Friendship Is Subjective, Panini Is Absolute

by Iron McGalley

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 1027

As war rages throughout Equestria... Panini...

As war rages throughout Equestria... Panini...

*****

WARNING! SOME SERIOUS STEREOTYPING AND ABSOLUTE LACK OF SENSE IN THIS ONE! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Side effects may include but are not limited to:

herpes...

Published 2012-11-17 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-17 19:20:01 UTC

The end times have come!

Even Royalty Can Feed

The princess of the sun looked out her window at a fortified Canterlot. Barricades and gun towers littered the once peaceful streets, soldiers manned their positions, waiting.

"It used to be so peaceful..." She said, grief overcoming her features as the scarred image of the land hit her forcefully, making itself apparent.

The human regulars were running up and down the street, shouting orders and commands. The royal guard unicorns followed them in a three by three rank and file as their human officers aligned them for battle.

The pegasi flew overhead in battle formation, light machine guns held by their hooves. It would be the battle of the century, for the century had not seen a real war since its beginning.

Celestia sighed and walked inside her castle. The walls were once decorated and bright, but now they stood grim and decaying. The constant bombardments that the besieging forces launched were responsible for that.

As the sun goddess approached the center of the room, her generals moved to meet with her.

"Princezz Celeztia, the fourth army stands at the ready by the front gate. Fear not, as long as the vodka storage room stands behind our lines, we shall not falter!" Zakarov, the Russian ambassador and military strategist from the allies, saluted sharply.

Celestia nodded and moved forward. She had several other generals to talk to.

"Princess Celestia! France shall defend your streets and alleys with such fierceness and determination, it will take more than a couple of minutes before we surrender!" The french general bowed and greeted the ruler with respect.

Celestia nodded yet again and continued her trek to the throne room. Many more human generals and advisers saluted and greeted her. The princess acknowledged them all.

"Princess! Dont'cha worry none! America has hired plenty of others to defend your third world country while we sneak out the oil!"

Celestia rolled her eyes and kept on walking. She hadn't originally asked for the Americans help, but they had a way of getting into your business.

As the sun goddess sat unto her throne, she gazed over the many men and ponies around her. So many, so brave and plenty... But she knew it wouldn't be enough...

"Dear friends and allies! We stand together for the final battle against a foe that has overcome many! The mere fact that we-"

She was cut off by a flatulent sound coming from the middle of the crowd, followed by the maniacal laugh of a certain Italian everyone knew and loved...

"Who let Mussolini in!? Get him out!" The french ambassador shouted and several men and ponies jumped to stop the former dictator. The guy had a talent for getting on your nerves though, he wouldn't give in so easily.

The Italian threw aside the balloon he had used and ran to the front of the room, shouting and waving his arms frantically. Three German soldiers tackled him and repeatedly pummeled his face with their fists.

Celestia sighed and pondered on the dire situation. How could she defend her home? Her ponies were in need of her! She could not let them down!

Mussolini kicked one of the Germans across the room and flung the other two to the side with his powerful arms. Years of making pizza with mama had turned him into one tough bastard.

The goddess of the sun looked out the window nostalgically. She recalled the times when the land was at peace, when war and suffering had no place in her home. Days long gone and forgotten by her subjects, ever at the mercy of war.

The Chinese and Swedish ambassadors pulled out crowbars and charged the Italian dictator, screaming in effeminate voices as they neared their foe. Mussolini hollered some fairly sound arguments against common beliefs on dental hygiene and pulled out an Italian salami.

Celestia felt a tear forming on the corner of her eye, for how much misery can a single mind take before collapsing? How much suffering and pain can the soul sustain before the curtain of sorrow and damnation dooms the body and mind into an eternal state of chaotic and self destructing pain?

Mussolini swung his mighty piece of meat and hit the Chinese ambassador square in the baby maker, the man's screams of pain resounded throughout the chamber as meat met meat, even if the other meat was much smaller than the first meat...

But right then was not the time for meats! As the princess felt her knees falter and her resolve crumble, for it was too much pain and misery, too much uncertainty and despair! Oh woe is me that the world could let so much weight fall upon the shoulders of a single soul!

Mussolini fell to the floor as the swede landed a blow against the Italian's head.

Poor princess! Will you ever find peace and love for your subjects?!

The Italian was back on his feet, screeching and screaming while his salami battered the swede into submission.

Pain and suffering! Nostalgia for the olden days! Think of the children!

Two royal guards jumped into action. They tackled Mussolini and tried to hold him down while a couple others unsuccessfully tried to reanimate the Chinese and Swedish ambassadors.

Why won't anyone think of the children?!

Mussolini called upon the olden powers of Italian ancestry and his eyes glowed a bright green, from his mouth the glow emanated in a yellow coloring and from his fingertips the might and power surged in a red tone.

All froze and gazed upon the might of the Italian, for his body was power and his power was body.

"I am lord of lords! Master of masters hath sent mine soul forth into thine lands! Thou shall face mine wrath for thine lack of chilly!"

And all was consumed into fire and rage as the glorious panini of doom descended from the heavens and onto the land, glorious glory of gloryficating gloriousness spewed forth from its might and seasoned bread.

"Its the end times! The end times have come!"

And so they did, friend. So they did...