Regular Ordinary Equestrian Meal Time

by Symphony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1435

It's good for you.

Twilight Sparkle will teach you all how to cook. Equestrian style.

May Celestia have mercy upon our souls...

Published 2012-11-24 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-27 20:53:30 UTC

DEMONIC DAISY SANDWICH

Twilight Sparkle sighed contently as she finished the last sentence of a book she had been reading. She levitated the book to a desk she was sitting by and left it there, as she could easily place it back to the shelf later that day. She heard, and felt a rumble from her stomach and blushed. She had forgotten to eat lunch today, again. She was about to ask Spike if he could make her a sandwich, but stopped as she remembered that the young dragon was out collecting gems with her friend, Rarity.

Twilight pouted as she made her way to the kitchen. To say that she was a bad cook would not be entirely true. She knew her way around a kitchen, but wasn't very good at it. And furthermore, she always managed to get out of hoof in her cooking. She walked into the kitchen in high spirits. Twilight hummed a tune as she levitated some bread from a cupboard and other necessities from the refrigerator. When all the ingredients she needed was in their proper place, her right eye twitched and a manic grin embraced her features.

She heard the beat of drums echoing through her head as she begun the process of Regular Ordinary Equestrian Meal Time. “BREAD!” She hollered and slammed the loaf of bread against the table, and the bread split in the middle, showering the kitchen area with a magnificent thin layer of crumbles. Her right eye twitched once again and the grin never left her face.

She continued to lift the ingredients to her and slam them on the table in manic glee. “BUTTER!” She shouted and slammed a stick of butter onto the bread, then punched it for good measure. After that display of borderline insanity, Twilight levitated the daisies toward her and leaned over the poor, disfigured sandwich.

She bit her tongue and narrowed her eyes as she very carefully positioned the flowers in a delicate pattern. “Careful now...” She reminded herself. “CAREFUL!” After painstakingly gathering all of the flowers and placing them on the sandwich, she placed the other piece of the bread on top of it and headbutted it, horn first.

She roared in victory and reared back to her hindlegs in a manly manner of manly manliness. Her eyes wandered to a container on the table filled to the rim with the essence of the Gods. It was said that one single spoonful of the heavenly stuff could heal any injury and make a regular pony two times stronger than usual.

There was mayonnaise in it.

She levitated it to her in a dignified and extremely careful manner, not daring to shake the container any further. She removed the cap and dipped her hoof, then stuck her gooey hoof in her mouth and licked off all the mayo, moaning all the while with trembling legs. “It's good for you...” She moaned in an erotic manner. She shifted her eyes to her culinary creation and grinned even wider than before as she prepared her body to take a big bite from the sandwich.

“Lunch is served, horsesss...” She said to herself as she ate the sandwich in the messiest manner possible.

A few hours later, the door to the library creaked open and a tired drake walked inside with a deep sigh. Spike cracked his neck as he headed toward the kitchen to make himself a quick snack before taking a well-deserved nap. His mouth watered slightly as he remembered that he had hid a small collection of gems in the kitchen, so he could keep them for himself. He knew that Twilight can't eat gems, but he never knew what the unstable unicorn could possibly think of.

But as soon as he set claw into the kitchen, his demeanor changed immediately as he spotted the unholy mess that the kitchen was in. He could almost have thought that this was Discord's doing, but he knew better. He knew that it was Twilight's 'cooking', or 'brutal assault on anything related to food'.

The lavender unicorn was nowhere to be found in the library, not even in the massive basement. But to the dragon's absolute horror, he noticed that something very crucial was missing in the refrigerator.

Namely the mayonnaise.

Spike's jaw dropped as he thought of all the kinds of culinary chaos the lavender unicorn could bring to Ponyville with that powerful concoction which Equestria had been blessed with by the Gods of all things good and righteous. Spike felt like he should do something to stop the deranged unicorn before she would be able to cause any kind of food-related horrors... Nay! It was his responsibility to stop her!

Spike grabbed a spatula to use as his mighty blade, chose a decently-sized pot to use as his noble armor and finally, grabbed some tubed mayonnaise he had decided to keep safely away from the lavender unicorn.

When Spike had collected everything he would need for his noble quest, he charged through the door, hellbent on finding his caretaker, one way or another... Spike didn't know what he would have to be prepared for, but alas, he had to make this happen! For Equestria!

With a magical pop, a twitching unicorn appeared next to the entrance of the Sweet Apple Acres. She could smell the air of food being prepared. She lifted her precious, the mayonnaise to her head and grinned once again. She started trotting toward the farmhouse which could be easily spotted from a distance. Twilight scowled and trotted a little faster as she could smell a distinct lack of mayonnaise in whatever it was they were making.

Twilight glanced around momentarily to see nothing else but apple trees. It gave her an idea of what she would do when she was going to interfere with the Apple family.

“Next time...” She chuckled “I'll be making apple pie...”

Meanwhile, Applejack stopped momentarily and focused on a distant point. Her apple sense had been tingling like mad... It didn't take long for her to spot the unicorn trotting toward her with a small glass container levitating next to her.

“May Celestia help us all...” Applejack gulped.

A/N: I have NO idea what I'm doing.

ARSONIST APPLE PIE

The crazed unicorn bucked the doors to the farmhouse open, and made a mad dash to the kitchen area. Just as she had suspected, Granny Smith was currently making apple pies alongside her youngest granddaughter, Applebloom.

Twilight Sparkle trotted into the kitchen and slammed the mayonnaise onto the counter where the other ponies were making the final touches on a nearly finished apple pie. Twilight levitated a wooden spoon toward her and dipped it in the mayonnaise, then smeared it all over the pie. The members of the Apple family protested wildly, but Twilight gave them an eerie smile and replied. ”It's good for you.”

From out of seemingly nowhere, Big Macintosh appeared behind Twilight and tried to grab her to calm her down. He, as the rest of his families apple senses had been going off like mad. Twilight, however noticed his attempt to take her. She teleported easily out of harm's way.

Before Big Mac's inferior earth pony mind could comprehend what had happened, Twilight had knocked him over onto his back and was looking down at him, hunger in her eyes.

”Nope!” Big Macintosh tried to escape, but Twilight trapped him in her magic. ”Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!” Big Mac's pleading went unnoticed as Twilight levitated him down into the apple cellar behind the barn. ”Noooooooooooooooooooo...

...pe”

Spike the brave warrior arrived to the farmhouse about ten minutes later, but he saw no sign of the lavender unicorn he was hunting All he saw was Big Macintosh walking in circles, wincing with every step and muttering something beneath his breath. He also twitched from time to time.

But what caught Spike's eyes was a trail of mayonnaise and something white he presumed to be some kind of garlic sauce, leading through the orchard. He ran after the trail until he saw the small town again, and the trail continued to a decorated house near the center of the village.

”Rarity...” He shuddered at the thought of how the fashionista would react to Twilight's behavior.

Twilight Sparkle didn't share the worries with the dragon, no, she was busy thinking of something Rarity would love to share with her...

”S'mores...” She laughed and ventured inside.

Author's Note

Welcome to stupid, I'll be your guide this fine day. Short chapter is short.