Derpy Blows Herself Because I'm Bad as Fuck!

by Indesplice

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1068

Derpy is cold. Derpy needs to get warm. What will Derpy do to get warm?

Derpy is pretty cold. Derpy needs to get warm fast. What in the world will Derpy do to get warm?

This story was co-written by myself and Lupus (Mardalf) Avius
It is the result of several long and grueling years to craft the perfect clop-fic, while still only requiring a Teen rating. Every word has been carefully chosen and analysed to create the greatest most well written story on the face of the earth.

The sequel coming soon.
guaranteed to be at least 30 times more perfect than this one.
Expect it.

Published 2012-11-24 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-24 00:40:01 UTC

Chapter 1

One exceptionally cold night in Ponyville, Derpy was sitting in her living room, shivering away, wondering what she could do to make herself warm. She clapped her hooves together and began rubbing them quickly attempting to generate some heat through friction, all while chattering her teeth softly. But it didn't do much good, she needed to find a way to warm up faster. She thought of fire and muffins. She imagined the hug of the invisible warmth coming off of the flames and the sweet taste and lovely texture of the muffins. Derpy snapped out of her day-dream and decided to get to work to fulfill that fantasy.

If she was going to start a fire, she would have to go outside into the cold for wood. And it was REALLY cold out there, but she had to find some way to warm up. There was no way around that so she went to get her coat and boots.

As she was slipping on her coat, she looked outside the window to find that it was lightly snowing. She hoped that it wouldn't escalate into something worse while she was out, like a hurricane or monsoon or whatever they're called. Just in case, she put on a fuzzy blue hat embroidered with tiny muffins which had cute, happy faces. She slowly walked to the door, took a moment to take a breath and enjoy the small warmth she had inside her house, and then opened it.

She knew it would be cold out but she wasn't expecting it to be this bone shiveringly cold. By the princess it was cold! And the only place to find wood this time of year was the Everfree forest. Perhaps she could stop by Fluttershy's cottage and just see if she had any, and if not then at least they could go together. The last thing anypony wanted to do on a night like this was to venture out alone into the forest.

She started out across town passing by Rarity's house then the Cakes' shop and turned at the corner and up the lane.
When she first left her home she was only slight shivering, but by now she was in an all out tremor. It took all she could do just to move her legs properly. Her breath came out in short concentrated bursts through her nose, puffing out a small muffin shape clouds of steam with every breath, each time distracting her for a moment.

She could really go for a muffin right about now.

She ignored her muffin filled thoughts and kept going on. The snow had sped up a bit, but there wasn't much so it didn't necessarily concern Derpy. Suddenly the wind began to pick up, Derpy squinted her eyes and shifted her body a bit to hug herself some more and keep the loose parts of her coat from flapping around wildly.

As she trudged on the wind sped up more and more. Without warning, Derpy's Fuzzy blue hat suddenly flew off into a white abyss. It was at this moment that Derpy noticed that the snow was getting very thick and that she could hardly see in front of her own face. Without her hat she immediately noticed a drop in temperature on the top of her head. She folded up her ears as best she could, haunched over a bit, and kept on walking forward.

Derpy was breathing so hard now that it was almost painful, her body shook violently with each step, and all she could think about was a nice warm fire. Forget gathering wood and starting a fire are her house, she would just ask Fluttershy if she could spend the night with her. She probably already had a fire going.

A sudden gust of wind shoved Derpy to the ground onto her side. She slammed her eyes shut and groaned, really wishing this hadn't happened. The thought of getting up was awful, but she knew she had to do it. She wished she could just lie there for a while, but she knew she would freeze if she did.

With all the strength she could muster, Derpy gave one big lurch towards her legs and lifted each one to catch herself before she could fall down again. She slowly rose up, leaning slightly to the right to keep her balance against the wind.
Finally upright again, She noticed that a few tears had escaped her eyes and had frozen instantaneously, essentially freezing her eyes shut.

Now what was she going to do? the fall had disorientated her and she had no idea which direction she was facing. Even if she could see, the snow was so thick and blowing so hard that she wouldn't be able to see anything.

She felt like giving up, like just lying down and let the cold take her. Every moment was absolute torture. Without giving herself time to think about it she just kept walking forward, and hoped that she would run into something warm.

Very slowly she flicked her eyelids up and down, hoping to break her eyes free from her frozen tears. she could feel the thin layer of ice give slightly with each tug. with one last jolt she snapped her eyes open and immediately wished she hadn't. The wind was now slamming snowflakes onto her face and into her eyes. She quickly shut her eyes again.

She slipped her muzzle into the collar of her coat to create a bit of a seal. Then she began to breath from her mouth into the cotton of her coat, the cotton acted as an insulator for a short time and she was able to feel some warmth around the area of her mouth. She reveled in her small discovery. Breathing as often as she could to use the warmth of it as much as possible. This little pocket of heat was all she could think about, and she wasn't concentrating on anything else. It was so addicting, she couldn't help but focus on it and nothing else.

Suddenly Derpy snapped open her eyes, raised her head and said, "Fuck this." then somehow galloped blindly back to her cottage where she slammed the door shut and proceeded to blow herself and warm her entire body up faster than Pamela Anderson in a room full of black people.

The End