhabitants refer to someone called ‘Celestia’ in the place where someone like me would use God. Fact number six: this Celestia is also apparently a princess. Conclusion drawn from facts five and six: they worship this Princess Celestia as a deity of some sort. Further conclusion: this nation, whatever it is, is ruled by a theocratic monarchy to some capacity. Pfeh, just my luck I ended up in a country with the single most anti-science form of government imaginable.” He paused as a thought struck him. “Though that doesn’t explain why they would worship the princess and not the queen or king… most unusual; I’ll need to do research later.”

His brainstorming session came to a screeching halt when he heard hoofsteps outside his door right before it opened. “You won’t be doing any research for a few days, I’m afraid,” came the voice of that one mare. Nurse Tenderheart, if he remembered right.

“Give me back my goggles, you bitch,” he snarled, pulling once more against his restraints.

“Do you really think that an attitude like that is going to convince me to give you back your weapons?” she asked as her hoofsteps came next to his bed.

“I don’t give a fuck, flying or otherwise, about my weapons,” he spat. “I just want to see again. I hate the dark. I hate being blind. I hate being fucking defective!”

He pulled harder at his bonds, rattling his gurney as the nurse stood silently by his side. He kept snarling and cursing at her until his rage and his energy ebbed once more, leaving him motionless aside from his panting.

“You are not defective,” Tenderheart said softly, pity obvious in her voice. Pity. Another four letter word.

“I don’t need your fucking pity,” he growled. “You sound like my goddamn mother, both you and your whore of a sister. Fuck, everyone I’ve met today sounds like that useless old hag.”

“How so?” the nurse asked. He heard the soft thump of flesh against tile; apparently she sat down.

“Oh no, you’re not getting me to open up about my feelings or some shit. Take your pity and shove it up your ass.” He spat in her general direction, hoping that it hit her right in the eye.

He heard her foreleg wipe across her face as she said, “Huh, I didn’t think I’d hear that old racial slur against donkeys in this day and age.”

“Racial slur against–” He groaned and banged his head against his pillow. “Of fucking course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Silence fell between the two like a wall. He waited and waited for the soft clack of hooves to signal her departure, but it didn’t come.

“The hell do you want?” he mumbled.

“I was hoping to calm you down a bit, at the very least so you didn’t want to kill anypony anymore,” Tenderheart admitted.

“Well, you did a fan-fucking-tastic job,” he said. “You only made me want to kill you more than ever.”

“Why? Because I brought up your mother?” she asked. “She sounds like a nice mare.”

“My mother was a fucking harpy!” he shrieked. “Always toadying about, telling me that my defect was no big deal and that I was just fine the way I was while at the same time thinking I needed help with goddamn everything. She was a stupid bitch and if there is a hell, I hope her soul is rotting in it.”

“That was a bit foolish of her; you seem very capable,” she said.

“Damn right I am,” Insano scoffed. “I’m a genius. Yet because of these goddamn useless eyes of mine, she always thought I was weak and needed protecting from the big bad world outside. Everyone did.”

“Even your father?” she asked.

“He wasn’t as bad, but he still treated me like I was a fragile little snowflake or some other such shit,” he admitted.

“So you built those goggles to get rid of your defect,” she reasoned.

He chuckled. “Yes, I did. I overcame my defect through the power of my mind and the might of science! I can engineer away any weakness or flaw if I set my mind to it, and one of these days I will achieve perfection.”

“Perfection? That’s a mighty lofty goal, doctor,” she said, her tone impressed instead of condescending like he expected.

“If there’s anyone in this wide, wide universe who will attain it, it sure as hell is going to be me,” he said, a wicked grin crossing his lips.

“I have no doubt of that, Doctor Insano. Now, if you don’t mind, I have other patients to attend to.” The soft clack of hooves on tile started and the door opened since he no longer was waiting of it. He tuned his ears in and heard Tenderheart speaking to somebody else. “I think I’ve calmed him down a bit, sis. He’s all yours.”

“Clever bitch,” he mumbled under his breath as the full weight of what he’d divulged hit him. He couldn’t help but smile a bit, however. “Damn clever.”

The door opened again along with the sound of clacking hooves, though this time it was also accompanied by the sound of wheels. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite troublemaker. Enjoying the sedatives, doctor?” Nurse Redheart asked as she pulled up next to him.

“You’re lucky I’m still weakened, or I’d introduce you to a world where pain is God and I am pope,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, that’s nice,” she dismissed. “I’ve been in contact with hospitals all across Equestria trying to find your medical records, Doctor Insano. And funnily enough, your name doesn’t come up in any of them. I even asked the clinic in Appleoosa, since Miss Sparkle said that you claimed to be from down south, and they’d never heard of you. Don’t you think that’s odd?”

“I never said which desert I was from; that girl just assumed it was the one to the south,” Insano corrected.

“And I must say,” she continued, “it was pretty hard looking for your records when I couldn’t even tell them if you were legally a mare or a stallion.”

“I’m male, you stupid bitch,” he growled.

“See, the clitoris I can plainly see between your legs right now somewhat puts that into doubt,” Redheart deadpanned.

The scientist struggled against his bonds anew, his jaw snapping in the nurse’s general direction as if he had a realistic chance of biting her throat out. “I. Am. A. Man!” he shrieked.

“I see,” she said calmly. “Gender dysphoria. I take it you haven’t seen anypony to get the change done yet?”

“All surgical techniques available are a load of hack job bullshit, quite frankly,” he snarled. “I’ll perform it myself once I can perfect it!”

“No need to be so hostile,” she assured. “Equestrians tend to be very accepting of transsexuals, though I admit female-to-male isn’t that common.”

Insano only gave a scowl in response.

“All the same, no medical records for you anywhere here in Equestria. Not even a birth certificate,” Redheart said. “Quite frankly, doctor, that means you’re an illegal alien.”

“Then give me back my goggles and deport me,” he spat. “Just as long as I get my sight back, I don’t give a damn.”

“Luckily for you, Equestria does not deport aliens,” she explained smugly. “All immigrants, whether they go through the system first or not, are fully allowed to become citizens. However, before I can let you leave this room, I need to get you properly vaccinated to preserve the herd immunity. You’re a doctor, I’m sure you understand.”

The mare clapped her hooves together twice and Insano’s bonds shifted under him. The colt squirmed as he felt himself being lifted up in the air and flipped onto his front. “Wh-what the fuck?!”

“Enchanted gurney,” she said. “Makes it so we don’t have to actually come near problem patients like you to flip them over.” There was a clatter on a metal tray. “Now, hold your pasty plot still; this is going to sting, and we’ve got a lot of shots to get through.”

“I’ll get you back for this!” he snarled as he squirmed against his restraints, which only tightened.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” she cooed. “This’ll hurt me a lot more than it’ll hurt you.”

It didn’t.

Insert Witicism Here, For I Can't Think of One

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I think you were right to be concerned. I keep close track of the march of technological progress, and I’ve never heard of anything like what this Doctor Insano has either. In fact, I expressly forbade the progress of weapons technology to the level that you described. Equestria is a peaceful nation and we have no need for such advanced killing machines. His goggles that help the blind see, however, I am very interested in. If this colt were to apply his gifts for the betterment of ponykind instead of making faster ways to kill, I have a feeling we would make leaps and bounds like never before.

As for the stallion himself, as you probably have guessed, I had not heard of him before your letter. That such a brilliant scientist could invent such advanced technology without my knowledge is more than a bit worrisome. The invention of something like this death ray is beyond illegal, and I fear that if he has ties to the criminal underworld, these weapons are now on the streets. The royal guard and other law enforcement would be grievously outmatched by such weaponry.

Princess Luna and I are both preoccupied with our royal duties (mostly placating nobles by pretending to listen to their ludicrous requests and power grabs), but I will move my schedule around to make time for a visit to Ponyville to meet this colt within the week. If I need to arrest him, I will. For now, keep a very close eye on him and make sure he doesn’t cause any damage. If you need to, enlist your friends on this endeavor. If need be, consider this a royal mandate.

Your mentor,

Princess Celestia

P.S.: Tell Spike that he’ll get what he’s owed when I arrive. He’ll know what I mean.

“Do we really have to do this?” Rainbow Dash groaned as she trotted down the hall of the clinic. She was being lead along by the metaphorical balls by Fluttershy along with Applejack, the two mares flanking and walking slightly behind the yellow pegasus as if they were her entourage.

“Yes, you do,” Fluttershy said in the tone of a mother scolding her children. “You two basically tore out his eyes, and you heard Nurse Redheart: he lost so much blood it’s a miracle he didn’t die. You could’ve killed him.”

“He said he was going to kill everypony and turned to Redheart. What was I supposed to do, let him zap her with that death ray of his?” she asked.

“Sugarcube, Dash does have a point,” Applejack admitted.

“See? I’m not the only pony here with some sense,” Rainbow said.

“But so does Fluttershy,” the cowpony added. “We did what we had ta do, but that doesn’t mean we should be all high and mighty about it. Ta be honest, Ah feel downright awful for the poor colt.”

“What part of ‘he tried to kill us’ do you not get?” Rainbow Dash half asked, half growled.

Fluttershy stopped in her tracks and wheeled around, looking her fellow pegasus in the eye with a glare that could make oceans part before her in fear. “Rainbow Dash, he had plenty of opportunities to kill us. He could have killed us in the woods or at any point on the way home. He only tried to hurt us when we tried to take away his goggles, which the poor stallion needs to see. He may be a huge jerk, but so are you sometimes and we love you anyway, so you will swallow your pride and apologize to him, understood?”

“Y-yes ma’am!” Rainbow Dash squeaked.

“Good.” Fluttershy turned back around with a small huff and trotted down the hall like she not only owned the place, but the place was her bitch.

Applejack hung back with the frozen cyan pegasus and let out a small whistle. “Shy can sure be scary when she wants ta be, can’t she?”

Rainbow Dash steadied her quaking legs; no easy feat, since they felt about as sturdy as pillars of latex. “Yeah, I guess,” she said with more apathy than she actually had as she followed Fluttershy once more.

The yellow pegasus softly knocked on the door to the room where they were told Insano resided. “Doctor Insano? It’s me, Flutter–”

“I know who it is,” the scientist called back. “And I know who’s with you. Go the fuck away.”

Fluttershy flinched, her ears drooping. Applejack put a reassuring hoof on her withers and said, “Look, we just came ta apologize. We feel really rotten about how we treated ya last night, and we wanted ta come and say we’re sorry.”

“I don’t,” Rainbow Dash mumbled, earning a quick kick to the side from Applejack. “Ow!”

“If I find a fuck for me to give, I’ll send it by mail,” he sneered. “Right now, I’m fresh out. I expect to get more on the fifth of never.”

“Look, pal,” Rainbow Dash snapped, “I really don’t care what happens to you, you plothole! But Fluttershy cared enough about you to drag our plots here and spend her own bits to get you flowers; I don’t care if you forgive me or whatever, but you will be nice to her!”

There were several long seconds of silence. Fluttershy gave a look to Rainbow Dash that plainly said she was confused about whether to be angry for yelling at him, or thankful for standing up for her. Applejack just gave the cyan pegasus a look of approval.

“Fine; get in here,” Insano spat.

Fluttershy’s confusion abated and she whispered, “Thank you.” Rainbow Dash just smiled back as Fluttershy opened the door and stepped inside, the other two mares following close behind.

The scientist was still bound to the gurney, lying on his back. His side was bandaged from the huge gash he’d gotten from the timber wolves, and his head from the nose up was covered in blood-soaked gauze. His plot was also covered in Band-Aids for some reason, causing Rainbow Dash to crack up.

“What happened to your plot?” the stunt flyer asked, trying not to laugh.

“Nurse Reheart vaccinated me with great gusto,” he grumbled. “Harpy enjoyed it, too. I hate nurses; glad I got rid of mine.”

“She was just doing what was best for you,” Fluttershy said softly as she approached the foot of the bed. Her face suddenly turned as red as one of her robins as her eyes were drawn downward. “Oh… oh my.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and trotted up next to her. “Come on, Fluttershy, I know you’re shy, but you’ve seen a sheath before. Everypony’s naked. He can’t be that big, can–” Her words died in her throat when her gaze matched Fluttershy’s. “You’re a mare?!”

“Yes, that’s right, everyone gawk at the fucking freak who was able to engineer everything into a proper male’s body except the genitals,” Insano sneered.

Applejack hung back, blushing herself and refusing to look. “So, you’re one of those trans folks, then?” she asked.

“Yes, I am,” he spat. “The hell does it matter to you? Are you going to laugh at me? I know you fucking want to.”

“No, Ah don’t,” Applejack said firmly, looking Insano in the eye if she could see them through the gauze. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Three of my cousins are trans, and Ah love ‘em just the way they are.”

“We’re just a bit… surprised, is all,” Fluttershy said softly, looking away. “Sex change magic doesn’t usually leave anything out of the transformation.”

“Magic? I became this way through the power of science, you cretins!” He paused and asked, “Wait, sex change magic? That’s a thing?”

“Um, yeah, duh. I know a pony or two who had the spell cast on them,” Rainbow Dash said. “Hay, I know this one pony from flight school that’s switched several times. Were you born under a rock?”

“As I said, I live in the middle of the goddamn desert; I don’t know anything about magic,” he said.

“What?!” the three mares asked in unison.

“Partner, a unicorn that don’t know a thing about magic is like a fish not knowing how to swim,” Applejack said, her jaw slack.

“Or a pegasus that doesn’t know how to fly!” Rainbow added, waving her forelegs in the air.

“Your parents never taught you?” Fluttershy asked.

“No, they didn’t,” he said flatly. “I’ve wanted to learn for quite a while, but nobody’s ever wanted to teach me.”

“Maybe you could ask Twilight?” Applejack suggested. “She’s always happy to teach ponies anything she knows.”

“And gab about it for ages,” Dash added with a roll of her eyes.

“Once the harpy twins that run this place let me fucking leave, I will,” Insano said. “For now, you said you had flowers for me? I smell tulips, daisies, and forget-me-nots.”

“Yes, we do; good nose,” Fluttershy said with a smile as she reached into her saddlebags. She pulled the bouquet out with a wider grin. “I thought you could use a little break from the hospital food, so I brought these for you.”

“Ah, right, herbivores,” Insano mumbled under his breath, though it appeared as if Rainbow Dash was the only one who heard him. “How much did they cost you? I’ll pay you back later.”

“No, please, they’re a gift,” Fluttershy said as she set them on his bedside table.

“How sweet of you,” Insano drawled with disinterest, earning a glare from Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

“You’re welcome,” Fluttershy said with a smile, not noticing or ignoring Insano’s tone.

“As for you two,” Insano started, “don’t bother. Apology not fucking accepted.”

“But you didn’t even let us say it yet!” Rainbow Dash balked

“You already made it clear you wouldn’t really mean it,” he spat. “And you, you country hick, still helped her make blood spurt out my head like a fucking faucet. Now get out, all of you.”

Fluttershy cringed, a look of hurt plain on her face as she softly said, “Okay. Let’s go, girls.” She trotted towards the door, her head hung low.

Applejack sighed as she turned to leave. Her head hung low and her ears flat against her head, she said, “For what it’s worth, Ah really am sorry.”

Rainbow Dash just snorted as she cantered to the door.

The three were about to leave when Insano said behind them, “And I guess… thanks for being so concerned for my welfare. You’re pretty much the first ones in years to actually give a damn about me.”

Rainbow Dash stopped in her tracks along with the other two. While her ears just flattened, her two friends each smiled and said “You’re welcome, Doctor Insano,” and “You’re welcome, partner.” The shy pegasus and the cowpony left, while Rainbow Dash stood frozen in the door for a few more seconds.

“The hell are you waiting for? Get the fuck out of my sight. Oh wait, I can’t see because of you,” he barked.

She shook her head as if to shake off her thoughts. “Fine, fine, I’m leaving.” She added under her breath, “Bucking plothole,” as she galloped to catch up with her friends, not bothering to close the door.

“That went better than Ah expected,” Applejack admitted as Rainbow Dash came up beside her.

“And what exactly did you expect?” the cyan pegasus asked, cocking an eyebrow. “He was still a complete plothole who swore every other word.”

“Yeah, but Ah expected him to break through his restraints and try to lay a beat down for taking away his goggles,” she said flatly. “He snapped through my rope like it was nothin’ last night. That stallion can seriously be strong when he’s backed into a corner, it looks like.”

“Then why hasn’t he just broken out of here? He obviously doesn’t like it here. Hay, I don’t think he likes anything,” Rainbow Dash said with a roll of her eyes.

“I thought he was kind of sad,” Fluttershy said.

Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “How do you figure, sugarcube?”

“Yeah, he looked as angry as ever,” Dash added.

“It’s just the way he was laying; I’ve seen it before, when an animal’s been caught in a trap for so long that they’ve given up struggling,” she explained, her ears laid flat against her head. “I think he feels lonely… maybe even a little homesick."

“Or he may just be waiting for something, or planning something,” Dash mused under her breath.

“Rainbow, now yer just bein’ paranoid,” Applejack huffed.

“I’m being smart; no matter how depressed or whatever he is, he’s still dangerous,” Dash said, narrowing her eyes. “Hope for the best, expect the worst.”

“Get that from a Daring Do novel, sugarcube?” Applejack asked coyly, flicking the tip of her tail against the pegasus’ nose.

“Yeah, so?” she snapped back, blushing and looking away.

Before the cowpony could answer, they’d reached the front of the building.

“How’d it go?” Tenderheart asked from behind the front desk.

“He was a bit snippy, but he thanked us for coming,” Fluttershy said with a smile so sweet that it could inflict diabetes.

“You didn’t tell us he was trans,” Rainbow Dash said, casting an accusing gaze the nurse’s way.

“Does it matter?” Tenderheart asked with a raised brow that said “ball’s in your court.”

“Of course not,” the pegasus answered, puffing up her chest. “It’s just a shock to walk in expecting sausage and instead seeing a taco, you know?”

“Dash, please don’t compare privates to food ever again,” Applejack begged, her face creating an interesting collage of the orange of her fur, the red of her blushing, and the green of her nausea. “Ah had a taco for lunch and Ah’d prefer if it stayed on the inside of my hide.”

The stunt flyer smirked like a cat going in for the kill. “What, not comfortable talking about carrots and peaches? Bean stalks and honey pots? Bananas and meat muffins? Sugar sticks and–”

“Say another word and Ah’ll kick you to the buckin’ moon!” Applejack snarled, pressing her face against Rainbow Dash’s before the pegasus fell over laughing her tail off. Fluttershy couldn’t help but giggle herself, though behind her foreleg.

“I can see why my sister agreed to a date with you,” Tenderheart said with a smile and roll of her eyes. “Anyway, I didn’t really think it was important to mention.” Her motherly smile turned sly. “Unless, of course, him having a clitoris changes your feelings about him, Miss Filly Fooler.”

Rainbow Dash’s hysterics screeched to a halt and she screeched herself, “Buck no!”

A devious smile crossed Applejack’s lips. “You sure, sugarcube? When you spotted his honey pot, you looked mighty impressed.”

“I did not!” she shouted, scrambling back onto all fours and looking the cowpony in the eye.

“Then why’re your wings erect?” Applejack asked, her grin threatening to eat those freckles of hers.

Rainbow Dash gasped and blushed brightly, slamming her wings back to her sides. “This again? I keep telling you, wingboners are just a myth!”

“Not completely; pegasi wings flare up involuntarily due to sudden rushes of strong emotions, like anger, surprise, fear, or lust,” Tenderheart corrected.

“Okay, fine, sure, but I’m pretty angry that anypony would suggest that I would ever have the hots for a plothole like Insano!” the pegasus insisted, glaring at Applejack.

The cowpony started prancing toward the exit, singing, “Rainbow and Insano, sittin’ in a tree! B-U-C-K-I-N-”

Before she could finish, she broke out into a gallop as the pegasus flew after her. “Say another word and I’ll shove the biggest apple I can find up your plot!”

“Ya gotta catch me first, sugarcube!” the cowpony called back with a laugh.

Fluttershy shook her head with a smile before trotting after them. “I’ll make sure they don’t get hurt. Thanks again for letting us visit him, Nurse Tenderheart!”

“No problem; have a nice day, and stay safe!” she called after the yellow pegasus’ receding plot. Nice view, Tenderheart had to admit.

The clinic was pretty quiet for a while afterward. The clock ticked, time passed, the sisters changed stations every few hours. Nothing but the usual monotony of checking on patients, manning the front desk, then checking on patients again.

It was on Tenderheart’s shift on the front desk that the monotony was broken. She was treated to the sight of a certain grey coated, walleyed mare frantically bursting into the clinic with her injured younger daughter on her back. The young unicorn’s face was covered in gashes as she sobbed, her blood dripping down from her coat onto her mother’s.

“Nurse Tenderheart!” Derpy panted, her chest heaving as she cantered to the front desk. “Please help Dinky! Sh-she was practicing her magic, and tried to levitate a glass. I thought she could handle it, b-but it exploded in her face, and…and…!”

Tenderheart nuzzled the distraught pegasus. “Don’t worry; we’ll take care of it.” She turned around and called, “Sis, we need a gurney! Glass shards to the face, small filly!”

“You got it!” her sister called back. Redheart appeared in record time, pushing the gurney along. Tenderheart helped Derpy ease her sobbing daughter onto the gurney before Redheart wheeled her off.

“Will she be okay?” the fretting mother whimpered.

“We’ll do our best,” Tenderheart assured, nuzzling Derpy once more before turning around and bolting after her sister.

Her gallop came to a screeching halt when a male voice called out, “Hey, Tenderheart, I think I can help you with your little problem!”

The nurse looked to see that she had stopped outside of Insano’s room. The door was ajar for some reason, but that wasn’t the first thing on her mind. “What are you talking about?”

“That filly of yours; glass shrapnel, yes? Very delicate and dangerous stuff, and I don’t think either of you are proper surgeons,” he continued with a grin that spelled out “trouble” in neon with fanfare and fireworks.

“No, we aren’t. All we can really do is stop the bleeding as best we can and then ship her off to a hospital in Canterlot,” she admitted, her ears flattening.

“Well, I happen to be schooled in surgery,” he said proudly. “Just give me my goggles back, and I’ll operate.”

“Sis, where are you?” Redheart asked from down the hall.

“Just a second!” Tenderheart called back before turning her attention back to Insano. “And why should I? A surgeon in Canterlot would be just as good as you and be a lot more trustworthy.”

“Oh, you wound me,” he mewled, his manure-eating grin not fading in the slightest. “The thing is, though, my goggles have the capability of x-ray vision. I could spot every single glass shard and get them out before they do any real damage.”

“I don’t have time to bargain with you!” Tenderheart snapped. “If we don’t act fast, any shards in Dinky’s eyes may cause her to go blind.” She took a step forward, but she noticed Insano’s smile fade.

“Give me my goggles,” he said, his tone suddenly that of a stallion with a purpose instead of a Cheshire cat.

Tenderheart shook her head and took another step.

“I said give me my goggles!” Insano roared, pulling at his restraints. “I don’t give a fuck if you trust me or not, but I am not going to let that little girl grow up like I did!”

Tenderheart looked back at the struggling unicorn. The gurney was rocking back and forth like it never had before, his struggles much more violent than when he had tried to escape to freedom before.

After several seconds of silence, she said, “Fine. I’ll go get you your goggles; stay here.” She galloped off to the storage room where they kept confiscated items. “I just hope I don’t regret this…”

Devil on the Doorstep

Silence reigned in the operating room, save for the hum of magic as Insano did his work. The bin where he deposited bloodstained shards of glass was growing ever fuller as he extracted them from Dinky Doo’s face. The unicorn foal was out cold due to anesthesia, while the two nurses stood by to assist the surgeon however he needed them.

The doctor himself panted heavily, his chest heaving and his legs quaking as he struggled to get the discordant symphony of his mad mind to focus to create magic. Trying to orchestrate such concentration from such chaos became a herculean task long ago; just lifting his instruments felt like he was attempting to lift a rock with a lasso tied around his pinkie toe. All the same, his tools did not quiver or waver, and he did not complain nor give in to the exhaustion that continually tried to drag him to the floor.

The last twinkling clatter of glass into the bin rang in his ears like the bells of heaven as he was crowned its new ruler after deposing God, which he would totally do if he ever died and heaven turned out to be a thing that existed. He made one more sweep of his eyes with his x-ray vision before falling back on his rump and holding his head high in fatigue, his tools clattering to the floor.

“Done,” he panted, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Mission complete, break out the booze and hookers, fuck you blindness for I have conquered you twice!” He pumped his forearms in the air in triumph before falling flat onto his back.

Tenderheart giggled softly while her sister sighed in relief. “Congratulations, doctor. For your first time using magic, you did well,” Tenderheart said as she disposed of the glass shards.

“I’m a genius; of course I did well,” he scoffed as he shakily got back onto his legs.

“I have to admit, I had my doubts about you, Insano,” Redheart confessed as she picked up the discarded instruments, “but you really surprised me. I guess you really aren’t such a bad pony after all.”

“Yes, because I did this to impress you,” he sneered as he leaned up against the wall.

“Still prickly as a dragon’s spine, though,” Redheart said with a roll of her eyes as she began to clean his tools.

Insano smirked to himself. “Hey, Tenderheart.”

“Yes?” the nurse asked, turning to Insano.

The mad scientist's smile widened as Tenderheart’s pupils dilated and her expression turned blank. Her pink eyes lost all light or will behind them and showed only the desire to obey.

“Be a dear and pin your sister down for me.”

“What–” was the only word Redheart managed to get out before Tenderheart obeyed, pouncing on her sister and holding her down. “Tender, the buck are you doing?!”

Insano cackled as he watched the two nurses squirm. “Hypno vision, my dear bitch, hypno vision. Your dear sister is now completely at my command. Now Tenderheart, turn your sister to face me, would you kindly?”

Tenderheart roughly twisted her sister around on the cold tile, Redheart still struggling to throw the hypnotized mare off of her. She screwed her eyes shut. “Why are you doing this? You have your goggles back; you can just go!”

“Because I’m an evil, vindictive son of a bitch,” he said as if he were explaining a joke to an idiot. He trotted up to her and focused his magic once more, forcing her eyes open to look into his swirling goggles. Her sapphire eyes and her alabaster face quickly became a mirror of her sister’s as her struggling slowed to a halt. “Good. Very good. Tenderheart, release her.”

Tenderheart climbed off her sibling as Redheart got back to her hooves. The two sisters just stared ahead, awaiting orders.

“Oh, the possibilities of what I could do,” he purred with a cackle. “I could make you two do lesbian shit to each other, but knowing this place that probably wouldn’t be much of an indignity.” He hummed in thought. “For now, I guess we’ll just get down to business. I need to ask you a few questions I don’t want you to remember me asking, and you will answer all of them truthfully, understood?”

The two mutely nodded.

“Good girls,” he giggled. “Now, what planet am I on?”

“Equis,” they responded in unison.

“Of course I am,” he deadpanned. “The etymology around here is as drab and predictable as a Randy Newman soundtrack. This country is called Equestria, yes?”

The pair nodded.

“What kind of government does Equestria have?” he asked.

“Aristocratic diarchy,” they answered.

“A diarchy? I can’t say I expected that,” he admitted, arching a brow and smiling with interest. “Who are the diarchs?”

“Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”

“So that’s how this Celestia fits into the picture,” he mumbled. “Why do I keep hearing ponies swearing to Celestia’s name and not Luna’s?”

This time the two sisters gave different answers, their words jumbling each other’s up.

“Stop,” he ordered, holding up a hoof. “Tenderheart, you answer.”

“Princess Luna lost her mind a thousand years ago and tried to plunge the world in eternal night,” she monotoned. “She is a traitor to her subjects and was only recently put back on the throne as the diarch.”

“Plunge the world in eternal night?” he repeated. “How the neon green fuck would she do that?” Both tried to answer again in different words, but he held up a hoof again. “Hold it, hold it! Redheart, your turn.”

“The princesses each control the sun and moon,” she answered. “Luna refused to lower the moon so that Celestia could raise the sun.”

“Control the–” He shook his head. “How in the hell do they do that?”

“Magic,” the sisters explained.

The scientist threw his forelegs up over his head. “Of fucking course. What else could it possibly be?” The two tried to answer with possible theories, but he cut them off with, “That question was rhetorical, you twats!” He paused. “Wait, Tenderheart, what did you say?”

“There is a theory that the princesses don’t really control the sun and moon, but pretend they do to keep their positions. Otherwise, they have no real claim to the throne besides defeating Discord long ago,” Tenderheart repeated. “Unicorns in general claimed to control the sun and moon long before they were born in order to get food from earth ponies, and now unicorns account for roughly seventy percent of the nobility and on average make a thousand more bits a year than pegasi or earth ponies.”

“I suppose even a land of goddamn ponies has to have some form of political intrigue,” he said. “Redheart, I need a second opinion; your thoughts?”

“That theory is nonsense, borderline treason, and my sister is just a conspiracy theorist,” Redheart said flatly.

“Treason? I’ll be careful not to repeat it, then,” he mumbled. “This clinic was bad enough; I don’t want to go to prison. Speaking of which, is there any law enforcement in this village, Tenderheart?”

“No, but if there is any trouble, the Elements of Harmony take care of it,” she said.

“Elements of Harmony? Is that some sort of vague religious or philosophical bullshit? Because that’s what it sounds like,” he said.

“The Elements of Harmony are ancient artifacts of immense power,” she explained. “The six current bearers are Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle.”

“The six who I met in the forest,” he muttered. “Great. I’ve already run into the local law enforcement, and it’s a bunch of girls barely out of adolescence. I can handle that. Now, are there any libraries around here, Redheart?”

“Twilight Sparkle lives at and runs the local library,” she said.

“To the purple bitch’s house it is, then,” he said with a smile. “You two have been wonderfully cooperative. Now, as soon as I leave the room, you are to forget this entire conversation and that you were hypnotized in the first place.” He turned around for the door, but paused, his smile growing into a Cheshire grin. “Before I go… Redheart? Kiss my ass. It’s the least you deserve for filling it full of holes.”

The colt cackled at the sound of feel of lips smacking against his plot. He pranced out the door, manically giggling to himself. “Oh, how glorious it is to be back on top…”

“Oh, your dancing was lovely, Rarity, as always; certainly better than mine. No, no, no need to spare my feelings, I know I have two left feet. Well, that’s sweet of you to say. Shall I walk you home, my lady? No, really, I’d be happy to! Oh… oh, I didn’t mean… well, if you insist, I wouldn’t want to disappoint such a lovely and naughty lady, would I? Yes, you heard right, dragons do have two–”

Spike was snapped out of his mirror-front daydream by a knock at the front door. The dragon watched his reflection deflate as he called back, “Coming!” He grumbled under his breath every step of the way. “If ponies can’t even bother to read the ‘closed’ sign on the door, why the hay would they even want a book?”

There was another knock on the door. “I know you’re in there; hurry up!” a male voice called. It sounded like it belonged to a castrated duck that somehow learned to talk getting strangled.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to remember his manners as he opened the door. “Sorry, but the library is closed right now, but–” When he saw who was at the door, his polite rebuke shoved itself back down his throat, forcing a nervous gulp. “D…Doctor Insano?”

“Ah, so you’ve heard of me; I take it your…” He paused. “This is Twilight Sparkle’s house, right?”

Spike nodded.

“What is she to you, anyway? Owner? Sister? Mother? Adoptive mother, of course. Then again… the hue of your scales is similar to her coat,” he mused. “Are you the bastard child of her and a reptile?”

“Wh-what? No!” he sputtered, narrowing his eyes at the stallion. “I am her number one assistant!”

“And what is she to you?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Spike opened his mouth to answer, but he closed it again. “You know, I never really thought about it much. I mean, she made my egg hatch and helped raise me, so she is kind of my mom, but she’s also not that much older than me and we grew up together in the same house, so she’s also kind of my sister. I guess she’s a little bit of both?”

“Oh, the incest jokes I could make,” Insano deadpanned. “Regardless, I take it she told you about me, yes?”

“Yes, she did; shouldn’t you still be in the clinic?” he asked, eyeing the stallion with suspicion.

“I got better,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “Now, I need books. This place has books. Thus, you will supply me with books.”

“As I said, the library is closed,” Spike said firmly, grabbing the edge of the door to slam it shut. He was about to do just that when the swirls of Insano’s goggles began to spin. Soon that was all he saw, and all he heard was Insano’s voice echoing inside his skull.

“You will make an exception for me. Twilight won’t mind, will she?” the stallion’s voice asked.

Spike blinked and shook his head. He looked to Insano’s goggles to find that they were perfectly still. “Must have been my imagination,” he mumbled.

“What was that?” Insano asked, the corners of his lips curving upward.

“Nothing,” Spike said with another shake of his head. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Twilight won’t mind if you look at a few of her books while she’s gone.”

“Good,” the doctor said as he pushed past Spike and into the library. He paused and sniffed the air. “I smell romantic desperation… and lots of it.”

Spike froze as he closed the door. “E-excuse me?”

“And by romantic desperation, I mean furious masturbation,” Insano corrected. “Really, how do you live in here with that stench all about?”

Spike’s jaw went slack as if it had gone numb and his cheeks flushed up like a pair of cherries. “I do not–”

“Not you,” Insano said, waving his hoof again. “I can tell it’s female. That mare really must be damn pent up from denying her sexuality for so long. Besides, you’re too young for that.” He looked over his shoulder with a questioning glance. “I’m fairly sure you’re too young to even know what that word means.”

The dragon chuckled nervously, growing more flustered and rubbing the back of his head. “Well, erm, I–”

“Getting bored, don’t care,” Insano cut him off. “I have a lot of books I need to read and I want to get them read as fast as possible.”

Spike sighed in relief, but glared at the rude scientist regardless. He paused and curiously sniffed the air, but found no scent like the one his potential costumer described. He shook his head and asked, “Okay, what do you need?”

“Oh, where do I even begin…?”

The Talk

“A pox upon both your houses!”

Applejack just rolled her eyes as she dragged Twilight along the ground, the unicorn tied up with her lasso. They were earning a lot of stares from the ponies around them, but they were ignored. “Sugarcube, you need to be part of this talk more than any of the rest of us.”

“Especially after your little outburst last night,” Rarity said, walking alongside the cowpony. Her horn was glowing, actively counteracting any spells Twilight tried to cast to escape. “You have a lot of pent up frustration about your sexual identity, and you can’t just avoid us forever.”

“Yes I can, if you would just let me go!” the librarian growled before trying to gnaw her own leg off. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for her leg, her herbivorous teeth couldn’t even break the skin.

“Not happenin’,” Applejack said. “We’re worried about what havin’ a crush on, well, everypony in our group has done to your noggin.”

“And it’s not just going to go away on its own,” Rarity added. “We need to talk this out.”

“Like buck we do!” Twilight swore.

Rarity huffed. “I never expected such coarse language from your mouth, Twilight. Honestly, you’re overreacting.”

“You have me hogtied and are dragging me like a sack of potatoes!” she spat back.

“Only after ya tried to hide under your bed from us like the Slendermane was after ya,” Applejack reminded.

“That is not something that a mentally stable pony does,” Rarity said. “You need to talk to somepony, and Ponyville doesn’t have a therapist so it’s going to have to be us.”

“I don’t need a therapist!” Twilight wailed. “I’m not crazy, you’re crazy! Everypony in this town is crazy!” The increased amount of stares they were getting, even a perturbed look from Screwball, did not help her case.

The smirk of a Bond villain spread across Applejack’s lips. “Sugarcube, you’re hogtied and getting dragged behind us, right?”

The purple unicorn just grunted angrily in response.

“You get front row tickets to see both our plots, and you’re complainin’?” she asked, looking behind her to gauge Twilight’s reaction.

Twilight’s face looked like it was going to pop like a cherry with a firecracker in it from how purely red it was, but she didn’t say a word.

“Applejack, really,” Rarity huffed, blushing herself.

“Hey, she said she likes ‘em, and it shut her gob,” the cowpony said with a flat look to her partner in crime. “Besides, don’t pretend like you don’t like other ponies finding you attractive.”

“Well, yes, I do,” she admitted. “It just feels somewhat awkward when it’s such a close friend undressing me with her eyes.”

“Rarity, you’re not wearin’ anything right now; you’re buck naked,” Applejack deadpanned.

“It’s a figure of speech; you know what I meant,” Rarity said with a roll of her eyes. “I also don’t think it was a very good idea for you to indulge her base instincts when they clearly cause her distress.”

“They ain’t distressin’ her now,” Applejack said, looking back at the still blushing Twilight, who was quiet and just enjoying the view. “Besides, Ah’m worried as much as you are. Ah just want her to stop being so embarrassed that she thinks my accent is cute.”

“Or that she thinks my mane is pretty,” Rarity added.

“Or that she finds my freckles adorable,” Applejack went on.

“Or that she thinks my gait is alluring.”

“Or that she thinks me applebuckin’ is sexy.”

“Or that she says I smell nice.”

“Or that she likes my plot,” they both said in unison. The two froze and looked into each other’s beet red faces before looking away.

“She is right about your freckles, you know,” Rarity said, blushing deeper.

“And about yer mane,” Applejack responded, her face growing redder in kind.

“And your accent,” Rarity added.

“And how ya walk.”

“And your smile.”

“And yer–” Applejack paused, looking over to the alabaster unicorn. “Wait, Twi never said anythin’ about my smile.”

“Really? Because I thought she did,” Rarity said, giggling and nervously looking around.

“She didn’t,” Applejack said flatly.

“Oh, my mistake!”

The two walked in silence for another minute before Applejack couldn’t resist breaking it like Derpy could never resist devastating the local muffin population. “So, what’s that you think about my smile?”

“I think it’s cute,” Rarity admitted, avoiding eye contact as they turned the corner and her boutique came into view. “It has a sincere, rustic charm to it.”

Applejack chuckled with a smile. “Thank ya kindly, Rarity. Ah think your eyes are mighty pretty, myself.”

“Really?” She looked back to the cowpony, her eyes lighting up and her ears perking.

“Really,” Applejack giggled as they arrived at the boutique. “You have absolutely no poker face by the way, Rarity.”

Rarity blinked and lifted her nose up with a huff as she opened the door. Inside was the rest of their inner circle. Fluttershy was cuddling with an unusually calm and content Opal while Pinkie Pie danced around with that thrice-damned maraca plot of hers. Rainbow Dash was sitting in a chair to the side, looking ashamed to be around so much femininity while trying to keep her eyes off of Pinkie’s bouncing feminine features.

“We’re back,” Rarity announced, holding the door open for Applejack.

“Where’s Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, leaving Opal’s side. Like a dragon getting its gem taken away, Opal returned to her usual grumpy self and slinked away.

“Right here, sugarcube,” Applejack said as she tugged the tied and bound unicorn in. “She tried to run, so we had to be a bit more forceful.”

“Why am I friends with you ponies?” Twilight grumbled, her face still red and her mood back to grumpy now that plot was no longer in view.

“Finally,” Rainbow Dash sighed in relief. “I was getting so bored!”

“You looked like you were plenty entertained by Pinkie’s plot. Oh, wait, were you trying to hide that?” Rarity asked coyly with a grin.

“When you’re so bored with nothing else to do, that thing gets hypnotic,” the pegasus said with a huff, crossing her forearms over her chest.

“Ooo, does that mean I can get you to do my bidding?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

“No, Pinkie, I was exaggerating,” Rainbow Dash said with a facehoof. “You can’t hypnotize ponies with your plot.”

“Aw, too bad; we could’ve had some major fun,” the party pony giggled, brushing her curly tail against Rainbow’s cheek, earning a deep blush from the pegasus.

“Pinkie, darling, we’re trying to make things less awkward between us as friends; you’re doing the exact opposite,” Rarity explained with a sigh.

“Why does it have to be awkward? There’s nothing wrong with being a filly fooler; who cares if we all are?” Pinkie said with a smile, finally sitting down and ending the noise coming from her plot.

“Sugarcube, there’s a big difference between being a filly fooler and outright flirting with your friends,” Applejack said with a sigh, knowing she might as well be pissing into a forest fire for all the good logic would do against Pinkie.

“But Rainbow’s a filly fooler too, so flirting should make her happy, right?” Pinkie asked, plopping her rump in Rainbow’s lap.

The stunt flyer’s wings snapped to attention as their owner froze, her face growing bright red. “Pinkie, g-get off!”

“Pinkie, that’s not how it works,” Rarity groaned.

“Rarity, you need to explain it in a way she’ll understand,” Fluttershy said, her voice soft as ever.

“I know, I know, Pinkie Logic and all that,” Rarity said, waving a hoof. “I still don’t have the faintest clue how it works.”

“I think I do,” Fluttershy said with a smile.

“Well then, you explain it to her, sugarcube,” Applejack invited as Rainbow Dash tried to pry Pinkie from her lap.

Fluttershy trotted up to Pinkie and cleared her throat. “Pinkie, you like it when ponies have fun, right?”

“Of course!” Pinkie said with a smile, oblivious to Rainbow Dash’s struggles. “My special talent is spreading fun, after all.”

“It’s like she’s glued on,” the pegasus grunted.

“Well, what happens when a pony at a party has too much fun and starts wrecking the party?” Fluttershy asked.

“Then nopony else is having fun and that pony is a party crasher,” Pinkie said, the metaphorical sugar-coated cogs in her brain starting to turn.

“Exactly, and you’re having a lot of fun flirting with Rainbow Dash and making her blush, right?” Fluttershy coaxed.

Pinkie Pie’s ears drooped and her smile faltered as if she’d just dropped somepony’s wedding cake on an especially adorable squirrel. “Oh.” She climbed off Rainbow Dash’s lap and nuzzled her gently. “Sorry, Dashie.”

“It’s no big,” Rainbow brushed off, still blushing wildly.

“See Twilight, this is why we need ta talk,” Applejack said, turning to the bound unicorn. “We need to set boundaries before our urges get out of–” She paused as she noticed Twilight looking longingly at where Rainbow was sitting, her cheeks as red as cherries. “You’re not even listenin’ to me, are ya?”

“Hm?” Twilight shook her head, snapping out of her stupor. “Sorry, I just got a little lap dance- I mean distracted!” She squeaked and shut her mouth tight, looking around the room as if everypony there was a shark and she was a salmon wrapped in twine.

Rarity facehoofed. “For the love of Celestia, Twilight, do you see what we mean? You’re so repressed that now that the cat’s out of the bag and you’ve accepted it, it’s all that’s on your mind!”

“The cat’s not out of the bag; the cat’s over there,” Pinkie giggled, pointing at an utterly bored Opal.

“It’s a figure of speech,” Rarity groaned.

“They’re right, Twilight. This is getting more than a bit worrying,” Fluttershy said, untying the unicorn. “You really need to get all of this out of your system before it gets worse.”

Twilight sighed and got to her feet, looking to each of her friends in turn. “Well, how do I do that?”

“Duh, go out on a date with somepony,” Rainbow Dash said with a roll of her eyes. “We know you want to go out with one of us, so take your pick.”

“I…um…uh…” Twilight stammered, her eyes sweeping across the room.

“Rainbow Dash, I doubt she’d want to go out with you if you treat it like a chore to get over with,” Rarity chided.

“That’s not what I meant,” Rainbow said, crossing her forelegs with a huff. “I’d love to go out with Twi. She’s really, really cute in a bookworm sort of way.”

“I-I am?” Twilight managed to stutter out.

Rainbow giggled with a smile. “You bet! I mean, I’m the most awesome pony in town, but you’re the smartest pony in town, and you make being an egghead cute instead of annoying.”

“Th-thanks… I think,” Twilight said hesitantly.

“I think a mare with smarts is attractive on its own,” Fluttershy said, hiding behind her mane. “I’d also love to go on a date with you.”

“Thanks, Fluttershy,” Twilight said with a smile, feeling a bit more at ease.

“Ah don’t know why you’d wanna go out with lil’ old me, but what the hay? Ah’ll throw my hat in too,” Applejack shrugged with a smile. “You want a night on the town, Ah’d be happy to escort ya.”

“Applejack, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Twilight said, her blush returning.

“And don’t sell yourself short, Twilight,” Rarity said with a flutter of her eyelashes. “You’re not only a mare with smarts; you’re a mare with looks. You’re very pretty in your own way, and I would be honored to accompany you on a date one night.”

“O-oh, you’re really too kind.” Twilight blushed harder, but let out a surprised yelp when she felt a hoof pat her backside.

“She’s right, you know. You’re really pretty and pretty sexy,” Pinkie giggled, bouncing around the librarian. “I’d take you out on a date in a shake of a lollipop!”

“Pinkie, no touching another pony’s plot uninvited; that’s also party crashing,” Fluttershy chided.

“Oh, right, sorry,” Pinkie squeaked, patting Twi’s plot again in apology and backing off. Fluttershy rolled her eyes and smiled, but said not a word.

“So, Twi, who’s it gonna be?” Rainbow Dash asked, her facade of apathy gone.

“Oh, don’t pressure the poor mare,” Rarity said with a wave of her hoof.

Too late. Twilight’s eyes darted around to each prospective date, sweat starting to form on her brow. They still felt like sharks, but now they felt like sharks made of cake. She could have one cake shark and enjoy it, but the others might decide to attack her. That metaphor made no sense, but the paranoid mind of the librarian did not notice nor care.

“Twilight, are you okay?” asked the lemon cake shark with pink frosting.

“I think we broke her,” said the white cake one with purple frosting, its soulless black gumdrop eyes narrowing in a mockery of concern.

“Again,” sighed the pumpkin cake shark with a flick of her lemon frosting tail.

“I keep telling you that she needs a shrink,” the one with frosting all colors of the rainbow said with a gnash of her teeth.

“I don’t think she needs shrunk; then we might step on her! Remember the panic with Appletini?” the strawberry cake shark giggled, circling around the trapped unicorn.

“Yeah, and how Rainbow here almost ate me,” the shark that Twilight’s demented mind decided to dub Miss Pumpkin Pants said. The fact that sharks have never worn pants did not faze her line of reasoning, for there was no reasoning. There was only cake. And sharks.

“Hey, I spat you out,” said the rainbow one, who from thenceforth known to Twilight as Walking Pride Parade.

“For which I thank Celestia every day, but you still need to brush your teeth more,” joked Pumpkin Pants with a laugh that sounded like the cries of a thousand baby grasshoppers in Twilight’s ears.

“Um, I think Twilight’s eye is twitching,” said the lemon shark who Twi decided to call Lemon. Her madness was quickly running out of imagination.

“Are you okay, dear?” asked Snow White von Persnickety Bitch. Twilight thought the white and purple shark looked more like a Clarice, but that’s what she went with because Big Mac is red.

“She’s fine,” said the continually circling Bubblegum Bimbo. “The cuil count should return to normal any second now.”

“Cuil? What in tarnation is a–”

“Please don’t eat me!” Twilight blurted out, falling flat to the ground and covering her head with her forelegs, her eyes screwed shut as she shivered like a foal at the Slendermane’s feet.

“Um… pardon?” Rarity asked.

“I’ll say it again: she needs a shrink,” Rainbow Dash repeated firmly.

“I think she may be right,” Fluttershy said softly.

“We’ll talk about gettin’ her a shrink later,” Applejack said, accompanied by the soft patter of hooves on carpet getting closer. “No need to be scared, sugarcube; nopony’s gonna eat ya.”

Twilight opened her eyes to find that there were no sharks or cakes or combinations thereof. Just her friends looking at her with varying degrees of concern, save for Pinkie Pie.

“Wow, that was trippy!” the party pony giggled.

“Are you okay, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, lowering her head to look at Twilight with her sparkling teal eyes.

“Okay? She just begged us not to eat her. I mean, eating meat? Gross,” Rainbow Dash gagged.

“Yes, because the disgusting prospect of eating meat is more pressing than the prospect of eating a fellow pony,” Rarity deadpanned. “Seriously, darling, are you okay?”

Twilight looked sheepishly around and giggled, getting back to an upright sitting position. “I’m fine,” she assured with a smile that would look more natural on a doll. “I’m fine. Just… lost my head there for a second.”

“Twi, with all due respect, Ah reckon your head is in Fillydelphia at the rate it’s flyin’ away,” Applejack said with a small nuzzle.

Twilight flinched. “Look, it’s okay. It’s just…” She took in a deep breath. “I’m really flattered by all the offers, I really am. It’s just such a shock to go from being afraid that all of you would avoid me because I find you all attractive to, well… practically jumping at the chance to go out on a date. That’s some major emotional whiplash, you know?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, darling,” Rarity said, trotting up to Twilight and pulling her into a hug. “None of us meant to do that to you.” She pulled away and smiled. “But you should never be afraid of us wanting to avoid you because of who you are, understood?”

“You’re not getting rid of us that easy,” Rainbow chuckled, joining the hug.

“We’ll love you no matter what you do,” Fluttershy added, joining as well.

“Always, always, always!” Pinkie said, bouncing into the pile.

“We’re friends to the end, all six of us,” Applejack said, completing the group hug. “Don’t you dare ever forget that, sugarcube.”

Twilight smiled wide and blinked back tears as she hugged as many of her friends as she could. “Thanks, girls; that really means a lot to me.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Rainbow Dash said, pulling away with a chuckle and flutter of her wings. “What’re friends for, right?”

Pinkie, naturally, was more than happy to answer such a rhetorical question. “Throwing parties, helping with chores, having pet play dates, keeping each other from the brink of insanity–”

Rainbow Dash put a hoof to Pinkie’s mouth. “Pinkie, not now,” she said with a giggle.

“Yeah, we still need to lay down some ground rules about how things are gonna go between all of us,” Applejack said, pulling away from the hug as well. “Anypony have any suggestions?”

“Well, um, I do,” Fluttershy said, also pulling away. “That no matter if we date each other and it doesn’t go well, we’ll still be friends?”

Applejack nodded with a smile. “That sounds like a good one.”

“But no affairs,” Rarity added firmly, pulling away and fully dissolving the group hug. “Nothing makes a relationship goes sour faster than sleeping on the side.”

“Doesn’t that go without saying?” Rainbow Dash asked, cocking a brow.

“I always sleep in the middle of my bed, so no problems here,” Pinkie giggled.

“Never mind,” Rainbow deadpanned. “I have one to add: no banging between any of us. It’ll just make things even more awkward if they don’t work out.”

“I don’t know about that one,” Rarity said. “I’ve always been very mature about my love life; I don’t begrudge former partners for moving on.”

Rainbow Dash’s ears perked. “Rarity, exactly how much have you gotten laid?”

Rarity blushed and avoided eye contact as if she were talking to a cockatrice. “A lady never tells that, my dear.”

“Who was it with?” Rainbow asked, sporting a Cheshire grin.

“Wait, does this mean we can’t be friends with benefits?” Pinkie asked, her ears drooping.

Everypony just stared at her, but Twilight was the first to speak up. “Pinkie, how do you go from innuendos flying right over your head to talking about your love life like an adult within the space of thirty seconds?”

“I dunno,” she admitted with a shrug.

“Don’t dwell on it.” Fluttershy put a hoof on Twilight’s withers. “Thinking about it can lead only to madness.”

“Stay on track, ladies,” Applejack cut in. “Ah guess the general rule is no getting intimate unless you’re really sure you can handle a potential break-up. Any other ideas?”

Pinkie raised her hoof up. “Are orgies out of the question?”

“Yes!” all the others said in unison.

“Aw... guess it’s still just me, Colgate, and Berry Punch, then.”

Rainbow Dash facehoofed. “Too much information, Pinkie!”

Rarity flinched and blushed. “Pinkie, the last thing I need on my mind is you in a ménage à trois.”

“I have no idea what that means. Is that fancy talk for a three-way?” Pinkie asked with all the self-awareness of a goldfish.

“Yes,” Rarity confirmed in the voice of the long suffering.

“Oh, okay!”

“I suppose I’ll throw this one out there: no flirting during business hours,” Rarity said. “All of us have jobs, and whenever we have free time we should not be spending it distracting each other. That goes double for you, Pinkie Pie.”

“Okie dokie loki!” the party pony said with a salute.

“Weight off my mind,” Twilight sighed with a smile.

“Yeah, because there’s no better place to seduce a pony than a library,” Rainbow Dash teased. “It’s just such a great setup for pick up lines!”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “If you were a book, I’d put you under S for sexy!”

The stunt flyer grinned as she joined in. “Sorry, but I don’t think I get the plot of this book. Could you show me yours? I think I’d like it better.”

Pinkie laughed out loud. “Okay, how about this one: I’m ready to check out. Not a book, silly, I’m here to check you out!”

“Too safe,” Rainbow dismissed, giggling all the same. “Gotta be like this: Excuse me, miss, I’m not sure I understand this love scene. Think you could explain it to me? Or maybe we should act it out instead; I’m a physical learner.” She wriggled her hips and waggled her eyebrows, barely holding back her laughter.

“That’s enough, you two,” Applejack snickered as the pair collapsed into a hail of laughs and giggles. Fluttershy and Twilight were blushing so hard that their faces were the exact same hue. “Ah think we’ve got some pretty good rules set up. Shall we call it a day and this issue settled?”

“Sounds good to me, dear,” Rarity said with a nod. “I have orders to fill, anyway.”

“Wait,” Rainbow Dash panted out as her hysterics died down, “doesn’t Twi still have to pick who to go out with first?”

“Rainbow, now’s not the time,” Fluttershy chided.

“No, no, you were right, Fluttershy. I need to get this out of my system,” Twilight admitted. “So I guess I’ll go out on a date with…” She scanned the room again, biting her lip. “Applejack. First, anyway.”

“It’d be my honor, sugarcube,” Applejack chuckled with a bow. “We’ll talk later when we’re less busy to work out the specifics, okay?”

“Deal,” Twilight giggled, trotting out the door. She paused mid-stride. “While I’m here, though, I have a favor to ask of you all.”

“Anything, darling,” Rarity assured.

“Well, I sent a letter to Princess Celestia about Doctor Insano. She’s worried too, and told me to keep an eye on him until she visits later this week, and to ask anypony I can trust to help. She even said to consider it a royal mandate if I need to,” she explained.

“I told you!” Rainbow Dash blurted.

Fluttershy gave her fellow pegasus a pointed look. “Twilight, Doctor Insano really doesn’t seem like that bad a pony. He’s a bit… prickly, yes, but he’s obviously had a really hard life.”

“He even thanked us for coming to visit him,” Applejack added.

“Oh, and did we forget to mention he’s really a mare?” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.

“He’s what?” Rarity and Twilight asked in unison.

“Trans, but hasn’t had the change made yet to a stallion,” Fluttershy corrected.

“I suddenly find him very interesting,” Pinkie Pie purred.

“Pinkie, no dating the mad scientist,” Rarity said with a sigh.

Twilight threw her shock into the mental garbage disposal, leaving her with curiosity. “Why hasn’t he made the change yet? Sex change spells are dirt cheap in most parts of Equestria.”

“He apparently didn’t even know that magic like that existed. Hay, he said that he doesn’t even know how to use magic,” Applejack explained.

Twilight’s eyebrows shot up like they were spring-loaded. “A unicorn that doesn’t know magic? That’s–”

“Insane, I know,” Rainbow interrupted. “I’m starting to think he’s not what he says he is.”

“You mean a card-carrying nutcase? I’m pretty sure he’s that,” Twilight said.

“Well, yeah, there’s that, but I meant everything else,” Rainbow Dash corrected. “I mean, Insano? That name is too stupid to be real.”

“Or too weird to make up,” Rarity suggested.

“What do you reckon he is, then? A changeling or somethin’ of that nature?” Applejack asked.

“Buck if I know, but I do know that something’s fishy about that guy. Count me in, Twilight,” the stunt flyer announced.

“Me too; if the princess is worried, we all should be,” Rarity said.

“Me three!” Pinkie started bouncing up and down. “I wanna know more about him!”

“Ah guess it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye on him in case he tries anything funny,” Applejack conceded. “Ah’ll help too.”

“I still think you’re wrong about him, but… okay,” Fluttershy said meekly, her ears drooping.

“It’s settled, then.” Twilight clapped her hooves together. “He’s still in the clinic and won’t get out for a day or two, but when he leaves we’ll keep tabs on him until Celestia arrives.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Rarity said. “Though really, I do have orders to fill and deadlines to meet, so if you would all kindly…?”

“Sure thing, Rares,” Rainbow said, trotting to the exit. “See ya!”

The other girls said their farewells and good wishes to Rarity before they each went their separate ways. Twilight had a spring in her step in the way ponies did after they had a heavy burden lifted off their shoulders. The sky seemed a little bluer, the sun shone a little brighter, the grass looked a little healthier, and all seemed right with the world.

Then she opened the front door of her house.  Her blood boiled so hot it could melt magma. If looks could kill, she’d be arrested for genocide. The steely rage boner she sprouted could rend continents asunder and cause tsunamis with her mighty thrusts.

However since all of the above were metaphors, she was just left sputtering and quaking in anger at the sight of Insano sitting in her house with half of her library’s stock scattered carelessly on the floor with the offender taking no damage from the waves of hatred sent his way.

“Um, Twilight, are you okay?” Spike asked from a pile of books he was trying to reshelf.

“Hmr?” Insano looked over the top of the book he was reading. “Oh, it’s you. What do you want?”

“I… I think she broke,” Spike said hesitantly.

“What,” she snarled, grinding her teeth together, “are you doing in my house?!”

“Reading books,” he replied, returning to doing just that. “This is a library. Libraries are full of books. Books are meant to be read.”

“Don’t be smart with me,” she snapped, kicking the front door shut with her rear hoof.

“Really, because I was intentionally trying to dumb my speech down so you could understand as it was,” he drawled, turning the page with his nose.

“Look at this!” she shrieked, motioning to the carnage of books left scattered about in unnatural angles and ways that would probably ruin their spines. “Spike, how could you let this happen?!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why!” he whimpered, trying frantically to clean up. “I just let him in to look at a few books, and next thing I know this happens!”

“You are so grounded, mister,” she growled as her horn glowed and she began picking up her inventory. “And you will be spending that time reorganizing all these books, understood?”

“Y-yes, ma’am,” he groaned.

When she tried to magically pick up a book near the mad scientist, he seemed to activate his own magic and hold it in place. “Hey, I need that for cross references!”

“You’re lucky I don’t kick your plot out of here!” She pulled the book away, but he was still struggling to hang onto it. “What are you even looking up, anyway?” She dragged the book over to her, the thing quivering from the magic tug of war that was being done to it. “A Tourist’s Guide to Equestria?”

“Fine, you can have it,” Insano grumbled as he let go, the book smacking into Twilight’s face and earning a yelp of pain.

She set down the book with a scowl, looking at Insano like a predator on the hunt. “Okay, let’s just see what else you’ve been researching, shall we?” Her horn glowed as she picked up all of the books he’d gathered around himself, including the one he was holding in his hooves.

“Hey, wait, stop!” he pleaded. He couldn’t keep a good enough grip to match hers on a single book, let alone over a dozen of them.

Twilight scanned the titles of the books as they paraded in front of her. There were books on Equestrian language and slang, the geography of Equis and Equestria, cultural norms of Equestria and its system of government, among other similar subjects. What caught her eye was the abundance of books on astronomy, along with various star maps that Twilight had made herself.

“What in Celestia’s name are you up to?” she mumbled, mostly to herself.

“None of your damn business,” he spat. “I just wanted to read some damn books, and I don’t exactly have any money to pay for renting them out. Hell, I don’t even have a place to stay for the night.”

She was going to give condolences so dripping with sarcasm that it could drown a small town when a thought struck her. “Wait, how did you do magic without your horn glowing?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, looking her over suspiciously.

“When you tried to grab these books back I could feel your magic pulling, but your horn didn’t glow,” she explained.

“I take it that this is unusual,” he said, his curiosity as plain as the goggles on his face.

“Of course it is! Unicorn magic always glows with an aura the same color as the caster’s… eyes… hm.” Her anger gave way to interest as she shelved the books she’d managed to grab and trotted over to Insano. “It looks like that since you’re blind–”

“I can cast magic invisibly?” he finished, a smile forming on his lips, the smile of a scientist who found a new riddle to crack.

“Precisely,” she said, mirroring the smile. “I’ve never heard of anything like this before, to be honest. This requires further study.”

“Study? Pah, this requires tests,” he scoffed. “Why read about other ponies’ findings when you can put the scientific method to work yourself?”

Twilight’s smile widened. “I like the way you think, Doctor. You need a place to stay for the night, right? How about this: I let you sleep in the guest bed, and you let me study you.”

“You hardly even need to bribe me; I’ll do anything for the advance of scientific knowledge,” he said, proudly puffing out his chest. “But yes, those arrangements sound agreeable. You’ll have to teach me more about magic, though, since I know little on the subject myself.”

“Deal. Follow me and we’ll set up your bed,” she said, trotting up the stairs to her bedroom.

“This will not end well,” Spike muttered under his breath as he shelved another book.

Sorcery and Sore Spots

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have Doctor Insano under surveillance like you ordered. I invited him to stay at my home in the guest bed so that I could keep a close eye on him. I enlisted the help of my friends to keep an eye on him when he isn’t in the house or I’m not with him.

I’m getting more worried and confused by the hour, though. My friends Fluttershy, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all paid him a visit early yesterday, and they found out a few things about him. For one, he isn’t biologically a he at all. He’s a female trans pony who has yet to make the change. Second, he apparently had no idea that sex change spells existed. Third, he said that he’s never used magic before. All of these things just do not add up. He’s a unicorn that not only doesn’t know how to use magic, which is like a plant not knowing how to grow, but is also ignorant of a spell that changed the very concept of gender identity across the planet several decades ago. These are not things that are just casually forgotten or overlooked in the educational system.

More worrying still is that I found him in my house last night pouring through my library’s inventory. For one, he was released from the Heart sisters’ clinic far earlier than they said he would be. I suspected he broke out, but when I got in contact with them they said he had just healed faster than anticipated. His wounds still look raw, though, so I suspect foul play. I don’t know how yet, though. Neither of the Heart sisters would ever take a bribe of any kind, but I don’t know what else it could be. Maybe he’s lying about not knowing magic and has some sort of advanced hypnosis spell? Now that I think about it, he may be a changeling infiltrator. It would certainly explain his strange behavior.

No, scratch that, it wouldn’t fully. When I found him in my house, I took a look at the books he was browsing through. There were atlases of both the planet and Equestria, along with books on Equestrian government, culture, and language. He seemed pretty desperate to read them, though. I think he honestly didn’t know anything about Equestria. He’s been really vague about where he’s from, for one. He’s also been using that really strange dialect of his that I’ve never even heard of. If he really were a changeling, he would have been briefed about all that before being sent out. That, and he wouldn’t be blind, or Queen Chrysalis would have culled him the second he lost his eyesight. Changelings also don’t have anywhere near this level of technology. Or maybe this is all an elaborate ruse to make us think he isn’t a changeling? Espionage is a pain to think about.

What really caught my eye is that he had several books out on astronomy, along with star charts I’ve sketched in my spare time while stargazing. I can’t possibly fathom why he needed those. It couldn’t have been to find his way around, since he had the atlases for that. I can’t stop thinking about it. I think trying to wonder what he’s up to and who he really is will drive me insane, so I’ll try to keep my mind off of it and just make sure he doesn’t do any damage before you arrive.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: Spike here. Please, please, please make Twilight understand why keeping Insano in our house is a bad idea in your next letter. She says she’s worried and confused, but I know that look in her eye. It’s the way she looks at a new mystery to solve. She’s more interested in than scared of this guy, and last time she tried to figure a huge mystery out, she got a piano dropped on her! For the love of you, hurry!

“I still can’t believe you let that maniac stay the night,” Spike grumbled as he flipped over his mother figure’s breakfast pancakes. The air was filled with the sound of sizzling batter and hay fries in the library’s small kitchen as the proprietor herself sat at the table.

“Look, Princess Celestia told me to keep an eye on him. What better way to do that then to let him stay here?” Twilight asked.

“Twilight, you said yourself that he’s dangerous,” Spike reminded, looking over his shoulder at her. “He’s a mad scientist, and you have a science lab in the basement. Not only that, but you promised to teach him magic. You might as well give a zombie a skull-sized nutcracker.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You really need to stop reading those zombie books. They keep giving you nightmares.”

“That’s not the point. The point is that this is a really, really bad idea,” Spike huffed with an annoyed flick of his tail.

“I have it under control. I’ve locked the door to the basement and hidden the key, and I only plan on teaching him the basics. Nothing too advanced,” the unicorn assured. “We still need to be careful, but I know what I’m doing.”

“If you say so,” Spike sighed as he expertly flipped the pancakes through the air and onto a plate. “Breakfast is ready; better go get your science buddy.”

Twilight shook her head as she slipped out of her seat and walked over to the foot of the stairs to her room. “Insano, breakfast is ready! Wake up!”

No response.

Twilight sighed. “He’s still asleep; one second.” She trotted up the stairs and slipped into her room. Sure enough, in the balcony where the beds were, on the guest bed slept the scientist sprawled out in a tangle of sheets and drooling onto his pillow.

“They weren’t kidding when they said he wasn’t a full stallion,” she mumbled with a blush as she averted her eyes and approached the bed. She put a hoof on his chest and shook him gently. “Insano, breakfast is ready. Time to rise and shine.”

All she got in response was an angry grumble and her guest flipping himself over, turning his plot to her. She was fairly sure he said something about her mother and a cheese grater, but she couldn’t make out the rest. She shook him harder. “Insano, get up.”

“Go away before I put my quantum harmonizer in your photonic resonation chamber,” he groused, sleepily waving a hoof in her direction as if to stave her off.

Twilight was half proud that she understood what he said, but half embarrassed that she understood the double entendre. She frowned, her blush glowing brighter. “Fine, you want dirty? I’ll fight dirty,” she grumbled as she lowered her head. “Wake up!” She jabbed forward with her horn, prodding him hard right in the plot.

“Jesus fuck!” He quite literally jumped up into the air and tumbled out of bed, taking all the covers with him. He landed with his rear half still in bed and his head banging on the floor. He kicked his rear legs in the air and shouted, “The hell was that?!”

“Your wake up call,” Twilight said with a smirk. “Breakfast is ready, Doctor. Blueberry and lilac pancakes with hay fries.”

“Lovely,” he deadpanned as he untangled himself from his sheets. Twilight let out a giggle and trotted back down to the kitchen, her guest not far behind.

“You’re not a morning pony, are you?” she asked as she took her seat at the table.

“I hate mornings with burning passion that rivals the heat of the sun itself,” he groaned as he flopped into his chair. “I’ve been trying to figure out a way to make it so I don’t have to sleep for years.”

“Sleep is a natural biological function for more advanced life forms. How exactly do you plan on getting rid of it?” she asked as Spike set her pancakes in front of her. “Thank you, Spike.”

“You’re welcome, Twi,” Spike said with a smile as he set Insano’s plate in front of him. The scientist only gave a grunt in response. Spike just gave him a glare and sat next to Twi, pulling up a bowl of garnets for himself and began munching on them.

“Actually, there have been recorded cases of pe- ponies that have a condition where they do not require sleep. One I know of just lost the need for it one day after having a mysterious fever. Unfortunately, I have yet to get a hold of one of these ponies for study,” he said with a scowl. “If I could just figure out what exactly changed about their brain chemistry, I could abolish sleep as a physical need for all time.”

“It would certainly free up a lot of time,” Twi sighed wistfully as she cut her pancakes. “Imagine all that free time.”

“But no dreams,” Spike cut in, his disdain for their guest plain on his face.

“Who needs dreams when you could have a better reality?” Insano said with a dismissive wave of his hoof as he levitated his knife and fork and began cutting. “Besides, you’re just a child. You wouldn’t understand.”

Spike opened his mouth to respond, but Twilight did first. “Spike is very smart for his age, and if you’re going to stay in my house you will be nice to him.” Spike gave a smug grin before she added, “And you better be nice to him too, Spike. I raised you better than that.”

Spike sighed and said, “Okay, Twi.”

“Fine, whatever,” Insano dismissed as he shoveled a huge mouthful of pancake into his gob. “I just want him to stay out of my way while I research and practice my magic.”

“Fair enough,” Twilight said, gobbling up a hay fry. “Speaking of which, how soon do you want to start?”

“Right away, if possible,” he said. He had already ploughed his way through half his breakfast in a single minute, if even that.

“Do you want to breathe first? You’re practically inhaling your food,” Twilight asked, eyebrows raised.

“Eating is time that could be spent doing something productive. Thus, I’m a fast eater,” he dismissed before shoveling another mouthful of pancake into his maw and swallowing the huge lump.

“Are you part snake or something?” Spike asked, his own eyescales shooting up.

Insano opened his mouth to respond, but bit his lip. It was the look of somepony who desperately wanted to rant about something he was really interested in, but decided it wasn’t the best time. Twilight would know; she’d done the same thing quite a lot in her lifetime. “My mother was a fucking snake, I guess you could say.”

“Hey, watch your language around Spike,” Twilight warned.

“Are you going to teach me magic or not?” he growled as he wolfed down the last of his breakfast.

Twilight gave him a glare as she slipped out of her own seat. “Okay then, lesson one.” Her horn glowed, her magic swinging open the cabinet where they kept their glasses. She took one out and filled it with water from the sink until it overflowed. Letting the access water drain until the water was even at the rim of the glass, she then floated it over to Insano. “Control. Focus your mind and your magic until you can lift that glass a foot off the table without spilling a single drop.”

“You’re kidding,” Insano said flatly as he looked at the glass. “The surface tension is barely holding as it is.”

“It’s what I had to do for my first lesson at Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns, so if you want to be good at magic you’ll have to do the same thing,” she half lied.

“I’d heard you’d gone there; Spike was kind enough to tell me a bit about you while I was reading last night,” Insano said, the corners of his lips tugging into a smile. “You’re Celestia’s personal student and a national hero, right?”

Twilight blushed and pretended to avoid eye contact, while in reality she was giving Spike a glare for talking about her to the mad scientist. The baby dragon just smiled nervously and took a bite out of a garnet. “I guess you could say that, yes.”

“Guess I should be honored, then,” he chuckled, putting on a smile about as natural as his goggles. “I’ve never met Princess Celestia before. What’s she like?”

“Everything a pony could hope for in a ruler,” Twilight said with a dreamy smile, her blush intensifying. “Kind, wise, loving, beautiful… I really am lucky to know her.”

Insano’s grin widened. “The way you talk about her, it sounds like you know her in the biblical sense.”

“Biblical?” Twilight repeated, blinking in confusion.

The stallion shook his head. “Never mind, obscure reference. You wouldn’t get it anyway. What about Princess Luna?”

Twilight sighed. “A lot better than most ponies think she is. She’s still getting used to modern times and using an indoor voice, but she’s very nice and just wants to be loved again.”

“Yes, some ponies just need to let go of the past. She isn’t Nightmare Moon anymore, right?” he asked.

“It’s sad how many still think she is,” Twilight said with a shake of her head as Spike took Insano’s plate. “She’s been a mythological monster for a millennium used to scare foals to sleep at night, though, so I guess it’s understandable.”

“As a philosopher once said, it is best for a ruler to be both loved and feared,” Insano said, “though when one has to choose between the two, it is better to be feared than loved.”

“Where did you hear that?” she asked as she finished up her breakfast, Spike taking her plate away. “I’ve never heard a philosopher say that before.”

“Somepony you never would have heard of,” he said with a wave of his hoof.

“You’re making a lot of references without explaining them,” Spike said from the sink as he turned on the water, his suspicion as plain as his scales were purple.

“Whatever,” he mumbled. “So, I just have to lift this glass without spilling, right?”

“Correct,” she said as she slipped from her seat. “I’ll be reorganizing the library’s stock while you try. Give me a call when you’ve done it. I’ll check on your progress later.”

“Great, feels like I’m back in high school,” Insano grumbled as he twisted his face in concentration.

It took less than a second for the glass to spill over.

“Dammit!”

“Mother of a dong merchant, fuck!”

Twilight rolled her eyes at the doctor’s increasingly… creative profanity. The longer he went, the more bizarre his swearing got, it seemed, and he’d been trying for over an hour at that point. She slipped another book back into its proper spot and called over her shoulder, “You’re lucky I sent Spike to Rarity’s house, or I would’ve smacked you for saying that!”

“Kiss my plot,” he spat back. “This is impossible!”

“Not impossible, just difficult,” Twilight assured as she looked over another tome and looked for its proper place. “Before you can safely learn any real spells aside from levitation, you need to learn to completely control your magic to pinpoint accuracy.”

“How in the hell am I having so much difficulty? I’m older than you!”

She sighed. “You really do complain a lot,” she muttered under her breath. “It’s not a matter of age. Magic is my special talent, so I’m just naturally more gifted at it. That, and I had a great teacher.”

“Well, my teacher sucks,” he griped with a groan of frustration. “You’re barely even teaching me!”

“What do you want me to do, hold your hoof through the whole–” She was interrupted by a knock on the door. Twilight trotted over and swung it open with her magic to find a certain walleyed pegasus just outside. “Oh, good morning, Derpy! How can I help you?”

“H-hello, Miss Sparkle,” she said nervously with a smile. “Um… is a stallion by the name of Doctor Insano here?”

“Yes, he is,” Twilight said, looking over the mare as if she had asked to be punched in the crotch, which would probably be preferable to dealing with Insano. “Why would you want to see him, though? How do you even know he’s here?”

“He didn’t tell you?” the mailmare asked, blinking in surprise. “Dinky had an accident yesterday with her magic practice. The glass she was levitating exploded right in her face.”

“Oh no,” Twilight gasped, her ears falling flat. “Is she okay?”

“She is now, thanks to him,” she said, beaming. “The Heart sisters said that he operated on her.” Derpy pulled a box out of her saddlebag. “I made him muffins to say thank you. Do you think he’ll like them?”

Twilight blinked. She blinked again. When the gears in her brain finally got the monkey wrench of what-the-fuckery dislodged, she said, “Excuse me for a minute.” She closed the door and trotted over into the kitchen. “Insano?”

“What?” he grumbled as he filled the glass for the hundredth time that day.

“Why in the hay would the Heart sisters ever agree to let you perform surgery?”

Insano almost dropped the glass into the sink, but managed to catch it before it shattered. “Hello? Because I’m a surgeon. How in the fuck do you know about that anyway?”

“Because Dinky’s mother is at the door right now and wants to thank you for what you did.”

Insano did drop the glass that time, the lip of it shattering on the bottom of the sink. “Tell her to go away,” he growled.

“She made you muffins,” Twilight said, still not quite believing what she was saying.

“I don’t care if she came with the key to the fucking city, tell her to leave!” he spat, wheeling around and glaring at Twilight.

“You don’t understand,” Twilight said with a shake of her head. “Derpy is obsessed with muffins. She craves them more than anything else in life, and the only thing she loves more is her daughter. And she is giving some of hers to you.”

“Yeah, that’s nice, don’t care,” he grumbled, turning back to the sink. “Fuck, it’s broken. See what you made me do?”

Twilight scowled as her horn glowed. Her magic aura surrounded the pony and lifted him up, the scientist flailing.

“What the hell?! Let me down!”

“You are going to accept Derpy’s thank you and you are going to thank her for being so generous,” she said firmly marching to the front door with Insano floating behind.

“I said let me down!” he shrieked. She promptly let him fall in a heap on the floor. “Bitch.”

She trotted back to the front door and opened it, Derpy looking worriedly inside. “He’s right here; come on in,” she said with a smile, stepping aside for the mailmare.

Derpy returned the smile and walked inside, spying the doctor as he got back on all fours. At least, Twilight assumed as much. It was quite literally impossible to follow Derpy’s gaze.

“Doctor Insano?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yes, yes, what is it?” he grumbled, brushing himself off.

Both he and the librarian were taken by surprise when Derpy flung her forelegs around him and pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you so much! If it wasn’t for you, my daughter could have gone blind! I… I’d still love her all the same, but… but thank you so much.”

Insano’s cheeks turned red and Twilight could see the muscles of one of his eyes twitch. He stood more still than Discord after the Elements were through with him. “It… it was no big deal.”

“You really didn’t have to do that, though,” she said with a smile, pulling back. “You were a patient at the clinic too, right? You could have just kept resting and let yourself get better, but you pushed yourself and saved my daughter’s eyesight. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Then don’t bother,” he said with a nervous hoof through his mane. “I just… I just didn’t want her to grow up like me, okay? I’m blind too. I use these goggles to see. Invented them myself.” He let out a nervous chuckle and puffed up his chest with a bit of pride.

“Your parents must be very proud of you.” Derpy leaned in and kissed Insano’s cheek, leaving it bright red as if he had just been bitch slapped at the speed of sound.

“I…um…I,” he stammered, words simply failing to come out of his mouth.

“I brought these for you,” Derpy said after sensing his unease, pulling out the box and setting it at his hooves. “I hope you like them. And… thank you again.” She bowed with a blush and galloped out of the room, not bothering to say goodbye to the librarian.

Twilight closed the door. “That was very sweet of her.” She turned to see that Insano was staring at the box of muffins before him, his expression blank. “Are you okay?”

She jumped when he abruptly kicked the box, sending it slamming into a wall. “I’m fine,” he muttered as he trotted back to the kitchen.

“What the hay is your problem?” she demanded, picking up the box and then him, whirling him around to face her. “She made these for you!”

“Does it look like I care?” he asked with a scowl.

“You should care because, to be frank, you’ve acted like a total jerk up to this point,” she said, narrowing her eyes and shoving the box into his chest. “You saved a young filly’s eyesight and her mother just wanted to show her appreciation. You did something good for the first time since you got here. Doesn’t that matter to you?”

“That’s exactly the problem,” he spat, tossing the box away once more. “I am not a good pony! As you’ve noticed, I am an asshole. I fully admit it. I am the king of the assholes. One day the assholes of the universe will converge on one point and build a statue in my fucking honor. That’s how I’ve always been, that’s how everypony knows me, and that’s how I want things to stay.”

Twilight’s jaw went slack. She couldn’t have been more shocked if she had just heard somepony say that Discord wasn’t such a bad guy. “Why?! Why would you ever want to be that way?! I just thought you were a jerk without realizing it, but you’re doing it on purpose?!”

“Damn skippy I am,” he snarled. “You really wanna know why? Because when you’re nice, people expect you to fix their fucking problems for them. When you’re nice, your life gets bogged down with expectations. When you’re nice, you have to continue to be nice just so your conscience doesn’t eat away at you. My life is so much simpler this way, and I like it this way, so piss off and stay out of my business!”

Twilight’s gaze softened as she released him from her magic grip. “You know, I really do pity you… and not because of your eyes.” She trotted past him up the staircase to her room, carrying the box of muffins with her. “I’ll be in my room reading for a while. Let me know when you think you can lift that glass without spilling it.”

She looked over her shoulder to see him just sitting where she set him down, perfectly still and unmoving save for his chest heaving in anger. Her ears flattened against her head as she closed the door behind her and locked it.

Trust In Me

“Come on, do something already,” Rainbow Dash mumbled to herself, smacking her forehead against the cloud she was resting on as she watched Insano walk through the streets of Ponyville. He wasn’t talking to anypony or really even doing anything besides trotting along, paying no heed to the stares that were coming his way. “I knew I shouldn’t have taken Applejack’s shift too.”

She groaned and rolled onto her back, staring at the endless blue sky. The midday sun stared back, determined to get into a staring contest with her and burn her eyes out. “Three days and absolutely bucking nothing. What is he waiting for?” She groaned and covered her face with her hooves. “I just wish Celestia would show up and send his pasty plot to jail already.”

The pegasus rolled back over and fixed her eyes back on the mad scientist. He was on the outskirts of town and walking in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. “What the hay could he want there…?” she wondered aloud. She flapped her wings a few times and scooted her cloud along to follow him.

He cleared the fence when he suddenly turned from the dirt path to Applejack’s house into the oldest orchard. Bigger trees, more leaves, no way to see what was inside.

“Great,” she mumbled as she narrowed her eyes, “can’t see him anywhere.” She sighed and dived from her cloud and into the trees, hopping and gliding from branch to branch as she shadowed Insano.

It took several minutes, but Insano’s apparent destination came into view soon enough: the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse.

“What the buck are you planning?” she mumbled, glaring daggers into the scientist’s retreating plot. She circled around the clearing in the treetops to the back of the clubhouse as he trotted up the ramp to the front door. She sped around to the back and perked her ears up, listening in.

“Do y’all hear hoofsteps?” came the country drawl of Apple Bloom.

“Yeah, I think somepony’s coming up,” Scootaloo answered. “Think it’s your sister?”

“Nah, my sis would just call up to us,” Apple Bloom responded.

“Who’s there?” Sweetie Belle called out.

“The name’s Doctor Insano,” the scientist announced with the gusto of an inflated ego.

“My sister warned me about you. Go away!” Apple Bloom said firmly.

“Hey, so did mine,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Nopony told me about this guy. Who is he?” Scootaloo asked.

“Some crazy doctor who was responsible for the explosion the other night,” the farm filly explained. “My big sis told me to stay far, far away from him.”

“Your big sister also told you to stay away from that zebra at the edge of town, didn’t she?” he said. “She isn’t always right about ponies.”

“How the hay does he know about that?” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“How the hay do you know about that? That was last year,” Apple Bloom asked.

“Oh, I have my sources,” he dismissed. “But I’m right, and you know it. Besides, I’m here to help you earn your cutie marks.”

“You can take your help and shove it up your–”

There was a sound of hoof blocking mouth. “Wait, let’s hear what he has to say,” Scootaloo whispered.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, Applejack and Rarity warned us that this colt was bad news,” Sweetie Belle whispered back.

“Sweetie, if we did everything your sisters told us, we wouldn’t get anything done,” the pegasus said flatly.

There were several seconds of silence. “Okay, you have a point,” Sweetie Belle admitted.

“Besides, he’s just a pony. Not a cockatrice or a manticore or a basilisk or anything. What could he possibly do that we couldn’t handle?” Scootaloo asked.

Many, many examples ran through Rainbow Dash’s mind that she knew that the Crusaders wouldn’t think of because of their childhood innocence. She nervously gulped.

“Ah suppose you’re right,” Apple Bloom said, with the sound of a small smack of her batting away Scootaloo’s hoof. “Let’s hear this guy out.”

“How do you think you can help us?” Scootaloo called out.

“With science, of course!” he said with an almost child-like excitement. “I am a scientist, after all, and I’m hoping to study and unlock the secrets of the cutie mark.”

“Study? Blech, sounds boring,” Scootaloo gagged.

“Not books,” Insano spat. “I’m hoping to study living subjects. Namely, you three.”

Rainbow Dash could feel her heart thumping in her chest.

“Us? Why us?” Sweetie Bell asked.

“Because you don’t have your marks yet, of course. My theory is that there is some sort of chemical trigger in the brain that makes the cutie mark reveal itself upon discovery of the talent. I just need to study your brains in comparison to mine, a pony who already has a cutie mark,” he explained.

“Um, sorry, but Ah think cutting our noggins open would be bad for our… everything,” Apple Bloom said with a nervous chuckle.

“Please, studying the brain through killing the subject is barbaric and inelegant,” he brushed off. “I have the equipment to do it one hundred percent safely. Just follow me, and we can get started.”

“Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it…!” Rainbow Dash pleaded under her breath.

“Should we really trust him?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Now that I think about it, his name is Insano. Isn’t that like trusting somepony named Darkheart Eatsbabies?”

“Sweetie Belle, that was his parents’ fault, not his,” Apple Bloom chided. “Don’t judge a pony on something as silly as his name.”

“Right, sorry. Just a thought,” Sweetie apologized.

“No, no, good thought, good thought!” Rainbow chanted.

“I say we go for it. Twilight’s magic couldn’t do it, so maybe this guy’s science can,” Scootaloo said.

“Ah guess you’re right. Let’s go for it!” Apple Bloom cheered.

Rainbow Dash facehoofed as she heard the door to the clubhouse creak open. “Okay, Mister Insano, show us the way,” Scootaloo said.

“Come along then, I don’t have all day,” he said with a huff. There were several sets of loud hoofsteps as the mad scientist and the three fillies cantered back down the ramp.

“Okay, okay, don’t panic,” Rainbow Dash muttered to herself. “Panicking is for wusses, and Rainbow Dash is no wuss. Just… keep following him and if he tries anything, deck him until he stays down.” She peaked around the corner and saw the group heading into the trees, the three fillies chattering excitedly and asking questions that she couldn’t make out. She flared up her wings and flew back into the treetops, shadowing them like a cyan ninja.

Rainbow Dash eventually found herself hovering above Twilight’s house, hiding in the clouds as the Crusaders and their guide trotted inside. She swooped down and peered into one of the library’s many windows.

Inside was Spike on a ladder, shelving the day’s returned books. Twilight was nowhere to be seen. “Right, she’s on that date with Applejack. Bucking great timing,” she cursed under her breath.

Insano was frowning, the three fillies crowding around him and still chattering in an inquisitive manner. He stomped over to a corner of the room, a book being pulled out by an invisible force. He opened it and flipped through the pages until he found a simple key. It too floated into the air as the book returned to its place. Spike noticed and protested, saying something about how Insano was not supposed to go in the basement. Insano turned to look at the baby dragon. He was facing away from Rainbow’s viewpoint, so she couldn’t tell what he was doing, but the dragon’s expression suddenly went blank and he nodded submissively, motioning with his arm for Insano to go right ahead. This prompted another barrage of questions from the Crusaders, but he seemed to ignore them as he slipped the key into the door’s lock and cantered inside, the trio following.

Rainbow Dash looked around, weighing her options in her mind. She ended up landing on Twilight’s balcony and slipping inside her bedroom through that door. The room was totally devoid of life, as expected. The pegasus saw that Twilight’s bed was covered in guides to dating and courtship, earning a roll of her eyes and a smile. “Egghead.”

She gently pushed the door to the main room of the library with her nose. Spike had gone back to his work, walking back from the pile of returns and to the bookshelf where they belonged. A frown creased her lips as she waited, shifting her weight impatiently for there to be an opening for her to sneak in. She heard voices in the basement, both of the fillies and the mad scientist. The former didn’t sound panicked or distressed. Yet.

She finally got her chance when Spike walked into the bathroom and closed the door. She glided down the staircase and landed as softly as she could manage on the floor. From there she just sneaked in the door to the basement and closed it behind her, crouching down low.

She peered over the edge of the catwalk to the floor of the basement below. Rows upon rows of bookshelves filled the wall, broken up by the wall nearest to her being filled by machinery that she had no bucking idea was for. In the center of the room was a table filled with potions and elixirs of various colors, along with some sort of contraption of winding tubes and glass containers she could only assume was used for mixing them.

Insano had Sweetie Belle’s forelegs strapped to one of the lab’s many machines, with some sort of helmet covered in lights on her head. “Um, are you sure this is safe?” the unicorn filly asked.

“Of course I’m sure,” he said as he fiddled with the equipment. “I’m just going to scan your brain for a few moments, is all. That and take a sample of your DNA.”

“DNA? What’s that?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Ugh, I keep forgetting how young you are,” he groused. “It’s stuff found in your body that determines almost everything about you. How you look, how healthy you are, what your behavior tends to be, etcetera. All I need are a few strands of fur off your flanks to get the DNA I need.”

“Our flanks?!” Scootaloo exclaimed, hopping backwards with a blush. “Why do you need fur from there?”

“Duh, because that’s where your cutie marks will appear,” he explained as he levitated a pair of tweezers. “Cutie marks exist on the fur only, and thus the fur on the flank must somehow have some special genetic code that causes it to change color to form your cutie mark. I’ll also be taking some strands from elsewhere on your body for comparison, of course.”

“And how is this supposed to help us get our cutie marks?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Because if I can figure out what triggers a cutie mark appearing, I can force it to appear with medication.” He pushed a button, and the lights on Sweetie Belle’s helmet started blinking. Readings and pictures appeared on various screens of her skull and her brain. “Just take a few pills to coax your brain into triggering the reaction needed, and your cutie marks will appear within weeks.” He giggled manically and rubbed his front hooves together. “Of course, me getting filthy rich off this medicine is just a happy side effect.”

“Why would you want Diamond Tiara’s dad?” Sweetie Belle asked. She let out a small squeak as Insano’s floating tweezers extracted his DNA samples.

Scootaloo facehoofed. “I don’t think he meant it like that, Sweetie.”

Insano ignored the joke he didn’t understand and pressed a few buttons. Sweetie’s helmet powered down and the shackles holding her in place clicked open. “Okay, who’s next?”

“Me!” Apple Bloom trotted over happily and put her forelegs in place. “Ah can’t wait to get my cutie mark!”

“I’m sure you can’t,” he said with disinterest as he put the helmet on her head and started the machine up again.

Rainbow Dash frowned from her perch. “I guess he isn’t doing anything too bad,” she admitted. “I mean, he isn’t hurting them at all. And I guess it would be nice for blank flanks to just take a few pills and then get their cutie marks.”

Insano’s head snapped up to look right at her. Before she could react, the swirls on his goggles began spinning, and she found herself frozen in place. All there was in the universe was those swirls, and all she could hear was his voice echoing in her very skull.

“Excuse me a moment, fillies, I need to take care of something upstairs,” he said. “Don’t touch anything or Twilight will make sure your sisters ground you into oblivion.”

She heard the Crusaders’ response, but they sounded like they were far away, words turned to incomprehensible whispers by distance.

The mad scientist trotted up the stairs onto her level, not once breaking eye contact, not once releasing her from the spirals that kept her spellbound. “Back out the door, now,” he hissed. She found herself standing upright and doing as he instructed, turning around and trotting back out into the main room of Twilight’s home. “Turn to face me.” Again, she could only obey, and turned on her heel to look back into his goggles.

“I heard you following me, you know. Augmented senses tend to make it damn easy to hear spies. Really, it’s starting to get to be a pain in the ass to hypnotize each of you to hide my activities, and if I keep wiping the memories of you clods you’ll start getting suspicious,” he griped. “And I can’t exactly have Twilight knowing I’m using her lab or that I’m studying pony DNA, can I? That would raise questions that I don’t need right now.” On the edge of her senses, she could see the scientist smile wickedly. “You’ve been a thorn in my side ever since I got here, though. I think I’m going to have a bit of fun with you. And I have just the perfect… ‘request’ in mind…”

“…and then Silent Night reveals to Waxing Crescent that she’s really a changeling, and sweet Celestia, it’s so romantic! Wax doesn’t care at all and says she’ll stay with Silent no matter what she is, and the entire scene is punctuated with this brilliant metaphor about both of their masks cracking apart and drifting away as they, well… I won’t give the explicit details, but it really is sweet and extremely well written. If only I could write as half as good as the author, I might feel confident enough to put my own ideas to paper, but as it stands…”

Applejack just smiled and nodded as Twilight continued her rant. She probably should have known better than to ask Twilight about her favorite books, but she ended up not minding. She was only half listening; the sound of Twilight’s voice and the fact the unicorn looked so happy put her at ease on its own.

The two were sitting together at an outdoor café near the center of town. Celestia’s sun was shining through the clouds, ponies were busy going about their business in the streets nearby, and the pair’s plates had been long empty.

“Hey, Applejack, do you hear that zooming sound?”

“Wha–” The cowpony’s reverie was less broken and more pounded to dust by a rainbow blur slamming into her from the side with a loud crash, sending both her chair and her hat flying. She groaned and blinked to see Rainbow Dash atop her, the pegasus’ rose-colored eyes glazed over as she looked down at her friend. “Rainbow, what in tarnation are you- mrrmph!”

Applejack was cut off on both enjoyable and baffling terms. The pegasus had closed her eyes and locked lips with the orange mare, the cowpony freezing up in shock. Time froze along with her as if by magic. It quickly sped up again when Applejack started feeling tongue, her eyes widening in shock.

“Rainbow Dash, what are you doing?!” Twilight’s magic aura surrounded the pegasus and lifted her off the stunned cowpony.

Rainbow Dash blinked and shook her head, rubbing her eyes as her gaze came back into focus. “Wh… what? Where am I? What happened? Why does everything taste like apples? Why is everypony staring at me? Why are you on the ground, AJ? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Applejack blinked, her face burning with the intensity of a furnace. “Ah had no idea tongues could bend that way,” she muttered, her brain still struggling to process what had just happened.

“What happened is that you just tackled my date and made out with her!” Twilight hissed. “What the hay has gotten into you?!”

“I what?!” Rainbow Dash’s face turned from sky blue to blood red as she looked to Applejack, to Twilight, then back again. “I…I don’t remember doing that. Oh buck, I am so, so sorry! I don’t know what came over me. I don’t even know how I got here!”

“You don’t remember?” Twilight asked, looking over her friend with more concern than anger.

“Well, yeah, I…” The pegasus paused. “The last thing I remember is watching Insano earlier, like you told me to. I was just relaxing in my cloud, watching him go around town doing buck-all, then… I’m here.”

“Insano did this to you?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, he is so arrested!”

“I don’t know how he could have,” Rainbow said. “He was down here on the ground; I was way, way up in the air. I have no idea what happened.”

“Insano had to have done this; I don’t know how yet, but it must have been him.” Twilight sighed. “We’re going to have to keep an eye on him in pairs from now on. We can’t take any chances around him until the princess arrives.”

“When is Celestia getting here, anyway?” the pegasus asked.

“She said she’ll be delayed by a few days thanks to a dragoness deciding to lay her eggs at Neighagra Falls. Negotiations for her to move to someplace that doesn’t draw tourists are apparently going slow,” Twilight explained with a sigh. “We just have to hold out a little bit longer, I promise.”

“Well, I’m turning in for the day. And again… really sorry,” Rainbow said with a sigh before taking flight.

Twilight trotted up to the cowpony’s side and helped her back to all fours. “Are you okay, Applejack?”

“More than, sugarcube,” she responded with an almost drunken smile on her face.

Twilight blushed as she lead her date away from the scene. “Was she really that good a kisser?”

“You have no idea.”

Save the Scientist, Save the World

“Um, pardon me, but are you listening?”

Princess Luna snapped her eyes open and shook her head. She was still in her moonlit throne room, with a grey earth pony before her and her guards at attention all the way down the aisle. “I was a moment ago, at least; my sincerest apologies. Taking on my sister’s duties here in Canterlot as well as my own while she’s dealing with the dragoness problem at Neighagara Falls has taken its toll on my sleeping schedule.”

“Not a problem, your highness,” Octavia said, her polite smile ironed on her face like always. “Would you like me to ask later? I could always just come back tomorrow night.”

“No, no, you waited in line; you deserve an audience with me. Besides, I owe you one after all your private performances for me,” she said with a smile and a flutter of her eyelashes.

Octavia’s grey cheeks turned a bright shade of red as she cleared her throat. “Please, keep our history out of this, your highness. I am just another subject coming to you on the night court.”

Luna’s guards all gave their princess a look.

The princess herself rolled her eyes. “Not one of those performances, my little ponies… for once. Now, Octavia, please repeat your request?”

The cellist’s blush deepened, though her expression went unchanged. “I was hoping that you could arrange to make next Sunday a stormy night here in Canterlot.”

Luna raised a brow. “And why would I do that? I don’t think we’ve had a thunderstorm here in Canterlot in over four years, if I remember the records right. The ponies here expect the capitol of Equestria to have no inclement weather whatsoever.”

“I am aware, your highness. I know it is a tall order, but it’s just that my marefriend really loves listening to thunder and dancing in the rain. We’ve been dating for about two years now, and Sunday is our anniversary. I was planning to propose to her,” Octavia explained.

“You know I have many such romantic requests nightly, Octavia,” Luna said. “I cannot possibly fulfill them all.”

Octavia’s ears drooped, but she kept a straight face. “You’ve told me as much many times. I understand, your highness.”

The alicorn’s smile widened and her gaze softened. “But I think I can make an exception for you. Be sure to pack an umbrella.”

A smile that stretched from ear to ear found its way on Octavia’s face, though she tried and failed to suppress it. “Yes, your highness! Thank you, your highness!”

The night regent giggled and waved her hoof. “You are dismissed, Octavia. Let the next pony come in.”

Octavia bowed and cantered out of the throne room, a guard opening the chamber doors for her.

“The nobles will not be happy, your highness,” a guard mare to her side said. “You know how they get. You let it rain next week, and they’ll print in the papers that it’s a sign that you’re turning into Nightmare Moon again or some other tripe.”

“I’ll deal with that as it comes,” Luna said calmly. “I appreciate your concern, Dusky Plum, but I am more than capable of handling bad press. Besides, it’s more than worth it to have two lovers happy together, is it not?”

The bat-winged pegasus smirked. “If you say so, your highness.”

Luna’s ears perked up. She heard it. The sound of the universe. The sound of the universe that also happened to sound like a recording of the cries of a narwhal slowed down. The sound of the universe that in actuality was the sound of a large box tearing a hole in the fourth dimension of time and space. The phrase “sound of the universe” really fell apart upon thinking about it, she realized.

When she saw that blue police box show up in the center of her throne room, however, she ceased to care.

The door was barely open when Luna tackled its pilot.

“Doctor!”

“Luna, air, please!”

She let go of the disguised Time Lord when she heard the sound of swords being drawn. “Guards, stand down. This is the Doctor; I know this is your first time seeing him, but you know he is a friend.” She looked down and gasped.

The stallion’s coat was dark amber, his mane brown and spiky, as if he tried to comb it but it despised obeying the law of gravity with a passion. He still had the same hourglass cutie mark, though, as he always did. Something smelled off about him, though. There was another scent on him that she couldn’t place.

“You’ve… changed. This is not an incarnation I’ve seen before,” she said as she helped him back to all fours. “How many regenerations have you gone through?”

“This is my tenth life,” he said as he brushed himself off. “And from my perspective of time, it’s been a few years since I’ve seen you face to face. Entirely too long, I must say.”

The alicorn smiled and hugged him close, this time taking care not to crush him. “The last time I saw you was the night I became Luna again, two years ago. You were in your eighth incarnation still.”

“I remember that night very fondly,” he assured, hugging her back. “A lot has changed since then. I think you would have liked my ninth regeneration, but I was still recovering from…” He winced. “From the extinction of my species.”

Luna gasped. “The Time Lords are gone?”

The Doctor nodded. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. We can catch up later. Right now I need to warn you about something.”

Luna flicked her ear and huffed slightly. Two years of silence, and of course he came back not to talk with his old friend and his ex, but in a quest to save the world. Typical. “Warn me about what? What’s so great that you need to warn me about it?”

“Does the name Doctor Insano ring any bells?” he asked.

“You’re the master of time and space; you wouldn’t have come here to this exact moment and place if you thought I didn’t know that name,” she said flatly.

He chuckled as he started pacing. “Right, sorry, silly question. I’m here to tell you that this Doctor Insano isn’t actually a pony. He’s an alien, like me; a human, to be exact.”

“A human? One of those furless apes that look a lot like Time Lords?” she asked, following him with her eyes.

“Yes, he’s one of those,” he confirmed with a nod. “Not sure how he got here, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that he’s a very dangerous man. Incompetent in general, but he has his moments where he can put his scientific genius to deadly use. He’s also a wanted fugitive in many, many countries on his home world.”

“I shall send a contingent of guards to arrest him at once,” Luna said.

The Doctor held up his forehooves and waved them around. “No, no, don’t do that!”

Luna looked at him in confusion. “Why ever not? He’s a criminal, and a dangerous one.”

“Because you’ll need him later,” he hissed. “He’s a very dangerous man, but he’s also a very, very smart man. There are many other evils out there in the universe that will come knocking at your door in the near future, and you’ll need him to help you defeat them. That means becoming his ally, and getting thrown in jail is not a great way to start a relationship. Unless you’re kismeses, I suppose. Then it’s a great way to start it.”

Luna cleared her throat pointedly. “What kinds of evils are you talking about? Daleks?”

“Right, yes, sorry, getting off track.” He shook his head. “No, not Daleks. I’m not really sure I should tell you. I’m already altering the course of history by telling you to keep Insano out of jail and keeping him from leaving Equis, and I can tell you’re already cross with me for interfering so much as it is.”

“Very well, if you don’t wish to tell me what we’re up against, then at least tell me how to prepare,” she said, her voice asserting her royal authority.

“Oh, I remember how I used to love it when you talked like that,” he chuckled. He ignored her blush or just didn’t notice. “Two weeks from now, I suggest you evacuate all towns and cities south of Ghastly Gorge. They’re the first to get hit, and they will get hit hard.”

“Why not just station our armed forces in the south?” she asked.

“Because your armies won’t be able to do anything against what’s coming, besides maybe slow them down,” he explained through gritted teeth. “Your only offensive option is to send the Elements of Harmony on a journey to the gates of Tartarus once the attack starts. Make sure that Insano and Spoony go with them.”

“Spoony?” she repeated. “Who is this Spoony?”

“You’ll find out within the week,” he said with a wave of his hoof. “Just make sure he and Insano go with the Element bearers. They can’t do this alone.”

“And what are my sister and I to do while a bunch of young mares, a madman and a stranger go off to save our country?” she asked, her words tinged with ice.

“Get as many ponies as you can to Canterlot, have Shining Armor set up his shield, and minimize casualties.” He sighed, his ears flattening as he stopped pacing. “Many will die. I just hope it isn’t as many as before.”

A frown tugged at her lips as she trotted to his side. “I thought I smelled something on you… it’s the smell of death, isn’t it?” She nuzzled her cheek against his. “Yes, I can smell it clearly now. That’s the smell of burning corpses. You came here directly from the future, didn’t you?”

The Doctor pulled away and trotted toward the TARDIS. “I better go. Keep Insano on a short leash and the future may turn out better.”

“And if it doesn’t?” she asked.

“Then hopefully you’ll be hearing from me again.” The door to the TARDIS shut behind him as it faded from existence, the alien siren going off as it left.

Luna stared at the spot where the Doctor was a moment ago. She let out a sigh and trotted toward the throne room doors. “Night court is ending early tonight. I must get to my dream patrol duties. Captain Nightshade, make sure preparations are made for the evacuation in two weeks. The rest of you, I hope I don’t need to remind you of the punishment for loose lips regarding the Doctor.”

“Ma’am, no ma’am!” the guards chanted with a salute.

“Good.” She faded into her gaseous form and slithered out of the throne room and through the castle. It didn’t take her long to slip through the various nooks and crannies of the palace until she was in her private bedchamber. It was everything a princess could hope for. A luxurious bed with sheets as black as her night, with enough room to accommodate even the largest of her paramours; antique furniture topped with various artifacts and mementos from before her banishment; and of course a large television hooked up to every gaming system known to pony kind in an elaborate system that ran up the electric bill something fierce.

Her current bedmates were both sound asleep. Two earth ponies: the stallion with a white coat and a golden mane, the mare with a golden coat and white mane. She giggled and leaned in, kissing both their necks. “Goodnight, Rising Glory. Goodnight, Honey Bunny.” She purred softly to herself as she climbed in bed between them. “Stars above, I love bedding twins.”

As her eyes drift shut and she entered her domain in the world of dreams, she muttered, “Now, let’s see what this Insano is dreaming…”

Luna walked into the mad scientist’s dream in medias res, as she had expected. She was in somepony’s house, though it wasn’t of any design she was familiar with. Plain white walls with equally plain tan carpet with no embellishment and very thin halls. More than a few ponies she knew would gawk at the sheer lack of flair.

Her thoughts on human architecture came to a screeching halt when she heard a voice call throughout the house. It was difficult for her mind to process. It sounded female, but had an otherworldly edge to it. It sounded like a jigsaw of glitchy screaming orchestrated into a voice that could form words. Its tone was sickeningly sweet yet sinister, like a mother comforting her child while she held a knife behind her back.

“Hyuuuuumannnn…”

“Stay back! You’re not taking me, you hear?!”

The second voice was definitely male, though high pitched and scratchy like nails on a chalkboard. The alicorn roamed the halls to look for its source as the monstrous thing let loose a manic cackle that seemed to come from all directions. It sent a shiver down her spine.

“You’re only delaying the inevitable, hyuumannn,” it purred.

Another sound rang through the air. It was a high pitched, brief buzzing.

“I said stay back!”

“Your energy weapons are useless against my beauty. Why do you resist? You too are glitched.”

The world around Luna flickered. It briefly turned into a sea of static, but quickly reasserted itself. “What is going on here…?”

“I am not a glitch!” the male voice roared.

It laughed once more, drawing all warmth out of Luna’s body. “Your past is in flux, your future unknown, your body not your own… you are glitch. You are error. You are mine.”

The world flickered once again, and Luna soon found herself falling. Gone were the walls of a house. All that she saw was an endless void of static and all she heard was its endless hissing and that terrible laughter.

“Let me go! I am the great Doctor Insano, and I will not be some snack for a cosmic horror!”

Luna’s head snapped up, and she saw somepony – no, somebody nearby. It was a creature that looked a lot like the Doctor, but had longer hair and was wearing a lab coat. He struggled and kicked as the static started to eat away at his limbs.

“Hold on!” Luna flapped her wings and righted herself before flying through the hissing sea of white and black. She scooped up Insano and threw him onto her back.

“Wh-what the fuck?” he breathed as he wrapped his arms around her neck, panting. She could hear his heart pounding through his chest.

“You’re welcome,” she said with a shake of her head. Her horn glowed and she blasted into the sea of static. Nothing happened. “Oh dear.”

“Oh dear what? Who even are you?” he demanded.

“That spell is supposed to dispel nightmares. Why isn’t it working?” she muttered to herself as she flew around the colorless void.

“Nightmares?” he repeated. “Wait… wait, you’re Luna, aren’t you? This is all a dream. Yes, this is all a dream! Linkara killed Missing over a year ago!”

“Missing? Is that what this beast is called?” Luna asked over her shoulder. She hadn’t seen before, but he was wearing a most peculiar set of goggles with spiral patterns over the eyes.

“Shut up and let me concentrate!” he snapped. His hairless fingers clutched tighter around her chest as the world of white and black slowly turned into a collage of colors.

“I am glitch! I am error! I am the never should! You will not escape me!” the thing shrieked, tendrils of static wrapping around Luna’s hooves. She gasped as she felt herself being dragged down into the void. She looked down to behold a face among the static, two piercing, alien eyes looking back at her with a thin mouth curved into an angry snarl.

“You’re just a memory, you bitch, and you’re a damn ugly one at that,” Insano shouted down as a firm reality reasserted itself. With one last shriek, the thing called Missing was gone, and in the place of its domain of endless static was what Luna recognized to be Twilight Sparkle’s library.

“What was that thing?” Luna asked, releasing a breath she didn’t even know she was holding as Insano got off her back.

“An eldritch horror from beyond the veil of space and time. More importantly, the fuck are you doing in my dreams? That is a major invasion of privacy!” he chided as he pulled up a chair that wasn’t there a second ago and plopped himself into it.

Luna narrowed her eyes and sat down herself, mentally summoning a proxy of her throne. “I should be asking what you’re doing in Equestria, human,” she said with regal authority. “Few aliens have permission to land on Equis’ surface, and you are not one of them.”

“I came here by accident, and- wait, what? So you ponies do know about extraterrestrial life?” he asked, his annoyance all but forgotten in the wake of curiosity.

“My sister and I know many things.”

“And of course you answer with cryptic bullshit. Why should I expect anything less from an immortal magical talking horse?” he groaned, rubbing his temples in his hands.

“Just like we also know that you are a wanted fugitive on your own world,” she continued. “I came here to investigate your dreams and see if there was anything I could learn about you before she arrives to meet you.”

“Well whoop-de-fucking-do, you learned what I really looked like and that I utterly failed to stop a modern Lovecraftian monstrosity from devouring my home world. And now I know that you know about me, making future espionage work much harder on you. Great work there, jackass,” he sniped.

“Oh, quite on the contrary,” Luna said with a smirk. “You won’t remember any of this come morning.”

“Ah, right, you’re the master of dreams. Fuck,” he cursed. “Well, I guess thanks for letting me know this is a dream so I could get to lucid dreaming. Now would you kindly fuck off?”

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” she said with a roll of her eyes as she dismissed her throne. “I have thousands of dreams to peruse before the night is out anyway.”

“Yeah, have fun with those wet dreams, you sick stalker bitch,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand as his dreamscape began to rearrange itself.

She smirked and flicked her tail before she vanished. “Always do.”

Forward Unto Dawn

The palace halls were silent, save for Celestia’s own hoofsteps echoing in their vast expanse. The only living souls she encountered were the night guard. Most of them nodded to acknowledge her, while the rookies hastily bowed as she passed and the veterans who knew her well simply continued on with their rounds.

The silence continued until she entered her semi-private dining room; semi because since Luna returned, it was also hers. It was a relatively small room compared to the rest of the palace’s cavernous testaments to the fact Celestia personally owned the country’s treasury. Crimson red carpet from ancient Saddle Arabia ran from wall to wall, though Saddle Arabia wasn’t so ancient when she first got it. The walls were adorned with paintings from various past protégés of hers whose talents extended beyond magic and into the realm of putting paint to canvas, save for one wall that was made entirely out of glass and looked out to the horizon. She could see the moon low on the horizon clearly through the windows, casting its soft glow across the hills west of Canterlot.

Her sister was seated at the mahogany dining table, having what would be breakfast for anypony else given the hour, but dinner for her. Celestia smirked, recalling the story behind that table. The salespony who sold it to her said something about how it was made from fire breathing trees from some place called Malachor or something and could bend the fabric of reality. She was fairly sure he was quite insane. All she cared about was the nice table.

“Ah, sister, you’re back!” Luna greeted, her ears perking up. “I take it negotiations ended well?”

“I managed to talk her into moving her nest and her eggs to the Crystal Mountains with a bribe of gems. I don’t think she’ll be bothering anypony there.” Celestia took her seat on the cushion opposite her sister. She discarded her fake polite smile she wore for the masses and relaxed, a much more genuine grin crossing her face. “How’s the political zoo been since I left?”

“Rowdy as ever,” Luna sighed as she speared a mini tomato with great prejudice, sending its juices across her plate, and biting into it as if it’d insulted her mother. “Hoity Toity remains amiable, but he’s about the only one. Money Bags the Seventeenth is still trying to buy out Filthy Rich’s enterprises down south and just about everything else with a price tag. The words ‘monopolies are illegal’ don’t seem to get through to the old codger.” She skewered a few leaves of lettuce and bit into them, angrily chewing as she continued the list. “The heads of the Kicker family are still lobbying their plots off to raise our military budget, as if it isn’t obvious they’re just trying to raise their own salaries and make themselves as important as they’ve always thought they are.” Her plate empty, she threw manners out the window and chugged the last of her mead. “The price of Zebrabwean ore continues to rise and the queen refuses to budge because she still thinks we’re hiding political fugitives from her.” She huffed as she coated her fork in butter. “I miss the days when our country was small enough to not have to deal with all this fuss.”

“Such is the curse of being the leader of a world superpower,” Celestia sighed. “You just have to learn to find enjoyment where you can.”

Luna smiled at her sister as she snapped up her fork and swallowed it. “Yes, I suppose so.”

Celestia eyed her fellow diarch before asking, “Sis, why did you just eat your fork?”

“The doctor said that I need more iron in my diet,” she responded as if she’d been asked why water was wet before sending her spoon to join her fork.

“Lulu, I highly, highly doubt he intended for you to get it from your silverware,” Celestia sighed.

“What better source of iron than actual iron?” Luna asked with a confused look on her face.

Celestia stared at her sister for a good long while before saying, “I hate it when I can’t argue with your logic.”

The side doors to the kitchen opened, and out trotted a young unicorn mare with a grey coat and electric blue mane tied into a braided ponytail. Her horn was glowing and she held a platter with the sun princess’s favorite breakfast assortment. “Welcome back, your highness,” she greeted in her Canterlot accent with a smile. Celestia had seen the mare around the castle many times and knew her by name – of course she did, the mare was their personal waitress – but what drew her attention is what she was wearing.

“A Prench maid outfit? Really, Lulu? That’s what you have our personal staff wearing while I’m gone?”

“Don’t you like?” Luna asked with a smug smile.

“If you want, I can take it off,” the servant said meekly as she set Celestia’s breakfast down.

“No, Silver Platter, it’s fine,” the princess mumbled, struggling to get her blush under control.

The mare smiled and bowed, cantering back into the kitchen with Luna’s empty plate. The solar regent struggled to keep her eyes off the frilly undergarments that Luna had provided the unicorn. Celestia waited until the door closed to say, “I will get you back for that.”

“Why, whatever do you mean? I thought you loved Prench fashion,” Luna said coyly.

“This was to get me back for all the times I’ve interrupted your bed-rocking sessions, isn’t it?” Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow as she dug into her food.

“Oh, I haven’t even gotten started getting you back for that, Tia,” Luna said with a devious smile.

“Yes, about that, what have I told you about having sex with the staff?” she responded, trying to derail the conversation before it pulled into Celestia Has a Prench Maid Outfit Fetish Station.

Luna hummed in thought before saying with a completely straight face, “Share?”

“No, to not do it,” she huffed as heat rushed to her cheeks anew. “If the press ever finds out, you’ll never hear the end of it.” She raised her cup of tea to her lips.

“Sorry dear sister, but I really don’t want to wait years on end to court lovers in secret like you do,” Luna sighed. “You really do just need to come out and ask Twilight on a date.”

Celestia’s eyes shot open and she sprayed her tea all over the table. “E-excuse me?” she choked out.

“Twilight Sparkle,” she repeated as if she were talking to an amnesiac. “Your protégé. I see the way she looks at you, and you haven’t had a paramour in, what, three decades?”

Celestia narrowed her eyes as her horn glowed, extracting the tea from the table’s surface and returning it to her cup. “Even if I were interested in such an arrangement, she is far too young for me.”

“Tia, we’re older than the Everfree Forest itself. Everypony is too young for us,” Luna reminded.

“Lulu…” She sighed. “Things aren’t the way they used to be. We can’t just point to a pony and take them back to our bedchamber anymore for a quick roll in the sheets. The legal marrying age also isn’t thirteen anymore. Ponies have standards now, and I’ve adopted those standards. One of those standards is to not court ponies that are only recently legal adults.”

“I miss the simpler days more and more,” Luna groaned.

“And that’s your prerogative. But as for me and my love life, Twilight is too young, and I’d appreciate it if you dropped the subject,” Celestia said firmly.

“Only if you stop butting into my love life too,” her sister shot back.

The older alicorn let out a groan. “You’re impossible sometimes.” She looked at her plate. She’d barely touched her food. She pushed it away and got to her hooves. “I’m not all that hungry. I have to prepare to go to Ponyville to investigate this Insano character.”

Just as she turned to leave, the locks on the door glowed with Luna’s magic aura and slid shut. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” the night princess said. “The Doctor dropped by two nights ago and warned me about Insano, and something far worse in our future.”

Celestia turned to her sister. The younger alicorn’s face was suddenly very grave, all hint of sisterly playfulness thrown in a ditch.

“Tell me everything.”

At the same time that Celestia was wandering the halls of her palace, the early morn was still and quiet to the south, in Ponyville. Everypony laid in their beds save for a few night owls, including Twilight Sparkle’s actual pet owl who was tasked with making sure Insano didn’t creep out of bed to get up to any mischief. His owner was fast asleep in her bed.

That tranquility naturally went right out the window before the sun arrived. Whirling wind and flying pages could be heard outside her room, though the unicorn was too exhausted from keeping up with Insano the previous day to hear it. Owlowiscious hooted frantically and flew from his perch and onto his owner’s head, flapping his wings to try to wake her up.

“Wh-what?” she groaned as she swatted at whoever dared to wake her. Her eyes groggily opened and her ears flicked as the owl flitted away, still hooting his head off. “Owlowiscious, what’s gotten into you?” Her ears perked up when she heard the wind outside her door pick up and the sound of magic sparks hitting matter. “No… no, it can’t be.”

She bolted out of her bed and galloped out of her room. The moment she opened the door she was blinded by a blast of pure white light. She screwed her eyes shut with a yelp and covered her face with her forelegs.

When the light dimmed, she cautiously opened her eyes once more. The burst of light left her vision blurred and swimming with colored spots. She shook her head and blinked. All she could see was a tall, bipedal silhouette standing in the center of the library’s main room.

“Wh-who are–?”

Her question was cut off when the figure pulled something from its hip. Twilight was engulfed in a magical aura and pulled out of the doorway to her bedroom, unceremoniously landing on the floor in a heap. She groaned and looked up as it pulled out something else with its other foreleg. It pointed the twin long objects in opposite directions. A bolt of blue light went into Twilight’s room, cutting off her pet owl’s hooting, and a bolt of silver light hit the door to the outside, the lock snapping shut.

“Who are you?” she asked in a panic as she scrambled away, the thing’s forelegs returning to its sides. “How did you figure out time travel? What did you do to Owlowiscious?!”

“Calm down; I just hit him with a sleeping charm. I can’t afford letting anypony know I’m here,” said a very familiar female voice. It held up its foreleg again and flicked it, turning on the lights. It didn’t have forelegs at all; it had arms ending in hands, fingers and all. Clutched in both with a soft but steady grip were twin wooden wands, each surging with magic power.

Twilight gasped as she looked the intruder over. “You’re…you’re…!”

The other pony nodded and smiled. “You. From another time and place.”

Twilight looked her new future self over. She looked relatively the same, save for the new hands and the fact she walked on her hind hooves. Same purple fur, same dark sapphire blue mane and tail with pink streaks. She wore black leather armor with plates of steel reinforcing it, the armored plates bearing arcane inscriptions that Twilight was only vaguely familiar with. Strips of black cloth cascaded down her shoulders with writing in gold whose meanings Twilight could only guess at. What little fur she could see was covered in dark blue tattoos of arcane runes.

“What happened to you?” Twilight breathed. “What happened to us?”

“Many things, none of them pleasant. Hopefully we can change that,” the future Twilight said as she took off her hat and looked it over, a black witch’s hat with many burn marks and holes. “Damn, bastards really did a number on my hat.”

“Well, tell me then, before the spell wears out!” Twilight begged, shifting on her hooves in worry.

“Calm down,” her future self said as she put her hat on her head. “Starswirl’s theorem on time travel was incomplete; I finished it. The spell should last a few more minutes, though I don’t know how long exactly. Besides, I did the smart thing and wrote down what I think you need to know.” She reached into one of her suit’s many pockets and pulled out a folded up piece of parchment. Twilight took it in her magic field and started to unfold it when her future self added, “Please… don’t read it until I’m gone. Changing the course of history while I’m still in the past may have catastrophic consequences. Granted, we’re already making a time paradox, but I don’t want to take any more chances than necessary. This whole thing is a last resort.”

“Last resort?” Twilight repeated as she put the folded up message on her desk. “How bad are things in the future?”

Her future self locked gazes with her. The eyes that stared back at the younger Twilight were the eyes of somepony who had seen far too much in their life. They were worn out. Tired. Tired and ready to go to sleep.

“I’ll tell you if you can start up a cup of tea for me. I haven’t had tea in… I think two years,” future Twilight said as she walked into the kitchen.

Twilight trotted close behind her and did as she was bidden, her horn glowing as she threw open various drawers and cupboards. “Of course.”

Her future self pulled up a chair and sat in it with a sigh of relief. As Twilight filled the pot with water and started to heat it up, she looked at her future self with more scrutiny over her shoulder. Her neck and face were covered in scars, and Twilight could see the edges of more in the gaps of her armor. Some were long gashes left by a blade, but most of them were circles. They couldn’t be the product of arrows; perhaps spears or javelins.

“It’s nice to be home again,” future Twilight mumbled as she relaxed, just gazing at the ceiling.

“Why couldn’t you go back home in your own time?” Twilight asked, realizing she’d get an answer she wouldn’t like after the question left her mouth.

“I’m not sure I should tell you. You’ll just try to avoid it in ways that I didn’t outline for you in that letter and go nuts with stress,” her future self said with a flick of her tail.

“I learned my lesson with my… well, our first time travel fiasco. I’ll take the future as it comes, and I promise to only focus on what you told me to,” the unicorn vowed, turning to her guest as the pot heated.

Her future self was silent for a few seconds. “Ponyville was abandoned a few years back,” she finally admitted. “We all left it to the Everfree Forest. I think it burned down a few weeks ago. I definitely remember seeing fire in that direction from Canterlot.”

Visions of Ponyville overgrown with weeds and infested with the monsters of the forest before burning to the ground took over Twilight’s mind’s eye. “You live in Canterlot now?” she asked, trying to keep her voice level.

“Used to,” her future self said wearily.

Twilight bit her lip and screwed her eyes shut. “Did… something happen to Canterlot?”

There was another bout of silence, only interrupted by the pot as it began to boil. Her future self looked her straight in the eye. “How about we cut to the chase? Do you want to know what the future is like as I know it? All of it?”

Twilight opened her eyes and looked about as if her answer would be somewhere on the floor. “Yes. I think I’d never stop wondering what happened if I didn’t know for sure.”

“I was afraid you’d say that,” her future self sighed. She turned her gaze downward into her hands in her lap as she wrung her fingers together. “I cast this spell from the throne room in Canterlot palace. When I left, it was under siege. The enemy had already broken through the main gate, and I could hear fighting just outside.”

“Oh no…” Twilight breathed, her ears flattening. “Wh-what about our friends?”

She winced as her future self’s hands tightened into fists. “Our friends… our friends are all dead. Fluttershy committed suicide a year ago. Rainbow Dash died in the Third Battle of Ghastly Gorge a year before that. A few months before that, Pinkie Pie died in the Second Battle. I saw Rarity die right in front of me two nights ago, when the siege on Canterlot started. All that’s left is Applejack, Spike and I, and… and they won’t last much longer.” Her knuckles turned white and her hands started to bleed as her nails dug into them. “And if there is a future for me to return to… I won’t see another sunrise, myself.”

Twilight sat down. She didn’t even feel the wooden floor beneath her. She didn’t feel anything but the tears forming in her eyes. Everything else was so much wasted space and noise. “They…they can’t be dead.” She shook her head and wiped the tears away with her forelegs. “What did that to them…? What happened?” She gasped when she felt her future self’s hand on her head. She looked up to see her smiling sadly.

“I don’t think I can tell you. You’ll find out. And if you follow my instructions, things will go better,” she assured, kneeling down and pulling the pony into a tight hug.

“Wh…what about y-you?” Twilight stammered, hugging her future self close. “If I change the future, what’ll happen to you?”

“I have… two theories. No certainties, since this has never been done before that I know of,” she whispered as she stroked her younger self’s mane. “One, the flow of time splinters and I go back to my timeline, awaiting my death. Two, there’s no future for me to go back to, so I cease to exist when the spell wears off.” One of her hands clenched in Twilight’s mane. “I hope it’s the latter.”

Twilight gasped and pulled away, looking her double dead in the eye. “But why? Why would you want that?”

“Because I accepted my death a long time ago. What does it matter if I’m extra dead?” she asked with a joking smile. “Besides, it’ll mean that I never existed in the first place. It’ll mean I succeeded.”

Twilight looked down, her lips pursed into a thin line as her eyes continued to water. “Aren’t you scared…?”

“No, I’m not. I don’t remember this meeting; I already know that this won’t create a stable time loop,” her future self admitted. “I know things will turn out differently. I just hope it turns out better.”

Twilight pulled her future self back into an embrace, hugging her tighter than she’d ever hugged anyone before, her eyes screwed shut as the tears flowed. “I’ll make sure of it. I promise I won’t let any of our friends die! I’ll make a future you’d want to be a part of!” She started shaking as she sobbed into her future self’s chest. “I’m just… I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that…”

There were a few more moments of silence before she felt a hand run through her mane. “Thank y–”

Twilight saw a flash of light behind her eyelids, and suddenly all she was hugging was air. She blinked her eyes open, but she already knew what she would see. Her future self was gone. The room was empty.

A loud whistling sound pierced through her melancholy. She looked up to see that the water was ready. Her ears flattened against her head as she took it off the stove and finished preparing the tea. She went through the motions robotically, all sense of time gone. Next thing she knew it she was stirring sugar into the cup. She looked down at it and saw her own muddled reflection staring back up at her. She lifted the cup up and brought it to her lips.

Her own tears had already tainted it with salt.

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Haha Part 1

“Insano, wake up,” said a voice on the edge of his consciousness. It sounded tired and moaning, like some sort of specter. The sleepy mind of the scientist briefly contemplated if he was going to awaken to a shitty rendition of A Christmas Carol, with him as the Scrooge. He’d heard something about Linkara’s 1920s gangster stereotype with the nice voice being subjected to that last Christmas. What was his name? Harley? Harry? Charlie? Insano could not give less of a fuck.

The voice sighed and he suddenly found himself with tons of fucks to give. More accurately, to fling angrily at whomever the hell it was that had just shoved him out of bed.

“Ow, my head!” He snarled as he scrambled back onto his hooves to see a purple plot trotting away from him. “The hell was that for?!”

Twilight looked back at him over her shoulder. Bags drooped under her bloodshot eyes. They made her face look like it was just a wax mask that was starting to melt from the warmth of spring.

“Didn’t feel like playing our little game where you sleepily insult me when I try to wake you up before I give up and just jab your plot with my horn,” she grumbled before resuming her trot to the door. Her hooves were dragging along the floor as if they were solid blocks of uranium tied to her legs. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

Insano’s ear twitched as he listened closely to the world around him. He could faintly hear Twilight’s heartbeat before she slipped out the door; it was erratic and much faster than normal. He hummed in thought as he followed her lead.

“The hell happened to you, Plumplot?” he asked. His eyes were drawn to her mane. There were several strands of hair stuck together by clumps of something deep red.

“I could sue you for sexual harassment for that nickname, you know,” she reminded, not even turning to look at him as she trotted into the kitchen.

“The fucks I give can be expressed by how many fingers I have. Namely: zero,” he deadpanned. “Besides, I don’t have a single bit to my name. You would get something between jack and shit.”

She took her seat at the kitchen table. Spike slipped a plate of pancakes in front of her, and she only grunted in thanks. “I’m not in the mood to deal with you, Insano,” she mumbled.

“Just tell me what happened last night,” he said as Spike slipped his own plate of pancakes in front of him. “You look like you got mugged by the sandman.”

“Sandman? What even–” She shook her head and took a bite of her breakfast. “Never mind. I just had a bad nightmare last night is all. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Must have been one hell of a nightmare,” he said as he started wolfing down his own food. “So, who bled on you?”

The mare choked on her fork and spluttered out, “E-excuse me?!”

“Are you okay, Twilight?” Spike asked as he rushed to her side.

“I can see dried blood in your mane,” Insano said slowly. “How did it get there?”

“I fell out of bed,” she said hastily, shrugging off her dragon assistant and eating her breakfast faster. “Hit my head and I guess I didn’t notice I was bleeding.”

Insano crossed his forelegs and hummed in thought. “I highly doubt it’s yours, given how it’s on the surface and on the back of your head, with no sign of bleeding from that area or any wounds I can see on your legs.”

“Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?” she snapped. If it were possible to angrily drink orange juice, Twilight somehow managed it.

“Concerned? Don’t get misty-eyed on me,” he scoffed. “I’m just curious. You’re hiding something. I don’t like things being hidden from me.”

“Leave her alone,” Spike said firmly as he bit into a ruby. “She had a rough night, and that’s all either of us need to know.”

“But not all that I do know,” Insano said with a swig from his glass. “Her heart rate is accelerated. Sleep deprivation typically causes the heart rate to slow down, so she must have taken some sort of stimulant. Caffeine, perhaps? Tell me, Twilight, how much tea did you have last night?”

“How the hay do you know what her heart rate is?” Spike demanded, standing up on his chair.

“Spike, calm down. He isn’t worth getting angry over,” Twilight said as she glared at the stallion, waving for Spike to sit back down.

“Implants and modifications to myself,” he responded coolly. “The natural ear is such an inefficient thing. Now that I’ve answered your question, how about you be polite and answer mine?”

“Polite? Polite?!” Spike balked. “What would you know about polite?! You’ve been nothing but a raging plothole ever since you got here!”

“Spike, please lower your voice and watch your language,” Twilight said firmly, her ear twitching.

The edges of Insano’s lips twisted into a grin. “You heard your sister-mother, kid. Sit down and shut up.”

“Give me one good reason to not throw you out of here,” Twilight growled, brandishing her knife. “You’ve caused me and my friends nothing but grief since you got here. I don’t know exactly how you’re doing it, but you’re messing with our heads. Do you know what happened yesterday?”

“No, I don’t,” he lied, his smile not faltering.

Her eye twitched. “Yesterday, I found Rarity and Pinkie Pie swapping spit behind a bush in the park. They were in a trance. When they snapped out of it, they didn’t remember a thing.”

“Really? I didn’t think they were each other’s type,” he said with a coy shrug.

“That’s because they’re not,” she hissed. “I know that you know about it because I know that you did it!”

“And how do you know that? Do you somehow know for sure that I was in the park yesterday? You certainly weren’t around; you should’ve said hi,” he suggested.

“Stop playing dumb!” she roared, standing up from her seat and slamming her forehooves on the table. “I know that you know we’ve been following you!”

“Temper temper,” he chided, his grin only growing. “Is that any example to set for your little Spike? Do as you say, not as you do?”

Twilight gave him a glare that clearly told him that she was not only contemplating murder, but contemplating how to pull it off. Insano was way ahead of her and planning ways to stop her if she tried. “I’m not that hungry,” she mumbled as she hopped her hooves off the table and trotted out the kitchen. “I’m going for a walk to clear my head.”

“Twilight, please, you need rest!” Spike hopped down from his chair and walked beside her, fretting with Insano creeping up behind them. He leaned in and whispered, “And please don’t leave me alone with him!”

“I won’t be gone long,” Twilight assured, kissing Spike on the forehead as she levitated saddle bags onto her back. Insano saw the mare slip a folded piece of parchment off her desk and into her pack that he didn’t recognize. “Stay safe, stay out of trouble. The latter goes double for you, Insano.”

“Whatever,” he snorted. She sent another wave of hate his way before she cantered out the front door, giving it a slam for good measure. “Twenty, nineteen, eighteen…”

Spike snarled and turned on his heel. “See what you did?!”

“…fifteen, fourteen, thirteen…”

“Twilight won’t even tell me what happened last night, and now you have to go and make her day even worse before it’s barely even started!” the dragon continued to rant, emerald flames snorting out his nostrils.

“…six, five, four…”

“What are you muttering?!” he demanded, grabbing the taller pony by his front.

“One.” Insano activated his hypno vision, the young dragon’s eyes instantly glazing over. “How long I should wait before I should start shadowing her, kid. She’s clearly not in a stable mental state, and we don’t want her hurting herself, do we? Now, just let me go, and I’ll go make sure she doesn’t do anything she’ll regret. That makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Spike nodded slowly.

“Good boy.” Insano patted the lizard’s head before trotting out the door himself. He spotted his target down the street, headed west toward the park. The day had already started for the rest of the town, and dozens of ponies were out and about doing whatever the hell it was talking ponies did with their days. All that Insano cared about was that they were around. “Too many witnesses to hypnotize the information out of her,” he mumbled as he started trotting after Twilight, keeping close to the alleys in case he needed to duck inside.

Hiding did not prove to be an issue when Twilight took a turn. A turn right into the middle of the market section of town. Then the problem became picking out the plum-purple posterior out of the prismatic plethora of pony plots and profiles presented before him.

“Goddammit,” he swore under his breath. The crowd got thicker and thicker with each step. He tried to crane his neck and stand on his tip-toes to try to keep an eye on Twilight.

That’s when gravity and the ground quickly reminded him that he no longer had any toes or tips thereof to stand on.

“Fuck, my nose,” he grumbled as he spat up a mouthful of grass and tried to get back up. A hoof stepping on the back of his head told him that Lady Luck did not like him that day. “Mmph!”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry!” exclaimed a familiar voice. “I didn’t notice- wait. It’s just you.” Rarity huffed. “In that case, I’m not sorry.” She stepped more forcefully on his head, slamming his face into the dirt before she continued as if nothing had happened.

“She dies first,” he mumbled into the soil as he got back on all fours. He rubbed the back of his head and scanned the crowd. Several purple ponies were about, but not the same shade as Twilight. His mark was gone. “Well this turned out just fucking great.”

He hummed in thought before slipping through the masses and into an alleyway. He looked around to make sure there were no witnesses before he turned his gaze downward. His storage retrieval device activated and his gaydar assembled itself in front of him.

“Let’s see if I can lock on to her specific signal,” he muttered, picking it up in his magic grip. “If I remember right, she was in the Ellen DeGeneres range.” He turned it on and the second it flickered to life it started going wild. “Wh-what the everloving fuck?!” He held it steady with his hooves – or at least as well as one could with a pair of blunt limbs – and looked at the screen while the device sparked. “Huge readings to the north and approaching fast. It isn’t even here yet and we’re getting into the gigaqueer range!” He let out a yelp of surprise as the device fried right in front of him, letting out a shower of sparks before dying. “Goddammit, not again!” He slammed the useless hunk of scrap on the ground, his chest heaving. “Who in the name of Schrodinger’s lost pussy could possibly be that gay?!”

Not that far to the north, in her luxurious flying chariot, Celestia sneezed.

They're Coming to Take Me Away, Haha Part 2

Celestia looked over the side of her chariot as it approached the small village of Ponyville. A hundred or so thatch roof houses lay just ahead, huddled around a small river and just on the edge of the forest. Ponies looked up in awe, and she could hear their chatter as word quickly spread that they had seen her. She smiled softly to herself; she could remember when it was just a single farmhouse. The town was quaint, peaceful, calm…

Just like every other town that had bordered the Everfree Forest.

She blinked and willed those thoughts to the back of her mind. “Keep your mind on the present,” she whispered to herself under her breath. The chariot began to descend as it circled around the clock tower at the town’s center. The gathering crowd gave her two personal guards room as they came in for a landing.

When wheels met grass, the princess stepped down from her seat and onto the natural green carpet, adjusting the designer saddle bags on her back. The ponies around her all bowed in silence and reverence. She just smiled her polite, porcelain smile at the crowd as a certain old mare scrambled up to her.

“Good morning, your highness,” Mayor Mare greeted with a deep bow. “We had no idea you were coming, or we would have had a more formal reception! What brings you to our neck of the woods?”

“You did not know because I did not tell anypony I was coming. I wanted it to be a surprise,” she said, her smile not breaking as she motioned for the mayor and the rest of the assembly to stand again. “I am here for business, however, not leisure.”

“Business?” Mayor repeated. “What is it that you need from us, your highness? All of our taxes are in order and the Elements of Harmony have kept the town safe from harm.”

“I have no doubt,” Celestia chuckled. “Actually I am here to speak with the Element Bearers and an immigrant that I hear has come to town. Does the name Doctor Insano ring any bells, Mayor?”

Whispers swept across the masses as Mayor’s countenance grew cold. “Yes, I do. Quite the surly one, he is. He wanders about town a lot of the time but mostly keeps to himself. Thank goodness, I say; when he does talk, every other word out of his mouth is a curse, an insult, or both. Do you want me to bring him to you?”

“That would be lovely,” Celestia said with a nod.

The alicorn’s ear swiveled toward the crowd as a ruckus arose within it, other nearby ponies turning their heads.

“Make way! Coming through! You need to go on a diet, plump plot. Move bitch, get out da way!” a scratchy male voice shouted among various exclamations of annoyance.

“Oh sweet Celestia,” the Mayor breathed, burying her face in her hooves.

“Right here,” the princess chimed with a grin as she turned her head to face the disruption.

A stallion burst through the crowd, his white-furred chest heaving. He shook his head to get his neon green mane out of his eyes. Or, more accurately, out of his goggles. “You…!” he snarled, taking what she supposed was meant to be a threatening step forward. Considering their comparative size and power, it was about as threatening as a puppy nipping at her tail.

“Don’t you dare approach or address the princess that way!” Mayor Mare barked. “Bow, you insufferable ingrate!”

“I don’t bow for anyone!” he shrieked back, turning his attention to the mayor. “Least of all a rich immortal fuck who lives in a shining castle on top of a mountain while six little girls do her fucking dirty work!” A collective gasp went through the crowd, and Celestia heard the distinct sound of bodies hitting grass from fainting.

Celestia’s smile did not fade or waver. “Whatever seems to be the problem, Doctor?”

“Well, for one, the ponies of this town elected a royalist bitch,” he spat, turning back on Celestia.

“Why, I never,” Mayor huffed.

“But ignoring that,” Insano continued, “thank you for reminding me why I came here. Namely: you broke my fucking gaydar!” He pulled a hunk of twisted metal and plastic out from behind him and threw it at her feet.

The silence that pervaded the center of Ponyville was total and absolute. It was so quiet, anypony could have heard a pin drop. Anypony could have heard a pebble drop. Even the wind itself went still as if to say “oh shit.”

“Pardon?” Celestia asked evenly.

“My gaydar,” he repeated with an angry snort. “It measures gayness. With science. You broke it. You came from the north, yes?”

“That is correct,” she said with a nod.

“Right before it practically exploded in my face,” he growled, “it picked up a fucking ludicrous reading of homo approaching from the north. It was so gargantuan, so strong, that it utterly broke it and somehow caused extensive internal damage. Well, excuse me, princess, but its estimated arrival time coincides exactly with when your chariot got here.”

Celestia swept her eyes across the crowd. There was a mix of rage and confusion among the faces and in the eyes of the ponies she could see. Rage directed at Insano for his insubordination, disrespect and accusations, and confusion about whether his accusations were true and what they meant. She opened her mouth to speak when her eyes met with Twilight Sparkle’s. She was at the front of the crowd, eyes on her mentor, her gaze full of trepidation, worry, fear… she could swear that she also saw a sparkle of hope. She gave her student a reassuring smile.

“You caught me,” the alicorn said with a smile and a shrug.

“Wh-what?” Mayor Mare balked, swerving around and gawking at her diarch.

“I don’t like stallions. Physically, anyway,” she elaborated. “I’m open to romantic relations with a stallion, but I’m not fond of intimate ones. I vastly prefer the company of mares in my bedchamber, should I ever find one I care about deep enough who reciprocates.” Her eyes swept across the crowd once more, her eyes narrowing with a glint of a dagger in her eye. “Does anypony have a problem with that?”

Silence once again pervaded the city center as the ponies exchanged nervous glances and blushes of varying degrees. The only sound was the wind, which had picked up again as if to say, “fuck this, I’m out.”

Celestia’s smile widened ever so slightly at the look of relief on Twilight’s face. “I thought so.” She turned her attention back to the fuming scientist. “You want me to replace this gaydar of yours, yes? I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to make one, and I don’t think anypony else does either.”

“I’m not out for compensation, you twat; I’m out for blood! Nobody breaks my stuff,” he growled. “Nobody!” A blast of yellow light shot out of his goggles and hit Celestia square in the chest.

“Princess!” Twilight called out along with her friends among the crowd.

Celestia, however, was completely unaffected. She looked with disinterest to the spot where Insano shot her and to Insano himself, whose legs started quaking and lips started sputtering like a beached fish.

“That tickled,” she said with a devious grin and dark mirth.

“That…that…that shouldn’t be survivable! That can’t be survivable!” Insano insisted as if he were trying to argue the rules with reality itself.

“When the books say that alicorns are indestructible, they mean indestructible,” she said, flaring her wings. “Now, I came here to talk to you, and we will talk. Understood?”

The stallion shrunk away and nodded rapidly, his hair bouncing. “Y-yes, ma’am.”

“Good.” She looked to the crowd and cleared her throat. She announced in the royal Canterlot voice, “Everypony return to your normal activities! We wish to have some privacy with the doctor and the Elements of Harmony!”

The crowd quickly dispersed like a mass of mice before a giant cat. The Mayor bowed again and offered her apologies, but Celestia wasn’t listening. Soon all that was left were the Element bearers themselves, who were rushing to her side, and “Time Turner,” who was looking at her confusedly. She sent him a look that said, “not you, Doctor,” and he nodded before galloping away.

“Are you okay, Princess?” Twilight asked worriedly, leaping up and hugging her mentor tight.

“I’m fine, Twilight,” Celestia assured, hugging the unicorn back and stroking her mane.

“I can see this is an intimate moment; I’ll just excuse myself,” Mayor Mare mumbled before slipping away.

“The buck is wrong with you?!” Applejack roared, shoving her face against Insano’s. “You just tried to kill ‘er!”

“Yeah, but he didn’t. Celestia is way too awesome to get punked out like that,” Rainbow said with a smirk.

“Which I suppose is why you cried out in terror and worry like the rest of us?” Rarity asked with a knowing smirk.

“It was a reflex,” the pegasus huffed.

“She wrecked my gaydar!” he shouted back, pushing his head against Applejack’s until they were even. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to build parts that defy conventional physics and logic? Here’s a hint: it’s easier trying to figure out just what the hell is going on in Pinkie Pie’s cotton candy cranium.”

“That’s no reason to go around tryin’ to murder folks!” Applejack snapped in return, pushing back. The two started a sort of reverse tug-of-war with each other’s foreheads as they shouted back and forth, Fluttershy trying to intercede but getting nowhere. Rarity and Pinkie Pie were off to the side and watching, Pinkie munching on popcorn while the unicorn looked everywhere but at the party pony with a soft blush and an awkward shift of her weight. Celestia tuned it all out when she heard a sob below her.

“Twilight, what’s wrong?” she asked, nuzzling the young mare’s head.

“For a second, I was so scared I was going to lose you,” Twilight whimpered, burying her face in Celestia’s chest.

“You never will, Twilight; I can promise that. I’ll always be there,” she cooed, wrapping a wing around her student. She looked over to the squabbling farm pony and scientist. Her horn glowed as her magic aura surrounded them, pulling the two apart. “Now is not the time for arguments. I came here to have a word with Insano, and I think all of you should be in attendance for what I have to say. Do any of you have any prior plans?”

“I was meeting Fluttershy at the spa, but we can push it back to tomorrow, your highness,” Rarity said, looking thankful for not having to endure the silence between her and Pinkie Pie.

“What she said,” the yellow pegasus said with a small bow.

“How could it be what she said?” Pinkie asked. “You can’t meet Fluttershy at the spa. You are Fluttershy! Oh, wait, did you use the Mirror Pool?! Tons of Fluttershys would be so adorable! I could just huggle and snuggle and nuzzle and snuzzle them all–”

Rainbow Dash mercifully plugged up Pinkie’s noise hole with her hoof as the energetic mare continued to rant. “I can take my lunch break early,” she said.

“Gotta tend to my orchard, but Ah suppose it could wait for a bit,” Applejack snorted, still giving Insano the evil eye.

“It looks like I don’t have much of a choice,” the scientist sneered.

“You don’t,” Celestia said, releasing him and Applejack from her magic grip. She nuzzled Twilight softly. The unicorn looked up and smiled, wiping the moisture from her eyes as she released her mentor and stood on her own again. “Pinkie, do you think you could go tell the Cakes that we’ll be coming to Sugarcube Corner? I haven’t had homemade sweets in a while, and I think that would be as good a place as any to talk.”

“Okie dokie loki!” The next time Celestia blinked, where Pinkie Pie once sat was a Pinkie-shaped cloud of dust that quickly blew away on the wind. She had long ago learned not to question these things.

“Pardon me, but don’t you think that might be a little too public?” Rarity asked.

Celestia turned around and gave a meaningful look to her guards. They unhooked themselves from the chariot without a word and trotted up to her side. “My guards will keep our conversation private. I will more than compensate the Cakes for their lost business.”

“Hello, what about my gaydar? Are you going to compensate me for that?” Insano griped.

“We will discuss that after we arrive,” Celestia assured as she trotted in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. “You’re lucky I don’t have you thrown in jail for attempted murder, so be grateful for what I do give you.”

“You are immortal; your guards aren’t,” he said pointedly as she walked past.

“Neither are you,” she shot back, not bothering to look over her shoulder. She heard him grumble the words “not yet.” Her brow furrowed and a frown creased her lips as she led her little ponies and her not-so-little guards through the streets of Ponyville.

Insano warily surveyed the table as he took a bite into one of the cupcakes he’d been offered. The assembled ponies were sitting around a circular table, the scientist placed directly next to Celestia. On her left hand/hoof/the fuck ever side, of course. Her right side was reserved for her “faithful student.” The jokes that Insano could make about illicit teacher-student relationships were so astronomical that he was struggling not to make them.

Especially since they were making small talk about their love lives.

“So, none of you take issue with my dirty little secret?” Celestia asked with that infuriatingly smug smile. He committed the exact shape and curve of that grin to memory. He silently swore that anyone he met with the exact dimensions of that accursed parabola on their face would be shot on sight when he took over the world.

“Of course not!” Twilight exclaimed, looking shocked that Celestia would even suggest it.

“Princess, we really can’t object,” Rarity said as she daintily sipped a cup of tea that Pinkie had conjured out of thin air for her. Insano chose to think the party pony literally pulled it right out of her ass, because it amused him and he was a sick fuck. “We discovered a week or so back that we were all filly foolers as well.”

“Though some of us were in denial,” Pinkie teased, throwing her forelegs around Applejack’s and Rainbow Dash’s shoulders.

“Not for that long,” Applejack chuckled nervously with a tip of her hat and a blush.

“I got around to it,” Rainbow huffed, taking a bite of a donut.

“Oh? That seems like something that would warrant a friendship report,” Celestia said, looking to Twilight.

Twilight blushed and avoided her gaze. “Well, um, I…” Insano resisted the urge to shout, “just shut up and kiss her already, we can all tell you want to!” The latter part may have been a lie, though. Everypony else was as oblivious to the romantic undertones of the two’s relationship as fish probably were to water. Though he had the sneaking suspicion that Celestia herself could tell and was just leading Twilight along. Bitch.

“Twilight was in a bit of a panic about it for a day or two,” Rarity cut in. “We had to calm her down and get her to warm up to the idea. By then she’d probably forgotten to tell you about it.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have, Twilight. One must accept one’s self before one can accept others for who they are,” Celestia said with a nuzzle to her faithful student.

“Y-yes, of course,” the unicorn stammered, the gears in her head locking up.

Insano cast an eye over to Fluttershy. She was just sipping on her physically impossible tea and saying nothing. Her sheer ability to keep her fucking mouth shut about her sexuality for ten seconds made her officially his favorite pony.

“Before I forget…” Celestia’s horn glowed and she pulled a jingling sack the size of a baseball out of her saddle bags. “Deliver this to Spike when you leave, would you kindly?”

Several gasps came from the assembly and a few eyes widened. “Well I’ll be bucked, how many bits are in that bag?” Applejack asked.

“Enough,” Celestia said, setting it in Twilight’s lap. “Luna sends her grudging regards.”

Twilight looked down at the bag and then back up at her mentor. “Um… thank you. I think.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Insano slammed his front hooves on the table and stood up. “Let’s just get down to business!”

The other ponies looked startled and annoyed, but Celestia just looked to him with that thrice damned smile. “What’s wrong? Don’t like the cupcakes?”

Pinkie Pie gasped and her head suddenly poked out from under the table, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes as he shrieked in surprise. “Oh no, did I undercook them? Did I overcook them? Did I put in too much sugar? Wait, there’s no such thing as too much sugar. Oh horsefeathers, did I not put in enough?!”

“No, no, the cupcakes are just fine, you damn freak!” he spat, shoving her head back under the table. The pony reappeared in her seat with a relieved smile on her face. “I just don’t like it when my time is wasted!”

“I thought not; you do seem like the sort of pony who’s always on the go,” Celestia said. She took a sip of her tea before adding, “Excuse me, the sort of human. You’re not a pony at all, are you?”

Insano’s bluster and rage deflated as if it were a balloon the alicorn had just sat on. “Y-you knew?!”

“What, you mean one of those humare weirdos like that harp player?” Rainbow asked, giving Insano a funny look.

“Her name is Lyra and she plays a lyre, not a harp. She’s a friend of mine and I’d appreciate it if you were sensitive to her chosen identity,” Rarity chided. She only got a roll of the pegasus’ rose eyes in response.

“No, I mean an actual human,” Celestia said with the calm patience of a teacher.

“That’s just darn silly; humans are fictional,” Applejack chuckled. “Whoever heard of a monkey that can talk?”

“Apes,” Fluttershy corrected meekly. “Humans are apes. Monkeys have tails, humans don’t.”

“Wow, didn’t know you were such an egghead, Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash drawled.

“What are you talking about, Celestia?” Twilight cut in. “We can all clearly see he is a pony, just like the rest of us.”

“Biologically, he is,” Celestia admitted. “But he wasn’t always. He is now thanks to the polymorphic field around our planet. It’s a charm that casts polymorph on extraterrestrial visitors to make them blend in and enjoy themselves without drawing attention. He is the first visitor we’ve had that’s uninvited, however.”

Fluttershy gulped. “So you’re saying that Insano is an…”

“Alien?!” all six shouted at once.

Insano sunk under the table up to his nose, shrinking under the scrutiny of the six native mares. “Fuck you with a cinderblock,” he hissed at Celestia. She gave him a look out of the corner of her eye that said she’d love to see him try.

“So that’s why he didn’t tell us where he was from!” Applejack exclaimed.

“And why he doesn’t know magic,” Rainbow Dash added, facehoofing.

“And why he was looking through my star charts,” Twilight added with a gasp. “He wanted to know how to get home!”

“Why does everything suddenly make sense, yet no sense at all?” Rarity asked as she held her head.

“I’ve never seen an alien before,” Fluttershy mumbled, looking at Insano with interest. “And I’ve only seen humans in picture books.”

“Oh, this is so cool!” Pinkie Pie squeed.

Insano let out a scream of surprise as Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Twilight suddenly rushed him. He scrambled backward as the barrage of questions came.

“What part of the galaxy are you from? Are you even from this galaxy?” Twilight asked.

“What’s your planet like?” Fluttershy asked.

“On a scale of one to Rainbow Dash, how awesome is wherever you’re from?” Pinkie asked with a grin that threatened to fold back and eat her head.

“Is your technology normal for your planet?” Twilight added.

“What kind of animals do you have there?” Fluttershy asked.

“Do you have parties on your planet too? Oh, silly question, parties are universal,” Pinkie giggled.

The torrent of inquiry washed over him until he threw up his hooves and shouted, “Back up, back the fuck up!”

“Okie dokie!” Pinkie saluted before bouncing away.

“Sorry; got a little excited. I mean, I knew alien life existed somewhere out there, but I never thought I’d get to see it,” Twilight chuckled nervously as she gave him space.

“Oh, are you homesick? Sorry I asked, then,” Fluttershy mewled, hiding behind her mane as she backed away.

“I am not homesick; my planet fucking sucks!” he yelled as he got back on all fours. “It’s a hotbed of leaders who all seem to use a single brain cell on a time share, uneducated masses who toss their money away on distilled bullshit while others fucking starve and kill each other over scraps, and half of the decently intelligent people in our fucking history get their brains blown out for their trouble. I hate that fucking place! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!”

The ears of all the mares save for Celestia’s fell flat. The third grand silence of the day found its home in Sugarcube Corner, the only sound coming from Insano’s heaving lungs. Yog Sethis was most pleased.

“Wow, Ah…Ah had no idea that your home was like that,” Applejack muttered, pulling the brim of her hat down over her eyes.

“And we didn’t exactly give you a warm welcome when you arrived,” Rarity said, looking at the floor. “Or after you settled in.”

“Yeah… guess that wasn’t really cool of us,” Rainbow Dash mumbled, rubbing the back of her head.

“We’re really sorry,” Fluttershy said softly, extending a hoof to Insano.

The scientist swatted it away. “I don’t need your fucking pity,” he snarled. The pegasus shrank away and hid behind her mane. Rarity slid out of her seat and comforted her, whispering words in her ear he was certain were reassuring. He wasn’t really listening. “So, Celestia, I guess you want me to go back?”

“Actually, I want you to do the opposite,” she said, looking unfazed by the scene unfolding. “I want you to stay.”

“What?!” Twilight and Insano shouted in unison. The two looked at each other then turned their backs to each other with a huff.

“As I understand it, you are trans and want to make the change fully to stallion,” Celestia said, draining her cup of tea. “I know the spell to do that and am willing to perform it – with a few conditions.”

“Of course there’s a catch; you’re a politician,” he grumbled.

“First is that you work for me,” she continued, ignoring his remark. “You will be an employee of the state for the duration of your time in Equestria and on Equis. You will be well compensated, and I will pay to have a house built on the edge of Ponyville to your specifications. I will also pay for whatever components you need to construct your lab. But you will work only on whatever project I assign you. I will give you free time to work on your own endeavors, of course, but you will be kept under strict surveillance and heavy guard.”

“Your highness, I don’t mean to question you and your immortal wisdom,” Rarity cut in with a brown-nosing smile, “but does he really have to live here? With us? As in, we’ll have to interact with him on a regular basis?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Rarity, would you rather I put him in proximity to a large city like Manehattan? Or worse yet, in the middle of nowhere where if he outwits my guards, I won’t know until it’s too late?”

Rarity pursed her lips and rubbed her chin, humming in thought. “You… have a point,” she admitted with an angry sigh.

“I’d gladly accept if only for the fact I’ll finally have a house of my own, but there’s a teensy little problem with that,” Insano said. “My son is still on Earth.”

“You have a son?!” the collected mares asked in sheer horror, save for Pinkie Pie who was ecstatic.

“Yes. So?” Insano asked.

“You – you of all ponies – found a stallion and created life together,” Twilight asked, her jaw hanging open.

“Actually, I created him in my lab by accident,” he clarified.

“Why does that not make me feel better?” she deadpanned.

“Hey, fuck you, he means a lot to me,” Insano spat. “I’m not about to settle down here until I can find a way to bring him with me.”

“We will find a way to make an arrangement at a later date,” Celestia said as she slipped out of her chair. “Trust me, we’ll get your son and bring him here. For now, do we have a deal?” She extended her hoof down at him. Her smile had changed. It was less plastered on and felt more genuine. He still hated the fuck out of it, though.

“Deal.” He stuck his hoof against hers and shook it. With a smile of his own, he sent a jolt of electricity through the handshake and into the diarch. Celestia gasped in shock and spasmed, her ethereal mane frizzing out into a magical afro.

“Celestia, are you okay?” Twilight asked, her hooves up to her mouth in worry.

“I’m fine,” Celestia said, coughing out a ring of smoke. “What was that?”

“Finger-mounted electricity casters,” Insano said with a manic giggle. He held up his hoof and showed her, arcs of lightning flying across its surface. “Can’t kill you, but I can still annoy the fuck out of you.”

Celestia blinked. She blinked again. On the third blink she burst out laughing, holding her hoof to her chest. Even in the act of hysterical laughter, her voice was regal and commanding.

“P-princess?” Twilight breathed, looking at her teacher in confusion.

The alicorn took in a few deep breaths and calmed herself down, readjusting her mask of calm, smug superiority with a sigh. “Oh, I think we’ll get along just fine, you and I,” Celestia said with a grin as her hair began to flow normally again. “I haven’t had anypony outright get me like that in a long time. I like a pony with a spine.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got vertebrae to spare. Can you please get on with it and do this sex change spell you talked about?” Insano asked, shifting uneasily on his hooves. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment.”

“I don’t know; it would be a shame. You’re actually a very pretty mare,” Celestia purred.

“I am not!” Insano shouted back.

“He’s really not,” Rainbow Dash drawled.

“Yes you are,” Celestia insisted, her insipid grin widening.

“Am not!” he repeated.

“Yes you are,” she said back with a nod.

“No I’m not!”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not!”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not!”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am!”

“No you’re not.”

“Yes. I. Am! I am a pretty pony!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. It was only when everypony around him burst into hysterical laughter did he realize his mistake. Even Fluttershy was on the floor gasping for breath. Through a massive blush he sputtered, “Did you just pull a Bugs Bunny on me?!”

“I might have,” Celestia giggled. “Now, my pretty little pony, are you certain you want this change made?”

He hopped up and down in anger. “Yes! For the love of all that is unholy, yes!”

“Very well; hold still.” The alicorn’s horn glowed in a golden light. Her magic aura surrounded him and blinded him as the laughter around him died down in favor of gasps of awe and wonder. There was a bright flash and the world came back into focus. “Well? Are you satisfied?” she asked.

Insano shook his head and propped himself up on his hind legs, looking down. All the young mortal mares covered or averted their eyes, save for Pinkie who let out a wolf whistle of approval.

“Yes!” he shouted in joy, pumping his hooves into the air. “Yes! Yes, yes, fuck yes! Suck on deez apples, bitches, haha!” He started dancing on the spot, not caring who was watching. He was white; he already knew he couldn’t dance. He probably danced worse as a pony, but no fucks were given.

“I’m glad you approve,” Celestia chuckled. “I will expect you to hold up your end of the bargain, though.”

“I’ll go and draw up plans for my new house now,” he said, jogging in place with energy. “Look out world, here comes the new and improved Doctor Insano!” He rushed out the door with a cackle of sheer glee, his laughter and boasting fading into the distance.

“Seems like the same old Insano with a Y chromosome,” Rarity deadpanned as she got off the floor from her laughing fit.

“I’m sure he’ll be much less grumpy now that he’s got the body he’s always wanted,” Fluttershy said with a warm smile.

“Yeah, and diamond dogs will someday come bearing gifts,” Rainbow Dash snorted.

“Oh, but he looked so happy!” Pinkie said with a big grin.

“Still don’t trust ‘im, but it is kind of nice to see a pony happy, no matter who it is,” Applejack said, brushing off her hat and setting it back on her head.

“Now that that is settled, I really should be taking my leave. Canterlot is a circus that needs constant attention,” Celestia said. She gave Twilight a small nuzzle before trotting to the door. “Stay safe, all of you. Tell the Cakes that I really appreciate them letting us use their shop for this meeting, and they’ll find their compensation behind the front desk.”

The assembled mares all waved goodbye and gave their fond farewells. All except for Twilight, who galloped forward and got between the door and her teacher. “Actually, Celestia, there’s something we need to talk about. It’s urgent, but I couldn’t let Insano overhear.”

The alicorn looked down at Twilight in surprise and curiosity, while her friends all traded looks of confusion. “What is it, my faithful student?”

The young unicorn breathed deeply to steady herself before looking her mentor square in the eye. “Tell us everything you know about the ascension process.”

Hidden History

Celestia narrowed her eyes down at her student, the young mare staring right back at her. “Who told you about that?”

Twilight took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, reciting, “Tick tock goes the clock, and it’s never coming back. But heed my words from days not yet unfurled, or all will fade to black.”

Celestia’s gaze hardened as her horn began to glow. “I see.” Golden magical wards and fields appeared on every exit from the room, be it door, window or staircase. The other girls looked around in confusion, and in Fluttershy’s case, fear.

“See what?” Rainbow Dash asked impatiently, flying up to Celestia. “What’s going on?”

“It appears Twilight has received an urgent message from the future,” she said as she turned around to face the others. “That little poem is a sort of password to let me know as much.”

“Not the best poetry I’ve ever heard,” Rarity said with a small frown.

“Luna and I wrote it,” Celestia said.

“Oh, well, um… it’s not the worst, either,” Rarity stuttered with a nervous grin. “Far from. I love it.”

“Suck up,” Rainbow Dash teased with a grin, flicking her tail against Rarity’s nose while Celestia herself cracked a shadow of a smile.

“Twilight, I take it you were instructed to ask me that question?” the alicorn asked.

Twilight nodded, her nerve gone and looking to the side. “I was told that war is coming to Equestria, and that ascension may be our only chance. I wasn’t given any details, though, not even what the ascension process is.”

“War?!” the others repeated in shock. Against all odds, even Pinkie Pie seemed to appreciate the gravity of the word.

“War with who?” Rainbow Dash demanded more than asked, flying in the unicorn’s face.

“And wh-why?” Fluttershy squeaked, shaking. Twilight could practically see the poor pegasus’ imagination running wild.

“I don’t know; I wasn’t given any details about that, either,” Twilight said, her ears flattening. “I’d…really rather not talk about it. This whole thing scares me, too.” She gasped when she felt both Applejack nuzzle her face and Celestia drape a wing around her.

“Don’t worry, Sugarcube; you can talk when you’re ready,” Applejack assured. “We won’t pester ya about it, right girls?”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” Pinkie swore.

“Of course not,” Rarity said while Fluttershy nodded mutely.

“But–” Rainbow’s protest was cut off by a glare from Applejack. “Okay, fine, I won’t ask,” she pouted.

Celestia gave her student a small nuzzle of her own before retaking her seat at the table. “I suggest you all get comfortable. This explanation may take a while.”

“Yes ma’am!” Before anypony knew what happened, a pink blur shot through the room and pushed each mare onto a beanbag chair each the color of their coats and spun Celestia’s seat around to face them in a little circle. The blur came to a halt on the pink one, Pinkie Pie lounging with her hooves behind her head as if nothing had happened. “Everypony comfortable?”

“I would have preferred something less gauche to sit on, but it’ll do,” Rarity said, shifting uneasily.

“Feeling better, you two?” Pinkie asked, reaching over and hugging Fluttershy and Twilight.

Fluttershy squeaked but nodded. “Y-yeah; thanks, Pinkie.”

“A bit; thanks,” Twilight said simply.

“No problem!” the party pony chirped before letting her friend go.

“Can we get on with this? I need to get back to work ASAP,” Rainbow Dash griped.

“Which is Rainbow talk for ‘Ah need another nap,’” Applejack said with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Rainbow Dash said with a wave of her hoof.

“Girls, hush,” Twilight hissed. “This is important!”

Celestia smiled and nodded. “Thank you, Twilight. And you’re right, it is. What I’m about to tell you is top-secret. Very few ponies have the clearance to know what I’m about to tell you, or ever have. The only ponies alive today who know are myself, Luna, Cadence, and Shining Armor.”

Rainbow Dash’s ears perked up and her eyes opened fully, but she said nothing.

Pinkie Pie did not have nearly that much restraint. “Top secret? As in spy stuff? Ooo, are we gonna be spies, because that would be so amazing! I have the outfit and everything!” She sped off and zoomed back within a split second, suddenly wearing a tight spandex outfit with a set of weird goggles over her eyes.

Celestia chuckled. “No, not spies, though I have no doubt that spies would love to get their hands on this information if anypony even knew it existed.”

“Aww.” Pinkie zoomed off again and the outfit was gone when she returned. “I wanted an excuse to wear spandex!”

Celestia rolled her eyes as a collective blush and chorus of facehooves overtook the other young mares. “Tell me girls, do you know who made the Elements of Harmony?”

“Ah haven’t the slightest clue,” Applejack admitted, scratching her head.

“Neither do I,” Rarity echoed.

“I never really thought about it,” Fluttershy confessed, looking at the floor.

“I don’t know either. No books I ever found about the Elements mention their makers,” Twilight said. “I never really noticed.”

“So who made them?” Rainbow Dash asked, her impatience waning in favor of curiosity.

Celestia shrugged. “Nopony knows.”

“Then why the hay did you ask us?” Rainbow asked with a facehoof.

“I’ll get to that in a moment,” Celestia assured. “You’re all familiar with the tale of Hearth’s Warming, I take it?”

“We only played the entire cast of the pageant last year,” Rainbow deadpanned, earning her an elbow to the sides from both Rarity and Applejack. “Ow!”

“Well, the tale of Hearth’s Warming is, shall we say… altered a bit,” Celestia said with the slightest hint of unease.

“Altered? Altered how?” Twilight asked.

“The tale has changed since when I was a filly,” the princess admitted. “Deliberately so, for political reasons. Today, it’s a tale of how the unity of all three pony breeds can beat the most impossible of odds. And while that is true, that’s not the whole truth.”

“You mean the Fire of Friendship…?” Fluttershy let her voice trail off.

“The Fire of Friendship is a symbol of the bonds that metaphorically melted the ice of the Windigos. Nothing more,” Celestia said sadly. “One of the few outright lies of the pageant is that the three tribes came together at the brink of death because they realized that they didn’t hate each other after all. They did hate each other, quite vehemently, and continued to do so for many decades. When I was young, there were still tensions between the breeds.”

“That’s… just depressin’,” Applejack said, her ears flattening.

“Hence why the story has been altered,” Celestia said. “The story was changed bit by bit over the centuries to turn it from a drama of hatred set aside into a heartwarming tale of how friendship and tolerance conquer all. A culture’s values both shape its stories and is shaped in turn by those same stories. What closer story to hold to a culture’s heart than how it was founded?”

“And it was all a lie,” Pinkie mumbled, deflating and sinking into her beanbag. Fluttershy pulled her close and hugged her gently, stroking her mane.

“Not all of it. Not completely,” Celestia corrected. “The pageant is fairly accurate save for the ending.”

“So how did it really end?” Rarity asked. “Obviously ponies survived, or otherwise Equestria wouldn’t be here.”

“Correct, and they did stop fighting and feeding the windigos’ power,” she confirmed with a nod. “But it wasn’t because of some revelation that breedism is wrong. No, it was because of what they found in that cave: the Elements of Harmony. The first bearers were chosen in that cave that night. You know all their names. Puddinghead was the element of Laughter, Smart Cookie was the element of Honesty, Hurricane was the element of Loyalty, Pansy was the element of Kindness, Platinum was the element of Generosity, and Clover was–”

“The element of Magic!” Twilight cut in. “Of course, that makes sense!” She paused and chuckled nervously. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s no problem at all,” Celestia chuckled. “Once all three leaders realized that they were bound together by the Elements, they took it as a sign to unite their tribes under one banner. Their subjects were not overly fond of one another, but the windigos were gone and they set their hatred aside for their mutual survival.”

“Well, ain’t that just a spirit-lifter,” Applejack grumbled.

“Sorry, this history lesson is interesting and all,” Rainbow Dash lied very poorly, “but what does this have to do with that ascension thing that Twilight was asking about?”

“I’m getting to that,” Celestia assured again. “The Elements and their history are tied very closely to it, I promise.”

Rainbow Dash huffed and crossed her forelegs over her chest, earning a glare from everypony else.

Celestia just smiled patiently and continued. “From then onward, the Elements chose their bearers in times of great chaos and disharmony to restore order. Discord defeated the Element bearers of his time and cast the Elements themselves across the continent. They were thought to be lost forever. That is, until my group found them.”

“Group? Wasn’t it just yourself and Luna that imprisoned Discord?” Rarity asked.

“That is another part of history that has been rewritten,” Celestia admitted, looking at the floor. “There were six of us, just as there were six of you. Luna was the element of Generosity, while I once wore the same tiara you do upon my head, Twilight.”

There was a collective gasp throughout the room. “You were once one of the Element Bearers?” Twilight asked, her jaw slack as she both squeed in joy and screamed in terror in her mind.

“I have the same element as Princess Luna?!” Rarity wobbled as if she were going to faint, but Fluttershy caught her and started fanning her with her wings.

“Yes, to both,” Celestia giggled.

“So what happened to the other four?” Rainbow asked, her interest piqued once more.

Celestia’s ears flattened against her head and a frown tugged at her lips, but she refused to let it set in. “Jackpot struck it rich when she found the crystal caves in what we now call Mount Canterlot. Hot Airiel spent her days drawing up the concept of steam powered technology, though for the life of her she never could get it just right. She did manage to invent the hot air balloon, though. Spotlight founded her own theatre company for aspiring actors, which still exists today. Apple Seed went on to explore the reaches of the Equestrian wilderness. We never found out what happened to her, but it’s safe to say time caught up with her too.” She sighed. “They all grew old and died.”

“Mighty sorry you lost all your friends, Princess,” Applejack said, tipping her hat down.

“It’s fine. It was inevitable.” She paused, looking for the right words. “After all… Luna and I ascended, and they didn’t.”

The gears in the sextet’s heads all clicked into place at once. They all shouted something different in equal amounts of shock and excitement, but the basic gist of all of them was, “Ascension turns you into an alicorn?!”

Celestia nodded. She might as well have turned the key and pressed the big red button in a nuclear silo.

“Does this mean we can be alicorns too?” Fluttershy asked with a mix of hope and trepidation.

“Why did you ascend and your friends didn’t?” asked Rainbow Dash, fluttering up to the princess.

“How do you do it? How does it happen?” Rarity asked, absolutely giddy and even kicking her hind legs in her seat like a filly.

“Are you and Luna actually sisters?” Applejack asked with a raised brow.

“What were you before you turned awesome?” asked Pinkie, who had somehow perched herself atop Celestia’s head and was peering down at her.

“Wait, if the Elements turn ponies into alicorns, where the hay did Cadence come from?” Twilight asked, holding her head in confusion. “And how did the Elements end up in the Everfree Forest?”

“Girls, girls, calm down!” Celestia’s horn glowed and she returned both Pinkie and Rainbow Dash to their seats. “I’ll try to answer your questions as best I can. Yes, you can all potentially become alicorns, but it’s only happened three times in the history of the Elements of Harmony, so it’s doubtful that all of you or even one of you will. To ascend, a pony must have full comprehension and understanding of their element.”

“Pff, I know what loyalty is. Why am I not an alicorn already?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Hay, Twilight’s element is magic, and she knows magic better than anypony.”

“W-well, I am good, but not that good,” Twilight stammered with a small blush.

Celestia shook her head. “One can know a definition of a word but not truly understand it. Everypony knows the definition of love, but few ponies understand it as much as Cadence and Shining Armor do. Everypony knows the definition of heartbreak, but nopony cannot truly understand it until they’ve lost everything. Everypony knows the definition of eternity, but only an immortal like an alicorn can comprehend it. You must understand your elements with your hearts and souls, not your heads. You must understand them in a way that only a life-changing experience can grant.” She paused and let out a world-weary sigh. “And every experience that’s triggered ascension so far has been one of great anguish.”

Silence fell over the group as Celestia’s words washed over them. Their earlier excitement sank into the quicksand of sympathy and dread. Twilight was the first to break it, her voice hesitant and shaking. “C-Celestia… what triggered it for you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

The alicorn closed her eyes, her body going rigid. “I knew you would ask, but… it’s not a memory I would like to revisit. It wouldn’t help any of you achieve ascension, anyway.”

“Sorry; I was just curious,” Twilight mumbled, suddenly taking great interest in the pattern of the wooden floor.

Celestia’s gaze softened. She took in a deep breath. “To answer your other questions, yes, Luna and I are actually sisters. From the records of past Bearers, siblings being chosen are rare but not unheard of. Before I ascended, I was just a normal unicorn. I never got used to the wings. Heh, I’m still not, hence why I use the chariot so often. My name was Sunbeam, back then. My friends just called me Sunny. I adopted the name Celestia to sound more regal; more commanding of respect.”

“What was Luna’s name?” Pinkie Pie asked with a tilt of her head.

“That is for Luna to tell, not me,” Celestia answered with a small smile. “As for Cadence… she was an Element bearer herself, about a thousand years ago. The element of Kindness.” Fluttershy’s face flushed. “She…” Celestia’s smile vanished. “She had it the worst out of all three of us.”

“What happened?” Twilight asked, her heart sinking in her chest.

“That’s a tale for her to tell. It’s not my place,” Celestia said with a shake of her head. “The same for why the Elements were left in the Everfree Forest.”

“And we’re supposed to become alicorns ourselves according to this message from the future?” Rarity asked, looking to Twilight with fear clear in her eyes.

Twilight nodded with a frown and furrowed brow. “She said that if we’re going to win the coming war, it may be our only chance. Every alicorn is completely immortal and indestructible, and has immense power. Celestia, Luna and Cadence won’t be enough. We’ll need more.”

“But if we can’t speed it up at all, then what’s the point of us knowing about it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Because now you can pay attention and learn better from whatever the future holds,” Celestia answered. She paused. “In truth, that was the purpose behind the friendship reports. I wanted you all to keep in mind what life was teaching you and see if ascension can be gained in a relatively peaceful, bloodless time. Even if it’s possible, it looks like that method won’t be fast enough.”

Twilight couldn’t help but smile and heat up slightly. She opened her mouth to thank her mentor, but somepony else cut her off.

“Um, excuse me,” Fluttershy said meekly as she pulled away from Rarity. “Sorry to interrupt, but before we get too far away from the topic of alicorns, what about the queen of the changelings? Isn’t she an alicorn?”

Celestia hummed in thought, and the few split seconds of wordlessness was enough to make Fluttershy shrink back. “I’m not entirely sure. Changelings were a problem for ponies back in the days of the three tribes, before they migrated north past the Macintosh Mountains. Everypony assumed that they died out in the storm of the windigos when the three tribes left them behind in what we now call the Badlands. Nopony had ever seen Queen Chrysalis in the flesh until Cadence and Shining Armor’s wedding. I don’t know exactly how old she is, where she came from, or why she looks like an alicorn. Only she knows that, and we’re not on speaking terms.”

“So many questions answered, more and more questions raised,” Twilight groaned, rubbing her head.

“Such is life, my student,” Celestia giggled.

Applejack tried to say something, but her words were drowned out by the sound of the clock tower striking noon.

Celestia sighed and rose from her seat. “I really must be going. Luna is probably wondering where I am and asking the stars above to deliver her from the madhouse we call politics.” Her horn glowed and the magic wards surrounding the room vanished. “You are to not repeat a word of this to anypony, understood? I am quite fond of all of you, but if any of this got out I would have to punish you to the fullest extent of Equestrian law.”

They all gave their mumbled assurances that that wouldn’t happen, thoughts of the Canterlot dungeon or being banished into the Everfree Forest dancing in their heads and nervous smiles plastered on their faces.

“Good. Now, Twilight, was their anything else to your missive from the future?” Celestia asked.

Twilight paused and shifted in her seat. “Besides keeping Insano alive, no. Apparently he died soon in the original timeline. My… informant guessed that his technological genius could have really turned the tide against whatever enemy is coming.”

“Do ya know how he died?” Applejack asked, rising from her beanbag.

“Not exactly. One night during a journey we’re going to go on soon, we all had a particularly nasty fight that left all of us angry at him. We got ambushed in the middle of the night, and he was the only casualty,” she explained. “Whatever the future holds, we have to make sure he lives through it to help us.”

“Oh… joy,” Rarity said through gritted teeth, her left eye twitching.

“I’m not about to die for that plothole, but I guess I’ve got his back,” Rainbow Dash huffed with a roll of her eyes.

“We’ll worry about that when we come to it,” Applejack said. “For now, the princess needs to get back to Canterlot and we all have to get back to our jobs.”

“Well, maybe you do. I took the morning off for my spa date with Fluttershy,” Rarity said as she stood up. Said pegasus blushed a bit with a small smile.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped in horror. She snapped her head to the clock and exclaimed, “Oh buck, I totally forgot! I had a date with Redheart fifteen minutes ago! Gotta go!” With a gust of wind and a rainbow streak, the door was suddenly open and the pegasus was gone.

“Isn’t that their third date this week?” Applejack asked as she picked up her blown away hat.

“Ooo, I think somepony’s getting serious,” Pinkie giggled. She zoomed around the room and the beanbags were all gone and put away into wherever the buck Pinkie kept all her props.

“They have known each other for a long time. I’m not surprised,” Fluttershy admitted with a smile. “I’m really happy for them.”

“Now now, don’t start making wedding plans yet, my little ponies,” Celestia giggled, a real smile back on her face. “You’re all still young and you have a lot of years ahead of you to find somepony that makes you happy.” She sighed and trotted toward the door. “While I have many years ahead of me trying to keep this country from falling apart. I must take my leave.”

“You will tell Luna about the coming war and start preparing, right?” Twilight asked.

The alicorn looked down at her student. Celestia’s smile became more porcelain and practiced. “Of course, Twilight.” She leaned down and gave the unicorn a reassuring nuzzle. “Everything will be okay, I promise.”

Twilight smiled as her mentor continued her walk out the door. As the door opened, though, she blurted out, “Celestia!”

She paused and turned to look over her shoulder again. “Yes, Twilight?”

The young mare’s face turned as red as the apples on Applejack’s flank and kept her head down. “I…I hope you find somepony that makes you happy someday, too.”

Celestia’s smile seemed to radiate the heat of her sun as she said, “I already have.” She walked through the portal and motioned to her guards, and the door clicked shut behind her.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch

Shhink. Shhink. Shhink.

So went the mantra of whetstone against metal as Noah sharpened the eponymous blade of his gunblade. At least he thought that’s what eponymous meant. Eponymous was one of those words whose definition always eluded him, like the word irony eluded hipsters or dignity eluded cosplayers.

His contemplations on how to insult various sub-cultures were interrupted by a cry of, “Noah, what the hell are you doing?!”

Noah looked up from his trusty stupid weapon concept to see his younger brother Miles standing in the door to his room.

“Sharpening my gunblade,” he said, continuing to do just that as he sat on his bed.

“No, I can see that, but what the hell is up with all this?!”

Miles swept his arms across Noah’s bedroom. The preoccupied man looked around to see the stockpiles of swords, firearms, and combinations thereof stockpiled in the small bedroom as if it were a Left 4 Dead safe house as imagined by Tetsuya Nomura.

“What? I’m just taking care of all my weapons,” Noah said, looking up at his brother as if they were speaking a different language. Namely talking sense versus talking internet reviewer-ese.

To say that Miles looked confused would be like trying to compare the ocean to a puddle. “Why?!” was the only word that Miles seemed to be able to come up with.

Noah sighed and set his gunblade next to his supply of healing jelly. "Look, I'm in the middle of reviewing Final Fantasy Thirteen, and at the end of every single one of those games one of the main characters comes to try to kill me. I have a feeling this time it's going to be that Snow fucker and his stupid goddamn super trench coat, so I want all my weapons to be ready for when he shows up."

“Here’s an idea: how about you just stop doing the reviews?” Miles asked. “When your old house blew up, that wasn’t your fault. When I came home to find Insano dissecting some blonde guy, that was kind of fucking creepy.”

“And I had to talk you out of arresting him,” Noah reminded.

“But after last time when I found you two disposing of some chick’s body, I officially got sick of this shit,” Miles finished.

“Look, I just have to, okay? I don’t know why, but something in me is compelling me to see this through,” Noah said with a sigh.

“Do you have to do it with all this?” Miles asked, looking like he was about to get on his knees for a semblance of sanity. “I’m really damn sure more than half of this is illegal for you to have!”

"We've been over this: I don't need a gun permit to carry a gunblade,” Noah repeated with the sort of patience he could only muster for his younger brother. “It's just a sword with a revolver grip. It is not a projectile weapon."

“Then why load it with bullets?” Miles asked, his brow furrowed in confusion more comprehensible by mortal men.

Noah threw his arms up. “Fuck if I know!”

Miles shook his head and kneaded the bridge of his nose. “Look, that’s beside the point. The point is, all this other shit? Yeah, illegal as hell.” He paused and lowered his hand. “Is that a SPAS-12?”

Noah followed his brother’s gaze and shrugged. “Hell if I know. Every shotgun looks the same to me. All I care about is that bullets come out of the end.”

“And this, this is a lightsaber,” Miles said as he waded into the makeshift armory and picked up the sci-fi icon. “Does this thing even–” It sprung to life in his hands with a hiss of plasma. “Holy shit!”

“Put that thing down before you cut your arm off!” Noah turned it off with a flick of his wrist and wrenched it out of his brother’s hands using the Force. “You may have a gun permit, but I’m the Jedi here.”

“What even is this thing?” Miles asked, holding up a metal wristband with some kind of mechanism atop it.

“Wrist-mounted semi-automatic dog launcher,” Noah said with the mother of all straight faces.

“A dog launcher,” Miles repeated, his jaw hanging off its hinges. “You got a weapon that launches dogs. Wait, you were going to use Oreo as ammo?!”

“It worked for Renoa!” Noah exclaimed, holding up his arms with his palms flat. “It’s really fucking stupid, I’ll be the first to admit, but not as stupid as that fully automatic version.”

Miles didn’t drop the dog launcher so much that his fingers went slack and let it fall. “Where the hell do you even get stuff like this?”

“Some redneck named Arlo. I ask for weapons, he builds them. He doesn’t ask why I need them, I don’t ask how the hell he makes them,” Noah explained.

“Maybe you should start,” Miles suggested, holding his head.

“Sorta can’t. I think he’s still in the loony bin after trying to tamper in the barrier between our world and the howling void. Last time I heard of him, he was trying to swim into the ocean shouting ‘ia ia, cthulhu fhtagn.’ Thank fucking Christ that he finished and shipped my anti-magic gun before he did, though,” he said with a sigh of relief.

Miles could only stare as he slumped against the wall. “The fact that I believe you and that I’m not surprised scares me.”

“You’ll get over it,” Noah assured.

Miles shook his head. “Look, I’m a cop. Do you have any idea how arrested you’ll be and how fired I’ll be if anyone finds out you had all this shit and I didn’t report it?”

Noah cocked an eyebrow as he looked up at his brother. “Okay, go ahead; report me for owning a lightsaber, a gunblade, and a sharkzooka. See who believes you.”

Miles could only blink and repeat, “Sharkzooka?”

“Don’t ask,” Noah said with a shake of his head. “I ordered that one after I got plastered for the Tekken: Blood Vengeance review.”

Miles opened his mouth to most likely chide his brother for getting shitfaced when it came to Twilight – probably because he never had to see the last two movies – when the pair heard a sickeningly sweet noise in the doorway. Both brothers looked down to see Insano Junior looking up at them pleadingly.

“You forgot to feed Junior tonight, didn’t you?” Miles asked, crossing his arms.

“I was going to get to it,” Noah said with a wave of his hand. “Though now that you mention it, would you mind doing it? These swords aren’t going to sharpen themselves.”

Miles scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever. Come on, Junior.” He walked out of the room with the pink tentacle blob squealing happily, rolling along at his heels. Noah just rolled his eyes and picked up his gunblade, continuing his work.

Shhink. Shhink. Shhink.

That’s when he heard it. That music. That awful, catchy as fuck music.

“Oh fuck no.”

“Heya, Spoon!”

“No, no, not you!” Noah looked up and it was indeed him. Chuckles, in all his stupid fucking glory, was standing in his doorway, with his stupid fucking jester hat and his stupid fucking multi-colored outfit and his stupid fucking red Marti Gras mask and his stupid fucking white face paint.

“Miss me, Spoon?” the jester asked with an exaggerated grin and a honk of his stupid fucking horn.

His question was answered with a whetstone thrown at his face and Spoony leveling the gunblade at him. “Yeah, like I missed food poisoning! Get the fuck out of here, you creepy goddamn clown.”

“Jester,” Chuckles corrected, unfazed by the stone thrown childishly at his face.

“Does it look like a give a damn?” Spoony asked, lowering into a combat stance. “I already killed you once, fucker, don’t make me do it twice.”

Chuckles folded one arm across his chest and tapped his chin with the other. “Yeah, about that, Spoon, I really didn’t like being murdered with a cannon and my body stuffed in a trunk in Lord British’s bedroom. Kinda gives a guy a grudge, ya know?”

“Don’t care, leave,” Spoony spat. “I found that corpse in that secret room behind your fireplace. I don’t regret anything, you psychotic fuck.”

The jester’s grin widened from creepily cheery to outright sinister. “I don’t either. I’m certainly not going to regret this, Spoon.”

Chuckles reached into his stupid fucking sleeve past his stupid fucking gloves and- oh shit, that's a knife.

In the blink of an eye, Chuckles drew a shining steel dagger from his sleeve and threw it with expert precision at Spoony’s head. Spoony blocked it with the flat of his gunblade as the jester threw another one, which he blocked just the same.

“Okay, you asked for it!” Noah swung his gunblade to cut the psychotic jester right in half, but he was too fast. Chuckles leaped out into the hallway and tossed another dagger. Spoony tried to dodge, but it grazed his neck. “Fuck!”

“Why, Spoon, I didn’t know you swung that way,” Chuckles cackled as he practically pranced backward to stay out of range.

“Get back here, you fucker!” He chucked his gunblade to the side and grabbed his anti-magic pistol. “Hope you like lead!” He fired a pair of rounds right into Chuckles’ head.

Or at least tried to. Before the bullets could reach their intended target, there was bright yellow force field between hot lead and soft skull.

“What the fuck…?” was the only thing Spoony could say to bullets not solving his problems.

Chuckles just giggled to himself. “Sorry Spoon, but you’re gonna have to do better than that! The gloves are off.” Chuckles held up his right hand and pulled off his white glove, as he was obligated to do after making a joke that horrid, to reveal a yellow power ring.

“Wait, you’re a Yellow Lantern?! Where the fuck did you get that ring?” Spoony asked, his jaw going slack.

“You’ve made a lot of enemies, Spoon,” the jester replied coyly. His point was backed up when the yellow energy changed into the construct of a minigun.

Spoony looked between the minigun, his own pistol, then back again. “I’m pretty much fucked, aren’t I?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Look, Chuckles, we can talk this out, right? I mean, I know we have our differences, but I’ve been charged with homicide, so I can’t really judge you. Come on, holding a grudge isn’t healthy, and we all know revenge doesn’t solve anything,” Spoony pleaded. The minigun construct’s barrels began to spin.

It vanished before it could fire a single round due to a trio of gunshots making Chuckles’ head explode into a shower of brains and blood like a piñata at Eli Roth’s birthday party. The jester flopped to the ground, his hat in tatters and the head upon which it used to rest splattered all over the room.

Spoony looked up to see Miles with his pistol drawn, the end smoking. “You owe me big,” the police officer said.

“You are the best brother ever and I love you,” Spoony panted as he let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.

“You owe me a lot more than that,” Miles said, holstering his weapon.

“Fuck,” Noah swore.

Before either of them could start the customary brotherly squabble over exactly how much Noah owed him for saving his ass, they heard a gurgle and a squelch come from the dead jester’s body. Flesh and bone and brain began to grow again from his neck stump like a nightmarish weed, the mass reforming into Chuckles’ ugly mug. “You know, I really was on the fence about killing you,” he panted as he got back to his feet, “but you just shot me right over the edge.”

Before Miles could recover and get another shot off, a tendril of black light erupted out of the jester’s left hand and swatted his pistol away before wrapping up its owner.

“Oh come on, you’re a Black Lantern too?! That’s just not fair!” Spoony protested right before he was wrapped up in a yellow tendril of light. It fastened his arms to his sides and constricted him until he let go of his anti-magic gun.

“Fear, death, they both make you soil yourself in the end. How do you think I came back in the first place, anyway?” Chuckles asked with that creepy as fuck grin of his. “Didn’t exactly have enough cash to bribe the grim reaper, and I couldn’t beat him in poker. I guess you could say–”

“If you end that with a ‘dead money’ pun, I swear I will shove my gunblade right up your ass,” Spoony hissed as he struggled against his bonds.

“Aw, you’re no fun,” the jester pouted. “Not that it’ll matter soon, anyway. My friend and I are here to take your immortal soul, Spoon!”

“Friend? What friend? I knew you were a crazy bastard, but I didn’t think you were delusional,” Spoony choked out as the tendril tightened. “Jesus fuck, you’re going to break my ribs!”

The jester just threw his head back and laughed. But it wasn’t a normal laugh. It was a whooping, psychotic cackle that set off Spoony’s childhood memories like tumblers in a lock.

“Kefka?!”

“I see my reputation precedes me,” a voice deeper than Chuckles’ said using his mouth. “Kefka Palazzo, master of magic and maestro of mayhem and misery. Feel honored to be in my presence, worm.”

“Took you all day to think up that intro, didn’t you?” Miles grunted.

Kefka retaliated by backhanding Miles like he owed him money. “I wasn’t talking to you, whelp!”

“Terra and her group kicked your ass; how the hell are you still alive?!” Spoony asked as he subtly started to move his hand behind his back.

“Life, death… they’re abstracts, really,” Kefka said dismissively, turning back to face Noah. “Turns out you can’t kill a god. Not fully. When those loathsome little pinpricks of peace and love and friendship and blech destroyed my body, my godly soul was set adrift in the cosmos. Until I found some poor sap willing to let me borrow his body, that is.”

“And why the fuck do you wanna kill me?” Spoony asked, just trying to keep the clown talking.

Kefka snickered. “Because you’re the Titan of Aether, the god of magic from the world of Pagan. I could just wait and let my power grow again naturally, but I was never much of a waiter. I solve my problems with nice and wholesome murder; hell, I’m not opposed to a good slaughter even when there isn’t a problem at all. And if I kill you and absorb your soul, your power, my power will increase exponentially. I’ll be able to snuff out entire galaxies instead of one insignificant little rock. Oh, and Chuckles wants you dead or something; I never really cared much about his motives, but as long as we both want you dead, I might as well humor him.”

Spoony got his hand into position and prayed that Kefka didn’t notice. “So I’m fighting a psychotic jester possessed by a psychotic, nihilistic dead clown god. I gotta say, that’s a new one.”

“Fighting?” Kefka repeated with a scoff. “Don’t kid yourself; this is a beat down.”

“Like I’m scared of a ‘god’ who was beat up by a bunch of douchebags armed with the power of pointy objects, a moogle, a yeti, and an androgynous mime. Fuck, one of them fought with playing cards,” Spoony taunted loudly, trying to hide the hiss of plasma.

Kefka looked around in confusion. “What was that noise? It sounded like sizzling flesh.”

Spoony grinned. The setup was just too great. “Oh, did it sound something like this?” He flicked his wrist and his lightsaber flew out of his bedroom right into Kefka’s chest. With another flick and twist, the blade swiped side to side, cutting the clown neatly in half.

“You little brat!” Kefka gurgled as his two halves flopped over onto the floor. He pumped his fist and tightened his hold on Spoony.

The Jedi yelled in pain and struggled to keep his hold on his lightsaber steady, but with another swing he cut Kefka’s right hand clean off at the wrist, the power ring on it going dead. Spoony fell forward onto his knees with a ragged gasp and a heavy cough. “Motherf-fuck…!”

“Little help here!” Miles gasped as he struggled against his own bonds of black light.

“Sorry, sorry, my organs are just a little strangled is all,” Spoony spat as he drew his lightsaber into his hand, ignoring Kefka’s cursing and threats. He pushed himself onto his feet and lopped off Kefka’s other hand, though the first was quickly growing black tendrils to reconnect to its owner.

Miles fell forward himself with a heavy cough. “Is there any way to kill this fucker?”

“I am invincible!” Kefka shrieked. “You can’t keep me like this forever!”

“Sadly, Nutcase McCrazy here is right,” Spoony said as he struggled to keep up with Kefka’s body reassembling itself, trying to cut off the black tendrils before they made contact. He wasn’t fast enough, and the clown’s right hand reconnected and sent a ghostly fist made out of yellow energy into Spoony’s chest, pinning him to the wall and making him drop his lightsaber. “Fuck!”

Miles drew his pistol and shot at Kefka’s head, but at that point it only annoyed the undead clown. “What the fuck do we do, then?!”

“Go to the basement,” Noah choked out. “Turn on Insano’s portal; I got an idea.”

Miles nodded and dashed down the basement stairs as Kefka reassembled himself. Spoony tried again to control his lightsaber, but the clown pinned both his hands to the wall.

“You,” Kefka snarled as he got back to his feet, “you are going to die slowly. Painfully. You are going to scream, while I laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh!”

“Then what’re you waiting for, fucker? Come at me,” Noah coughed.

Kefka cackled as he drew a dagger from his sleeve. “First, a riddle: What’s white on the outside, red on the inside, and about to be dead all over?”

Spoony gasped as the vice around him tightened. “Y…your mother,” he choked out.

“Oh, good guess; I hated that whore,” Kefka giggled. “But thanks for playing. Tell her I said hi when you meet her in Hell!”

Another chorus of gunshots blew Kefka’s head open right as he was about to carve Spoony’s head like a pumpkin, spraying Noah’s face in gore as the clown’s body staggered and the ring’s grip loosening. Noah took in a deep breath and concentrated, managing to bring his lightsaber back into his Force grip and lop off Kefka’s right hand again.

“Better hurry; that was my last shot,” Miles panted as he helped his brother back up.

“Then help me carry him to the portal; we’re chucking him inside,” Spoony said as he picked his lightsaber back up. A blast of black light came streaming towards his face, but he deflected it into the wall.

“You want to carry the ball of rage and knives?” Miles asked as he ducked around the corner.

Noah deflected a sword construct that tried to slice through his kneecap. “You got a better idea?”

Miles winced at a deflected blast of yellow energy crashing into the wall next to him. “Two words: Force Push.”

“Why didn’t I think of that?” Spoony wondered aloud. He dove forward and dodged the pair of chainsaw constructs that Kefka had conjured up and bisected the killer clown from the waist. His upper half didn’t even reach the ground when Spoony pumped his hand forward and sent the two pieces flying down the staircase into the basement.

“I hate you!” Kefka shrieked. “Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you!”

“C’mon, let’s push him through!” Noah said as he sped past his brother. He didn’t get far before Kefka erected a barrier of black light to block the stairwell while he pulled himself together. “Son of a bitch!” He slammed and slashed and stabbed at the energy field, but it was about as effective as asking for patience from his fanbase.

“Once I kill you, this entire planet will burn,” Kefka seethed as his two halves reconnected in front of the portal. “It’ll burn brighter than any star in the damned sky before I extinguish those, too! It’s one big genocide barbecue, and everyone’s invited!” He cackled with his trademark laugh as he got back to his feet and lowered the shield, only to replace it with a black and yellow pair of miniguns.

“Hoh shit!” were the only words Spoony got out before he dove to the side, barely avoiding the hail of energy bolts that tore up the stairwell in a hail of splinters.

“Run, run fast as you can, you can’t hide from me, I’ve got firepower, bitch!” Kefka cackled insanely as he adjusted his aim, tearing up Insano’s lab.

Noah wove and dodged and deflected as best he could, but the sheer number of bolts earned him wound after wound that spurted blood like a wine barrel from hell. “Miles, help, now!” he barked. “Can’t keep this up!”

His prayers were answered in the form of a projectile Junior being thrown down the stairs and into Kefka’s face. The enraged blob of pink goo wrapped his tentacles around Kefka’s head and refused to let go, growling as threateningly as he could manage, which wasn’t very. The sight would be a mix of comical and adorable if not for the fact it threw off Kefka’s aim and sent energy bolts everywhere but their intended target in a storm of bullets.

“What the hell is this thing?!” came Kefka’s muffled cry of confusion as he tried to claw Junior off his face.

The words awoke in Spoony his inner nerd, his self just beneath the skin that was saturated in pop culture, the primal urge to parrot pop culture memes. It welled up within him like the rising tide of Noah’s flood until he could hold it back no longer.

“This!” He charged at Kefka, his lightsaber and his Force powers forgotten.

“Is!” He stopped and cocked his leg back in front of the flailing clown.

“Sparta!” He kicked Kefka square in the chest, sending both him and his pink tormentor through the rift and into parts unknown.

Spoony collapsed backward, panting heavily with a triumphant smile on his face. He was covered in blood, most of it his own, he felt like shit, but goddamn it, he won the day once again. He was the best around, and nobody was ever gonna keep him down.

“Hey, Noah, where exactly did that portal take him?” Miles asked down the ruined staircase. “I don’t have the slightest idea how to change the coordinates, so I didn’t bother.”

“…fuck.”

Unto the Breach 2: Electric Boogaloo

An endless void of white. Well, mostly white. In the very infinite plane there was a very finite but large stock of weapons that sprouted up from the nothingness like the crops of a plantation that grew firearms instead of corn. In other words, part of a redneck’s concept of heaven.

The sole occupant of the void was not a redneck, however. Noah, the Spoony One, the Goddamn Avatar, was suiting up to go on another adventure to parts unknown. If “suiting up” meant “struggling with his chainmail like a teenage girl in denial about her size trying on clothes at the mall.”

“Goddamn, how did I ever fit into this thing?” he grunted as he managed to finally pull his head through. He stretched and flattened out the tinkling chainmail shirt and trousers, brushing off nonexistent dust. The old armor fit less like a glove and more like a cast iron corset, but blacksmiths were hard to find in 21st century Earth and one could not be picky about protection when it came to god-clown hunting.

Noah pulled his much easier to handle old tabard over his head. It was a simple, white tabard with a golden ankh displayed front and center on the chest. The old thing brought back memories. Namely memories of combating the gargoyles, when the whole war with them was really all his fault anyway because he kicked the doors to the Abyss down and stole their sacred text. Memories like that certainly didn’t make him swell up with pride, that was certain.

He looked over his selection of weapons and held the crown jewel of it in his hands. It was a two-handed greatsword made of metal as black as the void of space from pommel to point. The crossguard had a gaping hole in its center where a gem used to be, and branched out into two claw-like blades, like the sword itself was a middle finger to all things good and holy in the universe. The Black Sword. What the blade lacked in any imagination in its name, it more than made up for in body count. The legions of evil once fell by the droves before Noah with it in his hands. But that was a long time ago.

Noah strapped the sword’s scabbard to his back and slid it into its proper place, fastening it tight before picking up his backup blade. It was different from the Black Sword in almost every possible way, the sun to the Black Sword’s moon. It was light, simple in design, could be held in one hand, shining silver, and didn’t require a pact with a demon to obtain, though it did require a pact with an asshole that had the audacity to ask money for it after Noah busted his ass to break the bastard out of jail. The Quicksword, Enilno. Oh, the trouble Noah went through to get the damn thing, back before he was even the Avatar. Even more trouble running it through Minax’s teleporting ass and ending her time fuckery, the cheap, cowardly bitch. Those were memories to be proud of. With a satisfied smile, he strapped the sword’s scabbard to his left hip and slid it in.

He held up his anti-magic gun and inspected it. 5.56mm pistol based off the one from Blade Runner, though with an added enchantment to, as it says on the tin, wreck the shit of anything magical. How a redneck who spoke English about as well as a fish could sew managed to make the thing continued to baffle Noah, but he learned long ago to not think too hard about Arlo’s… anything.

Last but not least, he quickly slid his golden magic ring on his finger without any rumination on it. Just being reminded of the brain-melting frustration he had to slog through to get it would likely cause spontaneous hemorrhaging.

The racks of weaponry sped away with the roar of a train, like the Matrix reference the whole place was, before he returned to the normal world. Well, as normal as a world with alternate reality robot doubles, Irish lesbian dictators with clone armies, and where a Muppet is God could be. Specifically, he was back in his basement/Insano’s lab.

Waiting for him were the only two other Channel Awesome affiliates who wanted anything to do with an adventure after the Europa incident, Angry Joe and Linkara. Somehow only the Nostalgia Critic had the power to bring people together for crazy and potentially life-threatening ventures despite being an untrustworthy douchebag. Maybe he should’ve tried the fake free car thing.

“Got everything you need?” Linkara asked from his seat as he thumbed through his pocket-sized spell book. He was wearing his travel outfit with its plaid shirt and leather vest instead of his normal heavy brown coat that made him look like a wannabe cowboy. His trademark cowboy hat that made him look like a wannabe cowboy was still on his head, though.

“Ready to kick ass and take names,” Noah answered as he picked up the old sign post that led to this personal armory. The faded lettering on rotting wood read, “Fortes fortuna adiuvat.” Why a sign post written in Latin would lead to an extra-dimensional armory, Noah had no idea. Sosaria was a weird-ass place before Lord British took over.

“Finally,” Joe groaned as he twirled his lightsaber around his fingers, show-off Sith that he was. “Almost done with those upgrades, Linksano?”

“Finished five seconds ago,” the alternate-universe Doctor Insano said as he poked his head out from behind the portal. “I couldn’t get the transporter to be exact since there’s no connecting portal built yet, but I was able to reduce the spread significantly. Before, anyone who walked through could end up anywhere on the planet.”

“So what’s the spread now?” Linkara asked as he pocketed his spell book and stood up.

“Well… an entire continent the size of Australia and Canada combined,” the scientist said with a nervous chuckle as he stepped out into the open. “That’s the best I can get it on such short notice.”

“Well, ain’t that just great,” Spoony sighed, connecting forehead to hand. “It’ll take us for fucking ever just to find each other.”

“Hey, your universe’s portal technology is complete crap; I’m basically banging two rocks together here and trying to make cold fusion,” Linksano shot back.

“It’s fine, Linksano; you did a good job,” Linkara said with a pat to the scientist’s shoulder.

“Fine, whatever,” Linksano grumbled, shrugging his employer off.

Linkara ignored him and turned to the Spoony and Joe. “Okay, since we can’t all end up in the same spot, here’s the plan: Spoony, we go through and try to find the nearest civilization and try to draw attention, start rumors, and find allies. I’ll set up a beacon that hopefully Comicron 1 or Space Guy’s ship will pick up. Joe, you use your Red Lantern ring to fly around and try to find us. After we regroup, we go after Kefka and hopefully find Insano. Linksano, if you don’t hear from us in a week, send Pollo, Snowflame, and the Ninja Style Dancer to come back us up.”

“Sounds good to me. Still, wish we had more time,” Spoony growled. “No telling what Kefka’s already wrecked on the other side by now, anyway.”

“Well, you know what they say; when life gives you lemons, go and murder a clown,” Joe said with a trigger happy grin as he stepped toward the portal.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how that saying goes,” Linksano chimed in.

“That’s how it goes now!” Joe was about to leap into the swirling door of color when Spoony held him back by the scruff of his leather jacket.

“Hold it, we need to check our equipment one last time before we go,” Noah said firmly. “I cannot tell you how much shit can go wrong on a quest if you forget even a single thing.”

Linkara let out an unconvincing cough that sounded a lot like “serpent ring.”

Joe let out a growling sigh and stood back up. “Fine. I’ve got my supplies, I’ve got my lightsaber, I’ve got my AS-KR1, I’ve got my ring. Am I missing anything, mom?”

“Certainly not missing your attitude,” Noah deadpanned. “You, Linkara?”

Linkara, also in the spirit of showing off, twirled out his magic flintlock pistol and his dragon dagger. “I have my weapons, I have my morpher, and I have my provisions. I’m good to go.”

“Alright, that’s everything,” Noah said with a shaky sigh. “Let’s hope Cthulhu or some shit isn’t waiting for us on the other side.”

“Why? Haven’t you always wanted to take out an Elder God?” Joe asked. “Anyone? Just me?”

“I did once; it wasn’t fun,” Linkara groaned.

“Yeah, good luck not dying and all that,” Linksano said, his disinterest plain. “Nimue, beam me back up.” With a glow of light and a few sparkles, the scientist was gone.

Noah turned his attention to the portal. Beyond the swirling lights and colors could lie anything in the fathomable universe. The fact that they already knew that a mad scientist bent on world domination and an equally mad mage clown bent on universal annihilation were already on the other side didn’t exactly set a high bar.

“You sure you want to do this, Spoony?” Linkara asked, walking to his friends side.

“I’m sure,” he nodded. “Whoever or whatever is native to that planet needs our help. Insano is a fucking dumbass who couldn’t conquer Rhode Island, but Kefka is another story. An entire planet, possibly the entire universe, is in danger, and it’s our responsibility to do what we can.”

“Well said, Spoon; well said,” Joe said solemnly, patting Noah on the shoulder. The reverence and weight of their mission lasted for all of one second before Joe shouted, “Last one in buys the others’ review material for a month!” and leaped into the portal with manic gusto.

The two remaining heroes exchanged a glance and rolled their eyes with matching smiles. “I’ll go next,” Linkara volunteered, stepping forward. He looked over his shoulder and gave Spoony an assuring nod. “See you on the other side.” He walked through and vanished, leaving the Spoony One alone.

“Noah?”

Almost alone, apparently.

“Yeah, Miles?” he asked, looking up the stairs where his brother was standing.

Miles opened his mouth to speak a few times, but words were not forthcoming. With a sigh and a wave of his hand, he just said, “Just get going. You better come back in one piece, or I’ll arrest you on trumped charges for worrying me half to death.”

“Sure thing,” Noah said with a chuckle. The two brothers shared stares and a few moments of silence before the Avatar turned away. “See you,” was all he managed to say before he marched forward into the unknown.

The second his brother vanished, Miles heard a knock at the door followed by Oreo barking her head off. “Coming!” he shouted as he jogged up the stairs and down the hall, wondering who it was. Oreo was there waiting, growling at the shadow through the glass. “Calm down, girl.”

When Miles opened the door, he only had a few seconds to take in the stranger’s features. White skin, long silvery hair, black leather overcoat… a single black, feathery wing growing out of his back…

“What in the hell are–”

A sharp crack to the head with the hilt of the man’s katana cut him off and knocked him out.

Spoony groaned as he blearily opened his eyes. His head was pounding like a truck was repeatedly running over it and everything smelled like his cooking. Not the best start to an adventure, but he’d been through worse. At least the universe hadn’t taken all his shit away from him.

His eyes snapped open and he felt himself to make sure he hadn’t jinxed himself. To his great relief, he hadn’t; he still had his chainmail, and he still had his weapons. That’s when it hit him that everything felt… off. The complete lack of fingers was a big indicator. He looked down to see a pair of hooves covered in black fur instead of the fingers that had so gallantly suffered through the most horrible of games with him all those years.

He let out a small yelp and flopped backwards when he noticed voices coming closer from all directions. Since he was fairly certain that he took his crazy pills before he left, he took stock of his surroundings. He was in the middle of a crater, and all he could see when he looked up was clear sky. Seeing as that told him jack shit, he peered up over the edge and looked around. The earth was dry and cracked, with cacti dotting the landscape of what looked to be an Old Western town. Spoony briefly contemplated that Insano, moronic genius that he was, created a portal back in time, but bang went that theory when he saw all the technicolor horse things with obscenely huge eyes peering out of the windows at the smoking crater he had arrived in. They all slowly filed out of their hiding places, murmuring amongst each other as they walked closer. A yellow one galloped ahead of the others, wearing a leather vest and a cowboy hat.

Spoony just stared blankly as the forerunner road up to him and looked down, a concerned frown on the thing’s face. “You okay, partner?” it asked in a distinctly male voice. Scratch that, distinctly male and distinctly gay. “What’s a pony like you doin’ in these parts?”

Spoony didn’t answer, but just looked around at the horde of colorful anime creatures swarmed his hole.

His greeter tilted his head and looked around behind Spoony’s neck. “Well I’ll be, you’ve got wings, too! I didn’t know there was a fourth alicorn!” The muttering among the crowd got more excited and confused. “You must be royalty, right? Well, your Highness,” he started, rearing on his hind legs, “welcome to Aaaappleoosa!”

Getting back on all fours, the thing looked at him with wide, eager, and friendly green eyes and a sparkling smile.

Noah screamed.

Transformation Central, Part the First

An hour later, in the Appleoosa medical clinic, the black alicorn was still screaming.

“So, what do you think is wrong with him, doc?” Braeburn asked the white earth pony mare in front of him.

“For the last time Brae, I’m a nurse, not a doctor,” she mumbled as she examined the screaming alicorn, tossing her maroon ponytail over her other shoulder. “As for what’s wrong with him, let’s start with the fact that he’s a he. There are no records of male alicorns existing, ever. Up to this point, it’s been considered a physical possibility for one to exist. Two, he’s either in shock or having a psychotic break. Or both, it’s hard to tell.”

“No broken bones or nothin’? Ah mean, pardon my Prench, but it looked like he fell from the bucking sky!” Braeburn gaped.

“No signs of trauma, but that’s no surprise. Alicorns supposedly can recover from anything, and are very hard to hurt to begin with,” the nurse explained, looking her patient over. “There aren’t even any signs of cranial trauma, so this isn’t due to a concussion or other brain damage. Near as I can tell, he just snapped.”

“But why? Appleoosa is the friendliest and least threatening place south of Canterlot,” Braeburn asked, giving the stranger a onceover himself.

“Wait just a fucking minute,” the patient blurted out, the screams suddenly stopping, “Canterlot? Are you serious with that name?”

The two smaller ponies almost jumped in their fur. “Um… yes?” Braeburn responded hesitantly. “It’s Equestria’s capital. I take it you’re not from around here, are ya, partner?”

“Equestria? That has got to be the single gayest name for a place I have ever heard, not to mention lazy. I mean, really? Might as well have named where I come from Primatopia or Simianapolis,” the alicorn rambled angrily to nobody in particular. “I hate this fucking place already!” He blinked, his face suddenly going blank. “Oh god, I’m stuck in a world full of talking colorful ponies.”

The two mortal ponies shared looks that amounted to “what the buck is he talking about?”

The alicorn roughly shook his head and leaped off the observation table. He stumbled and almost fell as he tried and failed to stand on his hind legs, only hunching his back against the ceiling before giving up and getting on all fours. “Look, I don’t have time for this shit. You said Canterlot’s the capital city, right?”

Braeburn nodded, his jaw slightly slack. “That’s right.”

“Take me to your leader; there’s a dangerous lunatic god clown on the loose who probably wants to skullfuck everyone on the continent with lightning bolts for shits and giggles, and don’t you dare stick that in me, bitch!” he snapped at the nurse, who was furtively reaching for a syringe. “I am not crazy! Okay, I took that insanity plea in court that one time, and I do take pills, but this is no laughing matter! Every second is a second closer to Armageddon for this Technicolor hellhole, and I need to get to whoever’s in charge right the fuck now.”

The pair of mortals shared another look, and both silently agreed to not mess with the crazy, heavily armed immortal.

“There should be a train leaving for Canterlot soon,” the nurse said slowly. “If you hurry, you can catch it.”

The alicorn pointed a front leg to Braeburn. “You, show me to the train station, now! You’re taking me to this Canterlot place.”

Braeburn’s eyebrows shot up. “B-but Ah’ve never-”

“No buts except getting yours in gear,” the alicorn snapped. “Unless you want the world as you know it to go up in hellfire, move it!”

“Yes sir!” Braeburn squeaked, dashing out into the street with the crazy alicorn hot on his heels, though the strange stallion was stumbling over his hooves every now and then like a foal learning to walk. “Oh sweet Celestia, what’ve I gotten myself into?”

“Mmm… oh yeah…” Lyra flicked her tongue out to take another taste, another happy moan following. “So sweet as always, Bonny…”

“Yes, Lyra, I know. And stop calling me Bonny, please?”

“Aw, but it’s cute,” Lyra mewled with another lick, earning a groan from Bon Bon.

“Seriously, stop.”

“But I don’t wanna,” the unicorn whined with another, longer lick. “Besides, you asked me to.”

“But do you have to drag it out so much?” her partner moaned.

“Yes, yes I do,” she giggled. She let out another loving moan as her licking got faster.

“Lyra.”

“Mmmm,” she hummed, ignoring her name.

“Lyra.”

“Mrrrrm… yes?” she asked breathlessly.

“Lyra!”

Lyra put down the bowl with her tongue still drenched in chocolately goodness to see her marefriend’s tan face bright red and her blue eyes narrowed. She had her back turned to the counter and was glaring at her from the front of the candy shop and into the kitchen. “Could you please stop making those… noises while you lick off my equipment?”

“But it’s so good!” Lyra half whined, half pouted, slurping her tongue back into her mouth and her lower lip quivering.

“You’re doing it to tease me and you know it!” she hissed, shifting her weight on her hind legs.

Lyra’s mock innocence burst into flames to reveal the teasing devil underneath, pitchfork barely hidden behind her back. “And I also know that you love it, Bonny,” she giggled with a smirk.

Bon Bon scowled, her face growing redder and avoiding eye contact with her marefriend. “That’s beside the point. You’re just lucky that nopony’s in the shop right now, or you’d be sleeping on the couch.”

“You keep saying that, and yet it keeps not happening,” Lyra said with a shrug, her smirk still plastered on her face while she lapped up the last of the chocolate mix from the mixing bowl. “Come on, you can’t live without me.”

“I’m weighing my options,” Bon Bon mumbled before turning back to her post.

“I love you too, Bonny,” Lyra said with a smile. She turned around, humming to herself as she started properly washing Bon Bon’s candy making equipment in the sink. Her horn glowed, her lyre floating from the kitchen table over to its master as she began to play. A comfortable silence passed between the two lovers; Lyra didn’t look back to see the smile on Bon Bon’s face from her music, but she didn’t have to anymore.

The silence was short lived. The front door slammed open, the sound so loud it almost drowned out the ringing bell above it. Lyra’s ear twitched. “Who would come this early? School isn’t out yet,” she wondered out loud under her breath.

“Hello, and welcome to Bon Appetite,” Bon Bon greeted. “What can I…” She paused. “Oh, you’re that clod who yelled at Princess Celestia, aren’t you?” she deadpanned. “What do you want?”

“Clod? Clod?! Pah, quick to judge, aren’t you?” a shrill male voice scoffed. “If you must know, I’m on her payroll right now, which makes me a government employee. I suggest you treat me with a bit more respect.”

“I’m quivering in my horseshoes.” Lyra could practically feel Bon Bon roll her eyes. “Again, what do you want? I think we’ll both be happier if you get your plot out of here as fast as possible.”

Lyra set her lyre and the dishes down. She leaned around the corner to get a better peek into the front of the shop. Lo and behold, there was that scientist that had tried to kill Celestia and yet was somehow not in jail for life, stupid looking goggles and all.

“I’m looking for the other mare that lives here. Your buckbuddy, right?” he asked with all the grace and tact of a drunken buffalo.

“She is my marefriend,” Bon Bon growled. “Now, why should I let her talk to you?”

“Don’t give me that look; Rainbow Dash’s words, not mine. And you’re her lesbian lover, not her secretary. Just tell me where the damn mare is,” he demanded.

“How about no?” she huffed.

“How about kiss my ass?” He propped his front legs up and slammed his hooves on the counter.

“Using racist slurs isn’t making me want to talk to you more,” Bon Bon deadpanned.

“Again with the-” Insano flailed his front legs in the air. “I am not racist against donkeys; that word doesn’t mean that where I come from, and quite frankly it’s fucking stupid!”

“Sure it doesn’t,” Bon Bon drawled in the way she always did when she was losing patience and restraining herself from branding someone’s plot with her hoof. “Look, are you going to leave on your own, or am I going to have to kick you out?”

Insano brought his hooves back down on the counter and snarled. “Fine, if you want to do it the hard way, then-”

“Excuse me,” Lyra cut in, leaning her head clear into view, “but what exactly do you want with me?”

Her marefriend shot her a look that clearly said “get back in the kitchen,” while Insano’s petty rage melted into a mad smile. “Ah, there you are! I’m here to offer you an opportunity of the lifetime, my fair mare.”

“Oh you are, are you?” Bon Bon drawled again, turning back to the scientist.

Lyra smiled nervously. “Mister Insano, I’m sure whatever you’re selling is fascinating, but I really don’t think we need anything right now.”

“I’m not offering to sell you something,” Insano scoffed, crinkling his nose. “Good lord, salesmen are the bane of all things dignified.”

“Because cowering in front of Celestia the other week just screamed dignity,” Bon Bon sniped with a smirk, earning a giggle from Lyra.

“What I am proposing,” he continued pointedly, “is that I give you something, and I give you money for letting me give it to you. Really, you’d be taking advantage of me.”

Lyra’s brow furrowed and her face darkened. “I don’t know what the other ponies are saying about me, but just because I play my lyre on the street corner for spare bits does not mean I’m a prostitute.”

“Prosti-” Insano shook his head angrily, his face draining of color even though it was white to begin with. “Oh fuck no, not that! I wouldn’t stick my dick in any of you equine harlots if I was poisoned and your vaginas were the only cure! I’m offering to give you an operation, god.”

“You’re offering to put my life in your care while you cut me open,” Lyra said flatly.

“Exactly! Well, except not exactly,” he stammered, climbing off the counter and putting all fours back on the floor. “I heard from a little birdie that you’re a ‘humare,’ yes? A pony that loves her some homo sapiens?”

Bon Bon’s cold stare turned into evasive embarrassment, sending a little sting through Lyra’s heart. “I am, yes. What business is it of yours?”

“Well, through the miracle of science, I’ve developed an operation to turn a pony from a four-legged trotter to a two-legged walker,” Insano said with a proud smile. “All it’ll take is a few hours of genetic engineering and chiropractic work. I just need a test subject, and I’m willing to pay for it.”

Lyra blinked as she felt her heart and mind try to outrace each other. “H-how much?” she stammered out, trying not to either faint or squee so hard she could break glass.

“Well, considering what’s in my budget,” he started coyly, “and how much this surgery will cost me in materials, and the fact this is strictly off the record and with my own spare time… how does fifteen hundred bits sound?”

“F…f…fifteen hundred?” Bon Bon stammered, her jaw slack. “We wouldn’t have to worry about taxes for the next year and still have bits left over!”

The two marefriends exchanged looks, Bon Bon’s jaw almost to the floor and Lyra barely hiding a diabetes-inducing grin. Bon Bon shook her head and dragged Lyra back into the kitchen. “Just a minute, we need to talk this over,” she said quickly.

“Hey!” Lyra yelped, kicking her hind legs.

“Whatever, just hurry it up,” Insano huffed, crossing his forelegs and tapping his hoof on the counter.

Bon Bon roughly set Lyra on her plot in front of her, her lips in a pained frown. “Look, sweety,” she whispered, “I know that we could really use the money, and that this is what you’ve always wanted, but… I’m not sure it’s worth the risk of trusting this guy. He’s dangerous; we all saw him snap and attack Princess Celestia. Nopony trustworthy or stable would ever do that.”

“I know, I know,” Lyra whispered back, “but he also operated on Dinky’s eyes while he was still recovering from surgery, didn’t he? He can’t be all bad.” A little niggling of doubt squirmed in the back of her mind, but she quashed it.

“I guess,” Bon Bon muttered, her frown deepening. “I don’t know.” She sighed. “Look, I know I haven’t been the most supportive of your humare lifestyle, but if this is really, really what you want… I’ll love you whether you come back walking on two legs or four, okay?” She pulled Lyra into a tight hug, nuzzling her cheek against her marefriend’s.

Lyra felt a rush of heat grace her cheeks as she hugged Bon Bon back. “Thanks, hon… that really means a lot.” She squeezed a bit tighter before pulling away and kissing Bon Bon’s nose. “But this really is what I want. I’m going to go through with it, okay? I’ll be careful. If he tries anything, I’ll grip his balls with my magic and not let go until they’re a fine red mist.”

“That’s my mare,” Bon Bon snickered, kissing Lyra’s nose back.

Lyra smiled and turned back around, trotting into the kitchen with Bon Bon in tow. “Okay, Mister Insano, I’ll do it. But no funny business, you hear?”

“That’s Doctor Insano to you,” Insano sneered before grinning ear to ear. “But splendid! Now if you’ll just follow me back to my lab, we can get started. I guarantee you’ll love your new body!” He turned around and cantered out with a weird spring in his step, not looking back to see if Lyra was following.

The two mares shared a look before Bon Bon nuzzled her partner. “Go on; I’ll be waiting,” she whispered with a small but worried smile.

“You won’t have to wait long,” Lyra assured. She pecked Bon Bon teasingly on the lips before galloping off after Insano, a trail of dust left in her wake.

Transformation Central II: The Seconding

Pop quiz: what’s whiter than Texan senate and colder than the north pole of Hoth?

Joe would have loved to know the answer, because somehow that’s where he ended up. Snow, snow, snow, maybe a funny looking rock, and more goddamn snow as far as the Red Lantern’s eye could see. If he didn’t have his ring and the power of his frustration to keep him warm, he would have been a very nice something-cicle an hour ago. He didn’t know what he was anymore, just that it was rust-red colored and scaly with a tail. His first guess was “dragon,” but the giddiness of becoming undiluted awesome fell with each snowflake, and there was a fuckton of snowflakes falling.

“I am so kicking Linksano’s ass when I get back,” he growled as he flew through the air, flexing his claws. He groaned in anger and came to a stop, looking around and seeing precisely dick. “Where the hell is… anything?!”

He let out a snarl and lowered himself to the ground, powering down his ring. New approach needed; eyes were useless, but the second sight of a Sith might not. He closed his eyes and impatiently lashed his tail as he reached out with the Force.

He almost fell backwards from the sheer amount of dark side energy that was nearby. Not living, not quite, not from a breathing Force user, just pure undiluted darkness clinging to something in the tundra like the black part of burnt toast.

“Jesus Christ!” he marveled, snapping his eyes open. “And here I thought this trip wouldn’t get me any good loot!”

His ring flashed to life and he sped off, flying low to the ground and kicking up snow as he went. He didn’t have to go far, and the treasure loving Sith dove right into the snow where he sensed the source, kicking up powder everywhere.

“Come on, come to papa!” he cackled with a wild, demented grin as he clawed and raked the snow aside, fumbling for whatever it was hiding. His claws finally grasped something solid, and his eyes practically lit up like the lights of Vegas as he felt the sheer power jolt up his arm. “Gotcha!”

Joe pulled his arm back, and his wild-eyed greed was replaced with confusion. The thing in his hand was a black and red something or other the length of his forearm that looked like a thorn, or a claw, or a horn snapped off of someone or something. He looked down its broad end, and it did indeed have the inside of some sort of bone, perfectly preserved in the snow but with mysterious singe marks around its edge.

“Well, that was a rip off,” he snorted. “The hell could I do with this thing? Probably some dark lord’s backscratcher or some shit.”

He cocked his arm back to toss it back into the snow. Everything in his arm seized up. He felt his head quickly grow numb and shook it, bringing his free hand to his head and looking down at the relic again. “On second thought,” he droned lifelessly, his own internal thoughts speaking in unison in a voice not quite his own, “maybe I should keep it. It could come in handy later…”

He shook his head and snapped his eyes to where the horizon would be if he could see shit. Through the haze of dark side energy, its epicenter firmly in hand, he could sense a wellspring of light side energy. It was much more energetic, lively; not a trace of a past event or person, but one actually still living and breathing. Many living and breathing someones, in fact.

“Finally,” he breathed, shooting back up into the air and speeding off at the prospect of some actual contact, the horn growing warmer and warmer to the touch in his hand. “Maybe someone will be there that can tell me what the hell is going on, even if they are pansy-ass light-siders…”

“Next stop: science!”

The little elevator in Insano’s new house dinged and the mad colt practically skipped out of it into his basement laboratory, madly giggling to himself. Lyra was more cautious, stepping nervously out of the lift and onto the tile floor, keeping an eye on the scientist. If he acted any more effeminate or any more crazy, his Y chromosome and his brain would probably both file for divorce.

“So, this is your lab?” she asked, taking a risk and looking around the room instead of at him. It was blinky lights central, with wall-to-wall machines running incomprehensible computations, beakers bubbling for no discernible reason, and shelves of creepy anatomical examples in jars that were half-replaced with machine parts. She could have sworn she saw a cybernetic eye blink at her. It’s how she’d imagine Twi’s place would look if the unicorn had absolutely no semblance of sanity or good taste.

“Well, this is my temporary lab, really, while I work here,” he corrected, looking over a selection of multicolored jars with injection needles at the bottom. Not promising. “I hope to go home and get some of my old stuff to bring over. My landlord is a jackass and wouldn’t let me build half of this stuff, but here I have government funding.”

“And where are you from, exactly?” she asked with a raised brow. “You don’t have any accent I’ve ever heard.”

“Very far away from here, you never would have heard of it,” he shrugged off. “Now, get on the operating table so I can sedate you and we can get started.”

Lyra looked over to where he pointed. It looked like any other operating chair she’d seen at the Heart Sister’s place, with black leather and segments to raise and lower if needed. There was even a canister and breathing mask off to the side to put her under. It looked too… not suspicious.

“Why do I need to be sedated if this is chiropractic?” she asked warily.

“Chiropractic and genetic,” he corrected, levitating one of the needle jars and looking it over. “I’m turning you from something with four hooves and a horizontal spine to something with two hooves and two hands with a vertical spine. Your genetic code is going to get rewritten and I’m going to be monitoring to make sure all your new parts grow in right, and it’s going to hurt like nothing you’ve ever experienced.”

“So… you really can’t turn me into a full human,” she sighed.

“Not right away, fuck no,” he scoffed. “If I were to completely rewrite your genetics in one go, you’d croak. We’ll see how this part of the operation goes. If there are no complications, I’ll ring you up for the second half and make you into a full ape sometime later.”

Lyra looked between the operating table and the distracted mad doctor. She looked back to the elevator. Just a short canter and a single pushed button, and she’d be on her way back home to Bon Bon. No mad science, no operation, no risk. But also no change, or the money they needed.

She took a deep breath and climbed onto the operating table, lying on her stomach. “Okay, I’m ready when you-”

The table under her shifted violently, straps shooting out from under the table and tying down her legs. She let out a yelp before another pair of straps shot up and tied down her muzzle and neck, her bonds digging into her skin.

“I’m just about ready,” he chuckled darkly. “Can’t believe you fell for this. I mean, my god, I’m Doctor fucking Insano! I once got elected president by the most powerful country on Earth, and yet I am still amazed when people are shocked that I’m fucking evil!”

Lyra tried to keep calm and use magic to escape, but her horn didn’t even glow. She tugged at her legs and tried to pull her head back, but the more she struggled, the tighter her bonds got.

“Don’t worry; you’ll get what you want. I really do need a test subject to see if I can make a pony more human,” he said with a giggle. “But there are some… extra surgeries I’d like to perform on you. There’s a 98% percent chance you’ll survive them, though, I promise you that. I can always make sure you don’t remember any of this anyway.”

The mad doctor cantered in front of his prone patient, a wicked grin on his face as she looked up at him in terror. “I just need a willing assistant, a henchman, to help me out on a secret project of mine, or as willing as cranial implants and hypnosis can make you. And really, nobody would ever expect you to be my accomplice, and you want this so badly, so you’re the ideal choice. It’s really nothing personal. Now, hold still…”

Transformation Central 3: Dark of the Stupid Titles

“Goddamn it!”

Linkara fell backwards and tried his hardest not to scream any more obscenities into the heavens – if the heavens could even hear him through the deep, no doubt eldritch fog and thick canopy of the forest. He wanted to clench his fists hard in frustration, but hooves robbed him of the simple pleasure of having fingers. He settled for gritting his teeth and stomping his way through the creepy town’s dirt streets and barging back into the bar. The first time he walked in he found a rustic charm to it, like a western saloon or somesuch, but  way back after visit number three he was beyond the point of caring.

“Look bub,” he barked at the bartender, raising his front legs and slamming them on the counter, “I don’t know what you’re playing at, but I cannot, repeat, cannot get out of this freaking town! You have ten seconds, exactly ten seconds to tell me what the hell is going on with this place and point me in the direction of whatever ancient evil I have to fight so I can leave or I’ll… I’ll…” He bit his tongue and silently fumed; can’t lose control, can’t give into anger, his magic relied on him being a good person. “I don’t know what, but seriously, throw me a bone here!”

The wizened old horse gave him a scowl. “Boy, I gave you directions five bucking times already. It’s a straight shot out of town once you find the road; I don’t know how you keep getting lost!”

“I am not getting lost,” he repeated with a deep breath, “something in the fog is turning me around every time I leave, and I end up back here again. I don’t sense any hoodoo going on here, but I know evil fog when I see it!”

“Fog ain’t evil, you paranoid nutjob,” the old man spat back. “Fog can’t be evil; it’s just fog! Didn’t nopony teach you what fog is in school?”

“I’ll have you know I have a college edu-” He bit his tongue again and swallowed his pride. “Look sir, I know that something is wrong with this town. I am a wizard and I know a cursed town when I’m in one. Are you sure nothing’s been weird around here lately?”

“Only thing weird around here has been you and that crater you arrived in, and my hospitality can only go so far,” the bartender spat. “Go on and get, you crazy bastard!”

“But I can’t even-!”

“If Trixie may cut in…”

Linkara’s ears perked up and he turned his head. A blue unicorn was sliding out of her seat, a wizard’s hat on her head and a cape across her back. She was a slight bit shorter than him, probably quite a bit younger.

"The Great and Power... Apologetic Trixie has found it greatly amusing to see you flail like this for the past hour, but now it's getting dull,” she said quite bluntly with a small smile. “Her show is done here, so do you want to accompany her out of town? She’s been in and out of Hollow Shades many times, and she can assure you it isn’t cursed."

“Whatever gets him out of here,” the old man huffed. “Consider your tab paid next time you visit, girl.”

“Trixie thanks you,” she said with a small bow, trotting towards the door. “Come along, Trixie will show you the way out of town. We just need to get her wagon first.”

Linkara frowned and followed, trying to keep his head held high as he was being lead around like a clueless child.

He stepped through the door, and found himself in the misty streets again. He could barely see five feet in front of him, let alone ten, and his glasses constantly got fogged up to the point of being useless. With a deep breath, he got his composure back and followed the stranger very close.

“Thanks for that,” he said. “I’m not sure I could’ve kept my cool if I kept talking much longer.”

“If that’s what you consider keeping cool, what do you consider losing your temper?” she asked pointedly, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

He laughed a bit nervously. “Uh… yeah, I kind of acted like an ass back there, didn’t I?”

The good Samaritan’s eyes narrowed. “The use of racial slurs isn’t helping, but yes, you did.”

He blinked, not having the faintest clue what she meant, but decided to act like he did. “Oh, right, sorry. Force of habit; parents used that word all the time when I was a kid,” he fibbed.

“Trixie sees,” she said evenly. He guessed her name was Trixie and that she just had a thing for third person; he could roll with that.

He sighed and added, “Look, I’m really sorry. I don’t usually act like that, honest. I mean, I used to. A while back I acted like a major jerk to just about everybody I knew for a bit, but I’ve been trying to get better. I mean… I like to think that I have, but sometimes I guess I just relapse, you know?” he explained.

“Trixie… knows what that’s like,” she said, hesitance clear as she looked away.

He mentally facepalmed; digging up bad memories in his guide right off the bat, good going. “I think we all do at some point,” he tried to assure her.

“Some of us do more horrible things than others,” she muttered with a shake of her head. “Surely you heard of that incident with the alicorn amulet in Ponyville?”

“I can’t say that I have,” he admitted, brow furrowed.

“No offense, but you must live under a rock. It was all over the papers for a while,” she scoffed. “The entire town got enslaved for a day in a short-lived dictatorship due to a lunatic mage wearing the alicorn amulet. And that lunatic was Trixie, though nopony told her that the amulet makes the wearer more aggressive and irrational before she put it on.”

“Oh…” was all he could think to say to that.

“Yeah, ‘oh,’” Trixie repeated with a sigh. “Nopony was willing to speak to Trixie for months afterward, which meant no money, which meant she was pretty much destitute for the better part of a year.”

He cringed a bit in sympathy; definitely not much he could say to that. “Well… if it makes you feel better, when I went mad with power I almost held a major corporate office hostage and threatened to destroy it. No magic artifact or anything, I was just… well, a major dick, pardon my language.” He decided to leave out the part that it was an AI hologram copy of himself that almost did it and that it – and by proxy, him – was fully willing to kill all his friends if it had to. Too long of a story with technobabble about technology he wasn’t even sure existed on this world.

Trixie turned back to him to look him over. “Trixie supposes she has an excuse, at least. Why was that never in the papers? You’d have to be a pretty powerful unicorn to think you could do that, and the palace doesn’t take kindly to terrorism.”

“It was very far away. I’m not from around here,” he brushed off hastily. “And I’m not that powerful. I mean, I’m learning, and I know some really nifty spells that’ve gotten me through a few fights, but I’m self taught. I didn’t even really learn how my magic worked until last year.”

“A self taught mage who took an entire building hostage,” she repeated. “Why exactly did you do that, again?”

“It’s a long, embarrassing, personal story,” he said with a bit of a groan.

“Well, if Trixie is going to be taking on a passenger that’s so dangerous, she’d like to know more about him,” she said pointedly, giving him a wary look.

“Can it wait until we’re on the road?” he asked, trying not to sound like he was pleading.

“If you really want,” she said with a small huff, nose in the air. “Let it not be said that Trixie was ever a nosy mare.” Through the fog, a wagon came into view. It was small, barely big enough to hold one person – or little horse, he guessed. Her horn glowed as she trotted up to the front of it, latching herself into the harness with levitation magic. “Okay, just follow Trixie and she’ll make sure you don’t get lost again.”

Linkara bit back his belief that the town was cursed and that no he did not get lost. He said instead, “Do you want me to pull the carriage? I mean, far be it from me to say you can’t, but it’s the least I could do for you since you’re taking a chance on me.”

Trixie looked him up and down before just trotting forward, carrying the wagon behind her with ease, betraying sheer muscle she didn’t even look like she had. “No offense, but you look too out of shape to do so. Trixie is more than strong enough. Just trot beside me and try to keep up.”

He blinked at her sheer speed before galloping to get to her side again. “Well, okay, if you’re sure,” he said as he slowed to a trot beside her.

“Trixie is,” she said curtly, not looking him in the eye. “And you said your name is…?”

“Linkara,” he finished.

“Odd name,” she said, looking to him and sizing him up all over, as if he was constantly changing shape. “If you don’t want to give away your full past, may Trixie at least ask what your cutie mark means? It certainly doesn’t say your talent is magic, unless there’s some sort of obscure school of magic that requires pens.”

Linkara blinked in confusion before following her gaze at his own hip. He couldn’t get a good look at it from his angle, but amidst his own dark green fur was some sort of picture or tattoo of a box of red pens, with one striking a line across his flank.

“Um… well, I was an English major in college,” he ventured, trying not to sound like he was making it up, “and I pretty much make a living pointing out other people’s mistakes. So yeah, my talent is pointing out and correcting errors.”

“And yet you’re a wizard, not a teacher,” she repeated back to him, brow furrowed.

“Well… yes,” he said, realizing how bizarre it sounded. “But there’s a lot of mistakes that can be fixed with a bit of sorcery too, right?”

“Trixie supposes,” she admitted, hesitant.

“What about yours?” he asked, his eyes staying away from the stranger’s hip.

“Trixie is a showmare,” she said proudly, nose held high as she pulled her raggedy wagon along. “She wows audiences with her magic, and bits fill her hat by the time she leaves.” Her pride faded and ears dropped before she added, “Used to, anyway. Even after everypony forgot or forgave the alicorn amulet incident, I still only make enough to get by now.”

He took mental note of her dropping into first person and said, “I don’t exactly live the glamorous life back home, either. Some people just refuse to let me make money off my work, so my finances could be doing better too. Still, I do have a roof over my head, so sorry about what you’re going through.”

“No, it’s quite alright,” she assured. “Life on the road chose Trixie, and she’s learned to like it. She doesn’t really know any other life now. Speaking of which, we’re on the road now.”

Linkara looked around to see the shadows of trees instead of the shadows of buildings around them, roots anchored into the edge of the dirt road. “Yeah, and this is the part where I usually get turned around in the fog,” he mumbled, wishing he still had fingers so he could get his magic gun ready since he still had no idea how to do the levitate-y thing.

Trixie sighed and shook her head. “Is it really so hard to believe that you got lost? Are you so good at navigation that your cutie mark should be a compass rose like Daring Do?”

“I…” He closed his mouth again and sighed. “Well… no… and there was that time I got lost for a month trying to go to a city north of me and somehow kept… going south… eheh.”

“So you thought that the town was cursed because you can’t tell a compass from your own plot,” she said flatly.

He started and aborted several stumbling defenses before just admitting, “Yes.”

Trixie rolled her eyes and huffed. “Stallions. Look, the train station is just outside the forest, and we’ll be there far before nightfall. We’ll have to part ways there; the train will get you wherever you need to go.”

“Canterlot, right,” he nodded, hoping he remembered where to go correctly. “Where are you going?”

“Trixie was thinking perhaps she would head south, since she’s done several shows in all the major eastern towns lately. Dodge Junction then Appleloosa,” she mused. “It’s either that or head west, and she doesn’t like doing shows in Canterlot and isn’t keen on visiting Ponyville again, and it’s a long road until I’d reach any towns further west than them.”

“Why don’t you like performing in Canterlot?” he asked.

“Ponies there have far more bits to spend, yet are stingier than any other,” she scoffed. “And they aren’t good audience members, since they’ll just try to interrupt her act with their own magic. Trixie would rather not deal with the headache.”

“Well, just… stay safe, okay?” he said.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Trixie has before now; she can take care of herself. She’s more concerned about you getting hopelessly lost again before you… come to think of it, why are you going to Canterlot?”

“I’m after a dangerous mage by the name of Kefka. He’s crazy, powerful, dangerous, and I have no idea where he is. He dresses up like a clown and burning towns to the ground, and that's all I have to go on,” he said; coming up with a lie that would mesh with a world he knew nothing about would be too much of a gamble. “I’m hoping to get in touch with the king and hope he can help.”

“Linkara… we don’t have a king,” she said firmly, muscles tensing.

His brain seized up and his heart skipped a beat. “B-but… this is a kingdom, isn’t it?”

“We call it a kingdom, but we don’t have a king. We’ve never had a king,” she said, her voice low and wary. “Literally everypony knows that, even foreigners. Equestria is a hard country to ignore.”

Linkara gulped nervously. “Okay, you see, I-”

Trixie’s horn glowed and her harness came undone. Before it even fell to the ground, she circled around in front of him with a hard glare and in a battle stance. “Trixie is a showmare, but she knows how to handle herself in a fight and she’s starting to doubt you’re as good a wizard as you claim, and it's become quite clear you're not being honest, or you're barking mad. Chasing a mad magic clown? Really? And committing an act of terrorism that was never in the papers? What kind of fool do you take her for? You tell her exactly where you’re from and what you’re up to or she’s dragging you back into town and getting the sheriff. After your little episode in front of the bartender, it'd be easy to corroborate the theory you're insane and dangerous, if only to yourself. You have one last chance to prove you aren't.”

Linkara took a step back, sizing her up. She had more muscle than it looked like, and he didn’t know how he could use his magic gun, or his morpher, or his anything thanks to lack of hands. Bringing knowledge of aliens to an untouched species was against his rules, but he couldn’t afford to lose any more time, and the odds of fighting it out… not in his favor.

“Well, poop…”

Head felt like it was broken open like an egg and glued back together. Everything else, throbbing. Stomach felt like a geyser bubbling and about to blow. Consciousness, not all it was cracked up to be. Staying in a coma would have been nice.

Lyra did not get such a luxury. She slowly woke up with a groan, restraints still digging into her skin. Brain still fogged, she tugged with her foreleg and shifted her… hands.

Wait.

Her eyes snapped open, her mind clawing through the fog. The bonds on her neck and muzzle kept her from looking around or even saying anything, but she could definitely feel them – fingers! Hands! She would have squealed for joy if she wasn’t still tied down.

“Oh, you’re awake,” she heard Insano say somewhere behind her. “Took you long enough; I was starting to think you fell into the two percent margin of failure. Hold your fucking horses, I’ll undo your arms.”

Arms! Oh, it felt so good to hear that word. The straps came undone, and Lyra brought what used to be her forelegs up to her face. Indeed, a pair of hands covered in mint-green fur was before her, thin, articulated, and completely real. She flexed them slowly. The feeling was alien, like she was remotely controlling them instead of the natural feel of moving part of her body, but damn it, they were hers!

“Okay, I’m going to untie your head and muzzle now,” Insano cut in. “I didn’t do anything to your face, since any deformities there would get me in huge trouble, but there may have been some nerve damage. I’m going to need you to speak to me, quite clearly, so I know you can still talk.”

The bonds came undone.

Lyra let out a joyful sound somewhere between a shriek and a squee.

“Jesus fuck!” Insano shouted along with a thud of him falling backwards. “I think you burst my goddamn eardrums!”

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, they’re perfect!” she gushed, flexing her fingers over and over again and wiggling on the table. “I actually have hands! Honest to Celestia hands!”

“Yes, yes, I’m very happy for you,” he grumbled angrily. “After you’re done babbling, can we test out your legs? I need to make sure you can still walk.”

“Legs? Oh, right, legs!” she said happily, looking over her shoulder. With a huge smile, she moved her fluffy tail out of the way to see… hooves. “Wait, where are my new feet?”

“What new feet? Feet are incredibly complex and have more bones than the rest of the human body. There’s no way I’m going to introduce plasmids with human genes and make your feet in the same day,” he scoffed as he rose back up. “If a single bone was out of place, you’d be in crippling pain and it’d be difficult as hell to fix it. For now, this is the best you’re getting.”

“Not in any human skeleton model I’ve seen,” she said, looking at him with a tilted head. “I mean, yeah, they’re all entirely fictionalized, but I always saw them as pretty simple.”

“Those are fantasy artists playing at biology, anatomy, and chiropractics, which I happen to have a master’s degree in,” he spat. “Do you have a master’s degree in those fields?”

“Well, no, but-”

“But nothing, I’m the expert here, and I know how a human foot works,” he interrupted. “Untying your legs now; just need you to take a few steps.”

Lyra raised an eyebrow, but didn’t argue. Her legs freed, she turned onto her back and looked herself over. Her physique was much the same, save for the human additions, but her skeleton was everything she’d hoped for. With a huge grin, she hopped off the table.

And teetered forward, faceplanting into the floor.

“Owowowow!” she whined, rolling over and holding her nose.

“Oh for the love of- get up!” Magic gripped her and roughly pulled her upright. Holding her bleeding snout, she set her hooves gently down on the tile. “Goddammit, I try to keep this lab as sterile as possible.” With a scowl, he levitated a tissue towards her.

She awkwardly reached out and fumbled for it, pressing it against her nose. “My bad…”

“Yes, your bad,” he mumbled. “Please try your best to walk properly like an adult.”

“Hey, I’m not used to having just two legs!” she huffed. Looking down at her two hooves, she suddenly felt very… tall. And kind of dizzy from being so tall. She shook her head and looked straight ahead instead, moving her leg forward and setting it down shakily. “O-okay, there’s one…”

Insano tapped his own hoof, watching her intently.

She took her other leg and started moving it forward. She let out a small gasp when she teetered on her planted leg, but managed to right herself and set the other one down in front of her. The next step was much easier. Then the next. Then the next.

“I’m walking! Holy buck, I’m walking on two legs!” she laughed as she strutted around like a fashion model. Or tried to, at least, before she almost fell over again, but she caught herself on the side of a desk.

“Okay, that’s a good start; huge success, I’d say,” he cackled softly. “One last thing: how much do you remember from before the surgery?”

Lyra blinked blankly as she righted herself. “Not anything, really. I mean, I remember coming down here, and then… nothing. Why, is that bad?”

“No, no, that’s better than expected. There’s usually some short-term memory loss of the time before the anesthesia is applied,” he assured with a Discordian grin. “Nothing to fret over. You’ll get the cheque in the mail, though it’d be in your best interests if you came to visit me every day for the next few weeks. I need to run diagnostics to make sure your equine body isn’t rejecting your new simian genetics.”

“I think I can manage that,” she said with a smile, standing fully upright and confident. “Bonny brings in most of the bits anyway, so my schedule’s open.”

“Good, now if you’d kindly get going, I have more experiments to run. Your Princess wants an automated magic shield by the end of the week or my funding gets cut,” he said with a shooing motion. “Go out and get yourself some pants or something.”

“Um… why would I need pants?” she asked, brow furrowed.

“Because you aren’t wearing any?” he replied, looking just as confused.

“And…? Clothes are a waste of money for rich folks to burn their bits on,” she said with a small snort.

Insano facehoofed. “Just… please get out of here before this conversation gets any more uncomfortable. Try not to break any bones; I worked very hard to make them function optimally.”

Lyra gave him a perplexed look before shrugging and walking towards the door. Her stride was a bit shaky, and she had to keep herself from falling every few steps, but hot damn she was walking on two legs! “Thank you again, Doctor Insano! It’s everything I ever wanted!” she said over her shoulder with her first wave, stepping into the elevator. She tried to shift her fingers to push the button, but ending up just mashing it with her knuckles.

“No need to thank me,” he said nonchalantly as he turned to one of his machines. “I already have what I needed out of it…”

She could have sworn she heard him cackle under his breath, but the elevator door closed before she could ask what was so funny.