GOD DAMN PONIES (not a trollfic or hate)

by topmaster8

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 2610

Richard McCowsky is sent to Equestria after his new house maid slips some cyanide into his cereal. I put effort into this. Don't worry, be happy.

16 year old brony hater Richard McCowsky was having a great day, until his new house maid slips some cyanide into his cereal, and then he somehow magically ends up in Equestria. Hilarity ensues.

I put effort into this. Don't worry, be happy.

(rated teen for some cursing)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-20 20:10:36 UTC

Chapter 2

Chapter 2: GOD DAMN PONIES

  Granny Smith was enjoying an afternoon on her rocking chair. The Sun in the sky was high, Applejack and Big Macintosh where working in the fields, and Apple Bloom was off with her friends. Finally, she could enjoy some peace and quiet. Just when her eyes closed for a 3 hour nap, a sonic boom like noise could be heard. This caused Granny Smith to jump up and scuttle outside to tell Applejack to tell a certain rainbow-haired pegasus to go fly somewhere else, so she could sleep. But when she got outside, there was a crater near the barn with a weird monkey-like thing laying face first in the middle.

  Applejack, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom where already surrounding the crater, asking the same question Granny Smith was asking herself. What is that thing? "Granny, do yah have any idea what that thing is?" asked Applejack. Granny Smith looked at the odd thing, crouched down, poked it, poked it again, and then stood back up. "Well ah don' know, mehbe it's some sort o' new monkey species thing er somethin', because ah haven't seen anything like it...." Granny Smith muttered in confusement.

                                                     Just then, the odd monkey thing opened its eyes, slowly.

   Richard felt like he hit the ground at speeds greater than 800 miles per hour. His head hurt like hell, and he didn't feel like getting up anytime soon because of the pain, but to his misfortune, he opened his eyes. Then he saw the ponies. "What the fuck is this?" he said, not realizing where he was. "What the hell are you?" he asked Granny Smith. "Ah'm a po-"

"PONY?!" "Well, ye-" "A FUCKING PONY?" "Ye-" "I'M IN FUCKING MY LITTLE PONY!" Then poor Richard passed out, mostly out of hatred, shock, and confusion. "He owns a pony?" said Applejack.

  Granny Smith was wondering what the hell just happened. The same goes on for rest of the southern family. Since they assumed he passed out, they put him in the guest room they had, and put him on the bed. About 2 hours later, it was supper time and Richard was just waking up. "Oh man... I had the craziest dream..." Richard muttered, closing his eyes and rubbing his head. "What was it about?" Granny Smith asked. Not knowing it was Granny Smith ( a pony ) and thinking it was his grandma. Still oblivious, Richard said "I had a dream about these.... ponies..." "Well, it wasn't no dream." Granny Smith said, smiling. Just then, Richard opened his eyes in realization.  "What the fu-" "You woke up just in tah'm fer supper! We're havin' mashed taters, green beans, biscuits, and apple pie!" Richard was hungry, and he forgot that he was in magical pony land. "Apple pie you say?" Richard said. "Yesserie!" said ol' Granny Smith. Then Granny led Richard the the dining room.

   What Richard saw was beautiful. There was a lot more than what Granny Smith had said there was, and Richard probably completely forgot what world he was in. He then ignored everyone and chowed down, without a care in the world. Several moments later, he was done chowing down, just as everyone stared at him. "Well Ah'll be! I ain't seen nopony eat that fast before!" Granny Smith said, chuckling. "Yeah, your right Granny, I ain't seen nopony eat that fast before, too!" Applejack added. "Eeyup." said Big Mac. "Do it again! Do it again!" piped up Applebloom. Richard then snapped out of his hungry daze. He realized he was making... (pause for a moment, let the drama sink in....) FRIENDS.... WITH FUCKING MY LITTLE PONIES!

Chapter 3

Chapter 3: GOD DAMN PONIES

   "Well, looks like we haven't properly introduced ourselves!" said Granny Smith. "Ah'm Granny Smith!" "Ah'm Applejack, nice ta meet ya." "Eey- uh, Ah'm Big Macintosh, ya'll can just call me Big Mac." "Ah'm Applebloom!" and then Applebloom summoned a whole sea full of questions toward poor Richard. "WheredidyoucomefromohhowoldareyouwouldyouliketomeetmyfriendshowtallareyouyouaretallerthanbigmacohcanIbeyourfriend-"  "What?" said Richard, confused. "Sorry, lil' Applebloom gets mighty excited whenever she meets someone new.. or interesting, for that matter." Applejack said. "What are you?" She asked. "You're a pony." "Yes, I am but what are you-" "A pony." "Ye-" "A FUCKING. PONY." Richard remembered. He hated My little pony: friendship is magic. Then poor Richard wanted to get out of there. Richard got up out of his seat, and somehow ran through their wall, making everypony in the room cringe, thinking he got hurt. Instead of seeing a bloody Richard McCowsky on the ground with a bloody forehead, they saw a hole shaped like a human on their wall. Richard was trying (and failing) to get home. The Apple family just sat there confused. They sat there for 10 seconds, but it seemed that it lasted for 10 minutes.

      Then suddenly, out of the blue Applebloom asked "What does fuck mean?"

           Everypony else just stared at her for a few seconds. Then Granny Smith smacked Applebloom upside the head.

  Richard went a long ways after a minute or two, (about 2-3 kilometers) and he was reaching the marketplace of Ponyville.

"I want my XBOX 360, I want my HDTV, I wanna go home!" Richard said to himself. It wasn't night yet (about an hour left of sunlight) , so ponies where still outside in the marketplace. Richard was running really fast, and seeing more ponies just made him angrier. Everypony outside was staring at him. Then Richard suddenly stopped. He looked at the ponies. The ponies looked at him. He started to look angry. The ponies started to look scared. He said "I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" The ponies said "AAAAAAAAAAH!" and then they ran all over the place. Meanwhile, a certain magical pony was in the marketplace.

  Twilight Sparkle was in the marketplace looking for some new supplies. Just when she got to the right shop the door suddenly closed and the sign that was on it flipped from "OPEN" to "SORRY, WE'RE CLOSED." Twilight stood there confused. She was pretty sure she didn't do anything bad or wrong, last time she checked. Then she heard lots and lots of hoofsteps coming her way. This caused her to yell "What is going on?!" and then everypony that was running stopped, turned around, and pointed at Richard. Then they resumed their running and screaming. When everypony was out of site, Twilight was even more confused. Then she looked at Richard. Richard, however, was still steaming mad.

"Oh my, I haven't seen a creature like you before, what are you?" Twilight asked, somehow oblivious to the fact that Richard was angry (and possibly going to kill her, or try to). "You are a pony." Richard stated, still in his mad craze. "Wait, you sp-" "YOU'RE A PONY." "Ye-" "I HATE MOTHERFUCKING PONIES!"  Richard started to sprint at a confused Twilight sparkle, and Twilight looked even more confused. Then somehow, out of nowhere, Rainbow Dash said "Lookout!" Twilight just stood there. Rainbow Dash tackled Richard, and then hogtied him. The force of Rainbow's tackle made him get knocked out, pretty easily. "Thanks, Rainbow." Twilight said. "No problem. Good thing I was nearby, or I think you might have been dead meat!" Rainbow Dash said, whilst doing a loop. "We better bring him inside the library and do some questioning on him... bring the rest of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony!" Twilight commanded. "On it!" said Rainbow Dash, just as she took off.

Chapter 4 (now longer chapters!)

Chapter 4: GOD DAMN PONIES

  Richard woke up in what looked like to him a library, noticing he was tied up. He was also in sort of a spotlight, the rest of the room dark. "Where the hell am I?" Richard said to himself a little too loudly. "You're in my library, and I'm going to ask you a few questions.." Twilight Sparkle said, causing Richard to jump. "I'm not talking to a fucking pony!" Richard barked. Just then, the rest of the mane six walked out from the darkness, with angry and confused looks. "You broke mah wall!" Applejack said, fuming. "You tried to kill us!" Rainbow Dash said, very blatantly. Rainbow then started to fly towards poor Richard, about to kick his ass for attempting to (probably not, knowing how weak Richard is) kill her friend. Applejack stopped her by biting her tail to hold her back, while Rainbow was swinging her hooves to try and beat up Richard.

  "Hold yer horses Rainbow, let me kick his rump first!" Applejack said while throwing Rainbow to the side, charging at Richard.

  Twilight then got sick of their bickering, so she grabbed them both magically and set them aside. This caused them to get the message to calm their horse tits down (I think). "Um.. I think we could maybe solve this in a non violent way?" Fluttershy said, in a shy manner. Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked at her as if she where crazy.

"Everyone stop your bickering!" Twilight yelled. This caused everyone to shut up. "Okay, now to the questions; what are you? Some deformed ape?" Twilight asked (and insulted a little, too). "I'm a human." Richard stated. "Human? Never heard of it."

"Of course you haven't, you're JUST A FUCKING FICTIONAL CARTOON THAT I HATE." Richard said.

"Cartoon? Fictional?"

Then there was an awkward silence. So silent that...... it was so silent.

"Please explain, because this is the real world and you're more like the cartoon. You're a talking monkey." Twilight said.

"Well fuck you, let me explain some bullshit."

  Then Richard explained how there where these "bronies" and how he hated them and the "My little pony: Friendship is Magic" TV show. He also told them that there where millions of fans watching them, and told how much of the porn he saw of them. Fan fictions. Fan art. He was disgusted my the mere thought of MY LITTLE PONY.

"I'm famous!" Rainbow Dash said, proud of herself. "Erm... they have porn made of us?" said Rarity, about to pass out of disgust. "I'm sure the readers will find this amusing!" Pinkie Pie piped. Everyone in the roomed just dismissed it as Pinkie being Pinkie. Twilight was just confused and amazed at the thought of this "TV." Fluttershy was frightened at the thought of porn being made of her. Applejack liked the idea of fan art.

"Can you untie me now? My back hurts." Richard said, finally accepting the fact that he was in a cartoon world of fucking ponies. No internet. No TV. No XBOX. This will be terrible for Richard.

"I guess you can stay here for the night... there will be more questions tomorrow. SPIKE! Go show him to the guest room!" Twilight said.

"I'm on it I'm on it!" Spike said.

  MEANWHILE, AT A DIFFERENT LOCATION IN PONYVILLE.

A very tall and buff man with a mustache that is totally awesome was laying out in the outskirts of Ponyville, passed out.

This man's name is Edmund Flex. This guy is a badass brony. He is 32 years old, and is bald. He wears a Pinkie Pie shirt most of the time, but sometimes he just puts on a tank top. He is easily 6'5, and can lift a car like a toothpick. His voice sounds sort of like Saxton Hale's, but even more awesome.

"Gah, must 'ave gotten drunk again.... maybe some lil' bugger slipped some alcohol in my drink."

Edmund looked around, examining his surroundings. "The hell? Am I in some weird medieval fair or somethin'?" Edward said, confused.

Edmund started to walk towards the town.

  Richard was in the guest room. It was dark out, so he decided to get some sleep. He wished this nightmare would end. Then again, the ponies are nice. At least he thinks so. He still hates bronies and My Little Pony.

  Morning came, as then Richard was smelling something like grass... that was cooking? He then got out of the shitty bed (by his terms) and walked towards to where the weird smell came from.

He saw Twilight, and asked "What is that SMELL?" "We're having hay bacon for breakfast!" "Bacon?" Richard asked. "Ye-" "Holy shit, I WANT BACON!" Richard piped up, thinking that it could only get better. Twilight said that the "bacon" would be done in a few minutes. So, Richard grabbed one of the books that was on the shelf in the room he was in. "A FOREIGNER'S GUIDE TO EQUESTRIA" the book title read. Richard hated reading, he thought he was too "cool" to read. But, it was really the only thing to do, so he read it.

"HAY BACON IS DONE!" Twilight hollered at Richard.

"Coming!" Richard said.

Richard sat down at the table, without looking at the "bacon" he was about to eat it, but then Twilight interrupted and then asked; "Oh, I forgot. What is your name?"

"Richard McCowsky"

"Hello Richard, I am Twilight Sparkle."

"What ever."

Then Richard took a bite from the "bacon."

"THIS TASTES LIKE DOG SHIT!"

Chapter 1: Prologue

Chapter 1: GOD DAMN PONIES

  16 year old Richard McCowsky is your typical brony hater. He basically hates bronies, and all that "My Little Pony" shit. Everywhere he goes, there is always a brony  around the corner. It seems his town is basically filled with bronies. Oh, how he loathed bronies.

  Richard is around 5 and a half feet long, average weight, brown hair, likes to wear mostly green, is a hardcore gamer, and an only child. He also hates Nintendo because of their Wii, because it has "shitty" graphics. His parents are rich, too. He practically lives in a house the size of two super markets stacked on top of eachother.

But today was different. His Youtube inbox had no brony crap in his inbox, his email was brony spam free, no annoying bronies on Xbox LIVE annoying him, so today felt especially good. He then proceeded to go to the kitchen.

"This day is bound to be great... finally some peace and quiet from all that brony shit.." muttered Richard. As he walked to the kitchen, he swore he saw a bottle that looked suspicious in the hands of his new house maid. Just so you know, his parents where tired of him not cleaning after himself for the 1000th time, and that's why they have a house maid. So there you go. Anyways, he walked into the kitchen and got some cereal, put it in a bowl, and poured milk in it. But then he had that sudden need to piss......

"God dammit, cereal I'll be back!" he said to himself.

Just as he darted out of the room to piss, the new house maid walked in with a smirk on her face.

"THIS will get those McCowskys for underpaying me for the 10th time.... muahahaha..." the maid said. Then she poured the bottle's contents into the bowl of cereal, thinking it was for Mr.McCowsky. Oh how wrong she was. The maid then walked out of the room.

Just then, Richard got back from a much-needed piss. He picked up the cereal bowl, headed to the living room, and then turned on his 120 inch flatscreen HDTV. He turned it on, then watched the news. He then started enjoying his cereal, with a look of joy on his face. Just as he took a bite, the TV turned to the Hub channel, just when My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic started.

"GOD FUCKING DAM-" just then you could hear gurgling noises, as if someone slit someone else's throat.