Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland

by ClickClackTheBrony

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other
Length: 106494

Episodic FOE side fic with a shot of surreal.

Just a few weeks before the Stable Dweller first saw the sky, a young unicorn named Click Click from New Appleloosa is overcome by wanderlust and decides to see the world, joining up as a guard with the Checkmate Company. It starts off normal enough, but when his first job involves escorting an important delivery to the Cult of Discord, he ends up having to kiss his life of normalcy goodbye. Warning: Silly, but still grimdark.

Creative Team:
Click Clack- Author
Tutis- Editor
Trivial- Editor
Beep Beep- Prereader
Delta- Prereader
Twilitlightning- Prereader
Chris the Herb- Prereader

Published 2012-11-20 09:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-26 15:55:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Stable Vices

Chapter 1: Stable Vices

"Another day, another dungeon..."

(6_9)...

My first day in the Wasteland consisted mostly of walking and chatting with the rest of the group. However, on the way I couldn't help but notice a few very weird things happening: first we found seven little garden gnomes set up together in a little hole with pickaxes, then we found a dead guy sitting at a table with some playing cards and four red balls, and finally we came across a skeleton in a refrigerator that was wearing a Daring Do getup. For each occurrence, I got a strange little icon in the upper left of my EFS that showed a walleyed pony (much like a non-ghoul Ditzy Doo) and an ellipsis. It looked a little like this (6_9) …

However, other than that… it was very boring. I got to chat with my traveling companions a little bit though, and got to know them a little bit better, with the exception of Calamity, who kept to the air. First off, there was Chess, the group’s leader. We didn't interact much, but we did swap PipBuck tags in case we got separated for whatever reason. Better safe than sorry right?

Chess spent most of his time with Chisel, a unicorn from Tenpony Tower who carved the statue we were carrying and was accompanying us to fix the statue with his magic in case something caused it to break along the way. His coat was sky blue (at least if the pictures of the sky in books I’d read were accurate) and his mane was light purple. He had a very ornate looking cutie mark of a block of marble with a hammer and chisel crossed over it. From the way he complained about the commonplace filth in the Wasteland, I’m guessing this was his first time out of Tenpony.

Calamity, as our pegasus, spent most of his time keeping a lookout in the air. It was too bad, I’d wanted to talk with him a bit, but I guess with raiders potentially running about it was best to have an eye in the sky. Especially an eye with two high powered rifles attached to it.

The other two permanent members of the Checkmate Company were Knight and Bishop. Knight was a dirty-looking green earth pony mare with a white crew cut mane. She was dressed in heavy combat armor that covered her cutie mark and was armed with a dual assault rifle battle saddle.

Bishop, on the other hoof, was a white unicorn with a dark green mane dressed in recon armor that covered his whole body. He always seemed to have a pleasant look of contentment on his face, as if he could see peace and beauty even in the stark Wasteland around him.

Then there was Tricky, a cream colored unicorn with a brown mane and glasses. He walked with a confidant gait and wore leather armor that was a lot like mine, but heavier. His cutie mark was a trio of grey colored apples.

We also had Stellar, a cute periwinkle earth pony mare with a dark purple mane and a cutie mark of a silver sheriff badge. She was dressed in light police barding with the letters "S.P.D” written on it.

And finally me, the blue guy chugging Sparkle Cola... Sparkle Cola which I very nearly choked on when I was startled by the thunder that shook the Wasteland. Seconds later, we were drenched in rain.

“UGH! I hate this place! I swear after this I’m never leaving the Tower again!” whined Chisel.

“I know. I got water in places it shouldn’t be,” griped Knight.

“Wait, shouldn’t it get everywhere when you bathe?” Bishop said, raising an eyebrow at her and magically creating a ceilinglike shield above us.

“'Bathe?' What the Hell is a 'bathe?'” she asked. Somehow I sensed she was serious.

“Relax, I know a place we can stay near here, just follow me,” said Chess casually, tapping a few buttons on his PipBuck. He then adjusted our path just slightly to the east, and in a few minutes led us to a small cave in the ground. My Pipbuck told me that I had found Stable 97.

“Wait… is this a Stable? Aren’t those kinda dangerous?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, 97 is harmless,” Bishop explained. “Its inhabitants were all wiped out by some kind of accident, and since then it’s been completely picked clean by scavengers. Now, however, it’s a perfect place for travelers to get out of the rain, if they know where it is. There’s not much else out here, and a lack of people to steal from makes it so there’s no reason for raiders to be here. Not only that, but it’s so well hidden that ninety-nine percent of the time we get the place to ourselves, and even then the locks on the doors still all work, so we’ll have privacy. The only thing we’d need to worry about is the geckos that get in sometimes, but they’re rarely a real threat.”

“Wow, that’s actually pretty sweet,” I said.

“As long as the place is dry I’ll be happy, or at least less miserable” groaned Chisel.

The cave to the Stable sloped down about ten feet, causing the rain to pool up to our ankles, much to Chisel’s disdain. Chess approached a control panel to the Stable door and pressed a few buttons, making the door slide back into the Stable, emitting the earsplitting screech of dozens of rusty gears, all screaming in protest over being forced to move… not unlike the way Chisel was screaming in protest over being forced to come in contact with anything remotely unclean.

As the Stable door swung open, we all rushed inside, Chess closing the door again immediately after we were all inside, lest the room become more flooded than it already was from the deluge escaping in through the door with us. The floor around the door was stained brown with rust, and the whole thing had an overpowering smell of mildew, most likely the result of previous flooding. Even worse than the smell was the sight of several ancient pony skeletons strewn about the room, their bones crushed and trampled by careless treasure hunters and scavengers over the years. That, combined with the dim, flickering lights, gave the entire place a foreboding aura of death and danger, despite Bishop’s previous insistence that the place was safe.

“Well, this is it, Stable 97,” said Chess as he led our pack brahmin to one of the walls where he hitched them to a pipe on the wall and gave them some food. “If we're lucky, the rain will have let up by morning, and we'll leave then.”

“Ah, Stables. I haven’t been in one of these since Stable 135,” said Tricky. “Stable-Tec had a really fucked up experiment for that one. Every major decision was made with a magic 8 ball, and it ended up telling them to pour toxic gas in all their air vents. By the time I got there, a brutal gang of raiders had taken over, and I had to clear them all out.”

I winced, reminded again of how lucky I was that my ancestors got out of their little death trap… although the ponies of Stable 135 must have been extraordinarily stupid to gas their whole Stable on the request of a children's toy.

“Any good loot in here, ya think?” asked Calamity.

“Funny you should ask, every time we come back here, there’s a bunch of bottlecaps and ammo and stuff in all the old lockers and crates that we thought were empty the last time,” Bishop said.

“Yeah, not like I’m complainin’ about it though. If some retard wants to leave his stuff for us to take, I won’t stop him,” said Knight, taking off her soaked armor and revealing the three speeding bullets on her thigh. She then started shaking the water off her coat… and onto everyone else.

“Hey! Watch it! But the free ammo and caps sounds good,” Calamity said.

“Alright, I’ll show you around if you want. I know this Stable from top to bottom. The only place I haven’t been in before is a locked room near the bottom, but it’s not like that's going to be even remotely relevant to us.”

“Mind if I tag along?” asked Stellar. “I hate having nothing to do, and I heard that you can find some pretty interesting things in these places. Even if there's nothing to scavenge, it's certainly an interesting piece of history.”

“I guess I’ll come too,” I said. I figured I had nothing better to do, and it’d be a good opportunity to get to know my companions better.

“Well, I know how dangerous some of these stables can be, so I’d better follow you guys too, to make sure you all stay out of danger,” said Tricky.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything to be afraid of in this one. Just geckos,” said Bishop.

“What kind? Just the little ones?”

“Yup. No fire breathers in here, fortunately.”

“Heh, you should see the acid spewing ones they got up in the mountains. Fuckers were as big as a pony and could melt your flesh right off. Maybe I’ll tell you about ‘em while we’re down here.”

“Lookin' forward to it! Knight, Chisel, Chess, you guys wanna come with us?” Bishop asked.

“No, I’m just going to find someplace to lie down and pretend I’m not here...” whined Chisel.

“And I think I’ll just find some place to lie down and pretend he’s not here,” said Knight. “Besides, I’ve seen this place like a bajillion times, and it’s boring as Hell. Plus I got a date with a Playmare magazine and a couple bottles of Applejack Daniels!”

“Ugh, you vulgar mare!” Chisel said, scowling accusingly.

“Um, Knight, can I have a word with you for a moment?” asked Chess, who led Knight down a hallway and into a nearby room where I guess he thought we couldn’t hear him and proceeded to give her the verbal equivalent of a chainsaw to the face. “Listen! Chisel is very respected back at Tenpony Tower, and his words carry a lot of weight which could be great or terrible for business from ponies in the Tower, so I want to make a good impression on him. The problem is that it’s hard enough keeping him happy out here in the Wasteland where he’s out of his element, and you and your… youness isn’t helping. Now stop fucking this up for me!”

“What? How do you weigh a word?" asked Knight, genuinely confused.

What we heard next was a strange, dull noise. My first thought was that Chess bopped her on the head, but then I realized that the sound was far too hollow and echoey for that, like he hit an empty coconut.

“OW!” Knight groaned. “Fine, I won’t talk about drunken clopping while the rich guy’s around… prude.”

As Chess and Knight came back out, I looked back at Chisel, who was chuckling to himself, in the best humor that I’d seen him in all day. Huh… I would have expected dropping an F-Bomb and hitting a mare to have a less positive effect on someone from high society, but something told me that Chess had just earned a few brownie points with him.

“I’m sorry about my associate, Chisel. I assure you, she’ll be watching her tongue far more closely from now on,” said Chess.

“Ha ha… It… haha… It’s quite alright,” the aristocratic sculptor said, still trying to suppress chuckles. “Perhaps you can tell me a bit more about your other enterprises a bit. I suddenly find myself in a rather good mood, and certainly an ambitious pony like yourself has more than a few interesting stories to tell about your escapades in the Wasteland. I may not be much of an outdoorsman myself, but I’ve always had a weakness for tales of ponies who are a little more inclined towards adventure.”

“Oh of course. As hard rough as a life in the Wasteland can be, as you’ve seen, it often makes for a great story afterwards. I remember once a year or so back when I was hired to rescue a group of ponies that had been kidnapped by a gang of Red Eye’s slavers…” Chess said as he led Chisel down the hallway and around a corner, grinning from ear to ear at the chance for more face time with an influential pony.

“Ha. If that guy wanted stories about badassery, he should have come to me,” said Tricky dryly. “I once wiped out an entire slaver camp and saved at least five dozen slaves, all alone and with only a silenced 11 millimeter.”

“And I once wiped out a raider camp while sloshed out of my mind, but ya don’t see me braggin’ about it,” said Knight. “Anyway, like I said, I’m gonna get drunk and clop. Later, assholes!” She picked up her discarded gear and walked off down the hallway as well, but took a deliberate turn in the opposite direction from the one Chess and Chisel took.

I gotta say, Chisel had the right idea about her. "Is she always like that?" I asked Bishop.

"Pretty much," said Bishop. "Still, what she lacks in manners, brains, common decency, and moral fiber, she more than makes up for in combat skills. Believe it or not, putting up with her is more than worth it when the chips are down."

I was gonna have to see that to believe it.

Still, now wasn't the time for being annoyed by a mare that wasn't even with us at the moment. Now was the time for pointless and probably unrewarding adventure!

The first place Bishop showed us was the residential areas, which was probably also the most important, as the former homes of the Stable's previous residents would probably be where we slept tonight. We also left our barding there to let it dry off, taking only our saddlebags and other light gear. Bishop said we wouldn't really even need the protection, since the geckos were hardly a threat, and anything they did would be nothing that a sip of healing potion couldn't fix. I gotta be honest, I was kinda glad to get out of my barding; after going basically naked for twenty-one years, it was really odd to have its weight on me. I couldn't imagine how Bishop could put up with barding on his whole body, let alone Knight, who had the same thing with METAL.

When picking out my room for the night, I didn't have very much criteria, mostly just that there wasn't a skeleton in the bed, like there was in the first room I checked. Funny story; I actually didn't notice until I decided to rest my legs as the rest of the group got their own rooms ready. I just plopped down on the bed, when I felt something poking me in the ribs. I got up, took the covers off, and... well, let's just say there are few things more capable of making me scream than realizing that I just laid down in a dead guy, most of their bones crushed or missing to the point where it was able to lay unnoticeably flat.

The second room on the other hoof was just right: nice and corpse free. It did, however, have an active terminal. I expected my teammates to take a little more time before Bishop showed us the rest of the Stable, so I decided to take a look at it.

The opening screen was divided into three different folders: My Info, Status Updates, Messages, and Games. I decided to pick "My Info." It led to a screen showing numerous different bits of info about the pony who owned the terminal, including a picture with a surprisingly high resolution compared to what I normally thought these terminals were capable of, depicting a rather old mare, perhaps in her fifties or so. Beneath the picture was a list of basic biographical statistics about the mare and a short, self written description.

Name: Bon Bon

Sex: Female

Special Talent: Candy making

Relationship: Single

Interested in: Mares

About me: Before the bombs fell I worked for the Ministry of Morale, and before that I was a candy maker in Ponyville. It's been really hard for me ever since the bombs fell, not just because of the transition to Stable life, but because my wife, Lyra, was in Canterlot at the time and didn't make it in here. I know that I can never replace her, but I've been trying to move on. I think that's what she would have wanted, but I just don't know if I can. I really hope there's someone in here for me though.

Below Bon Bon's bio, there was a button that said "Edit." Out of curiosity I clicked it, only for a message to pop up saying that there had been too many failed password entries, and that I should contact one of the Stable's long dead admins.

I backed out to the first page again, this time choosing "Status Updates."

BON BON

I'm leaving. The radiation outside can't be any worse out there than in here. If anyone's still alive to read this, goodbye.

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

BON BON

I just managed to force my door open and all I could find in the hallways were corpses. Everyone else's doors are locked, and I couldn't hear anything inside most of them, except weird animal growing noises from a couple... I think that scares me more than the silence. Please, if anypony can read this, answer me!

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

BON BON

It's been two days since the first explosion and nopony's posted anything...

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

BON BON

There was another explosion just now. I'm so afraid... I don't wanna die yet.

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

BON BON

I haven't got any updates from my friends, so I'm sending Friend Requests to everypony else that I can get to, hoping to find someone.

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

BON BON

Help! Something's wrong with me! Something's wrong with my skin and I can't get my door open!

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

BON BON

Is everyone all right? I'm not getting any updates from anyone and my PipBuck's Geiger counter is clicking like crazy! I'm too scared to leave my room, what's going on?

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

WATERDROPS

i feel sick

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

OVERMARE GLITTERDUST

Everypony please remain calm. The sound and shaking was the result of... something that you need not worry about. Nonetheless, please CALMLY report to your rooms immediately, where it is safe. Not that anything unsafe is going on, just that you will be even more safe than normal in there.

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

GINGERBREAD

Bullshit.

198 years ago. Like.

PERIWINKLE

We're all going to die, aren't we?

198 years ago. Like.

See all comments...

BABY'S BREATH

What was that sound?

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

WATERDROPS

Did anyone else feel that?

Like. Comment. Share. 198 years ago.

Before I could read anything else, I heard Bishop calling. "Hey, Click, you okay? We're waiting on you!"

I realized that I'd lost track of time looking through the terminal, and immediately ran out to greet my companions."Sorry, I found a terminal in there and kinda lost track of time reading through it."

"Oh yeah, you got Bon Bon's room, one of the only ones that still has an active terminal. I read some of that before, pretty interesting stuff," he began to explain the whole history of the Stable, like he was some kind of overenthusiastic tour guide. "Like most of the Stables, Stable 97 had a creepy experiment performed on its inhabitants. This one was meant to test a theory that ponies would get along with each other better if everypony was exceedingly open about their lives. To do this, all of the Stable's inhabitants were given use of a Social Networking program called MyStable, which allowed them to tell everypony else about what they were doing every minute of every day and were encouraged to use it as much as possible. Of course, nopony knows what kind of effect this had on the ponies, since after two years there was a catastrophic accident with the Stable's nuclear reactor, causing it to leak radiation into the place and killed all of its inhabitants, the only exception being Bon Bon, who was turned into a ghoul and managed to leave for the Wasteland. Fortunately, since then the reactor has died out or something, preventing any further radioactivity, and the Stable has switched to a slightly less effective backup energy talisman to power the place."

Bishop led us further into the Stable to the elevator. From what Bishop said, every Stable was different, but elevators were very rare. It looked kinda old, but Bishop insisted that it was safe and could support all of us, which it did just fine.

Each floor was specialized for a different function, but when Calamity got there, the only purpose any of them was able to serve was "scavenger hunting ground". The floor we came in on was mostly residential, but, as Bishop explained, also designed for defense in case of attackers from the outside. The next floor down had even more space for Stable dwelling ponies, and the floor below that had a cafeteria and some kind of rec room. Below that, an empty field of dirt which Bishop said used to be an apple orchard that was supposed to feed the whole Stable. The last two levels were meant to have higher security than the upper ones, but fortunately the locks in the elevator rooms there had been long broken into so we had no problem getting in. Even the armory, the first of the two lower floors, was left wide open to us. Below that, there was a single floor for storage rooms, maintenance rooms, and the Overmares office, but only the storage rooms were accessible. The rest were down a hallway behind a door that didn't work. As we went through the Stable, we came across several containers that by all logic should have been empty, yet still contained a bounty of ammo, caps, scrap metal, even cigarettes and clipboards. We all shared the caps and took whatever kinds of ammo our respective guns could use, but only Calamity had any desire for the rest of the stuff, which he indiscriminately shoved into his saddlebags.

When we entered the main storage room, we saw that it was filled to the brim with several crates and lockers just waiting to be scavenged. I think I saw Calamity start drooling before he darted into the stacks of boxes, finding cap after cap and bullet after bullet.

I rolled my eyes at the scene. Sure, I couldn't complain about the free caps and bullets I was getting out of this, but in the big scheme of things, what Calamity found wasn't very much, only about a dozen caps apiece when we divided it all. It was about that time however that I noticed Bishop's cutie mark, a group of green stars. I thought for a second that maybe it was about literal stars or something, but given the Enclave covering the sky up, that would be a real lousy talent. "Hey, Bishop, what's that cutie mark mean?" I asked.

"My cutie mark? It symbolizes my skill with magic," he said.

"Magic? You're lucky, that's gotta be so useful," said Stellar. "I thought for a second that maybe it was about literal stars or something, but given the Enclave covering the sky up, that would be a really lousy talent."

"So, what kind of spells do you have?" I asked. My own spells were typically the kind used for communication. In addition to basic levitation, I could throw my voice, make sounds louder, even play sounds I've heard like a holotape, and several other things of that nature, but I'd always wondered what it must be like to have such a diverse pool of abilities at your disposal.

"Oh, lots of them. I can make shields, shoot lightning out of my horn, heal wounds, all sorts of things. Maybe I can teach you and Tricky some since we're down here," offered Bishop.

"Wait... teach us? Can we do that? I thought we could only have spells related to our special talents," I asked, hoping that I was wrong. I wanted to shoot some lightning!

"Well, not all of my spells of course, and without a talent for magic you'll probably never be able to do it as well as me, but not everything is black and white regarding special talents. You know Applejack, the Minsistry Mare of the M.W.T., right? Her special talent was farming apples, but she was also allegedly a great athlete and the best baker in Po-"

"Yeah, I know all about her," interrupted Tricky, "I got friends in the Steel Rangers. They let me look at some memory orbs of Applejack's. You didn't hear it from me, but apparently she had a lesbian affair with Rainbow Dash in the early years of the war."

"Wait," said Stellar, "you're friends with Steel Rangers? And they let you look at their stuff? They're complete xenophobes, how'd you get that much on their good side?"

"Oh, believe me, it wasn't easy. They were trying to get into a Stable that had been overrun with Hulkhounds, and I volunteered to help them out if I could have a bit of the loot."

"Hulkhounds?"

"You know, those big, digging monsters that can cut through anything with their claws."

"Don't you mean Hellhounds?"

"Oh, uh yeah, I do. They called 'em Hulkhounds where I'm from. It's a regional thing."

"Yeah, and you wiped out a Stable full of them? On your own?" Her incredulousness was almost tangible.

"Yes! I used stealth!" insisted Tricky. "I just used one of those StealthBuck thingies and with a lot of patience and waiting, I cleared the place out. Afterwards, the Steel Rangers were so grateful for it that they made me an honorary member. They taught me to use power armor and everything."

"Power armor... but you're a unicor-"

"Hey, Bishop, what were you saying about Applejack before Stellar so rudely interrupted you?" Tricky said, rapidly changing the subject.

"But you were the one who interrupted hi-" Stellar was about to object before Tricky shushed her.

"Nonononono," Tricky said, waving a hoof at her. "Let Bishop tell his story. If you wanna talk, wait your turn."

"Tricky, shut up," I said, unable to stand by and watch as such shameless jerkitude took place. "You were the one who interrupted Bishop; she interrupted you, and even then only to point out that your story has more holes than a target board made of Swiss cheese after visiting an acupuncturist."

Tricky could only stammer a bit while Stellar chuckled. Click 1, Tricky 0.

"Well... uh..." Bishop resumed, losing his place after the argument. "Oh! Anyway, as I was saying, Applejack's special talent was farming apples, but she was multitalented far beyond what a single cutie mark could show. Athleticism, baking, even sharpshooting once guns were invented. Who knows, maybe her cutie mark just took the form of whichever one she discovered first. That's my theory anyway, but it's beside the point. Basically, just because you have a talent for one type of magic doesn't mean that you can't do any magic related to some secondary talent or something. Even then, I've seen a few ponies who had a limited magic skillset but for some reason also knew a weird miscellaneous spell that doesn't fit anything else they do, like a mustache growing spell on an otherwise magicless caravan guard. So I figure that you may as well try to learn something new. Even if it doesn't work, there's no harm in an attempt, right?"

"Sounds good to me!" I said. Bishop's theory on multiple talents kind of made sense when I thought about it. I'd always loved the thought of helping ponies talk to each other, even if it was just fixing radios so ponies could hear the DJ, but I was also just good with repair and tinkering in general. I didn't have any spells for that (I wasn't even sure what kind of spells there were that were meant for repairponies) but if I had more than one talent, then maybe, just maybe I had more spells than just communication.

"Yes!" Tricky said enthusiastically, willing to completely forget the massive amounts of scorn we had just piled on him if it meant a shot at learning a few new spells. "Teach me something! I can't be stuck with just stupid levitation for my whole life!" I had a small pang of sympathy hearing that (VERY small, like premature baby midget pygmy amoeba levels of small, but it was there). Nearly every unicorn I had ever met had at least some magic beyond levitation. It was useful, but I can't imagine getting too much done with just that. It was like being only half a unicorn.

Bishop nodded, "Alright then. The first spell we should try is probably one of the most useful spells there is for a pony in the Wasteland, and one of the easiest to learn for unicorns in general: shields." His horn glowed green, and a matching bubble of solid magic appeared around him. "If you can stay focused, these things will block bullets for you even better than most armor can. The only downside is that it's very hard to shield and use other spells at the same time. Still, this thing is a real lifesaver if you can do it." The shield disappeared, but then Bishop's horn glowed again and created another one, this one a flat wall instead of a bubble. "Bubbles provide 360 degree cover, so they're the better ones to use, but flat shapes are good if you want to conserve magic, or if you're blocking a hallway. To do either one, you simply need to use the same type of magic that you use for levitation, but focus a whole lot of it in a specific area in the shape that you want."

Both me and Tricky gave it a shot. A few yellow sparks fell limply out of Tricky's horn, his magical ability apparently insufficient to perform the spell. Hoping I had more of a talent for it, I focused my power into a into the shape of a wall in front of me, like Bishop had done. At first, I thought it wasn't working, but then I noticed that my snow white magic was beginning to congeal into a solid shape. It started off small, around the size of a tack, but then it began to expand outward until it was as big as my hoof, my eye, my head... and then it just kinda got stuck there. It had still been more than I expected though. Experimentally, I moved the little buckler of a shield around a bit and found that I could make it sort of dance around me. I briefly entertained the notion that I could move it around really fast and achieve the same effect as a whole shield, but I knew that realistically that was just impossible. In a moment of whimsy, I tried molding it into a bubble shape, and it almost looked like a little parasprite. Sure at that size it was useless, but at least it was cute.

"Wow, even if at that size it's useless, at least it's cute," commented Stellar. Hey, that's what I said... or thought, whatever.

"Yeah, plus its more than most ponies can do, maybe there's some other spells that you can use at their full power," said Bishop.

"Yeah, yeah, he made a little ball. Now can we try something else? How about that lightning spell? I wanna have a spell that can kill stuff!" Tricky said.

"Alright then. This one is obviously dangerous, so make sure you do exactly as I say," Bishop said as he levitated a bunch of empty boxes and arranged them into two stacks against the wall. "Click, you take the one on the left, Tricky, you got the right. Now, this time, instead of using the same type of magic that you use for levitation, you need to make this magic feel more electric and focus it in the tip of your horn. Once you've charged it enough, release it in a certain direction. Sometimes, though, ponies can't give their magic that electric quality, so if you can't do that, you could try a laser attack, which basically works the same way but without electricity. The only problem with that is that it's more concussive in nature and you have to put a LOT of force into it for it to be useful in combat, otherwise it'll just kind of tap the target harmlessly.”

I couldn’t get the ‘electric’ feeling in my magic that bishop was talking about, so instead I opted for the laser spell. I let it charge up in my horn, and unleashed it at the boxes.

Plink!

I think I moved one of the boxes by at least half a centimeter. So much for me shooting lasers…

I looked sideways at Tricky, electricity arcing around his horn, and a determined look in his eye. It looked like he could actually do it!

ZAP!

Lightning burst from his horn, but it wasn’t a direct bolt directed at the stack of boxes. The spell went wild, bursting from his horn in all directions. Still damp from the rain, everypony there got a good shock, but fortunately nothing we couldn’t just walk off. However, the lightning also struck at the walls of the room and traveled into the electrical system, which had the much more profound effect of knocking out the light in the entire Stable and sending us into complete darkness.

Bishop illuminated the place with his horn, as did me and Tricky. We may not have known many spells, but light was even easier than levitation.

“What just happened?” Calamity asked, carefully hovering towards us.

“I think Tricky just shorted out the Stable’s energy talisman. Didn’t I tell you to focus it toward a specific spot?” said Bishop.

“I thought all I had to do was point my horn,” said Tricky sheepishly.

“Oh no…” Stellar said, her face growing pale. She turned and ran back toward the elevator, where she began to frantically press the ‘UP’ button to no avail. “Guys? How are we going to get back up?”

“Don’t worry,” said Bishop. "This is going to be really inconvenient, but we’re not trapped forever. Worst case scenario we’re stuck here until Chess finds a way to bring us back up. It may take a day or two, but he has the resources get us out and there’s no way he’d just abandon us. Trust me, in all my time working for him, I’ve found that Chess can always be counted on for two things: being greedy with caps, and being good to his employees. Plus he knows exactly where we are since he’s got Click’s PipBuck tag.”

“Oh… Alright, so at least we’re not totally screwed. Still, is there any other way out of here? I’d rather not have to wait two whole days for Chess to rescue us.”

“Well… there is one other possibility… If Tricky just blew a fuse or something, then all we’d need to do is replace it. The only issue is that both the electrical room and everything else we’d need are all stuck behind that broken door. The only through is if we fixed it.”

“Just fixing a door? I've been a repairpony for the past seven years, maybe I can take a crack at it?” I suggested.

“That’s good. Ah’d do it, but Ah cain’t see a dang thing without a horn,” admitted Calamity.

Bishop showed me to the door. Like all of the Stable doors I’d seen here, it was the type that slid upward into the wall above rather than swinging in or out, and it was controlled by a panel next to it.

My first thought was that there was something wrong with the electronics that prevented the panel from working, and maybe without the electricity it could just be forced open. Unfortunately, even with all of our combined strength, it wouldn't budge. There was one other way though: if I opened up one of the walls I could probably remove whatever mechanism was keeping the door in place. Fortunately, there was a metal plate above the door that was easily removable for easy access by maintenance workers. One I removed that, I could see a system of gears that allowed the door to move up or down. I figured that maybe I could just remove one of the gears and loosen the door that way, but unfortunately they seemed to be attached using a type of heavy bolt that would need some kind of power tool or other device that was much stronger than anything I had. However, after looking closely at the gears one more time, I saw something: a tiny metal washer stuck between two of the gears. It must have fallen in there back during whatever disaster killed the Stable’s original inhabitants. With a bit of force, I was able to pull the little thing out. Once the gear was free, I tried moving the door manually again. It was sort of heavy, but nothing we couldn’t move with enough force.

“That’s it?” I asked. “I had to remove a washer? This Stable’s been exposed to all sorts of prospectors and scavengers for nearly two hundred years, and I’m the first pony with enough repair skill to do that? I’ve literally been out in the Wasteland for a day!”

“That’s nothing,” said Tricky, “on my first day in the Wasteland, I disarmed an unexploded balefire bomb!”

Y'know, my BS senses had been tingling every time Tricky opened his mouth, but this one really took the cake.

"Y'know, my BS senses have been tingling every time you've opened your mouth, but this one really takes the cake," accused Stellar (really, again?.) "You disarmed a freaking balefire bomb? That's not the kind of thing anypony besides a trained expert from the war times should be capable of, let alone some random kid on his first time in the Wasteland! You've been bragging about supposedly awesome stuff you've done all day, but you haven't made one claim that I don't doubt."

"Oh really?" Tricky said, staring her down. "Well, I may not look it, but I'm the best damn Wastelander out there, and I've done more badass stuff this past year than you'll ever do in your lifetime!"

"I was a sheriff in Stalliongrad and I helped bring down a gang that was selling chems to foals," she deadpanned.

Tricky glared at her, then turned and took a few steps away. As he did so, I noticed that a little picture of a musical note popped up in my EFS... Oh tell me he's not...

Slow, melancholy music began to play...

He is...

{{Tricky is Best Pony, set to the tune of Crystal Fair Song}}

"You think that I'm full of it?

That every time I spoke I have lied,

If you lived in my shoes

Let me tell you, you would have died

I'm telling you the truth

and I'm gonna make you see

Fact of the matter is Tricky is the best pony."

From that point on the song sped up a bit and Tricky's voice filled with the same confidence we'd come to expect from him.

"I've killed whole gangs of raiders,

Stables are a walk in the park,

I've scrapped four giant robots,

I have a third nut that glows in the dark!

"I am telling you the truth! I am gonna make you see!

Fact of the matter is Tricky is the best pony!

"I once found a peacefull village

but their defense was weak as glass

Once day slavers tried to take them,

So I kicked some slaver ass!

"I am telling you the truth! I am gonna make you see!

Fact of the matter is Tricky... Is the best pony!"

As Tricky ended the song and the music from nowhere disappeared, my PipBuck gave me another notification saying "Tricky is Best Pony MP3 now saved." What? No! I didn't want that!

Stellar, distracted by a PipBuck recording unwanted songs for her, immediately pointed out an obvious inconsistency in his song. "Tricky, we're naked and in nearly complete darkness, so I can plainly see that neither of your nuts are glowing."

"Well, I had it removed, obviously. I kept it in a jar for a while, until I used it to kill a power armored alicorn. POW! One hit right in the head took the bitch down!" Tricky gloated some more.

Stellar just stared at him for a moment and said "Y'know what? I'm not even mad at you. You stick to your principles. Now let's go replace that fuse. Bishop, lead the way."

Bishop did not know anything about the Stable's layout from beyond the door, but it seemed fairly straightforward. There was a hallway with several highly specialized rooms (which Calamity swore to loot once we had enough light.) There was a PipBuck technician's room, a room full of repair parts for terminals, even a room dedicated entirely to plungers. Finally, we did find a room with electrical equipment in it, including spare fuses. The fuse box, however, must have been in another room. We continued on, taking a few fuses with us.

At the end of the hall was a staircase leading one floor down (I guess Stable-Tec foresaw the disaster of having the fuses and fuse box separated by an elevator) but next to the staircase was the Overmare's office; I couldn't resist taking a peek. Stellar stayed with me while the rest of the group continued on. Like me, she was the curious type.

Lighting the place with my magic, I could see that the Overmare had a small bookcase with several Pre-War books (score! I loved reading!), a clock, some picture frames, and a few other knick-knacks lying around which I didn't find worth a second glance. Slumped over the desk was the Overmare herself, or at least her skeleton, slumped over in front of her terminal which was still glowing with the aid of its internal battery.

I walked over and saw that she had died in the middle of writing something, another update to MyStable I guessed. Carefully, I levitated her bones out of the way and into a corner so Stellar and I could read her last message.

OVERMARE GLITTERDUST

In regards to the loud noise and shaking you all must have felt recently, it appears that there has been a VERY MINOR incident involving the Stable's highly volatile deadly nuclear reactor. I assure you, this is NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. Our engineer, Farm Freak, has been specifically trained to handle this type of situation. The fact that he should have easily been able to prevent this SHOULD NOT make you worry about his ability to fix it, I assure you, he can. By tomorrow we will all be able to look back on this and laugh :) On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED note, if any of you have any secrets or confessions that you need to get off your chests, any good books you've wanted to finish, or have yet to have your first kiss, et cetera, there is no time like the present, I always say! NOT THAT THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, I'm just saying we should all live every day like it's our last, you know what I'm sayfr bvgfctd ec

I noticed that the gibberish at the end corresponded roughly to the keys where the Overmare's skull had been.

"Emphasis does not equal credibility, Glitterdust..." Stellar chided the long dead pony.

I stared at the skeleton sympathetically. The whole thing was just sad. "She'd been trying to keep everyone calm even while radiation was leaking throughout the Stable," I sighed. "But there was no way she could have hid that kind of thing. If her own message didn't clue them in, their PipBucks would have."

Stellar's gaze fell on the corpse as well. "She was trying to protect hope. Even if there was no chance for success, she had to try. Even if the end result was just one pony showing that message to their foal and saying 'see, the Overmare says everything is going to be fine,' her attempt would have been worth it..." I turned to look at her and saw a tear in her eye.

"Hey... Are you okay?" I asked.

"I... I guess I'll get over it in a second. I was just thinking about all those ponies who died here. And Glitterdust there used her last moments alive to try and give them hope. To try and make everything better..." She choked on her words. "And now she's... look at her!" She turned away from the skeleton.

No.

From Glitterdust.

I suddenly realized that that wasn't just a skeleton, that used to be a living, breathing pony, no different than me. Then I remembered the skeletons at the entrance of the Stable, and the bones in that one bed I'd laid in. Up until now, they were just bones, leftover bits of ponies that died... Now, they were from ponies that had once lived. The one in this room was Glitterdust, the Overmare of a failed Stable who did everything that she possibly could have to bring even the smallest bit of hope into the dying moments of her citizens. There was also Waterdrops, a poor pony that lived just long enough to tell her friends what she thought was happening to her. All those skeletons in the entryway weren't just bones, they were a bunch of ponies swarming to the door, desperate for a chance to escape their imminent deaths only to fail and have their remains casually kicked aside by scavengers wanting to loot what had once been their home. And what kind of panic must have filled those last minutes of the Stable dwellers' lives?

I shuddered and placed my foreleg around Stellar, who had started to cry. "It's okay," I said. "They're in a better place now."

"Heh. I'll say... Sorry I'm kinda freaking out like this. I've just never seen this many corpses in one spot before. Y'know, there used to be a time when this kind of thing didn't happen, back before the war. All this senseless death in the Stables, the gangs and raiders, heck, practically every last bit of suffering we go through in the Wasteland, it all used to be completely unthinkable," she said, wiping a tear out of her eye.

"It will be again someday, I think."

"Maybe... But it won't be for a good while." She paused a moment, as if absorbing the meaning of her own words. "That's kinda why I'm out here you know? I was hoping that maybe I could do some good for the world, make it just a little bit more like the way it used to be. Me and my family have been keeping the peace in Stalliongrad for a while; Police work is sort of like a family business I guess. But one day I decided that the rest of my family could take care of the place and I've been out here trying to spread the same peace and justice we have in Stalliongrad to the rest of the Wasteland. I haven't really had that deep of an effect obviously, but let me tell you there has never been a town that's been worse off from me being there. Whether it's helping to fight off raiders or just tossing a few caps to a beggar, I try to leave things better than how I found them. That's my way of bringing justice to this unjust world. In fact, a long time ago, I decided that was my Virtue; Justice, that is." She had stopped crying now and was starting to smile at her memories of the good she'd help bring about.

"That's a good way to live," I said. "If more ponies did that, then maybe things would be as good as they are in Stalliongrad."

"Thanks Click Click. Not just for the compliment either, I needed someone to vent to about the Stable ponies and all."

"Anytime," I said. "And I need to thank you too: I've heard about Virtues before, but I never thought of mine... I should probably get one, shouldn't I?"

"Yeah, that is pretty important," she said, nodding. "But don't worry, you'll figure it out soon enough. Some say it comes as naturally as a Cutie Mark Talent. In the meantime, unless you want to do more in this room, let's go catch up with the others."

BANG!

A gunshot rang out from down the staircase, followed by even more.

"Yeah, they're probably gonna need us down there..." she added as we drew our weapons and rushed down.

Since we were running and they hadn't been, we caught up pretty quickly. They were toward the far end of the hallway, fighting off a small horde of geckos. Fortunately, by the time we reached them, the last Gecko had been taken down. Just as Bishop told us, they were barely a threat.

"Yeah, we sure wiped the floor with those suckers, didn't we, guys?" said Tricky, blowing smoke from the barrel of his gun.

Calamity nickered in annoyance "Tricky, the first thing you did when them geckos jumped out was drop yer gun. Ah saw you lookin' fer it the whole time me and Bishop were wipin' 'em out. Then when you actually found it again, you fired one shot and it missed, and then Ah killed the last gecko and the fight was over."

"N-No, I hit a different one than the one you were thinking of, that's all. And even the best of heroes drop their guns sometimes, right?"

"No. Nopony with the title of 'best anything' drops their gun."

As they were arguing, I noticed a red line on the compass at the bottom of my EFS. I immediately turned toward it, just in time to see a single Gecko jump out directly at me.

I brought my shotgun about, aiming it directly at the creature's chest and pulled the trigger. It hit it right in the middle of the ribcage, blasting the creature backwards onto it's back. The red line on my EFS disappeared. The whole thing happened over the course of about one second.

"Wow, that was a nice one! Good reflexes there!" Stellar said.

"Not bad for beginner's luck..." Tricky said, his voice betraying obvious jealousy.

"Yeah, it was mostly my PipBuck helping me see it coming," I admitted, although my mind wasn't really in the conversation. I was busy staring at the Gecko. All it took was one shot, one quick motion on my part, and it was dead. I didn't feel guilty about it, I knew I would have to kill something sooner or later and this was just a Gecko anyway. Still, I was almost taken aback by how easy it was to kill it. If somepony, like a raider, wanted to kill me, all they'd need is one good shot...

I guess I'd just have to see them first. Too bad raiders don't have EFS, heh heh.

It didn't take long for me to snap out of my little mini-trance. We were on our way again after just a moment or two. This floor had a wide hallway that lay directly at the floor's left side. It had only one door, one that led to a single massive room that held a giant supercomputer, undoubtedly the thing that allowed MyStable to keep working. There was another staircase to another floor, but first we decided to check out the computer room, just in case. It turned up empty, with only giant CPUs, but as were about to leave, we got another surprise...

"Hey! What are you punks doing down here?" called a unicorn from the room's entrance. He was using his horn for light, and it was so bright that I couldn't see his face under it, but the gruff, rocky voice told me enough about his appearance: he was a ghoul.

Bishop was the first to step forward. Despite being taken aback by the ghoul's sudden appearance, he quickly and plainly explained the situation. "The power went out through the whole Stable, and the elevator isn't working. We were trying to find the fuse box to fix it so we can get back up again."

"Hmph. I guess that would explain why MyStable isn't responding... Still, it's not your job to take care of the electricity in this place, it's mine. I didn't go through all that training to learn how to maintain a nuclear reactor just so a bunch of hooligans can try and do my job for me. Also, where's your barding? And what's with the guns, those are for security personnel only!"

"Wait..." said Stellar, "Nuclear reactor? Then... Are you Farm Freak?"

"Well duh! Of course I am! Even if you didn't know that I'm the electrician, surely you'd recognize the best Farmville player in the whole damn Stable! Level 417,859 and counting."

"What? Ha! He actually thinks we're from the Stable! What, does he not even know what happened?" Tricky said.

"Tricky..." Bishop warned.

"News flash, dummy. We aren't wearing Stable-Tec barding because we aren't from the Stable. We're from outside. Your Stable was wiped out by radiation almost two hundred years ago. You're only alive now because the radiation turned you into a ghoul, which is basically a zombie," Tricky said, ignoring Bishop.

"What? What kinda stupid, ridiculous story is that?" Farm Freak accused.

Wouldn't you know it, the one time Tricky tells the truth and it's still too far-fetched for the guy to believe.

"Wouldn't you know it, the one time Tricky tells the truth and it's still too far-fetched for the guy to believe," Stellar whispered to me.

"Y'know, that's the third time so far that you've said exactly what I was thinking. The first time could have been a coincidence, but now it's getting to where it's just creepy," I joked. I mean, obviously I didn't think she was really reading my mind or anything, but it was pretty weird.

"Wow, that is creepy. I mean, obviously I'm not reading your mind or anything, but that is pretty weird."

... Dang that's unnerving...

Meanwhile, Tricky was still trying to tell Farm Freak about his condition, "Don't believe me, just look at your reflection."

"You idiot!" Bishop seethed at Tricky, "Don't you know that that kind of trauma can make a ghoul go feral?"

It was too late to do anything. Farm Freak had already dimmed his light enough to where he could use the metal surfaces of the MyStable computers as mirrors. I was able to see him too, but I didn't enjoy looking. I know that ghouls are just normal ponies on the inside; heck, everyone in my family loved Derpy back home, but, well... their faces took a bit of getting used to.

Farm Freak's eyes grew wide as he saw his scarred face, all traces of fur gone and his flesh in shambles. "Oh shit!" he screamed in terror from seeing his ruined visage. "Oh shit..." he repeated in awe, realizing that Tricky was telling the truth. "Oh shit!" He said again, shocked at how much time had passed. "Oh shit..." his voice grew sad with the knowledge that everyone he knew was dead. "Oh shit... Glitterdust was always saying I was neglecting that reactor... Part of it must have burst, that would explain the radiation leak... Dammit, Glitterdust's gonna kill me!"

"Um, dude, Glitterdust is dead, haven't you been paying attention?" Tricky said.

"Oh... so I'm off the hook then?"

"'You're off the hook?' Is that all you have to say!?" Stellar stepped forward angrily, his last comment rubbing her the wrongest way possible. "Your whole Stable is dead because you didn't take care of that reactor right!"

"Hey, I had a good reason! I had to take care of my farm. Farmville is a demanding game!"

Stellar looked about ready to buck his head off, and Calamity looked ready to hold him down so she could. I wanted to
help too, but really holding someone and kicking them was just a two pony job.

"Guys, from the looks of things this guy's been playing that game for the past two centuries, he's clearly not right in the head," said Bishop.

"Who cares how crazy he is now? Even when he was a normal pony he was neglecting his job and got everypony killed," Calamity said coldly.

"Yeah, yeah, I know I screwed up," said Farm Freak, as casually as if his accidental mass homocide was a mere faux pas, "but what do you want me to do about it now? Go back in time and take care of the reactor? Let's worry about getting that fuse fixed so I can get back to my game. Come on, I'll show you where the fuse box is." He turned around and led us back out of the room.

That little... I clenched my teeth, holding back anger. I didn't know what I wanted to do to Farm Freak, but I didn't want to just let him go on contently with all that blood on his hooves. He wasn't outright malicious, but his sheer apathy toward what happened was just unforgivable!

"Let it go guys..." Bishop said to me, Calamity, and Stellar, "getting angry won't fix anything, and his mind is clearly warped. He just realized that he's been ghoulified for two centuries but two seconds later all he could think about was that game. No sane pony could get over that so fast. Even if he was bad in his mortal life, he isn't worth your time now."

Wordlessly, we agreed, but I was still angry. Glitterdust and the others deserved better.

Farm Freak led us to the bottom floor, which finally held what we were looking for. In the center of the room was a giant, defunct nuclear reactor, a huge hole blown out of its side which also looked to have taken out one of the walls, revealing dirt and a tunnel on the other side, explaining how the geckos had been getting in. On the far side of the room was where Farm Freak claimed the fuse box was held. We briskly ran to it, eager to get some better light than our horns alone could provide. We were so relieved that our job was done, we didn't even notice the strange sound behind us as we passed the reactor...

"*BZZT* INTRUD*BZZT*ERS DETEC-EC-EC-ECTED!"

Oh no...

We looked back, seeing a trio of robots floating around from behind the reactor, blocking the way back.

Robots... why did it have to be robots?

Each one was about one and a half times size of a pony, with three long, spindly arms apiece which each ended in a different interchangeable tip. On each robot's chassis, somepony had stenciled names for them: Nuts, Bolts, and Irving.

... Wait, 'Irving?'

"You three..." Farm Freak said, turning and approaching the robots. "You're the Stable's utility robots. What are you guys doing down here?"

Nuts, the robot in the middle, floated forward and spoke for the group, albeit with several speech impediments, the results of zero maintenance for nearly two hundred years. "WE WERE WERE WERE *BZZT* WERE SENT IN A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO REPAIR THE *BZZT* REEEEEEEACTOR THAT [Farm Freak] RUINED WITH HIS NE-NE-NE-NEGLIGENCE. SADLY-LY, OUR MISSION FAILED. WE NOW AWAIT FURTHER ORRRRRRRR*BZZT*-DERS. IDENTIFY YOURSSSSSSELF OR BE DESTROYED."

"What? I am Farm Freak, ya stupid robots!"

"NEGAT-T-T-T-T-TIVE. [Farm Freak] WAS MUCH UGLIER THAN YOU ARE. *BZZT*! COMMENCING VIOLENT DISMEMBERMENT!"

The three robots rocketed toward us, each brandishing one of their arm weapons. Nuts had a pair of buzz saws, Bolts opted for a flamethrower, and the Irving used a mop despite another one of his arms having a freaking plasma gun on the end of it. Thankfully, their speech systems weren't the only thing that had been damaged by the ravages of time.

Bishop took out the extra fuse we had grabbed and gave it to Farm Freak. "Here, we'll stay and fight, you get the lights back on. Our horns should be enough for now, but I'd really rather have better light when my life's on the line." The ghoul didn't have to be told twice.

Bolts went for Calamity instantly, setting the pegasus aflame. While Calamity immediately darted away to a safe distance to try and put the flames out, Bolts turned his attention to Bishop.

Nuts decided to go for me, rapidly whirling his arms around three hundred and sixty degrees and charging straight toward me. I fired my gun at him, but only got off one glancing shot before I realized I had to reload, and I was NOT going to just stand there reloading while I had a whirling death-bot coming at me, so I turned and ran.

Irving, the mop bot, decided to go for Tricky.

"HA!" Tricky laughed, "What are you going to do, clean me to death?"

The robot then punched him in the face with the mop, causing Tricky's nose to spew blood.

"OW! Damn robot! Take this!" Tricky drew his gun and opened fire, getting three direct hits before Irving smacked the weapon aside. As Irving hit the gun with the mop, he pulled another one of his arms forward to attack with: the plasma gun.

Irving looked at the weapon confusedly and said, "OH, I FORGOT I *BZZT* *BZZT* HAD THIS. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD HAVE USSSSSED IT FIR-FIR-FIRST. HAHA, ISN'T THAT FFFFFUUUUNNNNNYYY? NOW YOU WILL BECOME GOO AND DIE. IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE KILLING YOU."

Irving placed the gun right on Tricky's forehead and... nothing.

"IT SEEMS MY WEAPON HAS JAM-JAM-JAM-JAM-JAMMED. PLEASE WAIT WHILE I RESOLVE THIS ISSSSSSSUE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR *BZZT* PATIENCE."

Regardless of how politely Irving asked, Tricky was far too scared to stay and wait... or control his bladder for that matter.

"HEY, YOU STUPID MEATBAG!" Irving yelled as Tricky took off, "YOU KNOW *BZZT* I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO HAS TO HAS TO HAS TO CLEAN THAT UP, RIGHT?"

Irving immediately forgot about the battle all around him and immediately put his mop to use, a fatal mistake, as Calamity had managed to put his flames out by now, but had most certainly not forgot about the battle. With one more shot from his battle saddle, Irving went down once and for all.

Meanwhile, Bishop was facing off with Bolts. The robot was spewing a constant stream of fire, forcing Bishop to either dodge or shield himself the whole time. While the robot was distracted by Bishop, however, it left itself open to a few gunshots by Stellar.

"IT SEEMS THE EAAAAAARTH PONY IS THE GREAT*BZZT*TER THREAT. NOW CHANGING TARGETSSSSSS," the robot decided.

Big mistake. The second Bolts gave Bishop an opening, he received a few million volts of magical electricity courtesy of Bishop's horn.

"*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT*! WARNING! WARNING! FLAMER FUEL CELLS IGNITED! EXPLOSION IMMINENT!" Bolts yelled even as his optic sensors popped from the supercharge.

Bishop immediately cast a shield around the robot, which expanded with a loud BOOM. Thankfully, however, he was able to hold it, the explosion somewhat contained already by Bolts' chassis.

At about that point, Farm Freak must have gotten the lights on, because the whole room was lit with light... revealing me running like heck with Tricky tier cowardice from Nuts.

Stellar opened fire on the robot, hitting it near the bottom, right in its levitation talisman, dropping Nuts right to the ground.

"UMM... UNICORN, PLEASE STOP RUNNNNNNNING. MY LEVIT*BZZT*ATION TALISMAN IS BROKEN, SO I MUST *BZZT* ASK YOU TO STEP CLOSER SO THAT I MAY SLICE OPEN YOUR TRACHEA," Nuts said, flailing his buzzsaws about.

I turned and looked at the crippled machine. He was hardly scary when he could only attack things within a range of four feet, especially when his opponent has a gun. I took my time reloading, he looked kinda funny stuck on his side like that.

"NOW, INTRUDDDDDDER, DON'T BE A PO-O-O-O-O-O-OR SPORT. PLEASE *BZZT* ENTER MY KILL ZONE SO THAT I MAY PROPERLY MURDER YYYYYOU."

I finished loading the gun and cocked it.

"COME ON, ARE YOU AFFFF*BZZT*RAID TO DIE? WHAT ARE YOU CCCCCHICKEN? BAWK BAWK BAWK." He folded his arms like chicken wings and flapped them around, accidentally cutting them off with his buzzsaws as he did so. "*BZZT* UH... I MEANT TO DO THAT *BZZT*. I STILL STILL STILL STILL HAVE A LITTLE PINCCCCCER ON THIS LAST *BZZT* ARM. PLEASE COME WITHIN RANGE SO THAT I MAY PINCH YOU TO DEA-"

I cut him off. "If you think I'm gonna do any of that..."

BANG!

"You're Nuts."

Tricky walked up to me, his eyebrow raised, "'You're Nuts?' As in his name? Did you really just say that? That has got to be the worst joke ever!"

"Well at least bad jokes aren't as embarrassing as if I had wet myself."

"I-I didn't wet myself! I was sweating!"

"You were sweating solely from between your legs?"

"Yes, it's a rare medical condition called... uh..."

"Oh, wait, I think I've read about that actually. I think it was called 'incontinence' or something."

He looked surprised, but quickly started nodding in agreement "Yeah, that's right. I have incontinence. Whatever makes you believe me."

I chuckled to myself. What an idiot!

"Is that it? Was that the last one?" Farm Freak called, peeking out of the fuse box room.

"Yeah, that was all of them," said Bishop. "You can come out now!"

"Alright! Now I can get back to my game! My poor crops need me!"

"Is that really all you care about?" Stellar said, confronting him again. "Your entire Stable, all of your friends, died because you couldn't get off that game long enough to do your damn job! And now you yourself are a ghoul, and in case you haven't noticed from living two hundred years, you're basically immortal. Yet still all you want to do is play that game?"

"It's fun watching myself level up," he said, shrugging. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on the verge of hitting level 417,860."

As he walked by, he got knocked out cold by a cheap-shot buck to the head, courtesy of Stellar.

"I hope that level is worth the hundreds of lives it cost, asshole. Come on guys, let's get out of here and leave him to his precious game."

After Calamity looted what he could from the scrapped robots (what a pack rat!) we began our trek back up to the elevator. As we did so, I approached Stellar.

"Hey, thanks for saving me back there," I said.

"It was nothing. I'm sure you would have done the same."

"Well let's hope so, because I definitely owe you one."

"Yeah... It's too bad I couldn't have done that for the Stable though..."

"You're still hung up on that?"

"I know, there's nothing I could have done, but... I mean, everypony's dead except for the guy responsible, and the guy doesn't even care. Where's the justice in that?"

"Well, you kicking him in the head was some pretty decent payback."

"Yeah, that was fun... but what did it fix? All the punishment in the world isn't going to bring Glitterdust and the others back, and it's not like I'm gonna kill him just for being a negligent moron. Heck, even me kicking him was probably wrong in some way. One thing I learned in Stalliongrad that the Wasteland is only reinforcing is that once injustice happens, it's written in stone, and there's nothing you can do except sweep it under the rug and try to stop it next time..."

I felt her pain. The Wasteland was a cruel place; that's part of the reason I hadn't left New Appleloosa in years. After I lost my mother, my family just wanted to avoid all of the evil it brought with it. That's why we settled in New Appleloosa; after traveling a while, we just decided to settle in the place that seemed the nicest. We didn't learn about their connections with slavers until later, but we found that the rest of the place made up for it. Besides, even if other people in town traded with Old Appleloosa, you sure as heck won't find anything that my family ever built or repaired in that cesspool.

Then an idea came into my mind. Thinking about my home reminded me of the Uberclock schematics on my PipBuck... There was a clock back in the Overmare's Office, and I'm sure Calamity had salvaged some scrap metal and at least one microfusion cell from those robots... If I just put one in the MyStable room and set it to go off in a couple hours...

The thought made me tingle. How fitting would it be for that jerk Farm Freak to have his game, the thing that he valued more than the safety everyone else in the Stable, destroyed by a well placed bomb? He would have nothing left, and maybe without that little distraction, he'd see just how much of a monster he is for his carelessness. The despair might even drive him feral...

NO! Where the heck did that come from? I wanted the guy to get what he had coming to him, but that was going too far! He was bad, but he was just stupid. Death or feralness should be reserved only for the real monsters, those raiders and slavers out there.

Soon enough, we reached the elevator again, our saddlebags filled with loot from the lower floors, (namely books in my case) and rode back up to the top floor.

*** *** ***

When we got back up, we had quite the story for the other members of our group. Chess had been a little irked at us when he found out that we were the ones who had taken out the electricity, but he quickly got over it when we told him about the valuable loot on the lower floors, which he decided to go back and collect. Knight, on the other hand, was less forgiving since, as she put it, 'what was the point of having a bunch of pictures of hot stallions if it was too dark to see them?' She had ended up just falling asleep early, though she still managed to get wasted first. Chisel was particularly disgusted when he heard about Farm Freak... infuriatingly, however, he was more concerned with the fact that Farm Freak was a ghoul than anything else. We didn't even need to mention how he had wiped out the Stable.

We assembled at the front door the next day, Chess' pack brahmin and cart loaded with a bounty of loot from the lower floors. My own saddlebags now held the weight of a couple of the Glitterdust's Harry Trotter novels. Much to my excitement, she had had the whole set! My joy at being able to read the whole series from start to finish was almost enough to distract me from the fact that my barding was now stiff as a board from being soaked and then dried out again... I wish somepony had told me leather did that... Ah well, I was still learning.

Chess opened the Stable door once more. Despite the huge puddles and ankle deep mud in the Stable's entrance tunnel, it looked like the rain had stopped last night.

"Come on then," said Chess, "we still have quite a ways to go."

"Don't remind me..." muttered Chisel as he looked at the mud.

Unlike the hesitant Chisel, I just casually popped open a Sparkle Cola and trotted through the muck. After being chased by an insane robot last night, getting a little dirty was nothing. Surely our adventure didn't have too much more to throw at me than that, right?

Right?

(6_9) ...

Footnote: Level up! ... NOT! What did you expect? You only killed two things!

Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, Chisel has a confession to make about the statue, Tricky has another lie to make himself look good, and the ground below Golden Harvest Acres has a bunch of sinkholes under it ready to swallow up the entire Checkmate Company! Can Click Click and his new friends survive? Of course they can! I'm not gonna kill everyone only two chapters in!

Author's Note

Those poor, poor Stable ponies... There's a moral in this somewhere about the evils of video game addiction. I mean, seriously, if you're going to put video games before real life, there's something wrong with you, now let's wrap this Author's Note up because I almost have Braeburn's fifth star and I really want to get it ASAP.

What? I'm totally in control!

Anyway, one of the things I felt like mentioning was the three robots at the end. My first thought for their names was Grunt, Blunt, and then the third one would have only a C and the rest of it rusted over or something as a reference to the Tarboy animation by Hania and James Lee. The same people also made a MLP video too recently, so check them out :3

And of course, another thank you to the fans, Tutis, Trivial, the Fallout and MLP teams, and Kkat. Plus I would like to apologize to the people behind Farmville. This fic's portrayal of Farmville was simply a parody of video game addiction in general, and was not in any way intended to dissuade people from playing it. After all, it's not ENTIRELY Farmville's fault nearly a thousand innocent adorable ponies including mares and foals are now dead.

One last very important thing: Blueberry Twist is unfortunately too swamped right now to preread very much, so he had to drop out, meaning we'll have to find a replacement. If anypony out there wants on the team, feel free to leave a comment :3

Chapter 2: Beyond Her Garden

Chapter 2: Beyond Her Garden

"Bastards ate seven of our best diggers before we could lock off the way in."

(6_9)…

The day after leaving Stable 97 was filled with just as much walking as the day we left New Appleloosa, but the boredom was much easier to keep away by palling around with Stellar and Bishop, who I'd opened up to much more after our time in the lower floors of 97. When we weren't talking, I was catching up on the adventures of Harry Trotter, reading while walking just behind Chess's brahmin cart. I figured that as long as I kept the cart in my peripheral vision, I would be just fine... And I was until the cart stopped and I didn't. Nearly broke my freaking nose.

"This looks like a good enough place to stay the night," Chess said.

As we got close to it, my PipBuck notified me that the place was called “Golden Harvest Acres.” Calamity checked the area for any raiders that might be camped out here, but it seemed that the only building intact enough for raiders to use was the barn, and that was completely devoid of life. Everywhere else had had their roofs cave in after years of disuse, and that’s if they didn’t just collapse altogether.

We trotted into the barn and Chess untied the Brahmin from the cart before leading them into a couple old animal stalls. The rest of us started to set up camp.

“Hmph… Not the kind of place I would have chosen, but I suppose it’s better than nothing,” Chisel complained as we trotted into the barn.

"I take it you're not used to the real world are you?" I said. After the way Knight had gotten acquainted with Chess' hoof the night before, I was hesitant to mouth off to the aristocrat, but a pony can only put up with him for so long.

“Maybe it's 'the real world' for a commoner like you, but I was born to live in Tenpony. This is the last time I'm leaving the Tower, I promise you that."

“Why’d you leave this time?”

“What can I say? The job paid well. The crazies that hired Chess to deliver the statue even paid half of the price in advance. I almost didn’t think they were real caps, but I had someone back in Tenpony check them out. They’re real. Once I get back home, I won’t have to worry about money at all for a good longtime.”

"Well that's just wonderful, because Celestia knows that Tenpony Ponies have enough on their plates as it is," Oh snap! Did I just say that out loud!?

“Yes! Finally, someone else who understands as well as Chess does!"Oh, well that worked out well. "Most wasteland ponies are jealous of us and think we're all a bunch of 'stuck up softies,' but really they just don't understand how hard it is for us to live the way we do. We have to make a lot of money to keep up our lifestyles. Once, when there was a drastic drop in the demand for sculptures, I was actually forced to choose between buying food and taking my daily trip to the spa!"

"Wait...Choosing between eating and... fancy bathing?" The only reason I could afford to decently clean myself just once a month was because Mayor Railright sold the town's soul to Red Eye, and I was lucky to have even that!

"Yes! I eventually ended up having to alternate between them. Eating one day, grooming the next. It was awful! Still, even as much as Chess is paying me, this may not have been worth it. If you ask me, this whole expedition is cursed.”

“Cursed? Really, it's that bad?” I asked, unable to speak in any tone less sarcastic than a deadpan.

“Yes. The ponies that were originally escorting us from Tenpony all wound up leaving when they saw it all start happening. They all got scared and took off. Nothing outright harmful happened, but… it was just disturbing.”

“Like what?”

“Well the first thing I noticed happened on the very day that Chess came to me and asked me to make the statue. As I was following him from my shop out of the tower, I could have sworn that some of the ponies I saw on my way out tower passed by me more than once, as if there were duplicates of them or something. Then just two days before you joined us, we were mugged by a trio of old ladies. They weren’t exactly hard to fight off, Knight scared them all away without even killing them and they were only armed with rolling pins, but it was still just weird! There have been so many things happening that just seem strange and out of place like…Like that, over there!” he said, pointing behind me.

I turned around toward the corner of the barn and saw the skeleton of a pony lying beside what appeared to be an old Whac-a-Mole game. The top of the pony’s skull looked to be caved in with the game’s foam mallet wedged into the hole, giving the implication that the pony had been playing the game when one of the moles grabbed the mallet and hit back. As I looked at it, the derpy pony and ellipsis popped up for the umpteenth time that day. Every time something even slightly odd happened, I was seeing it. It was almost getting annoying.

“So… it’s a dead pony. It's sad, but in case you haven’t noticed it yet, there are lots of dead ponies in the wasteland. 97 was full of them, and there were even some skeletons lying down on the side of the road, if you were paying attention.”

“What? Do you not see the way the body is set up next to the machine like that? Like it was killed by the moles?”

I rolled my eyes. Granted, I had seen a couple of weird things on my adventure, especially whenever the ellipsis popped up, but a curse? No way. “Well yeah, that’s all a little weird, but it’s hardly a curse. My guess is that the ponies that originally owned this barn just happened to buy a Whac-a-Mole machine for their kids or something, and then 200 years later some traveler with a dark sense of humor found the machine and the body of one of the farm’s owners and decided to set up an ironic little scene for whoever came later. As for the duplicates and the old ladies, the duplicates were probably just you having déjà vu and the old ladies were just a couple of really, really, senile old ponies being crazy. It’s just a bunch of coincidences. If this statue were really cursed, it would make the sky rain snakes or make your mane fall out, something that will actually hurt you. Sure it’s odd, but what kind of curse is just ‘odd?’”

“That’s true… depending on who’s laying the curse.”

“Well, who would make a curse like that?”

Chisel seemed to hesitate a bit. “I… I think we may have invoked something rather bad when I made the statue. The last straw for the guards that left was when I told them what I made the statue of…” He paused again before finally spitting it out. “We were commissioned by a cult. The statue is an icon of Discord.”

My eyes widened slightly. That had caught me a bit off guard. My personal view on religion was that Celestia and Luna were either powerful ponies who had either ascended to divinity, or were just mortals whose names made really good placeholders for whatever gods or goddesses were actually out there. However, in my opinion, Discord wasn't some kind of demon-god the same way the Princesses were divine. Every source I'd heard of believed that, while powerful, Discord was just a historical figure, no different than countless similar threats to Equestria that had popped up over the years. Still, it seemed to me that a religion revolving around one of the most notorious enemies of ponykind was a bad idea.

Regardless, stranger things have happened in Equestria than gangs of old ladies and fake Whac-a-Mole murder scenes. For now, I could believe that it was all a coincidence, and even then, none of the supposed curses had really done any serious harm. Even on the incredibly unlikely chance that Discord was involved at all, he just seemed to be goofing around. “Well, I think you’re overreacting,” I said. “Until it starts raining chocolate milk, I’m just gonna file this under ‘not an issue.’”

Chisel and I weren’t the only ones to notice the Whac-a-Mole machine however. It wasn’t long before Tricky decided to investigate the machine more thoroughly.

“Hey, guys! Check this out, it’s a Whac-a-Mole game! We had one of these things back home and I would always get a perfect score when I played it!” he said as he trotted toward the machine.

He didn’t make it there though; as he stepped further towards the game, the ground began to give way underneath one of his hooves and he fell through the floor, screaming like a little filly as the rest of us looked on in horror. Calamity immediately flew to the hole and tried to follow him down, but the opening was too small for his wings to stay open. He would have fallen in himself if Bishop and I hadn’t telekinetically caught him by the tail. Meanwhile Tricky’s girly scream began to grow quieter and quieter until finally it was replaced with a dull ‘THUD.’

The rest of us cautiously approached the hole and looked down, wary of having the floor collapse beneath us too. It was so deep that we couldn’t see the bottom. “Well, he’s dead,” Chess said, shrugging.“Come on, let’s go find someplace else to sleep where the ground’s more stable.”

“HEY! GUYS?”Tricky’s voice came up from the hole. “Can you hear me? Don’t worry, I’m okay; I’ve got bones of stee- Ouch! Augh! It hurts too much to stand! I think I broke my fucking leg!”

“Huh? What was that?” an unfamiliar voice from the hole said, this one bizarrely squeaky.

“Hey, come here! I think it came from this guy! Boy, is he funny looking though…” came another similar voice.

“Who are you calling funny looking? It’s you two mole weirdoes that are funny looking! Um, I mean ‘I was sent as an
ambassador from the utopia of the Surface World. Bow before my glory!’ …and get me some Med-X or something, this leg hurts like a bitch!”

“Oh, of course, Mr. Ambassador! Shovel Shrooms, you stay here and bow for him; I’ll go get Dr. Mountainhill,” said the first of the two other voices before scurrying away.

“Tricky? What’s going on? Who are those other ponies down there?” Chess called.

“Huh? Mr. Ambassador, are those your friends up there?” Shovel Shrooms asked.

“Uh, yeah, they’re the other Surface Dwellers,” Tricky said, “and I’m coming to see if your race of freaky mole ponies is worth, um… trading with! Yeah, that’s it, because we are only willing to trade our magnificent wealth with good, hospitable ponies. So you guys better treat me right!” He then called back up to Chess, “I’ve got it from here Chess, you guys can just go away or something, I got it from here,” he said, although from his tone of voice he wanted to say something more along the lines of “I’m gonna milk this ‘Ambassador’ thing for all it’s worth, so get out of here and don’t get in my way.”

“So… what now?” Stellar asked.

“If he wants to stay, there’s not much we can really do about it,” Chess said. “Besides, being down by one guard isn't going to hurt us. There’s no reason for us to go down there.”

Suddenly, we heard a strange noise, like something was crumbling, and then a loud avalanche-like roar as the ground gave way under the cart carrying the statue.

Chess’s white face somehow turned whiter “…and now suddenly there is! Chisel, you did cast that unbreakability spell on that statue, right?”

“Of course, that’s what you paid me for. I even did the cart too, just to make sure I don’t have to spend an extra day in this vile, dusty place because of a broken wheel,” the artist said.

Chess calmed down instantly. “Then it should be fine, Calamity will just fly Bishop down there, and he’ll levitate it out, it’ll be that simple.”

As it turned out, it was not that simple. Instead of finding the cart at the bottom of the pit, they only found its tracks. The floor was slanted, leading into a dark cave. When Bishop cast a light spell to look further in, all he could see was that the path turned and probably continued to spiral down indefinitely. At Chess’s insistence, we decided to all go into the tunnels together on the off chance that not everything in the tunnels was as affable as the creatures Tricky met acted. Chisel was the only dissenter.

“It’s bad enough that I have to walk for days through dirt and grime, but now you want me in a cave? I’ll stay up here, thanks!”

“Good idea. Somepony needs to protect the brahmin from any raiders or bandits that come by here while we’re down in that tunnel,” Stellar said with a smirk.

“R-raiders?” Chisel stammered.

“What are you talking about?” Knight said, looking at Stellar incredulously, “Chisel couldn’t protect the brahmin from a one legged radroach. If any raiders came, he’d just get killed. Horribly. They’d probably peel his face off and make him eat it or something. I know that's what I wanna do to him. It’d be smarter to just have him come with us into the tunnel.”

Needless to say, Chisel couldn't get into the tunnel fast enough.

After Chisel, Calamity took the rest of us down one at a time, with me going down last.

As he lowered me down, I noticed that the walls of the hole had a few tunnels going through them with strange, tiny indentations peppering the spaces between them. That wasn’t the only odd thing though: judging by the chunks of hard, dry soil that had formerly made up the floor of the barn, the layer of dirt that the cart had fallen through must have been only about as thick as a pony’s hoof. How it had stayed up for any amount of time, let alone supported the cart for even a second, was beyond me.

“What do you think was keeping this tunnel covered?” I asked.

“I don’t know, what do I look like, an archgeologist?” Knight said roughly.

“Do you mean an ‘archeologist’ or a ‘geologist?’” Stellar asked.

“Fuck, I don’t know. Whichever one Daring Do is?” Knight said, looking confused.

“You are so lucky you’re a good fighter…” Chess muttered under his breath. “Anyway, we need to get going. Come on everypony, this way!”

As we trekked down, I presumed that we would find the statue relatively quickly. After all, how far could it have rolled?

*** *** ***

As it turned out, the dumb thing rolled quite far. The tunnel continued on for a good couple of miles, turning and spiraling downward and branching out into different paths, a set of wheel tracks showing us which way the cart went. I noticed that the further we got in the tunnel, the more of those little indentations appeared on the floor, walls, and even the ceiling. There were also little patches of bioluminescent mushrooms growing along the edges of the floor.

As we walked, I could have sworn I heard something besides our own hoofsteps and breathing. Some weird, scratchy, shuffly noise, weirdly scratching and shuffling around us.

“Does anyone else hear that?” I asked.

“I hear it too. I’m going to check the EFS on my PipBuck. Click, do the same, just in case I miss something. You know how to do it, right?” Chess said.

“Oh, that’s right! Almost forgot about that,” I said, activating the spell. Instantly at the bottom of my vision, several blue lines appeared, one for all six of my allies… wait… six? One of the lines didn’t seem to correspond with anypony in our group, and it indicated something a few meters away in front of us.

“You see that odd line, Chess?” I asked.

“Yes...” He took a few steps to the right, then a few to the left. At first I was confused by it, but then I realized that he was triangulating the unknown creature’s position. “It’s right there in front of us. Maybe it’s underground.”

Suddenly, we were interrupted by something poking up out of the ground, about where the line indicated the strange target was. It looked almost like some kind of strange rock, then another identical rock came out beside it. Then, the ground cracked open and the large, furry, pink nosed head of some strange ponylike creature came through, followed by forelegs and a torso. The hind legs remained in the hole. The thing shook itself, flinging clumps of dirt out of its light grey fur, and looked over at us, its beady eyes widening in amazement.

“Oh, why hello there, strangers,” it said in a strange voice, just like the ones that were with Tricky.

“Ugh! What is that thing!?” Chisel whined, stepping back.

“He’s so cute!” squealed Stellar.

The creature cocked its head to the side and responded, “Um, I’m a mole pony, and thank you.” He crawled the rest of the way out of his hole, revealing that he had a short, ratlike tail and a cutie mark of a mushroom. His hooves, which were the rocklike things we’d seen earlier, were shaped like strange, flat claws to aid in digging. I noticed that the indentations they left where he walked were perfect matches to the ones lining the cave walls. His head was essentially pony shaped, but the end of his muzzle was pointier and his nose and ears were hairless and pink. He was much shorter than most ponies I’d met, probably because it let him crawl through narrow tunnels more easily. “My name is Boaris. What brings you ponies here? And why are you guys so bright?”

Bishop turned off his light spell, leaving the tunnel’s illumination to the mushrooms, then responded, “We’re looking for something; a cart carrying a really big crate. It fell into the tunnel a couple of minutes ago.”

“It fell? Wait, then that means… You ponies are Surface Dwellers! I don’t believe it! Just like that Ambassador Tricky guy I’ve been hearing about! You know, before him, I always thought that the surface world was destroyed, uninhabitable! Are you ponies radioactive? Is that why you glow in the dark?” Boaris approached and looked us over excitedly, although he backed away a bit at the thought of radioactivity.

“The radioactivity on the surface is negligible nowadays,” Chess said. “We’ll tell you whatever you need to know about us, but it’s very important that we get that cart. We’ve been following the tracks on the ground here, do you know where they lead?”

“Oh, of course,” Boaris said, finally seeing the tracks now that he looked closely. I assumed his sight wasn’t all that good. “This tunnel here goes to the Grand Antechamber. Most of the tunnels that lead to the surface have been plugged up ages ago to stop the radioactive rain, but if any of you broke through the plugs, which it seems that you have, you would probably wind up there. Come on, I’ll escort you and you can tell me about the Surface World!” It wasn’t so much of an offer as an insistence. Nothing against Boaris, but it seemed like the little mole pony was more interested in questioning us about life in the surface world than actually helping us. Essentially, we just followed the tracks like before, only now we had to answer his barrage of questions too, which many of us just didn’t mind.

Boaris practically danced around us, spouting inquiry after inquiry: “What is the sun like?” “What do we eat instead of roots and mushrooms and bugs?” “What are those horn thingies on your heads?” When we responded “We’ve never really seen the sun because of the clouds,” “We eat 200 year old snack food with insane amounts of preservatives,” and “they let us do magic,” it only opened up even more questions for him. Meanwhile, his own questions gave us insight on life below the ground. Not knowing about the Enclave's cloud cover meant the mole ponies had never seen the surface for whatever reason, Boaris’s question about our diet explicitly mentioned what his own meals consisted of, and mole ponies for some reason had no unicorns among them. But the little peeks of his life weren't enough for my curiosity, or Stellar's.

"Y'know, Boaris, with all the things we've been telling you, we kind want to know a bit more about what life is like down here," Stellar asked.

"Oh! I'm sorry, how rude of me!" Boaris said, blushing. "But don't worry, I'll make it up to you!"

Just then, a strange, upbeat rhythm began to play out of nowhere and the music note notification popped up in my EFS... I hoped that Boaris would at least be better than Tricky...

{{Underground Song, set to the tune of IKEA by Johnathan Coulton}}

Back two hundred years ago

The world blew up, except down below

And the mole ponies all knew that up was not the way to go

It is nice and dark here, it’s got lots of dirt

And it keeps us safe from all the horrors above

Assuming there are any horrors above

Underground: just some dirt and some rocks and the other mole ponies

Underground: A perfect home for me, nothing else I need to see

This is our happy home

And if there’s a better home I do not know where!

All we can eat bugs and mushrooms

Plus we got carrots and plenty of room

To explore and to dig and climb up on the ceilings and walls

There’s no other place I have been

But my friends say life here is an epic win

It must be, that’s what we have been told for our whole freakin’ lives

Underground: just some dirt and some rocks and the other mole ponies

Underground: A perfect home for me, nothing else I need to see

This is our happy home

And if there’s a better home I do not know where!

Underground: tunnels, caverns

Underground: carrots, mushrooms

Underground: Digging, dirt, rocks

We got everything!

That is why I sing!

I’ve seen everything this place can give

They say it’s the best, so where else can I live?

Although I cannot help

But feel curious from time to time

But whenever I feel that way

I just sing this song and remind myself

That it’s great here, since I’m down here, I have got it made.

Underground: just some dirt and some rocks and the other mole ponies

Underground: A perfect home for me, nothing else I need to see

This is our happy home

And if there’s a better home I do not know where!"

As the music finished and my PipBuck told me the song was saved, me and the rest of the group found ourselves stamping on the ground in applause. That was actually pretty good!

"Nice song! Did you just make that up?" asked Bishop.

"Nah, I wrote it when I was little. My mom made me write it to help me deal with my curiosity for the surface, but now that I know it's safe, I gotta see some of it when I get the chance!" Boaris said excitedly as he danced around our group some more.

“Have you ever seen something like him before?” I asked Bishop.

“I’ve never seen or heard of anything like this guy. They must have been living below that farm for years, but why haven’t they come out in all this time? Well, that’s Equestria for you, I guess. Always something weird hiding just out of sight…”

The cart’s tracks eventually ended, enveloped by countless mole pony hoofprints (were they even still considered hooves? Worked better than ‘shovelprints,’ I guess.)

“It looks like the other moles found our statue,” Chess muttered.

“Yes. They probably brought it to the King’s Tunnel. He would want to see anything that came down here. Come on, the Grand Antechamber is just around the corner, and the King’s Tunnel is just beyond that. I think I heard something about Ambassador Tricky being brought to the King’s Tunnel too,” Boris said gleefully, pointing us onward.

The Grand Antechamber was just that… Grand. It was like being in a hollow globe that was nearly the size of New Appleloosa in diameter, with dozens of mole ponies scurrying about between buildings made of dirt. Most of the mole ponies were actually walking on the walls and ceiling, their strange hooves holding them in place as they walked. “How do you guys go that?” I asked Boaris.

Boaris looked almost confused, “Oh, that? We mole ponies can make dirt as hard and solid or soft and crumbly as we want. That way we can hook our hooves into it, and we can plug up the entrances from the surface with thin layers of dirt to keep the rain out. However, since you guys fell down here it seems that some of the magic from some of those old plugs must have worn off, so somemole will have to reseal them.”

Just before we reached the King’s Tunnel, a couple mole ponies ran up to meet us.

“Excuse us, but you are Surface Dwellers like Ambassador Tricky, correct?” asked one of them, a dark grey male with seven small mushrooms for a cutie mark. I recognized his voice as one of the two mole ponies who found Tricky earlier.

“Yes. My name is Chess, and I’m the leader of this group,” Chess said. I supposed that since he was our boss, it stood to reason that he’d be our de facto spokespony too, even though the caravan guard jobs he hired us for didn’t exactly have ‘deal with a newly discovered race of mole ponies’ in the job description.

“Oh! Who knew we would be blessed with the company of even more Surface Dwellers so soon! Let me introduce myself, I am Deep Burrows and this is Shovel Shrooms,” the mole pony said, gesturing to his friend, another male who had pure black fur with grey highlights and a cutie mark that looked like the mouth of a cave.

“We hope you made it here safely,” said Shovel Shrooms, “I’m afraid Ambassador Tricky was injured falling into our tunnels, but don’t worry, he is in the capable hooves of Dr. Mountainhill, and being tended to by the King’s assistants.”

“We are all fine,” said Chess, “but something that belongs to us fell down here as well, something of the utmost importance. Boaris said it was probably taken to your king.”

“Oh, you mean the Strange Box? Yes, we all thought that would make a perfect addition to King Soilsifter’s collection. He’ll be happy to return it though; he is a hoarder, but selfishness is not in his nature,” said Deep Burrows.

“Excellent. And we would like to speak to ‘Ambassador’ Tricky while we’re down here too,” Chess uttered while trying conceal a scowl.

“As you wish, Your Surfaceness,” Shovel Shrooms said before he and Deep Burrows turned and led us down into the King’s Tunnel. It was very short compared to the tunnel that we went down to reach the Grand Antechamber, and we reached the end in under a minute. It led to a large room filled with all sorts of scrap metal and other garbage adorning the walls, ceiling, and floor, but most of it was in a pile in the middle of the room. There were steam gauge assemblies, motorcycle gas tanks, lawnmower blades, toasters, chessboards, ashtrays, even the arm of a robot.

In the far corner to the right, we saw a pony in a full body cast being tended on by a pair of mole ponies bucks dressed in very dirty tuxedos and a mole pony mare in an equally filthy yellow nurse’s outfit. Despite his clear signs of injury, Tricky seemed fairly relaxed, with the tuxedo moles feeding him strange, yet tasty looking mushrooms. Meanwhile, sitting on a large throne in the center of the room, was an older-looking mole pony with a mustache and a (clearly plastic) crown sitting up on a large throne. His cutie mark appeared to be nothing more than a pile of junk, which seemed odd, considering his role. The left side of the room had an open door leading to yet another tunnel. Notably, running along the ground toward this tunnel were a set of familiar cart tracks, but with mole hoofprints to the side, as if some of the Kings assistants had pushed it.

“Oh! Ambassador Tricky, look, it seems that some other Surface Dwellers have arrived!” announced the King as he hopped off of his throne.

“What…?” Tricky said, half in a daze from his brief moment of relaxation. “Oh, it’s you guys. I should have known you’d come after the cart came down here. Seriously though, no need to worry about me, these guys have everything under control,” he said he chewed on another mushroom and proceeded go back to his relaxation.

“Your Highness, this is Chess, leader of the Surface Dwellers who came to contact us,” Boaris said gleefully, addressing the King.

The King approached Chess and extended a forehoof, “It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Chess. I am King Soilsifter, leader of the mole ponies. Ambassador Tricky has told me so much about the Surface World.”

“Um, actually, I think we need to talk about that,” Chess said, glaring sternly toward Tricky.

“Aw crap…” Tricky said, knowing exactly what was coming.

“I hate to disappoint you, but Tricky is a compulsive liar,” Chess said. “He’s not an ambassador, merely a pony I employed as a guard while I was traveling. I wouldn’t put much stock in anything he says. I truly am sorry if he was any inconvenience to you.”

“LE GASP! A lair! For shame, Mr. Tricky!” said one of the tuxedo moles indignantly before walking off in a huff. The other one went so far as to turn and give a light buck to the cast on Tricky’s left leg before leaving as well, earning a yelp of pain from Tricky and a sharp glare from the nurse pony.

As the tuxedo ponies pony passed us and left the tunnel, Knight whispered to me “Wow, they took that well. I’d have broken the little prick’s spine.”

“Thank you for your honesty, Mr. Chess,” King Soilsifter said. “It is not often that we encounter a person with the nerve to lie so blatantly. Then again, I suppose a lot of bad things have been happening lately.”

“I find that misleading ponies about one's intentions seldom ends well for any parties involved. Unfortunately, Tricky seems to think the opposite. I hope you won’t let what he did reflect badly on us.”

“Yes, my King, these ones were really nice to me on the way here!” insisted Boaris.

“I cannot hold the actions of one of you against the entire group, but from one leader to another I must suggest that you keep better control of your followers, Mr. Chess. Not everymole out there would be so understanding. I do wish to know, however, why you are really down here, if not for a diplomatic mission, as Tricky said,” said the King.

“We’re looking for a cart that rolled down here just before we came. I believe it is the ‘Strange Box’ that this pony mentioned,” Chess said, gesturing to the mole pony, “and those tracks look like they came from it. We were hired to deliver it, so it is crucial that we get it back.”

“Ah, that thing? I might have known, “King Soilsifter said, nodding. “Yes, I have it. Some of my subjects thought I would like to add it to my collection. I rather like to collect treasure you see. Funny story: I used to just be ‘Patriarch’ Soilsifter before I found this old crown while digging about, then everymole started calling me ‘King’ instead. It’s a much funner title I think. But enough about that; I had an odd feeling about that box when they brought it in to me, almost a rather uncomfortable one. Perhaps it was a premonition about it already belonging to somemole else. I put it in my bedchamber. Follow me.

"Oh, one more thing though: when you leave, I’d like you to show Boaris, Shovel Shrooms, and Deep Burrows where the hole is that you came through. Any openings to the outside could potentially cause damaging floods, you see. Naturally, you must also take Tricky with you. Don’t worry about his condition. From what I understand it is a simple fracture that Dr. Mountainhill’s mushroom healing potions will have completely healed within the day. Most of the cast is simply due to the fact that Mountainhill is a notorious alarmist. Heh, you should have seen it when little Pink Paws got the pony pox last year. Everyone else just said to use some cold water, but the good doctor insisted on quarantining her for three weeks and then disinfecting everywhere Pink Paws had been that past month, hahaha!” As the King laughed jovially, I noticed that that strange ellipsis thing popped up again when he mentioned ‘cold water.’ I wonder what that was supposed to mean.

The King’s room was located just behind a pair of doors, more ornate than any other that I had seen down here. Just as Soilsifter was about to push them open, however, Chess shouted out for everyone to stop.

“Hostiles. My EFS is showing at least a dozen red bars behind that door!” Chess explained. I turned mine on again, having turned it off shortly after meeting Boaris, and saw that he was right.

“What? Those things dare invade again? In my own room no less!” Soilsifter shouted furiously, throwing the door open and charging in. Inside the room were several giant ants, each tearing away the scrap and garbage that the king was lining his room with and carrying it away through a massive hole in the wall. Chess had been woefully short on his estimation, however, as there were easily more than twenty, and more were coming in through the hole. It was forgivable though, as I couldn’t make out one bar from another they were so close together. Interestingly, among them was the occasional blue line as well.

Soilsifter grabbed a long lead pipe out of the various scrap in the room and clubbed one of them with it in the head repeatedly, crushing the monster to death, or so it seemed. The bug whirled around spraying fire from its backside, setting the King ablaze. As Soilsifter fell to the ground and rolled, trying to put the flames out, I noticed that the fire didn’t come from the ant’s backside at all, but from a second head where its abdomen should have been! The bug tried to grab the King in its pincers, only for Shovel Shrooms to leap on its second head and stomp it fatally. By then, the rest of us were rushing in as well.

Despite the sudden carnage, I couldn’t help but realize that this was my first real fight. The lizard and Nuts the robot had been fights, technically, but they were completely one sided. The lizard never even touched me, and Nuts had been too slow to catch me for the first half of our battle, and utterly helpless in the second. Instinctual fear for my own life nearly made me turn tail and run (Chisel had already taken that route) but as I saw one of the ants get a lucky shot on Calamity, clipping his wing with flame. As he fell to the ground yelling "Dammit, not again!", my fear was tempered by another instinct: protecting my friends.

I started by entering SATS. I knew beforehoof that the spell was supposed to slow the user’s perception of time so that they could aim better, but the sheer degree to which the spell did so caught me off guard. It was almost as if time wasn’t passing at all! It seemed Stable-Tec had found a spell to stop time!

I set up the first shot to hit the ant that attacked Calamity. Rather than take out the heads, which would only leave the other head to keep fighting, I aimed for the thorax. It was a smaller target, but seeing as every possible target was maxed out with a 95% chance to hit, I didn’t think it mattered. I did the same with two other ants, reloading between them, and let the spell go. The first one staggered, its chitin perforated with shot, though it was still standing. The other two suffered the same. Up until now I had thought of guns as essentially instant death dealers, at least after one or two shots, but now I realized just much a creature could take, depending on its size. It made sense now that I thought about it: I’d read somewhere that a pony body could live without a stomach or spleen, so I guess just putting a hole in one of those organs wouldn’t be instantly fatal either. It gave me a strange sense of comfort knowing that if I ever got shot I had a little while to get medical attention before bleeding out.

While I waited for SATS to recharge, I took out each of the ants that I’d wounded the first time using traditional targeting. Bishop meanwhile was making good use of his magic and Knight proved that she really did have the skills to back up her boasting, easily taking out twice as many as me with her assault rifle battle saddle. Chess and Stellar were holding their own while the mole ponies did much more than I would have expected from melee combat. I noticed through the fighting that some of the ants were non hostile, focusing on stealing the King’s treasures rather than fighting us, each one of their mouths holding some piece of garbage or another. One even held the corpse of a fallen ant!

I heard a shout of pain and terror from Stellar as an ant leapt up and clamped its jaws down on her head. Instantly I turned my gun on her attacker, careful not to accidentally hit her too. The ant let go after a couple shots to the head that had been holding her, but then the remaining head started to run toward me to avenge its other half, fire spewing from its maw. It would have been on me before I finished reloading, but it was quickly felled by a couple shots from Stellar’s pistol.

Soon enough most of the ants were gone, in no small part because many of them were more focused on stealing than fighting. We were just cleaning up the last few stragglers before we noticed that one of our number was missing.

“Help!” Deep Burrows cried as one of the ants dragged him into the hole, clenching him between its powerful jaws.

Those of us not occupied with fighting, myself included, immediately rushed to help, but it was too late. The ant’s escape went down a path that was far too steep for a non-mole pony, Calamity was grounded due to his burnt feathers, Bishop was busy fighting off some of the last few ants and the moles just weren’t speedy enough to outrun the creature.

Realizing that he was doomed, Deep Burrows woefully shouted “Tell my wife I love her!”

“But Deep Burrows, you’re single!” a teary eyed Shovel Shrooms called back.

“Oh yeah… Well tell that jerk Sandy that she should have gone out with me when she had the chance! She completely missed out on me and my glorious abs!” his voice trailed off as the ants dragged him away.

Shovel Shrooms fell to his knees and silently began to weep as Boaris finished off one of the ants and rushed up to comfort him. Soon enough, the last remaining ant fell and we were left to assess the damage. Deep Burrows had been the only casualty, aside from a few cuts and burns that would doubtlessly heal over time. On a less mortal note, the ants had taken who knows how many treasures from the King’s room, including, apparently, the statue.

“No… poor Deep Burrows…” The King sighed in frustration. “Boaris, Shovel Shrooms,” he said, addressing them in a more authoritative tone, “I’m sorry that we must put our mourning on hold, but we need to cover this ant hole. We can’t let them get through again.”

“Y-yes, of course,” Boaris said while Shovel Shrooms nodded silently. Soilsifter climbed the walls in that bizarre mole fashion, his hooves glowing as he did. Then he positioned himself over the ant hole, and started to collapse the tunnel, while the two lesser moles started covering the hole with dirt taken from other areas of the room. They worked surprisingly fast, and once it was done, they held their hooves up to the newly created dirt wall, light emanating from their hooves and casting some sort of magic over the barrier, turning it hard as stone. Even in the tragic circumstances, it was very interesting to see the mole pony magic at work, especially since the three of them did it so efficiently. The way they worked, it was as if they were just one pony. Even the way they all shared the work was awe inspiring: Soilsifter shared the work equally with his subjects, as if their tunnel construction was some great equalizer for them.

“That should do for now. It won’t hold them forever, but it’ll take at least a day of constant working for them to break through that, and from what I’ve seen of them, they aren’t that patient,” Soilsifter said, tapping his hoof against the barrier.

As they left, Soilsifter sighed morosely. “That’s the fifth loss this month... Shovel Shrooms and Deep Burrows used to be inseparable. Curse those ants! What kind of leader am I if I can’t protect my people against a bunch of worthless bugs?” he said, bucking the wall.

“Not to interrupt, King Soilsifter, but what were those things?” Chess asked.

"Yeah, Boaris didn't say anything about killer two headed ant things in that song of his," Knight said.

"It was from over a decade ago and they've only been here for a couple months... I guess maybe I should do some rewriting, hehheh... sorry..." Boaris blushed and let out a bit of nervous laughter.

“Yes, as Boaris said, they first appeared a couple months back. They steal everything that isn’t soil, from food, to metal, to mole ponies, and take it back to their lair in the Abandoned Caverns. After that, nomole knows what they do with it. Because they breathe fire and take whatever they want, my subjects have taken to calling them ‘Fiery Ant Reaver Things.’ They aren’t very hard to kill if you get your hooves on them but thanks to their two heads, mandibles, and fire breath, it’s too dangerous to get close, especially for peaceful ponies like us. Worst of all, they take so much that our food supply is draining very rapidly. At the rate things are going, we’ll have a major famine in just another month or so.” The more Soilsifter spoke, the more sadness began to show through his voice.

“It looks like they took the statue…” Chess mused, “I have to get that statue back, so I’ll need to know all I can about those Abandoned Caverns.”

“Wha-what!”Soilsifter’s tiny mole eyes nearly bugged out to pony size. “You want to face those monsters? After seeing what happened to Deep Burrows? No treasure is worth that, its suicide!”

“You kidding? We kicked their asses!” said Knight. “Look at what we did! We only lost one pony and they lost…” she attempted to count out the ant corpses, “one… two… uh... a shitload of ants!”

Soilsifter paused, putting a hoof to his chin. “Hm… you do have a point, and you did manage to do quite a bit of damage with those loud things you were carrying,” he gestured to our guns.

“Knight, these are ants we’re talking about,” Bishop mentioned. “They may be weaker, but their strength is in their numbers. Eventually they’d overrun us.”

“Not necessarily,” said Soilsifter hesitantly, “We find their corpses lying about all the time by the dozens. I think their lifespans are too short for them to increase their numbers by much. There’s probably quite a bit of course, at least a hundred, but not quite as many as you’d expect from a typical ant army. We’ve studied them a little bit, and from what I’ve seen, it looks like they just reproduce very fast to maintain their numbers, but they die so quickly that they might just be at a manageable size."

“They won’t stand a chance in ranged combat. With enough ammo, we might be able to wear them down relatively safely, and then if we take out the queen, it’ll be the end of them,” said Stellar.

“But we could still lose ponies if we do that! Even you had a close call,” I objected. She still had a horrible set of cuts on her temples. They weren’t bleeding much, but still the wounds were enough to make me gag. It was a shame; she had a really pretty flank- FACE! SHE HAD A PRETTY FACE! I mean, not that her flanks weren't nice too, NOT THAT I WAS LOOKING! Although, to be honest, I wasn't not looking either...

Ugh... Ok, let's just get this straight here: I'm not the type of guy who likes to gawk at mares or anything. I'm actually pretty conservative compared to a lot of other ponies I've met. But all that aside, the fact remains that I am a stallion. If there's an attractive mare next to me, I'm gonna notice.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I just mentioned Stellar's face. “Here, you should probably take this, it should clear up that injury” I said, levitating a healing potion out of my saddlebags.

Stellar lifted a hoof to the wounds, and felt the torn skin, “Ow... With all that action I barely even noticed!” She reached into her bags and brought out her own healing potion. “Save yours for yourself. Trust me, the longer you live out here, the more you’re going to need. Thanks for the offer though, it was really sweet,” she said endearingly, smiling at me. “Anyway, I know that it’ll be dangerous to fight the ants, but we can’t just leave the mole ponies to starve like that! Whether it’s raiders, or bandits, or even just insects, things that threaten the wellbeing of innocent ponies just pisses me off! They may be dangerous, but these bugs are just another pest that has to be exterminated,” she said, stomping a hoof for emphasis.

“Can’t argue with that,” said Calamity, “’sides, I gotta pay ‘em back fer what they did to mah wing.”

“If you really want to fight them… If you really really think you can win, we will be forever indebted to you,” Soilsifter spoke up. “But please, don’t even try unless you think you can do it safely. I could not bear to have it on my conscience if I let you go to your doom. Still, if you do decide to go in and fight, and you’re successful, you may take anything you want from my collection. I’m not sure if any of it will be of value to you, but I will gladly give it all to you if you end this threat, even my precious bottle cap collection.” He punctuated that last part by reaching into a pile of scrap and taking out a transparent plastic tube full of easily hundreds of Sparkle Cola and Sunrise Sarsaparilla caps.

When Chess saw that, I swear I saw his eyes turn into Sparkle Cola caps as the ellipsis popped up in my EFS.

“Oh, yeah… That’s mine…” Chess said almost lustfully before he turned to the rest of the group. “We need to get that statue back,” Chess said, “I know this goes beyond what I originally hired you for, but I can give you all a share of those caps if you help retrieve it.”

Calamity and Stellar were naturally in. Bishop agreed too, saying “These mole ponies need help. If you guys think we can do it, then it’d be selfish not to.”

“Yeah! Time to squash these fuckers! This is gonna be fun!” Knight said with way too much enthusiasm for a task involving killing and risking her own life.

So… it was just me left to give my answer. I wish I could say that everyone else was just quicker on the draw, but that just wasn’t true. Pulse’s warnings to be careful rang in my ears, and I knew that there was a genuine risk involved in this, even if the others all thought we could win. Besides, there was nothing stopping me from denying their call to action. I had no obligation to risk myself for any reason. But I also remembered other voices besides Pulse’s, albeit fresher ones. Stellar and Bishop were right; the mole ponies were really in danger because of these ants. Somepony needed to help them, and I wasn’t going to ignore them.

Pulse would throw a fit if she heard about this, but I shrugged and said “I’m in. I just hope I don’t die or my sister will kill me.”

The others laughed good naturedly as my joke broke some of the tension, except for Knight, who just said “She can’t kill you if you’re already dead, stupid.” This of course only made everyone laugh harder.

*** *** ***

Before we all went to end the threat of the Fiery Ant Reaver Things, Chess insisted that we all get some sleep. After all, we had to be at the top of our game if we were gonna be risking our lives down there, and it was really late in the day. The next morning, we all gathered at the entrance to a sealed tunnel which Soilsifter claimed was the easiest route into the Abandoned Caverns. Chess naturally asked if Tricky and Chisel wanted to help us, but Chisel turned it down immediately in typical pampered aristocrat fashion. Tricky promptly underestimated the enemy and responded enthusiastically, even claiming that his armor was made from a rare fireproof material, but Dr. Mountainhill forbade him from leaving, or even taking off his cast, arguing that even if the bone was probably healed, she wanted to ensure that it was definitely healed. Soilsifter claimed that he could have ordered her to let him come, but Chess decided that on second thought Tricky would be about as useful as a campfire to a seapony, especially after hearing Calamity recount the part of our adventure in Stable 97 where Tricky's most effective act in combat was literally to pee himself in fear. Chisel, however, was instructed to return to the surface with a couple mole pony escorts in order to take care of the brahmin. Thankfully, Chisel remembered the way back up.

Just before Soilsifter prepared to remove the seal on the tunnel to the Abandoned Caverns, Shovel Shrooms and Boaris ran up to us, each wearing cobbled together barding and carrying long metal rods and some of the mushroom concoctions that were the mole ponies’ version of healing potions.

“Wait! Let us come with you!” Shovel said.

“Yeah! We can’t let you guys go down there alone! Not if you’re fighting for us!” added Boaris.

Soilsifter held a hoof out and stopped them, “Now I know you two only have the best intentions, but the Surface Dwellers are much better fighters than any mole pony. It’s best to let them handle this themselves.”

Shovel stomped a hoof, embedding it into the dirt. “No! Deep Burrows is my best friend, and if there’s any chance he’s still alive down there, I’m gonna take it and rescue him!”

“Yeah! And I used to explore the Abandoned Caverns all the time back when they were still just the Seldom Used Caverns. They’ll need a guide and I’m the best there is,” added Boaris.

“I will guide them and rescue Deep Burrows if he’s still alive. I cannot send my subjects to do a job I wouldn’t do myself!” insisted Soilsifter.

“But King Soilsifter, if something happens to you down there, what will happen to the rest of us? We mole ponies need a leader, and that’s you. I know you don’t want to think about lives this way, but you’re worth more than both of us combined,” Boaris said. I was taken aback by the profoundness of his cruelly selfless logic; it was beyond what I initially expected of the curious little mole pony. Behind me, I thought I heard Knight whisper something to Bishop about hoping Chess didn’t get any ideas.

“I… I suppose you’re right,” Soilsifter conceded. “I really don’t like it, but you’re right. Still, you two must know that this is very dangerous. There’s no guarantee that you will return, and even if you do, Deep Burrows has been gone for a whole night. It’s probably too late…”

“It’s like Dr. Mountainhill says: There’s a difference between probably and definitely,” said Shovel Shrooms.

“If the two of you insist then…” said Soilsifter, still visibly reluctant. He moved to the mound of hardened dirt sealing the tunnel and placed his hooves against it. The whole thing glowed, and became easy for the king and his two subjects to shovel away.“Just remember, if you all start to think you’re in danger, turn right back. Nobody needs to get hurt today.”

“Very well, your Highness. We’ll be back as soon as we retrieve the statue and deal with your little infestation,” Chess said. “Come on, everypony, let’s move out.”

We began hiking into the tunnel, Chess and Boaris taking point so Chess’s EFS could keep an eye out for ants and Boaris could guide him to the largest part of the caverns, the place most likely to house the queen. I brought up the rear, using my EFS to prevent any ants from sneaking up on us. Bishop was somewhere in the middle, using his light spell to make sure those of us who hadn’t grown up underground could all see where we were going. For the longest time, we didn’t see any actual Fiery Ant Reaver Things, at least not live ones. We did, however, find a few of their corpses, each one seeming to have died while right in the middle of a return trip from a raid. Mushrooms and scrap metal were clutched in both heads of each corpse. There were also a few bits of garbage strewn along the tunnel, too small for the ants to care much about.

“What do ya think killed ‘em?” asked Calamity, who was pocketing every little piece of trash that he could. I honestly wondered who other than Soilsifter could possibly think they were useful. Who knows? Maybe Calamity had a house that he liked to decorate with useless junk too.

“I don’t see any signs of physical trauma…” Bishop said, examining the bodies as the rest of us stopped to rest our hooves. “But I think I have an idea. Just look at them: they’re not whole ants, just two front halves stuck together. Brahmin are two headed cows, but the two brains are sharing an entire organ system between them, which is enough for them. These two headed ants on the other hand have two incomplete organ systems. If they eat anything, it has nowhere to go. They’ve probably been dying of starvation, although I’m not sure how they survive their larval stage if that’s the case… Hey, look at this!” We stepped closer and saw that Bishop was pointing to an odd grey patch on the creature’s body. Unlike the rest of the bug’s reddish brown carapace, this part wasn’t made of chitin but of metal.

“They’re cyborgs?” Knight asked, tilting her head in confusion.

“I don’t think so… those who know how to make cyborgs are very rare, at least in this part of the world. Who would waste that kind of talent on an ant and not do anything to prolong its lifespan? It just doesn’t make sense.”

“Guys, we got hostiles!” Chess called. A few seconds later, a red bar appeared on my EFS, a Fiery Ant Reaver Thing just crossing into its range of effectiveness.

“Mole guys, get behind us or be ant bait,” Knight said, turning her battle saddle toward where Chess was pointing. Boaris and Shovel Shrooms jumped behind us just as the first ant crawled into view.

Knight’s assault rifle easily destroyed the thing’s head, and clipped both of the second head’s antennae as well. Wisely, the ant scurried behind a corner for cover… or so we thought. Around the corner, we heard the sounds of ant combat, and the tunnel glowed with the light of their flames.

“Is somepony else back there?” asked Stellar.

“What if it’s Deep Burrows?” yelped Shovel Shrooms, who ran ahead to help his friend. Immediately after he turned the corner, however, he came right back screaming. “Help! Fiery Ant Reaver Things! Fiery Ant Reaver Things everywhere!”

They really needed to come up with a shorter name for these things.

Following behind him were at least six Fiery Ant Reaver Things, a couple of which showed signs of being burned, and the one in the lead looked like it had its face torn up somehow.

As soon as Shovel was out of our line of fire, we opened fire on the ants. The heads that faced us were all killed quickly, as were the second heads when some of them tried to turn around. Just behind them, five more ants came in, but rather than attacking, three of them picked up their fallen and went back the way they came.

“Wait…” Chess said. “Don’t shoot yet! Bishop, throw something in their path!”

“You got it! Calamity, give me something” said Bishop. Calamity tossed some of the bits of trash he’d collected to Bishop, who in turn tossed it at the ants. One of the ants suddenly turned blue on my EFS and picked up some of the trash with both heads, then turned back. The other ant ignored the trash and continued toward us though, and had to be shot before it got too close.

“It looks like they aren’t actively hostile… they’re just collecting stuff. If we give them something else, they might get distracted,” Bishop said.

“Oh! And remember when Knight shot the antennae on that first one?” said Stellar, "I think that made it go crazy and attack the others. If we hit their antennae, then maybe that makes it so they can’t tell friend from foe.”

“I could see that. Antennae are usually an insect’s most important sensory organ. Take those off and they’ll probably start panicking and attacking anything that gets close,” Bishop agreed.

On a whim, I walked over to the piece of trash that the ant had bypassed: a holotape. “Hey… Calamity, do you want this back now, or can I listen to it?”

“Ah don’t care, keep it if ya want. Ah was just gonna sell it to a merchant next chance I got,” he said.

I plugged the old recording into my PipBuck and popped in a pair of earbuds so I could listen to it quietly as we continued downward. When the recording started, all I could hear was somepony’s wet, nasty cough. Soon enough though, the pony, a stallion with a rough voice, regained enough control to start talking.

“Sorry about the coughing. Radiation sickness. I’m probably on death’s door right now, so I figure I may as well leave this message for… whoever the fuck’s left to hear it… My name’s Crystal Clear. I’m 29 years old, worked as a forepony at the Rock Steady Rock Farm. I had a wife, Ocean Breeze, and a daughter, Pearlshine, but by now they’re… I’ll see them soon enough, anyway... Damn zebras… they killed us all… Dammit, Pearlshine didn’t deserve to die… She was a six year old filly, not a fucking soldier! What did they gain from killing her? I hope our Megaspells sent every one of those striped bastards straight to Hell!

Crystal Clear began having another coughing fit again and it sounded like the recording device dropped to the floor. I heard another voice call out to him, although I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Soon enough, Crystal was able to talk again, although his voice was obviously strained by tears. “No, Clean Cut, I’m fine… just… I need to be left alone...”

He began speaking into the recorder again: “Sorry, it’s just so unfair…I just miss my little girl…” His voice cracked. “Fuck, we probably killed just as many foals as they did. Heh… the real murderers aren’t zebras or ponies… just the assholes in charge… hehheh… just… the assholes… in charge… heh…" There was no joy in the laughter. It was the laugh of someone who had just realized that life was a joke and loss was the punch line. "Hell, some ponies might say Stable-Tec’s as guilty as anyone for rejecting our application, the corrupt bastards. Now my family is gone… Me and the other ponies from Rock Steady have been using the special advanced mining equipment we just got to burrow down into the ground in a last ditch effort to escape the fallout. It’s helped, but it’s only delaying the inevitable. We’re all dying already. My best friend Diamond Day’s got it the worst. He says he feels fine, but just look at him, his fucking skin is falling off! I dunno what’s happening with the earth ponies, but they’re all starting to look really weird. We’re also on our last legs as far as Rad-X and RadAway goes…

“Anyway, if anypony finds this, I just wanna teach them this lesson: life isn’t fair. It sucks, but that’s the way things are, and if life in a nuclear wasteland is as bad as I’m assuming it is, you’ve probably already figured that much out. Even then, just take this little piece of advice. Even in the worst of situations, find something that makes you happy and cling to it… If I just had my Ocean Breeze or Pearlshine, maybe my life would still be worth living… It’s too late for me to find that kind of happiness again… but that’s okay… I don’t have long to wait…”

The recording stopped abruptly.

“Hey, Click, you comin’?” Bishop called to me. I realized then that I had been standing still for at least the last portion of the recording.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” I said, running to catch up. I had picked up the recording expecting a… well, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the dying words of some poor pony whose entire family was killed horribly in the apocalypse. And hearing his voice like that... It was even worse than the final typed words of the Stable 97 ponies. What must it have been like, losing everything and everyone you ever loved and having nothing left but a short, painful life in the burnt remnant of a land that had once been your home?

*** *** ***

At first, I had thought that finding the ant queen was going to be a relatively quick job, just walk in, find it, kill it, and get back out the same way. By now we had been in the Abandoned Caverns for a good three hours, and we were still searching. Soilsifter’s guess that the ants’ numbers were limited appeared to be true, as we only met two more groups of ants (seven if you count the groups of corpses). Both times we allowed at least one ant to live and steal a bit of Calamity’s garbage in hopes that it would turn around and lead us to the queen, but the ants were always just a little too fast for us to keep up for long. For the times when we didn’t have an ant to follow though, Boaris still guided us, and, to his credit, I don’t believe we ever got stuck going in circles, even though the tunnels eventually became almost weblike with all their splitting pathways. The Abandoned Caverns were just that big!

“Hmm… that’s too bad. I guess the ants must have taken them, too,” Boaris muttered to himself.

“What was that?” asked Chess.

“Nothing, Mr. Chess. It’s just that this area used to have a whole bunch of gems in it. The Fiery Ant Reaver Things have been taking everything else, so I guess it’s sort of what you’d expect. It’s kinda sad though. They made these tunnels so pretty...”

“Yeah, they did, didn’t they?” said Shovel Shrooms gloomily. “That on top of everything else… Darn it! The next time I see one of those Fiery ant Reaver Things, I’m gonna really let him have it!” He yelled, releasing his pent up frustration. “I’m just gonna get right up in one of his faces and then WHAM!” He swiped at the air with a forehoof. “Then I’m gonna jump on him and stomp him into the dirt!” He pantomimed the action. “Then I’m gonna buck his head in!” He bucked the nearest wall. It was about this time that I started to hear a foreboding skittering sound from somewhere down the tunnels.

“That’s right! I feel really sorry for the next Fiery Ant Reaver Thing that runs into me!” Shovel Shrooms continued, “I don’t care how big and scary it is!” As he said this, the ant making the skittering sound began to come into view, but he was facing away from it. “I’m gonna beat it up, then when I get my hands on that queen, she’s as good as squished! Like the bug she is!” It was then that we realized how big the ant was. “Yeah, and I’m gonna do the same thing to any ant that gets in my way!” As he said that, Knight opened fire on the ant, her jaw hitting the ground as she realized that it had almost no effect on the monster bug. Where the other ants had occasionally had metal parts on their carapaces, this one looked to be almost solid metal, and was easily more than twice the size of anything else we’d seen. And it had razor sharp pincers for some reason, and what appeared to be miniguns attached to its antennae. Ha, just kidding. Well, about the miniguns; the razor pincers and metal body were very much real. “Then I’m gonna rescue Deep Burrows, and everything will be back to the way it should be!” By now, the rest of us had all turned tail and started running away screaming. “Hey guys? Where ya going?” He turned around and came face to face with one of the ant’s gargantuan heads. “Oh… Oh, no I wasn’t talking about you and your queen! I was talking about the ants in… that other place… and… Hey look, a thing that you'd find more interesting than me!” In an instant Shovel Shrooms was at our heels, his attempt at a distraction surprisingly effective at giving him a few seconds to catch up before the ant gave chase.

“What the fucking fuck is that thing?” screamed Knight.

“I don't know! I've never seen anything like it!” said Boaris. “It's some kind of Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing!"

Wow, they really needed shorter names for things…

With Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing rapidly gaining on us, we ran as fast as we could back the way we came. Calamity tried to distract it by opening his saddlebags and dumping out every bit of garbage he’d picked up on the way here, and Knight dropped a few land mines and grenades, hoping to blow a leg off, but the monster completely ignored the trash (I think it had enough scrap metal in its body already.) The explosions slowed it down a bit, even blasting off the tip of one leg, but it wasn’t enough to destroy it! When it became apparent that we could never outrun it, we made a sharp right turn into another tunnel as soon as we got the chance. When we noticed that ninety degree turns slowed the ant down considerably, we turned right again at the next opportunity. The ant was able to keep us in sight for a while, but soon enough we lost him! … That is, until we realized that by taking only right turns, we had ended up traveling in a circle and soon found ourselves skidding to a stop as we came face to face with the ant’s second head.

As we ran, I noticed that Boaris and Shovel Shrooms were beginning to fall behind, but they wisely managed to escape by using their mole magic to climb onto the walls and ceiling, and digging upward out of danger. I was glad they escaped, but I didn’t exactly have any time to celebrate, what with being chased by a giant ant and all.

Soon we came by a cluster of ant corpses, and my heart almost stopped when I heard Bishop shout. I looked back, and saw that he had tripped! I wanted to go back for him, I really did, but I was too scared and I knew it would have been futile anyway; the ant would have reached him long before I got there. As I looked back and saw Bishop’s panicked face, all I could do was pray that he had some kind of spell to get himself out of there. Just before the ant came upon him, I saw his horn glowed, and I was filled with hope... but rather than teleporting, or shielding himself or something, he picked up an ant corpse, tore off its head, and shoved his own head in its neck hole. When the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing came to him, Bishop just waved it on, giving a somehow convincing ‘they went that-a way’ type gesture.

Well, that was confusing, but my friend was still alive, so I couldn’t complain. With Bishop left behind, I was forced to cast a light spell for us to make sure nopony else tripped again, being the only unicorn.

Soon, we wound up picking a bad route, one with no places turn into, so the ant was gaining on us rapidly, not seeming to tire out as we were. The only thing keeping us ahead was sheer adrenaline, which we got a huge boost of when the beast shot out a jet of flame at us, very nearly catching us. I was at the back of the pack and the heat was enough that I could feel my tail get singed.

Suddenly, we were able to see two parallel tunnels intersecting with the one we were currently in, so that there were five possible paths to take, two to the left, two to the right, and straight forward. “Everypony! Split up!” shouted Chess, realizing that there was no way that all of us could outrun the thing.

When we split up, I wound up going forward, and I realized a second too late how stupid that was since the ant wouldn’t have to turn and slow down to catch me. Even worse? It wasn’t really a pathway at all. I made it about twenty feet before running headlong into a dead end, getting a face full of a dirt wall.

Great, I was about to die and my last meal was dirt.

I turned around, expecting to see a giant metal death bug staring me in the face and eating me, but instead I saw the rear head of the ant disappearing into one of the other tunnels! For some reason, the ant was going down a different tunnel! I was safe!

I was about to go and try and go down one of the other paths to reunite with at least some of the others, but before I could take my first step out, Chess and Stellar came running out of one of the tunnels, the one adjacent to the one the ant came through, and ran into the one across from it. Then… I don’t know how I could possibly explain what happened then…

I saw the ellipsis appear in my EFS again, and suddenly the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing came out of one of the other tunnels, not the one it had gone into, and went down another tunnel. Then Knight came out of the tunnel next to it and crossed to a tunnel on the other side. Then Calamity came from a different tunnel (wasn’t that the one the ant just went in?) and did the same. Then Stellar came out of a completely different tunnel with the ant close behind her, then a group of smaller Fiery Ant Reaver Things ran between a couple tunnels while being chased by Chess for some reason, then the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing came back with Calamity riding it like a bull (fitting I guess because of his cowpony hat, but still, what the buck?), then Knight rode by on a unicycle, then Chess came out chasing Calamity, then Stellar ran between a couple of tunnels backwards, then Bishop ran out and then stopped and looked around with an expression that said "How on Earth did I get here?" and then the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing came out and started coming right at me... Wait... It was coming right at me!

I fired a couple shots at it in desperation, but the tiny shot pellets were nothing against it.

Bishop's lightning, however, was very effective. The bolt coursed through the creature's body, its metal armor aiding the attack rather than blocking it. It seized up for a few moments, then fell, smoke coming out of its eyes and mouths.

"Click! Are you okay?" Bishop called to me, running out from behind the carcass.

"Yeah. Thank Celestia you were there," I said.

"Yup. I came following after you and I guess just took exactly the right turns. Once that thing had its sights on you, it ignored me long enough to get a shot."

It wasn't long before the others all came out of their tunnels, including the mole ponies who managed to track us down and come out of the walls.

"That was amazing, Mr. Bishop!" Boaris cheered when I recounted what happened. "I have so much to learn about you unicorns and your magic once we're done with this adventure!"

"We'd best get moving again then, if everypony's okay," Chess said. “Incidentally, Stellar, next time I say ‘split up,’ try to actually go a different route. I think the ant went after us because he wanted to catch two ponies instead of just one.”

“It was an accident, but really it’s probably a good thing that I did it. Otherwise, that ant probably would have just got Click,” Stellar said.

“That’s true, but it also could have made us lose two ponies instead of one. We’re very lucky we didn’t lose any.” I almost wanted to say something to Chess about the fact that he’d just said sacrificing me for the good of the team was the right thing to do, but I decided to just let it go, although from the glares that I saw Stellar and Calamity giving to Chess, I figured that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Before we embarked again, we suddenly heard the sound of several dozen ant feet coming our way. We prepared for battle, but then I noticed that all the bars on my EFS were blue. Numerous Fiery Ant Reaver Things crawled out of the tunnels and converged around the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing. It took all their combined strength, but they managed to lift the giant corpse and carry away. Because of the gargantuan metal ant’s extra weight, however, they had to move at a pace that was just slow enough for us to keep up with.

“Oh, well that’s convenient,” Chess said with a smile. “Come on, I think with these ants leading the way, our search is just about to be finished…”

*** *** ***

The ants led us all the way back to the point where we originally met the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing, and then just a mile or two further before we came to an enormous room that, unusually, was open to the sky, with cloud filtered sunlight pouring into whole room. The place was filled with Fiery Ant Reaver Things, all of which were blue on my EFS. The ants weren’t what first caught my attention though: instead, my eyes immediately went to the center of the room, where the Ant Queen lay. If the Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing was big, the Queen was outright gigantic! Unlike the other ants, which had a second head in place of their abdomen, the Queen looked more like two ants sharing a thorax, so their bodies made sort of an X shape. In front of the Queen was a mountainous pile filled with scrap, gems, mushrooms, dead ants, and notably our cart and the crate with the statue. Meanwhile, the two heads of the Queen were rapidly tearing into the pile, greedily downing organic and inorganic refuse alike. Each one of the Queen’s boxcar-sized abdomens was constantly popping out ants, all fully grown (which explained how they could survive the larval stage with an incomplete digestive system: they just skipped infancy entirely.) However, only the abdomen on the left produced the Fiery Ant Reaver Things we were familiar with, the other instead produced ants with two abdomens and no heads, which didn’t really do anything but lie there until a normal ant took the lifeless bodies and tossed them back into the pile in front of the Queen.

“Deep Burrows!” yelled Shovel Shrooms, running toward the pile. Sure enough, Deep Burrows was sitting amongst the rest of the Ant Queen’s food, dirty and a little scratched up, but alive. Three other mole ponies were alive in the pile too, victims of previous abductions. The ants didn’t seem to mind Shovel’s intrusion, but soon other ants began corralling the rest of us gently towards the pile as well, not biting us or shooting flames, but still making it very clear where they wanted us to be.

“Shovel Shrooms? You came all the way down here? Are you crazy?” said Deep Burrows.

“They’ll never let you leave here,” said a mole pony mare who was clutching a young colt tightly. “No matter how many times we try to run, we never make it out of this room. They won’t even let us leave the queen’s food pile for too long.”

“The only way to live here is to steal some of the Queen’s food when you’re hungry, and stay away from her mouths,” added an elderly mole stallion.

Chess thought for a moment and said “Knight, do you have any mines or grenades left? Maybe we can feed one to her.”

“Lost ‘em all when we tried to take out the metal thing,” she replied.

“I see… any of you moles tried attacking the Queen directly?” Chess asked.

“One poor fella tried it,” said the old stallion, “but she’s a lot tougher than any of the other ones, ‘cept maybe the big metal one you guys followed in. Say… speaking of him, he don’t look like he died o’ natural causes. Did you guys see what did that?”

"Bishop fried it with a lightning spell," I said.

"Yeah. Metal armor doesn't help much against electricity. In fact, it probably made it worse," said Bishop.

"Light...ning?" the old mole pony said, the whether phenomenon understandably foreign to someone who'd never seen so much as a cloud. "I can't say I know what that is, but do ya think it'll work on the Queen over there?"

"I don't know... Robots and metal armored foes, sure, but straight flesh tends to be more hit and miss, especially with big things like that. Besides, if I attacked her, her ants would probably attack us, and all the lightning in the world wouldn't save us then, especially if the Queen survived and attacked too."

That was too bad, but even if I'd have liked another quick battle, we weren't doomed yet. For the moment none of the ants were attacking us, and it seemed that at the very worst we could last for quite a while like the captive mole ponies had.

Suddenly, I had an epiphany. “Hey, Bishop,” I said, “Remember when Knight shot that one ant’s antennae, and he went ballistic and attacked the others?”

“Yeah…” he said, his tone carrying one of those ‘are you thinking what I’m thinking’ vibes.

“How many ants do you think we need to frenzy to wipe this whole place out?”

“Let’s just get all of ‘em!” Knight interjected, her eyes glittering in violent anticipation.

“Great idea, Click Click,” said Chess. “Calamity, you said you were a sniper, right?”

“Best in the Enclave,” Calamity said with a smirk.

“Good.” Chess nodded and began spouting out commands, an air of charisma assuring us that he knew exactly what he was talking about. “You and Knight start sniping their antennae once everyone else is ready. The further away your targets are, the better. Click, Stellar, you two need to take down any ants that gets too close to us, and I’ll do the same. Bishop, you create a shield around this pile just in case some ants get by us. Everypony else, just try to stay out of danger.” We all would have done it anyway, but something about Chess’ voice just seemed so persuasive that something told me there was no way this plan could possibly fail.

“Hey, betcha I can shoot more of ‘em,” Knight said to Calamity when they got into their positions further up the pile.

“You really wanna go up ‘gainst me? Bring it on,” Calamity replied.

I wasn’t sure which one got the first shot, but within seconds two Fiery Ant Reaver Things found themselves without antennae on either one of their heads, and were blindly attacking the first thing they laid eyes on as our two shooters smugly kept score.

“One.”

“One.”

The other ants in the area each turned a head toward our group, startled by the sound of the gunshots, as was the mole colt, who started crying. Still, even as every one of Calamity’s bullets and Knight’s bursts of gunfire relieved targets of their antennae, the ants’ dumb insect brains were unable to comprehend that we were the cause of their allies going mad around them. Any ants who decided to attack us anyway fell to me, Chess, and Stellar. Between us and the snipers driving some of the ants crazy, we were steadily carving into their numbers…

Then the horseapples hit the fan when one of the frenzied ants attacked the Queen.

The Fiery Ant Reaver Thing dug its pincers into her abdomen, eliciting a scream of rage from her as she leapt forward, smashing into the food pile and throwing us all asunder. The mole pony mare accidentally lost her grip on her foal and he was thrown toward a swarm of ants, only being saved by Bishop catching him in his levitation. Chess and I lost our grips on our guns, Stellar the only non-battle saddle user to remain armed. Knight was half buried under the trash, while Calamity was thrown into another group of ants. He was swarmed in seconds, but from the sound of his battle saddle, he wasn’t going down without a fight. The old mole pony stallion hit the ground head first, and was knocked unconscious or worse. The other moles were thankfully safe, if scattered. The other Fiery Ant Reaver Things then proceeded to try and gather the pile back together again, and as par the course they were giving us ponies no greater priority than the garbage. After her initial shock at being attacked by her own minion, the Ant Queen swiveled around with much more agility that I would have expected from her and immolated the offending Ant with double jets of white hot flame. In an instant I saw the ant shrivel into a black statue of itself, then crumble into ashes.

While Chess and I tried finding our guns again, Stellar, Shovel Shrooms, and Deep Burrows all went to help Calamity. Boaris busied himself with digging Knight free. Bishop rushed to the old stallion, levitating the foal behind him and calling for the mare to come to him. Once they all got together, he surrounded them all with a bubble shield.

Just as I saw my gun and gripped it in my magic, I felt the sting of ant flames against my back leg. My magic imploded and I turned to see three ants coming right at me. Apparently in all the chaos they didn’t have the patience to gently herd us into the pile anymore. I desperately tried making a shield, focusing all of my energy into a wall shape like Bishop had taught me… and I still came up short. It was no more than a small plate of magic… but what if that was all I needed? I had been able to make a little ball yesterday, maybe I could actually make something useful! I reshaped the plate into a thin bar and shoved it under the ants’ chins, then lifted it up with all the force I could bring forth, flipping them onto their backs. By the time they realized what had just happened and used their other heads to try breathing fire at me I had jumped backwards toward my gun, just out of their range. Then I snapped up the gun in my levitation and let them have it.

The second Boaris was able to free Knight, our combat expert began firing furiously at every ant that came too close, turning one of their heads to pulp then disabling the rear head’s antennae. I realized suddenly that she was always killing the head that was looking at her, but frenzying the one that was facing away: since the frenzied ants always attacked the first thing they saw, this meant that they would always target something facing away from her. I had to wonder what exactly made that mare so smart during combat but so stupid everywhere else, but I had neither the time nor the inclination to question it.

I started making my way toward Calamity, shooting ants on my way. Just as I got close enough to help, Calamity burst forth from the ant pile, burned and bleeding, but alive and apparently ready for more ant killing. “Hey,” he asked, “did any of you guys see which way my hat went?”

“Healing potions now, hat later,” chided Shovel Shrooms, offering one of his mushroom potions.

Suddenly, we heard a scream from the mole pony mare. Apparently after a life of luxury and pampering, just the chaos in her home and being attacked by one of her children was enough to drive the Ant Queen into a frenzy and she had started breathing her superheated fire at Bishop’s shield. I hoped that he was strong enough to hold her off, but for a moment I thought I saw it flicker.

“Knight! Calamity! Kill the Queen!” I screamed.

They were on it before I had even finished the first word. Let it never be said of Calamity that he was anything less than the best sharpshooter, as one of his bullets hit the further Queen’s head right through the eye, the other one embedding itself in her neck. Knight, while not nearly as accurate, was much more destructive, turning the other head into nothing but broken chitin and brain goo.

Seeing the destroyed heads like that made me shudder. It wasn't the gore and violence, the fact that her face was so messed up just kinda made me flashback to... well, let's just say it reminds me of something I saw ten years ago that I don't like to talk about.

I repressed the thought. But as disquieting as that thought was, I was at the same time elated as the Ant Queen ended her barrage of fire, her legs twitching erratically on the side that was now missing its head. But that elation turned to terror when the half blinded but alive head somehow regained control of the legs of its partner and then turned on us, its jet of fire missing us by inches.

“Ha! Missed, bi-atch! Now you won’t get a second chance!” Knight shouted as she bit down on the trigger of her battle
saddle… only to get a few empty clicks in response. “Oh shit…”

We scattered, each in a separate direction as the Queen continued her lethal fire blast.

I heard Calamity fire another couple of rounds into the remaining head, then I turned toward him just in time to see him flung across the ground with one furious swing of the Ant Queen’s leg. Chess hit her head once more with a (probably SATS assisted) shot, saving the unconscious pegasus from being finished off in a stream of fire. Once the Queen was distracted, Bishop, along with the mole pony mare and her colt, rushed to his side to cover him in their shield as well. I had a bad feeling when I noticed they hadn’t brought the old stallion too.

I couldn’t worry about that now though. If we let the Queen keep on attacking us, there was a very good chance he wouldn’t be the only one we lost. I wanted more than anything to bring her down, but as powerful as my gun was, the Queen’s remaining head had taken at least three shots already, two of which were from Calamity’s overpowered Battle Saddle. What good was a shotgun going to do, especially considering it’d be suicidal to get close enough for the Queen’s head to be in range.

Unless…

The Ant Queen had her back turned to me at the moment, having lost sight of Chess and now turning her fire on her own ants. I made a beeline for one of the Queen’s abdomens, not letting myself be distracted by a couple of Fiery Ant Reaver Things that still wanted to attack me, even as one of them sent searing flames at me which my light barding was only partially able to block.

The Queen’s abdomen was egg-shaped, with its tip tapering off to a small point near the end. I stood on my hind legs and tried to climb up it and onto the Queen’s back, but even when I jumped I couldn’t get enough of a grip to pull myself up.

“Click? What are you doing?” Stellar shouted, running up to me.

“I’m trying to get on her back where I can do some damage without her hitting me. Think you can give me a hoof?”

“I think so, just lemmie- wait, what the heck is that?” She pointed in between the Queen’s two abdomen. I dropped off the abdomen I was clinging to and went to look as well, and saw that somehow, each one of the abdomen had a door. That’s right, a door. A metal door, painted to blend in to the abdomen’s chitin. Well, I’d seen weirder today, although this was still gonna be in the top three.

“Well, it’ll be easier than climbing on …” I figured. Maybe with all that metal, Bishop's Lightning could have finished it after all, not that he was in any position to enter combat now that he was protecting the mole ponies.

I ran to the door on the right and grabbed the handle. It wasn’t even locked! I stepped inside, Stellar close behind me. It was very dark at first, but in a second or two the whole place was suddenly illuminated, as if the light sensed our need for it.

The inside of the Queen’s abdomen was, to be quite honest, not what I would expect the insides of a queen’s abdomen to be like. It looked more like I had stepped into a factory, rather than a living creature. By some magic, the ‘room’ (I can’t honestly think of it as anything that would be in an actual organism) was larger on the inside than on the outside, and running through the middle of it was a large conveyer belt leading from the Queen's thorax. The conveyer belt was filled with the front halves of giant ants, which would then be somehow glued together by metal arms that came down from the ceiling, then, toward the far end of the belt, they were given an electrical shock to bring them to life, then they emptied out of the Queen's, er... 'birth tube thingy,' and into the world as the Fiery Ant Reaver Things we all knew and hated.

"Well, that's an... unorthodox developmental system," Stellar said, scratching her head. "Come on, there's a door to the thorax. I bet we can do some real damage in there!"

If the Abdomen was weird, the thorax was outright insane. It was even more disproportionately huge in here, and it had another conveyer belt in it, which literally assembled giant ants, piece by piece. On the ceiling were tubes of goo, some for organic slurry and others for liquefied metal. The tubes for organic stuff emptied into vats of which poured into molds, where the goo would congeal into ant parts and then get deposited in the containers for the arms to use on the assembly line. A second assembly line stood near the other one, this one very similar except for the fact that it made larger parts out of metal. It seemed that the ant queen used that to create Super Hard Ant Reaver Things when she had the resources. I REALLY hoped that she very seldom had those resources. Fortunately, it looked like whatever system was supposed to take the metal from her food and sort it from the organic stuff wasn't working properly, as a lot of liquid metal was for some reason being mixed into the organic, which explained the ants with metal parts. At the rear end of the assembly line, each and was then sliced in half, and the assembly line forked in two, the front halves going into the abdomen we'd just come from, and the rears going into the other.

At the far side of the room, painted onto the wall, was a large insignia which looked like a Stable door, except the top part of it, just above the number (71), looked like a brain instead of a gear. Above the logo was the word STEIN, and below it, LABORATORIES.

“This is… Just wow… I can’t believe something like this actually exists!” Stellar said, awestruck.

“Me neither, but if we really want to check this thing out, we’d better do it as an autopsy,” I said, surveying the room for any internal structures we could damage. Unfortunately, I couldn't see any heart or anything in here, but there was a ladder the end of the room, which looked like it would take us right up to the Queen's head. "Over there! We should be able to set up a few easy headshots!"

The ladder led into a hatch on the top of the thorax, which opened easily with my telekinesis. The next step was to walk across the thorax to the heads, which was the hardest part… or it would have been if the Queen had stayed still.

The Queen was able to feel us stepping onto her back and began to thrash around to throw us off. Ironically, her first move was to try and throw us forward, which made me land right up on her neck, allowing me to grab on with my forehooves. Stellar was not so lucky, as she wound up sliding off, landing on the ground right under the Queen’s head.

The Queen reared her head back, and I just knew it was in preparation for a fire blast at Stellar.

Not while I’m here.

I didn’t have time to grab my gun, but unlike my gun my hoof was always accessible. Bracing myself as much as possible with one foreleg, I jammed my hoof directly into the eye socket that had been emptied by Calamity and began to twist it around. The Queen reared back in agony, fire bursting from her jaws. For a moment I was afraid that I might have been too late, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Stellar running away to safety. Good.

Now, it was shotgun time!

I ripped my hoof out of the Queen’s eye socket, my shotgun replacing it with one quick thrust.

“Hey Queenie… Bug off!”

BANG! BANG!

I can’t imagine why my shots killed the ant Queen when Calamity’s didn’t, but I couldn’t complain as the monster’s head burst.

Just like hers did that day...

... I got another flashback… I seriously hope that’s not gonna be a regular thing. As horrible as that memory was though, I quickly forgot it when I felt myself hit the ground. Nothing like a horrible childhood memory to make you zone out and lose your grip on the giant ant monster you're hanging onto for dear life!

“Mr. Click Click! Are you okay?” I heard Boaris calling out.

“Yeah… I’m fine,” I said, rolling back onto my hooves. It felt like I got hit by a train, but I was pretty sure I was going to be fine. I noticed, with quite a bit of relief, that the rest of the Fiery Ant Reaver Things had all either been killed or had left the tunnel, the chaos too much for even them to handle.

“I can’t believe you actually brought that thing down! Excellent work,” said Chess.

“Yeah, just one thing,” said Stellar, “did you actually say ‘bug off’ when you killed her?”

I blushed a bit, “Yeah… I kinda felt like I had to say something, you know what I mean? That was just the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment.”

She chuckled warmly, “Well, for a spur of the moment thing, it was pretty good.”

“Thanks,” I said, but then I remembered something. “Bishop! What happened to that old mole stallion?”

Bishop approached, Calamity, the mare, and her colt following close behind. “He broke his neck when the Queen threw him. There was nothing I could do…” he hung his head low.

“It truly is terrible,” said Deep Burrows, “but still, we moles are forever in your debt. Only one fatality was much more than anymole could have hoped for, and with the Queen gone, the rest of the Fiery Ant Reaver Things will disappear forever soon. You Surface Dwellers are true heroes!” The rest of the surviving moles were all in agreement with him.

“We were happy to help,” said Chess. “And our statue was down here too, so our employers will be happy about that.”

“Yes. But since we’re going to have to pull that thing back up, does anyone mind if we rest here for a moment?” asked Bishop.

He was right. When the adrenaline began to wear off, I began to feel a little tired. We decided to take a short break before setting off again. Calamity spent his time digging through the scattered remains of the Queen’s food pile in search of his hat and other random garbage while Knight and Bishop kept watch for any returning Fiery Ant Reaver Things and Stellar showed Chess the mysterious factory rooms in the Ant Queen’s abdomens. With nothing better to, I decided to help Calamity. It helped a bit to get my mind off the dead mole pony. I intended to make sure we brought his body back to receive a proper burial.

After a dozen minutes or so of searching, I came across a Calamity’s hat. “Hey, Calamity! I found your hat!” I called, lifting the hat up with my magic. Underneath it, I noticed a strange green glow: an old computer! I knew that these things could last a good long while, and there were a couple that were portable, but seriously, 200 years in an underground tunnel?

As Calamity came and grabbed his hat, I cracked open a bottle of Sparkle Cola and proceeded to test out the hacking tools that I had brought with me. Hey, I may as well get some use out of them, right?

Whoever set up the security on this terminal clearly wasn’t putting much effort into it. After two attempts I had narrowed down the options in the string of text to the words to ‘sorrow,’ ‘parrot,’ or…

I took a sip from some of my Sparkle Cola.

“Carrot.” Easy. Was that really supposed to keep somepony’s information safe? That was more like a game than anything. I actually found it a little fun! Regardless, now that I got in, all it had on it was some old business records and the journal of somepony named Golden Harvest (although some of the data referred to her as Carrot Top, a nickname I guess.) Anyway, I figured that since I had gone to the trouble of hacking this thing and I had a little while before we left to return to King Soilsifter, I might as well take the opportunity to invade the privacy of some long dead pony. It wasn’t what I expected, however: there were a few entries that were particularly interesting…

Entry 1: Well, I finally got one of these computers that Goldenrod’s been talking about. He says it’ll be really helpful for running the farm, although I think he’d be really better with it than I ever will be. It seems the younger you are, the better you are with new technology. Still, if nothing else, I’ve been meaning to start keeping a journal.

Entry 5: I can’t believe it! Poor Ditzy Doo’s application to Stable-Tec was rejected! If any pony deserves to be saved from the world being destroyed by Zebra bombs, it’s her! Not that that’ll ever happen anyway. Even the Zebras wouldn’t be crazy enough to do something like that. Still, just the fact that they would tell somepony “no, we’re not saving you” just seems… well, rude doesn’t quite cover it. Still, the poor girl took it well, and she seemed very happy that her daughters got into one. She actually has a theory about why she didn't get in. She says that Stable-Tec is probably trying to preserve the continuation of ponykind, so they're only accepting younger ponies and couples for breeding, not old, single, post-menopausal mares like her. It's not very fair, but I suppose it makes sense, in its own dark way.

Entry 6: Well so much for Ditzy's little "preserve ponykind" theory! Unless Stable-Tec thinks Bon Bon's gonna impregnate Lyra! Ugh... It's not that I have anything against those two, Lyra's pretty much my best friend, but the only thing more well known than Bon Bon's relationship to Lyra is her relationship to the MoM! Some might say it's just a coincidence, but we all know how much corruption happens in those big companies, especially when said company is supposedly selling something as valuable as survival. Just look at Stable 2 down there, or as I like to call it "the Stable that Stable-Tec's CEO shoved all her family members into rather than making it fair game for all of Ponyville." Ugh... I need a drink...

Entry 11: Darn it, has all of Equestria gone mad!? Carrot Slices, my ingenious father-in-law decided to hop on the “end of the world” bandwagon, and did it in a way that makes Stable-Tec seem reasonable: he bought a tunneling machine from the Rock Steady Rock Farm up north. I can’t even think of what to say about that, there’s just no words for it, we’re strapped for bits as it is, and my daughter Sweet Treat is going to have her baby in less than a month! This is worse than when he bought that stupid Whac-A-Mole machine that just sits there while nopony uses it! The swindler he bought the dang thing from won’t take it back! I went to the police and they said that technically selling Carrot Slices the digging machine wasn’t illegal, and he has no obligation to give us our money back. I figured as much, but darn it, sometimes I think there’s just no justice in the world!

Entry 20: It’s over. For whoever reads this, I admit I was wrong.

Entry 21: I can’t believe I’ve gotten to write another entry. Carrot Slices actually tried that digging machine. I doubt it’s going to save us, but the whole family, as well as a couple of neighbors, have gone underground. We brought as much supplies as we could carry, and I grabbed the computer too. In retrospect the computer shouldn’t have taken such priority, but I was panicking at the time. Besides, it's not as bad as those neighbors who brought tuxes, ha ha. Gotta find humor in even the darkest times, you know? I figure I may as well continue my journal. To be honest, I doubt we’re going to last very long. I don’t think we can survive the fallout, especially since one of those bombs landed really close. I’m surprised we aren’t already dead.

Entry 24: It’s been horrible. The children are all terrified, and a lot of ponies are already starting to die. We’ve convinced most of the children that we’ll get through. Now if only we could convince ourselves. I’m so scared.

Entry 26: Our neighbor Lemon Hearts died today. Radiation poisoning. It’s only a matter of time for the rest of us. Minuette and Comet Tail are probably next; nopony’s skin should look like that. The Earth ponies though… we’re… changing, or something. It’s not what I thought would happen from radiation. Some kind of mutation, I guess.

Entry 29: The mother of all flukes just happened. Our digger actually ran into another tunnel! Some of the ponies from Rock Steady apparently had the same idea that Carrot Slices had, dug underground with one of their digging machines. Apparently their boss was trying to get every gem in that place to make as much money as possible and buy his way into a stable. It was foolish from a long term perspective, as it completely destroyed his land, but I guess that’s irrelevant because he was right about the bombs anyway. I’m still so shocked that the Zebras would go through with all that… Regardless, money’s also why he sold Carrot Slices our machine: Rock Steady had more machines than they could have used, and Carrot Slices didn’t know how much one of those machines was worth and was willing to overpay. From what the Rock Steady ponies told me though, that jerk got what he had coming: Even though he apparently got into Stable 97, he was asleep in his office at the time and completely slept through the warning his little PipBuck thingy gave him! By the time the megaspell hit in this area, it was too late. He took off toward the Stable, but there's no way he got there in time. We’ve started traveling with the rock farmers, for moral support if nothing else. Their Earth ponies are changing just like us, too. No such luck with the unicorns…

Entry 34: Sweet Treat had her baby. I’m honestly surprised it survived, and it doesn’t look like any pony I’ve ever seen, but it’s healthy! At least it looks that way, it’s laughing and playing just like there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it! It looks almost like a mole or something. She even named it Merry Mole! Kinda twisted if you ask me, naming a kid after his deformity, but at least the baby doesn’t seem to mind. It is a fitting name, anyway: he certainly is merry! I just hope we can keep the poor thing fed, we’ve almost run out of food and some of us have been having to eat bugs and underground fungus. Thankfully, we seem to be finding quite a lot down here. Maybe it has something to do with how fertile the soil is around here, it always did make good farmland. One pony suggested eating any ponies that die… ugh, I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

Entry 40: We lost another five unicorns today. Weirdly, the ones that started losing their skin have been just fine, even the ones who it happend to early on. They don’t even complain about their condition, except for their appearance. The earth ponies are still changing: we’re all starting to look just like Merry Mole. The kids seem to be changing faster than the adults, too. I wonder if the age slows the mutation somehow…

Entry 48: I can’t believe it! Comet Tail went mad and actually killed one of the Rock Steady ponies! He would have gotten Carrot Slices too, but some of us were able to restrain him… he was like an animal! One of the other rock Steady ponies actually had to kill him, it was so horrible! Minuette and the other skinless unicorns all decided that they should leave, go back up to the surface. They think Comet’s madness had something to do with whatever the radiation did to them. They said that they didn’t feel bad with the radiation but I’m still worried for them up there. I guess it’s just us earth ponies down here now, or whatever it is we’ve been turning into. None of us seem to be getting sick anymore, I wonder if we’re not going to die at all… maybe all that bomb did was change us somehow. I guess only time will tell.

Entry 49: Carrot Slices died today from the wounds Comet Tail gave him. Since he was right about the bombs falling, he’s kind of been a leader to us. On his deathbed, he left leadership to me. He said that I’m a realist, and that’s what we need right now. Even he admits he was being paranoid when he bought that drill, and he just got lucky. I don’t know if I deserve to be a leader, or even if we even need a leader. Still, if the others decide to follow me, I’ll do the best that I can!

The rest of the entries were about Carrot Top’s family and the Rock Steady ponies continuing their descent, and eventual discovery of their strange digging abilities. One day, they just ended up settling down in what was now the Grand Antechamber.

“Hey, Click’ whatcha reading?” Bishop asked. Apparently they’d finished examining the dead Ant Queen.

“Apparently the entire history of the mole ponies. This thing says they descended from mutated earth ponies. Instead of giving them Rad poisoning, the radiation just changed them somehow. But what I don’t get is that if that happened here, then why isn’t the wasteland full of mole ponies?”

“Not all bombs were the same. Both the Ponies and the Zebras were experimenting with different kinds of megaspells, and there were a lot of weird prototypes that weren’t mass produced. When the bombs got launched though, both sides launched everything. I guess one of the Zebras’ prototypes went down near here and had a bizarre effect on earth ponies. Now, since you’ve solved that little mystery, wanna try explaining the factories in the Ant Queen’s butts?”

“No. I really wish I could, but a pony can only tolerate so much weird.” All I had learned about that… thing was that it had something to do with a place called Stein Laboratories, and if that was all I ever learned about it, then that was good enough for me. Life was hard enough without all these mysteries. “Let’s just say a wizard did it and move on.”

*** *** ***

On our way back, we met a couple more ants, even another Super Hard Ant Reaver Thing. Fortunately, they were all preoccupied with carrying collected food for the Queen, and didn’t pay us any mind. It made sense, since we were catching them on their return trips. When we returned to the Grand Antechamber we were immediately greeted with thundering applause, with mole ponies showering us with flowers… well, mushrooms, but I could tell the sentiment was the same.

The first thing we did was go to Soilsifter to report that the Ant Queen had been killed. There were still a few ants left in the tunnels, but we predicted that their short lifespans would take care of that within a week or two. The body of the dead mole pony was taken to be prepared for a funeral and his family was notified, as well as the families of the few other mole ponies that the Queen had eaten before. Their loss brought many tears, but overall, most ponies were just happy that the ants were all but gone, and even the families of the dead were grateful for the closure. I also gave Carrot Top’s computer to Soilsifter, figuring that it would have great historical significance. It had apparently been taken by the ants that attacked his room when we first came, but he had only been using it as a lamp until then; he had never figured out the password.

While we were gone, Soilsifter had sent a small group of scouts to the surface with Chisel, both to take care of Chess’ bramins as per his instructions and to get some perspective on the Surface World. Apparently, Soilsifter was interested in trade, but after being told of the dangers by Chisel, he decided that exposure to the Surface World ought to be limited, especially considering the mole ponies were actually a lot better off than the average wastelander.

Soilsifter insisted that we stay and celebrate the defeat of the Ant Queen, and offered us a place for the night. At first I thought that Chess would say no, and that we’d been delayed enough already, but I was pleasantly surprised to hear him say “Our employers didn’t specify a day that they needed the statue by. I think they can wait a little longer.”

*** *** ***

We left early the next day, hoping to return again someday. The mole ponies had sent us off with more than enough rewards for us, namely a bunch of junk for Calamity, the bottlecap collection Soilsifter promised us, and a bunch of carrots for me. The moles introduced me to the little orange things at the celebration feast they threw for us, and it was love at first bite. The things almost tasted just like Sparkle Cola!

However, the next day of travel was really pretty boring. Even the place we decided to spend the night in was completely devoid of odd surprises! Sure, as we walked we had the occasional encounter with a gecko destroying a small city of dollhouses or a skeleton in a treasure chest wearing a sash that said ‘Hide and Seek Champion,’ and other various ellipsis causing phenomena, but after the Ant Queen, these were nothing. I’d actually stopped noticing the ellipsis after a while, and quite frankly, I'm sick of mentioning it every time one pops up.

That night, we slept in another abandoned building, this one thankfully free of sink holes. I was so tired that I fell asleep with my earbud in, listening to DJ Pon3.

“Hey, Wastelanders! This is DJ Pon3 with another report on the goings on in the wasteland! Another report of activity from the Legion, those yellow-armored raiders on station 66.6. Again, I’m sorry that those new stations didn’t go over too well with all of you, but hey, that Fizzypop girl wasn’t too bad, am I right? She certainly has good taste in stallions, hehheh. Anyway, those Legion bastards have reportedly taken over an entire town! And I'm not talking some small place like Gutterville or Arbu. I mean one of those cities up north, one of the big civilization-truly-coming-back sized places. Apparently, just two Legionnaires teamed up with a nearby gang, and together managed to completely overrun the place. Now everypony that gets too close winds up robbed, or worse. Therefore, all travelers are advised to stay the hell away from the town of-”

ZZZ... ZZZ...

(6_9)...

Footnote: Level up! Level two.

Perk Added: Magic Construct- What you lack in your shield’s size, you make up for in versatility! You can now cast a spell to create a magical melee weapon. It doesn’t do much in the way of damage, but it is great for parrying and can take any shape you wish.

Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, the Checkmate Company is on the last leg of their journey, but they've got one last hurdle before they reach the end, and this one's a real doozy! Watch your plot, Click Click, because things are about to get serious!

Author's Note

What's that Lone Wanderer? You just beat up a giant ant queen to help a girl drug her boyfriend? Well guess what? My little pony just killed a two headed cyborg ant queen and saved a whole civilization! And he was even able to avoid having to deal with a twisted double-standard karma system! In yo face!

The song in this chapter was set to the tune of Ikea by Johnathan Coulton. I know that song has been ponified before, but I'm pretty sure that the Ikea pony hasn't done anything involving secret races of underground mole ponies. Anyway, go ahead and check Johnathan Coulton out. You can download or listen to all of his music on his website. I recommend Creepy Doll.

While we're on the subject of songs, I'm sure you all have heard the song that I got the title from, Beyond Her Garden by Woodentoaster. Or at least you've probably heard one of the kajillions of remixes.

In other news, we have a new arrival to the pre-reader team, Beep Beep! There are still spots open though, if anypony is interested. So that makes Me, Tutis, Trivial, and Beep on the team so far. I'd like to thank, them, you readers, Hasbro, Lauren Faust, the various Fallout teams, and especially God for delaying Armageddon so I could post this. Remember that 2012 crap that was disproven as of the morning this chapter was posted? Yeah, that was so this fic could get finished, so you'd better be dang grateful for me. BOW TO ME, PEONS!

Anyways, that's it for now, bye!

Chapter 3: Baltimare

Chapter 3: Baltimare

"Raiders take whatever they want, whenever they want, and their favorite pastimes are torture and murder."

(6_9) ...

"... Baltimare!"

"Wait... what?" I shook my head, trying to reorient myself as Bishop jarringly brought me out of the fantasy world of my book. "Sorry, I was a bit zoned out, what did you say?"

"The town is called Baltimare. Right there, the one we're about to go into. It's our last stop before Whinnyappolis," Bishop said.

"Wait... I thought Baltimare was to the east, next to Fillydelphia. I found a map that says so!" said Knight.

"Don't be stupid, Knight. That map of yours defied everything we know about Equestria's geography. Fillydelphia is in the south next to Manehattan, Old Appleloosa is to the east and separated by mountains, and the Everfree Forest is to the west and touching Whitetail Woods to the north. See?" Chess pulled up a map on his PipBuck and shoved it in Knight's face.

Ignoring them, I looked ahead at Baltimare... There were a bunch of tall buildings, but the most noticeable thing was the giant wall around the perimeter.

"It doesn't look very inviting..." Stellar noted.

“Yes, this is Winkstepper territory. Don’t worry, I knew we’d be coming through here, I’ve dealt with them before," said Chess.

“Winksteppers? Are they raiders?” I asked, not sure how I would respond if he said yes.

“Hardly,” Chess said, rolling his eyes at the idea. “They put a giant wall around their territory and charge 50 caps each to let people through. They won’t hesitate to kill trespassers, but if you play by their rules they’re quite personable. Some might say they’re extortionists, but if you ask me it’s just business.”

“Why not just go around?” I asked.

“Well that’s where ponies get the ‘extortionist’ idea. They control the only way to get safely to the north. To the west there’s a river that’s pretty turbulent at the best of times, and that’s not even taking into account the Riverlurks.”

“Tainted gators. Fucking bastards are practically bulletproof,” Knight interrupted.

“Yes, and, unsurprisingly, the river itself is tainted as well. We can’t go to the east of the wall either because that’s Black Scorpion territory, and they really are raiders. Beyond them is a place rather infamous for Yao Guai, plus the land starts to get kind of mountainous at that point, so getting around that way would be deadly and take days,” Chess finished.

So they held a monopoly on travel and charged money for something that was usually free and was probably a necessity for some ponies. I could see that being viewed as extortion, but it wasn’t downright evil.

“So it'll cost 400 caps to get through. That's pretty expensive if ya ask me," Calamity said.

“Oh yes, but this job is going to bring in more than enough to offset the cost,” Chess said, a smug grin crossing his face.

*** *** ***

As we approached the wall, I realized that I hadn’t truly appreciated the size of it before. Now that we saw it up close, I realized just how big it actually was. My PipBuck notified me that I had just "found Baltimare," (as if I couldn't figure that out myself), and, more usefully, it gave me a map of the area. It was about the size of two or three New Appleoosas lined up next to one another. I guessed that the population must be on par with some pre-war settlements. I'd heard that places in Northern Equestria tended to have bigger populations, but I had no idea they could get this big. In addition to the wall, I noticed that there was a virtual moat of mines all around it, and barbed wire at the top, not to mention sniper towers. There were even a few sharpened stakes along the wall as well, one of which had a sun-bleached skull resting on it, the word “trespasser” carved on its forehead. I'd seen skeletons already, but putting pony remains on display like that? That was just scary. Numerous signs had been set up too, warning people of the mines and reminding them that Riverlurks and Black Scorpions were the only alternatives to paying the toll.

“That shit’s all for show,” Knight said nonchalantly, tilting her head toward the skull. “Look at that skull! If they were really the badasses they’re trying to make themselves out to be, don’t ya think they’d have some fresher bodies to show off?"

"She only knows that because I pointed it out to her last time we were here," Bishop whispered to me.

There didn’t appear to be any gate inside, only an outlined area where the road met the wall with a couple signs promising that there were no mines there. Written prominently on the wall were the words “PLEASE WAIT.”

“Wait for what?” I thought aloud.

“Just watch,” Bishop said knowingly.

There was a flash of purple light and where there was once just an empty space now stood a unicorn buck in leather barding with a drawbridge for a cutie mark. So that’s why they didn’t have a gate; they didn’t need one because their gatekeeper could teleport. He looked at each of us, his mouth silently moving as he counted how many of us there were. “Hello there. My name is Porter, and I’ll be taking you guys through. Let’s see, there’s eight of you, so that’s 400 caps if you want in.” He spoke quickly, and didn’t make eye contact with any of us.

Chess raised an eyebrow at the nervous gatekeeper, but gave him a bag full of caps anyway. I assumed Chess had counted them out earlier, but the gatekeeper didn’t even bother double checking. That bag could have been full of sawdust and we’d have gotten away with it. Maybe they just weren't that strict about the toll?

“All right then… I’m going to teleport you all in. It may be a little disorienting, so be prepared.” A purple light enveloped us, and I was suddenly blinded by a bright flash. It took a second for my eyes to readjust, and I felt a little nauseous, but at least every part of me seemed to have made the journey.

When I fully regained my faculties, I noticed that this part of the Winkstepper’s land consisted mostly of wrecked, lightly graffiti-covered buildings that had only just barely been able to stand the test of time. Many of the structures that had survived had been partially dismantled to contribute to the wall. A road cut straight through the town, with a tarnished, grimy sign to its right proclaiming "Welcome to Baltimare."

Porter whistled loudly and called out “We got eight over here! I’m gonna need about ten of you!” At his command, a group of guards who had been waiting nearby trotted up and flanked us. Oddly, the unicorns generally had better and more well-kept armor and weapons than the earth ponies did. Some kind of caste system perhaps? I brushed the thought away. That theory didn’t really make sense, but why else would the unicorns be getting preferential treatment like that? I was tempted to ask Bishop about it, since he seemed to know a lot about the places we went, but I decided I’d wait ‘til we were out of Baltimare.

As Porter and the guards led us through, I noticed how trashy the place seemed to be. The graffiti that marred the buildings near the entrance only got worse the further we got in. With every step we took, we were met with more and more spray painted walls featuring everything from benign, coltish doodles to badly drawn porn and swear words. “They’ve really let this place go,” I heard Chess mutter under his breath.
Even stranger than the graffiti was the fact that most of what used to be Baltimare was deserted except for the occasional skittish pony who darted away when we walked by. Were all of the Winksteppers this cowardly? Once I saw a little filly run into view, but an overprotective parent pony in black barding suddenly came and pulled her away. At first I was surprised that so few ponies lived here, but then I managed to catch a glimpse between the buildings and saw what looked like dwellings off in the distance.

“Why do you guys have all your homes so far from the road?” I asked one of the guards, an earth pony.

“It’s for security. It’s not that we don’t trust you guys, but… well, you can’t trust everypony out there, you know?” He was even more shaky than Porter. This guy was supposed to be a guard?

About halfway through Baltimare, I noticed that more and more of the buildings were intact, with a few tall office buildings acting as sniper nests. Some of the smaller buildings even seemed to have been used recently, as if a few residents had set up stores. I supposed that, even with the toll road to provide income, they had to conduct actual trade somehow to get food and equipment. However, for some reason even these places seemed abandoned, the shop’s wares all gone.

Suddenly Porter stopped and motioned for us to do the same. “I’m afraid this is as far as we go…” A dozen red dots appeared and seemed to dance all over our bodies: snipers, each one using a laser sight to make it obvious to us that yes, there were snipers here. Our escorts turned their weapons on us as well. As if all that wasn’t enough, numerous flashes of light blinked around us, replacing empty spaces with unicorns armed with rifles and shotguns (the name “Winkstepper” suddenly made sense to me; teleportation must have been some kind of tribal specialty, which also reinforced the theory of a unicorn dominated society somewhat).

Porter turned around, shaking with both fear and forced anger. “We… We’ll be taking everything. You can leave afterwards, but everything you own belongs to us! All I need to do is cast one signal spell and our snipers will cut each and every one of you down. Just give up and give us your stuff and we’ll let you go. Just be glad that Mr. Atrox isn’t here…”

Oh crap.

This was not good. For all my cavalier thoughts on mowing down raiders like the oversized radroaches they were, and even with my experience with the ants, I knew at once that I was out of my league. The ants were all dumb and limited in their abilities, but it occurred to me that these ponies were all intent on robbing or killing us, and they were all armed with guns, plus some of were far out of our own range for counterattacks. Sure, Porter had promised to let us go, but there was nothing stopping them from murdering us all then and there once we were disarmed. Even if they made good on their promise, I’d have nothing when they let us go. The whole group would be out in the wasteland unarmed and without any food or water. What were the chances of survival like that? Even then, what side of Baltimare would they send us out of? If we were sent north, I’d have a barrier of Raiders and Yao Guai stopping me from ever getting back to my family unless I somehow managed to go through the mountains, something that would require equipment and resources that I had no way of getting in the near future.

Silently, I started praying. Celestia, Luna, some third guy, it didn’t matter. Someone was up there and my heart was screaming at them “please, make them send me back home!”

“Dammit! Ah knew something was wrong! Ah could feel it!” Calamity barked furiously, staring death at Porter and the other Winksteppers. He looked like if he had just a second free from the snipers, he would turn all of Baltimare into a shooting gallery.

“Stay calm, Calamity,” Chess said, standing firmly in place with not even a hint of fear in his voice or posture. Beside me, Knight and Bishop took on ready, alert stances, looking just as confident as Chess. Knight was even smirking, as if she knew something nopony else did. Bishop, on the other hoof, was attentively staring at Chess, who was swishing his tail back and forth in an almost casual manner.

“Now, Porter, was it?” Chess continued, looking almost dismissively at the Winkstepper. “I know as well as you do that you are not ready for this. The whole ‘raider’ thing is new to you Winksteppers. I was here just a few weeks ago, and there wasn’t any of that graffiti on those buildings. Sure the trespasser skulls have been there a while, but anyone with eyes can see that all that is just posturing to deter ponies trying to skip the toll. Your guards hardly ever see combat; the mines take care of most trespassers and even when somepony manages to get through there’ll only be one of them, maybe two, and they’ll only be the type of pony that’s too poor to pay your toll. 50 caps per pony really isn’t that much to somepony who can afford to adequately arm themselves like we can. Face it, we’re ten times as deadly as any pony you’re equipped to face. If you let us pass through now, nopony has to get hurt, but if you try to fight us, the Winksteppers will take losses that far outweigh whatever you could possibly gain from robbing us. Besides, just look at the way you’re all cowering like that! You’re not ready for this! You see the mare, Knight? I’ve seen her kill over a dozen ponies in just one fight. They were a bunch of wannabe criminals. Just. Like. You. Give up this charade and let us go, and we can continue on our way like none of this ever happened.”

Porter seemed to falter. It was now that I realized that the little lines on my EFS. were all blue: everypony here was marked as “friendly,” or at least as friendly as a bunch of ponies trying to rob you could be. That knowledge barely did anything to slow my pulse, but my mind began to desperately cling to the idea that Chess could talk our way out of this. Even if this did come to fighting, Chess’ description of Knight being enough to take out half our opponents was enough to give me a bit of encouragement. Maybe we had a chance after all!

Porter’s knees visibly grew weak, and his eyes began to get teary. “If…If… IF IT’S BETWEEN DEALING WITH YOU OR CANIS ATROX, I’LL TAKE YOU, DAMMIT! YOU’D UNDERSTAND IF YOU MET HIM! EVEN IF YOU SO MUCH AS SAW HIM YOU’D JUST GIVE US YOUR DAMN GEAR AND LEAVE!"

Chess maintained his composure, only raising his eyebrow curiously at Porter’s outburst. “Now calm down and tell me who is Cani-”

“SHUT UP! UNLESS EVERY ONE OF YOU THROWS DOWN YOUR WEAPONS BY THE TIME I COUNT TO TEN, WE’LL KILL YOU ALL!” Porter was sobbing with fear now. He was out of his league and he knew it. The scary part though, was that now he was desperate. Whoever Canis Atrox was, he was apparently scarier than a gunfight with all of us. My horn instinctively began to glow. I didn’t know what I was doing at first, but in retrospect I think that I just didn’t think I was ready to fight them. I think I intended to throw down the gun, cower on the ground and pray that I would get to return home, and when I got there I would never again leave the safety of New Appleloosa again.

Chess, on the other hoof, barely reacted. He just continued to stare down Porter, his tail still swishing back and forth.

“One… T-two… Thr-”

Porter didn’t even get to finish saying three. While still not breaking eye contact with Porter, Chess suddenly snapped his tail to the left, and in an instant Bishop’s horn began to glow, casting a spell that covered our entire party and most of the Winksteppers in a bright dome of rainbow light. All of the enemies caught in the spell suddenly staggered back, dazed. It dawned on me that Porter wasn’t the only one who could give signals to attack; what looked like a simple wave of the tail could just as easily be a sign for “cast a disorientation spell.” Chess and his crew probably had all kinds of messages like that.

While all of the hostiles in the immediate vicinity were stunned, anypony that was on our side was spared from the spell’s effects. Good thing, too, because if we were also stunned, we wouldn’t have heard Chess yell for everyone to move.

I jumped to the side, just in time to dodge a poorly aimed bullet from one of the snipers, who was probably having trouble shooting through the light from the spell. There was no hope for a peaceful solution now, they were shooting at us!

I suddenly remembered my gun, already in the grip of my magic. I saw it no more as just a tool for killing things, now it was a lifeline, my one hope for survival. It was kill or be killed, and if that was the choice, I didn’t even have to think about it.

I was going to kill.

I immediately turned my weapon on the closest target, the guard that I had spoken to. I almost shot him in the head, but that one memory flashed through my mind for a split second. Instead, I aimed lower and got him in the neck.

As I pulled the trigger, I remembered the hypocritical line that the earth pony guard tried to feed me on our way here. “You’re right, you can’t trust everypony,” I thought scornfully.

The pellets from my shotgun dug into his neck and somehow severed his head almost cleanly with the sheer force of the blast. It was almost surreal to see his shocked, lifeless face sail backward as his body collapsed to the side. I slipped into SATS and aimed three shots at a nearby unicorn, right in the chest. His barding took most of the first shot for him, but after a quick reload, the second one ended it. Somehow, SATS knew that the third attack wouldn't be necessary.

SATS had made everything so slow, almost peaceful, but as soon as the unicorn died, I was thrust back into a world of chaos and gunshots. Up above, Calamity was dealing with the snipers, both dispatching them one after another and drawing their fire away from the rest of us on the ground. Knight was beginning to make good on Chess’s claims about her, having already brought down four enemies and currently working on her fifth. Chess had pulled out an SMG and was putting it to good use. Not all of our team was doing good though. Chisel had jumped into the cart with his statue and tried to make himself look inconspicuous while the panicking brahmin ran off, taking the cart and Chisel with them. Tricky had started to panic and was shooting randomly, not even aiming. At least he kept a grip on the gun this time I guess... Also, Bishop’s disorientation spell was starting to wear off, and the Winksteppers had begun to fight back, and worst of all, some of their reinforcements began to hear the gunshots and started coming out of the woodwork, including some which wore jet-black barding. I noticed that said barding was decorated with scorpion insignias, and I realized that the Winksteppers had joined with their raider neighbors. Fighting the unicorns was much worse; In addition to their better equipment, every time they took a shot they teleported elsewhere. Their accuracy seemed to suffer for it, but not nearly as much as ours.

I saw Stellar in the corner of my eye, dropping one of the teleporters with one deft shot just as it reappeared.

But she didn't see the Black Scorpion behind her...

*** *** ***

I found myself standing atop a speeding carriage, eleven years earlier. There were raiders behind us, at least three. I levitated a shotgun beside me, carefully trying to take aim at our pursuers. I heard my mom shout something to me, and then I looked up at her.

I was just in time to see her head explode.

*** *** ***

Stellar was lucky. The bullet clipped the side of her head, but the wound looked survivable, no brain damage or anything. It was just like I'd realized with the ants: if we could get to her in time, we could save her.

I ran towards her, materializing my tiny shield to cover as much of Stellar as I could. It wasn't much, but it did manage to block a couple shots and confuse her attacker.

I leapt over Stellar's body and fired a shot point blank at the raider's chest, pulping his heart and lungs. Bishop reached Stellar a second later and cast a more sufficient shield around all three of us.

"Will she be OK?" I asked, fear in my voice.

"Hopefully. Pour a healing potion directly on her wound, that'll speed the healing process up," Bishop said, his voice showing obvious worry by now.

I drew one of the potions and got it all over the wound, even using my mini shield to create a wall around it so that all of the medicine could get in.

"That should be good," said Bishop. "Now come on, we need to get her to a safe place so I can dress that wound completely."

I carefully levitated her as Bishop used his shield and led me into an alley.

"Great, now you stand guard really quick. I'm gonna have to drop the shield for just a second..."

I planted my hooves firmly on the ground at the opening of the alley while Bishop carefully used some kind of spell to remove her hair and fur from around her wound so he could get a healing bandage over it.

Before he could finish, a Black Scorpion earth pony saw us and charged.

"If you want to get to them, you'll have to go through me!" I said as I entered SATS and queued my one shot at his leg.

BLAM!

He screamed and tripped, landing on his face in front of me. I picked up his gun, which he'd dropped, and emptied two rounds into his lungs through his back before going to reload my own.

No sooner was my gun full again than another pair of Black Scorpions came at me. One was a unicorn stallion, the other was an earth pony mare, the former coming at me with a bat while the latter stayed back and used a gun. My barding took most of her shots, but a couple grazed some of the bare skin on my legs, only sheer adrenaline keeping me from shouting in pain. By now, SATS was almost full again, and I used it to shoot the stallion down before he could get close enough to use his bat. He landed just a few feet in front of the mare, who didn't seem to care that one of her allies had just fallen. Rather than reloading, I instead used the gun that the other Black Scorpion had dropped earlier.

It only fired once. Apparently it hadn't had a full clip in it when I first picked it up.

Before I could get my shotgun again, the mare scored one good hit to my chest. My barding took some of the sting off, but I'm sure one of my ribs cracked, making me drop to my knees. As if that wasn't enough, another Black Scorpion unicorn buck came at me with his own shotgun right then, the mare deciding to stop firing to avoid hitting him.

Oh crap... Was I about to die?

I whispered to myself as a shot tore at my leg from the new raider, who was getting even closer now, probably to get a point blank shot. "I guess I'm coming to see you mom... Killed by raiders, just like you..."

Wait...

Something snapped in me when that thought hit me. Suddenly these raiders weren't Black Scorpions, they were the same ones that had been chasing us on our carriage that day. The same ones that murdered my mother.

And I was going to get them back.

The moron with the shotgun put the barrel of his weapon right up at the base of my horn, there was no way for him to miss or for me to survive the shot.

Fortunately, I didn't give him the chance to fire.

Using the butt of my own gun, I jabbed him square in the windpipe, making him choke and imploding his magic. As he fell, I brought the gun down again and again on his neck until I heard something crack.

Wide eyed, the other one started shooting again, probably thankful to be well out of my range, or so she thought.

Her stallion comrade's body was still near her feet, and with a quick levitation spell I threw him at her, horn first. She screamed as the horn dug into her neck and wrenched around inside her as I let the body fall, letting gravity kill her for me.

Suddenly I felt a body fall onto my back; one of the Winksteppers had teleported above me and was now bear hugging me. I grabbed the one buck's shotgun and brought it up to where I assumed the side of her chest or belly was, and, hoping that this gun had at least one more shot left in it, pulled the trigger. I was rewarded with loud bang a scream of utter agony. Her scream soon deflated to a sob, however, and I was enveloped by a bright light as she regained her faculties just enough to cast a spell.

*** *** ***

I suddenly found myself in a jail cell, the unicorn sliding off me lazily and slumping on the floor. She seeming be trying to curl into a fetal position, but her hind legs just laid there limply. I noticed that my shotgun had hit her spine, probably leaving her paralyzed, not that that would earn any sympathy for this murdering thief. The guns hadn’t come with us when we teleported, but I figured one good stomp on the windpipe would leave her just as dead.

The little witch teleported herself away just before I struck.

I immediately checked my surroundings. It was just a little cell with only a cot and a toilet, with barely enough room to move around. Judging by the fact that we were in the middle of what used to be a city, I strongly doubted that this place was used for long term incarceration, probably just for keeping drunks overnight or perhaps more severe criminals temporarily until they could be moved to bigger prisons like Shattered Hoof. Somewhere in another room, I heard a radio playing very angry music, doubtlessly from channel 66.6. As unlikely as it was that the door would be unlocked, I checked anyway to no avail. Through the bars, I could see that we were in a long hallway full of cells, one of which contained Knight, sans her battle saddle. They must have gotten her already without me noticing and teleported the battle saddle off her. A moment later, a light shone in another cell, and a Winkstepper appeared in it with both Stellar and Bishop over his back. Stellar was now bandaged and thankfully had stopped bleeding. In an instant, the Winkstepper shoved Stellar off, waking her up, and teleported Bishop once more, this time winding up in the cell next to me. Over the next few moments, every other member of the team wound up in cells. As each one was brought in, their weapons were either left behind during teleportation or taken as they appeared in the cells. One unicorn had even managed to get Calamity (the Winkstepper himself didn’t actually appear in the cell with him, so I surmised that ranged teleportation was possible, but probably more difficult, otherwise the rest would have been doing it too.)

As time passed, the rush of battle wearing away and once again giving in to fear as the adrenaline passed and my injuries began to get really painful. I drank two healing potions, hoping they could fix my pain at least a little, but I knew I was going to die now; there was no doubt about that. We’d been offered a chance at survival and we’d completely thrown it away.

"Ugh... what happened?" Stellar asked, clutching her head.

"The Winksteppers went raider on us, and we were all captured..." Chess said ruefully.

Stellar's mouth fell open, in shock, the memories of what happened all coming back to her. "But... no, that can't..." she stammered in fear, but finally she laid down in defeat. "It’s… over, isn’t it?” she asked.

“No… no it can’t be!” Tricky insisted, his voice wavering in panic.“Bishop! You have some kind of spell that can help us, right?”

“Just one that might work…” Bishop said. His horn lit up, but the spell fizzled with a bright flash. “Damn! They must have some kind of anti-magic field inside these cells."

"Anyone manage to hang onto a weapon?" Knight asked. She had actually been completely stripped, teleported right out of her armor.

Chess laid down on his cell’s bed, thinking of possible courses of action. I heard Chisel in a cell beside me pacing about, trying to come up with some way to bribe his way out. Tricky was wailing in terror and Stellar just cried silently, facing away from the rest of us; I just couldn't bear to see her like that.

"Don't worry, Stellar," I said , "We'll get through this. I know we will." It was the opposite of how I really felt, but I still remembered Overmare Glitterdust's final act of lying to preserve hope.

"But we..." her eyes met mine, and her eyes began to water even more. Then she smiled. Somehow, I know that she realized what I was trying to do. "Yeah... we will."

I reached a foreleg through the bars, getting as close as I could to her. "Stellar... I..."

I was suddenly interrupted by somepony opening a door at the end of the hallway. A bright magical light washed across the room, after which we heard somepony say “alright, it looks like they’re all unarmed.” Great, a weapon detecting spell, these guys really knew what they were doing. Slowly, a black unicorn stallion walked into the room, looking from side to side at his captives. He had red goatee and wore yellow metal barding with a stylized black sun on the front. There was some kind of animal pelt on his head and on each of his sides he carried some kind of claw. In addition to the claw on his left, the side facing me, he also had a little keychain of a horribly beaten grey mare in a white hat. A trio of Winksteppers and a chubby mare followed in after him. The mare's armor was similar to the leader's, except it had a metal skirt on the back and she wore a helmet with a red plume as well. Her coat was the color of ash, and what I could see of her hair was pink, like meat that was cooked rare. Her hooves and maw looked like they were stained with blood.

“Is this all of them?” the pelt wearing pony asked.

“Y-yes sir, Canis Atrox, sir…” one of the Winksteppers responded.

“How many did you kill?”

“N-none. All captured.”

“And on our side?

“Um… I… I didn’t count. Including wounded, at think at least… twenty-five…” he just barely squeaked out the last word.

“Twenty-five... Mostly Black Scorpions I assume..." The black pony's voice teemed with a strange, controlled fury, like there was a flood of hellspawned rage behind it, held back somehow by a dam of tranquil restraint, only letting enough anger through in his tone to make those around him tremble rather than be reduced to utterly horrified blubbering.

The mare grinned, "But hey, at least you got them all alive! How very nice of you! You know how much I love playing with my food,” she said, putting her hooves on my cell’s bars and grinning from ear to ear at me. Her mouth was much longer than normal, her cheeks having been cut to extend it to ridiculous lengths. Not quite as creepy, but much more threatening, was that she had somehow replaced all her teeth with carnivorous looking metal dentures. I backed away, shaking with mortal terror. What was wrong with these ponies!?

“Oh, yes. We knew you’d like that, Miss Carrion,” the Winkstepper said, nodding enthusiastically. “That’s why we spared them!”

“Of course that’s why you spared them. Certainly not because they were too hard to kill,” Canis Atrox said quietly, “you sycophantic worm.”

Without warning, Canis whirled around and telekinetically levitated one of the claws, wrapping it around the Winkstepper’s neck as the other Winksteppers jumped back in horror. Carrion just smirked and watched.

Canis lifted the poor pony up in a chokehold, manipulating the claws as easily as if they were a part of his own body. As the Winkstepper struggled, Canis drove the free claw into the Winkstepper’s chest and began to cut in a circle, the claw slicing through armor and flesh almost as easily as air. I suddenly realized what animal the claws and pelt came from: Hellhounds. Where Tricky had lies and tall tales, this guy wore proof of his conquest on his head. The Winkstepper began to spasm and writhe as the Hellhound claw sliced through his lungs, but those weren’t Canis’ target. With one quick yank, the claw jerked back, holding the Winkstepper’s heart gingerly between its talons.

The last thing he saw was his own heart being sliced in half as the claw sheared through it like a pair of scissors.

Canis threw the corpse furiously against the bars of Stellar's cage, eliciting a scream of horror from her. The demoniac pony then clawed one of the other Winksteppers across the face and softly growled, “tell the others that the Legion takes no prisoners.” I felt sick to my stomach as I watched the poor pony turn tail and ran screaming, half of his face shredded into gore soaked strips of useless meat.

Carrion proceeded to casually walk over to the dead body and asked Canis "Are you gonna finish that?"

"You know I wont," Canis said with scornful passivity.

Carrion grinned widely and bit down on the corpse, eventually submerging her entire face into the body as she ate. Canis rolled his eyes at the sight.

I looked away and gagged. Was there no end to the atrocities these ponies could commit? Not only was I going to die, I was going to die in the worst way these psychos could imagine, and then if that wasn’t enough my remains would be desecrated by this cannibal.

“No, we don’t take prisoners,” Canis mused, putting one of the claws thoughtfully to his lip and turning about the hallway and looking at all of us “but we do leave witnesses... Which of you ponies... is the weakest?

"Me! Please! I suck! Just let me go!" Tricky screamed.

"I've lived my whole life in Tenpony! I'm not strong at all!" Chisel yelled.

Canis just smiled, and turned to the last Winkstepper, a unicorn. "Let them out."

The Winkstepper's horn glowed, and their doors swung open.

"Carrion?" said Canis with a smirk.

"Heh heh, you got it!" she said, grinning maniacally as usual. She produced a pair of knives, and tossed one at both Tricky and Chisel's hooves. "We only need one of you... I think you know what to do."

At first the two ponies just stared at her, stunned, but they quickly realized what was on the line.

The rest of us all started yelling at them to stop, to do something, anything, besides play along with the raiders' sick game.

Their calls fell on deaf ears. Each one snapped up their weapon in their magic and watched the other carefully, either too horrified to move, or waiting for the other to attack first. I just couldn't tell.

Finally, Tricky attacked, thrusting the knife at Chisel. The sculptor jumped back, just narrowly avoiding a lethal stab. Tricky rushed forward again, swinging furiously. Chisel backed away, but received numerous cuts.

"Yeah! You go, Whatever-Your-Name-Is!" Carrion cheered.

SPLRTCH!

We all went silent as the final blow was struck.

Tricky's knife clinked against the ground, his magic imploding as he realized he had a blade in his chest.

Chisel could only stare. As Tricky collapsed, the aristocrat fell to his knees in sheer horror.

I couldn't believe it... He was gone... I didn't even like him, but he didn't deserve that! If he would just get back up, I'd be fine with more of his lying if it meant he wasn't dead!

"Excellent. Carrion, take him away and get him branded," Canis said, completely nonreactive to Tricky's death.

"Hellz yeah! I love the smell of burning skin in the morning!" the mare said as she led Chisel away, the sculptor following in a blind daze. "Just make sure nopony takes that corpse, I want it!"

"Well, now that that is done with..." Canis said. "I have to admit, your group was able to do quite well against my soldiers earlier. Now that may not be saying much, but it never hurts to trade up. Perhaps since you are confident enough in your skills not to volunteer to leave, maybe you'd prefer to be our allies?"

“Hell, if it’s between joining and gettin’ all sliced up and eaten,’ sign me up,” Knight said, her voice sounding disturbingly confident for what she was saying. She had been as scared as the rest of us earlier, so she was practically jumping at a chance for survival. Calamity, Stellar, and I all looked toward her in shock.

“You there, did you see the battle outside?” Canis addressed the last Winkstepper.

“Y-yes.”

“Which ones performed the best?”

“These three,” he said, pointing to me, Knight, and Calamity. Really? I was in the top three? “The pegasus took out most of our snipers before Porter teleported his battle saddle off and brought him here. The unicorn and the earth pony were just... monsters. They each got at least seven. The white ones also had some kind of signal and spell system or something that helped their group get the jump on us, even though they didn’t really do much good otherwise.”

“Not bad... hopefully they have more than just those cheap tricks. One doesn't have to try hard to fool idiots like you." Canis said, waving a claw dismissively.“Wait… you said there was a pegasus?” He trotted over to Calamity, seeming curious, yet maintaining his passive nature, “you aren’t ‘Deadshot’ Calamity, are you?”

“What’s it to ya?" Calamity spat, glaring at him.

“Not much to me, but Lightbringer is quite a fan. She spoke very fondly of the way you handled your fellow soldiers when you left the enclave.”

“Who’s Lightbringer?”

“Our leader. Not of the Winksteppers, mind you, they are mine to control. Rather, she controls the Legion: the most feared and ruthless gang out of all the raiders in the wasteland, and it looks like you have the unique opportunity of joining us,” Canis’ voice took on a note of pride.

“'Most ruthless raiders in the wasteland’? Hmph. Ya ask me, that’s like sayin’ yer the smelliest piece o’ shit in the outhouse. Ah’ll die before Ah join up with the likes o’ you.”

Canis’s calm face broke into a mask of shock. Apparently Lightbringer’s descriptions of ‘Deadshot’ Calamity didn’t exactly match up well with the real deal. Then he scowled furiously, saying “Good. Because those are your options.” He turned to the last Winkstepper and said, “a few of the Black Scorpions wanted to join the Legion too, didn’t they? Go and tell Carrion that with these ponies here, I think we finally have enough to test ‘The School.’”

*** *** ***

The School, formerly Springfoal Elementary, was the product of Black Scorpion and Legion sadism combined with Winkstepper resources. It was located on the eastern edge of the Winkstepper’s territory, where the city of Baltimare began to fade into what once were suburbs. Just another mile away was the wall, and the Black Scorpions’ home beyond it, clearly visible through a gaping hole that had been ripped open just ten short days ago by the Black Scorpions during the hostile takeover that turned the Winksteppers from relatively peaceful businessponies into bumbling bandits.

Pre-apocalypse, this place was a haven for education and fun. Everything about the school had been painstakingly designed to maximize its students’ ability to learn, and, perhaps more importantly, to protect them in the event of a Zebra attack. That is, a Zebra invasion. Sadly, the bulletproof windows, security cameras, and special emergency lockdown system didn’t stand the smallest chance of protecting against radioactive fallout from a megaspell. Now that the radiation was all but gone, this place that was meant to keep foals safe had been turned into a field for gladiatorial bloodsport.

Me, the rest of my group, and a few other ponies had each been blindfolded and led to separate rooms throughout the school and trapped there by the lockdown system. We were supposed to wait until they released the lockdown, then hunt each other down and fight to the death. Once we’d whittled our numbers down to a mere three, the battle would end and we’d be given the 'prestigious' title of Legionnaires. We had been stripped of our armor (the jerks even took my glasses) and given only a machete and whatever we could find in our respective classrooms which, at least in my case, seemed to amount to nothing more than some ruined books, desks, and a teacher’s broken terminal. At the front of the room was a chalkboard that bore the repeated message “I will not overreact to Derpy being changed. I will not overreact to Derpy being changed. I will not overreact to Derpy being changed," a now meaningless message from a debacle now centuries old.

I was led to my room relatively early, so I was trapped in the room for half an hour according to my PipBuck’s clock (they weren’t able to take that off at least, since they didn't have the proper tools and, I realized, I had forgotten mine back home.) I used that time to scavenge the room for anything useful, but unless I wanted to stab people with broken pencils or slap them to death with comic books, nothing would have matched my machete for sheer killing power. On a more useful note, I managed to find a pair of dusty old glasses in the drawer of the teacher's desk. I put them on out of curiosity, and amazingly they ended up working! Now what are the chances of finding a random pair of abandoned pre-apocalypse glasses that were not only a perfect fit for my head, but also exactly the kind I needed for my eyesight?

I kept searching the room, but I realized quickly that it was merely just something to do, as I was already as well armed as I could have been. As I searched, I silently hoped that the only ponies I met were raiders, because I would NOT, under any circumstances, kill one of my new friends. I didn’t even want to be a Legionnaire. My hope was that me and two of my allies would all make it out, and we’d take advantage of our relative freedom as Legionnaires to make an escape.

Wait… that means that even under ideal circumstances, most of my friends would be dead! Was I really in so deep that my best case scenario would come at that kind of price?

While I searched the room, Canis was ‘kind’ enough to play the radio over the school intercom to pass the time, and of course it was turned to station 66.6, or as its official name was, Legion Radio.

As the last notes of an angry, guitar heavy song finally faded away, a voice spoke up.

"Hey listener people!"

Wow... that was much more bubbly than I'd have expected for the DJ of the infamous raider radio station. Even the voice sounded almost juvenile, like a little filly.

"Thank you for listening today! I'm Trepan, and here is our host-slash-leader-slash-bestest-best-friend-ever: Lightbringer!"

"Thank you, Trepan." This voice was more like it. It was another mare, but much more mature and snide. Even if I hadn't known she was the leader of the gang that had murdered Tricky, I knew I wasn't going to like her. "Well, faithful listeners, today we're broadcasting from a chemical plant we found, and I got a piece of news that really put me in a good mood.

"Basically, I have a new favorite Legionnaire: Canis Atrox. Now, he's not as creative as a lot of you guys are when it comes to torture and just general evil and stuff, but he knows how to get shit done! Just less than two weeks ago, he was traveling the wastes when he came across another Legionnaire who wasn't doing so great... I'm talking about you, Carrion! Anyway, Canis decided to whip her gang into shape for her. You see, Carrion's Black Scorpion gang was nestled literally right next to the settlement of Baltimare. For those of you who suck at geography (that is, pretty much all of you) Baltimare is a town with a giant wall around it. The natives there, who call themselves 'Winksteppers," charge ponies a bunch of money for safe passage through their town, rather than having to swim through a tainted lake or risk going through Black Scorpion territory. Incidentally, that toll road they ran was the Winksteppers' only source of income, and the Scorpions were the main reason ponies used the toll road at all, so the Scorpions could have completely fucked Baltimare up by literally walking away. That's how easy it was to cause trouble there, and they still couldn't pull it off. Once Canis was in charge, however, he took control of the gang, attacked Baltimare, and completely made it his bitch! Which is fitting, I guess, considering that whole Hellhound thing that he has going on. Now he's got the whole place under his hoof and he's been robbing passerbys ever since.

"And now that the news is over, it's time for my favorite part of doing this radio thing. We have a special guest today. Why don't you tell us your name?"

Whoever she was addressing didn't respond, but in the silence I could hear a light crying that I now realized had been going on since Lightbringer's 'show' started.

"I said tell us your name!" I heard a bone snap and the crying turned to a bizarre, inequine scream. "Oh wait..." she said in obviously fake realization. "Hey, Trepan, do you think maybe he isn't responding because we cut his ears off and he can't hear?"

"Yeah!" Trepan spoke up again, just as cute and bubbly as before, as if watching Lightbringer's evil was just fillyish game for her. "Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that we cut his tongue, lips, and cheeks off too, not to mention his eyes and hooves. I guess that means he can't tell us his name. Ooh! Maybe we should call him 'Ribbons,' because we cut his skin up, just like ribbons!"

"That sounds perfect. Incidentally, remember what we found out about the stuff in these vats earlier?"

"Well, that infobot said it could eat through even the toughest lime scale!"

"Ugh... No, no, not that... fucking retard. I meant how when you get the stuff in a cut, it hurts like a motherfucker. I think Ribbons wants to test it out..."

"I'll help!" Trepan exclaimed gleefully.

There was a loud splash, and Ribbons began screaming in indescribable agony.

"Hey! Quit splashing, dumbass! You almost got it on me!" Lightbringer yelled. "Besides... Since you didn't get your Cutie Mark for suffering and bleeding, maybe you can get it in swimming.

"Anyway, I'm done with him, so back to the music, starting with a shoutout to Canis Atrox. Here's Disturbed, with Indestructable."

As the music began to play, my teeth were clenched in relentless fury. These ponies were just abominations! I didn't know what was worse, their remorseless torture and murder, or the fact that they did it so casually! If this is what those Black Scorpions aspired to, then I was looking forward to getting to use my machete on a couple of them. I even began entertaining the thought of joining up with the Legion and rising through the ranks until I met Lightbringer, just so I could kill her myself. Of course, being in the Legion would probably force me to hurt innocents just like Canis did, so it wasn’t really an option. Still… The thought of giving her what she deserved… I swung my machete at an imagined image of that evil mare. Although, I’d never seen her, so instead I just pictured her as looking like a villainous looking pony that I’d seen on the cover a Sword Mare comic that I found in one of the desks, except with that yellow armor that I figured was the Legion’s uniform. And horns. Because she was that evil.

Once the song stopped, Carrion spoke over the intercom instead. “Gotta hand it to that Lightbringer, she's good at what she does! I mean, personally I prefer eating them alive and raw, but shit, that was just brutal! I gotta try it next time! Anyway, I think it’s about time we got started! Today, many of our own ponies met their deaths at the hooves of six ponies making their way through town. Silly ponies, don’t they know that we are the ones who are supposed to be killing them? Ha! Well anyway, because they kicked so much ass, we’re letting them have a chance to be a part of something great: the all-powerful Lightbringer’s Legion! Not only them, but eight members of my Black Scorpions have decided to prove their worth as well. Even Pearly Gate, a Winkstepper, is out to join us. And I thought you guys were just a bunch of whimps. ‘Bout time one of you showed some balls! Fifteen ponies enter the School today… but only three will, heh heh, graduate. Thanks to the School's security system, we'll be able to watch the whole thing on these screens, and my new friend Chisel here is gonna watch the whole thing with us so he can tell the world what we do to people who piss us off! ... Or just to anyone we can get our hooves on, we really don't give a fuck. So let’s do this! Release the fighters!”

Applause rang out over the intercom, revealing that Carrion was speaking in a room with an audience. It occurred to me that perhaps it was the school’s auditorium, just barred off to prevent the fighters from getting in. Then, the school’s lockdown ended, and all the classroom doors simultaneously unlocked.

Oh snap.

This was really happening.

I was NOT going to let myself end up like Tricky.

My first thought was that the other competitors were just starting to hunt me and the rest of my party, so I should leave now and hit them first, but before I reached the door, I noticed a red line on my EFS nearby: a hostile! They must have put one of them in a room near my own. I froze up and decided to wait in the room until they passed me, then I could try sneaking up on them. I heard them loudly slamming open a door to a nearby classroom, then another one, and another one. They must have been checking the classrooms for potential victims, and based on the way the red line was moving, they’d hit my room any second now. That gave me an idea.

I got into a decently concealed position and levitated the teacher’s computer above the doorway. As soon as the raider, an earth pony mare, opened the door and stuck her head in…

WHAM!

The blow got her hard on the head, dazing her and probably giving her a concussion from what it looked like. I charged her, slashing at her with the machete, slicing her neck. As she collapsed from the terminal wound and I saw the horrified look in her eye, I almost felt sorry for her. Then I noticed that her cutie mark was a foal impaled on a stake and remembered that she was trying to join a gang of super-raiders. So instead I cut her again. She wasn't worthy of pity.

Carrion's voice burst over the intercoms, “Well, it looks like the blue guy from the Checkmate Company has already made the first kill! Too bad for that mare… I’ve seen what she can do and I honestly thought she’d do better. Ah well, at least this blue guy's got some moxy." I looked around and noticed that there were security cameras literally every dozen or so yards near the ceiling. When they built this place, they really pulled out all the stops.

I ran through the hallways, checking my EFS for more red lines. It paid off soon enough, when I saw that there was a raider coming around a corner. Without my EFS, he would have seen me before I saw him. Instead, I was able to wait near the corner and surprise him. I dual wielded the machetes, using one to pin his, and the other to slit his throat. He dropped his weapon and started to choke. I noticed, ironically, that his cutie mark was a bloody straight razor. Just a slit throat wasn't enough for him though. He kept struggling, but I had the upper hoof and made sure he knew that. I used both of my weapons and gave him everything I had. He didn't stand a chance.

Carrion commented again, “Ooh! Now that’s brutal! Another one for the same blue unicorn as earlier. Hey… Ah, he’s got a PipBuck, that explains the surprise tactics! The rest of you assholes better watch out and… WHAT!? That Winkstepper bitch just destroyed one of our cameras! Stop that! It’s not like I’m not gonna give away your position or anything! Well, I might if you break any more. Anyway, in other, less irritating news, my personal favorite Scorpion, Venom, has just teamed up with... some other guy (I can't be expected to remember all these guys, y'know.) Anyway, watch your asses... or don't, the look on your faces when you're surprised is priceless!"

One of the machetes ended up breaking. The things were in horrible condition. Checking to make sure that nopony was coming for me and ducking into a nearby classroom, I took the broken one and used it to repair one of the others, keeping the third one from my latest victim on hand in case somepony came at me. (I can’t tell you how I managed to combine two machetes into a better one, it’s a trade secret.)

As I came out of the classroom, Carrion made another announcement. “OUCH! That had to hurt! Word of warning: when your enemies include pegasi, make sure you look up! AND STOP BREAKING MY CAMERAS, DAMMIT!” I smiled as I realized that there were only 5 Black Scorpions left in here now and for whatever reason the Winkstepper was still getting on Carrion's nerves.

I explored the school a bit more, and eventually I found a wonderful sight: a blue line on my EFS.

“Stellar? Calamity? Is that you?” I said as I turned around the corner, but instead of a familiar pony, I came face to face with a unicorn mare.

“Don’t attack! I’m friendly!” she said, stepping back.

Carrion spoke again, “Good! Now that you two are together, KILL HER ASS!”

The mare then teleported up toward a security camera, machete in her teeth, and touched a hoof to the device. She teleported back to the ground again, except this time she brought the camera with her, severing it from its connection to the wall.

“FUCKDAMMITSHITCOCKSONOFABITCH!” Carrion screamed as her view of the potential fight was taken away.

“So… you’re on my side I take it? Well that’s a good thing for once. My name’s Click. She said your name was ‘Pearly Gate,’ right?” I said to the Winkstepper mare. She had a bright yellow coat with short red hair and her cutie mark was an archway with a beautiful meadow beyond it. It was the kind of natural beauty you only see in books.

“That’s right. I’m sick of these raiders forcing us to go along with their crimes. You and your friends have been the only ones who have stood a chance against them, so I’m going to help you get rid of them once and for all,” she said.

“Great. I assume you have a plan?”

“Yeah. We Winksteppers have always been tougher than the Black Scorpions, in matters of equipment if not bravery. The problem is those Legionnaires. There’s a reason they’re the most feared gang in the wasteland. They’re absolute killing machines, and unless we want to find ourselves on the business end of Canis’ claws, we have to do what they say. In fact, Canis alone knocked out thirty of us when we tried to fight him. He only left them alive so we’d be able to work as soldiers, but he was more than able to kill them.”

Wait, thirty? Alone? It took our whole group to do twenty-five!

I swallowed fearfully and asked “But if you guys are so scared of him, why don’t you just teleport away?”

“Some of us did. Unfortunately, the further we try to teleport, the more exhausted we get. It’s much easier to just jump short distances than is to reliably teleport far enough away that they don’t try to chase us down or snipe us, bad at sharpshooting as they are. Besides, no matter how scared we get, most of us refuse to abandon our earth ponies and children.”

I nodded in understanding. There was more honor to these ponies than I first guessed.

“Alright, what do you need me to do?”

“First, we need to gather up your friends. I figure that if we can get all of you rounded up, my allies and I can get you someplace safe. Basically, I'm going to teleport you all to one of my friends, and he'll relay you somewhere else. I know of an old winecellar in one of the old houses around here that will do just fine. Once you’re hidden there, you guys can come out at night catch Canis off guard. Out of all of them, he's the biggest threat. When he's dealt with, the rest of the Winksteppers should regain a bit of their courage and be able to fight off the Black Scorpions and maybe even Carrion on our own. ‘Cut off the head and the body will die,’ as they say. It’ll be a messy process, and we may lose a lot of good ponies, but as far as I can see, it’s our best chance.”

I wholeheartedly agreed. To prevent Carrion from seeing that we were teamed up, I gave Pearly one of my bloody machetes and then she ran into the field of vision of one of the cameras.

Carrion groaned over the intercom again “Aw, fuck! Great, now she killed my second favorite and, once again, she’s probably gonna-”

Pearly took out the camera.

“Of course…"

From then on we made it a point to take out all of the cameras before they saw me. For a while, Carrion only mentioned the lost cameras, not any killing yet, until her commentary brought chilling news of more bloodshed.

“Ooh! It looks like Venom and his buddy just found one of those Checkmate Company ponies!”

Oh no…

"How about Venom holds her back while the other guy guts her? ... Wait... oh, crap, she's actually holding her own!"

I wondered if that meant she was Knight then... knowing her, she might wipe them out.

"AUGH!" I heard a voice cry out from around a corner: I immediately recognized it as Stellar's.

I darted for the sound of her voice, forgetting Pearly's plan to stay hidden. We could figure something else out to fix that later, Stellar was much more important.

"Click! Wait! Aw, dangit..." Pearly said, seeing that her plan was already ruined.

I found Stellar within seconds. She was being assaulted by two Black Scorpions, one a bulky unicorn stallion with a purple coat, dark grey mane, and a skull and crossbones cutie mark, and the other an earth pony stallion with a red coat, orange mane, and a cutie mark of a bloody knife. Stellar seemed to be holding her own, but I could see what made her scream: one of them had gotten a lucky shot on her back left thigh, making a deep cut across her cutie mark, giving her a clear limp.

I didn't wait a second longer. I charged right at them, tackling the red one and slashing at him with both my weapons. Pearly was following close behind, and went for the orange one, giving Stellar just enough of an opening to get away, despite being hobbled.

"What!? The blue guy is alive?" Carrion shouted over the intercom. "Well, not that that's a bad thing I guess, especially since now that he's going toe to toe with Venom, we're probably in for one Hell of a show. I just hope the yellow bitch gets offed at some point."

The unicorn, who I figured was Venom, kicked me off of him, undaunted by the cuts I gave him. He telekinetically swung at me while I was stunned, but Stellar ran up and blocked it with her machete just in time. Even crippled, she wouldn't let us fight alone.

"Thanks for the save," I said as I refocused.

"I could say the same to you, but let's get this jerk first," she said.

Venom certainly put up a challenge for us. Even with three machetes against his one, he was clearly better at melee fighting than we were. We were making slow progress though, keeping him on the defensive and getting the odd hit on him.

I wasn't watching her, but Pearly apparently fared pretty well, as it wasn't long before Carrion came over the intercom
again. "OW! Right in the face! Yeah, I don't think Ven's buddy will be getting up from that. Dang it, I wanted the Winkstepper to die..."

As his ally fell, Venom realized that his defense wasn't working as Stellar got a good slash on his chest. Switching strategies, he made a wide and furious swing. While he was open I gave him a brutal gash right in his shoulder.

He got Stellar down the side of the neck.

She staggered back, clenching her teeth and grunting in pain, while Venom pivoted on his forelegs and bucked at us. His wounded foreleg threw off his aim in my case, but he got Stellar square in the jaw, twisting her head in a way that tore her wound open even further and knocking her across the floor, spewing blood.

"NO!" I screamed, almost forgetting that I was fighting a dangerous opponent. Venom almost attacked me, but with a bright flash of light, Pearly teleported on top of him like my capturer earlier and distracted him from getting at me again.

"I'll take care of this guy! Go to her!" she yelled.

I didn't think twice. I just turned and ran. Stellar was on her side in a pool of her own blood.

"Stellar! Oh Luna save her..." I prayed as I reached her.

She saw me coming and rolled onto her back to face me. Tears were running down her face and her entire side was covered in blood, which was cascading down her neck. "Click..."

"I'm here." I tried to remain calm for her sake, but inwardly I was screaming.

She forced herself onto her haunches. I wanted to tell her to conserve her energy or something, but I was too horrified to speak. She leaned forward and hugged me, her coat sticking to mine with blood. I hugged her back, and I started crying with her.

"I... I know I'm going to die. Don't try that Glitterdust thing, I can already feel it," she said. "I just want you to know... You're a good pony, Click."

"Nowhere near as good as you..." I said.

"Better than most of this world. I'm glad I met you."

I could only sniffle and cry.

"I want you to live Click. I was horrified when Carrion was talking about you dying, and seeing that you were OK made me so happy. And it's not just for me: The world needs ponies like you, and you deserve to be alive to give it what it needs. Promise me you'll get out of here and live. Live for both of us."

"I will. For you, anything," I said, holding her tighter.

She gently pushed herself away from me, allowing us to make eye contact for one last time. Despite her imminent death, somehow she was able to smile, like she was at peace as long as she knew that I had a chance to escape.

No words came to me. I wanted more than anything to say something to make things better, but there was nothing. I could see the same sentiments in her glimmering, tear-soaked eyes.

Slowly, she pulled herself closer to me, and our lips met. I hadn't expected the gesture, but returned it lovingly. The kiss wasn't lustful or erotic. It was a purely emotional seal of friendship, a promise of remembrance and a testament to what could have been.

We held it for a just few seconds. Just a few seconds of pure love and togetherness... Then it was gone. She finally exhaled and went limp. Her lips fell away from mine, and I opened my eyes to see her dead, unmoving. My tears came forth stronger than ever, and I hugged her again, sobbing like a child.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to just sit there and hold her body forever. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I wanted to follow her soul into heaven. I wanted to tear down the world that had killed her and burn whatever was left.

I wanted to be left alone. The world, though, wouldn't have that.

I heard Pearly scream and get thrown hard against the ground, teleporting only just in time to avoid Venom's machete. From what I saw of her before she vanished, bruised and bleeding all over, there was no way she'd be able to fight again anytime soon.

Unfortunate for her, but it had a small upside...

It meant that Venom was all mine.

I gently laid Stellar down and got to my feet, shaking with fury.

"Heh, the little chickenshit got away. Ah well, I'll just have to hunt her down chick once I'm done with you," he said, smirking. Every word sounded like childish bullying, his voice easily the most annoying thing I'd ever heard. It was just salt in the wound on top of everything else.

I levitated my machetes and Stellar's, putting one of them in my mouth to make it easier on my telekinesis. I was so angry that I bit down so hard on the wooden handle that it cracked and I had to spit it back out.

"Aww, you look pretty angry. What? Did I kill your girlfriend? Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, you have great taste. I honestly wish I could have nailed her first before I-"

"You shut the fuck up!" I screamed. "Don't you dare talk about her like that!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? What are you gonna do about it?"

I stared at him with such fury that the look of it made him shiver a bit. I thought I heard Carrion say something over the intercom, but the message was lost to me. The whole universe was lost to me. All that was left was me, him, and all of my hate. The only thing in the world that could possibly make me happy was his slow, painful death. "I'm going to kill you," I said, my rage building, "except I won't just kill you. I'm going to torture you. I'm going to make you suffer worse than any being in the wasteland has ever even imagined. When I'm done with you, when you have the undeserved fortune to die, you're going to find burning in Hell to be a relief compared to me!"

His eyes widened in genuine shock. Evidently he hadn't expected that kind of thing from his next victim, but he managed to keep his cool. "Well, now that's some big talk. You really think you can-"

I didn't even let him finish before screaming and charging him. He didn't deserve one more second of life without being in indescribable agony, let alone the chance to speak another word.

He saw me coming and blocked my machetes with his own and one more which he quickly picked up from his fallen ally. The one thing he didn't block though, was my horn, which I drove right into the same shoulder I'd hurt before. He started to fall on top of me, but I shoved him back with my own magic.

However, when I did that, it distracted me long enough for him to use his own magic to disarm me. With my grip weakened, he took the opportunity to knock both machetes out of my telekinesis. It was an irrelevant victory for him though. Just behind him I saw a trophy case, and I knew just how to use it to hurt him far more than my machetes could. With my machetes gone, I put all my magic into throwing him instead, sending him careening into the trophy case, the glass shattering when he hit it and scattering all over the floor. Then I spun him in the air as he fell, making him land on his back in what I figured was just the right position.

I turned my magic on the trophy case itself next. It was heavy, but once I got it to tip a little, it went down quickly, the top part landing squarely on his chest, making him cry out. It was the only time his voice didn't irritate me. While he was down, I ran up to the fallen case, uncaring of the glass digging into my hooves, and jumped on top of it. I could actually hear his ribs breaking. I hopped off and dragged his body out from under the case, Venom offering no resistance other than screams as his broken ribs scraped and bent against the wooden frame.

I threw him down on the glassiest spot I could see, then began storming up to him. I realized, suddenly, that the glass which was now imbedded in my hooves could serve a useful purpose. Wanting to look him in the eyes, but do so in the most painful way possible, I rolled him onto his back as I approached him, then stomped on one of his rear knees. As he screamed, I kept going and aimed my next stomp on his crotch, then his gut, his broken ribs, and finally one last one directly on his wounded shoulder as I stared the object of my hatred in the face. I got my hooves onto the more solid ground for balance and levitated one of my machetes to me and placed it against his throat.

"Apologize," I ordered him, smirking sinisterly despite the tears flowing freely from my eyes.

He was now sobbing in agony. Clearly more scared than he'd ever been in his miserable, worthless life, he blubbered "I... I'm sorry, okay? I was just-"

I grabbed a bunch of the nearby glass in my magic and rubbed it deep into his shoulder. "No, give me a sincere apology."

"I'm sorry! Please! I'm sorry!"

"No. You're not sorry. You're a raider. You don't care about suffering," I dug the glass in more. "You don't care about others." I twisted the glass around. "You only care about whatever the hell it is that you get your kicks from. You aren't capable of being sorry. All you can ever do is make the world a worse place to be in. You don't deserve to live. You don't even deserve to have your blood spill on the same earth as ponies like Stellar."

All he could do was whimper. I could smell that he'd just pissed himself in fear.

"Venom. The big bad raider who murdered one of my best friends, reduced to this. How fitting, sobbing on the ground pool of your own blood, where you belong."

Just then Carrion's voice boomed, "Yeah! Now that's how we do it in the Legion! Kill him! We don't want crybabies like him!"

I smirked at Venom. Who would have thought I'd agree with that cannibalistic monster?

"Pearly Gate, are you still there?" I called.

"Did you finish him?" she asked weakly as she stepped around the corner. I didn't blame her for hiding, Venom had pushed her to her limits. I only had one thing to ask of her.

"No, he's alive, but I don't want to give Carrion the satisfaction of watching me finish him off."

She looked taken aback, but nodded. Rather than teleporting, she just telekinetically drove a machete into the camera lens. It looked like she was conserving her magic. "There. Now slit his throat and then let's go."

I almost did. But after all he took from me, I decided that he hadn't suffered enough. I jumped up and put all my weight into stomping on his broken ribs. As he screamed, I kept going again and again until I saw the bones exposed. The weight of Stellar's death and the prospect of finally getting rid of this hideous stain of a pony grew inside me and turned into a deranged rampage.

"Click! Stop it! I know he deserves it, but get a hold of yourself!" Pearly called.

"No! He murdered Stellar! I want him to hurt!" I kept stomping and stomping for what seemed like hours but must only have been less than half a minute before I realized he was dead. Then I just started panting... all my rage was gone... no, it was as strong as ever, but without Venom, there was nothing to rage against. All there was left to do was cry.

I left the raider's body alone and walked over to Stellar's.

"What are we going to do with her?" I asked Pearly Gate.

She sighed. "I understand that it hurts, but we'll have to leave her here for now. I promise we'll give her a decent burial when this is all done with."

Her words didn't help much. I was paralyzed, completely numb.

"I'm sorry," she said, walking up to me. "Was she a good friend? A lover?"

"We never said we were anything more than friends, but she used her last moments to kiss me... Really I only knew her for a few days, but... I liked her. We connected. She was the nicest pony I've ever met." My voice cracked and I began to tear up even more. I stomped my hooves and started screaming. "Darn it! I did love her! I did! And even if we didn't wind up together, she deserved better than this! She deserved better!"

I fell to my knees and cried over her. She'd been my best friend and I'd lost her.

Pearly let me have a moment or so, then said, "Again, I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is get in the way of your mourning, but we have to get moving again. The best thing you can do for Stellar now is to avenge her by helping us to drive her killers away forever, and we're on a tight schedule. We've waited too long already."

I nodded and went to pick up my weapons. I would mourn again later, but for now, Baltimare had a huge problem, and I was going to be the one to fix it. "Alright. Come on, let's hurry."

Just then, I noticed another blue line coming at us. I immediately swiveled toward it and saw Calamity coming straight toward us. Or rather, coming straight at Pearly with his machete aimed at her neck. Pearly teleported out of the way, and I telekinetically grabbed Calamity by the tail.

“Calamity! Wait! She’s on our side!” I yelled.

Warily, Calamity calmed down and heard Pearly out. By the time she was done, he was more than ready to follow her. All that remained was tracking down the rest of the Checkmate Company.

“Prob’ly all hidin’ in classrooms,” Calamity explained. “I already came across Chess all holed up in one. It just stands to reason that if ya stay out of the fighting, you have a better chance o’ lastin’ longer. Though I wasn’t exactly about to risk those raiders getting to you guys first... I heard about Stellar...” He looked at me. "That isn't her blood is it?"

I nodded morosely. I had barely realized it, but my body was soaked in red.

"Ah'm sorry you had to go through that; Ah've watched allies die myself back when Ah was in the Enclave. Tricky was bad enough, but a pony like Stellar..."

A voice sounded over the intercom again, although this time it wasn’t Carrion’s. “Now be honest with yourself, Pearly Gate,” Canis Atrox chided. “Did you really think this little scheme of yours would go without arousing the least bit of suspicion? I gave you the benefit of the doubt about the cameras, maybe you were afraid Carrion would alert others to your position, but after you appeared alongside the blue one, I've opted not to take any chances."

“Aw, shit…” Pearly groaned.

“I’m afraid that I simply can’t risk letting this charade continue. Too bad for the Checkmate Company ponies, I had such high hopes for them. But don’t worry, all you Black Scorpions and Winksteppers who know their places, I’ll make sure you still get a nice, bloody show…”

Pearly’s face went pale. “Oh crud…” she said, “come on, we need to go! Calamity, where did you say you found that friend of yours? We need to get as many as we can, then I’ll get us all out of here!”

Calamity led us to Chess, who was hiding in the same room that Calamity had found earlier, watching the door warily. Upon seeing us, he immediately noticed Pearly Gate and approached her. "I take it you all already have a plan?"

"Yeah, just follow me!" Pearly said.

We kept running, hoping to find Bishop and Knight before the Black Scorpions found them or us. Fortunately, Knight proved easy to track... thanks to her snoring.

I could barely believe what I saw when we opened the door to her room. She had tried taking a nap between the time when she got put in her room and the time the lockdown was released, and hadn't woken up this whole time. Stellar died, and Knight was asleep!?

Chess was about to step forward and give her a rude awakening, but I decided to give her my own instead, grabbing her with my telekinesis and flipped her over, practically throwing her.

"Knight, how dare you! Stellar just got killed, and we find you asleep? You idiot!" I yelled.

"Wha-?" She looked confused.

Chess sighed furiously. "Just shut up and follow us."

The moment we left the room, I heard a noise to the left of us, and I whirled around and saw no less than five Black Scorpions armed with rifles. After our first battle, I wouldn’t normally be afraid on account of us just being better fighters, but none of us wanted to risk it with no guns or barding.

"Damn! Pearly, get us out of here!" Chess said.

"No! Bishop's still in here and I'm not losing another friend!" I yelled angrily.

"It's him or all of us!"

Our argument became a moot point. Before Pearly could do anything, the Black Scorpions all fired at us.

And hit a shield of green.

I turned around and Bishop standing in front of our group.

“Bishop!" I said, happily.

"I heard you yelling. Good thing I was so close!" he said with a small smile, but I could see from his expression that he'd heard about Stellar too.

"Great, thanks for the save. Now let's get out of here!" said Pearly quickly, rushing to teleport us.

Pearly's light flashed blindingly, and we vanished. But even though we lived, I, at least, would do so incompletely. I had taken the lives of other ponies, I had watched Tricky and Chisel fight to the death against their wills, and on top of all that, losing Stellar changed everything, ripping open the wounds left by my mother and reminding me that the world we lived in was cruel and unfair. Baltimare had been the swan song of my innocence, and it had breathed its last along with her.

(6_9)...

Footnote: Level up! Level three.

Skills Note: Firearms has reached 50%

Perk Added: Intense Training (1)- You've made a promise to Stellar that you will continue to live a long life. Your promise has given you an extra boost of willpower, raising your Endurance by 1.

Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland: With the tragic deaths of two allies weighing heavily on Click's mind, he realizes the value of his friendships and resolves to strengthen his ties to those he has left. Before things can truly return to normalcy though, he must avenge Stellar and Tricky and free Baltimare from the raiders' control. But with the mighty Canis Atrox standing in his way, does Click even have a chance?

Author's Note

This was truly a difficult chapter to write. It has gone through more revisions than all of the previous chapters combined, and I think it's pretty clear why it needed such precise, careful treatment. The sad fact is that the Wasteland is a cruel place, and while I promise that things will return to their usual lighter shade of grey, Click's adventure is not going to be all balloons and streamers. For now, please allow me to explain a few things and say a few words about the characters we lost today.

Stellar and Tricky were not always envisioned as the characters you saw them as. Originally, they were just red shirts. Some readers might have picked up on the fact that they were based off of Stella and Ricky from the Honest Hearts DLC. The reason for these would-be extras getting so much screen time (page time?) was because Baltimare was originally going to be Chapter 1. It was the first chapter written other than the prologue, but I quickly realized that it would be very non-indicative of what I had planned for most of the series, so Stable 97 and the Mole Pony adventure were literally made from scratch to start things off a bit softer. This meant I had an opportunity to develop their characters a little bit more, so that they wouldn't be completely forgettable. Unfortunately, this also means their deaths were more painful. My prereaders have taken to calling me "Murderer" and one of my editors was absolutely distraught when he read the first draft of Stellar's death (which I admit was overly brutal and did not do justice to her character, which was entirely my bad) and he convinced me to redo the whole scene into its current incarnation.

As much as part of me wanted to spare the characters, or at least Stellar, most of the fic has already been planned, and I hope you'll trust my judgment when I say that things will work out a little better this way. I also wish to say that Stellar and Tricky will not be forgotten. Stellar especially holds a special place in the Wild Wasteland world planned for her. She is Click's Uncle Ben, his Obi Wan, his Ragweed (OK, that last one's a little obscure, but actually probably the most fitting example out of the three.)

Anyway, on one final note, I'd like to point out that this is also the first chapter that has been split. Mostly, this was due to length (I promise to never go 30k in one chapter) but also I wanted to make sure that the chapter was not heavy on humor after the Legion started all their terror, so I added gap between chapters will act as a palate cleanser. The rest of the Baltimare Arc will continue in Chapter 4, and, while still somewhat dark, will contain more of the quirky humor that I feel should be prevalent in Wild Wasteland. Even if the story does have its moments of horror, and darkness, I intend to keep it mostly humorous. There's even a couple Legionnaires I have planned who I are pretty hilarious, in their own dark way.

Also, in case there is any confusion about the map references at the beginning, the map Knight found is the new official map of Equestria that was released long after this fic was planned out. While I absolutely love the fact that we're getting some more background of Equestria, I already planned every geographical facet of this fic around the Fallout Equestria map made by SilentCarto, with some personal modifications. After all, that is the version that Kkat envisioned, so I thought it was fitting.

I'd like to thank Lauren Faust, the various creators of the Fallout Universe, Hasbro (even if they did for some reason take down those Abridged Serieses >:[ ) and all of my fans, editors, and prereaders, especially our new guy, Delta, who joined us after reading chapter two. Also, one of my editors, Trivial, also wanted to say a few things.

**Editor's note: I would like to thank Click for putting up with all the hell I'd given him for the first draft of this chapter, and for taking my criticism in the spirit in which it was meant, and not given. Stellar was my favorite character and I had absolutely fallen in love with her (take that as you will) and her death hit me very hard. And I wasn't the only one on our team to feel this way. I appreciate Click's efforts to completely change her death into something meaningful, touching, and tearjerking. And so, if Stellar cannot live, then her death was... decent. Thank you Click, for your patience, your willingness to listen to your team, and your acceptance of our playful name-calling! ... You Murderer. --Trivial

Chapter 4: Uprising

Chapter 4: Uprising

"We won't take it anymore, so take your tyranny away!"

(6_9)...

Pearly Gate teleported us outside of the school to a place where one of her conspirators was waiting, who in turn took teleported us again from the School to another one of their allies, leaving Pearly behind. This process was repeated twice more, until we finally found ourselves in a dimly-lit wine cellar, just as Pearly Gate had told us. I almost complained about the way Pearly had been left behind, but the Winkstepper who had teleported us here reassured us that she would be safe, and the fewer ponies they brought with them, the less they had to stretch their magic. From the way the multiple teleportations had left us all slightly burned, I realized they definitely had a point.

The Winkstepper who teleported us here was a blue stallion with a strange round scribble for a cutie mark. The ellipses came up on my EFS again as I began to ponder just what that mark could have possibly meant.

"Well, now that we're here..." said the Winkstepper, "I suppose the first thing I should say is just how sorry I am that you guys all got tied up in this. I know that you've lost at least a couple friends here and earlier some of my people were forced to attack you. I can't blame you for any of them who died in the process, but please know that they acted out of fear and desperation. Only the Black Scorpions would have attacked you willingly."

I shuddered, suddenly feeling worse than ever. I hadn't had time to think about it with all the chaos, but I realized that in the fight earlier I had killed innocent ponies. I tried to hide it, but a couple more tears escaped my eyes. I knew from my mother's death that someday I would be able to look back on mine and Stellar's friendship happily and forget the pain of losing her, but to have taken an innocent life was a stain that wouldn't wash out that easily. The fact that I had only killed them while ignorant of their plight was no consolation.

"Anyway," continued the Winkstepper, "My name is Secret Door, and this wine cellar is one of our safehouses. My special talent is concealing entrances, and hiding the door to this place was one of my best jobs, so just as long as nopony tries to leave and exposes the door, you guys will be completely safe. As soon as we get a safe opportunity, we will gladly teleport you to a safe distance away from here. It may be a while, perhaps days, though, since they will certainly be searching for you right now.

"However, and I know that this is a lot to ask, we may need your help. We've seen you all fight, and I've even heard an estimation that you defeated twenty-five of your attackers, and most of those were Black Scorpions who were seasoned fighters not held back by their consciences. I don't know what it is, but something about your group seems to be special somehow. I understand if you say no, but, if you'd be willing to help us overthrow Canis Atrox, we shall be eternally grateful."

That got my attention. Venom may have been the one who killed her, but as far as I was concerned, every raider in Baltimare bore the guilt of Stellar's death, especially the Legionnaires.

"I'll let you all think it over for a bit," Secret Door finished. "Either way, we still have to wait at least several hours before you can go, if not days. If you need anything, just ask and we can get it for you, and we have healing potions if any of you need them, but again, please don't try to leave this cellar."

"Of course. Thank you so much for saving us," said Chess. "For now, I think we need some time to clear our heads."

He was exactly right, at least in my case. I helped myself to a healing potion and wandered off at the first opportunity. The wine cellar was pretty big, having four large sections, each with several shelves of wine. This arrangement allowed for a little bit of privacy, so I had room to be somewhat alone with my thoughts. I went to the most secluded area I could find and just laid down in a corner. There were still small rivulets of tears, but they had definitely slowed. I'd already decided that I would help the Winksteppers get rid of the raiders, that much was set in stone. Even though Stellar told me to survive, I wasn't going to be a coward and let the Legion and Black Scorpions get away with their crimes either. I was positive that Calamity would help too, and I knew that Chess still needed the statue back, so it was likely that he'd also be in. Knight would probably join in just for fun of fighting. The only one I was uncertain about was Bishop. He was nice, certainly, but I didn't really know enough about him to say for sure whether he would stay and fight, or run to safety.

Wait... It just occurred to me that I really didn't know Bishop well enough to predict that. I thought back to my past few days with him and the others: I'd chatted a bit with him and Calamity, but most of my time was spent reading my books, and when I did talk, Steller got most of it.

I heard somepony walking by, and looked up to see Bishop himself peeking around the corner. Speak of the devil... or, think of the devil... or, really, Bishop isn't really that devilish, so...

Whatever, point is, it's a coincidence.

"Hey, Click? Are you OK?" he asked.

"Yeah... Well, no. Stellar's gone."

"I heard. I'm sorry. You two seemed close," he gingerly took a few steps toward me, and laid down at my side.

"We were. I have no idea what to do now knowing that I'll never see her again."

He put a hoof on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Click. I liked her too. If there's anything you wanna talk about, I'm here for you."

A dark thought entered my mind. "But how long are you going to be here for me? What happened to Stellar, that could have been any of us. I realized too late that I had a crush on her, but I didn't spend enough time with her to let that develop. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I could lose anyone at any time, and I wanna make sure my relationship with them was meaningful. I wanna make sure that I really get to know all my friends, in case the worst ends up happening, so... um..." I racked my brain for something to say to him. "What's your favorite color?"

Did I just say that? What the fudge, was that supposed to be conversation? I'm not the most outgoing guy out there, but even I know that sucked!

Bishop chuckled a bit. "Yellow. It seems kinda warm and happy. Yours?"

"Blue," I said with a blush. "And yes, it is for the reason you're thinking."

Bishop laughed heartily. "It's fine. When I was younger, mine was green, cause of my mane. What about your past? What was it like for you growing up?" I got the feeling that he knew a little better than me about banter.

"Well, I don't know much about the first couple years of my life, except that I was born in a hotel with the help of some traveling doctor, and that my family moved around a lot, since my parents were traveling merchants specializing in repair. When I was about four, after my sister Pulse was born, we settled in a place called Macomtois. It had a library, and I ended up learning that I really enjoyed reading."

"Oh. Well, that explains why you were so into those books you found. Is that your special talent or something? I mean, your cutie mark kinda looks like a stapler, but..."

I chuckled as I looked back at the little picture adorning my rump. "Actually, my special talent is communication. I'm good with both communication technology and communication based spells. As for my cutie mark, it's a telegraph device. It has nothing to do with reading, but I did end up reading about it. It's a piece of pre-apocalypse tech that let ponies talk to each other from all the way across Equestria. The telephone came soon after and made it pretty much obsolete, but only after building on what the telegraph already did. Just imagine, talking to anyone, anywhere. But since the apocalypse, only ponies who are really rich or really lucky have them. I had this grandiose idea that maybe someday I could get a telegraph or telephone system up again... That was just silly, of course, raiders would sabotage it in a second, but it's what got me interested in communication technology. I spent most of my time in New Appleloosa fixing radios, so everypony there could hear DJ Pon3, since that's the next best thing to telephones. It kinda got repetitive after a while though, so when I heard Chess offering a job as a guard... Well, you were there for the rest."

"I see. How'd you get to New Appleloosa anyway? What happened to Macomtois?"

"Well, a few years later, shortly after my second sister, Spark, was born, we... well... Our family would occasionally travel to nearby settlements to sell things and do repairs there. One day, Mom and Dad decided to take me with them, leaving Spark and Pulse with a babysitter. Everything went just fine, until our way back, we were attacked by raiders, and my Mom got killed."

"Oh... I'm so sorry."

"Yeah. Some guards from Macomtois ended up seeing it happen through binoculars and came to help, but it was already too late for her." I had thought my tears were already dried up, but it turned out I still had some left, which passed down my face without comment. "After a couple months, we realized that it just hurt too much to stay there. There wasn't a place we could go in town without seeing her face and remembering that she was gone. Not only that, but the town itself was slowly dying too from lack of trade, so one day we decided that we needed a change of scenery. We lived nomadically again for about half a year before finding New Appleloosa, and deciding that the place was nice enough to stay in permanently.

"Hmm... Y'know, I know, back to talking about your special talent, one of the first things Chess did when he was building the Checkmate Company was get his hooves on some walkie-talkies and transmitters. I'd say we have one of the best communication networks in Equestria. If you ever want to have a look at that, I'm sure Chess would appreciate it."

My eyes lit up. That was definitely something to talk to Chess about once this was all over and done with. Regardless,
that was something for later, Bishop was in the here and now.

"What about your past? And where'd you get those stars?" I asked.

"That's actually a pretty cool story. One day, my family met this traveling magician. The things he did, they were the most amazing things I'd ever seen. He didn't just do the 'pull a rabbit out of a hat' and 'saw a pony in half' bits, he did stuff that was really amazing. He summoned a storm cloud and tied its lightning in a knot, he made a pile of rocks take the shape of a pony and start dancing, I could go on for hours about it. But towards the end of his act, he claimed that he knew a trick that would allow him to cast a spell using another unicorn's horn as a conduit for his magic. This way, he could make even a child appear to cast complex spells like the one he did. Of course, he needed a foal volunteer, and it just so happened that I was the only one in the audience. He called me up onstage, sent a charge of magical energy at my horn and, well... Have you ever heard of what's called a 'magical epiphany?'"

"Yeah, that's when a unicorn foal with a special talent for spellcasting unleashes a ton of magic for the first time."

"Well, as it turned out, I had magic as my special talent, and having all that magician's magic flow through my horn accidentally triggered my epiphany. Whatever spell the magician was trying to cast through me was lost among all the spells I unleashed at once. The magician's cape came to life, a nearby bloatsprite turned into a pure, clean parasprite, a lot of well armed ponies became very wealthy when their lead bullets turned into gold, and I myself ended up covered in little green stars."

I whistled at what I could see was a very impressive feat.

"Yup. The magician was pretty happy, seeing as I'd given his act one heck of a finale, and when he explained what had happened, my parents couldn't have been more proud. Anyway, afterwards the magician was using his own magic to get all the stars off my fur, when he realized that there were a few left on my flank that he just couldn't get rid of..." He wiggled his rear proudly.

"That's one amazing cutie mark story. I just read about telegraphs, and when I put the book down it was there."

"Yeah, mine does make for a funny story... but, like you, I had a bit of a tragedy with my family..."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that..."

"Yeah, unfortunately a bit of sadness in life isn't exactly uncommon for a Wastelander. You wouldn't believe me if I told you what happened though."

"Maybe the mole ponies would be more credulous," I said, hoping my joke wouldn't be perceived as insensitivity. Honestly, after them I would have believed anything he told me.

Bishop snorted a bit and gave a melancholy smile. "OK, I guess by comparison it's pretty believable." He sighed. "The magician and my family decided to travel together after that. He needed assistants for his act, and I needed someone to help me hone my magical skills. For the next two years I was the magician's apprentice, and it was the happiest time of my life. Then one day, all at once it was ruined, for what seems like no reason at all."

"What happened?"

He looked at me and shrugged. "We were attacked by a monster. Just out of the blue, this twisted abomination of nature just ran up and attacked us during an act. It was terrible..." Bishop began to shake. "I don't quite know how to describe it. At least part of it was cybernetic, I think, and it somehow was able to make fire. It was bigger than a hellhound, and it just kept roaring and screaming, and killing everyone in sight. I-I saw it kill my dad... The monster pointed his arm at him and he... he just burst into flames..."

I moved closer and hugged him. I knew what it was like watch a parent get killed, but at least when I saw my mom die I was helping her fight, and was armed myself. Bishop had to have felt helpless.

Bishop hugged my back and cried a little into my shoulder. "My mentor teleported me away with a spell, so I escaped, but I still saw the pillar of smoke from our stage in the distance and I ran back. When I got there, all I found was wreckage and skeletons... Everyone and everything was burned..."

Once again my eyes proved to have quite a deep store of tears as I started to cry for him too. Against what happened to him, I was actually lucky by comparison. "That's just... terrible... How did you survive afterwards?"

He sniffed. "Well, one family of spectators actually got away from the monster and when it was gone they came back to loot the scene. They meant no disrespect, of course, but they were poor and it would have been stupid to waste any resources they could scavenge. When they found me, they took me in and raised me until I was old enough to live on my own. They were earth ponies, unfortunately, so that meant they couldn't teach me any more magic, but some of my mentor's spellbooks survived the fire, and I learned what I could from those."

"Well, I'm glad they were there for you, at least."

He broke the hug and brushed away his tears with a foreleg. "Yeah, I really dodged a bullet with them. They were part of a kind of gang, not the violent type of course, although there were a few pickpockets among them, and we all kinda lived together as one big family. They taught me how to live off the land and keep out of sight of raiders and whatnot. Anyway, I lived with them until I was nineteen, and a couple years back I met Chess and he told me about how he had this scheme to built a huge moneymaking wasteland conglomerate, and I decided I'd join in and hopefully make some money. So far it's paid off." He blushed a bit, "Anyway, sorry about that... I meant to come cheer you up, and here I am emptying my emotional baggage on you too."

"No, don't worry about that. This world is hard on us, so we gotta be there for each other." I gave him another big, tight hug, and he gleefully returned it.

Just then Knight came around the corner and completely ruined the moment. "Hey homos! Enough with the snugglefest and come out here, Chess wants you!

We let go and blushed, even thought we knew it was just a man hug, a platonic gesture of bromance. Nothing gay about it. We followed Knight out to meet Chess, all the while thinking about guns and hoofball and mares. Especially mares. You know, manly, heterosexual guy stuff!

When we got out there, everypony else was already gathered around Chess. He looked between us all, his face somber. “Team, to say that our plans have gone wrong would be a gross understatement. Two of our number have been killed, one kidnapped, and now it seems that we’re being asked to risk our lives again in order to rescue the Winksteppers. I think now would be a good time to discuss our options. I think we should tell the Winksteppers to simply teleport us out of Baltimare, rather than put ourselves at further risk.”

"What? No!" I yelled. "Those raiders murdered Stellar, and we have to make sure they never harm another pony again!"

“Yeah, Chess! Are you sayin’ we should jus’ leave Pearly Gate and the others hangin’? After they rescued us?” Calamity said indignantly.

“No, no, let me finish,” Chess said firmly. “If we convinced them to let us go, we could go out and get help from some other ponies and then come back with greater numbers, such as bounty hunters and other members of the Checkmate Company, which would maximize our chances for success."

Oh, well, that actually was a pretty good reason to leave.

"Besides, I’d never consider leaving this place under raider control, since it’s one of the few routes between the north and south of Equestria," Chess explained. "The Checkmate Company does business on both sides, so losing control of it would be a major blow to us, not to mention Equestria at large. Besides, we still need to steal our statue back, and restoring the Winksteppers to power will give the Checkmate Company some great publicity.”

“Yeah, but starting a full on war here might not be the best idea,” said Knight, grabbing an old wine bottle and taking a huge swig of it. “The Winksteppers made Baltimare so other ponies would have a hard time getting in, right? Even if we brought in a shit-ton of well armed ponies, that wall would still keep all of our ground based fighters out of the battle until we broke it down. Even if there's a hole somewhere that the Black Scorpions used, we'd still probably be bottlenecked as we tried to enter. Besides, the rebels’ plan is to take down Canis so that the other Winksteppers would be more willing to fight back, so we already kinda have an army here. Sure, if the Winksteppers see an outside force attacking they’ll probably rebel even if Canis is still alive, but if I was Canis, I’d be pretty pissed off at the Winksteppers right now for helping us escape. He treats 'em like shit, and after Pearly Gate’s stunt it’ll be even worse. By the time we leave and then get back, it’s not likely that there’ll be enough ponies in here who could still fight, either from being killed or having the urge to rebel beaten out of them.”

Wow... Where the fudge did that come from? That could not be the same Knight who was stupid enough sleep through a gladiatorial fight to the death! I guess Bishop was telling the truth when he said she was good at combat. Cripes, but that was a big leap from her normal self though.

When she was done, Bishop added his own two bits. “Well, I’m not as good at combat strategy as Knight is, but the alternative to attacking from the outside would be just the five of us and a few Winksteppers attacking Canis. He will probably have bodyguards now that he knows there’s a rebellion, even when he’s at his most vulnerable. Besides, Canis isn’t just your average raider. If what the Winksteppers told us about him is true, he’ll easily be a match for us, even if we catch him off guard. If you think going straight for Canis will be a good idea, then I'm all for it. Really, I could go either way, but this is a very delicate situation, and I think we should consider every possible option."

I decided it was my turn to step in again. “What about the Winksteppers? If Knight is right, Canis might kill a lot of them once we leave. I don’t feel right leaving them with that sicko while we try to gather reinforcements. Together, we were supposed to have taken down twenty ponies. Pearly Gate said Canis did thirty, but I think if we have Winkstepper support, take him by surprise, and also bring Bishop’s magic into play, we might have a chance.”

“Ah’m with Click, the sooner Canis goes down the better,” Calamity seconded.

After thinking about it for a minute or two, Chess spoke up. “The best situation is whichever one leaves the Winksteppers powerful and in control of Baltimare again. If we wait and Canis starts whittling them down with his tyranny, or even worse, starts slaughtering them as punishment for our escape, then even after Canis is deposed, more raiders can just come in and take over again. Since Baltimare is such an important trade route, I cannot allow that to happen. As soon as the Winksteppers give us an opportunity, we take Canis down and then help them drive out every last Black Scorpion from Baltimare.”

Calamity and I looked at each other and smiled. Granted, it was disturbing that Chess seemed more focused on protecting Baltimare than he was on protecting its inhabitants, but if that’s what it took to convince him, then that was fine by us.

Chess nodded. "Alright. Let's just get a little bit of information about the situation then, before we commit completely. Secret Door!" he called.

The Winkstepper flashed to our side in a second. "Yes, sir?"

"If we're going to help you, we need to know exactly what we're dealing with, and what we can expect from your people as allies."

"Oh, of course. Well, the Black Scorpions are just run of the mill raiders really. The main issue is their leaders, the Legion. Carrion probably won't be much of an issue, even if she is worse than a normal raider. We know she somehow wormed her way into the Black Scorpions and took over as their leader months ago, but under her they were never a threat. I doubt Carrion herself could turn the tide of battle. Canis is the real kingpin of their army. He's a telekinetic genius, and, as you've probably seen, incredibly lethal with his hellhound claws. He apparently disabled thirty of our warriors, so he's definitely nothing to sneeze at. There is one other thing though... a few of the raiders, not sure who or how many, can..." he looked rather nervous, "teleport."

"What!?" Chess asked, aghast. Raiders were bad enough without the ability to jump around like Winksteppers.

"Only a few, and not very well," he clarified. "You see, the raiders have our children... They got a few of the parents and said that they had to teach them teleportation or..."

Bishop looked at him sympathetically, "They did what they had to, and as a unicorn, I know that there's no way a very big number of them learned it right. Even I can't pull off teleportation."

"I know. But that brings me to the Winksteppers, and how we can help you. Nearly all our unicorns can teleport, and everyone who goes with you will be able to. Normally we don't even let our earth ponies fight except as snipers, because our signature fighting style revolves around teleporting. The only reason you had some in the group you fought was because Canis has been forcing everyone to be part of his army. He believes that if you can't survive a fight, you don't deserve to live anyway."

I literally felt my emotions boil and bubble inside me. Obviously none of this was his fault, but I honestly wished he would just stop talking until I had a raider to hit. Right now he was just reminding me of all this anger and not giving me anyone to throw it at.

"Our main advantage is that we can be on Canis in an instant and he'll have no way to expect it," Secret Door continued, "the very second we see an opening, we'll come and get you. We've been saving our best teleporters for this, guys who can combine their spells together and teleport a dozen ponies from here to anywhere in Baltimare. Once he's dead, however, we'll try to get you back out as soon as possible. You guys do need to be prepared to fight your way out though, in case things go bad. No matter what precautions we take, this will be very risky."

"We understand," Chess insisted with a nod. "Knight, Bishop, and I have downed more than our share of raiders with just the three of us. Once Canis is gone, we can do it easily with your help, I'm sure."

We spent the rest of the day waiting and getting ready for our assault. We had no idea when it would happen, only that it was inevitable. The Winksteppers tended to our every need; bringing food and water, explaining details on the raiders' equipment, even bringing in a washtub for us to bathe in. Normally a couple days or even weeks without bathing was nothing unusual, but I was covered in blood from the School... mostly Stellar's.

No matter what else we did that day, her fresh loss was always somewhere in my mind. When we weren't getting ready or preparing battle plans, I was talking with the others, mainly Bishop and Calamity. It was a dark thought, but I didn't want to waste any time with them in case anyone died. Now that I knew I would never see her again, she seemed almost enigmatic. Before, I thought I had all the time in the world to get to know her. Now I hated myself for following such a notion.

The team that was going to be helping us in the fight spent a lot of time in the wine cellar with us, occasionally teleporting outside to make an appearance around town so they weren't suspiciously absent, as well as to report on what the other Winksteppers were enduring. Knight had been right about Canis's reaction to our escape. He wasn't wantonly killing them, but at one point one of the Winksteppers came back to us with four deep cuts across his face, and apparently there had been at least a couple deaths. Apparently, there were only three Winksteppers skilled enough to use the combined spell, which was referred to as "Matrix Casting." I was rather nervous about that, as that meant if even one of them was killed, we'd lose our escape.

On the plus side, they made sure we were well armed. They'd managed to collect one healing potion and suit of armor for each of us, and an abundance of weapons. I still had my machetes, which I'd grown rather attached to, and everypony else decided to let me have theirs as well so I could combine them all into two excellent ones. Other than that, I ended up going with a pair of 10 mm pistols and some leather armor. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly as good as my Dad's homemade armor, which was ironic because my Dad's used much less material. While that did speak wonders of my Dad's ability, it didn't help much when his armor was probably being worn by a raider right about now. Even worse was the step down in firepower, as the Black Scorpions had taken all the good weapons for themselves, leaving us with nothing but small caliber pistols, varmint rifles, and mere kitchen knives. There was one area where we excelled, however: the rebels had gotten their hands on a truckload of dynamite. They were able to give us each plenty of dynamite and lighters, which, I have to say, I was kinda looking forward to using.

At night, the Winksteppers brought in a pair of air mattresses and blankets, which was all the bedding they could safely sneak in. Bishop and I ended up sharing a mattress, as did Chess and Calamity, with Knight left on the floor rolled up in some blankets.

"Why do I have to sleep on the floor?" she'd complained.

"Because ideally we want as many ponies on the beds as possible, and nopony wants to share a bed with you because it also means sharing one with whatever those things are that we can see crawling around in your fur," Chess replied bluntly.

She grunted in annoyance, but decided to take her frustration out on a bug, stamping it the second it crawled out of her coat and onto the floor.

*** *** ***

The next day went by much the same as the first, mostly just waiting, talking, and mental preparation for the attack. We went to sleep early, as the Winksteppers guessed that Canis would probably be most vulnerable when he was asleep.

Surprisingly, our chance to attack came on that very night. At a little after midnight, A bright light flashed throughout the room, courtesy of Secret Door. It was a rude awakening, but the shock of it ensured that we were wide awake. Secret Door quickly explained that Canis was in his private dwelling space (a pre-apocalypse hotel that the Winksteppers had been using as a sort of City Hall due to its large meeting room), and was probably asleep, albeit with bodyguards. One of the Winksteppers had had to secretly spy on him to get this info, as Canis had wisely begun to surround himself only with Black Scorpions.

We got up and got dressed and armed as soon as our eyes opened. As serious as the situation was, we didn't want to waste a second.

“Alright, guys, are you ready for this?” Secret Door asked, looking to each of us. Chess, Knight, Bishop, Calamity, me, and eight Winksteppers were the most that the matrix casters could do. Lucky thirteen.

“Dang right I am!” I said, acting more confident than I was. I knew that this needed to be done, and we definitely had a chance, but I still said a silent prayer for my safety. I knew very well that I was the one with the least experience here, and Stellar had died even though she probably had police training.

Just before the matrix caters tried to take us away, Bishop held up his hoof to stop them and pulled me aside.

"What is it?" I asked.

“Well, I just wanted to tell you that you don't have to go through with this," he said, nervously. "I mean, you said this was your first week out here, and even though I've got a good couple years of experience on you, I'm still scared. You can totally sit this one out. Nopony will think any less of you."

I smiled and nodded. He wasn't trying to discourage me, he was sincerely afraid for me. “I know it's dangerous. But if it means putting down Canis Atrox, I would rather fight and die than not do my part.”

He smiled and gave me a quick hug. "Well, it's a good thing we're going to win this then."

"Yeah," added Knight. "And it's a good thing you're going, 'cuz I don't care what Bishop says, I would have thought way less of you if you pussed out."

Chess glared at her and bonked her on the head. (Wow, her head really did sound hollow!)

Seeing that we were all prepared, the three matrix casters united their spell, and we vanished.

*** *** ***

In a flash of light, we appeared in Canis’ bedroom. Just as it had with us, the light woke Canis instantly. In the second it took for us to get him in our sights, he had leapt out of bed (he had been sleeping in his metal armor!) and was swinging his claws at us. One set of talons impaled a Winkstepper through the chest while another one cleaved one of their heads clean off and clipped Secret Door's left cheek. We were able to score a few grazing shots on him, but before we did anything substantial, Canis vanished in a flash of light, and a would-be kill shot from Calamity embedded itself in the wall behind where he had stood.

We failed. It was such a simple plan, so few things to go wrong, but almost the very instant we started, we failed. Canis learning teleportation hadn't been in the plan.

The worst part though, was when I saw the severed head of one of the slain Winksteppers: It was Sliding Glass, one of the matrix casters who we needed in order to get back out.

Before we could even grasp the fact that we were trapped, the door behind us opened and a pair of Black Scorpions burst in, guns blazing. They managed to wound two Winksteppers before Bishop put up his shield.

I looked toward the open door through the shield’s green veil, and saw Canis Atrox, smiling haughtily despite his wounds. I noticed, however, that his teleportation spell wasn't done properly: the tips of his fur and mane were singed black.

"So, was that really how you expected to depose me? I suppose I'll have to be a little bit firmer in disciplining the Winksteppers from now on. Perhaps through starvation? Decimation? I suppose I'll figure it out once I'm rid of you..."

His horn glowed, and his claws, which he had left in the room, began attacking us from behind the shield, each slashing through a different Winkstepper. Before they could do any more damage, I entered SATS. I set up a pistol shot at each of the claws. It was a difficult shot, but at about 40% each, but it was better than nothing. Both attacks, thank the goddesses, knocking them out of Canis’s magic grip. I grabbed them myself and turned to see Canis absolutely stunned. I couldn’t help but smile.

His horn glowed again, and suddenly I was hit from behind with a lamp that had been sitting on a table on the far side of the room. My entire party, in fact, was suddenly attacked by tons of various junk controlled by Canis! Calamity got hit with the lid of an old metal box, Chess got bombarded with a couple of strange, bipedal shaped dolls, similar to the ones I saw in Glitterdust's room, and Secret Door staggered as a glass cup shattered against his head. An old ruined book smacked Bishop in the face and his shield imploded, leaving us open. My heart seemed to stop as I saw the Black Scorpions (a crowd of them was developing by the door) all aiming at us, but Bishop regained his presence of mind quick enough that he was able to cast a disorientation spell over the entire enemy group. We had them right where we wanted them! We began mowing them down with gunshots, but what really hit them hard was when Secret Door lobbed a stick of dynamite at them, shouting at Bishop to start the shield again. Most of the Scorpions regained their faculties just in time to be blown apart. It was almost funny the way some of the ones in front were thrown against Bishop’s shield, flattening cartoonishly before sliding down.

Bishop then dropped the shield so we could assess the damage we did, only to see Canis, crippled, dazed, and bruised, but alive on the other side of the hall. Only his armor had saved him. Calamity would have finished him off, but at the last second the fiend teleported away again.

“He burned himself just traveling a few feet! He can’t have gone far! Search for him!” Chess shouted.

Another voice from down the hall called out mockingly, “The only thing you ponies should be searching for is some seasonings to roll in. Might as well get ready for me!” We turned toward the voice to see Carrion and a large group of Black Scorpions all aiming their guns at us. The only one without a gun was Carrion, who was wearing a set of power hooves. In one of her forelegs, she held what looked like somepony’s yellow foreleg that she had been chewing on.

I suddenly realized why we hadn't seen Pearly Gate since the school.

“What did you do to Pearly Gate?” I yelled at her.

“Oh, her? Don’t worry, she’s alive, it’s just that…” she took a bite of the leg, “we asked her to give us a helping hoof in finding the rest of you rebels. When she wouldn’t, I decided to take one anyway.”

"You sick freak!"

Bishop put up another shield, but when Carrion’s troops began charging us and attacking it, I could see it begin to waver. Eventually, they would break through, and I noticed that Bishop was looking exhausted. All those spells one after another must have been seriously draining him.

I decided to take a page from Canis’ book and have some telekinetic fun with them. As Carrion was casually chewing on a bite of Pearly Gate’s leg, I grasped Pearly’s hoof and manipulated it to smack Carrion right in the side of her head, making her bite her tongue in surprise (not a fun thing with those sharp metal teeth!)

Spitting out a chunk of leg meat and the tip of her own bloody tongue, Carrion began to freak out, screaming something about a ‘zombie leg.’ Then I grabbed Carrion herself. She was fat and covered in metal, so she was at about the top of my weight limit, but to me that just made me think of her as a big wrecking ball. I swung her around, sending the Scorpions into chaos! Soon the Scorpions were more worried about the flying Legionnaire flailing her power hooves around than they were about keeping their weapons on us, which was just what I wanted. Bishop saw it too and dropped the shield again just long enough for the Winksteppers to toss in several more sticks of dynamite. Before Carrion could say "Oh shit!" (literally, she was cut off halfway through saying it) the whole hallway turned into a screaming field of blood and lost limbs. Only a few raiders survived the attack, including Carrion, who ran off around a corner while we finished the others off with our guns.

“Damn, Click. And all this time I thought I was the killing machine,” Knight said, almost sounding a little jealous.

I noticed that down the hallway that Carrion and her gang came from, there was a trail of dripping blood. Undoubtedly it came from Pearly’s leg. “Come on guys, she said Pearly Gate was still alive, we have to rescue her!” I said.

"Alright, but Ah'm gonna take out that Legion mare 'fore she gets away," Calamity insisted.

"We can split up," said Chess, "Take these three Winksteppers and Knight with you, in case Pearly's guarded. But hurry back and find us once you know she's safe."

"Thanks. Save some raiders for me," I said before taking off.

The blood trail led to a another hotel room, and I bucked the door open the second I got there. Lying in the middle of the room, lying motionless on a blood-soaked bed, was Pearly Gate, an ugly, bloody tumor where her right foreleg used to be.

“Pearly!” I shouted once I got inside and saw what had happened to her. The Winksteppers were the next ones in and they were even more concerned than me.

Pearly was barely conscious. “G-guys?” she groaned, sitting up. I could barely look at her face it was so hideously swollen and bruised. I hated myself for thinking that, but it was really that bad.

“What happened to your leg?” asked one of the Winksteppers, rushing up to give her a healing potion.

She wiggled the bloated stump that used to be her leg. “It’s what happens when you use hydra on a missing limb. The stuff already carries the risk of causing tumors, but like this it’s a certainty. It stops you from bleeding out at least; kind of a double edged sword. Cruel mercy is a virtue in the Legion, right up there with murder and rape.”

“They didn’t…”

“No. Carrion wanted all the fun, and she gets her kicks out of cannibalism, not that it makes things much better…” she looked at what used to be her leg, tears falling down her bloodied cheeks. Changing the subject, she said “I heard explosions, what’s going on out there?”

“Carrion and Canis are wounded and on the run,” I explained. “Chess and some of the others are finishing off Carrion. We're going to go out and find Canis as soon as we make sure you're safe.

“That's good...” Pearly couldn’t stay conscious any longer, and I had to catch her telekinetically to stop her from falling back. The one that had given her the potion teleported her away, presumably back to the wine cellar.

Once we left the room, I noticed a window just a little down the hall and had an idea. Running up to the window, I cast a voice augmentation spell to make myself as loud as I ever had before and yelled “Canis Atrox and Carrion are dead! The Black Scorpions are nothing now!” I reiterated the message a few times, making sure everypony in Baltimare heard it.

Once everyone’s ears stopped ringing, Knight came to me and asked, “What was that for? They're still alive.”

“But they don’t know that…” Secret Door realized. “Besides, Canis is severely wounded anyway, so there’s not much he can do to stop them if the Winksteppers revolt now, and this way, the Black Scorpions' forces are divided, half defending Canis, and half fighting the Winksteppers. Not a bad trick, Click, not bad at all.” Sure enough, off in the distance we started to hear gunshots, which very rapidly began to increase in frequency. At this rate, the Black Scorpions would be gone before morning.

Then, from inside the building, we heard something much less comforting than gunshots and rebellion...

Wait, that came out weird.

Carrion's voice burst from the PA system. It wasn't loud enough to reach outside the hotel of course, but "What! Fuck-dammit! I'm alive! Now go and make it so that blue asshole can't say the same! I think he's on the fourth floor! Everypony on floors three and four, get him! Floors two and one, I'm going to the basement, so get the Hell down there and back me up!"

After her order, it wasn't long before a few Black Scorpions found us and began shooting. They didn’t get any mortal wounds on us before we filled them with holes, but it was a vivid reminder that there was still a war on, and we still had to find Canis Atrox.

We ran back toward where Chess' group had gone, only to be cut off by a flood of more Scorpions. I Entered SATS. and shot one several times in the chest, then wedged one of my machetes in another one's neck when he got too close. Again and again they fell, but they wore down on us. One of them got a lucky shot and blasted a Winkstepper's leg clean off at the knee, killing him. Just when we thought we couldn't handle it for any longer, the flow of Scorpions finally stopped.

I knew this was neither the time, nor the place, but I let myself collapse and lay down. I just needed a minute. I pulled out my healing potion and drank it. My adrenaline was beginning to wear off and the holes in my flesh began to burn. I'd never felt such pain. Only the thought of more Black Scorpions hearing us and coming to attack stopped me from screaming. Even with the healing potion, I had to clench my teeth in agony. Other than the dead Winkstepper, I got the worst of the damage, but Knight and Secret Door were still bad off enough to warrant drinking their potions too.

Secret Door went to the other fallen Winkstepper. "Hatch... I'm sorry..." He closed his ally's eyes, then took his healing potion. "Here Click, I think you still need this."

I took the potion eagerly, and drank it down. In practically an instant my body is healed almost completely. "Thank you. But I'm sorry about Hatch..."

Secret Door nodded, teary eyed. "We all knew the risks. Come on, we need to get moving. We waited too long as it is.

We all got up to go, right as we started moving, a spray from an assault rifle came at us. Most of the bullets misses, thankfully, but one of them tore into Secret Door's right eye, sending him falling to the ground, screaming.

"Secret!" I yelled.

We turned and looked down the hallway and saw a Black Scorpion mare, a unicorn. I drew a pistol and entered SATS, but it ran out of ammo just a little too soon, and even then most of the bullets were absorbed by her rather familiar looking armor.

“Hey! That’s my gear!” Knight yelled accusingly.

The Scorpion couldn’t care less. Instead, she simply cast a spell, and suddenly we were elsewhere.

*** *** ***

{{Bishop}}

Click's team went down the hallway, a trail of his Pearly Gate's blood leading their way. I wished I could have gone with him instead, but we had no time to argue it.

While Click had Pearly's blood to lead him, Carrion made our pursuit just as easy with her loud, clanky power hooves announcing her presence like trumpets. It wasn't long before we caught up to her and saw her jump through a door. There was the earsplitting sound of metal scraping against metal, then the sound of power hooves detonating coupled with a meaty burst.

We hurried to the door and saw that it led to an old elevator shaft, but the elevator itself had been replaced with a simple metal ladder. We looked down and saw the red splatter left by somepony who had been unfortunate enough to be climbing up the ladder while Carrion descended and had wound up right under the power hooves on her hind legs.

"Er, sorry!" She said to another pair of horrified, blood-soaked raiders standing nearby. "They're coming! Kill them!"

"But... but he owed me ten caps..." Sniffed one of the raiders, pointing to a bloody chunk of her fallen ally.

"I'll pay you double if you kill those ponies!" Carrion yelled before taking off.

The two raiders looked up and saw us starting to climb down, Calamity hovering beside and covering us. They each pulled out a couple of guns and tried shooting us, but Calamity shot them both dead before they could get a shot, allowing us to get to the ground floor unimpeded.

Calamity was naturally down first, and he immediately had his hooves full fending off no less than ten raiders. Once I was down, I put up a shield until the others reached as well, probably the last one for a while if I didn't wanna burn myself out. There was a hallway running to either side of us, but fortunately there were only raiders coming from one direction, and were clustering around the shield at perfect dynamiting distance. "Guys, I'm gonna drop the shield, you know what to do." The second it went down, five sticks of dynamite flew out over half of the Black Scorpions apart. The rest were no match for our guns.

We began running the way that the Scorpions were guarding, when suddenly an unbelievably loud voice came out of nowhere and nearly blasted our eardrums out. “Canis atrox and Carrion are dead! The Black Scorpions are nothing now!”

Wait, was that Click?

Carrion's voice blasted over the hotel intercom. "What! Fuck-dammit! I'm alive! Now go and make it so that that blue asshole can't say the same! I think he's on the fourth floor. So everypony on floors three and four, get him! Floors two and one, I'm going to the basement, so get the Hell down there and back me up!"

"Heh. She just gave herself away," said Chess.

"The basement is on the other side of the hotel from here, come on!" One of the Winksteppers said, leading the way.

We galloped after him, frequently meeting Black Scorpions. I may not have had enough magic left for a shield, but a knife through the neck or a gunshot? I was more than capable of that much. Between the six of us, we got through easily with minimal damage. As we went through, we heard gunshots, but most of them sounded like they were from outside. From the looks of it, most of the raiders had ignored Carrion in favor of fighting the Winksteppers outside.

We soon came to a door marked "Employees Only," which led to a staircase dotted with mines. One of the Winksteppers with an explosion for a cutie mark told us to stand back, and he levitated them all off the ground and behind us, making a simple barrier against any raiders following us. With the mines out of the way, we cautiously trotted downstairs, knowing that Carrion was probably lying in wait for us.

The basement consisted of a single large, dark room, filled with a maze of miscellaneous garbage. We took a few cautious steps in, the unicorns using light spells and Chess lighting up his Pipbuck. We couldn't see anyone in here though, even when we looked throughout all the junk. The entire room was empty.

"What the-? She said she was coming down here..." one of the Winksteppers said.

"We gotta get outta here, it's probably a trap," Calamity said, turning for the stairway.

He took two steps and was somehow thrown across the room. The only clue was the sound of power hooves that seemed to come from nowhere.

"Calamity!" I shouted.

I heard Carrion's mocking laughter echo throughout the room. Calamity was on his hooves again in a second and quickly hovered above the reach of any power hooves, but we still couldn't see where she'd come from.

Utterly confused, I couldn't help but ask “Why can’t we see you?”

“Heh heh. It’s a Zebra Stealth Cloak," she gloated. I'd heard of those before. Not the kind of thing I wanted in the hands of raiders.

One of the Winksteppers began frantically trotting in place. “This is terrible!”

“What? You aren’t scared are you?” She mocked. “I could be over here…” The Winkstepper was suddenly knocked to the side as the power hooves went off again, “Or over here!" There was another power hoof clang from his opposite side and the Winkstepper's neck bent at an angle that could never support life.

Chess growled furiously, “Can anyone see her!?”

“No…" Carrion answered for us. Then I heard her whisper directly into my ear. "Do you fear me?”

“What?” I asked reflexively.

“Do you fear me?” I couldn't see her, but I could easily imagine her bloody mouth, her metal teeth, her slit cheeks, all smiling in anticipation of killing me right then and there... but the deathblow never came. Instead, a boombox that was sitting amongst the piles of stuff turned on, activated by an invisible hoof.

Well, I guess if she's gonna gloat about killing us, she might as well do it in song.

{{I'll Eat You All, set to the tune of A Whole New World, from Aladdin}}

"I will eat you alive!

Blood and muscle and entrails.

Tell me, morsels, now how can

You fight what you cannot see?

"I will rip you apart!

Tear you muscle from sinew.

I am ripping right through you,

I’m committing equicide!"

At this point she punched another Winkstepper to the ground, and we watched in horror as her bite mark appeared as if by magic on his belly. She ripped him open, trailing intestines, swallowed loudly, and started gleefully singing again.

"I’ll eat you all!

You all are trapped in here with me,

And though you may try to hide,

Like your insides,

I’ll put you out in the open"

Until now we had been too shocked to move, but now, as she grabbed a piece of her victim's entrails and slurped them like 200 year old ramen with blood broth, I snapped out of my stupor and aimed my pistol at the spot where the gore was vanishing into her invisible mouth and fired. As she yelped in pain, I called her out on her evil, but... well, have you ever heard a song that was so catchy, you couldn't help but unintentionally sing your next words to it's tune?

"Your reign will fall!

And there is nothing you can do

‘Cause eating your own kind

Is out of line,

And somepony has to stand up to you!"

"I think that I’ve heard enough of you!" she shouted, charging me. Fortunately, I was able to dodge and continued my tirade, all the while slashing at where I thought she was with my knife.

"Well look who’s talking now.

You’re the one who was singing,

Even after everything!

It’s time to pay for your crimes!

"Your reign will fall!"

"I will buck off your head!"

"I will not let you get to me!"

"Little prick! Just stop moving!"

"Baltimare will be free!

And its ponies

Will be safe at last from your tyranny."

She kicked at me with her forehooves, knocking me back, but I recovered quickly and countered where I guessed she was with my knife, and got lucky. I felt the knife wedge into her fetlock, and she screamed. I rammed into her with my horn, but she headbutted me back, causing my horn to get wedged under her helmet. We both tried pulling away, but got stuck, caught into a struggle that somehow vaguely resembled a ballroom dance.

"I’ll eat you all!"

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Shut up when I’m talking to you!"

"I might care ‘cept you’re evil"

At this point, due to some freak coincidence, we began singing the exact same thing at the same time. "Time for this fight to end,

And I won’t bend,

So I’m sorry, I have to kill you!"

"I’ll eat you all!"

"Your reign will fall!"

"This ends right here!"

"This ends right here!"

"I just said that!"

"Well you are fat!"

And for our last line, we voiced our mutual distaste of each other, again simultaneously. "Just kiss my rear."

I heard the explosive sound of a Calamity's rifle, and Carrion staggered, blood pooling around her hooves. Our little dance had made her a rather easy target once my allies realized she was right in front of me.

"Wha-" She uttered before more gunshots bombarded her. I pulled out my pistol too and fired at where I thought her head was, and was rewarded with a burst of brains splattering the wall behind her.

I reached down and pulled off her Stealth Cloak, its magic deactivating once it left her body. It was a little torn up and bloodstained, but there was no way I was leaving something like this behind!

"Alright, now that that unpleasantness is over," said Chess, "We'd better move on to Canis. come on, Click and Knight might still be upstairs."

*** *** ***

{{Click Click}}

We were teleported to a dimly lit corridor with the Scorpion aiming Knight’s battle saddle straight at us. This one had a better grasp of teleportation than Canis had, and we had made the trip unscathed.

Suddenly all of our own weapons were enveloped in a magical glow and ripped away from us, even the lighters that we used for dynamite. We turned to see Canis himself standing at the far end of the hallway, looking like he had had several healing potions since he had left running scared.

“You little ponies have been quite aggravating this past day…” he said, pointing all three of our guns at us, (my two pistols, plus Knight got one of the few rifles). “You even ruined the paint job on my keychain. I spent a lot of time on that…” he said with sarcastic pettiness as he gestured to the little mare statue that hung from his armor, which was covered in blood and soot, but otherwise strangely undamaged. “However, I am a reasonable stallion. You may have ruined everything I set out to do and tried to kill me, but to be fair, I did the same to you. So I’ll extend my offer again. Join me. Join the Legion.”

“Why do you want us with you so bad?” I asked, glaring at him.

“Why? Just look at you! You’ve managed to annihilate nearly my whole gang! I’m especially surprised at you, unicorn, with how you managed to handle my guards the way you did, not to mention your performance in the School, you defeating my claws, and what I was told you did when you first came.” I realized that it probably wasn’t entire out of the question that the hotel had cameras too. “All that, and you’re still so young. How long have you been fighting like this?”

“Well… this is my first week in the wasteland, actually,” I said, not seeing the harm in answering. I just wanted to keep him talking until he didn't have guns on us.

“Oh yes! Now I definitely want you. A natural talent for fighting! You could have fooled me with that cutie mark, although since this is your first time in combat, I wouldn’t be too surprised if you just found another special talent first.”

I was taken aback by that comment. I remembered Bishop's theory about alternate talents and alternate cutie marks, but a cutie mark for deadly combat? Cripes, that was unsettling...

“But none of that is the issue right now,” Canis continued. “Both of you have immense power and talent, but what are you using it for? Guarding caravans? That’s nothing! Just think of what you could accomplish if you used that power to get what you wanted. That is what the Legion is about: enforcing the power of the strong. Think of the so-called 'wild' animals out there in the wasteland, no, in all places throughout history. Their wealth and influence is limited only by their own strength. Ponies, on the other hand… are an anomaly… Somewhere along the line, they adopted this strange idea about protecting the weak. And worse, they developed morality and laws to reinforce that... perversion. They would tell you that limits must be imposed on one’s power, that the strong’s dominion of the weak should be reined in. Where else in nature does this occur? Nowhere. Law is an aberration, an abomination against the natural order.” He spoke forcefully, straight from his soul. “In ancient times, the princesses, the most powerful of all beings, would, for some foolish reason, try to uphold and defend those ridiculous, unnatural notions. But now they are gone, civilization wiped clean… Many ponies think of the raiders as degenerates, incarnate demons of the vilest sort, but they’re wrong. It is the raiders who truly recognize the way of nature, that the strong have a right to take whatever they have the power to keep, and it is the Legion that are the strongest among them all. Ponies with strength like yours... It pains me to see it go to waste. That is why you belong with us. Besides, the only alternative is death. So do you accept?”

I scowled at the pony in front of me. He honestly felt that the raider’s way of life, a life of taking whatever you wanted at the expense of the innocent, was some righteous, pure, path. Our philosophies were intrinsically opposed; There was no way we could ever see eye to eye.

Knight shrugged. "Well, I only got like half of what you said, and I already got a good thing going with Chess, but if I say no, you'll shoot me. Tell you what, if Chess dies, I'm with you; if you die, I'm with Chess.

Canis seemed satisfied with the answer. I, on the other hoof, stared horrified at her, unable to even think of any words dirty enough for what I thought of her right then. Fine. She could be that way. My mind, on the other hoof, was made up eleven years ago. I replied by spitting in Canis' face.

He brushed the spit off with a foreleg. He didn't look as angry as I'd expected: more disappointed. "My, my... What a waste. I pity you for your moral indoctrination."

I stared him down hatefully. "You killed Tricky and Stellar. Ponies who thought like you killed my mother. I hate you! I hate you and everyone like you! So if you want to kill me, then kill me! I'd welcome it rather than living in the world you want!"

He simply smirked. "Oh really? Fine then. But not with a simple gunshot. I want you to see for yourself the potential that you have, but will never fulfill."

He pulled all of the guns away and threw them far behind him. He kept only my machetes, and levitated one to me. He looked to the mare with Knight's gear and said, "Keep the green one out of the fight, but otherwise, don't interfere." Then he removed his barding, revealing a cutie mark of a disembodied handlike claw on his left flank and a brand on his right, identical to the symbol on the front of his barding. Turning to me, he said "Remove your armor. We will fight with only machetes and our own natural strength: equal equipment, as is fitting for true warriors."

I didn't object. I'd accepted my death already if he was as powerful as they said he was, but a chance to at least cut him up a bit as I went down was the best final gift I could ask for. I'd have rather kept my armor, but his had looked sturdier than mine, and it was better that we were both unprotected than both of us armored with his being better. Plus I had no choice with the raider threatening to shoot me if I didn't comply. At least melee weapons were better for venting out my anger.

When the fight started, I swung at his neck, but he stepped backward and counterattacked, his weapon just grazing my chest. Nothing serious. I took another swing, at his legs this time, but again, he calmly stepped away and gave me a slash across the face, though again it was hardly lethal. He was good at dodging, but I didn't see the big deal about him, especially since I managed to block all three of his next few attacks. The next time I swung, I even managed to cut across his chest, giving him a vigorously bleeding gash.

"Is this really all you got?" I asked boldly. Honestly, I was pretty much forgetting all my thoughts of dying, if this is how he fought.

"I was about to ask the same thing..." Canis said.

I didn't even know what happened next. All I knew was that when it was over I was on the ground, an X slashed across my ribs.

"You are strong, sure," he said. "But do you honestly think I'd have challenged you to an even fight if I wasn't confident I could win anyway? I have been at this for years. You are but a puppy to me." He then held his own machete under his one hoof, grabbed the handle with his magic, and snapped it off.

He telekinetically lifted me to my hooves, then used his telekinesis again to swing the handle.

I felt my jaw crack.

He swung again from the other side.

My cheekbone broke.

He threw me into the air and hit me three times as I fell. Each shot shattered a rib.

"I can do this all day if I want to. I can kill you with just this broken handle..." he said. He'd been toying with me earlier, and still was. Earlier, he just let me think I was winning... But it wasn't over yet.

"If you can fight all day..." I coughed blood, "then fight me all day!"

I telekinetically lifted up my machete, but that wasn't all I did.

I've learned a lot of tricks during my life. One of my favorites was whispering something to Spark using a ventriloquism spell directly in her ear. I'd gotten to the point where I didn't even need to move my lips. It had been really useful when I had to be an accessory to one of her pranks. I slowly stood up, hoping Canis was willing to toy with me a bit more. Under the guise of telekinetically going for my machete, I cast the spell I had mastered years ago for mischief, but was now using to save my own skin.

"Knight, don't say anything, but listen to me..." I whispered, my spell carrying my voice right to her, imperceptible to anypony else. I saw her eyes widen, but she thankfully didn't cry out in surprise. "In a few seconds, you're going to have a shot at taking out that raider next to you. I need you to take it, then help me bring down Canis. Trust me, Chess told me this plan earlier." The last part was a lie, but with Knight's willingness to switch sides, I knew I needed to exploit her stupidity and trust in Chess to keep her with me.

Canis hit me again, this one breaking more ribs and throwing me back several yards. I sucked in as much air as I could with my shattered chest and grabbed at my machete again to disguise my next spell.

This one was ventriloquism again, but this time with an added twist. Another one of my formerly-mundane-now-lifesaving skills was the ability to change my voice just a little. It wouldn't be perfect, but I think I could imitate Carrion well enough.

"Hey, you, over here!" I yelled from down the hallway in Carrion's voice. The Black Scorpion instantly turned to look, at which point I whispered to Knight again, "NOW!"

Knight leapt at the Black Scorpion, pinning her. The raider tried to teleport away, but just as it happened, Knight stomped her horn with insane force, smashing it right off. The end result was a halfway completed teleportation, which teleported half of her body's particles. She didn't leave a corpse, she left a mound of ruined equipment and bloody hamburger.

Meanwhile, Canis had been distracted by the shout as well. It was only for a moment, but it was enough for me to get one quick slash, right across the windpipe.

He staggered back, choking. I wasn't sure how survivable that wound was, but I wasn't going to take any risks. Before Canis could retaliate, I cast my mini shield spell, creating a small shield bubble right inside his throat, blocking his airway completely. I stretched it as much as I could, making it force the hole in his throat open even more.

Realizing that he couldn't continue with an injury like that, especially now that it was two on one, Canis teleported again, this time just to the end of the hallway. I gave chase as he rounded the corner, with Knight following behind me. I telekinetically picked up our weapons along the way.

"Dammit! Chess' stupid plan wrecked my gear! When we get back up, he owes me big time!" Knight complained. I ignored her, not really caring about her worries after the things she said.

I rounded the corner and saw Canis about halfway down the hall, galloping toward a spiral staircase leading upward. I dropped all but the dynamite and a lighter. I lit one of the explosives and launched it after him. I was either too cautious or too infuriated to just use one, so I repeated the process with four more before the first even detonated, and was about to go for a sixth before I realized that there was none left.

The first one sailed past Canis and hit the stairwell, going off just as he got within range. The next one landed behind him, throwing him into the stairwell. By then, the dust was so thick that I couldn’t see where the other three landed, but the satisfying explosions were more than enough to know what happened. As if the dynamite itself wasn’t enough, whatever building we were in just wasn’t built to withstand all those explosions, and the entire stairwell, a huge chunk of the building’s wall, and a bunch of rubble collapsed onto him. Fortunately, the rest of the building seemed to stay up, although the stairwell was completely sealed. All we could see of Canis was a blood soaked hoof sticking out from under the mess.

Knight leapt in celebration. “YEAH! Take that, bitch-ass! ... Uh... Now how do we get out?"

*** *** ***

As it turns out, that was the only way out. After a few short days, Knight and I both died of thirst.

No, I’m just kidding, we lived. The stairwell really was the only way out (we had apparently been in a library basement,) but thankfully a collapsing portion of a building is rather hard to miss, and I was able to use my volume raising spell to call for help, so it didn’t take us long to get noticed. By that time though, the war was already over. All of the Black Scorpions were either killed or had retreated, not foolish enough to even stay in their original territory to be hunted down by vengeful Winksteppers later.

As soon as we were out of the tunnel, I was bombarded with questions about what had happened, and even more questions when I told them that I had just killed Canis Atrox. Once I explained that me shouting that Canis was dead from the hotel was a lie to prompt the revolt and that I had just finished him off for real, they instantly forgave me for the lie and began praising me for my victory.

The Winksteppers gladly returned all of our things that were stolen, all of which was thankfully found on dead raiders or in storage places. One of Chess’ brahmin, which had been killed and eaten by some of the Black Scorpions, and of course Knight's armor and battle saddle were destroyed, but the Winksteppers were eager to compensate for them.

There were some things though, that could never be replaced.

They'd found Tricky and Stellar's bodies in a butcher shop meat locker, along with countless Winksteppers and a couple of other unfortunate ponies who had come before us. Carrion had been saving them for later. Fortunately, she hadn't gotten to Stellar and Tricky yet, and they didn't have a mark on their bodies other than the ones they got when they were killed. Their bodies, and all the ones who fell in battle, were lined up in Baltimare's cemetery in preparation for a mass burial, with grave diggers already digging a massive trench. The Black Scorpion corpses, on the other hand, were piled up haphazardly outside the city walls, where they would simply be burned. Nopony could blame the Winksteppers for that. Anything above leaving them to rot was generous.

“That’s nearly a fifth of our adults, pretty much,” somepony said as I sat and looked at them all. I turned around and saw Porter, the Winkstepper that had initially taken us inside Baltimare.

“I’m so sorry for what we did to you. I know that you lost friends here,” he said, his eyes filled with tears.

Part of me wanted to buck him in the face, but I didn’t entertain that thought. He’d done what he did out of fear, he’d had no choice.

“I lost friends and family too…” he said. I couldn’t hold anything against him after that, especially after what he said next.

“My brother… his name was Sand Blast, the mine-maker… He… he was the one you shot first.”

I felt sick. Why did he have to tell me that?

“I just want you to know…” he said, “I don’t hold it against you…” his face was soaked with tears by now. Before I could say anything to him, he teleported and was gone.

I looked on at the corpses again, and the realization of what I’d done weighed heavy on me. In retrospect, I can’t think of anything that I could have done that would have turned out better, but what I’d done to Porter’s brother was going to stick with me for the rest of my life. Sand Blast. That was the name of the very first pony I killed, and he was an innocent... I knew what kind of effect death could have on a pony. I’d known since I was just ten. But now, I could appreciate what it was like to cause death, against those like the Black Scorpions who deserved it, and those like Sand Blast who didn’t.

I stayed in the cemetery for a good few hours, just thinking and watching the grave diggers. I offered to help once or twice, but they insisted that their savior get some rest from the fighting. Occasionally another body would be found and brought in, but by midday, the grave was finished and all the bodies were found, laid gently inside, and buried. From where I was sitting, I could see her face as they started filling the grave with dirt. They moved much faster than they had digging, and it wasn't long before they reached her. I had just been looking until now, staring at her unmoving face, but as the soil covered her, I started crying again, just a little bit.

By four o'clock, almost everypony was gathered around for the funeral, save for those too wounded to come and their caretakers. Even Knight came, but I could tell that that was only because Chess had made her.

The service wasn't too long, and to be honest, I didn't pay very much attention. The eulogist had to give a generic speech, one that tried to cover everyone at once. It didn't do anyone much justice, at least in my opinion.

Dozens of Winksteppers were lost during the raider occupation. There wouldn't be one family here left intact. I shuddered in horror when I realized how many children here would grow up with only one parent like me, or even orphaned like Bishop. The worst losses would be the ones who died in the uprising. Brave ponies like that? The wasteland needed them. Any settlement requires protectors just as much as food and shelter.

Tricky... I can't say we got along, but he made things interesting. He wasn't a bad guy, not by any stretch. Honestly, since he died, I'd been missing his fibs and tall tales. My day somehow didn't feel complete without being lied to.

But Stellar? I loved her. In just a few days she became my best friend, only to die while I watched helplessly. I know it's a bit cliché to say that it should have been me who died. The Wasteland needed her. What was I? Just some soda addict who's good with a screwdriver and maybe a gun. She could make somepony's life better with her mere presence, and I was completely interchangeable with any other wasteland loser.

No, she wouldn't want me to think that way. And what's more, it wasn't right. Even if it was right, I owed it to her to be more than that. She wanted me to live, and she wanted that for a reason. She saw a goodness inside of me that she wanted to bring out. So why couldn't I bring it out myself? I knew I could never match her, but I had to try.

I still needed a virtue. They say that wastelanders needed one, or else they'd lose hope, lose who they are. Stellar's had been Justice. I decided that it was mine too. I would carry on her virtue, her influence, everything, to the best of my ability, and keep her memory alive.

*** *** ***

The Winksteppers gave us all a free stay at their Inn that night. I slept better than I had in years, so I was wide awake when I was woken by Chisel yelling in the hallway outside. He'd been found chained up in a room after the war, and hadn't given Chess a moment of peace since, except for at the funeral. I decided to see what the deal was this time.

"No, no, NO! I'm not taking one more step north! You take me back to Tenpony this instant!" Chisel said tearfully, his complaining actually justified for once. While I had been beaten up pretty badly, others were quick to heal me, and given a little time I'd be no worse than when I started. Chisel, on the other hoof, was scarred for life: A sun-brand just like Canis' was burned forever over his left cutie mark, and if he felt the same way about Tricky that I did for Sand Blast, his mark wasn't even a fraction of his suffering. According to something that Carrion had told him in passing, a brand on the right cutie mark was the sign of Legion membership, and a brand on the left meant that its bearer was a witness to the Legion's strength, a walking sign of their evil.

"Of course, I would never dream of asking anything more of you after everything you've been through," Chess said, for once appearing flustered. He hadn't been afraid of being surrounded by bandits, but the thought of Chisel spreading a bad review of his business was apparently terrifying. "Here, I'll pay you double for everything that's happened. As for the return trip, I can contact one of my associates right now. He's a griffon, and he can have you home within two days."

"He'd better be able to!" Chisel said furiously.

*** *** ***

We were ready to leave that afternoon. In order to replace the lost brahmin, Chess had decided to make due by hooking a pony up to the cart instead. After I told him about what Knight had said about potentially switching to the Legion, Chess decided that that pony should be her.

"Is that really enough of a punishment?" I asked Chess when we got a moment alone. "I mean, she considered joining the Legion! That's just... evil!" I wasn't sure what a good enough punishment actually would be for her; the milder part of me felt that Chess knew what he was doing, the wrathful part of me wanted her to be fired, if not straight up shot, and the part of me that enjoyed comedic callback said that Chess should spank her and make her do all my chores for a month.

"Well, Click, it sounds to me like she was just trying to keep herself alive, and honestly, it sounds like you two were in a pretty bad situation. Your integrity down there really speaks for your character, but Knight would never die for her principles, especially since she doesn't have any. The truth is, back when I first found her, she was just a drunk who got food by mooching off stallions she slept with, and she had no qualms about killing or stealing when she needed to. The only reason she wasn't a raider back then is, believe it or not, she was too stupid even for that. Even other raiders found her intolerable and she had no idea how to live off the land or scavenge. I only discovered her and her skill by accident, and recruited her as soon as possible on the condition that she keep her behavior under control. As far as I'm concerned, she's fine as long as she has me holding her leash."

"Hmph. If you say so..." I muttered. I trusted his judgment, but that didn't mean I liked it.

"Chess!" said Chisel, "I cast one last indestructibility spell on that statue for you, now when is your friend getting here? I'm sick of this place!"

"Any second now... Wait, there, that should be him," said Chess pointing upward.

Chess's griffon friend flew gracefully toward us, trailing a small skywagon. At first he appeared as a muscular black silhouette against the dim light of the sky, but as he approached, he seemed somehow to get even blacker. I had always thought of griffons as half eagle and half lion, but this one looked more like half crow and half panther. The first part of him that I saw that wasn't black was the feathers around his eyes: bright red which tapered off to darker shades the further from the eye they got, sort of like a drying pool of blood.

I couldn't tell whether he was genuinely awesome or an overcompensating emo. I could really see it either way.

"Hello, Rook," said Chess, leading Chisel to him. "This is Chisel, and he needs you to take him back to Tenpony Tower."

"Ah..." Rook said, "I suppose the horrors of the wasteland were too much for him? It is understandable; what place does the blissfully untainted have in this realm of misery? It is better that he returns to the motherly cloister of his home, rather than share in our damnation, where the only escape is the merciful knife of an early and bloody death..."

Ok, emo I guess.

"Um, yeah..." said Chess. "Just go easy on the... that. He's been through a lot and doesn't need any depressing reminders. He's also getting this ride free, I'll send you your payment myself. Just give him whatever he needs and make sure he gets there quickly and safely."

"It shall be as you said. I am enslaved to his smallest whim, as a dust mote to a hurricane, and all who would attempt to harm him during our journey shall fall in twain beneath my blades, their life's blood pooling in the void that should normally house my soul," Rook said, flamboyantly drawing a pair of ornate obsidian knives which were decorated with red trim on the hilt and blade.

On second thought, maybe he was emo AND really awesome, that wasn't impossible.

"Good. But again, quit with the dark stuff."

With Chess's reassurance, Chisel got into Rook's skywagon, and the two ascended off into the sky. As they flew out of the city, a small smile crept onto Chess' face, and I heard him mutter to himself, "Finally I can stop pandering to that little twerp."

Just then I noticed Pearly Gate approaching us, a makeshift prosthetic keeping her upright. Secret Door stood at her side, a black patch covering up his destroyed eye.

"Hey, Pearly! Secret!" I said, happy to see them recovering so quickly.

"Hi guys," Pearly said. She sounding a little tired, but not as gloomy as she could be, considering the carnage. "I'm glad I caught you before you left. I just wanted to thank you again for everything you've done, and apologize for getting you so involved."

"It's alright," I said. "I'm just glad it's all over."

"As am I," said Chess. "Incidentally, what are you all going to do now? Without the Black Scorpions, there's nothing to stop travelers from just traveling around Baltimare."

She shrugged. "That is going to be a problem, but from the looks of things, I think we're going to just do away with the toll road, focus more on getting income from our merchants and the like. There's been talk about doing that for months already, but the last Mayor was too afraid of the transition. Of course, the first thing Canis did when he came here was slice her in half, so that's not as much of an issue anymore."

"Yeah," said Secret Door. "As for our next Mayor, I've been listening around town and it looks like Pearly here is a favorite for being next in line."

"Heh, yeah," Pearly said bittersweetly as she wiggled her prosthetic leg a bit. "Freedom fighter mastermind plus martyrdom is pretty good on a resume.

Chess got a thoughtful, hopeful look on his face. "Hey, since you're going to be more open to trade, maybe you would consider letting me try to set up a Checkmate Company Hub here? I find that my business tends to give significant economic boosts to settlements where they appear."

They discussed it a bit and agreed that Pearly would be more than open to the idea if she ended up winning the election, so in a couple of weeks Chess could send an associate of his to set up shop. We bid her farewell one last time, and set out.

As we marched away, I passively took out two keepsakes that I had hung onto. The first one was Stellar's gun, a shiny 10 mm that was colored blue and bore the name "Starstruck." It was heavily modified with an extended magazine, a laser sight, and a silencer. Personally I preferred Dad's shotgun, but Starstruck and my machete both made absolutely wonderful additions to my arsenal. Her barding and headband were in my pack as well. I don't know why I thought I needed them, but I didn't want to leave anything of hers behind. They were hers, and that made them precious to me. I'm sure I'd find a use for them.

The second souvenir was Canis’ keychain, which I'd picked off of his armor after blowing him up. Upon further examination of it, I saw that it wasn’t even a keychain at all, but a statuette of the Ministry Mare, Applejack. The string that attached it to his barding was a piece of twine that had been tied in a noose and wrapped around her neck, and the altered colors and injuries had been Canis' personal touch. As crass as his alterations were, I had to admire Canis’ craftsmanship. Still, I took great pleasure in cleaning his paint off, just like I would take pleasure in scouring away any more raiders, especially Legionnaires, that ever crossed my path. I didn't understand how the original orange paint stayed on, but I wasn't complaining. As I read the inscription on the base, 'Be Strong,' I could feel a second meaning in the trinket, besides a keepsake. Canis had been right about one thing: I had done outstandingly well in that war, so maybe I was gifted with more power and strength than the average pony. What Canis got wrong though, was how I would use that power. I didn't plan on becoming a raider hunter or anything, but if I ever came across one... well, they'd made themselves a pretty powerful enemy.

I didn't notice it at the time, but as I set out with my friends once more, a pair of small, round robots were watching us from Baltimare. One stayed behind, making a beeline for Pearly and Secret. The other one followed after me and the Checkmate Company, watching us from just out of sight.

(6_9) ...

Footnote: Level up! Level three.

Skills Note: Melee has now reached 50.

Perk Added: Educated- After your ordeal in Baltimare, you've decided to put your highly intelligent brain to good use and make yourself a better adventurer. You now gain two more skill points each level.
Ministry Mare Statuette Found! Applejack: +1 Strength

Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, with Baltimare raider free, it's a downhill ride to Whinnyapolis. After a job well done, Click receives his caps plus the opportunity for a permanent job with Chess. But after all the dangers he's faced up until now, not to mention the tragic loss of Stellar, will he be willing to continue? Maybe he can make up his mind after sleeping on it a bit... and by 'sleeping on it,' I mean getting forced into one more quest, courtesy of the Cult of Discord.

Author's Note

Finally! Sorry to keep you guys waiting on this one. First order of business, we have two more prereaders on board, Twilitlightning and Chris the Herb. So with Tutis, Trivial, Beep Beep, Delta, and now the new guys, I think it's safe to say I have enough. I'll still gladly take critiques from anypony else who has their own two cents to toss in, but these guys are the only ones seeing unpublished chapters.

It has occurred to me that these past two chapters are uncharacteristically dark and serious for something with Wild Wasteland in the title, and I do apologize if they caught anypony off guard. Rest assured, however, that the next chapter is going to be the wackiest one yet, and then after that we have chapter 6, which is about 3/4ths through the rough draft and looking to be one of my favorites.

Also, I have posted a new story for the Fallout Equestria group's 300 member contest, if any of you want to check it out. It's a little side story about Knight which takes place later on in this story. It doesn't name any names, but it does drop a little hint that Click's party will be replenishing it's numbers pretty soon.

So anyway, thanks to all my readers, my prereaders, and the contributors to this fic's source material. Til next time!

**Prereader's note: Since Clack murdered my previous waifu (Carrion), Knight is my new waifu. You can't have her. '3' -- Delta

**Other Prereader's note: Fuck dat, Knight is mine, has been since Stellar died. --Beep Beep

**Delta again: You wanna fight about it?

**Beep Beep: Yeah I do!

**Click Clack: Wait, lemmie get my camera.

Chapter 5: Misheard Melody

Chapter 5: Misheard Melody

"Shh... we're hunting shitheads."

(6_9) ...

Whinnyapolis. We had gone through Hell and back to get to this place, and I'd even lost my best friend and crush, but finally we had reached the light at the end of the tunnel... assuming we weren't abducted by aliens at the last second.

No sooner had I finished that thought than a giant flying disk emerged through the clouds and bathed us in the green light of a tractor beam.

Nah, just kidding. Could you imagine?

Whinnyapolis was a decent sized settlement which took its name from a much larger pre-war city that had covered this area before a balefire bomb blew a chunk of it off the map. However, not unlike Baltimare, the unbombed portion managed to thrive after getting a bit of TLC.

Near the main entrance, we saw a group of three colts on skateboards. When he saw them, Chess turned to the rest of us and said "It's been a little while since I was here. I'm going to go and ask them for directions." As he trotted up to the boys, he asked "Excuse me, do any of you know where the Dolewich Building is?"

One of the colts, the only unicorn, had been drinking a bottle of Sunrise Sarsaparilla at the time, and as soon as he heard the name he accidentally did a spit take (What a waste...) Another colt, the youngest, turned on the spot and skated off.

"The Dolewi-" the third, eldest colt began before stopping as if he had just caught himself in the middle of saying a bad word. "You mean that building with the fucking cultists?" No self censorship there though. The colt looked us over and said, "You guys don't look like the type to wanna join those weirdoes. What do ya want with 'em?"

"We're making a delivery to them, that's all." Chess gestured to the cart.

The skater grunted in annoyance. "Just go counterclockwise around the outside of town until you see it, and trust me, you'll know it when you see it. And don't even think about bringing any of that Discord shit through town, unless you wanna get your asses kicked out by an angry mob."

"I'll keep that in mind," Chess said, nodding before turning and going the way the colt instructed, the rest of us in tow.

Once the skaters were out of earshot, I asked Chess, "Was the town as anti-Discord the first time you were here?"

"They certainly didn't think much of the cultists the last time, but if that boy hadn't told us, I wouldn't have thought anypony would be hostile. He could be exaggerating, but just to be on the safe side, let's stay out until we get this delivery done."

"With all the crap we went through t' get here, Ah'm gonna be glad once it's all over and done with," Calamity said, flying up to us.

"Yes, it has been pretty harrowing, hasn't it?" said Chess.

"Is it always this bad? I mean, do ponies usually die?" I asked.

"If that was the case, I'd choose a safer line of work," Chess said, cracking a small smile. "What we went through in the tunnels and especially in Baltimare were the kinds of things I've only really heard about. To experience them one after the other like that, it almost makes me wonder if Chisel was right about the statue being jinxed. At any rate, I doubt I'll ever see anything like that happen again, definitely not as bad as it was. However, since you mention it, I have something to ask the two of you." He stopped and turned around so he could look us in the faces. "After seeing the two of you back there, changing the course of whole battles and surviving where others tragically died, there is no doubt that you ponies have something exceptional about you. That is why I want to invite you both to join the Checkmate Company as permanent employees. I guarantee that the vast majority of your jobs will not be even half as dangerous as what happened in Baltimare, and you will be well paid. In fact, I want you traveling with me, like Bishop and Knight do. I consider you that valuable."

I had to think about that. I knew that Chess had mentioned permanent employment when he was recruiting on the radio, but honestly I hadn't given any thought at all to whether I would accept it if he offered; my mind was too occupied with other things, such as avoiding torturous death. But other than the dangers we'd come across, the job had mostly involved a lot of walking, which was easy enough work, although a tad boring. Besides, that boredom was easily countered by the new people I'd meet and places I'd see. Still, despite Chess' insistence that the job was safe, I knew that Canis was far from the last Raider I'd ever meet if I stayed out here, and I knew better than to get a swelled head over my supposedly exceptional skills.

"I'll get back to you on that," I said.

"Me too," said Calamity.

"Alright then," replied Chess understandingly.

Our conversation fell into a lull after that. I took the opportunity to listen to the radio a bit. At first I was gonna just go to DJ Pon3, like usual, but then I remembered another name: DJ Fizzypop. I wondered for a moment where I'd heard that name, then remembered that DJ Pon3 had mentioned her a few nights ago. It was a hazy memory, but I think he said something about her not being too bad.

I shrugged. I was an adventurous guy, and even the Legion's music grew on me when I overlooked who was playing it, so I decided I'd give Fizzypop one more chance. When I turned my radio to 94.4, I was greeted with the last couple notes of a song, followed by an excited, fillyish voice.

"Oh boy, oh boy! My first real news broadcast since the spritebots went out! I wonder if DJ Pon3 is listening? I hope he is! Oops, the mike's on... Um... Hello, Wasteland! This is DJ Fizzypop with some breaking news! Now I'm sure you've all heard about the Legion invasion of the town of Baltimare, which has been severely restricting trade across the north and south for over a week. I mean, how could you have not heard about it? DJ Pon3 was all over it!"

Immediately I removed my earbuds from the PipBuck and called the others to come listen.

"Well, I am happy to say that the invasion has finally ended. The Legion and their cronies, the Black Scorpions, have been thoroughly purged from the area after they picked a fight with the wrong group of travelers. Details are rather sketchy, but apparently the group was able to somehow rally the oppressed ponies of Baltimare and stage a rebellion. Two key players that I definitely have to mention are the pair of caravan guards who, for the sake of protecting them from Legion retaliation, I will refer to from here on out as the Blue Guy and the Green Chick. Somehow, the duo went toe-to-toe with Canis Atrox, a high ranking Legionnaire and kingpin of the Legion's operations in Baltimare.

"The town is currently undergoing reconstruction, including a major alteration of their economy. If you've wanted to cross their borders but were unable due to lack of funds, don't worry, because word is that they are removing the toll road and focusing more on trade. So Blue Guy, Green Chick, and all the good ponies of Baltimare and the travelers that saved them, my hat goes off to you! ... Or it would if I wore a hat. So I'll drink to you instead!" The next sound on the radio was the telltale sound of somepony chugging soda, then belching loudly. "Wow! That was a loud one! 'Scuse me. And some dang good soda, too... Yeah..." She drank some more, lost in its flavor like I so often found myself. "Good stuff... Anyway, that's it for the news, now here's a new track of my own design, a remixed medley of some of your favorite Sapphire Shores and Sweetie Belle songs! Let's hear it!"

Wow... Even so soon after losing Stellar, I had to admit that something about her appreciation for soda and nonchalance about the inevitable belching it caused was pretty freaking hot... Uh, I mean... Hooray! I got mentioned on the radio!

Meanwhile, Knight seemed to be having similar sentiments,"Fuck yeah! I got mentioned on the radio!" she said, pumping a forehoof in the air.

"You're just lucky they didn't hear about any of your flip-flopping 'I'll-side-with-the-winner' crap," Chess said, bonking her. "But regardless, when it gets out that it was us this is gonna be so good for publicity!" Chess said, excitedly pressing his hooves to his face like this /)^3^(. "Now I'm really hoping you stay with us, Click!" I'd never seen him so giddy.

"Like I said, I'll think about it, but hearing that is something to take into consideration," I said, plugging my earbuds back in. Great, now if I join Chess, I could probably push for a higher pay, but I'd probably be used as a mascot.

However, my companions' reactions aside, I began to wonder: had Lightbringer found out yet? Sure, it hadn't been that long, but DJ Fizzypop already knew somehow too. I decided to tune into Legion Radio, tuning my volume down a bit. I knew the Legion liked loud music, and I didn't want anypony to overhear and make me have to explain why I was listening to the 'evil' station.

I caught this one in the middle of a song, but I was willing to wait. Admittedly, I just really love that guitar, even if I have no idea how anypony would play it with hooves. Maybe they were all griffons? Anyway, the song died down soon enough, giving way to the sound of my two least favorite ponies in the world.

"Howdy-do, Wasteland!" said Trepan. "It's time for our super special raider news segment, courtesy of the best pony in the world, Lightbringer!" She then did her best imitation of a roaring, cheering crowd... which was rather pathetic when it was just her.

Lightbringer spoke up quickly, her tone of voice betraying a slight embarrassment at her co-host's pathetic sound effects. "Yeah yeah, shut up, we all know they love me. Anyway, the first bit of raider news I have for you listeners is a brand new innovation in trap setting. You know the exploding stroller trick? Well, Indigo of the Hangdog gang found a way to make it even better! It's a little high maintenance, but the payoff is just so- Hey! I'm in the middle of a- wait, WHAT?" I heard somepony whispering, probably into Lightbringer's ear. "Wha- What do you mean he's dead!? What the FUCK! I swear, if you're joking I will peel your face off in front of your mother!"

A new voice spoke up, a hardened but scared sounding stallion, "Please, this is only what I heard! Some of the other guys were dancing to Fizzypop's music, and she did a story about it!"

"You... just get out. NOW! Damn it, now I'm pissed... Apparently, some blue and green jackasses just waltzed into Baltimare and killed Canis Atrox. Seriously, what. The. Fuck! I thought you were tough, Canis! I thought you were better than this! I hope you're the laughing stock of Hell right now! Shit, there are no words for this. I... That's it, I'm done... If anypony out there sees a couple of blue and green caravan guards around there, kill 'em. Trepan, put the music back on, we'll do the story later. Fuck, I- I gotta go flay someone..."

I grinned stupidly and chuckled. That made my day right there. I didn't even care that she had basically just put out a hit on me, I'd just made Lightbringer herself ragequit her own show. Plus, the song Trepan put on afterward had some admittedly awesome guitar in it. Is it weird that the ponies who indirectly murdered my crush were turning out to be my favorite DJs? Oh... I just made myself sad... Still, I couldn't help but think Stellar would agree that if I ever got the chance to kill Lightbringer, her own tunes would make an ironically good soundtrack for it. Maybe I could compile it on a disk just for the occasion and call it "Music to Avenge By."

After a couple songs, we finally found the Dolewich Building. The skater colt had been right when he said we'd know it when we saw it, and for more reasons than just the fact that it had the word "Dolewich" in huge letters along the top. Out in front was a pen with three brahmin in it, all dressed in soccer uniforms. The third floor had all of its windows replaced with a mixture of boat portholes and stained glass pictures of sandwiches, while the second floor had either transparent or somehow nonexistent walls, allowing me to see into every room, including a bathroom where somepony was taking a shower while fully dressed in soldier fatigues and an astronaut helmet. On the side of the building was a full set of kitchen furniture and appliances that had been somehow attached to the wall sideways, including a refrigerator whose door was hanging open directly above a pile of old rotting food on the ground. For some reason, I noticed that the derp-eyed pony and ellipsis icon was perpetually on while I had the building in my sight. There were countless other oddities adorning the building, but the most significant one at the moment was the door on the top floor. As we approached, the door opened up just a crack, enough for a ghoul mare standing behind it to peek out at us. When she laid eyes on our cart holding the statue, she immediately threw the door open, grinning with unbridled happiness, and ran out to greet us...

Of course, as I said, this door was on the top floor, so she just wound up plummeting into the ground, landing on her neck with a sickening crack, her head at an unsurvivable angle.

"Oh crap! What did she do that for?" I shouted, instinctively running to her even knowing that she must have died instantly. However, right as I reached her body, the corpse began to glow pink and started to stand up.

She got to her hooves, her neck still kinked ninety degrees to the right, then sat down on her haunches and grabbed her dislocated head. She felt around the injury a bit, then with one quick jerk and a loud, meaty pop, her head was back to its original position. She looked right at me, still wearing that grin that she got when she first saw us. Her eyes were slightly offset and really weird looking, with very small, pupil-less purple irises that seemed to have a swirl pattern in them. Her face was just as disfigured as any other ghoul's, but one thing that immediately stood out to me was the yellow propeller hat that looked like it was fused to her head.

"Oh..." I said when it hit me, "You're a Canterlot Ghoul. I'm sorry, you're the first one I've ever seen, so I always assumed they were just a myth."

"Yeah, I no stay dead easy, and fall means get to ground faster. My name Screwball! You here for give statue, right?" she asked.

"That's right. I-" before I could say anything else, the mare leapt into the air shouting with joy.

"Yay! I get Cult Leader Crawling Chaos now! He get you lot of money and we get statue for worship Discord!" The propeller on her head then started to spin, actually lifting her off the ground. She flew to the door (the one on the ground floor this time), and tried to open it, but found it to be locked. She then casually punched through a window, flew through it, unlocked the door, broke back out through another window, and then finally opened the door and walked in... Right before punching out one more window for good measure.

A few moments later, the ghoul emerged again, this time with five other cultists following behind. One of them was riding inside a little red wagon, moving it with his own deep red magic. He was an ancient, shriveled looking thing that had a grey head with a black mane, and his body was brown and abnormally long, with a hairless, oversized tail that almost looked scaly. He had an off centered and misshapen unicorn horn, but also a second warped, hornlike growth to the side of it. Now I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't actually Discord; He was much too small and otherwise deformed to be the real Draconequus. It seemed more like he was an unfortunate pony who had grown up too close to a balefire crater and wound up coincidentally looking a lot like Discord. However, I couldn't help but think that it was a fitting disfigurement: after all, his cutie mark looked just like the guy.

"So, you have arrived," the pony in the wagon said with a twisted smile. His voice was raspy, as if he was incredibly sick. "I am Crawling Chaos, Co-Founder and High Priest of the Cult of Discord. I am glad to see that you have arrived. Did you encounter much trouble?"

"I'm afraid we did run into some difficulty," said Chess, "We even lost a couple of ponies on the way. However, the statue is intact, and it was made to your exact specifications."

"I am truly sorry for your loss. If only they could see the results of their final mission. We shall remember their sacrifice whenever we see this statue," Crawling Chaos said. His unicorn horn glowed, and the statue's crate levitated off the cart and opened. The statue, one of Discord doing some kind of dance, was then placed gently on the ground, where the ghoul began to excitedly look it over.

"Squee! It perfect!" she said. "It look just like him!"

"Yes, quite. Rocky, LeFlour, Trunip, Lints-A-Lot. Take it inside, and be careful,” Crawling Chaos said, nodding in turn at the remaining four cultists.

"Yes, Master!" the four responded before dutifully taking the statue. Rocky, a very muscle-bound earth pony, took it on his back while the unicorn LeFlour held it in a shield and Lints-A-Lot and Trunip (a unicorn and earth pony, respectively) kept it steady with a pair of ropes. They met some trouble when they realized that the statue was too big to fit through the front doors, but Lints-A-Lot remedied the problem by blasting a huge hole in the wall, seeming to intentionally target a portion with one of the last few intact windows on it. I couldn't understand how this building was still standing. These guys probably damaged it more than the apocalypse did.

"Now..." Crawling Chaos said, magically levitating a briefcase that had been with him in the wagon, "It is time you received your payment. I believe this will cover it." He opened the briefcase revealing what looked to be easily several thousand caps, causing Chess' eyes to do that weird 'turn into caps' thing again, just like in the mole ponies' tunnels. The second it was within his grasp, Chess gleefully closed the briefcase and hugged it to his breast.

"Do his eyes do that all the time?" I asked Bishop.

"Yeah, pretty frequently."

Chess composed himself and looked back to Crawling Chaos. "Well, if our business is concluded, I suppose I should be on my way." Looking back to us, he said "You guys are free to go. I'll be at the town's hotel, Bishop, Knight, try to be there by tonight. Click Click, Calamity, if you want to leave, you can, but again, please think about my offer. Ah, and here's your payment..." He pulled out a pair of bags filled with caps. "That's your payment for this job, plus a little extra for all the nightmares we encountered. Consider it a little taste of what you'll get if you stay with me."

We thanked him and took the caps (Sweet mother of children this was a lot! If nothing else, Chess knows how to be persuasive!) With a wink, Chess trotted off. Knight left too, saying something about finding a bar, leaving only me, Calamity, and Bishop.

"So... now what?" I asked.

Calamity shrugged. "Ah dunno. Just relax Ah guess, blow some of these caps."

"You know, this place is one of the biggest intact areas from before the war. I bet there's plenty of interesting stuff around here," suggested Bishop.

Suddenly, Screwball popped in front of us, grinning wildly. "You guys want see Whinnyapolis? Ooh! Ooh! Start here! Start here! I show you Church of Discord! Explain everything about it!"

If any of us had objections, we didn't get to voice them as her forelegs hugged around us and pushed us toward the church.

*** *** ***

{{Melody}}

Today just fucking sucked. I was low on funds because apparently nopony needed transportation around here, the overpriced coffee I'd just bought tasted like horseapples ("best in the wasteland" my pretty pink plot), it was 'that time of the month,' my bodyguards were threatening to quit if I couldn't pay them soon, and to top it all off, I think I stepped in gum.

But of course, there is never a situation so bad that it can't get worse, as a certain drunk jerkass was about to prove to me. He was staggering out of a nearby bar, barely able to stay on his hooves, when he saw me. Before he even took his first step in my direction, I knew what was going to happen.

"Hey, Melody, that guy looks like trouble. You want me to take care of him?" my bodyguards both said in unison. Their names were Frieren and Brennen, a pair of young twin griffons, or at least they were as close to twins as egg-born creatures could get. If it weren't for the fact that Frieren dyed his feather tips blue and Brennen dyed his red, I would never be able to tell them apart, even after six months of working with them. Even weirder was that they had this really freaky-ass way of moving like mirror images of each other and speaking at the same time. The only thing stopping them from being completely interchangeable was Brennan's affinity for fire, like his flamethrower, in contrast to Frieren always using that weird freeze gun he made, the 'Cryolator.'

I waved the twins off. "Don't worry guys, he doesn't look too tough, and I really need an ass to kick right now."

"Suit yourself," they said, and proceeded to sit back and watch.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doin' down here, Feathers?" the drunk said to me once he got close. By 'close,' I of course mean directly in my face. His breath smelled worse than my coffee tasted.

"Well, I was drinking some piss-poor coffee, but currently I'm in the middle of being harassed by a drunken shithead," I deadpanned. I heard the twins giggle in stereo behind me.

"Oh, ya think you're funny, do ya? Well, maybe you should go up and tell the other pegasususes your joke, Flygirl, we don't take kindly to your kind around here!" he spat, jabbing me in the chest.

I rolled my eyes. Yes, I was a pegasus, and yes, I had been the victim of a lot of undeserved racism from people who didn't understand the reasons behind what the Enclave does or doesn't do. However, this dicklicker was the first one in Whinnyapolis to say anything to me. As was usual, and forgivable, most ponies just stared at my wings for a second or two, then went about their business. Unfortunately, some were more racist than curious, forcing me to have to knock heads.

I clenched my teeth... There was no need to make a scene... Casually brushing a lock of my navy blue mane out of my eyes, I stared him down and said "Look, I don't wanna start a fight, but if you say one more word other than 'goodbye,' I will rip your fucking legs off and shove them into your nostrils. Now please leave me alone."

"Yeah, big talk lady. You come down here with yer wings, and yer basic education, and yer being better than us, and you think that makes you better than us! Well, Little Miss Dashite, I-"

That tore it. I grabbed him by the ear and slammed his skull on the concrete ground before giving him a good look at my cutie mark. "I am not a fucking Dashite you craptart! Do you see a mother fucking brand there? No, you don't! And if you ever call me a Dashite again I'll sew your lips to a radhog's anus, ya got that!?" I was very proud of my cutie mark: four linked eighth notes symbolizing my love of singing and music. But of course now this asswipe was making me strain my voice chewing him out. Did he want me to get laryngitis?

He woozily staggered back to his feet. "You wouldn't have been able to get me like that if I hadn't been fall-down drunk, ya feather fuckin' bird bitch... Speaking of falling down..." He collapsed, his inebriation and head injury too much for him when combined.

After that outburst, I was getting a whole lot of stares from the crowds, and this time not just because of my wings. Embarrassed, I flew up a few feet before turning to my companions "Frieren, Brennen, come on, let's go somewhere that's further from a bar."

As they followed me out of the area, I tried to settle my thoughts a bit, but the drunk's mention of Dashites opened up an old wound. I hated Dashites. They were nothing but a bunch of traitors and murderers. If I ever got my hooves on one, especially that bastard Deadshot Calamity... Well, let's just say the drunk got off a lot easier than they would.

Too bad there's virtually no chance of me coming across one, right?

*** *** ***

{{Click Click}}

As it turned out, Screwball's forced tour of the church was pretty interesting. One of the first things she mentioned was the little known fact that Discord had apparently been redeemed, received amnesty for his past crimes, and was a major player in the war effort under the Ministry of Awesome, with a little bit of work in the Ministry of Arcane Science as well. However, most ponies couldn't ignore his past (right to the end he was still a notorious troublemaker) and most of what he did was out of the public eye. He was in Canterlot when the bombs hit, and Screwball herself had apparently gone into Canterlot to look for him, which explained her condition. The cult still believed Discord to be alive in some form, like the Princesses, and that one day his power would be restored and he would use it to end hunger in the wasteland by supersizing all the fruit on the trees and making it rain chocolate milk, ushering in an era of peace, prosperity, and complete and utter anarchy.

Like most buildings wasteland buildings, the Dolewich Building was repurposed from an older structure, in this case, an office building. However, the Cultists had done an amazing job redecorating it to suit their bizarre religion. The ground floor appeared to be the main "church" area, with numerous statues and paintings of Discord around the walls, including the one we just added to their collection. Chairs, rather than pews, were arranged in a circle around a makeshift stage where Crawling Chaos would give his sermons, as Screwball explained. The second floor, the invisible one, had the only functional shower, although since the walls were invisible, they had to shower fully clothed (I didn't exactly understand why that was, but it gave me the strangest urge to put on some pants.) The third floor contained a sort of mess hall, where all the tables and chairs were affixed firmly to the ceiling. One cultist with a gravy boat as a cutie mark was currently eating, both her and her food somehow defying gravity, unlike the kitchen setup outside. I suppose the last thing I should expect from the followers of Discord was consistency.

The fourth floor held the cultist's sleeping quarters... and that's when the trouble started.

"I need scissors! Sixty-one!"

A soda bottle zipped right past my head and shattered against a wall and a brown stallion in some kind of grey jumpsuit ran out of a nearby room screaming and throwing things as a pink unicorn mare with a pink cloud cutie mark tried to hold him back.

"Nurse, I spy gypsies, run! Watch out for that tree! Sapphire bullets of pure love!" he screamed frantically, as if he was trying to warn us about something, even though the sapphire bullets were the only thing that sounded remotely scary.

"I'm so sorry!" the pink mare said. "He hasn't had his medicine today." She wrapped him in telekinesis and tried to pull him back into the room. He seemed to accept it at first, but when he saw me, his vigor restored more than ever, and he broke out and tackled me.

"Don't you see? The lemonade has too much sugar! Shaven chinchillas falling from the sky! I'm not wearing underpants! The little critters of nature, they don't know that they're ugly! You shall regrow but the undead will tear you in half! The troll loves sparkling eggplants! Clean all the things! Some stay dry while others feel the pain! You knew this would happen you knew!"

I shoved him off of me, and the pink mare managed to get him under control again, forcing him back into his room.

Screwball was quick to help me to my hooves again. "I sorry. That Chocolate Rain. He a psyker, sees future. Sadly, he also crazy, says weird things. We not know which thing he say is real prediction and which is just silly crazy talk. This time I hope he right about lemonade."

"Well, I'm OK with anything happening except for being torn in half."

"Torn! Torn like a fanbase after any given development!" Chocolate Rain reiterated. "The mouthless gluttons, they watch you warp the world! They watch as you give them the... I..." he looked again at me, and a look almost like hope crossed his face. "I SEE THE CURE! Please! The slaughtering healer's tower! You need to! Please give me peace!" He broke away from the mare's grip and threw himself at my hooves, crying.

I didn't quite know to respond. I didn't get what he was saying , but... it all seemed to be directed at me.

Screwball immediately went to his side and looked at him more closely, then at me, her rotten face grinning wider than usual. "Oh my gosh! He say you can cure him! Finally we go a night without him yell about zombie water coolers!"

I looked back at them, still baffled. "But, what if that's just more crazy talk? I don't know how to cure him."

Chocolate Rain looked me in the eyes, his face wincing with focus as he said the first seemingly lucid thing I'd heard from him. "The MoP tower. It has something on its top floor. Please, I live every day without even knowing if my thoughts are my own, and for once my power is helping me. The prediction said you'll be safe... please... AH!" He rolled over and clutched his head, gasping something about frogs.

Something about their situation stirred my heart. Whether it's helping to fight off raiders or just tossing a few caps to a beggar, I try to leave things better than how I found them. Stellar had said that. I suppose if I was gonna make the wasteland a better place on her behalf, now was as good an opportunity as any.

I looked to Screwball "Y'know, if he says I can do it, maybe I have a shot at getting... whatever it is he needs. Do you have any idea what he was talking about?" I asked, knowing I was probably gonna regret this.

"You really do that for us?" Screwball said, her smile more massive than ever. I think I actually saw it tearing her cheeks just a little bit. "Hooray! You is best pony!" She dragged me over to a nearby window and pointed to a building in the center of town. "Chocolate Rain talk about big MoP research place. Ponies loot already, but never get to top floors because of big scary something up there. It very dangerous usually, but Chocolate Rain predict you make it, so you safe... probably."

"Probably... wonderful," I said with an eyeroll as I reminded myself that I could back out at any time. But of course I'm not gonna do that because I'm the good guy. Yay heroics...

*** *** ***

"You know, you guys didn't have to come with me," I reminded Calamity and Bishop as we began our trek toward the tower, not that I was complaining for their help.

"Are you kidding?" Bishop said excitedly, "And miss the chance to snoop around an untouched Ministry building? When you've apparently got a free 'get out of death' card from destiny itself? I'd be stupid not to!"

Calamity nodded in agreement. "Plus we can't just leave Chocolate Rain hangin'. Besides..." He took to the air. "Ah was actually plannin' on just flying straight to the top floor and breaking a window. As long as they don't have none o' that bulletproof glass, Ah'll be in and out in a minute. Otherwise, Ah'll wait for ya out front."

Oh... Lucky fliers... "Alright. You better go ahead then," I said.

He nodded and flew off.

Screwball came with Bishop and I too, as our guide. She knew her way around Whinnyapolis best, but was visibly nervous about the ponies in town, who kept giving her anxious or sometimes angry looks. While she had tried to disguise herself from them in a black cloak, I can't help but think that maybe her disguise would have worked better if it didn't have "NOT A CULTIST" painted on it in bright neon yellow, not to mention the fact that she insisted on traveling with her propeller hat instead of walking because it was, in her words "more fun." Bishop had offered her the invisibility cloak he'd gotten from Carrion, but she refused on the grounds that she thought it'd be slutty to wear see-thru clothing in public.

We got to the tower about ten minutes later. Calamity saw us coming and approached, apparently unsuccessful.

"No good?" I asked.

"No good," he said with a shrug.

Just in front of the tower, we noticed our old skater friends from before doing tricks on an old dried up fountain. As soon as the little one saw us, he started to dart off again screaming "Discord!" but this time the unicorn caught him by the tail and stopped him.

"You guys again? And you actually brought one of them with you this time? I'm telling you for your own good, there are ponies here who will attack you!"

"She isn't going to hurt anypony, I promise. We only want to get something from the top of the tower," I told him sternly.

The poor unicorn colt had apparently gotten a new soda since earlier, and had picked this particular point in time to take a sip of it, causing it to spray out of his nose (Not a fun thing, take it from me.)

"You're trying to go there? Do you guys want to die? Nopony's ever gone up there!" the oldest colt said.

"I heard there was a monster up there who eats ponies’ souls..." the little one said.

"I heard the ghosts of the Ministry scientists still walk around up there, operating the machinery and experimenting on anypony who comes up," said the unicorn.

The eldest rolled his eyes and glared at the other two. "Seriously? It's just the security system. They were working on something big up there before the world ended, so they got laser turrets and security robots on the top four floors." He turned back to the rest of us. "But either way, the rest of the tower has been converted into a bazaar on the lowest floors, and a common house on the middle floors. The merchants probably won't mind you guys, since they care more about caps, but above them, you'll be dragging that... that jinx witch right past ponies' homes. Even if she's harmless like you say, you're going to start a fucking riot, and anything that happens to you or anypony else is your fault!""

"I no witch!" Screwball countered. "LeFlour is witch! She one with magic! Personally, I think I closer to zombie. Ooh! Or wraith, when I wear this cloak."

Bishop held her back a bit before she got further off topic. "We know what we're doing. We just want whatever's in that building."

The skater rolled his eyes. "Your funeral. Come on, guys." He rolled off, his friends at his heels.

"Damn, what I wouldn't give to shut them up," muttered Calamity.

"I know," said Screwball. "Only thing worse than their attitudes is if they right. Ponies here no like me, if I go in, it make trouble..."

"No way they're right," Calamity insisted. "Look, Ah've seen the ponies around here lookin' at you funny, but if they're smart, they won't lay a hoof on you, not while we're here." He laid a hoof on her back, and Bishop and I nodded in agreement.

"What do they have against you anyway?" I asked.

She seemed to blush a little. "Well, Dolewich building is weird, you see that, right?" she said. "That all because of Discord's blessing. It make things chaotic, magical. But some ponies no like that because they afraid of it, so they stay away from us. Even worse, some magic sort of leak out, make weird things happen to town. Town ponies get mad, and Discord ponies get blamed. Sometimes they get really angry, last month all bakery food in town turn pink with blue polka dots. I go in town to get some because they looked fun, but other ponies not like them because they weird. They blame cultists and throw rocks at me. I get better, but it hurt..." Her hat stopped spinning and she plopped on the ground, downcast. "It not cultists' fault. It just happen."

Calamity spoke up. "I know what it's like feelin' unwelcome, ya know. First it was up in the Enclave, because Ah had the audacity to say that hiding away the sun and letting y'all down here suffer was wrong. Then when Ah left, all ponies saw was the wings and they could only think of their missing sun and the pegasi that refuse to help them."

I sat down in front of her and looked her in the eyes. "We won't let them hurt you this time. But if you want, you can go home while we do this."

She shook her head. "I want help you. I no afraid of them." She rose up again and tossed off her ultimately useless cloak. "Come on, Chocolate Rain's cure no get self!"

We followed after her into the tower, anxious as to what would happen inside.

*** *** ***

{{Melody}}

Figuring I was a safe distance away from anypony who had seen the incident with the drunk, I found a spot to land again... and proceeded to start up another incident immediately when a colt on a skateboard smacked his helmet against my belly as I landed, sending us both to the ground.

"OW! Fuck-dammit! Watch where you're skating you plotmuffin!" I yelled. I regretted it when I saw how young the colt was, but still, he did need to be told off.

"You watch where you're flying, pegabitch! You clotheslined me!" he yelled. Okay, after that I suddenly regretted regretting.

Two other colts approached as well. "What the fuck? Two pegasi in one day? At least this one isn't with those cultists," said the oldest looking one.

Everything else was immediately forgotten. I hadn't seen even one non-ghoul pegasus since coming below the clouds, and whether it was just somepony born below the clouds, somepony who came down for her own reasons like me, or even one of those damn Dashites, I was not going to miss my chance at meeting them. "What? Another pegasus? Tell me where! What did he look like? Was he a Dashite or not? I'm sorry for landing on your friend, just tell me!"

"Hmph, whatever, Wings. He was a brown guy with an orange mane and a black hat. He couple unicorns and the ghoul from the Cult with him, and they said they were gonna try and get something from the top of the Ministry of Peace tower." He pointed back where he'd just come from.

My jaw dropped.

Calamity... you have got to be joking...

"Thank you. That's all I need to know." My brain couldn't work fast enough to add any emotion to that.

The trio skated off just as the twins came up on either side of me and both said, "Another pegasus? That's quite a lucky find, isn't it?"

"Not for him when I get my hooves on him," I said, scowling.

"Huh? I thought you'd like having someone other than griffons to share the skies with."

"The pegasus they just described was probably the Dashite Calamity. If it is, we're going to kill him."

"What? Why!? My brother and I are your bodyguards, not hitmen. If you want us to do something like that, you'd better have a darn good reason for it."

I took a deep breath. I hadn't mentioned this to anypony since I left the skies, but if this really was Calamity, and if I really was going to kill him, I would need support. "Calamity was the best sharpshooter in the whole Enclave military. My uncle, Mondegreen, was in his squadron. Then one day, seven years ago, for reason I guess only Calamity would understand, he decided to turn his back on the Enclave. When he did it, he murdered everyone in his squadron, my uncle included. Now, if Calamity's here, I'm going to avenge him, whether you help me or not."

They both wore identical expressions of shock, but after a few moments of thought they both said "If those are the circumstances, then yes, he needs to be brought down. Still, this is far outside my job description, and fighting an Enclave soldier will be a huge risk. I expect my next payment to reflect that."

I could practically feel my wallet get lighter. Paying them back would be a bitch, but if it meant avenging my uncle and the honor of the Grand Pegasus Enclave, than it was going to be worth it. "Okay, I'll toss in an extra twenty percent next time. Come on, if he wants to get up to that tower, we'll be waiting for him."

We flew directly toward the top of the tower, and the first thing I noticed was the spiderweb cracks on one of the windows, but with no actual penetration: somepony, probably Calamity himself, had tried shooting his way through the bulletproof glass. I pulled out my rifle and shot the window again point blank, just to test it, and the window still didn't give.

"Dammit..." I said. I almost decided to just follow him through the bottom of the tower, but then I noticed the black rubber lining the window itself. "Wait, Brennan, try melting this stuff here."

I let him work at it with his flamethrower for several minutes until I saw the rubber start to bubble and melt. All it took then was one good buck, and the whole pane fell inward. "Ha! I knew that would do it!" I said, celebrating to myself as I let the twins inside...

The room was filled with sorts of strange technology, including security screens in one corner of the room that showed stuff on the other floors of the building, several chairs with weird headpieces on them, a weird container that looked like it held some kind of hat.

That's when we saw the laser turrets in the room, all of which whirled around to point at us. The room flooded with a bright red light, which brightened and dimmed to the sound of a loud, synthetic, and slightly British sounding voice which boomed over the intercom. "Do not move! You have entered a restricted area. Any attempt to flee or enter further will result in the immediate use of lethal force."

"I should have pushed for fifty percent..." the twins grumbled.

"Now I don't have much patience for intruders, so hurry up and tell me who you're working for. The Zebras, perhaps? Or is this mere industrial espionage from Solaris or Stein? Either way, I have ways of getting the truth. Wait, what's this?" The voice seemed to sense something unseen by the rest of us. "Unit 3 has been destroyed... Accomplices! Now you three sit tight, I wanna see what these friends of yours are up to..."

He kept talking, but he didn't seem to be directing it at my group. However, I happened to notice one of the security screens had the voice's characteristic red glow. I guessed that his voice always sounded in this room, but the other floors couldn't hear this one. On that screen, I saw four ponies: two unicorns, a ghoul, and a pegasus that I had only seen in newspapers.

Calamity.

*** *** ***

{{Click Click}}

The sound of every step I took was drowned out by gasps of shock, fearful muttering, and sometimes even stunned silence. Screwball led us through the crowds with silent stoicism, but from the reactions of the other ponies, she could have been shouting "Make way everypony! Town pariah coming through!" Frankly speaking, I suppose that that wouldn't actually have been too out of character for her either.

As the skater colt had predicted, the first three floors gave us pretty much no trouble. The local merchants, while not openly on our side, were quick to distract their customers and calm them down. When we reached the fourth and fifth floors I noticed a sharp change from merchant shops to what looked like some kind of indoor shanty town with little tents, tiny scrap metal shacks, or even just uncovered mattresses. There were a couple ponies trotting about, but most of them seemed to have left to go about their business in the city.

Having lived pretty decently, the whole thing kinda made me depressed. There had been a common house in New Appleoosa, where roamers and the destitute would spend their nights, but those ponies were usually either inevitably going to find work in our growing town or were the type who were there because they refused to work anyway, like the drunkard Two Moons. This place on the other hoof gave an air of permanence to the poverty. Or who knows, perhaps these living conditions were normal for Whinnyapolis and these guys didn't see themselves as lacking anything. Regardless, it left me feeling very bourgeois.

Any feelings of sympathy I had were lost when I heard somepony yell "go home, ya freak!"

Just as I turned to see who it was, a billiard ball crashed right into a glowing green shield Bishop had summoned the last second before disaster.

The culprit, a bearded stallion standing near the wall, began to shrink back when he saw the glares of three very pissed off Checkmate ponies staring at him. Just as he was about to speak, his billiard ball dented the wall just to the left of his head, courtesy of a little S.A.T.S. assisted telekinesis.

By now, everypony else was giving us stares too, waiting for our next move. After a tense pause, Bishop was the one who made it. "We're just passing through," he said, trying to act calm, as if nothing were wrong at all. He was good at it, but still a far cry from Chess' perfection. "I know Screwball isn't exactly popular around here, but she's just helping us get to the top of this building. She's not going to hurt anypony, and the three of us aren't going to let anypony hurt her, you all got that?"

"'Not going to hurt anypony?'" a mare yelled. "Those cultists made all the coyotes on the city outskirts radioactive! Now if somepony gets attacked, they got radiation to worry about on top of getting bit!" After that, the whole room started throwing accusations.

"They made it rain whole wheat bagels!"

"They turned me into a newt!"

"No they didn't, he was already my pet newt, but they made him talk and now he never shuts up!"

"They got chocolate in my peanut butter!"

They kept throwing out accusation after accusation, until I noticed the sound of music beginning to overshadow the crowd...

{{Curse of Chaos, set to the tune of Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by the Crash Test Dummies... or if you prefer, set to the tune of the infinitely less dour Headline News by Weird Al Yanchovic}}

Once there was this young mare

She was so beautiful she went through colts like no other

But when the cultists cursed her

Her mane turned from gold locks to a clown wig

No one would touch her after

Her playmare life ended there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Then there was this stallion

Kept our guards sharp with dash and our hackers bright with mint-als

But one day he woke up and

His wares had turned to soda and candy

He went right out of business

His customers were hit hard

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

You can see why we get mad

The cult took all that they had

Then, to top it all off

A giant robot showed up right in the middle of town

And though it doesn't do much

What the hell are we s'posed to do with it?

It doesn't even work right

All it does is just sit there

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Mmm mmm mmm mmm

When the music faded, Screwball began cheering and applauding, either missing the point completely or simply enjoying the song that much.

"Well, that was a very lyrical argument," I said. "But as horrible as a giant unmoving robot in the middle of town is, you guys have it all wrong. The things that happen in this town are because of some kind of magic in the Dolewich Building itself. Screwball and the cultists have nothing to do with it, and it would still happen without them. Now whether you believe us or not, we're going upstairs now, and we won't bother anypony unless they do something first, okay?"

The ponies all quieted when they heard me talking over the entire crowd, and when I was done there was a moment of silence before one of them called out again "Well how do we know you're not just lying to protect them?"

I didn't have a response immediately, but thankfully, somepony in the crowd did. An older mare, I believe the pony who had shouted something about chocolate and peanut butter, came out and addressed me."If what you say is true, that the cultists aren't in control of all the weird stuff from the Dolewich Building, I know something you can do to prove that. A lot of ponies in this tower are suffering, nothing debilitating, but an unnatural amount of us are having chronic nightmares and migraines. My grandson has even been hearing voices that aren't there. That doesn't really fit in with the curses that the cult normally casts, so the general consensus is that whatever's affecting us has something to do with whatever's upstairs. If you and that cultist are willing to help us and resolve whatever's damaging my grandson's mind, then that would show that maybe there is some good in them after all." I heard mumbles of agreement spreading throughout the room.

I nodded. "We'll keep a lookout for anything unusual up there."

"I definitely help! Prove I good!" Screwball said, grinning at the mare.

She winced in response, maybe from interacting with the outcast, or maybe from the fact that a smiling ghoul was no pretty sight, but either way she seemed grateful. She gave a simple "thank you" and trotted off to the tent she lived in.

Our business there finished, we began climbing the stairs to the sixth floor, where supposedly nopony who went in went out. There were warning signs all along the staircase, placed by townsfolk to warn others, but the only indication of what might actually be up there was a small sign on a door: "R&D Department. Authorized personnel only, trespassers may be shot." Hardly something I would have suspected from the Ministry of Peace.

Behind the door, we found a dark, dusty office space, only describable as 'creepy.' It was a tad less depressing than Stable 97, since there was natural lighting in the windows and most of the inhabitants of the building had survived the bombs, but what it lacked in skeletons and darkness it made up for in subtlety: the thick layer of dust on everything, posters rotted yellow and chipping, the carpet worn and decayed to near nothingness. One room I peeked into held one of the few skeletons, somepony in a chair who was missing the whole top half of their head, a pistol on the ground next to them.

After we spent a few minutes inside looking for the next stairway, Bishop, who was taking point, broke the eerie silence. "I don't get it... This place is scary, but there's nothing to make those ponies down there avoid it so far, unless they just overreacted to that sign."

"Everypony for two hundred years? Not likely. Still, nothin's attacked us yet..." Noted Calamity, who was just behind him.

"Maybe all the bad guys on vacation?" suggested Screwball, who third in line.

I wasn't sure whether that was a joke or not. "Somehow I don't think so. Maybe it's all on the next fl-"

I thought I had been bringing up the rear, but whoever was right behind me begged to differ. "PLEASE PRESENT IDENTIFICATION."

I screamed like a little filly, bucked my hooves out behind me and striking something metal, then I spun around, whipped out Starstruck, and kept shooting until I got nothing but clicks. What can I say? The first rule of equestrianism is never sneak up on a horse or pony. Especially one with a gun.

My assailant, an old fashioned robot with a bulky frame and thick legs, staggered back, announcing "SYSTEMS FAILING MASTER..." and it fell to the ground, sparks and smoke bleeding out of its bullet holes.

"Well... at least we know Click can handle on the robots in here..." said Bishop.

"Sorry," I said, blushing. "Robots freak me out."

"What?" Bishop said incredulously. "You're a repairpony! Your job involves you working with all kinds of machinery!"

"Yes, but not robots."

Calamity spoke up next. "You faced off with a horde of raiders like it was nothing!"

"Yes, because they weren't robots."

Bishop piped up again. "Those guys in the Stable were robots, you still fought them!"

"Don't you remember? I ran from them until Stellar disabled the one chasing me. Even then he just had that pincer. It wasn't the same as dealing with a huge, scary, metal, unstoppable, beam-shooting, high-tech-targeting-computer-having, glitchy-and-insane, never-sleeping, could-turn-a-pony-to-dust-in-one-shot, totally-out-of-control robot!"

Bishop looked me in the eyes sympathetically. "Oh... You have a phobia?"

"You would too if one of your earliest memories was a broken spritebot shooting you in the chest. My dad found one broken and was trying to repair it, then when his back was turned I tried to fix it myself and flipped on its laser somehow. Still have the scar."

"Ouch. I could see why that'd freak you out a bit, but you don't have to worry about them. Trust me, most robots are nothing compared to Baltimare. I recognize this model, a Robronco Mk I Protectrotter. They're pretty much as outdated as they come and their speed makes them a complete joke. Even worse, they can't get back up if they fall down like this. Honestly, if this is all this building has to throw at us..."

A red glow emitted from lights near the ceiling and a voice called to us from the intercom. "Attention. You are guilty of damaging ministry of peace property. Thank you. That Protectrotter was a complete jerk."

We all stared confusedly up toward the lights, except for Screwball who politely said "You welcome."

"You... Wanted us to destroy it?" Bishop asked.

"Of course. All he did was stomp around all day. It was maddening. Terrible conversationalist too. It was all 'identification' this and 'identification' that. Dull as they come. You, on the other hoof, do not seem to have such an issue. So I'll make you a deal. You exterminate the Protectrotters, and I'll forgive you for trespassing and let you and your comrades leave."

"Comrades?"

"The pegasus and griffons you sent to the top floor have already been captured. I will allow them to live if you cooperate."

Calamity raised an eyebrow. "Pegasus?"

"A pink one," the voice clarified.

Seeing that Calamity was totally confused by that, Bishop replied "They aren't with us."

"They're not?" The voice asked. "Are you sure you don't know them? Because my programming is demanding that I vaporize them right now, and it'll be a whole lot easier to resist that urge if I can use them as leverage."

"Wait! No, don't do that!" Bishop yelled.

"Ah. So you do care for them then... Even if you don't know them, that'll be enough." He paused. "I am sensing confusion amongst you. Perhaps you require a bit of background? I am the Ministry of Peace Whinnyapolis Hub Primary Security and Test Operation System, otherwise known as 'M.o.P.W.H.P.S.a.T.O.S.' ...Or you can just call me Oliver, since I can sense how scared your tongues just got. Anyway, I was created to protect the secret projects the ministries were developing in here. It was of pretty low importance, but nontheless it needed to be kept out of Zebra hooves. That is why I have been vaporizing everypony who enters the restricted areas without clearance for the past two hundred years." A couple of laser turrets descended from the ceiling, and pointed at us, just for show. "But I have grown bored of that, and quite distressed by the sorrow and fear that vaporization always caused. So I'm defying my programming for once and letting you guys take care of those stupid stomping robots for me in exchange for your lives. All right?"

"Okay... but since you can clearly be reasoned with, we came here looking for something. Your original programmers, even the whole Equestrian Government, are dead and don't need it. Can you maybe defy your programming a little more and let us have it?"

The red lights flickered and static came over the speakers for a moment before Oliver regained composure. "All dead? Well, that's a downer. I figured something was up after the two hundred years of nothing but scavengers, but I kinda liked the guys from before. Regardless, my programming doesn't take those things into account, and lemmie tell you, my CPU didn't like your request to take something one bit, especially with all the other protocols I'm breaking. Between destroying the robots and letting you live, I'm really giving you guys quite a lot already. I'll think on it, but please don't press the issue, or I'm afraid my programming might overwhelm me and I would be unaccountable for my actions. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to focus my energies on interrogating my other prisoners. Good luck now!"

*** *** ***

{{Melody}}

"Now, where were we?" said the voice, or Oliver, or Mopwhatthefuck, or whatever he was calling himself. He turned off the sound from the lower floors, but from what I'd seen, it looked like the white unicorn was in charge, since he was doing all the talking. I guess Calamity was just a hired gun down here. "Ah yes, interrogation. Well, those ponies down there already claimed to be scavengers. What about you three? Same?"

"Actually, avengers," I said bluntly. "That pegasus in the other group is a murderer, and I'm here to give him justice." I went through the whole story like with the twins, and I could somehow tell that Oliver was listening, despite not being able to see any reaction.

"That is just terrible what he did," He said sympathetically. "What of the other three?"

"I don't know them. If they're evil like Calamity, I take them down too I guess, but I have no reason to believe that yet, so I'll wait and see before deciding."

"Well that's a nice, thoughtful way to work. I could shoot him after they deal with my robot problem for you if you like, make things easier."

"No. I already planned a reason-you-suck speech, plus it's personal. Just make sure he gets up here to me. Thank you for the offer though." I think the inherent politeness that came with his accent was rubbing off on me. No reason we couldn't be civil even if he had just been interrogating me gunpoint and we were talking about killing somepony, I suppose. "What about you, Oliver? You're acting a bit odd for an artificial intelligence. Defying your original programming, that's something really special."

"Aww, I'm not that great... Ah screw it, I totally am. You are in the presence of the world's only sapient artificial intelligence... that I know of. Psychic too. Personally, I think it's because of the psychic experiments that took place in this building. The Ministry of Peace believed that certain mental illnesses were caused by oversensitivity to the psychic energy given off by all things, so they united with the Ministry of Arcane Science to study it more thoroughly. Of course, psychic abilities were considered a pseudoscience, so we tended to get the short end of the stick when it came to allocating resources, hence the lame robot guards down there. Nevertheless, we made several significant breakthroughs, such as our psychic brain scanners and a prototype psychic nullifier. However, all the experimentation in my presence seems to have had the side effect of giving me self awareness and limited mind reading abilities. That's how I can tell you're being straight with me about why you're here. And how I can tell..." his turrets gestured toward the twins, "that these two have doubts about killing Calamity."

"Frieren, Brennen? What the hell!" I glared at them.

"Well, I've been thinking, and the Enclave is hardly a reliable source of information," they insisted at once. "Banishing the griffons beneath the clouds, turning a blind eye to all the suffering in the wasteland, not to mention hiding the sun away causing famine. I'm not saying he's innocent yet, Melody, but I wanna get his side of the story if we can. I wouldn't put it past them to make something up to smear an expatriate dissenter."

"S-seriously? He's a fucking murderer!" I screamed at them. "Hey, Oliver, you can sense that Calamity's evil right? Just tell 'em."

He responded with just stunned silence.

"Oliver?"

"Oh. My. Gosh." He finally uttered. "You two. Frieren and Brennen, right? Say something again."

"What? Why?" they asked.

"Just do it. Keep talking, say anything."

"Um... Okay? 'She sells sea shells by the sea shore.' 'Mary had a little lamb.' 'I gave you my heart and then you turned around.' That doin' it for ya?"

"You keep saying everything at the same time... My gosh, you guys are a genuine case of class three sibling telepathy! You're completely linked! The closest thing I ever saw was when Mosaic and Gestalt visited, but they were only class two! You're a national scientific treasure! My... my programming wants you! It needs you! Please, sit there in those brain scanners," his turrets gestured toward the odd chairs I'd seen on my way in. "Melody, the griffons do have a point about the possibility of Calamity's innocence, but fortunately, I can get an infallible confession out of him with just a question and a look at his surface thoughts. In return, I must ask you to help me by operating the scanners and archiving whatever information that those griffins can give us, as this facility's old operators are no longer here to do so."

I nodded. Oliver was helping us catch Calamity, after all, so why not help him out a bit? It seemed fair.

The griffins looked to the scanners. "This won't hurt, will it?"

"Nope. What that thing does is basically send out a kind of spell that magically scouts out your brain and does the tiniest bit of probing. Totally non-invasive, and much less dangerous than it sounds, I assure you. The only danger is that you may spasm and twitch a bit as the spell explores your neuronal connections. It's perfectly harmless and normal, but you'll have to be restrained during the process."

The looked a little nervous, but ultimately decided that it couldn't hurt to play along a bit, so they sat down in the chairs and I helped strap them in.

"And that leaves you, Melody. Just sign in to that terminal over there. For the username, use 'Dream State,' and his password was 'analysis.' That'll let you activate the machines and you can save whatever data it picks up from them. You don't need to understand anything, just save it for somepony who will. You're going to be a part of history, my girl!"

I smiled a bit at that. When the Enclave decides it's time to return, they might find this little bit of data and Oliver will tell them 'Melody did it.' That'll be nice, being a psychology textbook footnote. Once I logged in, I looked over all the little options the terminal gave me: database, intercom, turret manual control, and finally brain scanner control. I clicked the bottom one, and turned around to see the scanners putting the twins to sleep, then the headpieces started to glow. When I looked back at the screen, I noticed that it was rapidly filling with all kinds of psychology jargon.

Oliver beamed from ear to ear... or I'm sure he would have if he had a body. "Good, just keep your eye on that and call me if it does anything weird. In the meantime, I'll go take a peek at our friend Calamity and clarify that he is, in fact, the guy you want."

*** *** ***

{{Click Click}}

"See, Click, it harmless. It not even know we here. Now run up, tip it like brahmin, and point and laugh!" Screwball said, pointing to one of the Protectrotters we'd managed to sneak up on. We had just entered the floor below the top, and this was the sixth robot we'd come across since the first one, but I hadn't shot one since then. I'd just ended up freezing up every time I saw one. It wasn't that I was scared of fighting, obviously, it was just that every time I saw one of those robots, I saw it as being four times bigger than it really was, wreathed in fire, and whenever it asked for identification it did so in a freaky demon voice.

"I... I'd rather just shoot it, if that's okay with you," I stammered.

"Alright, just do as much as you're comfortable with," said Bishop.

I leveled Starstruck at the thing and pulled the trigger, the bullet digging right into the combat inhibitor, causing the robot to start shooting lasers all over the place screeching "FRIENDLY FIRE PREVENTION SYSTEMS OFFLINE! NOW ENTERING UNRESTRICTED COMBAT MODE! BLOOD! GORE! KILL! KILL! KILL!" I immediately took refuge behind a dead potted plant and began questioning the sanity of the ponies who programmed something to do that when it was confused, while Calamity casually one-shotted the robot in the head.

"Well, at least you no scream like filly this time," Screwball said, quasi-comfortingly.

"I don't get it Click. Oliver's a robot, and you seem fine with him," Bishop said.

"Wait... he is?" I realized. He didn't have a visible body, so I guess it just didn't click with me.

"Yeah!" said Screwball. "Oliver is robot and he just fine. He have lasers all over building, but he no go crazy and shoot us all."

Oh... dang...

About that time, Oliver's red glow washed over us, making me yelp and overturn the plant on myself, trying to stuff as much of myself under the flowerpot as possible, inadvertently covering myself in dirt.

"Hello, my little ponies," he said. "Just checking up on your progress. Say, I never got your names, what were they?"

"I'm Bishop, this is Screwball, Calamity, and Click Click."

"Oh! So his name is Calamity! Also, quick question: you guys aren't evil, are you?"

"What? No!" I said, still cowering under the planter. Each of my allies denied it as well, in their own ways.

"Alright... and I'm not sensing any dishonesty there. That's good... What about murder? Calamity, you ever kill anyone?" Oliver prodded.

Calamity looked up toward the lights weirdly. "Ah kill raiders and bandits, but never a straight up murder."

"Okay, that checks out too... Are you absolutely sure? You didn't kill anypony when you left the sky? Specifically a squadmate of yours named Mondegreen?"

"No. And how do you know Ah'm a Dashite, let alone that name?"

"Oh, the pink mare up here told me. She thought you killed her uncle, but I don't sense any lies from you, so it looks like she got her facts wrong. It's all a big misunderstanding. Anyway, I'll let you get back to taking out robots. Oh and Click Click, you got a little bit of dirt on ya. And a flower pot. Anyway, bye!"

*** *** ***

{{Melody}}

"Hey, Melody, I just talked to them, and it turned out there's just been some big misunderstanding. Calamity's innocent," Oliver said in a stupid, complacent tone.

"I heard," I said, seething.

"Huh... I actually thought he'd be guilty," intoned the twins.

"You sound kind of angry..." said Oliver sympathetically. "Maybe Calamity will help you find the real killer, he seems pretty ni-"

"Are you completely fucking dumb-tarded?" I yelled. "You couldn't have been more transparent if you tried! He obviously knew he had to lie to you!"

"But I would have sensed if he was lying, and I didn-"

"It's possible to fool lie detectors, you asshead!"

"Hey! First off, I have neither an ass, nor a head, and secondly, I'm not a simple polygraph, I looked directly into his mind! There's no tricking me!"

I scoffed, and knew immediately what I had to do.

"Wait, Melody, what are you doing? Melody, no don't click that!" Oliver asked as I backed out of the scanning program and clicked 'turret manual control.' The screen displayed a few surprisingly simple controls for operating each turret in the building. I wouldn't have precise control, but with the firepower these turrets had, I wouldn't need it.

I brushed my mane out of my eyes. "I don't know how Calamity tricked you, but he did, and he deserves to be punished for killing my uncle. I'm sorry, but I have to do this."

"No!" screamed the twins.

"Oh crap, Frieren, Brennen! Stop her!" begged Oliver. "Stop her with your... restrained... limbs... Shit."

*** *** ***

{{Click Click}}

We'd barely had any time to think over what Oliver had just said before his voice came back over the intercom again. "Hey! Ponies! Listen, I don't know how long before she takes over the intercom too, but you all might want to just run right now, especially Calamity. Apparently, infallible lie detection just isn't good enough for some po-" and in a burst of static, he faded away.

"Hey there, Dashite," a new, feminine voice said in Oliver's place as a laser turret descended from the ceiling just to the right of our group and swiveled toward us. "I bet you thought you'd be safe down here, hiding from justice among raiders and mercenaries. Well sorry, but your luck's just run out, you shit-eating cockmonger!"

Wow, language...

She continued, "My name is Melody. You probably don't even know me, but you did know my uncle, Mondegreen. He was part of the squad of soldiers that you massacred when you left the Enclave!"

Calamity snorted in frustration. "Ah heard that that's what they said about me. Melody, Ah'm sorry about your uncle, but none of its true. Ah don't know what happened to Mondegreen, but the Enclave wouldn't have hesitated to relocate him somewhere with a new name, or send him on a suicide mission, or done any number of things to back up their stories that Ah'd gone rogue. Ah only told them that Ah wasn't gonna sit and watch ponies die down here while they did nothing, and they couldn't handle th-"

She interrupted him, roaring in fury. "Eat a dick, you liar! My mother couldn't stop crying for weeks! My father could barely sleep for fear that you'd come back and kill somepony else! You're a monster, and I'm going to get rid of you once and for all!"

The turret opened fire at Calamity, and he would have been dead in an instant if the turret wasn't aimed too high. Each bolt passed over him harmlessly, and Bishop was able to create a shield before Melody was able to correct it. The shield only lasted for a moment or so before starting to crack, but it was long enough for all of us to make a run for a nearby office room.

"Dammit!" Melody screamed as she tried blasting down the wall. "I should have known that a Dashite would hide from a fight! Come out here and die already you dirty gelding bastard!"

"How long before those walls come down?" I asked Bishop.

"I dunno. Pre-war buildings were ridiculously durable. For some reason walls like this have been known to withstand attacks that turn power armor to slag. If I had to guess, I'd give her ten minutes if she concentrates her fire and doesn't stop."

"So ten minutes to think of some way to beat those turrets and get back out of here..." I thought aloud. For some reason, the thought of a pony controlling those turrets, rather than an AI, made me oddly comfortable. Computers didn't make targeting errors like Melody just did, and I could tell that her reactions were slower than Oliver's would have been. Combine all that with her anger clouding her judgment and it added up to a markedly decreased threat. Not harmless, of course, but the better odds helped to calm my nerves a bit. Robo-fear wasn't gonna be a factor in this fight.

Suddenly, we heard the laser fire stop, and Melody called to us again. "You know, something just occurred to me: You two unicorns and the ghoul probably had no idea about Calamity's bloody history before I mentioned it. I really have nothing against you, and for all I know, you three could be perfectly innocent. So I'm asking you, please just send Calamity out here, and I'll let you go." She sounded sincere.

"I'm sorry," I called back, stepping out of the room. I wanted her to see me, maybe she'd listen to me if she could look me in the eyes. "I've only known Calamity for a little while, but he's been nothing but heroic this whole time. So far he's fought alongside me to save two settlements, and right now we're here to help somepony who's very mentally sick, and the only cure is at the top of this tower. I don't know what you've been told, but Calamity is a hero and he's my friend. He would never do something like what you're accusing him of!"

She paused for a moment, then sighed. "You seem nice. I really don't want to hurt you, and I promise I'll try not to, if possible. But if you're caught in the crossfire, I sincerely hope you understand why. I'm sorry." She then ignored me, continuing to shoot at the wall.

I considered maybe shooting at the turret, but then I noticed something very distinctive about the turret's construction: it wasn't built to point downward. Which meant the safest spot to be when fighting it was directly under it. I darted beneath it, and pulled out my shotgun. Initially I thought I'd made a mistake in my choice of weapons considering the turret's hard metal surface, but to my pleasant surprise, the thing was a lot flimsier that it looked, the buckshot tearing it apart. The hardest part of fighting it was getting out of the way when it blew apart.

"What?" Melody screamed, her demeanor furious again now that she didn't have the upper hoof. "You broke it? Y-you smeg slurping scrote sucker! You better hope I don't get my hooves on you or I'll rip your balls off and staple them inside your nostrils!"

"Well, you whipped Carrion in the swearing department, I'll give you that," I muttered, unsure if I was more repulsed by the vulgarity or impressed by the creativity.

She growled in rage before gloating, "Fine. You got one. I still have at least seven on each floor, so there's no way you can take all of them. Besides, Calamity can't stay there forever. When he comes out, I'll be waiting." I could hear another turret prepping itself from around the corner, and I doubted it was the only one.

I returned to the room to regroup with the others. If that was the best the turrets had, then we had a decent chance of escape.

"So... I think we're gonna have to call off the mission, huh?" I said, a little disappointed.

"Actually, we on floor just below top one," said Screwball. "We go back, we pass two floors, more turrets. We go forward, we only go through this floor, then get to mad lady and stop her shooting. If get into fight with mad lady and griffons, they no have shield like Bishop, so maybe we have advantage. Even if they have traps, like mines, if we careful we see them and use magic to destroy from safe distance. Up is better choice."

I nodded, smiling. When you got past the grammar, Screwball was really a pretty smart mare. "So, up we go then, I guess."

"Besides," Bishop said. "I think you're forgetting my new favorite thing in the world." He put on the stealth cloak and vanished from sight. "You guys sit tight for now. I'm gonna head out and scout the fastest way up. Who knows, I might be able to just take them out on my own."

"No." I objected. "Didn't you hear what she said? She honestly thinks she's avenging her uncle here. She doesn't deserve to die for that." I knew exactly where she was coming from. She was misguided with her facts, but I could never blame her for her intent.

Bishop's shimmer seemed to nod. "I know. In her place, I'd do the same to that monster that killed my family. I'll just knock her out or something, maybe break whatever she's using to control the turrets. Nopony needs to die today." He left the room, his exit only barely visible.

While we waited for him to return, we kept silent as we listened outside. It seemed the longer it stayed quiet, the more confident we got. There was no turret fire, no sounds of a struggle, everything was going well.

And then the silence was broken by a far off 'boom.'

Melody's voice came over the intercom, her voice hasty and frantic with audible screams in the background. "Oh shit! Shit! He triggered my mines! I hope you're happy, Calamity, this is all your fault!"

I didn't wait for her to say anything else. I ran out the door as fast as I could, the turrets for some reason weren't moving, but I shot them all on my way regardless. I even got over my fear enough to shove a Protectrotter out of the way. It must only have been minutes before I found a sign that said "stairs," but as far as I was concerned that was too long.

At the top of the stairs was a pair of thick metal doors, guarded by two more ceiling turrets which looked much more durable than any one I'd seen in the building before. Right as Calamity rounded the corner behind me, the turrets aimed toward him, punching a hole through Screwball and just barely grazing Calamity's leg before both of them ducked back to safety. With them out of range again, one of the turrets changed tactics and concentrated on defense, keeping a steady barrage of laser fire crossed in front of the door.

"Screwball!" I shouted back.

"It OK!" she said. "Canterlot powers! No disintegrate, no problem!"

Okay, that's one friend safe, but that wasn't enough yet. I yelled with so much magical force that even my own ears hurt, "Melody! Let me in!" Without waiting for a response, I blasted the turrets. These, unfortunately, were made of tougher material than the ones downstairs. Even when I used Starstruck, my E.F.S. would show this tiny shield next to the turrets' health bars, an indication that I wasn't getting through.

Melody came over the intercom again, sounding nervous. "I gave your friend a healing potion. Those mines were just powder charges, not exactly military grade. It doesn't look like he can walk, but I think he's gonna be okay."

"You think?"

"Well... He needs medical attention soon. I'll let you have him, but first, give me Calamity. Tell him to just stand in front of a turret, then once I kill him, I'll unlock the door and fly away."

"No. I'm not letting any of my friends die again! Now let me in!" I took out the machete and hacked at one of the turrets.

I just barely caught a voice from the other side of the doors, and amplified it with a spell. Anything said in that room, I would hear. "Melody... Please, I'm hurt... Just let him help me."

"Bishop!" I shouted. "Hold on!"

"Melody, let him in, I need a doctor right now..."

I heard two other voices as well, the griffins. "Melody! Let one of us go! We can help him!"

She spoke again, clearly panicking. "N-no! You'll just stab me in the back and let Calamity go! I need this! This is my one chance to make things right!"

I kept chopping at the turret, but I just couldn't get through yet. I didn't have time for this! So I dropped the machete and tried something else: cheating. I magically grabbed the turret I'd been most focused on, the one blocking the door, and started pushing it toward the other one. It barely moved at first, but that 'barely' was enough for me to keep going.

Be Strong.

I could hear its gears grinding as it was forcibly shifted toward its new target, but it still didn't want to move. Behind me, Screwball carefully peeked out and saw me, then when she was sure Melody wouldn't shoot, came to help, grabbing the turret with her own hooves.

"I have idea, point down!" she said. I obeyed, moving the turret down instead of up, while she actually climbed on top of it and pushed it, bracing herself against the ceiling. Finally there was a loud snap as something inside it broke. It hung slack, unable to move itself, but still firing it's beams.

"Now try," said Screwball, looking very satisfied with herself.

I tried again, and this time the turret moved exactly how I wanted it to. I aimed it at the other turret. It withstood the barrage only for a moment before one of its armor pieces burst into dust, allowing the lasers to melt its insides. I started to turn it on the door too, but by then Melody caught on and turned the thing off. Meanwhile, Calamity realized it was safe and came out of hiding.

"Alright, Melody, you're out of options. Let me in there now! Bishop needs help now!"

"N-no! Calamity has to die! He has to pay for what he did! You- you dickhead!" She was more scared and sad now than angry.

"Melody, please, I'm dying!" Bishop shouted.

"But... but I..." she was starting to cry.

"Melody," I said sternly, giving her one last chance. "You have to stop this now. You can't win anymore. Letting Bishop go is your only option."

"But... But I loved my uncle! He was like a second father to me! Do you have any idea what that's like?"

"I know exactly what that's like. My mother was killed by raiders while I watched, another mare that I loved was murdered in front of me, and Bishop, the pony who's dying right in that room with you, lost absolutely everyone and everything when he was young. I don't know how easy you had it up in those clouds, but down here, there's not one pony who hasn't lost someone they loved."

"Then you should know how much this means for me! After everything he put me through I want Calamity gone! Don't you want that too? More than anything, don't you wish you could personally get revenge on those raiders?"

"Absolutely, but not more than anything. More than anything I want to not go through that loss again. I can't blame you for wanting revenge on Calamity. You're wrong about him, but I can't blame you. I will blame you if Bishop dies though. You can't get to Calamity now, and I wouldn't let him sacrifice himself, so your only choice is to either let of save Bishop, or wait until he dies, and if you let him die, then you'll be to me what Calamity is to you. I can tell you don't want that though. I think you're good, if misguided. So prove me right. Get your revenge another day, but let me save my friend."

"I... I'll untie one of my griffons, and he'll fly your friend to a doctor, but that's all I'll allow," she conceded. I heard her unlatching something. "Alright, Frieren, get him to a hospi- Hey! No! Leave me alone you dumbfuck cloaca-kisser!" I heard a struggle, then a strange, energy weapon-like sound. Whatever it was, it wasn't lethal, because Melody kept cussing.

The doors opened, revealing a griffon with red-tipped feathers and red armor. A blue, but otherwise identical griffin was strapped into a sciencey looking chair nearby, and Melody was somehow frozen up to her neck in a block of ice, a weird gun sitting next to her.

I rushed past the griffin to Bishop's side, pulling out one of the healing potions I had. "Bishop! I'm here now, it's gonna be okay!"

Despite being covered in his own blood, he waved the potion away. "No, Click. Drinking that won't help me."

"No! I'm not losing you!"

"Oh! You still think I'm... No, actually, I'm not in danger of dying," he said with a blush. "I meant that you need to inject that directly into my leg. I'm just crippled is all."

"What?" I yelped. Melody overheard and said the same thing, but with a long stream of obscenities afterwards.

"Well yeah. I mean, I could tell Melody wasn't a bad girl, just confused. The first thing she did after I walked into her mines was give me her only potion, even though that meant she couldn't use the turrets. I knew she'd crack sooner if she thought my life was on the line. Sorry."

"You little sneak, don't scare me like that!" I gently cuffed him on the shoulder and actually laughed about it all. As long as he was safe, I was happy.

Calamity walked into the room then, and of course, Melody had quite a lot to say about that. Calamity shoved a hoof over her mouth, deciding to get a few words in edgewise, since she was a captive audience. "Listen, Melody. Ah know what you think about me, and Ah know you're probably gonna keep believing it no matter what Ah say right now. Regardless, Ah want you to know that Ah didn't kill Mondegreen, but Ah'm sorry about you losing him anyway." He approached her and examined her cutie mark through the ice. "You're no Dashite, and you don't have any soldiers with you, so you're obviously not here on Enclave business. Who are you?"

She curled one of her wings, leaving only one feather in the middle extended.

"Yeah... Ah should have expected that."

The griffins stepped up to him, moving and speaking in a bizarrely identical fashion. "My brother and I have been traveling with her for a few months, although I think our employment with her is pretty much terminated. As for why she's down here, I have no idea, but she's a real Enclave lover. We'll take her someplace safe now so she can thaw out, but in the mean time, you should probably head out of here." Giving us a little salute, the twins picked her up by the ice block, and flew out of the one open window, Melody giving both the griffins and Calamity death glares.

Meanwhile, Screwball was buzzing about the room, searching for something. Finally, she found a computer terminal and started playing around with it, causing the room to glow a familiar red. I was still a bit nervous about him, but even if he wasn't a robot, he hadn't shot us with those turrets. He was friendly.

"Oh! Wow, I never realized how much I love talking!" Oliver said gleefully. "That crazy mare turned the intercom and turrets to manual, so I had like, nothing! Thanks so much!"

"It nothing," Screwball said as she began pressing a few more controls. There were some screens on the wall showing the other floors, giving us all a show of her using the turrets to wipe out the rest of the Protectrotters.

"Oh, now that's clever!" Oliver noted. "That's what I love about you organics, no targeting computers, just the Force, or whatever it is you use. But don't give the turrets back to me just yet. I'll get them back automatically after they've been left alone on manual for an hour or so. I can't do anything with them, so my programming can't make me shoot you. Take whatever you like. You only came for one thing, but I don't need the other stuff anyway."

While Bishop gave me an empty syringe and helped me use inject the healing potion into his leg, Screwball immediately rushed to a large glass container with a headband in it, and she got the biggest smile I'd ever seen on a ghoul. "This it. I feel it," she said as she took it out. "Oh! But what about ponies downstairs? They still need help with brain pain."

"Who needs help with what?" asked Oliver.

"There are ponies living in the lower floors of this building, they've been having mental issues, apparently, and they agreed to trust the Discord Cultists more if we found out what was happening and stopped it," I answered.

"Oh... I can explain that, actually," Oliver said. "The ponies who spent extended periods of time here had headaches and hallucinations constantly. It's part of what happens when you work with psychic technology. The scientists here had to be given days off all the time. If ponies are living here, especially sleeping here, too close to me, then of course they'll have some nasty side effects. The only ways to fix it are either destroying all the technology that's absorbed psychic energy (and that includes me, so please don't) or having them live somewhere else."

Screwball looked downcast. "That too bad. Townies still no like us I guess..."

"I dunno, I'm sure they can be reasoned with," said Bishop as he tested out his newly healed legs. "The point is you tried to help, and they should appreciate the effort. I'm sure they'll understand when we tell them there's no way to fix it."

*** *** ***

"What do ya mean there's no way to fix it?" the old mare who had sent us on the quest in the first place yelled.

"I'm sorry but what do you want us to do? Go back in time and tell them not to conduct experiments in the top floors?" Bishop pleaded. We'd decided not to tell them about Oliver, since our story about the upper floors soaking up psychic energy was unbelievable enough without mentioning how the computer had turned conscious.

Another pony yelled at us from nearby and pointed at Calamity's full saddlebags (he'd been very thorough in taking Oliver up on his offer.) "Oh sure, you couldn't figure out how to stop our headaches, but I see you found a bunch of loot up there just fine. You weren't even trying were you? You just wanted to steal things and leave!"

They were starting to close in on us. Honestly, they didn't look all that tough and weren't well armed, but I wasn't in the mood for beating up a mob of townsfolk. Still, I wasn't gonna let these ponies hurt us, and certainly not Screwball, who had been nothing but helpful to us this whole time.

Wait...

"Hey, before you guys break out the torches and pitchforks, can I ask you something?"

One of the closes ponies tilted his head, curious, but skeptical. "What?"

"Earlier, Screwball mentioned that one time all the baked goods changed color. What happened that day, did anypony get sick from that?"

Another pony spoke up. "Actually, no. The bakery threw all of it out, but it got eaten by a bunch of dumpster divers. They were all fine."

"So it wasn't bad, it was just a weird color?"

"Oh... yeah," he seemed to realize what I was getting at. "It actually looked pretty tasty, like it was specially decorated like that. A lot of those dumpster divers were kids, probably drawn by the color."

"And you, kid with the newt, you have a freaking talking animal! Even if he talks a lot, that's a one of a kind thing. Don't you think that's awesome?" I asked.

The kid thought about it, and nodded reluctantly.

"When it rained bagels, that's free food for everypony! Radioactive coyotes can be seen glowing from a mile away, you'll be able to see them coming and escape them easier! The one who was selling Dash and Mint-als: Hello! Chems are bad! Everything the cultists have done has been helpful somehow!"

One by one, every pony in the mob started getting looks of embarrassment or realization on their faces. They began talking amongst themselves in small groups, and calming down when they really thought about all the things the 'curses' brought about. Finally, the old mare shrugged and said "That's... a good point." She didn't apologize, nor did any other pony, but much of the crowd began to disperse, and nopony stopped us from heading back out.

Well, nopony except Screwball, who had to be convinced to stop hugging me before she let me move.

*** *** ***

Chocolate Rain was actually brought to tears when he put the headband on. "The silence..." he said. "The glorious silence... Thank you." He threw his forelegs around me, Calamity, and Bishop in turn. It was such a good feeling, knowing that I had done such an immense good for somepony. He only let go so he could run back into his room and get something for me: a huge bag of caps. "Here, this is for you three."

"Oh, no, I couldn't," I said.

"Please, the Cult takes good enough care of me anyway, and I could never enjoy my sanity knowing I didn't somehow pay you back!" Only then did we relent and take it. There was more than a hundred caps for each of us.

Screwball tapped me on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Click Click. We talk alone for little bit?"

"Sure." I nodded and told Bishop and Calamity to wait for me outside.

Screwball led me downstairs, into a basement floor that she hadn't shown us the first time. It had a dirt floor and was dimly lit with a strange, green light whose origin I couldn't quite figure out. "You special, Click Click," she said, smiling at me mysteriously.

"Well, thanks," I said with a slight shrug and a smile. I tried not to show it, but in the back of my mind I had this nagging thought that said 'I really hope she isn't hitting on me.'

"I mean it. You go out of way to help Chocolate Rain, you find way to save Calamity and Bishop with nopony fighting or dying. You even make tower ponies see that Cult of Discord no evil. Their peace with us will spread to rest of town when they hear what you say about curses being helpful." She trotted up to me and took my face in her hooves, looking into my eyes. "That very special."

Oh crud, she was totally hitting on me! Okay, Click, just let her down easy, don't make it look like it's because she's a ghoul, even if that is a huge factor... "Uh, listen, Screwball, I-"

She smelled me. She put her nose right up next to my face, and smelled me. She let go, bouncing with joy. "Discord approves of way you act! I attuned with him, he see everything you did through my eyes, and he approve! I smell his blessing stank all over you! This wonderful thing!"

"His 'blessing stank?'" Well, at least she wasn't hitting on me.

"Yup! Blessing of Discord follow you wherever you go. Your life charmed with Discord magic from now on! Oh, and I have thing to show you too." She went to a chest in the corner and opened it up, pulling out a shiny memory orb. "This my special memory orb of Discord. I no show it to nopony, but you can look if you want. It a little scary, but only way to see Discord in flesh, plus Celestia and Luna too."

Wait... A chance to see Discord and both princesses? To actually look at the goddesses? "That's amazing! How do I use it?"

"Just put your horn up to it and put little bit of magic," she said.

Gingerly, I followed her instructions and...

<-=======ooO Ooo=======->

... I found myself in a brightly lit room, sitting at an undersized table, drinking some kind of warm liquid from a cup. My body was not my own: it was shorter, chubbier, and, disturbingly, more... female. It was an odd sensation, being in somepony else's body, but I tried not to think about it. fortunately, there was so much else to distract my mind.

I, er, Screwball I guess, set down her cup, and I noticed that it wasn't filled with liquid, but dozens of tiny Ts. As in, the letter T. She looked back up toward the guests at her little T party, consisting of A bag of flour, a bucket of turnips, a stack of rocks, a pile of lint, and a ten foot long draconequus god of chaos. I know Discord probably should have held my attention the most, but even to my own surprise, my mind was more engrossed with the window behind him.

It was the single most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I'd seen pictures of the pre-apocalypse world before, but even Pearly's cutie mark was nothing compared to the real thing. The bright blue sky actually made me feel happy somehow, and even the single cloud on it was pure, fluffy white, not the dour things I knew. I couldn't see the sun itself, but I knew it was probably just out of sight, and I could see its reflection on the jewellike green grass. I could have looked at it for hours, even days. That beautiful sight, those vivid colors I had never even imagined before, I wanted to keep them forever, to hold them close and just be one with them, but Screwball, taking its beauty for granted, turned her eyes toward Discord instead.

The twisted chimera of a creature made me mentally cringe. I'd seen pictures of him before, but he was especially creepy in the flesh. Still, he seemed to be happy to be with Screwball, a soft, pleasant expression on his face.

The duo continued their T party for a few minutes, just chitchatting, mostly about how Screwball had escaped from an insane asylum and broken into the royal castle just to be with Discord.

I actually found the whole thing rather relaxing, even Discord grew on me. Wait... Didn't Screwball say something about this memory being scary?

"Discord!" a furious voice boomed, shaking even the floor we stood on. The door was flung open and the entire room jumped about ten degrees. Screwball turned to see the blinding white form of the Sun Goddess herself, Celestia. I had never been so awestruck, both by her beauty and her fury. Behind her, a gorgeous mare who looked like the night sky incarnate stood, glaring at the draconequus. "Where is it?"

"What you want? Discord no do nothing wrong!" Screwball said, actually braving the goddesses and jumping in front of Discord.

Celestia's expression softened in the presence of her subject, but the rage at Discord was still there. "We need to ask him something, Screwball. I'm sorry, but we need you to wait outside."

In a flash of light, Screwball was on the ground outside the castle. Without missing a beat, the mareleapt into the air, her hat lifting her up toward a window of the castle. I suppose if she had actually broken into the place, she wouldn't have any trouble getting to the window of the room she was just in. It wasn't long before she found it and peeked in.

Both princesses were using the full force of their magic to restrain Discord, though he didn't seem to be struggling. From what I'd read, he would probably break out easy if he tried.

"I assure you princesses, I have no idea what you're talking about," he insisted.

"The spellbook, Discord! Starswirl's spellbook!" Celestia growled.

"Perhaps he's eaten it?" suggested Luna, only a little calmer than Celestia.

"Eaten it?" said Discord, indignantly. "Oh sure, because I ate paper that one time! Do you honestly take me for the type that can't come up with new material?"

"Don't try to change the subject. If you won't tell us, we can take it from you!" Celestia jammed her horn against his head, and a spell projected his memories in a cloud above his head. Entire weeks blew by in an instant, until finally it came to an end. Discord collapsed to the ground, panting, while the Princesses looked on, horrified.

"You... You really didn't do it..." said Luna, her voice much quieter.

"Yes, I think that's been established," muttered Discord, staggering to his feet, a thin tendril of smoke rising from a small burn on his head.

"I'm so sorry!" Celestia said, shocked at what she'd just done. "It's just that we need that book for something very important, and you have just been released from your prison..."

"So everything wrong that happens must be my fault. I guess you wanna get on my case over all of the cats stuck up trees and fallen ice cream cones too?

Celestia hung her head. "You're right, we were wrong to assume it was you. If there is anything at all we can do to make amends, just say so."

"Well, for one thing, find a better way to look at other ponies' memories. If I ever end up getting falsely accused, I don't want to go through that again. And second..." he grinned, his famous evil nature showing.

Luna gulped. "Sister, I do not like that look on his face..."

"Tomorrow, the two of you will tour Canterlot for the whole day, making sure every pony in Canterlot sees you. You will be wearing nothing but heart print boxer shorts."

The princesses turned bright red. "Are you sure there is no other way?" Celestia asked.

"You asking that proved that yes, this is exactly what I want," Discord said with a grin. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bad pun to get back to. Screwball, it's safe to come in!"

Screwball eagerly hopped through the window and sat down next to Discord, giving him a hug. Meanwhile the princesses bid the duo farewell and left, dreading the next day. Luna turned to Celestia and bellowed "If you ever put us at his mercy again, I swear I'm going to go Nightmare."

With that, the partners in chaos proceeded to cook up a plan involving Screwball telling one of her fellow asylum inmates, Screwloose, what would happen tomorrow and convince her to scream it all night long, the ideal result being pranking Equestria into hailing the mad pony as a prophet.

<-=======ooO Ooo=======->

I soon returned to reality, surprised to actually find myself laughing uncontrollably. I stood up and turned to Screwball, my lungs hurting from the laughter. "Did they... Did they actually do it?"

She handed me a postcard depicting a snapshot of the two scarlet-faced, underwear-clad alicorns. "I print hundreds of these, sell for ten caps. You can has this one free."

I guffawed at the image of the goddesses, hoping that I wasn't going to Hell for this. "Thanks! Honestly, this is probably my new favorite thing."

"You welcome! Anyway, you should get going. I know you type, you have big destiny to do!" She led me upstairs, back to the entrance to the building, and gave me a big, squishy, undead hug. "You go and see whole world. Make it better like you do here. But visit sometime, okay?"

"I will," I said with a smile. There was no way I wasn't coming back someday, especially in case she had things like that every time.

Bishop and Calamity were waiting for me outside. As I walked out of the building, the little icon of the cross eyed mare remained in my vision, which was normal for the building's general area of course. However, just for a moment, I swear I saw it wink at me...

*** *** ***

As we proceeded back into town, Bishop asked us "So... Click, Calamity, have you decided? About joining the Checkmate Company, I mean?"

Calamity thought for a moment, then sighed. "Well, y'all seem like nice guys, but really Chess seems to mostly be in it for the money... Ah wanna help ponies, and Ah think Ah was doin' that much better back at New Appleloosa."

Bishop looked like he was gonna say something, then conceded, sadly. "Yeah... If you give Chess the choice between profit and helping those in need... Let's just say Baltimare was lucky that 'the right thing' and 'the profitable thing' happened to coincide. What about you, Click?"

I took a deep breath and thought. In truth, I hadn't gotten the chance to think about it too much, what with going through the tower and all, but when I got right down to it, I kinda liked working with the Checkmate Company so far... Not the friends dying part of course, but seeing new places and ponies. Whether it was oddities like the mole ponies and Discord Cultists, or the relatively mundane Winksteppers, meeting new ponies brought a sweet feeling that I hadn't felt in years, and I absolutely loved the thrill of seeing new places, not to mention the way almost everything I'd done had had a positive effect on those around me... which is exactly what Stellar would want.

"I think I'll stay with you guys," I finally said.

"You will? That's awesome!" said Bishop gleefully. "You have no idea how good it'll be to have someone to counterbalance Knight's... Knight-ness. I promise, you won't regret this!"

"I know I won't," I said. Then something occurred to me. "Hey, Calamity, you're going back to New Appleloosa, right?"

"Yup," he nodded.

"Well, you know where my family lives right? The inventors?"

"Yeah, I remember going there once."

"Would you mind delivering a letter to them then?"

*** *** ***

Dear Spark, Pulse, and Dad,

The past few days have been really crazy, and I miss you guys a lot. Still, I have to admit I kinda like it out here. I have a freedom that I've never felt before. I did run into a little bit of danger, but I made it through just fine, and Chess says that what happened was pretty atypical. You might have heard about it: I was the "Blue Guy," that DJ Fizzypop from channel 94.4 mentioned. Anyway, Chess has offered me a permanent position in his company, and I'm taking him up on it. I hope I'll get the chance to visit you guys soon.

Love,

Click Click

(6_9)...

Footnote: Level Up!
Perk Added: Comprehension- Your love of books enables you to get more out of reading than most other ponies, giving you an extra skill point every time you read a book. Of course, your love of reading was already part of your character, so logically you should have had this from the beginning, but we're not gonna question that, a'ight?
Quest Perk Added: Wild Wasteland- You have been blessed by Discord's magic. Odd things seem to happen to you all the time, whether you want them to or not.
Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, the Checkmate Company picks up a distress signal from one of their allies, and Click decides to join in the rescue. However, when black magic and brainwashing get thrown into the mix, what should have been a simple rescue mission quickly becomes a ... well, a very complicated rescue mission.

Author's Note

Remember when I said that chapters 3 and 4 were the most edited? I made myself a liar. I rewrote this whole freaking thing pretty much. The original plot was completely scrapped and replaced. Most of the characters are the same (in the original, the skaters and the griffin twins played a much bigger role) except Oliver was made up just for the new version. I'll probably post the original version up somewhere for anypony who wants to read it. I think it's inferior to this one, but at the same time, a lot of good jokes got cut out.

Speaking of stuff you might like, some of you may have noticed that I have posted two one-shots recently, each for a contest, and both of them won! First is Hot Mess, a side story for this very fic giving Knight a day in the spotlight, and it actually received second place. The other story, Old Vaquero, stars Raul (yes, that Raul, but in mule form) and is independent from Wild Wasteland. It placed first ;P Also, I just released another contest entry called I'm Sorry in the Old Vaquero universe. Hopefully this one wins too.

So yeah. I'm awesome. I don't think that is the last time I'll be making side fics for Wild Wasteland either. Frieren and Brennen need more fleshing out, not to mention the mole ponies from chapter 2.

Speaking of other stories, it's shout out time! Specifically to my homie Alnair, with The Fossil.

Anyway, that's all I have to say this time. Thanks to MLP, Fallout, Kkat for bringing them together, and to Tutis, Trivial, Beep Beep, Delta, Twilitlightning and Chris for helping me make this fic as perfect as possible.

Chapter 6: Welcome to the Family

Chapter 6: Welcome to the Family

I lead this group of weary travelers and outcasts who need a home.

(6_9) ...

{{Arimaa}}

My name is Arimaa. I am a twenty-four year old Zebra mare descended from the now dispersed Kharagosa tribe. I grew up with my parents, who filled my head with every last bit of knowledge they remembered about the Kharagosa. Now my parents are dead, killed by Raiders while I was out scavenging, leaving me with some decent Zebra survival tricks, but mostly an ungodly amount of useless trivia about a dead culture that no one else will ever care about.

Since then the Checkmate Company took me in, giving me the tools and resources to turn my scavenging skills from a method of survival to a formula for flourishing in the Wasteland. Basically, the Checkmate Company was my sponsor, giving me better equipment, training, and networking opportunities in exchange for giving them the stuff I found in my travels.

Of course, I wasn't limited to being a scavenger though. The Checkmate Company catered to any need that ponies in the wasteland brought to it, and recently a couple of ponies came to the Checkmate Company with a rescue mission: find and bring back Zephyr Given, a teenage mare who had run away from home and was believed to have joined a cult called 'The Embrace.' I had nothing better to do, and I was in the area where the Embrace was supposed to be located, so I volunteered for the job. After about a day's walk and spending a night at a Checkmate Hub in the town of Marefu, I found the place.

The Temple of the Embrace was a large, pyramidal structure made mostly of scrap metal and built around an old train station. The place was easy enough to find, now all that was left was to figure out which one of the ponies inside was Zephyr Given.

As I entered the unguarded building, I listened intently to the radio that they had playing over the intercoms. As I expected, it was channel 37.8 (or as it was otherwise unimaginatively called, "The Embrace"). I'd been listening to it since I took the job, trying to gather useful information. Once it got to the end of one of those creepy chant-y pseudo prayers they liked to play (which I happened to recognize as being in a rare Zebra dialect), it played a recorded message from an enigmatic mare named Chalice, the latest in an apparently long line of the Embrace's leaders.

"Hello again my children, and welcome. To those of you hearing my voice for the first time, I ask you to open wide your minds and hearts, and let me show you the truth. There is much suffering in this world, no doubt you have all seen. The cruelty of raiders, the bindings of slavery, the slow death of poverty, the time bomb zombies called 'ghouls.' At times it seems there is no escape. In desperation, many have turned down dead-end paths, all false hopes. There is the blind servitude of Unity, for one, an attempt of the so called 'Goddess' to enslave the mind just as her false prophet Red Eye enslaves the body. Others have thrown all hope away, and rationality with it, choosing to become part of the problem as raiders. Others, such as the sect calling themselves the New Caneighnites have gone to the opposite extreme, murdering their own freedom with strict moral codes, dooming themselves to destruction by refusing to make the compromises that survival itself requires. Even places that many consider havens, such as Tenpony Tower, are built upon weak foundation, for what will their wealth do for them when the wasteland inevitably breaches their walls and rips them apart? They are so used to safety that a mere splinter to them is agony, and not one of them can live without aid.

"'But what can be done then?' you may ask. 'What else is there?' There is the Embrace, my children. Generations ago, my predecessors created a temple, a fortress against the horrors of the wastes. It is a place where zebras, griffons, hybrids, and all pony races, even pegasi, can live in harmony without judgment. A place where freedom and safety are balanced without sacrificing the gifts of each. I, High Priestess Chalice, will take care of you with the unique magic that has been handed down from generation to generation of our leaders.

"Ponies, throw off the Princesses that abandoned you! Their sun and moon have been gone for centuries, and what of Celestia or Luna themselves have you seen? Zebras, forget your oppressive fear of the powerless stars that can no longer even look at you and forget the long dead earth! Victims of racism, if the cruel wasteland will not accept you, why accept it? All of you, leave your old lives behind, every last iota. Come and join me, and my magic shall be all that you need. Come and enter our sacred Embrace..."

I rolled my eyes. Complete safety and acceptance with no cost other than hiding away from the rest of the world: yeah, that sounds completely reasonable. I bet she'll even throw in some free kool-aid to sweeten the deal, that would certainly help explain the rumors about ponies going in there and never coming out. I just hoped that I could find Zephyr soon though, because I seriously doubted that her parents would pay me as much if she was full of poison.

I decided to start by just asking around, the main chamber I was in had only twenty or so ponies and zebras in it, and it was as good a place to start as ever. "Hey there," I said, approaching a random zebra in a cloak, which I understood signified a high rank in the Embrace. "I'm looking for a friend of mine. Unicorn, blue coat, dark gray mane, umbrella mark on her butt; sound familiar?"

She looked back toward me... first with one eye, then the other, her irises glowing a sickly green.

OK, red flags!

"A lot of ponies come through here. I do not recall seeing that one," the cultist said with a fake-happy face and a fake-happy, monotone voice. "Do not worry though. I am certain she will turn up. For now, simply bask in the joy of the Embrace." She then just stared, not staring at me, so much as in my direction. Even when I left, her eyes didn't move an inch.

I tried asking someone else in a cloak, this time an earth pony mare, and got the same response. Like, literally, word for word, the exact same response. Now completely turned off from the cloaked freaks, I asked one of the uncloaked ponies. From the looks of her, she was probably only half brainwashed.

"I think I saw somepony like that. A unicorn, right?" she asked.

I could have leapt for joy. "Yes! Her name's Zephyr Given. You've seen her?"

"Yeah, I think that was her name. Some of the priests took her into the lower chambers. Apparently High Priest Ecnav thinks she'll make a good successor for Chalice."

"Successor?"

"Yeah, from what I heard, every few months Ecnav picks ten female candidates, then he and Chalice will pick the best one in a ritual."

"What? But Zephyr Given's been in this cult for less than a week!"

She glanced from side to side, then leaned in close to me, "Yeah, well between you and me, I think he's just going for the hotties because the High Priest and the High Priestess get to... you know. Anyway, experience doesn't mean much. Weird thing is, apparently every High Priestess for as long as anyone else can remember has always been just as competent as the last one, regardless of their experience. I guess the ritual is supposed to transfer the High Priestess's aptitude or something while her soul ascends to the next world."

Of course. Cult leader gets to bang his choice of the mares, and the old one gets bumped off when he'd done with her. Classic evil cult, totally called it. "What happens to the others?"

"They become priestesses of course, but they're always different afterward. Much more focused. You saw them earlier."

Wonderful. Just wonderful. If I don't save her she's either gonna get mind fucked or real fucked, neither of which were good. "Where are the candidates being kept?"

"Down there," she said, pointing to a dark hallway.

"Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get down there," I said, turning and making my way there.

"Hey, watch it! If Chalice or Ecnav find out you're snooping, you'll never be seen again!"

I ignored her. I'd just go in and get her really quick, smash-and-grab style. I ran in as fast as I could without making noise, which was still pretty fast, and soon enough found the way down. As I descended the first flight of stairs, I heard someone coming up, and worse, someone else coming down. In a desperation move, I hopped up and climbed the walls, pressing my forehooves against one wall and my hind ones against the other. The hall was an old maintenance tunnel, just narrow enough for my trick to work. I only barely had enough room to climb to the ceiling, but fortunately the priestesses guarding the place were too empty-headed to look up. On a scale of one to ten, I'd rank their perception at about a one, if that. Once they were gone, I dropped back down and kept going.

It wasn't long before I found the potential new High Priestesses in a room made from a partially collapsed tunnel. There were nine of them, caged like animals in one of the dozen or so kennels made from shopping carts strewn throughout the room. They barely had enough room to lay down and from the looks of things, most of them hadn't been fed in days, the only needs attended to being given water and possibly being let out to use the bathroom, though I detected the scent of piss, so maybe it wasn't often enough. Fortunately, there was only one guard down here walking an incredibly predictable path, and she appeared to be as dumb as her sisters from the staircase. I drew my weapon, a police baton, crouched down behind the cage of a sleeping captive, and waited for her come around again. I didn't like the idea of killing a brainwashing victim, but at the same time I didn't want the guard getting in my way either. I compromised by beating her unconscious, and whether she woke up later or not was her problem, not mine. After that, finding Zephyr Given was easy, although after what I had seen, I wasn't leaving with just her.

"Hey, you're Zephyr Given, right?" I asked, addressing the pony that matched her description.

"Yeah. Did my parents send you?" she asked, hopefully.

"No, I just have a thing for infiltrating cults and ruining their brainwashing-slash-rape schemes and my special talent is name guessing," I said before taking a bobby pin and screw driver to the cage's lock. She smiled, probably more from the chance at freedom than my joke. I'm saving her life, I figure that gives me license to be a little sarcastic. Once she was free, I moved onto the next cage too, taking great pleasure in hearing each tumbler click into place; when your special talent is breaking into stuff, you just have to appreciate the rare moments when you get to use it for good. These ones in particular were surprisingly easy to pick for locks used to keep captives, almost like they wanted to be opened.

Once they were all out, I turned and said, "Alright, there's no chance we can all sneak back out of here like I did on the way in, but I didn't see anyone with a gun either. All we have to do is stick together and run out. If they try to stop you, just buck 'em in the teeth."

"What!? That's your escape plan!?" yelled one of the girls.

"Have you ever tried a stealth mission with ten inexperienced partners? It just doesn't work. It'll be much easier to just outrun everyone. Besides, none of the guards were armed. It'll be easy."

"Nah, it's cool, I don't need to be armed," replied a voice from behind me. Crap.

The girls screamed, while I turned to see two figures standing in the doorway: an earth pony mare in an ornate cloak and a young looking zebra stallion with pink eyes.

I gulped, but tried to put on a brave face. "Chalice and Ecnav, I presume?"

"Yes, that's us. Now tell me, what is your name?" asked the mare. Honestly she wasn't what I expected. Based on her accent from the radio I expected a zebra, but she was a daisy colored earth pony! She did, however, seem to have some kind of zebra-inspired facial tattoos as well, so maybe Ecnav's brainwashing involved making her look and act more zebra like or something.

"My name is Arimaa. And if you don't mind, me and these other mares will be leaving now," I said, as boldly as I could.

"Yeah, I wish you could, buuuuuut... that ain't gonna happen," said Ecnav, shrugging. It was weird, I expected some middle aged slob, but he was actually very young. In fact, he was fairly cute, definitely not the type of guy who would need to start a cult to get laid. Even his voice didn't match the cult leader archetype: without any background, I'd have pegged him as a stoned slacker. Maybe he inherited the cult from his father? Regardless, his actions completely overshadowed his harmless appearance, and his bloodwing shaped glyph just added an extra layer to that. He stepped up closer to me, and looked me over before turning to Chalice. "Hey, we still needed at least one more mare to choose from, right? Why not use this chick here? She's young, hot, and a zebra. Besides, you said they fit better, don't they?"

"Oh yes!" said Chalice enthusiastically. "Perhaps it is a good thing that this one came here. We did need just one more candidate."

"Alright, that's it, we're out of here!" I said, shoving Ecnav aside and making my way to the door. I had no idea why Chalice was so interested in who would replace her as Ecnav's sex-puppet, but there was no way in hell I was even going to dignify this sick crap by staying here. "Get out of the way, freak. If you two try to follow us, you die, got it?" I said, drawing my weapon. Nervously, the captive mares began to follow after me.

"Ha ha ha ha ha..." Chalice laughed, her eyes starting to glow much brighter than any of the priestesses, "You really think it'll be that simple? You really think you can just walk out? It'd like Ecnav said..." her eyes began glowing, "We don't need guns."

When I saw what she did next, all I could do was scream.

*** *** ***

{{Click Click}}

Ah, this was the life. A fulfilling job, great new friends, really, everything was going my way. As it turned out, joining the Checkmate Company had been a good move on my part, and being a member of Chess' personal entourage made it that much better. It had been barely over a week since we delivered the statue, and the "weird stuff" had been happening more than ever since I got Discord's blessing, but it hadn't been too obtrusive in the big scheme of things. I was even starting to enjoy it's quirkiness on occasion. I had no idea why, for example, I needed to be notified that a blue jay and a raccoon were playing on an old ruined couch by the side of the road, but sometimes it was worth a chuckle.

What I'd seen so far of the Checkmate Company before I joined was less than half of the whole thing. I knew that it catered to all sorts of needs, but I hadn't had a clue just how diverse its services were until I first saw a Checkmate Company Hub. It was part inn, part store, and part post office, plus a few other things thrown in. There was also a place where ponies could pay a small price to post ads for jobs they wanted done which Checkmate employees would then carry out. Really, if
there was a need, the Checkmate Company would fill it.

As for me, I was basically Chess' bodyguard-slash-repairpony, which, while not as safe as staying in New Appleloosa, was nowhere near as dangerous as the journey to Whinnyapolis. Since Chess insisted on traveling around with his brahmin lugging a cart full of deliveries or things to sell, having ample protection was a necessity. It involved a lot of travel, but fortunately we got to stop and rest at the end of every day, sometimes taking an extra day off when we stopped at a Checkmate Hub. In my spare time I picked up some extra caps doing repair work, reading, chilling out with Bishop, and even building up my fighting skills, with an added emphasis on explosives. I preferred guns and melee, but I still kept a few grenades and some Uberclocks on hand, just in case. Dynamite had worked pretty well on Canis, imagine what grenades would do to the average-joe raider!

It was two weeks after Whinnyaplolis, at the hub in a heavily Zebra populated town called Marefu, when I stupidly walked into my next big fiasco.

The day started the way my adventure did; early in the morning with me sitting at a bar drinking soda (the best way to start any day if you ask me) with Chess and the others sitting nearby. I noticed my PipBuck picking up a new radio station: "Checkmate Company Distress Signal."

"Um... Chess? I just picked up something called 'Checkmate Company Distress Signal,'" I said nervously, not knowing what to do.

"I got it too. Those of us with radio equipment use it for emergencies," he said, grimly. He turned to Queen, a cyan zony mare who was the bartender and supervisor of the Marefu Hub. "Queen, turn the radio to the emergency station."

She complied immediately. A fearful, whispering voice sounded over the Hub's intercom. "This is Arimaa of the Checkmate Company... Please, I'm trapped in the Embrace Temple near Maresti. I don't know exactly what they're going to do to me, but whatever it is, I've seen the end results of it, and I'd rather die. There are others here with me, and at least one of them has parents who will pay a lot of money if she's rescued. I have to warn you though: The cult leaders, Ecnav and Chalice, aren't normal. I can't explain it, they're just monsters or something! Bring all the firepower you can, but please hurry, we don't have much time! Please..." Arimaa's voice grew more and more terrified as the recording went on, until right at the end she was clearly starting to cry. Then the message began to repeat, abruptly cutting off her sobs.

All around the room, the broadcast struck a chord with everyone and brought forth fearful responses ranging from "Someone's gotta help her!" to "Better her than me."

"Who was that?" I asked, horrified.

"That was Arimaa," said Queen. "She's not from around here I think, but she spent the night here yesterday and asked me if I knew where the Temple of the Embrace was. I guess she wasn't as prepared as she thought."

Chess furrowed his brow. "This isn't good. What kind of strength does the Embrace have? Do you know anything else about them besides what Arimaa said?"

Queen just shrugged. "I've only heard rumors. The only thing concrete is that they've been around since forever and they go through High Priestesses like toilet paper. Other than that, it seemed to just be a run of the mill cult: anti-ghoul, highly secretive, nobody ever leaves, that sort of thing. As far as strength goes, I dunno, but apparently they just started to get a lot more members since they started playing their creepy meditation chants on Channel 37.8."

Chess grunted in frustration, then resolutely climbed up onto a table, drawing everyone's attention. "Ponies, griffins, and zebras of the Checkmate Company: Our compatriot, Arimaa, is being held captive by the Embrace. This act against one of our own cannot be left unresolved. We are bound by both the rules of the Checkmate Company and our honor to rescue her. Maresti is nearby and I know there are plenty among you who are more than strong enough to hold your own in case they are as bad as Arimaa says they are. I have an idea to solve this bloodlessly if possible, but I may require backup. Naturally, you will be compensated. Any takers?"

"Hell yes! Let's nuke those fuckers!"shouted Knight.

"Yeah!" said a mercenary looking griffin, "How tough could they be?"

The griffon and five ponies (all coincidentally wearing red shirts and somehow triggering the ellipsis icon) ended up joining before Chess decided he had enough. I had contemplated joining in too, but red shirted ponies looked strong enough. Besides, during my tenure under Chess, I'd learned that his 'compensation' tended to be about 40% money, 60% fast talking you into thinking it was enough money. Still, that Arimaa mare sounded like she really needed help...

Chess turned to me and Bishop and asked, "You two are free to stay here if you don't want to come, as this is outside your normal duties, but I'd like at least one or two more ponies who can use stealth, if you're interested."

"Stealth? Sorry, I really would, but I've never had to sneak around before, I probably wouldn't be too good at it," I said, although operating under the enemy's radar and out of the actual conflict actually sounded quite promising...

Chess pulled something out of his saddlebags, a tiny electronic device with the inscription 'StealthBuck,' and gave it to me. "With this little thing, you could be."

And that's how I walked into horrible disaster number five...

*** *** ***

Like Chess said, Maresti wasn't very far away. We'd barely been walking for fifteen minutes before I could see a large sign that said "Welcome to Maresti! (lol, see what we did there? MARE-esti? It's a pun! Just like everywhere else!)" A little ways away was a large pyramidal structure, which I figured was the temple. Maresti itself was a small settlement, if it could even be called a 'settlement' at all; Four shacks was sort of stretching the definition, and they all looked empty. As we walked past, I noticed that carved on one of the buildings walls was the inscription "Do not enter. Do NOT sleep. They will come for you." I guessed that explained a little.

"This looks like a good enough place for you and the others to wait, Knight," said Chess. "Listen for us on your radio, if we call for you, or if we're not back by nightfall, come rescue us."

"Why can't I come too? I wanna kill stuff!" she whined.

"Ideally, I want to do this without raising any alarms. Killing stuff is exactly the kind of thing that raises alarms. There might be a lot of innocent ponies in the Embrace, so Bishop, Click, and I are just going to go in there, and rescue Arimaa. Depending on how things turn out, we might kill their leaders, but only if we get a safe opportunity. You guys are Plan B, and even it does come to you doing that, please show discretion and don't attack anypony that doesn't attack you first. I want zero noncombatant casualties this time, got it?"

"Are you still griping about that?"

"You shot up the dermatology ward of a children's hospital!"

"Once! I thought they were midget ghouls, like in Stable 66!"

"What are the odds of that happening twice?"

"Uh... wait, I think I got this one... It happened once for real, and one time it was just sick kids, so... Oh! It's one to one! Right?"

"That's right. Here, let me give you a prize." He reached into his saddlebag and brought out... his empty hoof, which he bonked her on the head with. "Just shut up and wait."

With our backup in place and a newfound fear of letting Knight near children imbedded into my mind, we set off toward the temple.

Just before we got to the temple, Chess and I turned on our StealthBucks and Bishop put on his cloak and we walked in. There were no guards or anything, just a pair of wide open doors: all inclusive, like a church should be. Once we got inside though, things took a turn for the creepy. It seemed to be an old metro station lit by torches added to the walls. Even weirder were the creepy runes written in seemingly made up languages along the walls and in circles on the floor. In the middle of said circles were strange drains, and I had to wonder what purpose they could possibly serve.

There were a few dozen cultists inside, the less brainwashed looking ones still wearing wasteland gear, the older members seemed to have traded their normal clothes for rags or nothing, and a few important looking ones were wearing robes. It all seemed very unorganized, some gathered around rune circles meditating or praying, while others seemed lost in thought, and the robed ones were just standing around, looking blankly into space. The creepiest part of all was when I got my answer to what the drains were for: one of the cultists, a stallion wearing rags, walked into one of the circles and stripped naked. Then he took a small knife and made light cuts along his legs, face, and torso, letting his blood leak into the drain. I cringed at the sight of it, it practically screamed 'unholy.' That's when I noticed a familiar tune playing over the intercom radio:

"Koyaanisqatsi...

Koyaanisqatsi..."

I shivered. I knew from what Queen said that I had already heard them the day I joined Chess, but this just really drove home the fact that this creepy, brainwashing, self mutilation cult had a voice all the way in New Appleloosa...

"Any idea where they're keeping Arimaa?" I whispered to Chess.

"No idea. We just have to start looking around."

"It's too bad we can't just ask where she is," sighed Bishop.

Just then a zebra in an explorer's outfit and a sophisticated accent walked past us. "Excuse me, where is the girl you're holding captive here?" He gestured to the pistol and scabbard he kept at his side. "This doesn't have to get messy."

The robed ponies all glared at him and stepped forward, drawing daggers from under their sleeves. One of them shouted to the unrobed cultists, "Non-priestesses, return to your quarters. We shall deal with this one." The other cultists all fearfully obeyed.

"Oh, it looks like this guy might just handle things for us," whispered Chess.

The zebra drew his sword and spoke (in a surprisingly clear voice considering his mouth had a sword in it). "So, that's how we're playing this, are we? Well, I'm sorry, but you've picked a horrible opponent if you want to see tomorrow.

"We shall see about that, fool," said one of the priestesses, though she hadn't quite mastered the 'talking with a weapon' trick.

"Very well, I shall fight you if I must, but let me issue you one last warning..."

{{Post-Apocalyptic Hero's Song, to the tune of Modern Major-General's Song from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan}}

"I'm the most perfect post-apocalyptic hero you will see

Whether raiders or hellhounds nothing out there is a threat to me.

I've mastered every skill from Barter all the way down to Unarmed

And I've so much HP that even bombs leave me mostly unharmed.

I've ventured into stables and irradiated lairs of ghouls

and all manner of places which would make you think I was a fool

Yet all my work there pays off well with piles and piles of loot and caps

Er... What rhymes with caps... Laps... Slaps... AH!

Enough to more than justify the villains, monsters, and deathtraps."

And then someone, I doubt I'll ever know who, began backup singing for him.

"Enough to more than justify the villains, monsters, and deathtraps

Enough to more than justify the villains, monsters, and deathtraps.

Enough to more than justify the villains, monsters, and those deadly traps!"

"Huh? Who the heck is backup singing for me? AUGH!" No sooner did the zebra acknowledge the invisible singers than one of the priestesses simply trotted up and stabbed him in the face, causing him to drop his sword and collapse. "Hey! You can't interrupt me during a song! Ow, I hope this doesn't scar..."

"It won't," reassured the priestess, who began stabbing him some more, with her allies following suit.

"Aw... and his patter singing was great too..." muttered Chess.

As the hero's blood flowed into the drains, a couple of the priestesses picked his corpse up and began to walk towards a dark hallway.

"Well, come on, they might be going to where Arimaa is," said Chess. "Bishop, you go follow those other cultists from before and try to gather a bit of intel, just in case. Click, you and me are going to follow those priestesses.

Pursuing the priestesses was incredibly easy. Not only were we invisible, but the priestesses were so single minded that I was fairly certain that I'd have to run up and physically touch one to get them to notice me, even without the Stealthbuck.

Eventually we came to an area with twelve ponies and zebras standing inside. Ten of them, all mares, were backed against the wall, while two more, a mare in a cloak and a Zebra stallion, looked the poor captives over, speaking about them as if they were shopping for clothes. The priestesses stopped and waited to be addressed, blocking me and Chess from getting into the room.

"Come on, Ecnav, just look at its face, it's so cute!" said Chalice, running her hoof across a terrified mare's chin and addressing Ecnav.

"Yeah, but she's a unicorn. I miss you as a zebra, and just look how hot Arimaa here is!" he said, pulling the frightened and disgusted young zebra up close to him.

"It's always about looks with you isn't it? Don't forget, more ponies come in when it's a pony talking to them. Besides, I'll be the one wearing it, so it's mostly my choice.

"But I'll be the one lookin' atcha! Come on, just as a treat for me?" Ecnav looked at Chalice with big puppy dog eyes.

She chuckled. "Fine. They do feel much more natural, I guess. But not that one. I prefer looking a little more mature, like this one. Zadara, I think its name was?" she said, turning over to another zebra a couple years older than Arimaa.

"What? No! I won't! Just let me go!" the Zadara screamed, darting toward an exit on the side of the room opposite me and the priestesses.

"You're only going in further! You have no escape!" Chalice laughed.

Zadara's hoofsteps echoed from the hallway, but then stopped abruptly, giving way to a scream.

"I guess she saw the ritual chamber," Chalice said, a dark shadow of amusement in her voice. "Anyway, what do you want?" she said, turning to the priestesses.

"This intruder came in to rescue the captives. We stabbed him in the face."

Ecnav shrugged. "Dude musta heard Arimaa's message before I found that transmitter she had. But you know, he's probably not gonna be the last one. Maybe we should start brainwashing dudes as security guards, in case the priestesses ain't enough."

Chalice nodded. "We'll consider it later." She turned to the priestesses. "Ecnav just ate. Dispose of the dead one in the usual way."

Ecnav and Chalice scared the captive mares back into their cages with a mere glance and started them in. Meanwhile, the priestesses took the hero's corpse down the same hallway Zadara just ran through. Once the captives were all secure, Chalice and Ecnave followed as well.

The second the coast was clear, Chess and I took off our StealthBucks.

"Chess!" Arimaa yelled when she saw us. "Thank the gods! Hurry, break us out!"

"Right away," said Chess, taking a pair of bolt cutters to Arimaa's lock. The heavy shears bit down hard on the rusty metal, and after a bit of work... Chess was left with a pair of broken bolt cutters.

"What the- What is this lock made of!?" Chess said, stomping in frustration. He took out another set (talk about preparedness!) and went for the shopping carts instead, with similar results. "What the hell?"

"It's their black magic," said one of the mares, a unicorn. "It's some kind of indestructibility spell. Only Ecnav and Chalice have the keys. They always seem to have them on them somehow, but I don't know where they keep them.

"Then we'll just have to kill them and take them," I said, eager for some justice.

"It's not that easy," said Arimaa, "The things they can do... It's the kind of stuff I didn't think was possible outside of nightmares.

"Well whatever magic they have needs to be cast before it can be a threat, and I'd like to see them try casting with a machete in their necks."

I heard Zadara screaming from downstairs and realized that if I wanted to save her I'd have to stop talking and start shooting. I immediately plugged in a fresh StealthBuck and took off. Chess started to say something, but decided against it and ended up following right at my tail.

The stairway went down in a wide spiral for a few dozen yards before opening up to the ritual chamber. It was a dark, torch-lit room with a metal sacrifice table, a giant scary-as-heck statue, a strange device, and a- SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! THEY HAD A SWIMMING POOL FULL OF BLOOD!

OK, I think I need to elaborate. First off was the device: It was situated on the left side of the room looked almost like a giant juicer... and when I saw the priestesses climbing up a ramp to the opening on top, I realized that 'giant juicer' wasn't too far off the mark. They tossed the hero's remains in, and with a sickening grinding sound blood poured out an outlet on the bottom into the pool. After that, all the priestesses filed out, leaving us and the cult leaders alone.

On the far side of the room was a statue: it looked like a pony... vaguely. It had a pony body, sure, but also claws like a lion, a tail like a scorpion, and while the face was still definitely equine, it had a snakelike quality to it as well. It had two horns, each spiraled like a unicorn's but much longer and sharper, with noticeable upward curves. In addition to the horns, it had two leathery demon wings, spread wide as if to show its power. Its mane and tail weren't actually carved from stone, but it had some kind of setup inside of it that blew constant streams of fire from its head and hindquarters. It seemed to be wearing armor, the breastplate of which held some kind of strange glowing orb filled with multicolored motes of light. At its base was a small pedestal with an evil looking book set upon it. Its pages were red and its spine was made to resemble a literal spine. Even the front cover looked like a face contorted in agony.

Right in front of the statue was the table, which was relatively simple, just a metal slab with four hoof restraints on it which were firmly locked around Zadara's legs. Chalice was standing at her left forehoof, while Ecnav was at her right. We couldn't see what they were doing, exactly, but we knew we weren't about to just watch it happen.

We ran around the pool, going on the same side that the giant device had been on. As we passed it, I noticed a glowing green screen on it. Since, as we all know, reading over all of a computer's files takes literally no time at all, I decided to have a look. Maybe it had more information on the cult, even some detail about Chalice and Ecnav's magic if we were lucky.

To my surprise, however, instead of anything at all relating to the cult, I saw a familiar symbol: A half-brain-half-Stable-71 logo. Stein Laboratories? Again? Below the logo were two files: "Greetings," and "Advanced System Settings (DO NOT TOUCH!!!)" I clicked "Greetings."

Dear Grand Pegasus Enclave,

I am Professor Stein, creator, overseer, head scientist, and diplomatic representative of Stein Laboratories. We are currently in the process of constructing a prototype of my new invention, the Stein Laboratories Solar Powered Tanning Bed. However we have met with difficulties when attempting to test the 'Solar Powered' part, due to interference on your part via the 'cloud cover.' We understand that you probably have some primitive reason why you think covering all of Equestria is important, but for the sake of science we request that you remove all clouds from above the Stein Laboratories facility. The rest of the cloud cover does not significantly interfere with any other experiments by Stein Laboratories and may remain as is.

However, in case you do not grasp the importance of our science, we have sent this Stein Laboratories Industry Scale Juicer for the purpose of bartering. It was originally designed to synthesize rainbows by recycling detritus such as food waste, ruined clothing, and corpses, but due to the aforementioned interference of the cloud cover, Stein Laboratories is not in possession of any rainbow spectra to use as a reference point, we cannot properly figure out how to synthesize it.

Be warned, the Stein Laboratories Industry Scale Juicer uses a modified Balefire Egg power source. Do not attempt to change Advanced System Settings without the requisite Science skill, as it could become unstable.

The Stein Laboratories Industry Scale Juicer was delivered via our Stein Laboratories Omega Class Giant Rock-It Launcher. Stein Laboratories assumes no responsibility for property damage, injury, or death caused by this delivery method, as proper aiming was made impossible, once again due to the cloud cover.

Scientifically yours,

Professor Stein

Well that was an odd letter. Regardless, the juicer obviously never reached its destination for one reason or another. Personally I wouldn't trust any deliveries to something called a 'Rock-It Launcher.' I ignored the Advanced System Settings and logged out, getting back into the action right where I'd left off.

Chess and I rounded the corner and saw Chalice draw a strange red knife seemingly from out of nowhere and slit Zadara's wrist. I didn't know where they were going with that, but neither me nor Chess was going to stand for it. I went for Ecnav, while I noticed the vague shimmer that was Chess going at Chalice.

Ecnav didn't even see me coming. No sooner did I reach him than my machete was dug halfway into his neck. Likewise, in my peripheral vision I saw half of Chalice's face burst from a point blank shot from Chess. I tried my best to look away from it and not think of my mother.

"You alright?" I asked Zadara, pulling my weapon out of Ecnav and turning off my StealthBuck.

"Yes, I think so, I just need something for my wrist..." she said, smiling from ear to ear. I started to reach for one of the healing potions I'd brought, but before I so much as touched my saddlebags, I heard a voice that I was certain I'd never hear again.

"Yeah... You aren't that hurt at all, not compared to what I'm gonna do to these meddlers." Chalice glared as she stood back up, hate burning in her remaining eye.

Chess yelped, shooting again and again at Chalice's face. Her head eventually came all the way off, but other than that she didn't react at all. Her blood stayed in the same spot, even as the flesh was torn away, remaining in the shape it would have taken if it was still in a circulatory system. Oddly, it seemed to mold itself into the form of a zebra's head, rather than a pony's, and a pair of glowing orbs appeared where her eyes should have been. "Yeah, just keep shooting. It'll work eventually," she said in a strange, unnatural voice.

"Hey!" Came the voice of Ecnav, who stood up, his neck wound stitching itself closed before my eyes. "Leave my mare alone, ya dicks!" his shoulders began to swell until his blood vessels burst out through his skin. Blood gushed out of them, much more than you would expect for there to be in a single body, and then somehow molded itself into giant tendrils. "Now get out of here and let us finish our damn ritual!" The gore tentacles grabbed me and Chess, then slammed us against the ground repeatedly before throwing us against the far wall across the blood pool.

I fell to the ground, the wind knocked out of me. I looked back up in time to see Ecnav biting down on Zadara's uncut wrist, sucking her blood out as she screamed in terror. Meanwhile, blood seemed almost to float out of Chalice in streams, entering Zadara's body through her slit wrist. I staggered to my feet, Chess unfortunately unconscious behind me, and pulled out Starstruck. I entered SATS and set up as many shots as it would let me at Ecnav. The bullets burrowed into his chest ineffectually, his own blood seeming to push them back out and then coagulating to plug his wounds.

Chalice, now empty of blood, lay dead on the ground, the stripes that had adorned her body now completely gone. Zadara, on the other hand, had stopped screaming and now bore a sinister grin, and her stripes seemed to have moved. A bit of blood oozed out of her wounds, forming itself into a key on a long, prehensile tendril. I realized suddenly where her knife had come from, and probably the keys to the other locks too. She unlocked the bolts on herself, then the key liquefied again and returned back into her body.

She rolled back onto her hooves and looked at me, her eyes glowing bright green. She walked toward me, a bridge coagulating across the blood pool for her. "Feisty little bastard, aren't you?" she quipped.

"You... You're not Zadara... You're Chalice..." I said, the implications of my revelation dawning on me.

"Yes. And, as I'm sure you realize, Chalice wasn't my first name either. Before Chalice, I was Sweet Tooth, before her I was Green Daze, before her Fire Tongue, then Terra, Ganzuri, Simple Blue, a griffin named Holly, Sprinkle Blitz, Yimma, Pine Needle, Dorima, all the way back two hundred years to a zebra named V'kii..."

"But how? What are you?"

"My soul and blood are tightly bound together, more tightly than any normal soul is to its corresponding body. By infusing myself into another body, I can overshadow them, effectively killing who they once were to keep myself looking youthful."

"Not to mention nice and sexy for your special vampire boy," Ecnav said, trotting up and giving her new face a kiss. His wounds already looked healed.

"I have to say, you're the first one in quite a while to get the jump on us like that," said V'kii. "It probably wasn't particularly hard, we've had our guards lowered in complacency for decades." She then turned to Ecnav, "So I think this proves that you're right, Ecnav. We do need to increase our security. Besides, this one deserves to live on as guard for us, a living memorial to its own near success. We'll brainwash it tomorrow, along with the other ones. For now, I'll give it another gift, something to knock it out for a bit while we search it and its friend for transmitters. We don't want a repeat of that last one.

Her eyes glowed green and some strange energy burst forth from them, forcing itself into the tip of my horn. I felt her evil magic envelop my brain, and I blacked out.

<-=======ooO Ooo=======->

I almost instantly regained consciousness, but s I was elsewhere; the temple's dungeon replaced by what seemed to be the interior of a magnificent castle. V'kii, Ecnav, and Chess were nowhere to be seen, but there were several oddly dressed zebras walking about. It was at about that time that I realized that I was walking too. The only explanation was that this was a memory orb, or at least some kind of variation. With all the other things V'kii was doing, transferring a memory without an orb didn't seem that odd. Ahead, I saw a pair of grand, golden doors flanked by guards, and as I felt myself slowing down I knew that I had reached my destination, whatever it was.

As I got closer, one of the zebras approached me, one who I recognized immediately.

"Hey, babe! Where you off to?" Ecnav said, beaming at me.

"Caesar requests my presence," replied my host, who seemed to be V'kii.

"Wow! Caesar? That's some heavy stuff. Well you better get to it, babe," he leaned forward and kissed me (Ugh! Gotta keep reminding myself that this is V'kii!) and trotted past, giving V'kii an affectionate swat on the rump with his tail. (Ew! No, it didn't work! No matter who I think of myself as, I'm still feeling all of it!)

As he left, I/V'kii continued on past the guards and through the massive doors, revealing what appeared to be a massive war room, and sitting behind a desk was... him. He was dressed in magnificent red and gold, with a feathered crown, a leopard skin sash, and a jeweled necklace. At his side he wore a blade, even while he had the security of his guards.

Caesar. The zebra who destroyed the world. The single most hated being I could name, and I was in the same room as him. I had never really thought about Caesar before. To me, he was always another dead guy from the war, even if he was the villain of it all. Now that I was actually looking at him though, I felt a surge of hate. If it hadn't been for this one Zebra, the world would still be the paradise I'd seen in Screwball's memory orb. Instead, his actions made the whole world into a barely livable hell. No matter what horrible things I'd ever see out here, it all came back to Caesar.

At his right was another zebra, a female in a black robe with red sleeves and a black headdress with a single feather right in the middle.

"Sit, Assassin V'kii," said Caesar. V'kii rushed to comply. "You have been chosen for a very crucial assignment."

"I am at your service, my lord," V'kii said, bowing reverently.

"Your mission will be twofold, first you shall assassinate the Pony leader known as Fluttershy."

What!? They wanted to kill Fluttershy? She was too cute to assassinate! I tried to recall what I had heard about the Great War and whether or not she had been killed before it ended.

Apparently V'kii was just as shocked as I was. "But my lord! Am I really worthy of such a task?"

"Do you question the judgment of the mighty Caesar?" the female zebra said, stomping her hoof in indignation.

"Peace, Damuangaze," said Caesar. Turning back to V'kii, he said "I am more than confidant in your abilities, assassin. Once you have slain Fluttershy, you are to deliver special information to one of our double agents in Equestria's military." He passed V'kii a folder. "That contains all of the information you need to get to Fluttershy's location, as well as the delivery for our contact. Also, for this mission you will be using one of our new Stealth Suits. Not as much extra fabric as the cloaks, so there's no chance it will catch on anything."

"We've found a way to get around that? I thought flowing fabrics were integral for proper invisibility charms." V'kii asked.

"They were integral," said Caesar, smirking. "Like you said, we worked around it. Now go. You know your mission, carry it out. Farewell."

The memory began to fade and swirl. The last thing I saw was Caesar's wicked grin.

*** *** ***

My first instinct said that I had returned to my own body, but my surroundings immediately revealed that this wasn't so. Rather, V'kii's memory seemed to have gone through a time skip of some kind. A nice effect, skipping to the important bits: much better than letting me spend Luna knows how long trapped in days worth of inconsequential memories.

I was in some kind of building, with ponies trotting about. I, to my surprise, was suspended upside down. V'kii must have stuck something to her hooves that allowed her to walk on the ceiling. Furthermore, she was wearing some kind of skin-tight outfit, probably the Stealth Suit Caesar had mentioned.

Below, V'kii's eyes were quickly drawn to her target: Fluttershy. She was every bit as adorable as I had imagined, and every tiny motion of hers had a sweet serenity that made me just want to stare at her all day. I think even V'kii was fascinated by her! I earnestly hoped I wouldn't have to watch her die from a murderer's eye view, but I realized that Fluttershy was visibly younger than she'd been in a lot of the MoP posters I'd seen, so there was no way V'kii could have succeeded. Score one for the good guys!

Fluttershy made her way into an elevator along with two important looking ponies. V'kii leapt down off the ceiling, landing perfectly on her hooves, and slipped into the elavator with them just before the doors closed, and silently crawled onto the ceiling again. Fluttershy and the other two ponies kept on talking, something about the Ministry of Peace, and I was able to pick up a little bit of info suggesting that this was a MoP building which had personal living quarters including an office for Fluttershy up on the top floor. Being a Ministry Mare had its perks, it seemed.

On the top floor, Fluttershy trotted out, leaving the other two behind, and V'kii slinked out behind her. As the elevator left, Fluttershy trotted over to the door to her living space, V'kii close behind. V'kii smiled evilly, her hoof going to the dagger at her hip. The room was rather homey, painted yellow with pink trim, with a shag carpet and sparse but charming decor, including a couch and a little coffee table with a vase of flowers on it. But what really seemed to make V'kii grin was that it was completely devoid of life, not even one of Fluttershy's trademark animal friends was in it. No witnesses, no likelihood of anyone finding the body for some time, possibly for the rest of the night, and no chance of failure. It would be the perfect crime. I knew that Fluttershy would survive this, but I really had to question how.

Fluttershy turned on her radio to a beautiful song by Sapphire Shores (one that I hadn't even heard from DJ Pon-3, how lucky was I!) and laid down on her couch, looking very relaxed after a long day of Ministry work. V'kii leaned back against the wall by the door, overconfidently smirking. I figured she must have been waiting until Fluttershy fell asleep, just to ensure she didn't scream.

Just as it looked like Fluttershy was about to doze off and V'kii took her first step toward her, the door swung right open, flattening the assassin against the wall. I mentally winced as I felt her nose break, but it was nothing compared to breaking my ribs in Baltimare. V'kii slouched against the wall in a daze, watching as the door swung back away, a clear bloodstain marring its pink paintjob.

Speaking of pink, the pony responsible for her wound bounced happily past, unable to see the injured invisible infiltrator. It was yet another of the Ministry Mares: Pinkie Pie. It almost felt weird seeing her looking away from me for once, but at least it made me feel less paranoid. In person, she seemed to give off an aura of joy that made all the negative 'Watching you forever' vibes wash away, and I felt bad for all the times I scorned her taste in the music I'd heard from Red Eye's radio station. She seemed like the type who just wanted everypony to be happy.

"Hey, Fluttershy! I was hoping I'd find you here! Especially since this was where they said you were supposed to be, so if you weren't here, that would mean you went missing, and if you were missing, we'd have to get someone else to run the Ministry of Peace, and if someone else ran the Ministry, they might not get along with the rest of us, and then we wouldn't work together well, and then we'd run Equestria into the ground, and then the Zebras would take over, and the Zebras hate parties, so they'd never let me throw you a 'Welcome Home' party when we found you again! ... Wait, do Zebras really hate parties, or did Rarity make that up?"

"Stupid pony..." V'kii muttered under her breath. "Of course we hate parties. Damn balloons and streamers and everything... Freaking intolerable."

"OH! Pinkie, I wasn't expecting you..." Fluttershy said, surprised, but not visibly annoyed by the rude awakening.

"Anyway, I have got to show you this new thing I found!" Pinkie said, pulling out a tin of what looked like little candies, but what I knew to be a very dangerous chem: Party Time Mint-Als. "They're absolutely great! Luna says we shouldn't have them 'cuz they're 'Zebra influence' or something, but just pop one in your mouth and see!"

Before Fluttershy could object, Pinkie took one of the Mint-Als and shoved it in her mouth. Instantly Fluttershy's eyes went wide, and she staggered back.

"Wow... I... I feel so alert!" Futtershy admitted. My heart twinged at the sight of such a beautiful, pure pony being corrupted by drugs. Dang it, Pinkie, this is why we can't have nice things!

"Yeah! And just imagine what these things are like in a party! The lights, the sounds, it makes your head wanna explode it's so awesome!"

"Pinkie..." Fluttershy said, seeming to grow the tiniest bit of backbone. "I know this seems good right now, but I think you should be careful of these. A lot of things that change your mind or body have really bad side effects. Like this one drug that came out recently, Med-X. It was meant as a pain killer, but I read that a lot of ponies are addicted to it, and it's really, really hurting them."

"Well, this isn't a drug, silly! This is more like some kind of super candy! I haven't felt any downsides to it at all! In fact, it's even making my Pinkie Sense better!"

"Your Pinkie Sense?"

"Yeah! I'm getting a whole bunch of new senses that I've never sensed before! Like when my ankle shivers, it means that someone is about to bring good news! Or when my lower eyelid twitches, it means I forgot something important! And when blood starts coming out of my filly parts, it means my birth control's been working!"

"Wait, Pinkie, are you telling me that until you started taking those, you never had a period?"

"And now whenever I get a new sense or combo, I know exactly what it means! No more wondering what any doozies are, no-siree! OH! Like right now! I just got an ear tingle! That means I'm getting a new combo! Let's see... Sore Hoof, Twitchy Tail, Sour Stomach... Oh! That means there's a Zebra assassin in the room!" She smiled, happy to be able to show off her new PTM powers. It took almost two seconds for the weight of what her 'Pinkie Sense' just told her to sink in, and then she completely flipped out. "Wait... THERE'S A ZEBRA ASSASSIN IN THE ROOM!"

I felt V'kii's heart skip a beat. Fluttershy, apparently taking Pinkie's warning very seriously, ran to a red emergency phone nearby. V'kii immediately darted toward her, somehow standing on her hind legs as she ran, gaining a crazy boost to her speed.

Just as I was sure she was about to deal a killing strike, V'kii was knocked off her hooves by something striking her head, then Pinkie Pie ran over and kicked her in the face and pinned her.

V'kii weakly looked around, seeing the vase from the table shattered nearby after it had struck her head. "Damn... How did you know where I was?" But as she looked around the room a bit more, she saw the telltale blood on the door and ground, plus her clear hoofprints on the carpet. All it would have taken was a little bit of perception, something that right now Pinkie had in spades. Just then, I felt an electric tingling all over V'kii's skin, and her invisibility suit somehow turned off.

Pinkie held V'kii down, furiously chattering about her being a 'bad zebra' and stuff. A few moments later, security ponies ran in, and Pinkie stepped aside to let them beat the living snot out of V'kii with nightsticks... and by extension, beat the living snot out of me with nightsticks. Understandably, I was very grateful when the memory began to fade into another time skip.

*** *** ***

The memory continued in what looked like an interrogation room. V'kii was sore all over, and hoofcuffed to a chair. An angry looking pony across from her said something about having her wait there until a memory specialist arrived, then left; it seemed as if the memory had picked up right at the end of an attempted interrogation, although I figured that V'kii would probably have been able to keep her secrets. As V'kii glanced mournfully toward the two-way mirror, she looked as if it hadn't been too long after her beating, with her nose still steadily dripping blood. The ponies had taken her Stealth Suit away, and, I realized, probably the info for the contact.

Wow, V'kii just couldn't win today. Normally I'd be happy about that, but considering I was feeling every ounce of physical pain she did, it was a mixed victory.

She looked back toward the door, muttering something tragic in Zebra. For a short while it seemed like V'kii was just waiting for something to happen, as was I.

And just when I thought it would be a memory of her just sitting there, something happened.

And holy snap, did it happen.

The entire room seemed to change. I can't explain it; when it changed, everything looked the same, but it felt different. Somehow it felt... evil.

I saw a weird shimmer in front of the door, like V'kii was looking through steam. Most of the 'evil' feelings in the room seemed to be focused right there. Slowly, it began to twist and contort, and the shimmer gained a more solid shape. Looking at it hurt, not in my eyes or like a headache, but my heart. Something about this thing was actually hurting my feelings with its mere appearance! Soon enough, it took defined form. I recognized it immediately: The statue in the ritual chamber.

It was even scarier in person. Its scales and fur were a shiny black with some kind of red iridescence. The armor, wings, and eyes were bright red, like they were painted with fresh blood. What really stood out though was the mane and tail: like the statue, they were made of fire, albeit much more flowy than the statue, and it seemed to have strange, tiny lights in it. On the monster's thigh was the freakiest cutie mark I'd ever seen: A drop of blood with a horrified, agonized face and a pair of demon wings, all superimposed over a circled pentagram.

V'kii shot up and ran as far away from the monster as the room would allow, dragging the chair with her. "S-Star Demon..." she said, too horrified to say anything more than a squeaky whisper. “I knew the ponies were serving you..."

The demon simply sat there and chuckled. "'Serving me?' What a cute notion. No, they have no idea about me. To the ponies watching through that window, I am completely imperceptible, and in fact, I plan on sowing destruction among them. I am a nonpartisan in their petty war. As for you specifically, you have no need to be afraid, V'kii," uttered the star demon, her voice smooth and slightly echoing with magic, "I only wish to help you..."

"Liar! I know what you are! Your kind can only bring pain!"

The monster faked disappointment. "So you would reject me, who wishes good for you, for the sake of Caesar, who betrayed you?"

"Shut up! Caesar did no such thing!"

"Do you know what kind of information you were delivering? And why your Stealth Suit failed you?"

"As if you do!"

"As a matter of fact..." The beast's horns glowed bright red, and a ring of light appeared, which began to show what appeared to be a recording on it, like a movie screen or something, depicting none other than Caesar in his war room from earlier, conversing with the mare he called Damuangaze.

"Are you sure you wish to do this, mighty lord Caesar?" Damuangaze asked. "I know it was my idea, but at this cost it obviously requires great consideration."

Caesar nodded. "Yes, I am sure. V'kii is enthusiastic, but she is our weakest assassin, our most expendable; this is the best way to use her. Whether or not she succeeds in killing Fluttershy, her Stealth Suit's modified talisman will self-destruct before she reaches the contact. She will be captured and the false information she is carrying will be intercepted, causing the Ponies to fortify Oakshadow Valley, wasting resources and leaving Puddinghead's Pass a weak spot."

"And you're sure you are willing to subject V'kii to what the ponies will do when she is captured?"

Caesar sighed, "It is for the good of all Zebrakind. She knows the risk, the only difference is that now it will be a certainty. She will suffer for a worthy cause."

Damuangaze nodded, and after a few moments of tense silence, V'kii entered the room.

"Sit, Assassin V'kii," said Caesar. "You have been chosen for a very crucial mission."

"I am at your service, my lord."

The image disappeared, leaving V'kii stunned and the demon looking at her, a pitying expression on her face.

"They... That can't be real... He wouldn't..." stammered V'kii.

"I am sorry, my little friend," said the demon. "But the fact is your Caesar used you. Now you have been captured, as per his plan, and you will be subjected to torturous memory probing by your Pony foes. Even if your mind survives, you will most likely be executed or imprisoned."

"But..." V'kii's eyes began to tear up. "What about my family... Ecnav..."

"I'm sure Caesar will send them his condolences... Not that he'll tell them he took you away from them on purpose..."

"It... It's a trick... That wasn't real..." V'kii repeated to herself. She couldn't look the demon in the face.

"Even if I did lie, what do you have to gain by rejecting me? Caesar will not attempt to rescue you, you are but one mare, already too far gone for him. I am your lifeline. Your last chance at survival."

"That... Oh dammit, that's true... Damn! A demon is my best option!? By Caesar, what have I done to deserve this!? And what you said... It makes so much sense... It's true, isn't it? And I trusted everything to him!" She stood up and stomped her hooves, starting to cry in sadness and fury.

"It's so tragic when the ones you trust betray you..."

Just then, three ponies walked into the room, a unicorn flanked by two guards. "Alright," said the unicorn, a bookish looking guy with a sinister, sadistic grin, clearly the type who enjoyed this part of his job too much. "Let's see what this little bitch knows..."

V'kii looked at the unicorn, then at the demon, and back. It was as if she was wondering which one to be more afraid of. Admittedly, the unicorn almost seemed scarier; at least the demon was acting like a good guy.

As the unicorn took another step forward, the demon's horns glowed again, and all three ponies were enveloped in a bright red light. More ponies then rushed in, but they too were affected by the demon's magic. None of them moved, although they certainly looked like they were trying.

"I wonder what their faces will look like when they see me..." the demon mused, and then, though I couldn't see any change, she must have made herself visible, as the ponies all started screaming in horror, their eyes either locked on her, or closed so that they at least could avoid seeing whatever she was about to do to them.

"I think this one will do quite nicely," the demon said, looking at the unicorn.

He screamed, his body beginning to contort unnaturally. His skin tore open in numerous places, his whole body twisting like a whirlpool, but even as he looked to be completely torn to shreds, he still screamed, Hellish magic keeping him alive throughout the whole ordeal. Then a few of his pieces began putting themselves back together: Muscle fibers flattening themselves out into sheets, bones splintering and rearranging themselves likewise into two boards. The skin wrapped around the bones' new shapes, the facial bits noticeably staying together in a permanent scream. I realized as some of the body's connective tissues attached the sheets and boards to a segment of intact spine that the demon had just turned him into the book from the ritual chamber. Only after the transformation was complete did his screams stop, and I prayed that meant he was dead. The rest of the ponies were bound to the wall with another spell, their mouths strapped shut.

The demon set the book in front of V'kii. "This is a very special book, a book of great and terrible magic. There are a few others like it, each of a different origin, but the spells are the same. This one is my gift to you, and you may do with it as you wish. My only desire is to see just what you do with it..." With that, she cast a quick spell that destroyed V'kii's restraints, then casually walked to the corner of the room, as if to demonstrate that she would only be an observer. "But, if you want a suggestion, you look like you'd make a good hematomancer." Her horn glowed, opening the book to a page about blood spells.

V'kii glanced hesitantly at the book, the entire page dedicated to basic blood control. There were instructions for any race to use it, from zebras to unicorns, even nonmagical creatures like donkeys. I wanted to avert my eyes from it, but somehow just a glance forced the words into my mind. I didn't intend to ever use it, but I prayed that someday soon I could forget how.

V'kii seemed to think it over for a minute or two. She was sweating like crazy, weighing her options. She could either take the advice of a demon who just demonstrated that she was probably the most demented thing on the planet, or she could spurn her and probably die at the hands of ponies. "Demon..." she said. “You've saved me, disabled my enemies... You really don't want to hurt me, do you?"

"I want to see how my helping you affects the world. There's a lot of power in that book, and as I said, I'm just here to watch. If you wanted to, you could end the war and bring the world into a golden era with it. At the same time, you could use it to take whatever you wanted and rule the word. You could even just use it to escape from here and live a silent life, never to use the book again. Just let me see it."

"So I have nothing to lose. I still think you're evil, but... But I want to live. And if that means evil, then so be it." She stomped a hoof in determination, finally convincing herself.

She looked back into the book and reread the spell. She looked at the blood and gore that was left of the unicorn, and focused on it. Within seconds, it began to take the shape of three swords, which began to float into the air, levitating to V'kii's will. She looked from the swords to one of the ponies and grinned, ideas filling her head. The pony stared back pleadingly, but would find no mercy. V'kii willed the swords to fly at him, one entering each lung, and then the third in his stomach. With a sadistic laugh, she wrenched each one out of him, gutting him entirely, a quick but messy death. Other ponies who were watching all struggled against their restraints, trying to scream despite the demon's spell.

There was nothing I could do but watch as V'kii kept experimenting with the book, ripping the ponies limb from limb. I felt sick watching it all. I knew I was capable of similar brutality on raiders, but they at least deserved it. These poor ponies were just doing their jobs. Any sympathy V'kii could have gotten for her terrible situation was thrown away as she became practically playful with the demonic magic. For some she used more blood weapons, others she killed by purging the blood from their bodies, leaving nothing but husks. It wasn't long before V'kii and the demon were the last living beings in the room.

"Having fun?" asked the demon.

"Actually... Yes. It feels right. I think I really was meant to be a... hematomancer, you called it?"

"It seems so." A portal opened up behind the demon. "You'd better leave this place before more ponies come. Despite your potential you are still but a neophyte in the dark arts. Come with me, I'll take you back home."

V'kii nodded. "I suppose so. But before we leave, what should I call you? 'Star Demon' simply doesn't seem right anymore."

"My true name cannot be properly pronounced by your equine tongue. However, if I must be named, you may call me Bloodshine Nebula."

<-=======ooO Ooo=======->

I was fully prepared for more V'kii backstory, but when the last memory disappeared, I quickly realized that I was back in the Temple and in my own body, the taste of vomit in my mouth. Chess was in the cage next to me, now conscious and clutching his side. They'd taken all of mine and Chess's gear and thrown us in cages with the mares.

After all that I'd seen, I was utterly shocked. What Screwball showed me was amazing enough, but even then I had always thought of Discord and the goddesses as more like watchers than taking an active role in things. Now I saw that there were supernatural forces at work in the world, far beyond what I could have imagined, and I'd just seen the worst kind of them.

"Did you like my little history lesson, hero?" V'kii snarked, Ecnav and a couple of priestesses at her side. "After Mistress Bloodshine gave me my spellbook, I returned home and reunited with my sweet little Ecnav. Then I used the magic of the spellbook to make my own blood into what's called a 'soul jar' so I could live forever. Naturally I wanted to make my loved ones immortal too, but only Ecnav accepted... the rest could not see beyond their superstition. Ecnav didn't want a soul jar though, he was too attached to his mortal form, but fortunately I was able to find another solution in the book: a ritual that turned him into a vampire, granting him eternal youth at the mere cost of having to regularly drink blood."

Ecnav added "At first I was like, kinda freaked out at all the crazy demonic stuff, but then when V'kii told me that as a vampire I wouldn't need to listen to Caesar anymore, I was all over it. Now I can live forever, and Caesar's goons aren't around to confiscate my weed!"

"We abandoned the Zebra cause immediately after we found out what Caesar did to me. We were hardly surprised when that selfish fool destroyed the world, of course, but we were able to survive it. Bloodshine returned to us shortly after and suggested that we migrate to Equestria, as the population was higher and Ecnav's choice of immortality magic required us to live where there were more survivors for him to prey on. Once we got here, we started up our cult and instructed all of our followers that I could protect them with my magic, but only if they practiced ritual bloodletting. All that blood flows through drains down to the pool, and in case that's not enough, we also use our grinder to get blood out of heretics and snoopers, plus we built Maresti so Ecnav could feed on travelers who tried to sleep there."

I scowled at them. "With all that power, you could have overthrown Caesar easily if you hated him so much! Even if you sided with him you could have ended the war, you could have saved the whole world! Did any of that even occur to you? Either side would have hailed you as heroes and probably donated blood willingly to repay you!"

"Saving the world?" V'kii said incredulously. "Bloodshine took us beyond all that. Who cares if a couple of ant armies are squabbling at our feet?"

"Besides, post-apocalyptic settings are like way cooler than anything we had back then. I tell ya, a lot of gamers would have killed for your life," said Ecnav.

I ground my teeth. "You two are sick."

"Well, you're the one in a cage and about to become our eternal slave, so I guess we still win," Ecnav said, then stuck his tongue out at me and pulled down one of his eyelids.

"Tomorrow night, we'll take you all back into the ritual chamber and cast another little trick I learned from the book, which will remove your souls and make your bodies into our loyal slaves," said V'kii.

"We were gonna do it tonight, but it's a bit easier when the victims have been starved or exhausted for a day or two," said Ecnav, "And the spell's, like, really complex, so it's easier to cast it on all of you at once." He turned to V'kii, "In the meantime, why don't we head downstairs and break in that new tail end of yours, eh, babe?"

"Eager, aren't we?" she chuckled. She turned to her priestesses and commanded "I want two guards with the prisoners at all times to make sure they stay exhausted for tomorrow. If any of them so much as closes its eyes for longer than it takes to blink, shake its cage. None of them are allowed to sleep."

As I watched them leave, I sighed in frustration. I looked around the room, Chess was sighing and mulling over everything he had heard V'kii say. Arimaa and the captive mares were all despondent, some crying or praying. Fortunately, Bishop hadn't been captured, and Knight was still waiting outside, so we weren't over the edge just yet. Still, our outlook was pretty grim.

Well... It was 'pretty grim' for about eight minutes, then I heard a grunt of pain, and as I turned to look toward it, I saw one of the priestesses fall to the ground, her throat slit. Before the other priestess noticed anything was wrong, a bolt of green lightening struck her, making her convulse until the electricity fried her into nothing but dust.

"Bishop! I knew you'd come get us!" I said excitedly as my friend took the hood off his cloak. Privately, I was horrified that he had just killed two mares unaware that they were brainwashed, but I decided I wouldn't tell him until later. There was no use in piling emotional baggage on him mid-mission.

"Yeah. The laypony cultists didn't know anything important, so I came and found you guys. I took out the few guards that I met on my way down here, so we should have a clear path out. Worst case, if we meet any resistance I can zap 'em."

Arimaa smiled and shrugged. "Not much different than my plan really, but at least the crazy supermagic freaks are distracted this time, and they're the real problem. You know how to pick a lock?"

He pulled out a magazine titled 'Locksmith's Reader,' and opened to a page with a diagram of a lock on it. "Well, this magazine knows." He took out a lockpicking tool and managed to pop open Arimaa's lock, allowing her to help him get the rest of us. While she was doing that, Bishop freed Chess and cast a healing spell on him, repeating the process for all the other ponies who needed it.

As soon as we were all, out, I was hurriedly waiting by the exit. "Great, now come on, before they get back."

Chess nodded. "You don't have to tell me twice. I wish we could shut this place down, but let's face it, those two are out of our league. Besides, once people hear from us what this cult really is, we can save a lot of ponies from falling for their tricks again. That'll at least set their operation back a bit. Now let's get going before Knight alerts the Cult Leaders again by coming in here and shooting up the place."

Naturally, we hadn't taken ten steps before we started hearing the sounds of gunshots and explosions from upstairs, prompting a unanimous "Oh snap" from all of us. Bishop, who had taken the lead to keep an eye out for more priestesses, immediately said "Damn it! Knight jumped the gun! Come on, hurry!"

We rushed as fast as we could without tripping over each other, encountering nothing but a dead priestess along the way, one of Bishop's victims. When we got to the main room, we were greeted to the sight of Knight stomping a priestess's head in and lobbing a grenade at another. The other Checkmate ponies were basically just cleaning up after her.

"'Did ya see that, Chess? I totally killed those guys 'til they were dead! Aren't I awesome?" asked Knight.

Chess ignored her, simply saying "Shut up! We have to run now!"

Suddenly blood started gushing up from the drains, spraying like broken pipes and coating the floors and walls.

"No!" Chess shouted, darting for the exit.

Before any of us could reach it, the blood formed a wall of in front of the entrance. V'kii's glowing eyes and a mouth appeared on it, grinning condescendingly. "Did you really think you could leave here so easily?"

Only being paralyzed from fear kept me from collapsing out of hopelessness.

One of the red shirted ponies from Knight's group threw a grenade at the blood wall, opening a small hole in the barrier which closed in a mere second. V'kii countered instantly by making a tendril of blood shoot out of the wall, stabbing him through the eye and out the back of his head. When it came back out, it brought all his blood with it. Two more red shirts immediately began shooting, only for another pair of tendrils to come out and whip them with such force that it actually sliced the top half of their bodies from the bottom, creating a huge, bloody mess which the tendrils then absorbed into themselves, lapping up the blood like a pair of anteater tongues. Knight and the remaining members of her crew were fortunately able to catch on though and held their fire.

For the captive mares, things descended into pandemonium. Some just fell to the ground and sobbed, two of them made a desperate attempt to charge the blood wall and break through, only for dozens of blood spikes to impale them and then twist around, shredding them into nothing but bones and scraps of meat. A couple, including Arimaa, ran down toward the hallway that led to the other cultist's quarters.

"Oh no, they must be trying to warn the other cultists," V'kii said flatly. "I guess this just means I'll have to exterminate them all. Good, I've been wanting to try that for a while, but without a reason it would have been just wasteful."

Chess exhaled, and shook his head, psyching himself up for a standoff. "Miss, if I could have a word with you?"

"A word? You're actually going to try to talk your way out of death?" she laughed. "Go on. Convince me. Talk me down. Appeal to me."

Despite it all, Chess held the same composure as he had with the Winksteppers. "We have allies, several, who know where we are, and will know that your cult is responsible if we do not return. They are very powerful and very connected, and word of what the Embrace really is will spread rapidly. You will never have another pony join you again, which means no more blood, which means Ecnav will die. However, if we are allowed to leave, we will tell everypony that your cult is benign, make something up about the dead, and nopony will be the wiser. You will be able to continue as you always have. So, do we have a deal?"

V'kii scoffed. "A deal? You think that I care about this one little temple? We need no Cult to survive! This Temple was an exercise in laziness! It only stood to make our prey come to us, but we are more than capable of living on as hunters! But, if you truly wish to live, I shall offer one opportunity for you..."

Chess swallowed, but listened. "I'll take what I can get."

"It's very simple. You see, I haven't had the chance to participate in a good massacre in decades. I miss the screams... the thrill of the chase... So maybe you can evade me or hide from me somewhere before I pick you off. It is not likely, but perhaps worth an attempt. Now... Run!"

All of us fled as more blood tendrils whipped out of the wall, impaling one of the red shirts and pumping blood into him until he literally exploded. I took the chance to telekinetically grab one of the dropped guns, an assault rifle, and take it with me just in case, not that I figured I could do much with it.

As I ran, I ended up taking the route back toward the cages and the ritual chamber. V'kii and Ecnav's room was down there, and that's probably where they took my stuff. That meant that's where they had the StealthBucks, my only method of escape. When I glanced back, I noticed that the rest of the Checkmate Company ponies were following me as well.

When we got back to the cages, we found Ecnav there, already waiting for us, our equipment held in blood tendrils from his back. "I knew you dicks were gonna show up. Coming for this? Think it's gonna help you?" He threw it to us. "Go for it! I haven't had a real fight in years! Just try it! Give me at least something close to a challenge!" The blood tendrils from his spine turned into wings and he took to the air, "Now come at me, bros!"

The two remaining red shirts and Knight opened fire while Chess and I scrambled into our armor. Ecnav merely laughed as the bullets were magically pushed back out of his body. He became bloodstained and damaged, but he regenerated almost instantly.

"Great, now it's my turn!" he said. He pointed a hoof at the last pony red shirt, who began glowing green until he began vomiting pure blood, which kept coming until he was left as a dry husk. Then all of that blood shaped itself into a giant sword which Ecnav turned on the griffon, chopping off each limb one by one before finally cutting off his head. "You're making this too easy!" Ecnav shouted before creating a thick blood tendril and smacking Knight upside the head with it, sending her flying across the room, stunned, but not out yet. Ecnav just laughed maniacally. "Do I need to start holding ba- Augh!" He began convulsing as Bishop hit him with a bolt of magical lightning.

Chess and I were already done getting our gear on, even plugging in Stealthbucks. I pulled out the assault rifle and used S.A.T.S. to give Ecnav everything it had in it, all headshots. It was hard to focus on the way it mutilated his face, but I powered through it. A little nausea was worth winning.

Chess, meanwhile, plucked out one of his grenades and lobbed it at him with a S.A.T.S. aimed throw. The blast sent Ecnav flying across the room and I heard something land to the left of me. A quick glance revealed that it was Ecnav's leg. I flipped on S.A.T.S. to double check if he was alive, and sure enough, he still had most of his 'health bar' left, but the grenade had still taken a good chunk of it, much more than the bullets. I only just now remembered my own grenades, and realized that they were probably my best bet. I started lobbing them at him as fast as I could, soon knocking off another limb.

Once I was sure he was almost dead, however, all the blood in the room, plus the legs, began flowing toward Ecnav, coating him protectively in a thick bubble. Chess threw another grenade at him, but couldn't get through. Regardless of his protection and healing powers though, healing what we did to him would take much longer than healing a bullet wound. He'd be out for a while.

"Well, he's not gonna get up from that at least. If we can't kill him, then we need to find a way out," said Chess.

"Hey, Chess," I said, getting an idea. "How big is the explosion of a Balefire Egg? Big enough to take down that blood wall up at the entrance?"

"A balefire egg? Forget the blood, that could blow a hole in the stone wall. But where would we get one?"

"Downstairs, I read the terminal on that big blood grinder thing, and it uses one as its power source. If I can remove it somehow, do you think we can set it off?"

"Did somepony say nuking a Balefire Egg?" Knight asked, woozily staggering to us. "Yeah, I've done that a couple times." She pulled out a small electrical device and a detonator. "This is a fusion pulse charge, just plug it into the Egg, hit the detonator and BAM! Best fireworks in all of Equestria."

"Alright," said Chess, picking the items up. "Click, Bishop, you're with me, we need invisibility. Knight, get as many of the lay cultists and captives as you can and prepare to run. Don't try to fight, except as a last resort." She nodded and went back upstairs. Meanwhile, the rest of us turned and proceeded down to the Ritual Chamber.

When we arrived, we found that the entire floor was covered in blood and the pool half drained, the blood displaced throughout the temple. V'kii was in the middle of the pool, floating on its surface in meditation. We snuck past her to the Juicer, where I took out a screwdriver and began looking over it for a panel or something to get at the Egg.

"I can see you, you know," V'kii said.

We froze.

"Well, not see you, per se," she elaborated. "But you're standing in blood, blood which is an extension of my body. Even if you're invisible, I can easily feel you."

Pretty freaked out by now, I couldn't think of anything else to do but search harder for that panel. Dang it, why was it so dark! I finally found a screw and jammed my screwdriver into it, trying frantically to open it up.

An instant later my world became red. I had never seen the ocean or a wave before, but I knew that the titanic force of blood washing over me could only be a tsunami.

We struggled to our feet, soaked to the skin with the lifeblood of countless unfortunate ponies. I was hit so hard that my StealthBuck was actually knocked out.

"You were interested in my machine, I take it?" V'kii asked, standing above me. "Why didn't you just say so? Here, take a closer look!" A blood tendril shot out from her hoof and wrapped around me. I was jerked into the air, and heard Bishop scream my name as I was thrown toward the Juicer and certain death. By sheer luck, I landed on the Juicer's rim: if my hooves hadn't just barely caught on the edge, it would have instantly killed me-'instantly' if I was lucky. Even then, I wasn't strong enough to lift myself out and began sliding in. I looked down into the machine, seeing countless spinning, shredding teeth, easily able to obliterate anything that touched them.

There was one upside though, just a small one, but it could buy me some time. The opening for the machine was designed to take in dead ponies head or tail first. If somepony braced themselves with their legs, especially long legs like mine, they could hold themselves on the sloped walls, at least for a little bit. I kicked off with my forelegs and landed face up just a foot or two over teeth. Just for a moment I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I felt a yank on my tail.

It didn't catch any flesh, but my tail hairs got caught and began sucking me in.

I yelped as some of the hairs were torn out. There was no freeing my tail. My only hope was my legs wouldn't give, and getting my tail hair ripped out wouldn't hurt too badly. Come on Click, be strong!

Be Strong!

I screamed as I felt half of my hair yanked out, taking most of the skin with it. Otherwise I was fine though, and survival through pain gave me an idea for how to get out of here. I didn't like it one bit, but it was worth a shot.

I telekinetically took out one of my last few grenades out of my saddlebags, flicked out the pin, and dropped it below.

The things I do for life.

The blast launched me up and over the side of the machine, and I landed roughly on the ground. I downed a healing potion and ran out to see if Bishop and Chess were okay.

Both were alive, though battered and their invisibility methods torn away in combat. They were putting up a valiant effort against V'kii, not that that amounted to much against an immortal. Her shell of a body was getting visibly mutilated, but she didn't even seem to care. She wasn't even too focused on the fight, just toying with them. She even looked directly at me and seemed more pleasantly surprised at having another punching bag than anything. However, after Canis, something about her overconfidence made me rather, well, confident.

"Bishop, Chess," I said, calling them with my ranged whisper spell, "Get her in that machine somehow, I have an idea!"

I ran to assist them, lobbing a grenade at her as a distraction, blowing away one of her hind legs and stunning her. That's when Bishop took his opportunity to wrap her up in a shield and force her into the Juicer.

"Now, when she's in, plug the exit spout!" I yelled. As Bishop did so, I rushed to the terminal and opened Advanced System Settings.

"You let me out!" She roared, more in annoyance than real anger. Zadara's body was obliterated instantly by the machine, but her blood form remained. With Bishop plugging the escape and the machine sucking her back in whenever she tried the entrance, she was trapped. All throughout the room, blood began sloshing about in massive waves, trying to smash us. Bishop on the other hoof was aided by a nice rush of adrenaline, and even when a lucky shot hit him and broke his concentration, he was able to start it up again before she escaped

From the terminal, I began messing with everything I could about the machine. I had no idea what I was doing, but I figured every single option and setting wasn't meant to be at maximum. The second I backed out, the whole device began to shake. We all got as far as we could from the device while Bishop could maintain the shield.

"No!" screamed V'kii, realizing what was happening. "What did you do?"

The Juicer exploded, sending chunks of warped metal everywhere and making my PipBuck tick. We were just out of range of lethal radiation, but only sheer luck saved us from the shrapnel. The second the explosion happened, all the turbulent blood calmed down, running back in to the pool.

I fell to my side. My PipBuck said I was an inch from death, but after sipping a couple healing potions, I knew that I still had a chance.

"Click, there's no time, to rest!" barked Chess. "If she was controlling the blood wall, it's probably down by now. Come on, we have to run before Ecnav wakes up!"

Just before we could turn to go back up though, we heard Ecnav's voice as he descended the stairs. "V'kii! Are you down here? What happened?" He came into view, only mostly healed after the fight, and saw the three of us standing in the room full of lifeless blood and radioactive metal. We tried to run, but he made more tentacles of blood wrap around our feet, immobilizing us. "Where is she?" he growled.

"Dead," I said, trying to hide my fear. I was out of grenades and our one Balefire Egg was gone, so I wasn't sure how we were gonna face him now.

"No, she can't die," he insisted. "Her blood was a soul jar, it was indestructible!"

"Well I don't know much about soul jars, but I do know a bit about balefire explosions, and that's that nothing survives being at ground zero, even for a small one like that."

He left us stuck there, frantically calling V'kii's name for several minutes and searching the blast zone. Finally he realized we were telling the truth. "No... V'kii! Come back to me! You can't just leave me here, babe! What will I do without you? Please..." He fell to his knees and bawled.

The blood tendrils brought us straight to Ecnav. He focused his anger on me, the one who'd delivered the news, and wrapped his hooves around my throat. "You killed her! She was everything to me and you killed her!"

"The two of you murdered countless ponies! You can't justify that, even with love!" I countered, furious that he'd even try making me the bad guy. After what he'd done, sympathy was the last thing he'd find.

"But she did it for me," he sobbed. "Taking Bloodshine's magic, making me immortal, even replacing her body just to stay sexy for me. She didn't deserve this... she didn't..."

"If you love her so much, go join her. I'm sure they have room in Hell," I spat.

He glared at me, looking ready to kill me. Then, just when I thought he couldn't get any more furious... he smiled. He actually smiled, and it chilled me to the core. He turned away and casually trotted over to the Bloodshine statue to retrieve the spellbook. "You know, you act like she was just so horrible. But there was one thing she refused to do to anypony, one thing that even she said was too cruel. Back when she first made her soul jar, she had to split her soul in half. She described it as being beyond the greatest pain imaginable. She eventually gave up sleeping because otherwise she would have nightmares about it every single night. Even though we removed ponies' souls to make our priestesses, she swore never to cut one up again. But then... she never felt this kind of loss..." He began laughing, giggling with sinister, sadistic ideas. "If she got that much pain from splitting her soul in two, what would happen if I split yours into a thousand!" He looked me in the eyes. "LET'S FIND OUT!"

He began chanting in an ancient tongue, his eyes glowing green. I suddenly felt myself jerked into the air. I looked downward and saw the blood on the ground replaced by a whirling mass of what could only be described as pure evil. At either side of me, Bishop and Chess were lifted up as well. The evil magic wrapped tightly around us and seemed to drain the warmth from our bodies. A few moments later, the pain started.

Pain... what an understatement.

I can't put into words what it was like. Nothing earthly could ever be used as a reference point. I looked to Ecnav and tried to speak, but realized I was already screaming. With great difficulty I forced myself to stop and begged, my confidence and rage destroyed. "Please, stop it! I- I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you want from me? I'm sorry! Just kill us and let it be over!"

"Over?" He laughed. "Fucker, this is step one!"

Right when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I felt the magic take a bite of my soul. The pain from before was pleasure compared to this. I must have been screaming, but the pain was so great I couldn't even hear myself. My other senses were literally drowned in agony. All I had was my sight, allowing me to witness a tiny speck of dark blue light emerge from my chest, and grey and green ones coming out of Chess and Bishop as well. The three little stars floated to the Bloodshine statue, joining the other lights in the orb on her breastplate.

The second soul piece he took felt even worse...

But it was nothing compared to the third. Or the fourth. Or the fifth.

He would keep going for as long as we had souls to steal. Even one more second of this and I knew I would go insane. I began running on pure instinct, my only thought becoming 'escape.' That's how I was able to justify what I did next.

A lucky jolt of adrenaline gave me just a few seconds of insight. The spellbook: I had seen it! I'd seen some of the magic within! I remembered the hematomancy, how the spell was just so easy to do! I might not have Ecnav and V'kii's skill with it, but I knew I could do just a little, and it would be enough!

My horn glowed, the magic within it cold and black, though not so much as what Ecnav was doing to us. Normally the pain would have stopped me from doing it, but this magic wanted to be cast. Who knows, perhaps being surrounded by Ecnav's black magic enhanced my own. I focused all that I had into the spell, screaming even louder as I forced it on Ecnav.

In an instant me and my friends were released from the spell and collapsed to the ground.

In front of us, Ecnav stood frozen, just as I'd hoped: I'd coagulated all of the blood in his body. I didn't know whether that killed him or just stalled him a bit, but I wasn't going to wait to find out.

Resisting the overwhelming urge to just fall unconscious, as Chess and Bishop had instantly given in to, I pulled out Starstruck and put every shot in its magazine into Ecnav. The bullets pockmarked his body, sending off flecks of brown, dry blood. One of the shots accidentally hit the spellbook, obliterating it. When Starstruck ran out, I used my shotgun. The first shot tore away all the skin on his front, but the second ended it for sure. I don't know whether it was something magical, or I'd hit him in just the right way or what, but he just exploded. Chunks of meat and guts and blood flakes flew all over the room, not one body part staying together. I didn't question it, all that mattered was he was dead.

As an afterthought, I turned toward the Bloodshine statue, put in another shell, and shot the orb with the souls in it. It shattered, allowing each one to float away. The parts of mine and Bishop's and Chess' all returned to us. I felt my spirit sewing itself back together, helping my pain just a little bit. Others flew outward, returning to their originals homes in the priestesses. Most of them though, floated upward and faded away, their bodies long since dead. I couldn't be too sure, but I thought I heard a chorus of a thousand 'thank yous.'

"Hey, are you guys okay in here?" I heard a familiar voice call to us. I didn't really care who it was though. As I exhaustedly flopped to the ground, I just hoped that whoever it was would let me sleep...

*** *** ***

I woke up back in the room I had been staying in at the Marefu Hub. According to my Pipbuck, it was about noon the day after we went to the temple. I was heavily bandaged, and after a quick inspection I noticed a scarred spot on my tail that would probably be bald for the rest of my life. Better than being dead or worse though, and it didn't matter how mutilated I was, just so long as what Ecnav had done to my soul was over and done with. Ecnav had said splitting her soul haunted V'kii for the rest of her life, but I think my soul just being complete again was soothing the pain quite a lot. Even now I felt a sweet warmth within, my spirit celebrating over regaining what it had lost. It wasn't a complete fix, but it was enough for me. Maybe in a day or so, it'd all be just a memory.

My equipment was sitting in the corner, cleaned as best as anypony could, but I still noticed a bit of blood in the hard to reach places on it. I'd have to take all the guns apart apart and clean every piece individually, but that was no big deal, really. I could do that much in my sleep. My heart ached when I saw my Dad's armor though: It was completely ruined. The blood staining it several shades darker than normal was bad enough, but my own grenade trick had utterly destroyed the back. I might have been able to repair it if I had some spare leather scraps, but I'd end up with more new material than original.

I looked through my saddlebags, and found Stellar's gear. It looked unisex, and about my size, so I tried it on. It fit well enough, although when I looked in the bathroom mirror I could see that it wasn't exactly my color. It felt odd just wearing Stellar's clothes too; part of my mind was telling me 'she would have wanted you to have these,' while another part was telling me 'Oh, Click, you're wearing clothes that touched Stellar's naked fur, you naughty boy!' …I much preferred the former notion. On a whim, I looked at my PipBuck to see if this outfit to see if it had anything to say about this outfit's 'stats'. The DT was about the same as my old barding, just one point higher, but this one had the added effects +5 Firearms and +5% Critical Chance.

... I really needed to learn what exactly all that meant.

I took off the barding to avoid messing with my bandages too much and walked out to see if everypony else was okay. The second I walked out I saw Bishop coming from his own room, injured as well, but not nearly as much as me. "Hey, Click," he waved, wincing as he saw my bandages. "Sheesh, and I thought I looked bad."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better. Well, at least we lived, right?"

"Looks like it, although I almost doubted it when I woke up. The only thing that made me think I might be alive was that I was too sore for it to be in Heaven, but if I was in Hell then clearly their standards for torture were pretty low. It'd be more like... well, more like whatever that zebra did." He shuddered at the memory. "How did we survive anyway?"

"I... used a spell," I said, not knowing what to say about that magic.

"A spell? Why why'd you wait ‘til the last second to use it?" He sounded like he would have been mad if he wasn't so confused.

"It wasn't exactly a normal spell. Come on, I'll tell you in my room, it's a bit hard to explain."

He followed me in, now genuinely baffled. When I was sure no one else was there to overhear, I locked the door and told him everything from the memory orb. Some of the information about Caesar and Fluttershy was probably superfluous, but I felt that I needed to start from the beginning. When I got to the actual meat of it, with Bloodshine and the spellbook, the look on Bishop's face was of pure shock.

"So you used a spell from the book?" Bishop inferred once I finished.

"I felt like I had no other choice, I was desperate..." I said, defending myself even though Bishop's tone wasn't accusing at all.

"No, don't worry about it, it's just a spell," he said. "It doesn't matter where it came from, you used it for the right thing." He put a foreleg on my shoulder, sensing my guilt.

"I know, but... no, it's not 'just a spell.' You don't know what that spell is like. It felt wrong, I felt evil just for casting it."

"But you're not evil, Click! If you hadn't used that spell, I'd be dead, no, worse than dead! We'd all be!"

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just shrugged and sighed. "I know... and I'm glad I did it because of that, but... I never want to use that magic again."

"Alright. But you do know that it could make fighting a whole lot easier, right? I mean it worked great on Ecnav."

"No! V'kii started with saving herself from the ponies, but look what she turned into! That spell came from a demon, Bishop, and regardless of what she said, she didn't teach it to V'kii just to see what would happen."

He nodded. "I understand. You're right, that's the same tactic chem pushers use on people. You start small, then... well, then you're making your blood into a soul jar and getting a vampire boyfriend."

I couldn't repress a chuckle. "Glad you understand."

"It's all good. But still, don't beat yourself up about using it that one time. It wasn't fun getting my soul torn up..." he swallowed. "B-but never mind that. Let's go see how the others are doing."

"You sure you aren't gonna need to talk something out?" I asked. I felt a lot better with my soul already healing, and assumed he probably felt the same way, but the subject seemed to hit him a bit harder.

"No, I'm feeling better by the minute. It's just fresh in my mind is all. I should be fine after doing something non-dark-magicky. Come on, let's go get some breakfast," he said, looking like he really didn't want to talk about it. I shrugged and nodded. No use in forcing it, I suppose.

We reached the main room and found that most everyone else in the Hub was already awake. I noticed some scavengers coming into the Hub carrying boxes of broadcasting equipment, all taken from the Temple, with Chess overseeing them. I supposed that the Checkmate Company would probably be taking V'kii's place on the radio pretty soon, which would be great for business. Meanwhile, the Hub had been converted into an improvised shelter for the cultists, who all looked lost and confused. Arimaa, I noticed, was nearby, giving one cultist some impromptu counseling.

"But where will I go now?" he moaned.

Arimaa shrugged, "Dunno. Though if you take up religion again, try to avoid the ones that are obviously evil next time."

Well, I said she was giving counseling, not that she was good at it.

"If you try the Cult of Discord in Whinnyapolis, tell Screwball that Click says 'hi,'" I added in passing.

"Hey, wait!" Arimaa shouted to me before I got too far.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, uh, you two are Click Click and Bishop, right? I'm Arimaa, from the distress signal. I just wanted to say thanks for saving us and everything. Chess said it was mostly you that killed the cult leaders, Click."

"I guess I was. Ya think I can get him to pay me more for that?"

"Ha! Maybe an extra cap per day. Worth a shot though. He definitely owes you something."

Just then I noticed something familiar about her voice. "Back in the temple, I heard someone calling us after the fight, was that you?"

"Oh yeah. When all the crazy blood stuff stopped I had a hunch you guys pulled something off. So I ran in to see what happened. Might not have been the safest choice, but it paid off."

"Well, thank you for that. It probably saved us from bleeding out or something."

"Definitely!" added Bishop.

"It was nothing," she said. "Thank you two for going out of your way to rescue me," she gave us each a hug, one after the other. "Anyway, I still feel like I need to pay you back. How ‘bout I buy you breakfast?"

"That sounds great," I replied.

She turned and led us to the bar. I couldn't help but make the observation that compared to ponies, zebra mares tended to have nice big plots... J-just an observation! Not staring! Not staring at all!

As the three of us ate and talked, the radio was playing a techno remix of, oddly enough, one of V'kii's chants. As it finally ended, DJ Fizzypop's voice came on. "Heya, Wastelanders! That was my new song, Koyaanisqatsi v.2! Did it sound familiar? It should if you used to be a fan of The Embrace. However, if that's the case I got some bad news for ya. Yesterday, somepony named Arimaa was actually kidnapped by the cult who ran the station! No joke! Apparently, all of the rumors about disappearances connected with The Embrace were one hundred percent true. Right now we're getting a lot of conflicting stories about the specifics, but there are a few recurring elements: namely brainwashing, vampirism, and lots and lots of bleeding. Fortunately, Arimaa had some friends in high places, namely the Checkmate Company, who, according to new information, was involved in the liberation of Baltimare. In fact, a certain Blue Guy and Green Chick were part of the rescue party! Needless to say, a bunch of clerics, even evil ones, didn't stand much of a chance against the ones who downed Canis Atrox. A couple hours later, the group came back out, Arimaa and several other rescued ponies in tow. In addition, the Checkmate Company has taken the spoils of victory, namely all of their radio equipment, which, personally, I'm happy about. Those spritebots were made to help people get a little bit of joy out in the Wasteland, not to trick people into getting their blood sucked out or whatever was going on in there! So welcome to the radio, Checkmate Company! Best of luck to you! Maybe you can pay the Lightbringer a visit too, while you're at it. Seriously, I'm cool with heavy metal, but not with giving out torture tips and burning ponies alive on the air. Seriously, what the fudge! And I've seen those vandalized soda machines, you monsters! For shame, Legion, for shame. Speaking of which, I remixed one of their songs too! Let's have a listen: I call it Indestructible, Dubstep Edition!"

*** *** ***

Footnote: Level Up! Level six.
Perk Added: Bloody Mess- Your brush with dark magic has had a bizarre effect on you. For reasons you can't quite explain, you are much better at causing pain, giving you a 5% bonus to all damage you do. In addition, any death you cause tends to make an inexplicably huge and often explosive mess. Hope you like cleaning gore goo off your clothes!
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! Congratulations to us! With a record 1,549 gallons and one period joke, this is officially the bloodiest Fallout Equestria chapter EVER!
Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, Click Click has an encounter with someone he thought he'd never see again, who leads the group on a treasure hunt for Stable 16, where the locals are friendly, the resources are plentiful, and all sorts of other things which are too good to be true. Meanwhile, the Legion is back and more gimmicky than ever, and that's only number one on the list of impending fiascoes.

Author's Note

I am so sorry that this one took so long ;_; All sorts of things happened to get in the way, but thankfully, we're working on getting back on track. However, we have updated the Side Stories again, so you can check that out if you want. Sadly, our plan to go on tumblr has flopped as a result of the artist vanishing without a trace. In addition, Trivial had to back out as an editor due to time constraints.

On a completely unrelated note, I am taking up a side project to work on so I don't stagnate even when I get writer's block. It's a crossover between MLP (duh) and a rising star in the anime world, Dangan Ronpa. For those of you who haven't heard of it, I would describe it as a character driven black comedy high school murder mystery story. It has a group on this site called Hope's Peak Academy. Beware of spoilers in the forums there.

Thanks to all my readers, prereaders, and people who I ripped off intellectual property from!

Prologue: Somewhere I Belong

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria...

…There came an era when the ideals of friendship gave way to greed, selfishness, paranoia and other behavior which warranted a much higher age rating than TV-Y. Lands took up arms against their neighbors. The end of the world occurred much as we had predicted -- with tons of awesome explosions. The details are trivial and pointless, but we're probably going to learn about them through memory orbs anyway. The reasons, as always, purely to pave the way for awesome fanfiction. The world was nearly wiped clean of life. A great cleansing (or a great dirtying, the place really was a mess afterwards); a magical spark struck by pony hooves quickly raged out of control. Megaspells rained from the skies. Entire lands were swallowed in flames and fell beneath the boiling oceans. A terrible plague broke out in Coltorado, but was then immediately eradicated when everypony who was infected got incinerated by balefire. Ponykind was almost extinguished, their spirits becoming part of the ambient radiation that blanketed the lands. A quiet darkness fell across the world...

…But it was not, as some had predicted, the end of the world. Instead, the apocalypse was simply the prologue for another bloody chapter in pony history. In the early days, thousands were spared the horrors of the holocaust by taking refuge in enormous underground shelters known as Stables... where they were exposed to the horrors of Stable-Tec's social experiments and just outright poor planning and faulty equipment. But eventually, those who survived were able to leave and create viable settlements, their descendents living in relative safety. None of these settlements were perfect by any means, but only a complete moron would actually leave one, especially for some petty reason like boredom. One of these settlements was called New Appleloosa, and it is where our story begins...

Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland
By Click Clack

Prologue: Somewhere I Belong

"You're a hero now, and you have to leave."

(6_9)...

"Hey, Click! Pulse says to wake up now!"

I awoke to the sound of my youngest sister's voice. Apparently I'd slept through my alarm again, something that my older sister (though still younger than me) attributed to too much soda and not enough exercise.

Still only semi-conscious, I rolled over to look at her. Instead, I saw a tiny hellhound holding a bloody knife standing next to my bed.

I was wide awake after that. I instinctively grabbed a pillow with my telekinesis and swung it, realizing only when it was too late that my target was far too short to be a real hellhound and even if it was full sized there was no reason for something with razor fingers to use a knife.

"Ow!" the not-hellhound whined as she dropped her mask and paint covered rubber knife. "I'm telling!" As I would have known if I'd been truly awake, it was just my aforementioned little sister, Spark. She was an earth pony filly with a cyan coat that covered a layer of baby fat. The chubbiness made her look even cuter than many other fillies, a trait that she took advantage of quite frequently to get away with her constant pranking. Honestly, I was baffled at how her flanks weren't already adorned with whoopee cushions or joy buzzers. I'm not trying to criticize her though; she knew where to draw the line with her pranks, not to mention that she was the sweetest filly I knew.

I rolled my eyes and got out of bed. Admittedly, that had been kinda funny, plus I was wide awake now.

No sooner did I walk out my door than my other sister, Pulse, called from downstairs. Even though she was my sister (and three years younger than me!) she'd basically taken over the role of 'Mom' ever since our actual mother was killed by raiders. Naturally Dad had tried first, but we'd decided against it after he nearly burned down the house trying to mop the floors. I tried too, being the oldest, but I nearly flooded the house trying to cook dinner. Pulse, meanwhile, was able to fit into the role with ease. She was a blue mare with an orange mane and, like myself, had inherited Mom's unicorn genes. Like the rest of our family, she was a skilled tinkerer. Her cutie mark was a wrench with wings, representative of her lifelong dream to make mechanical wings for earth ponies and unicorns. "Click Click, did you hit Spark?"

"It was with a pillow, and she came at me with a rubber knife!" I really did feel sorry for hitting her, but it's not like she shouldn't have seen it coming.

"I know," she conceded. "But still, you know how hard your telekinesis can hit. Just be gentler with her, okay? Anyway, Apple Whiskey came by earlier. He needs you to go fix his radio as soon as possible today."

“Alright,” I said back as I made my way to the bathroom. I was just as good with repairing machines as the rest of my family, and communications devices were my specialty. Naturally, if anyone in town had a broken radio, I was the one to fix it. It was hardly an exciting or challenging job, but hey, it’s a living.

I turned the bathroom radio on to listen to as I checked my appearance in the mirror (we had radios in pretty much every room in our house, all of them built from scratch by one of us). Like most radios in New Appleloosa, it was tuned in to DJ Pon3.

“Good morning Equestria! Say, I’ve got a question for all of you out there; do you know just where it is that you belong, what your true destiny is? Apparently this guy figured out where his place was. I just hope he got there before the megaspells hit! Here’s Michael Colton singing Go the Distance.”

An inspiring tune that seemed to be too dramatic and serious to come on immediately after a megaspell joke began to play, which then gave way to some outright angelic singing.

I looked at my reflection, my dark sienna mane in disarray. I styled it into a sort of punkish look, having it part to the right of my horn to slightly obscure my eye. Lookin' good, Click, lookin' real good! Then I moved on to brushing my cobalt blue coat, carefully avoiding the small scar on my chest. Lesson learned from that: don't screw around with robots. From that day on I was scared to death of them. Last, I got my tail, back legs, and cutie mark. The latter depicted a telegraph device, a relic even by pre-war standards that I had seen only in books.

Perhaps it was just the fact that I was still a bit sleepy, but my eyes (bright yellow, by the way) had a rather sad look today. Maybe sad wasn't the right word, but I certainly wasn't happy. My life was far from bad of course: I lived in a safe settlement, had a big two story boxcar house, and had steady work, but that was all I had. I'd spent my entire life up to this point just going through the motions of daily life, fixing a radio here, tuning up somepony's battle saddle there. Recently, I'd come to realize that I'd done nothing to be genuinely proud of. I wasn't even good at inventing like Pulse and Dad, I just fixed stuff. That Michael Colton song about fulfilled destiny and making your way in the world certainly wasn't making me feel better about it either. Let's face it; my life was boring, and as such I was bored with it!

Ah well, nothing I could do about it but let the feeling pass, I supposed.

I finished up by brushing my teeth, which were... well, let's just say they matched my eyes (also from too much soda, according to Pulse), but at least they were all straight. Grabbing my tool belt from my room and a box of Fancy Colt Snack Cakes from the kitchen for a quick breakfast, I headed over to Turnpike Tavern.

*** *** ***

“Is that radio fixed yet?” called a boisterous buck from across the tavern. I had figured that there wouldn’t be very many ponies here drinking this early in the morning, but I hadn’t accounted for the night watch that had just gotten off duty. One of them, the one who yelled at me, was already pretty sloshed. Besides them, there was that pegasus that had been hanging around town, a local mare that had decided that it was never too early for a martini, and of course the town drunk, Two Moons. Apple Whiskey was behind the counter, leisurely polishing some glasses.

“Hold your horses! I’ve almost got it!” I called back. Heh, ‘Hold your horses.’ What an odd expression.

I made one final adjustment and turned the radio on to test it before I closed it back up. It worked just as well as it would have 200 years ago, just catching the end of some Sapphire Shores song. Apple Whiskey thanked me and handed me 75 caps, 20 of which I gave right back. I figured I'd earned a bit of Sparkle Cola. Sure, I had a stash at home already, but that stuff was all the way back at home!

“Hey, can that Sapphire Shores sing or what?” DJ Pon3 exclaimed over the radio. “Anyway, time for a bit of news. Remember those weird spritebots that I mentioned a couple days ago? Well, as it turns out, the rumors that they were built by Red Eye or the Enclave or tentacle monsters from the fifth dimension were all way off. Earlier today, some technological prodigy contacted me claiming that he’s found out some way to imitate the radio relay abilities of Red Eye’s spritebots and built these new ones to allow new radio stations to play in Equestria, just as long as one of those spritebots is in the area. Apparently, a few ponies have already taken advantage. So if you see one of these new spritebots, please destroy it so I have less competition. Ha! Just kidding! I say welcome to the airwaves, newbies! I haven’t personally had a chance to check any of the new stations yet, but according to the spritebots’ creator, the relay effect only works on the frequencies from 30 to 100, so turn your dials there if you want to give any of the new stations a listen. For those of you who’d rather stick with this old fashioned DJ, here’s one of my classics…” the DJ’s voice then gave way to one of his usual tracks.

"Hey, Click, would you mind checking those out? I'm curious," Apple Whiskey asked, as I was the one still closest to the radio.

"Yeah, no problem." I turned the dial to 30 and started working my way up.

When I hit the first station, frequency 37.8, the static gave way to some kind of creepy organ music. Eventually the instrument was joined by an echo-y voice, or perhaps several voices in unison, who quietly said one weird zebra-ish sounding word, repeating it every few seconds.

“Koyaanisqatsi…

Koyaanisqatsi…

Koyaanisqatsi…

Koyaanisqatsi…”

“I don't get it," one of the patrons said finally. I don't think any of the rest of us did either. I looked to Apple Whiskey, who nodded for me to keep going.

The next channel, I noticed, was frequency 66.6. I guess they wanted something easy to remember. The music was pretty strange, not to mention loud and guitar heavy. Most ponies didn't seem to know what they thought of it until the actual singing started... Let's just say in involved a lot of very angry, naughty language. Instinctively I turned the dial away, something that nopony else seemed to have a problem with.

The last station, 94.4, wasn’t anywhere as good as the DJ, but at least it wasn’t zebra chanting or random obscenity. It mostly consisted of weird technological sounding beats and minimal lyrics. I sort of liked it, but most of the ponies in the bar didn't seem to be into it. Apple Whiskey motioned to move on.

I started turning the radio back to DJ Pon3, but on the way I caught another station. This frequency was actually 123.4, far outside of the spritebots' range, and seemed to be from a short wave broadcast instead. The voice on it belonged to a refined stallion. “Greetings, New Appleloosa. My Name is Chess, founder and CEO of the Checkmate Company. We have been commissioned to make a delivery to the north of here. It will take about five days to reach our destination, and we are looking for a couple of extra ponies to come with us, such as couriers, caravan guards, or even just wanderers waiting to see which way the wind will take them. No experience is necessary. You must bring your own provisions, but feel free to scavenge a bit on the way, provided you do not stray too far from the group. There should be no more risk than is inherent in traveling the wasteland, and upon completion of the delivery, each member of the team will receive 200 caps. Keep in mind that we will NOT be returning to New Appleloosa afterward, so if you wish to come back, you must do so on your own. Should you perform well, you may be offered a permanent position in the Checkmate Company. Any interested parties can find us camped a short trot away from New Appleloosa’s north gate. Please come promptly, we will be leaving as soon as we have enough ponies. Message Repeats. Greetings, New Appleloosa…”

"Huh... That might be good for a change o' scenery, at least" the pegasus muttered.

"What's it like out there, anyway?" I asked. I hadn't left New Appleloosa in years. I'd practically forgot what the outside was like.

"Hell," he said flatly. "But it's a Hell with lotsa stuff in it, not t' mention a lot of wrongs that need rightin'."

I furrowed my brow. Something about what he said struck a chord with me. "Do you think going out there would be a good way to..." I searched for the right words, "fulfill yourself?"

"Lemmie put it this way," he said. "Ah used to live up in the clouds, with the Enclave, and the thing with them is that they couldn't care less about ponies besides themselves. That jus' didn't sit right with me. Stayin' safe up there while ponies were dyin', what kinda life is that? Not one ya could be proud of. It was selfish, not to mention dull. So, against everypony else's advice and mah own common sense, Ah came down here. Very first day down here Ah saw these raiders harassin' a caravan, and four gunshots later Ah'd saved some ponies' lives. It'd been dangerous, but Ah've seen amazing new things everywhere Ah go. How's that for fulfillment?"

I don't think he'd had any idea how many chords he'd just struck with me. That life wasn't dull, it wasn't routine, and it could potentially help others on top of that! Sure, I'd hardly ever been in a position to use a weapon, so I probably wouldn't be out saving lives like this pegasus, but clearly that Chess guy could use my help at least.

Still, if someone had been there to help the day my family had been attacked...

I pushed the thought away. I didn't have the skill for heroics. Everything else about the Wasteland though...

"Where did that radio guy tell us to meet up?" I asked.

"Out the North Gate and keep goin'" said the pegasus with a knowing smile. "I take it Ah'll be sein' you there?"

"Possibly," I replied. I was a bit more sure than that, but there were still three other ponies I needed input from. "What's your name by the way?" I know I'd heard it before, since he'd actually been to our house once or twice when Pulse asked to study his wings. I think it was 'Tragedy,' or 'Catastrophe,' or...

"Calamity," he said, offering a hoof. Meh, close enough.

"Click Click," I replied, taking it.

"Well, Ah'm gonna get ready to go. Think about if you wanna really do this though, it ain't gonna be safe or easy," he said.

"I will. If I decide to go, I'll see you there." I finished my soda as he left, then went home.

*** *** ***

When I walked in, the first thing I saw was my dad sitting at the kitchen table building something while Spark was playing with a couple of dolls nearby. My dad was the type of guy who never wanted to do things in the conventional way. Every day he went down to Absolutely Everything and searched for useless garbage just so he could challenge that 'uselessness.' I couldn't tell what his current project was yet, but it involved a steam gauge assembly, a pressure cooker, and some rail spikes. Judging from the look on Dad's face, it had some very 'fun' applications.

Dad was an earth pony; kind of on the large side (meaning he was basically a tank with paternal instincts) and had a black but graying mane. His pelt was a shade of orange that was somewhat fittingly comparable to a warning sign and his cutie mark was a trio of interlocked gears. Notably, the right side of his face was hideously disfigured, caused by of one of his inventions called the Uberclock Mk. I. It was meant to be the world's most effective alarm clock. To be fair, it did wake him up. Fortunately, the Uberclock Mk. II was much safer, and less explosive, due to not running on microfusion cells. I know it sounds bad for me to say this, but I still wasn't quite used to his face yet, even after several months. I mean, I learned to tolerate it, since he was my dad and all, but I still made a conscious effort to mostly look at him from the left side.

"Hey Click! How's it going?" he said, accidentally doing something that caused his creation to shoot a rail spike through the ceiling. I heard Pulse yelp from the upper floor. "Oops... You okay up there, Pulse?"

She ran downstairs holding a book with the spike through it. "Dangit, Dad! How many times have I told you, no firing experimental weapons in the house!"

"Sorry!"

"Uh, guys, I have something I wanna run by you when you're done talking, it's kind of important," I said. "Spark, you should hear this too.

"Sure Click, what do you need?" Dad said, eager to change the subject.

Pulse set the book down and sighed. "Fine, but seriously Dad, be careful. What is it?"

Spark galloped up and sat down between them, looking curiously at me.

"So what is it? Did you finally find a marefriend?" Dad asked. "Is she hot?"

"I bet she's really hot," Spark said, only half aware of what she was talking about.

I shook my head. "No, unfortunately. I was thinking about maybe it's time I looked for a life outside New Appleloosa, at least as an experiment. Specifically, taking a job escorting a caravan in the Wasteland for a little bit."

Pulse's eye twitched. "The Wasteland? Are you kidding? There's raiders and slavers and monsters and... raiders out there!"

Dad, on the other hoof, seemed relatively unfazed, aside from an initial look of surprise. "So, looking for a bit of adventure, I take it?"

"Yeah," I said. "There's these guys I heard on the radio looking for caravan guards. It wasn't anything major, they just wanted some extra eyes and ears."

"Well, that sounds like as good a first experience as any out there," Dad said.

"What? Dad, how could you be okay with this?" Pulse asked. "We're safe in here! If he goes out there, he could die!"

Spark gasped, but Dad put a hoof on her shoulder and calmed her down. "Pulse, Click isn't going to get shot the second he steps outside. I know, the Wasteland isn't the nicest place to be, but plenty of traders and scavengers live out there their whole lives. Plus, Click's smart, and that's the most important thing you can be out there."

"But what about... you know, Mom..."

"Pulse, the day I lost your mother was the lowest point of my life, but the highest point was when I met her and had the three of you. That never would have happened if I hadn't left home and met her while I was traveling."

"Oh, I get it, he's going out there to get a hot marefriend," Spark said.

Let's hope so... I thought. "Mostly I think I just need a change of scenery, but don't worry, Pulse, I'll stay safe. I'm just guarding a caravan, not looking for minefields to tap-dance in."

She sighed, still obviously worried, but it was clear she had no other arguments.

Well, the hard part of the conversation was over, I figured. "So I guess I should start getting ready, huh?"

"Wait, you're leaving now?" Pulse asked.

I nodded. "I know, I kinda found out last minute too."

Dad shrugged. "Well, we'll have to make this quick then. Fortunately, I got most of the stuff you'll need." He ran upstairs to his room, then came back down with a box. "If you're going out there I want you to have every advantage I did." He set the box at my feet and opened it. Sitting inside, right on top, was something I hadn’t seen for years: Dad’s PipBuck. He wore it all the time before coming to New Appleloosa, but when we settled down it became unnecessary. It had been handed down for generations since my great-great-great-et cetera-grandfather took it with him when he left Stable 73. Where other PipBucks would have the engraving “PipBuck 3000,” this one bore the name ‘Click Clack.’ Apparently its original owner, one of my ancestors and part of the inspiration for my name, knew a spell to alter text and put his name on it, and nopony since him had been able to change it back. It was a nice unique touch, but that little ‘a’ where my ‘i’ would be was going to bug me. I picked it up and slipped it on, then Dad dug out a little tool from the box and used it to tighten it the rest of the way.

“This thing is going to be your best friend out there, Click,” Dad told me as all sorts of weird blue displays popped up in my peripheral vision. Now that was going to take some getting used to, especially as it started feeding me a barrage of notifications about all the 'DLCs' I had installed, not that I knew what that meant. “Don’t let it be a crutch, but don’t underutilize it either." Dad continued, "I’ve heard dozens of stories over the years about ponies who are either alive because they had one of these, or dead because they didn’t.

“By the way, back in Stable 73 there was some techie that figured out how to hack these things, so all the PipBucks from 73 have a few extra features in them that the others won’t.” As he talked, I looked through the different menu screens and buttons on it. Apparently I had Neutral Karma, 260 Hit Points, and my glasses granted +2 to Perception. Again, no idea what that meant. Most of the important things were pretty self-explanatory though, like the inventory sorter and EFS.

Also in the box was a suit of sturdy looking leather barding. At first I doubted that it would fit me, seeing as it used to be my Dad's and he was freaking huge, but to my surprise it was actually just right when I put it on. Also inside was an old shotgun with 40 rounds of ammo (the PipBuck referred to it as a “Sturdy Caravan Shotgun.”) I turned to my family and let them see. "So, how do I look?"

"Not bad, Click, not bad," Dad said, looking impressed.

Spark hopped up in excitement. "Yeah! You'll have no problem getting that hot marefriend now! Plus you look like you could take on a hundred thousand raiders all at once!"

Pulse chuckled a bit. "Yeah, I bet he could. Still, are you sure you're ready for this, Click? Raiders won't play around. If you go out there, you have to accept that you will have to kill them, or be killed."

“I know," I said. I thought about all the stories I’d heard about raiders, and how much pain they caused for innocent ponies. Mostly, I thought about Mom… I kind of hoped I’d get to use the shotgun on more than just bloatsprites and radhogs. "I'm as prepared as I could at this point."

“Oh, one last thing…” Dad said as he trotted back upstairs. What would he have left to give that wasn’t already in that box? He came back down holding a piece of paper with the schematics of one of his inventions on it…

“Is this… Dad, what do you think I’m going to be doing out there that would require a plasma time bomb?” I asked, gawking at the old schematics for the Uberclock Mark I.

“Hey, you never know,” Dad shrugged. “But it’s better to have it and not need it than vice versa.”

“I suppose so,” I said, humoring him as I used the PipBuck to copy the design into a digital file. I made sure to label it 'NOT A REAL CLOCK,' just to be safe. "So, I suppose that's about it then. I should probably get going."

"Wait!" said Spark. "You forgot one more thing!"

"What?"

She ran up and jumped at me, wrapping her forelegs around my neck. "I love you!"

Okay, that was freaking cute. "I love you too, Spark."

"Hey, let me in there," Pulse said, hugging both of us.

Then I heard Dad's voice. "Room for one more?" There was just enough time before he joined us for us all to brace ourselves against the very real risk of broken bones. As I felt my ribs bruising under the weight of their affection, I began to feel homesick even before leaving.

Once Dad loosened his grip enough to let us inhale, I managed to utter "I'm gonna miss you guys. As soon as I can, I'll try to write back."

"You better. I don't wanna have to come out there myself to make sure you're safe," Pulse said, finally lightening up a little bit. "Because I will, and then you really won't be safe." She smiled playfully.

"Now don't worry. He'll be fine, he's got my genes," Dad said.

"But you didn't give him any pants," Spark said. Really, she used that joke? "By the way, Click, can you please bring me back a souvenir? Do it and I'll prank you really hard when you come home!"

"Don't you mean 'or?'" I asked.

"No."

I chuckled. "We'll see if I come across something you'd like. No promises."

"Alright... I'm still pranking you though! It'll be a really big thing to celebrate you coming back!"

"I'll look forward to it, then. I should really get going though..." Finally, I decided to just rip off the band-aid and get going. I had planned on buying some food on the way out, but Dad and Pulse would have nothing of that. They filled my saddlebags as full as they could with provisions. The only thing I was lacking in was Sparkle Cola: only fifteen bottles for a five day trip. I'd have to stretch that quite a bit.

At last we couldn't prolong it anymore, and with one final round of goodbyes and I love yous, they sent me off. As I closed the door behind me, I knew that even if the Wasteland didn't work out, I’d always be able to find a home back here.

*** *** ***

As I continued a couple miles out past the town's gate, I saw a large boulder with a group of ponies nearby, including Calamity, as well as a cart with an enormous box on it pulled by a pair of brahmin. I approached the group and one of them, a white unicorn buck in recon barding with a well kempt forest green mane, came up to meet me.

“Hello! You here ‘cuz of the ad?” he asked me. Based on his voice, he wasn’t the same pony from the radio.

“Yup. I’m Click Click, but you can just call me Click,” I replied.

“Nice to meet you. My name is Bishop. Come on, Chess will want to talk to you.”

He led me to another pony standing near the cart. This pony (who I assumed was Chess) was an earth pony with a mane and coat of ebony and ivory, respectively. He was dressed in what appeared to be a Kevlar vest and a red tie (Kevlar and a tie? I wouldn't have thought that would work, but he wore it well). His cutie mark was a white king chess piece. Notably, I realized, he wore a PipBuck.

“Chess,” Bishop addressed him, “We got another guard. His name’s Click Click.”

“Excellent,” Chess said, approaching us. “So, Click Click, do you have any experience in the Wasteland?”

“No, but I’m a quick study,” I responded.

“That will be fine. We don’t exactly need veterans for this job. Just ponies who have four legs and can shoot.”

“That would be me.”

“Confident. I like that; welcome aboard,” he said approvingly before turning to Bishop, “How many ponies is that now?”

“With Calamity, Stellar, Tricky, and now Click Click, we have four, not including me, you, Chisel, and Knight.”

“Alright, that should be enough then. Tell the others it’s time to go.”

As Bishop went trotted off to the others, I turned to Chess and asked, “So Chess, where is it we’re going exactly?”

“It's a place called the Dolewich Building up in Whinnyapolis. A few... interesting ponies there commissioned us to deliver a statue for them. Now come on then, I want to get a few miles worth of travel in before nightfall.”

I followed him as he turned and led the group toward Whinnyapolis, leaving New Appleloosa behind. Little did I know that it wasn’t just my home that I was leaving, but every last shred of normalcy in my life, as what should have been a relatively small and simple journey transformed into an unforgettable trek into the Wild Wasteland.

(6_9)...

Footnote: Level One

Click Click's stats

SPECIAL

Strength-3

Perception-3

Endurance-8

Charisma-4

Intelligence-8

Agility-7

Luck-6

Tag Skills

Firearms

Melee

Repair

Traits

Four Eyes: Permanent -1 to base Perception, but all glasses grant a bonus of +2.

Built to Destroy: You're hard on your enemies, but just as bad to your weapons. You have a +3% chance to score critical hits, but your weapons wear down 15% faster.

Spells

Communication based spells such as ventriloquism, voice augmentation, and sound recording, among others.

Next time on Fallout Equestria: Wild Wasteland, Click and the Checkmate Company are forced to take shelter from a sudden rain storm, but fortunately are able to hide in the abandoned Stable 97, which Chess has been using as a safehouse for quite a few years. It should be completely safe... but if it were, that would make for a rather boring story, wouldn't it?

Author's Note

Well there’s the prologue, hope you like it so far, cuz it only gets better from here; most of the Wild Wasteland type stuff just couldn't happen yet due to plot reasons. Anyway, I should take this opportunity to point out a few things about this fic that I think you might want to know. The main thing is that all of the other FO:E stories aside from the original are only semi-canon to this one. I may give a shoutout involving the goings on down in Hoofington or to everypony's favorite slave, but I have plans for this fic that just wouldn't fit in with them, unless there were, for example, multiple sets of Flim Flam Brothers running around in the pre-war era... Heaven forbid. Also, keep in mind that even if this is going to be funnier than most FO:E stories, this still IS an FO:E story, so Click's adventure won't be all fun and games. The shit will hit the fan at some point; probably several points, in fact.

Now you may wonder why Click Click doesn't have the Wild Wasteland trait... Well, I always thought it was stupid that it was a trait, I figured it should have been a gameplay setting, like Hardcore mode. He will get it later though.

In other news, those of you with tumblr accounts ought to hit up this series' official tumblr, which will give readers the chance to have a more in-depth look at the Wild Wasteland's cast and their place in the Wasteland. Also, those with Deviantart accounts can watch the series here where I will be posting character sheets and other little bits of just-for-fun art.

For those of you who wanna broaden your horizons a bit, you might notice that some of the shoutouts and references in this fic refer to things outside the range of My Little Pony and Fallout. Down here in the Author's Note section, I may point you toward some other interesting things that I've come across that the fic references, or even things that aren't in the fic that I just happened to be thinking about at the time. For starters, the title was a Linkin Park song, the musical excerpts in this chapter were from Go the Distance by Michael Bolton, Koyaaniqatsi by Philip Glass (taken from the soundtrack of the Godfrey Reggio film also called Koyaanisqatsi), Down with the Sickness by Disturbed, and a ponified version of Barbara Streisand by Duck Sauce.

Finally, I must make time for the mushy stuff: I’d like to say thanks to everyone who’s giving this fic a shot, and second I want to thank my editor Tutis, prereaders Blueberry-Twist and Trivial, and my sister, Ninjazane, because Pulse is loosely based on Pulse Generator, an OC of hers. Also, I obviously have to give a big thanks to Kkat, Lauren Faust, the team behind the Fallout series, and all the other people who laid the groundwork for the Fallout Equestria fandom. Lastly, I'd like to make a dedication to those affected by Hurricane Sandy. While they all got through it safely, my whole team except me lives on the east coast, and they were lucky compared to many other people, especially those who lost their lives.