Loss of self

by Capwn

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Sad, Original Character
Length: 2568

The musings of a lost soul

As a lost soul contemplates their demise they also look back upon their life.
One of the many ideas from my OC pony Rainbow Spectrum

Published 2012-01-10 09:42:40 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-11 20:56:22 UTC

Age 7

Rainbow Spectrum, Age 7

Dear Diary,

Dashie left for the flight school today...I've never felt so sad and alone in my life. She was the only pony who I ever felt loved me...Daddy is always acting funny and now mommy is starting to yell at me too. She called me worthless because I can't fly good..."What's a pegasus that can't fly?" She said. "Just worthless" I wish they would stay away from those bottles. I think that's why they're so mean. I haven't even come down from our, I mean my room today. Her stuff is still here. Her posters, her wonderbolt stuffed toy, I cuddle with it every night..it makes me think of her. I miss my Dashie...I want her back.

Thanks,
Rainbow Spectrum

Rainbow Spectrum, one month after Dash left

Dear Diary,

I didn't do my chores today. I was too sad. Mommy and Daddy don't want me to go outside, they think I'm still a foal...I'm a big filly, though. I still miss Dashie, they weren't as mean when she was around. What if she never comes back? Mommy and Daddy will be mean forever! i don't want that! I just want my Dashie back. She made me smile...and made me happy. She made Mommy and Daddy happy....why can't I make Mommy and Daddy happy? What did I do? I must've done something wrong...I'll find out one day.

Rainbow Spectrum

Rainbow Spectrum, 5 months after Dash left

I get to go see Dash tomorrow! She gets to come home for a day! I can't wait! Maybe she'll stay forever and we'll be a big happy family again! Oops, mommy is coming in.

(Tears stain the page, making most of it illegible)

ays I can't visit Dash tomorrow..I've been a bad filly, because I didn't do my chores..

Rainbow Spectrum

Rainbow Spectrum, two days later

Dear Diary,

I went to see Dashie yesterday anyways...I waited until Mommy and Daddy went to see their friends. When I got there Dashie was yelling at these two colts. There was a yellow pony by her, I couldn't tell who she was. Then they told her she'd lose in a race. She got real mad and said she could beat them. So they were gonna race.

I ran up to Dashie and hugged her, she was surprised to see me and tried to push me off, but I didn't want to ever let go. She finally pulled me off and went to the starting line with those two colts.

I wanted a real good seat to see her race, I knew she would win. So I used my wings to buzz from cloud to cloud until I got near the cloud rings near the ground. I was never that low or far our before. I watched as Dashie and the colts took off, I heard a scream I think...I don't know, but Dashie was winning. One of the colts slammed into a cloud on a turn. Then Dashie went straight down. It was amazing! Her mane and tail looked like a real rainbow! Then she pulled up right in front of me and a big boom happened! It made me not hear, then a rainbow came out of nowhere and knocked me off of my cloud, it was scary, Diary!

I fell so far! I had never screamed so loud! I looked down and thought I was going to splat into the ground but I landed on a big brown soft thing! I'm not sure what it was called but it had four paws and a long snout! It stood up and roared at me! That big monster! But then a voice came from nowhere and said "What is it Bearington?" Then I saw her, it was the little yellow mare that I saw with Dashie! "Oh my!" Her voice was so soft...like Mommy's. "Are you okay Rainbow?" She came towards me. I didn't even know this mare! How did she know me?

I told her I was fine but she helped me up...I had to ask her who she was and how she knew me.

She looked down and hid her face behind her bright pink name. She was really shy for a pegasus. We were really loud usually. "I-I'm Fluttershy, R-Rainbow Dash's friend..." I remembered then, a pony used to hang around out house that looked like that! "what are you doing down here?" Her voice was so quiet, I almost had to lean in to hear her. So I told her all about the awesome race and how I fell. She said she heard the boom and saw the rainbow, then she told me how she got her cutie mark from it. It was the first pony near my age I met with their cutie mark...maybe one day I'll get mine too. That would make Mommy and Daddy love me.

"You need to get back to Cloudsdale" She was worried about me, a pony actually cared. But I told her how I couldn't fly...she said she would help me get back up.....Oop, Mommy is here. I have to go Diary.

Night,
Raibow Spectrum

Age7-Part2

Rainbow Spectrum, Age 7 continued

Dear Diary,

Mommy made me go to bed last night, sorry I couldn't finish my story. But I got up real early today to finish it! So where was I? Oh yeah!

Fluttershy said she didn't wanna leave the ground but said little fillies like me needed to get back home. But before I could say anything else she whistled and three little red birds landed in her mane. It was like she was mother nature! Then she turned to the birdies and whispered something.

The littlest birdie flew over to me and landed on my nose.I looked at it as it spread it's wings slowly then took off to the nearest branch, chirping at me to follow. I spread my little black wings and flapped them as hard and as fast as I could! But I only got a couple of hooves off of the ground before I fell back to the ground with a thud. I looked up and the little bird was right in front of my face. He chirped angrily and pecked my nose.

"Ow!" I yelped, I rubbed my hoof against my nose and watched as the little bird sat down, then lifted off again, flapping his wings slowly but real strong. Then it hit me, I was supposed to go slow! So I watched as the little birdie once again landed on the branch.

I stood up and spread my wings. I WAS going to make it! I WAS going to fly! I looked up at the wide sky and started flapping my wings slowly. Before I knew it, my hooves were off the ground! Then I started going higher, and higher! Then I passed the little birdie's branch, and then the top of the tree! I was flying!

As I flew through the sky, I saw how....BIG the sky was! It went on forever! The world was a BIG place....that's when it hit me. Maybe, possibly, there was a pony out there that would love me, that would never leave me. There HAD to be! So I decided I would start learning all there was to learn about the world! Then I would find out if a pony could love me! So I set off for home.

I got home real late at night..I walked in the house, my wings were SO tired, but I was still smiling. Mommy was sitting on the couch and Daddy was at the table.

"Mommy, Daddy!" I yelled, I wanted to tell them everything! "I flew today! I-I fell to the ground, but then I flew all the way b-" Mommy interrupted me.

"That's nice Spectrum. Now go to your room, Mommy and Daddy are busy." Daddy growled when mommy said his name. I took this as a hint that Mommy was right.

So I trotted up the stairs to my room. When I opened the door, I saw Dashie sitting on her bed, laughing. On my bed something was sat down on it. It's head looked like an eagle's, and it had talons. But it's back legs were all furry, and her tail was real skinny with a tuft on the end. I never seen such a strange creature.

"D-Dashie..?" I was kinda scared, I didn't like my Dashie bein' around some monster.

Dashie and the monster both looked at me. "Oh, hey Spectrum! Where were ya? I was worried." The monster opened her beak and spoke in an almost coltly voice.

"So this is Spectrum, huh?" Her eyes dilated like I was some mouse she was preying on.

"Yeah, Spectrum. This is Gilda, My friend from flight school. She's a griffon! Cool, right?" I backed up, I didn't trust this....'Gilda'.

"S-Sure Dashie.." Gilda let out a laugh.

"Dashie? How cute~" She was making fun of my sister, who was now blushing a bright red. She quickly got up and pushed me into the hallway.

"Spectrum, don't call me that in front of Gilda. She'll think I'm lame.." Her eyes looked back to the griffon. "Listen, she's spending the night, can you go sleep on the couch or something?"

Dashie didn't want me to sleep in our room. I started to tear up. "B-But I wanted to tell you a story.."

Dashie sighed. "You can tell me tomorrow Spectrum."

Tears fell from my eyes. "O-Okay Dashie..." She smiled, kissed my forehead and dashed back to our room, closing the door behind her. I knew I couldn't sleep on the couch, mommy would probably sleep there. So I plodded to the hall closet, opened t and curled up in my spot that I went to when I was sad. I couldn't write in you because you were in my room...so I slept in the closet all night.

The next morning when I woke up, Dashie was already gone. Why did my Dashie have to go? I thought she would be proud of me for flying. Oh well....I have chores now. Bye.

Spectrum.

Age 6

Rainbow Spectrum, Age 6

Dear Diary,

Today for my birthday mommy got me you! I thought it was a good gift, Dashie and mommy hugged me and told me happy birthday but Daddy wasn't happy, he never is when I'm around...he's a big meanie when I'm around. But Dashie said he'll be nice to me one day, and she knows everything!

Let me tell you about my family. My mommy is the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria! She's really tall and blue like Dashie, her mane is like mine and Dashie's too! A bunch of different colors...but hers is ALOT longer. Then there's Dashie, she's my sister. She's blue with a pretty mane like mommy, and boy is she a good flier! Daddy always says how good she'll be when she gets older...I wonder if he'll tell me how good I am some day. I hope so. The other person in my family is Daddy. He builds houses here in Cloudsdale, that's where my family lives. He's tall too! But he's gray and his mane is really dark. I'm not sure why he seems mad when I'm around though...but I still love him lots!

Ooh and Mommy got me something else for my birthday! It's a big book with all of these legends in it! One of them is about that meanie Nightmare Moon, maybe i'll read it at bedtime.

I have to go now Diary! I'll write with you later!

Love, Rainbow Spectrum

Rainbow Spectrum, age 6 and a half

Dear Diary,

I'm so sorry I haven't written to you in a long time! I've been busy...mommy has started giving me alot of chores ever since Dashie got accepted into the flight school...But that's okay! I'm happy for her! She's a super good flier, I bet she'll be a Wonderbolt one day! I told her I'll go to ALL of her shows and cheer her on for always and forever!

Daddy hasn't got any better towards me like Dashie said he would...he even got mad at me and yelled...I son't like when he yells at me, it makes me real sad and cry...If only I knew what I did to deserve it.

I read the story Mommy bought me. I'm starting to become a real good reader. Nightmare Moon isn't scary like everypony says she is, she was just sad. She only wanted to be loved by the ponies and she got mad..kinda how I wanna be loved by daddy. But I won't never be mean! Mommy taught me to be a lady and not get mad.

I have more chores. Thanks for listening Diary.

Age 8

Rainbow Spectrumn, Age 8

Dear Diary,

Dashie is coming home tonight for Hearth's Warming Eve! I can't wait for her to get home! We'll talk and play tag and braid each others mane and be best friends again! I can't wait!

I guess I should tell you what I've been doing.

I've been going to the Cloudsdale library everyday now. I like to read up on everything. They have these things called airships in Canterlot! They're like big balloons that can carry ponies places, they fly through the sky like pegasi! I wanna fly on one of those things someday!

Ooh and down on the ground they build their houses out of rocks. Rocks! Can you believe that diary? They can't even use clouds! I feel sorry for them now..but they do have the ground...which doesn't move...or shrink...or go away. They're lucky for that I guess.

Ooh! Dashie is home now! Maybe I can get her to write in the diary!

Love,
Rainbow Spectrum

Rainbow Dash, Age 10

Dear journal-thingy,

Spectrum asked me to write in you...says it's good for you or somethin like that.

So I'm just gonna say it. I'm Rainbow Dash! The most awesome, coolest, and fastest pony in all of Equestria! You heard me, ALL.OF.EQUESTRIA.

I'm the only pony to ever complete a Sonic Rainboom! Old mare's tale my flank.Soon I'll be a Wonderbolt and no pony will be able to stop me! I mean I'm probably the best pony to ever live.....that wasn't a princess of course.

You're welcome for making you cooler,
Dash

(A drawing of a multi-colored lightning bolt adorns the rest of the page)

Rainbow Spectrum, the next night

Dear Diary,

Happy Hearth's Warming? Well.....happy isn't the right word I guess. I got some more books...and a new diary..I got some candy too. I already read the books at the library..and I don't want a new diary. I have you...The candy is okay but I ate it all. Dash got some cool wonderbolt socks, some candy...and a letter fomr something called the "Junior Speedster's Academy" I don't know what that is, but Dash was happy.

After we had our family dinner Daddy started drinking..Dash went to our room...but I was still eating, I just wanted to finish. But Daddy wouldn't let me, he took away my plate and told me to go upstairs...I started crying and he started yelling mean things at me...he said he didn't love me...and I was a failure.

(Tears stain the page)

I went up to our room and Dashie was writing in you...well...I guess I have to go to bed now.

Night.