Author's note: Thanks to PrettyPartyPony for proofreading!
************************************************************************
“Gimme that!” Spike shouted, trying to put his claws on a cookie jar held by Twilight in her magical aura.
“No!” she said firmly, moving the jar away from her assistant. “I’m not going to listen to your groans of agony for another night! You ate too much already! You’re gonna have a stomach ache anyway!”
“So, what’s the problem then!?” he asked, leaping at the jar, missing it and hitting a writing desk. “Ouch!”
“I said ‘no’!” Twilight looked at the jar, while Spike was rubbing his hurt forehead. She smiled and began casting a spell.
“What are you—” Spike looked confusedly at the unicorn who was struggling to cast a spell. Soon, the jar turned upside down and moved steadily towards the ceiling.
Spike gazed at the jar. It was apparently stuck to the wooden ceiling.
“Oh, come on! It’s not fair!” he said, folding his arms on his chest.
“It is absolutely fair, Spike.” She walked up to him and patted the dragon on the head. “If I didn’t care about you, I would surely let you eat the cookies. Now, I’m gonna finish reading my book. I think you should go prepare yourself for sleep.”
Spike groaned. “Fine!” He walked away, mumbling, “Stupid gravity-reversing spell.”
Twilight giggled and then returned to her book.
****
Somepony knocked on the door of Sugarcube Corner. It was early in the morning, so the confectionery was not open yet. Pinkie, however, was preparing some cakes. As soon as she heard the knocking, she happily bounced up to the door to open it. She saw a tan-coated earth pony with a dark brown mane. He was wearing a battered grey suit. A cart full of unneeded things was just behind him.
Pinkie saw him and her happy mood was gone.
“No, no, no, no, no, no! Not you again!” she blurted out, covering her eyes with her hooves.
“Good morning, lady!” the pony began. “It’s your lucky day!”
“I don’t think so,” Pinkie murmured.
“Could you spare me a few minutes so I could present you the latest NeighWay products that will change your life?” he asked, grinning creepily.
“No?” she asked. Pinkie knew that a direct answer would not work anyway.
“Great! Let me show you this wonderful banana-peeler!” he said and took the device out from the garbage pile on the cart.
“Mmm... I love bananas!” Pinkie said excitedly but then, as she realized that she was getting sucked into an inevitable purchase, she shook her head and shouted, “No! I don’t want this.”
The travelling salespony gave her a confused look.
Pinkie walked up to him and turned him around, putting one foreleg on his arm.
“Look at them,” she began, pointing at several ponies wandering in the street. “All these ponies are my friends. Every one of them. Every. One. Of. Them. You get it?”
“Um—”
Pinkie waved at Lyra who waved back at Pinkie.
“See? Friends.”
“Yes but—” he tried to say something, but Pinkie did not pay attention to his words. Besides, he felt uncomfortable with her foreleg on his arm. It was like breaching his personal space.
“So, every pony in Ponyville is my friend. No exceptions. Even Cranky is my friend, even though he is not a pony. Actually, only Harry the Bear is not my friend but it’s only because he is never home when I go to his cave. He must be a really busy bear!” Pinkie was shooting the words out her mouth.
The salespony knew there was no way to stop her, so he listened to her, hoping she would buy the banana-peeler after all.
“So, everypony is my friend. And now about you,” she said, turning towards him. “You are—” She gulped loudly, her eye twitching. “You are n-neutral to me! You get it? Everypony is my friend and I’m neutral towards you. Get it? Get it!?”
“I guess—” he mumbled.
“You know, it’s because you come here and try to sell this junk to me. And I’m always buying it! And it NEVER WORKS AS YOU SAY IT SHOULD!” Pinkie said, her voice changing from calm at the beginning to regular shouting in the end.
“Well, these are NeighWay products. They have been tested and got NeighWay certificates—” he tried to excuse his employer.
Pinkie entered the Sugarcube Corner. After a while she got out, carrying a bag full of different appliances. She threw the bag on the ground with a loud thump and began taking the products out of it and showing them to the salesman.
“Best-Knives-Ever! They wouldn’t cut a biscuit! Instant cookies! Several our clients ended up in the hospital after eating them! Enchanted pot! Exploded while Ms. Cake tried to cook something in it. And her mane burnt!” she was speaking louder with every product taken out of the bag.
“I guess, no—”
“Now, be a nice pony and go somewhere else!” she said, clearly angry at him. The salespony put his things on the cart and began to walk away, pulling his cart, when Pinkie exclaimed happily, “If you come here without this garbage, we can become friends, you know!”
He sighed.
****
“Spike, could you open the door? Thank you!” Twilight said, not moving an eye off her book.
“And could you unglue the cookie jar from the ceiling?” he mumbled as he walked up to the door.
He opened it and saw a tan-coated pony in a battered jacket who was grinning far too widely. “It’s your lucky day!” he said, making Spike flinch.
“Gah!” he groaned.
“Who’s that!?” Twilight shouted.
“It’s him again!”
Twilight looked at the door, sighed and teleported down into the room.
“Oh no, you again?” she asked resignedly, lowering her head. “Can’t you just leave this town? Or at least quit this job?”
“Um, I can’t. I have a cutie mark in door-to-door sales,” he said, moving to the right to show his flank.
“That sucks, dude,” Spike commented.
“Spike! Watch your language!” Twilight shouted at the dragon. She simply couldn’t make him get rid of swears and inappropriate words. Obviously, it was because he didn’t read books.
“Um, sorry.” He grinned uneasily and ran to the kitchen, feeling embarrassed.
Twilight looked at the salespony who was now presenting her a bottle of wood preservative.
“Hm, this might actually be useful here,” she said quietly, staring at the bottle. Suddenly, her eyes shrunk to the size of pinheads as she recollected that she had bought such a product from the very same salesman a year before. To make a long story short, the tree she was living in at that moment was not the same tree as it had been a year before. “No! Go away!”
“But just let me show you how it works—” he said, opening the bottle.
“NO!” Twilight shouted and jumped towards him, trying to pull the bottle out of his hooves. After a few seconds of struggle, the bottle was accidentally thrown into the library and, because it was opened, the liquid spilled out, covering a big part of the floor in the library.
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake! Do you see what you have done!?” Twilight gave him a murderous look. “Now Spike will have to clean this mess!”
“Me?” Spike groaned. He was heard, even though he was still hiding in the kitchen.
“Um—” the salespony tried to say something but no sensible answer came to his mind.
“Just, just, get lost!” Twilight shouted angrily, casting a spell on the salesman.
“What are you—” The unicorn’s reaction caught him off guard. After a moment, he was flying towards the sky. Or, falling towards the sky, to be exact.
The angred Twilight cast a gravity-reversing spell on the poor, clueless salespony.
The unicorn entered the library, slamming the door. “And don’t come back!” she shouted through the door, apparently thinking that he was still standing on the ground. She sighed loudly. “Spike, clean this,” she commanded her assistant and then returned to her reading.
“How it come I never make a mess but I always need to clean it?” he said, carrying a bucket full of water.
*****
The salespony had a chance to avoid further flying if only he could have grabbed onto a branch of the tree. He missed the desperate grab, hit several branches one by one and then flew into the open air. He was helpless like a falling bag of bricks. Now, as the air was whistling past his body, he wished he had been a pegasus. Then he would just fly back to the ground or land on a fluffy cloud for that matter. But he was an earth pony. Fortunately, collisions with clouds resulted in holes appearing in them and no harm done to him. However, he felt he was falling (flying?) faster and faster. As Ponyville was getting smaller and smaller he realized there was no help for him. He began thinking how he got into such a situation. He knew he should think about it because it was what ponies in books usually did.
****
He entered an office, where he saw a black-coated unicorn who welcomed him heartily. The pony began explaining to him what the firm expected from him. Nothing out of order. Simply luring clients into buying overly expensive stuff they didn’t really need. All manipulative techniques allowed. Big commissions, 28-day holidays, health and dental insurance included. Could he get any better in his first job?
He was given a suit, which at the time was new and black but later was going to turn into an old, battered, and grey. He also had to actually buy the products he was going to sell later but, as the black pony explained, it was their policy to avoid stealing by their own salesponies. It seemed reasonable.
The salespony started his job with a debt but with hope and will to provide products that could change lives.
But why did he actually choose the job? Well, even though he was already an adult pony, he still was a blank flank. This, of course, was not something he should brag about. He usually wore pants to avoid laughs from other ponies.
Having no cutie mark actually excluded him from the society. Everypony is expected to have a cutie mark before they hit puberty. He was an adult blank flank. Nopony wanted to give him a job. Why, do you ask? Employers didn’t want to risk their businesses – an adult blank flank working for them would frighten away clients. They had no actual reason to say this but they believed in it anyway. NeighWay was the first firm which had no problems with him being a blank flank. As he later discovered, NeighWay could hire anypony, including criminals and mentally handicapped ponies. An adult blank flank wasn’t extraordinary among their sellers.
The first weeks of his work were promising. He quickly sold all the things to ponies, making some friends and becoming known as ‘the cool salespony’. More importantly, he also earned his cutie mark, which meant he was destined for door-to-door sales.
But he forgot about the golden rule of travelling sales – leave the town as soon as you sell too much. He didn’t do this and the products turned out to be of poor quality. Obviously, everypony blamed him and he was forced to run away from Trottingham. That was how his great journey began. He began travelling from town to town, selling crap, earning enough to get by. Eventually though, he had no other way than returning to his old clients because his contract required him to remain in a certain area of Equestria. Now, instead of earning a lot of money, he was earning bruises from angry clients. He could, however, find some sucker from time to time.
He knew Ponyville well. The Apple family was among his best clients. Granny Smith would buy anything, from adorable pet figurines to a toothpaste that cost three times the normal toothpaste price and was made by the same manufacturer as the one available in Ponyville stores. Applejack was usually angry at him but Granny Smith always protected her favorite visitor.
Now, the memory of Granny Smith accompanied him as he was heading towards outer space and inevitable death.
****
“So, how did you get rid of him so easily?” Spike asked Twilight, wiping the floor.
She turned a page in her book. “Oh, I just—” Her pupils shrank as she realized what had happened a few minutes before. She instantly teleported out of the library.
“What the—” Spike began.
“I’m hearing you!” she shouted through the door.
Spike rolled his eyes and then returned to work.
****
Twilight was running around her house. “Ohmygosh, ohmygosh!” she repeated. “I couldn’t—”
Moments earlier, Rainbow Dash woke up from her nap and began observing Twilight, wondering what she was freaking about this time. When curiosity finally prevailed, she flew down from the cloud. “Hiya, Twilight. What’s up?”
“I might have done something terrible!” she shouted, trembling.
“Let me guess, you forgot to write ‘Dear Princess Celestia’ at the beginning of a letter?” Rainbow asked, giggling.
“No! It’s something truly horrible. I–I could—“ she struggled to say something but the panic overwhelmed her. She closed her eyes and stood still save for slight shivering.
“Twilight? What’s going on?” Rainbow understood it was not something funny.
“I cast a spell on somepony—“ she whispered. “It was this annoying salespony.”
“Well, I hope you made him disappear.” Rainbow laughed.
“Kinda—“ Twilight gave her an uneasy grin.
Rainbow’s features expressed confusion. “Can you do that?”
“Well, not exactly. I cast a gravity-reversing spell on him,” Twilight explained, lowering her head.
“So what? Lately, you do this all the time. You could just teleport but no! You need to cast the gravity-reversing spell!” Rainbow said, rolling her eyes.
“But there is no ceiling—“ Twilight looked at the pegasus, who returned an uneasy look. Rainbow understood.
“Oh boy...”
Both mares looked at each other for a few seconds of complete silence. Finally, Rainbow said, “Where did it happen? I’m gonna catch him!”
“At the door. I don’t see him now!” Twilight answered, looking at the sky.
“Got it!” Rainbow said and she was flying up before Twilight could say anything.
Rainbow was doing her best to catch up with a pony who might have been flying ahead of her. Or not. She wasn’t sure.
Finally, she managed to pull off the Sonic Rainboom. She knew that if she couldn’t save him, nopony could.
Meantime, the salespony was hoping to faint. He had already lost feeling in his limbs, probably due to frostbite. He could hardly breath. The sun was blinding him and he had no idea how far from the ground he was. The only thing he was sure about was that he was flying with incredible speed. He thought that dying was actually peaceful but extremely boring.
Rainbow was doing her best to catch up with the salespony but he was too far away. She couldn’t even see him because the sun was blinding her as well. Moreover, it was freezing cold up there. It was probably the highest altitude she had ever reached. She knew she was slowing down. The Sonic Rainboom couldn’t last forever. She was losing hope.
She had to a difficult choice to do – continue her potentially suicidal mission to save somepony who might as well be already dead or return? She was aware that she was slowing down and he was falling faster and faster. Rainbow, however, struggled to fly higher in the thin air.
She was quite a super-mare but not a goddess. Low temperature, fatigue, and blinding sun finally forced her to stop to hover. She sighed and began to soar down.
****
Twilight observed the sky, pacing nervously in circles. Minutes passed and Rainbow was not going back. Upon seeing a pegasus flying down, she was excited at first but the feeling quickly turned to disappointment. She was flying alone.
Rainbow landed next to Twilight, instantly falling on the ground. She was exhausted and apparently chilled to the bone. She wanted to say something but Twilight hushed her. “It’s not your fault—it’s mine.”
A long while of silence passed.
“You know,” Rainbow spoke silently. “He will be the first pony in outer space.”
Twilight smiled uneasily. “Yeah.”
“But we can’t tell anypony or you will be in trouble,” she whispered.
Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“Let’s just hope he had no relatives,” Twilight said, looking at the sky. She began to tremble.
“Twilight?”
“I need to think about it. I’ll be in my basement,” she said, entering the library. “I will order Spike to bring you food, blankets, and other stuff.”
“Thanks—” Rainbow said quietly and dozed off on the grass.
****
The salespony continead his flying to the edge of the space but, fortunately, he was unaware of that fact. The vacuum had boiled his body fluids. His death, however, had been peaceful. He couldn't have felt any pain because he had been unconscious at the time.
Technically, he was going to become the first pony in outer space or, to be exact, the first corpse floating there.
During his life, he thought that his destiny was canvassing for sales. He might have been wrong. His cutie mark actually showed a salespony at the door of a treehouse suspiciously similar to Twilight’s.
If only he had ever realized this...
THE END
