Celestia's Sticky Hair Day
Celestia’s Sticky Hair Day
This was supposed to be a second chapter of this story, except it ended
up being twice the size of the original. All you need to know for this story is that Spike sent a pair of marshmallows to Celestia by accident. The first is a plain marshmallow. The second had been microwaved for three minutes, resulting in flaming marshmallow gunk.
It was a sunny day over Canterlot. Clear skies and a gentle summer breeze greeted the inhabitants as they left their homes for the day. Foals played in the many green parks of Equestria’s capital while their parents socialized on nearby benches. It was the kind of day where one would expect to see smiling flowers and impromptu musical numbers. A stained glass window stood impassable between Celestia and the sunshine outside.
It was Wednesday afternoon, and that meant the court was open to the public. This largely meant that Celestia would spend the afternoon solving petty squabbles and listening to self-important nobles’ complaints. It had been centuries since she had any real problems to solve, partly due to the utopian nature of Equestria. Celestia sat upon her elevated throne, staring longingly at the beautiful day outside. A minor noble, a count if she recalled correctly, stood before her, nose in the air and speaking in posh tones.
“... and so I humbly request your advice on the matter. I trust you will make the correct decision.” Celestia, a winged unicorn of massive proportions (relative to the ‘regular’ ponies), returned her attention to the beige unicorn in front of her. He looked up at her expectantly, having finished rattling off his eloquent, if trivial, speech. At one point it amused her how full of themselves the upper fraction of pony society could be. Now it just tired her.
“I understand your complaint, Count Richprick,” The count smiled in anticipation. “However, I cannot order an entire village of ‘smelly, farming peasants’ to move simply because it ruins the view out of one of the many, many windows of your manor.”
“But I-”
Celestia cut off his interruption, “These farmers were placed there, on my own land if you will remember, in order to help meet the rising demand for food across Equestria. I daresay that even you see the importance of a bounteous food supply, Count Richprick. Good day.”
“But Princess, whatever shall I do about the odour?”
“I would suggest you either close the window or learn to live with it. Good day, Count Richprick.” The tone in her voice left no room for argument.
The count harrumphed before turning and walking out of the large double door at the far end of the hall. The Princess sighed heavily and gazed out the window, again wishing to be anywhere but in her castle.
As she turned to the next pony in the lengthy line, she felt a warm tingle spread along her horn. She was well accustomed to the feeling of an incoming letter from her student’s assistant. She signalled one of her two guards to stop the approaching pony, a green pegasus this time, in order to buy her time to safely conjure the incoming scroll. A golden glow encompassed her horn and a puff of green flame appeared above her head. A moment later the flame vanished, leaving a white marshmallow in its place.
Celestia had a spell ready to move the incoming scroll in front of her eyes before it dropped, however the radically different shape of the marshmallow fell between the weaves of her spell. The marshmallow bounced off her colourful mane, her nose, the steps to her throne, before coming to rest a couple feet ahead of the white princess.
Celestia arched an eyebrow, confused as to why her student would send her a marshmallow. She knew it wasn’t a great excuse, but any excuse was good enough for her today. “Everypony,” she announced to the hall full of her subjects, “Court is now closed for today. Please come again next week.” She hated saying the last, but knew that there would be no end of trouble (largely from the nobles) if she stopped the centuries old tradition. There were a few disappointed groans, but the ponies before her shuffled to exit the castle, following in Count Richprick’s footsteps.
A blank sheet of parchment, a quill, and an ink pot floated out from behind the throne in a sheath of golden magic. She started scribbling down a letter to Twilight, knowing that the young unicorn would soon send a letter to apologize profusely for the marshmallow.
Celestia’s younger sister, Luna, entered the throne room against the few ponies still moving to the exit. Luna looked similar to her sister, with the same wings, a slightly shorter horn, and a marginally smaller body. Her mane and tail resembled the starry night and floated gently around her navy blue body.
“THOU HAST MADE OPEN COURT CEASE PREMATURELY, DEAR SISTER!” Luna hollered using her Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. The straggling visitors sped up their departure to avoid the noise. “DOST THOU SUFfer in mind or body?” Her voice quieted as her elder sister’s magic appeared around Luna’s muzzle, muffling her thunderous speech.
“I am fine, sister. I just received a package from my student.” Celestia continued writing on the parchment. She gestured with a golden-shoed hoof to the marshmallow in front of her.
“’Tis but a sweet. What does thy student mean by it?” She wrapped the marshmallow in blue magic of her own and levitated it for closer examination. A moment later she popped it into her gob, chewed once, and swallowed. “’Tis but a sweet,” she repeated, her taste test apparently complete.
“I suspect it was sent to me by mistake. Spike once sent me a small collection of scrolls when he had hiccups, remember. I am writing a letter for Twilight, letting her know that I appreciate the gesture and not to worry about it.” The white alicorn (for so horned pegasi are called) rolled the letter and magically placed her royal seal on it.
Not a moment too soon! He horn had a familiar warmth spread along it, signalling a second delivery. She prepared to catch either a scroll or a second marshmallow.
It was neither. Well, neither as they would be expected, for no one would expect a delivery to consist of molten marshmallow slime. And that’s what it was, falling – SPLAT! – into Celestia’s flowing mane. It oozed about her horn and dripped down across the right side of her face.
Yet this was not what she noticed. The mess was still hot. Very hot. She instead felt the burning sensation, similar to pouring wax upon oneself. Except, it was sticky marshmallow in her glorious mane—although it was not so glorious now that it bore white and brown sludge.
She screamed, partially from pain, but mostly from sheer shock. She swiftly reshaped her spell to tear the offending mess from her hair, but it was too well mixed in. The result was a sharp pain and the spell failing. A couple dabs of blood appeared where parts of her scalp had been torn.
“Get help,” The sun princess snapped at her younger sibling. She returned to trying to yank the gunk from her mane, this time being gentler and trying to leave the precious hair unharmed.
Luna had not moved during the entire ordeal; however her sister’s word stirred her to action. The action being collapsing on the floor, roaring with laughter. The windows around the hall vibrated from the volume. Celestia’s spell to muffle her sister had failed when the burning slime landed on her head.
One of the four guards in the room galloped to go get help after seeing that Luna was unable (or, more likely, unwilling) to get help. Celestia slipped from her throne and tumbled down the steps, landing beside Luna. They both thrashed about on the white marble floor, one snorting in laughter between gasping for breath, the other trying to frantically shake the marshmallow loose.
They lay there for a half minute, guards watching thoroughly unsure about how to act, before Luna recovered enough to stand. Blue magic spread from her horn and encompassed Celestia’s thrashing mane. The sun princess paused in her hysteria in confusion. A half moment later she was hanging a couple feet in the air, suspended by her hair in Luna’s magic.
“Sister! Release me!” Celestia screeched, her voice cracking in her panic. Luna’s spell collapsed in a flash as she relapsed into her uncontrollable laughter. Celestia simply collapsed.
The guard who fled for help returned with Celestia’s personal groomer, a silver unicorn whose mane had greyed with age. Her cutie mark was a gilded mirror. Thin glasses adorned her face. “You summoned me, Celestia?” She was far more casual with her monarch than most other servants in the castle. “I was told that you needed my assistance?”
Her voice fell when she saw her client. “Oh dear. What have you done to yourself?” Celestia looked up at the familiar voice. “Compose yourself. I will be back to fix this in a minute.” She left the large room. Celestia stared at the space her groomer occupied from her place splayed across the floor.
She heard one of the guards whisper to another, “What does she mean ‘fix’? Her mane is a complete write-off.” The other guard nodded in agreement.
Celestia’s eyes went wide when she heard them. “Lulu, what do they mean? It’s surely not that bad, is it?” A worried tone was clear in her voice.
Luna sputtered out the last of her laughter before answering. “Of course not, dearest sister. I’m sure thy tail shall be spared.” One of the guards chuckled. Celestia had reformed her muffling spell.
“No! My mane has been growing for millennia. I will not lose it to a little sludge.” And with that she leapt to her throne, assisted by wings, guided by magic.
It was at this time that her groomer returned, a massive pair of scissors in a silvery magically aura. “Luna, be a dear and restrain your sister.” She snapped the scissors experimentally.
Celestia muttered something about ‘escaping the thoughtless actions of mortals’ before acting. She leapt from the throne, clearly intending to go over the silver unicorn and out of the open doorway behind her. She hadn’t gotten halfway before a blue magical aura slammed her down to the hard, hard floor. Her eyes watered in pain from the impact.
She immediately struggled to get to her feet, intending to sprint away from the approaching WMD (Weapon of Mane Destruction). Four heavy weights stopped her legs from responding. The four guards each hugged a leg tightly, fear evident in their expressions.
And fear they should, Celestia thought. She flicked her forelegs clear with a single shake of her mighty hooves, but was stopped from removing the last two captors when her sister’s magic again slammed into her. Celestia was badly winded, and this time unable to move at all. For the first time in a long time, possibly ever, she was completely powerless. It felt like a mountain was on her back.
The groomer peered down at Celestia from above her glasses. “Trust me, child. This will be over soon.” I’m a millennium older than you, she snapped back, or would have if she could move her mouth. Instead she glared at her sister, who stood to left of the groomer. The oversized scissors levitated over to the ruined mane.
SNIP!
A tuft of hair longer than a pony fell away from a precise cut. Even Celestia had to admit that it looked awful with marshmallow mixed into it, not that that made it any better to have her mane cut against her will.
SNIP!
Another streak of hair fell away. Horrible dandruff became visible in the bald spot that remained. Celestia’s eyes watered slightly.
SNIP!
The tears came naturally now, as if mourning for a lost friend. In a sense, she was. Her mane had been there for as long as she cared to remember, a constant companion through both good and bad.
SNIP! SNIP!
The cutting sped up. Celestia sniffled.
SNIP! SNIP!
Celestia used her magic to pull her fallen hair to her, forming a pillow of sorts to bury her face in. It smelled (unsurprisingly) of roasted marshmallow.
SNIP! SNIP! SNIP!
A strand of gentle magic moved her remaining mane together for a cut. There wasn’t much left now.
SNIP! SNIP!
She could feel the sunshine from the windows resting upon the top of her head. It was strangely comforting, as if the sun had been waiting to help her in a moment of weakness.
SNIP! SNIP!
Celestia raised her head, basking in the warmth. She found solace in it. Looking down at her severed mane now brought disgust instead sadness. It was messy and disgusting; she now understood.
SNIP!
There was no more cutting. A long moment passed. And then another.
A minute passed while Celestia gazed down at the tattered corpse of her mane. It was horribly tangled, pasted together with a white, goopy substance. It was impossible to tell where individual strands ended and the next began.
The weight of Luna’s magic gradually decreased until it faded completely. Celestia realized that she had held her breath throughout the entire ordeal, unable to move her breast enough to draw in fresh breath. She purged her lungs of the stale air and drew in a new breath a moment later.
A hoof clopped down on her shoulder. Luna looked down happily into her sister’s face. A warm smile brought Celestia comfort.
“Better?” Celestia glanced over to the groomer before returning her gaze to her sister. She ignored the question, instead drawing herself up with all the regality she could muster in her damaged state. Luna stepped back to give her room.
“How bad is it?” She asked weakly. The sun shone down on her bald dome, reflecting off the shiny surface in a halo of light.
“Beautiful,” Luna replied.
The two of them walked out of the hall into Canterlot, smiling gaily.
The groomer stood back and watched them with pride.
This was my second fic. I know this wasn't too great. You're welcome to rip on me in the comments if it makes you feel like a big boy. If you want real comedy, I'd suggest reading GorisTheDeathclaw's works. He graciously edited my work and is a far superior comedian.
Thanks for reading.
