As a violet glow carried a large, heavy tome across the room to the waiting mint-green unicorn, the lavender librarian looked at the cover with a concerned look on her face.
“Ahh, Lyra? While I am happy to see you finally taking a serious interest in your unicorn training, don't you think that advanced summoning theory is a bit... advanced for a starting lesson?” The massive, Pinkie-sized grin she received only served to creep her out even more as she levitated several similar books from their resting places among the shelves. “I know you have an amazing talent at object manipulation, and music, but this is an entirely different field of study. Even I have trouble with these spells!”
“Oh, don't worry Twilight! I’ve always been a quick study. I graduated from the Canterlot School of Arts as it’s youngest alumni, at the top of my class. The only other pony to ever do that was an earth pony that played the cello.” Nodding enthusiastically, Lyra gripped the books with her own magic and quickly stashed them in her saddle bags.
“Yes, well. I’m just glad to see that you are giving up on all those old legends and fairytales you are always reading. That stuff is for little foals. Some real scientific study will serve you alot better than a bunch of old mare’s tales.” Twilight sniffed as she turned to gather another book from her collection. She failed to see the smile wilt behind her back at the mention of Lyra’s little obsession.
“Yea, heh heh. That stuff.” A bitter chuckle escaped the green mare. “I guess we all have to grow up sometime. Put away foalish things and all that.” She ended on a bitter note, looking down at her hooves. Her lifelong pursuit of her dream was always something that got her teased, but she knew she was right! Humans DID exist! She looked up just in time to plaster her smile back into place before the librarian turned around with the last book.
“Well that’s the last of them. Pretty heavy stuff, if I do say myself.” The lavender mare floated the last book into the telekinetic grasp of her friend. “If you need any help studying those, feel free to stop by. I’d be happy to help, or give you some lessons. I still suggest starting with the basics though, even of you learned them in magic kindergarten. A refresher never hurt.
“Yea, um. Sure thing Twilight!” Lyra chuckled nervously. I know just the pony to ask if I run into trouble. Umm, thanks again!”
“No problem, Lyra. I’ve actually been rather bored lately, since getting back from the Crystal Empire, and have been thinking about doing some tutoring for some of the unicorns in Ponyville. Miss Cheerilee really likes the idea, since she can’t teach much magic herself. It’d be nice to have another hoof with the foals, and you can learn while we teach!”
The idea of teaching foals made Lyra shudder. Untrained magic users could be dangerous. She set her own share of fires and explosions as a filly growing up. Thank Celestia she was accepted into advanced arts school and learned to better control her blossoming skills. Before she turned anypony into a piece of furniture that is.
“Umm, yea. I’ll, ahh... think about it. Kaythanksgottago!” and she bolted out the door and into the darkening evening.
Lyra quickly made her way home, and began to study. Most of the stuff was way over her head, but Twilight wasn't the only prodigy in Ponyville. What she lacked in raw power, she made up for with a quick wit and finesse. It took a disciplined mind to play music the way she did, and she applied that mind to quickly devouring the material. She had to hurry, since Bon Bon would be back in just over a month. The big candy expo, combined with visiting relatives in Manehatten gave Lyra some time to put her plan into action, and she had to be quick to pull it off before her roommate's return.
Within a week, Lyra was practicing the runes and incantations needed for the rituals. Two weeks and she was making small breakthroughs; summoning small objects like coins and gems. By the third week and she managed to summon a small bunny. It was the most adorable white rabbit she had ever seen, and she felt a strangely maternal urge to cuddle it. She then was able to practice her banishment spell when the bunny opened a mouth full of fangs and lunged for her throat. Thankfully she had read the proper books on protective wards. That was no ordinary rabbit, that was for sure. At least she didn't have to use the Holy Water Balloon that Pinkie Pie had given her.
Finally, after a month of intense study and practice, she was confident of her skills to put her plan into action. It was two days before Bon Bon would arrive, and she had one shot at getting this right. An entire day was spent in a small clearing just inside the edges of the Everfree Forest, clearing the area and preparing her wards. Since nopony would dare come into the forest, and she was safe from prying eyes. All the runes and wards were in place, and the reagents placed in bowls in the proper locations around the summoning circle. She checked and double checked every line in the complex grid, and was glad she had bribed the local weather pony to keep the area clear and windless for the ritual. A fallen twig in the wrong place would spell disaster, but she couldn't afford to try this indoors where she may be spied on. Finally, with a sigh of relief, she placed the last object inside the circle, a pair of clay hands, modeled after Twilight’s dragon assistant’s claws. She was ready to begin.
Closing her eyes, she began to channel the spell. She had actually taken Twilight up on her offer of a few lessons, and she learned a bit about channeling magic from her environment, to augment her own power. The Everfree was undeniably a focus of massive chaotic energy, which could be channeled by unicorns. Most did not dare for fear of the corrupting influence of the chaotic forest, but she was not strong enough to perform such a spell unaided. She felt the power flowing towards her and focusing on the tip of her horn, as an aura began to form around it. A violent wind began to blow around the clearing, seeming to be stopped by the wards, forming a bubble of calm air in the center. As the light from her horn grew bright enough that it was painful through her closed eyelids, she felt one last push of energy snap from her horn, and leap to the clay hands in the center of the ring. With a loud static crack, the wind stopped and the magic released all at once. She collapsed to the ground, wind was knocked out of her, and she felt her consciousness dim after the release of so much power.
After a moment of weakness, she surged back to her feet, quickly checking the defensive wards were still in place. Only after she was sure of her own safety, did she dare to look to the center of the summoning area, gasping at what she saw there. It was pale, like her marefriend, but shaped nothing like a pony, while Reddish fur topped its head, and sprouted sparsely in other places, but otherwise it seemed to be totally bare. She had read that these creatures often wore clothes, but the summoning spell had a hard time bringing both living and inorganic matter through intact. She had erred on the side of caution and modified the spell to only bring something living. For a moment, she thought she had messed up, because the creature wasn't moving at all.
Oh, dear Celestia, she had killed it! Her first contact with a mythical human, and she had killed it with her magic! Quickly she ran towards it, giving it a cursory inspection. Two legs, two arms, like a minotaur. Hands! Yes, holy Luna on a stick, it had HANDS! And feet, and toes, and fingers, and... Hello? Well it appeared that “it” was a “he”. A wicked grin crossed her face as she noticed that not-so-little difference, then she sighed, remembering her marefriend would be back soon. Suddenly she remembered her panic, and placed an ear to the creature’s chest, listening for signs of life. Her grin returned and she let loose a little squee as she heard a heartbeat, and ragged breathing. She saw the chest rising and falling slowly, confirming life was still present in the creature’s frame. No, not creature. The HUMAN!
Happily bouncing up and down in excitement, she began to cackle. She did it! She summoned a human! After all the years of ridicule and embarrassment, she had proof that they existed. Even her special somepony, Bon Bon would finally have to admit that the years of putting up with the other mare’s weird habits actually had an outcome. Lyra could finally learn all about chairs, walking on two legs, and HANDS! Wonderful, beautiful hands! Oh, and feet, don't forget feet. She knelt down to nuzzle the little nubs on the end of the appendages, so much like fingers, but strange and new. She let loose a little sneeze at the smell, wrinkling her muzzle. Ok, mebbe feet weren't as cool as hands.
Finally calming down from her little joygasm enough to take stock of her situation, she realized that the human was still fast asleep. She poked him with a hoof in the side, eliciting a grunt in response. She tried tickling his face with her tail, only to get it batted aside by a hand. A small thrill ran through her as she imagined that hand grabbing her tail and giving a tug. All sort of naughty thoughts followed; every one of them involving hands. She gave another squee of pleasure at the thought.
After still failing to get him to awake, she remembered one of the fairytales of humans and sleeping princesses. Slowly, she bent down and very gently placed her lips on the face of the creature, blushing as she very tenderly kissed him awake. She was about to give up, sighing sadly, when she felt something lodge itself in her mane, while her head was pulled back down. Her muzzle smashed against the furless mouth of the human, and her gasp allowed his tongue to enter unbidden. Her shock dissolved into pleasure as she leaned into the kiss, letting her own tongue caress and explore the inner lining of the creature’s mouth. She felt the jagged canines, sending a thrill of excitement through her at the danger she was in. This was no peaceful herbivore, this was a dangerous predator!
Her reverie was short lived, as the pressure on her head was released, and she pulled back, looking down at the strange creature from her childhood dreams with a besotted grin. His eyes slowly opened, just like in the old tales, and he smiled back tenderly. Then it all went wrong.
Suddenly his eyes flew fully open, and a look of horror overtook his face. He yelled out something unintelligible, and began scrambling away in confusion. More gibberish spewed forth, as Lyra backed away slowly in her own confusion. The creature was now yelling very heatedly, and pointing one of it’s fingers at her. She focused on the digit, then turned around to see what he was pointing at. Not seeing anything, she looked back to see him gaping open eyed at her, fear clear on his alien face, despite its strange appearance.
“Um, hello?” She tried to speak, but the sound of her voice seemed to trigger a new wave of agitated screaming and noise, as the creature babbled incoherently at her. She took a step forward, and he scrambled backwards on his hands and feet, getting away from her. Finally he stopped, blinking, before a massive grin appeared on his face. He started making more strange sounds, and it took a moment to realize he was laughing. Laughing at her. He made a dismissive gesture, and turned away, muttering to himself. Slowly he got to his feet, and started to stumble away, holding a hand to his head.
“Wait! I have so many questions! Don't go!” she trotted forward, not wanting him to leave, but he seemed to be ignoring her now as if she didn't exist. She ran forward, and looked for a tail to grab; a sure fire way to stop most ponies and get their attention. Not seeing anything she could use to grab hold, she stood on her hind legs and wrapped her hooves around him, forgetting for the moment that she could just as easily use her magic to pull him back. That got his attention.
Stopping stock still, the human slowly looked down at the hooves around his waist. He then turned around to look at the green pony trying to get his attention, all emotion frozen on his face as he studied her for a moment. Suddenly, he twitched, and started screaming. Pulling out of her embrace, he ran full speed into the undergrowth of the forest, yelling in fear as he disappeared into the coming gloom of late evening in the Everfree forest.
Staring dumbly at the retreating hindquarters of the strange creature she had summoned, Lyra fell back on her rump in shock. It took her several moment so process what had happened, before letting out a very long suffering sigh, “Well, that could have gone better.”
I will admit, when people see me, they tend to label me. They see a jock; a pretty boy, an arrogant dick... They’re usually right. I admit, I’m a bit of a dick, but chicks dig the macho boy attitude so I just roll with it. I work out, play football, have perfect teeth and best of all, FUCK YEAH, ‘MERICA!
Not to say all my friends are stuck up jocks or preppies, no, I still hang with the little people. I hang out with an assorted gang of losers and freaks, its like the fuckin “Breakfast Club” gang. My best friend is a computer nerd, overweight and obsessed with video games and cartoons. My girl is the typical goth bitch, looking like a poster child for Hot Topic. We got the wastoid stoner rebel, we got the prom bitch cheerleader, and the walking tacklebox accident. Hell, Some days I think I’m the only normal one, despite being just another stereotype.
So the party was planned, the booze was bought, and then the night arrived. We all showed up at my friend James’ house. James was the typical basement dweller; his parents were outta town and we had the run of the house. His so called ‘Man Cave’ was the focus of the night’s entertainment, with a big screen TV and lots of booze, movie night was always fun. Not that any real man cave would ever be decorated with pictures of pastel ponies and toys that would make any five year old girl squeal.
He calls himself a ‘Brony’, which I think is some sorta internet speak for ‘closet fag-who likes girl toys’. Before this he was a ‘Furry’, and before that he was something japanese I can’t even pronounce. All told he was a bit of a weirdo freak, but he was still my best friend. We go way back, from when I first moved here and had to pull two bullies off him... I watched his back, he got me good grades in school. It was a good arrangement.
So as the party began, we all threw our votes in for movies. The drinks flowed and the movies rolled. I pulled out Evil Dead, because “Hail to the King, baby...” Fuck you, Bruce Campbell is awesome. After that, my girl made us sit through one of the Twilight movies. I almost puked, and managed to get a no-ass penalty from my comments. I mean, Jesus, fuckin gay-ass vampires! It’s ok, she always comes around eventually. She’s too much of a freak in bed to leave me.
James finally made us sit through the latest episode of his favorite show, My Little Pony. I mean seriously, remember that shit back in the 80’s? Yea, its back, and theres an army of losers worshiping it now. As if the fur-fags weren’t enough, now we have even more weirdos that wanna shag ponies. And don't let them lie to you, I’ve seen the way he looks at those toys of his. There is a reason I always call before coming over James’ house. Fortunately I was too drunk to care, and we all wound up singing along with the stupid songs, even Tacklebox. Although how anyone can even talk with that much metal in his mouth is beyond me.
A few movies and many drinks later, most of the group was passed out. My girl was still giving me the cold shoulder, and I curled up on the nearest couch as the room swam around me. The last thing I saw was a stupid poster of ponies hanging from the ceiling. Some old-war thing in low res color stating “OBEY” with a stern looking horse glaring at me. I managed to raise my arm and give it the finger before darkness claimed me.
Now here’s the part where I usually wake up regretting my previous night; blacked out totally until I awake with a hangover and memory loss. Worst case scenario, I may be sporting a sharpie moustache from having passed out early, the best case being I wake up spooning my girl and hoping I remembered to use a condom.
Nope, instead I dreamed.
First it was too hot, as if my feet were close to a fire. I tried to open my eyes but they were sealed shut, and my body was paralyzed. Panic set in as the temperature grew hotter and started to climb up my legs. Pain followed as if I was slowly being rolled into an incinerator, and I struggled to scream. Fire and pain worked its way up my body as I screamed in my head for release. As it Finally reached my head, I blessedly blacked out again.
Yea, fuck nightmares.
Next thing I know, I feel something poke me but too groggy to respond I drift back to sleep. I start to awake again as I feel a kiss on my lips, and smile knowingly; my little freak of a girlfriend always comes crawling back for more. As she pulls away, I reach out and grab her head and pull her down for a real kiss, giving her a good show. I wonder if she’s been practicing, as she’s suddenly better than I remember at this. Of course, I’ll have to beat the ass of whoever she’s been practicing with. Unless it’s preppy girl, then I may have to see if she wants to try that threesome I’m always asking about.
After a long moment we release, and she pulls her head away slowly. Opening my eyes, I try to force back the fog and oncoming headache of the hangover I was about to receive. I had a witty remark on my tongue, ready to deliver in retribution for spurning me the night before. It never made it past my lips as my eyes focused, and I saw a mint green face staring down at me with golden eyes. The thought went through my head that I had just kissed one of James’ stuffed toys, but then it blinked.
I screamed.
“What the FUCK!” My brain kicked in and started telling me things all at once. I was not in the basement of my friend’s house, I was sitting on grass, the sky was clear overhead, I really had to pee, and there was a green creature looking at me with a very weird expression. “What? What the fuck are you? Where the fuck am I? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GREEN?”
The creature turned around to look over its shoulder, looking all the world like a confused dog trying to find out what was being pointed at. It looked back at me, and made sounds. It was almost like words, but more like someone had stepped on a chew toy. A kind of squeaking murmur, as it appeared to want to talk.
“Oh, fuck no, now you talk too? No! Just fuckin no. You are some sorta freakish pony thing that doesn't exist, and you do NOT get to talk to me!”
It took a step forward, and I scrambled back to get away. I felt the cool grass on my ass and realized I was naked. What the fuck kinda cruel joke was this? At least my asshole didn't feel sore. Then it hit me, this was all a prank. Oh ha-ha. Slip some drugs into the jock’s drink and watch him trip balls. I probably undressed myself and ran naked across a field while they filmed it to post on the internet. I started laughing at the idea. I am so gonna perform a rectal exam with my foot when I find out who did this.
“Fuck you pony, you ain’t real. You are nothing but a bad trip after watching that pony shit on TV.” I waved her off, dismissing the green nightmare and stumbled to my feet.
My head was pounding and I felt a bit woozy. Dear god, how much did I drink anyway? I started to stumble forward, not sure where I was or where I was going, but wanting to get away from the freaky hallucination behind me. I could hear it trying to talk to me, but I just ignored it. I got a few steps, before I felt something hit me from behind, halting my movement. I blinked down to see a air of limbs wrapped around my waist, with little hooves at the end. A chill ran down my body as I slowly turned around to see the golden eyes of the pony-thing now holding me in place. Shit just got real, literally. Needless to say, for the second time that day, I freaked out.
“You’re real? Oh fuck, you’re real!” I pulled away from the embrace, and ran for my life. “Get the fuck away from me!” I dashed as fast as I could toward the treeline, not even looking back to see if the thing was following me. I didn't care, I just needed to get away from it. I made the trees and kept on running, dodging bushes and roots. I did not want to encounter any thorns in my unprotected state, and I was paying close attention to the ground in front of me. That, unfortunately, meant that I wasn't looking UP for low hanging branches. Suddenly there was a flash of light, and everything went black again.
I wish at this point I could say I woke up with a nasty case of cotton mouth and the world’s worst hangover. I really wish I could say I woke up in a bed, or even in a room. I really wish I could. Instead, once again, I woke up to something licking me. At least this time it wasn't a horse, and it wasn't my face. Instead, something was slobbering on my foot; a sensation that didn't quite wake me until it took a nibble on my toe. That woke me up for sure.
And did I find some ferocious beast? A cute kitten? A sexy chick with a foot fetish? Fuck no. I had a bush. I shit you not. A. Fucking. Bush! Or at least it looked like one. It was covered in leaves, and seemed made of twigs and bark, with a pair of glowing green eyes glimmering from the inside. It resembled a reject from a Jim Henson movie, and looked at me with the weirdest face. And then it yipped at me. Yep, like a little puppy, it made an excited yip, squatted down wagging its little leafy tail, and panting with a greenish leaf tongue. My brain started to click and I realized that’s exactly what it was; a puppy made from twigs and leaves, and it apparently wanted to play.
Sitting up, I reached out a hand and let the little thing sniff me. It growled playfully, then pounced forward to lick my hand. I smiled, remembering my husky, Alpine, when I first got him as a puppy, and how he would stalk my hand as he played. I swear, Alpine was half wolf or something, the way he would act. My uncle never told me where he came from, just that he had rescued the little pup on a hunting trip.
This little bush-thing was no different, playfully bounding around and attacking my hand like a chew toy, its little thorny teeth scratching but not really hurting my skin. I easily rolled him over for a belly rub, finding he was made of soft moss and bark beneath the leaves. He wagged his little tail and panted happily at this. I almost managed to forget my situation, before it was all brought to a stop by a low growl from behind me. I froze in place remembering one of the biggest rules of adventuring in the wild: baby animals have mothers. Mothers do not take kindly to anything messing with their young. I was so fucked.
Slowly I turned around to see what was making the low growl, acutely aware of my unclothed state. I kept my hands in plain view, and my motions slow and steady. What I saw made my blood run cold; Where the little one was all moss and leaves, this one was almost as large as I was, and made mostly of branches and twigs. It’s eyes glowed a far brighter green, and its fangs were like thorny daggers as it glared at me balefully. I was trying to decide if I could survive a lunge long enough to scramble away, when my plans were brought to naught by a leafy bundle leaping atop my back and gleefully licking my face. I tried to remain still, but could not help laughing as the little pup nipped and nuzzled me. The larger creature sat back on it’s haunches and tilted it’s head at the display, just as confused as I was. After a few moments of being tortured by the green bundle, the mother lost her menacing look and slowly crept forward to sniff me herself. An offered hand was sniffed, inspected, and then carefully licked to be certain I was not a threat. Finally the head was lowered, and I gave her just what she wanted as her tail wagged from a good ear scratching; No critter can resist a scratch behind the ears. After a few minutes, I was covered in sappy drool, and both of the creatures had halted their assault. The mother walked off into the undergrowth, turning back to huff a command at the smaller pup. Reluctantly the critter joined its elder and they trotted off into the gloom.
“What the fuck just happened?” Alone again, I looked down at myself. Naked, covered in sticky sap-drool, and sporting a set of scratches all over my hands, I looked like hell. ‘What the fuck’, indeed.
An hour or so later, like I actually had a way to tell time, it was completely night. I’ve been in woods at night, but this was something entirely different. It almost felt like a scene out of the movie Avatar, with far more light than there should be for so thick a forest. Aside from the glowing bugs and vegetation, both fungus and plants, there was entirely too much moonlight making it’s way through the canopy. The moon was almost immediately overhead after dark, and brilliant spotlights of light shown through the gaps in the leaves like searchlights flooding the forest floor. It must have been the brightest harvest moon I had ever seen, with solid silver shafts every few feet lighting a ragged path of cleared undergrowth. Thankfully, none of the local bugs seemed to be interested in me, and the path seemed clearly marked. The only think I could think of worse than wandering naked through a forest at night was maybe a cornfield. Yeah, no matter what the bet is, don’t do it. Drunk or sober, you will feel it!
Wandering along the extremely convenient path, I stopped to examine myself in one of the moonbeams. The scratches on my hands and arms were not only numbed, but entirely healed. Only the slight stickiness reminded me that I had been molested by an immature ambulatory bush, and I filed that bit of intel away for later use. Bush-doggy slobber made for good first aid treatment... The more you know! Ok. I did NOT just see a sparkling thing shoot by trailing a rainbow. Aww fuck, I think the slobber has side effects; or else I really am still tripping balls and this is all a really bad trip.
Moving on. I wandered a while longer, trying to find a good place to hole up till daylight. As nice as this creepy wonderland is at night, I was feeling more than a bit apprehensive. I was still wide awake and rested after my recent series of blackouts and the resulting forced slumber, but I did not want to be caught unawares, and naked, at night. Who knew what kinda ax-murdering, undead, eldritch abominations lurked in the shadows of this creepy-ass place. And besides, I still wasn't sure if what I was seeing was real, or if I was weaving through traffic, stoned off my ass. Don't laugh. I once met a guy that took so much acid, he thought he was a glass of orange juice. I shit you not, he was constantly afraid he was going to tip over and spill himself.
Needless to say, I was overjoyed to first smell, and then see the fire of a camp in the gloom. I carefully approached, not seeing any sign of a tent or its owner, but seeing a small piece of meat smoking on a stick hanging over the fire, and an oddly colored boulder nearby. Slowly I creeped into camp, with a wary eye, looking for something to cover myself with, and drooling at the smell from the food. I hadn't eaten since the night before, and my stomach was letting me know how pissed it was at being neglected. My need to cover my junk lost out to my need to eat, and I stepped closer to the fire. Whatever animal the meat came from was nowhere to be seen, and it had a nice strip of glistening fat that slowly seemed over the slightly charred flesh. It was just cool enough to touch without burning myself, and my mouth practically gushed as I brought it close for a sniff. I only paused a moment to consider the consequences of eating strange meat cooked in the open before I sank my teeth into the best barbeque I had ever tasted. It had been seasoned with something, and slowly smoked, rather than broiled in the flames, and the tenderness was as good as the best filet mignon I could afford. Within moments the food was gone, and I was licking my fingers clean with relish, when the boulder moved.
Oh fuck me. Of course the boulder moved.
Did I mention it was blue? Yea, I can sometimes be stupid like that, overlooking a friggin BLUE boulder and thinking it was normal. Then again, what is normal about this place? So, as it began to stand up, way up, this thing was about ten feet tall, I noticed it really wasn't much of a boulder. It looked more like one of the characters from James’ game, World of Warcraft that he was always playing. I quickly took stock: Goat leg, steroid freak human chest and arms, and a bull head. I really don’t think he was happy to see me either.
“Moo mo-moo, moo-moo grunt-murr!” I swear, that's what I heard, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Whatever he said, it sounded like it was supposed to rhyme. All I know is, he dropped into a crouch, and looked like a linebacker ready to charge. My football instincts kicked in, and I dropped to match his stance, minus the pawing hoof as we squared off. This was going to hurt if I didn't pull it off right, but then I didn't have to fight fair, did I? Then again, I am sure those horns weren’t fair either.
In a flash he made his charge, and I tensed to receive it. Just as I was about to be dozed by a bull, I stepped to the side, grabbing one of the horns as he passed and throwing my weight away from it. I saw his beady eye grow wide as he let out a surprised moo, and into the dirt the horn went, stopping his head’s forward movement, but not stopping the rest of him. Like a giant blue pole vaulter, his body flipped over his head and he landed with a mighty crash in his back, hooves twitching in the air. Yea, it was a dirty mask-grab tactic, but the ref wasn't around to see it.
I blinked down at him, as he blinked back up at me, both equally surprised the trick had worked. I felt the adrenaline pump through my veins as I prepared for his next move, and make a sprint into the forest. Instead of angrily trying to get back up, he just grinned like an idiot, and started laughing at me. At least, I think it was a laugh. He continued laughing until he was squeezing tears from his eyes and was having trouble breathing. Okay, i admit it was kinda funny, but not that funny. Finally I decided that he wasn't going to jump up and attack me again, so I took a chance and offered him my hand. He looked at it warily at first, but then started to grin again as he accepted it. With a quick tug, I helped him to his feet, err... hooves, whatever, and he was still smiling like an idiot. Before I knew what was happening, he has picked me up in a massive bear hug, and was spouting off more cow noises as he swung me around in a circle. Just as fast I was back on my feet and swaying to remain standing as he ambled back over to the fire.
“Moo mo grr mu, brr moo moo. Murr grunt?” He squatted by the fire, gesturing first to himself then at me. I still have no idea what he was saying, but I took it as an introduction.
“Uhh, I have no idea what you just said, but my name is Richie. Not Richard, and never call me Dick. Just Richie.” Yeah, those jokes got old real fast.
In response he just scratched his head and looked at me confused for a minute. After that he suddenly smiled and hopped to his hooves, trundling over to a pack I hadn't noticed, just outside of the firelight. He retrieved some things, glancing over his shoulder at me, and circled around the fire, tossing me something as he approached. I caught the bundle, and shook it out to reveal a pair of camouflage pants, and smiled like it was my birthday. Finally, no more dangling in the wind!
He then reached over and placed something on my head, and tapped it to activate, placing a matching device on his own head. With a smile he activated his own, and I saw it was a headset with a boom mic, like crappy pop stars use on stage when pretending to sing.
“Can you understand me now?” At my nod, he grinned again. “Good! I’m glad I brought these with me. I use them to talk to the stupid goats I work with; can’t understand a damn thing they say, and they refuse to learn a proper language.” I just nodded, having no clue what he was talking about. “Anyway, I dunno what kinda freaky thing you are, but seeing you waving your junk around really creeps me out, so please put some pants on.”
“Thanks! It was getting a bit drafty running around naked. I have no idea what happened to my cloths when that pony-thing kidnapped me.” I sighed and quickly pulled the pants on. Somehow, despite not being made for a human, they fit perfectly, and I wasn't about to argue. I’ve never needed to be conscious about my body, but I’ve never been much of a nudist either.
“Pony? What kind of pansy-ass creature gets himself kidnapped by a pony? Those little wimps can barely hurt a gnat without feeling sorry for it, let alone take on something that can defeat a minotaur!”
“Well all I know is I was knocked out, and woke up naked in a field being molested by a green pony with a horn on her head. I don't have a clue how I got there, or what it wanted with me.” I sighed, trying to come to grips with the strange day I was having. “So is that what you are, a minotaur?”
“Well what did you think I was, a hydra?” he bellowed. He seemed to speak mostly at full volume, sounding like a pro wrestler trying to brag before a match. He reminded me alot of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. “Well, if it was a unicorn, that may explain a few things. Nasty things! Never trust a magic user.”
“Wait, what? Magic? Are you shitting me?” I rolled my eyes. I’ve seen enough TV to know magic was just a layman’s excuse for ignorance. But what do I know, I’m talking to a damn myth.
“Hell no, man, those bastards are evil. Not good enough to move things around like a normal creature, they gotta be all floaty and sparkly. Always casting spells and doing things that should be left alone.” He shook a finger at me, “You are lucky they didn't turn you into some sorta weird freakish creature!”
“Like you?” we both said at the same time. This had us both laughing uproariously.
“I like you, you're alright, and if you can stop a charge from the one and only Iron Will, you have my respect.” He rolled his eyes at me, “Even if you are a funny looking and bald... whatever you are.”
“Human. Name is Richie.”
“Iron Will, glad to meet you.” He held out a hand, which I shook, and we both gave each other a death grip. For as big as he was, his hands were the same size as mine, and I gave as good as I got. After a full minute of glaring at each other with a forced smile, we both let go, shaking sore hands and laughing. “Yea, you are alright, human.” Then in stereotypical comedic fashion, he slaps me on my back, sending me face down in the dirt. I so should have seen that coming.
An hour later found our conversation waning as our heads drooped, and it was agreed that sleep was in order. A bundled blanket was tossed at me and I made what bed I could near the fire, as the deepened night was finally starting to send a creeping chill toward our camp. Despite having not been awake an entire day my time, the exhaustion from the day’s events proved more than enough to push me into the darkness of sleep. I didn't even dream.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid Lyra! Why do you always have to mess things up?” The self-degrading unicorn ran frantically around her house, checking and rechecking the references she had collected for her project. “Oh yes, you summoned a human, and what’s the first thing you do? Molest him... Ugh! No wonder he freaked out!”
Part of her mind lingered on the feeling of the kiss, and she felt her cheeks get hot as she rifled through a particularly thick tome with her magic. Bon Bon had never kissed her like that before. Here eyes blinked as she saw the spell she was looking for. “Yes! Magical translation spell. Gah, what an idiot I am. Of course he can’t speak Equish, and I forgot this spell in the summoning. Hrmm... I can either let him learn Equish or I can learn his language, but not both. Ugh, I don't want to make monkey noises, so Equish it is!”
The sound of a door opening made her freeze, feeling like a foal with her hoof in the cookie jar. Slowly she turned around to see a very surprised looking earth pony glaring at her. The room was a shambles, with books and arcane apparatus strewn about. Bon Bon had arrived early.
Plastering an unconvincing smile on her face, Lyra tried her best to defuse the situation. “Oh, ahh, Bon Bon! You’re home early. I was, uhh, cleaning! Yes, I wanted to rearrange things and spruce up before you got home as a surprise. So, um, Surprise?”
Clearly not convinced, or amused, the cream-colored earth pony simply allowed her scowl to deepen as her mate squirmed under her gaze. Finally she spoke up with an icy authority of one having long suffered the eccentricities of her oddball mate. “What did you do?”
“What? What makes you think I did something?” Shifting uneasily, Lyra avoided eye contact with her mate, and a bead of sweat started to stain her forehead.
“Lyra, what. Did. You. Do?” Bon Bon’s voice lowered an octave, almost growling. They had been together long enough for her to read Lyra like a book, and the fact that Lyra was reading books was a red flag enough to know something was going on. Lyra hated reading, preferring music to the written word, and disdaining ‘Egghead’ learning. It was the reason she had went to art school, instead of magic school.
Trying to change the subject, the unicorn dropped the still levitating book and trotted up to the earth pony for a hug. “Oh, nothing Bons, I am just surprised to see you early. I thought you were staying with your family another day.”
Stiffly ignoring the hug, the other mare stepped back, a black expression on her face. “Lyra, I love you dearly. My parents are insufferable, and still do not approve of ‘Us’. The rest of my family have already disowned me. I came home early to be with the mare I trust and love. Now for the last time, what did you do?”
Looking down, the green mare deflated, and began to nervously rub her forehooves together. “I kinda ...mumblemumble.”
“What?” Bon Bon’s scowl grew darker as she leaned closer to hear the confession.
“I summoned a human!” Lyra’s head shot up and she looked back at her mate with tear-reddened eyes. “I wanted to prove to everypony that they were real, and so I borrowed a buncha books from Twilight and practiced for weeks, but when I summoned him I forgot a translation spell and he freaked out and ran into the forest and now I gotta find a way to fix this but now you came home early and I just wanted to make you proud of me and know I wasn't just a crazy mare that believed in humans!” With the end of an outburst that would have made Pinkie Pie gasp for air, she collapsed on the floor in a heap, head between her hooves.
Sobbing into her fetlocks, Lyra felt a thump of dropped saddlebags, and a hoof slide around her neck, pulling her into a hug. Her mate held her close and kissed her on the ear before quietly muttering, “Lyra, what am I going to do with you?” She sighed deeply and went on in a more normal tone, still tinged with emotion. “Lyra, I have always been proud of you. Proud of US. From the first time I saw you play outside of the school in Canterlot, my heart was forever lost to your golden eyes. You never have to prove anything to me, ever.” Gently she lifted her mate’s head to face her own, and gave a bitter smile. “I love you Lyra Heartstrings, and I will always love you.” Suddenly her gaze became hardened. “But, if you ever lie to me again, I will leave your sorry flank. Got it?”
Mutely Lyra nodded, wiping away the tears on her muzzle. “Now what?”
Sighing deeply, Bon Bon looked around the wrecked room, looking as if Rainbow Dash had lead the entire weather team on a race through the house. “Now, once again, I clean up this mess you made, while YOU go talk to Twilight Sparkle.”
“T-twilight? No, no, I can’t!” Lyra sputtered. “I can’t let her know what I was doing, she would freak out. She may even tell Princess Celestia! The Princess will have me arrested, and thrown in a dungeon, and then banish me to the moon!”
“Lyra! Calm down. For a mare born in Canterlot, you sure don't know the princess very well. She would never do that to a pony for making a stupid mistake. If she punished every pony that screwed up a spell, Twilight herself would have been executed years ago.” Bon Bon rubbed her temples, a migraine forming. “You have to tell Twilight. She will know how to fix this, and the princess will NOT send anypony to the moon. You done goofed, and now you need to fix it. Now GO!”
Wiping her muzzle dry again, Lyra shakily stood, and turned to give her mate a fierce hug. “I will Bonnie, and thanks. I love you so much!”
Grinning stupidly, the earth pony licked her mate’s ear, before whispering, “I love you too Horny.”
Blushing, the unicorn disengaged, and bolted out of the door, leaving a sighing earth pony muttering to herself in the middle of the destroyed room. “What am I going to do with you, Lyra?”
