Professional Courtesy

by Rainbooms Inc

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1204

Cross-dimensional visits are a tricky business, even for a god.

Luna finds out the hard way that sometimes, mythologies don't play well together.

Published 2012-11-26 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-26 00:00:01 UTC

Rendezvous

It was spring in Canterlot. The unicorns had done their customarily thorough job of changing the seasons, and not a spot of snow remained, from the cobbled streets to the highest parapets of the castle. The trees that lined the streets and filled the gardens of Equestria's capital were already dotted with pale green buds, and crocuses were blooming between them. In all the city, there was only one place where winter's chill still lingered. Unfortunately, it was in the palace's royal chambers.

Luna's horn glowed as she gingerly pressed the piece of gauze to her flank, hissing in pain as the disinfectant it was soaked in came into contact with her wound. Across the room, Celestia sighed.

“Come, sister. This is getting ridiculous.”

Luna didn't even look up.

“I am not speaking to you.”

“Yes, you are. You just did. Now will you please let me take a look at that? You know I've studied healing magic.”

The princess of the moon did look up at that.

“So much as twitch in my direction, and I will murder you.”

Her voice was as cold and calm as the sunless seas of the moon.

“That's uncharitable of you, sister.” Celestia stamped a hoof in frustration. “This wasn't even my fault.”

“Not your fault? Not your fault?!” Luna repeated as she snapped another length of gauze taut. “It's entirely your fault! It was your stupid idea in the first place.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “And it was a good idea. I can hardly be blamed because it didn't turn out exactly the way you hoped.”

“Oh, Luna, you need to get out more!” The younger princess's voice was a high-pitched mockery of her sisters. “I know there's a lovely little moon goddess two planes over. I'm sure you'd have so much in common!”

“I do not sound like that.”

“Whatever. The point is, you were the one so keen on me meeting her. You were the one who practically shoved me through the portal. You were the one who insisted I be corporeal because, quote, you'll want every sense when you get there, unquote. And you are the reason I came back with an actual arrow in my actual flank!.” She shot her injured hindquarters a mournful look. “I'm just lucky the shrieking harpies following your friend around were so much slower than she was.”

Celestia eyed the offending missile where it lay on the floor, still stained with her sister's blood. “That's what I mean. Deities from that plane don't generally shoot at their guests. You must have offended her somehow.”

“Or,” Luna ground out, “you forgot to take note of the fact that the playmate you were setting me up with was a murderous lunatic.”

“Nonsense.” Celestia tossed her head, ethereal mane rippling. “I'm sure I would have remembered something like that.”

“Then why don't we check the book?” Luna demanded as she pressed the last piece of her bandage into place. “I'm sure it could settle your senility.”

“Senility?” Celestia's eyes narrowed. “What are you implying, sister?”

“Nothing at all, sister. I'm sure it’s perfectly understandable, what with you being older than the universe and all.”

“I am not older than the universe! I am not even older than this universe!”

“Well, I wouldn't know, would I?” Luna shouted back. “I'm just your baby sister! I never get to do anything, except get arrows shot at me by your cronies!”

“I didn't want you to get shot with anything! It's hardly my fault you can be so irritating it drives people to murder! Though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised!”

“Just. Get. The damn. Book.” Luna said from between clenched teeth.

“Fine!” Celestia spun on her heels and stomped to the bookshelf that lurked unobtrusively in one corner of her private chambers.

The book in question was, in fact, many books: more than two dozen volumes bound in ancient, cracked leather. They were secured to the shelves with a chain of cold iron, onto which was etched ancient writs of sealing and binding, and over which, once a century, the names of dead empires were spoken.

The chain flew open as Celestia approached, and the princess of the sun snatched the relevant volume, flipping it open with a grimace. She hated consulting the Telecomnicon. It just felt so... melodramatic.

On the first page, inscribed in runes that would sear unschooled eyes to the back of the skull that housed them, were the words

A. Alhazred Messenger Service
Serving the Celestial and Cthonic Spheres since ****

“Neither rain nor snow nor the fiery tears that swallowed lost Carcosa shall stay us about our business.”

“Alright, here it is...” she muttered as she flipped through the worryingly stained pages. “Let's see here... Death? No, none of them... Delight? Dear me, how old is this edition? Demeter? Closer, but no. Desire, no. Despair, definitely not...” She flipped over several more pages. “What is wrong with that family...?”

“You're stalling.” Luna said bluntly.

“I am not. You can try to find her, if you think it’s so easy.” Celestia snapped. “I just need to get the hang of this damned alphabet. I know it's not D-E... “ She skipped over several hundred pages. “D-O? No, that's not it either.” A moment of backtracking later, she slapped a hoof against the page in triumph. “Here she is! Goddess of the moon!”

Luna glowered at her sister from across the room. “Keep reading.”

Celestia's eyes flicked back and forth. “She seems to have a lot in common with you, sister. Young, headstrong, virginal,” (“Ha!” Luna snorted under her breath) “sibling to the sun... Really, there's no reason here why you two shouldn't have gotten along like a house on fire. You just don't... oh...”

“Y-e-e-e-e-e-s?” Luna's grin was positively poisonous.

Celestia glared at the page, then at her sister, then at the page again. Her jaw clenched.

“Say it, sister.”

Celestia only glared.

“Well, if you don't want to...” Luna took a step closer.

“Alright,” Celestia snapped. “So she's also the goddess of the hunt. It's a minor detail. Anyone could have missed it.”

“The hunt.” Luna said flatly.

“Yes.”

“The hunt. As in, let's all get roaring drunk then go out and shoot at the first thing that looks unfamiliar. That kind of hunt.”

“If you say so.” Celestia's face was impassive.

“Does it say what she hunts, generally?”

“Not in any great detail. There is some mention of a golden stag.”

“Really. An exotic animal with four hooves. And you didn't see any reason why sending me to meet her” Luna reared back, displaying wings, horn, and hooves to full effect “could possibly end badly.”

“Yes, alright.”

Celestia shut the book with a snap. It yelped.

“I get it. It was an oversight on my part. But you can see, can't you, how it could have worked? We could try again. I'm sure there's another moon spirit out there without quite the same... conflict of interest. And you do need to get out more.”

“Celestia?”

“Yes?”

“I am not speaking to you.”

Luna stalked from the room, slamming the door behind her like a midwinter gale. Celestia sighed. Some days, she just couldn't win.