My Not So First Jump

by EverlastingKnightmare

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy, Romance, Adventure
Length: 8629

Where your first jump dosin't matter anymore

This is the sequel to My First Jump, read it or don't, just don't be surprised if something confuses you.

Dark, the guardian of darkness, returns to Equestria brand-spanking-new and ready for adventure! Twilight doesn't die this time, so don't worry!

Will add sad tag when needed.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-16 07:00:17 UTC

Back a few steps

Welp,

    Its the end of the world, go figure.

    I gazed up into the blood red eyes of the bear-ant-rilla filled with toxic poison and anti creation magic. “Dammit all, can’t you just take a five minute break?” I yelled up at the beast glaring down at me. It roared and kicked me into a mountain. “Thats a no.” I mumbled painfully and pulled myself out. I looked at my scorched arm, which was also broken. “I've taken one hell of a beating huh?” I spoke to myself and put my sword down. I placed my good hand over the wrecked one and began trying to heal my arm.

    Too bad I don’t have that kind of time.

    A huge foot broke into the small chamber I was hiding in and knocked my out the other side of the mountain. “DAMMIT!” I formed a dark ball of fire in my damaged hand and threw it at the beast, which made it flinch back in pain and anger. This brought me enough time to resummon my blade and get into a defensive stance. “Have to think fast! I can’t last much longer!” I growled to myself as the beast began to look for me again. “Maybe I can trap him here, he won't leave until everything living here is dead! SO I JUST HAVE TO LEAVE!” I quickly dropped to my knees and began to power up the portal spell. “Don’t see me don’t see me don’t see me.” After a moment it was complete, I opened my eyes to endless space. “Can’t......Drive.....Dammit!” And like that, I passed out.

    Now I can explain.

    See, that bear-ant-rilla is a god slaying being called the Destroyer, and it is way too fucking overpowered for even me to fight alone, but I can stay alive for a bit. Anyway this dude came to my world and wrecked the place, everyone dead, even my friends.

    Thing is, we fought and killed this thing before, this time it caught us by surprise. So we fell one by one, along with the rest of the world and our gods.

    So, thats the jist of it, now we see where we land.

    ----Hours later----

    “Argh, my head.” I mumbled and pushed myself up. “Anyone get the number of that starship that hit me?” When no one answered I sighed and looked around. I was surrounded by apple trees. “....This place is very familiar.” I got up to my feet and almost fell over, the pain in my arm and legs was over what any mortal being should feel. “GAH! DAMMIT ALL!” I cursed and quickly went to heal myself. My hand glowed a light green color as I moved it over my legs, the pain quickly left them and I moved on to my arm. The black scorch mark didn’t leave but at least my arm wasn't broken anymore. I looked up at the apple tree above me and licked my lips. “Being in a fire filled world sure makes a guy thirsty, and hungry, and takes to these awesome apples that covers both those!” I lept up and grabbed an apple, then I greedily bit into it and tore that juicy beauty apart.

    “HEY!” I almost did a spit take when that voice sounded, it scared the shit out of me. “THOSE ARE MAH FAMILY'S APPLES!” Wait....

    Cowboy accent,

    Family apples,

    Pony........

    “APPLEJACK!” I spun around to the now surprised mare and leapt at her, which I shouldn’t have done cause that got me a super buck to the face. I quickly flew back and into one of the apple trees. “....Ow......” I muttered and held my face. “Why would you do that!?” I rubbed my face and made sure everything was there.

    “Well, when a stranger tries to grab ya, ya want to defend yourself.” Stranger? I removed my hands and gazed at AJ with a curious look.

    “Wait.....You don’t know me?” She shook her head and huffed.

    “No, ah don’t. Now why are ya on mah property and why shouldn’t I buck you into next week?” She sounded pissed. I must be smart and say the right thing.

    “.....Magic?” If I could slap myself, I would. I ducked as another earth shattering kick was thrown my way. “WAIT! WAIT! I meant no harm! I just remembered where I ended up! I’m sorry!” She stopped herself right before delivering a killing blow to my temple.

    “Then where are ya?” She questioned, turning to face me.

    “Sweet Apple Acres!”

    “How do you know me?”

    “I met you a long time ago while I was bumming around with Twilight!”

    “One more question.” She gave me a confused look. “Whose Twilight?”

    …..........Wut.

    I gave her the stupidest look I could muster. How could she not know Twilight? “Um.....Nevermind. Are you not shocked by my appearance?”

    “We’ve had stranger things happen ‘round these parts.” She put her hoof on the back of her head. “Ever hear of a cockatric?”

    “Say no more, I understand.” I got up from the ground and cracked my back. “Anyway, sorry for eating your apple, I was just surrounded by fire and you get really thirsty when you're dehydrated.”

    “Its alright, hows about you make up for it? Come with me to the barn and help set some things up for Summer Sun Celebration? Mah family is in charge of the food for the festivities and we could use a hoof-”

    “Hand.” I pointed at my hand and wiggled my fingers.

    “-Er....Hand, is getting some things set up and baked, you can bake right?” With that, I grinned a dark grin.

    “Oh, I love to bake! Heck I’ll do all the baking!” We laughed and began making our way down the hill and to the house, it looked just the same as before, and I bet Granny Apple is still alive to! She had the best stories.

Lightning hurts

The barn was the same, thats for damn sure, but what was new to me was the fact of all the apple related ponies I saw running around, I think I even saw Braeburn running around somewhere, I was led into the house and in the kitchen, same western style I knew and loved. “Right, lets get baking!” I cracked my knuckles, which made AJ shiver.

“Please don’t do that.” She said as she shook her head.

“Noted, lets do this!”

---Hours later!---

The place looked like a war zone of food products. Flour was everywhere, a outline of me was on the wall, also made of flour, and AJ has a pie tin on her head while laying on the ground. I was hung on the ceiling by my waist, by my own belt! “Well....” I spoke finally. “At least we got a ton of apple baked goods.”

“Ah’ll agree with you there partner.” AJ spoke from under her pie tin and pushed it up slightly. “That sure was an interesting way to bake, ah’ll tell ya.”

“Trust me when I say I had no idea the pies would come to life. Though that was a battle worthy of the ages!” I tried to get myself off the ceiling but fail and remained there. “Little help?”

“For a tall fella, yer helpless.” AJ facehoofed. “Hold on.” Out of nowhere she pulled out a lasso, with it she caught me by the hand and pulled me down, leaving a small hole in her ceiling.

“Sorry about that.” I said while rubbing the back of my head. “I’ll fix it later.”

“Ya better.” She grumbled and looked to the pile of apple products we made. “Hower we going to get this stuff outside?”

“Heck, I’ll carry it.” I walked over to the pile and grabbed the table, lifting it up and walking towards the door. “Is the door wide enough?”

“Go about it sideways and you’ll fit!” AJ called from behind me. I turned sideways and crab walked out of the house and towards the barn. “We have to bring this stuff to town hall fella!”

“Excuse me for going towards the largest object!” I called and turned around.

“Umm...” I heard a voice on the other side of the food.

“Out of the way, food must be delivered!” I said and walked past whoever was there, I didn’t pay attention much cause this table is gettin kinda heavy.

“Well I’m in charge of everything getting set up correctly so.” I stopped dead when I finally recognized the voice. I turned to the familiar purple mare and smaller purple dragon. “Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle, are you Applejack?” I shook my head and pointed at AJ, who was running towards me. “Oh, well who are you?” TIME TO TROLL!

“My name is Spike.” I said as serious as I could. She gave me a look of disbelief, as did the surprised little dragon on her back.

“But.....My name is Spike!” Other Spike called from Twi’s back.

“There can’t be two Spikes at once! The world could end!” The looks of horror on their face was priceless. “I’m joking! My name is Kurosawa, or Dark if you don’t want to remember the name, I’m around helping Applejack over there cook and deliver the food. We got the cooking part done with minor casualties, now I just have to drop off this food and we-” I was cut off by Twilight waving her hoof.

“Wait, ‘minor casualties’? What does that mean?” I finally set down the table and looked at her.

“Pies came to life, we fought for our lives.” AJ FINALLY caught up. “Right AJ?”

“What now?”

“Just agree with me.” I facepalmed. “Anyway, I better get this here food delivered, I’ll be back shortly, you kids play nice ya here?” And with that, I picked up the table and continued on with my great journey. I swear I heard someone scream and run away. “Jeez, the first time they reacted better.” I mumbled as I finally got to the town square. I set the table down and went to open the door when something clung to my face and bashed on my head. “MERRRRRRR!” I screamed and began to run around in sudden surprise from my attacker. After about ten minutes of running around like a scared buffalo I regained my senses and took the attacker off my face. Out of the ponies (And one rabbit I know.) that would latch to my face to attack effectively, it had to be Scoots.

“Put me down you big olf!” She growled at me and squirmed in my grasp. I chuckled a bit and set her down, where she proceeded to punch at my legs with her front hooves.

“Your punching a rock there kid, I have become immune to physical abuse.” I deadpanned, which made her stop. “I’ve been hit most my life by stronger stuff.”

“Don’t have to rub it in.” She mumbled while looking down which made me feel like crap.

“You gave it your best shot.” I reassured. “So, why were you trying to obliterate me with your hooves?”

“Cause monsters shouldn’t be in town!” She growled at me and flapped her wings rapidly, making them buzz.

“May want to check, because if I was a monster I would have eaten you by now.” She gulped. “But, I’m not so I won’t.” I chuckled and ruffled her mane. “Now I have to scoot on back to the farm and see what goes on.” I turned around and bolted down the road faster than I should have. I think I knocked someone over.

When I got back to the farm I saw most of the apple family (The WHOLE apple family!) surrounding Twilight. She had escaped when I finally got there. “Hey Miss Sparkle, how goes it?”

“Crazy! They wanted me to eat a lot of apple products!” I laughed at her fear in the word.

“Oh please, I have a lead stomach, I would have been able to take it.” I bragged and  laughed. “Ah, so anyway where are you headed to next? I’ll join ya.”

“Well, we got the food checked out, now we need party decorations, designs, and music.” She rubbed her chin with her hoof as she spoke. Spike was on her back eating a apple fritter.

“Right-o, lead the way.” I did a little bow and allowed her to walk past me. I followed as soon as I was feeling left behind. “So what's this summer sun thing all about?”

“Its the longest day of the year, and Celestia herself comes to one town each year to do it, and this year she chose ponyville. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to think about something.” She said and lost herself in her thoughts, we walked like this for a while when Spike struck up a conversation with her, something about the Apple family, Twilight countered with something about them being crazy.

“They aren't that bad! They offered you free food and everything!”

“I agree.” I said after Spike spoke. “Most of that food I must have cooked myself, which came to life and had to be beaten senseless.” I sighed happily. “Good times...”

“How did you even make them come to life?” Twilight asked me out of curiosity.

“I didn’t, its the way I cook that gives life to the food. Must be my bad luck.” I shrugged. “I could never figure it out.” I was then suddenly tackled by everyones favorite pony.

“Hiya Dark!”

“I knew at least one pony would remember me!” I chuckled and ruffled Pinkie’s mane.

“I can’t remember much else though, like...” She turned and looked at Twilight, gasped, then shot off like a bullet.

“And like that shes gone.” I got up and dusted myself off. “That was the one behind the part decorations. Trust me when I say shes got it covered.” Twilight just gave me a strange look. “Moving on?” She just nodded and continued on, I looked at the surprise party invitation in my pocket while we continued to search for ponies, I’m guessing the next one is Rarity, cause I’m just that awesome. We came up on the boutique and entered.

“Hello?” Twilight called before spotting the seamstress looking at ribbons. “Are you Rarity?”

“Why yes I am dear.” She set down the ribbons and looked at use, going wide eyed as soon as she spotted me. “What is the dastardly thing!?”

“I’m not a thing...” I crouched down and poked the ground in shame. Spike patted my back while staring at his marshmallow beauty.

“Terribly sorry dear! You just frightened me is all.” She grinned sheepishly at me and looked at Twilight. “How may I help you dear?”

“Well, I’m Twilight Sparkle of Canterlot and I-” She had sealed her fate by saying she was from Canterlot.

“CANTERLOT!? So you must know some great ponies!”

“Yes well-”

“Come along! We can’t have you walking around like that!” She then pulled Twilight into the back room.

“I give her five minutes before she comes running out of there.” I said standing up fully. Spike was still love struck and floating towards the back room door. “Hold there loverboy!” I grabbed him by the tail and brought him back. “You are going down a road to self destruction! You can’t be too clingy! I shall aid you in your quest young one! But not now, our ride is here.” Just then Twilight backed out of the room and grabbed us in her magic.

“Well thank you for letting me try some things on, but we gotta go!” She then bolted out of the store and down the hill. “I think we lost her.”

“What next Mr. Jones?” I mumbled. “Right, music now correct?” She nodded. “Well lets go.” I began walking in place, as I was still being levitated by Twilight. “You know, I can’t help but feel we missed someone...” I was then ran over by skittles, which hurts more then you would think. “GAH!”

“Sorry, kinda in a hurry here.” I heard a awesome voice call. I looked up and saw Rainbow Dash hovering there.

“S’all right.” I got up and dusted myself off.

“Wait a second,” Twilight walked over to Dash. “Are you Rainbow Dash?” Dash nodded. “You're the one suppose to clear the sky!” We all looked up to see it slightly clouded. “That was suppose to be done ages ago!”

“I’d do it but that would be cheating.” I crossed my arms and looked away. “Heck I bet I could have done it faster than she could.” Troll powers activate.

“That a challenge?” Dash was now right in my face.

“No, but if you want to prove something, you might as well do it before I decide to finish this in a half a second. 123GO!” And like that she was off, here and there kicking cloud ass and take names. A half a nanosecond later (I’m being stupid, it took about 9 seconds.) she landed in front of us with a smug grin on her face. Spike and I clapped while Twilight just rolled her eyes. “Still could have done it faster...” I mumbled. “Anyway! Congratulations, you won the prize.”

“What would that be?” Dash asked with a raised eyebrow.

“A cookie.” I then gave her a cookie, don’t ask where I got it, cause I don’t quite know myself. She happily took the cookie and munched on it while trotting away. “Why are you ponies so damn adorable?” I mumbled and looked at Twilight. “Shall we continue our grand adventure?”

“If you're done picking on the weak minded, then yes.” She began walking leaving both Spike and I with jaws dropped.

“Ouch...” I mumbled.

“No kidding...” Spike said as he went after her, I followed close behind. Soon we were getting close to some of the most beautiful music by birds I have ever heard, must be Flutters. I spotted the yellow pegasus conducting birds with a fancy looking stick. As we approached the birds got scared and flew away, being quick minded I took the form of a tree, a small one. Spike must have trusted me, cause he jumped up into the leaves. From our small lookout a little behind Twilight we watched her scare Fluttershy, the poor thing.

“Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle, and these are-” She stopped when she turned and saw nothing but a tree. “Umm....Where’d they go? Oh well they couldn’t have gone far, anyway what is your name?” She turned back to Shy with a smile.

“Fluttershy...” She whispered quietly. I leaned in slightly to try and hear better, getting a confused look out of the shy pegasus.

“Excuse me?”

“U-um....Fluttershy...” She said again, I heard her this time and leaned back into place, earning another confused glance.

“Speak up now.” Twilight gazed at me to see what she was looking at but saw nothing but an oddly placed tree.

“F-Fluttershy...” She finally spoke in a tone that could be understood.

“Well, miss Shy, I’m here to see how your doing with the music for the festival, but it seems I scared away your singers, so I’ll come by later and-” Bored now, toss Spike. I threw Spike out of my leaves and watched him land on Twilight’s back. “Spike! There you are! Where have you been?” I suddenly switched out my tree form with a crappy tree costume.

“With him.” Spike pointed at me, Twilight now fully aware I was there.

“And where did YOU go?”

“I’ve been here the whole time, right miss Shy?” Honestly the confusion outweighed her fear at this point and she nodded. “See? The whole time, maybe we should get you some glasses.”

“That was an amazing costume, I thought you were a tree when you put it on.” I took the compliment and left it at that, Fluttershy’s mind finally caught up with her and she hug tackled the small dragon.

“Spike! Speak to me man!” I quickly went over to the yellow pegasus and the crushed dragon.

“Help......Me!” He spoke in a choked sound as Shy continued hugging the baby dragon.

“Twilight! I predict in about 5.14 seconds Spike will become a dead dragon! We must save him!” I turned to Twilight. She nodded at me and grabbed Spike away from Shy with her magic.

“Sorry, but we have to umm.....Get home so he can take a nap!” She pointed a hoof at me. “Exotic creatures need a lot of sleep ya know! And he is so tiwoed, right?” She glared at me so intensely I think a sun somewhere exploded.

“Um, yeah! I’m so very tired...” I yawned for a long time then fell over. I was then picked up by Twilight and continued speaking.

“So yeah, I better get him to bed then!” As Twilight went into the door, Shy nodded her head in agreement.

“And make sure to feed him, do you know what he eats?” Twilight nodded hastily and began to close the door. “Ok, make sure to take good care of him then.” And with that Twilight got the door closed.

“This day keeps getting fun.” I chuckled and she let me down.

“You were in a fake tree costume and I thought it was a real tree, how did you do that?” Twilight said as she went to find a light.

“Simple tricks of the mind my dear, I share nothing more. Spike here fell for it to aye?” I saw the little guy nod in the darkness. “See? Now where is that damned-” The lights suddenly went on and blinded me for a few seconds. In those few seconds screaming could be heard.

“SURPRISE!” I knew it, it was Pinkie, and she did all of this, which I can not see at the moment, in a matter of an hour. The invitation I had didn’t give a time, I guess others just know when Pinkie’s parties will happen and show up beforehand, or hoof.

“MY EYES!” I was still blinded, but soon they cleared up and I saw some of the shocked faces of those who had not met me yet. “.....I’m friendly?” They all let out a ‘Ohhh!’ and nodded in understanding, I would have hated explaining that bullshit to them, jeez.

---Some time later! And after Twilight’s mishap with the sauce.---

Well Twilight retreated, and I was now the life of the party. Pinkie and I were drinking all the punch and doing a conga line of the ceiling, which other ponies ignored because they have learned not to question Pinkie, nor do they question my random antics, I wonder why? After our fun conga line, I looked around for Spike, who was currently doing a dance with a lampshade on. “Hey little buddy!” He turned to me and lifted up his awesome hat. “Go check on the purple one for me eh?” He nodded and dance/walked away towards Twilight’s room.

I was now wearing Pinkie like a hat as I explored the party a little more. It was lively to say the least, at least the ponies didn’t flee on sight of me, maybe the ones at Canterlot would.

“Whoa!” I suddenly heard a slightly high pitched. I yelped in pain as my face met the floor. “OHMYGOSH! Are you ok?” I have to point out now, who ever this was, sounded adorable.

“Yup.” I pushed myself up and met face to face with with a blond maned mare with a gray coat, but I couldn’t look her in the eyes, mainly because they were both looking a different direction. “I didn’t hurt you at all did I?” She shook her head happily.

“Nope! You just spooked me is all!” She chuckled, which got infectious.

“Well, I’m Dark, who are you?” I asked as I pushed myself up again so I was standing.

“I’m Ditzy Doo! But some ponies call me Derpy!” I felt like that was a horrible name, I could already guess why she was called that. “It don’t bug me none, only when others use that name in a offencive way!”

“And how often is that?” I asked out of curiosity.

“Sometimes a lot.” She answered. I facepalmed and patted her on the head.

“Well it was nice to meet you Ditzy, I’m sure we'll meet again the the future.” And with that I waved goodbye and continued my quest of nothing, it was then I realized when I tripped Pinkie got thrown into the punch bowl. I hurried over to see if she was alright, turns out she was fine, so I let her remain in the bowl to drink up.

“Its almost time for the festival everypony!” Someone called out, Twilight and Spike exited the room and everyone at the party began to file out of the library and began migrating towards the town hall, which now had guards around it. As we entered I got separated from Twilight, being as tall as I am compared to these ponies you would think I would lose sight of the only purple pony I knew.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” I looked up at Mayor Mare, who had a beaming smile on. “Welcome to the Summer Sun celebration!” Everypony there cheered, my own cheers defined by the loudness of the cheering. “This is the first ever time this has happened in Ponyville, so lets give a round of applause to our glorious princess Celestia!” Cheering and hoof pounding, then nothing, I waited for something to happen, but nothing did. Soon everyone began whispering, then Rarity came out of the back.

“Shes gone!” Everyone gasped, I just went wide-eyed. Someone kidnapped Celestia? Do I have to get my whoopin stick? Soon a dark laughter echoed in the main hall, accompanied by a dark vortex of stars descending upon the balcony.

“Is this suppose to be happening?” I said, mostly to myself, but the only reply I got was a lightning strike to the face. “OOOOOWWWW!” I held my face as it burned. “DAMMIT ALL!”

“Silence traitor!” That voice compelled me to let go of my face and look up at the balcony, which was occupied by a tall, dark, evil looking mare with a starry mane and tail. “You have no right to speak!”

“The hell did I do?” I was zapped again, except this time much harder, which sent me through a wall. “Just my bloody luck...” I spoke and sat up in the road.

“Quite a problem ey?” I turned and saw a brown stallion.

“And you are?”

“I’m ‘shocked’ and hurt you don’t remember my name Kurosawa!” Wait a second, only one person calls me by my actual name...

“Doc? That you? You look plain, did you fuck something up or did the world make you look like this?”

“The later.”

“Ah.” Welp, I found Doctor Who, who is considerably harder to find then Waldo, but hey I found him! “So, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be saving the world or something?”

“I felt like taking a break, anywho, what are YOU doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home saving YOUR world?” I shook my head.

“Too late now, already destroyed.” He gave me a confused look. “Alright, so this huge bear-ant-rilla thing I call ‘The Destroyer’ showed up and took us by surprise, he shot anit-creation to, thats how he was able to kill the othe-”

“Wait wait wait, he killed the others?” I nodded. “Why didn’t you destroy it?”

“I was too weak, my body couldn’t take anymore so I had to bale.” I took a shaky sigh, I had to hold back my emotions, which he seemed to notice.

“I see, will you ever go back?” I shook my head.

“Like I said, everything is destroyed, theres nothing to go back to.” I sighed again and pointed at the town hall. “Wanna explain to me what the hell is going on in there?”

“That would be Nightmare Moon announcing she is free and kidnapped Celestia.” Bitch.

“Wait whos Nightmare Moon?” He chuckled at me and shook his head.

“You’ve been here before yet never learned of Nightmare Moon?” I shook my head.

“Never bothered to learn, what’s the basics?”

“Nightmare Moon is the being manifested off of Luna’s jealousy, she got jealous because nopony was awake during the night, and they were during the day.”

“I see, so guessing off of what I already know, she refused to lower the moon and got zapped with the elements?”

“Correct! Celestia banished Nightmare Moon to the moon with the elements, and there she stayed until today! Now she is free and has locked away her sister somewhere, where I don’t know myself.” I got up. “I know that look, she left a few minutes ago to the castle in the Everfree.” I nodded and took off.

The Everfree is not a fun place I’ll tell ya, filled with nasty monster like Manticores, cockatric’s, and timber wolves. I sensed something much darker deeper in the forest, but that is for another day. I arrived at a gap between me and the castle itself, it looked like there was a bridge here, but was torn down on my side. “Looks like I’m jumping it.” I took a deep breath...

...and totally over shot my jump, sending my head though a stone wall, which was one of the old towers of the castle. “YEOW! Dammit all!” I quickly began the process of removing my head from the wall. As I was doing so I heard something start to approach the room my head was currently stuck in. “Crapcrapcrapcrap!” I hissed as I tried harder to get my head free, with a quick fist to stone, I fell down and into the main chamber of the castle. “OW!”

“I HEARD YOU!” The familiar voice of Nightmare Moon called down from the tower I just freed myself from.

“YOUR NOT REPENSLE!” I yelled back up. “GET DOWN HERE SO I CAN MAKE FUN OF YOU MORE!” A lightning bolt to the face was proof to me she did NOT like me, nor did she want me to joke around. After I recovered I was staring into the awesome looking green eyes of my assailant. “You must be Nightmare Moon.”

“Do not act like you do not know me welp!” She sounded PISSED! I backed up a bit to get away from her burning rage.

“Easy! I just want to know where Celestia is.” She just kicked me in the face, ya know, its like i’m offending her or something.

“Be silent guardian! You act as though you do not remember anything!” Ok, something happened in the past, but I’ll ignore this little detail for now and try and keep myself from dying.

Embrace Darkness, kinda

    Alright, lets have a little recap,

    I am standing in front of a pissed off moon goddess of jealousy who knows me somehow,

    That all? Ok back to everything.

    “Guess who?” I said with a straight face.

    “Who?”

    “NOT ME!” I then jumped out of the closest window to me, may not have been the best plan but it kept me from getting zapped again. From there I clung to the wall as a explosion of dark energy come from the window, I think shes angry, should I ask? As I was contemplating this she flew out the window and looked around for me, not actually turning to the wall I was clinging to.

    “Where are you?!”

    “Not behind you thats for sure.” She then turned to me, which made me facepalm. “I said I WASN'T behind you!” I then thought I saw the formation of a smile? Weird, but she killed it just as fast as it appeared, and threw more lightning at me. I dove to the side and ran up the wall to avoid the now constant onslaught of anger lightning. “WHAT IS WITH YOU AND LIGHTNING!?”

    “You don’t like it! So its effective!” I did not expect an answer. My hesitation got me zapped again, my hp is dropping fast, I need a health potion.

    Wait, fuck, this isn’t a game!

    Time to get serious.

    I stopped suddenly and dropped off of the wall, falling towards the enraged moon goddess, who suddenly got a fearful look. She turned into a cloud of stars and shot past me, I turned to look upwards as she rematerialized. She sent a wave of dark energy down towards me. I planted my feet firmly on the wall and kicked off, having the energy destroy some of the ground instead of me. I stopped in mid air and shot up towards her, my hand extended to grab her. She turned into smoke again and went past me. “Getting real sick of your shit.” I spoke calmly and put my fist into the same wall I was running up beforehand. Watching where she was going, I pushed off the wall again and just as she materialized I tackled her, now dragging her with me down to the ground.

    “RELEASE ME!”

    “No,” I grabbed the back of her head and pushed her outwards as we got closer to the ground, she was smart though and turned into a cloud again, sending my hand into the ground and creating a rather large crater. I gazed up as the cloud ventured into a tower, also noting the flash in the main hall.

    “Twilight!” I heard a familiar voice, I think it was Rarity, maybe Applejack. But I wasn't paying much attention, I was in fight mode. I flew up to the top of the tower and dropkicked my way in through the ceiling, stopping both Nightmare Moon and Twilight in their tracks.

    “Dark? What are you doing here.” I ignored Twilight as I stared into the soul of the Moon goddess before me. While I was looking I thought I saw a cage of some kind, holding a shivering little filly inside.

    ‘Dah fwaq?’ I thought to myself and shook my head, I would deal with it later, right now I had to kick some flank. I reached forward quickly and grabbed her by the throat. ‘Maybe I can fix this now.’ I had to get out of fight mode, so I began trying to drain power from the alicorn, but received a quick hoof to the face. “GAHH!” I fell backwards and held my face. “Twilight! She hit me!” I turned to the purple unicorn, who still had some confusion on her face.

    “Umm, working on it.” She said and gasped. I spun around and saw Nightmare Moon smash some crystal rock things.

    “Well, damn.” I moped and got up. “Well I’m out of ideas.” I then began charging Nightmare Moon, with nothing better to do of course. The obvious happened, she zapped me again. “HOW FUCKING SHOCKING!” I yelled in pain. When I heard a giggle I shot my face up and saw the evil empress of evil was smiling and laughing at me.

    She knows my humor, TIME FOR A DISTRACTION!

    “Its like the everyone hates me or something! Thats like the 5th time this season I got electrocuted!” More laughter, excellent. “I need some damn cake...” Cake the the face, which surprised me a bit. I moved some of the moon fashioned cake out of my eyes and saw that it was Nightmare herself who threw it at me.

    So she did know me...

    I grinned. “Ok wise one, what's 2 divided by 0?”

    “You wanna kill us all?” She glared playfully at me, I think I’m getting somewhere.

    “Not as bad as being shocked 20 million times in one episode.” I countered.

    “Well, that may be true, you’ve stumped me, AGAIN!” She growled in frustration and shook her head, thinking I assume.

    “I have always been the best, you can not deny that.” I pointed out and wiped the rest of the cake off my face. “Well, I’m out of ideas again.” I sighed and pulled out my 3DS.

    “Oh! Let me play!”

    “Hell no I just got this.”

    “Lier!” By this time Twilight had gotten rather pissed.

    “I think we better get on with the story before Twi here blows a braincell.” I put the 3DS away and backed up, gesturing for Twilight to take the lead. While the main story went on for a moment the caged filly kept bugging me, like something wasn't suppose to be there.

    I think some interference happened.

    As Twilight finished with the Harmony thing and getting all their fancy necklaces and crown, I stepped forward. “Him me.”

    “What!?” Twilight looked at me as if I was mad, please!

    “Trust me, just do it!” I gave her the look I give everyone when I am completely serious.

    If I was going to do this, I needed a boost.

    Twilight, being one of those trusting ponies, nodded to her new friends and began charging the friendship cannon. Nightmare Moon, being scared already, got shocked at how I was making them shoot me. “Are you a idiot!?”

    “Maybe just a little, but I have a guess to go on.” I winked at her and was suddenly engulfed in color, which surprised me, I wasn't paying attention. I felt rather refreshed, but I couldn’t lounge right now, I went about absorbing as much power as I could, and when the ray of awesome rainbows stopped I was glowing, and had Dash’s mane colors. “Rather Stylish.” I said, my voice humming with power, this hadn't happened in a while.

    “See Rarity? I told you!” Dash laughed as she spoke to Rarity, whose eyes were glowing with envy at my glowing looks.

    You could say I was beaming.

    “Anyway, back to business.” I turned to Nightmare Moon, who began to shiver under my gaze. I extended my hand towards her and pointed at her. “By the name of the gods, Whom I served with much obedience and law breaking, I free you!” Trying to sound epic, I blasted her with the energy I had stored up, along with some of my own seal breaking magic.

    For the next 5 minutes I was blind, using that much power all at once had SOME drawbacks. What I could gather from what went on around my blind self was Celestia came in and began talking with who I guess was now Luna, and after some heart string tugging words they made up.

    This is where I got my sight back, and somehow I was in Ponyville with party decorations up. I knew all too well it was Pinkie’s doing, but who was I to complain? It was a party! So I instantly found the booze. It wasn't until everyone was heading for the town square did I realize something important was going to happen. I migrated with everyone to see Celestia and Luna about to take off. When I was spotted by Luna two things happened.

    one is that I finally got to see young Luna,

    and two I got tackled horn first in the stomach. Which ever merciful god made their horns dull must have known this day would come. The snuggles were a good thing though.

    “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” I love being a hero, this is what I get, the good feeling in your stomach from doing good and the praise you get from doing a job well done.

    “No problemo, go with your sister now and We’ll catch up later alright?” She gave me a slightly sad look but nodded and flew back to her sister, who was giving me the troll eyes.

    This may get bad in the future.

Adventures with Luna and some non-important guy!

        Time to pull an old joke in a new world! As you may know I always crash with Twilight, its a thing, shut up.

        Anyway, remember when I did the bop to the nose thing then got punted into orbit? I’m going to do this again, but this time I’m going to teleport. I kicked in the door to the library, which scared the shit out of Twilight and Spike. “Dark!? What are you doing?! You just kicked down my door!” Honest mistake. I walked over to her and took a knee.

        “Twilight Sparkle, there is something I must get off my chest.”

        “W-what?” The confusion, its delicious.

        “Ever since I made eye contact with you I have had this feeling, a strong feeling! One that outweighs all other feelings.” I spoke in my man voice, a deep, commanding voice that I used for situations like this and for when I’m pissed beyond belief. “Twilight Sparkle...” As you all know, she is blushing enough to set off a volcano. “Boop.” I poked her on the nose and quickly teleported to Canterlot, on a balcony in the castle on one of the towers. From what I was witnessing a nuke went off in Ponyville. “I bet thats just visual effects.” I chuckled and looked down. “Huh, Canterlot castle, LETS VISIT THE KIDS!” I jumped over the railing and landed rather softly *Cough* in front of the gates. The guards currently at the front looked like they were about to wet themselves.

        “Excuse me my fine gentlecolts! I would like to visit the royal pony sisters! Mind opening the gate for me?” They flared their wings at me and got ready to charge. “TIA! YOUR GUARDS ARE BEING MEAN TO ME!” The gate then opened while being covered in a soft golden glow, and the guards were lifted up in the same glow. “Can I go in now?” They both nodded with nervous looks. “Thank you, and have a nice day!” I walked through the gates and into the throne room, where a grinning Celestia sat. “Greetings my fine lady, it is nice to see you again.” I bowed.

        “Same here, I am thankful you saved my sister.” I quit bowing because that was getting boring.

        “Think nothing of it, it was your students power that did it honestly, where is the little moon pi-” I was then tackled to the floor for the second time in a week by a hyperactive moon princess with a rounded horn that I was still thankful for not being sharp. “There she is! Still trying to harpoon me I see?”

        “Get over it, you're made of stronger stuff.” Glad to see she hasn't relapsed into the royal canterlot voice thing yet, its only a matter of time...

        “True, but don’t think that gives you the right to keep doing that, cause it still hurts.” I rubbed where her horn had threatened to turn me into a cabob just moment before. “Anyway, I have to stay here a while until Twilight simmers down after a joke, I don’t feel like going to outer space right now.” I said looking at Tia.

        “Of course you can stay!” To my surprise it was Luna that spoke up instead of her sister, it surprised Tia as well. “We can hang out all week!” Well, it might take a week for Twilight to calm down, so...

        “Why not? LET US SHOW THE WORLD WE ARE FUNNY!” I placed her on my head and stood proud. “Let not bounds of mortals slow our actions!” I was beginning to have fun with this. “But first...” I quickly took out a quill and parchment.

        Dear Twilight Sparkle,

                Sit in a chair and levitate it, it will be the best thing ever.

        Your wonderful teacher, Celestia.

        With that I sent the letter of wise to the pissed off student. “Alright! What should we do now?”

---Twilight---

        ‘How dare he pull a joke like that! When I get my hooves on him I’m going to-!’ A lettered poofed into existence in front of me, my anger all but gone at the sight of it. When I read what was on it I gained a confused look. “Well....Alright.” I moved over to one of the chairs I had in the library and sat down. “Here goes nothing...”

---Dark---

        I think I heard a wall break down somewhere, I’m not sure. Luna was now perched on my head like a adorable hoodie. “So what are we doing?” I asked, getting strange looks from the guards we passed.

        “Um...Lets play some videogames!” She cheered, What she had done on the moon makes me want to go there.

        “Your talking my language, LETS DO IT!

        ---Day 2---

        “You sure this is a good idea?” I asked as I brought the slingshot back further.

        “Trust me, Blueblood is even more stuck up then most of the ponies in Canterlot. Imagine what he’ll do covered in mud?”

        “Oh I smell rage, I LOVE IT!” I adjusted the large slingshot a bit, a balloon filled with, you guessed it, mud, was sitting there, waiting to get shot at the stuck up pony. “Alright mud balloon, this is your destiny, the reason you were created, you shall be missed my friend.” Luna and I both let off a small tear as I unleashed it upon its victim. Time seemed to slow down as the balloon approached, in that split second, the balloon got its cutie mark, a white pony silhouette with a balloon flying towards it. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

        And then it exploded, and we ran.

        The screams of rage were glorious, wherever mud balloon is now, he is smiling down upon us, grateful we could make his life worth living.

        ---Day 3---

        I found something out today, Luna kicks ass at Halo, next time I need to get the sniper before she does. Welp, today we’re going to take Celestia’s cake and hold it hostage, its just so much fun messing with ol Tia! She was at court, so Luna and I snuck into her room and disarmed the traps. “Does she really need to set up traps? I mean come on no one but us are idiots enough to steal her cake.” I whispered as he continued into the sun goddesses room.

        “She is rather cautious, tis something that she has retained over the years.” Oh fuck shes going back to ancient talk, oh well. We approached a set of drawers that smelled of cake. “I forgot which one it was!” She face hoofed.

        “Then we shall check them both!” I steeled myself and opened one.

        Cake....Patterned....Panties...

        “Oh my...” Luna blushed slightly as I stretched them out a bit.

        “I fucking knew it! She put up those damn traps for these!” I hissed and put on a troll face. “I have a plan.” I checked if they were clean, which, surprisingly, they were. I stuck them in my pocket and opened the other drawer, which had the actual cake in it. “So it’s not a lie.” I joked, getting a chuckle from Luna. Luna took out her bag of holding, and we emptied the whole drawer into the endless bag. “Alright! Bail!” I threw down a smoke bomb and teleported us back to Luna’s room.

        Tomorrow is going to be fun.

        ---Day 4---

        All you need to know is that I put the panites on my head and ran around the throne room with them on. Tia was PISSED! Especially when I ran through all of Canterlot with them on while she chased me.

        That can give people the wrong idea you know.

        ---Day 5---

        Today was a slow day, so Luna and I decorated the throne room.

        It did not end well.

        ---Day 6---

        “I have an idea!” I declared and yoinked Luna’s crown, who had grown in the night, her mane was now all wavy and glowy. I opened a window and took aim.

        “What are you doing?” She asked curiously as she walked up next to me.

        “Inviting another friend, just one more second...” With that, I threw the crown with the power of 7.2 titans. It flew almost fast enough to break the sound barrier, it stopped when it hit some invisible bubble, which popped from the fource. From inside the bubble, the being sitting inside was not expected the crown to actually POP his bubble, stranger things have happened he guessed.

        “WHOA!” He yelped and began to fall towards the ground. I grabbed the curtains of the window and pulled an Applejack, using them as a lasso to grab the falling man and drag him up into Luna’s room, not before he hit the castle wall like a ton of bricks. “How did you even do that...?” He spoke while rubbing his face.

        “I’m full of surprises, you should know that.” I chuckled. “Luna my dear, allow me to introduce you to the biggest douche in the known everything! The Imposter! I call him Peter.”

        “You know damn well I don’t like being called that.” He glared slightly at me, I swear I could kick this guy in the nuts and he would only be slightly angry at me. Luna was sorta confused, I can’t blame her.

        “Oh well! You're hanging out with us, come on! I still have that pair of Celestia’s panties!” I picked him up and ran as fast as I could to the throne room. I set him down and placed the panties upon his head.

        “NOT AGAIN!” Tia, from where she sat on the thorne, howled in rage and began powering up.

        “RUN MOTHERFUCKER, RUN!” I ran away from the scene, leaving the poor imposter confused and more than likely shitting himself at the full wrath of the sun.

        Oh who am I kidding that guy can take a reality breaking fist to the jaw, trust me, I tried once.

        ---Day 7, end of week---

        So it was just about time to leave, incase Tia decides to get her vengeance. Peter was sizzling slightly, I think she hit him with the sun itself. He had a slightly annoyed face while I was getting ready to go. “That must have been the best week I ever had.”

        “Good for you, and do you REALLY need to take more of her panties with you?” I quickly slammed my hand over his mouth.

        “Shh! Yes I do! Twilight will flip her shit if she sees her teachers panties!” I laughed and slung the bag over my shoulder, it mainly full of the panties. “She’s going to be so pissed when she finds out I took all of them.” I said with the stupidest fucking grin on my face.

        “Just....Let’s go before I take another sun to the face.” Peter said, softly facepalming. Luna was sitting by the door, ready to bid us farewell. What I did not expect was a tackle hug, thank who ever is currently watching over me the horn did not hit its mark.

        Somewhere, in front of a shitty laptop, a man drinking soda began to think of horrible thing he could do to his creation.

        “Twas nice seeing you again sir Dark!” She spoke while rubbing her head into my chest, which was beyond adorable.

        “I still have no idea where we met before, but I’m sure I’ll find out soon.” I ruffled that cosmos of a mane she had, to be honest I thought doing that was going to blow up a few worlds or something.

        “I’m sure you will, happy trails!” The little bugger teleported us before I could. We were now in Twilight library, currently looking over Spike who looks like he just had a heart attack.

        “Hey little dude! I’m back! Wheres Twilight?” After a few deep breaths, he pointed at a hole in the wall. “...I know why, and I chose not to share.”

        Next time on My Not So First Jump!

        “I thought we had something special!”

        “Dark! I’m a rock! I don’t have emotions!”

        “WWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY!?”

        (Those have nothing to do with the net actual chapter.)