Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps

Chapters

Ponies ahoy! (big american prologue)
I am a princess!
Terrorist activities
Special eyes
Laser duel
Behold, blessed slaughter
Eugoogalizer
Army of Halos
Halo party
Crunchy yet satisfying
Good, clean forest fun

Ponies ahoy! (big american prologue)

If you haven't read this, you probably won't know what the fuck is going on... Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic

You either die humping, or you live long enough to see yourself get humped.

"I'm home!" I shouted as I pushed open the front door to my suburban house. I placed my hat up on a rack and set down my brief case as I entered, glad to finally be home after another long day at the office. I stepped into the living room to see Humples, my daughter, lounging on the couch texting on her phone that the kids were all into these days. As soon as she turned twelve she begged me until I got one for her, and it seems like she hasn't put it down since... That was years ago...

"Hey Humples. How was school today?" I asked in an attempt to start a conversation.

She continued to text for a few seconds before registering that I said something and looking up with her half-halo, half-pterodactyl-space-dragon head. "What?" She asked after a second.

"How was school?" I asked again.

"IDK. It was alright, I guess..." She trailed off as she went back to texting mid sentence. I realized once again that trying to talk to her is futile, and I continued into my bedroom. Once inside I undid my tie and threw it across the bed. I was far too tired to care about paltry things like organization. After a moment I joined it, laying visor first across the mattress. Too tired to even get up to turn off the lights, I just laid there thinking of the same things I always do.

"What am I doing with my life?" I mumbled to myself as I thought about how my life had progressively gone down hill over the years. I used to be so young and full of spunk. Now I have all this responsibility and stuff. Responsibility sucks! Who thought it was a good idea? Whoever invented responsibility deserves an open-palmed slap to the face.

I blame my stupid kids. Always expecting stuff without giving anything in return. Well that's not entirely true, they give me grief and frustration. Kids... Can't live with them, can't break their necks because there are laws against murder. Being a single dad sucks. Why did Ridley have to leave me?

Well, I know why she did. After a few years she got frustrated with taking care of a family and she missed her job as a pterodactyl-space-dragon. She didn't want us to hold her down anymore or something like that. Then one day she just up and left to go fight Metroid man in space, leaving me to take care of the kids. Then I had to get a shitty job to pay the bills...

At least the kids are almost grown up. Facerape and Buttrub already have jobs and shit, so I hardly ever see them. They only come to me when they need my help with something. Hopefully soon they'll leave forever and I can go back to my old life of killing and humping.

If only... That's never gonna happen. This dimension is nothing like that old one. There's a society and laws and other stupid shit. I mean, I could go on a rampage or something. Maybe go to a mall and murder the fuck out of a ton of innocent civilians and then hump them all, but then the SWAT team would bust in and wreck my shit. Then I'd be the one getting humped...

I really don't want to get humped by the SWAT team...

Even that pony world had more stuff to hump than here. I humped at least a hundred bug ponies, and I was only there for a few days... Not to mention the ponies were pretty nice. They taught me how to sleep and everything!

I sighed to myself as I shook those memories out of my head. I'll never get to go back, I just need to accept that. With that thought, I finally drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the good old days with Bungie.

"Wake up, Chief. I need you."

The first thing I noticed was that it was really cold. Like, extremely cold. My room is never this cold! I grunted and shook my head slightly as my eyes opened.

"Chief! Easy, you've been out for a while."

What the fuck, this isn't my room! "Where am I?" I demanded from the voice. It seemed to be coming from some blue babe on the other side of the room.

"We're still adrift on the dawn." She stated. Like I know what the fuck that means...

"Who the hell are you? What's going on?" I asked, hoping to get right to the point.

She ignored my questions, though. "Hang on. Bringing your systems online now. I rewrote your suits firmware while you were out."

"Bitch, answer my questions!" I demanded, but once again got ignored.

"Activating the ship's gravity generators."

Another computerized voice blared through some speakers. "Partial system restoration. Initializing system diagnostics..." Suddenly a bunch of stuff fell from the ceiling as the artificial gravity apparently turned on.

"Chief - look up." Commanded the blue chick. Apparently I'm a chief. I didn't even know I had any native american heritage. Maybe I'm part Asstech! Get it? Because Aztec, and I have a robot butt... My jokes haven't gotten any better over the years... "You need to pull the manual release."

I looked up and, sure enough, there was a lever there. I was about to not do that, just to show her she can't tell me what to do, but then I remembered that she's just across the room. I can just open this thing up and them pimp slap her into submission for ignoring my questions. I reached up and pulled the lever down, opening the glass hatch in front of me.

I stood up and was about to rain sweet justice on her bitch ass, when suddenly three more of those pod things opened up too. Out of each one came an olive green halo, and they all had the same armor. "Oh great, same fags..." I stated unhappily.

"Eat a dick." Responded one of the other halos. The group of them all walked up next to the pedestal where the blue chick was standing, so I moved in to join them.

"Seems like old times." She stated, seemingly unaware of the hell I was about to bring. I guess she's used to being surrounded by four men. If you know what I mean...

I pushed past the other halos and swung a mighty back handed pimp slap at her, strong enough to put even the heartiest of hoes in their place, but it just passed through. "What?" I questioned as I tried again, and again. Finally I gave up and turned to the other halos. "What is this witchcraft?!"

"That's Cortana. She's like, a robot, or something." Responded one of them.

"No." Argued another. "She's not a robot, she's a ghost! See how stuff passes through her."

"Not-uh. Ghosts are purple, she's blue." He argue back, using flawless logic.

"Shut your dirty, flapping mouths." I called out before they could continue bickering, getting all of their attention. I wanted some answers and arguing would only delay that. "Alright, she's a magical ghost robot." I compromised.

"Why is she magic?" Questioned the third one. "No one said anything about magic."

What, is this halo full of stupid or something? "How is she not magic? I mean, there's no way your science can explain that!" I pointed to the magical female ghost robot floating in the air. "Besides, almost everything is magic..."

"He has a point..." Agreed one of the other halos. "Like this one time, I saw some guy doing card tricks. My mind was greater than or equal to blown."

I nodded in consent. How do card tricks even work? No way that's not magic! "Anyone know what's going on here?"

Thankfully, one of the halos in the group was a big huge lorefag. "Don't worry, I'm Master Chief, the greatest halo ever. We're on my space ship and we just came out of cryosleep." He explained.

"Bull shit!" Yelled one of the other halos. "I'm Master Chief!"

"Not-uh!" Argued the third one. "That's what I am, not you!"

"If you're Master Chief, then why is that what I am? Can you explain that?" At this point I noticed my arms. Instead of being covered in my sexy purple armor, they were coated in some lame olive green stuff. I looked down at the rest of my body and noticed that it looked just like the other three halos' armor. But that could only mean one thing...

"Shiiiiit!" I called out, getting the other halos' attention. "I think I'm Master Chief." The blue chick did call me 'chief'.

"NO!" They all yelled at the same time before going back to arguing.

All this arguing is counter productive... I really aughta' do something about that. Luckily, I know exactly how to get to the bottom of this. "May I have your attention please?" One of them looked over, but the other two were still arguing. "May I have your attention please?" They finally stopped and looked at me.

"Will the real Master Chief please stand up?" Everyone remained standing. "I repeat, will the real Master Chief please stand up?" Once again, everyone was standing. "We're gonna have a problem here..." Well that didn't work. How could we all possibly think we're each Master Chief? Then it became so clear, we all look the same after all.

"Guys..." I called out, once again getting their attention. "This is purely theoretical... But what if... Just bear with me here... We are all Master Chief...?"

They all looked at me like I was crazy. At least, I assume that's how they looked at me. It's surprisingly hard to read someone's expression when they're wearing a helmet. Then again, I don't think halos wear helmets. We're just robots. I think... But, we eat and stuff which would imply that we are living... Perhaps we're cyborgs. Yes, that explains everything!

"I don't think-" One of them was about to argue, but got interrupted.

"Actually, that kinda makes sense. Hear me out here. We all look the same, and we all think we're Master Chief. So, we must all be Master Chief." Try as they might, the other two halos couldn't find a problem with that argument. With that out of the way, we were finally able to move on.

"So what in Bungie's name are we gonna do now?" I asked, hoping it involved killing and humping.

"Bungie?" Questioned the same halo that I previously confirmed to be a lorefag. "You mean 343?"

Needless to say, I was confused. "No, I'm talking about Bungie, our lord and creator..."

"343 created us. 343 is god!" I was slightly offended, but perhaps 343 is another word for Bungie. Either way, I'm not about to get into a religious debate with this weirdo. I'm a firm believer that all halos were created by Bungie in his image and that he sent his only son in the form of aliens for us to kill.

"Anyway... What are we gonna do now?" I asked again.

Cortana, AKA stupid bitch face, answered that for us. "We've got intrusion alerts lighting up on multiple decks. Our best bet to figure out who's boarding us is the observation deck - four floors up."

The other Master Chiefs and I turned to each other as it became painfully obvious that it was alien killing time. We all nodded, not needing to speak at all as we ran out of the room, assault rifles in hand.

I don't want to bore you with all the details, but from there we went on an amazing adventure. One that involved killing hundreds of aliens, ancient human robots, and even some humans. Admittedly, it was me who killed all the humans. I mean, why would Bungie make them exist if he didn't want us to kill them? That's what being a halo is all about, killing everything! I even tried to teach them how to tea-bag.

But, like all adventures, it eventually came to an end. After setting up a bomb or something and killing Cortana (thank Bungie, that bitch was annoying), I found myself reborn as a very different halo. My armor was all different, and I could actually change my color! Of course, I instantly turned it lavender with dark purple highlights. Purple is a man's color, and as the name would suggest, I am a man!

After that, the passage of time became impossible to keep track of. I got teleported into random closed off battlefields and killed halo after halo, game after game. It was just like old times.

And that brings us to the present. I spawned in on fagnarok, or ragnacock, or whatever it's called. All you need to know is that it's a big grassy place with a river and hills and halo bases. So basically every halo map. I was bored so I was doing some infinity slayer. Much like regular slayer, but after about a minute everyone starts spawning in tons of power weapons and it gets really stupid.

The first thing I did was run towards where the sniper rifle spawned, but some idiot on my team got it first. I'm not a big huge sniper fag, but I've found that most of the other halos are terrible at everything they do. That includes sniping, so I usually try to pick it up since I'm slightly less terrible. At least, I'd like to think I am...

I sighed in frustration as I saw him put it on his back and run through the lift that launched him into the middle of the map. Something I learned as a halo is the only time you go through lifts is when you want to die. Mainly because most of them launch you into really stupid places. Oh well, I'm sure the rest of the team isn't complete shit...

That thought barely left my massive brain meats when I spotted one of my teammates driving the Mantis, AKA a big mech warrior/gundam, to the top of the hill. "No way he's that stupid..." I said to myself, hoping that he wouldn't be dumb enough to make the same mistake every halo makes when they get in it.

Two seconds later he walked to the top of the big hill in the middle and got hit by a spartan laser, resulting in his timely death via explosion. I can't say I didn't see that one coming. At least we still have our banshee... Less than a second later it exploded as someone nailed it with a rail gun. I look over to see my teammate with a smoking rail gun in hand. "Oh come on!" I yelled out. Why is my team always so bad?

Come to think of it, pretty much everyone is bad... Perhaps it's just that other halos have a fetish for getting in vehicles and exploding. I don't know... Perhaps I'm just being cynical.

Deciding not to brood on how terrible everyone else is at everything, I started to head out of the base. I was careful to stay in cover as much as I could. If you go into the open for even a second you just get slaughtered by DMR's from across the map. For some reason, aiming guns is really easy now... Not like in the old days when there was bloom...

I got about halfway across the map when I saw a blue halo running around in the open. He obviously wasn't very smart. No more than four bullets later and he was a blue corpse. Sadly I couldn't hump him from here. A corpse without a hump is like a Bambi's mom without a bullet through the head. What I mean to say is, it's just not right.

Then I saw something on my motion detector. I quickly switched on my super prediderp vision, or promethean vision if you'd prefer, and spotted him running around below the small cliff I was on in the river like a big idiot. He was dead before he hit the ground... I jumped down onto his body, humping him into submission and absorbing his delicious DMR bullets into my body.

Sadly, I wasn't able to sit there humping him all day, as I heard a very familiar sound. The sound of an incoming ghost! No, not Cortana! She's a magical robot ghost, that's different. She's also dead! Then again, that should just make her a double ghost, but I digress.

I turned towards the small purple vehicle and pulled out my plasma pistol, AKA the EMPeePeePuncher. I scratched that into the side of it. Now everyone knows about my #Legithaloswag. I usually use the bolt shot, since it's dumb and over powered, but on a big map like this with lots of vehicles having an EMP is more useful. I also have some plasma grenades for the same reason.

I charged it up, ready to unleash a ball of green plasma onto the enemy ghost which was coming right at me. "Eat lasers you son of a church!" I was about to fire, when I noticed that the plasma pistol wasn't the only thing glowing, which was confusing, to say the least. I looked at my arms, instantly forgetting the vehicle that was after my nuts. "Wha-" I managed to say before the ghost impacted with my chest. It exploded, not even harming me in the least bit.

My gaze continued down to see my whole body now glowing an eery green color. The last time this happened I teleported to a land full of magical, colorful ponies... Oh... The light continued to brighten, engulfing my vision, and I suddenly felt very light headed. I fell down, splashing into the river. Thankfully I'm not an infant, or I'd probably drown. Then again, halos are capable of drowning instantly if fully submerged in water. Probably because we're cyborgs and everybody knows those don't like water.

Luckily, that didn't happen, though. After a short bout of weightlessness, I felt myself lying against the ground, trying to blink away the light that had assaulted my eyes.

"I think something went wrong..."

"This isn't Halo man at all!"

"Shhh shhh. I think he's waking up, we'll just introduce ourselves like last time and it should be alright."

Wait! I recognize those voices! No doubt it's the ponies. The last one sounded like princess Celery... No, that's not correct. Whatever, close enough. I know it starts with a 'C'. After a second I was able to get my vision back and I pushed myself up off the white, marble floor.

The ponies all took a step back as though I would suddenly attack them, except Celery who fixed her eyes on my visor. "Hello, I'm princess Cel-."

"Yeah yeah, I know." I cut her off. I wasn't really mad at her, but she did send me to the wrong dimension... I at least owe her a strongly worded letter.

"Halo man?" She questioned, seemingly recognizing my sexy and awe-inspiring voice. How could anyone forget it? Whenever I talk it's like having your ears gently caressed by the loving proboscis of a giant wasp- wait... No... I meant to say 'by an angel'.

"Yep, that's me. Who were you expecting?" I asked jokingly. The other ponies calmed down once they realized it was me. In fact, they seemed excited.

"For a second there, I thought we got the wrong halo." Said Celer- I really shouldn't have cut her introduction off. Now it's going to be really embarrassing if I need to say her name. "You look different." She continued.

I looked down and, sure enough, I do look kinda different. I mean, my armor is the same purple color, but it looks all weird. The design is all different. I also had to replace my unicorn emblem with a regular pony emblem... It's just not the same... Next, I had a stupid red visor. All I want in life is a rainbow visor so I can look and feel like a sex lord. Or even a magenta visor...

"Yeah, well it's been like 20 years. Things change." I answered back, though that's not entirely true. I looked entirely the same until quite recently.

She looked fairly confused by that. Thankfully the ponies don't wear helmets all the time so I can actually read their facial expressions. "You've only been gone for a little over four months..." She stated.

What? Well I suppose that explains why none of the ponies look old now. Then again, they could all be immortal for all I know. "For serious?" I finally asked.

"Ummm. Yeah." The princess said, seemingly not familiar with my hip lingo. Though, talking like that probably went out of style ten years ago, but they don't have to know that.

"Well I guess time worked differently where you sent me." It's the only logical explanation. "Speaking of which, I'm not very happy with you right now." I said, pointing at her and her sister menacingly.

"Haha... What are you talking about?" She asked before donning an awkward smile. I can practically taste her guilt!

"You know what you did. You sent me to the wrong dimension!" I yelled, flailing my arms dramatically to further prove my irritation.

"What?" She asked in what would sound like shock to the untrained ear, but I know better. She knows what she did! "I could have sworn we got the spell to send you back right. I hope we didn't send you anywhere too horrible."

Too horrible?! Do they even comprehend how much responsibility I had? It was like torture! At least they didn't send me to the nightmare chainsaw dimension... "It was pretty bad..." I grumbled remembering this one time I had to change Facerape's diaper. I'm pretty sure part of my soul died on that day.

"Oh..." Was all she managed to say. What followed was a long awkward silence where no one wanted to say anything. Eventually, I got bored of the silence and spoke up.

"So I assume you summoned me here for a reason..."

The princesses looked relieved that the awkwardness had been lessened slightly, and the white one even graced me with a smile. "Of course. But we should go somewhere more private to discuss this." She motioned for me and the other ponies to follow and I reluctantly did.

Oh great... More pony adventures... That's just what I need... Then again, it could be fun.

Hey guys, Ethesto all up in here. I finally typed this! Yay! I thought I'd clarify that this takes place in Halo 4 whereas the last part took place in Halo Reach. It'll be pretty obvious why later on, but I thought people might be confused about that.

Spoiler alert: Snape kills Cortana!

I am a princess!

Hey, have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and then humped until you PISSED BLOOD?!

And so we walked, following the big white pony princess into another room. But like adventures, so too must all walks eventually come to an end. It's regrettable just how short said walk was, but in the end, the memories will live on.

What the hell am I saying? I hate walking. Normally I sprint around everywhere.

Anyway, we eventually went into a small room with a large wooden table dominating most of the floor and took a seat around it. They even remembered a big ol' chair for me. Not that I'm fat or anything... There was also a platter of what looked like delicious pastries left over by the castle slaves. I was about to help myself to one, but by then it was already too late. Pinkie Pie had already devoured the lot of them. There was no mercy...

A solitary tear rolled down my visor as I thought of all the pastry children that would be forced to grow up without a parent now. Of course, I wiped it away before anyone could see.

As of yet, none of the ponies other than Celery had said anything. I recall them being quite talkative, especially Pinkie. Perhaps they just want to let the princess do the talking... Well screw that. If I'm gonna be spending time in pony world than I'm talking to colorful ponies! I decided to get this conversation underway in the only way I know how.

"So, what's up everybody?" Thankfully, the lot of them finally spoke up, giving me various 'hellos' and very literal descriptions of what is up. Even Luna said something! Once they were all done with that, I cleared my throat to let them know it was time to get down to business.

"Alright ponies. I think it's high time I get an explanation as to why you summoned me. I assume you want me to once again commit mass murder in your name. That's what I'm good at after all."

The two princesses shared a look, seemingly having a silent conversation, before turning back to me. Of course, Celery was the one who spoke. "Not exactly. I'll just start from the beginning. About two and a half months ago we started getting strange reports from all the nearby countries. Namely the gryphon empire and the various diamond dog warrens. Normally they each keep to themselves and are fairly peaceful, but there's been reports of skirmishes between them."

"Not just that, but government officials from the gryphon empire are going missing. We're estimating about two dozen disappearances so far. Because of this, they've all grown extremely paranoid and have begun fighting amongst themselves. We have gotten a few reports from Zebrica saying similar things are happening there and we can assume something is happening with the diamond dogs as well. The problem is we still have no idea who or what could be responsible for this and we can't simply move in to investigate ourselves unless they ask for our help. Going in uninvited would just cause more problems."

"Alright, that's all cool and all, but I fail to see how this involves me. If you expect me to go fight multiple armies by myself you're going to be sorely disappointed." Sure I've fought like a trillion zillion aliens, but I always had more guns and halos backing me up then. At the moment all I have is what I brought with me.

"No, no. Nothing like that." Celery assured. "We're afraid that whatever is affecting all those other countries will eventually move to Equestria. We've tightened security and done everything we could in that regard, but we want something to fall back on in case something happens."

"You certainly proved yourself useful the last time you were here." Pointed out Luna.

"And we'd like you to help with defense if the time comes." Finished Celery.

I gave them the best blank stare I could, but I quickly gave up since the visor ruined it. "So you brought me here to once again fight your battles?"

Celery gave an awkward smile at that, but was quick to correct me. "Hopefully we won't need you to fight any battles. We just brought you here hoping you could help us. If you don't want to, we can just send you back to your dimension."

Bull shit! They'll probably screw up again and send me to some random dimension full of hentai tentacle rape monsters. I've seen enough jokes about hentai to know that I don't want that. I looked around the room at the various ponies, all of which had hopeful looks on their faces. I can't possibly say 'no'. If I do they'll just turn the full fury of those huge soul-rending eyes on me. I don't think my old decrepit heart can take that...

I gave the best overdramatic sigh I could manage before answering. "I feel like I don't have much of a choice in the matter, but I'll help you."

"That's grea-" Began Celery, only to be interrupted by me.

"Under several conditions." I finished. Haha! Now I had them roped! No way they'll turn down me requests!

Celery thought about it for a second, then nodded. "Ok. What are your conditions?" Oh shit! I didn't think this far ahead. Ummmm, what could I demand from them? Oh, I know.

"First off, I don't want to stay in the castle."

"Ummmm... Why?" Asked Luna.

"Several reasons. For one, the design is horrible. Who thought it would be a good idea to build a castle on a solid cliff face. Not very smart if you ask me. I want to be somewhere else when this whole place inevitably collapses. It's also extremely boring here. Last time I was only here for like three days and already I wanted to rip my own face off in boredom by the time I left. Please don't make me rip my face off. Please don't."

"It's not boring." Argued Luna, but her sister hushed her by laying a hoof lightly on her back. They shared a glance for a few moments, before both grew huge smiles and turned back to me. Now I'm sure they speak telepathically...

"I think that can be arranged. I'll get the paperwork filled out and you can go to Ponyville with the girls tomorrow morning." Ponyville? Who names these places?

"Really?!" Asked Pinkie as she hopped up onto the table. "This is going to be so much fun! I can throw him a 'welcome to Ponyville' party. Then I can throw him a 'welcome to Ponyville party part 2'." Sweet, I don't even know what Ponyville is, but getting two parties? Sign me up!

"Ummm, not to be rude, but why Ponyville? Couldn't he just stay in Canterlot? It's closer to the castle, after all." Asked the always curious Twilight.

"Yes, but Ponyville is much more interesting." Argued Celery, only to get a deadpanned expression from her sister. "And if he's in Ponyville he can protect you if anything happens..." She added.

"Well that sounds like a gay ol' time, but there's actually something I wanted to do while I was at the castle." I got up out of my chair and was about to walk away when one of the ponies spoke up.

"What are you possibly going to do?" Questioned Luna. She just wants to question everything I do today now doesn't she? I turned and gave her the best answer known to man.

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret now would it?" Check mate Luna!

"You never said it was a secret in the first place." She countered.

"Then consider yourself warned!" I countered back. My responses don't have to make sense, shut up!

Celery just rubbed the bridge of her snout in annoyance, not even caring to point out how badly I'm reflecting Luna's questions. "Do whatever you want... Do you need a guide around the castle?"

"Pssst. A guide? I know these halls like the back of my hand." What the hell does the back of my hand look like? "Halos never forget, Celery. Remember that." I said while turning away. I was halfway out the door when I realized my mistake. I turned around to see a slightly confused princess.

"Celery?" She asked.

You can do this Halo man. Just make something up. You're the best lier around! "Yes. Celery. That's your nickname because... You have green in your hair. Just like celery. I definitely didn't forget your name or anything... That would just be ridiculous." The blank stares I got from all the ponies told me that my lies were successful and that they were 100% convinced. "K. Bye!" I shouted as I practically sprinted out the door. I really dodged a bullet there.

I couldn't help but chuckle at my own cleverness as I walked down the hall. Her hair is green just like celery... Haha, stupid ponies will fall for anything. Thankfully I'm really smart, or that could have been really awkward. They even forgot that I said I have more conditions. Mainly because I haven't thought of any more yet.

I continued walking for a few minutes before I realized that I have no idea where the hell I am.

After literally three hours of wandering aimlessly and a whole lot of bad jokes, I finally made it to my destination. The dungeons! I had never actually been there before, so I pretty much just walked around until I found it. Once there, I found myself disappointed. I was expecting something more dreary and dungeonesque. This just looked like another tower on the castle. The only indication that this was the right place was the pair of guards outside the door and the little sign saying 'dungeon'.

I walked over and pushed the door open, I attempted to anyway. The door was locked and the guards quickly pulled out spears and pointed them at my neck. They didn't have those last time I was here...

"You're not allowed in there!" Said one in a gruff voice. "Only the princesses and guards are allowed in there."

I gently pushed the tip of his spear away with one finger while I contemplated exactly how to go through with this. Finally, I got a really good idea. "I am a princess." I stated calmly. "Now let me in."

He didn't even laugh, he just stared at me like I was retarded. That look hurt more than any spear ever could... "You're not a princess."

"If I'm not a princess, then how come I'm so damn sexy?" I asked. My logic is impeccable.

The guard looked me up and down before shaking his head. "You're not." Oh like he knows anything about what's sexy? I am the epitome of sexy. When you look up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary, there's a picture of me there. Actually, that's probably not true, but you get the point.

Seeing that my tactics thus far have been less than successful, I decided to take a different approach. "Were you here four months ago?" I asked.

This time, the other guard answered. "Yeah, you killed all those changelings. Almost everypony in Canterlot saw it."

I nodded, glad that he recognized my splendor, even if my armor is slightly different. "Good, so you can imagine what I'm going to do to you if you don't let me through these doors. Namely, I'm going to disembowel you." I threatened. He gulped shakily, but the other guard held his fearless gaze.

"Are you threatening a royal guard?" He asked as though it wasn't completely obvious.

"I prefer to think of it like a free forchain telling. Not that I wish to imply that I'm a gypsy or a psychic. I would never stoop so low."

He continued giving me a stupid look with his stupid face. Finally he decided to flap his stupid mouth. "You're not allowed in here. I suggest that you leave before I get my superiors and you wind up in a cell of-" He was cut off as I smacked him across the jaw. He instantly fell to the ground, clutching his face in pain. Perhaps I smacked too hard.

I turned to the other guard who was now poking me repeatedly in the side of the head with his spear. "You want a fat lip too string bean?" Instead of answering he continued to poke me, so I slapped the spear away. "Now can you open the door?" Sadly, he seemed intent on not being cooperative, and instead of opening the door he ran off. Probably to get more guards...

"Whatever! I didn't need you anyways!" I called after him before turning to the large wooden door in front of me. Like I give a shit about locks. I eat locks for breakfast. Dreadlocks! Actually no, that would be really gross. "Super halo kick!" I yelled out as I pulled my leg back and slammed it forward into the door with all my might. It budged slightly, but surprisingly held.

I remained in that position for a few seconds afterward, with my foot firmly pressed against the door. You have no idea how much that hurt... I pulled my foot away slowly as an entirely manly tear rolled down my visor. ENTIRELY manly, I assure you. "Ouch..."

Less than a minute later I was fully recovered, and I wanted payback. That door hurt me in ways no door has ever hurt me before. I pulled my DMR (Dick Melting Rifle) off my back and pointed it at the lock. "Eat led mother fucker!" I fired a bullet into the door's lock, resulting in a loud clanging as the bullet shredded through the metal.

A second kick was all it took to finally get that sucker open, and I merrily waltzed inside. I walked around a little bit, looking for a specific room. Thankfully, the place wasn't very big and only one room seemed to be occupied. At least, only one actually had a guard near it. I couldn't really tell since you can't actually see into any of the cells unless you get really close and look through the tiny window on the wooden doors.

"Yo." I said as I got close, getting the guard's attention. "Who's in this cell?"

"Ugh... Chrysalis, sir." He responded back shakily.

"Well open it up!" I demanded.

He looked around hesitantly for a few seconds before answering. "I'm not supposed to let anypony in except the princesses..."

These guards really don't want me here... Unfortunately for them, I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. I grabbed the breastplate of his armor and hefted him up into the air so he was staring into my visor. "I AM A PRINCESS!" I yelled at him.

"O-ok!" He yelled back, obviously not wanting to tempt my wrath. Smart move. As soon as I dropped him he used his pony magic to open the door before stepping aside. "Be careful though, she's really dangerous!" He warned.

"Pshhh. I doesn't afraid of anything." I said while pulling the door open and walking inside. Inside was a small stone room with a pile of hay in one corner and a small flickering light bulb on the ceiling. My eyes were instantly drawn to the large black shape in the middle of the floor.

It wasn't hard to tell that it was Chrysalis, just she looked extremely skinny compared to last time I saw her. She was laying on her back with her wings splayed to the sides and her legs sticking straight up. Her eyes stared unblinkingly at the far wall and her mouth hung open with her tongue poking out the side. The only indication that she was even alive was the small rising and falling of her chest as she breathed.

I decided to break the ice with a joke. Jokes are always appropriate. "I see that new diet is working good for you. You've lost a lot of weight." The only indication that she even heard me was a slight twitch of her back leg. I looked over and saw a pile of trays filled with what looked like grass on them. None of them were touched, however, and they looked like they had been there for a long time. Clearly she doesn't like grass.

Come to think of it, I've never tasted grass. I reached down and selected a nice juicy piece before shoving it into my visor. Sweet Bungie that tastes like shit! I spat it back out through my visor, but the taste still lingered on my tongue. "I see why you don't like that." Once again she didn't say anything.

I poked her a few times with my foot, but I couldn't garner any reaction. "Alright, I see how it is. You're still mad about the whole 'defeating you and your army and getting you locked in this shitty dungeon' thing. Whatever, that's fine. I'll just leave." I turned and walked out.

The guard wasn't there when I left. He probably went to tell on me like that other guard. Like I even give a shit about guards. Now then, time to go back to my room and get a good nights sleep.

Terrorist activities

The thousand nations of the covenant empire descend upon you. Our lasers will blot out the sun!

Then we'll hump in the shade.

Dear Princess Celery and Luna;

I hate to be so forward, but I think it's very clear that I am not happy with either of you or your actions. To be specific, the part where you two sent me to the wrong dimension for twenty years. Now, I'm not the kind of halo to hold a grudge, but what you did was unacceptable. I helped you out of the goodness of my heart and you let me down. I had half a mind to refuse your latest request for help purely out of spite, but the other half of my mind knew that you would just send me to the wrong dimension again if I did. I don't even want to risk getting sent to a hentai tentacle dimension.

I'd like to take this time to say that me calling you 'Celery' is not a compliment. In the halo culture, even the mention of vegetables is frowned upon, so you can trust me when I say it's extremely derogatory. Luna, I couldn't think of an insulting nickname for you, so I'll just state facts. You'll never be as tall as your sister. Your horn is too long compared to your body (same goes for you Celery). Worst of all, you snore really loud. I'd know, I accidently wandered into your room last night. I see why they call you 'princess of the night', you're a really heavy sleeper. Don't ask how I got past the guards, that will forever be a mystery.

Now then, I have a Ponyville to get to.

Signed a very disgruntled Halo man

PS: This is your warning. If you send me to the wrong dimension again I'll slice your fucking throats.

I put down the sheet of paper and quill, satisfied with my elite writing skills. And not like one of those aliens called elites. I imagine they have a tuff time writing with only three fingers. In fact, it's probably hard to do anything with only three fingers. Now that I think about it, how do they reproduce? They don't have any genitals!

Whatever, I can think about alien sex later. When I'm all alone in bed, perhaps...

I rolled up the letter while standing up from the writing desk stretching my back as I looked out the window. The sun was already coming up... "Well that's just great, I guess I'm not getting any sleep tonight then..." I was up literally the entire night trying to find my way back to my room. This castle is really confusing. It didn't help that a bunch of guards were all over my dick about 'breaking and entering' and 'assaulting a guard'. I feel like those aren't actual crimes and they're just discriminating against me cuz I'm purple.

The white ponies are always tryin' ta' keep me down. At least I got my strongly worded letter written. Now the princesses will know I mean business.

I walked into the bathroom, eager to get ready for a new day. There was some toothpaste and a couple of toothbrushes on the counter and I grabbed the purple one. Purple is my favorite color! I spread a huge glob of toothpaste onto the brush, just like I've seen on commercials, and proceeded to scrub my visor.

"Halo man?" I heard someone call from the other room.

I spat out a visorful of toothpaste and turned towards the half-open door. "What?"

"The door was open so I came in. I hope you don't mind." Now that she was closer, I could tell it was Twilight Sparkle doing the talking. I pushed the bathroom door open so we could have a proper conversation.

"Not at all. What's up?" She just stared at me like I was crazy. What, has she never seen a guy clean his visor before?

She continued to gape at me for a few moments before finally prying her eyes away from my toothpaste covered face. "Uh... I thought I'd tell you we're leaving in a few minutes."

"C-c-cool beans. I'll be done in a minute."

She stayed there for a few seconds after that, looking hesitant, before finally asking her question. "Why are you wiping toothpaste on your face?"

"To fight gum disease and tarter build up. What else is toothpaste for?"

"Oooookaaaaay... I'll just, go wait with the others..." She quickly turned and left, leaving me to finish my business in peace. I went back to the sink and washed the toothpaste away before drying off with a towel.

I took a moment to admire my freshly cleaned visor in the mirror, noting how sparkly it was. "Lookin' good!" I exclaimed while making a pointing gesture towards my reflection. I still need to shave, but that can wait till later. With most of my hygienic needs sated, I walked out into the hall where the other ponies were talking amongst themselves. Before I even had a chance to speak, Pinkie Pie was all up in my face.

"Wooooah. I can see my reflection on your face!"

"Yes. I can also see you in my face..." I stated bluntly as she moved her head back and forth to see how her reflection distorted.

"Pinkie! Get off Mr. Halo man's face. It's very rude." Scolded Rarity. I thought I already told her that Mr. Halo man was my father... Whatever, that was last time I was here. She probably forgot.

"Awwww." Pinkie complained, but jumped off of me all the same. Now finally being able to see, I took a look at the group of ponies before me. To my pleasant surprise, I found something I had left here before sitting on the floor.

"My hat!" I cried out in joy as I picked the yellow and pink thing up, setting it on my head. I never thought I'd see this again. To my surprise, it lout out a squeak as I put it on. The other ponies stared at me like I was crazy once again. They really need to stop doing that, I'm not crazy.

"Umm... Darling... That's not a hat." Stated Rarity.

"What?" I was shocked by such bold accusations, especially coming from her. I thought she was a refined, high-class pony. Also, I've seen her wear big weird hats multiple times... "Not a hat? Than why am I wearing it on my head?" It was a solid argument, so imagine my surprise when she actually had a rebuttal.

"That's a good question. Why are you wearing poor Fluttershy on your head?" So they gave the hat a name? How cute.

"Poor? I treat my hats with the utmost resect. I dare say that it should be honored to grace my head with its physical being."

"It's ok." Said my hat in a quiet voice. "I don't mind being a hat. Um, if that's alright."

"See, my hats like me."

"She never lets me wear her like a hat..." Grumbled Rainbow Dash just loud enough for us to hear.

Rarity looked slightly shocked, but she didn't press the issue anymore. After several moments of awkwardness, a guard approached our group. He glared at me for a few seconds- maybe he's one of the ones that was harassing me last night-, before turning to the other ponies. "The carriage is ready. Follow me please." The group of us followed him out to a courtyard with a golden chariot thing sitting in it. On the front there was a pair of pegasi strapped into harnesses.

"I call shotgun!" Shouted Pinkie as she jumped like thirty feet through the air and into the cart. I swear, that pony is part velociraptor. Either that or one or both of her parents were grass hoppers. The rest of us all walked up and took our positions in the cart like normal people.

"Oh yeah." I said, turning back to the guard that accompanied us and handing him my letter. "I need you to take this letter to the princesses. It's very important."

Turning away from him, I took a seat criss-cross-applesauce on the floor of the carriage before chuckling to myself. "What's so funny?!" Asked Pinkie, who was instantly up in my face.

"I'm just thinking about how ironic it is that ponies are pulling ponies." What's next? Ponies riding ponies? That'll be the day.

"I don't get it..." Said Twilight. "I don't see anything ironic about that."

I decided to drop the subject instead of getting in a debate about irony. It wasn't that funny anyway... "So how long will this trip take?" I hope it isn't that long. Sitting still doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

"Like forty minutes." Complained Rainbow Dash. "I could totally get there in like half the time, but these guards are all slow."

The guards seemed to hear her and rolled their eyes in response. It was clear that they weren't going to give a comeback to that, so I took the initiative. "Maybe if you lost some weight they could fly faster."

Rainbow Dash was instantly pointing an accusing hoof at me. "Are you calling me fat?"

I gently pushed her hoof away. "I'm not calling you anything. I'm simply giving suggestions on what you could do to speed this trip up."

"Oh yeah? 'Cuz I'm pretty sure you called me fat!" She replied in a combative tone.

"If you weren't sensitive about your weight, you wouldn't get so upset about this." I continued in a calm voice. If my many years of trolling have taught me anything, it's how to keep my cool. "So tell me, miss Dash. Are you fat?"

"Will you two stop?!" Butted in Twilight. "Why do you get in arguments with everypony?" The second question was directed towards me. Why do I get in arguments with everyone? I don't know, I guess it's funny. I just replied with a shrug.

"You should probably take Fluttershy off your head, dear." Said Rarity, pointing towards my cool hat. "We don't want her falling out of the carriage once we take off." Take off? Carriages don't even fly. Stupid Rarity... I doubt we could even get any lift with this thing. It looks about as aerodynamic as my ball sack, which is to say, not very. Not to mention it has no turbines or wings or anything to provide lift.

I doubt that this thing will go any faster than maybe five miles an hour. I really don't think my hat would fly off at that speed. I was about to argue that point with her, when Twilight cleared her throat, reminding me of what she just said. Instead of saying anything, I simply took my hat off and placed it on the floor of the carriage.

"Thank you, dear."

"Yeah, yeah... When are we getting this thing moving?" As if to answer my question, the two stallions pulling the cart flared their wings and galloped forward. Suddenly they started flapping and the whole cart got pulled up into the air. I covered my head, sure that us flying through the air like that meant we were about to crash and explode.

After a few moments of not exploding, I let go of my head seeing that we were just flying through the air despite all laws of physics saying that it shouldn't be possible. Whatever, the laws of physics are more like guidelines anyway. I looked over to see Rainbow Dash snickering at my attempts at self preservation.

No one snickers at me and gets away with it! "Hey, you know what this is?" I asked as I pulled a plasma grenade off my belt and waved it in her face. Her and Twilight locked their gazes on the blue ball in my hand. I already told Twilight what it was, so she looked understandably nervous.

"What? A ball?" Rainbow asked.

"No. It's an explosive." I said with a snicker of my own. "It would be a shame if they went off while we were all stuck up here on this tiny aircraft." Thankfully the ponies haven't invented airport security or I'd never be aloud to take an explosive on here. Rainbow instantly lost her grin and backed away from me slightly. Victory for the Halo man! I am best terrorist.

That brought back some good memories of my time killing aliens with the other Master Chiefs. At the time, we were running around in some space station. Like always, we murdered everything that moved- I made extra sure to murder every single human in the whole place- when we found a bunch of sticky detonators lying around. They're more or less just grenade launchers that shoot out sticky grenades that explode really big.

Anyway, we were running around committing mass murder, when we started sticking the grenades on each other like the intelligent halos that we are. Naturally, that resulted in our very painful deaths multiple times, but we just respawned like always. Eventually, I got a really good idea, though.

"Hey guys, stick all your grenades on me. I have a really good idea." I told them. So they did, and I soon had three big flashy things stuck to my body. "Now don't splode them." I warned before running into the next room.

Inside, there was a group of aliens just minding their own business. They probably had families back home, but I don't give a shit. I just put up my laser shield to absorb their lasers before slowly walking at them.

Once I got close, I let out my best stereotypical terrorist screech while putting away my shield. "Ayaayayayaya, praise Bungie!" Now that I was close to the group of elites and bird things with shields, they ran up and punched me to death.

Big mistake. As soon as I died the charges stuck to my body went off, resulting in a huge explosion and their deaths. I respawned moments later, now one step closer to Nirvana. Or however that works...

"Put that away before you hurt somepony." Scolded Twilight, pulling me away from my memories of my time as a professional terrorist.

"Fine, fine." I conceded. She's right, the last thing we need right now is to get horribly mangled in a mid-air explosion.

Special eyes

One small hump for me. One giant tea bag for halo kind

It didn't take long to get to Ponyville, and by the time we arrived the sun was barely coming up over the horizon. Thankfully we didn't explode even once on the way. In my line of work, flying usually results in explosions. Whether you're flying in a bancheese or a halo helicopter, chances are you'll explode one way or another. It may be sad, but that's just the way things are. Speaking of sad; halo helicopters no longer seem to exist. That was always my favorite vehicle... Mainly because I could role play Arnold Schwarzenegger getting to it.

After flying low through the outskirts of town, we landed in front of some big tree. It was a pretty smooth landing considering we were in a flying wooden cart. After we all stepped out, Twilight turned and thanked the guards for the ride (in a non-sexual way). They just nodded in acknowledgement before flying away once again.

"So, what are we doing now?" I asked while looking around the town's streets. The buildings were all, for the most part, two story wooden structures with thatch roofs. They looked nice, in a simple kind of way, but I couldn't help but think how flammable they probably are. Someday I'll have to test that.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a lot of work to do if I want to catch up on all my dress orders." Stated Rarity. "I'll see you girls later. Oh, and you too, Halo man." With that said she turned and cantered down the still-empty cobblestone road.

"I need to feed my animal friends." Said my hat, just loud enough for us to hear. "Tell Spike thanks for taking care of them while we were in Canterlot." She flew off relatively slowly in the opposite direction of Rarity. Presumably to 'feed animals'.

Next on the mic was MC Rainbow Dash who opened her statement with a big over, exaggerated yawn. "I'll meet up with you guys later. I have today off from weather service since we were supposed to be in Canterlot for longer and I plan on using this time for some quality napping." Without waiting for a response, she bolted off towards some large cloud formation floating above the town. Come to think of it, that cloud formation looks kinda strange. Are those rainbow waterfalls? Maybe if I smear some of that on my face I can pretend, if just for a moment, that Bungie isn't a dick who didn't make rainbow visors a thing.

"Ah suppose ah should get goin' also. No doubt Big Mac'll be tryin' to do all the chores himself if ah'm not there ta help. See ya'll later." I turned to see an orange pony with a blonde mane and a coyboy hat trotting away. What the actual fuck? Where'd she come from? I don't remember ever seeing that pony in my life. Perhaps I really am going crazy... Though, I don't think crazy people narrate everything that happens in their heads like I do. At least, I hope they don't. Whatever. I'm sure that either magic or ancient aliens are entirely responsible for this, if not a mixture of the two. I find that they're responsible for almost everything that I can't explain. At least, I'd like to believe that that's the case.

I looked at what remained of our group. Only Twilight and Pinkie Pie were left. After a moment, Twilight answered my previously asked question. "We're going to get you checked in to your temporary home, but first I wanted to check on my assistant." While saying this she trotted over to the big tree. I looked at it and just now noticed that the tree not only had a door, but also like a dozen windows and a balcony. How did I not see that before? Apparently her assistant lives in a giant tree house.

"What, is your assistant Tarzan or something?" I questioned. Unfortunately Twilight didn't get my joke. Pinkie giggled a little bit, but she laughs at everything so it doesn't count.

"No. His name is Spike. Why would he be named 'Tarzan'?" She asked while pushing open the door.

I just grunted in response as I followed her into the building with Pinkie hot on my heals. The door was too short, so I had to duck down a bit to avoid smashing my head into the wall. Silly ponies building small doors...

"Spike! Spiiike!" Called Twilight as she walked towards the stairs to one side of the room. She was answered by a groggy sounding voice from upstairs.

"What is it Twilight? I was having a good dream."

"Was it the one where you and Rarity moved into an ice cream house together?" She questioned, knowing that that's the kind of thing he dreamed about on a regular basis.

"No. It was the one where we took a dip in the strawberry river." This was followed by a loud yawn that I could hear despite being in a separate room. "What is it anyway? It's like six in the morning." While saying that, the owner of the voice, and a little purple reptile walked through the door at the top of the stairs. Apparently that's Spike. I think I met him briefly at the victory parter after I defeated the changelings.

"I wanted to check in on you and make sure you've been doing your chores. Also we have a guest." Came Twilight's reply.

"You didn't need to wake me up to see if I did my chores..." He then turned his attention to me. I kind of stand out, being a tall purple being in a world full of small (sometimes also purple) ponies. His eyes lit up with recognition. "Hey Halo man."

"Sup?" I said back, laying on some extra cool cuz I'm the coolest (regardless of what Rainbow Dash says).

"Not much." He responded back with a shrug before looking back at Twilight. "Not much happened here. Weird stuff only seems to happen while you're around." Unbeknownst to Twilight, Pinkie was nodding in agreement behind her back.

"Well, alright then. I'm going to go get Halo man checked into his home while he's staying here."

Spike was already walking away by now, clearly not interested in taking part in any activities this early in the morning. I can't blame him. "Whatever, I'm going back to sleep." He called back.

With that all done, Twilight turned back to me and Pinkie Pie. "Okay. Let's head over to the Hay and Stay motel. Princess Celestia said she reserved you a room there. It's not too far away." I believe that last part was irrelevant considering the size of this town. Or rather, the lack of size.

"K, let's go." I said, gesturing for her to lead the way. Of course, instead of that, Pinkie rocketed out the front door with a loud 'weeeee' and ran off to parts unknown without even looking back to see if we were following. I decided a long time ago that there are some things I don't want to know the answer to. This was one of those things.

Twilight quickly composed herself, muttered something along the lines of 'don't question it Twilight, just act like nothing happened'. We went back out the front door and into the streets of Ponyville. It was still early, but it seemed several ponies had woken up in the past few minutes. There were a couple of them out and about in the streets, likely going to their jobs or something. I remember when I used to have a job... That was horrible...

We walked down the mane street, catching the attention of every pony we passed. Though there were only a few of them, they all stopped and gawked at me. Clearly they weren't in Canterlot to see me last time I was here... Oh well, I'm used to the stares by now considering how damn good looking I am. Even in that other world, I had to beat the bitches off with a stick. And it's not because I would lather myself in peanut butter before walking into an animal shelter.

Yeah

When I walk on by ponies be lookin' like damn he fly. I hump to the beat, walkin' down the street with my halo feet. I'm a big huge troll, purple armor that's how I roll. I'm a halo with a lot a' hoes, I kill you and rub my crotch on your nose, yeah!

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

When I kill you a bunch, yeah, this is what you'll see, ok. None of the halos can tea-bag like me. I got legendary thighs and I aint afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it.

You're butthurt and you know it.

Yeah

When I'm at the castle, I'm mean to the guards 'cuz I'm an asshole. And when I'm in my bed, sleepin' all night tryin' to rest my head. This is how I roll, punchin' all the fish their deaths my goal. We headed to the throne, but I doesn't afraid. Celestias my friend 'cuz I give her aid.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

When I'm in Ponyville, yeah, QWOPin' down the street, ok. Everypony sits there gawking at my meat. My flies unzipped and I aint afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it.

I... Wait... Fuck! I quickly zipped up my fly, a blush spreading across my visor. Well that was embarrassing... Thankfully Twilight didn't seem to notice, so it wasn't too horribly awkward. This new armor that I have actually has a fly unlike the old suit. It's kinda weird but I imagine it makes it easier to go to the bathroom. You have no idea how hard it is trying to go to the bathroom while completely covered in armor. I shutter just thinking about it.

"We're here!" Twilight announced finally. I looked up to see what must have been the 'Hay and Stay' motel. It was a two story building with a style similar to the other homes around it, but it was a lot wider. It didn't look like much, but I decided that maybe the rooms might be nice. I'm not always pessimistic, just most of the time. We walked through the front door and up to a desk where a young looking pony was sitting in apparent boredom. As soon as he noticed us he stood up and fixed his gaze on me, clearly not sure what to do.

He had a white coat, making his red pimpled face stand out, and a short brown mane. We just stood there awkwardly for a few long moments, staring at each other, until Twilight decided to break the tension by clearing her throat. "Hello. I believe there is a room reserved for a Mr. Halo man. We're here for the key."

"Oh." He snapped to attention and looked at a clipboard on the desk. "Here it is, Halo man. Your rooms B-2, on the second floor. It says the time is indefinite. Just check here when you're done with the room." He said with all the voice cracks of a teenager. He handed me my key and I was on my way. It wasn't hard finding my room, considering there were only like ten rooms in the whole motel. Clearly Ponyville isn't a tourist hotspot.

I pushed the key into the lock and opened the door. Only for Pinkie Pie to suddenly jump out. "SURPRISE!" She shouted, but I wasn't phased in the slightest. Twilight, on the other hand, didn't see it coming and jumped like a startled cat. Even after a few seconds when she managed to regain her composure, the hair on her back was sticking up, again making her look like a startled cat.

"Were you surprised? Huh? Huh?!" Pinkie questioned while hopping around in excitement.

"Super nope!" I responded. I saw the yellow blip (ponies are non-hostile) on my motion detector long before I opened the door. "I saw that coming." Admittedly I had no idea who was in my room, I just knew someone was in there...

"Awwww." Pinkie looked momentarily sad that her attempt had failed, but that was gone in an instant and once again her face was plastered with an excited smile. "Did I surprise you Twilight?"

I think that was more or less a rhetorical question. I don't see how Twilight could have been any more surprised by that. If she had more cholesterol in her arteries, she likely would have even had a heart attack... She answered regardless. "Pinkie! Don't jump out like that! You scared the hay out of me!" I looked around, but didn't spot any hay nearby. I guess that's just a figure of speech.

Shrugging, I walked into my temporary home. It looked like your average motel room, though slightly smaller. Likely because it was made for little ponies. There were a pair of beds, a wooden desk, a tiny stool, and a lamp on the wall. The overall color scheme was dark green and tan, making the place look tacky. There was another door that lead into a small bathroom, and I could see a tiny pool outback through a window on the far wall. I think I'll avoid the pool lest I drown instantly in the five feet of water...

Twilight walked in behind me and examined the room. "It's... Alright..." She conceded. I walked over and examined the beds. I'd have to push them both together to sleep comfortably. I guess it'll do, I'm not super picky. Though I can't help but miss how nice the rooms were in the palace. "At least it's clean." She said after a moment.

I'll be the judge of that. "Do you have like a black-light spell or something?"

She looked at me in confusion for a moment. "I guess. Light spells are pretty simple." She concentrated for a second and her horn started glowing a dark purple color. Suddenly it illuminated all the things that couldn't truly be cleaned, and I gagged for a second. There were jizz stains literally everywhere... I looked up... Yep. Literally. Everywhere.

"Turn it off please."

She complied, seemingly confused. "What was that for?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I said while taking a seat on one of the beds. Perhaps I should just forget I saw that. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. After another awkward moment of silence, Twilight looked like she was getting uncomfortable.

"Ooookay. Now that you're settled in, I have some important quill shopping to do. It should take me a couple of hours. Bye." I just waved at her while she walked out the door. Hours for quill shopping? That girl must really like her some quills. Now it was just me and Pinkie Pie. She took a seat on the opposite bed from me, with a huge excited smile dominating all her features, and we just sat there. Staring at each other...

Minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and days to months. Seasons came and went and we just sat there...

Ok, we didn't sit there that long. It was more likely only a few seconds. Finally I decided to break the tension as sitting there was getting boring. "What do you want to do?"

She put a hoof to a chin, as though in deep thought. That only lasted a fraction of a second before she apparently got an idea. "We can play a game!"

Alright, that doesn't sound so bad. "Sure, what game?"

"Ummm. How about hide and go seek!?" She squealed in excitement. Excitement is pretty much her default emotion, it would seem.

"K." She already looked like she was looking for a hiding place, so I went to a corner and started counting. Once I got up to fifty, I turned to look for her. "Ready or not, here I come!" Ok, this should be easy. My room is tiny and I didn't hear the door or windows open. I looked around the room briefly, not seeing her anywhere, before proceeding into the bathroom. She wasn't in the shower, toilet, or sink, so that pretty much covered the whole room. I walked back into the mane room, realizing I hadn't checked under the bed yet.

I looked under them both, but didn't find her. All I found was a weird stuffed Kiwi bird. It scared the shit outa' me. By this point I was thoroughly confused. I checked pretty much every available space in the tiny room. Then I remembered something important. I still have my promethean vision! I chuckled a bit as I remembered back to the first time I ever saw it.

One of the other Master Chiefs walked into the room carrying a big metal box. "Your power up just arrived."

I looked at the writing on the box. "1-800-Promethean-Vision? They can't have my power up! I have special eyes."

He put the box in front of me, forcing me to see the truth. "Look. Look with your special eyes!"

"My power up!" I exclaimed in joy as I realized it really was my power up.

I couldn't help but giggle a bit at the memory. It's one of the few good memories I have that doesn't involve murder. Of course, I later used that power up to help me further my cause of destroying all life in the universe, but that's a different story entirely. Activating my promethean vision, my sight turned blueish as I looked around the room. I could see a couple of red shapes that represented the ponies outside, but what I was interested in was the one inside my room. Somehow Pinkie Pie had squeezed herself into the drawer of the little desk. A space I didn't think large enough to hold a pony.

Yes! With this power I'll be a hide and seek god! Muahahaha! I trudged over to the desk and pulled it open, revealing a pink pony. "Gotcha!" I yelled triumphantly.

"Awwww. I thought that was a good spot. How'd you find me?" She said while somehow pulling herself out of the tight space.

"I have special eyes."

Laser duel

Make no mistake. Humps are coming. With all their glory, and all their horror.

"That's some good drink." I stated, having just gulped down an entire paper cup's worth of what I can only assume to be fruit juice of some kind. It tasted of strawberries, bananas, and a whole lot of sugar.

"The best drink." Confirmed Pinkie Pie, who seemed relatively mellow for whatever reason. I can't remember a time when she wasn't excited about something, so this was strange. Perhaps all she needs is some sugar as a pick-me-up.

"Hey, you want some drink?" I offered, filling a new paper cup from the punch bowl on a nearby table. "It's fruity-liscious and chocked full of sugar."

She shook her head, waving her orange, poofy mane around. "Why would I drink that? That would just be silly. Not even I have the antidote." She giggled a little at that for whatever reason.

"Suit yourself. It's pretty good. My compliments to the chef." I stated before pouring more drink into my visor. I smacked my lips a little at the taste. Now that I think about it, there's definitely a distinct flavor that I just can't put my finger on. I'll just ignore it for now, though, as I'm no culinary expert. I'll have to ask the chef about that later. "Hey, who made this anyway?" It took me a moment to realize that Pinkie Pie was no longer in the area. Looking around I couldn't see her anywhere.

I just shrugged. It's a party, she probably went off to talk to someone else. I decided to do the same. With a skip and a hop I arrived near a small group of other ponies. One was light blue, another was purple, and the third one was a light shade of yellow. Remembering my manners, I decided to greet them like the proper gentleman I am. "Why hello ponies. This is quite a pleasant party, wouldn't you say?"

The purple pony turned to me, revealing a pare of beady, black, soulless eyes. Those weren't the eyes on any pony I've seen. Those are the eyes of someone who has seen some shit. Those are the eyes of a killer... It fixed me with an icy glare before opening its mouth and responding with a series of high-pitched shrieks.

I instantly realized my mistake. I had forgotten to introduce myself. I'm better than that. Momma halo didn't raise no fool! "I apologize for my rude behavior, miss. Let me introduce myself. My name is Halo man. And what might I call a lovely young mare like you?"

A light blush spread across her cheek, and she let up her hateful glare. After a moment she responded with more shrieks.

"My, what a pretty name." I complimented while taking her very flat, fin-like hoof in my hand and planting a kiss on the end with my visor. It was only then that I noticed that something was wrong. I looked up at the purple pony, now noticing its lack of fur or hair of any kind and its bottle-like nose. Not to mention it had fins instead of legs. Looking up I noticed that the two others with it that I previously thought to be ponies were similar.

I dropped her fin thing and took a few steps back. "No... No it can't be." The group of them fixed their eyes on me, drilling into my very soul with their hateful gazes. I could practically feel the malice behind those black, piercing eyes. "It-It's not possible..." I continued, taking another step back. "You're not possible!"

The purple one took a step towards me, the edges of its mouth curling up into a sinister grin, revealing a set of tiny, pointed teeth that were clearly meant for stabbing into flesh. It let out a short chuckle that sent chills up my spine, before speaking in perfect english. "For too long you have killed our younglings. For too long you have hated and despised us despite our indifference of you."

I shook my head in denial. There's simply no way these creatures could be... Them. Bottle-nosed dolphins aren't real! They're just a myth! There's no way Bungie would let such abominations exist! "No! You're no real!"

"Aren't we?" It chuckled its horrible chuckle once again. "We've been watching you, Halo man. We know all your secrets. We know how you feel about fish..."

"You're lying!" I screamed.

"NO! You're lying to yourself!" Its words shook me to my very core, but it wasn't finished. "We could simply kill you as you have done to so many of our kind in the past, but then you wouldn't learn anything. Instead we'll turn you into the very thing you despise. A fish, like us."

I was finally table to tear my gaze away from the purple bottle-nosed dolphin and looked frantically around the room for an escape. My heart skipped a beat as I realized that all of what I previously thought to be ponies were actually dolphins. Their slick skin came in all colors of the rainbow, but what they all had in common were their dark, murderous eyes, all of which were focused on me. I tried to scream, but I found that I couldn't make a sound.

"One of us. One of us. One of us." They started chanting while taking slow steps towards me. That was finally enough to jar me out of my shock, and I turned and sprinted away screaming in the most dignified manner you can imagine. I barreled through another door, and slammed it shut behind myself. Leaning up against it, I stood there panting for a few minutes as my heart beat away at my ribcage like a stereotypical angry landlord with a broom who wants nothing more than for you to be perfectly quiet at all times.

Finally it began to slow down and I was able to examine the room further. The first thing I noticed, is that Pinkie Pie was about two feet to my left with a huge smile on her face. Next I noticed that the room appeared to be a kitchen. "Hey Pinkie. There aren't any dolphins in here, are there?"

She flat our laughed at my question as though it was the funniest thing ever. After about a minute, she managed to get herself back under control, and wiped the tears out of her eyes. "Nope." She managed to stifle another laughing fit before continuing. "No dolphins in here."

"Shewf." I sighed in relief. "Thank Bungie. The last thing I need is a bunch of giant fish trying to assimilate me."

"Actually. Dolphins are mammals." Pinkie Pie corrected. I decided it was just more of her shenanigans, though. No way a mammal could possibly be that evil. We sat there in silence for about half a minute before she continued. "Oh, didn't you want to compliment the chef?"

"As a matter of fact I did. Where is this chef?"

A deep voice to my right answered that. "Right here." I slowly craned my neck to the right, only to see a tall, olive-green halo standing on the other side of the kitchen. "I'm the Master Chef." I now took note of the white chef's hate he wore atop his helmeted head.

"You made that drink?"

"Sure did." He responded back in a smug tone. "Did you like it?"

"It had enough sugar in it to kill a hippo-pote-amus." I responded honestly. "But it was pretty good. But what was the other ingredient? I tasted something different, but I didn't know what it was."

He let out a hearty laugh, which seemed strangely out of character. "You mean the rat poisoning or the gasoline?"

"What?! You poisoned me?!" I asked incredulously. I thought me and this guy were friends.

"Of course not. Dolphins are immune to rat poisoning." I instantly saw a flaw in his logic.

"But I'm not a dolphin!" I protested. Pinkie instantly started rolling around as a fresh bout of laughter overtook her.

"Oh really?" Asked Master Chef, the smugness in his voice was literally palpable. "Then why do you have fins?"

"I don't have fi-." I wasn't able to continue that thought as I looked down and saw that my arms were now flat and wide paddle like objects. Gazing further down I saw that my legs were replaced by a long muscular tail that ended in a flipper. "No.... NO!" I shouted in denial. Denial is the first stage of grief, after all. I nearly went into a panic attack, but by some miracle that I can only attribute to Bungie's undying love for me, I managed to form a coherent thought. "But, dolphins hate gasoline."

Master Chef laughed along with Pinkie Pie for a moment before answering. "You're not a dolphin! You're a robot dolphin!"

"WHAT!" I yelled out in equal parts rage and confusion. "I'm not a robo-." I once again trailed off as my armor released bouts of steam from all the joints with a loud hiss before falling away in multiple pieces. Underneath was nothing but wires, circuit boards, and pistons revealing that I was, in fact, a robot. There were no words in the english language to ever hope to convey the amount of not wanting that I had right now, but I did my best with what I had. Pointing my robotic flippers to Bungie's heavens I shouted with all my might.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I woke at that point. Thankfully it was just a dream, and not even among the stranger ones I've had. Dream or not, my big ol' heart was racing faster than Seabiscuit pumped full of experimental horse steroids. I wiped the sweat off my visor with a hand as I got up out of bed.

"I really need to stop reading those horror stories about dolphin rape caves." I muttered to myself as I walked into the bathroom. "Thankfully dolphins don't exist in real life." Once I got into the bathroom I splashed some cool water into my face from the sink in an attempt to wake up and rid my mind of that horrible dream.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I was glad to see that I'm neither a robot nor a dolphin. Both of those are things that I really don't want to be. The next thing I noticed is that I really need to shave. I didn't shave for the last two days, so it was starting to get noticeable. Looking around a bit, I realized that there weren't any razors anywhere for me to use. I guess ponies probably don't shave given the fact that they're completely covered in hair, so I shouldn't expect there to be razors...

Sighing, I decided to just use my combat knife. I pulled the short blade out and instantly went to work scraping off the unwanted hair growing on my chin and lower visor region. I was extra careful, though, since knifes are apparently sharp enough to easily pierce even the thickest of halo armor. I'd know since I've assassinated multiple halos with them before. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I punched other halos instead of just stabbing their shit with my knife. Or I could like, tie a knife to my arm and then punch people or something. I'll have to try that out some time.

Then I noticed something strange in my HUD. Right next to my plasma grenades was an icon of another grenade. I looked down and, sure enough, there was a promethean pulse grenade on my belt. I don't even remember getting that. Maybe I picked it up when I was humping that dead halo... Whatever, it isn't important anyway. Promethean grenades are completely worthless. Maybe I can give it to someone as a gift or something. It would make a great paperweight.

Having finished up my personal hygiene requirements, I was now able to take on the world! I pushed open the door and took a deep breath of the fresh midmorning equestrian air. I had a feeling that today was going to be a great day. So great, I skipped the stairs entirely, and instead just jumped off the balcony that connects all the second story rooms of the motel. My feet didn't even hurt a single bit as I landed on the cobblestone road.

Looking around, I didn't see any ponies out and about. It is a small town though, so I guess there just aren't many ponies. I decided to take a look around town while I was in such a good mood. I didn't look around much yesterday as I was far too tired. I pretty much just talked to Pinkie for a while after getting to my room before eventually going to sleep. Of course now I'm all rested and ready for adventures.

Most of the buildings in town were pretty similar in design and therefore boring. I mean really. Two-story wood homes with thatch roofs? What, are they trying to put me to sleep? Thankfully, it didn't take too long before I found a building worthy of capturing my interest. It had wooden walls, much like the other buildings, but the roof looked to be made of gingerbread bordered by white frosting. Of course, I wondered what any sane halo would wonder in a situation like this.

"Is that real gingerbread?" I questioned no one, since no one was around. Without waiting for an answer from previously mentioned no one, I walked up to the building and studied it a little closer. Thankfully, my great height, at least compared to tiny ponies, allowed me to easily see the roof above the door. It certainly did look genuine, but there's only one way to be sure. I reached up and grabbed a chunk of roof with my muscular fingers and ripped it off. Without stopping to contemplate whether this was a good idea, I shoved the hunk of roof into my visor. I instantly spat it out.

"Awww gross. It's all soggy!" Sure enough, it was real gingerbread. You might think that that would be tasty, but it's not. I have no idea how long this stuff has been sitting out here exposed to the elements, but I can say from experience that it has been far too long. I don't even know what would prompt someone to build a house out of food. That's just stupid. The only explanation I have for why the whole roof hasn't been devoured by hungry insects and raccoons is magic, and that's the same explanation I use for everything.

I then noticed voices coming from somewhere on the other side of the building. Completely forgetting the gross gingerbread-roofed building, I walked around to see what was going on. It wasn't hard to spot the multicolored mob down the street where the noise was coming from. They were gathered around a big circular building and talking amongst themselves. So that's where all the ponies are at.

"I've never been in a mob before." I squealed excitedly as I ran over towards the large gathering of ponies. Maybe they were assembling to burn a witch or something. I've always wanted to go on a witch hunt. They sound like a lot of fun. Why else would the spanish winquisition do them? Once I got close, I was able to see over the crowd of short ponies.

Up in front, Rarity seemed to be arguing with some black cloaked pony. That is, until the cloaked pony fired a red laser out of its horn and covered Rarity in what looked like a traditional mexican dress. Of course, In typical Rarity fashion, she stated how tacky it was before fainting. Thankfully, Applejack was there to catch her and carry her off with Pinkie Pie following closely behind. Then Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and Rainbow Dash showed up and started yelling at the pony.

She pulled the hood of her cloak away revealing her to be none other than... I don't know... A blue unicorn I guess. She then fired another red laser at Rainbow Dash, causing one of her wings to grow to a size that could perhaps obtain lift on its own without the use of magic. Needless to say, she crashed within seconds. She does that a lot, so I'm sure she's used to it by now.

What I was confused about, is why the crowd was just sitting here. I mean, I haven't been in any mobs before, but I'm pretty sure the idea is to rush the enemy with our superior numbers. I decided that if the ponies weren't going to take the initiative, I would. "Burn the witch!" I shouted, pointing at the blue pony up front.

Instantly, all eyes turned to me, and the crowd parted away from me. Some mob they are... "Fine, I guess I'll just burn the witch by myself."

The blue pony just scoffed at me. "Who are you calling a witch you... Purple robot monkey?"

Now it was my turn to scoff. "I'll have you know, I'm neither a robot nor am I a monkey and I find both those terms highly offensive. I am Halo man, scourge of the seven seas." I posed dramatically to let her know I meant business.

Her response was to flat out laugh at me. "Halo man? What a stupid name."

Oh no she di'int. No one, adorable pony or otherwise, makes fun of my name. "Guuuurl, you trippin' if you think you can come up in here callin' my name stupid dressed in rags like those." I said with all the sass of an angry black woman on international angry black woman sass day. "I oughta' slap a bitch."

"You dare challenge The Great And Powerful Trixie?!" She shot back angrily.

Wait, what? "Who?" I questioned.

"ME!" She shouted angrily. Jeez, it's not like it's my fault that she's speaking in third person. I thought she was talking about someone else...

"Enough, Trixie! You need to stop harassing my friends and leave Ponyville!" Ordered Twilight, only to get an angry glare from Trixie.

"That's 'The Great And Powerful Trixie' to you!" She yelled back. I couldn't help but laugh at that, which caused Trixie to redirect her glare to me instead. "What's so funny?"

"No way that's your name... Who would name their child something that stupid?" I questioned, still chuckling a bit. She frowned at me, but instead of answering she levitated an I.D. from under her cloak up to my face. Sure enough, her name is literally 'The Great And Powerful Trixie'. "Oh." I responded lamely.

"My parents had a strange sense of humor." She explained. "Anyway, I'm here to prove that I'm the most powerful unicorn in all of Ponyville! And by extension, all of Equestria."

"This again?" Questioned Twilight with a roll of her eyes. "You really came back for that?"

"I thought she was a witch." I stated honestly. "I thought the mob was here to burn her."

"Wha?" Was Twilight's only response. Is the concept of burning witches really that alien to her?

"I'm not a witch!" Shouted T.G.A.P.T who was starting to look more and more angry as this conversation went on. "I won't stand here and let some deformed minotaur insult me. First I'll deal with you, then I'll show Twilight how superior I am."

"Whatever 'The Grape Apple Pear Trixie'! That's right, you're a fruit. OOoooooOh! You best apply cold water to that burn." My insults are so fresh you can suck my nuts.

"We'll see who's a fruit..." She taunted as her horn was engulfed in a red glow.

"Pshhh. I've seen stronger unicorns in the toilet." Her taunts don't work on me, I'm not afraid of her at all. I honestly haven't seen stronger unicorns in the toilet, though. In fact, I've never even seen a unicorn in a toilet, but she doesn't need to know that. "I doesn't afraid of you!" I had to quickly jump to the side as another red laser shot from her horn. The only experience I've ever had with red lasers is from getting hit by spartan lasers, which usually results in my painful death, so I can only assume these lasers are similar. The magical laser flew through where I was previously standing and hit a tree on the other side of the town square, turning it into a pile of fruit.

Shit, she almost turned me into fruit. That's not what I am! The worst part is, the ponies are vegetarians. If I get turned into fruit they won't be able to keep themselves from devouring my juicy, succulent flesh! I had to jump away once again as she fired another laser at the spot I was standing, leaving behind a large scorch mark on the grass.

"This bitch be crazy!" I yelled out while sprinting around to avoid any more lasers.

"Stand still!" Ordered Trixie as she tried to aim her horn at me. No way am I letting this bitch make fruit out of me. "Fine, I'll just use something you can't dodge." Instantly, a sphere of red magical energy began forming around her horn. During all of this, the other ponies just stood and watched like I was putting on a show for them or something. Well fine, I don't need their help anyway. I may be against hurting adorable, little ponies, but she was just asking for it at this point.

I stopped my running and pulled the EMPeePeePuncher off my belt with all the speed of a quick draw champion and began charging it up. "So I heard you like lasers." I taunted as I leveled the gun at her face. The second it was fully charged, I released the trigger, firing a glowing green blob of plasma through the air.

She hardly had time to blink before the plasma hit her directly in the face. Her eyes remained scrunched up for a second, before she tentatively opened them and looked herself up and down. Once she realized that she hadn't been vaporized, her cocky smile returned in full force. "Is that the best you can do? And here I thought you might actually put up a fight for a second. Now then, allow me to show you real magic." She pointed her horn at me for a few seconds before looking confused. "Why isn't it working."

I honestly wasn't sure what just happened. I had intended to burninate her with my laser, but I guess it just EMP'd her instead. EMP does stand for electromagical pulse, after all. "You got EMP'd, therefore no magic for you." She looked shocked, which allowed me to simply walk up and slap her across the face. I learned from the guards in Canterlot not to slap too hard, though she did deserve it. "Told you I'd slap a bitch."

Perhaps I did slap her too hard, though, since she then turned and ran out of town crying. Oh well, I don't even feel bad. Sadly, after all that work, there wasn't even a single corpse for me to hump. Suddenly all the town's ponies started cheering and clapping their hooves together at my victory and I couldn't help but blush a bit at all the attention.

Finally, Twilight decided to join back in the conversation. "What happened?" She asked. Thanks for the help by the way Twilight... And by 'help', I mean 'the opposite of help'.

"Like I said, I sapped her magic via my magical alien gun." I said while pointing to my still smoking plasma pistol.

"Will it come back?"

Will it? I mean, I think it will. "Heh, I assume it will. It never lasted forever when I used it on other halos and vehicles and stuff." She looked relieved that I hadn't permanently removed Trixie's magic, even if she was being a jerk with it.

"Well then, I'll just go back to practicing my magic for when Celestia and the delegates from Saddle Arabia arrive." Said Twilight as she walked off.

And once again, Halo man saves the day.

Dolphin rape caves... This is why I hate the ocean. That, and the millions of other abominations that live there.

Youtube Video

Behold, blessed slaughter

One hump. Two hump. Red hump. Blue hump.

After my epic victory over that laser firing whore known as 'Trixie', the crowd was quick to disperse, going back to their daily pony lives. Lives full of happiness and the eating of gross hay and hay products. Clearly strange stuff happened so often here that this didn't even phase them. Well, they all left except one unicorn who, instead of doing normal unicorn things, just sat there on her haunches staring at me like I'm made of glue or something.

In case you failed high school biology or you have a stupid brain, I'll explain something to you real quick-like. Halos are made out of a lot of things, and not a single one of them is glue. So what I'm saying is: I most certainly am not made of glue.

I looked around a bit to see if she was perhaps staring at something really interesting behind me, but there didn't appear to be anything stare-worthy there. That left me as the soul target of her brutal eye assault. Seeing no other alternative, I took a few steps closer to this unicorn. Unfortunately, now that I was closer I could see that what I previously thought about her stare was entirely wrong. This was the stare of a lioness with a meat fetish, sitting in the grass, looking at the carcass of a dead wildebeest; unsure if it should eat it or violate it or perhaps a mixture of both.

The problem is, I'm the meat here. Now, I get a lot of looks from both ladies and men alike on account of my mind-blowing good looks, so I'm used to it, but this was a little uncomfortable even for me. I felt molested by her eyes as they probed each angle and curve of my body. Nothing was sacred, and I caught myself wishing that I had worn my less-revealing halo armor today. Don't get me wrong, halo armor isn't promiscuous in the slightest, but with an undressing stare like the one I was receiving, not even armor could protect my juicy body from scrutiny.

Now, I appreciate being appreciated as much as the next guy, but this was simply too much. I'm not eye candy, and I'm not just saying that because eye candy isn't a real thing. Like, you can't eat candy with your eyes. That would just hurt!

Deciding that I wanted no more of this, I walked the rest of the way over to the unicorn until she had to crane her neck to see my visor. "Can I help you with something?" I asked, unable to keep all the frustration out of my voice.

She opened her mouth to give what was no doubt going to be a nobel-prize-winning response, but then closed it without saying anything. It took a few moments, but finally she spoke, albeit without even a proper sentence. "Humans."

I briefly wondered whether or not she had some debilitating brain defect and that talking to her would only waste my time, but I pushed those thoughts aside for now. What she said simply didn't make sense. And I'm not saying that from a grammatical standpoint, I'll have plenty of opportunities in the future to be a grammar nazi so I can ignore this one time. What I mean is: why would she say 'humans'? From what I've seen, those don't even exist here.

I mean, the ponies haven't even mentioned humans once since I got here. That just begs the question of how she even knows what that is. Perhaps she was just spouting words and what she said sounded similar to 'humans'. Of course, I can sit here speculating what she meant forever, or I can just ask her. "You want to go ahead and speak a full sentence?" I questioned, letting my distaste for single-word sentences become known.

"You're a human, aren't you?" She asked back, revealing that she is capable of basic speech. Sadly, since she isn't retarded, it would be rude to just walk away now and therefore I have to engage in a dumb conversation.

"No, no, no. I'm a halo." Seeing her confused stare, I felt the need to clarify. "There's a distinct difference between halos and humans, namely that halos are better in every way. Some people speculate that halos evolved from humans, but they're all heretics that should be burned at a stake. I'm a firm believer that Bungie, the sky wizard, used his god magic to create halos in his own image. So no, I'm not a human." I answered, perhaps giving too many personal details in the process. Excuse me if I like bringing up and sharing my religious beliefs with random strangers. What kind of Bungieintologist would I be if I didn't?

"What?... Wait. You're saying that humans exist?" Okay, maybe she is retarded. I just can't decided. She keeps saying stupid shit! Why would she ask me if I am something, then ask me if that something exists? I fail to see the logic there.

"Well duh. Why would you ask about them if they didn't exist? That's just dumb." I pointed out, using the comparatively large concentration of gray matter nestled inside my aching brain meats to connect information logically.

"But humans are just a myth!" She pointed out, and succeeding in confusing me even more.

"Alright, hold your horseshoes for a second here." It's ironic because shoes are for people, not horses. "You ask if I'm a human, then you say that humans are just a myth? Do you go around asking everyone you see if they're a mythical creature? Because if you do, I'd suggest seeking psychiatric help. I mean, really? Do you, like, meet someone new on the street and just straight up ask them if they're a dragon or something?"

Now she was giving me a stare like I was the stupid one. "Why would I ask someone if they're a dragon? Everypony knows what a dragon looks like. I mean, just last season during the dragon migration we saw hundreds of them."

My mind=blown. "Woah wait!" I stopped her before she could go on. "Dragons are real?"

"Well duh." She said back, using the same snide remark I used no more than five exclamations ago. Okay, now she was just bein' a bitch.

Despite her certainty that dragons exist, I fail to see how that's possible. I mean, if they're anything like I'm imagining they shouldn't work biologically. Whatever, she's probably high on pony marijuana or something, so I'll just disregard whatever she says. I'll believe in dragons as soon as I see one for myself.

Deciding to get back to the topic at hand instead of talking about flying, non-dinosaur reptiles, I brought the conversation back on track. "Anyway, I came over here in the first place to inquire as to why you were ocularly raping me. You want to explain that, or should I bring it up with my lawyer?" I hope she doesn't call my bluff. It'll be so embarrassing if she realizes I don't even have a lawyer.

"I was just looking at you because I thought you were a human. I knew they existed, but everypony says I'm insane." I nodded at her, agreeing that she is insane. Unfortunately, she took it as a sign to continue. "My parents put me in an asylum when I was fourteen years-old. They did some freaky stuff to my mind, but I never stopped believing in humans."

"Yeah, I didn't ask for your life story..." I was wrong, this pony isn't mentally disabled, she's just insane. Either way, I want nothing to do with her. At least I think it's a her, I still have trouble discerning pony genders. "Anyway, I'm just going to go do more productive things with my time now. Bye."

"WAIT!" I didn't even have the chance to turn around before she was latched onto my legs with her tentacle-like appendages giving me the most heart-brutalizing pair of puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. Thankfully, as a halo, I don't have a heart. "I need to know about humans! Tell me everything about them!"

It clearly wasn't a question, and I'm not one to take orders. I was about to simply back hand her into submission, as back hands solve all my problems, when a delicious thought penetrated my brain flesh. Why not tell her all about my experiences with humans? What could possibly go wrong? I could hardly keep myself from letting out a stereotypical villain laugh as I thought about how amazingly evil my plan was.

"It all started on a little planet called 'Beach'..."

Over two hours passed of me telling her about every shooting, serial killing, mass murdering, and genocide I had ever taken part in. Believe me, there's a lot to tell. As a halo, it's my job to literally kill everything that moves. It's why Bungie created us and bestowed upon us the gift of firearms. Now I was telling her one last story that had happened quite recently. On some big ol' human space ship with my Master Chief friends.

"Haha! What a story, Chief!" I said, having just finished listening to an invigorating tale about how one of my Master Chief companions successfully removed his scrotum from his armor's zipper after an hour-long struggle. We all walked out of the bathroom together and into a long hallway which lead towards a hangar that held a small halo ship we were going to drive in for whatever reason.

Unfortunately for them, I had a story to trump even that one. "One time I was laying down in the bathroom and I really had to go pee. I didn't want to move, so I took off my pants and peed straight up." It was a true story too.

"That story was so good, I just peed on my own balls." Said one of the Master Chiefs, clearly liking my story a lot.

We didn't have any more time to share fun and interesting urine/testicle related stories, as we exited the hallway into one of the ship's massive hangars. The place was filled with dozens of halo cars, halo tanks, and even small halo ships, but that's not what caught my eye. Patrolling the place like the vermin they are were dozens, if not hundreds, of humans, each armed with firearms. I gritted my teeth at seeing Bungie's gift to halo kind being handled by the likes of them.

"I'm gonna kill them." I stated.

The closest Master Chief quickly put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from immediately charging into battle. "Woah, woah, woah. You need to calm the fuck down. Every time you see anyone you run over and kill them for no reason. It just makes everything more difficult for the rest of us. We just want to get to the ship and get on with our pathetic lives." The other Master Chiefs nodded in agreement.

I couldn't disagree more with that notion, however, and I gave them all a glare that, if directed at a cow, would curdle milk. "It's our charge as halos to slaughter everything that moves. Thats why Bungie bestowed upon us these magnificent motion detectors. If you aren't going to help me, just stay out of my way."

Seeing that they couldn't stop me, they gave a synchronized sigh, and decided that they might as well at least help. I nodded in appreciation while pulling out the huge ass machine gun off my back. For some reason we all had those at the time.

"Now behold, blessed slaughter!" I told them as I walked up to the closest human and unloaded the full force of my drum magazine into his chest plate.

On that day, we murdered hundreds of humans. Unfortunately, being on a human ship, there were literally thousands more of them, and they just kept coming. With their seemingly endless numbers, we finally just got on our halo ship and flew away. It was glorious!

I finished recounting my tales of murder and generally being a dick, and finally looked down at the pony before me. I was shocked to see that she was dead... Clearly her little pony heart couldn't handle that level of horror. I kneeled down, poking the corpse a few times to make sure she wasn't just passed out or something. Yep, she was dead alright. Looking around, I was thankful to see that there weren't a lot of ponies in the immediate area and none seemed to pay me or the now dead body any mind.

Now I just had to dispose of the body before anyone got suspicious. No big deal, I'm a master actor. I learned from watching the best: Nicolas Cage. No one will ever suspect a thing. I simply began whistling inconspicuously as I hefted the body up and onto my shoulder. Turning on my heel, I walked towards the outskirts of town.

I had a funeral to attend to, after all.

Eugoogalizer

Men, women and children... None were spared the master's humps. Your death will be no different.

With my acting and sneaking skills in their prime, getting to the outskirts of town unnoticed was hardly a challenge. I even adopted a cardboard box at one point, role-playing Metal Gear Man as I snuck around in it. If only I had a tight spandex suit, then I could have role-played even harder.

Now outside of town and alone in a grassy field, I set down the pony corpse, glad to get the smelly thing off my shoulder. For some reason, dead bodies in this dimension take a really long time to despawn. No matter, it would soon be buried and then I would never have to look at the disgusting thing ever again.

I knelt down, poking at the ground with my hand. I didn't really think this far ahead. No doubt it would be much easier to dig a grave if I had a shovel or something. I guess I could just use my hands. How hard could it possibly be?

I pushed down, pressing my tender meat fingers into the hard-packed earth, and managed to unearth a small clump of dirt along with the grass and weeds growing atop it, before placing it in a tiny pile to the side. I repeated the process for countless seconds, pulling forth tiny handful of dirt after tiny handful of dirt. Finally, I stood up, wiping the sweat off my helmeted brow with the back of a gauntleted hand.

Looking down at the fruits of all my hard labor, I was shocked to see that I had barely even dug a tiny trench in the ground. It turns out digging a grave is harder than it looks. No wonder halos just despawn when they die. Graves suck!

I looked at the body laying spread-eagle in the grass, before looking back to the small hole I made, mentally judging whether or not it would fit. After a few moments, I decided that it was good enough. I dragged the cadaver over, pushing it into the small indentation in the earth, before using the dirt in the little pile I made to cover it up. I did my best anyway, the dirt hardly covered any of it!

I sighed in annoyance. This is WAY too much work just to dispose of a body. Whatever, nobody comes out here anyway. I can just leave it here and it will likely despawn before anyone even notices it. If only it was a halo body. Halos despawn within seconds of death.

Standing back a few feet and wiping the dirt off my hands, I looked down at the crudely made grave. The pony's head and legs poked out of the dirt pile and her tongue lolled out of the corner of her mouth. Surely even an autistic monkey with a plastic shovel could create a better grave, but I just don't give even half the shits required for me to do a better job. No matter, it's the thought that counts, and I thought I had already wasted enough time on it.

Now then, my knowledge of funerals is limited, but I'm pretty sure this is the part where a eulogizer comes in and talks about the deceased. I looked around, briefly wondering if a eulogizer would show up and make my life significantly more easy, but alas, I'm not nearly that lucky.

I let out a long, drawn-out sigh as I realized I would have to do this myself. Funerals are too much work. I really regret killing her now. If only I could go back and stop myself, then I wouldn't have to waste so much time doing this stupid shit. Whatever, I might as well get this over with.

"We're gathered here today to celebrate- no that's not the correct word- uh... Commemorate?" Sounds good enough so I'll just go with that. "The death of..." Wow, this is awkward. I don't even know this pony's name. "Pony..." I finished lamely. Thank Bungie I don't have an actual audience.

"She was a blue-ish-green color, and she had a horn... She will be missed. Please- uh, blessed pony god...? Send her to... Pony Heaven...? In Bungie's holy name I pray, amen." Shewf, I guess that wasn't so hard. Now that that's over with I can continue doing important things with my life. I turned around and began my short journey back to Ponyville. It didn't take long as I was only like twenty feet away from the town's outermost buildings.

Now that I was back in town I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Mission accomplished. With any luck no one will ever even notice that the pony went missing. Now to do... I really don't know. I never plan this far ahead.

My answer was given in the form of a double pink pony, walking through town, greeting every pony she saw. I'll go talk to her! I ran up a short ways and waved at the only pony in the immediate area that I know.

"Hey Pinkie."

She turned and gave me one of those big, adorable smiles. "Hiya Halo man! What have you been up to today?"

OH SHIT! She's on to me! She knows what I did! Just play it cool Halo man. Your powers of deception are beyond the comprehension of mortal minds. All I have to do is change the subject and she'll never suspect a thing! But how do I change the subject?! What could I possibly say?

Beads of sweat began trickling down my visor as I looked all around for something interesting. Then my eyes settled on exactly what I needed. A way out! A gift from Bungie himself! I pointed up towards a nearby tree. "Hey look, a bird!"

Sure enough, she looked and saw exactly what I was pointing at. "Yep. That's a bird alright." She said without a trace of sarcasm in her voice. Ahaha! Halo man wins again. Now all I need to do is keep her off topic and she'll never even realize I played mind games with her.

"So, what have you been doing lately?" How clever and nefarious I am, using a rehashed version of her own question against her.

Unfortunately, I soon realized the folly of my ways as she began spouting dozens of words about every single thing she had done lately. Not even rudimentary things like breathing and using the bathroom were kept out as she told me EVERYTHING. I didn't even know ponies used tampons... What the hell is a tampon anyway?

After several long minutes of listening to her, I decided to just continue with my walk through the town. I dared not interrupt her lest she once again ask about my day. I'd rather that no one finds out about me killing a pony. No one shall ever know!

Of course, Pinkie Pie walked with me, still spurting hundreds of thousands of words from her mouth hole at a staggering rate. I tried to ignore it, but her words easily penetrated my ear holes, caressing my limbic system with their sound-wave-fingers. The worst part is, she was gradually speeding up, saying things faster and faster to the point where, to the mortal ear, it just sounded like gibberish. It was getting really annoying... I had to put a stop to this!

"HEY!" I called, instantly quieting her with my loud exclamation. Now she was looking up at me, wondering why I had cut into her story time. I hadn't really thought about how to go about quieting her as just seconds earlier her rapid fire words were making it difficult to even think straight, so I just went with the first thing that popped into my brain. "You're talking too fast, I can't understand you."

I internally sighed. That didn't help much at all...

"Oh, sorry, I do that sometimes," she admitted. "I was just talking about how I had cloned myself a bunch with the magic mirror pool in the forest."

"A magical cloning pool?" I asked, getting the mental image of a bunch of Pinkie Pie fetuses floating in cloning test-tubes.

"Yeah. I made a bunch of copies of myself. They kinda got out of hand and made everypony in town mad, though." Her ears drooped down at the mention of making everyone mad. Pinkie clones? How interesting.

"And where exactly is this magic pool?"

"It's out in a cave in the Everfree forest. Twilight covered it up with a big huge boulder though, so nothings getting in there." Like rocks could ever stop me... Of course, now I was interested. I always wanted a brother. Maybe I could just clone one. I mean, what could possibly be better than having two super cool halos running around? My mind instantly came up with the answer. What if I had a bunch of super cool halo friends?

"Can you take me there?" I asked Pinkie excitedly. I don't know if she was following my line of thinking, but she seemed to perk up at my newfound excitement. She began bouncing up in down on her adorable little hooves.

"Sure! Oh, it'll be just like a super duper adventure! Come on!" Without giving any more warning, she rocketed off down the street, nearly knocking several ponies over in the process. Damn that ponies fast! Seeing no reason to object, I sprinted after her.

Thankfully, I'm pretty darn fast myself, or I wouldn't have even been able to keep up at all. Unfortunately, even with all my amazing speed, I wasn't able to catch up completely. It only took a minute or two of running before we left town behind and got close to the tree line of what I assumed to be the 'Everfree forest'. The trees weren't particularly tall, but they were thick with a dense canopy. No doubt it would be hard to navigate through there on my own. Thankfully, I had a guide.

I was about to call out for Pinkie Pie to wait up, when she ran headlong into the forest, not even slowing down slightly as she avoided running into the trees with amazing athletic skill and cat-like reflexes. The same couldn't be said for me as when I got close I was forced to slow down to avoid smashing my face into a low hanging branch.

I slowed to a stop in between the first row of trees, looking around to see if I could spot my bright-pink guide. Even with her lack of camouflage she was nowhere to be seen.

"Pinkie?!" I called out, hoping that she would hear me and come back. After standing there for a few moments it became apparent that she hadn't heard me. Oh well, I guess I'll just follow after her. I knew which way she went, at least. I began walking through the trees, instantly noting how much darker it was thanks to the thick roof of leafs above me, blocking out the midday sun. I also had to constantly look out for branches lest I walk straight into one.

As I got past the outlying trees, the foliage gradually became denser and the trees sagged heavily under the weight of thick vines. It was really making even walking straight difficult. I pushed the sticks and plants out of my way, wishing that I had a laser sword to cut through it all. The tiny, little knife I carried with me just wouldn't cut it.

I kept on pushing through, going in the approximate direction that I saw Pinkie go, with only the sounds of distant birds and my constant swearing at the stupid plants as company. Hopefully I would find her soon so I didn't have to spend all day in this annoying forest. I was just about to pull out my knife and start slicing plants to shreds anyway, when Pinkie Pie suddenly fell from a tree just in front of me.

"AGH!" I screeched, though it was very manly and not bitch-like at all, I assure you. I totally wasn't surprised even one bit.

"There you are!" Said my pink pony friend as though I was the one who had run off into the forest and not her. "You really aught to be more careful. It's easy to get lost in here." Now she was scolding me for nearly getting lost? Hell no! I was about to tell her what was what when she once again darted between the trees.

"Come on!" She called back. "It's just over here!"

Deciding that it would be a bad idea to get into a fight with my 'guide' about proper guiding etiquette, I decided to simply follow her. I had to push through some thick brambles and twisted vines, but, thankfully, she hadn't gone far. She had stopped at a gap in the trees, not nearly big enough to be considered a clearing, but at least there was some breathing room. I walked up next to her wondering where we would go next, when she pointed a foreleg to a large rock jutting partially out of the ground.

"Here we are!"

I gave her my best look of annoyance, though it didn't seem to register. Whether that's because I'm wearing a helmet or because Pinkie is clueless is anyone's guess. "That's a rock." I pointed out.

"Actually, it's a boulder. As you can see, it's greater than 8 inches in diameter."

Technically she was correct, so I couldn't argue with that. "Yes, but I was under the impression we were visiting a pool."

"Well duh. The pools underground! I told you Twilight covered it up with a boulder."

I was about to make a rebuttal, but scrolling up, it turns out she did say that. "Oh... Well then how do we get to it?" I asked hoping there would be an easy way.

"Get to what?"

"The inside of the cave?! How do we get inside?"

"Inside? Why would we want to go inside?"

"To see the cloning pool thing of course!" I practically shouted out. Why would we come all the way out here just to look at a rock?! A boulder* I mean.

"There's a boulder in the way, silly. We can't see the pools."

Now she was messing with me, I just know it. No matter, I didn't come all the way out here to be denied. Rocks, much like rules and spines, are made to be broken. Thankfully I carry explosives on me at all times in case of explosive-related emergencies. I pulled a grenade off my belt, ready to blast this rock to (Elder Scrolls)oblivion, when I realized I was holding my pulse grenade. I sighed in disappointment. Pulse grenades are worthless! I doubt one could even break a wittle bitty baby rock. I put it back on my belt and instead pulled out a plasma grenade.

Sure it doesn't have the explosive power of a frag grenade, but it'll do just fine. I pushed a little button on the side, causing it to glow blue as alien-sticky-magic flowed over its surface.

"Oooooh what's that? Is it some kind of halo fruit? Can I have some?!" I have no idea where she got that idea from, but I definitely wasn't letting her put this thing in her mouth. I already had the blood of one pony on my hands. Figuratively, of course. There wasn't actually any blood.

"No, it's not a halo fruit, it's a deadly explosive. Now stand back." She took one step back, then looked at me with a raised eyebrow, as though questioning if that was good enough.

"Further!" I ordered with a wave of my other hand. She instantly shot back into the foliage, completely out of sight. I couldn't help but facepalm (with my free hand, of course. I don't want a sticky grenade on my face). I feel like she was being difficult on purpose.

"Not that far away. You won't be able to see the awesome explosion from back there!"

She inched forward a few meters, her head poking out from the leafs of a large fern. "Stop!" She instantly froze. Good, now she was in the perfect spot. Thankfully, being the smart halo I am, I never took my finger off the activation button of the plasma grenade, so it didn't blow up and rend the flesh from my bones in a gruesome display that would haunt Pinkie Pie's dreams for years to come.

Instead I was able to safely stick it onto the side of the boulder and take my place next to Pinkie Pie. It exploded in a conflagration of blue magical-alien-flames as alien weapons are wont to do. It wasn't particularly spectacular, but Pinkie Pie cheered anyway like it was a firework show or something. If only I had a large cache of explosives, or perhaps a thermonuclear warhead, then I could give Pinkie a proper show. No matter, the grenade got the job done as it blew the boulder into dozens of comparatively smaller boulders and tiny rock chunks.

Once the dust settled I was able to see a hole under the debris, clearly leading into the cave Pinkie mentioned.

It looks like once again explosives solve all problems.

Army of Halos

In space, no one can hear you hump.

The cave only seemed to have one path, and the ceiling was high enough for me to barely squeeze through, so I was able to maneuver through it easy enough even with my unhelpful guide. She didn't seem too excited about venturing into the cave for whatever reason, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to make clones of me and have lots of fun. I can already imagine it... Me and my clones doing all kinds of activities together.

We could play board games, and fly kites, and pet kittens. Maybe we could even get kinky when no one is watching. Or maybe even when others are watching, since that just makes it even kinkier.

With my thoughts focused on the future self-cest I would likely participate in, I didn't notice a small root jutting out of the wall at the perfect height to trip me. It was pretty dark in there, so there's my excuse. Anyway, my big halo foot caught on the root and I fell forward, tumbling down the suddenly steep path into a larger chamber where I collided with a rather large rock. I sat there in a tangled mess of my own limbs, slightly dazed, when Pinkie Pie trotted up in front of me.

"You gotta watch out for those roots," she said. That might have been helpful like fifteen seconds earlier. I stood up, cracking my back and shaking away the dizziness before giving Pinkie a stern gaze. She didn't seem particularly affected by this, though, and just continued talking. "Alright, we've seen the cave, now we can go back to Ponyville." She finished by giving a huge smile.

She smiles all the time, but something felt different this time. It almost seemed forced. I rubbed a gauntlet across my halo chin as I examined her with utmost scrutiny. "You're acting kinda funny."

"Funny?" She asked. "Like 'haha' funny, or funny looking?"

Then it came to me. Her unhelpful attitude, the way she keep stalling for time, and the beads of sweat appearing on her forehead as she continued her awkward smile. She was trying to distract me! But why? I narrowed my gaze at her, now onto her games. "What are you playing at?"

"Playing? I'm not playing anything. We could play a game though, that sounds like fun, right? Yeah, let's play a game," she finished that statement by pulling an entire board game out of her tail, already fully set up and ready to be played. She tossed a pair of dice down, before moving a little pony figurine across the board. "Now it's your turn!"

I continued looking at her, crossing my arms to further get my irritation across to her. I could tell it was working by the sweat that was now flowing down her face like a tiny, sweaty, pony version of Niagara Falls. "You're up to something, I know you are. You keep trying to stall me or something! Why?"

She bit her lip and turned away, refusing to make eye contact. I decided to press the issue, seeing as she seemed pretty reluctant to answer any of my questions in a non-subject-changing way. "I want to make clones of myself, and you're the only one here who knows how. So are you going to help me?"

"Pshhh, who needs clones anyway?" She waved her hoof through the air, as though swatting away such foolish ideas. "You know, I bet if we go back to Ponyville we can throw a party or something." Now she was blatantly changing the subject, and I didn't like it.

"You don't want me to make clones?" I asked.

"Ummm. Well, you see..." She finally sighed before going into a high speed explanation of her actions. "Twilight told me not to make any more clones because last time they caused a big problem and that's why she covered the cave up with a rock and I'll get in trouble if I help you and she murdered all my other clones with magic laserrrrrs!" As she finished her explanation tears began streaming down her face. "I don't want her to kill all the halo man clones too!" She sniffled.

Now I felt bad. I didn't want to make her cry. I reached down and comforted her in the only way I knew how, the same way I comforted all my lady friends. I lifted up her cheek and planted a kiss right on her pony lips. I even used a little bit of tongue. After a few seconds I pulled away, seeing Pinkie staring at me with wide eyes. She wasn't crying anymore, though, so mission successful. "Twilight won't kill my clones, Pinkie," I reassured her.

She didn't seem capable of forming a proper rebuttal at the moment as her mouth was flopping open and closed like a salmon on international flop day. "But, but... But Twilight-"

I interrupted her by placing a finger against her lips. I decided I'd need to do a better job convincing her to help me, so I made something up. "Besides, I'm supposed to be protecting Ponytown or some shit like that. If there are a bunch of me I'll be able to deal with anything super easily." It was sounds logic, so it's of little surprise that Pinkie nodded her head.

"I guess you're right. I have been being a real silly pony."

"Yes, well, that's all in the past," I waved it off, not caring to dwell on the subject. All I cared about at the moment was making more halos. Come to think of it, isn't that what all halos strive for? To reproduce. Bah, that's a query for another time.

Now that I had the chance, I was finally able to examine to pool. It really was lackluster in every way. Here I was expecting some grand, magical, cloning pool with test tubes and a little waterfall, and maybe even a few pixies, but all I get is a bland old pool. I wouldn't even be able to see it, or anything else in this dark cave, if it weren't for the magical, blue, glowing plants growing on the walls and ceiling of the chamber.

"This is it?" I asked, now slightly skeptical. It just now occurred to me that Pinkie Pie could be hardcore trollin' me here.

"Yep!" She responded with as much vigor as ever before hopping over and looking into the pool.

"How exactly does it work?" I questioned as I stepped up beside her, seeing my reflection perfectly in the still water.

"You just look into the water and say the magic words, then a clone will appear."

Well that's just great, now there are magic words? What's next? Am I going to have to acquire an ancient magical weapon and slay a dragon? Bungie-forbid the 'magic words' are something cheesy. "What magic words?"

It looked like she was about to say, but then she caught herself. Instead she replied with a simple, "It just has to rhyme".

Rhymes eh? Will that is much simpler than I thought. Thankfully, I'm well endowed when it comes to rhyming. Growing up on the harsh streets of Reach taught me a thing or two about rap. Knowing how to rap is a lot like knowing how to ride a bike, you never forget. That is assuming you're an elephant with a perfect memory, of course.

Luckily, I knew some of the most amazing rhymes ever invented, and I recited them with perfect rhythm as I stared into the pool.

If my eyes weren't firmly locked within the confines of my visor, they likely would have tumbled out onto the floor as suddenly a perfect clone of me crawled out of the pool. That would have been the second time my balls have dropped, if you catch my drift wood. Either way, I was left speechless as the purple halo pulled himself up on dry land and stood up to look me in the visor.

"Humps," he stated simply. My smile lit up and I instantly knew I liked this guy. No doubt me and him had a lot in common. He is my twin after all.

"Humps!" I replied, giving him a high five. This was likely one of the happiest moments of my life. I always thought the world would be a lot better if there were just more of me in it. Then I remembered that I had no intention of stopping at just one clone.

The ponies had best prepare their anuses, for halos are coming...

The ponies of Ponyville went about their day in complete bliss. Despite living right next to the Everfree forest, and suffering countless magical and natural disasters, the residents went on with their lives as though nothing could ever possibly go wrong. Why should they fear? It was a beautiful day, and everyone knows nothing bad happens on such beautiful days.

Then, as if to spite them for their foolish beliefs, the ground started to rumble. It was quiet at first, and the ponies had to raise their heads and flick their ears from side to side to hear where it was coming from. Of course, it wasn't long 'til the sound was much louder and they were able to see the cloud of dust being kicked up by mine and the other halos' feet. We were legion, numbering over fifty strong. Never before has such a mighty force been assembled.

Over fifty halos, all ready to hump at a moments notice. Truly humans and aliens alike should be shaking in their boots. I ran at the head of the crowd, eager to get to Ponyville to see the ponies reactions to such a terrifying army. Despite the raw power of my clones and I, Pinkie Pie ran along side me at the front of the pack with a massive smile on her face. I told her that she could throw us all a massive party once we got back to town, something she seemed infinitely happy about. She may be kinda annoying some times, but she knows how to throw a good party.

Once we got close, the ponies crowding the streets were finally able to hear our battle chant; "Humps. Humps. Humps." It was glorious, and I could practically taste the wonder radiating from their massive eyes. We slowed down as we got into town, now having almost every single ponies' attention. Naturally, this meant that purple pone, AKA Twilight was present along with the mayor. The two of them shared a concerned look, before Twilight stepped forward a bit, intercepting me in the middle of the street.

"What's going on here?" She questioned, before looking at Pinkie Pie. The answer must've been obvious given how she narrowed her eyes at the pink pony. "I thought I told you never to use the mirror pool again. I blocked it up for a reason."

Pinkie smiled awkwardly while rubbing the back of her head with one hoof. "Hehe, I guess I remember you saying something about that..."

Twilight sighed before rubbing the bridge of her snout with one hoof as though this whole situation was extremely frustrating. "Which one of you is the real Halo man? I need to get rid of the clones before they start causing problems." She lowered her head slightly as her horn lit up with a purple magical aura.

I, along with all my clones, instantly pulled out our plasma pistols, aiming them at the threatening pony. "You watch where you point that thing. Pinkie told me all about how you destroyed all her clones with magical lasers."

Twilight's eyes instantly widened and she pulled her head back at seeing me draw my weapon. She saw what it did to the blue unicorn when she tried to cast a spell, and she clearly wanted none of that. "B-but, we have to get rid of the clones. We can't keep them here," she tried to explain.

Unfortunately for her, I wasn't too excited about getting rid of my new friends. Not before we had a party and maybe went on an adventure or two. "Now listen here miss purple pone. You and your princesses wanted me here to protect you if something happened, and now you have an army of me. I don't see how this is a bad thing. And if you ever point that glowey horn at me or my clones again I'll EMP the shit outa you."

She bit her lip and stepped back a bit without a rebuttal. Clearly I had won this argument. It's really no surprise, I am the main character super smart.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a party to get to." I turned to my pink companion, noticing that she seemed pretty put off that she upset Twilight. "Isn't that right, Pinkie?"

She perked up at that, getting back to her excited self nearly instantly at the prospect of throwing me, the amazing halo man, and all my clones a super swank party. Maybe some of the ponies would even show up. Then we could have so much fun! "Yeppie deppie!" She called out as she ran off to some unknown location.

Turning back to my halo armada, I gestured in the direction Pinkie Pie had disappeared in. "Onward to party town!" Little do they know, this is Ponyville, not party town at all. Ha ha, I'm such a legendary trole.

"Humps!" They all shouted back in unison before we headed off in a mob. Meanwhile, the crowd of ponies watched from the sidelines with mouths hanging open as they observed yet another weird, magic-related disaster unfolding before their very eyes. Even with their childish and ignorant brains, they could still sense the feeling of impending doom that hung in the air as my halo clones and I went forth to party.

Halo party

You should hump them all; You MUST hump them all.

Now, I feel I should explain a thing or two about halo parties, because these aint no ordinary-human parties. Halos were born to party, and when it comes to parties we don't take "no" for an answer. Partying is in our blood. I mean that in the most literal of ways. A lot of halos literally explode with confetti and party noises when they die.

With that said, it's of little surprise that Sugarcube Corner had, in mere moments, transformed from a normal bakery to the most hip-hoppinist, clip-cloppinist party Ponyville had ever seen. My halo clones were twerking left and right, showing off their meaty thighs, packed to the brim with muscles from the humping of countless friends and foes alike. I joined in on the fun, shaking my ass like it was grass. Or, wait, not like grass at all. More like a rattlesnake.

Needless to say we were all having a gay ol' time. Who would have ever thought this many halos could be together in one place without slaughtering each other? It truly was a Christmas Miracle.

I was having a great time, and literally nothing could ever possibly happen to make this not the best day of my life. I mean, what could possibly be better than a bunch of me? Each as sexy as the last, and with the best personality ever.

"Hump," said a nearby halo, eliciting a few nods of agreement from other halos. I couldn't help but whole-heartedly agree, giving him a thumbs up.

"Hump indeed," I could feel my visor twisting into a grotesque facsimile of a smile, my heart was filled with so much sunshine, sunshine. Never had I felt this overjoyed. I was finally among those who understood me, those who I could truly call my family. Those little shit kids I raised never made me feel like this, and neither did Ridley, that bitch. Perhaps coming to Ponyville and doing all this stuff was worth it if this was the reward.

Just then, a fat blue pony wobbled its way into the room, looking insanely confused. Damn, I'd never seen such a fat pony before. I didn't even know they could get that fat! It's like that pony had birthed twins, fed them diabetes-inducing amounts of pastries until they were overweight, and then devoured them, absorbing their fat into itself. What I would do next was necessary, as my amazing brain was already working on a really hilarious insult for the fat pony. The other halos would love it. I opened my mouth to say it, when one of the other halos decided to flap his yap.

"Hey, have you ever heard of slim fast?" The fat pony looked pretty upset and it jiggled its way up the stairs like a fat cat, crying the whole way.

But more importantly, that was gonna be my joke! All the other halos laughed, reveling in joy at the obese pony's expense. Those laughs were supposed to be for me! This was getting way out of hand, I had to handle this halo style. I walked up to my clone who had said the joke and poked him right in the chest, getting up in his visor like 'what?'.

"What do you think you're doing?" I spat, the chestnut musk of my breath misting up his visor.

"Just doing halo things," he replied back, much too casually for my tastes.

"I'm the one around here who's supposed to be doing those halo things, so you'd best back off."

He didn't look convinced though. "I'll keep doing halo things whether you like it or not," he replied, spraying venom onto my visor with his halo fangs like a king cobra. My teeth grit as he met my glare with one of his own. Who did this cocky bastard think he was? I wasn't gonna let him just come in here and disrespect me, no way. I'd show this idiot who's boss.

Pinkie Pie seemed to sense the growing tension in the air, or perhaps she just noticed the party had stopped and the two of us were face-to-face. Either way, she felt fit to butt in, not wanting a fight to break out at her party. A noble intention, but she should have realized that this was no ordinary-human party, and if this guy was being an asshole, I would fight him.

"Hey now, no need to get all frowny-wowny," she looked around briefly, trying to spot something to redirect our attention to. Very clever Pinkie, but not nearly as clever as a halo. "How about some punch?!" She pointed to the half-full bowl of purple liquid, smiling so wide, her pearly-whites looked like Moby Dick.

What a good idea, Pinkie. Without a seconds' hesitation I flung my mighty fist forward, pushing through the atmosphere as though the air was naught but warm butter, and hit the other halo right in the noggin. His shield let out a bright flash as it barely managed to block the titanic punch, and he was quick to throw a punch of his own. Such is the custom for halo fights, and I took the punch straight to the face like a champ, my magical shields just as easily blocking his strike. This was a fight he simply couldn't win, however, as I'd gotten the first punch. before he could punch me a second time, I followed through with my left arm, striking him right in the fucking dick.

He let out a grunt of pain as his internal organs were shifted counter clockwise in his body, and he fell to the ground, 100% genuine dead, a pool of glitter and streamers forming around him. I stood over his corpse for a moment, reveling in the sweet taste of another murder well done, before moving forward to simultaneously honor and dishonor his corpse. I rubbed my halo crotch all over his nice, clean armor with practiced movements in a humiliating display. At the same time, I know it's what he would have wanted.

After a moderately-long session, I stood back to my full, impressive height, gazing at the rest of the halos gathered 'round. Most of them didn't look too impressed, and had stopped partying altogether to watch the brief fight.

After a moment, one of them spoke up, pointing right at me. "That ass wombat just murdered one of my halo clones. What a massive dick." I'll show him a massive dick! Wait, his clone? I'm the original Halo man. Me!

"Hey, you're all my clones. I'll do whatever I want because, as clones, none of you have souls while I do." That'll show 'em who's boss.

"Bullshit," spouted another Halo, unfortunately naive despite being my clone. "I'm the real, original, genuine Halo man. I go pee standing up, and I tell lots of jokes."

Now, I couldn't just sit here and let all these halos think for even one second that I'm not superior to them in every way. No sir, not on my watch. Something had to be done. Something drastic. Without a second thought, I pulled out my little green alien gun, pointing it right at the offending halo. The other halos instantly stopped their rambunctiousness as they saw my weapon, each of them grabbing their own green alien gun and pointing it randomly around the room.

Most eyes were on me as I glared at the halo in my sights, daring him to say something stupid. "You blasphemous little slut, I'm the real halo man, not you. You're all just my clones." Unfortunately, despite the truth unspooling from my face, the other halos didn't stand down. Clearly their clone brains were malfunctioning or something. Hell, I don't know. I'm no mathmagician.

Then I got an ultimate idea. The one way to settle this once and for all. It was a foolproof plan, one that had worked perfectly in the past. I couldn't help but sound a little smug as I opened my mouth to share it with the others. "Will the real Halo man please stand up?" Unfortunately, we all remained standing. "I repeat, will the real Halo man please stand up?"

Now that I think about it, that's never worked in the past... I guess it wasn't such a great idea after all. No matter, I'd just use my intelligent words to win their trust over. We're all intelligent halos, after all. Surely they can see that fighting will get us nowhere.

"I'm the real Halo man," said one of the other halos. I instantly turned and scowled at him, as did every other halo in the room and, in a moment, over a dozen lasers were aimed at him.

"U wot m8?" Growled a clone, clearly as unhappy with this lie-spitting rat as I was.

"You take that back right this second," I ordered. Unfortunately, my commanding presence did little to sway his simple mind. Clearly that halo had been lost to insanity already. Such a shame. Before I could even consider how best to put him down, another halo piped up.

"I'm Halo man. The rest of ya'll are dingus-brained clones. Get on my lvl." Well he sure as hell isn't the real Halo man, I'd never say anything that stupid.

"If you're Halo man, why is that what I am?" Asked another halo. "Checkmate atheists." Bitch please, I'm no atheist.

Now this was just getting ridiculous. None of these guys were the real Halo man yet they were all too blind to see it. Well, I wasn't about to let this sacrilege against my good name go unpunished. I charged my alien laser, the tip glowing green with deadly alien magic as I aimed it willy nilly into the room.

"The next one of you mother fudgecups that tries to claim you're me is getting an EMPeepee punch, or your money back!" I threatened. The whole room quieted down for a moment. Clearly my intimidating presence was too much for these-

"I'm the real Halo man," one said. With reflexes comparable to a cheetah infused with lightning superpowers(from putting a fork into a power outlet) I turned and fired my laser. The green ball of magic sprung out with all the fury of a honey badger, smacking the offending halo right in the jaw. Before he could even apologize for his blasphemous tongue and atone for his sins, I lunged forward, my fist red-hot with halo rage, and I punched him in the peepeetube. Such is my specialty, after all.

He let out a grunt, and confetti sprung from his body as he collapsed to the ground, thoroughly dead. I brushed my hands clean of filth, reveling in another job-well-done. Unfortunately, I couldn't even take a moment to hump the body before another halo decided to butt in.

"That'll serve him right for thinking he was the real Halo man. That's what I am, after all."

"No way, I'm halo man, you liar. I'll kill you!" Yelled another as he jumped at him, the two halos engaging in a brutal fist fight. Within seconds the entire room erupted in a massive brawl as each halo claimed they were me. I saw Pinkie Pie, who had utterly failed to stop the fight, evacuate the premise through a closed window. Good thing too, since none of the halos seemed to be holding back.

The air filled with alien lasers, burning holes in the walls and ceiling, and some halos even elected to pull out their DMR's, pumping lead into each other from point-blank. Most chose to simply use punches, though, as we were all packed into the tiny building. I quickly leapt into the heat of things, smacking a halo in the back while he was busy fighting others and instantly killing him. Everybody knows magical halo shields don't work against knifes or punches form behind.

The air filled with confetti and lasers and bullets and smoke, bodies littering the floor. Now this was a true halo party! I was having such a great time, it took me a second to realize what I was seeing as a glowing blue ball dropped to the ground. It seemed one of the halos got smart enough to use his grenades. Good for him!

It took me about .2 seconds to realize the implications of this, as at least a dozen inactive alien grenades lay across the floor. My eyes widened, knowing all too well what would come next, and I dove to the ground, managing to hide behind a partially-destroyed table.

Then Sugarcube Corner detonated in a blueberry explosion.

Crunchy yet satisfying

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Good, clean forest fun

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