Sympathy for Discordby Pony BonesChaptersDiscord went down to PonyvillePlaying Discord's AdvocateSpeak of Discord and he Shall AppearDancing with DiscordDiscord Wears PradaSpecial Chapter Twas The Night Before Hearth's WarmingDiscord and Tom TrotterDiscord went down to Ponyville“Please allow me to introduce myself I am a creature of wealth and taste, I’ve been around for a long, long year stole many a pony’s soul and friendship. I was around when Celestia had her moment of doubt and pain; made sure the Nightmare stayed and sealed Luna’s fate, pleased to meet you hope you guess my name. But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” Why should I start this story at the beginning or the end? That’s all been done before; have you ever read a story inside out? I suppose not, for the sake of preserving your sanity, although I’m not sure why you would want to keep such a boring thing, I shall begin at the beginning. If you don’t understand me then stop standing under me, if I still don’t make sense it’s because I make bits but don’t blame me you’re the one that clicked on this story. Ponies always talk about Pinkie Pie breaking through the fourth wall, shoot I can’t tell if this is a cartoon or real life anymore. It all started when I was skipping happily through the poison joke or was it when I was stumbling for my life through the burning Everfree? Please forgive me as an immortal all my memories tend to blend together, maybe I’ll just settle for telling you a story at a time but then again maybe not. I always enjoy seeing the look on your face as you read this, don’t turn around now I’m right behind you! The reason I’m right behind you is because you turned around to check, well maybe you didn’t, if not you’re no fun. Despite what ponies may tell you I do not hate Equestria nothing could be further from the truth ponies are too uptight around here. What is hilarious to one is offensive to another nothing I do will ever be accepted by everypony, part of the reason I act the way I do is that I gave myself to making ponies laugh but they never truly appreciated it. I remember one talented cello player specifically. You may know her a beautiful mare in her right, long lustrous black mane and tail, grey coat, and deep purple eyes, classiest mare you’ll ever meet, a nice pony, and a natural on the cello to boot. I swear she was born with a bow in her hooves the way she plays, funny that her cutie mark is a treble clef when cellos are played in bass clef. If that’s not discordant slap my flank and call me Octavia, because that’s the mare I’m referring to, silly filly Trixies are for foals. Now yours truly went down to Ponyville I was looking for a soul to steal I was in a bind cause I was way behind and I was willing to make a deal. When all of a sudden I come across this mare on the cello and playing it hot so I jump right up on a hickory stump and I say, “Girl let me tell you what I guess you didn’t know it but I’m a cello player too and if you care to take a dare I’ll make a bet with you. Now you play a pretty good cello girl but give Discord his due, I’ll bet a cello of gold against your soul because I think I’m better than you.” Now she said, “My names Octavia and it might be a sin but I’ll take your bet and you’re going to regret because I’m the best that’s ever been.” Octavia rosin up your bow and play your cello hard cause Tartarus broke loose in Ponyville and I’ll be dealing the cards. If you win you get this shiny cello made of gold but if you lose then I will take your soul. Well I opened up my case and I said, “I’ll start this show.” and fire flew from my fingertips as I rosined up my bow and I pulled the bow across my strings and it made an evil hiss then a band of Changelings joined in and it went a little something like this, insert epic cello solo. When I finished Octavia said, “Well your pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it’s done! Fire on the mountain run colts run, Discords in the house of the rising sun! Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough! Granny does Wynona bite? No child no!” Then I bowed his head because I knew that I’d been beat and I laid that golden cello on the ground at Octavia’s hooves. Octavia said, “Discord just come on back if you ever want to try again because I told you once you son of a gun I’m the best that’s ever been!” She played, “Fire on the mountain run colts run, Discords in the house of the rising sun! Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough! Granny does Wynona bite? No child no!” Ah good times, it never gets old losing to somepony truly better than me. What, you thought I hated being sealed in stone? Au contraire mon Cherie, all part of my plan, I’ve been around for long enough that if I really wanted to I could turn Equestria on its head for an eternity, and yet, it is so beautiful without the touch of chaos. Truth is stranger than fiction, likewise Equestria without me can be just as chaotic. So if I am the villain it is because ponies see me as the villain. I could just as easily be the Canterlot court jester and the funniest creature in all Equestria it’s all a matter of perspective. I mean just look at all the fan art, stories, and music, to tell the truth I’m flattered. Now if you’ll excuse me that angry little brony Pony Bones is trying to strangle me for posting his My Little Pony pictures on Facebook. Playing Discord's Advocate“I stuck around Canterlot when I saw it was time for the Changelings, disabled Celestia and the mane six, Princess Cadence screamed in vain. I rode a windigo held a Commander’s rank when the famine raged and the ponies froze. Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name, ah what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” Let’s just assume for a second that you can trust anything that I say, trust me when I tell you to row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream, which is why ponies are so afraid of waking up. At least that’s what Nurse Red Heart told me when I brought myself into existence, who else can claim they pulled themselves out of a hat? The only thing I can compare it to is George Thoroughbred’s Bad to the Pony Bones. My first words were, “HELOOOOOOOOOO NURSE RED HEART!” then she slapped me so hard I forgot what I was supposed to be and decided a draconequus wouldn’t be so bad. The only sad thing was after she slapped me she remembered she wasn’t supposed to exist for another twenty millennia but I promise you I never washed my face since. I bet your still trying to find out if there’s some deeper meaning to all this, I’ll never tell, but by the time you figure it out your brain will be so tied in knots you’ll be able to give a class at Navy boot camp! Actually based off of that and the fact that a story is a partial reflection of its author I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Pony Bones has one or two psychological issues, it’s a good thing nopony takes him seriously… I hope. You’d like him though, he’s real friendly especially when I draw cutie marks on his forehead after he falls asleep at the keyboard. As backwards as it sounds My Little Pony may be the only thing keeping him sane at this point. For today’s story, did I ever tell you about when I stood trial for loitering at Carousel Boutique, I don’t see what the big deal was I was just admiring Rairity’s hoofwork she’s practically the only unicorn that takes pride in what she does anymore. She said the store was open to paying customers only so when I asked her to make a suit for the ridiculously good price of a year’s worth of tapioca she refused and turned me in to the Royal Guard can you believe that? The most generous pony in Equestria denies a customer with good tapioca and then claps him in irons. Get this though the best part was my defense attorney was none other than Twilight Sparkle the very pony responsible for sealing me in stone! Woohoohoohoo, you should have seen her cerebrum fry when she heard that she would be defending me, come on now you can’t tell me that’s not funny. She pretends that she’s better than me but really we’re not that much different, all you have to do is spend a day in Ponyville and you have a seventy five percent chance of the town burning down as a result of her “friendship studies.” The only difference is her “studies” are “sanctioned” by her Royal Highness Princess Celestia. Noticed how I used my fingers to emphasize the quotation marks, that’s so you know I’m being sarcastic! Wait you can’t notice because I’m eating the alphabet soup I used to put this story together. I wouldn’t be so hungry if I wasn’t sealed in stone! I’m not complaining though, with features as chiseled as mine who would? Where was I? Oh yes, the trial couldn’t have gone any better, “The verdict is guilty off with my head!” Twilight looked like she was at the end of her rope it was priceless, sighing heavily, rolling her eyes and facehoofing, “Discord, Princess Celestia hasn’t even entered the courtroom yet.” “Oh.” I took the time to buzz my lips while I flicked them with my fingers, I love doing that! “It’s a good thing I have you as my defense attorney to remind me of all this.” “The death penalty isn’t even legal by Equestrian law; the worst penalty is eternal banishment.” “How would you know, are you immortal?” It’s hysterical how she can give me such a condescending look, if she only knew, she was correct that the death penalty is illegal but Nightmare Moon’s sentence of banishment was “eternal” and you all know how that turned out. The Equestrian definition of eternal banishment only applies to mortal ponies. “All rise for the honorable Princess Celestia!” Shining Armor barked out with his best commander’s voice. Celestia looked as though she was in pain as she sighed, “Be seated, the prosecution will state it’s case.” “Your maaajesty, may I first say thaaaank you for hearing my case.” “You may.” Celestia said rubbing her forhead, Throwing my voice and raising the tone a little bit I stated the obvious, “Coughkiss up.” Princess Celestia fixed me with her death glare trust me you never want to be on the receiving end of those. I pointed at my defense, what else was she there for anyways? “Twilight did it!” “What, no I didn’t!” “Did too!” I replied sticking my tongue out “But I heard you.” “ORDER IN THE COURT!” Celestia shouted smashing her hoof down on the podium I had to peel my face from the wall it had been plastered to as a result of the blast of air that had rattled the windows in their frames, I pride myself at bringing out the best in Princess Celestia. “The prosecution will continue with its accusations!” Rarity looked as though she had just witnessed Prince Blue Blood apply for a job at Sweet Apple Acres, but straightening her mane she continued, this time cutting to the chase sensing Celestia’s irritation with the case. “Your majesty, the defendant refused to leave my Boutique and when I politely asked him to vacate he coated the place with tapioca!” “Does the Prosecution wish to say anything else at this time?” Celestia asked in a tone that obviously said loaded question, BANG! “No Your majesty.” Rarity said shaking her head for emphasis, “I may regret asking but does the defendant have a statement?” “Yes your majesty I’ve have prepared this statement especially for the occasion, twinkle, twinkle little Twilight with your adorable pink and purple highlight. Up above Equestria you fly like a freeway in the sky.” “The defendant will control himself or he will be found in contempt of court.” I just love it when Celestia uses the Royal Canterlot voice, it gives me shivers and reminds me of the good old days. “Begging your pardon your majesty but what does that even mean?” “THAT’S IT, I’M THROWING THIS CASE OUT! Loitering, honestly Rarity what are you a newborn filly? AND YOU DISCORD for living as long as you have you should know better! Your sentence will be cleaning up the tapioca in addition to thirty days hard labor at Carousel Boutique!” “I don’t know why you’re so upset it was an honest question.” It really was, didn’t she see my puppy eyes? The puppy eyes always used to work on Celestia, talk about a buzz kill. Oh well the sentence wasn’t that harsh, it was practically legalized loitering anyways, and the best part was I got to spend thirty days with the resident voted most beautiful mare in Ponyville, hey I just met you and this is crazy but here’s my number so call me maybe! Rarity looked as though she was about to spontaneously combust… twice, so I decided to push her over the edge. “Well darling looks like it’s just you and me for the next seven hundred twenty hours.” “Of all the things to happen, this is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!” Rarity said collapsing into her chair. I was about to leave the courtroom when Twilight stopped me, “Discord wait, what about my payment!?” “Oh yeah.” Picking Twilight up and sweeping her down in a sloppy wet kiss, “Stay beautiful sweetheart.” Hey I don’t have any bits and stallions don’t ever tell Twilight how charming she is, the cowards. It was probably the best thing I could do for her, probably... The way Twilight locked up at first I thought I had turned her into stone, then her face light up brighter than the time she chugged that bottle of hot sauce, I mean I was five seconds away from grilling a hotdog on her horn, and I went straight back to court after my first sentence was up. Breaking bricks in the hot sun I fought the law and the law won! I caught her checking me out while Rarity had me digging for jewels though, she said she was just building her case against me but her face said otherwise. No doubt hoping Celestia would put me to work in her library. I can see it now, “Oh Discord, could you put this heaaaavy book on the top shelf for me? I can’t reach that high.” “Anything for you doll.” So I’ll just wait until you scrub that semi disturbing image from your head, you good? Ok. I gave up trying to be an “upstanding citizen” of Equestria long ago, now I’m just a victim of my reputation. That doesn’t mean I’m not civil, just unorthodox, yet apparently it’s enough to condemn me. So I figure why not make a game out of it? By the way Pony Bones wound up thanking me for posting those pictures on Facebook, his sister got him a pony doll for Hearth’s Warming Eve. I would say it turned out better than planned, but how was I supposed to know what would happen? Speak of Discord and he Shall AppearI watched with glee while your kings and queens fought for decades for the lands they claimed. I shouted out, "Who stole the elements?" when after all it was you and me. Let me please introduce myself I'm a creature of wealth and taste and I laid traps for the buffalo who fell before they reached Appleoosa. Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name, oh yeah. But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby. CONGRATULATIONS, you are reading Sympathy for Discord; I can tell you’re a person of taste, what that taste is I have no idea. Allow me to reach through the screen give you a high five, what are you going to leave me hanging? Actually I don’t know why anyone would read this story, the only reason Pony Bones puts his name to it is because he’s the one that pounds on the keyboard as I dance around his flying fists. Sometimes he forgets to edit before he posts and this is what it looks like, mcl;d5+6Lk%#);lgm[Kpojf;k+={\DKL;MV*(^%lbg13f’l;h2ore*H(T*UETR*(hprg*&]E#%Ry89S?$2ROj3@#! How he gets this story out of that I have no idea, but that’s one complicated tongue twister say it with me now! mcl;d5+6Lk%#);lgm[Kpojf;k+={\DKL;MV*(^%lbg13f’l;h2ore*H(T*UETR*(hprg*&]E#%Ry89S?$2ROj3@#! Sometimes I wonder if there were a zombie pony apocalypse in Las Pegasus, would it stay in Las Pegasus? You know because what happens in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus but that could never happen because when you mix a zombie with a pony you get a Zamboni and there’s no ice to skate on in Las Pegasus. You’re probably wondering Tartarus who thinks about these things, well you’re looking at him, because if you sit around as long as I do you get to see all the hilarious things ponies do when they think nopony is watching. Call me a creeper or a stalker if you want but it wasn’t my choice, that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it though. Ponies wonder how I score so many mares, that’s easy the garden around my stone carcass is one of the most romantic locales in Canterlot. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen proposals, moonlight promenades, even originally composed serenades. So yeah brony I got game for centuries, Tartarus my entire life is a game, nopony told me the rules so I just decided to enjoy it. Nurse Red Heart says I have ADHD and gave me a prescription of Ritalin but I can never remember to take it, after all what’s the point cause levitation is possible. Your reply achieved and gone, there’s time for this and so much more. It’s typical to create a world, a special place of my design. To never cope or never care just use the key cause he’s alone. Did I ever tell you about the time I foalsat the Cutie Mark Crusaders? Now before you call Foal Protection Services on me allow me to assure you it had almost nothing to do with Twilight’s transfiguration. Actually it had nothing to do with it, YOU CAN’T PROVE I DID IT, well you actually could but, I’M SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME OUT OF THE SHOW! It all started when I was on my painfully comfortable memorial in the Canterlot Gardens being all obedient and stuff when the precocious trio just fell out of the sky in a gaggle of feathers, manes, scooter, and wagon. Now I enjoy my stone prison as much as the next guy but when life hands you lemons you throw them back and add a few of your own. I think that’s how the saying goes; anyways they crashed into me helter-skelter generously shattering my concrete cocoon and before I even have time to yawn Applejack comes galloping around a hedge with a frustrated shout. “Scootuhloo how many tahmes do Ah have ta tell ya, ya cain’t perform ah Immelmann turn on ah scooter pullin’ ah wagin!? Are ya tryin’ ta kill mah sister?” Scootaloo gave Applejack her most heart wrenching puppy eyes, she should have those things registered for concealed carry, “Aww but Pinkie Pie does it with us all the time.” “Ummm, hello everypony? King of Discord here aren’t you going to scream and gallop for the hills like you usually do?” Applejack gave me an annoyed look as if it was an everyday occurrence that I had the privilege of drawing breath, “Ah hates ta axe ya this n’ Ah’m shur Ah’ll ruhgret it later but can Ah axe ya ta keep an ah on these three wahl Ah duliver these apples ta mah distribyater? If you do ah prahmis not ta have ya turned inta stone fer ah day.” She said winking for good measure. Oh the games a mare will play with your heart, intemperance will be the death of me, “Anything for you sugar, your compassion baffles me.” Raising an eyebrow skeptically Applejack appraised my sincerity, “Yeah well, if anythin happens ta one ah these fillies Ah garantee bein turned ta stone will be tha least ah yer wurries.” No pressure got it, snapping to attention and saluting smartly I replied, “Fear not fair Applejack Superfluous sorority sitting shall surely slip silently After an advantageously applicable and aspiring afternoon For frustratingly fantastic frivolity Exceeding expertise exactly eroding erroneous enigmas.” “Say wut now?” Picking the midget mark crusaders up in a squirming hug I assured Applejack, “They’ll be safe with me.” Shaking her head as if to clear the cobwebs out Applejack looked over her shoulder as she trotted away, “Just make sure they stay that way.” Setting the Cutie Mark Crusaders down they looked back faces full of confusion, I have that effect on ponies, “Whut happens now?” Applebloom asked. I sighed tiredly, “To be honest I’m not sure, I wasn’t expecting to be foalsitting today. What’s popular with the fillies lately?” “This guy sure is weird.” Scootaloo whispered a little too loudly to Sweetie Belle “What do you mean popular with the fillies?” Sweetie Belle asked cautiously. “Like what do you all do for fun?” I asked snapping my fingers and summoning some dice to snack on, what? I didn’t have a Momma to tell me, “Don’t eat what you play.” Sweetie Belle scratched her mane and said, “We just have Scootaloo pull us around in Applebloom’s wagon I guess.” Through a mouthful of dice I asked, “Well that can be fun but doesn’t it get old?” Scootaloo jumped around excitedly, “Oh and we also go on Cutie Mark Quests!” Cutie mark quests, I’ve been around long enough that if I wanted to I could get these impressionable fillies their cutie marks by the end of the day. It’s not that hard really all it takes is a little observation to find a ponies special talent nine times out of ten all you have to do is point it out to them. But I’ve also been around long enough to know that Applejack wouldn’t appreciate the method I would go about doing that. It’s much better when ponies discover their talent by themselves anyways. But cutie mark quests? These fillies needed help, I really shouldn’t but I can’t help myself sometimes. Twirling my beard in my fingers I offered, “I may be able to help you get your cutie marks.” “We’ve tried everything we can think of what makes you think you can help?” Scootaloo asked jadedly. Putting my divine flank on display I replied, “Because, unlike all the other ponies you’ve asked for help before you’ll see I don’t have a cutie mark.” Applebloom couldn’t follow my train wreck of thought and asked, “Then wha should we trust ya?” Placing my paw over my heart I said in my most modest voice, “Because I don’t need a cutie mark I just live to help ponies get ahead, then maybe I can get some well-deserved probation.” Applebloom was unimpressed, “Twahlaht told me ya live ta chase tail.” My patience was quickly running out, “Now that is unfair, what am I supposed to do when everypony’s naked?” Sweetie Belle’s face was the definition of perplexity, “But you’re naked.” “And you don’t have a cutie mark, what’s your point?” Oh, I could do this all day just for the Tartarus of it. Applebloom gave her best attempt at a threat, “Alraght we’ll trust ya, but don’t trah any funny stuff er Ah’ll tell ma sister.” I had an idea that might actually help with finding their cutie marks, I figured if I could get them on a big enough sugar rush they’d try as many things as they could in as little time as possible leaving only one thing left to attempt which would most likely be their special talent. Either that or they would crash from their high and I would be able to get some peace until Applejack finished her business and I’d make off looking like foalsitter of the year. It was a win, win, what could go wrong? “Have you girls ever heard of a drink called Monster?” Scootaloo stuck her tongue out with disgust, “I haven’t heard of it before, it doesn’t even sound good what pony names a drink Monster?” “Do you really want your cutie mark?” I asked folding my arms. “Yeah.” She said kicking dirt sullenly. I didn’t want to force them into something they didn’t want so I tried to pique their interest, “It’s not as bad as you think I promise, in fact I think you’ll like it.” Reaching through the space between the spaces I grabbed a plentiful variety of energy drinks ensuring to replace them with the local currency. No sooner had I put a can into their hooves, I found Applebloom climbing up to my head and useing my antlers for drumsticks on my dome, Scootaloo screaming at the top of her lungs rolling over my tail with her Tartarus on wheels, and Sweetie Belle belting out Apple Lavigne He Wasn’t. Which I have to say wasn’t actually that bad, in fact it was a lot better than many of the concerts I’ve been to, that filly has some serious pipes. Any second now they’ll get their cutie marks, Merciful Celestia make it soon! I had everything in perfect control until Twilight trotted around a hedge, and balked. I waved awkwardly, “Hello again.” “YOU! What are you doing here Discord?” Well I was already off to a bad start it’s not like I could make it any worse, “What do you mean what am I doing here? I belong here, this is my home.” She sighed and rolled her eyes as if I didn’t even deserve a chance to explain myself, “No I mean what are you doing out of your stone seal?” “Oh that, you know I just wanted to see your pretty face again.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a unicorn try to hide behind their mane before, but she didn’t say anything. My charismatic approach must be working, if I could just get with one of the Mane 6 I wouldn’t have to worry about being put back on the block. “Since this is my home maybe I should be asking, what you are doing here?” Yawning expansively she answered, “Aaaaahhhhhh, I spent all night working on a research project for Princess Luna and I’m wiped out but I have to present my findings.” “You should try some of these energy drinks!” Sweetie Belle said shoving one into her hoof excitedly. “I’ve never heard of an energy drink before but it sounds like just what I need.” I looked at the can that Sweetie Belle had given to Twilight, pony feathers, it was the Red Bull. Sweetie Belle, why the Red Bull, why? I swear it was one of those moments like in a movie where time just stops and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. She popped the tab, “TWILIGHT NO!!!” Of course it was too late, she put the can to her mouth and guzzled it sighing contentedly, “Ahhhh, I think it’s already working I feel better already.” “Yeah that stuff really gives you wings doesn’t it?” I said as casually as I could while Sweetie Belle just gaped in horror. “Well can’t keep the Princess waiting, Sweetie Belle you let me know if Discord starts causing any trouble ok?” Sweetie Belle did her best to give a coherent reply but all that came out was, “Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh.” Without a second thought Twilight started flying to the Castle and then stopped in mid glide, “Wait a second… DISCORD!!!” Well there goes my probation, there are two sides to every story; both ponies will paint the stories in their favor. It’s not just me either the changelings had the same problem, they were hungry so they invaded Canterlot for food which happened to be love and friendship. I’m not saying the way they went about it was right but you’re going to tell me that starving them for their crimes isn’t cruel and unusual punishment? Somepony explain to me how this is a cartoon for little girls? Celestia has a heart colder than mine when I’m on rocks. And now for something completely different, wait what were we talking about? Sorry you’ll have to speak up I can’t hear you through the monitor, louder, louder, LOUDER! There now that half the neighborhood heard you are officially a brony! Live your life like it’s a cartoon, I triple Daring Do dare you! You haven’t lived until you’ve been whacked on the head with a giant wooden mallet. I do it to Pony Bones all the time when I catch him reading ship fics but it doesn’t stop him, it's like beating a dead horse. He’s a bit of a goon but don’t tell anypony. Author's Note Ok so the reason it took me so long to get this chapter done was I wrote a chapter's worth but couldn't come up with a good closing so I had to rewrite the whole thing, hope ya like it. Dancing with DiscordPleased to meet you Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah But what's confusing you Is just the nature of my game. Just as every guard is a criminal and all the sinners saints. As heads is tails, just call me Rhapsody 'cause I'm in need of some restraint. So if you meet me have some courtesy, have some sympathy, and some taste. Use all your well-learned politesse or I'll lay your soul to waste, yeah. Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name, but what's puzzling you is the nature of my game, get down! I think every Brony’s introduction to My Little Pony can be summed up in One Week by Bare Naked Mares, double meaning, I love word play! Don’t deny it comedy without stupid puns would be like Seapple without coffee, unimportant until you don’t have it. I may be a flirt but my heart belongs to only one pony, she may have bruised it and shook it up a bit but nothing she does can ever change how I feel about her. You all know who I’m talking about, the lovely the charming Screwball. In the millennia of my existence I have never met a mare like her and I know I’ll never find another one like her when she’s gone, not only does she appreciate my humor and keep me in line; she’s a compulsive joker herself. Other ponies don’t seem to understand you can’t take life too seriously; you’re going to die either way, no sense living in Missouri, excuse me, misery I get the two confused sometimes. Live what you watch and, “Giggle at the ghosties.” Just live your life EHehEHehEHeh. Where is Missouri anyways, and why do I know about it? Pony Bones has to stop writing this story soon it’s confusing to have a foot in two worlds. Do I look like Hannah Maretanna? Because I know I’m not getting the best of both worlds, yes I just went there. I like the Van Hooven version better anyways. You know when I first met Screwball I literally fell for her? I wish I hadn’t fallen on her though not very classy of me. It was back in the day when I ruled Equestria and don’t bother asking about the timeline because it’s more convoluted than hoofball bat at a hockey game, which I don’t recommend trying. To this day Celestia herself couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened. It all started when I was floating down Bon Bon Street as a parade balloon at Mardi Grass having the time of my life. Nopony does masquerades like Baton Rein, but I look down an alley and I see a mare crying. Now you know me if you’re at a party and you’re not having a good time I’m going to do what I can to fix that. So I floated over to introduce myself but I wasn’t watching where I was going and I crashed into a balcony and landed on her back knocking her over. “Oww.” She groaned wincing in pain. “Please forgive me Madame allow me to help you up.” I said offering my paw. “Ohh, you should be more careful next time that really hurt.” She replied accepting my offer. “I truly am sorry, actually I came over here to see if you were doing alright but I kind of ruined that didn’t I?” “It’s alright, I’ll be fine.” She said wiping her eyes and opening them. When we saw each other we both had completely opposite reactions, of course I was smitten on first sight. If her eyes were oceans then consider me drowned but as soon as she understood who she was speaking with she flew into a panic and fell to her knees. “Forgive me your Majesty I should not have obstructed your flight.” “Don’t worry about it really, and please rise. It seems you know me but I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you.” She stared at the ground dismally and hesitated before answering, “My name’s… Screwball.” “Well Screwball aside from me blundering into you just now would you mind telling me why you’re so upset?” She hesitated just a bit more but couldn’t hold back, she sat down in tears and explained, “My pegasi friends were making fun of me, They told me I’d never be able to fly with my helicopter beanie!” My heart broke right there, I don’t understand how Ponies can be so beautiful and so ugly at the same time but I knew this was the mare I wanted to be with until she passed on. “What do they know, listen to me sweet heart, if you want to fly with your beanie don’t let anypony tell you that you can’t.” “But I already tried it, it doesn’t work!” She said throwing her beanie on the ground. It is so good to be Discord sometimes, a little bending of aeronautic physics and I knew I could put a smile back on her face. Picking up the beanie and pawing it to her I said, “Why don’t you give it another try what could it hurt?” “What couldn’t it hurt?” She said crossing her cannons and scowling. “Aww don’t be like that, I’m not going tell you that it won’t hurt sometimes but I guarantee it will be worth it. Besides just think of the looks on your so called friends faces when you’re on their level.” Uncertainly she took the beanie and put it on her head again and started up the little rotor. “CONTACT, here she goes folks the Amelia Wing Heart of Baton Rein! They told her it couldn’t be done but look at her now already three feet off the ground!” Looking down she saw that she was indeed hovering and without warning she half crashed half glommed onto me. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Then once again she remembered who she was talking to and blushed redder than Cheerilee with a fever, I’m not going to lie my face was feeling a little warm too. “Forgive me your Majesty that was presumptuous of me.” “Ahem EHERM, All is forgiven, uhhh actually may I escort you through the skies tonight milady?” I said offering my elbow Screwball got over her initial nervousness quickly and smiled as she accepted my proposition, “Please lead the way your Highness.” Yes we can dance if we want to we can leave your friends behind cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine. I miss those days more than anything, we left her friends slack jawed in the dust, it tears me up that I can’t live it over again. A life can only be lived once and that includes me, one day I will face my reckoning also. There’s not much that can set me off, I’m fairly laid back, but when she’s forced to live in hiding for association with my usurpation, that’s just wrong. Being the sweetheart she is, she still visits me when she can. Hah, just when you thought this story was just shallow stupidity I had to go and drop a moral in to it, mind blown, and don’t tell me I can’t do it I’m Discord I do what I want! The moral of the story is don’t try to fly with a helicopter beanie unless I’m there. I would ask for somepony to save me from myself but I’m having too much fun! Oh and if you don’t favorite this story you will be haunted for all time wondering what would have happened if you did favorite it, can you live with that? Actually I don’t know how you can’t favorite this story anyways, this chapter is totally adorable, in fact let me click the favorite button for you. Author's Note Good gravy this chapter was sooooo much fun to write, I haven't written like this since I first signed up for FIM Fiction. To my loyal readers, thank you all for the comments and the favorites, this chapter's for you! Now I'm going to sleep. Discord Wears PradaSorry that’s the end of the song; the only thing left is the redundant outro. I ask for your lenience, ain’t nopony got time to read that, because I know I don’t have time to write it. Don’t panic though it’s not the end of the story I’ve got what you all came for. Pony Bones and I tried to time it so the story would wrap up the same time as the song, it doesn’t matter I’ll go acapella like Slim Stallion. WARNING! This story causes sidesplitting laughter… literally. Not a bad way to go if you ask me, that’s how I’d want to go out. Laughing in the face of death is so much better than living in fear of life. Dadgom Pony Bones got me good this time, with one of the oldest tricks in the book no less. Have you ever woken up with shaving cream in your hand when you rub your eyes? Yeah, he must have gotten tired of all the horse apples I was giving him, what I want to know is how he pulled it off. I never sleep, so if you want to pull a fast one on me you have to wake up pretty early, cause I wasn’t born yesterday. Oh well I had it coming it’s about time he got his. I thought you’d like to hear a more recent story, I haven’t been this excited to share good news since… last chapter! I’m not going to say that I never meant what I said about Celestia earlier because frankfurterly that would be about as true as a five pound stick of bologna. However I am willing to call it water under the bridge now that I’ve got some elbow room to Lean Like a Polo. Also this is my public apology to Fluttershy for the Tartarus I put her through during my reformation, it wasn’t fair to vent my frustration on her. Just because I never got my fair chance doesn’t mean I have the right to ruin other pony’s lives. I’m just grateful she had the patience and kindness to put up with me until I got my act together. You’d think with how much I’ve been stalling this story must not really be that important. Well that’s the end, thank you for reading! Oh, you’re still here, darn. Next time I’ll have to write a sentence a chapter to find out how much patience everypony has before they start disliking the story. So go ahead hit the dislike button until it breaks for all I care, I’ll keep laughing until I get a hernia! Allow me to cut to the chase, sure it’s old news that I’m back on the streets of Equestria but you probably didn’t know than that Celestia granted Screwball clemency and then invited us to the Grand Galloping Gala. So if it sounds like I’m making more sense than usual it’s because I was so dumbstruck I tied my tongue in knots to make sure I hadn’t harmonized. I sphill haphenth goth the knoth outh. Our night started out like any other night before an agonizingly refined hoedown, cleaning up in the Canterlot Caverns. “Dissy, when you’re ready would you mind giving me a hoof? This subterranean aquifer is not doing my mane justice.” Screwball’s musical voice echoed off the cave and crystal walls making her a choir of one. “Since when has anypony done us justice? I’ll be right there.” I grumbled stepping into my stilettos. Screwball stuck her head through a crack in the cave wall, “What’s wrong Discord I thought you of all creatures would be bouncing off the walls now that you’re free. Do I need to tell Celestia to turn you to stone again to give you more personality?” Screwball wasn’t kidding when she said she needed help with her mane, if we were above ground I would have said she was about to be struck by lightning and in spite of all that she was still gorgeous. Removing my antler I bent it into an impromptu comb and started working out the knots, “Thanks Screwy it means a lot that you still care for me after all this time but I’ve had quite enough of being a draqonikin. If I had anymore personality they would have to wrap me up in a spider web straight jacket.” “And then you would be all left hooves on the dance floor, Discord it’s been such a long time you better not have gotten rusty.” Kissing her on the cheek I promised, “Never.” You’re probably wondering what I’m doing in a beret, dress, and stilettos and what Screwball is doing in a pinstripe suit and fedora, well Equestria still sees us as the villains so why not fulfill the stereotype? Besides who else would go to the Gala as Bunny and Clydesdale? We rolled up to the Royal Ball Room in the way only we could. In a burning refrigerator, I handed the reins to the slack jawed valet, opened the door for Screwball and stepped onto the red carpet. All conversation stopped, everyponies eyes immediately locked onto us. “Well hiya folks, if you stare long enough I might do a trick!” “Behave yourself.” Screwball said squeezing my paw. Cutting through the crowd of kneeling ponies Princess Luna welcomed us in the old Equestrian style I am so fond of, “WE BID THEE GOOD EVENING FAIR SCREWBALL AND DISCORD!” “AND A FINE EVENING TO THEE AS WELL, WE THANK THEE FOR THY KIND RECEPTION YOUR MAJESTY!” I love using my big draqonious voice, have you ever yelled at someone just to yell at them and seen the color drain from their face? The only thing better is when they actually roll with it and you have a completely civil conversation at the top of your lungs, try it sometime. “THE PLEASURE IS OURS, WE THANK THEE FOR JOINING IN OUR FESTIVITIES, PLEASE COME IN!” We made our way to the front of the reception line and hooved our tickets to the door pony to the hostile stares of the dignitaries in line. They looked so upset I blew them a kiss to fix their hurt feelings but I don’t think it worked. The DJ was a good friend of mine, Vinyl Scratch, so I made my way to her turntables. “Hey Vinyl, long time no see.” “You’re telling me, and I see you’re back with Screwball, how’s it going girl?” “Screwy as usual.” Screwball curtsied and tripped in a giggling pile, did I mention I love that mare? “Tell you what this parties pretty dull right now how about a duet?” I brushed my claws on my neck, “Oh I don’t know these ponies never did appreciate my singing." “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” “As a matter of fact.” I reached down my throat and pulled out a drenched and rather unhappy looking Opal, looking across the court I saw Rarity stalking Prince Blueblood, yeesh, why do all the good mares have no taste in coltfriends? I shrugged and tossed Opal over my shoulder into an urn that would take her back to Carousel Boutique “Huh Sweetie Belle must be house sitting for her sister, I hope the boutique is still standing.” Vinyl fell over her turn tables laughing until the music skipped drawing some annoyed glances from nearby guests, “That joke never gets old, but seriously when has a tough crowd stopped you from crashing a party?” “Pleeeeeease Dissy it’ll be fun!” and Fluttershy thought her stare could be intimidating, hah, nothing compared to Screwball’s puppy eyes. “How can I refuse two beautiful mares? Vinyl the mics please.” “Coming right at you.” She said passing us a set, “What about your beats?” “Surprise us.” I said over my shoulder heading towards the stage. Vinyl winked through her sunglasses and reached up to her dustier LP section, “I’ve got just the song for you.” Johneigh Cash and Jane Canter came crackling over the speakers, how fitting, snapping my fingers I dimmed the lights and swung a spotlight in our direction. “Hey colts this is the time when you want to slow dance with your mare, I could lie here forever and listen to the falling rain. I didn’t think I would ever be touched this way again. Until you came you smiled at me and rolled away the years. Back to a place where there was time enough to love, and love enough to give, you give me that old time feeling.” When we were done I squinted into the spotlight, no flying tomatoes or eggs just silence… Then slowly a stamping of hooves, “Encore! Encore! Encore!” Screwball jumped up and kissed me on the cheek, “See Dissy, they don’t hate you as much as you thought they did.” “And that’s why you’re my better half darling, so what do you think should we oblige them?” I said bowing to the crowd. “Why not? Hey Vinyl kick it up a notch would you?” “I was wondering when you’d ask.” Vinyl said throwing her hoof up and head banging. The grinding sound of the Equicide Machines started blaring over the speakers, now we’re talking. I started slam dancing across the stage, “HEY, What I like about you, you hold me tight! Tell me I’m the only one gonna come over tonight! Yeah, keep on whispering in my ear; tell me all the things I want to hear! Cause that’s true that’s what I like about you!” The expression of the crowd went from admiring fans to a frantic stampede to get out the door, by the end of the song it was just Vinyl, Screwball, and I. “Looks like we’ve got the dance floor to ourselves ladies.” “And the hors d'oeuvre table too.” Screwball said licking her lips, “I’m starving.” “Nopony can say this is a Gala they’ll forget.” Vinyl said dancing over to an exotic looking fruit tray. “I’ll drink to that.” I said up ending a punchbowl over my head and sipping the glass through a crazy straw then carefully setting the punch back where it came from. “We really brought the house down didn’t we?” Screwball said through a mouthful of cake. “Just like old times, right Celestia?” Vinyl spat out the star fruit she had been snacking on and fell to her knees, Celestia just smiled mischievously with a raised eyebrow, “Enjoying yourselves I see.” “Yes, your majesty.” Screwball and I said bowing in unison. “Just don’t get carried away, the court isn’t as spirited as it used to be.” “Perish the thought your majesty, we shall, as they, say wind it down.” I said pulling a wind up key out of my back. Celestia allowed herself a reserved giggle, “It’s good to have you back Discord.” AND THE CROWD GOES WILD! I never thought I’d get Celestia to admit that, it just goes to show life without Discord may be pleasant but it sure is boring. Pony feathers, all this sentimentality is making me philosophical. That’s what Pony Bones gets for grabbing a draqonious by the tail. You’ve been a wonderful audience, I’d give you all a pie, but I’ve got a pie fight with Screwball after the Gala. I can’t believe nopony will buy Applejack’s home cooked goods, oh well more for me! Catch ya’ll on the flip side! Author's Note Had this one up my sleeve for a little while till I could get it right, your favorites, likes, and comments are what fuel this story to new heights of ridiculousness, thank you, goodnight. Special Chapter Twas The Night Before Hearth's WarmingAs told by Her Royal Highness Princess Luna Twas the night before Hearth's Warming and all through the castle not a creature was stirring, why bother the hassle? The incomprehensible socks were hung by the hearth with care in hopes that Saint Nicker soon would be there. The foals were nestled all snug in their beds no visions of factories, cupcakes, or sheds, while Celestia in her nightgown and We with Our snacks had just settled our bones for a long winter’s nap. When out in the courtyard there arose such a ruckus, it sounded like a guard had fell on his tokus. Away to the window We flew in a flurry and opened the curtains with a quickness and a hurry. Clinching Our teeth against the freezing slurry, Our moon shone on the new fallen snow giving the luster of midday to the courtyard below. When what to Our wandering eyes should encroach but a little tiny sled and eight tiny jackalopes. With a gangly old driver so awkward and boor We knew in an instant it must be King Discord. More rapid than lightning his coursers they came and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. “Now Slacker, now Smacker, now Flouncer and Trixie! On Grommet on Eunice on Bomber and Schnitzel! To the top of the court to the top of the wall! Now Dashie’s too tall, so just watermelon crawl and be sure you don’t fall!” Then with an inkling We heard on the roof the stomping and clomping of each little brute. As We drew in our head and knocked off Our crown down the chimney King Discord came like a clown. He wore belled spurs on each mismatched foot and his clothes were all sticky with licorice flutes. A bundle of ploys he had flung on his back and he looked like a hobo covering his tracks. His eyes how they squinted, his dimples how scary, his cheeks were like boulders, his nose leaked without caring. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a crow, and the beard on his chin was frosted with snow. The stump of a pipe he clinched in his fangs and his tail on the hearth had burst into flames. He had a long face and a tawny, scrawny belly that squirmed as he danced in pain, yelling. He was uncouth and crass, a right horrid old whelp, and We laughed when We saw him in spite of Ourself. With a wink of his eye and a twist of his back, soon gave Us to know that We need not attack. He spoke naught a word but went straight to his work, he filled all the socks with a promiscuous twerk. Then laying his claw aside of his nose and giving a nod up the chimney he rose. He stumbled to his sled, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like a delicious down thistle. We heard him exclaim ere he rode out of sight. “Happy Hearth's Warming to all, now go fly a kite!” Author's Note A Christmas gift from King Discord himself. My apologies to Mr. Clement Clarke Moore may he rest in peace. It's been a while since I've written, so let me know what you think. Discord and Tom TrotterGoooooooooOOOOOOOOOD MORNING EQUESTRIA! I’m surprised I still have readers after all this time. Either I’m funnier than I thought I was or Pony Bones is really scraping the bottom of the barrel, who knew he’d stoop so low? Because we’re no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of; you wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. I bet you never thought you would get Rick rolled on a fan fiction website, you can’t escape the Rick roll it will always find you! Oh, Pony Bones is telling me to watch my mouth again, better pull out my eyes and do it, POP! It’s not like I need to watch my mouth when so many other ponies are watching it for me. Why can’t I use their eyes since I’ve already caught them? Comedy is such a serious business now days. But we got pony’s heads spinning like records right round, baby right round, and your song is stuck on replay until it skips, until it skips, until it skips, until it, until it skips off the player! Everypony said last chapter was too mellow and logical for the King of Discord. Fear not, I the benevolent Discord have heard thine belly aches and I promise I’m going out with a bang on this last chapter. You won’t believe it, I had this great idea for a flight exhibition team you know since I’m royalty and I’m not frozen to a concrete commode anymore, but Celestia said, “No, no, just no, never, not ever, no way!” I mean Celestia has the Wonderbolts, Luna has the Shadowbolts so what’s wrong with me wanting to establish the Blunderbolts? I think they would be sensational like, like a flying circus! Wait that’s been done before Captain Marefred von Richthofen if I’m not mistaken, but you get what I’m saying, it’s going to happen one day. You’re probably asking yourself, “Is this draqonious stupid?” Sure, I’m stupid but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant! There’s a big difference between education and life experience. Because while I may not be able to tell you much about the abstract nuances from the prestigious halls of education, I can tell you about what I’ve seen of Equestria and that’s enough to rock the socks off Princess Celestia. For some reason those socks are now worn by a baseball team from a strange land called Chicago. Home of the notorious gangster Al Capony mastermind behind the Hearts and Hooves day massacre. Wait, who’s telling this story again? I think Pony Bones just went out back and sold his brain to Wetzel’s Pretzles. Oh well it’s not like he needed one anyways. So back in the day in the woods just outside of Baltimare there lived a miserly stallion that lived nearby named Tom Trotter. There was only one pony in Baltimare who was stingier, and that was his wife. They squabbled over the spending of a bit and each swiped the food of the other. It was like the Jerry Springmare of colonial Equestria it was great. Although I don’t see what the big deal was, they should have just taken some coupons to Saddle N’ Save that’s what I did to pay off Screwball’s college loans. I’m so proud of her she’s got a PHD in comedy. Her valedictorian speech had everypony rolling in the aisles. One day Tom was trotting out in the woods to clear his head from his wife’s constant nagging and to possibly scrounge up a dinner that he would most certainly be denied if he returned home. When he stumbled over a treasure chest buried under a pile of leaves. “What are you doing in my grounds?” I asked, resting on a stump for I thoroughly enjoy resting on stumps and stone pedestals. By the look of surprise on Tom’s face you would have thought that a draqonious had popped out of thin air in front of him. That happened to me once, almost scared the taste out of my mouth until I realized it was a reflection. Once he had finished with his screaming and sputtering he asked, "Who are you?” "I go by different names in different places," I replied. "In some countries I am the mad miner; in some the hooligan huntsman; here I am the wily woodman. I am the patron of Zebra wranglers and master of Salem phookas." "I think you are Discord!" blurted Tom. Pulling a flashing neon sign out of my mouth I hung it next to my head and replied with a theatrical bow. "Since you want to put words in my mouth. Yes I am the one and only King Discord at your service." “There is a reward for your capture, I could turn you in.” I couldn’t say I was surprised but being judged by my reputation alone still gets on my nerves. “You could but then who would I share this accursed treasure with?” I could see the hamster wheel spinning in Tom’s head, was a treasure worth a curse? Much to my amusement since Tom had lived with Mrs. Trotter for such a long time he had no fear of any curse, and he sat down to inquire about the chest he had stumbled over. I casually told him this was the treasure of the notorious Pirate Captain Filly the Kidd and anypony could find and keep it at the small price of abandoning their friends. To my surprise greedy old Tom declined my offer. Who knew Tom had friends to abandon? He told his wife about it, and she was furious with him for not having sealed the deal immediately, declaring that if he didn’t have the guts to get the treasure she would do it. “It’s like I have to do everything myself around here! You don’t even remember our anniversary if I don’t remind you!” She wailed louder than an air raid siren. “It’s not that I forget it’s that I don’t want to remember.” Tom muttered bitterly. “Well shows how grateful you are for all I do. I know plenty of stallions who would swim through a sea of nails to be married to a mare like me.” What are you looking at me like that for? That’s what she said I can’t make this up. Tom decided not to stop his wife. If she got the treasure he would try to get his share of it, and if Discord took her away… Well, there were worse things that could happen. When they say Tartarus hath no fury like a mare slighted, you best believe that’s Faust’s truth. Mrs. Trotter came stalking through the woods just before sundown, with her spoons in her apron. King of Discord as I am Mrs. Trotter opened a can on my royal flank. Would you believe I had a full beard down to my knees before that fight? I had been working on it for seven hours and she ripped it out! It was all fun and games up to that point. I threw her so far she woke up in another story where she died of a heart attack when her husband got lost in the woods, went bowling with the green ponies of the mountains, and fell asleep for fifty years. Good riddance to her I say. When Tom discovered that the spoons were gone he came after Mrs. Trotter, to get the spoons back. He never found his wife. Her apron was flung over a telephone pole that hadn’t been invented yet, the area around there had been trampled and strewn with hooffulls of my glorious beard. "Gadzooks!" Tom muttered, "Old Discord must have had a tough time with her." Half in gratitude and half in curiosity, Tom waited to speak to me, and was next day rewarded by seeing me come through the wood whistling carelessly. Wasting no time at all Tom confronted me about the treasure not his wife, for he wanted the treasure to himself. After some haggling I suggested that Tom should start a loan office in Fillydelphia and use Captain Kidd's money in extorting his clients. Then when his business had run its course he would spend the rest of his natural life cleaning out my refrigerator. Tom accepted, and promised to swindle fourteen percent interest a month out of the broke schmucks who might ask for his help. When he came into town with a bulging duffel bag ponies thought his wife had finally threw him out of his house. Little did they know it was really the treasure of Captain Kidd earned by long years of respectable piracy. Well respectable as compared to what Tom did. As time went on Tom found himself with the majority of Fillydelphia in his debt whether from a failed business loan, student loan, overdue rent or mortgage. Tom was a regular skinflint and only splurged on food for his wife had deprived him. Tom could see that his time as a money lender was short and he did not want to spend the rest of his life cleaning my refrigerator so he began wearing garlic necklaces. For some reason ponies think I despise garlic, they must have me confused with Vamponies. And really did he think that a garlic necklace would keep someone as eccentric as me away? Whatever the case one afternoon Tom was happily taking an unfortunate client’s rent. "You have made so much money out of me," wailed the victim of Tom's philanthropies. "May Discord take me if I have made a single bit!" exclaimed Tom. I had never heard such a hilarious proposition and from such a deplorable pony I had to take him up on his offer. So with Tom’s invitation I decided to collect my dues. With three knocks at the door, and Tom stepped out to see who was there. The money lender found himself in presence of his fate. I snatched him up like a colt and threw him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and rode off into the swamp on a Harley Neighvidson singing For Whom the Sweetie Bells Toll. As I reached the trees a lightning flash descended into the swamp and exploded into zucchini jello. At the same moment Tom's house was discovered turned inside out. When his possessions were looted nothing was found in his treasure chests except chocolate coins. Oh Celestia I’m going to get sued for copyright infringement if not for first degree murder because I’m killing these jokes. I haven’t had this much fun since I told Princess Luna the moon was made out of cheese and made everypony think Celestia banished her when she left to find out if it was true. So this is it the last chapter, the grand finale, the end, la fin, owarida, end of the line, last bus leaving so adieu parting is such sweet sorrow. I’ve had a great time telling my little story and since I’m a draqonious of my word, Screwball would you mind lighting this fuse? Not my tail the fuse! Oops. Bang! P.S. Ha ha, oh I had ArtSmock panicking for a second there! Don’t worry I saved your note this time, even though I kept running into walls when Pony Bones put it on my forehead, we straight Brony. Let’s see what it says, take your Ritalin… Oops. P.P.S. Cartoons can’t cross over to real life, that’s just ridiculous. P.P.P.S. You can’t trust anything I say. Author's Note I'm back in the saddle again. It took me forever to get this chapter close to looking alright. Let me know what you think.
Discord went down to Ponyville“Please allow me to introduce myself I am a creature of wealth and taste, I’ve been around for a long, long year stole many a pony’s soul and friendship. I was around when Celestia had her moment of doubt and pain; made sure the Nightmare stayed and sealed Luna’s fate, pleased to meet you hope you guess my name. But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” Why should I start this story at the beginning or the end? That’s all been done before; have you ever read a story inside out? I suppose not, for the sake of preserving your sanity, although I’m not sure why you would want to keep such a boring thing, I shall begin at the beginning. If you don’t understand me then stop standing under me, if I still don’t make sense it’s because I make bits but don’t blame me you’re the one that clicked on this story. Ponies always talk about Pinkie Pie breaking through the fourth wall, shoot I can’t tell if this is a cartoon or real life anymore. It all started when I was skipping happily through the poison joke or was it when I was stumbling for my life through the burning Everfree? Please forgive me as an immortal all my memories tend to blend together, maybe I’ll just settle for telling you a story at a time but then again maybe not. I always enjoy seeing the look on your face as you read this, don’t turn around now I’m right behind you! The reason I’m right behind you is because you turned around to check, well maybe you didn’t, if not you’re no fun. Despite what ponies may tell you I do not hate Equestria nothing could be further from the truth ponies are too uptight around here. What is hilarious to one is offensive to another nothing I do will ever be accepted by everypony, part of the reason I act the way I do is that I gave myself to making ponies laugh but they never truly appreciated it. I remember one talented cello player specifically. You may know her a beautiful mare in her right, long lustrous black mane and tail, grey coat, and deep purple eyes, classiest mare you’ll ever meet, a nice pony, and a natural on the cello to boot. I swear she was born with a bow in her hooves the way she plays, funny that her cutie mark is a treble clef when cellos are played in bass clef. If that’s not discordant slap my flank and call me Octavia, because that’s the mare I’m referring to, silly filly Trixies are for foals. Now yours truly went down to Ponyville I was looking for a soul to steal I was in a bind cause I was way behind and I was willing to make a deal. When all of a sudden I come across this mare on the cello and playing it hot so I jump right up on a hickory stump and I say, “Girl let me tell you what I guess you didn’t know it but I’m a cello player too and if you care to take a dare I’ll make a bet with you. Now you play a pretty good cello girl but give Discord his due, I’ll bet a cello of gold against your soul because I think I’m better than you.” Now she said, “My names Octavia and it might be a sin but I’ll take your bet and you’re going to regret because I’m the best that’s ever been.” Octavia rosin up your bow and play your cello hard cause Tartarus broke loose in Ponyville and I’ll be dealing the cards. If you win you get this shiny cello made of gold but if you lose then I will take your soul. Well I opened up my case and I said, “I’ll start this show.” and fire flew from my fingertips as I rosined up my bow and I pulled the bow across my strings and it made an evil hiss then a band of Changelings joined in and it went a little something like this, insert epic cello solo. When I finished Octavia said, “Well your pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it’s done! Fire on the mountain run colts run, Discords in the house of the rising sun! Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough! Granny does Wynona bite? No child no!” Then I bowed his head because I knew that I’d been beat and I laid that golden cello on the ground at Octavia’s hooves. Octavia said, “Discord just come on back if you ever want to try again because I told you once you son of a gun I’m the best that’s ever been!” She played, “Fire on the mountain run colts run, Discords in the house of the rising sun! Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough! Granny does Wynona bite? No child no!” Ah good times, it never gets old losing to somepony truly better than me. What, you thought I hated being sealed in stone? Au contraire mon Cherie, all part of my plan, I’ve been around for long enough that if I really wanted to I could turn Equestria on its head for an eternity, and yet, it is so beautiful without the touch of chaos. Truth is stranger than fiction, likewise Equestria without me can be just as chaotic. So if I am the villain it is because ponies see me as the villain. I could just as easily be the Canterlot court jester and the funniest creature in all Equestria it’s all a matter of perspective. I mean just look at all the fan art, stories, and music, to tell the truth I’m flattered. Now if you’ll excuse me that angry little brony Pony Bones is trying to strangle me for posting his My Little Pony pictures on Facebook.
Playing Discord's Advocate“I stuck around Canterlot when I saw it was time for the Changelings, disabled Celestia and the mane six, Princess Cadence screamed in vain. I rode a windigo held a Commander’s rank when the famine raged and the ponies froze. Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name, ah what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” Let’s just assume for a second that you can trust anything that I say, trust me when I tell you to row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream, which is why ponies are so afraid of waking up. At least that’s what Nurse Red Heart told me when I brought myself into existence, who else can claim they pulled themselves out of a hat? The only thing I can compare it to is George Thoroughbred’s Bad to the Pony Bones. My first words were, “HELOOOOOOOOOO NURSE RED HEART!” then she slapped me so hard I forgot what I was supposed to be and decided a draconequus wouldn’t be so bad. The only sad thing was after she slapped me she remembered she wasn’t supposed to exist for another twenty millennia but I promise you I never washed my face since. I bet your still trying to find out if there’s some deeper meaning to all this, I’ll never tell, but by the time you figure it out your brain will be so tied in knots you’ll be able to give a class at Navy boot camp! Actually based off of that and the fact that a story is a partial reflection of its author I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Pony Bones has one or two psychological issues, it’s a good thing nopony takes him seriously… I hope. You’d like him though, he’s real friendly especially when I draw cutie marks on his forehead after he falls asleep at the keyboard. As backwards as it sounds My Little Pony may be the only thing keeping him sane at this point. For today’s story, did I ever tell you about when I stood trial for loitering at Carousel Boutique, I don’t see what the big deal was I was just admiring Rairity’s hoofwork she’s practically the only unicorn that takes pride in what she does anymore. She said the store was open to paying customers only so when I asked her to make a suit for the ridiculously good price of a year’s worth of tapioca she refused and turned me in to the Royal Guard can you believe that? The most generous pony in Equestria denies a customer with good tapioca and then claps him in irons. Get this though the best part was my defense attorney was none other than Twilight Sparkle the very pony responsible for sealing me in stone! Woohoohoohoo, you should have seen her cerebrum fry when she heard that she would be defending me, come on now you can’t tell me that’s not funny. She pretends that she’s better than me but really we’re not that much different, all you have to do is spend a day in Ponyville and you have a seventy five percent chance of the town burning down as a result of her “friendship studies.” The only difference is her “studies” are “sanctioned” by her Royal Highness Princess Celestia. Noticed how I used my fingers to emphasize the quotation marks, that’s so you know I’m being sarcastic! Wait you can’t notice because I’m eating the alphabet soup I used to put this story together. I wouldn’t be so hungry if I wasn’t sealed in stone! I’m not complaining though, with features as chiseled as mine who would? Where was I? Oh yes, the trial couldn’t have gone any better, “The verdict is guilty off with my head!” Twilight looked like she was at the end of her rope it was priceless, sighing heavily, rolling her eyes and facehoofing, “Discord, Princess Celestia hasn’t even entered the courtroom yet.” “Oh.” I took the time to buzz my lips while I flicked them with my fingers, I love doing that! “It’s a good thing I have you as my defense attorney to remind me of all this.” “The death penalty isn’t even legal by Equestrian law; the worst penalty is eternal banishment.” “How would you know, are you immortal?” It’s hysterical how she can give me such a condescending look, if she only knew, she was correct that the death penalty is illegal but Nightmare Moon’s sentence of banishment was “eternal” and you all know how that turned out. The Equestrian definition of eternal banishment only applies to mortal ponies. “All rise for the honorable Princess Celestia!” Shining Armor barked out with his best commander’s voice. Celestia looked as though she was in pain as she sighed, “Be seated, the prosecution will state it’s case.” “Your maaajesty, may I first say thaaaank you for hearing my case.” “You may.” Celestia said rubbing her forhead, Throwing my voice and raising the tone a little bit I stated the obvious, “Coughkiss up.” Princess Celestia fixed me with her death glare trust me you never want to be on the receiving end of those. I pointed at my defense, what else was she there for anyways? “Twilight did it!” “What, no I didn’t!” “Did too!” I replied sticking my tongue out “But I heard you.” “ORDER IN THE COURT!” Celestia shouted smashing her hoof down on the podium I had to peel my face from the wall it had been plastered to as a result of the blast of air that had rattled the windows in their frames, I pride myself at bringing out the best in Princess Celestia. “The prosecution will continue with its accusations!” Rarity looked as though she had just witnessed Prince Blue Blood apply for a job at Sweet Apple Acres, but straightening her mane she continued, this time cutting to the chase sensing Celestia’s irritation with the case. “Your majesty, the defendant refused to leave my Boutique and when I politely asked him to vacate he coated the place with tapioca!” “Does the Prosecution wish to say anything else at this time?” Celestia asked in a tone that obviously said loaded question, BANG! “No Your majesty.” Rarity said shaking her head for emphasis, “I may regret asking but does the defendant have a statement?” “Yes your majesty I’ve have prepared this statement especially for the occasion, twinkle, twinkle little Twilight with your adorable pink and purple highlight. Up above Equestria you fly like a freeway in the sky.” “The defendant will control himself or he will be found in contempt of court.” I just love it when Celestia uses the Royal Canterlot voice, it gives me shivers and reminds me of the good old days. “Begging your pardon your majesty but what does that even mean?” “THAT’S IT, I’M THROWING THIS CASE OUT! Loitering, honestly Rarity what are you a newborn filly? AND YOU DISCORD for living as long as you have you should know better! Your sentence will be cleaning up the tapioca in addition to thirty days hard labor at Carousel Boutique!” “I don’t know why you’re so upset it was an honest question.” It really was, didn’t she see my puppy eyes? The puppy eyes always used to work on Celestia, talk about a buzz kill. Oh well the sentence wasn’t that harsh, it was practically legalized loitering anyways, and the best part was I got to spend thirty days with the resident voted most beautiful mare in Ponyville, hey I just met you and this is crazy but here’s my number so call me maybe! Rarity looked as though she was about to spontaneously combust… twice, so I decided to push her over the edge. “Well darling looks like it’s just you and me for the next seven hundred twenty hours.” “Of all the things to happen, this is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!” Rarity said collapsing into her chair. I was about to leave the courtroom when Twilight stopped me, “Discord wait, what about my payment!?” “Oh yeah.” Picking Twilight up and sweeping her down in a sloppy wet kiss, “Stay beautiful sweetheart.” Hey I don’t have any bits and stallions don’t ever tell Twilight how charming she is, the cowards. It was probably the best thing I could do for her, probably... The way Twilight locked up at first I thought I had turned her into stone, then her face light up brighter than the time she chugged that bottle of hot sauce, I mean I was five seconds away from grilling a hotdog on her horn, and I went straight back to court after my first sentence was up. Breaking bricks in the hot sun I fought the law and the law won! I caught her checking me out while Rarity had me digging for jewels though, she said she was just building her case against me but her face said otherwise. No doubt hoping Celestia would put me to work in her library. I can see it now, “Oh Discord, could you put this heaaaavy book on the top shelf for me? I can’t reach that high.” “Anything for you doll.” So I’ll just wait until you scrub that semi disturbing image from your head, you good? Ok. I gave up trying to be an “upstanding citizen” of Equestria long ago, now I’m just a victim of my reputation. That doesn’t mean I’m not civil, just unorthodox, yet apparently it’s enough to condemn me. So I figure why not make a game out of it? By the way Pony Bones wound up thanking me for posting those pictures on Facebook, his sister got him a pony doll for Hearth’s Warming Eve. I would say it turned out better than planned, but how was I supposed to know what would happen?
Speak of Discord and he Shall AppearI watched with glee while your kings and queens fought for decades for the lands they claimed. I shouted out, "Who stole the elements?" when after all it was you and me. Let me please introduce myself I'm a creature of wealth and taste and I laid traps for the buffalo who fell before they reached Appleoosa. Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name, oh yeah. But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby. CONGRATULATIONS, you are reading Sympathy for Discord; I can tell you’re a person of taste, what that taste is I have no idea. Allow me to reach through the screen give you a high five, what are you going to leave me hanging? Actually I don’t know why anyone would read this story, the only reason Pony Bones puts his name to it is because he’s the one that pounds on the keyboard as I dance around his flying fists. Sometimes he forgets to edit before he posts and this is what it looks like, mcl;d5+6Lk%#);lgm[Kpojf;k+={\DKL;MV*(^%lbg13f’l;h2ore*H(T*UETR*(hprg*&]E#%Ry89S?$2ROj3@#! How he gets this story out of that I have no idea, but that’s one complicated tongue twister say it with me now! mcl;d5+6Lk%#);lgm[Kpojf;k+={\DKL;MV*(^%lbg13f’l;h2ore*H(T*UETR*(hprg*&]E#%Ry89S?$2ROj3@#! Sometimes I wonder if there were a zombie pony apocalypse in Las Pegasus, would it stay in Las Pegasus? You know because what happens in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus but that could never happen because when you mix a zombie with a pony you get a Zamboni and there’s no ice to skate on in Las Pegasus. You’re probably wondering Tartarus who thinks about these things, well you’re looking at him, because if you sit around as long as I do you get to see all the hilarious things ponies do when they think nopony is watching. Call me a creeper or a stalker if you want but it wasn’t my choice, that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it though. Ponies wonder how I score so many mares, that’s easy the garden around my stone carcass is one of the most romantic locales in Canterlot. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen proposals, moonlight promenades, even originally composed serenades. So yeah brony I got game for centuries, Tartarus my entire life is a game, nopony told me the rules so I just decided to enjoy it. Nurse Red Heart says I have ADHD and gave me a prescription of Ritalin but I can never remember to take it, after all what’s the point cause levitation is possible. Your reply achieved and gone, there’s time for this and so much more. It’s typical to create a world, a special place of my design. To never cope or never care just use the key cause he’s alone. Did I ever tell you about the time I foalsat the Cutie Mark Crusaders? Now before you call Foal Protection Services on me allow me to assure you it had almost nothing to do with Twilight’s transfiguration. Actually it had nothing to do with it, YOU CAN’T PROVE I DID IT, well you actually could but, I’M SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT PLEASE DON’T TAKE ME OUT OF THE SHOW! It all started when I was on my painfully comfortable memorial in the Canterlot Gardens being all obedient and stuff when the precocious trio just fell out of the sky in a gaggle of feathers, manes, scooter, and wagon. Now I enjoy my stone prison as much as the next guy but when life hands you lemons you throw them back and add a few of your own. I think that’s how the saying goes; anyways they crashed into me helter-skelter generously shattering my concrete cocoon and before I even have time to yawn Applejack comes galloping around a hedge with a frustrated shout. “Scootuhloo how many tahmes do Ah have ta tell ya, ya cain’t perform ah Immelmann turn on ah scooter pullin’ ah wagin!? Are ya tryin’ ta kill mah sister?” Scootaloo gave Applejack her most heart wrenching puppy eyes, she should have those things registered for concealed carry, “Aww but Pinkie Pie does it with us all the time.” “Ummm, hello everypony? King of Discord here aren’t you going to scream and gallop for the hills like you usually do?” Applejack gave me an annoyed look as if it was an everyday occurrence that I had the privilege of drawing breath, “Ah hates ta axe ya this n’ Ah’m shur Ah’ll ruhgret it later but can Ah axe ya ta keep an ah on these three wahl Ah duliver these apples ta mah distribyater? If you do ah prahmis not ta have ya turned inta stone fer ah day.” She said winking for good measure. Oh the games a mare will play with your heart, intemperance will be the death of me, “Anything for you sugar, your compassion baffles me.” Raising an eyebrow skeptically Applejack appraised my sincerity, “Yeah well, if anythin happens ta one ah these fillies Ah garantee bein turned ta stone will be tha least ah yer wurries.” No pressure got it, snapping to attention and saluting smartly I replied, “Fear not fair Applejack Superfluous sorority sitting shall surely slip silently After an advantageously applicable and aspiring afternoon For frustratingly fantastic frivolity Exceeding expertise exactly eroding erroneous enigmas.” “Say wut now?” Picking the midget mark crusaders up in a squirming hug I assured Applejack, “They’ll be safe with me.” Shaking her head as if to clear the cobwebs out Applejack looked over her shoulder as she trotted away, “Just make sure they stay that way.” Setting the Cutie Mark Crusaders down they looked back faces full of confusion, I have that effect on ponies, “Whut happens now?” Applebloom asked. I sighed tiredly, “To be honest I’m not sure, I wasn’t expecting to be foalsitting today. What’s popular with the fillies lately?” “This guy sure is weird.” Scootaloo whispered a little too loudly to Sweetie Belle “What do you mean popular with the fillies?” Sweetie Belle asked cautiously. “Like what do you all do for fun?” I asked snapping my fingers and summoning some dice to snack on, what? I didn’t have a Momma to tell me, “Don’t eat what you play.” Sweetie Belle scratched her mane and said, “We just have Scootaloo pull us around in Applebloom’s wagon I guess.” Through a mouthful of dice I asked, “Well that can be fun but doesn’t it get old?” Scootaloo jumped around excitedly, “Oh and we also go on Cutie Mark Quests!” Cutie mark quests, I’ve been around long enough that if I wanted to I could get these impressionable fillies their cutie marks by the end of the day. It’s not that hard really all it takes is a little observation to find a ponies special talent nine times out of ten all you have to do is point it out to them. But I’ve also been around long enough to know that Applejack wouldn’t appreciate the method I would go about doing that. It’s much better when ponies discover their talent by themselves anyways. But cutie mark quests? These fillies needed help, I really shouldn’t but I can’t help myself sometimes. Twirling my beard in my fingers I offered, “I may be able to help you get your cutie marks.” “We’ve tried everything we can think of what makes you think you can help?” Scootaloo asked jadedly. Putting my divine flank on display I replied, “Because, unlike all the other ponies you’ve asked for help before you’ll see I don’t have a cutie mark.” Applebloom couldn’t follow my train wreck of thought and asked, “Then wha should we trust ya?” Placing my paw over my heart I said in my most modest voice, “Because I don’t need a cutie mark I just live to help ponies get ahead, then maybe I can get some well-deserved probation.” Applebloom was unimpressed, “Twahlaht told me ya live ta chase tail.” My patience was quickly running out, “Now that is unfair, what am I supposed to do when everypony’s naked?” Sweetie Belle’s face was the definition of perplexity, “But you’re naked.” “And you don’t have a cutie mark, what’s your point?” Oh, I could do this all day just for the Tartarus of it. Applebloom gave her best attempt at a threat, “Alraght we’ll trust ya, but don’t trah any funny stuff er Ah’ll tell ma sister.” I had an idea that might actually help with finding their cutie marks, I figured if I could get them on a big enough sugar rush they’d try as many things as they could in as little time as possible leaving only one thing left to attempt which would most likely be their special talent. Either that or they would crash from their high and I would be able to get some peace until Applejack finished her business and I’d make off looking like foalsitter of the year. It was a win, win, what could go wrong? “Have you girls ever heard of a drink called Monster?” Scootaloo stuck her tongue out with disgust, “I haven’t heard of it before, it doesn’t even sound good what pony names a drink Monster?” “Do you really want your cutie mark?” I asked folding my arms. “Yeah.” She said kicking dirt sullenly. I didn’t want to force them into something they didn’t want so I tried to pique their interest, “It’s not as bad as you think I promise, in fact I think you’ll like it.” Reaching through the space between the spaces I grabbed a plentiful variety of energy drinks ensuring to replace them with the local currency. No sooner had I put a can into their hooves, I found Applebloom climbing up to my head and useing my antlers for drumsticks on my dome, Scootaloo screaming at the top of her lungs rolling over my tail with her Tartarus on wheels, and Sweetie Belle belting out Apple Lavigne He Wasn’t. Which I have to say wasn’t actually that bad, in fact it was a lot better than many of the concerts I’ve been to, that filly has some serious pipes. Any second now they’ll get their cutie marks, Merciful Celestia make it soon! I had everything in perfect control until Twilight trotted around a hedge, and balked. I waved awkwardly, “Hello again.” “YOU! What are you doing here Discord?” Well I was already off to a bad start it’s not like I could make it any worse, “What do you mean what am I doing here? I belong here, this is my home.” She sighed and rolled her eyes as if I didn’t even deserve a chance to explain myself, “No I mean what are you doing out of your stone seal?” “Oh that, you know I just wanted to see your pretty face again.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a unicorn try to hide behind their mane before, but she didn’t say anything. My charismatic approach must be working, if I could just get with one of the Mane 6 I wouldn’t have to worry about being put back on the block. “Since this is my home maybe I should be asking, what you are doing here?” Yawning expansively she answered, “Aaaaahhhhhh, I spent all night working on a research project for Princess Luna and I’m wiped out but I have to present my findings.” “You should try some of these energy drinks!” Sweetie Belle said shoving one into her hoof excitedly. “I’ve never heard of an energy drink before but it sounds like just what I need.” I looked at the can that Sweetie Belle had given to Twilight, pony feathers, it was the Red Bull. Sweetie Belle, why the Red Bull, why? I swear it was one of those moments like in a movie where time just stops and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. She popped the tab, “TWILIGHT NO!!!” Of course it was too late, she put the can to her mouth and guzzled it sighing contentedly, “Ahhhh, I think it’s already working I feel better already.” “Yeah that stuff really gives you wings doesn’t it?” I said as casually as I could while Sweetie Belle just gaped in horror. “Well can’t keep the Princess waiting, Sweetie Belle you let me know if Discord starts causing any trouble ok?” Sweetie Belle did her best to give a coherent reply but all that came out was, “Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh Ahhh.” Without a second thought Twilight started flying to the Castle and then stopped in mid glide, “Wait a second… DISCORD!!!” Well there goes my probation, there are two sides to every story; both ponies will paint the stories in their favor. It’s not just me either the changelings had the same problem, they were hungry so they invaded Canterlot for food which happened to be love and friendship. I’m not saying the way they went about it was right but you’re going to tell me that starving them for their crimes isn’t cruel and unusual punishment? Somepony explain to me how this is a cartoon for little girls? Celestia has a heart colder than mine when I’m on rocks. And now for something completely different, wait what were we talking about? Sorry you’ll have to speak up I can’t hear you through the monitor, louder, louder, LOUDER! There now that half the neighborhood heard you are officially a brony! Live your life like it’s a cartoon, I triple Daring Do dare you! You haven’t lived until you’ve been whacked on the head with a giant wooden mallet. I do it to Pony Bones all the time when I catch him reading ship fics but it doesn’t stop him, it's like beating a dead horse. He’s a bit of a goon but don’t tell anypony. Author's Note Ok so the reason it took me so long to get this chapter done was I wrote a chapter's worth but couldn't come up with a good closing so I had to rewrite the whole thing, hope ya like it.
Dancing with DiscordPleased to meet you Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah But what's confusing you Is just the nature of my game. Just as every guard is a criminal and all the sinners saints. As heads is tails, just call me Rhapsody 'cause I'm in need of some restraint. So if you meet me have some courtesy, have some sympathy, and some taste. Use all your well-learned politesse or I'll lay your soul to waste, yeah. Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name, but what's puzzling you is the nature of my game, get down! I think every Brony’s introduction to My Little Pony can be summed up in One Week by Bare Naked Mares, double meaning, I love word play! Don’t deny it comedy without stupid puns would be like Seapple without coffee, unimportant until you don’t have it. I may be a flirt but my heart belongs to only one pony, she may have bruised it and shook it up a bit but nothing she does can ever change how I feel about her. You all know who I’m talking about, the lovely the charming Screwball. In the millennia of my existence I have never met a mare like her and I know I’ll never find another one like her when she’s gone, not only does she appreciate my humor and keep me in line; she’s a compulsive joker herself. Other ponies don’t seem to understand you can’t take life too seriously; you’re going to die either way, no sense living in Missouri, excuse me, misery I get the two confused sometimes. Live what you watch and, “Giggle at the ghosties.” Just live your life EHehEHehEHeh. Where is Missouri anyways, and why do I know about it? Pony Bones has to stop writing this story soon it’s confusing to have a foot in two worlds. Do I look like Hannah Maretanna? Because I know I’m not getting the best of both worlds, yes I just went there. I like the Van Hooven version better anyways. You know when I first met Screwball I literally fell for her? I wish I hadn’t fallen on her though not very classy of me. It was back in the day when I ruled Equestria and don’t bother asking about the timeline because it’s more convoluted than hoofball bat at a hockey game, which I don’t recommend trying. To this day Celestia herself couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened. It all started when I was floating down Bon Bon Street as a parade balloon at Mardi Grass having the time of my life. Nopony does masquerades like Baton Rein, but I look down an alley and I see a mare crying. Now you know me if you’re at a party and you’re not having a good time I’m going to do what I can to fix that. So I floated over to introduce myself but I wasn’t watching where I was going and I crashed into a balcony and landed on her back knocking her over. “Oww.” She groaned wincing in pain. “Please forgive me Madame allow me to help you up.” I said offering my paw. “Ohh, you should be more careful next time that really hurt.” She replied accepting my offer. “I truly am sorry, actually I came over here to see if you were doing alright but I kind of ruined that didn’t I?” “It’s alright, I’ll be fine.” She said wiping her eyes and opening them. When we saw each other we both had completely opposite reactions, of course I was smitten on first sight. If her eyes were oceans then consider me drowned but as soon as she understood who she was speaking with she flew into a panic and fell to her knees. “Forgive me your Majesty I should not have obstructed your flight.” “Don’t worry about it really, and please rise. It seems you know me but I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you.” She stared at the ground dismally and hesitated before answering, “My name’s… Screwball.” “Well Screwball aside from me blundering into you just now would you mind telling me why you’re so upset?” She hesitated just a bit more but couldn’t hold back, she sat down in tears and explained, “My pegasi friends were making fun of me, They told me I’d never be able to fly with my helicopter beanie!” My heart broke right there, I don’t understand how Ponies can be so beautiful and so ugly at the same time but I knew this was the mare I wanted to be with until she passed on. “What do they know, listen to me sweet heart, if you want to fly with your beanie don’t let anypony tell you that you can’t.” “But I already tried it, it doesn’t work!” She said throwing her beanie on the ground. It is so good to be Discord sometimes, a little bending of aeronautic physics and I knew I could put a smile back on her face. Picking up the beanie and pawing it to her I said, “Why don’t you give it another try what could it hurt?” “What couldn’t it hurt?” She said crossing her cannons and scowling. “Aww don’t be like that, I’m not going tell you that it won’t hurt sometimes but I guarantee it will be worth it. Besides just think of the looks on your so called friends faces when you’re on their level.” Uncertainly she took the beanie and put it on her head again and started up the little rotor. “CONTACT, here she goes folks the Amelia Wing Heart of Baton Rein! They told her it couldn’t be done but look at her now already three feet off the ground!” Looking down she saw that she was indeed hovering and without warning she half crashed half glommed onto me. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Then once again she remembered who she was talking to and blushed redder than Cheerilee with a fever, I’m not going to lie my face was feeling a little warm too. “Forgive me your Majesty that was presumptuous of me.” “Ahem EHERM, All is forgiven, uhhh actually may I escort you through the skies tonight milady?” I said offering my elbow Screwball got over her initial nervousness quickly and smiled as she accepted my proposition, “Please lead the way your Highness.” Yes we can dance if we want to we can leave your friends behind cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine. I miss those days more than anything, we left her friends slack jawed in the dust, it tears me up that I can’t live it over again. A life can only be lived once and that includes me, one day I will face my reckoning also. There’s not much that can set me off, I’m fairly laid back, but when she’s forced to live in hiding for association with my usurpation, that’s just wrong. Being the sweetheart she is, she still visits me when she can. Hah, just when you thought this story was just shallow stupidity I had to go and drop a moral in to it, mind blown, and don’t tell me I can’t do it I’m Discord I do what I want! The moral of the story is don’t try to fly with a helicopter beanie unless I’m there. I would ask for somepony to save me from myself but I’m having too much fun! Oh and if you don’t favorite this story you will be haunted for all time wondering what would have happened if you did favorite it, can you live with that? Actually I don’t know how you can’t favorite this story anyways, this chapter is totally adorable, in fact let me click the favorite button for you. Author's Note Good gravy this chapter was sooooo much fun to write, I haven't written like this since I first signed up for FIM Fiction. To my loyal readers, thank you all for the comments and the favorites, this chapter's for you! Now I'm going to sleep.
Discord Wears PradaSorry that’s the end of the song; the only thing left is the redundant outro. I ask for your lenience, ain’t nopony got time to read that, because I know I don’t have time to write it. Don’t panic though it’s not the end of the story I’ve got what you all came for. Pony Bones and I tried to time it so the story would wrap up the same time as the song, it doesn’t matter I’ll go acapella like Slim Stallion. WARNING! This story causes sidesplitting laughter… literally. Not a bad way to go if you ask me, that’s how I’d want to go out. Laughing in the face of death is so much better than living in fear of life. Dadgom Pony Bones got me good this time, with one of the oldest tricks in the book no less. Have you ever woken up with shaving cream in your hand when you rub your eyes? Yeah, he must have gotten tired of all the horse apples I was giving him, what I want to know is how he pulled it off. I never sleep, so if you want to pull a fast one on me you have to wake up pretty early, cause I wasn’t born yesterday. Oh well I had it coming it’s about time he got his. I thought you’d like to hear a more recent story, I haven’t been this excited to share good news since… last chapter! I’m not going to say that I never meant what I said about Celestia earlier because frankfurterly that would be about as true as a five pound stick of bologna. However I am willing to call it water under the bridge now that I’ve got some elbow room to Lean Like a Polo. Also this is my public apology to Fluttershy for the Tartarus I put her through during my reformation, it wasn’t fair to vent my frustration on her. Just because I never got my fair chance doesn’t mean I have the right to ruin other pony’s lives. I’m just grateful she had the patience and kindness to put up with me until I got my act together. You’d think with how much I’ve been stalling this story must not really be that important. Well that’s the end, thank you for reading! Oh, you’re still here, darn. Next time I’ll have to write a sentence a chapter to find out how much patience everypony has before they start disliking the story. So go ahead hit the dislike button until it breaks for all I care, I’ll keep laughing until I get a hernia! Allow me to cut to the chase, sure it’s old news that I’m back on the streets of Equestria but you probably didn’t know than that Celestia granted Screwball clemency and then invited us to the Grand Galloping Gala. So if it sounds like I’m making more sense than usual it’s because I was so dumbstruck I tied my tongue in knots to make sure I hadn’t harmonized. I sphill haphenth goth the knoth outh. Our night started out like any other night before an agonizingly refined hoedown, cleaning up in the Canterlot Caverns. “Dissy, when you’re ready would you mind giving me a hoof? This subterranean aquifer is not doing my mane justice.” Screwball’s musical voice echoed off the cave and crystal walls making her a choir of one. “Since when has anypony done us justice? I’ll be right there.” I grumbled stepping into my stilettos. Screwball stuck her head through a crack in the cave wall, “What’s wrong Discord I thought you of all creatures would be bouncing off the walls now that you’re free. Do I need to tell Celestia to turn you to stone again to give you more personality?” Screwball wasn’t kidding when she said she needed help with her mane, if we were above ground I would have said she was about to be struck by lightning and in spite of all that she was still gorgeous. Removing my antler I bent it into an impromptu comb and started working out the knots, “Thanks Screwy it means a lot that you still care for me after all this time but I’ve had quite enough of being a draqonikin. If I had anymore personality they would have to wrap me up in a spider web straight jacket.” “And then you would be all left hooves on the dance floor, Discord it’s been such a long time you better not have gotten rusty.” Kissing her on the cheek I promised, “Never.” You’re probably wondering what I’m doing in a beret, dress, and stilettos and what Screwball is doing in a pinstripe suit and fedora, well Equestria still sees us as the villains so why not fulfill the stereotype? Besides who else would go to the Gala as Bunny and Clydesdale? We rolled up to the Royal Ball Room in the way only we could. In a burning refrigerator, I handed the reins to the slack jawed valet, opened the door for Screwball and stepped onto the red carpet. All conversation stopped, everyponies eyes immediately locked onto us. “Well hiya folks, if you stare long enough I might do a trick!” “Behave yourself.” Screwball said squeezing my paw. Cutting through the crowd of kneeling ponies Princess Luna welcomed us in the old Equestrian style I am so fond of, “WE BID THEE GOOD EVENING FAIR SCREWBALL AND DISCORD!” “AND A FINE EVENING TO THEE AS WELL, WE THANK THEE FOR THY KIND RECEPTION YOUR MAJESTY!” I love using my big draqonious voice, have you ever yelled at someone just to yell at them and seen the color drain from their face? The only thing better is when they actually roll with it and you have a completely civil conversation at the top of your lungs, try it sometime. “THE PLEASURE IS OURS, WE THANK THEE FOR JOINING IN OUR FESTIVITIES, PLEASE COME IN!” We made our way to the front of the reception line and hooved our tickets to the door pony to the hostile stares of the dignitaries in line. They looked so upset I blew them a kiss to fix their hurt feelings but I don’t think it worked. The DJ was a good friend of mine, Vinyl Scratch, so I made my way to her turntables. “Hey Vinyl, long time no see.” “You’re telling me, and I see you’re back with Screwball, how’s it going girl?” “Screwy as usual.” Screwball curtsied and tripped in a giggling pile, did I mention I love that mare? “Tell you what this parties pretty dull right now how about a duet?” I brushed my claws on my neck, “Oh I don’t know these ponies never did appreciate my singing." “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” “As a matter of fact.” I reached down my throat and pulled out a drenched and rather unhappy looking Opal, looking across the court I saw Rarity stalking Prince Blueblood, yeesh, why do all the good mares have no taste in coltfriends? I shrugged and tossed Opal over my shoulder into an urn that would take her back to Carousel Boutique “Huh Sweetie Belle must be house sitting for her sister, I hope the boutique is still standing.” Vinyl fell over her turn tables laughing until the music skipped drawing some annoyed glances from nearby guests, “That joke never gets old, but seriously when has a tough crowd stopped you from crashing a party?” “Pleeeeeease Dissy it’ll be fun!” and Fluttershy thought her stare could be intimidating, hah, nothing compared to Screwball’s puppy eyes. “How can I refuse two beautiful mares? Vinyl the mics please.” “Coming right at you.” She said passing us a set, “What about your beats?” “Surprise us.” I said over my shoulder heading towards the stage. Vinyl winked through her sunglasses and reached up to her dustier LP section, “I’ve got just the song for you.” Johneigh Cash and Jane Canter came crackling over the speakers, how fitting, snapping my fingers I dimmed the lights and swung a spotlight in our direction. “Hey colts this is the time when you want to slow dance with your mare, I could lie here forever and listen to the falling rain. I didn’t think I would ever be touched this way again. Until you came you smiled at me and rolled away the years. Back to a place where there was time enough to love, and love enough to give, you give me that old time feeling.” When we were done I squinted into the spotlight, no flying tomatoes or eggs just silence… Then slowly a stamping of hooves, “Encore! Encore! Encore!” Screwball jumped up and kissed me on the cheek, “See Dissy, they don’t hate you as much as you thought they did.” “And that’s why you’re my better half darling, so what do you think should we oblige them?” I said bowing to the crowd. “Why not? Hey Vinyl kick it up a notch would you?” “I was wondering when you’d ask.” Vinyl said throwing her hoof up and head banging. The grinding sound of the Equicide Machines started blaring over the speakers, now we’re talking. I started slam dancing across the stage, “HEY, What I like about you, you hold me tight! Tell me I’m the only one gonna come over tonight! Yeah, keep on whispering in my ear; tell me all the things I want to hear! Cause that’s true that’s what I like about you!” The expression of the crowd went from admiring fans to a frantic stampede to get out the door, by the end of the song it was just Vinyl, Screwball, and I. “Looks like we’ve got the dance floor to ourselves ladies.” “And the hors d'oeuvre table too.” Screwball said licking her lips, “I’m starving.” “Nopony can say this is a Gala they’ll forget.” Vinyl said dancing over to an exotic looking fruit tray. “I’ll drink to that.” I said up ending a punchbowl over my head and sipping the glass through a crazy straw then carefully setting the punch back where it came from. “We really brought the house down didn’t we?” Screwball said through a mouthful of cake. “Just like old times, right Celestia?” Vinyl spat out the star fruit she had been snacking on and fell to her knees, Celestia just smiled mischievously with a raised eyebrow, “Enjoying yourselves I see.” “Yes, your majesty.” Screwball and I said bowing in unison. “Just don’t get carried away, the court isn’t as spirited as it used to be.” “Perish the thought your majesty, we shall, as they, say wind it down.” I said pulling a wind up key out of my back. Celestia allowed herself a reserved giggle, “It’s good to have you back Discord.” AND THE CROWD GOES WILD! I never thought I’d get Celestia to admit that, it just goes to show life without Discord may be pleasant but it sure is boring. Pony feathers, all this sentimentality is making me philosophical. That’s what Pony Bones gets for grabbing a draqonious by the tail. You’ve been a wonderful audience, I’d give you all a pie, but I’ve got a pie fight with Screwball after the Gala. I can’t believe nopony will buy Applejack’s home cooked goods, oh well more for me! Catch ya’ll on the flip side! Author's Note Had this one up my sleeve for a little while till I could get it right, your favorites, likes, and comments are what fuel this story to new heights of ridiculousness, thank you, goodnight.
Special Chapter Twas The Night Before Hearth's WarmingAs told by Her Royal Highness Princess Luna Twas the night before Hearth's Warming and all through the castle not a creature was stirring, why bother the hassle? The incomprehensible socks were hung by the hearth with care in hopes that Saint Nicker soon would be there. The foals were nestled all snug in their beds no visions of factories, cupcakes, or sheds, while Celestia in her nightgown and We with Our snacks had just settled our bones for a long winter’s nap. When out in the courtyard there arose such a ruckus, it sounded like a guard had fell on his tokus. Away to the window We flew in a flurry and opened the curtains with a quickness and a hurry. Clinching Our teeth against the freezing slurry, Our moon shone on the new fallen snow giving the luster of midday to the courtyard below. When what to Our wandering eyes should encroach but a little tiny sled and eight tiny jackalopes. With a gangly old driver so awkward and boor We knew in an instant it must be King Discord. More rapid than lightning his coursers they came and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. “Now Slacker, now Smacker, now Flouncer and Trixie! On Grommet on Eunice on Bomber and Schnitzel! To the top of the court to the top of the wall! Now Dashie’s too tall, so just watermelon crawl and be sure you don’t fall!” Then with an inkling We heard on the roof the stomping and clomping of each little brute. As We drew in our head and knocked off Our crown down the chimney King Discord came like a clown. He wore belled spurs on each mismatched foot and his clothes were all sticky with licorice flutes. A bundle of ploys he had flung on his back and he looked like a hobo covering his tracks. His eyes how they squinted, his dimples how scary, his cheeks were like boulders, his nose leaked without caring. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a crow, and the beard on his chin was frosted with snow. The stump of a pipe he clinched in his fangs and his tail on the hearth had burst into flames. He had a long face and a tawny, scrawny belly that squirmed as he danced in pain, yelling. He was uncouth and crass, a right horrid old whelp, and We laughed when We saw him in spite of Ourself. With a wink of his eye and a twist of his back, soon gave Us to know that We need not attack. He spoke naught a word but went straight to his work, he filled all the socks with a promiscuous twerk. Then laying his claw aside of his nose and giving a nod up the chimney he rose. He stumbled to his sled, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like a delicious down thistle. We heard him exclaim ere he rode out of sight. “Happy Hearth's Warming to all, now go fly a kite!” Author's Note A Christmas gift from King Discord himself. My apologies to Mr. Clement Clarke Moore may he rest in peace. It's been a while since I've written, so let me know what you think.
Discord and Tom TrotterGoooooooooOOOOOOOOOD MORNING EQUESTRIA! I’m surprised I still have readers after all this time. Either I’m funnier than I thought I was or Pony Bones is really scraping the bottom of the barrel, who knew he’d stoop so low? Because we’re no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of; you wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. I bet you never thought you would get Rick rolled on a fan fiction website, you can’t escape the Rick roll it will always find you! Oh, Pony Bones is telling me to watch my mouth again, better pull out my eyes and do it, POP! It’s not like I need to watch my mouth when so many other ponies are watching it for me. Why can’t I use their eyes since I’ve already caught them? Comedy is such a serious business now days. But we got pony’s heads spinning like records right round, baby right round, and your song is stuck on replay until it skips, until it skips, until it skips, until it, until it skips off the player! Everypony said last chapter was too mellow and logical for the King of Discord. Fear not, I the benevolent Discord have heard thine belly aches and I promise I’m going out with a bang on this last chapter. You won’t believe it, I had this great idea for a flight exhibition team you know since I’m royalty and I’m not frozen to a concrete commode anymore, but Celestia said, “No, no, just no, never, not ever, no way!” I mean Celestia has the Wonderbolts, Luna has the Shadowbolts so what’s wrong with me wanting to establish the Blunderbolts? I think they would be sensational like, like a flying circus! Wait that’s been done before Captain Marefred von Richthofen if I’m not mistaken, but you get what I’m saying, it’s going to happen one day. You’re probably asking yourself, “Is this draqonious stupid?” Sure, I’m stupid but that doesn’t mean I’m ignorant! There’s a big difference between education and life experience. Because while I may not be able to tell you much about the abstract nuances from the prestigious halls of education, I can tell you about what I’ve seen of Equestria and that’s enough to rock the socks off Princess Celestia. For some reason those socks are now worn by a baseball team from a strange land called Chicago. Home of the notorious gangster Al Capony mastermind behind the Hearts and Hooves day massacre. Wait, who’s telling this story again? I think Pony Bones just went out back and sold his brain to Wetzel’s Pretzles. Oh well it’s not like he needed one anyways. So back in the day in the woods just outside of Baltimare there lived a miserly stallion that lived nearby named Tom Trotter. There was only one pony in Baltimare who was stingier, and that was his wife. They squabbled over the spending of a bit and each swiped the food of the other. It was like the Jerry Springmare of colonial Equestria it was great. Although I don’t see what the big deal was, they should have just taken some coupons to Saddle N’ Save that’s what I did to pay off Screwball’s college loans. I’m so proud of her she’s got a PHD in comedy. Her valedictorian speech had everypony rolling in the aisles. One day Tom was trotting out in the woods to clear his head from his wife’s constant nagging and to possibly scrounge up a dinner that he would most certainly be denied if he returned home. When he stumbled over a treasure chest buried under a pile of leaves. “What are you doing in my grounds?” I asked, resting on a stump for I thoroughly enjoy resting on stumps and stone pedestals. By the look of surprise on Tom’s face you would have thought that a draqonious had popped out of thin air in front of him. That happened to me once, almost scared the taste out of my mouth until I realized it was a reflection. Once he had finished with his screaming and sputtering he asked, "Who are you?” "I go by different names in different places," I replied. "In some countries I am the mad miner; in some the hooligan huntsman; here I am the wily woodman. I am the patron of Zebra wranglers and master of Salem phookas." "I think you are Discord!" blurted Tom. Pulling a flashing neon sign out of my mouth I hung it next to my head and replied with a theatrical bow. "Since you want to put words in my mouth. Yes I am the one and only King Discord at your service." “There is a reward for your capture, I could turn you in.” I couldn’t say I was surprised but being judged by my reputation alone still gets on my nerves. “You could but then who would I share this accursed treasure with?” I could see the hamster wheel spinning in Tom’s head, was a treasure worth a curse? Much to my amusement since Tom had lived with Mrs. Trotter for such a long time he had no fear of any curse, and he sat down to inquire about the chest he had stumbled over. I casually told him this was the treasure of the notorious Pirate Captain Filly the Kidd and anypony could find and keep it at the small price of abandoning their friends. To my surprise greedy old Tom declined my offer. Who knew Tom had friends to abandon? He told his wife about it, and she was furious with him for not having sealed the deal immediately, declaring that if he didn’t have the guts to get the treasure she would do it. “It’s like I have to do everything myself around here! You don’t even remember our anniversary if I don’t remind you!” She wailed louder than an air raid siren. “It’s not that I forget it’s that I don’t want to remember.” Tom muttered bitterly. “Well shows how grateful you are for all I do. I know plenty of stallions who would swim through a sea of nails to be married to a mare like me.” What are you looking at me like that for? That’s what she said I can’t make this up. Tom decided not to stop his wife. If she got the treasure he would try to get his share of it, and if Discord took her away… Well, there were worse things that could happen. When they say Tartarus hath no fury like a mare slighted, you best believe that’s Faust’s truth. Mrs. Trotter came stalking through the woods just before sundown, with her spoons in her apron. King of Discord as I am Mrs. Trotter opened a can on my royal flank. Would you believe I had a full beard down to my knees before that fight? I had been working on it for seven hours and she ripped it out! It was all fun and games up to that point. I threw her so far she woke up in another story where she died of a heart attack when her husband got lost in the woods, went bowling with the green ponies of the mountains, and fell asleep for fifty years. Good riddance to her I say. When Tom discovered that the spoons were gone he came after Mrs. Trotter, to get the spoons back. He never found his wife. Her apron was flung over a telephone pole that hadn’t been invented yet, the area around there had been trampled and strewn with hooffulls of my glorious beard. "Gadzooks!" Tom muttered, "Old Discord must have had a tough time with her." Half in gratitude and half in curiosity, Tom waited to speak to me, and was next day rewarded by seeing me come through the wood whistling carelessly. Wasting no time at all Tom confronted me about the treasure not his wife, for he wanted the treasure to himself. After some haggling I suggested that Tom should start a loan office in Fillydelphia and use Captain Kidd's money in extorting his clients. Then when his business had run its course he would spend the rest of his natural life cleaning out my refrigerator. Tom accepted, and promised to swindle fourteen percent interest a month out of the broke schmucks who might ask for his help. When he came into town with a bulging duffel bag ponies thought his wife had finally threw him out of his house. Little did they know it was really the treasure of Captain Kidd earned by long years of respectable piracy. Well respectable as compared to what Tom did. As time went on Tom found himself with the majority of Fillydelphia in his debt whether from a failed business loan, student loan, overdue rent or mortgage. Tom was a regular skinflint and only splurged on food for his wife had deprived him. Tom could see that his time as a money lender was short and he did not want to spend the rest of his life cleaning my refrigerator so he began wearing garlic necklaces. For some reason ponies think I despise garlic, they must have me confused with Vamponies. And really did he think that a garlic necklace would keep someone as eccentric as me away? Whatever the case one afternoon Tom was happily taking an unfortunate client’s rent. "You have made so much money out of me," wailed the victim of Tom's philanthropies. "May Discord take me if I have made a single bit!" exclaimed Tom. I had never heard such a hilarious proposition and from such a deplorable pony I had to take him up on his offer. So with Tom’s invitation I decided to collect my dues. With three knocks at the door, and Tom stepped out to see who was there. The money lender found himself in presence of his fate. I snatched him up like a colt and threw him over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and rode off into the swamp on a Harley Neighvidson singing For Whom the Sweetie Bells Toll. As I reached the trees a lightning flash descended into the swamp and exploded into zucchini jello. At the same moment Tom's house was discovered turned inside out. When his possessions were looted nothing was found in his treasure chests except chocolate coins. Oh Celestia I’m going to get sued for copyright infringement if not for first degree murder because I’m killing these jokes. I haven’t had this much fun since I told Princess Luna the moon was made out of cheese and made everypony think Celestia banished her when she left to find out if it was true. So this is it the last chapter, the grand finale, the end, la fin, owarida, end of the line, last bus leaving so adieu parting is such sweet sorrow. I’ve had a great time telling my little story and since I’m a draqonious of my word, Screwball would you mind lighting this fuse? Not my tail the fuse! Oops. Bang! P.S. Ha ha, oh I had ArtSmock panicking for a second there! Don’t worry I saved your note this time, even though I kept running into walls when Pony Bones put it on my forehead, we straight Brony. Let’s see what it says, take your Ritalin… Oops. P.P.S. Cartoons can’t cross over to real life, that’s just ridiculous. P.P.P.S. You can’t trust anything I say. Author's Note I'm back in the saddle again. It took me forever to get this chapter close to looking alright. Let me know what you think.
