Shaded Bubbles

by Juggalomalice

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy, King Sombra, Derpy Hooves
Length: 11895

King Sombra has infiltrated Ponyville to plot his revenge and Derpy lets him rent a room from her.

Through luck and foresight King Sombra has managed to avoid the grave, but just barely. At the cost of much of his magical powers and his whole kingdom. With nothing, but his life, to lose he decides to make a daring gambit by infiltrating Ponyville and exacting his revenge from within.

With no formal spy training and little experience socializing with the common pony Sombra find's himself bumbling in his attempt to take over the town. With no base of power and little to his name Sombra finds himself losing the fight before it has started until a cross-eyed pagasus offers too help him. Now, in order to conquer Ponyville he must first conquer the home of Derpy Hooves, which may be his greatest challenge yet.

Cover art provided to me by The Grimm Reaper. Thank you.

(An idea that came from a joke I made on a Facebook thread and I just decided to run with it. This story isn't high on my priority list, but if a few people like it I'll try to make an update for it something within the month. It's labeled comedy, but I'm not a funny person, sorry.)

Published 2012-11-18 07:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-01 06:38:31 UTC

Phase 01

Defeated, ousted, publicly humiliated, and last, but not least, the immense pain that comes with being crystallized and shattered. The momentarily feeling of nonexistence that accompanies death was a feeling he wished to never feel again and as he flexed his reformed and solid body King Sombra smirked, both at his genius foresight and his luck, both which rivaled the devil pony himself. To believe that crystal regeneration chamber he hid over a thousand years ago would actually work.

He examined the device, one of his last magical works before his banishment. The bright green emeralds which held life restoring magics now stood blacken and slowly crumbling to ash. It was sheer luck that even a faint wisp of his essence made it back here before it vanished with the rest of his body. The whole process of regeneration was new to him and though he lived, it was at a great cost. He could feel a great portion of his magic was gone and he knew not if it would return. Not to mention the lose of his kingdom and ,with it, his armies and sheer resources. The lost of his regalia was of little concern to him though. Though both crown and mantle were powerful magical items they were easily replaced. Indeed, he had made sure to store several of each as well as a numerous other magical devices and trinkets just in case the unthinkable happened.

And the unthinkable did happen. He was defeated, not once, but twice. He studied the dark crystal chamber, untouched and forgotten for over a thousand years. Everything was as he last left it. He approached the small dark crystal wardrobe and opened it. Several crowns and mantles laid before him, each preserved by the same magics which had preserved this room. He swiftly dressed himself, feeling uncomfortable in the natural nakedness of his body. A small depositary of gold and gems laid in the corner as well as a pair of dark lavender saddle bags. Despite all this, King Sombre knew he couldn't just stay in this small hole in the ground.

It had served it's purpose as a recovery place in case of an emergency, but it was ill equipped to house anypony. If he wished to continue living he would have to venture outside. Though his magic was weakened he knew he was still more than a match for any beast who wished to trifle with him and with access to the small, but impressive, magical arsenal he had hidden here he knew for a fact he would have no trouble. Yet despite all that, he knew it was not enough to take over a kingdom. Maybe a small village, but not his old home. The memories of the recent events flooded his mind once more.

“I WAS SO CLOSE!” He roared, as his black magics flared out like fire. “If only those blasted outsiders hadn't interfered. Those annoying ponies and that cursed pink ailcorn and most of all that wretched little dragon.” Of all those ponies that helped steal his kingdom away from him he hated that little dragon the most, for it was him that found and retrieved the crystal heart. I was him King Sombra wanted revenge against. Celestia, Luna, all those other annoying ponies, his whole kingdom. They could all wait. The dragon was first.

He put the purple saddle bags on. He knew they were far from stylish, but it was the powerful enchantments that was on them that he cared for. Enchanted with near limitless holding capacity he began pouring into them all the riches and magical items he could. Soon the chamber was bear of anything worth a shred of value.

He knew the interlopers weren't from the Crystal Kingdom, which meant they had to be from Equestria. It was many days to reach Equestria by hoof and in the freezing north was suicide. Then how did those ponies get here so easily? King Sombre placed his hoof to his chin in thought as he vaguely remembered some strange building which housed a metal-like worm just south of his former kingdom. Those ponies seemed to ride inside that creature's belly so perhaps he could ride it to Equestria. Yes, he would have his revenge. He would infiltrate Equestria incognito and would slowly exact his revenge on his enemies from the shadows. How difficult could it be?

“Yes, delicious revenge shall be mine at last!” He cried out, followed by his trademark evil laugh.

The drivers of the metal-worm, or “train” as they called it, gave him not the slightest bit of trouble in regards to him purchasing a ticket. They claimed that they never heard the name Sombra before and though this troubled the former king he did not dwell on it. It was all for the better that he not be recognized if he was to be incognito. As the King watched the frozen plains speed past him it never occurred to him that part of being incognito was not looking like yourself.

The “worm-riders” told Sombra that the closest town to Canterlot was Ponyville. A peaceful earth pony town that mainly exported apples. When Sombra asked them about a baby purple dragon he was thrilled when they told them that a dragon by that description happened to live there as well. It was all too perfect. A small village, which was home to his new mortal enemy and was just next door to the capital of the hated alicorn sisters. What more could he ask for?

It took one day to reach Ponyville from the frozen north. Sombra was amazed at the speed of the train-worm. Who knows what other feats it could accomplish if given proper training and incentive.

“Worm-Trainer.” Sombra called as he stepped off the train.

“Conductor, sir.” The train conductor corrected with a roll of his eyes.

“Do not jest Worm-trainer, for I did not see the slightest sign of an orchestra in there so you clearly conducted nothing. Anyway, I must congratulate you and your team. I had my doubts about this worm of yours, but it did it's job splendidly. For such a fine job of breeding, when I retake my kingdom and conquer Equestria, I will spare you a life of slave labor in my gem mines.” Sombra said, believing he was bestowing a great honor on the train-conductor.

“Whatever you say, Mac.” The conductor replied with another roll of his eyes. He was growing tired of talking to this insane unicorn and his flamboyant mane which looked like it was magically cut and paste out of Teen Pony magazine.

“Why do you refer to me as this Mac pony? I told you before that my name is King Sombra!” he roared back.

“Sure thing King Mac.” the brown earth pony replied as he boarded the train as it took off to it's next destination.

“Sombra! King Sombra, you addle minded wrench!” the kingly unicorn yelled at the departing train. “I can't help but feel like he was mocking me, but who in their right mind would mock me, King Sombra?”

He briefly looked over the town before him. Ponyville looked very much like the Crystal Kingdom did before he took over. Bright, green, happy and disgusting. The sheer blindly bright color of... everything was a pain to his eyes which, after 1000 years, were accustomed to darkness and shadows. Yes, he couldn't wait to take over this runt of a town and it didn't look like anyone here could stop him if they wanted too.

“One step at a time Sombra.” He said to himself in an attempt to control his excitement. “Remember you're incognito. The first step I need to take is to establish a permanent base of operations and from their I can slowly integrate myself into the society weaving my evil plots right under their noses. I'll need directions to a suitable place though first.” He plotted out loud attracting the attention of several ponies passing by as he scanned the crowds for a suitable peasant to suit his needs. “You there, ridiculous looking drunk mare! I require a word with you.” He called out to a mulberry coated earth pony with a cutie mark of grapes and a strawberry. She turned to face him with a somewhat inebriated expression.

“Me?” She asked with a slight slur.

“Yes, you. I require lodgings for the night and perhaps longer. Direct me to this towns inn” He demanded.

The mare gazed at him with a confused look. “In, but you're already 'in town'. What else do you want to be in?”

“What? An inn woman, lodgings, a place where I pay money in exchange for services and a room to sleep for the night.” Sombra explained.

“Oh, like a hotel!” The mare exclaimed. “Why didn't you say that the first time?” She said as she gave him directions to the nearest one.

The hotel he found was of average quality offering nothing that would make it stand out from any other you would find on the side of the road. He approached the front counter to speak with the desk clerk, a bored looking blue earth stallion who seemed more interested in the Ponyville paper than his potential customer.

“Hello,” Sombra began in a bad attempt to be inconspicuous, “I am... huh... Somber, “he struggled as he barely realized he hadn't thought of an alias, “And I am a normal everyday unicorn who would like to rent a room.” The king seem quite content with his acting performance.

The earth pony didn't even bother to look away from his paper as he tapped a sign next to him and in a melancholy voice read off what it read, “No vacancy.”

Sombra found himself slightly put off by the employee's unwillingness to look at him. “Come now, I just got into town and have no where to stay. Surely you have something available?”

“No vacancy.” The pony repeated with a tap of the sign.

A vein throbbed in Sombra's forehead as he forced himself to remember that he was incognito and couldn't afford to make to much of a scene. “Well could you at least check when a room would be available or at the very least give me directions to another hotel?”

“Do I have to tap the sign again?”

“But you don't seem to want to help...” Sombra was cut off by the distinct sound of a hoof tapping the sign. “ARRRRHGGHHH! Be that way!” Sombra roared as a flash of black light filled the room. Shortly afterward Sombra was seen leaving the hotel lobby. Being the incredible and generous king that he was he left the hotel a parting gift, despite the staff's rudeness. Yes, a lovely crystal encased pony statue now decorated the lobby greatly enhancing the flavor of the room.

King Sombra visited inn after inn only to be told the same thing over and over again. “Sorry, we don't have any rooms open for a normal everyday unicorn. Maybe if you were someone important or royalty we could free one up.”

“Important or royalty you say?” Sombra growled through clenched teeth before he pounded his hooves onto the desk in front of him. “Just who the hell do you think I am?! I am King Sombra, conqueror and rightful ruler of the Crystal Kingdom. I brought darkness and ruin to ponies everywhere. So great was my threat and power that I, A MORTAL BEING, incited the wrath of not one, but TWO, deific beings and even with their power combined they still couldn't kill me! Is that important enough for you?” He shouted out loud having disregarded the concept of subtly.

“You're King Sombra?” The pony across from him asked.

“Yes.”

“Never heard of you.” she said, shooting a metaphysical arrow straight through Sombra's ego.

“Never heard of me? But I was the pony of nightmares. You know, fear and eternal slavery and all that stuff.” He said, almost pleading with the pony across from him to remember his great and evil deeds.

“Nope, doesn't ring a bell.”

“I made a whole kingdom vanish.”

“Sorry.”

“I see.” With that Sombra slowly walked away with his head head down. The gravity of the situation was barely starting to sink in. He didn't need to be incognito. No one knew who he was to begin with. He suddenly felt the heavy weight of time on his shoulders. It wasn't even two weeks ago when he freed himself from his imprisonment and he was already yesterday's news. No, ponies at least remembered yesterday's news. He was over a thousand year old news. Not even a footnote in the history books.

He found himself sulking under a tree in the nearby park slowly listing his greatest accomplishments throughout his life. The greatest moments of his life suddenly meant nothing to anypony else. Not even worth writing in a book. At least in the Crystal Kingdom his name still struck fear into the citizens, but here...

As if to prove his point, at that moment a ball bounced up to him chased by a pink little filly. As the little filly approached, Sombra gave her an evil and frightful snare in an attempt to scare her off. The filly stopped for a few seconds in shock at the unexpected action, before she laughed and picked her ball up. “Weirdo.” She mocked.

“My name use to strike fear in ponies everywhere. Parents would whisper my name to make rambunctious children go to bed early and now... now I can't even scare a little girl. I'm so pathetic.” He hung his head low. His kingly pride all, but shattered. He hadn't been in this town for a day and he already wanted to destroy it. Just level it to the ground. His thoughts of wanton destruction were interrupted by the appearance of a muffin entering his field of vision, as if being offered to him.

“This town denies me so much and now it denies me even my desire to be left in solitude.” He growled as he glared at the offending hoof. He was greeted with the smiling face of a gray pegusus with wonky yellow eyes and blond hair. The more he stared at the mare in front of him the more her eyes drifted apart.

“Huh?” Sombra said to himself as he felt his own eyes drift apart in a vain effort to “look” her in the eyes. He shook his head, shaking his eyes back to their original and rightful place. “What are you doing?” He demanded of the mare.

“Oh sorry.” She apologized, “I didn't mean to bother you. It's just you looked kind of down and I thought maybe I could do something to cheer you up. Then I remembered that whenever I feel sad I eat a muffin and I feel better. So I thought I would give you a muffin, but then I was worried that maybe you wouldn't like muffins, but then I said “Everyone likes muffins”. And why wouldn't they? They're so soft, fluffy, and the come in every flavor and...” She looked at the black coated unicorn to find him giving her a scrutinizing glare. “What I'm trying to say is that I really like muffins and I thought maybe you would too.”

Sombra grudgingly accepted the muffin. Though he hated the idea of being a charity case he was much to depressed to flat out deny the strange mare and her offering.

“It's blueberry, one of my favorite. So why are you all sad?” She asked.

Sombra sighed, “I just realized what it's like to be forgotten and just disappear.”

“Oh, that's a terrible feeling to have. I can understand how you feel. The same thing kind of happened to me once.” She confessed with a somewhat troubled face.

“How could you possibly understand how I feel?” Sombra asked doubtfully.

“Well I'm not sure if it's the same, but sometime ago I kind of did something wrong and it made a lot of ponies really mad. Some of them were really mean about it too. I was trying to help, honest, but they didn't like me. I... I almost disappeared myself.” She admitted as she lightly teared up at the memory. “I just don't know what went wrong.”

Intrigued by her sincere story Sombra found himself asking, “So what happened?”

The cross-eye mare immediately picked up at the question. “My friends, that's what happened. All my friends came out to defend me and that's when I realized how loved I was and that no matter what happens I would always be remembered.”

“Well that's where we differ. I don't have any friends so I guess we'll just end this silly sham of socialization.” He stood up and began to walk off.

“Then I'll be your friend!” The mare blurted out.

Sombra wasn't born yesterday. He was an educated unicorn and knew a great deal about magic and many other fields. He knew that if he just walked off now he would be done with this silly filly and never have to see her again. It would save him a headache at the very least. Even though he knew this, he none the less found himself stopping and staring back at the pegasus with a smirk on his face. “That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life,” He said in between a laugh.

The pegasus smiled when she saw his face. She wasn't as dumb as a lot of ponies thought she was. She knew that some ponies said mean things because they couldn't always be honest with themselves. She was fairly certain this unicorn was one of them.

“See if you're my friend that means I won't forget about you and if you have a friend you don't have to be sad about being forgotten.” She reasoned to him.

Sombra just stared at her for several long agonizing seconds. “Is it really that easy?”

“Eeyup.”

“You're crazy.” He said before he burst into a fit of laughter, his new pegasus friend joining him. Her bright and bubbly laugh ringing together with his booming evil laugh. She didn't question why lighting struck every time he laughed.

“Oh, how rude of me. We're friends now yet I haven’t introduced myself. My name is Derpy Hooves, one of Ponyville's elite mailmares.”

“My name is Sombra. King Sombra to be exact, former, but rightful, ruler of the Crystal Kingdom. I was busy looking for a place to stay here in Ponyville, but no one seems to have a vacant room for me to use.”

“Oh, in that case I can rent out the spare guest room in my house to you.” Derpy offered.

“You would do that?” Sombra asked with confusion. “You don't even know me.”

“Sure I do. You're my new friend that I just met today.”

“But, I...”

“Do you want the room or not?”

“Yes.” He quickly answered.

“Good, then follow me and I'll show you my house. I know a lot of ponies so once you get settled in I'll even help you look for a job.” Derpy said cheerfully. Ponies were like muffins to her.

And she has never met a muffin she didn't like.

Phase 02

This was awkward.

Sombra found himself in a quaint little home on the outskirts of Ponyville sitting at a rather nice dining room table. It was a two story house and the whole place was decorated with pictures of muffins, flowers, and numerous photos of a little filly unicorn with a blonde mane and a pale purple coat. The whole house smelled like baked bread, too.

Sombra slowly rubbed the temples of his head with his hooves as he thought to himself, “I hate the bouncy happy feel of this house, I hate this happy smell, I hate this happy feel, I hate this happy...”

“Everything.” He growled out loud as glanced across the bright dining room. It's peaceful and loving atmosphere acting like a deadly toxin that was slowly making the king sick to his stomach.

“Keep it together Sombra. This is for world domination.” He hissed to himself as he played with the muffin in front of him. It was one of many muffins that sat in a large bowl in the center of the table. His host, Derpy, had run into the nearby kitchen to make some tea so that they could have something to drink before they discussed the details of his move.

“Yes, once I've moved in I'll slowly take over this household and from there my evil will reach out and engulf all of Ponyville. The first day of my world conquest starts today. BEWARE PONYVILLE! KING SOMBRA IS BACK!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” He ended up shouting at the end of his declaration as he stood up from his chair and struck a traditional evil villain pose and began laughing in tune with the ominous thunder that rang outside even though it was a clear and sunny day.

It took Sombra almost one whole minute of evil laughing before he noticed the filly unicorn from the pictures standing by the doorway looking at him wide-eyed. Her expression didn't portray fear. More like intense confusion.

“How long has she been standing there?” Sombra thought. “Did she hear my plans? If she did she could ruin everything. I'll have to remove her. I don't have a gem mine here so I guess I'll just have to resort to old fashion murder.”

He had to act quickly and remove her from this world before Derpy became aware of her presence. A double homicide was a bad way to start a covert operation.

“Freezing her in crystal and then shattering her would probably work.” he continued to plot, but before he could enact his genius scheme…

“MOM! THERES A WERID GUY IN THE DINING ROOM!” The purple filly cried out.

“Horse-apples!” Sombra cried out in his mind.

“Dinky!” Derpy cried out in a scowling tone as she entered the dining room, a tea tray delicately balanced on her back. “What did I tell you about being rude to our guests?”

“Wait until they're out of earshot?” Dinky replied absentmindedly.

Silenced, Derpy blinked several times in mild shock.

“No, the other thing.” She hissed slightly in emphasis.

“OH!” Dinky cried as she remembered. “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.”

“That's better. Now come grab a muffin and say hello to Mr. Sombra. He's going to be renting the extra guest room upstairs.” Derpy explained.

Dinky walked up and looked Sombra over. The flowing black mane, the armored chest plate, kingly attire, the green eyes, the flowing purple wisps of concentrated evil that leaked from his eyes, the fangs. How does a pony get fangs anyway? Yeah, this pony screamed comic book villain to Dinky.

“Mom, couldn't you bring home a normal pony for once?”

Derpy blushed in embarrassment from her daughter's reply as she glanced at Sombra, unsure if he would be offended.

“What do you mean by that Muffin?” Derpy asked.

“I mean, the first one was that doctor guy and he was all wibble wobble timely-wimey and now this guy? Just look at him.” She said pleadingly to her mom.

“What does that mean?!” Sombra finally shouted having reached his tolerance of this little brat.

“You look like you're about to knock over the Ponyville Bank or steal 40 cakes from Sugar-Cube Corner or something.” She answered without the least bit of fear as she turned her attention to Sombra, ignoring her mother's pleas for her to stop being rude.

“What? JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?! I would never steal 40 cakes from anywhere!” Sombra loudly declared.

“See?” Derpy said with a smile as if to prove her point and her judgment of character. “Now let’s all calm down.”

“Why with my power I would steal at least twice as many cakes!” Sombra declared proudly, oblivious to the stares he was receiving. “Afterward I would steal 20, no, 40 gallons of ice cream to go with it. Who ever heard of cake without ice cream anyway?”

“Would you get chocolate?” Dinky suddenly asked, swept up in the idea of free ice cream.

“No way, chocolate is for fillies and metrosexuals. Real stallions can be content with just vanilla and maybe some banana-nut on the side.” He explained.

“I love banana-nut ice cream!” Derpy suddenly squealed at the mention of her favorite cold treat.

“Absurd! No-pony likes banana-nut.” Sombra exclaimed in disbelief. “Back in my Kingdom there was always a surplus of banana-nut because no-pony ever ate any.” Little did Sombra know was that the reason no one ate any was because everypony was too scared to find out what would happen if he didn't have his banana-nut ice cream.

“Yes way. I love banana-nut. It tastes just like the muffin.”

The two got caught in a conversation about banana-nut and its various forms. Everything including ice cream, muffins, cake, and various other desserts were mentioned as they completely ignored Dinky. After ten minutes, yes, ten minutes of nothing but banana-nut, Dinky rolled her eyes in aggravation as she left the two and headed to her room upstairs. Sometimes Dinky worried about her mom. She always finds the weirdest guys.

Derpy had to admit that Sombra was a strange character. It was almost like he wasn’t use to ponies offering him feedback in conversations. He almost seemed shocked at the idea that somepony else could have interests remotely similar to his own. After a few more minutes of random talk, the mail-mare finally remembered she was supposed to be having a serious talk about Sombra moving in.

“Sorry about that.” Derpy giggled nervously as she reached for another muffin, her fifth so far. “I was supposed to go over the details of the move with you and instead I got distracted by muffin flavors.”

“It is quite alright, especially when you have to deal with a pony and king as charismatic as myself.” He replied, taking no offense to the sudden change in topics as he himself reached for a new muffin, his third. “I must know, did you bake these muffins yourself? Not even my best cooking slaves could bake something this delicious.”

Derpy blinked in confusion for a second. “Did he just say slave? I must being hearing things. He's foreign so it's properly just some fancy foreign word for maid or something.”

“Yup, they're kind of the only thing I can bake without messing up.”

“Yet your cutie mark is bubbles? Why is that?” Sombra asked, the question bugging him since he first laid eyes on the derp-eyed mare's flank.

“I don't know; must be because of my bubbly personality.” She answered with a bright smile. “Not many people notice it though.” She admitted under her breath.

“Hmm, I see. Well cutie marks are strange things, yet we as ponies take great pride in them. I can understand the aggravation one must go through when they aren't recognized for their special talent.”

“Really?” She asked, unsure if she should believe him.

“Really” Sombra replied, “now about this room.”

“Oh yeah, it’s one room and three meals a day. If you want to eat more or something besides what I cook then that will be from your pocket. The front door locks at 10PM and no loud noise after 9PM because Dinky has school in the mornings. Rent is due on the fifth of every mouth, but I know you're new here and don't have work so I can give you the first month free.”

“I am not a charity case. I am King Sombra, rightful heir to the Crystal Empire. I have plenty of money saved up for just such occasions.” He boasted, forgetting once more the definition of incognito, as he levitated his bag and dumped out the contents onto the table. Coins, crystals and various other treasures poured out.

“I wish to pay three months in advance, will that be acceptable.” He offered with a proud smile.

Derpy studied the coins, each one minted with Sombra's face and etched with the saying, “Remember, you are here for life.”

“How much are these worth in Equestrian bits?” Derpy asked, though it was hard to tell if she was giving him a scrutinizing stare or not since her eyes refused to stay still.

“Back in my day, each Crystal Empire coin was equal to ten Equestrian bits.”

“Hmm, I'll have to check with the bank about that, but I guess it's a start. We'll settle on the final price once I've done that. Your room is upstairs, last door on the right. Two bathrooms, one down the hall here and the upstairs is the first door on the right.” She explained.

“Hmm, I couldn't tell how big this place was from the outside: Rather spacious really.” Sombra pondered.

“Yup, but that's about all. I would like to officially welcome you to House Hooves!” She happily exclaimed.

Sombra wasn't sure if she was talking to him or the wall though. This mare was naive, partially blind and didn't seem all that bright. The former king gave a devilish grin.

“Perfect.” He hissed as he began laughing once more at the thought of exploiting this blonde mare.

Derpy tilted her head in confusion at seeing Sombra laughing so suddenly.

“He must be really happy to have a place to stay.” She said to herself with a smile.

End Chapter 2

Author's Note

I'm sick and I needed to finish this. Not a good combination for a story. So I apologize if it seems like it lacks effort. Trying here. Short chapter too, so Derpy didn't get much screen time, but barely chapter 2 so still plenty of time. Can't expect much at this point. This system is very different from fanfiction.net so my apologies if there's a few format bugs.

If you like, you can follow my facebook, /juggalomalice, for the latest updates on my other fanfics, not all pony related, youtube videos, and philosophical debate.

Also, since I always forget, Disclaimer that says I own nothing and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright of Hasbro and Studio B... yada yada.

Phase 04: Sombra vs. The Job Market Part 01

Ponyville. Ponyville never changes.

At least that's what Sombra thought as he tried to navigate the near identical roadways of the town. No matter which way he traveled though, every building looked the same.

“What's with this poor choice of architectural diversity. It's like these pony hicks were hit with a cultural stupid hammer!” He shouted into the empty back alley he had somehow gotten lost in.

He used his magic to pull out the directions Derpy had given him that morning from his gray saddle bags as you continued on his path to nowhere before stopping abruptly. Derpy had provided a makeshift map with directions, but...

“Confound it! I can't make ends or tales of this blasted thing,” He took a deep breath in order to quickly calm his nerves. “Relax Sombra. You spent 1000 years as a shadow freezing in the bitter depths of a glacier only to be resurrected and defeated by a pretty pink princess and a purple baby dragon. There's no way my pride can take be beaten by bad directions!” He raged at the empty alley as his magic flared out in a purple pulse which shattered multiple nearby windows. (Conveniently the owners of these homes were all out to work, sparing Sombra the long and painful process of being arrested for destruction of property.)

He continued on his path as he cross-examined the paper once more.

“Eureka! Stupid is as stupid does. I can't understand these directions because they were made by a near-sighted moron and the only way I can understand them is if I'm a near-sighted moron!” He exclaimed.

If he had been paying more attention he may have noticed a bright magenta earth pony with a cutie mark of two daisies as she tended to her garden staring at him in confusion and partial fear. If he had noticed her he may have been able to ask her for directions like a normal pony and spared himself the trouble of reading Derpy's mouth-writing.

SCREW THAT!

He's King FREAKING Sombra and he's on the verge of a scientific discovery! With new found vigor he slammed his head against the nearby wall. The pain shot through his body dazing him, but he found he was still capable of cognitive thought. He hastily slammed his head once more in an attempt to knock more sense “out” of him. The blow staggered the former king as he stumbled towards the lime maned mare.

“Sir, are you OK?” The mare asked, her voice a mixture of concern and fear. She had also reflexively grabbed a nearby flower pot to use as a weapon just in case.

Sombra glared at the mares who dared to disturb his experiment. All three of them as they danced around him. Probably triplets.

“Do you mind? I'm beating myself up!” He shouted as he snatched the flower pot out of the mare's hoofs with his magic before slamming it into his head. It didn't hurt so much this time. More like a distant thump. Sombra could already feel his thoughts scattering from trauma to his cranium. Equipped with a light concussion and his own pair of derp eyes he attempted to read the directions once more. To his amazement he watched as the random squiggles and lines began to merge to form an amazingly detailed and precise map.

“Genius! The cypher is stupidity!” He glared once more at the nearby mare as blood dripped down his muzzle. “I guess I showed you how stupid I am,” He slurred towards the gardener causing her to promptly faint.

“Yeah, I still got it,” Sombra bragged as he began to stumble his way towards his first interview. Now that he could read the map there was nothing stopping him from reaching his first interview and enacting the next stage of his plot. Nothing except blood loss and a concussion. He promptly made it around the corner, approximately twenty paces from his current location, before falling unconscious. As a result, Sombra missed all his interviews for that day and would awaken later that afternoon in the Ponyville hospital.

Upon treating him, doctors would notice his suspicious appearance and would report him to the local guard. They then cross-referenced the description to discover that Ponyville hospital was in possession of the one and only tyrant, King Sombra. They sent a unit to apprehend him immediately and with no place to run or hide Sombra was forced to make a final stand of life and death. Unfortunately, Sombra was still injured and without the majority of his magic meaning he was only able to kill 30 ponies and burn down 14 buildings before he was cut down with a spear to the chest.

At least that's what WOULD happen if anypony in Ponyville knew or cared about who King Sombra was or what he looked liked. Instead, at around 4PM they released him from the hospital with a clean bill of health after Derpy arrived to pick him up. The medical staff easily accepted the reasoning of him being foreign as an explanation for his unusual appearance and believed the flat out lie that a gang of wild diamond dogs jumped him and beat him up in the alley without a second thought.

“By the gods, ponies in this town are stupid,” Sombra thought to himself as Derpy, with Dinky alongside, wheeled him home.

Dinky hopped along with a smug smile, “I bet there were no diamond dogs, right?”

“Dinky, how could you doubt Mr. Sombra after what he's been through? He has no reason to lie to us about this sort of thing.” Derpy refuted on Sombra's behalf.

“Because he's a super-villain, duh,” the younger unicorn answered with tone of arrogance at Sombra's obvious evilness.

“Keep that sass up and no dessert for you missy.” Derpy threatened, quickly silencing the filly.

Once home Derpy made sure to dote extra hard on the injured king. Despite how annoying it was Sombra couldn't help but enjoy the extra attention. BUT JUST A LITTLE! A king is allowed a vice every once in a while.

Sombra had escaped the require rite of suicide that Equestria required of it's male population, but just for today. Even though Derpy had insisted he take the next day to rest, Sombra knew it would just delay the inevitable. He needed work if he was going to continue living here and he needed to live here if he going to take over Equestria.

As he laid in the darkness of his room allowing sleep to once again creep up and him he felt the distinct feeling of somepony crawling under his covers. Sombra's eye immediately widened as he shot up in order to yell at the silly pegasus, but the sudden quick movement caused his injury to flare up in pain and caused him to fall back down with a dizzy spell.

“You know what, I don't even care. Do what you want,” He grumbled in anger at the sleeping mare next to him.

As if subconsciously spurred by his approval, Derpy snuggled closer to Sombra and settled in against his chest.

“Accursed mare, no one told you to get closer.” He snarled. Sombra wanted to yell and kick her out, but his head hurt too much. He knew if he yelled it would just hurt even more and since he was evil he choose the greater (and less painful) of the two evils and grudgingly allowed Derpy to share his bed for that night.

“Stupid mare and your stupid nice smelling mane.”

End Chapter 4

Author's Note

Sorry about the delay. I know it's a short chapter. Mostly just to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten and I'm going to be trying to keep updates a bit more frequent now. I still have other fanfics to work on fanfiction that I need to finish, but I do intend to work more on this story in the near future.I would like to thank those that have taken interest in this cracked story and who have shown support.

It's a bit of a Sombra centric chapter with me just forcing the fluff with Derpy because I felt she needed a bit more face time. This chapter somewhat wrote itself, especially since I had no intention of having anything like this in the original story draft. Well I hope you like it till the next update.

Phase 5: Sombra vs. The Job Market Part 02

After a day of rest Sombra, most vile of unicorns, most wretched of king, most tyrannous of tyrants, and the former tyrant of the Crystal Kingdom, had healed enough to venture out into Ponyville once more in his quest for a job. Sombra traveled tirelessly across many streets and met many strange ponies of different professions. At each new shop he dropped off a resume and at some he had to perform the extra trial known as an “interview”. Along his travels he scared many fillies and ate many sandwiches. To detail his journey in its totality would take volumes upon volumes in order too bestow the justice that such a grand voyage entailed. Since capsulizing the quest would undermine the journey as a whole and since undermining it would reduce the grandeur that is SOMBRA, I am forced, instead, to direct you towards the book, now on sale at all a bookstore near you (Actual book does not exist. Please don’t visit your local bookstore looking for it.) In light of this fact I am forced to tell the story through mere excerpts of what happened in the week that followed as the former king attempted to find a job or as Sombra would later call it….

“My Week in Pony Hell”

Day 1: Crazy Wheel’s Bargain Carts and Wheels

A tall, dark unicorn stood evilly in the large parking lot, surrounded by carts of varying sizes, colors, and whimsical design. The black stallion wore a bright red blazer with a name tag that read, “Hello, My Name is Sombra”. The forced smile on his face did little to make him look friendly.

Next to him stood a much shorter stallion with an off-white coat, glasses, a plaid green necktie and a cutie mark of a robot. His mane seemed to be a greasy brown. The shorter earth pony seemed focused on a small nearby cart as he slowly circled around it with a scrutinizing gaze.

“I’m not sure,” The earth pony, who fell too much into a stereotype for me to fully disclose a description of it without me feeling like I’d insult some social circle I’m not aware of, said, “This still seems too big for the uses I’d have in mind.”

Sombra face hoofed, “Mr. Gizmo, I assure you this is the smallest cart we have this side of Canterlot.”

Gizmo rubbed his chin as he pondered those words, “Maybe I’ll just have to visit another used cart lot.”

“MR. GIZMO,” Sombra spoke slowly so that his words were understood by the idiot in front of him, “We are the ONLY used cart lot this side of Canterlot.”

“Are you sure?” The walking stereotype asked in disbelief.

“OF COURSE I’M SURE! There’s not much of a market for these things to begin with. What do you think? Ponies buy new carts every year like we’re some capitalistic society of retarded monkeys that makes new versions of the same product every six months just so they can rip you off again?!”

“Oh look,” The dark tyrant said in a high pitch, but mockingly coyish voice, “The new carts are in. Look at this year models. They’re brown with TWO WHEELS!”

Gizmo readjusted his bow-tie and with a stand-offish tone said, “Well you don’t have to be rude about it. The point is that unless you have a smaller cart I’m afraid I’ll be taking my business elsewhere.” Gizmo was instantly thrown back by the torrent of dark magic which erupted from SOMBRA, used cart sales-pony. Dark energy crackled around his body like electricity and the plumes of purple evil around his eyes flared with his powers. He glared at the small insect before him.

“Fine, I’ll make you deal.” Sombra declared as dark magic began to swirl around his horn before he slashed down at the cart, slicing it in half. “50% off, Take it or leave!”

Gizmo didn’t have to be told twice as he instantly picked himself up and ran for his life at speeds he never thought he could run at. Sombra laughed all the while as lighting and thunder sounded behind him, even though it was a clear and cloudless day. Behind the cackling king a large and older earth pony stood tapping his hoof. A cutie mark of wagon wheels and bits decorated his flank.

“Sombra, you’re fired!” Crazy Wheels of “Crazy Wheel’s Bargain Carts and Wheels” angrily shouted.

“And you’re a stone statue!” Sombra shouted back as he turned toward his former employer and zapped him with a purple beam of magic.

The spell hit dead center and instantly petrified Crazy Wheels. Not one to allow himself to lose momentum, Sombra placed his former boss on a cart and rolled him off a hill towards the Everfree Forest. With that, the unicorn packed up his things, took 50 bits for his work that day, and then set the whole lot on fire. As he walked off he wondered how he was going to explain this to anypony who might ask questions.

Later at the Hooves house

Derpy had just finished setting up the table as she called Dinky and Sombra down for dinner. Sombra took his seat among the family of two and as a rather creepy smile graced his face, he leaned forward on the table.

“So stop me if you’ve heard this one before.” The king began, “A Phoenix and a Cockatrice walk into a used-cart lot…”

Day 2: Quills and Sofas

“What do you mean I can’t sleep on the sofas?” Sombra yelled

“I told you that you can’t sleep while on the job.” Davenport, Sombra’s boss for day, replied back sternly.

“Yeah, but you fired me,” The king replied in a matter of fact as he turned over on the comfy sofa he had fallen asleep on just recently prior to his termination.

“I fired you for sleeping on the job!”

“So what’s the problem? I’m a customer now and the customer is always right.”

With that comment Sombra found himself promptly tossed outside the shop, sofa and all. No one’s quite sure what happened after that, but after intensive questioning of the nearby ponies a somewhat accurate picture of the events that transpired could be stitched together.

Apparently a sofa, angry after being unfairly terminated, set itself on fire before performing a kamikaze attack on the store by crashing through the window. Thankfully the shop was only moderately damaged, but the sofa, sadly, lost its life. One of the more legal crafty ponies, Useless Bill, is already drafting a bill for the fair and po-mane treatment of sofas everywhere.

Day 3 Pony-Burger

“By the hounds of Tartarus, I hate Pony-Burger”

-Sombra, The Burger-King

Pony-Burger was the latest big thing to hit Equestria. Having its origins in Manehatten, it gained great popularity due to the demand for cheap and fast food. In fact it became so popular in the big city that they decided they should expand and what better way to expand then with a franchise. A business savvy pony in Ponyville saw a great opportunity with that and purchased the rights. Shortly afterward a Pony-Burger opened up in the small town of Ponyville.

It was popular even in the much smaller town and the food was good. The atmosphere was relatively popular and the restaurants mascot made it enjoyable for younger foals. Sombra hated Pony-Burger. It was an eyesore the moment he walked in and he knew that he would hate working here, but… he needed the job.

So he sucked up his pride, the little that wasn’t destroyed by him being defeated by a baby dragon, and submitted an application. He was rewarded with an interview that same afternoon followed by a job position starting immediately. It wasn’t so bad. The uniform consisted of a red shirt, black pants, and a silly hate that was shaped like a burger. Of course since this is not just Sombra, but KING Sombra, he still insisted on wearing his crown everywhere he went. Something about it being the key to unimaginative powers that the lessor minded ponies could never control or comprehend, but that takes our current story off tangent.

Imagine if you will Sombra with his crown. It is not only a symbol of his regality, but of his evil as well. King wasn’t just a title; it was part of his very identity. Now image a fast food restaurant hat with a large burger on the front. Put these two ideas together and you can easily understand how Sombra became known as the “Burger King” to his coworkers after his first day of work.

Despite Sombra's intense hatred for said restaurant, Pony-Burger ended up being a one of the places that Sombra worked at for the longest time, a whole three days. Why he held this job for so long was little more than the fact that the job was fairly automatic. Sombra's spoke little to his co-workers and so long as he read the script and pushed a few buttons related to an order he never had to speak to his manager. Social interactions with other ponies mainly consisted of, “Welcome to Pony-Burger, home of the Pony-burger. May I take your order?”

As such Sombra kept a low-profile, working a job with little responsibility and real social interaction. He was even starting to grow fond of his new title of “The Burger-King” till his third day. See, this day started a bit different. Derpy had over slept that day and failed to wake anyone in the household up in time. As such, breakfast passed in a rushed whirl and Sombra was unable to obtain his daily lunch sandwich and muffin, a lunch he had grown fond of in the past few days yet would never admit. This lack of nourishment fit for a king forced Sombra to buy lunch at his work place using his employee's discount and then... Then he discovered the terrible truth of PONY-BURGER.

“Welcome to Pony-Burger, home of the Pony-burger. May I take your order?” Sombra said with disheartened truth that he now carried on his shoulders.

“Yes, I'd like a Pony-burger, medium hayfries and a hay-shake.” The nondescript stallion order.

“No you don't.” Sombra said in a hushed voice towards the customer.

“What?”

“You don't know what's in that thing. Trust me you don't want it.” Sombra assured with a whispered urgency.

The stallion, sensing the king's urgency, leaned in, “I don't understand.”

“They're lying to you. This whole place is lying to you.”

“How? What's a lie?”

“The Pony-burger isn't made of real pony.”

“What?”

“The burger isn't made of real pony. It's just soy. They're ripping you off!” The king hissed the last part loudly to make his point.

Figuring this pony was insane the stallion broke his whispered conversation and said, in disgust, “Why would I eat a real pony?”

“Why, because they're delicious, that's why,” Sombra shouted with a flash of his fangs to emphasize his point, “I mean why would you call something a PONY burger if it isn't made out of real pony? They should call it a soy burger or something similar. Lying is one thing, but if being an evil tyrant has taught me one thing it's that you never lie to your customers. How else are you suppose to build a functional commercial trade network if ponies can't trust your product?” The former king had now jumped on to the counter to proclaim the cruel truth to all the restaurant's patrons.

“Attention everypony. I cannot keep silent anymore,” The Burger-King announced, “The burgers you are eating are not made out of real ponies. I know this is a terrible shock to you all, but I assure you as your Burger-king that I will speak with management immediately to rectify this problem. You have my guarantee that we will have 'fresh' pony meat shipped in from the local slave camps by tomorrow.”

You can imagine this created quite the stir among customers as well as a bit of confusion. Did that mean that the burgers were made out of real ponies and they ran out of pony today? Had they ended up eating ponies in the past few days? The possibility ran rampant in their minds and the innocent pony guests began to panic, children cried, and some ponies threw up their just eaten meals.

“Wow, I knew they be upset, but I didn't think they'd be this upset over not being able to eat pony. I might be starting to like Equestria.” Sombra said with a nod as he observed the mayhem.

A flabby pony with balding head walked up behind Sombra with a very displeased expression on his face. His name tag read, “Quarter Pounder – Manager” Sombra looked backed and noticed the fat pony behind him.

“Ah, Mr. Manager, I have something of grave importance to speak to you about.” Sombra began.

“Not other word Mr. Sombra. I simply wish to inform you that you're fired.” Quarter said in a leveled, managerial voice.

Sombra seemed shocked to hear these words, “I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you. It sounded like you said I was fired even though I'm taking great steps to ensure the quality of this business.”

“That's exactly what I said Sombra. You're FIRED!”

Sombra whole body began to quake in anger as dark magic once again flowed through his form. His whole visage seemed to grow and mead with the very shadows of the building as his eyes were absorbed into the solid green of pure shadow magic. “No,” Sombra's voice echoed, “You're FIRED!”

With that Sombra shot a flame orange beam at his former managers, igniting the over-weight pony on fire. Quarter Pounder panicked as the flames spread quickly on his body and began to run in a scared frenzy knocking the deep fryer pan over and coating himself in delicious, boiling hot, corn-oil. His screams fueled the screams of the other ponies around him and more panic and fear shot through the restaurant, Sombra's ominous laugh booming and reverberating through the very bones of the ponies still inside.

“While I'm at it,” Sombra said as he shot another flaming beam at a random former coworker, “You're fired!” More screams and fire.

“And you're fired!” A random customer was immolated.

“You too!” Burning pony runs across the building. Sombra was now beginning to get into igniting random ponies for his own perverse pleasure as he began to do a little dance he saw Dinky perform once. A rendition of some dance performed by a demon llama emperor.

“You're all fired!!!!!!!!1111!!!!111” Sombra shouted as he shot a concentrated beam of fire magic across the dining area igniting everything, living or not, on fire.

Outside, Pony-Burger appeared like any other normal business in Ponyville... Till it ignited into a blaze of fire similar to how a match erupts after it was stricken... And then dropped into vat of highly volatile liquid.

Later that evening at the Hooves house

The sun had already began to to set and the work day for all, but the hardest working ponies, was beginning to finally wind down. Sombra paced back and forth at the front door of the Hooves' home, a bouquet of spring flowers held in his green magic. Flowers that he had ~~stolen, robbed, mugged~~, procured from a wandering half-wit with an hourglass cutie mark. He no longer wore his Pony-burger uniform, but was still somewhat 'smokey'.

“Will she be mad? It's been over a week now that I haven't been able to hold onto a job. I'm sure I can no longer avoid death by hanging. Indeed, recently I've been able to see the blood-lust in her walled-eyes. The eyes of a predator waiting for its prey to make a mistake. How cunning, yet I must stand firm. No matter, I shall simply go in there and demand she hear me out. I'll say that I've haven't been given a fair chance that and that death is to harsh a punishment for somepony of my status. If she doesn't listen to me I'll simply force a hostile takeover of the whole house. YES, brilliant Sombra! Though that will mean I will have to go without her sandwiches and muffins. Hmm, maybe compromise is best in this situation. Not too be merciful, but for sandwiches and muffins.” With that last thought Sombra boldly opened the door to the two-story home.

“Derpy, I demand you hear my case.” Sombra demanded, but was answered by a gray blur that tackled him to the ground and began to grapple his neck. Strangely enough, Sombra found the death strangle lacking in 'death strangling'.

“Oh Sombra, I was so worried about you. I heard there was an accident at your work place.” Derpy muffled voice sounded in the confused king's ear.

“Yeah, there was a fire and...”

“A fire!” Derpy pulled away from Sombra, her face a mishmash of worry and concern, stood up and asked, “Sweet Celestia, are you OK?”

“Of course I'm fine, though I can't say the same about some of the other ponies there.”

Though still expressing concern, Derpy allowed herself to breath a sign of relief, “I'm just glad you're not hurt. Are those for me?” She asked, having spotted the flowers.

“Oh, yes,” Sombra replied as he passed the flowers to the blonde mare, “You see Derpy, I think it's unfair...”

“Oh my gosh! They smell like blueberry muffins.”

“Well yes, I didn't like the way they smelled so I cast a simple smell changing spell. Now as I was saying.”

“A smell changing spell? You unicorns and your spells. Did you attend Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns or something?”

“No, now as I was saying...” Sombra's brain suddenly did a double-take as he took in Derpy's words. “Celestia doesn't have a school. The only advanced magical school in Equestria is Sombra's Academy for the Sadistically Elite.”

Derpy smiled, a cute, but naïve smile that said she didn't quite understand what he was talking about again. “Did you have that dream where you're the dethroned king of the Crystal Empire again?”

“It's not a dream!” Sombra spat out before thinking, “Damn you Celestia, stealing not only my throne, but my school too.”

“That's OK. I'm just glad you're safe today. Come on, Dinky's hungry because we didn't want to eat dinner without you.”

“You waited on me to get home before you ate dinner?”

“Correction, Mom didn't want to eat dinner without you. I suggested we save you a doggie bag.” Dinky's voice rang out from the dining room.

Derpy gave a mild laugh of embarrassment at Dinky's outburst before she replied, “Well yeah. In this house we eat as a family and you're part of that family now Mr. Sombra.”

“Oh,” Sombra said, clearly unsure on how to act or feel, “That's very kind of you I guess.” The former king casually closed the door behind him as he followed the gray pegasus into the dining room as if he was in a daze. As he took his usual seat at the table he took note that a plate and cup had indeed been setup for him. A place that was his. It was a strange feeling to suddenly have something again. After losing everything he had ever worked for, in this small house, far away from his original home he found a place. A seat that was “his”. Sombra didn't know what to tomorrow would bring and he was starting to doubt his plans for taking over Equestria, but for now, at least at this very moment...

He was home.

End Chapter 6

Author's Note

Oh wow, an update. After all this time. I still need to update other stories now too, but that depends on how much time I have after I'm done with school work. Maybe if I cut back on my porn downloads, whatever. Enjoy and comment if you like it. I'll see if I can at least get an update out every two weeks, ever month at the least. Not sure what else to say.

Phase 03: I'm Really Starting to Hate it Here

Sombra's new room was quaint. There were few other words one could use to describe it. It was sparsely furnished with little more than a dresser and bed. A lone and forgotten brown suit, wrapped in plastic to protect it from moths, hung forgotten in the closet. Sombra cared not for who it belonged to. A single window facing east allowed for the cool night air to flow through and chill the once proud king with soothing refreshment. It was very different from the biting cold of the darkness he was so accustomed too.

He briefly walked around the room inspecting it for danger. There were few places an assassin could hide in such a small room, but assassins only needed to be successful once to end your life. Once content that there was no danger the dark unicorn allowed himself to relax. With a heavy thud he dropped his magical saddle bags on the wooden floor before taking a seat on the side of the bed.

“I had forgotten how soft beds were.” He said in a mild jest as he lightly bounced on the bed to test it's springiness.

With a kick, fumble and the heavy clang of metal Sombra began the arduous process of stripping off his armor barding. At one point in time he had slaves that assisted him in doing so, but by oneself it was a tedious process. None the less it was the sacrifice one took for the added protection of magical steel. Finally he carefully levitated his crown to the nearby desk.

Naked and vulnerable, the king slowly stretched out onto his new bed. Despite how tired he was he allowed himself a brief moment to fully acknowledge that which he had been denied for so many, many years. The softness of the bed as it gently embraced his form, the smoothness of the sheets as they passed over his hooves, the smell of clean crisp sheets with the hint of lemon and muffin. He took it all in as he fell back into the bed.

“It's good to be alive again.” He said with a cold smile. “Those damn ponies really don't know how good they have it. Spending a thousand years as a literal shadow of yourself makes you appreciate the little things.”

With a yawn and a minor burst a magic he snuffed out the lights of the room and allowed himself to be enveloped by the night shadows. They were warm compared to the darkness he was accustomed too and with the warmth of the blanket to assure him it was not a dream the once great king found himself easily falling asleep.

Sombra was not aware of how long he had been asleep, but something had momentary disturbed him. It stirred ever so slightly at his conscious, like an annoying blue fairy that need to be crushed. Not even bothering to open his eyes he reluctantly pushed out a bit of magic across the room. Nothing seemed to stand out as dangerous to his magical senses though.

“Must of been a false alarm.” He groggy mumbled as he pulled a nearby pillow closer to his chest. A smile spread across his face as the warmth of the pillow spread out through his body. He unconsciously pulled it closer till he could finally smell the lingering muffin scent that seemed to permeate everything in this house. “Smells like hazelnut muffins.” He mumbled.

“It's my shampoo.” The pillow answered as it shifted positions in his hooves. Sombra's eyes shot open at this as he suddenly realized the pillow he was hugging was none other than that ridiculous blond mare, Dippy... no it was...

“Derpy!” Sombra half shouted at the half asleep mare in his forelegs. The blond pegasus stirred ever so slightly before finally turning over towards him as her mane cascaded ever so slightly across her face.

“Mr. Sombra, what are you doing in my bedroom?” She finally asked in between a yawn.

“Your bedroom? You're in my bedroom!” Sombra hissed back.

Derpy stared back at him. Her crossed eyes blinked several times as if she did not understand the very words he had just spoken.

“Huh?” She finally answered as she lifted her head up and looked around the room. “Hey, this isn't my bedroom.”

“That's what I've been trying to tell you.” Sombra growled as he slapped his hoof to his face.

It took several painfully long seconds as Derpy processed all this new information before she finally answered back with a bright smile, “Sorry about that Mr. Sombra. I must of walked in here by accident after my midnight muffin snack.”

With that she casually got out of his bed and walked out the room, obvious to the awkward situation she had created. Sombra sat in silence for a moment as he listened, unsure if this was the last of this strange event flag.

“Mom, you're in my bed again.” Came the high pitched voice of the unicorn filly named Dinky.

“I got the wrong room again?” Derpy whined, “Who keeps moving my room?”

“Something tells me I'm really going to hate my time here.” Sombra lamented as he fortified himself for the terrors and trials that awaited him in the morning.

Morning

“Bye Mom!” Dinky cried out as she dashed out the door to school.

“Bye my little Muffin! Take care!” Derpy shouted back from the front door as she watched her daughter hurry out.

“School huh? Personally I think fillies should be getting first hoof experience using a pickax, but that's just me.” Sombra murmured to himself as he finished his breakfast of coffee and muffins.

With a smile and a skip to her step Derpy entered the dining room and took a seat across from Sombra. She took a muffin from pile in the center and began to happily nibble on it. Several seconds of silence past before the gray mare finally looked at Sombra and, following several blinks of confusion, asked,

“Who are you?”

The question may have been a hoof to the face as it had the same affect of knocking the former king off his chair in shock. As he crawled back into his chair he glared at the pegasus across from him.

“I'm Sombra. You rented me a room just yesterday, remember!” He shouted.

“Oh, that's right? Sorry, I didn't recognize you without your blanket thingy.” She admitted with a smile as she went back to her muffin.

Sombra inspected his body in confusion. Due to the warmer weather of Ponyville he had chosen not to wear his royal cape.

“Are you referring to my enchanted Cape of the Nine?”

“Yeah, that thing.” She answered without much thought.

“I'll have you know that that blanket thingy is made of 100% real dark-spider silk and has been enchanted by some of the most powerful magics in the Crystal Kingdom.” He boosted

The derp-eyed mare seemed to have little interest in his words though as she continued eating.

“Not only does it protect one from the biting cold of the northern wastes, but provides magical resistance to all but the most powerful of unicorn magics and it's stain resistant.” The fallen king continued in an effort to impress the gray mare, who clearly did not understand the greatness of his wardrobe. Though despite his best efforts to glorify his glorious cape she she continued to look elsewhere.

“At least look at me when I'm talking to you!” Sombra finally shouted.

“I AM looking at you.” Derpy shouted back, though her wandering eyes made it hard to tell. “You just kept talking and I didn't know what to say, but I get it now. Your blanket thingy is important to you.”

“It is not a blanket thingy! For crying out loud, that cape practically washes itself with the blood of your enemies.” Sombra said with a slam of his hoof to emphasis his point.

“Well that's good to know, because with that temper of yours you'll be doing your own laundry mister.” Derpy scolded. “Now if you stop your crying I have some information to help you on your job hunt. As a mailmare I know a lot about the Ponyville and I just so happen to know of several places that are hiring. They'll be good places to start your search.” Derpy advised as she handed the dark unicorn a sheet of paper with several addresses on it.

As Sombra read the paper Derpy whisked through the house to gather her things at a pace that only a seasoned working mom could do.

“Now don't dally here too long Sombra. You don't want to waste the day doing nothing now do you? I made you a sack lunch and remember, if the first few jobs don't work out don't lose faith. Just keep trying.” She said as if she was on autopilot as she reached out to adjust his tie only to find herself grabbing air.

“Huh? Where's your tie?” She asked the unicorn with a confused expression.

“What the hell is a tie?” Sombra replied, perplexed as to why the blonde mare was invading his personal space.

“That's no good. You can't go to work without a tie.” She declared before she flew off upstairs. Sombra, for the most part, ignored Derpy's antics as he returned to the paper as attempted to gleam some information about the type of business each was based off their names.

His guard was lowered though. He had already dismissed Derpy as a non-threat so he cursed himself as the cloth garrotte wrapped around his neck and began to tighten. Of course she would be an assassin. Sombra cursed his stupidity. No pony was this kind to you without reason unless they planned on killing you! Curse you Celestia and your forethought. Well if you thought I would just lay back and die you're wrong. He felt the pressure of the garrote ease up.

“Amateur!” Sombra thought as he easily broke from the mare's death grip and spun around to face his would be murderer.

Derpy looked a bit embarrassed, “I'm sorry. Did I startle you?”

At this Sombra looked at the assassination tool still wrapped around his neck. “This isn't a garrote.”

Derpy's brow raised, befuddled. “Garrote? It's a tie, silly. Oh, that's right! You're foreign so you probably don't know what a tie is. You see a tie is what a stallion wears when he goes to work. This one belonged to my late husband, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind you borrowing it for today.” She said as she stepped forward and adjusted the article of clothing a bit. A soft and sadden look of nostalgia glistened in her eyes as she stepped back to examine her work. “There, you look very handsome.”

Baffled, Sombra examined the “tie” as it was called. He figured the mare's eyesight must also affect her judgment of style for only an idiot would like this tacky fashion disaster of floating inkblots.

Derpy gave Sombra an encouraging smile as she rubbed her eyes. “I'm sure you'll do great out there.” she said before she rushed out the door without so much as a word.

Sombra continued to exam her gift and though her actions did perplex the king the implications of giving him a tie sent shivers down his spine. “A society that bestows nooses to their male working force, perhaps in an attempt to instill psychological terror in them and constantly remind them of the ritualistic suicide they must commit should they fail. That would explain the over abundance of females in this town.”

A grin spread across Sombra's face, “It would seem that despite the peaceful nature they try to convey, Equestria has quite the macabre culture.”

End chapter 4

Author's Note

Sorry for the long wait. Things happen. For those of you who have supported this story so far, thank you. I know it's a short chapter, but do enjoy it while I rush to try to catch up with the rest of my work.

I'm also looking for editors so do pm if you're interested and think you can tolerate me. Feel free to bother me on my facebook page too at /juggalemalice.