The Secret Life of Derpy Hooves
——
The monstrosity stood nearly fifty hooves tall. Its hideous face, deformed from years of exposure to highly radioactive sludge, stared down at the lone pony that stood in its path with a look of vengeful spite. How dare somepony stand in its path of destruction?
All it wanted to do was terrorize the countryside like a good monster should. It had already half-accomplished this anyway. The small town a mile or so behind it lay in shambles, thatched roof cottages and more solid brick structures alike crushed and crumpled like twigs in a fierce storm. All he wanted to do was go out and terrorize the rest of the land, and this stupid pony was messing it all up.
“Hey, dummy! Down here!” The pony spoke up, her voice carrying on the wind up to what she assumed to be the creature’s ears. “No big stupid monster rips up Ponyville and gets away with it! I’ll give you one last chance to go home before I have to kick your flank!”
Insults? The monster bared its yellowed, rotten teeth menacingly. How did this pony have the gall to get in its way, then insult it? Whoever this pegasus was, she was certainly a brave one.
It smiled inwardly at its good fortune. The brave ones tasted better.
With reckless abandon the creature charged at the pony, letting out a ferocious roar as it did. Reaching a deformed fist skyward, it prepared to crush the insignificant little pony like a bug. It thought this would be an easy victory and a free meal all wrapped in one conveniently pony-shaped package.
It was wrong.
Like a bolt of lightning shooting from a thundercloud, the pony dove forward and slammed head-first into the monster’s tree trunk-sized leg with surprising force. Its leg wobbled and buckled as a massive welt formed under the nasty, grotesque skin.
It didn’t even have time to recover as the pony used its now bruised leg as a springboard to shoot to its other front leg, giving it a forceful kick with a pair of powerful hind hooves. It howled again in pain.
As its other leg crumpled the forward momentum built up from its hasty charge dragged it forward still. The creature’s eyes bulged, and as its two front legs were knocked out of commission by that blasted pony it felt what was left of its stomach to shoot into its chest. Suddenly aware of what that nefarious pony was accomplishing, it tried desperately to rock onto its hind legs and save itself from the imminent fall.
Alas, it was all in vain. Without the support of its front legs it might as well have been a precariously perched pile of rocks. The monster teetered for moment before finally losing its balance. With a terrified shriek it toppled to the ground in a massive shower of dirt and debris. As the creature’s head smacked against the hard-packed dirt it dug a fresh crater into the earth.
“Take that!” The pony circled around the defeated monstrosity, eyeing it victoriously. “That’ll teach you to destroy my town!” The victor pumped a hoof in the air as she fluttered upwards in joy and pride.
The monster’s mangled face drooped as it finally admitted defeat. Defeated by a mere pony! The monsters back at its den would never let it live this down. It could already hear the embarrassing taunts and jeers ringing in its head. In a strained, guttural voice it garbled, “W-who are you?”
Landing on the monster’s nose teasingly, the pegasus flicked her head to one side, brushing her golden yellow mane out of her eyes. “My name? My name is Ditzy Doo, superpony extraordinaire! I live to help ponies in need, and—”
Her monologue was cut short by a torrential downpour, appearing from nowhere and blanketing her with waves upon waves of misty spray. Looking upwards to see what was soaking her only got her another faceful of water. Flicking her wet mane out of her face she muttered, “Funny. I didn’t see any clouds up there a minute ago. Just what the hay is going on?”
The monster opened its mouth and spoke again. This time, though, it was in a much more feminine, scratchy tone.
“Derpy! Didn’t I just tell you not to bump into that cloud?”
Derpy looked down. In front of her hovered a furious-looking Rainbow Dash. Her normally sky-blue coat was tinged with red at her cheeks, and she sported a glare that could kill a rampaging monster with ease. She was completely drenched and dripping with water. “Darn it, Derpy! That’s the fourth cloud you’ve messed up today!”
Derpy followed her boss’s fiery stare to the cloud right above her. The puffy mass of water vapor spilled the last droplets of its watery contents onto her head. For the first time she realized she was completely soaked. Shaking herself gently, she returned a sheepish glance to Dash. “Oops... did I do that?”
“Augh,” Dash groaned, dragging a hoof over her exasperated features. “Derpy, you can’t just go running into clouds like that all the time! This one was supposed to help water Sweet Apple Acres. How do you expect us to water their crops with a cloud that doesn’t have any rain?”
Derpy hung her head in shame. “Sorry Dashie. I just wasn’t paying attention.”
“Yeah, well tell it to the ponies you just soaked.” She looked down at the distant glares of several bystanders unfortunate enough to be caught under her distracted deluge. Despite the distance between her and them, she could feel their angry glares boring into her head. “Honestly, do you even think when you do this? Somepony could’ve gotten hurt, dang it!”
“I’m sorry boss. I’ll make it up to you! I’ll go bring another cloud over from the Everfree Fores—”
“No!” Rainbow jumped. “Please, no. J-just take the rest of the day off. I’ll get some other pegasi to handle getting a new cloud.”
“But—”
“No buts.” She pointed a cyan hoof toward town. “You’ve already done quite enough.”
Derpy opened her mouth to respond but decided against it. Dash was right—she had already done enough damage as it was. She didn’t want to make things any worse. With a defeated nod she began the slow trek towards town, a downcast look in her dulled golden eyes.
The shouts of displeasure from the passersby she had soaked reached her ears as she descended into the town square.
“Simpleton!”
“Dummy!”
“Traitor!”
“Coward!”
A rough wooden carriage, pulled by a single pony shrouded in a black executioner’s mask, forced its way through the streets of Canterlot. The road it traveled on was lined with ponies of all races and colors. Nobleponies crowded in with peasants alike, all gathered to witness the final hour of Equestria’s greatest villain.
Ditzy Doo peeked her face out of the thick bars that walled her into the wobbly carriage. Her face, normally aglow with fillyish innocence and joy, was now set in a cold, stoic glare. She noted all the fine details around her as she traveled; the soft breeze that carried the delicious scent of food from some far off eatery, the myriad of hateful faces directed at her, and the beautiful midday sky above it all.
What she would have given to be up there, free from her impending fate.
Far too soon her ride ended. The cart lurched to a sudden halt, nearly throwing her off her hooves. The bars of the cage were thrown open as two burly stallions, also sporting black masks, clamped cold iron shackles to her fetlocks and bound her wings to her withers with thick rope before dragging her out of her prison.
The irons bit into her hooves fiercely and the rope blistered and tore at her sensitive wings, but she did not protest. The pain only steeled her spirit all the more. If she was to go, she’d be darned if she didn’t go with her dignity.
The two guards took up positions at either of her flanks, ready to leap into action if she were to try anything. Another guard walked in front of her, clearing a path through the mob leading to the square. Entourage complete, she was led once again through throngs of jeering ponies. Their words were blocked out, though, as she stared up at the sky, wishing she had one last opportunity to soar through the clouds, free as a bird, without a care in the whole world.
The guards stopped her. Looking down, she saw she was at a high platform, made of the same rickety wood her carriage was constructed of. She gulped. Atop the hastily built scaffolding sat a single crossbar raised above the rest of the structure. On it was a rope.
“Ditzy Doo!” A blaring voice, fuzzily amplified with magic, blared over the din of the crowd. “Approach the scaffolding!” She did as she was told, slowly making her way up the creaking stairs and onto the raised platform. “You, Ditzy Doo, have been tried in a court of Equestrian law and have been found guilty of the following charges by a jury of your peers: assault, grand theft, arson, treason, grand espionage against Equestria, conspiracy to incite rebellion, jay-flying...”
She tuned out the blaring voice, instead turning her golden eyes skyward again. She chuckled dryly as she saw two clouds dancing in the thin air high above her, intermingling and morphing as they floated about. What she wouldn’t give to fly up there and lie down on them, the silky softness enveloping her like a warm, wet blanket.
“Does the accused have any last words?”
She looked down at the chorus of hateful faces staring back up at her. Drawing a breath, she shouted in a sarcastic drawl, “I just don’t know what went wrong.” The words sent her into a perilous fit of rib tickling laughter, threatening to knock her over. The crowd collectively rolled their eyes. “Hey, might as well leave ‘em laughing,” she mumbled to the executioner.
The pony in black grunted, the first sign of life from him all day. Lifting a hoof high above her head he yanked down the thick noose made from the same rope that bound her wings. With another grunt he hung the noose around her neck and tightened it.
The rope chafed her fur, but she did her best to block it out. All that mattered now was the sky, the wild blue wonder that called to her, even as she was led onto a squeaky trapdoor directly below the crossbar. “Ditzy Doo,” the voice boomed once more, “for your crimes against this great land, you have been sentenced to be hanged by the neck until dead. May Celestia have mercy on your soul.”
She hardly heard a word of it. The world slowed down as she measured her breaths carefully, eyes still locked on the beautiful expanse of sky. So entranced was she by the blues and whites and greys above her that she didn’t notice a beige earth pony, her rosey red mane whipping behind her as she pushed her way through the crowd.
“Ditzy, are you okay?” she called. Finally tearing her eyes from the blue bastions above her, the condemned turned her forlorn eyes to the pony trotting toward her. “You look rather down, is everything alright?”
“Oh, just peachy.” Derpy’s old friend Rose stood next to her overstuffed flower cart, waving her over frantically. Snapping her wings back, she glided over to the florist with a small, sad smile on her lips. “How are you today, Rosey?”
“Oh, I’m fine. But that’s not important,” she continued. “What’s important is that you look absolutely awful—no offense, of course.” Turning her attention back to her flower stand, she tossed over her shoulder, “I've never seen you so down in the dumps before. You're the one pony I never see wearing a frown, yet here you are with that abomination on your lips. A negative attitude won't match with a corsage, you know. Why don't you tell me what’s wrong?”
Derpy absentmindedly kicked at a loose pebble in front of her, missing her mark several times before finally connecting and sending the tiny rock skittering across the square. “Oh, nothing.”
“Not buying it.”
“Really, everything’s... fine.” She spat out the last word like it tasted bitter.
“I can tell when you lie, Derpy. I may be a bit dramatic at times but I’m still your friend. You can talk about it.”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” she practically shouted, earning her a couple of odd glances from other ponies in the square.
Like flowers left in the sun to bake, Rose's shoulders wilted at the scorching shout. “Alright... sorry for asking.” Turning her back to Derpy, she absentmindedly returned to rearranging a few flowers in her baskets, a downcast look pulling her lips down in a frown.
“Wait,” Derpy backpedaled apologetically, “I shouldn’t have snapped like that. It’s just... I was messing up a lot at work and I got dismissed for the day.” She returned her sorrowful stare to the ground. “I just can’t seem to do anythingright today.”
Derpy expected verbal sympathy from her florist friend, which made the massive hug she got instead a complete shock. “Oh Derpy,” Rose said as she threw herself into a hug, “don’t believe that for a second. You do everything in a fresh and unique way. Who cares if it doesn’t always go perfectly?”
“I do...”
“Bah.” Rose waved a cream colored hoof like she was batting at an annoying insect. “We all love you for who you are. Don’t you dare change just because some fuddy duddy doesn’t think you’re good enough.” Unwrapping Derpy from her vice-like embrace, she turned to her multitudes of flowers behind her, scanning over them with a careful eye before snatching one up with her hoof.
“You are beautiful, and don’t let anypony convince you otherwise.” Stepping dangerously close to her, Rose gently brushed Derpy’s mane out of the way and tucked the flower behind her ear.
She stepped back, admiring her handiwork. A fresh lily bloomed next to Derpy’s goldenrod eyes. The white petals were an eye-catching contrast from the rest of her fur, while the tiny flecks of yellow in the center of the flower tastefully complemented her shining eyes. “Perfect. You look absolutely gorgeous, Derpy.”
Shuffling nervously under all the undo praise, Derpy managed a blushing smile. “Heh, you're always so good at being nice to ponies.”
Just then another gust of wind slammed into Ditzy’s exposed face, knocking the smile right off her lips and tinting her cheeks an even rosier shade of red. "T-they'll make you a prince, you know. You're so kind to everypony—you're a shoo-in. We j-just need to go a little further. There’ll b-be help on the other s-side of the mountain.”
Two sets of hoofprints snaked their way through the thick, brittle snow. The gentle hiss of a fresh snow storm blowing in from the north dominated the still evening air around the mountains. A single dying ray of light from the setting sun fell between the jagged peaks and beamed down on two figures as they made their way over the harsh curvature of the foreboding landscape.
“Don’t lie. I hate liars.” The duo stumbled blearily through the snow, their shredded winter garments providing only the tiniest fraction of the warmth they needed to stay alive. One of them, a limping cream-colored earth pony, misstepped and broke through a thin layer of ice, sending him tumbling forward into a shallow crevice.
He wailed in agony as a bandaged hoof thwacked into a block of ice. “Oh ponyfeathers,” the other pony muttered before flaring her half frozen wings and darting into the narrow fissure. She felt every last tingle of dry air hit her bruised feathers like sledge hammers made of ice but fought on, arriving next to her companion a moment later.
“Did you hit your hoof?”
“No, I just decided to wail in pain for the fun of it.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re hilarious, really. Now come on, we need to keep going if we want to get back to Equestria by nightfall.”
“I... I don’t think I’m gonna make it.”
Ditzy’s grey hoof, half-wrapped in the remains of a thick sock, impacted the injured pony’s cheek. “Don’t you dare say that ever again. We’re both making it out of this, understood?”
A strangled moan escaped the pony’s lips. “Heh, we already did what we were told to do. We were expendable the moment we completed our mission.”
“You are not expendable to me. Now come on. We can’t get bogged down in this snow.”
The earth pony shifted awkwardly in the snow, bringing his injured hoof up. “I’m telling you I can’t. Even if I wanted to go, it's kinda hard to walk when you get hurt like I did.” With a trembling hoof he unwrapped some bandages and exposed the ghastly puncture wound in his upper leg. They flinched simultaneously as he fumbled to rewrap it. “Yeah, with that there’s no way I’m walking out of here.”
“Then I’ll carry you.” Ditzy reluctantly unfurled her wings again to help stabilize herself as she wormed her way under her wounded compatriot and hoisted him onto her back. “There. Now let’s go.”
So the duo set off again, this time at a much slower pace. “You know... it wouldn’t have killed you... to lose some weight,” Ditzy managed between pants.
“Come on Ditzy, I’m bleeding out. I must be shedding those pounds in blood weight like crazy!” Her pony cargo tried to laugh only to end up sputtering into her mane, eventually gurgling out a wheezing cough. “Oh goddess, it hurts to laugh.”
She rolled her eyes again before turning back to the laborious task of putting one hoof in front of the other. “Hey, Ditzy?” her passenger spoke up again. “This may just be the blood loss talking here, but why did we do this again?”
“Because we were the only ponies capable of saving that town, that’s why. You saw t-those villagers—nothing b-but a bunch of old mares and foals."
A huff. “Some saviors we turned out to be.” The two descended into silence once more as Ditzy trudged through the barrel-deep snow mounds and howling wind that sliced through the mountains like invisible whips licking at their exposed fur for what seemed like a short eternity. The mountains they traversed all blurred into a white mush as sleep deprivation and overexertion taxed both ponies to their respective limits.
Finally, Ditzy could take it no longer. Her burning legs crumpled, landing her face-first in the snow and sending her partner tumbling through the thick, clinging powder. “Oh no, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that, I’m just so tired...”
“No, it’s—ow—fine. Just fine.” Ditzy’s lost cargo groaned as he rolled over onto his back, clutching his wounded leg.
“Come on.” The worn out pegasus trudged over to her friend. “Get back on your hooves. We need to find a warm place to rest before night falls.” She nudged his side gently. “Quit sitting around, let’s move it.”
“Derpy, we both know I can’t walk.”
“I’ll carry you.”
“Face reality, darn it! You can’t carry me any more than you can a boulder.” He laid his head back into the snowy cushion beneath him defeatedly. “I’m toast.”
“No.” She stomped her hoof adamantly in the powdery blanket beneath them, leaving a small indent in the seemingly endless expanse of white. “I can’t just leave you here! We’ll find a way, I promise.”
She tried to stay strong, but the look of calm acceptance in her partner’s eyes nearly made her break down. Tears froze in her eyes, making each blink seem like her irises were being sliced with tiny razors. “Ditzy, it’s okay. You need to go on without me. Be strong, for me.”
“No, no, no! Don’t make me do that...” she trailed off, uselessly wiping at her eyes.
His voice was hardly more than a whisper. “You have to. I’ve lived my life. Now you need to live yours.” A quick, sputtering cough cut him off. “One more thing,” he finally choked out. Leaning in close, Ditzy put her face next to her dying compatriot’s so she could hear what would most likely be his last words.
“Why don’t we grab something to eat?”
“F-food? We have food?”
Rose gave Derpy a playful sigh. “Not with me, no—unless you want to eat the flowers. I’d have to charge, though. I was thinking we go to these newfangled things called restaurants. They’re all the rage in Canterlot.”
“Oh—heh heh, yeah.” Derpy shuffled nervously to her right. “That sounds nice. I’ve actually been craving some of those great little mini-sandwiches that the deli across the block has, does that sound okay?”
Rose nodded. “Yes, that sounds lovely.” To herself she muttered, “Figures food is the one thing to bring her head out of the clouds.”
“What was that?”
“Oh, nothing.” Rose nodded before turning to her flower cart. Yanking on a thin braided rope, her display case (along with the flowers that occupied it) flipped up and into the cart with a thunk. “Let’s go get some lunch, shall we?”
“Uh... won’t all your flowers get crushed in there?” Derpy pointed a confused hoof at the now closed cart and narrowed her mismatched eyes.
Stifling a giggle, Rose replied, “Oh, of course not! How silly of you to think that!”
“Then how—”
“Trade secret. Now come on dear,” she said, taking Derpy by the hoof and leading her out of the square, “I’d like to get there before the lunch rush hits.” They trotted along in silence, Rose only breaking the quiet with the occasional snippet of gossip about the ponies they passed.
“...and I heard that he left poor Cloud Kicker out on the street just because she couldn’t bend her—oh, here we are!” Locking her foreleg with Derpy’s, she tugged her into a nondescript shop with a homely set of bright red shutters and a coat of peeling white paint. If she had passed it any other day, she never would’ve known the tiny building even housed a business at all.
If the outside made the business look undistinguished, then the inside simply screamed ‘stereotypical restaurant’. The interior shared the same color scheme as the outside, albeit in a bit more subtle hue. A loose smattering of ponies sat in the plush, old fashioned booths, sipping coffee or eating or just enjoying each other’s company.
“Table for two, please,” she heard Rose call to a nearby waiter. She absentmindedly followed her friend to the back of the shop, taking in the stimulating smell of espresso that wafted from somewhere within the building.
As she sat down, Ditzy couldn’t help but marvel at the massive stone pillars that held up the gloriously golden-trimmed arches high above her. She had been told that it was impolite to stare, but she threw all of Rarity’s advice right out the window the moment she stepped into the Middlemist Red and laid eyes on the restaurant’s extravagant features.
Her table settings matched the decor. Soft, plush napkins adorned with gold leaf sat on elegantly patterned china. The center of the table was occupied by a single flickering candle, giving off the slightest hint of Clive Celestian perfume. Running her hoof along the deep red tablecloth, feeling the intricacies of the weaving pattern, she felt like the richest pony in the world.
“Madame? Are you ready to order?” She snapped out of her fancy-decor daydream as a sharply dressed maitre' d appeared next to her, leaning in towards her with notepad in hoof.
“Oh—yeah, sure. I’ll have the... um...” For what seemed like the twentieth time that evening Ditzy stared at her menu, vainly trying to decipher the complete gibberish that garnished the pages. It seemed like every last item was from another planet. “I guess I’ll have the cwess duh greiynuiles, please.” She smiled sheepishly at the waiter and silently prayed she hadn’t accidentally offended him in a foreign language.
"Ah yes, The cuisses de grenouilles. A very exquisite dish. But uh,” he arched his eyebrow, “are you sure you wish to order this? It is a fine meal, to be sure... but it is nonetheless a very—ahem—exotic taste.”
“Nope! Sounds good to me,” Ditzy replied, doing her best to hide her hesitation. I sure hope I didn’t just order seaweed-wrapped arsenic. Oh well, I was the one who wanted to get out and do something with my evening. With a curt nod the waiter disappeared once again, leaving her alone with her own thoughts and a frighteningly large tab.
Drumming her hooves on the small table, Ditzy's eyes darted to all the fancily dressed patrons around her. They all ate so naturally, laughing and talking—and drinking—as if their only care in the world was who would call the staff over for another bottle of hundred bit wine. She envied them and their wealth. Money seemed to make everything so much easier.
As the patrons of the table motioned for yet another round of the blood-red beverage, she tossed a sideways glance at her own meager wine. Nothing special—not too expensive, not too cheap. It actually tasted quite good to her, though she hadn't the budget to be a discerning connoisseur. And getting an eyeful of vintage merlot only served to make her middle of the road Vino Bellazzo signature look like swill.
And their dresses! The flowing ripples and seamless frills put her modest ensemble to shame. Rarity had assured her that the outfit matched her personality, but Ditzy still had her reservations about it.
Rarity thought it looked bubbly. Ditzy thought it looked blech. But being the fashionista, the unicorn’s opinion won out in the end. In all honesty the dress probably didn’t look that bad...
How does that saying go?‘The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?’
“Oh, waiter!” Without thinking, she flagged down the same pony that had just recently taken her order. “Could I have the wine that table’s drinking?” She pointed a hoof to the table she had just been admiring from afar, suppressing a shriek of pain from her coin pouch. “It looks great.” He nodded warmly in acknowledgement before before departing once more.
Well, there goes my paycheck for the next month or so.
“Hey, I was gonna spend my overtime bonus here anyway,” she mumbled to her tablecloth. “Might as well enjoy myself.” Having effectively forfeited the remainder of her bits, she returned her wistful stare to the table only to realize that its occupants were all staring at her, perplexed and disdainful looks on their upturned faces. So the tables have been turned, Ditzy thought as she returned the blank stares of the fancy ponies.
Eyeing the poor pegasus like she was some sort of animal in a laboratory, one of the highbrow guests mumbled softly, “Did she just talk to herself? How uncouth.”
Great, now I’m uncouth. Ditzy slumped in her chair. Why do I always need to go cause a scene wherever I go?
Now don’t beat yourself up, the happy-go-lucky side of her brain countered. You can still have a great time here! Just ignore those uptight meanies. Her pep talk, despite its brevity, managed to perk her up a little, and before she knew it the waiter had returned with a bottle of dark liquid.
“Your wine, ma’am.” With a skilled flick of his hoof he grasped the bottle by the neck and poured a thin stream of wine into a waiting glass. “There you go. Your dish will be out in just a moment."
“Thank you,” Ditzy called to the waiter's back as he left. With a steadying breath, she snatched the glass up with both hooves to keep it from spilling, swirling the wine in her glass like she saw the fancier patrons doing. I have no idea what this is supposed to accomplish, she thought with a giggle, but as long as it makes me look like those ponies over there...
“Down the hatch.” With contained anticipation she downed a sip of the bit-laundering brew. And the verdict is...
“It tastes... exactly the same as the other stuff.” She smacked her lips a few times, but found the lingering aftertaste to be just as mediocre as the first one. “Well, there goes next month’s pay,” she muttered as she took another swig of the unfortunately bland wine.
Ditzy didn’t even bother glaring at the nearby table of patrons as they accosted her under their breath for her single sided conversations. If it bothered them so much that she was ‘uncouth’, they could go to some other place and blow their massive monetary reserves on hundred-bit wine and bloated conversation.
Dang it Ditzy, start enjoying this evening. Enjoy it or else!
Dousing the fires of frustration, she looked around just in time to see her waiter emerge from behind her, balancing a massive and ornate silver tray on his back. “Your meal, ma’am.” With practiced skill he slid the tray off his back onto her table and removed the lid with a flourish.
Tendrils of steam twisted upwards from several evenly placed... “Wow.” What the hay are those things? Those ‘things’ on Ditzy’s plate vaguely reminded her of the tempura tenders she would make herself and Dinky for lunch sometimes, but with a much odder smell. They were fashioned atop a bed of fresh greens and garnished with parsley.
“Thank you,” Ditzy managed as she stared at the oddity on a plate in front of her. The odor alone made her want to turn up her nose and run. Calm down, the waiter warned you it would be exotic.
The maitre' d nodded and disappeared with his silver tray in tow, leaving Ditzy alone with her meal. Hey, I’m the one who wanted to try something new. Tentatively she poked one of the... things with a hoof. She half expected it to lash out and bite her. When it didn’t she gained the slightest bit of confidence and mustered up the courage to pick up one of the offending objects.
A smell completely (and thankfully) unique to this ‘delicacy’ assaulted her nose the instant she brought it towards her face. Fighting through the horrible smell, she brought it to her mouth and took a cautious nibble. Down the hatch... again.
Munching warily on the unusual food, Ditzy’s wall-eyed look of apprehension slowly morphed into a big, silly grin. “This tastes... really good!” She took a much larger bite, savoring the delicate, salty flavor. The aroma actually added to the taste, layering the tastes and smells into an undeniably good culinary experience.
“Mhmm—waiter?” Disregarding her full mouth, she flagged down the maitre’ d once again. “I have to know what this stuff is. It’s just so good!” A tiny fleck of food flew from her mouth and landed right under the waiter's eye.
“Ah—yes.” Without even flinching he wiped away the speck of spittle from his cheek. “those would be cuisses de grenouilles.”
“Yeah, but what does that mean? I’m not fluent in fancy.”
“Actually, the name is Fr—nevermind,” he grumbled, noticing Ditzy’s blank stare. “Cuisses de grenouilles, in your native vernacular, would roughly translate to frogs’ legs.”
All the color drained from her face.
“Frogs’ legs? As in the legs of a frog?”
“Yes ma’am.”
Ditzy’s face fell. Her mismatched golden eyes began darting around in panic as it finally dawned on her what she had just ingested. The walls closed in on her, leaving her cramped and clammy. “Like... ‘hippityhoppity’ frogs?” Her chest tightened like somepony was stacking dumbbells on it.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Like, ‘ribbit ribbit croak’ frogs?” She began to shift uncomfortably in her chair.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Like, ‘used to be alive’ frogs?” Every moment she stayed in her seat another piece of lead was added to the ever increasing weight on her chest.
“Yes ma’am."
The weight had become unbearable. It seemed like screaming was the only way to release the horrible constriction. “So... I just ate an animal. That was alive. But now isn’t. Because I ate it.”
“Actually, three animals. There were six ‘cuisses’ total on the plate.”
It was then that Ditzy remembered that she still had a half-chewed lump of ‘cuisses’ still in her mouth. Her mind screamed at her to spit it out and down a gallon of bleach as soon as possible, but she somehow managed to suppress the thought. No, that would definitely be ‘uncouth’. I know what I have to do.
Summoning all her inner willpower, she forced the lump down with a choking gasp. “Delicious.”
“Excellent! I’ll be sure to give your compliments to the shelf. Now, if you would like to see a dessert menu—”
“No that’s okay. In fact...” Several ponies turned their upturned noses in her direction as she pushed the chair out and away from her. “I think I’m going to be leaving.”
“But ma’am, you haven’t finished your meal. Would you like to take it home with you?”
“No. I am fine. Thank you.” She spat out the word like it tasted bitter. “What’s the damage?” The waiter opened his mouth to respond but found a hoof shoved in his muzzle. “You know what? Forget it. Just take the bits. Take all my bits.”
Ditzy fumbled desperately for the clasp on her coin purse but couldn’t pry it open. Her hooves were shaking too much. Finally, she tore the purse open with a strained grunt, sending all of her bits flying out and cascading to the floor in a shower of copper coins.
“Oh no!” Tens of patrons unfortunate enough to be caught in the shining shower of bits voiced their distress as Ditzy frantically tried to pick up the carnage left in her wake. “I’m so sorry, lemme just pick those up—”
Unfortunately for her, she was so absorbed with the dropped currency that she didn’t even notice the table in her unintentional path of destruction. She looked up from her distracted search just in time to see the massive mahogany mesa in front of her. “Oh, ponyfeathers.”
Now, when a pony and a large wooden table collide, the pony tends to lose in this situation. Ditzy, however, had been able to build up a good amount of momentum from her stumbling about—so much so that when she struck the table she succeeded in rocking it violently to one side. All the ornate china and fine wine wobbled and fell, the latter spilling onto a nearby patron’s ensemble and staining her Sangneigh Signature dress a deep tinted red.
As Ditzy gritted her teeth in pain, her ears received an equally agonizing reprisal from the soaked socialite. “Honestly, who let this ruffian into a restaurant of such reputation?”
“I’m not a ruffian...” Ditzy mumbled as she backed away from the glaring (and almost comically drenched) diner. She only managed to find something else to bump into, however, almost knocking her waiter off his hooves.
“Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He hardened his gaze with an uppity humph. “Such rabble will not be tolerated here.”
“But, my bill—”
“We’ll handle the bill.” He pointed a hoof at the exit. “Please just leave before you manage to destroy something else.”
The unfortunate center of all this attention backed her way to the door, wilting under the seething stares that bored into her head with tremendous pressure. “Great, now I’ve humiliated myself in front of all these fancy ponies. I just don’t know what went wrong... this is so embarrassing...”
“Well, it’s not that embarrassing Derpy.” Rose leaned over the edge of her seat and swiped up a piece of silverware from the ground. “You only dropped a fork.”
Derpy gave her friend a blank look for a few seconds before blinking. “Oh. Yeah. You’re right. Just a fork.” A slight blush crept onto her face as the earth pony rolled her eyes and returned her attention to her food.
“So how’s your salad? I didn’t know you liked cashews.”
Derpy looked down at her plate containing a mixture of greens and tiny crescent shaped nuts. Truth be told, she couldn’t really see what difference they made to the dish. It all tasted the same, with or without the crunchy cashews. “Yeah, I love cashews. They really add something to it.”
“Hm, maybe I’ll have to try it the next time I come here.”
Derpy sighed. “Ya know what? I’m not very hungry.” With a scuttle of silverware she hoofed the remainder of her salad to Rose. “You can have it.”
Rose wasted no time uttering her thanks before enthusiastically diving into the salad. “Mhmm, you were right. This is absolutely delicious!” she said in between bites. “I’ll have to remember this for the next time I come here.”
“Yeah.” Derpy drooped a bit, letting her head rest on her hooves as she looked down at the floor.
Finally Rose managed to look up from her meal long enough to see her wilting friend. “Oh now Derpy, what’s wrong? You’re normally so upbeat—especially when there's good food involved. Is that nasty incident at work today still eating at you?”
“No, it’s not that... well, yes it is—oh, I don’t know.” She flopped onto the table, her mane falling messily over her eyes. "It’s just—I can never do anything right, it seems. I can’t fly straight, I can’t keep up with the other pegasi at all, and now I can’t even do my job right.” Her shoulders deflated with another breath. “I’m worthless.”
She immediately regretted the words as they came out of her mouth. Of course she wasn’t worthless, she thought. She was just having a bad day. But when those bad days seemed to happen every day, she couldn’t help but get downcast.
“Perish the thought, dear Derpy! You are most certainly not worthless.” Her scrumptious salad disregarded, Rose slid herself next to the downcast Derpy. “How many times do I have to tell you that you’re perfect just the way you are? I really am getting quite tired of repeating myself,” she said with a sincere giggle.
“You’re right,” Derpy managed. “It just wouldn’t hurt if things started going my way, you know? It’s hard enough being the ‘crosseyed klutz’ in town.” She shifted in her seat. “I don’t want to end up being the downcast old mare who goes crazy and surrounds herself with a million cats.”
She found a sympathetic hoof being wrapped around her shoulder. “I can assure you that you will never turn into a crazy catmare," Rose cooed. "You’re far too vibrant to fit that bill. But that old coot Roseluck, that’s a different story.” The jab put a thin smile on Derpy’s face as Rose continued her self-roast. “Why, I hear that she has nothing better to do than surround herself with flowers all day. Imagine the monotony!”
Ditzy’s lips cracked open at the ribbing, but soon snapped shut as she returned her gaze to the casket, creaking slowly over the finely packed dirt of New Marelearns’ massive town square. From her front, the sorrowful wails of a trumpet pierced the crisp morning air in staccato bursts. From behind, the equally intense sobs of a long line of mourners mingled with the music, providing a symphony of sadness for their funeral march.
The trumpet ceased. The rest of the band picked up the melody, much softer this time. An old, wrinkled unicorn stallion tilted his head back and loosed a few half-sung lines to some old, forgotten funeral tune.
Oh when I die, bury me
In my short legged britches, an’ a high top Stetson hat
Put a twenty bit gold piece on my watch chain
So all the colts'll know I died standin' pat.
A fine chill split her spine as the words sunk in. She felt like crying, just sinking down right there onto the cold earth and letting all those barely restrained tears flow. But she knew that couldn’t happen, not yet at least. She had to be strong, had to carry on for the rest of the group. If she couldn’t even keep a stoic face, who could?
Let her go, let her go, Sun bless her
Wherever she may be
She may search this wide world over
She'll never find a sweet colt like me.
The marchers made a lazy right turn into an old cemetery. A fine mist clung to the ground, refusing to be dispatched by the early morning sun. Layers of moss and filth swathed the crumbling headstones.
As they approached the center of the graveyard, a large white stone stuck out from the rest of the aged templates. It was obviously the newest addition to the yard. That was where the procession stopped. The carriage, casket in tow, halted just in front of a gaping hole in the earth. It pulled at the box, grabbed at it with snaking tendrils of fog.
I want sixteen crap shooters for pall bearers
Chorus mare to sing me a song,
Put a jazz band on my hearse wagon
Raise Halleluja as I roll along.
“Darn shame, the way she went.” Ditzy’s ears snapped to attention as she heard the voice. “So quickly, too.” The mystery pony leaned in just close enough to make her feel uncomfortable. “I hear that ‘er husband was so crushed that he went straight to the bottle when he got the news. Hardly had time to sober himself up before the funeral.”
“Let’s not talk bad about the mourners, ‘kay lady?” Ditzy snapped. How dare she be gossiping about him, after all he’s been put through?
The gossiper laughed. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be insultin’ the mourning none. Y’all just looked like ya needed some cheerin’ up.”
“Well, I’m not in the mood to be cheery. So sorry.”
“Fine then.”
The two returned to their stoic vigil, undisturbed by anything but the occasional bird flying overhead. “You know what?” The same mysterious pony raised her voice, slightly louder this time. Ditzy rolled her mismatched eyes and prepared herself for more mindless gossip. “I think a nice, peaceful walk in the park might cheer you up!”
Actually, Derpy thought, a little stroll did sound pretty nice. Anything to get out and breathe a little fresh air. “That sounds nice, Rose. I’ll go settle up and then we can get going.” Derpy scooted out of the chair and trotted up to a clearly bored mare working the cashier. “Hiya, what’s the damage for table six?”
The cashier huffed apathetically. “Let’s see... it’ll be sixteen bits, please.” Her words were slow, dripping out her mouth like warm molasses. Derpy felt all her energy draining just by talking to this mare. Slapping some coins onto the counter she turned and left, not wanting any part of the poor worker’s depress fest.
Walking through the door, she met up once again with Rose. In Derpy’s absence she had taken to conversing with a diamond-studded socialite, her shiny saddle clashing with the dirt beneath her hooves. “Oh Derpy!” She motioned enthusiastically. “I’d like you to meet my good friend and fellow florist, Chocolate Cosmos!” This new mare's name, however unusual, certainly matched her rich brown coat and mane to a “T.” For a moment Derpy wondered if she had been named for her color or the rare flower that bore the same name.
“Charmed, I’m sure.” Derpy was certain that if Chocolate Cosmos tried to stick her nose up any farther her head would roll right off her shoulders.
“Uh—yeah! Nice to meet you too.” One awkwardly refined hoofshake later, Derpy scooted over to Rose. In a hushed whisper she mumbled, “Who is this mare? She looks like she’s straight out of one of those ‘high society’ magazines.”
“Yes, she’s come all the way from Canterlot,” Rose spoke up, not wanting to keep her expensive new friend out of the conversation. “You see Derpy, Miss Cosmos is a collector of rare flowers.” Chocolate nodded in confirmation. “She’s come all the way down here to look for a new type of orchid that’s been found in the Everfree Forest. She saw my cutie mark, and we just struck up a conversation.” Rose turned her attention back to her fancy friend. “Isn’t that right?”
“Yes, indeed so. Miss Roseluck here really knows her flowers. In fact...” a thin smile spread across her lips as she scratched her chin, “I think that you and your knowledge of local flora may be a valuable asset in my search for those new flowers. What do you say Rose? Would you like to accompany my expedition tomorrow?”
So casual was her offer that it hardly registered for a moment. Finally Rose responded, “Wait. You want... me to help you?” She burst like a firework into fillylike laughs. “Of course I would, that would be so absolutely amazing!” Letting loose a barely restrained squeal, she began to prance around joyously before realizing that she was attracting more than her fair share of weird glances. Swallowing her excitement, she drooped her head in embarrassment and muttered, “Uh—I mean, yes. I would love to go.”
“Wonderful. We leave tomorrow at sunrise.” Chocolate Cosmos seemed completely oblivious to her new companion’s outburst. That or she was just being polite. “I’ll give you until then to settle your affairs. I shall look forward to seeing you tomorrow.” Turning on her hooves she threw a polite, “Ta ta,” over her shoulder and trotted off.
Derpy turned to her friend, who was currently hyperventilating. A half-crazed smile wormed its way onto Rose’s face, and she started giggling. “Uh, Rose? You okay? You look kinda out of it.”
“No, I’m fine!” She sprung back to life suddenly, her eyes wide with pure, unadulterated excitement. “This is simply wonderful! This could really put my name out there in the florist community!”
“There’s a florist community?”
“There’s a community for everything these days, Derpy. But who cares about that?” Rose started hopping around like Pinkie Pie on a sugar bender. “This will mean big things for me! I just need to go home and get ready—” Almost instantly her face snapped from tremendously happy to horribly guilty. “Oh no, I won’t be able to to take that walk with you!” The eyes that had just a moment ago shone with happiness now filled with remorse. “Derpy, I’m so sorry. I know I promised that we’d go, but—”
Derpy shushed her. “It’s okay. Go. We can always do it another day.” It hurt her a bit to say that (she was really looking forward to spending some quality time with her friend) but such a fantastic opportunity didn’t come around every day. There would always be another occasion.
Relief washed over the florist’s face in waves, accompanied by an understanding smile. “Thank you so much Derpy, you really are a great friend. Now,” she turned and practically skipped off, calling in a sing-song voice, “I have a flower hunt to prepare for!”
Derpy couldn’t help but laugh at her friend’s ridiculous antics. “Oh well,” she mumbled. “At least it’s a nice day out.” With that she set off at a brisk pace, her travel only interrupted by the occasional greeting from passersby.
In no time at all she found herself under the wrought iron arch that marked the entrance to the Ponyville Park. It was as tranquil and beautiful as it ever was; foalish laughter carried on the wind over the rolling green hills. The expanse of green was only interrupted by the occasional pockmark of trees or occupied park bench.
Following the path, she weaved expertly around towering oaks as she made her way deeper into the park. Her mismatched golden eyes shone in the light as she took in the beautiful sights and sounds. The way the gentle breeze rustled every last leaf in the trees surrounding her, making each one toss and turn uniquely, the staccato snap of twigs beneath her feet—
Wait. Wasn’t I just on a dirt path? A quick look down confirmed her fear: she had wandered off the path into the dense underbrush of the park. “Oh great, now I’m lost.” Looking around to try and get her bearings was a bust too. The trees that surrounded her were far too thick to give any hint as to where the path was located.
“Well, that’s just great. Now what? I can’t just stay here.” Mentally berating herself, Derpy started pacing madly in circles. Stupid, stupid, stupid! You got lost in a public park! How is that even possible? Maybe all those ponies who call you ‘dumb’ and ‘scatterbrained’ are right.
“No, they’re not!” She stomped indignantly into the soft earth. “I’m not dumb or scatterbrained!”
Oh please. You can’t even find your way out of a clump of trees.
“Rrr!” Shrugging off her inner pessimist's verbal assault, Ditzy tried her best to control herself. “Calm down... talking to yourself isn’t gonna get you out of here.” She shifted awkwardly, desperately scanning the dense underbrush for the tiniest hope of a way out. The jungle that trapped her seemed to go on forever in all directions with no noticable end in sight.
She might as well have been on the moon, the terrain was so alien. Monstrous patches of moss grew on everything, making the forest floor slick to the touch. Towering trees formed an insulating canopy that blocked any attempts at flight. The distant howls of some unknown beast echoed faintly through the trees.
“Let’s see...” Shrugging off her saddlebags, Ditzy sat herself down on a nearby rock and began to rifle through the pack. You don’t have enough food to just stay put, you have no idea if any of this vegetation is edible or not, you’re almost out of water, and all you have for navigation are a compass that doesn’t point north and a torn map. The last item drew a sharp sigh.
“What? How was I supposed to know I’d rip the thing? I’m not psychic.” The blinding panic had thankfully started to recede from the back of her head, and she managed to drag herself up onto her hooves without breaking down into a fit of hysterics.
“Okay... I was flying north when the storm hit... I lost direction after that. Then I hit the cloud bank and fell down at a steep angle and who am I kidding I’m totally lost." Despondently, she flopped down again, feeling the anxiety drop onto her chest like a bowling ball. “I’m never gonna get out. I’m gonna die in here.”
Her shining golden eyes looked up at the sky. If only I could fly out of here—
“Oh come on!” The crushing weight of panic fell forgotten off of her chest, replaced by a crushing weight of exasperation that made her shoulders droop like wilting flowers.
You forgot you’re a pegasus again, didn’t you.
“Shut up! I was distracted!”
By what? The deafening sound of your own incompetence?
“Quiet, you.” With a heavy sigh she unfurled her wings and launched herself up, kicking up a small cloud of dirt and debris as she shot into the early evening sky. The greenery of Ponyville Park lay under her, though now it was significantly less populated than before. Everypony must’ve gone home for the evening. She turned a wayward glance towards the sun. Yep, the sun is definitely setting. I should probably get going soon—Dinky will probably be wanting dinner soon enough.
“Look out!”
The scratchy feminine voice sliced through the air and physically knocked Derpy back. Pitching and rolling to try and regain her center of gravity, she mumbled, “What the hay? That sounds like Rainbow Dash.”
In affirmation of her thoughts a cyan streak shot up and into her face. “Derpy, you gotta get outta here. There’s a stray thundercloud on the loose and it’s zapping everypony that tries to get near it! It’s like it has a mind of its own!”
Well that wasn’t good. Errant thunderheads were serious business—every pegasi knew that much. Just being in the same area as one practically guaranteed a jarring zap, or worse. “Oh. Oh no. How’d it get loose?”
At this Dash grew a fierce blush, and for some reason refused to meet Derpy’s eyes. “Uh—well—I may have... you know... accidentallykickeditloose. But it wasn’t my fault!” she cried indignantly. “Look, it’s not important. All that matters is that we get it contained before it drifts over someplace important.”
“Like the town square?”
“Yeah, like the town square. That would be really bad.”
“Um, Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah?”
Derpy pointed a hoof towards the horizon, where an ominous black cloud was advancing menacingly towards the center of town. The only thing missing from its slow crawl towards disaster was dramatic theme music. “That wouldn’t be the cloud you’re all worried about, would it?”
If Dash’s eyes had bugged any more, they would have burst right out of her head. “Oh great.” Without a moment’s hesitation she flared her wings and shot off towards the fluffy menace, a determined grimace on her face. Wow, Dash sure is brave. Not wanting to be left out of the action, she began a lazy flight towards the cyan defender and her adversary.
I wish I could be like that. So brave, not caring at all of the possible consequences... “Oh.” She winced as she watched Dash take a bolt of lightning to the flank. ...Maybe heroism’s not all it’s cracked up to be. She cringed again as, in a valiant attempt to buck the cloud out of existence, Rainbow Dash took another jarring zap square to the face. “Now that just looks painful.”
As she neared, the smell of burning hair and damp fur wafted into her nostrils. The pervasive odor almost made her gag, but she scrunched up her nose and soldiered on into the danger zone. For the first time she finally noticed a rather large group of ponies on the ground, screaming and running about as if their lives depended on it. They must be all worried over the big cloud. I wonder if I can help. “Hey, Rainbow Dash! Can I help you? I'm really good at—”
“No!” Dash wailed. Turning toward Derpy, she continued, “Just get out of here before you get hurt! I don’t want anypony else getting zapped—ow!” In some cruel, ironic twist of fate, a stray arc of electricity chose that exact moment to send about one billion volts of current right into Dash’s body in an excruciating display of raw power.
The massive hit charred her fur and singed her mane a dull, charcoal black. Stray bolts of excess energy blossomed around her as she twitched in midair, frozen in pain as her body finally began to register the knockout blow. Derpy could only watch in shock as her boss and friend plummeted to the ground below, trailing a cloud of smoke as she descended. Mercifully, she managed to extend her wings and glide to a painful (but not entirely lethal) landing in some nearby bushes.
For a long moment, nothing moved. Derpy stared at her downed companion. The cloud stared at Derpy. The deathly silence hung thick in the air like a wool blanket, smothering any sound.
Slowly, Derpy shifted her mismatched gaze to the fluffy black perpetrator. It was only then she realized that, while she was frozen in the air gawking at her fried friend below, she had failed to notice herself drifting into the cloud’s airspace. By the time it registered that she was way too close to the roiling menace, it was too late.
The scene played out just like an old western. On one side floated the massive, churning storm cloud. On the other, Derpy—scared stiff and defenseless. For a split second, she could’ve sworn she saw a tumbleweed float by.
“Alright Mr. Cloud,” she finally managed. She put as much bravado into her voice as she could muster, but it was clearly evident by her shaking hooves and waning voice that she was still nervous. “Please leave my town alone. If you don’t I’m gonna have to kick you, or something.”
The cloud, being an inanimate mass of water, didn’t respond. Instead it just growled menacingly. Catching a crosswind at its back, it flew with ever increasing speed towards its frightened adversary. The wind blowing it sounded frighteningly similar to the mad cackle of a demon bent on destruction.
This is not going to end well. Derpy knew what she had to do. With a resigned sigh she braced herself for the inevitable collision, only hoping that she would be able to save the poor ponies below her. For a brief moment she pondered the extreme stupidity of her act. If the great Rainbow Dash couldn’t even stop the monstrosity, what hope did a bumbling simpleton like her have?
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. This definitely won’t hurt at all, you’ll be fine. Just then a stray bolt of lightning sliced through the air, barely nicking her foreleg and turning her fur to a blackened crisp. She winced.
“Yeah, this is going to hurt.”
Ditzy stared, her face hard as a stone, into the heart of the approaching fireball as it slowly consumed her field of vision, obscuring everything but the tremendous light threatening to sear her corneas. “Why does it always have to be asteroids? It couldn’t be something soft and small—no, it always has to be something big and scary!”
Said flaming ball of death ignored her jab at its weight and continued on its path of destruction. If I don’t stop this thing soon, it’s gonna destroy all of Ponyville! Don’t just stand there, destroy it!
“And destroy it I will!” she shouted, pumping her wings furiously and launching herself into the heart of the approaching inferno with reckless abandon. “You’ve hurtled through space for the last time!” Bringing herself to bear in front of the flaming ball of death, she opened her forelegs like she was going to give the space rock a hug. Wait, couldn’t I have just deflected it instead of trying to catch i—
Her thoughts were cut short as the huge rock slammed into her at terminal velocity, knocking the heroic pegasus back. She didn’t let go, though, and started pumping her wings like pistons, desperately trying to generate enough lift to propel the asteroid away. Her face twisted in determination and stress as she flexed hard against the flaming ball of debris. Gotta... save... Ponyville!
Her initial efforts weren't in vain. Several broad fissures opened in the asteroid’s surface. The whole thing shuddered as all its momentum was countered in the opposite direction. Loose chunks of debris broke off, spirling dangerously before burning up harmlessly.
Ditzy managed to peek behind her through clenched eyes to see the ground rapidly approaching. If she didn’t hurry up and stop it, the asteroid would crush her and all the townsfolk! No! Can’t let that happen! A mental image of Ponyville and all its inhabitants buried under a mountain of rock and dust gave her a fresh burst of vigor, and she flapped her exhausted wings even more.
By now she could feel the dirt below her kick up and bite at her wings. All she felt was her burning muscles and the superheated ball of rock that threatened to destroy her with its deadly weight. She was mere hooves from the ground now, slowly countering the rock’s momentum with her own raw power. She was so close to stopping it. All she needed was a few more seconds. The earth below came closer, and closer, and closer.
And then it stopped. She hung there for a split second, her push equal to that of the asteroid. The space rock just barely hit the weathervane on the nearest house, bending it at a slight angle. Ditzy almost almost wanted to fly over and right it—it was in her nature to repair the things she could, on account that she was usually the one causing the damage, not a giant flaming death ball from space. No, focus! You’re not done yet!
“Alright Mr. Giant Space Rock, it’s time to teach you a lesson about... um... not crushing things! Yeah!” You really need to work on your one-liners. Ignoring her failed joke, she flexed her legs and propelled the asteroid into the air. Before it had a chance to come back down and crush her flat she mustered up the last depleted reserves of her strength, and with a final, tearing scream bucked the rock with all her might.
Ditzy’s vision flashed red as the space rock cracked and collapsed in on itself, its core imploding with the heat of a new sun. With nothing to keep it stable it tumbled and turned awkwardly as it flew back into the sky, leaving behind a fiery tail.
Her mission accomplished, Ditzy collapsed to the ground, victorious. Her entire body was covered in soot and ash and scorch marks—evidence of her heroic battle. Slowly but surely the residents of town poked their heads out from their hiding spots. Mission... accomplished. Her wings were on fire, she couldn’t feel her front hooves, and she was blackened from head to toe. But she had done it.
“Woah. That was amazing!” A battered but alive Rainbow Dash shot up to the dazed Derpy. “You bucked that cloud out of here like nopony’s business!” Helping her up, the cyan pony pointed to a tiny blot on the distant skyline. “Look, it’s all the way over the Everfree by now!”
Ponies of all races quickly swarmed the bewildered hero like bees to honey. Their shouts of praise and thanks melded together in one loud hum that rattled Ditzy’s blackened ears. Cheers of, “My hero!” and “Our savior!" assaulted her, forcing her to take a step back.
“Uh—thanks everypony. Just doing my job and all.”
“Yeah, about that.” Rainbow Dash fought through the crowd and hovered right next to Derpy’s ear so she could be heard over the din. “That whole ‘making you leave work due to incompetence’ thing earlier? Yeah... I’m kinda—you know—sorry about all that.” She scratched the back of her head awkwardly, her magenta eyes refusing to meet Derpy’s own mismatched orbs. “That was kinda mean of me, and we’d all be glad if you came back tomorrow. Plus,” she leaned in uncomfortably close so only the two of them could hear, “I think I can get a bit of a bonus for you for—eheh—‘helping’ with that cloud. But don’t tell anypony!” Striking a fierce pose, she mouthed, “I have a reputation to keep up.”
The poor pegasus was dumbstruck. All this, just from kicking one cloud? Oh well, she certainly wasn’t going to complain. “Wow, thanks Rainbow Dash!” She turned to the crowd—her crowd, she reminded herself. “Thanks everypony! But I should probably go home and take a shower—you know, get all this soot offa me.”
The mob chuckled understandingly. They were nothing but nods and smiles as she backpedaled her way out of the impromptu mob towards her home. The entire way there, not a single pony she ran into didn’t stop to shake her hoof or congratulate her on a job well done. They really appreciate me! This must be what it’s like to be famous!
Each way she turned her head, she saw nothing but a the manic surge of the crowd flanking her. She broke into another huge, toothy smile, remembering the mayor’s shouted words. “All these ponies are here to celebrate you, Ditzy!”
“Really?”
“Yes, really!”
“Neato! Does that mean I get to ride in the carriage?”
Her smile would’ve gotten bigger, but it just wasn’t possible. Riding down Mane Street in a golden chariot pulled by the Royal Guard, throngs of residents flooding the streets to celebrate her, and Discord’s tail was that Princess Celestia?
Indeed it was the solar goddess that swept down at the head of the carriagecade, beaming a warm smile that radiated with a calming warmth. “Ditzy Doo, for your extraordinary actions in saving Equestria, it is my pleasure to award you the Solar Cross—the highest honor possible in Equestria. Congratulations.”
As the princess used her magic to lay a stunning golden medallion around her neck, she couldn’t help but liken it all to a fairy tale come true. She had succeeded where all others failed.
Ponies wouldn’t remember her as Ditzy the klutz, or Ditzy the scatterbrain.
They would remember her as Derpy the protector, Derpy the helpful.
Ditzy the brave, Ditzy the strong.
Derpy, the hero at last.
——
The End
Author's Note
Edited by the fabulous duo, Starfall and Maskedferret.
