Author's Note
This was technically written as a part of the Sun Eater continuity. I have been writing a series of one-shots with each one focusing on a member of the mane six depicted in "The Sun Eater," a short novel of mine set in an alternate version of Equestria. Normally, those stories tend to be a bit "gritty," and to focus on adult themes. However, because of the nature of what is depicted in this particular story, there was absolutely nothing objectionable to be found. So, it got rated Everyone, and I decided to consider it "cross-continuity," since I could easily see this happening in the show. As such, there is no "alternate universe" tag. Take it on its own merit, and enjoy.
Thanks for Reading!
Mannulus
Cover art by bigponymac. Check the source link.
Be Like You
Be Like You
And in my mind, as I was floating
Far above the clouds
Some children laughed I'd fall for certain
For thinking that I'd last forever
– Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins, “Muzzle”
Scootaloo sat on a hilltop outside of Ponyville, her scooter and helmet beside her, as always. She spent many afternoons there, captivated by the twisting, rolling image of Rainbow Dash cutting apart the sky over the surrounding countryside. There was nothing unusual about this particular day, except that the sky was overcast, which meant that the blue pegasus would occasionally disappear into the cloud banks, only to reappear moments later from somewhere else in the vast, gray expanse.
It was after one such disappearance lasted a few seconds too long that Scootaloo became mildly concerned. She kept waiting to see if Rainbow Dash would reappear, but over a minute passed with no sign of her.
“Maybe she decided to take a break on a cloud,” Scootaloo thought. “Or maybe she's done, and I just didn't see her head home.”
Scootaloo waited a few minutes longer, just to make sure that Rainbow Dash really would not reappear. Then, satisfied that Rainbow Dash must have finished her practice for the day, Scootaloo donned her helmet, and hopped on her scooter.
She powered herself down the hill, but as she reached the road back to town, she noticed something peculiar: a small, quiet sound emanating from somewhere nearby. She stopped moving, and removed her helmet to listen more carefully.
It sounded like somepony crying.
Scootaloo put her helmet back on her head without fastening the chin strap, and slowly powered herself towards the sound, forgoing her wings to push herself along with a hoof, so that she could hear more clearly to track it.
After a minute, she came to a small patch of gray clouds that seemed to be the source of the sound. Sure enough, she could see the tip of Rainbow Dash's tail hanging slightly over the edge of the puffy, pale gray platform.
She listened carefully, unsure of what to say or do. The idea that Rainbow Dash might even be capable of what she was witnessing had never occurred to her, and she was so disconcerted that she was unsure whether to even make the older pegasus aware of her presence.
It was a strange sort of sound to the little, orange pony. It wasn't the sad sort of woeful anguish she generally associated with tears. The sounds she heard were the sounds of frustration and anger. Occasionally, she would hear Rainbow Dash growl in anger, often accompanied by the soft whump of her slamming a hoof into the cloud's surface.
Finally, after several minutes, she decided she had better say something, just to make sure Rainbow Dash wasn't injured in some way. She licked her lips, and took a shallow breath.
“Rainbow Dash?” she said, just above a whisper.
The tip of the rainbow tail that had hung over the edge of the cloud slowly withdrew from Scootaloo's sight. Suddenly, the filly was sure she had erred in calling attention to herself. She silently turned her scooter to leave.
“Wait,” she heard. Surprisingly, there was no anger in Rainbow Dash's voice.
Scootaloo stopped, and once again removed her helmet. She hung it on her scooter, then looked up. There, still on the cloud, she saw Rainbow Dash, now sitting upright, looking down at her. Her eyes were reddened and puffy, but she seemed to be doing her best to smile.
“I'm fine, Squirt,” she said. “Is that what you wanted to know?”
“Uh, yeah,” said Scootaloo. “I'm sorry. I was down here for a little while.”
“I know,” said Rainbow Dash. “You don't have to worry about me, okay?”
“Okay,” said Scootaloo, slightly embarrassed that her presence had been noticed. “I guess I'll just go home, now,” she said, and she reached to take her helmet into her hooves. Before she could even put the helmet on, however, she stopped, and looked up at Rainbow Dash, chewing at her lower lip for a second.
Rainbow Dash had hung her head, and was not looking at Scootaloo. All the same, she must have noticed that the little pegasus was still watching her, because she laughed to herself quietly, -- and only once -- then spoke.
“You can ask,” she said.
Scootaloo blushed so deeply that it was apparent even through her fur. She poked at the inside of her jaw with her tongue, and looked around sheepishly. She knew what it was that Rainbow Dash meant when she said that she could ask, but she wasn't sure of how to ask it.
“Are you...” she began, but her words trailed off into silence.
“Why are you...” It happened again.
“What is it?” she finally asked.
Rainbow Dash quietly laughed again, but longer, this time.
“Squirt, I'm not what you want to believe I am,” said Rainbow Dash. “Do you know that?”
“But you're Rainbow Dash,” said Scootaloo, mildly confused.
“I know,” said Rainbow Dash, still without looking at Scootaloo. “And I hate it; I hate being Rainbow Dash.”
Scootaloo was stunned. She had no idea of what to say. A hundred thoughts raced through her little, orange and purple head, but what finally came out of her mouth was only a redundant echo in her own ears.
“But you're... you're Rainbow Dash – the Rainbow Dash.”
“I know, Scoots,” she replied, lifting her head to peer through a parting in the clouds. “That's what they're gonna call me, one day: The Rainbow Dash – like I'm some kinda hero, or something.”
“Doesn't that make you happy?” asked Scootaloo.
“Well, yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, turning her eyes towards Scootaloo, and smiling slightly, “and no.”
“Why not?” asked Scootaloo. “I'd give anything to be like you. Most of my friends at school wish they could be like you. You're awesome! You can do the sonic rainboom, and everything! You're gonna get into the Wonderbolts. You're gonna be, like, the most famous pegasus pony, ever!”
Rainbow Dash flopped back onto her back, and lay there for a few seconds before she spoke again.
“You think I don't know those things?” She rolled over the edge of the cloud, and spread her wings to slow her fall. Her landing was still heavy, but she bent her knees slightly to absorb the impact. She straightened her legs, then walked over to stand in front of Scootaloo, smiling at her with a mischievous look in her eye.
“Come here, Squirt!” Rainbow Dash wrapped a foreleg under Scootaloo's belly, and chopped at the air with her wings. Scootaloo squirmed for a moment before realizing that she was already some distance off the ground. She calmed down, and waited patiently until Rainbow Dash had deposited her on top of the cloud which she had earlier occupied.
It was a strange sensation to stand on a cloud. Its surface was soft, like an exquisitely-made mattress, but it gave against Scootaloo's hooves like the sand of a beach. It felt as if she would slip through it at any moment, but somehow, she did not.
“Never been on one of these, have you?” asked Rainbow Dash, noticing Scootaloo's confusion, wonder, and mild trepidation.
“No,” said Scootaloo, somewhat shakily.
“Guess that comes with growing up in Ponyville,” said Rainbow Dash. “I never knew what it felt like to stand on solid ground until I was older than you are right now.”
Scootaloo peered over the edge of the cloud, then shrank back away from it until she felt her rump press into Rainbow Dash's side.
“Chill out,” said the blue pegasus. “I'm not gonna let you fall.”
These words seemed to calm Scootaloo, and she sat back on her haunches, then turned her head to look at Rainbow Dash, just in time to see her reaching out with a hoof to fiercely scrub at the top of her head.
“OWW!” she yelped, pulling away.
Rainbow Dash laughed, then, sat down next to her.
“Scootaloo,” she began, “The thing about knowing that you're awesome is that you feel like you owe something. Sometimes, it seems like you owe it to somepony else, and sometimes, it's even everypony else." She sighed. "It's always you, though. You always feel like you owe it to yourself to see what you can really do, and when you don't measure up to what you feel like you should... Well, it messes with your head.”
Scootaloo's eyes swelled with incredulity. “And you don't feel like you measure up?”
“Not always,” said Rainbow Dash.
Scootaloo did not respond. She merely sat, silent and wide-eyed, her head tilting slightly to the left.
“Sure, I tell everypony I'm the best. Most of the time, I even believe it, but there are times when I just can't quite pull something off; when I can't make something happen up there, you know?”
She looked up into the sky as she continued. “Those times bug me. They get in my head, and all those things that you said, like about me being famous and being a Wonderbolt, and doing the sonic rainboom? I think those exact same things, and it just makes me even madder at myself.”
“I don't get it,” said Scootaloo. “How can those things make you mad at yourself?”
Rainbow Dash bent her head down and looked directly into Scootaloo's eyes. “Because I worry I'm not earning them,” she said. “You know how lazy I am? Sure, I practice a lot, but I sleep more. Sometimes, I think I could do so much better if I just practiced harder. I wonder if I'm putting my heart into it the way I ought to.”
She kicked a puffy bit of cloud away, and looked out at the horizon. “I'm already pretty much in the history books for the sonic rainboom – not to mention those three or four times I sorta helped save Equestria.” She snickered. “Element of Loyalty. Never guessed I'd pick that one up along the way.'
“And just because of those things,” she said “the Wonderbolts will probably let me in, just because it'll put ponies in the seats to see 'The Rainbow Dash'.” She waggled her head and deepened her voice sarcastically as she said her own name.
“So?” asked Scootaloo. “You're gonna get your dream! What's wrong with that?”
“I don't know if I'm as good as them,” said Rainbow Dash. “Sometimes, I think I just get lucky. Like sometimes, I pull off a trick, and it's perfect – every little detail exactly the way I imagined it. And I just wonder if some little gust of wind or something didn't give me that extra little push to make that roll or whatever happen. I wonder if I could do it again if I tried.'
“So, what do I do?” Rainbow Dash sighed. “I don't try it again." She snorted, and blew a little air through her lips. "I don't try it again, Scoots, because I'm afraid that if I do, I won't pull it off, and I'll find out I really did just get lucky. Then, I stew over it for a week until I can't stand it, anymore. Eventually, I try to force that same trick, and I screw it up because my head's not in the right place.'
“Then, I'll think, “Oh, yeah, Dashie. Who'd you kill that time? Soarin? Spitfire? Fleetfoot? Or maybe, if you're lucky, it was just Rainbow Dash.”
“Scootaloo,” said Rainbow Dash, lowering both her head and her voice, “I am terrified that one day, when push comes to shove, I'm not going to be up to it, and everypony – maybe thousands of them at once – is going to see that I wasn't what everypony made me out to be; that I'm not what I make myself out to be. And the worst part is that one of the ponies who's gonna see that happen is me.”
She looked away from the little pegasus, and breathed slowly for several seconds before she spoke again.
“That's why I'm out here most every day, busting my hump: I'm terrified of not living up to this... legend... that everypony has turned me into, and no matter how much I practice, no matter how hard I work, no matter how many tricks I pull off, I never - not ever, ever, ever -- feel like I did enough that day."
Rainbow Dash drew a deep breath, and released it as a long sigh. Scootaloo had no words for what she had just heard, so she elected not even to search for any. She merely continued to sit in silence.
“It's not that I always hate being me," continued the older pegasus," but sometimes I just wish I could be like everypony else for just a little while. Do you understand now, Scootaloo?"
Scootaloo looked at Rainbow Dash, then looked down. She was pretty sure she understood, but still, something tugged at the back of her mind and the corners of her heart.
“I think so,” she said, finally, “but I just... I don't know. I still...” She dragged her hoof through the cloud's surface, drawing meaningless patterns that quickly faded away into nothing. Finally, after some time, the little pegasus found the words she wanted to say.
“Is it okay if I still want to be like you?”
She looked up.
“Please?”
finem
