This Means War

by Miki

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 4156

War has come to Canterlot Castle, and nopony is safe.

After an unintentional prank leads to an exchange of even more pranks, the Princesses lure the Ponyville Six and Spike to Canterlot for one weekend.

The laws of physics will be challenged; psyches will be broken; borderline inappropriate amounts of grape jelly may or may not be involved.

Good luck with that everyone.

A/N: If anyone wants to make a better cover image, by all means, be my guest.

Published 2012-11-22 11:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-24 20:57:31 UTC

I

It was a beautiful Friday morning. The weather team had outdone themselves; that day just seemed like one of those days where even the most sour of ponies could not help but smile at the sheer beauty of what the world had to offer.

A loud and obnoxious belch echoed through the kitchen of Golden Oaks library.

"Ugh, well that one came out of nowhere," said Spike. A rolled piece of parchment, sealed with the wax seal of the goddess of the sun herself, Princess Celestia, fell unceremoniously to the floor after having been reconstituted from the ash of Spike’s fiery belch.

As much as the little dragon loved being the librarian's assistant, he always hated it when Princess Celestia sent letters to her prized pupil; he was always left with a rather upset stomach afterwards. It struck him as odd, however, that the Princess was sending Twilight a letter at all. The Grand Galloping Gala already came and went; the Summer Solstice, and hence the Summer Sun Celebration, was still three months away; just two days ago Twilight had sent her latest friendship report and received the expected reply not just a few minutes later.

Something was off, but the little dragon simply could not put his claw on it. He picked up the letter and waddled his way to the threshold that separated the kitchen from the library.

“Hey Twilight,” he called out into the library with a mixture of concern and confusion in his voice, “you have a letter from the Princess.”

Earlier that week, Twilight and the rest of her friends received an unexpected package from the princess. A can of spring-loaded snakes that startled the entire group. The prank was unintentional and not meant for them; Rainbow Dash, the rough-edged, prismatic, and brash pegasus of the group, nevertheless, was prompted to reply with a pressurized can of flour that ended up exploding in Princess Luna's face. As they usually say...

It. Was. On.

Strangely, though, not a word had been written or spoken of the incident since.

“A letter? Really? I wasn't expecting anything from her.” she called back to the kitchen.

Spike made his way to the library. Most ponies in the town of Ponyville lived where they worked; Twilight Sparkle and Spike were no exception to this rule. He found the lavender unicorn reorganizing a shelf of books, whose contents had been sprawled all over the library just the previous evening; it was an evening that had been spent studying. As to what she was studying, Spike could only guess. He did not hold as vested an interest in magic as Twilight did. However, he respected her thirst for knowledge enough to leave her alone when she was off on one of her tangents, as did her friends.

“Yeah, I know. I'm just glad that's the only thing she sent. The pranked can she sent the other day left the worst taste in my mouth,” he said.

Twilight stifled a giggle. The letter in Spike’s outstretched claw glowed with a lavender aura as she telekinetically took it from him and unrolled it. As she read, her expression had changed suddenly from an expression of curiosity to surprise, mixed with excitement. Noticing this, Spike spoke up wearing an expression of caution. As much as he loved his surrogate sister, he knew that look on her face all too well.

“So what’s going on?” He asked.

“Princess Celestia wants me to help with a project. What’s more, she wants you and the rest of the girls to join us!” She could hardly contain her excitement as she continued. “She has arranged for all of us to stay in Canterlot for the weekend.”

The occasions where Twilight was able to see her mentor were very rare indeed. The last time that she was able to spend time with the Princess was at the Grand Galloping Gala, and that occasion had not gone over as well as she had hoped. It was, in fact, a complete and utter disaster, much to the Princess’ delight. She had always thought the Gala was one of the most dull events that was ever conceived, and the presence of Twilight and her friends had brought much needed life to the halls of Canterlot Castle that night. Now she was being given the opportunity not only to see her, but help her with a project.

“So what kind of project is this?” Spike asked.

“I’m not sure. There aren't any details about it in her letter,” she said, a slight expression of confusion washing over her face. She soon gathered herself again and gained an air of authority in her voice.

“But that doesn't matter. We need to round up the girls. She sent a chariot to pick us all up, and it will be here in just a few hours. You go get Pinkie Pie and Rarity. I will get Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy. Meet back here in no more than an hour,” she ordered.

“Will do,” Spike replied, and he ran out the door of the library into the town as fast as his stubby legs could carry him. Twilight, meanwhile, concentrated hard to perform a long range teleportation spell. Her plan was to gather her friends in an order determined by their distance to the library. Her first destination was Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack’s home. Second was Rainbow Dash’s cloud home, which was anchored, more or less, just outside the orchard. Third was Fluttershy’s cottage by the edge of the Everfree Forest. With a flash of light and a whiff of ozone, she vanished.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

No more than an hour had passed and Twilight, her friends, and Spike were gathered outside of the town library waiting for the chariot to arrive. Each of her friends were very curious as to why the Princess would need them for a project. Some were even outright confused. But when your country's supreme matriarch and effective goddess asks for help, most ponies tend not to ask questions.

Most ponies, however, were not Rainbow Dash. She was hovering, in a quite literal sense of the word, in the air next to a lavender unicorn who was sitting on her haunches in the shade outside the library. The blue coated pegasus seemed a bit edgy.

“So what in the hay is this even about?” she asked. Her question was directed at the personal student of the aforementioned goddess, Twilight Sparkle.

“I told you earlier Rainbow, the letter didn’t say. She just needed all seven of us to help and left it at that.” Twilight replied.

“But isn’t she supposed to be some sort of immortal alicorn? What is there that she doesn’t already know?” Her questions were beginning to grate on Twilight. As much as she loved her friend, at the moment her questions were starting to feel like she was taking a hoof-file and was filing away at her brain. Twilight was about to respond when to her relief, Applejack, the orange coated, blonde maned, level headed farm pony of the group cut her off. She was relaxing under the shade of the tree that made the library, her Stetson lowered over her eyes. “Rainbow, would you just relax for a bit? She will probably fill us in when we get to Canterlot,” she she said in her southern drawl.

Rarity was relaxing in the shade as well, only she was laying on pillows she had pulled out of the library, lest she get dirt in her immaculately kept alabaster coat; or mud in her curly purple mane and tail; or grime on her perfectly maintained hooves. The mere thought of dirt made her sick to her stomach. "Thank you, Applejack," she said quietly.

Pinkie Pie, the pink, bubbly, poofy maned earth pony of the group continued on Applejack’s train of thought. “Yeah, relax Dashie. Since when has the Princess kept us in the dark?” she asked in an impossibly cheerful voice.

Rainbow Dash responded in a rather sarcastic tone, “Oh gee, I dunno. How about every single time something comes up where she needs our help!”

Twilight had to admit that the details were rather sparse, even by the Princess’ standards. Usually there had always been some sort of hint, or at least a vague description as to what was going on in the grand scheme of things. But this instance was different; the letter she received just an hour prior stated that she needed assistance with a project. Nothing more, nothing less.

It was at this point where Fluttershy, a timid pegasus pony with a yellow coat and long pale pink mane and tail spoke up, her voice barely above a whisper, “Um... But Rainbow, every time she has asked us for help, it’s always been about something serious.”

Rainbow opened her mouth to continue her rant, but she was cut off by Applejack, “‘Shy is right Rainbow. Just relax. I hear something.”

Sure enough, on the horizon the seven friend spotted their chariot making a beeline towards the library, with two pegasi of Celestia’s Royal Guard at the helm. Rarity spoke up “Applejack, one of these days you absolutely must tell us how you do that.” Applejack chuckled at this remark. Even she had barely a clue. It was just something that came naturally to her. Applejack may be simple minded compared to the rest of the group, but she had an eye and ear for minor details that rivaled even Twilight or Rarity. She chalked it up to decades of working, as well as managing, the family orchard.

The chariot landed outside the library and the group boarded.

Destination, Canterlot.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

It was quiet... too quiet... Canterlot, the city, was just as busy as always. Ponies were shuffling to and fro, each with their own business to attend to. But the castle, once a hub of activity was deathly quiet. Not a single soul besides the seven new arrivals, the two pegasus guards, plus the usual protection detail stationed around the castle grounds were present, but there was not a single civilian soul to be found.

Twilight and the others took note of this. After everyone had unloaded themselves from the chariot, one of the guards that was pulling it spoke towards Twilight, “Her majesty is waiting for all of you in her study. She instructed me to tell you that you all make your way there immediately.”

“Thank you sir,” she responded, “but it’s a bit strange. Where is everypony? All I see are guards.”

“The castle is closed to civilians and non-essential personnel while you are assisting her highness. This is all that I was told,” said the guard.

Rainbow Dash groaned, “Well, at least we’re not the only ones being kept in the dark.”

The guard shrugged as he and the other guard unstrapped themselves from the chariot’s harness. They then made their way to the castle barracks for their next assignments.

The group, however, followed Twilight’s lead through the castle, the sounds of their hoofsteps and a the soft, sharp tapping of a small dragons' claws echoing against the stone features. Twilight spent years upon years navigating the halls of Canterlot Castle as a filly, so she knew the layout like the back of her hoof. Still, the emptiness of the halls made her and the others feel uneasy. Something was not right.

Twilight went over the path in her head. She may know the castle well, but it had been over two years since she last visited, so naturally she had to concentrate to bring out those old dusty bits of knowledge.

“Alright, take a left up ahead here, a right, then the second left, and the Princess’ study should be the third door on the riiiiiiiiiiiiight..” Her musing was cut short by the sudden loss of gravity.

“What in tarnation?!”

“What the hay?!”

“Ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness...”

“Oh my...”

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...”

“This seems oddly familiar...”

Any and all concentration Twilight previously had was lost in the cacophony of exclamations and screams of her friends, each struggling to reorient themselves in the zero gravity hallway.

Rainbow Dash, being the daredevil of the group, was used to disorienting situations and was the first to regain her equilibrium. She started to flap her wings experimentally and found that she was still able to propel herself forward. However, without the force of gravity providing her with a sense of what was 'up', she soon found that it was very, very, difficult for her to control her direction. The rapid flapping of her wings sent her everywhere but 'forward', and it took every ounce of willpower for her friends to keep from laughing out loud at the sight. Eventually, her head was introduced at high speed to what would normally be considered the floor. A sickening crack echoed down the halls of the ancient castle. The display was met with the appropriate chorus of “ooh’s” and “ouch’s” from her friends.

Undeterred, Rainbow snorted and with a mighty flap of her wings sent herself careening down the hallway at top speed and out of sight. Soon, another sickening crack echoed through the halls, eliciting another chorus of sympathy from her friends.

“Ugh... I’m okay,” she called back. She started to make her way back to the group, nursing a slowly forming lump on her forehead.

Stifling a laugh, Rarity spoke up, “Perhaps it is best we think this situation through before we give ourselves a concussion.”

“Right...”

“So, um... what exactly is going on Twilight?” asked Fluttershy.

“I’m not exactly sure, but it seems to be some sort of gravity well. Judging from Rainbow Dash’s... rather unfortunate display,” -- Twilight was briefly interrupted by Rainbow Dash, who let out a rather unladylike snort in frustration at her friend's choice of words. A sheepish grin spread across Twilight's face and a quick 'sorry' left her lips before she continued -- “it seems like it goes on for quite a while.”

“But why on earth would there be something like that here in the castle?” asked Rarity.

“I have no idea, but the spell to create one isn't exactly the easiest to perform. It takes quite a bit of concentration and mana to maintain one for even a second, and even then the most one could achieve is a change in gravity for just an area around one pony.” Twilight at this point was deep in thought and just drifting, now upside-down relative to the rest of the planet.

“Like you did in the Crystal Kingdom right?” asked Spike. "It didn't seem to be too hard for you there." Twilight had the rather clever idea at the time of reversing gravity to slide down the underside of a rather long spiral staircase. Climbing the staircase would have taken hours otherwise, and time was of the essence.

“Exactly,” responded Twilight, "although that was only because I had been practicing it well before that little adventure."

"So that explains the hoof-prints on the ceiling that I had to clean," Spike said in an annoyed monotone.

Pinkie Pie was giggling non-stop the entire time, literally bouncing off of the walls of the hallway having the time of her life. “Now I get it! Bouncing off the walls! Hehehehe, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....”

“Well, Ah know Ah might sound a mite impatient, but could you figure out a way to GET US DOWN PLEASE?!” yelled Applejack, who was currently flailing, bucking, and kicking every which way in an attempt to right herself.

“Well, there’s no way for me to counter a spell this strong. Whoever casted it knew what they were doing. The best we can hope to do is try to make our way to Celestia’s study, gravity or no gravity.”

“And just how, pray tell, are we to do that dear?” inquired Rarity.

“Well, as Rainbow Dash clearly demonstrated, at least two of us can move ourselves. Although you and I will have to try to keep them stable lest they concuss themselves, as you said. Pinkie Pie” --

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” shrieked the pink earth pony as she zipped by Twilight, nearly derailing her train of thought.

-- “I think will be fine. You and I can just use our magic to move ourselves.”

“Oh right... never thought of that before to be honest.”

“Hey, what about me?!” yelled Applejack, still flailing and getting nowhere fast.

“Just calm down Applejack. Either Rarity or I can pull you along with us. The same goes for Spike.” said Twilight, and with that, she righted the struggling orange mare with her magic.

“Whew, thanks Twi,” sighed Applejack. Slowly her body continued to turn in the zero-gravity environment. “Oh ponyfeathers...” she deadpanned.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

With a plan finally in place, the rather disoriented crew were, once again, on their way to Celestia’s study. As Twilight suspected, the gravity well was quite large and seemed to cover the entirety of that particular wing of the castle. Soon enough, however, the group found themselves at the threshold of Celestia’s study. Twilight was just about to knock on the rather plain wooden door when a certain prismatic pegasus careened right into it, effectively doing the knocking for her.

“Ow ow ow ow ow....” she groaned.

“Is that you Twilight?” came a rather calm and motherly voice from inside the room.

“Uh... yes. We’re all here.” she responded. The door glowed with a yellow aura and opened on its own. What resided within could be best described as complete anarchy. Books that had once rested comfortably on their shelves were now floating freely all about the rather large room. Rolls of parchment had found their way to the ceiling. Globes, desks, quills, bottles of ink, and all manner of study material were now floating around in defiance of gravity. Inside, the mares could see Princess Celestia laying on a pillow with eight tea-cups and a piping hot kettle of tea floating above rather short table. The table seemed to be secured to the floor. Next to her was her sister, Princess Luna, who lying on a pillow of her own and was enjoying her own cup of tea.

“Well do come in and make yourselves comfortable,” said the sun-goddess, wearing the most sincere and warm smile that any of the mares, or dragon, had ever seen. What was rather surprising, however, is that Celestia and Luna were resting on their pillows. The gravity well seemed to be affecting everything in the room except for the two goddesses that resided within, the pillows they were resting on, and the tea in their own cups.

“Please come and sit everyone. There is much for us to discuss.” said Luna, wearing a face that was straight as an arrow.

The group made their way into the study, the gravity well still fully affecting them. There they tried to maneuver themselves around the table, a task that proved rather difficult. Twilight eventually managed to wedge her hind legs under the table, securing herself in one place so that she could speak with her mentor more effectively. The strange position she was in as a result received a giggle from Pinkie Pie as she continued bouncing off of the walls ans ceiling of the study without a care in the world. The rest of the group giggled as well, but did the same after seeing no other viable solution for themselves. After everyone made themselves comfortable, Celestia served the tea. The fact that the Princesses were acting completely normal given the rather bizarre condition of the group struck Twilight as a bit odd, and decided to start her questions there.

“Uh, before we begin... Princess, have you noticed anything... strange going on around here?” she asked.

“Hmm? Strange? What do you mean by that Twilight?” asked Celestia.

“Well... you see...” she started, but she was cut off by Rarity.

“Twilight, I will have to ask that you do please stop beating around the bush, as it were.” she said.

“Ugh, fine! Princess, have you noticed the suspicious lack of gravity in this wing of castle?” asked Twilight.

“Lack of gravity? No, sorry, I haven’t noticed anything of the sort.” said Celestia, still wearing the same smile as she took a sip of her tea.

“Oh come on,” said an obviously frustrated and upside-down Rainbow Dash, “you mean to tell us that you don’t notice everything floating around in here? Not to mention us floating around in here.”

Princess Luna took a sip of her tea and responded for her sister, “Truth be told, Rainbow Dash, you are always hovering around everypony when we see you. Are you certain you are feeling alright?”

The perplexed pegasus, who up until this point had her wings folded firmly aginst her sides, glared at the princess of the night. With a very light flap of her wings, she was able to position herself right in front of Luna. Without a word, she unfolded her wings and snapped them firmly to her sides three times finishing with a verbal ‘Tada!’

“Yes, you are flapping your wings. Your point?” she said before taking another sip of her tea and doing the same with her own. Rainbow Dash’s face could be best described as ‘gobsmacked’ as she was slowly pulled away from Luna by the snowy blue aura of Rarity's magic.

Twilight’s horn flashed briefly with her own lavender aura as she casted a spell that she had only recently learned. She had found a spell that allowed her to silently communicate with her friends by sending verbal messages directly into their minds. The ponies she communicated with were also able to communicate back by simply thinking what they wished to say. The entire group was aware of this new spell and its effects, so they were not very surprised by the sudden disembodied voice of their friend in their heads. It was a voice that spoke in a rather frustrated tone.

“Alright everyone, it’s obvious we’re going nowhere with this line of questioning, so let’s just cut to the chase so we can get out of here.”

“I second that.. ehrm... thought,” thought Rarity, who wasn't entirely sure why she thought the thought ironic, “the lack of gravity is wreaking havoc on my mane.”

“Um... Third,” thought Fluttershy.

“Whee!” thought Pinkie Pie, who was now doing mid air somersaults high above them. The aerobatic display made everyone sick to their stomach to even watch.

“I have got to work that kind of move into my routine somehow...” thought Rainbow Dash.

“If you can keep from losing your lunch that is,” thought Spike with a bit of a laugh.

“Hey, do you know who you are even talking to?”

“Not to be a burr under your saddle, but can we please git a move on?” thought Applejack, who at the moment was looking rather ill while slowly spinning on her longitudinal axis at her place. She held her Stetson firmly between her forelegs in front of her mouth as she tried to suppress her dry-heaves. At this point, she had completely given up on trying to keep herself oriented.

“Yes, let’s...” thought Twilight in a deadpan.

The sudden silence made Celestia raise an eyebrow, and she took it upon herself to break it, “Well, I suppose you are wondering why I summoned all of you here,” she began.

“You don’t say...” thought Spike, who was in the same predicament as Applejack, slowly spinning in place and looking rather ill, “Applejack, mind if I borrow your hat for a minute?”

“Over my dead... urp...” thought Applejack as she suppressed another dry heave.

“Well, that and a few other things,” Twilight began. She looked to her disoriented friends and now pale assistant and farm pony before continuing, “but I digress...”

“Well in any case, it is Luna who needs the help more than myself. I will allow her to explain the details,” said Celestia, pouring herself another cup of tea and taking a sip.

“Thank you sister. In all honesty, all I need from you girls is to just stay here in the castle for the weekend.” Her serious face was still screwed on tight, eliciting vocalizations of utter confusion from everyone involved except Celestia; she was thoroughly enjoying her tea, paying little mind to the current conversation.

“So... you’re not going to tell us the full details about the project?” asked Rainbow Dash. Her tone was anything but surprised as she was being kept in the dark yet again by the Royal Sisters.

“I will present the details on Sunday before you leave. That is, if I even need to by then. The details should make themselves apparent over the course of the next few days. For now, allow me to lead you to your rooms.”

“Left in the dark again. Isn’t that just typical,” thought Rainbow Dash, more of a statement of fact than a question.

“We can still hear you darling,” Rarity deadpanned.

“Oh horseapples...”