The Word
A MLP:FiM Story
© 2012 by Walter Reimer
(MLP:FiM and characters are property of Hasbro, Inc.)
The day after her brother’s wedding to Princess Cadence, Twilight Sparkle was enjoying herself . . . well, as much as a hung-over unicorn can enjoy herself.
Being the bookish sort she was, that meant, of course, she was immersing herself in the Castle Archives.
All day.
She liked the silence of the place – just the perfect venue to nurse a hangover the general size and heft of an Ursa. Major, not Minor.
Twilight had to admit, her brother and new sister-in-law could throw one hay of a wedding reception.
The purple unicorn was reading yet another anthology of Starswirl the Bearded’s life (something she’d read before, countless times, so it was like a warm and familiar blanket to her alcohol-poisoned brain) when she heard a series of stout kicks followed by splintering wood, sounding not unlike Big MacIntosh felling a particularly large apple tree.
“Shhh,” she hissed, hear ears going flat against her head. “Whoever you are, this is a library!”
The kicking and the sounds of cracking timbers intensified, followed by a brief silence. Then, a booming sound as of a huge drum rattled around in her head and caused a sharp spike of pain to erupt at the base of her horn.
Twilight glowered and closed her book. “That . . . will be quite enough . . . of that,” she muttered, and went to deal with the miscreant who dared break the hallowed peace of the Archives.
It was a bit difficult to figure out where the sound was coming from, as each booming sound echoed among the stacks. She rounded a corner and gasped.
“Princess Luna?”
The Lunar Regent paused in mid-buck and straightened up. Scattered around her were fragments of wooden bookshelves. The books that had reposed on them lay strewn about the floor. A jeroboam of wine stood nearby, indicating that the Princess hadn’t slowed up much on her drinking since the reception. “Good morn to you, Twilight Sparkle. You look like Tartarus this fine day!”
There was no disputing the Diarch’s powers of observation. The unicorn fought through the haze of pain and the shock of seeing such blasphemy (Imagine! Just one of those books was worth at least everything in Ponyville!) and said, “Same to you, Princess.”
The dark-furred alicorn grumbled. “I have bid thee anon, Twilight, call me Luna,” and she turned to the wall she’d been kicking, sniffing at it as if it were something foul. “After all, we are now blood by marriage.”
“Ooookay, then. Luna?”
“Yes?”
“What the buck are you doing?”
“Is it not obvious?”
“Well, it’s obvious you’re trying to kick a hole in a wall. Those books deserved a better fate than to be buried under what’s left of their homes.”
“These?” and Luna touched one book’s spine with her hoof. “Pah. The true treasures are sealed in the vault beyond this wall, Twilight.”
This brought the unicorn scholar up short. She’d spent most of her life in the Archives, or at least it felt that way; she thought she’d seen all of the hidden repositories in the Castle. “Vault?”
“Yes. The Secret Archive.”
“Secret Archive?”
Luna gave Twilight a look. “Do you hear an echo? I think a drink is in order.” Her horn lit and the bottle floated over to her. The alicorn took a swig from it and offered it to Twilight. “By the looks of you, a drink is sorely needed.”
“I think I drank enough last night – or earlier this morning, now that I think of it.”
“Nonsense. Here, have a few splinters off the timber wolf that bit you.”
Twilight squinted at the label critically before taking the bottle from Luna’s grasp and taking a swallow of it. “That’s good stuff. Goes down smooth. Now, what about this archive?”
Luna chuckled. “A misnomer, truly. We called it an Archive to discourage curiosity. In truth, it is more of an armory.”
“Combat magic?” Twilight wasn’t very well-versed in the fighting arts, although she could hold her own so far against many of Equestria’s enemies. “If we’re going to have Changelings and Faust-knows-what else dropping by for tea, I might want to know some of that.”
“Good lass! Have a few more splinters and then lend me a hoof.”
Eventually the wood and plaster (and bricks marked with various runes that resembled very rude graffiti) was kicked or magically ripped away to reveal a door-shaped slab of featureless stone. The progress they’d made against the barriers was reflected in a sharp decrease in the amount of wine in the bottle. “Um, okay, here we are,” Twilight said, uncrossing her eyes for what seemed the sixth time. “How do we get in?”
“Cover thy ears.”
Twilight covered her ears.
The Lunar Princess leaned in close, breathed over the scarred stone, and whispered a single word.
The stone creaked, sank inward a fraction of an inch, then swung open, letting out dust and the musty smell of old parchment. “How long has this been sealed up?” Twilight asked.
“A thousand years, I’d wager,” Luna said, her speech slurring just a bit. Clearly she’d had a head start on her drinking for the day. “I expect Celestia closed it up after I – well, after I was banished. This armory saw some use in the war.”
Twilight’s horn lit, casting a pale glow inside and revealing racks of rolled parchments. She stared at the treasure trove, openly drooling without even realizing it. “Do – do you know what’s in there?” she whispered in awe.
“Oh yes. I wrote quite a few of them,” Luna boasted, buffing a hoof against her chest. “The best ones, though, were The Words.”
“What?”
“There are certain words that Tia and I . . . what’s the word now? A word for turning something into a weapon?”
“Weaponized?” Twilight asked helpfully.
Luna nodded, then staggered a bit as the alcohol demanded to know what she was doing. “That’s it! Weaponized, certain words were, to be used with the Royal Canterlot Voice. The Words could be used to strike fear into entire armies.”
“Ooooh . . . “ The thought intrigued Twilight, and she started to feel a bit damp. “Like ‘glue?’”
Luna giggled. “Heard that one, aye? We used to use it to interrogate ponies. Since you know it, it’s probably been defused.”
“Defused?”
“Sorry, diffused. Its power is spent after so many years. There was one, though – “
“What was it?”
Luna caught herself. “No, I don’t think I should tell you.” Her horn glowed and another bottle of wine appeared. A brief spark, and the cork flew out. “Let’s have another drink.”
“We’re not going inside?”
“What would you rather do?” Luna asked with a giggle. “Stay out here while the place airs out, or suffocate?”
Twilight considered. “Give me that bottle.”
“Good! You can tell me something about my dear niece Cadence and your brother – something I don’t know about.”
Perhaps an hour later, the original bottle was quite empty and the second jeroboam’s contents were swiftly going to Where Wine is Eternally Blessed. Luna and Twilight were rolling about on the floor amid priceless books, giggling like idiots.
“A jest, for certain!” Luna finally gasped out. “The entire hoofball team? Before the game?”
“I swear it’s the truth!” Twilight said. “He told me himself.” She hiccupped, causing another fit of giggles.
“I would never have guessed,” Luna said.
“Like I said, he swears it’s the truth. The whole Los Pegasus hoofball team tried to bully the Canterlot University team, and he shoved the whole bunch of them off the field, the bullies. The coach was impressed at the shield spell – and Shinininining Armor only sixteen at the time.” Twilight took a deep swallow of wine in order to quell her hiccups. It almost worked. “C’mon, Lu.”
“What, Twi?”
“Gimme one of those Words you were talking about.”
The alicorn blinked bleary eyes at her, then staggered to her hooves. “Only alicorns can use ‘em.”
“That’s selfish.” Twilight’s lower lip jutted in a very unseemly pout.
“’Struth,” the Princess of the Moon said, blinking owlishly. “Only alicorns can use ‘em, since only alicornnnnnns . . . like me . . . can say it the rrrright wayyyy . . . “ She started swaying dangerously. “An’ we’re immmm . . . mmm . . . muuuu . . . “
“You’re cows?”
“No, dammit! We’re, whaddayacallit, immune, that’s it! Immune.”
“So go ahead on,” Twilight slurred. “What are ya, chicken? Buck-buck-buck . . . Luna’s a chicken . . . “
“Oh, hohohohoho.” Luna swayed in time to her laughing. “You ashked for it now.” She braced herself and closed her eyes in concentration as Twilight sat looking up at her. The unicorn always loved a demonstration of magic unknown to her.
The alicorn’s horn lit up in a cascade of bright white and indigo sparks. Her eyes opened, blazing pure white as she drew a breath . . .
And Spoke.
Dust flew out around Luna in a ring as the shock front of the Word spread outward. It struck Twilight, who promptly screamed in terror and huddled into a fetal position, whinnying incoherently.
Impelled by the Royal Canterlot Voice and Luna’s power, half-sozzled as she was, the wave-front of the Word spread outward from the Castle, affecting every pony in a fifty-mile radius. Pegasi fell from the air, wings outstretched in an instinctive reflex to ensure a gliding landing that, while capable of injury, would not kill; unicorns saw their magic sputter and die and earth ponies huddled close to the land.
Twilight convulsed in fear, feeling her guts knot and clench in terror.
This had an all too-natural reaction that was mimicked by every pony affected by the Word.
In short, prodigious pony poop piles presented themselves.
*****
Later that night, Princess Celestia surveyed the Throne Room. It had been carefully cleaned, and every window was opened.
Yes, even the ones that weren’t supposed to open.
There was still a certain air about the place, and it didn’t help her mood any. Of course, it hadn’t been Luna’s fault that her sister was discussing the aborted Changeling invasion with the High Council as well as the Stable of Nobles when the wave front had passed through.
Just as it hadn’t been Luna’s fault, or Twilight’s, that Duke Windsoar had had all that fresh fruit for breakfast.
Princess Luna and Twilight Sparkle sat near the base of the dais leading up to the thrones as the Sun Princess rifled through the stack of papers levitating before her. “We’ve been getting reports from everywhere that weapon struck,” she said evenly. “The mess is horrendous – let alone the smell!” The snow-white alicorn shook her head. “The only good thing about this is we won’t need fertilizer for the next few years.”
She looked up sharply as her younger sister snickered. “Luna.”
“Yes?”
“What in Faust’s name possessed you to seek out the Armory?”
“Just in case Chryssie-poo should decide to come back,” Luna replied, her usual starlit mane drooping a bit.
“And you drank the last two big bottles of the ’37.”
“She helped.” Luna pointed a hoof at Twilight, who looked the most contrite of the pair. She also looked a bit weak in the knees, having absolutely ruined a seven hundred year-old book.
“That’s beside the point,” Celestia said with a touch of asperity. “I was saving that for my birthday.”
“There’s always the ’38 – “
“That’s not the point, and you know it, Lu. Stop trying to change the subject. The press is going insane with this. They’re calling the entire incident ‘Chrysalis’ Revenge.’”
Luna put a hoof to her chin and considered. “Clever. See here, Tia, we need those combat spells. It’s not exactly sweetness and light everywhere, and our enemies aren’t damned likely to attack us with petunias.”
Celestia glowered, a very unusual and frightening expression on her face. Twilight meeped like Fluttershy and huddled a bit closer to the tiled floor, fighting with all her might to keep her sphincter shut. Being so close to the Word when it was uttered had had a side-effect that, although temporary, nonetheless required her to wear a diaper until it wore off.
It was necessary, yes, but humiliating nevertheless.
“There is also the matter of the bill.”
“The bill, sister?”
“Yes, the cleaning bill. We're getting cleaning bills from everypony within fifty miles. What with defense expenditures and cleaning up all that green muck left behind from the invasion, there’s not enough discretionary funding to cover this. I’ll have to take it out of the Civil List.”
Luna blinked. “The Civil List? You mean – “
“Yes, dear sister. It’s coming out of your allowance. Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yes, Princess?”
“My dear student.”
“Um . . . “ When her mentor adopted that tone, she knew something was bad.
“The stipend you receive as the Ponyville librarian will be garnished.”
Both mares, alicorn and unicorn, looked stricken. Celestia allowed the silence to linger a bit, then smiled. “However, I can suggest an alternative.”
Twilight and Luna looked at each other. Luna said, “Name it.”
“The two of you will assist the staff in cleaning the rest of the Castle.”
Two lower jaws hit the floor. The Castle itself had over three hundred rooms!
“Take it or leave it.”
They took it.
As the chagrined pair departed the Throne Room in search of rubber hoof covers and cleaning materials, Celestia jotted a short note to herself to have all mention of the Word ‘Blucher’ erased from the Archives.
end
