It is I, the Medi-Spy: Equestria

by Medi-Spy

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 3252

The Medic has a new invention that he needs the Engineer's help to create, but havoc ensues.

The Medic had a brilliant idea one night, he thought to himself "What if I could attach a teleporter inside of my Medi-gun so i can heal the team and get them to the front line, just like a real teleporter?"
Unfortunately, he has run out of willing participants for his wacky experiments, so must now test upon himself.
We will join him the night before the tests, when he requested for an Engineer.
(Quick note; These are written for my amusement alone, it is not to troll or harm anyone in any way, shape or form. I apologize if I do.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-02 21:20:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Medi-Spy prologue

It is I, the Medi-Spy: Equestria

------------------Medi Bio (Reading this is optional, but helps to piece together the medic's past) --------------------------------------

Medic's name; Theodore Alzenheimer.

Age; 21.

D.O.B; January 1st 1992

Back-story; Never to see his real parents, Mr. Alzenheimer was raised by his French uncle until the age of 10, he was then moved to the United kingdom, specifically England, to further his education. As a young boy, he had an I.Q. of 310, a young genius to his own degree, he majored in Biological and Chemical sciences. Then to later join the ranks of the famed team of Reliable Excavation Demolition, receiving commands from Redmond Mann himself.

During his career as a Spy, he was often teased for his new weapons, the members of his team regarding him as a 'noob' for his insolence. Until one day, during a random map cycle, a female medic helped him by deploying a Uber-kiss upon him, which not only instantaneously made him popular, due to her polite, happy and helpful nature. But, it also gave him the brief ability to feel like nothing could possibly harm him. For a short time, he dated the Red medic, getting to know her as "Carolina", to whom he later proposed marriage. Stunned, but nevertheless excited, the medic agreed, smiling as she did

Upon one day, he and Carolina were moved onto Blu for team balance, to which he took it upon himself to disguise as a Medic by the name of 'Dr.Sauce'. They were put on a No re-spawn field and told to eliminate the other team. Unfortunately for the Spy, he thought he had killed all the opposing team, embracing the female medic with joy. That is, until the last remaining Red Spy crept up behind her and stuck a knife in her spine, laughing at the other Spy as his face filled with sorrow. His only reaction was to shoot the red spy in the face before he could use his dead ringer again, thus ending the match.

At his home, he wore the mask, placing Gentleman's Ushanka upon his head and painting it golden, smiling slightly at his appearance in the mirror as he saw himself as the Red medic. However, he stumbled upon a loose piece of carpet, slammed his head against a wardrobe, having Hippocrates bust slam down upon his head only a few seconds later. When he woke, his mind was blank, he looked in the mirror and the first thing he saw was the Red Medic staring back at him.

After a while, Theodore was forced onto a friendly battleground, filled with the more musical, fun-loving mercenaries. He was told that it was merely a 'Break in battle' and that he was to enjoy himself. Much to his begrudging, the other mercenaries soon dragged him out of his own routines, physically making him involve himself in the activities. However, he had yet to receive the biggest shock of all. Another mercenary joined Blu team, he was given the list of names and saw the new name "Lonely Fem-Pyro" upon the list.

His heart manipulated by his new form wanted to solve the pyro's loneliness, and so took it upon himself to comfort her. He soon became her new boyfriend, and she became "Fem-Pyro in love." They have now had a relationship for a month, and have been going strong ever-since.

A mad cackle came from a mountain top laboratory, thunder struck upon the building, the sense of a formidable madness seemed to linger upon the flat, oppressive walls. Thunder struck, then the wrought iron doors to the almost castle-like structure flung open, a man in a long white trench coat stepped out onto the hill, brandishing a tube.

A mad cackle came from a mountain top laboratory, thunder struck upon the building, the sense of a formidable madness seemed to linger upon the flat, oppressive walls.

Thunder struck, then the wrought iron doors to the almost castle-like structure flung open, a man in a long white trench coat stepped out onto the hill, brandishing a tube.

Again, the mad cackle emanated from him, he was pleased with himself, smiling quite widely. He began running down the winding pathway to the small town below, which was constantly cast in the building's shadow, it made him sigh slightly. "Perhaps I should move my lab." he muttered in a smooth British accent, cursing himself slightly, he hated not being able to help people. He then murmured to himself in fluent German, slightly cursing his fitness as he proceeded down the hill, he was not the most fit on his team, nor the biggest lifter. However, ever since he can remember, the medic had always dreamed to help people and be a hero. Unfortunately, that dream was crushed later in life when he found that nothing seemed particularly special about him.

However, this medic also happened to be a spy, one who not only managed to disguise himself, but alter his personality entirely based around the medic. This medic was sweet, kind, generous, loving, understanding and a crazed genius, the spy was sour, bitter, sarcastic, witty, sly and possessed a unique ability to convince others to do his bidding. Nevertheless, the Medic finally reached the village, he looked at the two halves, two bars sat opposite each other, one labeled "Red Watering hole" the other labeled  "Blu Brewery". He allowed himself a small sigh of relief as he approached the red half of town. Pushing his way through the western style slatted doors into the darkened bar, all eyes became focused upon him, it was rare that he ventured down from his abode, but when he did it was normally for supplies or test subjects.

He walked towards the counter where drinks were being served, an engineer in a Texas ten gallon hat looked at him with a welcoming grin. However, the medic took a seat in front of the counter and placed down a large wad of cash, saying calmly "All drinks on me." This caught the engineer off by surprise as the medic wasn't normally quite this generous without having some kind of catch attached to the end. Warily, the engineer began serving drinks to whomever asked, not wanting to question the medic as of now.

---------- 2 hours later; At the end of the engineers work shift-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Medic stood outside the bar patiently, looking at his wristwatch, he had told the engineer that he needed to speak to him about a project. However, he seemed reluctant to talk to the medic, and would have much rather gone home than speak to the medic. Nevertheless, the medic deemed it 'A work of pure genius' and said that 'only the engineer had a fantastic knowledge of his machines'.

Finally, he appeared out of the bar doors, silently approaching the medic. He then leaned upon the wall next to the medic, and looked at him with a slightly apprehensive feature upon his face. Silence for a few seconds, the medic lightly licked his lips, moistening them as he readied for speech, the engineer shuffled his feet nervously. Then, the medic spoke to the engineer, "Do you think you could build something for me?" he questioned the engineer gently, wanting to seem friendly. A reply came in the form of a low grumble "Doc, you know I don't build them machines no more, it just ain't right, this fight could go on forever if I do anything."

Again, silence, the tension was great, so great in fact that it could probably have been physically cut. However, the medic broke the tension "So, you don't want me to save lives, just like I saved yours, as well as giving you that robotic hand?" he motioned casually to the engineer's gunslinger. A soft reply came from the engineer "Fine, but only because I owe you my life, heck, most people here owe you their lives, you're a great medic." A slight blush came from the medic, he replied "I have a girlfriend you know, that lovely Blu Pyro, she's a sweet one, two years younger than me."

Finally the engineer begrudgingly said "So, you got blueprints for me? I can't really work with nothing." the medic handed him the tube of blue paper, the engineer smelled it and smiled. Looking concerned, the medic asked "Are you OK?" to which the reply was "Yeah, just fine, but boy have I missed the smell of fresh blueprints." Medic chuckled slightly, then said "Well, if you need to, you can use my lab as a temporary home for yourself whilst you are inventing the device." Engineer responded with a smile and said "You know what, this doesn't sound too bad doc, I really thought you were going to give me a challenge." he continued to grin as they proceeded towards the medic's home.

--------- Half an hour later; after climbing the hill and entering the medic's humble abode----------------------------------------------------

"Well, looks like I'll fit right in here" said the engineer, looking around the medic's well equipped laboratory. Machines and cogs all working and functioning, levers and switches all waiting to be used, scrap, reclaimed and refined metals piled up, ammo boxes and medicine kits all waiting to be used. Medic chuckled lightly and said "Enjoy your stay, my hard hatted friend."

--------- The next day; testing --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Here you go, doc." the engineer said, handing the medic his latest invention. He said "It's still going to need some testing, you'll probably have to test it on yourself just to see if it is indeed one hundred percent safe." Medic replied "Danka, this is excellent, I can't thank you enough for this, is there any way I can repay you for your troubles?" the engineer humbly replied "Ah, it's nothin' just keep safe, that thing gives out a weird purple beam for some reason."

Before the medic could ask why, the engineer left, puzzled slightly as to the phenomenon he was holding in his hands. He then said to himself "Why would it give out a purple beam, surely he used the Red parts and not the Blu." He wasn't entirely convinced as he stared at the Heal-A-Port gun, allowing himself a cautiously raised eyebrow. He then said "Well, if it does it's job, then it will teleport me SOMEWHERE. I will need to be ready for anything, food, water, Medi-kits, change of clothes, tent, sleeping bag."

as he said each item, he threw it into a large backpack. "Bone-saw, Amputator, Uber-saw, Vita-Saw, Overdose, Crusaders cross-bow, Solemn vow, notebook and camera."  he muttered somewhat impatiently. "Oh, and don't forget all my other Medi-guns, Quick-fix, Kritzkreig, Ubercharge." he put each one gently into the backpack, he was packing for one hell of a journey. Feeling ready for anything, the medic held the Heal-A-Port toward his face, flicking a switch to turn it on, the teleporter whirring to life inside. "Oh I almost forgot the Spy's disguise kit!" he mentioned, tucking the kit, and a bunch of other items into a large secret compartment inside his bag.

He said "Well, here goes nothing!" he began healing himself, he felt the ground being yanked away from underneath his feet, it was like flying. Adrenaline pumped through the medic as he flew further, not knowing where he would stop, but it felt like he was slowing down. He smiled, presuming where he would stop would surely not be unusual, but before he knew where he landed, an object struck him on the head. He landed, unconscious, not knowing where he was or the time of day.

(End of chapter 1; Prologue)

(Excuse the prologue, it's just to give a little bit of a reference, a back story, the only part not to contain ponies.)

Chapter 2: A few kinks to work out

Warmth, the first sensation to pass through his body, he could taste blood in his mouth, a tight bond around his head. He flinched slightly as his brain became aware of his fractured skull, which was slowly regenerating. He sighed slowly as consciousness had returned to him, opening his eyes slowly to see that it was only dawn. His eyes set upon a window, which he saw the sun rising in the horizon. However, the sky seemed an odd pastel blue, not like it's usual light blue hue, he puzzled slightly looking at the unusual fluffy white clouds that passed by.

He then concentrated on his surroundings, it looked like he was in a large library, each book had a rather interesting title upon its spine. He pushed himself up with quite some considerable effort, then walked toward a bookshelf, lightly dazed by the strain on his body. Reaching out his hand, he grasped a small, thin book titled "Equestrian mammals, the basic knowledge." upon opening it, he saw that it was almost a child's book, sporting large pictures of ponies and minimal text underneath.

Despite his embarrassment, he read the text with a mutter, "These are Earth Ponies. They can be strong and they also tend to run fast. An earth pony is normally a hard worker, but they are also known to be loyal." He felt his cheeks reddening at the simplicity of the book, however, he continued to the next page. He then read whilst looking at the corresponding picture for reference "These are Unicorns. They can have magical talent, they are very clever, their magic is an extent of their mind. This ability to use magic means that they are capable of lifting large objects that an earth pony would find hard to move. However, a unicorns magic is limited purely by their knowledge and their imagination."

He actually enjoyed the book, the idea of unicorns seemed pretty simple, yet complex enough to make him ponder for a minute. Nevertheless, he flicked to the next page, eager to see what was written, he looked at the picture, then read "These are Pegasus Ponies. They posses the ability of flight, they also tend to be fairly agile and speedy due to intensive flight training, any Pegasus who is incapable of flight is not allowed out of training until they know how to fly."

He laughed slightly, then smiled and said "I must be reading a children's fantasy book, it's clear that I'm in some kind of library for children." he looked around, all the furniture did seem a bit smaller than he was used to, although it was still usable. He sat down, observing the strangely colored wooden floor. He raised an eyebrow and asked himself "So, where am I, some candy colored library filled with what looks like books for little girls?"

He saw the set of stairs, looking upon it curiously, he got up from the rather plushy seat, proceeding toward them ever so quietly, he creeped up to see what was around. He saw what looked like a cat's bed, a purple form with green spines along it was sleeping inside of it. He seemed curious, his eyes fell upon a bed-sheet, which he followed up to see a sleeping purple pony.

His brain froze for a second, processing this phenomenon, a sleeping pony, one who actually slept in a bed. He didn't quite know what to expect, but this pony must be rare, to have managed such conscious thought would be almost human. He began taking notes, his pen seemed unreliable at the best of times. He had so many questions revolving around his head, but the main one was "Why is this equine colored so unusually?"

He slowly, apprehensively reached out a hand. prodding the pony slightly upon its forehead, he felt a solid structure and identified it as a... "Horn?" he quietly asked himself, remembering the book, he quizzically muttered "Unicorn?" Suddenly, his mind began overloading with questions, he sat down with an audible 'Thump' on the wooden floor. Trying to come to terms with the recent and somewhat life derailing events, unfortunately his train of thought came to a complete screeching halt.

For the first time, ever since he could physically remember, this was the only time he had been genuinely confused by something. He was always logical throughout his life, but no stretches of logic could seem to define his current experiences. He seemed a little clueless, normally he would have an idea, "Normally, I'd not be with a  purple pony inside of a multicolored world which seems to have come from the Pyro's imagination."

His mind clicked, what he said triggered a million neurons to fire at once, his mind suddenly said "Imagination, I must be knocked out!" He pinched himself. Then it was confirmed, he definitely wasn't dreaming, he sighed slightly, somewhat wishing he was. Slightly restless, he went to look at the figure in the small bed, he crouched down and lightly began to inspect the green spines.

He muttered to himself "A dragon, a real living dragon, probably still in its childhood years, which is strange, I thought that dragons were fast growers, but this one looks to be the same size as a three year old child. How long ago was this little guy hatched then?" He sighed slightly as he found no clear answer, he looked at the pony again, he wanted to wake it, but at the same time he didn't "What if it was ferocious when I woke it, what would I do?" he asked.

Nevertheless, an answer never came, he proceeded downstairs, looking at a desk he saw his old needle-gun had been taken apart piece by piece. He rushed over to it and saw a note written on the design and the weight of it, an ink-pot and quill sat waiting for further use. He looked at it and muttered "At least it wasn't my overdose..." he looked underneath the desk and spotted his backpack, which he dragged out and muttered "Carry one thousand items... but never stays on you when you need it most. Lucky me they didn't hook me up to the mainframe, not having your load-out available is a kick in the balls."

He sighed, allowing himself a moment of thought. He began reading the assorted scrolls on the desk, all of which gave detailed descriptions to each weapon in his bag. He gaped as he saw how each weapon had been disassembled, each one detailed by small diagrams. He picked up the disassembled needle-gun, then put it back together, being an invention of his own design, he knew how to rebuild it should it ever fall under disrepair.

Unknown to him, he he had woken the small dragon, who watched him with interest. Not really noticing, the medic placed his backpack on, walking toward the door, he reached out a hand. Then, suddenly a voice from behind him bellowed "Wait! Don't go!" he spun around to see the little dragon run up to him.

His mind froze, of all the craziest things he could think of, a talking dragon was not one of them. He looked as the dragon said "I'm Spike, Twilight took you in three days ago, you were found knocked out cold in the Everfree forest, Celestia sent a note requiring for your immediate appearance when she heard about you!" All the medic could do was stand there and gape slightly, Spike said "Not much of a talker are you? Hmph, well, looks like some-pony is going to need waking, she'll be glad to know you're awake."

(End of chapter 2)