Top Gear: The Worst Diplomats in the World

Chapters

VIPs
The Challenge
Be Sneaky
Barter (Part 2)
Barter (Part 3)
Knowledge, Once Gained...
Whiter Pastures
Ponyville's Premier Postmare
Heads in the Clouds
Where Your Fears and Horrors Come True
Barter (Part 1)

VIPs

October 14th 2015. Universally accepted as simultaneously the greatest, most incredibly strange day in the history of humankind. A seemingly normal Wednesday morning that turned into the greatest political, scientific and sociological event ever known. The day that Man first made contact with another sapient race. A day that will be remembered vividly by every person on earth who lived to see it. All of the most important and influential people on earth, united with a common purpose; to represent a unified earth, and all the best that humanity had to offer.

"Your Majesty, the conference is about to convene. The Prime Minister is in attendance, as are most of the other world leaders." The Head of Security spoke calmly, his demeanour reflecting the years of mental and physical training that had steeled him against all distraction.

The elderly figure rose from her seat, her gloved hand trembling for only a moment in anticipation. Queen Elizabeth had reigned over her country for over sixty years, and was very infrequently taken by surprise. The knowledge though, that she was soon to treat with extraterrestrial life forms, Diarchs of their nation among them, WAS something new. A faint smile touched her lips. It would be good to exchange pleasantries with royalty outside of the family for once.

President Obama did not acknowledge the media attention as he disembarked Air Force One that morning. The flight had not been particularly rough, but still something had turned in his stomach the whole journey, and he had not managed a wink of sleep. A winkle of doubt wormed its way into his mind as he was nearly blinded by the flash of cameras, but was immediately dispelled.

'At least Romney didn't win the election' he thought, trying hard to keep the amusement from showing on his face. 'I'm not entirely convinced his foreign policy would be quite up to this particular task'.

"Your Majesties, your escort is ready and the portal is stabilised" Shining Armor saluted as he addressed his rulers. "Shall we proceed to the conference?"

Princess Celestia inclined her head, a cool diplomatic mask shrouding her true emotions. "We shall. Are you fully prepared Sister?"

"We are prepared." Slipping easily into old habits at the gravity of the imminent proceedings, Princess Luna twitched a little in annoyance. It had been months since her last slip.

"And what of the ambassadors?" Celestia enquired, ignoring her sister's momentary lapse.

"The griffin, dragon and zebra envoys are preparing to depart at any moment" replied Shining Armor.

"Very good. Let us engage in diplomacy."

"CLARKSON!" Richard Hammond was considered by many a loud man for his size. Still, this particular outcry was something special. James May watched on in amusement as the small man stomped out of the garage, monkey wrench in hand and screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs.

"The producers wanted him for a moment, you can murder him when he gets out" James said calmly, sipping from a cup of tea as he unfolded the newspaper. "How about these aliens, eh?"

"You! Did you have anything to do with this?" Hammond's face screwed up in petulant rage, advancing on James, weapon outstretched.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course you don't." Richard might have continued, but at that moment, the arrival of a certain buffoon attracted the entirety of his attention.

"You." The amount of rage that went into that one syllable was palpable.

"Yeah, me, look guys, we might have a bit of an issue here" Clarkson said, clearly disregarding his impending death.

"You did this."

"Yeah, look, I know you're mad, but this is more important than..."

"YOU PAINTED MY LAND ROVER PINK!" By now, Hammond's face had gone a bright red, and spittle was flying in all directions.

"And I'll let you bash me with a wrench after I tell you both something important. The producers just gave me our next challenge."

"And?" James asked, now mildly interested in the proceedings.

"And we're all fucked." Jeremy replied, handing over a gold envelope.

James took a moment to read the paper. Then he took another, longer moment to reread it, just to make certain that he hadn't missed the great big JOKE that should have been written somewhere amongst the insanity that was their newest challenge.

"Cock."

The Challenge

"So remind me exactly what we're doing in the middle of a military exclusion zone at night again?" Hammond's mood had remained at a low all day, as thoughts of his defaced Land Rover had never strayed far from his mind.

The three men were currently squatting in a ditch, some four miles from the site of the 'anomaly' as it had come to be known. Even at such a distance, the portal could be made out, a long line of light that rose into the sky on the horizon.

"The producers are going to drop off the cars that we chose here, after which we need to make our way through the portal and complete a set of challenges like any other road trip we've been on, but with more extra-terrestrial life forms that may want to eat our brains" Jeremy supplied helpfully.

"What I really want to know" said James "Is why, of all the places in the entire world, a portal to an alternate dimension opened in Dorset."

The arrival of a small convoy interrupted their musings however, as four cars crested the top of a nearby hill.

Coming to a halt in front of the small group, men in white coats jumped out of the first three cars, and into the back of a Ford F250, which appeared to be the camera crew's selected mode of transportation. As the men jumped into the tray, one seized a large camera and paced towards them.

"Alright then, let's see what we've got" James said brightly. "Obviously, as the most intelligent one of us, I went with something practical and rugged." The impeccably dressed man strode over to a black jeep parked several metres away.

Jeremy coughed loudly into his fist, earning glares from James and the camera crews, who cast anxious looks at the countryside around them.

"Anyway, I chose this car, the 2012 Jeep Wrangler. A good, sensible off-road choice; 3.6 litre V6, 285 horsepower and a tried and tested design. This car is perfect for the challenges I think we'll be facing. What about you Hammond?"

Hammond's mouth had been stuck in the wide open position since the second car had come into sight. Only now did he close it to glare at Clarkson.

"This is my Land Rover." The pink behemoth was unmistakeable, the horrible paint job practically assaulted their eyes.

"Oh good!" Jeremy exclaimed. "When you're going into the unknown it's always good to have a car you know personally and can..."

"Shut up" said Hammond "I asked for a different model."

"Maybe they misheard you?" Jeremy suggested, a shit-eating grin covering his face.

"If you mention this even one more..."

"Shutting up" said Jeremy, who had by now realised that silence may be his best and only defense. "Besides, it's time to behold the greatness that is my own car for this trip."

"I was wondering when we were going to get to that" said James, a grin of his own covering his face.

"Well what's wrong with it?"

"Absolutely nothing, the Aston Martin Vantage V8 is an excellent car" James said, his smile not diminishing. "There's only one problem."

"And what would that be?" Clarkson enquired exasperatedly.

"Well, what are you going to drive it on?" asked Hammond, who had by now understood the situation, and started to smile himself.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's no roads in Equestria" said James "From what we understand, cobblestones are as close as they get, and that's only in the cities."

Clarkson stopped and stared at the £100,000 sports car with a frown on his face.

"Cock."

"Anyway" said Hammond, much happier now. "Let's get... huh." One of the white coated men had jumped out of the truck and handed him an envelope. Raising an eyebrow, Richard opened the envelope, removed the letter and began to read.

"Now that you have all received your cars, you should make your way into Equestria. Just be aware that this may not be so easy." Pausing, Hammond looked at Clarkson and Jeremy, who both shrugged, before continuing.

"The area you will be travelling through is highly guarded. You will need to employ all of your driving skills to ensure that you are not spotted before you enter the portal. Hopefully you have chosen cars suitable for sneaking around the countryside in." Wincing, Hammond glanced over at the hot-pink Land Rover, which seemed to actually give off light in the almost pitch blackness.

"The portal, fortunately, is over two miles in length, but is patrolled heavily, and located in an area of flat, clear land used primarily for farming. Should you be spotted we've left something for you on your back seats which should..." Hammond's voice faded away as he stared down at the letter in his hands.

"What? What do we do if we're spotted?" asked James.

Hammond dashed to his car, opening the rear door with a groan as he glimpsed the bundle inside. Reaching in, he pulled out a heavy black vest and helmet.

"Wha... They're not going to shoot us are they?" asked James faintly. "This is Iraq all over again." He walked over to his Jeep and pulled out a vest of his own, putting it on reluctantly.

Jeremy started to walk over to his Aston Martin, but stopped halfway, a horrified expression on his face.

"Guys."

"What?" The other two asked crankily, pulling their helmets over their heads.

"I don't have back seats. The Vantage is a two-seater."

"Well that sucks for you then doesn't it" said Hammond with a smirk. "Right then, no sense in wasting time."

"Absolutely" agreed James.

"What's our action plan?"

"I think we should find our way through separately, that way if one of us gets spotted, the others can use the distraction to make it through without being shot." said James

"Sounds good, here, I've got a map..." Hammond pulled a small square of folded paper from his glove-box and continued his discussion with James, gesturing animatedly as he did so.

"Guys?" Clarkson was by now, looking rather ill.

"So that leaves Clarkson taking the middle route..."

"Wait what?"

"Alright then, I'll be seeing you both on the other side."

"Don't die" added James as the two of them climbed into their respective cars and rumbled off in different directions.

Clarkson stood there for a moment, the stiff breeze the only source of sound as it rustled the leaves of trees and whipped past his head. A moment was taken reflecting on the fragility of life before the balding gentleman turned to look at his Aston.

"Oh for fuck's sake."

Be Sneaky

"Sneaky, got to be... sneaky." Hammond muttered to himself as his bright pink Land Rover crept through one of the few densely wooded tracks within range of the portal. As the woods receded from the sides of the path, the short driver panicked at the sight of a huge military compound. The densely packed collection of demountable buildings was barely five hundred metres away, about halfway between the edge of the woods and the portal, a well lit area with floodlights illuminating the ground the whole distance.

Throwing the car into reverse, Richard pulled back into the cover of the woods and pressed his head against the wheel, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the headache he had been cultivating over the past hour of 'sneaking'.

"I'm going to get shot" he muttered despondently as he turned the car around to look for a different way around.

Clarkson had been having similar problems. For the past half hour (The rest of the time had been spent searching frantically, and ultimately fruitlessly for a Kevlar vest of his own) he had been creeping in and out of ditches and gullies, and he was at his wit's end. The suspension on the high-end sports car was bruising his ass, he was terrified that he was soon to be shot, and he'd made absolutely no progress whatsoever.

"Right" he said firmly. "I'm going to need a road."

James sighed. While the tea was quite good, the conversation overall had been rather uninteresting. The aging General was an avid viewer of the program, but he knew next to nothing about cars in general and was instead talking enthusiastically about his 'conquests', both on the battlefield and in the bedroom, neither of which were of particular interest to May.

To almost any other man, driving slowly into a military compound that you were trying to bypass might have seemed a bad idea, but so far it seemed to have worked in James's favor. He had worked his way through the rings of security via conversations much like the one he was having now. It just seemed strange to him that on the eve of such a monumental moment in human history, all these people could talk about was themselves.

Carefully suppressing a yawn, May's thoughts turned idly to his comrades and their well-being. He hadn't heard any sirens or the rallying of troops, so perhaps they had been successful in sneaking through. Or maybe they had simply given up.

"POWER!!"

The roar of the V8 engine as it sped past shook the walls of the demountable building. Suddenly invigorated, James rose from the table to the surprise of the eccentric General.

"Very nice to meet you sir, but I have to go and murder a complete and utter pillock."

"Feel the speed!" screamed Clarkson, shifting up a gear and flooring the accelerator. Somehow, the confusion generated by a very loud sports car being driven by an even louder man had given him enough time to cover a substantial amount of ground. Even now, as troop carriers pulled out of the base, the powerful V8 put more and more distance between them, the bright light of the portal growing brighter and brighter until his car was enveloped, disappearing completely from sight.

"Clarkson you imbecile!" James yelled as he frantically sped towards the portal, trying to pull away from his heavily armed, highly trained military pursuers. Sadly, the Jeep was quickly losing ground to the troop carriers as Captain Slow fully lived up to his name. James could see the glint of cold metal reflected in the dim moonlight, could make out the rifles bristling from the vehicles as they came closer and closer... and then slowed abruptly to a crawl. Confused, and more than a little relieved that he'd had no need to test his bullet-proof vest, James followed his fellow television host and disappeared into the light.

Five hundred meters away, an aging gentleman smiled. Laying down the radio and collapsing into a leather armchair with an indulgent sigh, General Melchett smiled slightly as he lit his cigar.

"I'm expecting a good show from you three m'boy. A good show indeed."

"I've got to be subtle, got to stay calm, got to think this through." Hamster was having a bad time. Unable to commit to any route in particular, he had spent the last ten minutes parked in a ditch hyperventilating while alarm bells sounded and troops mobilized across the countryside.

"Why pink?" he whispered softly, hanging his head in despondence. "Why did it have to be pink?"

"Well I must say that this 'Equestria' place seems rather pleasant so far" James remarked cheerfully. A polar opposite of the dark, windy night in Dorset, the mid morning sun that they had greeted them on their arrival had come as a pleasant surprise.

The two men had unpacked a small set of folding chairs and table that they had discovered in the back of the Jeep, and set up camp atop a grassy hill overlooking a small village. With a grunt of admittance, Clarkson frowned a little as something occurred to him.

"What should we do if Hammond does die back there?" the taller man asked nonchalantly.

"Well, I suppose we'd have to go on without him," James replied evenly leaning back in comfort as he enjoyed the warm rays.

A bright flash of light from the nearby portal interrupted their musings however, as a bright pink Land Rover came rocketing through the wall of light, closely followed by the Camera crew in their own car. As the two cars rolled to a stop near the makeshift camp, a familiar brown haired man stumbled from the driver's seat of the Rover.

"Clarkson, I am going to murder you." Hammond spoke slowly, his left eye twitching slightly as he neared the pair of reclining men.

"What? They didn't shoot you, it's all fine" Clarkson stated with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Didn't shoo... Look at my Windscreen and tell me that again!"

"Wait, what?" James asked, shocked. Standing up and walking over to the Land Rover, he reeled a little in surprise at the sight of two neat holes at around average head-height on the drivers side. Looking back at Hammond incredulously, he made to ask, but was suddenly cut off by the small man.

"For the first time in my life I'm really glad that I ended up so short" Hammond answered the unworded question with a serious look on his face.

"Ah, well at least no-one was injured" May said, strolling back to his chair and sitting down.

"Actually, the Stig was riding with the camera crew and well..." Hammond trailed off, finally attracting Clarkson's own attention.

"Wait, what happened to old Stiggy?" Jeremy asked, finally involving himself in the discussion.

"See for yourself, he's in the back."

Walking around to the camera crew's F250, the two men noticed the bullet holes and blood almost instantly. Sure enough, a quick peek into the back of the truck revealed the gruesome truth.

"Well that's just rotten luck" James said, slightly saddened by the departure of their famed racing driver.

"We were going to get a new one soon though" Jeremy replied, dragging the body out of the car. "But I can't help but wonder..." he reached down, grasping the helmet in both hands, sliding it up to reveal...

"Oh." Hammond remarked. "Well that's rather unexpected."

It was a simple ceremony. The Producers had seen fit to provide the team with some basic tools including a shovel, perhaps in case of this very eventuality. Few words were spoken, though each member of the Top Gear team did make a small speech in honor of their compatriot.

"Some say his only weakness was bullets" James began gravely.

"And that he left this world the same way he came into it." Richard added. "In a car."

"All we know is, he was called the Stig." Clarkson concluded. The three men had a moment of silence to remember the times they had shared with the mysterious Stig, and then turned away.

"Right." Clarkson said. "Now that we're in Equestria, where the bloody hell are we going from here?"

Barter (Part 2)

Twilight Sparkle was having a long day. With the news that an extra-equestrian species of highly advanced apes had been discovered, the pedantic purple pony powered through textbooks and tomes like a knife through butter, to no avail. None of her books referenced, even briefly, the species her mentor had described. Her current understanding of the creatures was currently restricted to their bipedalism and apparent technological marvel, and it seemed that further studies would need to be withheld until she could get her hooves on relevant reading material.

'Or a live specimen' she daydreamed as she set down Mythological Marvels; A Field Guide.

"Any luck Twilight? You locked yourself in your room for so long I almost thought you were dead." Her assistant's voice jolted the unicorn from her musings, and she shook her head a little to clear her thoughts.

"No Spike" she replied, downcast. "The closest I've managed to come is Minotaur creation myth, and the beings described just don't match up with Princess Celestia's description from her letter. I'm afraid we're just going to have to wait."

"Well this is nice" James commented over the radio as his Jeep rolled easily over the grassy fields, the suspension easily compensating for every potential bump. "The countryside sort of reminds me of Italy".

"Less olives though" Hammond chimed in, also relatively comfortable in his Land Rover, though he was still a bit miffed about the color scheme.

"Errmmffaargh" agreed Clarkson, who was having a decidedly worse time of things. The deceptively soft-looking grassy fields were playing havoc with the underside of his Aston, every rock and pebble felt like a boulder, and the larger man's back was quickly becoming a casualty to the cause.

"All right there Jezza?" James asked with mock concern.

"Course he is" Hammond replied cheerfully. "Clarkson can't get enough of the Vantage. I can't believe I didn't think to bring one myself." He stopped and pondered for a moment "Or maybe a Lamborghini Gallardo? We should really be showing these aliens automotive technology at its finest."

"And I can't help but noticing that he has leather interior" James said, grinning from ear to ear. "It must be absolutely luxurious to drive."

"Shut it." Clarkson grumbled, his voice shaking with his car as he passed over a particularly nasty patch of grass.

"One thing I forgot to mention to you in our last letter" Hammond said. "The producers supplied a backup car for this trip as well."

"And at this rate I might just take it." Jeremy replied hopefully. "What is it?"

"A Pontiac Aztek" Hammond managed to choke out before descending into a fit of laughter.

"Sod off and die" Clarkson groaned. "They didn't."

"They most certainly did" Hammond replied with glee.

"It's the dual suspension version. It would be more comfortable than your Aston" James added.

"I will [REDACTED BY THE BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION] until your legs fall off" Jeremy threatened, his voice grim.

"Well... that... will have to wait" Hammond interrupted, his face a little green. "Because according to that sign we just passed, we're here."

"Twilight, if you keep this up, you'll end up going straight through the floor into the basement" Spike said testily. "And I'm going to have to fix up the floor again."

Twilight looked down guiltily. It was true, her pacing had once again begun to wear grooves into the floorboards. "Sorry Spike, but I just can't stand sitting around Ponyville waiting for word on a species that..."

"Well we might as well give them a proper Top Gear greeting." Jeremy commented, his mind finally wandering from his terrible suspension and the nightmarish thought of driving that thing across an entire country.

"Clarkson..." James warned.

"For all intents and purposes we know nothing about, when I could be off on the diplomatic mission myself learning new things. I just wish that there was some way that I could meet one of them..."

"I don't think they've spotted us" Clarkson muttered as his car crept down a side street.

"Think about it Spike, two intellectuals of different worlds conversing about anything and everything!"

"Let's do this"

"I'm sure there's much we could learn from each other."

"HELLO PONYVILLE!" The sound of the V8 roared through the sleepy village as Clarkson planted his foot on the accelerator, revving the engine, and causing both Hammond and May to face-palm. The two quieter television hosts parked on either side of the Vantage and sat back to watch the drama unfold.

"What on Equis was that?" Twilight wondered aloud as she trotted over to the balcony to look down upon the street, gasping as she spotted the source of the disturbance. Three great metal beasts sat in the middle of the main road, the central one, a gleaming grey, its sleek body far removed from the rustic surrounds of the Ponyville houses was the source of the noise.

And what a noise it was. Like a threatened timberwolf, it's growling sent a shiver down the purple pony's spine. But it seemed motionless, and even as she watched, the noise stopped, and a new one took its place. Yelling, and lots of it.

"Clarkson, what the bloody hell are you thinking?" a rather posh voice called out exasperatedly. "This is an alien population center, not a Top Gear live show!"

Twilight gasped as the side of one of the metal beasts swung out, but was then struck dumb by what stepped out.

Rushing upstairs, she retrieved a quill and parchment, and began hurriedly writing, the text barely legible as her jumbled mind made a mess of the telekinesis. One sloppy letter later and she was back downstairs, panting and spluttering, parchment hovering inches away from Spike's nose.

"Send... Princess" the young mare managed to gasp out, and in a quick spurt of green flames, the letter was gone.

"Now..." she turned, parchment and quill at the ready, towards the door. "It's time for some questions... human."

Author's Note

I will say that this one wasn't as much fun as the others to write, but it's an important chapter insofar as that it sets the scene for a rather important part of the story. Next chapter we'll see the lads try their hand at spruiking their goods. Until then, I hope you like it and as always, stay classy Fimfiction.

Barter (Part 3)

"Clarkson, what the bloody hell are you thinking?" James yelled across to the tall man, who was finally content to let his engine die down to a purr. "This is an alien population center, not a Top Gear live show!"

James unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the door and stepped from the cab, his fellow television hosts doing the same. Now that they were finally here, it seemed like a scene from medieval England. Thatched cottages seemed to be the primary form of housing, but in the distance James could clearly make out a larger building in the centre of town with what appeared to be a tiled roof. And then there was the marvel of a building that stood only metres from them, one that seemed through some great feat of engineering or biology to be carved out of a live tree.

James was just beginning to ponder how such a tree could possibly live without the structural support necessary to stand under its own weight when he was interrupted rather abruptly by the appearance of yet another biological marvel. Moments after his attention had been called to the tree in question, a small door had swung open, and the three men were treated to their first glimpse of sapient non-human life.

"Oh my word" James whispered, gazing at the small, purple quadruped.

"It looks like something from one of my daughter's television shows" Richard murmured back.

"Why does it have a cock on its face?" Jeremy asked. All three men were silent for a moment before bursting into laughter.

Twilight Sparkle was confused. Here she was, about to begin the subtle art of diplomacy between races so far unknown to each other, and these three humans were acting more like foals than grown stallions. She didn't know what a 'cock' was, but whatever joke the taller one had made was obviously not suitable for a first-contact situation. Still, she swallowed her indignation and strode forward.

"Greetings humans. I bid you welcome to our town of Ponyville, and hope that..."

Richard, James and Jeremy stood stock still, their laughter dying on their lips.

"Maybe now isn't really the time for jokes" Richard said softly, as the purple unicorn made her long winded speech.

"Oh relax" Jeremy replied. "As far as I'm concerned, I'm just glad they're not the face-hugging type of alien."

"Hang on, I think it's almost done" Richard said, directing their attention back towards the pony, which had finished its greeting, and was looking expectantly back at the three humans.

"Hello" May replied, panicking. The sounds of two hands and a hoof meeting their respective faces echoed through the silent streets.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle" the pony tried again. "What is your name?"

"Well" Clarkson began before Hammond and May simultaneously shushed him.

"My name is James May, and these are my friends Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson" James took the lead, grateful that he could at least begin to salvage the situation.

"And just what is your intention in Equestria?" Twilight's eyes narrowed slightly. As great as her intellectual drive was, her friends and their safety came first.

"We're filming a..." Jeremy began before being rudely interrupted yet again.

"What my friend is trying to say, is that we bring you items and knowledge to trade, so that we may further explore your world" James replied carefully. At the mention of knowledge exchange, Twilight's pupils dilated, and the three men took a step back as one of her eyes began to twitch.

"I must know EVERYTHING" she whispered.

"Well actually, I happen to have highly accurate and comprehensive documentation of most of humanity's greatest scientific, social and historical achievements" Clarkson said, homing in like a shark on its prey. Now she had only to take the bait.

"The princess has offered me the funding to acquire any available information on your species" Twilight replied, barely keeping herself together. "Name your price."

While the most irresponsible member of their party sold hundreds of years of scientific knowledge to an alien race for personal gain, Richard and May were busy setting up shop. Stacked up on their two fold-out tables were most of their wares, though some were stowed out of sight.

"I still can't believe I have to sell a porno mag and condoms to ponies." Richard fumed, sitting behind his meager offerings. "At best, I can sell the newest in writing implements and get an alien addicted to Tim Tams, but I'm hardly going to get across the country on the profits."

James shrugged as he watched the streets for potential customers. As the men had conversed with the pony who had introduced herself as Twilight, others had become more bold. Several had approached out of curiosity, but none had been brave enough to stop and talk.

"Humans, how quaint" came a voice from James' right. A brown stallion strode forwards, the hour glass on his side clearly visible "And what is it you're selling... oh my."

"Advanced human technology from..." James started, before being cut off.

"Solar cells, how delightful. I happen to be in need of some solar-grade silicon, and I'm afraid to say that I've simply had no luck here in Equestria. I will give you twenty-five bits for two cells."

Rather taken aback, James glanced to Richard, who shrugged.

"Alright then, I suppose it's a deal" he replied, and the brown stallion smiled.

"Excellent. At last, I can begin repairs on the perception filter. You have no idea how hard it is to hide a telephone box in this world." Tucking the cells into what appeared to be thin-air, the brown stallion departed, whistling merrily.

"Ookay" James said shakily. "One sale down, one hundred and thirty six to go."

"Excuse me mister" a high pitched voice attracted James' attention, and he felt a slight tugging on his jeans. Looking down, he met the eyes of a small orange pony, accompanied by her friends, who stood back a little.

Recognising the children for what they were, James knelt, a smile on his face.

"And just what can I do for you?" he said, carefully controlling his voice to sound as non-threatening as he could.

"Um, we were wondering" the filly gestured to her friends as she spoke "well, if you sold anything fun?"

Looking over at Richard, who had a thoughtful look on his face, James shrugged.

"Well, I'm afraid that..."

"I have just the thing" Richard interrupted hastily, drawing the young pony's attention.

"What is it mister?" the young pony asked eagerly.

"This" Richard said, pulling out one of the condoms, and ignoring James' shocked look. "Is a human balloon."

"Whoa" all three fillies gasped in unison.

"Why is it all wrapped up?" the orange one asked.

"Because" Richard checked the packet, blanching. "It's strawberry flavored, and otherwise the taste wouldn't be as nice."

"Wow!" one of the other two ponies, a yellow filly with a red bow exclaimed. "I love strawberry!"

"And this one..." Richard hurriedly checked the second packet. "Is chocolate"

"Awesome!" the young orange pony chimed in. "But there's three of us, do you have any other flavors?"

Richard was just about to shake his head when James chimed in.

"Erm... yes actually" May opened his wallet and pulled out another packet, dropping it on the table.

"Cool!" the orange filly exclaimed. "But why do you have a balloon in your wallet?"

"In case of balloon emergencies" James said, straight-faced.

"I'll take all three!" the young pony said, scrambling for her bits. "I'll give you 5 bits for them."

"Done" Hammond agreed, just wanting this train wreck of a sale to be over.

As the three young ponies rushed off giggling, Hammond turned to May.

"So what flavor was that?" he asked, smirking.

James glared at him before looking away sharply. "Blueberry" he finally answered, his lip twitching upwards.

"We are so going to hell for that" Richard sighed.

Knowledge, Once Gained...

"So what you're telling me" Twilight Sparkle began, struggling to comprehend the enormity of the situation she was in. "Is that these documents contain the most important scientific discoveries of your race, a race that technologically surpasses my own in every regard."

"Yes" drawled Clarkson for the umpteenth time.

"Knowledge that includes the manufacture of weapons far surpassing our own, a comprehensive history of your world, the concepts on which you base thousands of technological marvels and the biology of your own species" she went on, skimming briefly through one of several blocks of paper.

"Yes."

"And you want to sell it. To me. A librarian."

"Yes."

"How can you be so casual about this? This knowledge could, no, WILL revolutionize Equestria. Don't you feel even the slightest bit concerned about just handing away centuries of knowledge to an alien race?"

Clarkson vaguely considered the notion. "Nah, it should be fine."

Twilight's left eye twitched slightly as she struggled to contain herself "How much do you want for it?"

Clarkson smiled.

"Well, that was strange" Hammond commented as he watched their latest customers, a mint green unicorn and a cream colored earth pony, both mares, walk away.

"Well, on the bright side, I did sell the Tim Tams" James commented, trying to hold back laughter.

"I just sold a porno mag to a unicorn" Hammond stammered weakly.

The awkward silence that threatened to form after what was, admittedly one of the strangest conversations either man had ever had was dispelled though, as the familiar form of Jeremy Clarkson approached them."

"Guys" he said in a soft, serious tone.

"What?" Hammond asked, crinkling his brow. "Didn't you manage to sell them or.."

"No" Jeremy interrupted him. "Look at this."

As Jeremy opened his hand, James and Richard craned their heads to see. Resting in the palm of the taller man's hand were three shiny gold bits.

"Oh good, three bits" James remarked dryly. "What did you do? Walk someone's dog?"

"James, this is gold" Clarkson said, his voice still low. "This will take care of all our food costs, our...

"No it won't" Hammond said, shaking his head.

"What do you mean, they're at least an ounce each" Jeremy replied, becoming more and more confused with his companion's lack of enthusiasm.

"Did you really not check the currency rates?" James asked.

"I... what do you mean?"

"I mean" James answered with a sigh. "That gold is a common element here. Those coins might buy you lunch, but they're not going to get you across the country. How much did you get for the pages?"

"Three coins" Jeremy replied darkly.

"What, per page?" Hammond asked innocently, knowing full well what the answer was going to be.

James smirked. "Don't tell me you let her read about our economy in the Wikipedia articles before you sold them to her."

Jeremy looked back in the direction of the library with a gloomy expression. "Bollocks."

As the United Nations summit went into recess for the first time in hours, the Prime Minister allowed himself a moment of peace. As he allowed the stress of the evening to dissipate, he smiled quietly. The evening had been long and wracked with tension, after all, any misinterpretation could sour humanity's relationship with the first alien species ever discovered, let alone the local issues behind the portal's appearance. As the Minister relaxed though, he allowed it all to drop away. All the speeches, all the hoof shaking, all the weirdness stopped existing for a moment as he finally had a moment of calm, quiet solitude.

"Prime Minister, I'm sorry but this is urgent."

"GEOFFRY I AM ON THE TOILET!"

"You'll still want to hear this sir." The Minister's aide's expression did not falter as the cubicle door eventually swung open and his annoyed boss strode out angrily.

"If it's not a fire then you're going to be. Fired, that is"

"There are reports of an intrusion in the Equestrian exclusion zone. Apparently someone got through."

"Jesus" The PM breathed quietly. "Do we know who is responsible?. Have they made any demands?"

"You're not going to like it sir."

Author's Note

Well that was fun. Don't worry guys, I'm not dead, I've just had trouble finding stable internet access over the last few weeks. Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to rate and comment, I like to hear what people's thought are about my work.

ONE INTERNET COOKIE FOR WHOEVER CAN FINISH THE CHAPTER NAME WITHOUT GOOGLE SEARCHING THE QUOTE!

As usual guys, thanks for reading!
Blue Tunes

Whiter Pastures

"Ma'am, are you sure that I can't interest you in..."

"This is the third time you've asked me!" the irritated pegasus mare snapped back at James. "For the last time, I don't want any of your freaky gadgets."

Watching his most recent victim trot away, May sighed and turned back to his fellow hosts with a dismayed expression.

"Something tells me we're going to be here for a while," Hammond muttered to Clarkson, who was still irate over the loss of his wikipedia articles.

"No kidding," the taller man grumbled back. "And if I have to wait in this freaky town for much longer I'll eventually snap, and we'll all be charged with murder."

"Oh, hello!" Hammond exclaimed in surprise as one of the film crew stepped out of the F250. Approaching the three costars without speaking, the man held out another small envelope, which Clarkson snatched eagerly. Like a child on Christmas morning, he ripped the envelope open with ruthless abandon and began to read the letter.

"Now that you have earned enough to get by in the magical land of Equestria, your next challenge is to transport yourselves and your cars to the nearby city of Cloudsdale, which is located a mere 15 miles North-West."

"Well that sounds easy enough." Hammond said brightly.

"Unfortunately, three of these are vertical miles, which means that your cars will need to be outfitted with the latest in unicorn magic."

"Three vertical miles?" James asked, bewildered. "But the only mountain close enough to fit the bill is North-East, not North-West."

"To reach Cloudsdale,"Jeremy continued "Your cars will need to be enchanted with a cloud-walking spell."

"Blimey," James said softly.

"Fortunately, there is one local Ponyville resident with the magical abilities required to cast such a spell..." Clarkson trailed off, his face reddening.

"Well go on then," Hammond pressed. "Who is it?"

"This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain purple librarian, would it?" James asked with a grin, figuring it out.

"Shut it." Clarkson grumbled, as the three men started back towards the huge oak tree.

"Keep calm Twilight," she muttered to herself as she watched the three humans approach the tree through her binoculars. "I'm sure they're just here to talk."

The unicorn had put a lot of thought into her, admittedly rather rude, deception since the tall human had left the library with barely enough money to buy a sandwich. Perhaps angering a member of an unknown species, a species with the capacity for extreme violence hadn't been the best of ideas. That being said, this 'Clarkson' had seemed morally inept enough that she didn't feel guilty in the slightest. Fear at the possibility of revenge though, she was more than capable of.

But Twilight Sparkle stood tall, ready to face her fate, whatever it may be. Spike, at least, had returned to bed, and would hopefully not incur the wrath of the humans. Squaring her jaw, she watched and waited as the unintelligible murmurings of soft conversations from the other side of the door became louder and louder.

"And what kind of people build a city out of clouds anyway?" Hammond complained as they closed in on the library.

"I don't care," Clarkson growled. "But I'm sure as hell going to take this opportunity to give a certain unicorn a piece of my mind." Stepping up to the entrance of the library, Jeremy swung the door open wide.

"PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!!" The purple unicorn screamed, tears spilling from her eyes as she fled upstairs, scattering books everywhere as she went.

"Boy, that escalated quickly." May muttered in the awkward silence that followed.

"Maybe it would be best if you stayed outside Jeremy." Hammond suggested, earning himself a glare from his cohost.

"Fine," Jeremy replied. "I don't think I can put up with much more of this nonsense." Stomping outside, he slammed the door shut behind him. Little did the other two know though, Jeremy had a plan.

"Bloody cock-faced unicorn thinks it can outsmart me," he grumbled as he made the trek back to the three cars. "I'll show her."

Stomping over to his Aston, Clarkson reached through the window to the passenger side foot-well, grinning as he retrieved the deceptively innocent looking can. "Now I'm glad I thought to bring this along," he chuckled evilly, before turning back around and making his way back to the library.

"Look, you're not in any trouble, we're really just after a... ugh... a spell," Hammond barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes at how ridiculous he felt asking a purple unicorn to cast a spell.

"Yes, and we were told that you'd be the one to come to." May continued, unabashed. "Clarkson went back outside, and it's not like he'd hurt you anyway."

A moment of silence reigned before Twilight's voice emerged, muffled slightly by the closet door. "Are... are you sure?"

"Yeah," Hammond replied. "Wouldn't make for very good television after all."

The closet door creaked open, the handle surrounded by an ethereal purple light. "I'll just pretend that I understood that, and take your word for it," Twilight said, her eyes casting about for signs of an ambush. "So what kind of spell is it you need anyway?"

"A cloud walking spell," James said. "We need it placed on the cars so that we can get them to Cloudsdale."

Twilight smiled a little, having seen no sign of imminent danger. "Okay, that should be easy enough. I'll do it for free, seeing as how I ripped your friend off. Sometimes I just don't think about what I'm doing where books and texts are involved." The unicorn blushed sheepishly, the guilt she felt evident in her expression.

"Sounds good," Hammond said, tilting his head towards the top of the stairs. "Shall we then?"

Downstairs, Jeremy waited until the fading voices of his two friends and the purple menace faded completely. His face still lit up by an evil grin, the tall man set off in a search of the small library. Something told him that messing with this mare's books wasn't the brightest of ideas, so he ignored the wall-to-wall bookshelves and ascended the stairs. Reaching the top, he found himself in a cozy living area, decorated generously with picture frames and other personal affects. At last though, his eyes lit upon something suitable.

"Oh yes," he sniggered.

"There we are!" Twilight exclaimed brightly. "All three of your vehicles will no longer fall through the clouds."

"Brilliant," May said. "Now I don't know about Richard, but I don't particularly feel like falling three miles myself, do you think you could cast the same spell on us, Twilight?"

"Of course!" Twilight said brightly, her horn lighting up again. "There, that should... do it?"

"I like how confident you sounded when you said that." Richard remarked.

"It's strange," Twilight commented. "I think there's something about you two that's blocking my spell. I just can't seem to target either of you." She closed her eyes in concentration, her brow furrowing. "It's like you don't exist, magically speaking."

"So what you're saying is..."

"That I can't do it." Twilight slumped in defeat. "Whatever it is, it's not letting me hone in on your signatures. As far as my magic is concerned, I'm casting at thin air."

"Gee, thanks." Hammond snapped. "So the cars will float on the clouds, but we'll fall right through?"

"Well, thinking back, the letter didn't mention us getting ourselves enchanted" James supplied helpfully. "Just the cars. I suppose that now isn't a good time to mention that I'm scared of heights."

James was prevented from complaining further however by the sudden arrival of Jeremy, who, to everyone's surprise, completely ignored the purple unicorn, instead only looking inquisitively at his fellow presenters.

"What's going on then chaps?" he asked pleasantly.

"Well, we've got the cars enchanted," James began. "But we've hit a slight snag."

"And what's that then?"

"If you try to get out of your car you will fall through the clouds and die, because the spell won't work on us."

"Stay in the car, got it. Anything else?"

Richard and James glanced at each other. Jeremy was suspiciously calm and collected, and the two men knew that something was up. Twilight however, broke the silence first.

"Um, yes actually..." her voice trailed off in embarrassment, and she shuffled her hooves slightly as her horn lit up. A large coin purse materialised with a small pop, and floated over to Jeremy. "I'm sorry I cheated you, I don't know what came over me. There's around a thousand hundred bits in here, it's all I have around the library for emergencies, and it's still probably not enough for the information you gave me. I just hope that you'll forgive me." Her voice trailed off, and she developed a sudden interest in the dirt between her hooves.

Jeremy grinned and accepted the coin pouch eagerly, stuffing it immediately into his jacket pocket. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me," he said casually, opening the drivers side door of his Aston and sliding in with all the grace of a sack of potatoes being tossed down stairs.

"What do you mean by tha-" Twilight began to ask curiously. Hammond, sensing that it was time to move on, cut her off.

"Now which way did you say it was to Cloudsdale again?" he asked, praying that his sudden change of topic would be successful.

Fortunately, Twilight paid Clarkson no more mind as she answered. "If you were going up by yourselves, the quickest way would be hot-air balloon, but because you're taking carriages-"

"Cars," all three humans interrupted simultaneously.

"Cars then..." Twilight rolled her eyes. "You'll need to find some pegasi to take you up."

"Okay, by 'take us up' you mean what exactly?" Jeremy asked, popping his head out of the window, confused.

"Oh, they'll pull your wagons..." Twilight was amused to see all three men flinch at the term "to Cloudsdale themselves."

"You can't be serious." James said, unconvinced. "That Jeep weighs two tons, how the hell are some winged ponies going to carry it three miles into the air? It makes no sense whatsoever."

"Pegasi can pull just about anything with a cloud-walking spell on it." Twilight explained, enjoying the flabbergasted look on May's face as he struggled to understand the physics behind such a thing. "It stems from their natural ability to manipulate the clouds themselves."

"Magnets, gotcha." Richard said, smiling.

"It's not magnets!" Twilight snorted. "It's a highly complex series of biological and thaumatic processes which..."

"Anyway," Jeremy cut in. "Where exactly can we find pegasi who would be willing to carry us up to Cloudsdale?"

"Well, the post office will do it for a small fee," Twilight replied. "They're in the West side of town, on the main road. Just... go easy on her, okay?"

"Who?" Hammond asked.

"The mailmare can be a little... scatterbrained," Twilight explained. "But she really is a nice mare, so don't you go picking on her!"

"Yeah, whatever," Jeremy said, plainly keen to leave. "Thanks for the help, and good luck with the nuclear fission." He turned his head towards his companions, who were also climbing into their cars. "Gentlemen, shall we?"

Bidding one last farewell to Twilight, the three humans started up their engines and pulled away, leaving a trail of dust in their wake. Twilight shrugged and trotted back to the library.

On opening the door though, she was met with a highly unusual sight.

"Twilight?" Spike asked, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing at all" Twilight stammered, staring at her assistant, her attempt at a poker face failing miserably. Spike raised his eyebrows, but let it drop as it became apparent that she wasn't going to say anything.

"Whatever," the young dragon said, yawning. "I'm gonna go wash up." Humming merrily himself, the dragon padded his way over to the bathroom. Twilight waited. One second. Two seconds.

"OH SWEET CELESTIA TWILIGHT, WHY AM I PINK!?"

Author's Note

Well this one was actually really fun to write. I have a feeling that you guys will like my idea for the next chapter as well. Just remember that comments are my crack, so if you like the story, let me know why, and if you don't then tell me what I can do to make it better.

Stay cool bronies
Blues

Ponyville's Premier Postmare

"So... this is nice," Hammond muttered sarcastically as the three wise men beheld the Ponyville Postal Service.

The building had once resembled its peers, he was fairly sure of that. But where the other thatched-roof cottages and hovels had a quaint, medieval sense of homeliness about them, this building just looked...

"Wow..." James commented.

The Post Office looked, quite literally, like a bomb had gone off. Several beams of wood jutted from the structure at odd angles, evidence of some cataclysmic event that had also claimed much of the wall and most of the roof on the West side of the building. At odd intervals, evidence of further mishaps in the forms of scrapes, holes, cracks and even burn marks littered the exterior of the office.

"This place needs to be condemned." Jeremy murmured, as the three picked their way through the rubble to the front of the building. Sighing, he lightly pushed at the door, only to grimace as it came completely off its hinges like a white man on bath salts.

"Oops," came a bright giggle from inside. "Sorry, I really need to get that fixed."

Peering inside the small, brightly lit office, Richard blinked in confusion. Apart from the additional ventilation that resulted from having a hole the size of a small pony in the wall, the post office was immaculately well kept. Tasteful modern art hung from the walls, mahogany desks and comfortable looking lounges occupied the waiting room and there was not a speck of dust anywhere to be found.

"Blimey." James said in confusion.

"Blimey? What's a blimey?" That bright giggle sounded out again, and the three men managed to get over their mental shock and turn their attention towards it's owner.

The mail clerk was a young pegasus mare, grey, with yellow mane and tail. All of this was noted by Richard, but as he paid more attention, he noticed something else. Something a little strange.

"Which one of us is she looking at?" Hammond whispered.

"I... I'm not sure" James muttered back.

The young mare seemed to notice their hesitation, and for a split second, her ears splayed in disappointment and hurt. That brief moment of sadness was as a hammer blow to the three men. A kicked puppy couldn't have pulled off a more heart-rending sight, and if the lads knew anything, it was that this mare was off limits.

"Um, sorry Miss... uh..." Richard quickly pulled himself together and checked the name badge proudly clipped onto the front of the mail mare's uniform. "... Ditzy Doo?"

The grey pegasus giggled, all hurt seemingly forgotten. "That's my name! Well, one of them anyway..."

"One of your names?" Richard asked, bemused.

"Hey! Derpy!" A burly, red pegasus stallion stomped into the office from a back room, a despondent young unicorn filly in tow, and irritation plain on his face. "If you can't keep your daughter under control and out of staff areas..."

"Derpy?" James muttered to himself, indignation rising.

Noticing the three humans for the first time, the stallion trailed off. "Eh, customers? Fine, deal with this and we'll have a chat later." Tramping back through the door form which he'd arrived, the red stallion swept a wing, slamming it behind him.

Ditzy rushed immediately over to the young filly, trying desperately to comfort her as tears began to drip down her daughter's face.

"Mommy, Mr Package was being mean again" she sniffed, nuzzling into her mother as her sniffling threatened to turn into a full on breakdown.

"Oh Dinky" Ditzy said softly. "I know it's not fair. But mommy needs you to stay out of the sorting room." The grey pegasus draped a soft wing over her daughter as Dinky shook with tears.

"But I'm good at sorting! It's the only thing I am any good at!" Dinky cried. "I just want to be like you mommy..."

"I know Muffin." Ditzy said softly. "But right now I need you to stay out of the back rooms. Why don't you go and play with some of the toys in the waiting room?"

"But I've already played with them all before!" Dinky huffed, pouting as her tears started to dry up.

"Do it for Mommy?" Ditzy asked desperately.

Dinky considered this, before sighing. "Ok..."

Ditzy gave her daughter one last nuzzle before turning her attention back to the three humans as Dinky left.

"Oh, um, sorry about that..." she started, before Richard cut her off.

"Wait, what did he just call you?" he asked, indignant.

"Oh, don't worry about that." Ditzy said, flustered. "It's my fault, I get so clumsy sometimes. I just don't know what goes wrong, but accidents follow me around." Ditzy smiled, but the expression was obviously forced. "Small Package gave me a job when nopony else would."

The grey mare paused in confusion as Richard and James struggled to contain their laughter. Jeremy was unable to stop himself, and burst out, startling the pegasus, who gave them all an odd look.

"Sm... Small Package?" James asked, spluttering. "Is that his actual name?"

Upon acknowledgement that the men had not simply misheard her, Richard, Clarkson and May tried valiantly to pull themselves back together.

"Anyway..." Ditzy said, getting things back on topic. "What did you guys need? Do you have letters that need sending?"

"Erm, no." Hammond replied. "Actually we need a team of pegasi to take our vehicles up to Cloudsdale." He frowned. "Wow, I can't believe I just said that."

"Oh!" Ditzy exclaimed, her bubbly personality back in force. "Well that's fine too! How many carriages did you say there were?"

"Three." Richard said, rubbing his temples. "And they're not carriages, they're cars."

"So you three are from Earth then!" Ditzy exclaimed, much to the surprise of the humans.

"How... did you know that?" Richard asked slowly. Immediately, Ditzy's eyes widened.

"Oops, sorry, forget I mentioned that," she giggled. "Topsy turvey spacey wacey... stuff. The Doctor would get mad at me if I told you." Humming to herself, the mare turned towards the 'employees only' door.

"I'll be right back with some pegasi to take you up." she said, disappearing into the back.

"Topsy turvey spacey wacey... stuff? Knowing about cars?" Richard muttered. "The Doctor? You don't think..."

"No." Jeremy said, before Richard had time to ask.

"But what if she meant..."

"No, no, no." Jeremy was having none of it. "Drop it Richard."

"For once, I'm going to have to agree with Clarkson," May said, just as shaken as the other two. "Let's just let this one go."

The three presenters stood silently for a moment.

"Besides, it would be ridiculous..."

"James, shut up." Jeremy snapped.

"Righto."

After what felt like an eternity of awkward smalltalk, Ditzy reappeared, two pegasi trailing behind her.

"Alrighty then!" she exclaimed. "Speedwell and Mayflower here will take you up one at a time. Transport to Cloudsdale is ten bits per carriage, and you should get there in about twenty minutes."

"Dalek!" Richard coughed into his sleeve, earning glares from his friends.

"Oops, bless you!" Derpy said brightly.

"Yes, thank you." Jeremy said, paying the mailmare. "We'll just be getting out of your... er... mane." Gesturing to his fellows, Jeremy herded James and Richard outside, followed by the two pegasi.

"She seemed nice." James said.

Picking their way through the debris, the group of five made their way back to the cars. Pausing when they arrived, James glanced at the two pegasi, and back at the cars.

"Right," he said. "Who's going first then?"

Heads in the Clouds

Ditzy Doo waved merrily as she watched the three humans exit the post office. Humming a merry tune, the wall-eyed mare trotted over towards the playpen, where Dinky was noncommittally striking up conversation with a Daring Doo action figure.

'Silly Billy,' she thought 'The Daleks know better than to show up here'. Still humming, the grey pegasus gently nuzzled her daughter, before returning to work, her bubbly personality again rising to the surface as she continued humming that mysterious tune.

The Top Gear crew, meanwhile, were facing a conundrum. None of the presenters were particularly looking forward to the transition from the lovely solid ground to the dubiously named 'Cloudsdale', and as such, each man found himself praying that he would not be the first to make the journey.

"So..." Hammond said awkwardly. "Shall we draw lots, or..."

"Well, I think that's a good idea" Jeremy said cheerfully. "James, what do you think?"

"I think that those two pegasi are tying themselves to my car already." James said, a tremor in his voice. Sure enough, the postal ponies were hard at work, fitting a large metal rig to the front of the Jeep."

"It's amazing what a handful of coins can accomplish isn't it?" Jeremy whispered to Hammond, who burst out laughing. James however, was too busy feeling extremely ill to take any notice.

"Oh, they work quickly too" chuckled Hammond, who was much more relaxed now that he knew he wasn't going be the first to take to the skies.

Sure enough, the two pegasi were already clipping themselves into the harness.

"Ready to go when you are," the larger of the pair, who had been introduced as Mayflower, spoke up.

"Our heavenly father..." James began.

"Oh go on." Jeremy rudely interrupted, shoving him towards the drivers side door.

James clambered into the Jeep and buckled his seatbelt as Speedwell and Mayflower performed their last minute flight preparations. When the smaller pegasi glanced back over his shoulder to check on their reluctant passenger, James managed a slight nod of affirmation.

"I think he's going to puke." Jeremy muttered under his breath.

Without any further warning, Speedwell and Mayflower began their takeoff. Beginning with a trot, they quickly increased their speed, hoofbeats perfectly synchronised as they eventually broke out into a full gallop. Wings erupting from their sides simultaneously, the two pegasi began to lift from the ground as they gave several large flaps. With what looked like minimal effort, and after only a few seconds, the pair took to the skies, James May and his Jeep in tow.

"I won't lie." Clarkson began, turning to Hammond. "That was one of the strangest things I've seen, and I'm in television."

James May gave a sigh of relief as the car's wheels touched down on what felt like a solid surface. The purple librarian had evidently known what she was doing, and he hadn't fallen to his untimely demise. Craning his head out of the Jeep's window, he thanked the pair of pegasi, who were already unclipping themselves from the harness.

"No need to thank us mate, your friend pays well enough," Mayflower replied with a good-natured grin on his face that was mirrored by his towing partner.

"Wait, what?" May asked, confused.

"Never mind about that." Speedwell said quickly. "We'd best be going back for your friends."

After a few seconds, the pair of pegasi had removed the harness from the car, and shifted it into a small storage shed off to one side. Bidding James farewell, they dove through the clouds, which resealed themselves magically several seconds later.

Gazing around, and checking quickly in his rear view mirror, James better acquainted himself with his new environment. As far as he could tell, the area he had been set down on was some sort of landing ground or square, the only infrastructure around being the small clump of sheds to his right. For several hundred meters in each other direction though, there was only a solid cloud surface, stretching on and on.

Left to sit alone in his car, atop a cloud three vertical miles above the ground, James quickly became bored.

Jeremy moaned in sweet relief as the Aston's tires met the seemingly solid cloud surface, Speedwell and Mayflower quickly unbuckling themselves and diving back down to retrieve the last and shortest of the presenters. The two pegasi had sat him down next to James' Jeep, and as he glanced up at the other car, he caught sight of the grin on his friend's face.

"What?" Clarkson asked sharply, his nerves still shot from the climb to Cloudsdale.

"You know, you might just enjoy your time up here more than you think." James said, the grin not leaving his face.

"Yeah, and why's that?" Clarkson grumbled, not convinced.

"I took the Jeep for a drive while you were coming up, you know, just to test the terrain."

"Okay... And?"

"Why don't you take the Aston for a quick spin, while we're up here?"

Frowning, Jeremy turned the ignition, starting the engine with a purr. As soon as the car began moving, his expression changed completely though. After rolling forward for only a couple of meters, he put it into reverse, and backed up until his window was level with James'.

"Is it all this flat?" He asked incredulously.

"Yep."

A grin immediately spread across the speed freak's face.

"And here we are!" Mayflower exclaimed as the two pegasi carted Hammond's pink monstrosity the last few meters, breaking through the cloud barrier. "Welcome to... what in Equestria?"

"POWEEEEER!!"

The roar of the Aston's V8 ripped through the otherwise calm Cloudsdale afternoon. As the sleek supercar roared past the baffled pegasi, it banked sharply, drifting around the collection of sheds before taking off in the opposite direction with only a little tail wobble.

"Hello," James said as Speedwell and Mayflower set the Land Rover down beside the Jeep, their mouths still agape at the speed and sound being produced by Jeremy's car.

"I can see that The Idiot is already enjoying himself." Hammond said, nonchalantly.

"Yes indeed," James replied.

The two were interrupted though as the loud sports car pulled up alongside Hammond's Land Rover.

"Guys..." Jeremy began a little sheepishly.

"It's good to see you too Jeremy. No, thank you for your concern, but I did not in fact fall to my death on the way up here." Richard responded sarcastically.

"What is it Jeremy?" James asked loudly, cutting straight to the chase.

"My fuel is... a little low." Clarkson said, frowning at his dashboard.

"I wonder how that could have happened?" Hammond pondered, putting on a mystified expression.

"I could probably hazard a guess," James muttered.

Speedwell and Mayflower finished removing the harness from Richard's Land Rover. Glancing nervously at the Aston, they waved goodbye before diving down beneath the clouds to retrieve the film crew and their F250.

"So, what now?" Richard sighed.

"Well, we'll need to wait for our next challenge," Jeremy replied. "It's not like I'm going anywhere else anytime soon, not with an empty tank."

"Smart one, you are." Hammond commented, earning a glare.

Twenty minutes later, they were relieved at the sight of the pickup bursting through the clouds a short distance away. After the harness was removed, the huge Ford rumbled over to park next to Richard. A man in a lab coat, who was sitting in the passenger seat reached into May's car, dropping a gold envelope into his lap.

Tearing the envelope open eagerly, James began reading aloud, shouting so that Jeremy could hear him from two cars away.

"Congratulations, your cars have survived the journey to one of Equestria's famous cloud cities. Now that you've arrived, it's time to see some of the wonderful sights that Cloudsdale has to offer. From your current destination, you must head North to the... Rainbow Factory, where your next challenge awaits you."

"Really?" Hammond asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. "The Rainbow Factory?"

"But a rainbow is just light refraction," Jeremy objected. "How can you manufacture a rainbow?"

"Actually," Speedwell interjected, "I don't know how it works where you're from, but rainbows here in Equestria come in liquid form."

James blinked. "But what could possibly be used to create liquid rainbow? It just seems too far-fetched to be true."

"Ah, now that," Speedwell stated. "That there's a closely guarded secret. Only a select few know the recipe for liquid rainbow."

"Kind of like the eleven secret herbs and spices." Hammond joked.

"Yes..." Speedwell replied shiftily. "Herbs and spices..."

"Moving on!" James exclaimed. "There's more to the note." He cleared his throat before continuing. "Your destination is roughly one kilometer north of your current position. If your cars require refueling, you will find spare fuel in the tray of the camera crew's car. Good luck with that." He frowned at the last line. "What do they mean, 'good luck with that'?

"Thank you baby Jesus, there's spare fuel" Clarkson breathed out in relief.

"One question." Hammond said, making his growing uncertainty clear. "How are you going to refuel your car three miles up without falling to your very gruesome untimely death?"

Jeremy looked at Hammond for several seconds, before turning to the camera crew's truck, then back to Hammond.

"Oh fuck me," he muttered, before laying his head down on the steering wheel. It was going to be a long day.

Author's Note

It's alive!

I apologise to everyone who's been waiting for this chapter. I had the worst case of writer's block I've ever had, then never had that rush of inspiration I've come to rely on with my writing. It's not much of an excuse, but I can assure you that anything I would have churned out during these past months before now would have been well below the standard I expect from my own work.

I now have a rare extended period of free time, what with the semester break from university, and getting laid off from my part-time job. Hopefully I will be able to make up for the extended break with some good chapters in the near future.

A big thank you to all of you for your understanding.

Blues.

Where Your Fears and Horrors Come True

"This is so humiliating." Speedwell muttered under his breath as the rather portly English broadcaster clambered from the driver seat onto the pegasus' back.

"You lost fair and square," Mayflower smirked at his friend's discomfort.

"I didn't understand the game!" Speedwell grumbled back, wincing as Jeremy inadvertently put his knee between the stallion's ribs.

"What's not to understand about scissors paper rock?" Hammond asked, incredulously.

"WE HAVE HOOVES!" The belligerent pegasus yelled back. "How are we meant to play if...

"Well, Mayflower obviously got the idea."

"He just stuck out his hoof!"

"Exactly. He called rock, and you timed out and got disqualified."

"You know what? Okay. Fine. Let's just get this over with," Speedwell sighed.

After three extremely awkward minutes of refueling, Jeremy finally clambered back into the Aston, tossing the empty jerry can into the back of the F250. Speedwell grunted as the largish man's weight slid off his back, glaring at his smug looking friend, who snickered in amusement.

"Well, we're all fueled and ready to go." Hammond said over the radio. "Jezza, could you ask our new friends how exactly we're meant to get to this Rainbow Factory from here? The note was a little vague."

Mayflower was happy to oblige. "Well, you'd want to go North until you hit the Pansy Bridge, then cross it. The bridge is one of the main thoroughfares into the city for supply trains and carriages. Once you've crossed the bridge, take the first exit, the factory will be on your left. I doubt you'll be able to miss it."

"We'd offer to fly you over, but there's restrictions on cargo flights in and out of Cloudsdale proper. You boys are going to need to go the rest of the way on your own." Speedwell added.

"What about speed limits?" Jeremy inquired, hopefully.

"I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life" Jeremy chanted as the the small convoy of cars crept slowly along at a snail's pace.

Mayflower had not been exaggerating when he called Pansy Bridge a main thoroughfare. Due to the restrictions on cargo flights within the city's airspace, the bridge served as one of the only access points into the city for wagons and carts filled with produce, furniture, and an assortment of other trade goods and essentials.

It also followed that, as hoof-drawn vehicles, said carriages traveled rather slowly. Combined with the amount of hoof-traffic on the bridge, this meant that the Top Gear crew wasn't making very good time.

At all.

"Guys, I can see the exit up ahead." Hammond said excitedly, the boredom of the past hour draining away as huge spires of white cloud, interspersed with stripes of brilliant color came into view.

"Would you look at that." May breathed, transfixed.

Truly, Cloudsdale was a magnificent sight. Far from the endless white that had occupied their vision on the drive there, the cityscape was a dazzling array of color, rainbow rivers running along channels carved in the clouds that stretched hundreds of meters high into the sky above. Between the giant pillowy structures, pegasi flitted through the sky at high speed, going about their daily lives with great fervor, the flashes of coats and manes only adding the the vibrancy of the place.

Transfixed, even Jeremy took a moment to gape at his fantastical surroundings.

Only a moment though.

"Finally." He sighed, as they turned off the main road. Here, the traffic was much lighter, most pegasi electing to fly rather than walk. Other carts still occupied the streets, but the cars slid by effortlessly on the smooth surface, earning more than a few exclamations of shock and surprise from the city's residents.

"Now, keep your eyes peeled lads, the postie said it should be easy to..."

Taking a quick look around mid-sentence, Jeremy trailed off as he took in a huge structure to their immediate left. Covered in streams of molten rainbow, the building's most prominent feature was probably the huge multicolored sign plastered to the front.

RAINBOW FACTORY

"...find, yeah, that's probably it."

"One small problem though." Jeremy chimed in, frowning to himself. "That's a rather large building with a rather small entrance. How are we mean to get the cars in there?"

"There's no way." Hammond said, pessimistically. "And I don't think they're about to blow a hole in the side of the building for us, cloud or not."

"Bear with me here." Jeremy slowly spoke, the wheels in his head turning. "I may have an idea."

"Sir, I may have misunderstood you when you asked for a ride." The agitated cab driver huffed, as the large man on his back made himself comfortable. Jeremy had chosen his mount out of a long lineup of cabs parked in a nearby bay. The cherry red stallion was the obvious choice. Red was, after all, the fastest color.

"Well, at least we're getting paid well." His purple coated friend remarked while Hammond clambered onto his back.

James on the other hand, was having some problems with his new lady friend.

"You've got to be kidding me." The orange mare snorted, raising her eyebrows at James's hopeful expression.

"Please Ma'am, I know it seems a little strange but..."

"Strange? You're a bit bucked up in the head aren't you?"

"Look, I'll give you a hundred bits if you let me ride you for the next hour."

"James May, what a way you have with the ladies" Clarkson sniggered.

"Shut it" James snapped, rubbing his bruised cheek from atop a turquoise stallion.

"Well, let's not dilly dally" Hammond exclaimed brightly. "Shall we take a look inside?"

Clopping up the front steps of the factory, the Top Gear trio, followed by their entire team of cameramen, all atop of their own unfortunate pegasi, entered the open doors of the enormous facility. After only a few steps though, the party came to a halt, gawking at their surroundings.

In the center of the grand lobby, a stream of liquid rainbow fell from a recess in the ceiling, pooling in a large fountain that shone and glittered beautifully. Along the sides of the walls, great glass tubes carried even more of the stuff from the upper floors down into the cloud surface, presumably to a lower level of some kind. The back half of the room seemed to be devoted to a museum of sorts, several long tables were occupied by numerous exhibits and displays.

The three brave adventurers surveyed the interior of the Rainbow Factory from atop their trusty mounts. Here they were, humans three miles high in the sky atop an alien world, witnesses to mechanisms unlike anything any man woman or child had seen before. Here in front of them, the very weather itself was manipulated by powers incomprehensible to the human mind. This was something truly spectacular.

"Oooh, that one's wearing a little lab coat, how cuuuute!" Jeremy squealed, prompting a glare from the passing engineer. Noticing the exasperated looks he was getting from his fellows, he coughed into one hand. "Anyway, what next?"

"Oh, here we go" muttered Hammond, as one of the cameramen rode over to the trio and handed him a golden envelope. Ripping it open enthusiastically, he read it aloud.

"The pegasi of Cloudsdale have passed down the art of manufacturing liquid rainbow down through generations, and its composition is a closely guarded secret. While modern technology cannot hope to identify the more magical qualities of the resource, testing from the small samples acquired by British Intelligence has indicated that the substance is not only viable as a fuel source, but actually burns far cleaner and more efficiently than conventional fossil fuels."

"Holy shit." Clarkson breathed. "That is phenomenal, if humans could get a reliable source it would revolutionize everything."

"How on earth do the producers know about what I can only imagine is a top secret Government project?" James asked.

"Anyway, back to the challenge." Hammond said, turning his attention back to the envelope. "You are currently in the Cloudsdale Rainbow Factory, the sole source of liquid rainbow in Equestria. Your next task is to acquire enough liquid rainbow to fuel your cars for the remainder of your stay in this land. Purchase five liters of liquid rainbow each, before making your way East to the Cloudiseum for your real challenge."

"Five liters." Clarkson's eyes almost popped out of his skull. "Just five liters of the stuff is going to be enough to last us the whole trip?"

"Imagine only having to refuel five liters of petrol at the pump every week." Hammond added, similarly flabbergasted. "There's going to be some major shit going down with the big oil companies if this stuff hits the market back home, especially since no one besides these pegasi knows how to make the stuff."

"Anyway." Clarkson interjected. "Enough with the morbid economics discussion, I'm going to go find some rainbow to power my car."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea." Hammond agreed. "I wonder if they have a gift shop."

Jeremy's ride chimed in.

"Actually, they do" He said, grunting as his passenger shifted on his back. "Just off to the right there, through that door."

Several minutes later, and after an incredibly awkward interaction with the shopkeeper, who had been most surprised to find herself surrounded by humans riding pegasi, the team reconvened in the lobby after making their purchase. Fortunately, the small store stocked sizeable bottles of rainbow for decorative purposes, and their prices were rather reasonable.

"Well, It wasn't quite as cheap as petrol, but I think we ended up with enough of it." Hammond said as they rode back down the steps of the cloud factory to their cars. A small crowd of inquisitive ponies had gathered to peek in and around the vehicles, but they quickly dispersed as the humans came into sight.

"Will that be all then?" Clarkson's new best friend asked crankily from under him.

"We need to refuel the cars, but otherwise, yes, thank you" Jeremy replied, withdrawing an empty fuel canister from the tray of the F250 and pouring his liquid rainbow into it.

"Now" He added, as he began filling the remainder of his tank with the five liters of liquid rainbow. "Generally, I don't advise pouring just any old unidentified liquid into the fuel tank of your hundred thousand pound Aston Martin, as most of the time, this can be very bad for your car. Fortunately, I have it on good authority that this stuff works, so here we go."

After paying their Cloudsdalian friends a hefty sum by way of compensation, the three co-hosts clambered back into their vehicles, and started their engines. Pulling off into the light traffic, they waved the factory goodbye as they sped off Eastward, keeping their eyes peeled for this coliseum.

Catching a glimpse of something strange in his rear-view mirror, Clarkson squinted a little, then burst out laughing and reached for his radio.

"Are you two seeing what I'm seeing?" He asked, chortling.

"Oh my word." James wheezed, laughed looking back behind him.

"My car is farting rainbows." Hammond said with a straight face.

The three men burst into peals of unrestrained laughter as they navigated the city streets on their way to a new challenge.

Barter (Part 1)

"Manehattan?" Clarkson exclaimed incredulously. "These place-names wouldn't know subtlety if it drop kicked them in the face. And their capital city is Canterlot for Christ's sake!"

"It's only a model" supplied James helpfully.

"Shut it." Clarkson replied automatically.

"Gentlemen!" Hammond proclaimed, walking back from the F250 with a golden envelope clutched in his hand. "Our first orders from the top! Time to find out what kind of catastrophic diplomatic emergency we're off to cause first!"

"No, don't joke about that" groaned Clarkson. "Remember India." All three men flinched, the resulting fallout from that particular episode had been massive, even by Top Gear standards.

"That was all your doing though" James reminded him.

"I don't know what you're on about" Clarkson shrugged, an innocent look on his face.

"Do you two want to hear this or what?" Hammond asked impatiently.

"Fire away."

"By all means."

"Right then" Hamster begun, tearing open the envelope. "Congratulations, you have all hopefully made it into Equestria alive and well" he spared only a quick glance toward the mound of earth on the hill that marked the Stig's grave before continuing on; "Just over two miles from the Equestrian side of the portal lies the town of Ponyville."

Clarkson gagged a little, which earned him a glare from Hammond and an amused glance from May.

"In the old days, British explorers and emissaries would offer trinkets to the peoples of faraway lands in order to gain trust and facilitate communications" Hammond continued.

"Yeah, right before they raped their women, plundered their villages and converted them all to Christianity." Clarkson interrupted drily.

"In the boots of each of your cars you will find a number of items which are, so far, unheard of in popular Equestrian culture. Your job is to set up shop in Ponyville and attempt to sell these items in the marketplace. The money you make will be your budget for the remainder of your stay in Equestria, so do a good job or you may find yourselves going hungry." Hammond looked up from the letter with a shrug. "How hard can it be?"

"I'm doomed" Hammond moaned.

"Oh stop whining'" James ordered. "It's not that bad."

"How the bloody hell am I supposed to get across a country on a packet of Australian biscuits, three AA batteries, a ballpoint pen, two extra large condoms and a porno magazine?" Richard wondered aloud. "And you just sit there all smug looking with a bunch of electronic gadgets!"

James just grinned at the unfortunate Hammond. With enough solar powered batteries to cover most of the Equestrian countryside and enough mobile phones to give a cockroach cancer, May was looking very pleased with himself indeed.

"What about you Clarkson?" Hammond called over to the Vantage, where Jeremy was intently focused on one particular item.

"Not so good I'm afraid chaps" the taller man replied. "All they gave me is a bunch of printed Wikipedia pages."

James looked up sharply. "Hang on, give us a look" he said, jogging over to the Aston and thumbing quickly through a few of the myriad pages, all printed in size 12 font, which filled the boot-space to the brim.

"What?" Clarkson asked despondently, gazing longingly at May's pile of electronics.

"Well some of this stuff is really in depth" May said. "I'm pretty sure the ponies don't quite have a grasp of quantum mechanics or nuclear fission just yet."

"So you're saying that this stuff is worth a lot" Clarkson said, putting two and two together.

"What I'm saying is that I don't know if selling the secret to atomic weaponry to aliens is such a great..."

"So it IS worth a lot?" Clarkson prompted, receiving a sigh from May.

"You are the most self-centered, arrogant pillock I have ever had the misfortune to meet."

"Soon to be the richest, most self-centered pillock you've ever met" Clarkson replied with barely suppressed glee, as he closed the boot and slid into the driver's seat of his V8. "To Punnyville!"

Midway through the most important, groundbreaking meeting Princess Celestia had attended in her very long life a shiver passed down her spine, causing the white Alicorn to shudder slightly. Noticing her sister's discomfort, Luna gave her a gentle nudge, making sure not to attract undue attention from the other attendants as she did so.

"What is the matter sister?" the princess of the night whispered softly as the Prime Minister of Canada took center stage.

"Something... I do not rightly know" Celestia replied. "A disturbance in the fabric of worlds, I cannot place it." Shaking her head from side to side almost imperceptibly, the snowy Diarch stood to make her address to the United Nations.