Humanverse: An Unimpressive Tale
A/N: Okay everypony, I wrote another story with my OC! I know my headcanon doesn’t quite match up with some of the Humanverse canon, but come on, who buys what those other ponies say about the cycle of the sun and moon?! I mean, come on! It doesn’t make sense without magic! Ugh but I don’t want drama so just fav and hoof up okay (I wish it would be thumbs up just for our Humanworld fics, but oh well hope I get featured xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Vimbert sat at his computer and typed with his hands and not hooves because he was a human in Humanworld. His furless skin glistened with sweat as he crouched over his strange, alien writing device which glowed with a magic like yet unlike unicorn magic, suggesting the two had similar origins. “Oh, Twilight Sparkle, you are just too cute with Princess Celestia. Who cares if she’s so old? You were made for each other. Oh, just look at how she looks at you when she says ‘My Faithful Student’. Yes. Twilight Sparkle, I know you see it too. You just want her to hold you close and never let go.”
Vimbert was chronicling Twilight Sparkle’s life story. Although a human in Humanworld, he knew that Twilight Sparkle was an intelligent, strong mare who was exactly the sort of pony he could look up to, sometimes even imagining that he could meet her one day, even though in Equestria, he would have seemed utterly out of place with his raging neckbeard which was very different from a pony beard and tendency to wear clothes all the time. Yes, truly, Humanworld was a strange and foreign place; why, they didn’t even have a princess, and winter wrapped itself up, and all the humans were earth humans: nopony could use magic, which begged the question of how they were able to raise the sun and moon all the time, but Vimbert did not know, being a filthy earth human who did not know of such things as he was not one of the secret unicorn humans who ruled from high above, guiding the planets and stars because things wouldn’t make sense otherwise. Briefly, Vimbert considered, “Why do I like Twilight Sparkle so much?”
Then, he used his magic, glowing book typer and opened a page titled “Pet Twilight Tumblr” and shouted, “Oh gods yes, this is why!”
He stared at images of Twilight addressing Nightmare Moon as “Mistress” for one Humanworld hour which was roughly .9874 Equestrian hours precisely. “Oh, it’s so cute!” he trilled, glancing at his Twilight Sparkle figurine on his desk. “Oh why can’t you be real and in Humanworld and I bet you just want to meet us too and Princess Celestia should really pay more attention to you Twilight Sparkle I mean she walks right by you in a moment of personal crisis and says ‘Happy Tuesday, Twilight!’ I mean, she could clearly see you were in peril, yet she does nothing? Oh, but she only does it because she loves you. Yes, loves. Clearly, if Spike wasn’t there, she would have swept you off your fee--er, hooves, yes, ponies have hooves, not like we humans in Humanworld who have feet not unlike dragon claws except covered by a porous membrane of skin like some animals not unlike ponies under their coats so really it’s like a human is a pony shed of all its trappings, free to be whatever he or she wants to be.”
Vimbert sighed.
“Twilestia is bestia.”
Just then, Rainb--I mean, Daffodil--came leaping into the room. “Vimbert I have just arrived from another part of Humanworld!”
“Daffodil what are you doing here you know this is my secret alone time!” Vimbert screamed, covering up his highly detailed shrine to Twilight and Princess Celestia having adorable steamy make-out sessions. “You are tearing me aparrrrrrrrrrt!”
“Psh, whatever. You have to see this!” Then Daffodil abruptly grabbed Vimbert and dragged him and his chair in which Vimbert was sitting slouched sort of like that one weird pony who might be seen in the Ponyville park sometimes but writes terrible Humanverse fics I mean an organization that turns ponies into humans? That’s the stupidest bucking idea I’ve ever heard yet she has so many followers on HiIFic and ugh she’s the worst but Vimbert did not know of any of this as he was a human in Humanworld currently being dragged around by a very rude earth human who he couldn’t help but have a certain fascination with.
Daffodil just did things, spoke her--his mind without fear of consequences. Rai--Daffodil was just free to be whoever or whatever was desired by him, being brave. That was something that Vimbert could admire, since he had devoted most of his life to his studies under Prince Solaris one of the secret unicorn humans but he usually just appeared as an earth human with a mutli-colored hair and Vimbert did not know of such things because he did not know how to friendship.
“B-b-b-b-ut...”
“Here it is!” Daffodil cried. “Check out that storm!”
They were in front of a window which displayed the Humanworld weather. Brought to them NOT by “natural” weather patterns it was all carefully arranged in secret by the unicorn humans [WHICH I KNOW EXIST CLOSE THAT COMMENT BOX NON-AU HUMANVERSE FAN YOU ARE WRONG] and the storm was striking lightning, causing small fires to start here and there but it was also raining but there were no pegasus humans to make this so because all Humanworld needed was the elite unicorn human race who deserved all the rewards fame and power and the inferior earth humans who did most of the work those filthy mudfeet.
“What about it?” Vimbert longed to return to his sweeping, epic tale about the time Twilight pretended to fall asleep and let Princess Celestia lovingly, soothingly stroke her mane, sending an electric thrill through her body as though she were witnessing something forbidden, something secret, something she so desperately wanted but could never have. And ever since that day, Twilight would try and try to pretend to fall asleep while reading books in the Princess’ study, hoping to recreate that one perfect moment when Celestia thought she was asleep and could be free to show her how much she truly loved her. Twilight had always worried about the social norms of the day, because some ponies just wouldn’t have understood her... THEIR forbidden love. Oh, how she knew that Princess Celestia wanted to pull her aside for “private lessons” so often during the day, but couldn’t because ponies would get suspicious. Yes, clearly Princess Celestia held the same passion for her and Twilight wasn’t just deluding herself into a perfect fantasy world where somepony loved her unconditionally instead of brutally rejecting her feelings like so many had before because this time it would work out and she wouldn’t cry and she wouldn’t cry and she wouldn’t cry and Princess Celestia loved her this she knew and it wasn’t a lie and HUMANWORLD!
“Yeah, the secret unicorn humans that I totally know exist for reasons never brought up in inferior canons really did a great job on this.”
“I know, right? There’s no way a beautiful rainfall like this could come from... from...” Daffodil struggled to keep from laughing. “‘Naturally occurring air currents.’”
The two humans laughed and laughed so hard their bipedal supports failed them and they fell to the ground which was actually carpet and rolled on it, laughing and laughing and laughing.
“And can... can you believe,” Vimbert choked out between laughs, “that some ponies think that winged humans exist?”
This sent them into fresh gales of laughter. “Yeah, that ‘angel’ theory is really stupid, isn’t it?
”
Vimbert finished laughing, his human lungs at last gasping for air. “Y-yeah. Oh man, and have you heard...” He glanced from side to side conspiratorially, as though worried certain earth humans would overhear. “About this whole ‘God’ thing?” the earth human asked.
Daffodil pimp slapped Vimbert. “You are bad and should feel bad for bringing up such heresy everyone knows that the secret unicorn humans that nopony knows about handle everything and no one could be as great as that Princess Celestia pony you write about!” the white earth human said.
“Yeah,” the pasty earth human offered. “I mean, you can see her. She makes sense! So, how’s totally getting into the Wonderb--Blue Angels coming?”
“Psh, they totally made me Super-Captain-For-Life the moment I walked in the door! I gave ‘em the steely eyes and said, ‘Danger is my middle name. Daffodil Danger Humancock.’ And they totally were just like ‘YOU ARE TOO AMAZING WE WILL WORSHIP YOU NOW’”
“Sounds like shit was so bits,” the librarian who did not go on epic adventures to save all of Humanworld because he was a boring earth human with no powers beyond ‘a stronger build’ and really who puts faith in that offered.
“So bits.”
“So, you wanna guysnuggle?”
“Do I ever!”
And then they totally had sex which was very different in positioning and motions from equine sex because they were bipedal and I will proceed to explain it all if I don’t we may not reach
THE END
