Princess Celestia yawned. She had just woken up from a weird dream. Her royal guard stood at the front door
boldly.
"Good morning, My lord." He said.
"Thanks. You too. I had a weird dream last night. You were wacthing me in my sleep and started to fap."
The gaurd's face turned a crimson red.
"W-what a unsual dream. Must of been the box of pony juice you had before bed.(if you know what I mean)"
"Anyway, what kind of royal shit do I h-... OW! LUAREN FAUST, WHAT WAS THAT FOR YOU ASS FUCK?" Princess Celestia screamed as she turned her head to see that a rock hit the back of her neck. She walked over to one of the windows in her royal sleeping quarters.
"Not these fags again."
Many ponies were gathered in the royal courtyard. They were there for one reason, they were there because they were faggots born by fag trolls that fucked fags who punch ponies that were born by anti-brony fags. Princess Celestia got so furious she almost shat on her bed room floor.
"I thought you got rid of these faggots last week!" she furiously exclaimed to her weirdo guard.
"I did!" he said.
She sighed and walked outside to meet the many sons of fat fags. She walked out of the dark shadow of the door to her front courtyard with four guards following her. The ponies rejoiced as their second favorite alicorn appeared.
"Good morning my loyal subjects." Celestia said nicely, as a princess would.
The ponies bowed at the presence of the Princess Celestia.
"Rise." she commanded.
A small young filly came running out of the large group.
"Hi, there, Princess Celestia my name is Sunrays. I'm gonna be a princess like you!" She said enthusiastically.
Celestia lowered her face to the little foal, scanning her carefully. "Really? I can't wait to share the castle with you! But in order to become a princess you need to go through a special obstacle course, follow the guard to wait inside for your royal test." Celestia said to the foal. She watched from where she was standing to assure the filly was gone.
"Alright asses, GET OFF MY MUTHA FUGDEN' LAWN!"
The crowd awed in disappointment.
"Come on, shew."
The guard that was with her in the bed room came running out.
"Princess, please forgive me for this foolish mistake." he pleaded.
"Don't worry, I'm sure it won't happen again." she chuckled.
"Thank you princess, oh so very much."
As the guard ran back to his station, Celestia stayed behind and whistled a brief tune. At a sound of a hawk's call, a shady stallion with a detailed robe came jumping from above, running past Celestia, to the running guard.As the mysterious figure ran he made his hookblade to appear. He performed a hook and run on the guard, turned around, and with kick-ass slow motion, he swept his hoof under the guard to take away his balance, kicked him into the air and stabbed his target in the most vulnerable place visible, resulting in the innocent guard's gruesome death. She slowly walked over to the bloody corpse and shook her head.
"It's retards like this that'll drive my palace to the ground."
She threw a sack of coins to the assassin. He grabbed it and quickly ran into the branches of a nearby tree, causing him to disappear.
"Gaurds! Remove the armor and feed the body to the sharks. Cut off his member and place it in a box and send it to his wife. It should have a card that says 'sorry we fucked up your husband'."
She walked back in to her castle and plopped on her throne. She thought for a moment. 'Damn, I need to change this flooring!'. Suddenly, she had just remembered that she had a filly waiting. She did away with the poor filly and went back to sitting on her throne. By the time she reached back Luna was laid out on the floor reading a vintage batman comic book. It was one she bid for online.
"What's wrong? You look a bit down."
"I'm tired of having to deal with this country's bullshit. 'Go do this! Go fuck that!'. Isn't there anything else to my pathetic life?"
Her guard standing his position at the throne shuffled. She didn't pay any attention. He shuffled a bit more, this time making noise. He began to cough.
"Celest damit! Take that cock out your ass and stop moving around!"
"I'm sorry, your highness. I suggest you go to the spell room to satisfy your boredom."
Celestia was confused but interested. You could tell from the mixed expression on her face.
"It is the practice room. In which you used to practice your spells in when your mother, Princess Eclipse, was the ruler." He said as he had noticed this hint.
" Hey, don't mention that asshole' s name!"
Luna cut in. "You're just mad because she punished you whenever you did wrong."
"Punished? More like abused." She argued. Celestia was known by her sister to hold a grudge.
Luna rolled her eyes at her older sister's non-sense she called an argument. "Any who, can you please lead us to the room?"
The guard blushed a slight pink at the tone of Luna' s soft, kind voice. He most likely made a fool of himself around her. He absolutely admired her. If only he didn't get so choked up at the sight of of her glowing face and pearly smile. The guard stumbled from his post as he tried to regain his train of thought. He cleared his throat and lead them to the room.
" Thank you for your greatly appreciated services."
"Um, yeah thanks. Now go fuck a turtle or something."
The guard left and went to his post.
"Why are you so nice too that fucktard?" Celestia questioned. She was never nice to her Gaurds and wondered why her sister was nice. "It's like you want to score with the guy. Actually, you should. Your always complaining about how you'll only give yourself to the right guy, when everypony knows there's no such thing" She meditated herself a bag of chips from the kitchen then threw it in disgust of tasting the crude dill pickle flavor that she so greatly hated.
"Shut up," Luna nudged her sister"It's just I've always believed that somewhere..."
"Who cares let's just find something to do in this room."
Luna mumbled under her breath at her sudden interruption. Princess Celestia scanned the large room. It looked even larger because of its emptiness. There was nothing more than a podium and some glass stained windows. They depicted the princess' as fillies and there mother. She looked at one.
"I was really ugly before puberty. That pink mane was hideous. But damn! Not as ugly as you. Hey Luna, remember how every colt in class wanted to kiss you? You were such a whore."
After awhile she didn't hear her sister.
"Hey! Answer to my insults!" She walked a little further to discover her sister was staring at a large book. The kind Twilight Sparkle would read in about an hour or so.
"Is this the reason you are not negatively responding to my insults?"
Luna tried picking up the book with her mouth but it was quite heavy. She set it back down then tried again with her magic. It was quite heavy.
"Hey, big sis look. It's mom's spell book, the one she told us not to touch."
"No way, let's open it!"
"Luna placed the book on the podium."No! There might of been a reason she told us not to touch it. Let's not open it and put it in a safe."
Celestia walked over to the podium and began flipping through the pages.
"Fuck you."
After a couple of turns the book flipped to a page a torn page.
"How are we going to fix it?"
Celestia thought of this for a moment. Than started feeling around her backside. She than pulled out a tape dispenser. Luna looked at the mysterious liquid that dripped under it.
"Please don't tell me you put that in your...never mind."
Celestia taped the page together. She did a bad job but it was good enough to read. She scanned over the page then began to recite the spell.
"Many things do yonder, many things above our wonder."(You know what forget that.)
As she recited that spell a blue glow started to form in front of them it grew slowly. When she recited the last line it cracked the sound barrier. She looked at the blue portal with a smirk.
"We are going to have lots of fun!"
Author's Note
I know this story is late. I just haven't gotten the motivation. Anyway here's your sucky ass story.
