Ponies on Red Dwarf

Chapters

Chapter 0: Prologue
Chapter 1: Tolerance
Chapter 2: Dimensionjump
Chapter 3: Acquaintances
AUTHORS NOTE READ
Chapter 4: If Looks Could Kill
(Short But Important) Chapter 5: Life In The Dark
Chapter 6: Brimstone and Pain
Chapter 7: Operation Roasted Marshmallow, Part 1: My Name Is Iviry
Chapter 8: Operation Roasted Marshmallow, Part 2: Some News
Chapter 9: Operation Roasted Marshmallow, Part 3: Under Normal Circumstances
Author's Note: Gatdamnit John de Lancie!
Chapter 10: Ace of Spades
Chapter 11: Farewell
Author's Introduction
Author's Note: Getting Off Track, Here, BUT READ THIS FOR SMEG'S SAKE!

Chapter 0: Prologue

Approximately three million years ago, in an age known as "The 90's" a man named Dave Lister worked on a mining ship in space, named Red Dwarf. After discovering that Lister had a cat onboard, a direct transgression of the ship's sanitation rules, the captain of the ship sentenced Lister to two years in stasis. Upon awakening, he finds that he was not, in fact, in stasis for 2 years. He was in stasis for three million. The only life forms remaining are: David Lister, the ships third technician (lowest rank), a hologram of Lister's bunkmate Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer, the ship's AI system Holly, a life form that evolved from Lister's cat, and a mechinoid they picked up along the way named Kryten.

Twilight Sparkle lives in Equestria, a world of high-class magical unicorns, fast middle-class Pegasi, and lower-class laboring regular earth ponies, or, if to be disrespectful, earthies. All royalty are alicorns, and the main ruler is Princess Celestia, with the help of her sisters Princess Luna and Princess Cadenza, or Cadence for short. Twilight is Celestia's faithful student, and was sent to Ponyville, a suburban village underneath the Pegasus capital Cloudsdale and also the root of very many problems: the Everfree Forest, to learn more about the magic of friendship. Along this journey she has made many friends, particularly five relatively young mares. These six friends have saved Equestria many a time. Twilight's five friends are Applejack, Pinkamina Pie (or Pinkie Pie for short), Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. Twilight also has an assistant, a baby dragon named Spike.

Red Dwarf

"Mr. Lister, sir, your breakfast?" Kryten called as he wheeled in a cart. "Today it is your favorite: Curry vindaloo with scrambled eggs and a cherry funnel cake."

"Smeggin' hell, Kryten! What've I told you about this 'Mister Lister Sir!' crap? Be independent for once in your smeggin' life!"

"But sir! I am programed to serve! I serve, so therefore I am! I must--" protested Kryten.

"Okay," Lister interrupted. "Just give it here. Thanks anyway, Kryten."

"Oh, you're welcome, sir!" said Kryten swiftly and sped out the door. He was ready to begin his daily chores when a loud "Ooooowwww!" came from down the hallway. The cat shuffled by in one of his best casual dressings. Kryten gave a quick smile at the Cat's ignorant bliss and returned to his busywork.

Cat did a quick jig and let out another trademark Michael-Jackson-esque "Ooooowwww" before whipping out his pocket mirror.

"Am I lookin' good? Yes!" he said contently and walked a few steps more, then took back the mirror. "How 'bout now? Uh-huh!" He would've checked again, but he had reached his destination. He scooted in and let out a last "Ooowwwww!" before turning to speak to Lister.

"Yo! You seen goal post head?" he asked.

"Rimmer? Yeah, um, I think he's workin' on Starbug... Why?"

"Holly said to grab him and you and meet on D Deck."

"You know what she want's? Going all the way to D Deck?""

"Naw, but it sounds big. Something about cross dimensions..."

"Well, we're no stranger to cross dimensional travel!"

"Just c'mon"

After getting Kryten, Lister met Cat and Rimmer in the D Deck. Holly fluttered on screen.

"'Sup dudes?"

"Whaddaya want, Holly?" urged Rimmer.

"Well, I've been studying other dimensions lately..."

"Yes?" prodded Cat.

"And one is attempting entrance to ours. Not anytime soon, but within the next twenty-four hours,"

"Well, aliens! I tell you, it'll be aliens. They'll accept me as their leader, and--" began Rimmer.

"Rimmer?" interrupted Lister.

"Yes?"

"You're a smeghead."

Ponyville

"A-Are you sure?" stammered Fluttershy.

"It'll be fine!" assured Rainbow Dash. "Just sit still!" Rainbow tie one last knot on the rope that bound the two. "We're going to get that weird cat of Rarity's free!"

"Um, he-her name's Opalescence..." stuttered Fluttershy, then let out a small *eep* as she saw Applejack approaching. She adjusted her helmet and the two pillows strapped around her waist and tried to sink into them as much as possible.

"Don'ch y'all worry none now, this is perfectly harmless..." began Applejack, but was interrupted by a snapping sound followed by a low creak from the makeshift catapult. "... Ah think," AJ bucked the tree that held the designated rope and watched them fly. A loud screech of pure terror erupted from Fluttershy. She... Had a fear of moving at fast speeds. Rainbow added to the speed by flying with it. Rainbow skillfully grabbed Opal from the tree as a half terrifying, half awesome fact crossed her mind; She couldn't stop safely, she was going too fast. She rushed at Rarity and AJ with full speed and yelled,

"Sorrygoingtoofasthere'syourcathaveanicedaaaaaaaaay!" and dropped Opal into Rarity's face with such speed and force, Rarity fell flat on her back with a ball of fur, claws, and teeth with a collar attached to her face.

"Uhm... Rare's? You good?" checked AJ. She was answered by a low groan. A sonic rainboom exploded and Applejack was blown onto her face herself. A good fifteen minutes later, Rainbow and Fluttershy landed safely, but Fluttershy was a gibbering mess, and Rarity was barely conscious, AJ had a giant scrape down the side of her face, and Rainbow was miraculously untouched.

Twilight simply followed the trail of rainbow to find the other four. She had Pinkie with her, and Spike, so she was slowly losing it.

"And I said to Ms. Cake, 'Remind me never to use that Mirrorpond again!', and she looked at me funny, but I think she got it... Lesse... Then I watched over Pound and Pumpkin! Ooh, they are just soooo cute! I just dunno how anyone could possibly ever not like them. Do you? I mean, those big puppy-dog eyes, those just plain squishy cheeks, those superiffically tiny hooves, adorabletastic! Actually, I once knew this guy who didn't like babies! He thought they were scary! His name was Dea--" rambled Pinkie, but was cut off:

"Shut... UP!" demanded Twilight at the top of her lungs. Pinkie recoiled, and came to a trot, but eventually went back to bouncing. Twilight rolled her eyes and let out a loud groan. But thankfully, and Twilight thanked Celestia it was over, they were met with a nervous Rainbow Dash and the other three all on the ground. Twilight facehoofed.

"What did you do this time?"

"Minor accident..." replied an unsure Rainbow.

"Uh-huh... So... Pinkie, Spike, and I have discovered another universe, and we kind of want to all go there together I would hope..."

"Woah, woah, woah. No! We can't just walk into another universe willy-nilly! What if they're hostile!"

"If somepony were hostile, I would know. I've been watching them."

"Creepy!"

"Maybe, but effective. They encounter hostile events and handle each well. I'm sure ten ponies and a dragon won't hurt!"

"Ten?"

"Us six, the three princesses, and my brother."

"If they're not hostile, why bring the head of the royal guard?"

"He's my brother..."

"...But what use what would they be, really? I mean, I get that they're supposed to protect the princess, but, really. What other purpose do they serve?"

"He's my broth..."

"Army of Changelings, and what do they do? They leave six regular ol' mares to take care of it! Granted you're very gifted, and Pinkie miraculously provided artillery, but not a hoof raised! Queen Chrysalis even too..."

"HE'S COMING BECAUSE HE'S MY BROTHER, OKAY?" shouted Twilight. Rainbow backed away slowly. Spike looked around nervously then blurted:

"Those three may need medical attention!" Twilight calmed down.

"Yes, let's get going," she sighed and incased the three in a magical field and levitated them away.

Chapter 0 end.

Chapter 1: Tolerance

TOLERANCE

Red Dwarf

"So can we see this dimension?" demanded Cat. Holly nodded.

"Yes, but, before you do, there's something disturbing you should know. There was once an American cartoon in the 21st century, a cartoon mainly targeted at... Well, all ages, I guess. It was known as "MLPFiM" to most..."

"What does that stand for?" asked Rimmer.

"My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic," responded Holly slowly.

"I recall the program" reminisced Kryten. "A fond one of love and tolerance."

"Kryten, you weren't even built yet!" reminded Lister.

"Ah, true, sir, but it was around for positively centuries after it was cancelled!"

"Pfft, sounds like a bunch of love mushy stuff for six year old girls!" said Rimmer spitefully.

"Well, the characters of that show... Are who coming to us,"

"Wha?" Lister nearly spit out his curry.

Ponyville

"So how much longer will it take Rarity to recover?" worried Twilight.

"Well... A week until she's conscious, probably, then another few until she isn't bedridden. The bill will be... Oh, 2000 bits, easy. So I say give her two or three months to fully recover, physically and emotionally, and a year financially. Man, I love being a doctor!" Explained Dr. Brightstar. "Which means, she most probably won't be coming with you on your... expedition."

"Crab apples..." muttered Twilight as she turned to tell her friends the news.

5 Hours Later

"Then... Rare's is that bad off?" asked Applejack as she rubbed her bandage.

"Don't rub it, it gets worse. I've had plenty of..." Scootaloo searched for the right word. "Experience? Falling off my scooter."

"Yep. I'd ask somepony to take their place..." Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo perked their heads up. "...but that'd be unfair..." Their heads went right back down. "... So instead I've studied three certain spells... And woven them! I've written a five sentence manual for Rarity to read about it. You see, I will document my vision, one spell, send it between dimensions, two spells, and put it in scroll form for her to view later, three spells! Ooh, nopony's done this since Hawklight the Sorcerer! That is, weave three spells." Twilight continued to explain.

"That... is... so... cool!" decided Pinkie.

"This could very well revolutionize the world of entertainment," marveled Twilight. "I, no, we could be rich and famous! Together!"

"Back to reality, Twilight..." Rainbow clapped her hooves in front of Twilight's face.

"Sorry..." she shook her head. "Oh, yes, um... We will be leaving in 48 hours."

"How long is that?" Pinkie pondered.

"This time Wednesday..." sighed Twilight. "In the meantime..."

Red Dwarf

"...why don't we find out more about these... Ponies?" Rimmer suggested. They had been arguing over whether they were friendly or not, when Rimmer, realizing he was losing the argument, cut himself off. Lister nodded.

"For once I agree with from my vision, one spell, send it between dimensions, two spells, and put it in scroll form for her to view later, three spells! Ooh, nopony's done this since Hawklight the Sorcerer! That is, weave three spells." Twilight continued to explain.

"That... is... so... cool!" decided Pinkie.

"This could very well revolutionize the world of entertainment," marveled Twilight. "I, no, we could be rich and famous! Together!"

"Back to reality, Twilight..." Rainbow clapped her hooves in front of Twilight's face.

"Sorry..." she shook her head. "Oh, yes, um... We will be leaving in 48 hours."

"How long is that?" Pinkie pondered.

"This time Wednesday..." sighed Twilight. "In the meantime..."

Red Dwarf

"For once I agree with. Who knows how much they know about us?"

"LIME ALERT! LIME ALERT!" came Holly on screen. "I repeat, lime alert !"

"Lime alert?" repeated Lister, befuddled.

"What's a lime alert?" insisted Rimmer, just as confused.

"Misinformation was given," responded Holly.

"Isn't that magenta alert?"

"No, that's when an onboard doctor preforms maltreatment."

"What's the smog-up in your debriefing?" groaned Rimmer.

"They will not, in fact, be coming tomorrow afternoon, but Wednesday morning," she informed.

"How do you know?"

"Here, see the clip..." Holly's face fluttered off-screen and a grainy video faded in. Eight ponies were in a circle. There was a lavender unicorn, a smaller white unicorn, two Pegasi, one cyan, one orange and seemingly very young, and one more of a butter colour, a pink, bouncing pony that had no wings or horn, another with neither of these extra body parts that was orange with a cowboy hat, and another not special, but young, pony that was yellow with a huge red bow. The lavender one spoke.

~Yep, I'd ask somepony else to take her place, but that'd be unfair, so I've studied three certain spells... and woven them! I've written a five sentence manual-- Holly fast-forwarded it. Now the pink one was talking.

~--is... so... cool! More fast-forwarding... Now the cyan one spoke. Rimmer found himself marveling at the Pegasus's rainbow mane.

~Back to reality, Twilight

Then the lavender, Lister guessed was Twilight.

~Sorry... Oh, yes, um, we will be leaving in 48 hours... Then the pink one.

~How long is that? The lavender one sighed.

~This time Wednesday-- The transmission ended.

"As you can see, they will be here Wednesday. Rimmer, I'll try to make you look less like a pedophile..."

"Listie, Listie, try something new, take a shower, and actually wash yourself while you're in there!" commanded Rimmer. Lister rolled his eyes and headed to the quarters. "Put me into the very best second technicians clothing!" And a white suit with buffing sholderpads and "Second Technician" emblazoned in gold over a shirt pocket in a forest green box appeared on him. Also, a pair of jet black dress shoes. Rimmer smiled smugly and gave his trademark salute, waving his hand in the air and saluting with the back of his head, before trotting down the hall.

Kryten was folding the laundry when all of a sudden, a loud crashing and a scream of pain from the Cat came from the next room. He dropped his work and ran to the next room. One of the Cat's many clothes racks had fallen!

"Ooh, and I had just finished ironing those!" complained Kryten before slowly picking up the rack. Cat had looked as if on the brink of crying.

"My clothes!" he exclaimed. "Why would this happen..."

Ponyville

"...to me? Why now?" stirred Rarity. Some doctors flurried over and began writing things down. A couple checked the IV and fiddled with the heart monitor. Dr. Brightstar shooed them away and dropped to Rarity's side.

"Are you okay?" he asked, more concerned with the size of the medical bill shrinking than her actual wellbeing. "Are you still hurt?"

"My... My..." she groaned.

"Your? Your what?" urged Brightstar.

"My scarf, is it okay?" she said, much clearer.

"It's fine," Dr. Brightstar sighed. "As well as your cat. Your sister and parents took her back to Canter lot." Rarity sat up with an expression of combined fury and shock.

"My... parents, did... WHAT?!?!" her heart monitor raced and steam came close to flying forth from her nostrils. "I TOLD THOSE IMBECELS NOT TO LAY A HOOF ON OPAL, AND NOW THEY WALTZ IN HERE AND TAKE HER BACK TO CANTERLOT? ARE THEY DEAF? AND WHY DIDN'T SWEETIE BELLE STOP THEM? THEY WILL RUE THE DAY THEY---"

"Ms. Rarity, please..." he pushed her into a laying position. "...calm yourself. I have further bad news. Try to contain yourself. You will not be going to the new dimension..." Rarity began to fume up again. "...but, but. But Ms. Sparkle has, um, created a new spell. You will be able to see the entire trip in intervals. Here's a manual Twilight wrote for it."

"Fine," groaned Rarity and snatched the stapled document.

Red Dwarf

"Um, Cat, ah you okay?" Lister waved his free hand in front of the traumatized Cat.

"Sir, may I recommend you not bother the Cat right now," suggested Kryten. Lister went back to his guitar. He played a few of, what he thought were good, notes. The Cat snapped out of his trance.

"You know what I said about that guitar. There's a bazookoid less than thirty meters away," warned Cat. Lister set down the guitar and held up his hands.

"All right, all right!" he retreated. "Don't get..."

Ponyville

"...too feisty, Ms. Rarity! You may put yourself back into a coma!" warned Dr. Brightstar. Rarity almost cried.

"Don't get to feisty?! My irresponsible little sister and birdbrained parents have in their possession the thing third most important to me, my best friends are going to a new dimension and I can't accompany them, and worst of all: I'M GOING TO BE SPENDING HALF OF SWEETIE BELLE'S COLLEGE FUND AT THIS F--" Two very loud ponies under the names of Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon came by in a loud conversational mess. "--ING HOSPITAL!!!"

"Ma'am, please watch your language, there are children in this hospital," hissed Brightstar. Rarity sighed.

"Sorry. It's just... This is so annoying. It's already been a day and they leave..."

Canterlot

"...tomorrow in the morning, your highness," informed Shining Armor. "And, she, and we, find it necessary that my wife, you, your sister, and I accompany them."

"Well, I'm sorry Shining Armor. I cannot join you, nor my sister, for we still need to sign the Crystal Empire as a UCE," informed Celestia, forlorn. Shining was familiar with the term, UCE. It meant United Cities of Equestria, as it was known as to many a non-Equestrian pony and zebra tribes and griffon kingdoms.

Shining Armor turned and sighed, unaware of how to break the news to his little sister.

He knew how she would get.

Friendship Express

Twilight knew something was wrong. She could always tell something was wrong. She turned around. Her friends were conversing lightly to the side. Spike was asleep, Pinkie was gibbering, and Rainbow Dash had "been in the bathroom" for the past thirty minutes. Otherwise, everypony was very intimidated. Mostly because of Twilights intense stare out the window, but still. They to, knew. Something wasn't right.

End Chapter 1

AUTHORS NOTE:

New chapters will be on Wednesdays. Enjoy.

Chapter 2: Dimensionjump

DIMENSIONJUMP

Friendship Express

Twilight had a piece of paper, and was floating it in front of her face, with a pencil writing things down at a constant speed.

"Okay, I have it written down. Applebloom? Scootaloo? Do you have your transfer passes?" Twilight confirmed. They nodded. "Remember to meet Babs Seed and her older sister. Are you sure your parents are okay with this, Scootaloo?"

"Well, I dunno about my dad... But I do know my mom was all for it for some reason!" Scootaloo explained.

"Okay then! We will be met by mine and Rarity's parents. Sweetie Belle?" continued Twilight. Sweetie nodded. "You will go with Rarity's parents. I'm all for family values and all, but you cannot stay for friendly greetings with your folks. We will need to hurry, and you will need to be on your way.

"Okay!" Sweetie confirmed. She actually had gone up to Canterlot a day before Rarity had woken up to pick up Opal, Rarity's cat, and drop it off with her parents. Rarity, as the information had been relayed to Sweetie Belle, was not happy about this. She had, apparently, gone into a fit of rage. She was so uncharacteristic to her own that she had even managed a curse word. Sweetie shivered at the thought and was happy to be as far away as possible from Rarity. She just hoped Opalescence hadn't gotten too spoiled or else...

Ponyville

"...she'll never listen to me, eat the proper food, or... Oooh! I am so irate right now! I could just... Could just..." Rarity angrily mumbled. Dr. Brightstar shook his head, tiring of hearing the same things constantly, every day.

"Ms. Rarity, I'm sure your parents are completely suitable to care for your cat. Why not just calm down, and listen? Your friends have not yet left, but Ms. Sparkle has already a message for you. You've read the corresponding manual, correct?" explained Brightstar. Rarity nodded grumpily. She looked over at it on the table. She had practically memorized it, seeing as they wouldn't allow her access to a sewing machine, and there was nothing else to do. "Here is the parchment. Um... How does it work again?"

Rarity sighed. "Twilight took the spell of being able to record what she sees and transferred it onto parchment, which she will be able to send across dimensions. I vaguely understand the concept myself, that's a passage straight from the book. You may read it if you wish," offered Rarity. Dr. Brightstar gave her a sideways glance. She had much changed since her first day in the hospital. She had gone very out of character. From what Brightstar understood, she was very snooty, clean, fashionable, Pre-Maredonna, and... well, all around stuck-up! By now she was like any other fashion-based magic unicorn. Still diva-ish, but with a hint of uncaring and unfamiliarity with the concept of others having feelings. He remembered something along the lines of "Element of Generosity" and being nice and kind to ponies. No more of that. Maybe she had taken harder of a blow to the head than he thought. She yawned, which snapped him back to reality. "I guess I'll watch this parchment and head to sleep. It's getting late. You're shift is probably over," Dr. Brightstar face hoofed. He had gotten off thirty minutes ago!

Rarity opened up the scroll. She opened it to see four of her other friends. Sweetie's voice could be head in the background, probably knowing that Rarity did not want to see her. Twilight could be heard shushing ponies in the background. Twilight began to speak.

Hello, Rarity, this is Twilight

And this is Rainbow!

Applejack, howdy.

The train conductor told us to get this over with, so... The picture darted around, as if her eyes were ping pong balls hitting back and forth by paddles handled by ponies having epileptic spasms. Rarity guessed she was checking for the conductor to come thru the doors, telling everypony to hit the sack. Rarity sniggered at the thought. Pinkie Pie stuck her face in front of Twilight's.

And it wasn't Fluttershy this time! She said and gave Fluttershy the stink eye. She cowered back.

Um... S-sorry... Her and Pinkie had still been touchy over the whole "MMMM" thing. Rainbow didn't care about it anymore, and that's the day everypony found out about... the thing. Rarity cringed at the scorned memory.

Eh! Time for bed! Enough wit de chit chat, we's a'ready gots complaints. A deep voice from the right of them. A man closely resembling Donut Joe but with a darker coat and frizzier mane stood in the doorway of the sleeping car they were in. A collective "Okay, good night." erupted from the five. Twilight laid down and looked up for a minute. Spike was in the same bunk as Sweetie Belle, due to the fact this car was only meant for eight and there were ten of them. Applebloom and thier other little friend, Scootielow, was it?, were sharing the above bunk. Rarity was unsure whether to think this was adorable or disturbing, but then she remembered when she had to share a bed with Applejack, and settled for adorable. And from what Twilight had told her, Rarity understood that Spike was quite the snorer. Rarity almost felt sorry for Sweetie, then forgave her. After all, it wasn't her fault. Just thier stupid, good-for-nothing, incapable parents. So, as the little recording restarted, Rarity closed it, and laid down, Rarity decided to forgive Sweetie and go to sleep.

But not her parents.

Definitely not.

Red Dwarf

"So run this by me again: As the ponies arrive, we are to let them examine us, then announce our name and position, in order of rank?" confirmed Rimmer. Kryten nodded. "Then what would Cat be?"

"I think I should rank highest!" suggested Cat. Everyone gave him a strange glance.

"Why?" asked Lister.

"I'm the sexiest!" announced Cat. Everyone rolled their eyes. Lister facepalmed. The cat sniffed. "Hold on. I'm smellin' somethin'..."

"Wot is it?" asked Lister. "I don't think you'ah smellin' right."

"My wonderful schnozz never lies, and my nose hairs are tinglin' faster than a teenage boy's right hand at a wet t-shirt contest. Something's up!" Another Kryten, Lister, Cat, and Rimmer, accompanied by two ponies, one pink, one lavender, and what looked to be a pygmy dragon. Kryten had the teleporter in his hand.

"Oh, pooh. I forgot to mention the fact that we might end up at the wrong point in time. Well, um, this looks like a week ago, last Wednesday. About an hour before you arrived here, Twilight. Come, we must inform your brother of our findings," said the Kryten with a teleporter in his hands. The lavender pony then spoke.

"You may want to head down to the docking bay with Starbug soon!" she informed. The pink one waved vigorously.

"HI PAST DAVID! HIYA PAST RIMMER-- er, SMEGHEAD! HI PAST KRYTEN! CAT, YOUR SUIT IS LOVELY!" she yelled. The Cat looked down at his suit and smiled.

"Why, thank you!"

"Eh," Lister 2 spoke. He pulled a cigarette from his ear. He lit it and took a drag. "Let’s get this show on the road. We still Gotta contain the EHSP before it..."

"Now don't reveal too much, Mr. Lister. We wouldn't want to create more of a paradox." said Kryten 2. He pushed a few buttons, and they telepored out.

"Well, that was odd. Back to what I was saying: I believe I should go first, based on age, experience, and rank. The Cat is not an official crew member, therefore meaning..." began Rimmer. Lister cut him off.

"...'Therefoh meaning' you'll shut tha smeg up! Wot tha smeg just happened?"

"Ah, it appears a future version of ourselves and the ponies we will soon encounter. We should probably head down to the docking bay, as the lavender one instructed," suggested Kryten. Rimmer shook his head with disgust.

"You have the head of a novelty condom, what do you know? You're a service droid, you don't tell me what to do. I'm staying right here,"

"Turquoise alert! Report to Docking Bay F!"

rang Holly over the intercom.

"Turquoise alert? What's turquoise alert?"

"It's when Holly is in command," said Kryten.

"Which one's Docking Bay F?" asked Cat.

"The one with Starbug," said Lister.

"And why do we need all this constant explaining?" asked Kryten.

"Because you're all jibbering idiots!" said Rimmer and rose. "I don't know about you fellows, but I'm one for the chain of command! So I'll go first, then Lister, Cat, and Kryten. It all works out!"

"Actually, sir, seeing as you are a hologram, you rank just above me. So, in turn, it would go, David Lister, third technician, Cat, a humanoid based cat, Me, a service mechanoid, and you, second technician, hologram," explained Kryten. Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"Fine, Lister, Cat, you, me. Let's go," he moaned. They all shuffled to Docking Bay F and awaited thier guests.

Canterlot

Shining Armor paced back and forth at the train station. He wasn't so sure of this, now that the other two princesses were coming along. Princess Cadenza Mi Amore, or, as she requested to be called, Cadence, was going. She was considering not, but decided to come.

"Ooh, I just don't know what to tell Twily..." Shining Armor grumbled. Cadence felt bad for him. And Twilight.

"It's fine. I'm sure she won't care too much," she tried to comfort, but failed.

"No, she will. Do you know, when she went into that academy and became Princess Celestia's personal student, she hardly cared about us? I didn't hear from her for... Well, it seemed like I didn't until our wedding, then she was angry at me for not contacting her? The Princess was like a mother to her..." he looked over at his and Twilight's mom, who was giving Shining the evil eye. "...well, second mother. But you know what I mean. She barely cared, Princess Celestia was her life. So now, she makes what, most possibly, may be a discovery that will change the course of her life and make her name go down in the books, and the pony that very well may be the pony she looks up to the most won't be there. What the f-"

"DAFFODIL SANDWICHES! GET YER DAFFODIL SANDWICHES HERE!" screamed a passing food vender.

"-k am I supposed to do?!"

"Shiny, no call for that language! And besides, a little bad news shouldn't ruin little Twi-Shy's big day!" scolded thier mother. Shining groaned.

"She hates being called that! And did you hear what she did to Spike when he told her not to worry about a test? They say her magic managed to move the library a couple of blocks! How many blocks do you think she'll send me? All the way back to the Crystal Empire, my guess! I just don't know what to say," he continued sadly. The train pulled up with a screeching halt, Twilight's excited face in the doorway. The doors opened with one loud SCREEEEEE-HIIISSSSSS.

"-ck my life," mumbled Shining Armor, eyes wide with a mix of fear of what fury hath Twilight and anger at his little sister's despicable timing.

"BBBFF! How've you been? Oh, it's been great for me, thanks for asking. Oh, mom! Dad! How've you been? Good! Okay, well... Um, hi!"

"Twily! Um... Twilight, I--" began Shining, but was cut off by a sharp gasp from Twilight.

"Cadence!" she exclaimed. She ran over to her old foalsitter and, technically, sister-in-law, and gave her a giant hug.

"Woah-oah-oah, kid," she said and set her down. They then proceeded to do thier signature dance.

Sunshine

Sunshine

Ladybugs awake

Bring it up

And give a little shake!

As they conversed, Shining ran over to Spike for advice. Spike heard the situation, and shook his head in a way a father would after his child had repeated something they hadn't supposed to.

"Well, Shining Armor, you've got yourself a doozey here. The only thing I can do is this," said Spike and handed Shining a helmet, two pillows, and a belt. "Strap the pillows around your waist, and wear the helmet tight. It should soften the blow. Shining began to say something:

"Sh-"

Red Dwarf

"-it will be a while before they actually arrive, in that case," explained Kryten.

"So we technically have three hours?" confirmed Cat. Kryten nodded.

"Yes. And we have an oncoming media pod. I suggest we take Starbug and examine that first. It would be most beneficial," he urged. Rimmer was hesitant, but Lister and Cat were right on top of it.

"So what're we smeggin' waiting on? Let's go get that pod! Board Starbug!" Lister agreed.

"Now hold on, we don't know it's contents quite yet, let's not jump to any conclusions," warned Holly. "It's not even for us, according to further readings."

"Then who's it for?" asked Rimmer, slightly relieved.

"It's for the Pluto mining ship. The Woodward Warhawk. Or, preferred by its crew to be called 'Triple-W-H'. It mined Pluto for such precious minerals as gold, copper, platinum, iron, zinc, and poly-carbonated fibers," informed Kryten.

"Poly-carbon-what-now?" asked Cat.

"Nothing, Cat," mumbled Rimmer.

"The ship was entirely male, and it was launched right after Pluto was re-declared a planet on December 21st, 2012," continued Kryten.

"Now hold on, Pluto was never re-declared as a planet!" disputed Rimmer.

"Yes it was. The public never heard of it, though. Not of the launching either. They were all single males."

"How much you wanna bet we'll get the last remaining copies of Debbie Does Dallas and Lesbian Cheerleaders?" bargained Cat enthusiastically. They all shook thier heads in disbelief. "What?"

"The crew was Pace "Pinkie" Jennings, Gaven Thomas Henry Schtulatz, Dalton Lecsher, Tyreese Lomax, Gabe "Shortround" Smith, Ken Prather, Paul Shroder, and Daniel Schriefer. From our readings... The ship is still active! With five out of eight still alive! We should find them!" read Lister off the screen. Holly's face appeared on screen.

"Incoming transmission!" she informed. A lavender pony appeared on screen. At a closer look, Lister noticed her hair is black, squared off so she could see. It had pink and purple highlights, with a horn sticking up out of the middle of the two. She began to speak.

"See, Shining, it's not that hard. I made the spell, I'm sure it's working! Are you still scared? I told you, I'm not angry! Not at you, at least. Ooh... Um, hi? My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm afraid I can't see you, nor hear you, this is a pre-documented message... So, um, there will be eight of us. Me, four of my friends, there would be a fifth, but she got in a horrible accident..." she said. "My assistant Spike..."

"That's me!" a small, scaly creature popped up and screamed.

"Stay back, Spike, you don't want Shining to lose his concentration! Oh, my older brother, Shining Armor, and his wife Princess Cadence. We will be arriving soon, and..." Twilight Sparkle was interrupted by a pink pony with a hot pink fluffy hair popped up on screen.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" she yelled. It faded out with a bit of purple static and a male voice grumbling something about "we'll never make it there".

"Well. We've got ourselves quite the colourful bunch here."

Canterlot

"Pinkie! You probably made them think we're a bunch of idiots!" groaned Rainbow Dash. She was probably right, and Pinkie was beginning to feel bad about it. She had already started drooping her head a bit.

"Don't blame her so much, Rainbow Dash. We got the message across, and you're being really mean. Look at her, you've probably hurt her feelings!" scolded Shining. Pinkie nodded her head, and everypony gave Rainbow a nasty look. Rainbow bowed her head, not out of shame, but out of anger.

"Rassum frassum, good fer nothin'... Royal guard, bein' all useless... I could do a better job protecting the princess... I'm the element of loyalty, after all... One day I'll join that guard, show them what for. Gotta be twenty. One more year," plotted Rainbow under her breath. Nopony else heard more but a whisper, but Shining heard her. Normally, he'd get onto her for besmirching the good name of the royal guard, but he smirked and decided to himself to let it go. If she was going to join because she thought the guard was incompetent, fine by him. His stallions on the force were getting full of themselves as it was, an attitude like hers would be good on his team. Even if she hated him for it, he was looking forward to having her in the guard.

Shining took this time to examine some of Twilight's other friends. The walk to the city was a ways, and Twilight herself was conversing with thier parents. Applejack was closest to him. She had great ingenuity and determination, and refused to accept defeat, at least, up of what he'd seen. She was very strong, could probably break a helmet open. Many of the Changelings found dead in the courtyard and some amongst those still alive had holes in thier head or breaks in thier skulls the size of her hind hooves.

Fluttershy would be a great leader, but a pity of a fighter. He had seen her give orders before, and she could be very aggressive, but she'd be running from any enemy faster than you could say "I surrender!".

The pink one's pure energy and, what seemed to be, previous training with weapons, dominating in artillery, would make for a great force to reckon with. She's also very crafty and good with her environment. From what he'd heard, Shining was supposed to believe she could manipulate her surroundings in impossible ways. He didn't believe that mumbo jumbo, but whatever he heard...

"Guys... TWITCHY TAIL!!" shouted Pinkie. Everypony except Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, and Twilight's parents ducked. A griffon crash-landed in front of Shining's face. He jumped backwards many kilometers.

...he would go with.

"What the hell just happened?" mumbled the griffon. As she got up, Rainbow and Pinkie both let out a low groan.

"Gilda?" they threw thier heads to the sky as if asking it 'why now? why ever?'. Others rolled thier eyes, let out a short groan, or, as Shining was, looked very confused.

"Oh great, it's you two. Look, I'd love to stay and act like an idiot with you two, but I have to go have a life," she said, very fast. Rainbow managed a snarky grin.

"Okay, you have fun. We're going to go to another dimension and discover another whole world while we’re at it while you do that. I'm sure you'll have much more fun with your 'life' thing you like to pretend to have. Bye!" she said. They all broke into laughter and walked away, leaving Gilda, bewildered, sitting with her book bag and its contents spread around her.

28 minutes later

"--and that's basically how we know Gilda," finished Pinkie Pie. She turned to see the towering skyscrapers, 4-5 star restaurants, and strip malls of Downtown Canterlot. Downtown Canterlot, the best for last fifth district, was one of the biggest tourist attractions in all of Equestria. The famous tourist stallion Tourist Trap started his great expedition there. Rent was not cheap. Twilight's parents were lucky to get an apartment at only 1200 bits a month. Everypony rested in said apartment for hours on end, until it was finally time to go. At 3:15 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd, the world of Equestria would change forever.

Red Dwarf

"Holly, do you know what time it is?" asked Rimmer

"It's 3:15." she answered.

"I don't believe it! We've been waiting here for virtually forever!" Rimmer exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air.

"We've been 'waiting here' for five minutes, sir," corrected Kryten. "For 36 minutes we played two consecutive games of rummy in the working deck while you did your 'daily routine work-outs'."

"Which consist of 5 pushups, 10 jumping jacks, and running in a circle for twenty minutes," continued Lister.

"I'd've ran around the entire ship but I didn't want to be late for the meeting with our little visitors!” Rimmer corrected. “But looks like they won’t be here.”

Ponyville

“Are you ready?” Shining Armor made sure. Twilight groaned.

“I’ll be fine! You just need to be calm. Okay, okay, fooooo,” she breathed. She shot a pink and blue beam that exploded into a giant swirling portal. She seemed to be struggling, so her friends and Shining rushed thru. Twilight jumped and the portal closed behind her, almost too soon, clipping off a centimeter of her tail.

In front of them stood four bipedal males. At least, the ponies guessed they were male. One had matted hair, pulled back into a crude ponytail. He had a bit of barely noticeable stubble, which framed his tanned face. He was wearing a jacket covered in decorative patches and emblems, unzipped to reveal a cartoon monkey wearing a suit and a hat, holding his hands up and saying “D-D-Don’t shoot!”. “David Lister. Third technician,” the man said.

Next to him was a man with much darker skin, slicked back hair that was pitch black, and abnormally sharp teeth. He had a slick black and peach suit with orange buttons and a frilly collar, with a silver bow tie. It would have made Rarity jealous. “I’m the Cat. I’m the most fashionable. And the sexiest!” he explained and let out a high pitched “Ooowwww!”

Next was a man standing up very straight. He was the palest, and he had a silver “H” displayed on his forehead. He was wearing a blue full body suit, which made him look like a fancy janitor. He did a strange salute, in which he twirled his hand in the air and smacked it against his head. “Arnold Rimmer. Second technician, hologram,” he then said and stomped his foot and lowered his salute.

The last man looked very timid. He had a misshapen head, it was flat in many places it was not supposed to be, and he was bald. His clothes looked like they were part of him, which were pure black and had a gray and white circle in the middle. “I am Kryten, Series 4000 model service mechanoid,” he said. It was then Twilight knew he was a robot.

They all stared at the eight expectantly. Twilight went first.

“I’m Twilight Sparkle, a very skilled unicorn, librarian, and personal student of Princess Celestia. Element of Magic.”

“I’m Rainbow Dash, fastest Pegasus in Equestria. Or fastest pony for that matter. Element of Loyalty.”

“I’m Pinkie Pie! Party thrower extraordinaire! I’m sure we’ll be best friends! Element of Laughter!”

“Um… I-I’m Fluttershy… I take care of all the animals… Element of K-Kindness… Please don’t hurt me”

“Ah’m Applejack. Current owner of Sweet Apple Acres. Element of Honesty.”

“I’m Shining Armor. Head of the Royal Guard.”

“I’m Princess Cadenza Mi Amore, third in charge, I guess. You can call me Cadence, though.”

“And I’m Spike!”

“Our friend Rarity could not make it. She got injured. She runs Carousel Boutique, the most popular clothing and fashion store in all of Ponyville. She’s the Element of Generosity.”

“Nice to meet you all! We are glad to have you here. Sorry to hear about your friend. May I show you to your room, ma’ams? And sir,” asked Kryten.

“That would be awesome!” exclaimed Pinkie.

Ponyville

“Ma’am, you have another letter from your friends,” informed an anonymous nurse.

“Thank you,” said Rarity and took the note. She opened it.

Hi Rarity. How are you? I’m good. The crew here are friendly. It’s apparently a different species, exploring space. They believe their race is dead. There is one crew member you would like especially, Cat. He has racks upon racks of fancy suits. I’ll get them on recording sometime. You could get some ideas from it, maybe. I’m tired, and want to hit the sack. You get well soon. Bye.

Rarity smiled weakly. At least they were enjoying themselves

authors notation

This is the longest chapter I’ve ever written for FiMFiction. I hope you enjoyed it!

What’re you doing, author?

Not now, Pinkie!

Chapter 3: Acquaintances

ACQUAINTANCES

Ponyville

Rarity still had a concussion, so she wasn't allowed out of bed. It was very annoying from her prespective, because they provided her with little to no entertainment. "Dead of the Tree" and "Youth Store: 50 Short Stories About Life" were the only books provided, but she owned Youth Store, and Dead of the Tree and it's sequel "Life After Breath" were required reading in school. A long week was just slowly ticking by, and Rarity felt as if it had been 2:30 for two hours. She decided to pass the time by watching the two scrolls sent to her so far. She had lost intrest in the first, listening to it, but she paid no mind to her friend's surroundings, as of then, and she felt like doing as such now.

The train scroll was fuzzy, so she had a hard time noticing certain details, but she did see that there were, in their car, three bunks on each wall, two up on each, making a neat 3X2 array. Each bunk looked military grade, maybe nicer, but hardly comfortable. Each was a dull green-gray colour, with a white pillow. It was obviously not fit for a Pegasus, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy could hardly sit! For Rainbow, that is to be expected, but Fluttershy? She's the calmest out of anypony in exsistence as far as she was concerned! Pegasi don't normally take trains, so one could only guess they didn't really need to prepare for one. Air travel is more their thing.

The back walls were orange and gray, creating an oddly futuristic look. She realized no real detail could be sucked out of this scroll, and set it down. She picked up the next scroll and began to re-watch it.

She noticed the room Twilight was residing in was mainly gray, with a few bits of blue writing around, illedgable from this distance. The given living quarters were furnished with what seemed to be a card table, the bed she was headed to, a bunk above it, which held an impatiently bulging mass she could only guess was Pinkie Pie, and two lockers, for holding belongings, apperently. Twilight had probably shoved them chalk full of books. Rarity sighed and sat it back down. Nothing could suck her from this void of unenjoyable boredom. She couldn't even sleep properly anymore. Not that she was supposed to.

Starbug

"So explain this to me again, we're going out here why?" asked Rainbow Dash. Her, Kryten, Rimmer, and Twilight were in the ship's scouting craft, Starbug 1. Starbug was a forest green ship who had 3 sections, first for the cockpit, second for the midsection, kitchen, stasis chambers, and sleeping quarters, and last for storage. Each of these sections were perfect circles.

"We have discovered another sign of potential life forms in the arear. We beleive the Pluto mining ship Woodward Warhawk is inhabited with human beings. We may be able to trade supplies, or use each-other's facilities. We aren't boarding immediatly. We're scanning it for dangerous substances or seeing if we could open up a communications feed with them." Kryten explained. "Holly? What's the response?"

"on't bor te ip! Tey ve n Emow imution prorm! Wt i it woul uc tee nice ponie o tier mot prminent

emotion? Even i it' for protection ue, it' i too nerou. I repet, o not bor tt ip! on't even et tem now you're ere!" she garbled. Everyone gave a strange look.

"What's your malfunction?" asked Rimmer. She shook her head.

"I'm miin my ome row ey. in, te eybor tt type wt I pe i munctionin. on't bor tt ip! It' nerou! You cn't! Tey've even one ti to me! o you unertn me?" she continued to speak gibberish. Kryten turned to them all.

"Sorry. She's an older AI system. Almost three million years." he shook his head. "Lot's of malfunctions. Last week she talked Sdrawkcab!"

"Sdrawkcab?" repeated Rainbow.

"That's backwards for backwards," explained Twilight. Rainbow nodded.

"It took us three hours to figure out what 'Pleh ,sdrawkcab gniklat otni denoitcnuflam ev'I!' meant!" laughed Rimmer. For once, people were laughing with him, not at him. He felt so big-headed he didn't notice theobvious glitch in Holly's system. All that was flashing on the screen was : ASDFGHJKL.

Red Dwarf

"So this is beer?" asked Pinkie while making a sour face. She brought the cup back to her muzzle, thinking it would be better the second time. Nope. She set it down. It was disgusting, but it left her with a warm-y feeling in her stomach. "I was expecting better. Isn't party material, I wouldn't think."

"Not party material? Not party material?? Thish ish the besht 'party material' you'll ever gonn get," Lister slurred. He was on his fifth cup in the past ten minutes. Every cup he finished he'd take the cup and hold the mouth on his head. This bothered Pinkie. Lister was a nice stallion... er, man, but Pinkie was unsure if she liked this man. For the first time in her life, she wasn't sure about this guy as a friend.

"Well, whatever y'all want, Ah like it!" confessed Applejack. "'S givin' me a headache, though. What happ'ns if ya drink too much?"

"You get drunk. Sh'like gettin' a really bad headache, gettin' shick, shlurrin' yer shpeach, and doin' thingsh you won't 'member in the morning," he explained. Applejack made a face, set the drink down, shrugged, and picked it back up.

"Ya know, Pinkie, this could be a hit at yer parties. Vinyl'd get a kick outta this," she nodded. Pinkie shook her head.

"Definitly not. Did you just not hear what it does to you? Imagine the ponies that could get hurt from it!" she protested.

"Comin' from tha same pony that nearly got me killed ohn mult'ple occashuns..." mumbled Applejack under her breath.

"Like when?"

"Fer starters, on my barn raisin' with Big Macintosh and Wood'n Toaster, you and yer duplicits nearly sqished me flatter 'n a pancake!" she said angrily and took a chug of her brandy.

"What kind of name is Wooden Toaster?" asked Pinkie, stopping herself from going into giggle fits.

"Applebell was never right in the head. She shouldn't have had children. Why do you think he goes by Glaze?""He? But...""Long manes are safer in braids when workin', regardl'ss of gender. Now are y'all gonna let me finish?""I...""Just a month before that on my birthday, you gave me such a sugarrush with your 'apple' pie, if those were apples, that I was in a coma for a week! A week!""Applejack..."Applejack took the last of her glass and refilled it. Her speech began to slur."An'... An' what 'bout tha time... You tol' me to 'giggle at tha ghostly', an' that led mah... me to laugh at Big Mac and Apple Fritt'r when they got 'n a fight. Woah, nelly, was that a bad idea. I couldn' luk 'em in the face for a munf. Why shud you jus' now start worryin' 'bout saf'ty?""Applejack, you've had enough!"Applejack downed her current cup. What was she doing? Applejack would never down a substance like this. She hadn't even drank this much cider in one sitting. Pinkie began to ponder something. She turned to Lister.

"Is it addictive?"

"Oh, yeah. Get it away from 'em, though, and they'll go inshane," he warned. Pinkie took the chance and smacked Applejack's glass onto the floor. Applejack got up out of her seat and headed for the door.

"Fine. Y'all be that way. I'm headed ta bed," she grumbled and walked into a wall.

A loud hissing sound could be heard and Holly appeared on screen.

"We're bc. o to ocin By . I've munctione. urry!" she garbled.

"What'd she say?" asked Pinkie.

"I'm not shure. We should probably head down to Dockin' Bay F. If she'sh onshcreen, they're back from thier mishion," Lister suggested. A pink line and a dustcloud was all that stood in front of him then. It dropped to the floor with a "splish" and streamed down the floor as if it was paint. Lister shook it off as a drunken hallucination.

"Well, Holly malfunctioned," put Rimmer plainly when she got there.

"Details, if you would," moaned Twilight. She was on the ship when it happened, so Pinkie had figured she'd know what had happened. Twilight was staring at the screen, trying to figure out what happened. Kryten was peering over her shoulder.

"May I recommened you look at the data files, ma'am," he suggested. Twilight mashed a few buttons. "Now look at malfuntion records." She pressed more flashy buttons. "Go to the bottom, and that should be that."

"Aha! The... Home row keys? On the keyboard... Are inaccesable to her speech databank... Home row keys? Keyboard? As in the musical instrument?" said Twilight while squinting her eyes.

"Do you see the array of letters on the board in front of you?"

"Yes?"

The middle row of letters is the 'home row',"

"Ah."

"How do we dishable it?" asked Lister.

"Is he drunk?" asked Rimmer.

"Yes," groaned Pinkie.

"Well, we have to find the source of the issue, it says," said Rainbow. "Whatever that means..."

"It men tt you nee to o bc to te ip tt you were tryin to expore n te tem to ix wtever tey've one!" said Holly. Kryten pressed a button on his head.

"If you could repeat that," he said as he connected a wire from his body to the computer Holly's face was shown on.

"It means you need to go back to that ship you were exploring and tell them to fix what they've done! I believe they're what is the problem," she said.

"Probably not. We would like to be allies. The amount of malfunctions you've had..." said Twilight as she scrolled thru the list.

"I require charging. This drains my battery quickly. Permission to go charge myself in fear of perminate shut down?"

"Permission denied," demanded Rimmer.

"Ignore him. Permishion granted," corrected Lister.

"I am your superior officer! You cannot..."

"Shut up, shmeg head,"

"Um... Guys? What're we going to do about the Woodward Warhawk?" asked Rainbow as Kryten walked away.

"I have a feeling Holly doeshn't like them," said Lister while nodding his head.

"Er... Um... I think you should... Maybe... Get some rest? if that's okay by you... i don't want to impose..." suggested Fluttershy from a corner, in refrence to Lister. Seeing his current state, she thought a good nap might do him good.

"Gah! When'd you get there? Well, yer right tho... I should be gettin' ta bed. I have a little bit of a buzh goin' here," he agreed and headed for the door.

"A little bit of a buzz? You're more lit up than a Roger Fox barbeque!" compared Rimmer, agrivated.

"I... Er, sorry..." stuttered Flutterhy.

"Not yer fault, pony. Rimmer'sh jusht a shmeg-head," he wavered. Rimmer rolled his eyes.

"i coo eve re very i," said Holly.

"IQ ever very I?" asked Pinkie, confused.

"I'm munctionin, or i you mi tt?"

"I'm munchkin in or I you me tut? This hurts my head..." Pinkie began to walk in circles and a myserious dotted line trailed from her head.

"O coure it i. Now cn we et me ixe?"

"Oh core it eh? Now kin we it mix? I need to lay down!" she said and walked out the door, leaving only Twilight, Rimmer, Rainbow and Fluttershy to deal with this mess.

Ponyville

"Befire yiu head fir bed, ma'am, twi pieces if news. Yiur friend sent yiu a scrill, and yiu'll be able ti walk ariund the histpital by timirriw. Giid night!" informed a nurse and handed Rarity a scroll.

"Thank you," she said, nervously.

"Yiu're welcime," responded the nurse on her way out the door. "See yiu in the mirning. It's my shift!"

This made Rarity sigh sadly. That nurse bothered Rarity. She was too happy all the time, and not in a good-fun way, like Pinkie Pie, but in a freaky way, and she said all her "o"s as "i"s. She would hate to hear her say that o toungtwister. How'd it go? "Overly orginised ostriches ordered opera". The thought of iverly irginised istriches irdering ipera made her cringe. Or the nurse telling her to take a shot at it. Rarity almost giggled at the thought. Rarity would watch the scroll later, but right now...

Red Dwarf

"...I'm really tired. Are we almost done?" groaned Spike. Him and Twilight had been helping Kryten repair Holly. Twilight ignored him.

"Try now, Holly," instructed Kryten.

"m I oo?" asked Holly.

"Unless she tried to say Maya, I don't think it worked," said Spike.

"I on't tin you're epin," said Holly and glared at Spike.

"I owned teen your eh pen. Not fixed," he confirmed.

"If that's all you're going to be good for, then please, you may go to bed," groaned Twilight.

"I'll sit here," decided Spike as he squinted his eyes and plopped down.

Ponyville

Rarity wasn't allowed to sleep, you can't with a concussion. She got bored after an hour, and watched the scroll. She had discovered that if she watched it under the covers, the noise was muffled enough it didn't bother other rooms.

It's me, Twilight. I'm sending you this message because I have a break. The ship has... A Person inside it. Oh, um, the race we've encountered is the People race, the singular being Person. Strange, know, well, this Person kind of runs the ship. She has developed a problem, named a Mal-Funk-Shun, that has caused her to speak in gibberish. Something about 'home keys' and 'middle row'. I'll understand soon, or as I'm told. Well, we're still working on it. Talk to you soon?

This gave Rarity an idea...

Morning

"Giid mirning, Ms. Rarity. Hiw are yiu feeling?" asked Nurse I. That's what Rarity had settled on naming her. Nurse I.

"Feeling fine. But I had a question or two..."

"Hiw may I help yiu?" asked Nurse I. Speak like a normal pony, for Faust's sake! thought Rarity to herself.

"Um... Well, first, how do you recieve Twilight's letters?"

"Is Twilight the name if yiur friend? Well, a very talented unicirn wiuld recieve it here, and I deliver it ti yiu! Neat, am I right?"-----------------------------------------------------

Red Dwarf

"Twilight..." inturrupted Spike.

"Not now, Spike! So, anyway, what did you find, Shining?"

"Well, it would seem, we just need to take this doohickey here and replace it," he pointed to a keyboard on the inside of Holly's main computer system.

"Doohickey?" giggled Cadence

"You know what I mean," Shining giggled along. They rubbed muzzles and Twilight looked away. Seeing her foalsitter and big brother being so lovey-dovey made her uncomfortable.

"Twilight..." moaned Spike

"What?" she asked, a bit concerned.

"I have a letter coming on..."

"That's impossib--,"

A loud BUUUUUUURRRP ripped the air. A letter fell into Spike's hands.

"ble? Read it, Spike,"

"Aherm.

Darling Twilight,

It's Rarity! I know you must miss me, so I figured out a way for us to comunicate two-sidedly. On second thought, I'm not sure that's a word.

Well, I've been preoccupied with an annoying nurse. I don't know her name, but I call her Nurse I, in myhead, of course. Do you know why?

She never says the letter O. It's an I in it's place. For example: Giid mirning Miss Rarity, may I get yiu simething? And she's giddy and over-the-top happy. Not in a fun way like Pinkie Pie, in the annoying way. Good luck with Holly!

Yours Truly,

Rarity,"

"We, e cre!" said Holly, exasperated

"Weh, eek er?"

"t et e' nice!"

"Tee-tee nice. Well, you make less and less sense by the minute,"

"Be nice, Spike," said everyone in unison. (Except for Holly, who said "Be nice, pie.")

End Chapter 4

AUTHORS NOTE READ

Two chapters today and this is when the shit hits the fan. Get ready.

Sorry for the short chapter, but it's all I could finish.

Enjoy partial fanbase of miscelanious return readers!

EPIC DROP TIME IN CELEBRATION:

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Chapter 4: If Looks Could Kill

If Looks Could Kill

Ponyville

Nurse I walked into Rarity's room, sporting her usual red cross hat and apron.

"Helli Miss Rarity. Yiur friends say they've ran inti triuble with a thing called a cimputer," she greeted.

"A computer. I know," Rarity nodded.

"Simething abiut Hilly and a "prigraming errir" and ships. Um, here's the letter." Nurse I looked unsure, but pulled a note from her pocket and read aloud. "Ahem. 'Hilly has develiped a prigraming errir because of the Pluti mining ship 'Wiidward Warhawk'. Pluti is a planet iut here. We need yiu to send us sime suits that will nit let any air in. Yiu can't breathe withiut a suit like that, and they din't nessicarily have ine in piny size,"

"Thank you."

"What dies it mean?"

"It means I need a sewing machine and lots of material. Can you get me that?"

"I din't kniw..."

"Fine. I don't have a concussion anymore, I'll be on my way."

"Yiu can't just 'be in yiur way', yiu've bills ti pay!"

"Exactly. I can't even pay my current balance! So, I'll be on my way," Rarity made this fact final and was clear of it. She let the young mare walk off, but chased her down, for one reason.

"Where di yiu live?" she asked.

"213 Series Terrace..." answered Rarity, hesitantly, for unawareness of what Nurse I would do...

"I'll firward all yiur friend's letters ti yiu. Persinally," she said, not going to be stopped.

"Why thank you ever so much, darling! May I ask why?" Rarity asked, flattered.

"What ir friends fir?" she smiled. Rarity was not about to protest. In the eight days she'd known Nurse I, Rarity discovered she really liked her, if... you got around the whole o-i thing.

"Exactly that! Say... I run a fashion store, you know. I could make you a dress in return!"

"Ih! That wiuld be lively! It's si hard to find a dress with Pegasus wings these days..." she flared her wings, which Rarity had never noticed before. "Thank yiu."

As they walked apart from each-other, Rarity thought of something. This was the first let

ter in seven days! Had something gone wrong? Rarity hoped not.

Red Dwarf

"You send that letter, Twily?" asked Shining Armor. Twilight nodded. "Then please help me, if you would."

"Certainly, what can I do for you?" Twilight was covered head-to-hoof with grease, electric tape, and oil.

"Take a shower. You stink," demanded Shining, playfully. Twilight giggled and headed for the showers, equipped within each room.

She just hoped Rainbow hadn't already taken one. She always found a ball of rainbow in the drain. Ew. She would hate to live with Rainbow. Also because her book collection consisted of Daring Do and the books by Soarin' and Spitfire. All good reads, but so few reads at that.

Lister was down the hallway, trying to find Holly's internal speech pattern keypad. All the circuit board doors were open, scattered around in miscellaneous piles.

"Would this be it?" asked Lister.

"Tt in't it," replied Holly. Lister had learned that "ta-tint-it" meant "that isn't it".

"Is... This it?"

"Tt in't it."

"This?"

"Tt in't it."

"How about this one?"

"Tt in't it!"

"Thi..."

"eintey not it,"

"I give up!"

"oo. Te inin rmor pony i oin muc better tn you."

"If he's doing better than me, then why even keep me here?"

"Becue I tout it wou o ter!"

"Well, when you saw it wasn't going faster, why didn't you stop me?"

"We, you never e!"

"Weh you never eh. That's 'Well, you never asked', isn't it?"

"We, ye."

Lister had also figured out that "wehyeh" meant "Well, yes". Lister started back down the hall.

"This one?"

"Tt in't it."

"How about this?"

"Tt in't it."

"This?" he pulled a wire.

" 8 5&8'( 697 $97'# 85 !)) 48%&5 /75 697 =&!'%3# 5&3 @3558'%@ !%!8' " Holly made noises. Pinkie was walking down the hall at this moment.

"I think you found it, all right, but you changed the settings again!" said Pinkie.

" 8 *7@5 @!8# 5&!5 "

"Quiet, Holly," demanded Rimmer as he walked up from behind.

" $8'3 " she responded and fluttered off-screen.

"What are we to do?"

"Fine. Holly, if you can make any sense, you may speak," decided Rimmer. Twilight walked up from behind, horn ablaze with magic.

"...okay, this is Rimmer and Lister. I kind of like Rimmer's initiative, but he can be a bit of a mulelick sometimes. Are you three fixing Holly?" she rambled. Pinkie Pie jumped up.

"Ooh! Ooh! Lemme catch ya up ta speed! Holly was talking weird, like this, 'I'm tin weir ie oy w!', but then Lister touched something and now she sounds like this: ' 8 !" 5!)(8'% )8(3 &9))6@ 2834# +98=3 5&!5 8@ =7443'5 ', so we gotta fix her!"

"As random as that sounded, it was accurate. Who... Are you talking to?" asked Lister.

"My friend Rarity. She had a major ac..."

"We heard, she got a concussion, move on," moaned Rimmer.

"See what I mean by the mulelick thing? I don't even like to use that adjective! Anyway, guys, I use my magic to record what's around me and send it to her, for she couldn't come!"

"Interesting," sneered Rimmer. The following flashed on screen:

A:!

B:/

C:=

D:#

E:3

F:$

G:%

H:&

I:8

J:*

K:(

L:)

M:"

N:'

O:9

P:0

Q:1

R:4

S:@

T:5

U:7

V:+

W:2

X:-

Y:6

Z:_

" #9 697 7'#34@5!'# '92 "

"Yes," Twilight responded. "She asked if we understood now."

"I sure don't!" demanded Pinkie.

" 599 /!# "

"She says too bad," Pinkie wandered off.

" 9(!6 903' 5&3 =84=75 /9!4# !'# $8'# 5&3 '!+6 /)73 !'# 5741798@3 2843@ "

"Yes..." Twilight used her magic to remove the control panel cover completely and pull out a gray-dark-blue wire and a sea green one.

" 5!(3 5&3 2&85 3'# 9$ 5&3 5741798@3 9'3 !'# @285=& 85 @9=(35@ 285& 5&3 '!+6 /)73 2&853 @9=(35 "

"Got it," she switched some wires.

" 697 !43 #98'% %99# "

"Thanks."

" '92 *8%%)3 5&3 =84=75 /9!4# !'# 043@@ 5&3 /)73 %433' !'# "!499' /7559'@ "

Twilight shook the inside and pressed some buttons.

"And you are done," said Holly in a normal voice.

"See?" Twilight said to nobody in particular.

"Weird," mumbled Lister and walked in the opposite direction. Twilight's horn stopped glowing and a ball of pink swirled into the air.

"Spiiiiiike!" she called. The small purple scaled dragon rushed up and slapped it with a parchment and set it to fire. A portal opened just long enough for it to teleport.

"What do we do now?" asked Spike. With Shining Armor on the job fixing up the ship's problems a bit, Twilight and some of the others felt useless. She went to the chambers where Applejack was sleeping. She could use some waking.

"Uhh.... Did anypony catch tha number of that Wondehbolt?" she mumbled and rubbed her head.

"You intook a lot of a substance known as brandy. Apparently it made you... Not you," explained Twilight.

"Aah! Ah didn't really drink that, did Ah? Did Ah?"

"You did."

"Aww, crap-apples. What did Ah do ta Pinkie an' th' others?"

"Nothing much."

"Tha's all y'all c'n give me?"

"All I have to give!"

Spike burped up a letter.

"Read it, Spahk?" asked Applejack.

"Aherm.

Dearest Twilight,

I made my way out of the hospital. Time does all but fly, and the doctors mostly clueless. The misinformation given led me to believe I had been there ten days, when I had only been there five! It's day six, tomorrow marks a week!

Well, remember Nurse I? Turns out, she's not bad at all! If you get around the whole o-i thing, as I have over the last days, and we've become great friends, she's a nice mare. I'm going to see about sending my own letters. Without making another unicorn do it. What's the spell, if you don't mind me asking?

Sincerely,

Rarity"

Ponyville

"Probably send that later," decided Rarity and closed the scroll. "Do you like it?"

The dress was brownish-gray with light green lining, and with a dark red color to match her mane. She liked it very much.

"I di. Wait until my filks hear abiut this!" she said excitedly. "I haven't spiken ti them in ages!"

"Ages? Why?" asked Rarity.

"Well, I was always kind if a sicial iutcast, black sheep thing, yiu kniw? Mainly because if my speech impediment. Nipiny in my family really paid attention ti me, si I git inti a lit if triuble. I nearly git kicked iut if schiil. Ine time, I tried ti get attentiin by giing up ti a cilt I liked, and tried ti hit in him. He tiatally ignired me, si I punched him in the face. Seems rash, liiking back..."

"Wait... You're Ivory Wisp?"

"The ine and inly."

"The in and inlee. That faithful catchphrase. I thought you looked familiar! And nopony else is as talented in writing than you. I should have guessed when you flared your wings! The missing feather! How could I have missed? One of the only three Pegasi in my high and middle school. Aren't many Pegasi in Canterlot at all!"

"I din't remember yiu. Did we ever meet?"

"We didn't have to! You were a legend! You stood up to that as..."

A bell dinged as somepony walked in the store. "Just grabbing a bag I left!"

"..ole, Park Wheel, was it, after all the mares he used. You went down in Fourth District Canterlot High history! Not to mention J. Autumn Middle School. And you were anonymously voted prettiest filly afterwards. I don't know how you're so modest!"

"Well, yiu kniw what they say. If liiks ciuld kill, I'd be a murderer."

Red Dwarf

"If looks could kill, I'd be a murderer! Oooooowwwwww!" shrieked Cat from down the hall. "Fresh suit, fresh clothes, what an iron can't do, I'd like to know!

"It can't cook eggs," said Pinkie. "Or water a garden. I've tried both."

"Alright, new letter from Rarer Tea," announced Rimmer. "Spook barfed it up in his sleep."

"Rarity, Spike," corrected Twilight. "Now, what's it say?"

"Aherm.

Darling Twilight... Jeez, that's cornier than a can of Del Monte.

I had Nurse I over recently, and, as it turns out, it's actually Ivory Wisp! You went to FDCHS, didn't you? You have to know her. You would have been a softmore, me a senior.

Anyway, I studied your spell and got it down, as you can see. I was wondering... If you could send me the spell to enter that dimension. I... Get lonely with.. Out... You? Forget Del Monte, this woman is sappier than a 2 liter bottle of Log Cabin.

Anyway, she sends her best regards and looks forward to meeting the cat. She didn't capitalize that.

That's it," read Rimmer.

"Hmm... I'll get on that..." decided Twilight.

???

"hAvE yOu DiStRaCtEd ThE fOoLs AbOaRd ThE sHiP oF rEd?"

"Y .e .s,"

"gOoD. tHe SpY wIlL Be PlAnTeD, cOrReCt?"

"Y .e .s.... I .n_ .f .a .c .t_,,,, .s .h .e_ .i .s_ .h .e .r .e!!!!"

"The plan is giing accirdingly and perfectly..."

End Chapter 4

(Short But Important) Chapter 5: Life In The Dark

LIFE IN THE DARK

Ponyville

Rarity was completing her daily menial tasks, when an unexpected knock on the door derailed her train of thought.

"Miss?" Ivory Wisp's voice came from behind the door. Rarity brightened up and opened the door.

"Ivory! You look wonderful! How are you?" greeted Rarity with a giant smile. "Come in!"

Ivory's visits were all Rarity could look forward to. That and...

"A new letter, miss. It's... Abiut that spell. She's sent it ti yiu. Are yiu sure you want ti gi thriugh with this?" she asked slowly, making sure her friend was ready, as she walked inside. Rarity nodded. Ivory shot her a glance.

"I want to visit my friends. And I want you to come with me," Rarity said firmly.

"Gi with yiu? Are yiu..."

"Yes, I'm sure!"

"Ikay, here's hiw it's suppised ti be dine..."

Red Dwarf

"So what's a 'TISViG' again?"

"It's an unreleased Total Immersion game. TISViG stands for Total Immersion Simulation Video Game," explained Kryten. Pinkie made a face.

"Jeez Louise! That took five minutes, author! This phone you type your chapters on is frustrating. Why did they put the square brackets in a section so inaccessable?" asked Pinkie.

Jeez Louise is right. Friggin' Samsung... If I could afford a smartphone!

"If you didn't have email on your phone, ya'd be screwed!"

Talk about it! But please leave the fourth wall alone! It's as unstable as it is with Deadpool, you, and Plastic Man breaking it.

That asshole Plastic Man? He only did it in the olden days.

Gaah! Wade! Get out of my fic! You're needed in Awesomedude17's fics! Those are too good to miss out on!

Are you getting paid to say that?

No. I don't have a really big fanbase, either. Just Daniel, BronyArmedCorps, and monster cai. You could technically count Psaro, but he's only been here for this fic!

Now you're just putting this in for space. Let's get back, Wade!

Cuuullltuuurrreed diiiicc--

"SHUT UP!" yelled Pinkie.

Jeez.

Just a little goodbye kiss?

"No way, touchy!"

"What was that all about?" asked Lister.

"Just being Pinkie Pie," sighed Twilight. "So... What's a video game?"

"It's... Well... Lemme show you," stuttered Lister. She hooked her up to the machine, then himself and Pinkie. The world went black for a moment, then a world of lush green surrounded them.

"What in the wide, wide world of Equestria...?" mumbled Twilight in pure awe.

"It's... Been... Rebuilt! The rock farm!" shrieked Pinkie Pie. "The one I grew up in!"

"You farmed rocks? Isn't that kind of... Pointless? Rocks don't grow..." said Lister.

"It's more of mining. Rocks are an important Los Pegasus industry, you know!" Pinkie explained and pointed her hoof at him.

"Mining... I think we got a game about that!" thought Lister.

"Really?" asked Pinkie Pie, face overflowing with excitement.

"Like this, but square-er-er," remembered Twilight. The room suddenly shifted to a library. The Canterlot Archives.

"What the..." mumbled Lister, more out of frustration.

"The Canterlot Archives! The place where I took the test to be attend Princess Celestia's School for Giftet Unicorns!" Twilight squealed and made a dog toy noise, a sort of "squee".

"It's..." began Lister, but the room shifted. It now showed a pool hall. A still picture of frozen-in-place man pulling a box from underneath a pool hall table is now show. The side of the box reads "ourobouros". A baby lay inside. This is Lister.

"It takes us back to our most important moments!" they all realized in syncronation.

"But in still frame," continued Lister.

"I wonder why," said Pinkie. The screen went black. The trio became paralyzed. A face appeared on screen. It was made of green mesh.

"hElLo, My DeAr FrIeNdS. i TrUsT yOu WiLl SlEeP wElL. LeT's JuSt HoPe NoThInG hApPeNs In ThAt TiMe? HeHeHeHeHeHeEeEeEe!" it said. "Oh, AnD dOn'T yOu WoRrY yOuR pReTtY LiTtLe HeAd AbOuT rArItY! sHe WiLl Be DeAlT wItH."

Ponyville

A knock came at Ivory Wisp's bedroom door. Lazily, she turned on a light.

"Whuizzet?" she mumbled.

"He..."

" .llo"

"Are..."

" .you"

"Mrs. Wisp? If..."

" .so"

"We..."

" .would like you to"

"Step.."

" .outside for a moment"

"Yiu're scaring me..." she said.

"Just step..."

" .outside"

"Yiu make it obviiuse there's twi if yiu."

"There's a..."

" .reason"

"Just act as I say!"

"Yiu siund like me," Ivory headed for the door. When she opened it, it revealed a creature that seemed to be made out of a pure, viscous, black, oozy liquid, next to a pony that was missing an eye and grotesquely bleeding out the other, and pieces of robot skind screwed in around her body. Her otherwise gray fur was blood-stained. Her hair was as red as fresh blood. Just like Ivory's.

"I shiuld siund familliar!" the robot-one eyed Ivory said with a grin. The liquid lunged at her.

" .Say .goodnight" it said. As the world went black, Ivory could hear maniacal laughter in the back of her mind. She was going insane, knowing that the cyclops robot zombie thing producing it... was somehow her.

Chapter 6: Brimstone and Pain

BRIMSTONE AND PAIN

Red Dw a r f

Ivory Wisp woke up in a strange room. It was large and gray, with blue writings. They read things such as: Saila's Walls, Metal Edition.

Three year warranty. This is not guaranteed to do anything.

This wall sponsored by deadmau5.

Hey Saila, this is Joe speaking. We all know the author's cute trick of making your name "Alias" backwards.

Now it's Bob. And his clever idea to hide it in the walls!

"What in the wide, wide wirld if Equestria dies any if that mean?" she mumbled to herself and rubbed the spot on the back of her head that hurt. A memory of the laughter of a maniac and blackened and oozy eyesight returned to her.

"If the... things... that attacked me are iut there, at least tell me what's giing in!" she yelled. A man's voice responded.

"Eh! Who’s there?" it called. Ivory sighed with relief.

"Ih thank Celestia! My name is Iviry Wisp, and I'm trapped in here!" Ivory called back

"Every Wisp? What the smeg kind of name is that?" it asked, confused. "Hold on. I'll get you out. My name is Arnold J. Rimmer."

"Arnild Jay Rimmer? Yiurs is ni better," Ivory teased. "Is the Jay a letter?"

"Yes. Do you say all your I's as O's?" he asked, annoyed. The door open a man clad in a blue quilted jacket and blue slacks. The letter H was displayed on his forehead.

"Yes. What's the H stand for?" she asked. He moaned.

"Hologram. I am computer generated. Can't touch anything," he continued to explain. In front of him stood a very light gray pony with strawberry red mane and tail, kind of tall and spindly. She was wearing a baseball cap advertising the medical red cross, and a picture of a typewriter was shown on her flank. "Just what we need, more ponies."

"If yiu can't tiuch anything, then hiw'd yiu..."

"Don't ask..."

(I threw that in to make fun of Red Dwarf's continual storyline/continuum flaws.)

"Si there are ithers? Is this Red Dwarf?" asked Ivory, suddenly excited.

"Yes. Are you 'Rarity' and I interpreted you wrong?" Rimmer asked. Ivory shook her head.

"A friend if hers," she explained. "But she's in majir triuble!"

"Majur trihooble is major trouble, right?" Rimmer insured. Ivory rolled her eyes.

"Yes..."

"So... HEY! LISTER! Grab Twilight and the others!"

Unnamed Bri m s t one Cavern

"jUsT dOn'T lIgHt AnY fIrEs..."

" .C .a .r .e .f .u .l,,,,, .b .o .s .s..... .Y .o .u .a .l .m .o .s .t .m .a .d .e .a .j .o .k .e!!!!!"

"Oh, Ha-Ha. JuSt HeLp Me OuT hErE a BiT."

" .W .h .a .t .c .a .n .I .d .o .f .o .r .y .o .u?????"

"i CaN't SeEm To GeT tHiS tHiNg To WoRk. AcCoRdInG tO tHe InStRuCtIoN bOoKlET sAyS tO pUt PaRt A wItH pArT b, BuT iT dOeSn'T fIt ThErE, aNd PiEcE c FiTs WiTh B, aNd PiEcE d Is MiSsInG! fRiGgIn' 'AsSeMbLe YoUrSeLf' KiTs..."

" .C .a .l .m .y .o .u .r .s .e .l .f,,,,, .b .o .s .s..... .I .s .t .h .e .r .e .a .o .n .e .e .i .g .h .t .h .u .n .d .r .e .d .n .u .m .b .e .r?????"

"YeAh. I cAlLeD iT aNd ThE lAdY wAs MeAn!"

" .W .h .a .t .w .a .s .t .h .e .n .u .m .b .e .r?????"

"hErE. rEaD iT yOuRsElF!"

" .T .h .a .t .' .s .M .e .d .i .c .a .r .e .' .s .n .u .m .b .e .r..............."

"gAh! GoDdAmN pAmPhLeTs!"

" .Y .o .u .' .r .e .h .o .l .d .i .n .g .a .b .o .o .k .l .e .t .o .n .c .o .m .p .e .t .i .t .i .v .e .b .i .d .d .i .n.g .a .r .e .a .s..... .O .n .t .h .e .b .r .i .g .h .t .s .i .d .e,,,,, .i .t .w .o .u .l .d .s .e .e .m .w .e .' .r .e .i .n .o .n .e!!!!!"

"I aM nOt In NeEd Of DiABeDiC sUpPlIeS! jUsT hElP mE aSsEmBlE tHe DeViCe!"

"What dies it di?"

"WeLl, It WiLl AcCuMuLaTe ThE eLeMeNtS oF hArMoNy InTo OnE fOrCe, LaRgE eNoUgH tO pOwEr OuR eNgInEs."

"Why di we bither with the fiils in the Jupiter mining ship?"

"ThEy PoSe A tHrEaT tO tHe MiSsIoN. nOt OnLy Do ThEy OwN bAzOoKoIdS, tHeY hAvE iN tHeIr PrOtEcTiOn FiVe Of ThE sIx ElEmEnT wIeLdErS aNd TwO pOnY bLuE bLoOdS."

" .B .a .z .o .o .k .o .i .d?????"

"a SpAcE wEaPoN, mUcH lIkE a BaZoOkA, bUt WiTh SmAlLeR, lEsS eXpLoSiVe, AnD hEaT sEeKiNg PrOjEcTiLe AmMuNiTiOn, AnD eAsIeR tO cArRy."

"What is it with humans and viilence?"

" .J .u .s .t .i .n .t .h .e .i .r .n .a .t .u .r .e....."

--------- --------- -----____-----------=====------------- -----------___=_=_(-)(-)-----------

<---frawD deR <---

"ALL HANDS ON DECK!" shouted Holly.

"We're already on deck!" screamed Cat back. "Why are you screaming all like that?"

"It's my red alert voice" she explained. Ivory rolled her eyes.

"Well, stip using it! We're right here!" she stomped her hoof. "What can we di abiut Twilight, Pinkie, and Lister?"

Shining began to pace and mumble to himself. Cadence shook her head, unable to retrieve him from his void of guilt. He was finding ways to blame himself.

"I think the bigger problem here is what those things are doing, will do, or have possibly done to Rarity. We need to access her," suggested Cadence. Ivory clapped her hooves.

"I've git it! Yiu ir Prince Shining Armir can use Twilight's spell ti prive ti Miss Rarity that I'm here! She win't believe the ither and head iver! She kniws the spell!" Ivory began to monolouge. "Then we can use her ti help us get her friends iut! Did yiu get all that? We have a plan!"

"Why are you so good at this?" asked Rainbow Dash in over exaggerated mock awe. She really was impressed with the plan and corresponding tactics, she knew all about war tactics of all the best wars. She wasn't about to tell her friends, AJ'd call her an egghead for sure.

"I'm a writer," boasted Ivory, ignoring Dash's sarcasm. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Riiiiight..." she said.

"Ikay. Si, Princess Cadenza Mi Amire?" asked Ivory. Cadence laughed nervously.

"Please, sweetie, call me Cadence. Yes?" urged Cadence. She wasn't comfortable with formality.

"Di yiu ir Mr. Armir kniw the spell?"

"Why, yes! We both do. May I?"

"Go ahead..."

Cadence's horn lit up and she began to look worried.

"It's running..."

"Is there simething wring?"

"No... It's just... Go on..."

"Ikay. Rarity? If yiu receive this message, giid. Ni, nit giid, actually. Ikay, yiu may not believe me, and that wiuld really hurt my feelings. This... This thing attacked me and tiik my place... I think it's insane! Yiu have ti cime ti Red Dwarf. Now!!" Ivory warned and stomped her hoof

l A cloud of pink erupted from Cadence’s horn and Spike caught it on a piece of paper. He set it to flame as it crossed between dimensions. Cadence slowly shook her head, fully aware of the consequences.

(--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------)

Unnamed Br)im)st)on)e) Caverns

"LoAd ThE pErSoNaL sEtTiNgS, aLrEaDy!"

" .Y .e .l .l .i .n .g .a .t .o .u .r .c .o .m .p .u .t .e .r,,,,, .a .r .e .w .e?????"

"No, I'm YeLlInG aT mY cOmPuTeR! yOu HaD nOtHiNg To Do WiTh It!"

" .G .l .a .d .t .o .h .e .a .r..... .S .o,,,,, .w .h .a .t .' .s .o .n .t .h .e .a .g .e .n .d .a?"

"Well, basically, I finish iff Iperatiin "Riasted Marshmalliw", yiu guys piwer yiur engines, we di whatever it takes ti nit create a paradix, and I get paid."

" .L .e .t .' .s .n .o .t .c .r .e .a .t .e .a .p .a .i .r .o .f .d .i .c .k .s,,,,, .y .o .u .' .r .e .r .i .g .h .t .o .n .t .h .a .t!!!!!"

"YoU kNoW sHe MeAnS pArAdOx!"

" .E .x .a .c .t .l .y!!!!! .W .h .a .t .d .o .e .s .t .h .a .t .h .a .v .e .t .o .w .i .t .h .a .n .y .t .h .i .n .g?????"

"YoU sErIoUsLy DiDn'T gEt HeR bAcKgRoUnD?"

"............... .w .a .s .I .s .u .p .p .o .s .e .d .t .o?????"

"yOu IdIoT, yEs!"

"I'll tell yiu later. It's almist sunup in Pinyville."

" .Y .o .u .' .r .e .o .n,,,,, .s .u .n .s .h .i .n .e....."

"ThE fAtE oF tHe MiSsIoN iS iN yOuR hAnDs!"

" .E .r,,,,, .h .o .o .v .e .s?????"

End Chapter 6

Chapter 7: Operation Roasted Marshmallow, Part 1: My Name Is Iviry

Ponyville**

A knock on the door made Rarity stir. She wasn't feeling well that particular morning. She used her magic to move the covers off herself as she smacked the taste of morning out of her mouth. She put in her morning curlers and skipped the mud masque. She pulled on a robe with her magic and answered the door. It was her parents.

She was ready to give them quite the earful. Also, make sure this never happened again. But the sight of Sweetie Belle and Opal safe and sound made her leave it at half an earful.

"Gee, we're sorry. We just figured..." said Rarity's dad sadly. She magic-ed a cup of tea over.

"It's fine, it's the thought that counts, but... I guess with my worry for Opal and being left here made me kinda nervous. I made a new friend and practiced new spells, I just... Changed, I guess, and you two whisking the two things I care about most to Canterlot did not help," Rarity explained.

"Well, we're here now!" exclaimed Sweetie. Another knock on the door made everypony turn. A voice came from the other side.

"Helli? Rarity? Is this a bad time?" Ivory Wisp asked. Rarity flung open the door.

"Impeccable timing, my dear! This is my family, Ivory! My little sister Sweetie Belle, my parents, and my cat Opalescence. Or Opal for short. Guys, this is Ivory Wisp. What with my friends gone, she's kept me company," Rarity greeted the two together.

"Ih, Sweetie Belle, what a pleasure. I've heard si much abiut yiu! Well, mire hiw Miss Rarity's 'effing parents taking yiu ti that effing effhile Canterlit', but that's my Rarity!" joked Ivory. Rarity's parents stared at thier daughter in shock. Rarity made a cutting motion across her neck. "Well, um, I'm famished, and I was windering if yiu'd cime with me ti Sugarcube Cirner, but if this is a bad time..." Ivory back towards the door.

"No, no, not at all, we could..." began Rarity, but only to be cut off by her younger sister.

"I could cook!" Sweetie jumped in front of Rarity. Rarity shook her head vigorously, but Ivory said it would be a good idea.

" .J .u .s .t .a .s .p .l .a .n .n .e .d....."

"InDeEd It Is, My FiNe FeLlOw!"

" .N .o .w .w .e .j .u -zctchssssssh- .t .h .e .p .l .a .n .d-zctchchcwfffffwwawwfftch- .a-gfftc- .l .i .k .e .I .v .o .r .y .t .w .o .p .o .i .n .t .o .h .s .a .i .d .i .t .m .i .g .h .t!!!!!"

"WhAt? YoU'rE fAdInG iN aNd OuT!"

" .J .u .s .t .f-sfffffffffffcsss- .i .n .g .f .o .r .g .e .t .i .t!!!!!"

"She makes toast into liquid, Ivory, liquid!" warned Rarity.

"Ti be hinest, Miss Rarity, I just want ti see it. We can gi ti Sugarcube Cirner later!" assured Ivory. Rarity grew weary as smoke filled the air. Sweetie could be heard screaming.

Upon entering the kitchen, Sweetie rushed past them, half her mane burned off and tail ablaze. She put it out by slamming it along the walls, catching them on fire. A letter flew out of nowhere and bonked Rarity in the face.

Knowing the contents it withheld, Ivory caught everypony's attention.

"Iperatiin Riasted Marshmalliw is a gi," she said in a soothing sing song voice. "It's time yiu kniw that the Iviry yiu hild dear is ling since diimed."

"Dimmed?" asked Rarity's father, confused.

" .S .h .e .m .e .a .n .s .d .o .o .m .e .d,,,,," said another voice. The skin on Ivory began to turn black and melt off. Another entity made of a black, slow moving liquid in which held reflective silver spheres formed of what was Ivory, leaving a much skinnier Ivory with a bloodstained coat in it's place. A hole where her left eye used to be stretched back at a diagonal angle to the right flank of her head, growing smaller as it went thru, as a funnel would. Her body was spotted with metal plates of assorted sizes screwed into her. She smiled to reveal crooked yellow and black teeth.

The viscous form spoke. It's voice was choppy and each letter was pronounced as a separate syllable with a microscopic pause between each, devoid of recognition of a gender.

" .Y .o .u .m .a .y .r .e .c .o .g .n .i .s .e .m .e,,,,, .R .a .r .i .t .y..... .O .r .s .h .o .u .l .d .I .s .a .y,,,,, .R .a .r .e .s?????" it said, almost condescendingly. Rarity wasn't ready to admit it, but she recognized the pet name right away.

"P-Pinkie Pie?" Rarity shuddered. The shape laughed, scaring Rarity so much she began to shake.

" .Y .o .u .g .o .t .t .h .a .t .w .r .o .n .g..... .I .j .u .s .t .s .a .i .d .t .h .a .t .t .o .m .e .s .s .w .i .t .h .y .o .u..... .I .a .m .t .h .e .r .u .l .e .r .o .f .c .h .a .o .s,,,,," it regained its gurgling laugh.

"Discord! What have you done with Ivory?" screamed Rarity. The black liquid took the form of the chaos lord known as Discord and shook its head. The spherical pieces of metal took place as his eyes and joints.

"Ih, I'm giing ti be quite dead in a bit. But, I make it! I wiuldn't be standing here if I didn't!" the Ivory zombie said and looked herself up and down. Discord rolled his eyes.

“ .I .s .t .h .a .t .y .o .u .r .b .i .g .s .e .c .r .e .t,,,,, .b .e .i .n .g .f .r .o .m .t .h .e .f .u .t .u .r .e?????" asked Discord. Ivory raised an eyebrow.

"Why, yiu catch in quicker and quicker, din't yiu, dear biy?" she asked and threw her head back in a bloodcurdling laugh to rival an insane mares.

"You're forgetting one thing!" exclaimed Rarity. Discord leaned against an invisible table and tapped his fingers on it.

" .A .n .d .w .h .a .t,,,,, .p .r .a .y .t .e .l .l,,,,, .i .s .t .h .a .t?????" asked Discord, unimpressed.

"I know the spell to get to Red Dwarf!" she exclaimed and grabbed Sweetie Belle. She ran for the door and blasted it open with some magical spell. Her parents ran after, just to be chased by the two beings in the house. The Carousel Boutique fell apart as it was further engulfed in flames. Ivory slowed down to a walk and laughed maniacally as Rarity opened a portal and jumped thru.

The portal closed in Rarity's parents's face, chopping off a bit of Rarity's mother's hair. Discord expanded around the two and closed like a burlap sack. Ivory's insane voice could be heard, singing.

"Nighty, nighty, nighty night. Don't you worry, it's no fright. You'll be safe right here with me. Close your eyes, there's nothing to see. Sleep comes faster if you really try. But don't try too hard, you might just die."

RReedd DDwwaarrff

Rarity fell flat on her face in a cold, desolate room. A loud thump echoed thru the hallways surrounding. She heard a voice echo back.

"What was that? Damn scutters!" came a male voice.

"Grrrnn... Rarity? Where are we?" groaned Sweetie Belle. Rarity shushed her.

"No, I definitely just heard a voice, sir!" said another.

"Well, whatever it is, we should check it out..." said another voice. It had a tang of familiarity to it. Rarity winced.

"I-I... I'll be there in spirit!" said another weak, female voice. Fluttershy!

"Hello? Was that you, Fluttershy?" asked Rarity. The voices of her friends galloping to greet her made Rarity sigh with relief. Ivory's was in there somewhere, and it wasn't the insane one she'd heard back home. She was amongst allies at last.

Chapter 8: Operation Roasted Marshmallow, Part 2: Some News

- Unnamed Brimstone Caverns -

"wHaT tHe HeLl, IvOrY! yOu ToO, dIsCorD! rEvEaLiNg YoUr TrUe IdEnTiTiEs In FrOnT oF aLl ThOsE pEoPle?"

"Erm, pinies."

"PoNiEs, PeOpLe, tHe HeLl DiFfErEnCe ThAt MaKeS!"

" .W .e .l .l,,,,, .o .n .t .h .e .b .r .i .g .h .t .s .i .d .e,,,,, .w .e .h .a .v .e .p .r .i .s .o .n .e .r .s!!!!!"

"Mmmfmmmhmmrmm!"

"Why are they gagged and biund again?"

"sO tHeY dOn'T eScApE oR tAlK."

"Well, they can still make anniying niises."

"Mmmrhhghmm!"

"sHuT uP!"

REDDWARF

"More ponies?" groaned Rimmer. "Why more ponies?"

"Ivory! Oh thank Celestia, you're okay, Ivory!" cried Rarity and threw herself onto Ivory Wisp, weeping.

"Um... Nice ti see yiu, tii..." said Ivory.

"Oh, it was horrible!" Rarity went on. "Positively horrible! There was another you, but she was all messed up, and..."

"Did... Did she have a hile in the back of her head?" asked Ivory. Rarity nodded. "And metal plates?" More nodding. "And was accimpinied by sime black slime?" Another nod. "Ih, dear. It attacked me, tii."

"It was insane," added Sweetie Belle. Rarity got up. "It was singing like it and everything. And it has mom and dad!"

"It does, dear, calm down..." comforted Rarity, shaking. She hugged Sweetie Belle. Sweetie pushed her away.

"I'm perfectly calm. You're going bonkers yourself!"

"I thiught yiu hated yiur parents?" Ivory pointed out. Sweetie Belle sparked her horn in Rarity's face to grab her attention. Rarity shook her head to clear it, and sighed.

"I didn't mean any of that, Ivory, I was just annoyed by the experience. My parents can be pretty insolent sometimes, but that's not thier fault! I love them, just like any good daughter!" sighed Rarity. "And now they're gone. And it's all my fault!"

"Aww, it's not your fault, Rares!" assured Pinkie Pie. "You know, though, we do have an issue to be facing here. Twilight and Lister are stuck."

"How so?" asked Sweetie.

"Well... Come with me!"

Starbug

"This is called a Total Immersion Gaming System. Basically, you stick yerself right on in, and it makes you feel like you're somewhere. Aaand, it's stuck. As in, somethin' reeeal bad got in, and Twi and Listy are stuck in there. They were able to pry me out, thank Celestia, what would we do without me?, but those two need out. We need four unicorns, and since Cadey here is an alicorn-pegacorn thingy, she counts as two. So, you, Shiny, and Cadenzarenzabenza will be a-pryin' it open!" rambled Pinkie.

"Cadenza-renza-benza? Really?" said Rainbow. "Just..."

"She's gonna be Pinkie Pie, and she's gonna be Pinkie Pie," mumbled Spike.

"Whatever, can we get this thing open? All this tension is inturrupting my beauty sleep time!" complained Cat.

(_U-n-n-a-m-e-d_B-r-i-m-s-t-o-n-e_C-a-v-e-r-n-s_)

"tHeY aLmOsT hAvE tHe MaGiCiAn OuT! tHaT cAnNoT hApPeN! iNiTiAtE sTaGe TwO oF OpErAtIoN RoAsTeD mArShMaLlOw!"

"Doe...s it env...olve fly...FLYING monkey-ey-ey-ey-eyeyeyeyeyeyeyey-..-... flying monkeys?"

"What the hell is that thing?"

"Mmmmfff?"

"Quiet, yiu!"

"WeLl, BaSicAlLy, ThIs Is A cOmPuTeR vIrUs."

"But it's in yiur hands."

"PrEsIcElY!"

" .H .m .m..............."

"Why do-... does he skip on his punc-punctuation?"

"What dies he mean?"

"tOuCh HiM."

"What?!"

"tOuCh HiM!"

"I din't kniw.

"jUsT tOuCh HiM!"

"Fine, I... WHUUU... I can see everything! Everything I say is real! In my face! I REALLY DI JUST TALK WITH I'S! That is si strange. I can see my attributes! I din't di the ih-i thing when I sing?"

"wHeN yOu WeRe ReBuIlT, tHaT wEnT dOwN. tO bE hOnEsT... wAtCh ThIs!"

"Um, what are yiu... AAAAUGH!"

"SaY sOmEtHiNg!"

"Um... Something... Wait a second... I can say the letter o! You're a fu-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"-ing genius!"

"SoRrY, hE gOeS iNtO sCrEaMiNg FiTs."

"It's all good, he can scream all the screams he wants! I can talk! Isn't it great, Rarity's parents?"

"Mmmfh, fmmf hmml gmmhr fhr ymm, bmmh hmmt hmms gmm..."

"I don't even care what you're saying anymore! I'm free!"

Starbug

"Free indeed..." grumbled Rarity. "I know I've been training a lot lately, but I don't exactly think..."

"Negativity is the last thing to use! A positive attitude obtains positive results!" encouraged Pinkie.

"Woo-hoo..." tried Fluttershy.

"Alright... Alright..." grumbled Rarity.

"What do I do?"

|Canterlot|

Two unicorns ran in thru the throne room doors. One was a dark gray with tinted goggles and a timid gait, sporting a black mane and mechanically-themed saddlebags. The other was green with a gray mane, with a prideful swagger, visible even in the sprint he'd broken into. These were Jet Gray and Malachite.

"Miss Celestia! Miss Celestia!" cried Jet Gray.

"Terrible news, Princess!" followed Malachite.

"It's... It's... Project Brimstone," stuttered Jet. Celestia's face filled with shock.

"But how? He's... He's dead!" she marveled. She was half envious. If only it had been that easy for her. She hid a smirk, and began to shake her head in faux disgust.

"Well, he... it, is nearing Red Dwarf. Six of your royal subjects, your niece, and your nephew-in-law are on that expedition. We fear they may have already unleashed an EHSP on the ship, if not have one in possession," Malachite continued, wide-eyed.

"They were never supposed to enter this dimension! Or any, for that matter. We've contained the Sunflower dimension, the Six dimension, the Conundrum dimension, the Dashie dimension, the Factory dimension, the Doctor dimension... What am I forgetting?" rambled Jet.

"The Engineer dimension, the Corrupted dimension, the Restart dimension, and the Crossover dimensions," finished Malachite.

"Yeah, those few... Why not the Brimstone dimension? And those banished there? And what about this new Dwarf dimension?"

"Jet, Malachite, it's time I told you two something."

"What is that, your highness?"

"Goodbye."

A hole opened in the floor, sucking the two to oblivion. The last thing either heard was a laughter, neither the Princesses or any they'd heard before, a more gurgling should than a laugh, and an almost conceding voice deeming them as "Fools".

Earth: New York City

A man in red and black spandex stood in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, everyone going around him as they passed. He was standing alone, yet talking to himself. He wore a tourist hat and an unbuttoned Hawai'ian t-shirt. His name is Wade.

"Aaah... I'm so glad I decided to vacation in New York, New York!"

You said it, buddy!

"That I did. Why are we here again?"

The S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier suffered some major malfunctions, resulting in a crash. Few survivors.

In English?

Nick Fury ship go boom-boom, people die.

"Like that?"

Two figures fell from the sky, one gray, one green, and landed with a loud snap. Wade nodded.

Eeyup, like that.

Wade walked over to examine the bodies. They landed in an alley. He couldn't tell what they were, at first, but upon closer examination, he could tell they were not of this world.

"Well, first off, author, I know exactly what they are..."

Shut up, it adds to the suspense.

Yeah, I'm unfamiliar with the concept of what something really is, so suspenseful. No big deal.

Tell that to Westborough Baptist Church. And: really? Not of this world? Have we entered the far reaches of the world, stumbling upon, dramatic pause, the Twilight Zone, yet?

Shut up.

Chapter 9: Operation Roasted Marshmallow, Part 3: Under Normal Circumstances

[Starbug]

Cadence, Shining, and Rarity crouched in front of the Total Immersion gaming pod. A slight glow emitted from the pods in which held the two in its grasp.

"Three! Two! One! FIRE!" yelled Pinkie Pie. The three shot somewhat corresponding blasts of magic at each pod, creating a void of pink, light blue, and navy blue. It burst, releasing each and flinging them out of the containment pods. They were both still unconscious.

"You did it wrong," said Pinkie Pie, reading a book that was never previously there. "Says here you need to apply three swalzts of magic each, except Cadence, who has six, then Rarity would use a forle of magic, leaving Shining with a forle and a half, and Cadey with two forles and three swalzts, creating a level five Seigro vortex blast! Shining, you only used one forle, and Rarity, you only used two swalzts, leaving us with a level two Seigro-Tentei combination vortex blast!" read Pinkie and slammed the book shut, leaving a bunny ear in the page, to keep her place. Everyone stared at her blankly.

"What is a swul-set, what is a for-lay, what is a See-yay-grow, and what is a Tint-yay?" asked Cat after a while.

"A swalzt is a measurement of minor magic, a forle is a measurement of major magic. Seigro was an olde-magick, or whatever, practicer, griffon, and he invented the vortex blast power scale, so they named the blast after him. Tentei was a zebra that was able to create a portal and a vortex using herbs," explained Shining.

"The combined method, using the Seigro scale to measure Tentei portals and vortex, would be the Seigro-Tentie method," finished Cadence. "Pinkie, how do you know these things?"

"In the book," said Pinkie and waved the book in the air. Cadence grabbed it with magic, with Pinkie Pie still holding on. She flipped thru a few pages, and, sure enough, Pinkie had read it word for word. Cadence grew frustrated and thru it across the room, Pinkie, with a loud "Gyah!", along with it.

"Grrr! What did we do to them?" Sweetie Belle shouted, horn sparking with frustration.

"Well, you didn't do anything, kiddo," assured Rainbow.

"We just need to get them to the infirmary," insisted Kryten. "Holly may have vital information in her database."

"Helluva lot faster than a book!" said Cat and grabbed the book from the dazed Pinkie Pie in the corner of the room. The title "A Basic History of All Things Magic" flashed in bright purple traditional Equestrian writing before being placed into a tube for Holly's scanners to read as the nine returned to Red Dwarf, to report back to Rimmer and Applejack.

Ponyville

"I just don't believe it!" a warm-gray stallion with a mahogany mane, to another light orange Pegasus stallion with a forest-green mane. They both wore matching white and Columbia blue vertically striped shirts and hats. The shirts and hats read "Light Eye's Ponyville Realty", with name tags. The earth pony with the mahogany mane's read "Cymbal Bright" and the Pegasi's read "Orange Leaf".

"What?" asked Orange Leaf.

"Well, you know, Ange, we've had Rarity as a tenant for almost five years now. If I remember... What year is it?" Cymbal Bright asked.

"2016"

"Make that six years! She's lived with us for six years next week! Just up and the sudden, her house burns down, and she, the artisan she may be, managed to teleport, and her parents were taken by strange beings. Hard to believe. Rarity is the first and only tenant I've ever known personally!"

"You're not the social type, Cym."

"Exactly!"

"Well, coming from Bon-Bon..."

"I know, I know, she was born in the West Equestrian Valleys, gossip is her specialty!"

"Well, and her sweets shop sure does make a mean taffy!"

"Well, you've got her there. And a nice pl-..."

"Don't even go there."

Suddenly, a voice rung thru their heads, at the same time, repeating the words "Cake Dimension" before blacking out.

g O T H I C Mansion

"Ruby! Ru-u-u-by!" called a wandering Cyclops. "Where are you?"

"Up here, Iris!" called a small ginger girl dressed in all black. She was hanging from the ceiling by a trapeze. A skeleton wearing a t-shirt and jeans was on another, hanging upside down by his knees, painting a mural on the ceiling. "Well, he was going to show me a new painting, bu-u-u-t... I'm stuck."

"Alright. Jump down, Ruby! I'll catch you!" promised Iris. Ruby jumped and fell towards Iris, but, lacking depth perception, Iris had no idea where Ruby was really landing, so Ruby missed and created a hole in the floor, landing hard.

"Oof. You'll catch me, all right..." mumbled Ruby and rubbed the back of her head. Iris let out a small sorry, when Ruby's cat pranced over.

She made a motion life a horse walking, and held up two digits on her paw. She then limped a bit, and pointed the direction she was coming from. Iris scratched her head.

"What...?" she said and squinted her eye.

The cat grew frustrated and motioned for them to follow her. Iris and Ruby ran after her.

An olive skinned girl in a long periwinkle dress ran in circles, mumbling something about lightning.

"What is it, Misery?" Ruby asked the girl. Misery shook her head.

"These things. They can't be good," she said and pointed to two shapes on the sidewalk. One had wings. It looked as if they were seriously injured. It was quite obvious they were still breathing, on that note. A large raven in a suit flew down.

"All right, all right, what's all the commotion?" he asked in a very, for lack of a better adjective, high-class voice.

"Poe, what are these things?" Iris asked the bird while pointing to the two objects. Poe prodded them with his claw, and shook his head.

"I don't beleive it," he mumbled. "A Pegasus!"

"A Pegasus? The winged horse?" asked Skull Boy, walking up behind them. Poe nodded. "Wow!"

"Is it deadly?" asked Misery. Poe shook his head.

"The other form, seems to be, well... Just a pony," Poe reported. He poked the Pegasus. It whinnied and accidentally bucked Misery in she face.

"Not deadly, huh?" came an accented voice from a bat with a scarf as he waddled over to the scene.

"Scaredy Bat, could you help us move these two?" Ruby asked the bat. Scaredy Bat.

"Oh no, I am much too afraid of horses!" he politely rejected. Ruby groaned, and she dragged the pony away, while Iris lead the dazed Pegasus into the mansion.

"Well, let me be the first to say, welcome to your new home!" greeted Iris to the Pegasus in the foyer. "I'm Iris, nice to meet you!"

Cloudsdale

A certain blonde-maned, wall eyed Pegasus walked thru the streets of downtown Cloudsdale, wearing a messenger bag stuffed with newspapers around her neck, shouting and flying up to ponies who offered to buy one.

"Extra! Extra! Missing pony cases at large! Un... what does that say?" she yelled while reading the headline off of one of the paper. Or, at least trying to. "Uneye-dent-of-eyed causes at hoof. Crystal Princess and Element Welders unavailable, Princess Celestia ignoring issue!"

"That's Element Wielders, Ditzy, and why are you handing out papers?" corrected Thunderlane as he flew by. Ditzy grew frustrated.

"I told you, I go by Derpy now, and it was Ivory's part time job, but she's one of the missing pony cases. I'm always looking for a new job," she explained. Thunderlane chuckled.

"Still paying off debt to Ponyville, I assume," he teased. Ditzy... Er, Derpy blushed.

"No... Well, yes, but... How do you know about that?" she asked.

"Well, I heard about it while I was down in Ponyville for the hurricane thing. You know, with Fluttershy?" Thunderlane explained. Derpy, to the best of her ability, tried to roll her eyes.

"Pff, Fluttershy..." she mumbled and went back to selling papers. A ways down the road, Thunderlane saw three ponies around him disappear into black smoke, until he himself heard the words "Ausgezeichnete Dimension" and he disappeared, too.

C a n t e r l o t

"Mmmfrrhmmfcmr!" Princess Celestia yelled at the basketcase pile of goop pacing in front of her, hooves and wings tied with some enchanted ropes, with a sock shoved in her mouth, and an inhibitor strapped to her horn, not of pony design, feeding magic to the soot-black slime ball that was Discord.

"Oh, quiet, you old coot!" he demanded, voice back to the way it was. "This magic is the only thing stopping me from talking like Twiki on dialup! Yeah, it's a human thing, don't worry.

"So, how you like that little doohickey strapped to your horn? Made by my boss, sucks your magic into me! Nice guy. You may notice I act differently. Well, going on four years as a BALL, of LIQUID, does not help a man's sanity.

"Well, a man is... Oh, forget it. Sure, leave your little subjects to believe I'm harmlessly stuck in .a .s .t .a .t .ue,,,,, su .r .e! Oh, watch that cord!

"So, anyway, explain to me why you'd tell the Elemental Six, or whatever you call them, that the Harmony spell against me converted me to the form of your choice, leaving what's left a stone? Well, you are notorious for lying. What, with that ridiculous story you told those idiots? That I ruled the land in an unfair reign of chaos and disaster? Ridiculous! You named me Discord for that back-story, my name was originally Kimiko the Great! Ponies worshipped me for my kindness and fairness. I maintained a state of harmony and happiness that you could never match as my second-in-charge, but you wanted that power.

"So what did you do? You banished your very own sister to the moon, her daughter and her subjects to the Arctic North, with some bloke, Sombra, and trapped the Royal Shapeshifters crew in a far, distant land nopony has heard of, and sat down, created fairy-tales, sent them out and started over. And you expected us not to be pissed off when we returned? The Changelings, who lived off the love they got from fans in their traveling circus, returned and fed off the love of somepony you could care very less about, and only responded when she was about to reveal you.

"Nightmare Moon. Your sister. A smart, mild-mannered, and quite a bright young mare! Well, when on the moon, she developed so much hate for you, so much malice, all this, just for your spell to end. She comes down, and she is beyond angry with you. Of course, you're the 'princess' of the sun, so night shall shroud you for your deeds against her. She destroys the elements to prevent from forgetting, and immediately before she's about to reveal the truth, bam, you're in the bushes outside, you cast a spell for weapons of mass destruction, the Elements of Harmony. Harmony my posterior! These elements caused Luna to forget all that ever happened, and took away her brightness, too, poor thing, so that you could rule without worry of being overthrown.

"But, isn't it just plain coincidental, you're niece arrives, she has nothing to rule over, a month later, BOOM!, hey, guys, Crystal Empire is back! All these ponies are coming back, and King Sombra. Yes, I knew Sombra, he was a flat-out, well, as that Fluttershy character would say, big, fat, meanie. He whined and cried about how little he got, so he taxed the poor. His original plan was to tax the rich, because they had enough bits for more taxes, but, his most trusted, and richest, advisor said no. Tax the poor. They'll never notice! That was very miserly of us, wasn't it, Marigold Sunbeam?

"Yes, I remember your real name. And why should we be surprised by that? Oh, we don't have to even get into me, although we already have. But why not Discord 2.0, Beta? Yes, you took my personality and uploaded it onto this... thing. So, ooh, lucky me, I get to go through painful tests and experiments. Well, something went wrong there.

"You see this thin gray line holding together these spheres? You don't, but you developed it. It ended up giving me this ability. Give me a name of a dimension."

"Mmmf fmmmhmmn!"

"Factory Dimension it is!"

An orange and red pony appeared beofe them. "Er... I did that wrong. This is from the Filosophy Dimension. Meet Orion Comet, but this isn't Orion you think you know. This Orion didn't take the Young Flyers Exam. This Orion has never been to the Rainbow Factory. This Orion has never been to Cloudsdale. I just made a copy of his personality. Give me another. Good. Sunflower."

A golden pony with long, curly auburn locks landed before the two. Discord took her head in claw and looked at it from different angles.

"Erin 'Sunflower' Olsen. Discovered Equestria, first human. Black tide ate Earth, mostly, but it was stopped. But this Sunflower never went to Earth, she's lived in Ponyville all her life. She never met Lucky, never worked at Fetlock Express, never even thought about entering the Iron Pony competition! One more."

A light orange Pegasus stallion with dark green hair, and a skinny build faded in before them. He wore a shirt that was blue and white striped, vertically.

"Orange Leaf. Not the one you may think of. This orange leaf never met Pound Cake or Pumpkin Cake, never even knew the cake family. They never convinced Sweetie Belle to dye her mane, or help her devolp advanced magical powers. Nor have they ever spoken to Scootaloo.

"Do you catch my drift, Celestia? There are 52,043,192 Derpy's in Equestria, half of them actually named Ditzy Doo and go by Derpy as a nickname, and Over 3,000 have traveled with The Doctor. But not all of them here. Hell, there are over sixty billion Rainbow Dashes!

"There are infinate universes out there, Celestia. Well, if you would've left me alone, and let me be, and stayed Marigold Sunbeam, and none of this would've happened. Well, here, let me give you this. The one you sent to another dimension? He left, but didn't go after you! Congratulations!

"Well, he's going to kill the Element Wielders! Yay! Well, this could have also have not happened if your scheme against Luna worked. She remembers, you know, and has revenge plans. I hope you're happy, Marigold, I hope you're happy."

Discord batted the sock out of Celestia's mouth. She smacked her mouth and nodded.

"I am happy, Kimiko. And you know, under normal circumstances, I'd kill you. But, I'm so glad you went ahead and retold me my dark past."

"You're a regular GLaDOS, you know that?"

"I know her personally. Because of the whole dimension thing."

"Hey, guess what, Celestia!"

"Whaddaya want?"

"This entire thing was recorded! The crystal over there had it, a hidden camera! And guess where it's feeding. Live."

"You're not saying..."

"So, loyal subjects, you know I'm not a liar! I've never lied to anypony. The whole thing with the rainbow one, I showed her what she showed herself, the worst disaster that could happen to her. Well, there. Your princess is a fraud.

"Do you have any more chaotic abilities to give me, by the way, Marigold? Oh, did I forget to mention that? Silly me. I would've never been able to have the power to cause that chaos. She gave that power to me. Anything to say, Mrs. Sunbeam, or are you willing to just let it go?"

"That is all true, Twilight. I'm sorry. Just... Remember me when Discord's boss kills you."

"I know me and Ivory don't want to. But to be honest, Boss is a weird guy, it's a 51% to 49% chance. Well, princess, have you ever wondered what the inside of Red Dwarf looks like?"

Discord snapped his fingers and the two were gone.

Red Dwarf

"No, no, no, no!" screamed Rainbow Dash as she flew in circles around the hospital beds Lister and Twilight. "This can't be, and to think I defended that b..." She knocked something over. "...h!"

"Rainbow, stop it, we all know Discord was just a-bein' Discord. We shouldn't trust nothin' he says!" comforted Applejack. "I'm sure that he's just a-lyin'..."

"You know, you should think before you speak," a voice said from behind them. They all whipped around to find Discord in a silky, oily form, with metal spheres taking place as his pupils and joints. "I just frigging told you I never lie."

"What the smeg?!" yelled Lister and sat straight up. "What's going on?"

"Eesh. Do the spell wrong?" asked Discord. Pinkie nodded. "Ah, well, Twilight should be up in a second." He threw Kryten a flashdrive. "Stick this in the machine connected to her head. I don't know about the boss's plan, but mine was to reveal Celestia for who she really was. Still unsure on Ivory's, though..." A loud explosion was heard from below. "But it might have something to do with that."

Ivory Wisp 2.0, as she could be called, was downstairs, on a very vow deck, fiddling with equipment, when a loud explosion could be heard from behind. She turned to look, and it was her boss. Of course, he was just a walking figure of computer mesh.

"I bRoUgHt ThE EHSP, aRe YoU rEaDy?" he asked. Ivory 2 shrugged.

"Well, you could say that. Put it in here," she pointed to the console she had destroyed. Her boss threw a green blob with a face at the device and it dissolved in.

"Well, they've disabled the lift. We'll have to teleport" Kryten reported. "But I've identified the problem. They have released an EHSP on board."

"Esp?" asked Ivory

"E-H-S-P." spelled Kryten.

"Ih dear... That siunds bad..." Ivory decided. Kryten nodded.

"Very. Emohawks can be very dangerous. They drain someone's primary emotion," Kryten explained. "For instance, Rimmer would become Ace."

"That git? I'd hate that!" exclaimed Rimmer. A face appeared in the place of Holly's.

"Oh, Be CaReFuL wHaT yOu SaY, rImSy. PeOpLe MiGhT bE lIsTeNiNg!" it warned. It sounded distantly like Rimmer himself. "Oh, AnD bY tHe WaY, gOoD lUcK aGaInSt DiScOrD!"

Discord waved and smiled as the face disappeared. "He's such a nice guy!" he said, and slowly converted into a puddle-ish form, slipping thru cracks and disappearing himself. Suddenly a loud creaking could be heard, and another Lister, Kryten, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight stood in front of them. Kryten blinked.

"This doesn't go well, I see," he said. The other him nodded and phased off.

Twilight came galloping down the hall at them, Lister tailing behind. "Ah, ma'am, sir, I see you're awake. Just in time. So, here's the story so far..."

Ponyville Home for the Mentally Unwell

"For the last time, I am not a coconut. Now, if you please, tell me what leads you to believe walls are evil?" a beige unicorn stallion with red hair sat in a padded room with an orange pony in a straight jacket.

"What is the point of walls but to SCREW PONIES WHO RUN INTO THEM?!" he yelled. "Now stop speaking Portuguese and talk to me, Commander Coconut! I am on your side! The musk melons will fall to our eventual might!" He attacked the chair behind him and began to gnaw at the straight jacket.

"Please calm down, sir, the... Urgh... I can't believe I'm saying this... The musk melons are already dead, our army grows in pure power..." the unicorn groaned.

"Yes! The army falls! Give me a glass of tree juice!" yelled the orange pony. Suddenly, a voice said the words "Sanity Dimension". "Take me with you, Cathy! I am prepared!" The unicorn stabbed him with a syringe of tranquilizer. They didn't call him Dr. Needles for nothing. He facehoofed for a moment, just to calm himself down, but when he looked back up, his subject, Blitz, was gone. He himself heard the words "Why Dimension" and disappeared into a cloud of blackness.

/*\Mysterious Ocean/*\

A squirrel in an astronaut's suit stood in front of a sponge with a face, pants, appendages, and giant red karate gear. They bowed to each other and yelled a loud "YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!".

The sponge went to chop at her face, only to be stopped by her suit. She delivered a blow that shattered the sponge to pieces. Cleanly, with no blood. The sponge picked himself up and reshaped into a sponge again. The squirrel smirked.

"Y'all been practicin'. Ah can tell," she complimented and walked towards a giant dome. The sponge ran after her.

"Sandy! Wait!" he yelled in a high pitched voice. Sandy turned.

"What is it, Spongebob?" she asked. Spongebob pointed at the sky.

"What are those?" he asked. Sure enough, two dots were in the air, growing bigger.

"Ah dunno, li'l guy. Maybe som'thin's a-droppin' in the ocean?" Sandy said and squinted at the sky. One fell faster than the other, and hit Sandy square in the chest while yelling:

"Aaaaayyyeeeee carumba, Shelly, we're going to hit the base in no time at all. The S-Y-52 will dance all the doo-da-day if we don't! Yeehaw!"

Of course, these words were mildly gurbled, being underwater. The figure got up. "Hey, got any air? Hate ta say it, I might explode with out it!"

The other figure landed in Spongebob's face, horn taking out a chunk of.

"Er, sorry. Here," the second figure apologized and used his magic to levitate it back in his face. "I'm afraid that's the first sane thing he's said today. I, luckily, have just put a water breathing spell on the both of us. We're going to die soon, though, this spell doesn't last forever."

"Well, y'all are in luck. Come on over ta my tree-dome, Ah've got air in there! Ah'm Sandy, this'ne here is Spongebob. Welcome to Bikini Bottom!" the squirrel stuck out her hand. The second figure shook it.

"My name is Doctor Needles, this is Blitz. He's insane," he introduced.

"Run, Jerome, run! The Fleebleebleebees are coming!" Blitz yelled.

Red Dwarf

"Alright, everybody ready?" asked Kryten. Twilight, Pinkie, and Lister reluctantly nodded. "Good then!" Kryten said and pushed some buttons.

Suddenly a loud creaking could be heard, and another Lister, Kryten, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight stood in front of them. The other Kryten blinked.

"This doesn't go well, I see," he said. The first Kryten nodded and phased off.

"Let's try that again! It's fun!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"Wait, how did Spike get here?" asked Twilight. Spike gave her a quizzical look.

"I've been on your back the entire time!" he explained. "And... We made it!" yelled Lister as the four arrived in the bottom sector of Red Dwarf. As expected, Discord appeared before the two. A strange music began to play.

" .L .i .k .e .i .t???? .E .r,,,,, .s .o rr .y,,, o n e,,, .m.o.m.e.n.t . . ." he malfunctioned and tampered with a device strapped to his back. He reverted to a normal voice. "Try that again... Like it? It's called Aphex Twin. Some old human music. I find it almost eurythmic. Down to business. I... am supposed to kill you. I've never killed somepony before, so let's see how this goes!"

A blast of the black liquid that was Discord shot across the room, splatting Kryten in the face. It returned, taking Kryten's head with it. Discord chuckled. "This is too easy!"

"You've forgotten one thing! I'm spare head number two! Kryten's real head is upstairs, clearing his cache!" Kryten laughed. Discord rolled his eyes. "Now, Lister! Twilight! Pinkie Pie!"

Pinkie Pie pulled a pink cannon wit h wheels out of the blue and shot Discord with a blast of confetti, that had been lit on fire. Twilight hit him with a combustion spell, but it welled up in his chest with the confetti. Lister then busted out a bazookoid and shot Discord in the place all this fire was building up.

"Everyone's a critic," mumbled Discord before blowing all over the room.

"That will only hold him momentarily! We must go!" Kryten's disembodied head instructed. Half his face was burned off. "Put me back on my body."

Twilight used her magic to levitate Kryten's head back on his body and screw it on.

Ivory 2.0 was galloping around frantically, shaking her head.

"They're coming, they're coming!" she yelled. "I can't believe they got through Discord!"

"DoN't WoRrY, wHeN tHeY gEt HeRe, I'lL jUsT tElL tHeM tHe TrUtH!" the mesh figure next to her. Kryten, Twilight, Lister, and Pinkie Pie burst thru the door.

"And that would be?" asked Twilight. The mesh figure leaned against a nearby pillar.

"eAsY! My NaMe Is AcE rImMeR!"

Author's Note: Gatdamnit John de Lancie!

Well, the new episode kind of ruined my plot-line! So, time to weave all that in there.

Chapter 10: Ace of Spades

"What?" screamed Lister, disraught. "Ace Rimmer, you are Ace Rimmer?"

"nO, I'm MaRiLyN vOs SaVaNt! YeS, aFtEr HoW yOu LeFt Me!" he yelled. Kryten looked confused.

"Something go wrong on your journey, sir?" asked Kryten. Ace shook his head in frustration.

"YoU fOoLs! UnLeSs, ThAt HaSn'T hApPeNeD..." he pondered. "tHaT wOuLd Be A MiNoR sMeG iN mY pLaNs, WoUlDn'T iT?"

"What hasn't happened?" asked Pinkie.

"oH, tHiS iS tOo RiCh! I dIe, EvErY sO mAnY gEnErAtIoNs Of AcEs, AnD a NeW oNe TaKeS mY pLaCe! ThE lEfToVeR hOlOgRaPhIc ProJeCtOr Is SeNt To A PlAnEt WhOsE rInGs ArE... wElL, tHeSe PrOjEcToRs. SoMeBoDy NeGlEcTeD tO tElL mE tHaT i WaSn'T dIeIng! So, SoMe GeEzEr FiNdS Me A-fLoAtIn' ArOuNd, AnD tRiEs To TuRn Me InTo A wAlKiNg CoMpUtEr PrOgRaM! iNsTeAd, He MaDe A cOmPuTeR vIrUs," complained Ace. Discord staggered into the room.

" .I .t .' .s .n .o .t .n .i .c .e .t .o .b .l .o .w .p .o .n .i .e .s .u .p!!!!!" Discord grumbled and rubbed his back.

"CuT tHe AcT, dIsCoRd!" Ace warned. Discord rolled his eyes.

" .Fine! .I .just .like .to .keep .that .voice .on .standby," he said and made a face.

"So Be It, JuSt DoN't UsE iT! DiDn'T yOu HaVe A mAgIcAl ThInGaMaBoBbEr?" asked Ace. Discord nodded.

"So why are you guys all--" began Pinkie, but she was cut off by Discord shooting her in the mouth with goop.

" .Shut .it, .pony," Discord demanded. Pinkie pulled at the gunk.

"Nnnf!" she yelled. Discord knocked her back. Pinkie struggled with the goop, but was turning pale. "Nn... Uhhnnn..." she groaned.

"What are you doing to her?" yelled Ivory 2.0. Discord smirked.

" .Since .when .do .you .care .about .the .lives .of .others?" he asked.

"Since always!" she argued. "Well, no, um... I've always cared about the wellbeing of others. Torture is wrong, killing in mass is something else!"

"ThAt'S mY iVoRy!" exclaimed Ace. Twilight shook her head.

"Stop. Just, stop. You came back to Ponyville, remember?" said Twilight. "You have to be lying."

"Fu... What? When did I come back to Ponyville?" he asked sincerely, as he fiddled with the device on his back. "Ah, much better."

"Just a year before we left. You were around occasionally," Twilight challenged

"I can say he wasn't..." Ivory 2.0 spoke up. "He's been with us the entire time!"

"THaT's TrUe..." mumbled Ace. "We'Ve HaD hIm..."

A loud gagging sound was heard, and everybody turned to see Pinkie Pie dying, hair going completely flat.

"Pinkie Pie!" yelled Twilight and jumped for her. Pinkie pushed her away and used a nearby sharp piece of metal to rip off the goop. Discord screamed in agony. She threw the piece of metal at Ivory 2.0. She ducked and it impaled the pillar behind her.

"Look, chum pile, I don't know your problem, but you have not been nice..." Pinkie garbled and cracked her jaw. "And we all know what happens when somepony isn't nice. If I could kill you, I would, but I can't. Even better..."

"Snap out of it, Pinkie!" yelled Lister. A flash of a normal Pinkie fluttered across her face.

"Don't bring her into this, skidmark," warned Pinkie.

"She has Multiple Personality Disorder!" yelled Kryten. "The only way to snap her out of it, it seems, is to get her to need you!"

"Pinkie! C'mon, stop it. If you go crazy on us now, Ace will win!" Spike convinced. Pinkie grabbed the teleporter from Kryten's hands.

She returned with Ivory. "Use her, let me deal with the living pile of sh-"

"Guys? What am I diing diwn here?" asked Ivory.

"Help us destroy these guys!" yelled Spike.

She flew over to her other self and bucked her in the face. "That's fir trying ti kill me!"

"Heh," the other chuckled and realigned her neck. "Yer funny." Ivory let out a loud gulp as Ivory 2.0 pounced. But she pounced right over her head and landed in Ace's field. A man with a blue jacket and a poofy haircut appeared in his place. He was holding a pistol. Ivory 2.0 chuckled a bit more. "Luckily for you, I've bigger fish to fry. Besides, wouldn't killing you be like suicide?" she pointed out. Ivory shrugged.

"Look, guys, I'm sure you're having fun, but a psychotic pony with a major grudge-holding factor is approaching me with a particularly sharp piece of debris from my blowing-up back there..." warned Discord. Indeed, Pinkie was armed with a sharp fragment of metal in her mouth. Lister shot in the direction of Pinkie, but only managed in blowing up what was left of the computer panel next to Ace, sending him flying.

"Wait, sir!" cried Kryten. "The emohawk!"

"What about it?" asked Spike.

"It drains one's primary emotion!" said Lister, catching on.

"You aren't suggesting..." Twilight realized nervously their plan. Lister nodded. Spike pondered this.

"But if it drains somepony's primary emotion, wouldn't Pinkie be stuck like that? She's more often than not annoyingly cheerful," he asked.

"Not as of right now. It's a chance we'll have to take," ventured Lister. Spike gulped.

"Pinkie!" yelled Twilight and sucked the EHSP out of the console's remains with magic.. "Catch!"

Pinkie glanced back to see a blob hit her in the face. She slowly began to switch thru extreme emotions, such as anger, for three seconds, an uncomfortable jealousy phase, a, very awkward for Lister, five second love stage, and, finally, her normal happy self. The EHSP slinked off.

"Ooh! Quick thinking, guys!" she complimented and hugged her friends. She turned to Discord. "I'm still angry at you, you know!" He gulped very loudly.

"StOp ThAt!" Ace yelled. Everybody turned to see him yelling at Ivory 2.0, who was headed towards a lever. "DoN't YoU dArE!"

"Oh, I dare," she said and laid a hoof on the lever. She turned to the group opposite of her. "This section of Red Dwarf has the self-destruct button in it. If you leave now, in Starbug 1, you can live." She smiled smugly as possible with her distorted face. Discord joined.

"Ace? By the way, that 'old geezer' that finds you floating in space later?" he said. "That's me!"

"oH, yOu ShUt It!" Ace warned. He grabbed Ivory classic and held the pistol to her head. "Or I BlOw HeR bRaInS oUt!"

"Ace?" Ivory intervened

"WhAt?" he scowled.

"Haven't you ever wondered why I have a hole in my head?" she asked and turned back to the others. "You guys beam out now. I give me 2 minutes to live, and an additional 3 minutes 'till boom-boom time! Oh, and Rarity's parents can be found in the Wayward Warhawk. Head over there."

Kryten pushed a button, and they were gone.

"Oh, pooh. I forgot to mention the fact that we might end up at a very, very wrong point in time. Well, um, this looks like a week ago, last Wednesday. About an hour before you arrived here, Twilight. Come, we must inform your brother of our findings," said the Kryten with a teleporter in his hands. The lavender pony then spoke.

"You may want to head down to the docking bay with Starbug soon!" she informed. The pink one waved vigorously.

"HI PAST DAVID! HIYA PAST RIMMER-- er, SMEGHEAD! HI PAST KRYTEN! CAT, YOUR SUIT IS LOVELY!" she yelled. The Cat looked down at his suit and smiled.

"Why, thank you!"

"Eh," Lister 2 spoke. He pulled a cigarette from his ear. He lit it and took a drag. "Let’s get this show on the road. We still Gotta contain the EHSP before it..."

"Now don't reveal too much, Mr. Lister. We wouldn't want to create more of a paradox." said Kryten 2. He pushed a few buttons, and they telepored out.

"Mister Shining Armor! Mis'ess Cadence! Thank goodness we've found you!" Kryten called out. "We've disturbing news..."

"What is it?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Where's Ivory?" questioned Rarity.

"This place is going to blow in five minutes!" yelled Pinkie. A collective gasp came from the group. Rarity grunted.

"Where's Ivory?" she snarled. Twilight sympathetically shook her head. One could almost hear Rarity's heart breaking. Her best friend... "No... She can't be dead!"

"C'mon, we need to go! Now!" yelled Rimmer. "No time for all the emotion!"

"You're a smeghead, Rimmer!" yelled Lister as he dragged the whimpering Rarity to Starbug.

"The good news is, your parents are alive..." comforted Pinkie, but Rarity wasn't listening.

She wouldn't be for quite some time.

STARBUG -

"The Wayward Warhawk has supplies, shelter, and Rarity's parents. We should be fine there," Twilight decided. Sweetie Belle was in the corner, comforting her sister, who was losing it. Rainbow Dash was flying in circles, and the rest of the Mane 6 were seated elsewhere.

"Holly's still on Red Dwarf," Lister mumbled. Cat nodded.

"Shame," he agreed sadly. "I'll miss her."

For a moment, they sat in a circle of recondite silence. A final goodbye to the ship that was included in the giant explosion that ripped the silence into a mosaic.

Chapter 11: Farewell

Starbug

Lister snapped his fingers in front of Rarity's face, to no use, she was transfixed on some unseen darkness in the opposite corner. A lurking monster haunting her, and only her, vision. Sweetie Belle was at a loss of words. Yesterday she had been out with her friends, performing the great feat that developed from her and Scootaloo getting into a fight about the more dangerous games: a round of extreme embroidery. Today her house burned down, her parents held hostage, her older sister's best friend died, and a group of strange beings from another dimension watched the only thing they'd known for years upon years get blown to smithereens. If she didn't get her cutie mark in having the weirdest life ever, she didn't know what. Sweetie tried to think happy thoughts. At least it was over. Because of that fiasco, they both already knew Ivory lived... And grew to be a homicidal maniac paired with a glop of one of Equestria's most ancient evils. So much for optimism. Sweetie sighed.

Rarity heard snapping in the distance. And not just the continuous loop in her head of that thing that Ivory would become snapping her broken neck into place. A different snapping. One that could be heard over the ringing in her head, accompanied by a gurgling laugh. That horrendous laugh. The maniacal laughter of Ivory 2.0, the thing her best friend could and would become. Rarity began to sing quietly to herself Sweetie's old lullabies, so quietly nopony could hear. Just out of earshot, a whisper. Hush now, quiet now, it's time to lay your sleepy head. Hush now, quiet now, it's time to go to bed. Rarity's entire life began to flash by at that point. Parts even she did not remember. Up until the age of 19. The birth of her sister, August 4th. A date she would never forget. Her sister, whether voluntarily admitted or not, was the best thing to ever happen to Rarity. A brooding sigh she heard above all else. A single, melancholy sigh. Sweetie Belle brought her back, with a simple exhale brought her back from the void.

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity exclaimed and jumped into her little sister's arms. Sweetie Belle caught Rarity in her arms. Sweetie felt something warm and cozy build in her heart and lungs, and migrate to her flanks. She looked down to see a heart and shield depicted on either side of her plot. Protecting hers and others feelings and wellbeing. These words rang thru her mind, a careful and unforgettable reminder of her talent. Sweetie smiled weakly. How proud the Crusaders would be.

Kryten sat under extreme pressure. He had never felt this emotion before! He knew love, joy, arrogance, anger, confusion, sadness, guilt, he was very good with guilt, and envy. But this emotion, this strange... tingly feeling in his upper circuit boards. This... feeling, of love, but different. He felt it every time he looked back at the two pony sisters. The smaller one now had a mark on her posterior. This hugging and friendship and love was... Kryten searched his databanks for the right word, and came up with... heartwarming. He looked over a Rimmer. Rimmer shed not a tear, broke not a muscle, and sat perfectly straight. He, personally, thought that this emotion was nauseating. He tried his best to ignore it. Having no such luck, he began to hum "Oh My Darling, Clemintine" very loudly. Twilight, sitting next to Cat, at Lister's usual post, grew annoyed. She caused a small explosion inches from Rimmer's face. The man shivered as the explosion literally passed thru him. He hated being a hologram. "Have you no respect for the dead?" he yelled. Twilight shrugged.

"Not for you," Cat stated. Rimmer glared.

Twilight studied the control panel in front of her. These buttons confused her. She had seen nothing of the sort before! Because of this, she itched to touch just one. She might kill the whole ship, or help a lot. She had no idea where to go from here.

A blue ship could be seen off in the distance. A Series X4 Advanced U78 Toyota Mining Ship.

"Bingo," she cheered under her own breath. Cat accelerated the ship. The Wayward Warhawk, salvation. Everyone's suffering could be over soon.

"Um, guys?" Rainbow tapped Kryten on the shoulder. "What are we going to do?"

"Rarity's in shambles," noted Sweetie.

"The mare I pledge allegiance to was evil!" Twilight yelled over her shoulder.

"I turned super evilly evil!" remarked Pinkie.

"And we almost killed somepony!" added Spike.

"I d-don't think I w-want to remember an-any of this..." Fluttershy stuttered. Others nodded in agreement. Kryten thought about this.

"I can erase all of your memories. I will remain with them until I clear my cache again. You will reawaken with no memory of ever coming to Red Dwarf, and us a different way of losing Red Dwarf," Kryten recalled. Suddenly, Holly's face appeared on screen, but she... he was a male again.

"Two catches. One, you'd lose me. Two, you couldn't blink," Holly nodded. Many happy greetings followed.

"Don't blink. Where have I heard that before?" Pinkie sat down to ponder. "A doctor fella. With somepony named Ditzy..."

"Never mind that now, Pinkie!" Twilight insisted. "We've got a breakthrough on our hooves!"

Rainbow cheered. "I can't believe it! We're going home."

"No, I'm not..." whispered Rarity. "Home is burned to the ground."

"That's horrible, ma'am!" Kryten exclaimed. "I don't believe you have nowhere to stay!"

"Start believing, mister. Unless you can warp our memories, there's no way around that," Sweetie snarled. "Besides! If I got my memory erased..."

"...you would forget your special talent!" Twilight exclaimed. Sweetie nodded somberly.

"Less than a breakthrough, you ask me," she mumbled. Rarity let out a sob, before standing up.

"I don't want my memory erased," she sniffled.

"Rarity, we have to!" Rainbow protested. Twilight nodded. "I mean, if we don't, some of the worst things to ever happen to us will be stuck to us like glue. If we were to keep up with them, hell, even I would be messed up in the head."

"There's no argument, Rarity, we're getting our minds wiped!" Twilight yelled. She shrank back as she realized she had yelled at everybody in the room.

"Well, we're ready to dock!" shouted Cat behind his back.

Wayward-Warhawk

"What do we do now?" Lister asked, examining the cabin.

"Toyota made one damn fine mining ship..." Kryten mused.

"What will we tell ourselves about Red Dwarf?" asked Cat.

"I suggest we blame it on Lister," Rimmer nodded. Lister jumped at the accusation.

"What?" he yelled.

"A fine idea, sir," Kryten agreed.

"What?!" Lister repeated.

"Well, sir, we could blame it on you, parking it on a planet for some apparent reason, I'll think of the reason and planet later, while you're in stasis."

"Who said anything about stasis?" Cat jumped in.

"Well, sir, we have no choice. Or else I'd have no time to figure out a good reason. I'm not very good with endings," Kryten explained. "I'll awaken you upon thinking of thinking of one."

"When should we go?" Twilight asked.

"Now's good as it will ever get, I suppose," Sweetie Belle sighed. Pinkie sniffed.

"I'm going to miss you guys!" she managed, on the brink of tears. A single droplet ran from her eye to her cheek, then to and off her chin, hitting the floor with a subtle splash. The room was so silent, that this was audible. "Let's get this over with."

Kryten stood with a mechanism in his hands, pointing it at everyone, standing in a circle.

"Ready?" Kryten asked. Rarity shook her head.

"We have to go, Rarity!" reminded Twilight. Rarity bowed her head before facing the mechanism once more.

A flash filled the room, dispelling the seven ponies, and dragon, away from the ship. The lot of them never knew anything happened. They returned to their homes, excluding Rarity and Sweetie Belle, who were cast to their front yard.

And Ivory Wisp died. Something to do with a mental disease, incurable, that made her brain think that every O she said was an I. But nopony really knew her. Her funeral was almost bare, except her boss, various coworkers, some fans of her books, and one single hooded figure nopony recognized.

At the end of the funeral, everypony left. Everypony except the hooded figure. The figure leaned over the casket, letting a lock of purple hair hit it, and whispered:

"I kept my eyes closed for you, Ivory. Don't make me regret it."

Author's Introduction

Just to clarify some things:

Red Dwarf is (as in it's in it's tenth season) a TV show on BBC (I don't know which one). As an American, I'm lucky to be aware of exsistence. (Those of you who read my blog posts know this. And have seen some clips of.)
"Smeg" is thier general insult and curse.
Lister is supposed to have a cockney-ish-stereotypical-ish British accent, while Holly's is straight up stereotyped.
Holly was male at the begining of the series, but after the third season, the gender switched.
Spoiler, but it's an important plot point: In the sixth season they lose Red Dwarf. I didn't know that when starting the fic, so this story will be after season 5, all the way up to when Lister wakes from another stasis at the begining of season six.

Enjoy:

HAVE A NICE SMEGGIN' DAY!

(Oh, and here's the theme song.)

Author's Note: Getting Off Track, Here, BUT READ THIS FOR SMEG'S SAKE!

Well, this for those not following my week-to-week-ness in blog and chapter posts.

As you may know, Ponies on Red Dwarf is coming to a close in a few chapters. So, afterwards, I want you all to divert your attention to the elusive conclusion to my epic trilogy!

PONYVILLE CONNUNDRUM III: SAVING SIMON is being released February sixth! I'm animating a commercial as we speak, with General Zoi's Pony Creator. Everypony get EXCITED!

Here's what it's about!

A day after what happened on Earth, Twilight is stuck with Damo's annoying friend Simon. Constantly ridiculing the six friends, the Element Wielders decide to go to Princess Celestia for advice. She recommends they take a look at the human's reactions.

Upon a close examination upon the trio's adventure through a strange, inhumane place named Wal-Mart, Celestia decides to return the little nuicense to sender, with one issue. Simon is a colt. After intense research for the cure to pony-ness, Twilight discovers a spell. Simon, frustrated for withdrawl of Black Ops, decides to mess her spell up, resulting in the summoning of Queen Chrysalis.

Hilarity insues.

Also, um, then they summon us. Damo, Harry, Price, and our old friend Tyler!

Erm, TPCIII is going to be less of a comedy, more of a serious adventure, with comedic elements, and messy changling death!]

(Oh, we obtain guns in some shape or form! Rarity has a Browning, and Rainbow an SMG!)