Interdimensional Transfusion

by The card holder

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crossover, Dark, Human, Main 6
Length: 24082

Sequel to Mission: Improbable starring the Scout.

A few weeks after the Spy returned from his extended stay in Equestria, the Medic found that he needed to have a few of those so-called "ponies" to... study. But with robots still attacking Mann Co., how can he find the time to acquire such a specimen?

By sending a scout ahead, of course.

Published 2012-11-24 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-16 04:44:11 UTC

Way Out of the Park

It had been a few weeks since the Spy had finally returned from his stay in the magical land of Equestria. In that time, between waves of robots, he told his team the things he had encountered, the ponies he met (and impersonated), and the sights he had seen. To be frank, most of the team couldn't help but be reminded of the one time when the Engineer had made goggles for everyone that made them see what the Pyro saw, only slightly less insane. Regardless, they listened to the Frenchman's tales with mild enthusiasm; after all they had seen, a world filled with talking pastel horses didn't seem that out there. But out of all of the team, the Medic in particular had a certain interest in these stories of Equestria. It probably helps that, in his off time, he studied the hair of one of those "unicorns" that the Spy had managed to "trick into giving me a free trip back home". The doctor didn't find much, but he did realize that he needed, above all else, more samples. And what better way to do that than acquire a live specimen?

It was this line of thinking that eventually made the rest of the team draw straws to see who was going on a trip to another world in order to further a mad scientist's research (the Spy, naturally, was exempt). Everyone found the results to be perfectly acceptable.

"What the hell! This was rigged!"

At least, almost everyone.

"Come now, tiny man. Vacation in pony land could do some good for you."

"Listen, I ain't goin' t' no girly pony universe, alright? And there's nothin' any of you can do t' make me!"

5 seconds later...

"OH GOD ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'LL GO I'LL GO JUST STOP PUNCHIN' ME!"

So, through the wonders of negotiation, it was decided. At least, until the Scout brought up a certain wrinkle in the plan.

"But wait, Spy said that Hale knew he was there, so what's gonna keep 'im from just sending me right back?"

"I thought you might ask that," the Spy spoke up. Opening a nearby door, the Scout came face to face with his BLU counterpart, dressed in a red shirt like his own.

"You just go t' that weird pony place," he said, "and I'll handle all dem robots!"

Knowing there was truly no way out of it, the RED Scout sighed. "Fine. How am I gettin' dere?"

"Well," the Spy said, "I got there when I was coated in jarate, shot with ze Engineer's Pomson, teleported, and ubered-" He shot the Medic a venomous glance. "-at ze same time."

There was a short silence, followed by the Scout asking, "So... What? Would that work again?"

"Well, way I see it," the Sniper spoke from the corner of the room, clutching a jar of suspicious yellow fluid, "there's only one way t' find out."

"...This is gonna suck, ain't it?"

Sure enough, it did suck. After many attempts, and many jars of piss, it finally worked, however. There was a large flash of light, as was usual when using the Engi's teleporters, and the Scout found himself looking at a deep blue sky.

"...huh. That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be," he said to himself. "In fact, it's kinda nice."

And then he looked down.

"...how the hell am I supposed to react to fallin' from very high up in the sky? Oh, I know."

He screamed loudly as he fell. It seems that his adventures in Equestria were off to an amazing start.

After falling for ten seconds, he gave up screaming and decided to just plummet in silence. Well, silence besides the rushing wind. As the trees of a forest rushed up to greet him, the Scout suddenly remembered that he was the Scout. And something the Scout is known for is...

Just before he made contact with the foliage, he jumped in mid-air, killing all of his momentum. As he started falling again, he crashed through the trees, landing on several branches before getting dumped unceremoniously onto the ground rather painfully. After wallowing in his pain for a minute, he decided that nothing was broken and that he could get up. Doing just that, he looked around, seeing trees, trees, and-

"More frickin' trees, yeah, we get it. When do I start beatin' heads in?"

God damn it, Scout, we discussed this. You just be in this story, and I'll get you that hat. That means you don't give me any lip, understand?

"Yeah, yeah, sheesh. Ya sound like my ma."

After massacring the fourth wall in a matter of a few seconds, the Scout picked a random direction and started walking. There were the occasional animals in the forest, but they all ran at the sight of the human. This only fueled his massive ego.

"That's right, ya dumb critters, Scout's here, so you betta run!"

He continued, taunting the fleeing creatures and generally being a narcissistic little prick the whole time ("Hey, screw you, man.") Eventually, he began to hear what sounded like little girls. If what the Spy had said was true, then they must be ponies. And if they were ponies, then that means he could grab them and get out of this place faster.

The question was, how the hell was he supposed to get them back to the Medic? Oh, well. He'd burn that bridge when he got to it.

Doing his best to remain stealthy (which was surprisingly well, considering his usual attitude), he crept into some nearby bushes, hoping to pinpoint the location of the voices. This became easier when the voices turned into screams of terror.

Foregoing stealth, the Scout charged in the direction the screams came from. He reasoned that little girls (er, "fillies", as the Spy said) generally had either mothers or older sisters to worry about them. He didn't give any thought at the moment to the fact that they would all be horses here. Again, bridge, burn, when he got to it.

Emerging into a clearing, he saw three small horses of varying colors cowering before a large lion... scorpion...winged... thing. Whatever it was, it looked pissed.

Reaching into his pack, the Scout realized that he only had his trusty Sandman bat and ball with him. Why he didn't think to bring, oh, say, anything else was beyond him. Still, he doubted he would need anything else for this fight.

Alas, if only he could use his ego as a weapon.

"Yo heads up!" the Scout called before knocking the ball towards the creature. It hit it perfectly on the head, knocking its attention away from the fillies and to the human holding the wooden baseball bat. It roared at the newcomer.

"Sorry, didn't mean t' hit ya, No, wait, yeah I did!" he taunted, readying his bat for attack. The creature roared again before charging the Scout. He was ready, and he easily dodged the thing's scorpion tail and claws. He landed a hit on its paw, although it got little reaction other than a dull thwack. The creature didn't even bat an eye as it began attacking again.

While the two fought, the fillies saw fit to make their escape. If either of them were paying attention, they would have noticed this. As it were, though, the Scout was busy taunting as the creature's tail was dodged again.

"Missed me again, you freak of nature!"

And again.

"Come on, are you even trying?"

And again.

"Look at this, I'm not even winded! Step it up, Simba!"

And aga-

*STABBING SOUND EFFECT*

"OH GOD THAT IS VERY PAINFUL!"

Whoops, spoke too soon. The thing had finally landed a hit on the Scout, embedding its tail in his arm. As the poison coursed through his veins, his pain only grew.

"I'M SORRY! I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE, I'M TOO HANDSOME!"

The creature removed its tail and stabbed again.

"AAAGH PAINPAINPAINPAIN!"

And again.

"I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS RIGHT NOW! MAINLY FOR COMING HERE!"

And again.

"THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY, GIRLY PLACE! WHY AM I BEING STABBED IN THE NECK BY A LION-SCORPION THING THEN?!"

And one more time for good measure.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'LL JUST DIE NOW."

And so he did.

Back at the Mann Co. mining museum, the mercenaries had just finished up another wave of robots. As they went back to the base, they noticed something in their peripheral vision:

"Already? I was bettin' on it taking more than one day, at least."

"Tiny Scout is not fit for wilderness."

"Zat dummkopff... Well, let's see if ve can't get him back."

The Medic, Spy, and Engineer all entered the respawn room just in time to see the Scout pop back into existence (when the Spy learned that he would've still respawned back at the base if he had died in Equestria... well, let's just say it wasn't pretty).

"Not. One. Word," he said. "Just send me back so I can get payback on dat thing that killed me."

"Alright then," the Texan answered. "Hey, Sniper?" he called out.

"Yeah?"

"We're gonna need more piss."

This time, the Scout made sure to equip himself with his scattergun and pocket pistol, as well as the Sandman. Also, the Engineer set the Scout's headset up to receive radio signals across dimensions, and the Heavy gave him a few sandviches ("It maybe make you into giant man, like me!"). Now properly equipped, the Scout suffered through many jars of urine before it worked again. He was about to start looking for that thing again, but then he noticed that he was high up in the sky again.

"...well fu-"

His curse was cut short as he once again fell into the magical land that is Equestria.

Not-So-Smooth Criminal

Trixie was finally ready. After a few months spent in the thick of the Everfree Forest, she had fine-tuned all of her magical skills, and as a bonus, she improved wilderness survival skills she didn't know she had. The time was at hand: She would go back into Ponyville, and give them a show so spectacular, that they wouldn't be able to do anything but apologize profusely to her for shunning her away the last time she was there. Who knows, maybe that infernal Twilight Sparkle would even get exiled, as well!

Giddy with excitement, Trixie began walking to her trailer home, ready to start pulling it back to civilization. A huge smile was plastered on her face. As she got closer, she became aware of a faint sound on the wind, but she paid it no mind.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"

Suddenly, a figure slammed into the top of her trailer, going straight through the roof. The impact shook the structure of the house on wheels enough that it nearly disintegrated, leaving the skeletal frame standing over a pile of wood and various cloths, books, and other things that belonged to her. The wheels simply fell over, detached from the axles. Trixie's smile never left her face, but her left eye started twitching uncontrollably. There was no way that just happened. She was just tired, which, combined with her excitement, led to her hallucinating. Or maybe she had eaten some of those mushrooms lately. Whatever the reason, this simply could not be real.

A figure started rising from the rubble, the same one that crashed into it. It was bipedal, and it reminded Trixie of that one thing she was sure she imagined a few weeks ago.

"Least I had dat pistol..." the creature said to itself. It pressed it's hand to a device on its head, seemingly listening to something. After a while, it said, "Alright, alright, so where do I go from 'ere?" to the air. Trixie was furious, yet the smile never left her face, and her eye never stopped twitching. The creature spoke to whatever it saw there again: "Well, where da hell am I gonna find a local? I'm in the middle of th' frickin' forest, 'nd I just landed on some small house or somethin'!" It listened some more, before it turned and spotted Trixie. "JEEZ- Yeah, I think I found one." It took its hand off the thing on its head, and started speaking to the unicorn. "Uhh... Hey? Blue? Can ya tell me where Ponytown is?" It stopped to listen to its device again. "I mean, Ponyville. God, dese freakin' names..."

Not saying a word, Trixie raised a shaking hoof and pointed to the trail she entered the forest on so long ago, the smile still on her face.

"Uhh... thanks." The creature walked off, Trixie looking at it with her twitching eye the whole time. Once it was out of sight, she looked at what used to be her home. The skeletal frame groaned, then came down on top of the rest of the rubble. Trixie just stood there for a long while, before she simply curled into a ball and cried.

As he walked in the direction the unicorn told him to go, the Spy filled him in on some of the mannerisms of certain ponies he would most likely meet.

"And remember, if ze pink one wants to throw you a party, zere is no stopping her."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. But what am I gonna do once I'm in the thick of 'em? Let them know I got some French bastard talkin' in mah ear?"

"I don't zink I have to explain this to you, Scout."

"And anotha thing, how am I gonna get them ponies to come back with me?"

"Ze same way I did, by lying."

"You would be good at that, wouldn't you? Mister 'I've slept weeth womeen all across ze world'." The Scout's French accent was terrible.

"At least I am not a virgin who's afraid of rainbows!"

The Medic took over on the radio. "You dummkopffs stop your bickering and get to work!"

"Fine, jeez, didn't know it was your time o' th' month, Deutsch-bag!" Before the German could offer a rebuttal, the Scout turned his headset off, chuckling to himself. By now, he had left the forest, and could see a few buildings in the distance. Also within view was a rather expansive farm, almost completely surrounded by apple trees. Seeing the apples reminded the Scout that, even if he had respawned not too long ago, he was still hungry. Sure, he had those sandwiches that the Heavy gave him, but he'd rather save those for an emergency; after all, they could somehow heal bullet wounds, burns, bruises, cuts, broken bones, and all manner of bodily harm in but a single bite. He had no idea how it worked, but the Scout learned to stop questioning things around the time the Heavy learned to kill people simply by pointing at them.

With this in mind, he set off for the apple farm, determined to get something to eat that wasn't cooked by the Soldier ("It is good! It makes you STRONGER! And I'm honestly not quite sure what it is!").

After a few more minutes of jogging, the Scout made it to the nearest apple tree. Making liberal use of his double jump, he climbed up to the branches and rested on them, which also had the advantage of having the leaves hide him from sight for the most part. Now in a comfortable position, he grabs for the nearest apple and digs in. For some reason, he expected it to be sweeter than any apple he had before, but it was just another apple. Sure, it tasted different, but it was still an average apple.

Suddenly, he had the feeling that a comical encounter was about to occur, so he stopped eating and stood still, listening for any noises. At first, there was just the sound of the wind, but soon he heard the sound of foot- er, hoofsteps approaching. They sounded like they stopped right under the tree the Scout was in, so he sat completely still. When nothing happened, he attempted to steal a look to the ground, just as something hit the tree with a lot of force. It was enough to send him out of the tree and onto the ground. He landed on his neck in a normally fatal manner, but due to the pistol he was carrying, he was able to avoid that completely... somehow.

Look, he can jump in mid-air. I don't have to explain shit.

"What the hay- What were ya doin' in my apple tree?!" The female southern voice reminds the Scout of the Engineer somewhat, but he ignored that thought in favor of the one saying "RUN TO THE HILLS". He scrambles to his feet, immediately shooting off in the other direction. Looking behind him, he sees an orange horse- an earth pony, due to the lack of horn and wings- standing there, confused, before giving chase. She could run fairly fast, but it wasn't any match for the Scout's years of experience in ~~running away~~ running to the fight. He was able to lose her in the thick of trees, before he double jumped up onto another branch. This time, he climbed to the top of the tree. Looking back, he could see the pony still looking for him. Then, out of the sky, a blue winged horse- a pegasus, if he remembered correctly- fly to the orange one. They exchanged a few words, but they were too far away for him to overhear any of it. The blue one nodded before shooting up over the trees. Almost immediately after, they look right at each other. The Scout notices the pony's rainbow hair and tail, and the pony notices the human hiding in a tree.

"I see it, Applejack!" she calls below before flying after the Scout. He wastes no time in jumping from his current tree, pulling off a series of quick hops off of the top branches. The pegasus was catching up quick, although he dodged a couple of her tackles at him. Eventually, he noticed that he wasn't dive bombed again. Smirking at his victory, keeps hopping along, the trees getting farther and farther apart, although still not far enough to require a double jump. His smirk vanishes when he spots the blue pony flying right in front of him while he was mid jump. "Gotcha!" she cried triumphantly.

"Nope!" With little effort, the Scout jumped again, changing directions to dodge the pegasus. He turns around, still jumping from tree to tree, to taunt her. "Oh, wow, you almost got me that time! Keep this up, and I just might feel a breeze! You ponies are dumb as-" His bragging was interrupted by the realization that he had completely ran out of trees to jump on, having now made it to the barn. He fell to the ground, bouncing comically along the ground before he skidded to a halt next to a barrel. Before he could get up, the barrel was dropped onto him, smacking him in the head. It wasn't enough to knock him out, but it still disoriented him long enough for a rope to lasso around his body. In a matter of seconds, he found that he was tied up in a manner that prevented him from running or even using his hands. Once the stars cleared from his vision, he looked up to see the orange pony glaring at him, the blue one behind her smiling smugly.

"You have some explainin' t' do, varmint," the orange one said threateningly.

The Scout, despite his constant dying in his line of work, was slightly frightened, but this didn't change his attitude at all. "So, even in other dimensions, ladies can't get enough o' th' Scout!"

The blue pony responded by dropping the barrel on his head again.

"You know what, passing out from head trauma sounds like a good way to end the chapter."

And he did.

Get Acquainted with the Scout

As the Scout and Twilight just glared at each other some more, the Spy was still speaking into the Scout's ear.

"Since she seems to recognize you from when she took me back, it looks like you will have to come up with another story. I would do it myself, but I am needed on ze battlefield. Ciao."

While the Scout was silently cursing the Spy's name, Twilight started talking. "You're going to tell me what happened weeks ago. And you're going to tell me who that was."

"Who... who was?"

"You know exactly who I'm talking about."

He did, in fact, but he doubted that would be satisfactory to her. "And what if I don't tell ya anythin'?"

Twilight's glare intensified, and the Scout found himself floating closer to her face. Just a few inches away, he's stopped, and the unicorn speaks again. "Bad. Things."

Quite honestly, this tiny horse was actually more intimidating than an angry Heavy. This internal note slightly hurt the Scout's pride, but he pushed on. "Ooooh, you're so scary. What, you gonna 'show me the error of my ways' and become best friends with me?"

Instead of saying an answer, Twilight instead decides to start compressing her magic on the human. At first, he barely noticed, but soon...

"AAAAHH GOD LEGS DO NOT BEND THAT WAY!"

"Ready to talk, now?"

"Hell no, I ain't gonna let some girly pony boss me arou- JEEZ THERE GOES MY SPLEEN!"

"Now?"

"Still no, crazy pony lady! I've taken worse than this!"

Twilight grinned somewhat sadistically. Her friends were standing nearby throughout this entire ordeal, and they were rather afraid of what Twilight was doing.

"In that case, I wonder what would happen to your body structure if I dunked you in molten rainbows..."

At the mention of the word "rainbows", the Scout cringed a bit. He also heard the word "molten", which both didn't make sense and was rather foreboding. "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I?" She seemed to look for any nearby rainbows, before the Scout's nerve finally broke.

"Alright! Alright! I'll talk!"

Twilight lowered him to the ground, and released her magical hold. The Scout thought about running, but realized that he would probably just be snagged by that magic again.

Freakin' magic. Wizards, unicorns, that one creepy guy down the street from his apartment... He was starting to hate anything that even vaguely resembled magic.

"So, purple, what ya wanna know?"

"Who was it who tricked me into bringing him... wherever that was?"

"Oh, him? He's just the Spy, a French bastard who thinks he's all tough, when all 'e does is hide."

"I'm here now, you know. And you're no better, running away from everything."

The Scout ignored his teammate's comment.

"So, um," Twilight started, "we seem to have gotten off on the wrong hoof." She held her hoof up, as if for a handshake. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. And you are?"

"Just call me Scout."

"Alright then, Scout, why are you here?"

He paused for a second, thinking of a reason. He couldn't just say that he was here to take some ponies back to his world so they can be experimented on.

"Don't ask me, I have no clue," the Spy helpfully chimed in.

"Well, err... Ya see..." After a bit of brainstorming, he thought of a semi-believable reason: "I was sick of it! Yep, I was just tired o' that dumb place, so I decided t' come here!" The ponies seemed to buy this; looks like those lying lessons from Lying Louie as a child payed off yet again.

"In that case, Scout, where are you going to stay?"

"Well... I... I dunno."

"Well... I remember there being a house not too far from here, that was just built. Nopony has even bought it, yet."

"Yeah, about that, I'm broke."

Twilight raised a hoof and pointed at herself. "Don't worry, I'll handle it. I am the princess's star student, after all!"

Oh, great, his "best ally" in all of this was some kind of nerd.

"Well, with all that out of the way," Rainbow Dash spoke up, "how about you show me how you did that thing?"

"What thing?"

"You know, the thing where you went the other way."

"What, you mean this?" The Scout performed a simple double jump.

"Yeah, that!"

"Can't tell you how. I don't even know why I have it, sometimes. I think it's cause I needed some other gimmick besides being fast to make me special, so Valve added it."

"...what?"

"Nothin'. Now, you answer me a question."

"Whatever, I can answer it!"

"Why is your hair all... that?"

"You got a problem with rainbows, bub?"

The Scout's mind flashed back to two separate instances: one time, when he tried to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow as a child, and ended up getting mugged by a gang of leprechauns, and later, when the Engineer made those goggles for everyone, and the Pyro suddenly shot rainbows and glitter at everyone (which still burned like real fire). "Kinda, yeah."

"Well, I was born like this. So, why do you carry a baseball bat around?"

As the Scout and Rainbow talked, Applejack and Twilight conversed.

"Where in the hay did you learn t' do interrogations like that?"

"Oh, it was just something I picked up from a detective book. It's nothing really."

"And where did ya learn t' fake injuries like that on someone?"

"...Fake?" Twilight looked to the human, who was now angrily chasing a rainbow-maned pegasus wearing his hat.

"Give that back, dammit!" he called out.

"You'll have to catch me first!" was the reply, and they went off into the distance.

Twilight sighed. "This is going to be something else, I can tell."

(Undeserving?) Praise

"Will you just stay still, god dammit!"

"Nope! I'll just keep this hat!"

"That's my hat! Give it back now!"

"Or what? You gonna hit me with that little ball again?"

The Scout had chased Rainbow Dash around the farm multiple times in his attempt to recover his stolen headgear. Twilight and Applejack had just watched, only mildly interested at this point. The Scout had tried to use his Sandman to knock Dash for a loop, like he did earlier, but she had grown adept at dodging the spherical projectiles. The chase seemed to go on forever, until the Scout realized something. He could simply...

"What the hay! How did you do that?"

"Easy. I'm th' best at what I do!"

After the Scout got his hat back through the power of scene breaks, he went back to the waiting unicorn and earth pony. "So, where am I stayin' again?"

"It's a house not too far from here, actually. It should be far enough out of town that you don't draw much attention to you; I'm not sure how they'd react to seeing a human."

"Alright, let's g-"

"There 'e is!"

The Scout turned around just in time to have three fillies tackle him, causing him to let out a rather feminine yelp.

"Applebloom!" Applejack scolded. "Where 're your manners? We don't just tackle and... hug our... guests?" Sure enough, the fillies seemed to be appreciatively hugging the human.

"But he saved us!" the white one said.

"Saved you?" Twilight asked. "From what?"

"From a manticore! In the Everfree Forest!" the orange pegasus exclaimed.

Applejack's expression turned from confusion to anger. "Th' Everfree Forest! What in the hay were ya all doin' there?"

The yellow filly's expression fell. "We were tryin' t' get our explorer cutie marks..."

"Well, that's all fine and dandy," the Scout spoke up. "Now can ya all get off o' me?"

The fillies did, and the human got back on his feet while dusting off his shirt.

"Wait," Rainbow spoke up, "you saved Scoots and her friends? I don't believe it."

"Ah find that kinda hard t' believe, too," Applejack said.

"What, ya don't believe me? O' course I saved 'em. That maltibore-"

"Manticore," Twilight corrected.

"Yeah, that, 'e was threatenin' 'em, and I, being th' good samaritan that I am, saved 'em."

"Yes, you sure saved zem by getting eaten, didn't you?" the Spy chimed in. The Scout ignored the Frenchman.

"He really did save us!" Applebloom said. "He went right up to that manticore 'nd started yellin' at it an' stuff! So we could get away!"

Rainbow, Twilight, and Applejack all looked at the Scout suspiciously. Applejack was the first one to smile slightly. "Well, if ya did save mah sister, then thanks."

Rainbow got in the Scout's face. "And if you did save them, which I still doubt, I guess you have my thanks, too."

"Uh... okay? Can I just go t' my house, now?"

"Sure thing, Scout." Twilight began walking down the road, the human following behind her. Applejack took Applebloom back into the house and told Sweetie Belle to go back to Rarity, and Scootaloo to go wherever it is she goes. Rainbow Dash just flew off to do whatever.

After some minutes of walking, Twilight and the Scout had arrived at a decently sized house on the edge of the forest.

"This is it!" the unicorn said. "You'll be able to live a decently quiet life, here, away from any prying eyes. Although..." She looked at the ground sheepishly. "...there's no food inside, yet, so you'll have to go hungry for today."

"Nah, it's fine, I got my own food." Demonstrating, the Scout took out one of the sandviches that the Heavy had given him, taking a bite out of it. Twilight noticed, curiously, that the bruises that he suffered during his quest to reclaim his hat were starting to fade already. "Anyway, thanks, Twalot."

"Twilight."

"Whateva." Finishing the sandvich, the Scout strolled inside the house as Twilight went off to her own home.

Inside, the Scout stretched out on the slightly-too-small couch. "So, Spy, what do I do now?"

A Texan voice answered. "Actually, Spah's not here at the moment."

"Hard Hat? What're you doin' on the mic?"

"Well, after me an' th' Medic talked a bit, we realized that you'd need an easy way t' get in and out of that there pony world."

"So... what're ya gonna do?"

"Simple. Ah'm gonna follow you in there, and set up a teleporter, so you can come and go as ya please."

"Really? When?"

"Right now, actually. Now, boys!" The Scout heard the sounds of splashing, ubering, and teleporting over the mic.

"Hey, Hard Hat, watch that first-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"...step."

Looking outside, the Scout saw a reddish figure fall into the forest. Quickly heading in, he soon came across the Engineer, who was mostly fine, despite the rough landing. "Well, that coulda gone better..."

"At least you're still in one piece. Now where we gonna put that teleporta?"

"Better start lookin' for a spot." The two teammates began walking through the forest together, shotguns at the ready. Eventually, they came across a rock. It would've been just another boulder, had the Engineer not noticed how it looked like it was blocking something. One hastily built wrangled level three sentry later, the boulder was gone, revealing a hole in the ground. After dismantling the sentry, the pair went inside, finding a large cave, with a small pond at the bottom. The Scout gave a low whistle in awe.

"Alright, time fer that teleporter, but first thing's first." The Engineer took out a rather large toolbox, clicked the clasps on in, and started beating it with a wrench.

"That don't look like no teleporter. Ya buildin' a dispenser, Hard Hat?"

"Nope." After some more hits with the wrench, it was complete: a red-hued resupply locker.

"Nice, Engi! Where'd ya learn ta do that?"

"Just had a lot of free time, is all." Refilling his metal, the Engineer took out a smaller toolbox. "Now, about that teleporter..."

He placed the new toolbox down and repeated the process, until the teleporter was up and running.

"Now, it's two way, so feel free t' stop by iffen ya need somethin'." Giving a wave, the Engineer stepped on the teleporter. His molecules were dismantled, and sent back to the other end, one dimension over. After resupplying his everything, the Scout left the cave, making sure to both mark it where he could find it easily and make it well hidden. After that, he went back into his new home, headed upstairs, found the bedroom, and promptly fell asleep once the day's events caught up to him in the form of serious fatigue.

Dying and (Wall) Breaking

It was still pitch black outside, and the Scout’s new house was filled with the sound of loud snoring. But then the blackness was broken ever so slightly by the sun rising. In the gentle blueish glow of the early morning, the Scout began to stir. Sleep-walking, he leaves the bed and goes downstairs, heading for the kitchen. Only when his sleeping form grab for a nonexistent energy drink does he snap awake.

“Oh... right.. food..” he mumbles to himself. Now partially awake, he begins taking in the early morning. Normally, at about this time, he would go out for some running around the base (or “parkour”, as the Spy called it. French bastard...). The exercise kept him limber, and gave him a slight sense of peace, being able to run without worry of a Russian man crushing his skull should he stop.

With this in mind, the Scout goes to the front door, ready to begin his morning run. To wake himself up fully, he takes out his pocket pistol and shoots himself in the foot. After yelping from the pain, he takes a bite out of one of the sandviches. Fully healed and awake, he leaves the confines of his house and starts running. He had no idea where he was going, other than it was away from that apple farm.

There wasn’t a single other creature on the path, which suited the Scout just fine. After all, Twilight said something about the ponies freaking out if they saw him. Or something. He was more or less tuning her out at the time. Regardless, if all the ponies here were as annoying as the ones he had met so far, then he’d like to avoid any further contact with them, if he could help it.

As his run went on, the Scout couldn’t help but notice that he seemed to be getting farther and farther into the forest, and the path was nearly nonexistent now. Still, he paid it no mind; even after that encounter with a manticore, he still considered himself tougher than these woods. Plus, he had guns now. Guns helped. A lot.

As he was casually jogging along, he stopped momentarily and started jogging in place to read his pulse. “Not even winded...” he said to no one in particular. Despite the now risen sun, and the fact that any normal forest would’ve been far more active during the day, all was silent, save for the Scout’s shoes hitting the grass.

Suddenly, a roar shook through the trees. Crying out in fear much louder than he wanted to (which was crying out in fear at all), the Scout whirled around to see a manticore behind him. Judging by the rather large bruise on its head, it was the same one he encountered before.

“Oh, so ya want some more, huh?” the Scout taunted, pulling out his trusty scattergun. “Alright, then. Bring it, ya mutant moron.”

The manticore roared, and used its tail to swipe the shotgun out of the human’s hands, sending it spiraling into the bushes.

“Uhh... okay.” The Scout pulled out his pistol. “I can still take ya!”

The manticore roared again, and the human fired off a few rounds in response. They seemed to bounce right off its hide.

“... crap.”

Almost instantly, the manticore pounced the Scout.

“OH GOD THAT IS STILL VERY PAINFUL!”

The manticore tore at the Scout again.

“WHY! WHY DO I KEEP COMIN’ HERE! NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS WHEN I COME HERE!”

And then he died.

Back at the base, the Scout respawned, angry. He went to look for the teleporter so he could go back, but on the way, he happened across a few cans of his favorite drink: Bonk! brand atomic punch (Now with isotopes!). Grabbing as many as he possibly could, he discarded his pistol and put them in his bag, along with the sandviches which somehow stayed with him through death. With that dealt with, he started looking for the teleporter back again. It wasn’t hard to find, as it was the only source of noise in the quiet building, being a whirring machine of molecular transportation. Stepping onto it, he was once again whisked away to the (rather deadly) world of ponies.

Appearing back in the cave, the Scout passed by the resupply locker, just in case, and climbed out of the makeshift cover he made for the hole. Adjusting his hat, he ran back to his house, entering through the back door. By now, the sun was fairly high in the sky. Ponies would probably be getting up soon, if they weren’t already. The Scout was prepared to simply sit back and relax for at least a few hours, but was instead greeted by a whirl of pink.

“Hiya!”

“HOLY-” Reflexively, the Scout brought out his Sandman and assumed a batter’s stance. Once he saw that it was just another pony, though, he put it away. “What do you want, pinky?”

The pink pony gasped loudly. “You know my name!”

“...I do?”

The pony looked confused, before giggling to herself. “Oh, sorry, you said pinky with a ‘Y’, I’m Pinkie with an ‘I E’!”

The Scout was confused, before realization hit him like a ton of bricks. “So, Pinkie, why are ya here?”

“Because you’re somepo- I mean, someone new in town, and I wanted to throw you-”

“A party, yeah, yeah,” the Scout finished, “you ain’t the only one who can read the script, Pinkie.”

Pinkie looked surprised, before she narrowed her eyes at the human. Then, as suddenly as it came, the hostility was gone. “Okie dokie lokie! We’ll get along just fine, I know it!” Humming something to herself, the pink pony hopped out the front door. While the Scout was, once again, confused, he remembered something.

“I thought I locked that door!”

Past Ties (And Other Lies)

After confirming that the door was indeed locked, the Scout sat down on the couch and tried to take a short nap. Purple-Smart didn’t want him to go into town, and the forest had proven to be nothing but a place full of bad things, so he figured that he could lay down and take a nap for a long while.

“Scout? Are you there?”

Alas, it was not to be.

“What is it, Doc?”

“Vell, I heard you come through not too long ago. Did you die again?”

“...yes.”

“Gah, dummkopf, why do I even trust you idiots... Anyvay, did you establish contact with ze ponies?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Wunderbar. If you do everything right, zey will start to trust you, and you can get one or two of them to bring you back, and I vill have my subjects!”

“Actually, the Engi built a two-way teleporter over ‘ere. Couldn’t I just send ‘em through there?”

“Sadly, nein. Ze teleporters are hard-coded to our DNA. To add anything to the line-up of the nine of us, we would have to bring them here, and if they’re here already, what’s ze point?”

“... Right. So, is Spy up to tell me what to do, yet?”

“I think he is still asleep. And besides, you’ve already made first contact. Just... vell, I would say ‘act natural’, but given how you can act, that is not ze best choice.”

“Screw you, too.”

“I vill remember zat when someone asks for healing.” With that, the Medic hung up, leaving the Scout to, once again, try to get in a quick nap.

Only for someone to knock on the door. At first, he ignored it, but they just kept knocking, and knocking, and-

“ALRIGHT, I’M COMIN’, JEEZ!”

Jumping off the couch, he opens the door to see Twilight standing there, accompanied by some other green unicorn who had a large smile on her face. It was rather unsettling.

“...is there somethin’ I can help ya with?” he asked.

“Yes, actually,” Twilight answered. “My friend here, Lyra, has always wanted to meet a real human, and... Well, here we are.” She chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of her head. Lyra’s smile never moved, and if one was watching closely, they could also say that she didn’t blink once.

“Well, eh, hi, Lyra.” The unicorn didn’t say anything, or alter her expression. “Look, are ya gonna stand there all day, or-”

The Scout was cut off by Lyra inhaling loudly, before belting out a series of rapid fire questions in one breath:

“Whatisitlikebeinghuman?Howdoyoubalanceonyourhindlegslikethat?What’syourfavoriteuseforyourhands? CanIborrowthemforawhile?Isittruethathumanshavenomagic?Whatkindofjobdidyouhave?Dohumanshavecutiemarks?Wheredoyouall-”

Lyra was cut off by a purple hoof covering her mouth. “Calm down, Lyra! He’s new here, he’s probably confused!”

Meanwhile, the Scout was just finishing thinking of answers to the questions. “Alright; somethin’ in the ears, I dunno; beatin’ heads in; no; I’ve seen some used, but only once; the best merc this side of comic books; and no.”

Both of the unicorns paused for a while, processing all the things the Scout had said. Twilight was the first to recover. “Wait, ‘merc’? As in mercenary?”

“Yeah, mah first real job out of high school. Course, I left school when I was sixteen, because they apparently owed some money t’ th’ mafia, or somethin’.”

“So wait... You’re not properly educated?”

“I’m smart enough to work with guns, I don’t need no fancy education. Besides, I think respawnin’ so much might be making me smarter. Somehow.”

Both of the ponies gave the human confused looks. In the ear-piece, the Spy made himself known.

“Ix-nay the espawn-ray.”

“...What?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, uh, nothin’, I mean- Hey, you like humans, do ya Lyra?” The change of topic didn’t go unnoticed by Twilight, but she decided to let it go for now.

“Yeah!” Lyra said, excitedly. “And now I get to meet the first one in Equestria!” She let out a small squee of happiness.

“Well, not the first human...” Twilight said, still remembering the incident a couple weeks ago.

“Huh?”

“Oh, right, nearly forgot about that. That was this French dude I work with, kind of a complete jerk. He was here for like, what, three months? Oh, and he said he fooled some pony into thinkin’ he was some ‘spirit of the humans’ or somethin’.” The Scout chuckled to himself. “Ain’t that rich?”

As he looked at the two ponies, he noticed that neither of them were laughing. Twilight seemed annoyed and somewhat angry, while Lyra... was starting to tear up?

“You do realize that Lyra was ze one I fooled, correct?”

The news made Scout speechless, for the first time in a long, long while.

“Th- that was... a trick?” Lyra asked, her eyes now brimming with tears.

“Uh...Well... You see...” Subtly, the Scout started taking out one of the cans of energy drinks he had. He then pointed behind the ponies. “Oh my god, what the hell is that?!”

When both of them whirled around to see what would warrant such a reaction, the human quickly broke the tab on the can before gulping down a mouthful. Almost instantly, the drink took effect. Time seemed to slow down, yet the Scout could still move at normal speeds. As Twilight seemed to slowly turn around, the Scout ran past her. He ran for about eight seconds, and then time started to appear normal to him again, as the drink’s effect wore off.

Back at the house, all Twilight had seen was a red and black blur go by. When she looked back, the Scout was gone.

“What- But- Where did he go?” she stammered out.

“Uh, Twilight...” A still-teary Lyra pointed towards the town, where a reddish shape could be seen running.

Twilight was furious. “That little-” As the situation dawned on her, however, her rage was placed with worry. “Wait, into Ponyville? Where all the ponies can see him?! Oh, this is not good. If the ponies see him, they’ll cause a commotion, which will get the attention of Princess Celestia, who will send Scout back to where he came from, or worse! And worst of all-” Her pupils dilated. “It would be my fault! Celestia would get rid of me as her personal student, and maybe even banish me from Equestria!” Twilight was very nearly hysterical.

“Uh, Twilight, aren’t you-”

“Overreacting?! No, not at all! It’s just that some alien who has a history of violence has run into town where he’ll cause a scene that will make the princess come here and she’ll ask who was responsible and it would be me!” Now Twilight was completely hysterical. Before Lyra could say anything, Twilight disappeared with a pop and a flash of purple. Shrugging, the green unicorn started going back to her home, where she would wait for this to all blow over like it usually did.

Author's Note

Oh hey, this is a thing now. Soo... yeah. New chapter. And stuff.

Meeting with Royalty

Twilight reappeared near the middle of town. She looked around frantically for the human, but saw no signs of him in the immediate area. Looking up, she saw a familiar rainbow tail sticking out from a low-flying cloud.

“Rainbow!” she yelled. The pegasus on the cloud woke up with a start, nearly falling off.

“What the hay, Twilight! I was in the middle of my mid-day nap!” Rainbow said, aggravated at this interruption of her peaceful slumber.

“Scout’s heading into town! And he might cause a scene, which would get the attention of Princess Celestia, and-”

“Wait, are you doing that thing where you overreact to something again?”

“What?! No! This is serious, Rainbow! I need you to help me find him!”

“Oh, alright.” Rainbow Dash stretched her wings before taking off into the sky, searching for any telltale signs of the human. Within seconds, she saw something. “He’s over by the library!” she shouted down to Twilight.

“Stop him! Hopefully he hasn’t drawn any attention to himself yet!”

“Got it!” Rainbow aimed herself before swooping down to tackle the Scout. Moments before impact, he turned to face her.

“Gah, what the hell-” He was cut short as the pony slammed into him, managing to knock the two of them through a window into the library. The Scout recovered first, and made a run for the door, but Twilight teleported in and slammed the door shut and covered the window with an overturned table.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” she scolded the Scout. “If anypony sees you, then they’ll go into a panic!”

“What did ya want me t’ do, just stand there while Lyre-”

“Lyra!”

“Yeah, whatever, she cries over somethin’ one o’ my teammates did?”

“Well I didn’t think you’d just run off like that!”

“She’s right, you know,” the Spy chimed in. “That was a rather brash and stupid decision.”

“I had my reasons,” the Scout replied to both of them.

“...I sure did miss a lot, didn’t I?” Rainbow spoke up.

“That doesn’t matter! What if you were found out, Scout? What do you think would happen then?”

“...nothin’?”

“No! Everypony would freak out, and then the princess would have to come down here, and then she’ll banish you, or worse, and then I’ll get in trouble, and-”

The Scout saw his chance to shift the blame off of himself. “Wait, so you only did this so you wouldn’t get in trouble?”

This caught the unicorn off guard. “What!? I- No, I stopped you because-”

“Because you would have been the one blamed if I, in fact, was seen as a threat, right?”

“I...” Twilight’s expression fell. “Yes.”

Just then, the sound of a chariot landing outside followed by a loud fanfare of trumpets filling the air. Twilight’s pupils narrowed to pin pricks.

“I forgot that the princess would arrive today to look at what I found out with Lyra! Oh nononononono-” She ran around the library, searching desperately for something to hide the Scout with. Soon, she found something that could work. “Yes, a transformation spell,” she thought out loud, pointing her horn at the human. “I’ll just turn you into a pony, then she’ll never know!”

Now it was the Scout’s turn for his pupils to dilate. “Uh, that doesn’t sound like a good idea...”

Twilight didn’t hear him. “Yes, it’s foolproof! Now just hold still...” Her horn began to light up, and the Scout started to step away from the unicorn.

“I- I’m gonna go, now.”

“Rainbow, hold him!”

While Rainbow was worried for her friend’s mental state, she still obeyed, tackling the Scout to the ground and holding him still.

“Let me go, ya rainbow freak!”

“I’m the freak? You’re the one who can jump twice!”

Any further arguments were halted as a beam shot from Twilight’s horn into the Scout. At first, nothing happened, but then he yelled in pain as his skeleton started to rearrange itself. Rainbow let go and floated over to Twilight’s side, a look of confusion and horror on her face.

After what seemed like forever (but was really only 2 seconds), all the glowing and pain stopped. When the Scout opened his eyes, he saw both of the ponies looking at him, surprised. He pointed a hand at Twilight. “What the hell was that abo-”

Then he saw that it wasn’t a hand he was pointing. Yelling in surprise, he picked himself up to see that he was now, in fact, a pony. Thankfully, he still had his hat, but that was small comfort.

“GAH! CHANGE ME BACK, CHANGE ME BACK!” The Scout awkwardly tried to walk on four legs, only falling repeatedly as a result.

“But now the princess won’t know you’re a human now! This plan is foolproof!”

“I don’t care! Just change me back now! I ain’t meant to be a pony!”

“Ahem.”

All three of them jumped at the new voice. They all turned to see Princess Celestia standing in the doorway, an unamused look on her face. The Scout was the first to say something.

“Don’t look at me, I’m slightly less handsome!” the Scout shouted in remorse, turning away from Celestia. Twilight looked nervously between the newly-transformed pony and the princess.

“H- How long were you standing there, Princess?” she asked.

“Long enough,” Celestia replied, her voice that of a disappointed school teacher. “Twilight, what did you do?”

“I... uh...” She looked at both Rainbow Dash, who shrugged in cluelessness, and the Scout, who had gotten the hang of using his back legs to painfully slide along the ground as a form of locomotion. “...would you believe me if I said nothing?”

Celestia just kept staring at her student, completely unamused.

“Right, uh...”

“My hands!” Scout yelled with loss from across the room, after trying to pick up a book with his new appendages. “My beautiful hands!”

Twilight’s ears fell. “You already know, don’t you?”

“Yes, Twilight, I do.” The princess’s horn began glowing, and the Scout was lifted off the ground. The glow brightened intensely, and when it died away, the Scout was back to his human self. When he noticed this, he began to shout with joy.

“Thank you, weird princess horse!”

No one said a word, until Celestia cleared her throat. “Twilight, mind telling me what’s going on?”

“So this man...”

“Spy.”

“Right, the Spy, was the human here a few weeks ago?”

“Yep.”

“And you were both hired, along with seven others like you, to protect this company from robots?”

“Uh-huh.”

Celestia chose her words carefully- she didn’t want to reveal that she knew this human’s employer on a personal level. “Do they know you’re here?”

“My team, or the company?”

“The company.”

“Nope.”

In her mind, Celestia weighed her options. She could tell Saxton that another of his mercs was here, and send him back, but the way he said he was tired of the constant fighting made her think that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to keep this man in Equestria, even if he does have a history of violence.

The Scout, meanwhile, was congratulating himself on his ability to tell lies. Well, it was only one lie, and it was one he used before, but his ego needed feeding, anyway.

Twilight was watching the two talk with rapt attention. She knew that whatever happened, she would be responsible. She ignored the fact that the Scout could easily be lying, or that she wouldn’t be held responsible at all.

Rainbow sat nearby, asleep in a chair.

“Well, Scout, I must say that you do seem to be the dangerous type...”

Twilight held her breath.

“... but you also seem to be kind at heart, even if you are rather... arrogant.”

“It ain’t arrogance if you’re just that good!”

“... right. Twilight?”

The unicorn jumped at the sound of her name. “Y- Yes, Princess?”

“Make sure that Scout gets acquainted here in Ponyville.” Celestia added in a whisper, “I’m sure you and the other Elements could help him learn to be nicer, as well.”

With that, the princess headed outside and got back into her chariot. She said one last farewell, and the pegasus guards pulling it took off for Canterlot. Once she was out of sight, Twilight let out a huge sigh of relief.

“Did ya really have t’ change me into a pony, though?”

Twilight shook her head sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”

“Eh, I’ve been through worse. Tell me, ya ever been covered in piss, then set on fire, then hit with a knife dat makes you bleed at the same time?”

Twilight’s both disgusted and horrified face was all the answer he needed. “Didn’t think so.”

Rainbow waking up with a loud yawn got both of their attention. “W- Wha? She’s gone already? How long was I out?”

“Two hours,” Twilight answered.

“Well, Imma go back home then,” the Scout said. He was about to take another sip of his energy drink, to make the trip faster for him, but was interrupted by Rainbow Dash.

“Hey, what’s that?”

“Just one o’ my favorite drinks in the world.”

“It can’t be that good.”

“Really? Here.” He tossed an unopened can to the pegasus, who barely caught it in her hooves. “Take a sip.”

Popping the tab with her teeth, she did so, just as the Scout did the same. At first, nothing happened. “Bleh, that tastes like-”

And then the drink took effect, Dash’s eyes widening.

While only a few ponies (and one human) knew what really happened, all of them knew that on that day, numerous sonic rainbooms were heard and seen across the sky in a span of only eight seconds.

Fire on the Horizon

After the rush from the energy drink wore off, Rainbow landed on a cloud and immediately fell asleep. Meanwhile, the ponies on the ground were staring at the cascade of rainbows left in the pegasus's wake. Amidst this, the Scout began walking home. Seeing this, Twilight trotted up to him.

"Scout, are you sure that was a good idea, giving Rainbow that... whatever it was?"

"No idea."

Twilight stopped. "You mean- That stuff could've been dangerous to her?!"

"Hey, I drink it all the time, and I'm fine!"

"Well... I guess so..."

"Once you get used to the tumors, it's nothin', really."

"If you say- Wait, what?!"

Her inquiry went unanswered, as the Scout had began his run back to his house. Once he was out of town, and after making sure he was alone, he tapped his headset a couple times. "Yo, anyone? You there?"

There were sounds of something moving around on the other end, followed by a gruff Russian voice answering. "Da."

"Heavy? Why are you on the mic?"

"Mann Co. have us move to headquarters to fight robots. Was moving things."

"Really? Well, that explains where you all were the past few hours."

"How is little man liking pony land?"

"Eh, it's alright. Met the princess, got kinda-sorta found out, you know."

"I do not know what-" The Heavy was interrupted by someone shouting angrily in the background. "Doctor, you should not lift things with tiny arms. Be like Scout, who got found in pony land." The Medic shouted again, before apparently grabbing the mic from the Russian.

"Vhat do you mean, found out?!"

"Look, some things happened, and I happened to meet th' princess in charge, or somethin'. Also, I got turned into a pony."

The doctor's rage was replaced with curiosity. "Really? You are a pony right now?"

"No, I got changed back. Bein' a pony sucks on ice."

"Hmm... Perhaps I could simply get one of those unicorns to turn one of zese dummkopfs into a pony, and then study zem..."

"Uh, Doc?"

"Oh, sorry. Anyvay, you did not reveal your true purpose for coming here, did you?"

"No, I didn't, don't worry."

"Good, good. Maybe ve can-" Now it was the Medic's turn to be interrupted, as the Heavy said something that the Scout couldn't hear. What he did hear, however, was the Medic's following shout of "Vhat?!"

"What's wrong, Doc?" By now, the Scout had made it home, and started lounging on the couch.

"Zhis is bad, zhis is very bad..."

"Out with it, Doc, what happened?"

"Ze Pyro... It seems he took that teleporter ze Engineer built for you. And... it seems he's not coming back."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pyro? As in that mute freak who burns things that he don't like?"

"Ja... Ze same. Scout, vhatever you do, keep him from causing harm to ze ponies. He could ruin your reputation with ze ponies, and zey need to trust you completely."

"How long ago did he teleport?"

"I do not know. It could've been hours ago, for all we know."

"Ah, crap..." The Scout sprinted out the door back to Ponyville, trying to come up with an excuse as to why he suddenly knew about one of his colleagues being here.

An hour ago...

The Pyro was confused. This was not the base. Sure, there was a resupply locker, but it was in a cave, not a coal museum, or a quicklime factory, or even whatever the Soldier was trying to make those shacks look like.

What stood out about the cave, though, was the pool of water near the middle. Despite his fondness of fire, and the subsequent hate of water for quenching that fire, he couldn't help but come closer to it...

Only to trip on a rock and fall in.

No goggles, eh? Oh well. Your loss.

The Pyro looked around him. Filling the cave were nine clones of himself, created by the weird pond in the middle of the cave, and each one with their own hat, thanks to the resupply locker. None of them knew what to do, really, but the "leader", designated by both a pillar of hats and a pair of yellow tinted lenses, decided to see what was outside. So one by one, they filed up out of the cave and into a forest. Seeing unburnt trees all around them, they puffed the leaves with their flamethrowers to set them ablaze. Then they marched in no specific direction, lighting trees (and the occasional wild animal) the whole way. They marched as if they had a purpose, even though most of them had materialized not too long ago. They simply followed the "leader", who also happened to be THE Pyro.

Out of nowhere, a figure jumped from a bush nearby. They all raised their weapons, but lowered them when they saw it was the Scout.

"Pyro!...s. Pyros. More than one. Welp."

The one in charge mumbled something along the lines of "What are you doing in this forest we are lighting on fire?" However, it only came out as "Mmmph mph mmmphmph?"

The Scout looked at him, confused, when another voice called from above, "Hey, freaks!"

All of the Pyros looked up to see a rainbow-maned flying horse hovering over them, poised in what they assumed to be a menacing fashion. They stared her down for a while, as the forest burned, until the lead Pyro mumbled something and pointed back into the forest. The others exchanged their flamethrowers for various other items, including flare guns, shot guns, and fire axes. The Scout wielded his scattergun and fired a shot at the Pyro at the back of the pack, only for it to do nothing. He was confused, before he had a sudden flash of realization.

"Oh, right, forgot!" He stood still for a moment, looking into space, before shaking his head and looking after the retreating Pyros. "Dat's better."
mp_friendlyfire 1
"Wait, what did you do?" the pegasus asked, now chasing the arsonists.

"Oh, nothin', nothin'," he said, joining the chase.

Up ahead, the Pyros had found themselves trapped in a cave, and not the one they arrived in. Turning, they saw the Scout come in after them, scattergun drawn. He stopped at the mouth of the cave, looking at the ten Pyros. The pegasus landed next to him, looking ready to fight. One of the Pyros shot a flare, but it went wide and missed both of them completely. It also brought to the attention of the Pyros that the fire was being put out by other winged horses. The Pyros started to mumble amongst themselves, seemingly arguing about something.

"Hey, Rainbow, you can get out of here," the Scout whispered, trying not to catch the Pyros' attention.

"What? No! They nearly burned the town down, and I want to kick their flanks!"

"You want some more of that drink I gave ya?"

As much as she hated to, she nodded. That sip had gotten her hooked.

"Then leave."

"Fine." She flew off to help the rest of the pegasi, leaving the Scout standing there while the Pyros continued to argue. Clearing his throat, he got their attention, before raising his hand and saying a short phrase:

"Let's go!"

The Pyros immediately got his intention, as one of them walked up and high-fived him. This caused all of them to start high-fiving each other. Soon, the Scout got what he was looking for, as they were all busy at once with high-fives.

Moving quickly, he took out his scattergun and ran up behind a Pyro, shooting him point-blank, killing the clone. Before the others could react, the Scout had killed five others, before beating three to death with his bat. Now all that was left was the original Pyro, who had his flamethrower out and lit, and the Scout.

"Pyro, Pyro, Pyro... Da hell are ya doin' 'ere?"

"Mmph mmphmphmphmph mph mmmph mmmph!"

"I know you teleported, but why didn't ya just go back? I mean, da teleporta was still on, right?"

"Mm-hmph."

"So why didn't ya go?"

The Pyro stayed silent.

"Well, whateva, I'm on a mission here, and you bein' here burnin' everythin' ain't helpin' dat!"

"...mph-mph."

"Also, Spy said you were a mutant freak, who only burned things 'cause ya ain't right in da head."

In the Scout's headset, the Spy chimed in. "I did no such thing!" He was ignored, however.

Hearing this, the Pyro roared in anger, before slumping to the ground, limp.

Chuckling, the Scout left the cave to see that the fires were completely put out. Whistling a tune as he reloaded his scattergun (by which I mean he simply ejected the empty shells), he walked slowly back towards Ponyville.

Author's Note

Don't worry; you can see the Pyrovision version, too, without breaking any laws of time and space. Simply click back and use the other link. Or simply click to the next chapter. Cheater

So you decided to wear the goggles? In that case, here. You're welcome.
For best results, use the Pinkie or Dash color scheme.

The Pyro looked around the colorful cave, at the nine other Pyros who had appeared. They were all bobbing around with their own hats, delighted at the prospect of more friends to spend time with. One of them, outfitted with a pillar of hats, led his entourage out of the cave, into the bright candy forest. Overjoyed, the Pyros started spraying rainbows everywhere, dancing along all the while. Occasionally, they'd see an adorable kitten or puppy or billy goat, and they would bathe it in sparkles and rainbows, too. They kept spreading joy and color all amongst the forest and its denizens, with no specific direction in mind; they just went wherever happiness and joy needed to be spread. One of them had stumbled upon a family of adorable bunnies, and was happy to cover them in rainbows while they laughed. The Pyro responsible, meanwhile, laughed gleefully as the rabbits burned to an agonizing death right in front of him.

This procession of joy and wonder carried on until something popped out of a bush. Looking at the intrusion, they recognized it as the Scout, one of their best friends back home.

"Hey, Pyros!" he said. "I'm just so happy, aren't you?"

The designated leader of the parade of sunshine and rainbows greeted his friend with joyful mumbles. The Scout smiled at them, before a voice called out from above, "Hey, freaks!"

Looking up into the colorful sky, the Pyros spotted a monstrosity of nature. It looked like a grotesque horse with wings attached in places where wings would never work, and various spots of rotted flesh were noticeable. They stared at the creature in fear, until the lead Pyro screamed and ran away back into the rainbow-filled candy forest. The rest followed him, leaving the Scout with the slightly confused pegasus.
mp_friendlyfire 1
The Pyros, meanwhile, had fled into a cave made of peppermint candy. Turning around, they were relieved to see the Scout standing there, smile on his face and candy-blaster drawn, but that relief was dashed as the monstrosity from earlier landed menacingly next to him. Out of desperation, one of the Pyros blew a stream of bubbles towards the monster, but they harmlessly sailed by. In fact, this brought to their attention that other similar monsters were getting rid of all of the rainbows they had so lovingly spread around. This spurred frightened arguments among them, debating what they should do. One of them suggested using the rain-blowers on it, but the rest looked at him as if he were crazy.

However, when they looked back, they saw the monster fly off, the Scout remaining. All the Pyros smiled (at least, as much as they could convey it under the gas masks). Their friend had saved them all!

For celebration, the Scout raised his hand into the air, calling out "Let's go!"

Overjoyed, a Pyro ran up and returned the high-five, and the whole group broke into a series of high-fives and hugs. To add to the celebration, the Scout even started blasting some of them with his candy-blaster, spraying them with the blood of their comrades. Soon, only the lead Pyro wasn't subdued by the sugary goodness. Seeing this, the Pyro took out his rain-blower and warmed it up. Before he could cover his friend in rainbows and sparkles, though, he started talking.

"Pyro, what are ya doin' in this place, ya scamp?"

"Mmph-mmph mmmph mphmph mmph!"

"Yeah, dat Engineer has some pretty cool stuff. Why don't you go back home?"

"Mmph-mph?"

"Well, ya see, I gotta do somethin' important here. You betta go back and help out those at home!"

"...mph-mph."

"Don't worry. I hear the Spy said he loves you so much!"

Filled with joy, the Pyro giggled excitedly, before leaving for home by sheer force of will. The Scout, happy that his friend was happy, started bobbing along towards town, reloading his scattergun and cleaning the blood off his clothes as he walked through the burning forest. Today was a very stressful day. He couldn't wait to get to his house and listen to the screams of pain from the Spy. Truly hilarious.

ERROR: Pyrovision.exe has crashed and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

The Show's Just Starting

By the time the Scout had gotten back to his home, all of the fires had been put out already. It was rather easy to not let on that his teammates were feeding him info through his headset, so he simply had to say that he saw one of his former colleagues in the forest. Of course there were questions, but most of them were forgotten once they saw the flames. Sure, there were animals who burned to death, but thankfully no one decided to be completely irrational and blame him for it.

A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. He opened it to see Twilight standing there.

"'Ey, Twilight."

"Hello, Scout. I wanted to ask you a few questions about that... 'friend' of yours."

"I wouldn't say he's a friend, more like a freak who happened to be on my team."

"Right. Anyway, I found out why there were ten of him."

"Really? Why's that?"

"It seems that he stumbled into the mirror pool and cloned himself. We had a problem with it once, with Pinkie, but I sealed it back up, for good this time."

The Scout remembered the teleporter and resupply locker that was in that cave, and he tried to not show a reaction. "W- Well, that's good, I guess."

"Oh yeah, and Pinkie wanted me to give you this." Twilight levitated a pink envelope in front of him, which he grabbed. "It's an invitation to a party tomorrow. Will you be able to make it?"

"Sure, I guess."

"Alright, I'll see you then." Twilight trotted off, and the Scout looked at the envelope. Shrugging, he decided to open it-

"GAH!"

Only to get a face full of confetti. After getting his heart rate back down, he read the short note:

You have been formally invited to your "Welcome to Equestria" party, tomorrow at 3! Come to the Sugarcube Corner, but remember, it's supposed to be a surprise!
-Pinkie Pie

The Scout read that last sentence at least four times. She wanted it to be a surprise for him, yet she both sent this letter and stated what it was for in said letter.

Truly a mystery for the ages.

Putting that aside, the Scout tried to fix the other problem he had at the moment. "Hey, anyone there?"

For a while, no one answered, then the Engineer spoke from the headset. "How are ya, Scout?"

"Doin' good, hard hat. I'm gonna need a favor of ya."

"What is it this time?"

"Well, that cave with the teleporter and locker got sealed off. I was wonderin' if you could come back in and get a new one runnin'."

"Actually, I have a better idea. They got a long-range teleporter here at Mann Co., so I'm gonna try to send it through there."

"Am I gonna have to do anythin'?"

"Yeah, go to where you want the teleporter and place your headset there."

Going to the bedroom, the Scout placed his headset in the corner. Before he stood back, he made sure to say "Okay," in the mic.

He waited, until the familiar sound of a teleporter filled his ears. A self-building teleporter exit had appeared right next to the headset, which he picked up and put back on.

"It get there?"

"Yeah, hard hat, thanks."

"Now, I can't send a resupply locker through there, so you'll have to make due by yourself."

"Got it." Once the teleporter was up and whirring, the Scout decided it was time to sleep, even though it was still daylight out. This did not stop him from his nap.

Meanwhile, Mann Co. HQ

"Mr. Hale, sir?"

"What is it, Bidwell, can't you see I'm busy readjusting my yeti bone desk?"

"It's our prototype teleporter, sir. It was used."

"So what? If it was used, that's good, right? After all, it won't stop being a prototype if no one uses it."

"But, sir, we traced it to the destination... and it's in that one dimension you went to."

"The one with all the demons?"

"No, sir, the other one."

"Equestria?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well I'll be damned. Who used it?"

"One of the mercenaries."

"Hmm... What was sent?"

"We're not sure, but it seemed to be a tool or something of that sort."

"Welp, looks like one of those idiots is spending vacation time in Equestria again. I needed an excuse to pay Tia another visit, anyway. Bidwell!"

"Y- Yes, sir?"

"Fetch my inter-dimensional shorts."

Meanwhile again, in Undisclosed Location

"*beep boop* Sir, we have picked up a teleportation from the Mann Co. base.*bleep bloop*"

"Yes, so what? Those mercenaries use teleporters all the time."

"*baddaboop* But sir, it had an exit point in what seems like another dimension. *blarpa barp*"

"Really now? Hmm... This may prove worthy of looking into..."

"*robot noises* Shall we delay the attack in which we send in waves of giant robots and tanks? *feliz navidad*"

"What have I told you about saying our plans out loud, you idiots? I swear, what was I thinking when I made you..."

"ALL HAIL THE MAKER!"

"I could've sworn I disabled that hailing circuit. Ah well, no matter. Mecha-Engineer!"

"*boop* Yes, sir?"

"Prepare a carrier tank for teleportation. Trace the signal from the teleporter at Mann Co., and place it five kilometers west."

"*beep* Sir, I can't tell which way is west. *beep boop goin' up*"

"Then just move it five kilometers to the side, or something. I swear, whoever said Undisclosed Location was a relaxing place was a filthy liar."

"*beep boop over here* What shall we do, maker? *bop*"

"It seems that Mann Co. has some sort of interdimensional partner. Let us give them a transfusion of our army."

"*beep beep boop, wanker* Nice job working the title in like that, Maker. *that's some shonky beep boop right there*"

"Yes, it was rather clever, wasn't it? In a few days, whoever is in that other dimension will know the name of Gray Mann."

Spreading the Gas...

Previously, on Interdimensional Transfusion...*

"One of my mercs is taking a vacation, eh? I'll have to fix that..."

"Mmph mph mphmph!"

"Whaddya mean I'm da fatha?!"

"Dash, what's gotten into you?"

"I won't rest until I have that drink!"

"You know, a pony like me could learn to love somepony like you..."

"*beep boop* What is love?"

"It's only a matter of time before the inhabitants of the other dimension know the name of Gray Mann..."

"I don't care about the casualties, general! Bring me Scout's head on a stick!"

"Heavy?! But you vere dead!"

"Nyet. Was twin brother. Recap over now."

And now, we return to All My Fortress Interdimensional Transfusion...

*Disclaimer: Some or all of the events covered in the recap may or may not be completely or partially fabricated within a degree of the truth.

The Scout awoke around noon with a slight spring in his step. He was off to go to a party hosted by a tiny horse where other tiny horses would greet the first (well, technically, second) human they had ever met. Surprisingly, this wasn't the strangest thing he had run into in his time as an employee of Reliable Excavation Demolition.

The teleporter was still up and running, so the Scout simply got his stuff together, ate half a sandvich, and left for Ponyville. Absolutely nothing bad was going to happen today.

An hour later, a figure came through the teleporter in the Scout's house. Soon after that was another, much larger figure, this one carrying various tools and implements on a cart.

"Why is Doctor wanting to go to pony land?" the large one asked in his Russian accent.

"Because I'm tired of vaiting for Scout to give us results," was the German-accented reply. The Russian simply shrugged in response.

"Where put dese things?"

"There should be a basement in the house, let's set up there."

There was, in fact, a basement, although it was more like a large underground closet. Still, it was enough room to work with. The Heavy placed the cart down, and the Medic began taking larger parts off of it and spaced them around the cramped room. Last of all, he set up a fold-out table, complete with medigun mount situated at an angle to it.

"Vell, everyzing's in place..." He chuckled evilly. "Now we need ze specimen..."

The Scout had a few hours to kill when he entered the town, so he spent it on the gingerbread roof of the building where he was supposed to be, napping. The ponies of the town had been surprisingly accepting of him, although an outside observer could see their nervousness. The Scout, however, only saw the admiration, as apparently the story of him saving three fillies from a manticore had spread around.

Once it was the appropriate time, he leaped off the roof, double-jumping to avoid breaking his ankles, and strode into the shop's front doors. Naturally, he was met with a certain group of mares shouting "Surprise!" The ringleader of the festivities herself stood front and center, an unnaturally wide smile on her pink face. As greetings were exchanged, the Scout couldn't help but notice an absent member of the group of friends.

"Say, where's Rainbow Bright?"

"Rainbow Dash," Twilight corrected.

"That's what I said."

"She said she couldn't make it, since she had so much work to do," Pinkie said, sadly. The sadness was replaced with joy as she added, "But she said she'll try to make it later, so in the meantime, let's PARTY!"

And party they did.

Rainbow Dash couldn't believe it. Here was another one of Pinkie's parties, held for the supplier of one of her new favorite things ever, no less, and she couldn't make it because of all this weather patrol duty that had been piling up!

Aggravated, she kicked another cloud, moving steadily outwards to the edge of the Everfree. She was actually near Scout's house, now. He probably had a few cans of that stuff laying around, so she could go in and have just a sip..

But no, that would be both breaking and entering, and stealing. Both of which things that, among other things, can easily deny you entry to the Wonderbolts.

But then again, the rush she felt with that drink felt so-

Her internal conflict was interrupted by a sharp pain in her flank. She yelped in surprise, but then it turned to a whimper as she found she was losing feeling in her body. She plummeted to the ground, which, luckily for her, wasn't too far away. As she landed, she looked up, seeing a bipedal figure silhouetted against the sun. It seemed to be holding some kind of small device, and she turned to see an arrow sticking out of her flank. She wanted to cry out in a mixture of pain, fear, anger, and confusion, but that came out was a strangled cry. She could feel that she was losing consciousness, but she fought it to the best of her ability. The figure laughed.

"Looks like ve have un volunteer," it said, in a strange accent. "Heavy, give me a hand with zis."

Before she could find out who this "Heavy" was, she passed out.

The party was rather fun, actually. The Scout figured he would never play stupid party games (unless it helped him hit on single moms), but he actually found himself having fun.

At least, until he started losing at everything. Then that fun turned into grumpiness. The others tried to convince him that winning wasn't everything, but he would have none of it. Pinkie was obviously cheating at Pin the Tail on the Pony!

Regardless, the party went on for about another half hour, until Applejack happened to look out the window, and all the happiness drained out of her. "Uh, girls, and Scout," she hastily added, "y'all should come look at this."

Confused, they did, save for Scout, who was still trying to break a pinata while blindfolded. All at once, they gasped and started murmuring. A crash marked the Scout finally hitting the pinata. He started to celebrate, then he saw all the ponies gathered around the window. "Hey, what're y'all lookin' at?"

None of them answered, so he went to the window himself to see just what it was. What he saw was a massive blue vessel parked outside of Ponyville, towering above a thick section of the Everfree. He recognized that tank.

"Aw crap."

"Fascinating..."

The Medic was already partway through with his dissection of the pony. The medigun had accepted it with minimal tuning, letting the doctor focus on inspecting the inner workings of his specimen. Already, he had extracted the heart and the lungs, and he was busy inspecting the former. On a board next to him were x-ray pictures of the pony, showing bone structure, as well as a few quick sketches of the organs, both extracted and still in place. From what he had found so far, these ponies seemed to be similar to humans in many ways, yet at the same time they were similar to normal equines from his world. In fact, if humans had evolved from horses, rather than apes, he might say that the ponies would be the missing link in that case.

The Heavy, meanwhile, simply stood off to the side and watched. He personally did not like what the Medic was doing, cutting open an innocent creature like this, but he wasn't exactly one to talk on moral standards.

After displacing a few ribs (while also finding out that the pegasi subspecies of pony had lightweight bones, not unlike a bird), the Medic came across a rather unusual organ. Immediately, he set to work cutting it out, and soon held it in his hand. It was... odd, to say the least. It looked to be similar to the heart in shape and size, yet it seemed to... sparkle, for lack of a better word, and it secreted a strange, gooey, purplish substance, which oozed out when it pulsated, also similar to a heart. Curious, the Medic looked at one of the many displays hooked up to the pony, and found that whatever he removed would prove fatal if the medigun was taken off of it (or her, rather: it actually took him this long to finally remember to look at the creature's gender). At least, fatal alongside the missing heart and lungs.

Cutting open the organ with his trusty bonesaw, the Medic found that the surface of the organ was tougher than it appeared, and it took a considerable amount of force before he split it into two halves. It was filled with more of the substance, which the Medic dipped his finger into, inspecting it. As he looked close, he noticed small multicolored sparks traveling throughout the liquid, yet no shocks were felt. In fact, those sparks reminded him of...

Hit with inspiration, he inspected his saw: The cutting edge was covered in the stuff, and it, too, had sparks traveling throughout it. Turning to the Heavy, he prepares to swing. "Sorry, mein friend."

The saw hits the Heavy in the arm, causing him to yell out in pain. He looked at the wound; being the Medic's test subject for some weapons wasn't new, but this hurt more than even a crit swing from the saw. He took a bite of the sandvich he always carried, healing the wound right up.

The Medic grinned sadistically. This substance wouldn't just give crits... it would amplify them, too! On top of that, when he turned back to the fileted organ, it seemed to be overflowing with the substance slightly, as if...

"...it self-replinishes, even when out of ze body," he finishes the thought giddily. If he could harness one of these organs for his medigun, he could makes whoever he's healing into an unstoppable killing machine.

Despite this, he didn't want to kill the pony, if he could help it. After all, he was still a man of science, and it's generally not good science to kill your specimen, especially if it's the first one of its kind you've ever studied.

"Uugh..."

It's also not good science to have your subject wake up while you're in the middle of dissec- er, "operating". The pony's eye's shot open and scanned the room. Undoubtedly, she saw:

A. The gaping hole in her body.
B. The strange human covered in her blood up to the wrists.
C. The aforementioned human standing over a set of organs on a table.
D. Those same organs, particularly the heart and lungs, decidedly missing from her open body cavity.
And last but not least, E. The other, large human, who simply shrugged at the pony when she looked at him.

When all these factors are taken into account, it is a perfectly reasonable reaction to, say, scream uncontrollably while struggling against the bonds you just now noticed were there on the table. She only stopped when the bloody human covered her mouth with a hand (a hand covered in her blood, she realized with a fright) and said, "Come, now, how can I vork when you insist on keeping up zat racket?"

Author's Note

...yeah. Sorry about that long wait. In my defense, I have a good reason for taking so long. At least, I think it's a good reason.

...Lighting the Match

The Scout was at a loss for what to do. The robots had, somehow, made it into Equestria. He didn't think any of them recognized the threat for what it was, although Twilight seemed to be coming to that conclusion.

"What in the hay is that thing!?"

"I hope it's not disturbing the animals..."

"Scout," Twilight started, "what was it you said about those robots you fought?"

"Dey come in tanks like dat one." As the ponies conversed worriedly, the Scout tried to think of what to do. He would have to get by himself in order to talk to his teammates without anyone noticing, but that would look even more suspicious. What to do...

Oh, the hell with it. The Scout presses the button on his headset, calling up his team. "Yo, hardhat."

"What is it, Scout?"

The ponies looked at the Scout in confusion.

"We gotta problem. Dem robots are here."

"Well, damn. What do you want me to do?"

"Who is he talking to?" Rarity asked. Her friends just shrugged as the Scout continued talking. "I dunno, send some o' our team here."

"Why would we defend some alternate dimension?"

"Da bots are after Mann Co. If they're here, then they're looking for Mann Co. Since I was hired to crack some metal skulls, I plan to get my paycheck."

"Alrighty then. I'll see if I can get Spy and Heavy to go." There was a pause, before the Engineer came back. "Huh. I found Spy, but I didn't see Heavy or Medic anywhere. Can you do with just him?"

The Scout was too busy pondering to answer the question. If Medic and Heavy weren't at the base, then where else could they be...

The realization hit him like a crit wrench from a cornered Engineer. He turned to the ponies. "We gotta get back to my place."

"What- Why?! Who were you talking to?!" Twilight was both angry and confused. Mostly confused.

"Someone I know, now come on!" He turned to leave out the door, but Rainbow Dash stood in his way.

"Am I too late for the party?"

The others give greetings to the pegasus, but the Scout looks closer. There was something off about her...

Ah. Of course. "Come on, Spy, we ain't got time for this."

"Dash" sighed before being enveloped in a cloud of red smoke. When it cleared, a bipedal suited and masked figure was standing there. All of the ponies were shocked at the revelation. All of them, save for Twilight, whose eyes flashed with recognition. "You!"

"Yes, me, can we get past zis? I was told to assist my colleague, here, and I wish to do just that." He follows Scout out the door, the ponies right on their tail, Twilight trying (and failing) to get some answers from the Frenchman.

Before they could leave town and go back to the Scout's house, however, a loud boom of thunder broke through the air. All of the ponies and the two humans turned to look at the carrier tank. A thunderstorm was swirling around the antenna on top, and a loading ramp was ever-so-slightly opening.

"Aw, geez, already?"

"Well, no use staying here." The Spy cloaked while moving towards the tank, disappearing from sight. As the ponies looked for him, the Scout drew his scattergun and worked the lever, releasing an empty shell that he liked to keep in there for just such an occasion as this, in order to look cool.

"What's happenin'?" Applejack asked. "Why is that... thing... opening?"

"Ooh! Is it a party?!"

The Scout snorted in amusement. "Heh, it'll be a party, alright." He turned to Twilight. "Get all the ponies inside. This is gonna get fun." Before she could question him, the Scout ran towards the tank, as well, grinning with anticipation.

The ramp was now fully lowered, and a group of Pyro-bots walked out. The eight of them stood out in the open, confused by the scenery. Shuddering from their motors, they looked at each other, then back at the town, then back at each other, then back at the town. One of them, this one carrying a bomb on its back, shrugged and started walking forward, the others following him. Before they made any substantial progress, though, a blast of buckshot hit one square in the face, making it crumple into a pile of scrap metal and cash. They turned to the Bostonian offender, and began running forward while letting loose with their flamethrowers. This single-minded aggression hid the fact that a figure was uncloaking behind them, flicking a knife at the ready. The Spy had stabbed three of them before they all turned and looked at them. The timing couldn't have been worse, as the Spy ended up ineffectually stabbing into a robot's shoulder, lodging itself in. The starter flame of the bot's flamethrower was inches from his face.

"Oh merde."

And then they burned him to death.

The Scout had used this distraction to effortlessly dispatch the remaining robots. After he picked up the money, stepping nonchalantly around his teammate's burned corpse, he saw Twilight looking out from a window of her library, a look of total shock on her face.

"Did... Did he just... die?" she asked, the image of the French saboteur becoming kindling still fresh in her mind.

"Yep," the Scout answered casually. This surprised Twilight.

"Wha- How can you not care that your friend just died?!"

"He does that all the time. Give him a sec, he'll be right back."

As he ran off in preparation of more robots, Twilight's eye twitched. He had mentioned dying multiple times, but she thought he meant it metaphorically, not literally. Sure enough, the Spy uncloaked, leaning on the wall next to the window, smoking his trademark cigarette.

"He never was one for subtlety."

Twilight jumps at the voice, before she glares upon realizing who it was. "You're going to answer my questions, mister!"

Almost imperceptibly, a faint chuckling could be heard in the wind. "Hold zat thought." From behind one of the buildings, the Scout emerged. The Spy pulled out a large revolver, and took aim. Before Twilight could ask just what in the hay he was doing, he fired. But rather than the dead Scout she was expecting, she saw it suddenly change into a blue robot, that looked similar to the Spy and now sported a decent-sized hole in its head. With a dismissive "Hmmph," the Spy reloaded the spent bullet. "Amateurs..."

With that, the Spy flicked away his cigarette and cloaked. Twilight hit her head on the nearby wall in exasperation. Today was going to be a long day.

It took some restraining from Heavy, and a slight increase in the use of duct tape, but the Medic had finally subdued the now-awake pegasus. She was still fearing for her life, that much was obvious, but at least she wasn't screaming and flailing anymore. Still, that didn't mean she was silent.

"What the hay do you think you're doing!? Let me go!"

"Alright, fraulein, I'll just take zis medigun off of you und let you die from a notable lack of organs." He started to "turn off" the medigun, but Dash cracked.

"Wait, wait! Just..." She took a deep breath, despite missing her lungs. "...what are you going to do with me?"

"Simple, really." The Medic went searching for something amidst the cart. "I vas curious about you ponies, and I figure I might as vell take a specimen and examine them, inside und out." Finally, he seems to find what he was looking for. "Zere we go!..."

He stood back up, now holding a small device with spikes on one end, and a dial on the other. Picking up her heart, which was only slightly smaller than the average human heart, he noted, he stuck the device onto it, making Dash squirm slightly from the ensuing squelch. He held it under the medigun, which diverted some of the beams from the pony and into the organ.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Oh, just seeing if zis vill-" He is cut off by the heart exploding, covering the front of his operating vest in blood. A part of the heart hit the Heavy in the head, which he pulls off with no amusement. "...vork."

If her heart wasn't both out of her body and exploded, it would be racing. Before she could call the doctor out on his sub-par medical skills, he spoke again. "Don't vorry, this has happened before. Just ask Heavy."

The Russian in question nods. "Da. Happened to me, too. Is not pleasant, I admit."

The Medic scans through his mini-fridge, looking for a suitable replacement heart. Mega baboon heart? No, too big. Loch Ness hamster? Too small. Sandvich, liver, Spy head ("I thought I got rid of you." "Please do." "Later."), and even some beers. Then he saw another heart. He can't quite remember where it was from, but it was similar in size to the heart this pony had before, so it would have to do. He removes it, and sets it on the table for later. Instead, he jots down a few notes on a blood-speckled notebook, before turning to the pony. "Now, vould you mind telling me vhat zis is?" He holds up the two halves to the mystery organ, both of which pulse weakly. Upon seeing it, Dash gasped.

"You took out my faust gland?!"

"So zat's vhat zey're called. Anyvay, vhat do zey do?"

"They supply magic to the body by pulling it from the air, duh!" It didn't occur to her until after she said it that he probably wouldn't have known the purpose to the important organ. Trying to make up for that, she adds, "Ponies need them to survive."

"Vhere can I get another, zen?"

Dash hesitated. Would she really put other ponies in danger to satisfy this mad human's curiosity?

When he squeezed both parts of the gland, she panicked. "There are some stored at the Ponyville hospital!" she blurts out, before futilely trying to cover her mouth with her bound hooves.

Before the Medic could say something else, the sound of gunshots came from somewhere outside. "Heavy, go see vhat zat vas, will you?"

"Da." The large man leaves. Seconds later, he comes back. "I think Doctor needs to see this..."

Wondering what ever it could be that would warrant coming out of his current operating room, he goes upstairs and looks out the window. There, in the distance, was one of the robots' carrier tanks. "Those schweinehunds..." He turns to the Heavy. "Do you still have zat 'disguise' Soldier made for you?"

"Yes." He takes out a small pile of cardboard and aluminum tubing. The German is confused on why his comrade was holding on to it, but that did not matter now. Working quickly, he put on the pieces to the costume. While adjusting the head part, he said to the Heavy, "Make sure she doesn't escape, and that no one barges in."

"I will." His costume now complete, the Medic left for the town, practicing his "robot speak".

The situation was bad, sure, but it was more strange than anything. The robots kept trying to move a bomb to an undetermined point in the town, only to be stopped by the pair of humans who were protecting it. Oddly, when they met the occasional pony who was stuck outside, they simply ignored them, only paying them mind enough to go around them. This wasn't much of a problem, as the ponies who encountered the robots either ran as if their lives depended on it or sat there and cowered.

The humans, in the meantime, were making short work of the mechanical invaders. They had stepped up their game, but even a pair of giant Demomen went down eventually. Both the Scout and the Spy died a number of times, but they both just teleported in and went back into the fray. The Spy had heard commotions coming from the basement, but he paid it no mind. The Scout, meanwhile, had gotten into the habit of jumping straight out the window upon teleporting in, preventing him from hearing anything that might've been happening in his house.

The robots were moving the bomb closer and closer to the center of town, but it was slow progress. After all, the Scout and the Spy were the best ones for stopping the bomb's progress.

Amidst the battle, neither of them saw the very odd "robot" that was heading towards the hospital.

The Medic strolled right into the hospital's front doors. He, thankfully, hadn't had to speak to any robots, so he didn't have to see if his robot speak was accurate quite yet. There was a pony at the front desk who, despite the chaos outside, was still filling out paperwork calmly. Upon looking up, she's startled by the appearance of a... robot?

The "robot" shuffles forward with a decidedly non-robotic shuffling noise. "I vill need-" It clears its throat, before speaking again in a stiffer, more unnatural voice. "I will need one of your stored faust glands. Er, beep boop."

The pony, somehow, buys the act, as she goes into a back room and brings out a small container. Looking inside, the Medic saw the same organ he got out of the pegasus, along with some ice. Perfect.

"Danke. I will be leaving now. Boop beep." He shuffles back out in another non-robotic fashion. Once outside, he started running. If any robots saw him now, he didn't care; he got what he wanted. With this peculiar organ, he could potentially augment one of his mediguns, allowing him to give a teammate the power of... super-crits? Uber-crits?

He'd think of a name for them later.

As he arrived back at the house, he wasted no time in going back downstairs and slamming the door closed behind him. He placed the container on the cart, next to the organ he pulled from the pony. He picked up the latter and placed the two halves together before placing it under the beam. After a few moments, it had mended itself together like new. Dash stared at this wide-eyed.

"While I vould love to continue our little procedure," the Medic says, "I'm afraid ve vill have to cut zis short." He gets into position near the side of the pegasus. "Hold still, zis may sting a little."

Before she could ask what he was going to do that would sting, he shoved the gland roughly back into her body, making her scream in pain. Next were the lungs, which were handled slightly more carefully but it was still enough to make her cry out again.

Before he put the heart back in, the Medic attached the device from earlier to it and began adjusting things on it that Dash couldn't see.

"What are you doing?" Dash asked, worried that this heart would explode, too.

"Zis heart is more than likely not 'tuned', so to speak, to your body. I am making sure zat it will actually work for you. If I'm going to have a dead pony on my hands, it vill not be for medical negligence." The words both comfort and freak out the pegasus, who decides on a general feeling of unease.

His tinkering complete, the Medic holds the heart under the healing beam for a second, priming it, before plunging it painfully into position inside the pegasus. Once that was in place, he made sure that nothing unwanted fell inside her body (he learned that lesson the one time he had sealed Archimedes inside the Scout's chest) before he grabbed the medigun. Pulling it downward while flicking a couple of switches, he aimed it right at the pony's exposed guts, the beam intensifying as it seamlessly repaired the cut flesh. Dash watched in awe up to the moment that it was finished. The tape holding her hooves and wings down was removed, and she shakily got off the table. She felt like she had just finished taking a nap, as if nothing had even happened to her in the past hour or so.

Then she remembered that, hey, this human kidnapped her and cut her open, just to study her insides. She wanted to be angry, to yell and hit and kick, but she didn't want to go through that all of that again, so she did the next best thing:

She quickly flew, wordlessly, through the basement door, out the front door, and into the open air. And I do mean through; the door had been reduced to splinters. The Medic paid it no mind, however; he was focused entirely on the newly-acquired organ, and his trusty medigun. Namely, he was trying to find out how to apply the former upon the latter in a way that would allow him to not only have the standard Ubercharge, but to add Uber-crits (that seemed like a good name for now) to that, making the target of the charge into an unstoppable killing machine. The Heavy, meanwhile, simply listened to the fighting going on outside. He wanted to get out there and kill metal men, but he was hired to protect Mann Co., not some pony town. Besides, he still owed the Medic that favor from all those years ago...

Celestia silently wished her carriage drivers would fly faster. She had looked out the window towards Ponyville earlier, and saw that massive vehicle parked near the edge of it. At first, she didn't know what to think, but she decided to leave as soon as possible once she saw the thunderstorm swirling around it. Clouds don't just do that, unless there is a need for it.

The carriage stopped abruptly upon making contact with the ground. Celestia dismounted, just as a group of robots(?) that looked remarkably similar to Scout ran by, bats in the air. They simply ran around her, only to be taken out by a set of blasts from the genuine human's firearm. Chuckling, he started picking up all the money they dropped, before he noticed Celestia standing there. He jumped slightly upon seeing her.

"Woah, Celestia! When d'you get 'ere?"

"Just now." She looked around, seeing the town being ravaged by these...

No, wait, the town was mostly fine. Sure, there were burn marks from overenthusiastic Pyro-bots, and a few small craters and holes in buildings from Soldier- and Demo-bots, but other than that, the town itself was surprisingly untouched.

Regardless, robots were still running around. "Scout, what is the meaning of-"

"Hold dat thought, Celly." The Scout took out his baseball bat and tossed the ball in the air. "Yo, heads up!" With a thwack, he launched the ball to a lone Heavy-bot, which was stunned by the impact. Before the ball even hit its mark, the Scout took out a meat cleaver and chucked it at the robot. It sank deep into its head, making it fall into a pile of metal, motor oil, and cash. "And t' answer your question, we got bot trouble."

As he ran off in pursuit of more cash and more targets, a nearby window opened, followed by a familiar gasp. "Princess Celestia?!"

Celestia turned to see her faithful student leaning out of the window of a nearby building. Behind her, the princess could see the rest of the townsponies gathered together. "What are you doing here?" the unicorn continued her questioning.

"I saw that... thing... and decided to come here at once. What is going on?"

"I... I don't know... that machine just appeared out of nowhere earlier today, and Scout said that it belonged to those robots, and then him and his teammate started fighting them, and the two of them have died numerous times now..." She shook her head. "I just don't know anymore!"

Celestia rose an eyebrow at the mention of dying numerous times, but otherwise showed no reaction. Before she could say anything, the Scout came running up again. "Alright, they're thinnin' out for now, and Spy's got the rest of 'em handled, so I'm free t' talk for about a hundred seconds."

"Scout, what is this about 'dying numerous times'?"

"It's just respawn. Hurts like hell, but give or take a few seconds, and you'll be back on your feet, perfectly fine."

Celestia was about to question the human further, but a pony that had left the safe (despite the lack of attention from robots) haven of their home decided that now was a good time to tell everyone that those weird fire-shooting things were back in the forest, coming this way. This caused the Scout to tense up.

"Aw, jeez, not dem again."

"Who is 'them'?"

The Scout was the one to be interrupted now, this time by a barely-audible noise on the wind. When all those present listened more closely, it sounded a lot like manly yelling...

It was at this time that a Spy-bot uncloaked behind the Scout, poised to strike. Twilight was about to shout a warning, but the yelling was growing louder, until something fell right on top of the robot, pulverizing it and knocking the Scout off his feet. Once the dust from the impact cleared, they saw just what it was that had made an entrance. Standing in a newly-formed crater, was a muscular and shirtless man, who had decided to cut the shape of his country of origin into his chest hair. Also, he was wearing unusually tropical shorts, boots, a hat adorned with crocodile teeth, and nothing else.

For the first time in a long while, Celestia was truly speechless. "H-Hale?!"

"What the- Why is Hale here?! And how do you know 'im?"

"G'day, Tia. How has Luna been?"

Twilight, who had lost track of what even is anything anymore, simply passed out from the sheer confusion.

Author's Note

So, unrelated note: the episode aired. You know the one. As of this writing (that I'll be too lazy to change later), I have not seen it. Honestly, I don't really care what they did with it, as long as it puts an end to all this alicorn drama. I swear, some of you people hate change more than a successful Amish person.*

*Please disregard this if you didn't overreact profusely to the episode's main plot-point weeks back.

...Then Tripping Over the Gas Can

The Spy was about to backstab a Medic- and Heavy-bot when Hale landed. He was still disguised as a Spy-bot, so his hesitation didn't attract any attention from his targets. First, the robots show up, then Hale... What was next, a team of Pyros?

As if summoned by the Spy's inner thoughts, at that moment a group of nine RED Pyros, each adorned with a different hat, made their presence known by bellowing out muffled battle cries. This broke the robots out of their stupor, as the Heavy-bot began spinning up his barrel. Before a shot was fired, however, he was stabbed in the back, not even a second after the Medic-bot suffered the same fate. Picking up the cash they dropped, the Spy watched as what appeared to be the lead Pyro gave a thumbs up to the Frenchman before leading the others farther into town.

"Les choses que j'ai mis en place avec le travail..."

"So, mind tellin' me why you're 'ere, Scout?"

This wasn't the best situation to be in, truth be told. The Scout was hired to defend Mann Co. facilities from robots, and here he was, not at a Mann Co. facility. "Well, uh, ya see... I... um..." He looked to the remains of the Spy-bot. "...Robots! Yep, I knew dat the robots were 'ere, and I decided to come here t' crack some metal skulls! Yeah, that's it."

Hale looked closely at the Scout's face, trying to see if he was lying. The Scout was giving the worst pokerface in the history of faces, though that would be expected, given who he was lying to. Despite this, Hale didn't see anything wrong with the young man's story (or more likely, chose not to). "Alright then! I suppose I'll give you a hand, then." He turned to Celestia. "You just keep those ponies calm, Tia, and I'll handle the rest." He cracked his knuckles, before leaping towards the carrier tank with a mighty shout of his name. Now that she was out of Hale's natural mannly musk (Only $59.99 with any purchase of a Mann Co. licensed product!), Celestia was able to think just a little more clearly about the situation. Her subjects were under attack (though not exactly directly), so she needed to address that. She turned to tell Twilight to do something, but she was still out cold from sheer disbelief, so that just left the Scout, who was checking all his gear.

"Scout, could you do a favor for me?" she asked.

"Depends. What kinda favor?"

"Can you go around town and tell the ponies not to worry? I'd hate for them to cause a panic and make this situation worse than it already is."

"Gotcha." The Scout double jumped and pulled himself onto a rooftop-

-only to be bowled over by a rainbow blur. The both of them fall to the ground, reeling in pain. The pegasus is the first to recover, immediately going to the princess. "Princess! You would not believe what I just went through!"

"Calm down, Rainbow Dash. What happened?"

"Well, I was clearing some clouds, doing my job, then someone just shoots something into my flank and knocks me out! Then when I wake up, I see these two other humans, and one of them is looking at my heart, and did I mention I was freaking cut open?!"

Celestia's eyes went wide. "Who would do such a thing? And how did you escape?"

"Well, one of them had this funny accent- well, both of them did, but this one's was really weird, and he asked where he could get a faust gland after he cut mine out, then he left, and when he came back he... put me back together, I guess, and let me go."

"Sounds like Medic, alright," the Scout said as he was getting back up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta be a messenger boy." He took off running down the street as Dash kept telling Celestia about what had happened to her.

"*beep boop* Sir? We have a situation here."

"What is it now?"

"*boop beep* Hale has been spotted in the other dimension."

"What?! Really? This is troubling... Wait, I have an idea. You know the tank that's about to be deployed?"

"*badda boop* Yes sir?"

"Delay it and make some modifications to it."

"*beep beep boop, eh?* Yes sir."

With his message delivered to the townsponies, the Scout charged back into the fray. Not that he needed to; now that Hale was here, he was single-handedly destroying all of the robots. All that was left for the Scout to do was pick up the money that spilled onto the ground. He ran into the odd cloned Pyro, but they seemed to be friendly now, so he didn't pay them much mind, apart from the occasional "Thanks" when they airburst the fire off of him.

As Hale scrapped the last giant Soldier-bot in the area, the Scout looked around, not seeing any more robots that weren't in pieces. "Issat it?" he asked. "Dat all they got?"

As if in answer, a low fog horn could be heard in the distance. Coming from the carrier vessel was a tank, one of the more formidable of the robot units. Which was ironic, as it did absolutely nothing to protect itself.

Seeing the new arrival, Hale prepared to leap into the air. But before he lifted off, he got a good look at the incoming tank.

It had crude koala bears painted on the sides. Seeing this, Hale's fist wavered. The tank even stopped, as if unsure about what was happening.

For the first time in recorded history, Saxton Hale backed up.

"I- I can't harm a koala, even if it is just a bad drawing!" he yelled. "They're so cute and cuddly, yet at the same time incredibly vicious! And they're Australian, too!" With very sluggish movements, he sat down in front of a nearby wall, his national pride overriding his common sense. Seeing this, Celestia gasped: In all the time that she knew him, Hale was never one to back down from a fight (though he did mention he loved koalas at one point, but she thought nothing of it at the time).

The Scout was equally surprised, but he quickly shook it off. Just because Hale couldn't hurt a koala doesn't mean he couldn't. With the Pyros at his side, he charged towards the tank, scattergun at the ready.

Then a mecha-Engineer jumped on top of it, holding a toolbox. It set it down, and a level three sentry popped out, ready for action. The ten humans were gunned down with little fanfare. The robotic Texan let out an evil laugh as it slapped its knee.

The Spy, meanwhile, was getting into position to sap the new development. Just before he could, though, he felt a tap on his back. Turning around, he saw three Pyro-bots staring soullessly at him, flamethrowers at the ready.

"...fu-"

And then the Frenchman fried.

Celestia was at a loss for what to do. Hale was knocked too out of his spirits to fight, and both mercenaries (and the nine others that she had no clue about) were killed. This monstrosity was free to do whatever it was going to do.

"...What is it going to do, exactly?" Rainbow Dash asked from beside the princess.

"I'm not sure, but it can't be anything good..."

The tank drove to the middle of town, escorted by three Pyro-bots, and stopped. Then...

...nothing happened.

"*bleep bloop* Uh... sir?"

"What is it this time?"

"...There's no bomb hole here. *blarpa barp*"

"What do you mean, no bomb hole? If there are mercenaries defending it, then it must be a Mann Co. facility of some sort, and all Mann Co. facilities have a self-destruct bomb hole at the middle of them!"

"*bedeep* But there is none here, sir. They must have become smarter."

"Bah. Just... Set the bomb down, or something. Set it on a timer, I don't know. Just do something."

Now that it appeared to know what to do, the tank opened a hatch near the front and lifted a device out. It placed it above the ground, unscrewed it to mess with something inside, then resealed it and dropped it on the ground with a thud. A display on the side flicked to life, showing the numbers 5:00. It then began counting down.

Now Celestia was worried. Whatever that device was, it couldn't have been good. She'd more than likely have to get the Elements of Harmony in order to combat this threat, and if things got really bad, maybe she could even release Discord, if she's really desperate, or-

"EYAAAAAH!!"

Startled by the battle cry, the princess looked to the source of the noise. Standing in the middle of the road were two figures, one of which was holding a whirring device that was nearly half its size, and the other one holding a strange contraption that fed a red beam into the other figure. They got into range of the tank's sentry, but just as it began to fire, both figures were enveloped in a bright red glow, and the large one's weapon sparked and glowed bright purple. The sentry fired at the large human, but all the shots seemed to bounce off harmlessly. The human returned fire, reducing the sentry to scrap in an instant. The Engi- and Pyro-bots soon followed, leaving only the tank to take the full force of the charged bullets. Metal plating was quickly being ripped away, and soon the entire thing went up in a massive explosion. The bomb landed a few yards away, its timer just now reaching the 4:00 mark.

With his job done, and the ubercharge wearing off, the Heavy wiped his brow while slinging his minigun onto his back. Turning to the Medic behind him, he said "New charge is good."

"I thought it vould be," he replied, inspecting his newly-upgraded medigun. A glass chamber with tubes coming out of it had been added, which housed the faust gland he had somewhat-illegally acquired. It was rather shriveled up now, but it ever so slightly expanded as the gun kept healing the Russian.

Celestia approached the two humans, who turned at the sound of her hoofsteps. "Are you the one that dissected one of my subjects?" she asked sternly.

The Medic chuckled nervously. "Vell, you see, it vas all in ze name of science..."

"Did you ask them if they would be okay with it? Or did you just kidnap them and begin operating?"

"Now, 'kidnap' is such a strong vord..."

"Doctor and princess pony should stop arguing," the Heavy interrupted, pointing to the bomb, which had now ticked down to three and a half minutes. "Bomb will not solve self."

Both of them knew that he was right. Walking over to it, they tried to figure out how to deactivate it. The Heavy tried moving it, but it was too heavy even for him to budge it. The Medic tried cutting it open, to get at its inner workings, but the casing was too sturdy. And Celestia's attempt at magically teleporting it away only chopped a minute off the clock for some reason.

With only a minute left, Celestia was beginning to think of alternate plans. "We need to evacuate the town, now. Can either of you get the ponies to move?"

Before she got an answer, a mighty voice bellowed a battle cry before Hale jumped out of nowhere and punted the bomb out of town, into the middle of a wide, empty field.

"Saxton?" Celestia said in disbelief. "You're better now?"

"Yep! I regained me confidence, and now I'm ready to kick some tin cans!"

"...you do know ze carrier tank vas ze ozzer vay, right?"

"I know." At that moment, the bomb went off, creating a giant crater in the middle of the field. Not paying any mind to Celestia's gawking, Hale pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number. After it rang a few times, he got an answer.

"It's your boss, Bidwell. Are the mercs inside the building?... Well, sorry to wake you, then, but I don't pay you to sleep. You remember that prototype teleporter, and how it has that 'entire building' setting?... I do mean it, Bidwell. Just set it to teleport to where my phone is." With that, he threw his phone with great force into the center of the new crater (which was quite a feat, since it was nearly a hundred yards away). At first, nothing happened, but then a light began shining above the crater. It grew brighter and brighter, until a large building suddenly appeared and plopped down into place inside the crater. Pulling out yet another phone, Hale dialed the exact same number before putting it up to his ear.

"Nice work, Bidwell. Now, those guns I told you to install are there now, right?... And you see the robot tank, correct?... Then I shouldn't have to tell you what to do."

On the building, a large number of hatches opened up, where large cannons emerged. They all pointed to the carrier tank on the other side of Ponyville, then opened fire.

Shot after shot landed on the tank, until it was nothing but a huge flaming pile of scrap.

"Hey, what did I miss, cause I accidentally got lost on mah way here," the Scout said, walking up to the assembled humans and pony. "Hey, is that the-"

He was cut off by a piece of the tank landing on him, crushing him.

Hale gave a hearty laugh. "Oh, and I should 'f told ya, Tia. I decided to move the Mann Co. headquarters to here, in Equestria."

Celestia followed her student's example and fainted.

Author's Note

Wanna know why this took so damn long?

In no particular order, I blame:
New versions of Brutal Doom coming out.
Killing Floor.
School.
"Whose Line is it Anyway?" reruns.
And other such things.
Ironically, TF2 wasn't very high on the list of distractions.

And They Lived Confusedly Ever After

A figure emerged from the doors of the newly relocated building, holding a bottle in its hand and staggering. It began walking into the nearby town while mumbling about something or other. As the figure stumbled towards the center of town, it stopped when it spotted a group of what looked like small colorful horses. The cyclops looked at his bottle, before shrugging and taking a deep swig from it.

And then he passed out.

Now that Mann Co. had moved its headquarters to Equestria, they had begun operations for new branches of items to sell to ~~suckers~~ customers. While weapons didn't have much of a market, partially due to Celestia refusing the sale of them in her country, hats and other cosmetic products sold like hot-cakes, to the slight dismay of a certain white unicorn. Grey Mann and his robot army never attacked Equestria again, though he still attacked Mann Co. installations back on Earth. Because of this, the mercenaries found themselves teleporting from Equestria, where they now spent most of their off time, and Earth, where they continued to murder machines for fun and profit.

And what have the mercs been doing in Equestria?

The Scout had taken up a part-time job as a delivery boy, well-known for being both fast and (mostly) discreet. He was still killed by the wildlife regularly, however, and on one occasion the Leprechaun Mafia caught up with him. He's hoping that, eventually, everything will realize how awesome he is and stop frickin' killing him.

The Spy regularly mingled among the population, though not as himself. Now that he wasn't exactly trapped here, he seemed to be somewhat enjoying the casual friendly interaction. That said, he doesn't hesitate to backstab those buffoons he must call teammates when they're being exceptionally dumb or intolerable. Also, he seems to find a new hat every other week, much to the mirth of his colleagues.

The Medic had found himself in a very interesting position. He was actually allowed to dissect a unicorn to further his research, but with one condition: that unicorn (who shall remain nameless and purple) also got to dissect him, as well. There are now a total of two beings who can say they have seen the act of double-mutual-surgery while it was still in progress. As for his new medi-gun, he was saddened to find that the Uber-crits only work while in Equestria, due to the ample supply of magic in the air. Attempts at strapping the Bombinomicon to the medi-gun have all proved fruitless (and explosive).

The Heavy mostly stayed to himself, though he did seem to enjoy the presence of the ponies somewhat, if only because they reminded him of happier times. The Cutie Mark Crusaders, in particular, left a mark on the giant Russian's heart. They actually made him a hat one time, though the results were less than pretty (and it was actually quite flammable). Despite this, he gave them five-hundred thousand U.S. dollars when they started sniffling from the failure.

The Pyro and his Merry Band of Clones continued to be unintelligible and continued to burn things. Thankfully, they had controlled their urges to burn every piece of wood they saw, and they also got over their inexplicable fear of ponies. Together, they started a part-time business for chopping and/or burning things that needed to be chopped and/or burned, which was decently successful. They also formed a dance troupe.

The Demoman was still drunk.

The Engineer got himself a house just outside Ponyville, where he started drawing on inspirations from the populace for new ideas for machines. While nothing groundbreaking has been made yet, he did manage to invent a toaster that would automatically apply butter to toast, complete with adjustable slider. After all, "sometimes, you just need a li'l less butter."

The Soldier didn't really adjust well to life in Equestria. Not one moment after he found out about his new living arrangements, he had opened fire on a pony for asking where "America" was. Thankfully, his teammates had seen fit to replace his normal launcher with the Rocket Jumper, so all that happened was nothing and a pony nearly suffering a heart attack. After that, he marched a small distance into the Everfree Forest and set up a camp-slash-base, which he tactfully named "New America", complete with flag. He only left when he was needed for another job of robot smashing.

The Sniper also kept to himself, mostly. He was asked to be a guest speaker for the local school once, since he was one of the only mercenaries that was both sane and available at the time, but Ms. Cheerilee changed her mind once she learned of many things about the Australian, including (but not limited to) the nature of his job, the fact that he seemed to admire knives just a bit too much, and his bathroom habits.

As for the ponies...

Twilight Sparkle began working with the Medic in order to help further both of their scientific agendas. This totally did not entail the two of them dissecting each other. Nope. Not at all. On another subject, she still had not been able to pin down the Spy for questions/ranting at, but she kept looking for him, not knowing that he was almost literally right under her nose quite a lot of times.

Rarity didn't really enjoy the new competition from Mann Co., though she was relieved when she found out that they only made hats. Despite this, she continually made hats of her own, hoping to sway ponies into buying her head wear items. However, she didn't have much luck in this respect, and it didn't help that every other week, a hat she was working on would mysteriously disappear...

Rainbow Dash adapted fairly well to her new heart. In fact, she only remembered that when she was asked about how it was doing by the Medic one day. To this day, she now has a fear of both doctors and people with German accents. She also no longer had to bother the Scout for cans of that energy drink, as she could now buy them by the dozen from Mann Co. An intervention was staged by her friends, and she eventually kicked the habit. Also, she was banned from buying any more from the stores, as she was running their stocks dry.

Pinkie Pie threw a big party for the arrival of both Mann Co. and the mercs, but it quickly went downhill when the Soldier and the Demoman got into an argument over whether or not rocket jumping was invented by Abraham Lincoln (for the record, it was). Pinkie still throws parties for the team occasionally. The Pyros, in particular, seem to like the parties the most, which is odd, considering their fear of ponies.

Fluttershy personally didn't like the mercs' line of work, or the stories they would tell about how they had won against the robots this time, but she remained quiet about her opinions. The Medic also frightened her, mostly because she happened to walk in on him and Twilight having a rather heart-to-heart talk in her basement/lab.

Applejack still sold apples. She suspected the Spy of stealing a few of the fruits, but she had no proof, even though he definitely made sure she knew it was him ("This is Applejack! Pears make me cry! Over!"). She also stumbled in on the Medic and Twilight dissecting each other, so there's that.

Lyra was excited at all the new humans who had shown up, and she even convinced Twilight to let her be the first pony to read the book on human anatomy she was writing. She also got the Heavy to give her a book on human world history (written by him, no less), but it was in Russian.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders began a new wave of hair-brained schemes to get their cutie marks. Among the attempted tasks were helping the Engineer build things (they managed to make a single bolt fall apart), being a doctor like the Medic used to legally be (they managed to make an apple flatline before they even started cutting), and making sandviches like the Heavy (this happened).

As for Saxton Hale, he decided to take on Equestria's wildlife in his quest to kill at least one specimen of every animal ever. As of now, he's somewhere deep in the Everfree, beating a cockatrice in a staring contest. Rumor has it that he makes pelts of the animals he kills with his bare hands, of course, which he then sends to Celestia as reminders that no, he isn't dead, stop worrying about him.

And they all lived... something something something.

THE AND

Author's Note

Welp.
...that's it. Show's over. Go home now. All of you.

...

Rainbow Dash leveled out her flight path, aiming for the barracks right next to the Mann Co. HQ. It was time for her monthly check-up with Medic in order to make sure her heart was still in working order.

After performing a simple dive through an open window, Dash paused for applause from an imaginary audience.

"You don't have to be so flashy, you know," a voice said.

Dash dropped her pose and rolled her eyes. "If you got it, flaunt it, right?"

Spy shrugged as he lit another cigarette. "Medic's in there right now. Go ahead."

Nodding, Dash walked through the door right next to Spy, entering into the sick bay/experimentation room. There, she saw Medic turned away from her, leaning over some sort of device on his desk.

He turned around at the sound of her hooves on the floor. "Ah, Fraulein Dash, right on time."

She nodded. "Whatcha got going on there, doc?"

Medic stepped away from his desk, revealing a device that looked a lot like the team's teleporters, but also slightly different, with all manner of tubes, gauges, and other readouts attached to it. Dash had seen the device many times during her check-ups, but this was the first time it seemed to be turned on.

"Zis is a little... pet project me and Engineer have been vorking on. You see, we reached your vorld due to some odd circumstances with our teleporter. So, we decided that we could reach other dimensions with it, as vell, if we fine-tuned it enough."

Dash quirked her head. "Well, is it working, then?"

"Ha, actually, it has been vorking for quite some time! Not only that, but I've made contact with someone else who was working on ze same thing!"

"Really now?" Despite her normal avoidance of anything technological, besides her heart, she found herself getting somewhat interested.

"Ja, and, somehow, zey are German, too!"

At that moment, the teleporter fired up, and a single letter appeared in a flash of light. Medic almost shouted with glee.

"Oh, his letter is here!"

Dash cocked an eyebrow. "What now?"

"Vell, me and zis other German have been trading notes on various things for ze past few months, and I had just sent him a letter a few days ago!"

"So... you two are like pen pals?"

Medic raised a finger to refute her point, before lowering it slowly. "...you know, yes, we are."

Shrugging, Medic tore open the letter, and began to read. Dash tried to read over his shoulder, only to see that it was written in German.

After a few seconds of silence, Medic laughed. "Oh, excellent!"

"What? What did it say?"

"He said that, not only does he appreciate my diagrams of pegasus anatomy," he coughed slightly at Dash's glare, "but he vas finally able to perfect his own dimensional teleporter, and is going to visit us in person within the week!"

"Is that... a good idea?"

"I have no clue. But, as he says, he 'looks forward to furthering science together, and to bring mankind even further.' Oh, I like ze way he thinks!"

As Medic folded the paper and set it on his desk, Dash noticed something. "Hey, what's that on the back?"

Medic looked, before letting out a short chuckle. "Oh, zat's just the stationary he writes on. Apparently he's part of some company, so he says."

He didn't stop Dash from looking at the back of the letter for herself, which held an odd looking logo of some kind.

As Medic started getting his equipment set up for the pegasus, he couldn't help but chuckle. "Fascinating times, we live in..."

Dash got up onto the operating table, slightly uneasy. "I still have a bad feeling about this."

"Oh, don't vorry. Vhat's ze worst zat can happen?"

[/!] WAVE INCOMING [/!]

Author's Note

TIME FOR A NEW EXPERIMENT
~~LET'S TRY GAS~~

Explanations, Complications, and Fornicatio- Wait, no

When the Scout came to, he found himself in a barn, tied up. At first, he thought he was having one of those days, but he then remembered the day's events:

The Medic needing subjects.

Him getting the losing hand.

Falling.

Lion scorpion bat thing.

Dead.

More falling.

Apples.

Chase.

Barrels.

...Quite frankly, if it weren't for everything that had happened to him before, the Scout would easily believe that this was all some kind of fever dream. As it were, though, he was tied up in a barn. Judging from the voices outside, the ponies were discussing what to do with him, the consensus being that they wait for someone called "Twilight".

"Ah hell no," he said to himself. "I ain't gettin' handed off to no crappy book." Drawing on years of experience from living with eight older brothers, the Scout soon untied one of his hands, followed by the rest of his limbs. While the ponies talked outside the door, he went to the far end and turned on his headset.

"Hey, Spy?" he whispered. "I need a li'l help, here."

"Oh, so now you need my help!"

"Just shut yer trap and listen! I went to some apple farm-"

"You mean Sweet Apple Acres?"

"Yeah, whatever, anyway, I go there, just to eat an apple or two, and some pony broad comes in and chases me off!"

"Yes, ze apple pony was quite protective of her orchard."

"And then, this flyin' horse-"

"Pegasus."

"Whatever, this pegasus just swoops in, and chases after me. I dodge 'er easily, cause I'm just that good, o' course, but then I... Er, I was caught off guard."

"You fell, didn't you?"

"....yes."

"And let me guess: you were hog-tied, locked in the barn, and now they're talking about what to do with you?"

"...yes, actually, how did you-"

"You don't live in Hell for months and not pick up on ze mannerisms of ze demons, my friend."

The Scout sighed. "Right, so, what da hell do I do?"

"Well, if I'm right, they should-" The Spy was cut off by the Medic yelling at him. They both argued for a moment, before the Spy got back on the line. "Apologies. Ze doctor wanted to know why I was not helping them fight."

"Wait, the robots are attackin' now?"

"Yes, but it's a tank, so there's little I can do. Anyway, they will more than likely turn you over to ze one called Twilight Sparkle. She was the one I used to get here, and also ze most important one to become allies with, for ze Medic's morbid curiosity to be sated."

The Scout heard the talking outside die down a bit, and he lowered his own voice accordingly. "Alright, and how do I do that?"

"Simple. You must play ze role of ze lost traveler, with no memory over how you got here. Keep your earpiece on, so I'll be able to listen in and tell you what to say, accordingly."

"Seems good enough. But what if-" The Scout suddenly became aware of a third voice outside, which was greeted by a "Hey, Twi" from the other two ponies.

"Aw, crap, she's here."

"Remember: You are ze lost traveler. You have no memory." The radio went silent, although the Scout figured that the Spy was still listening, like he said he would be.

"While that does sound unusual, I doubt it's anything serious, girls," the voice of the one he presumed to be Twilight rang out from outside the barn door.

It was then that the Scout realized that he should be tied up.

Thinking quickly, he hopped up to the rafters, staying out of sight. Soon after, the giant doors swung open, and the two ponies from earlier, plus an added purple unicorn, walked inside. The moment they saw that the ropes weren't being used to contain the creature they saw, all of their jaws hit the floor.

"What the- Where did he go?!"

"Where the hay could he be? Ah tied him up and everythin'!"

"Now, girls, I'm sure there's a logical explanation..." As the three ponies talked, the Spy's voice cut into the Scout's headset.

"Feel free to run away, so you can meet zem on better terms."

Taking this advice, the Scout silently crept above the ponies, as they looked all over the barn. Thankfully, they never thought to look up, and the rainbow one never thought to fly up. Chuckling internally, the Scout finally arrived at a small window in the wall. Just a few more steps, and-

*creak*

It was a small noise, but it was enough to catch the ponies attention. They all looked up, right at the Scout, who was just about to climb out the window.

"There he is!" the rainbow one shouted, before flying towards him.

"Aw, crap." Wasting no time, he dove out the window, landing in some hay. It was actually not a soft landing at all, despite what certain forms of media might tell you. Despite this, the Scout immediately jumped to his feet and broke into a sprint. The blue pegasus was behind him in no time.

"Don't make me knock you out again!" she called after him.

"Not this time, rainbow brite!" He jumped in the air before jumping again straight up, killing his forward movement and causing the speeding pegasus to fly right under the human. Shocked, she started stopping herself and turning around, but was met with a baseball to the cranium.

"Home frickin' run!" the Scout taunted, as he ran by the dazed pony and grabbed the launched baseball. He put more distance between himself and the dazed pony, before a rope found its way around his midsection.

"Got ya now!" the orange one said through a mouthful of rope.

"Nope!" The Scout used his momentum to pull the pony off her hooves, then swing her around him, her teeth still tightly clenching the rope. After a few swings around, the Scout fished out his pocket pistol, then shot it at the rope around him. The bullet severed the line, making the pony go flying into somewhere or other. Where, he didn't care, as long as it wasn't here.

Now with two ponies down, the Scout started to run again-

Just as he was locked in place, surrounded by a purple glow.

"Oh come on!" he complained. "That ain't fair!"

"You were caught, weren't you? Just remember- No memory."

Looking behind him, he saw the unicorn's horn glowing a similar shade of purple. Her eyes closed, and a faint smile on her lips, she spoke. "Now, we may have gotten off on the wrong hoof, here, but I'm sure we can put this all behind us and be the best of-" She opened her eyes, and her words died in her throat as she saw what she had caught.

Her mind flashed back to only a few weeks ago:

Lyra, with a sudden interest in creatures called humans.

Nights spent studying.

A sudden decision to go to the human world.

Lyra turning out to be anything but Lyra.

Robots fighting a group of humans.

Her mind lingered on the group of humans she saw that day. She had assumed that it was simply a dream, after which she and the real Lyra made an attempt to go to the human world (which failed).

But now that one of the things that she saw in that "dream" was right in front of her...

"You." The single word was laced with so much venom, so much contempt, that the human and two ponies present all shook in their metaphorical tiny boots.

"...This might be a problem," the Spy chimed in on the Scout's headset.

"Uh..." The Scout was scrambling for something to say. "Whatever it is I did, I didn't do it."

Dreams of Cruelty...?

"What's this?" you're probably asking. "Where's the chapter? What's with the two blank chapters ahead of this one? And why is the author reading my thoughts?" Well, dear reader, first let me say that I am shocked and appalled at your browser history. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now to answer your question, let me ask this:
What's that over there?

Why, it's a crate! And I happen to have a key right here, so we open that, and...

"Pyrovision goggles?" you're probably saying. "But you can't get those out of crates!"

Well, you're right, but I am not Valve, yes? Anyway, what could this mean?
Simple, my loyal reader. The next chapter will be presented in both normal, boring reality, and Pyrovision!TM
The same things will happen regardless, and future chapters will not be in Pyrovision, sadly, nor will you be able to read other stories with the goggles.

So, reader of mine, what will it be?

I don't need no stinkin' goggles!
OR
I want the goggles! I WANT 'EM!