The Elements of Orgy

by ptrikle

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zecora, Human
Length: 3650

Prepare yourself for multiple crossover appearances and crappy puns.

Winter Wrap-Up time in Ponyville takes a strange turn when Santa Claus shows up unexpectedly. The fabric of reality gets screwy and all hell breaks loose. So many puns.

Published 2012-11-26 07:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-26 07:10:01 UTC

The Elements of Orgy

It was Winter Wrap Up time in Ponyville yet again, and everypony was getting shit done. The Earth ponies were doing their earthly bullshit, the Pegasi were fucking around with the weather, and the Unicorns were god damn magical. One of these unicorns, Twilight Sparkle, used her magic to carry some boxes into her house.

“I sure can’t wait for the Spring!” Twilight exclaimed, dropping the boxes as her dumb ass failed to focus on them at the same time.

“And they call me clumsy…” said Derpy Hooves, flying overhead. Twilight rolled her eyes as Derpy then proceeded to crash into Town Hall, causing an enormous explosion somehow.

“Howdy, Twilight!” Applejack yelled, galloping over to the failpony. “I just got done with my duties. How’s…” Applejack trailed off, seeing the boxes scattered across the ground, then laughed. “Gee, Twilight, you sure to suck at Winter Wrap Up.”

“Shutcho mouth, bitch!” Twilight yelled, drawing back her hoof to strike her southern friend.

“Yoooohoooo!” sang Rarity as she approached Twilight and Applejack, “Look what I put together! Isn’t it just gorgeous?” Rarity spun in place, showing off her new dress made entirely of icicles.

“You look like a cheap whore,” Twilight mumbled, turning away from Rarity to retreat into her house. Suddenly, Rainbow Dash fell from the sky with a thud and turned to face Applejack and Rarity.

“What crawled up her ass and died?” Rainbow Dash asked. Rarity and Applejack looked to the sky, confused, then back to Rainbow Dash.

“How long have you been up there?” Rarity asked.

“About 4 hours. It is Tuesday after all,” Rainbow Dash replied, indicating her ritual of staring at Twilight every week whilst listening to smooth jazz and clopping feverishly. As Rainbow Dash drifted off into a lucid state of ecstasy, Rarity and Applejack spun around, drawn by a loud bang from Sugar Cube Corner. The shop’s doors burst open as black smoke pillowed out and Fluttershy ran away, tears streaming from her eyes.

“Aw come on, Fluttershy! You’re acting like you’ve never been in the midst of an exploding cake before!” Pinkie Pie yelled from inside. Fluttershy spun around and wiped the tears from her eyes.

“’Exploding Cake’ my gentle, animal-loving ass! Those plastic explosives and smoke bombs were my only means of escape from whatever that was in your fucking basement!” Pinkie hopped out of the building, causing Fluttershy to curl up on the ground in fear.

“Oh, let it go, Fluttershy! That cave-in sealed off the entire basement, so I won’t even be able to make cupcakes for weeks!” Pinkie stopped by Fluttershy as she slowly rose from the ground, sniffling.

“Yeah… ok…” Fluttershy whimpered, using her amazing powers of repression to forget the entire ordeal. “What has baking got to do with Winter Wrap Up anyway? Shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on something more practical?”

“Fuck that shit! Baking kicks ass!” Pinkie looked past Fluttershy to her other friends and grinned. “Hey giiiiirls!” Pinkie squealed, making her way over to the group.

“Get off my lawn, assholes!” Twilight yelled from her bedroom window. Pinkie stopped by the other ponies and looked up to the window.

“What’s up with her?” Pinkie asked, turning to Rainbow Dash. This caused Dashie to snap out of her fantastic state of pleasure and she quickly withdrew her hoof from her quivering pussy.

“Oh I don’t know. But it’s nothing that some good lovin’ can’t fix,” Rainbow Dash replied, wiping her hoof against her coat. Applejack patted Rainbow Dash on the shoulder and chuckled.

“I’m sure there’ll be time for you to ravish Twilight with a week-long sex-a-thon after Winter Wrap Up, Rainbow. But what d’ya say we get back to our duties and bring in the best Spring eveeeer!” The ponies cheered and high-hooved repeatedly, but were interrupted by a swirling mass of snow in the middle of their group. The snow fell to the ground, revealing none other than Santa Clause standing among the ponies.

“Who the fuck are you?” asked Pinkie, looking up at the fat old bastard.

“The name’s Kris Kringle! I couldn’t help but hear that you intend on ending winter so soon!” The old fuck laughed, his fat belly jiggling repulsively with each breath.

“Well yeah… This is Winter Wrap Up; it’s when we wrap up winter…” Applejack said, surprised at Santa’s inability to deduce the meaning of the event from its name.

“But you haven’t even celebrated Christmas yet!” Santa gasped.

“Christmas?” Fluttershy asked, finally contributing to a conversation for once in her fucking life, “What’s that?” Santa clutched his chest and stumbled backwards.

“Are you telling me that you’ve never heard of Christmas before?!” Santa asked, taken aback.

“No…” Fluttershy quietly replied, looking to the ground.

“Well then, there’s only one thing to do!” Santa yelled, ripping off his pants.

“Oh dear sweet Celestia! It’s hideous!” Rarity screamed as Santa’s junk swung about in the cold winter breeze. Santa whipped around to face Rarity and jumped on top of her.

“I’m gonna fill you with Christmas cheer!” Santa exclaimed as he inserted his shriveled penis into Rarity’s pussy.

“Oh lord!” Rarity screamed as Santa stuffed her proverbial stocking. Twilight dashed out of her house, drawn by Rarity’s cries of terror. Twilight looked on in horror as Santa’s wrinkly mass writhed on top of Rarity’s puny body whilst he muttered sexual Christmas puns such as ‘I’m dreaming of a white Christmas’ and ‘I’ll be cumming down your chimney soon’.

“No! There can’t be a human here! That’ll rip apart the fabric of reality!” Twilight yelled.

“Bitch, I ain’t no human, I’m the physical embodiment of holiday joy!” Santa said as he continued to give it to Rarity real good, whom had decided to stop resisting Santa’s sexual barrage.

“It’s the same damn thing!” Twilight replied, gritting her teeth. “If you stay in this realm of existence, there’ll be nothing stopping anything else from all of the other realms from coming through as well!” Santa stopped pounding Rarity’s bedazzled vag momentarily to ponder Twilight’s statement then smiled and looked to the sky.

“In that case… Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and the rest!” As Santa said this, the clouds above Ponyville opened and a pack of flying reindeer rocketed through, and then proceeded to find and mount various ponies throughout the town.

“Oh god, no!” Twilight yelled as Rudolph humped her vigorously, “Reality is crumbling!”

And with that, the ground began to shake as glowing tears formed in the very fabric of existence and various life forms began to come through them.

“This isn’t 1955…” Doc Brown mumbled, stepping out of a tricked out DeLorian, “Oh well! Time to fuck some ponies!” Doc ran from his time machine and grabbed a nearby pony as he unzipped his trousers. One of the tears in reality located above the school spat out the Beatles from 1965 and the cast of The Breakfast Club.

“I don’t understand…” George Harrison said, looking to Molly Ringwald, “But all I know is that I could really go for some pony sex!” The group cheered and made their way into the school to molest each and every one of the underage fillies. Cheerilee managed to escape Ringo’s clutches as he attempted to take her to his ‘Octopus’s Garden’, which she had assumed to be his genitalia; but she was soon stopped by Bill Nye, the Science Guy. It was love at first sight, and Cheerilee happily agreed to accept Mr. Nye’s beef stick.

A gigantic tear formed in the center of town as Derpy crawled from the debris formerly known as Town Hall, and she looked up in terror as a Storm Trooper began to remove his pants. Suddenly, Obi Wan Kenobi jumped from behind a nearby piece of rubble and grabbed Derpy.

“This is not the pony you are looking for,” Obi Wan said, waving his hand in front of the Trooper. The confused Trooper looked down at his erect penis then shrugged and turned away to find another target to sexually assault. Obi Wan chuckled and looked down to Derpy, who was extremely dumbfounded as usual, and pulled out his jedi dick. “This is no moon… it’s my penis,” Obi Wan said, lowering Derpy to the ground, preparing to mount her wompa style.

“Put the pony down,” said Darth Vader, pulling out his light saber, “she’s mine.” Obi Wan turned to face his former pupil as Derpy trembled on the ground.

“Bring it, bitch!” Obi Wan charged forward, penis flapping about freely, and drew his own light saber to fight the horny sith. As the epic battle commenced, the remaining members of the Mane Six who weren’t being sexed up ran towards the only hope of shelter, the Everfree Forest. On their way out of town, they encountered Zecora, who was making her way into town to buy supplies. Zecora looked around as the ponies approached and scratched her head.

“What are these tears? Some sort of hex? ... And why is everypony having hot sweaty sex?” Zecora looked to the ponies running towards her and Rainbow Dash yelled from the front of the group.

“Santa fucked up everything! Run for your virginity!” The ponies passed by Zecora and she looked to the town.

“I am not a virgin, not ever since when I had a super orgy with 87 men.” Suddenly, a new tear formed directly in front of Zecora; William Shakespeare stepped out and looked down at the zebra.

“But soft, do my ears deceive my mind? Is it truly a rhyming zebra that I am lucky to find?” Shakespeare said, bending down on one knee. Zecora raised an eyebrow and smiled slightly.

“What you have suggested, that I am indeed. Now take of your pants and give me your seed.” Shakespeare whipped off his ridiculous tights immediately and jumped on top of Zecora, starting to thrust his old English rod into her exotic cartoon hole.

Back in town, the Mayor was cowering behind the debris of Town Hall, trying to hide from the rape-tastic intruders. As she whimpered in fear, a hand gripped her flank from behind and she heard a smooth voice say, “Eeeeey!” She spun around to face Fonzie, who was starting to remove his jeans, revealing his bulging dick. Fonzie picked up the Mayor and laid back against the rubble. He pointed down at his junk and the Mayor looked to it, confused. “Sit on it!”

At the center of Ponyville, a strange blue box materialized and Doctor Whooves stepped out into the midst of the sexual chaos.

“Hey, you have a TARDIS too!” Doctor Who yelled from a few feet away as he shoved his sonic screwdriver in and out of Derpy, whom he had managed to procure from Darth Vader somehow. Doctor Whooves looked to Derpy in terror and then stared up into the sky.

“How did this happen?! How can I fix this?”

“Oh, don’t you worry about that,” Freddy Mercury said, stepping out from behind the TARDIS. The queen grabbed hold of Doctor Whooves and grinned. “Tonight we’re gonna have ourselves a REAL good time.”

At Sweet Apple Acres, Granny Smith looked out of her window to the town and gasped in shock. “Sweet Little Debbie! What’s going on out there?!” Another tear opened up behind her and Richard Nixon stepped out, sportin’ a serious presidential chub.

“Why hello there, little lady!” Nixon exclaimed, stepping towards the old pony, “Mind if I intrude?”

“Oh heavens! A burglar!” Granny Smith screeched, whacking Nixon with her purse.

“I am NOT A CROOK!” Nixon yelled, slapping the purse away and pushing Granny Smith onto her bed. “Now, it’s time to get down to business.” As Nixon started to pound into Granny Smith’s dusty old snatch, Big Mac entered the room. Nixon looked up and raised an eyebrow. “Well hey there, big fella! Care to join in?”

“Eeeyup!” Big Mac replied, dashing forward to partake in the incest he has always longed for.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders ran into the barn, screaming, to try and escape the rapefest plaguing Ponyville and locked the large wooden door behind them.

“Do you think we’re safe?” Sweetie Belle asked, gasping for air.

“Yeah, what if someone breaks in?” Scootaloo said, moving away from the door. Apple Bloom shook her head and pointed behind her.

“No chance, Scoots! This door is sturdy as can be! Nothing could possibly-” And at that, Richard Nixon burst through the barn’s door on a giraffe, sporting a Viking helmet and swinging a sword.

“ARRRRROOOOOOOOO!” Nixon yelled, hopping off of his giraffe to approach his new sexual conquest. “Hello girls. You’re about to find out while they call me Tricky Dick!” The screams of the Cutie Mark Crusaders echoed from the barn and rang through the air towards the town, meeting Spike’s ears.

“Gosh! That sounds like Sweetie Belle! And Apple Bloom and Scootaloo! I better go see if they need my help!” Spike ran from the town towards Sweet Apple Acres, but was confronted on the way by Gandalf.

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” the old wizard yelled, pushing Spike to the ground and whipping out his magical rod (his penis, not his staff). Spike crawled backwards across the ground away from the horny wizard but was stopped by a young man with glasses and a lightning bolt scar. Harry Potter pulled out his wand and pointed it at Gandalf.

“If any wizard is going to rape this dragon, it’ll be me!” Harry said, gripping his wand tightly (this time I actually mean his wand… not his penis). Gandalf laughed and lowered his staff towards the young wizard.

“Do you really think your tiny wand is any match against my mighty rod? Mine is much larger and incredibly powerful!” Gandalf laughed and Harry Potter stepped forward.

“I am getting sick and tired of these penis jokes! MOLESTO PATRONUM!” Harry’s wand erupted in white goo that sprang forward to cover Gandalf. As Gandalf became enveloped in the young man’s white goo, his cries were drowned by the sticky substance. Soon, he was nothing but a pile of white slime, barely resembling the man he once was. Harry grinned and looked down to Spike. “I learned that one in Women’s Self Defense!” Suddenly, a hat blew in the breeze from somewhere in the town and landed on the white pile and it sprang into life.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” sang out Frosty, moving towards Harry.

“Oh fuck it,” Harry muttered, pulling out a handgun and blasting away the cherished childhood symbol of cheer. “Now…” Harry said, turning back to the baby dragon and unbuttoning his trousers, “I hope you don’t mind, but I have a STWizardD…” Spike looked down to Harry’s bumpy red boner and gasped. “Hogwarts!”

Meanwhile, in the Everfree Forest; Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash cowered in fear. The moans and cries of sexual pleasure from the town carried out even this far, and the ponies knew that somewhere in town Twilight and Rarity were getting sexed up so hard.

“We can’t just leave our friends!” Rainbow Dash said, rising to her hooves. “We have to save them!”

“But I don’t want to get raped…” Fluttershy whimpered, hiding behind a nearby tree.

“If we stand together, none of us will be in any danger!” Applejack said, attempting to reassure Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie jumped up and grabbed all of her friends together.

“Well then… let’s go kick some sweaty, ponysex-havin’ ass!”

The four ponies made their way to Zecora’s hut and entered, searching for any supplies they could use to craft explosives.

“Just look for anything that looks harmful!” Rainbow Dash said, digging through one of Zecora’s many trunks. Suddenly, the search was halted by the rustling of the sheets on Zecora’s bed. Zecora’s head popped out from underneath the covers, drenched in sweat, and she looked around at the ponies in her hut.

“Why are you here, you could’ve interrupted my slumber! If I weren’t so busy riding this poetic lumber!” The four ponies stared, slack-jawed as Shakespeare came from beneath the covers, smoking a cigarette.

“At first I thought it absurd, but now in reality, I am indeed a huge fan of beastiality.” Fluttershy squeaked in fear and backed away towards the door; Zecora shook her head and sighed.

“If dangerous weapons are what you want, I have many rifles suitable for hunts.” Zecora pulled out a trunk from under her bed and pushed it across the floor to the ponies. Applejack looked inside and found several guns crafted to be operated by hooves.

“What do you mean ‘hunts’?” Applejack said, pulling out a rifle, “We don’t kill anything in Equestria.” As Applejack said this, Pinkie Pie’s eyes darted back and forth and she nodded slowly in agreement.

“My native people took part in said hunts; now get out of my house, you stupid little cunts!” Zecora glared at the ponies as they each took a rifle and left her hut. She sighed in relief and turned to Shakespeare. “Now that we are alone, you sexy little man; what event is next that you have planned?” Shakespeare flicked his cigarette away from the bed and put his arms behind his head.

“Meh... I could go for a sandwich.”

The ponies bearing arms rushed to the town, ready to take on each and every intruder. Fluttershy looked down at her gun and whimpered.

“I could never hurt another living creature…” she said, lowering the rifle. Pinkie Pie giggled as she hopped in front of Fluttershy.

“Well then, we’ll use you as rape bait to draw them away from Rarity and Twilight!” Fluttershy stopped behind the other ponies and she looked down to her gun. Then, her eyes narrowed and she cocked the rifle.

“They ain’t gettin’ none of this…” The four ponies made their way into town and sifted their way through the crowds of sweaty bodies towards Twilight’s house. As they approached the house, they saw Santa still vigorously pounding Rarity and Twilight was still being drilled by Rudolph. Rainbow Dash raised her rifle to Santa and gritted her teeth.

“Fuck Christmas…” Just as she was about to pull the trigger, Applejack put her hand on Rainbow Dash’s rifle and pointed towards Santa.

“It looks like someone else is gonna save you a bullet.”

As Santa continued to thrust his north pole into Rarity’s now numb vajayjay, he heard an angry voice come from above him. Santa looked up and was met by Adolf Hitler’s gun pointed at his face.

“Get up, fat man! It is my turn to rape that pony!” Hitler’s finger tightened on the trigger and Santa slowly rose off of Rarity.

“So, you want this pony for Christmas?...” Santa looked to Hitler as he began to remove his pants with his free hand. “Well, you’ve been a bad boy. You get coal!” Santa reached into his hat and pulled out a large chunk of coal, which he then chucked at Hitler’s forehead. The coal met Hitler’s skull with a crack and he stumbled backwards, firing off random shots as fell. One shot managed to hit Santa in the chest and he clutched the wound, falling to his knees. “Is this the end?... But who will save Christmas?...” Suddenly, a green figure climbed on top of Twilight’s house, holding Lyra in its arms.

Then, a bodiless voice said from the sky, “And what happened then? Well, in Ponyville they say… The Grinch’s small dick grew three-”

“Oh, shut up,” Applejack said, raising her rifle towards the Grinch. She fired a shot and the Grinch’s disembodied boner dropped to the ground as he whimpered in pain, grabbing his bloody, dickless crotch-hole and falling from the roof. Fluttershy walked over to Rudolph, who momentarily stopped humping Twilight to look up into Fluttershy’s eyes.

“Normally, I love animals…” Fluttershy then punched Rudolph in the face and he fell to the ground, red nose dimming to black, “But you fucked with the wrong pony.” Twilight and Rarity rose from the ground and trembled in shock. Twilight looked out onto the town and whimpered.

“Why is everyone so damn horny?” Twilight turned to the other Mane Six and put on her super serious face. “There’s no time to ponder over their lusty cravings now! We have to fix this!”

“But how?” asked Pinkie Pie, hopping over to Twilight. Twilight rushed inside and came back out holding six pieces of jewelry.

“With the Elements of Harmony!” Twilight passed out each pony’s symbol and they put the jewelry on. The ponies got in formation and prepared to activate the Elements, hoping to rid their world of this sexy scourge. As the ponies began to glow and rise into the air, yet another tear opened below them and Neo Anderson stepped out, removing his sunglasses.

“Huh… This isn’t right…” Neo looked up and saw the six ponies hovering over his head. “Man… red pills are some crazy shit. Come on, Fluffles.” Neo hopped upon his giant honey badger, which had also come through the tear and pointed to the sky. “AWAAAAY!” Neo and Fluffles then rocketed off into the sunset and the Mane Six hovered in midair. Then, a great flash of light erupted from the six ponies and engulfed all of Equestria. When the light dulled down, the intruders were gone, and only the sexually ravaged husks of several ponies remained scattered throughout Ponyville.

“We did it!” Twilight squealed as she and the other ponies lowered to the ground. “The Elements of Harmony worked!” As Twilight said this, a final gigantic tear opened up above the town and a single man dropped out of it.

“Nope,” Chuck Testa said as the ponies looked at him with terror. Chuck Testa then proceeded to have sex with every single living creature in Equestria eight times and even managed to do two bears at once.

THE END