Adventure of Detective Pie
It was a rain full gloomy night. The yellow light from my single oil lamp was flickering over the paneled walls, the thin gray curtains and the old telephone covered in a thick layer of dust and cobwebs.
This is a quiet town and my services as detective is not often needed. At the most I get a call about a lost cat every other week or so, but I knew that my day would come and I was going to be ready for it. I sat on my hard wooden chair, my hat tilted forward over my eyes and my hind legs on the table, waiting for my next big case.
As I sat thus, half-slumbering, the door suddenly slammed open. The cold evening breeze spread a small torrent of droplets over the old dusty rag serving as a doormat when the poor, troubled soul entered my office to present his plea for help.
At least that's what I imagined, but I still had the hat in my eyes, so I couldn't really tell.
Okay, apparently it was just Spike, but he seemed really worked up, and he had probably been running, for he was dripping wet with sweat all over his green and purple scales. Or could that be due to the rain?
In any case, this is where I cast my hat back from my eyes and sat up in my chair in one measured movement, before asking spike what seemed to be the problem.
“It's the empty house across the street,” he said, almost whispering, as if telling a secret “it's... not empty anymore...”
“Oh my!” I exclaimed sarcastically, (sarcasm is very important if you want to seem smart) “I think we have to do with a serious case of ponies moving into a new house!”
“That's not all of it!” Spike insisted, “There's strange light coming out of the house at all hours!”
“Oh no! Maybe we're dealing with illegal unicorn magic! Or maybe it's unlawful partying with disco-lights!”
To be fair, partying without inviting me would be a crime, but I was too far in my sarcasm-strike to give Spike the satisfaction of having a point right now. And yet, despite all my brilliant witticisms he kept true to his case.
“But there are ponies coming and going all the time!”
This caught me a bit off guard. So much that I actually forgot to be sarcastic. “Uh- Yeah, do we expect ponies to stay indoors all the time?”
“No, you don't understand! The ponies who leave are not the same ponies that entered!”
“Aha!” I exclaimed, and then paused, seemingly for dramatic effect, but in reality to give me a chance to come up with a witty response.
“Maybe they're conducting a villainous costume rental business...” But one gaze at spike told me my humor was not to the audiences liking, and it was not like I had anything better to do, so I decided to cater to my client and give the 'case' a look.
I got up and grabbed my brown coat, fastened it around my neck; and without another word I was out in the night, looking for signs of trouble.
I was just rounding the corner when I immediately saw that not everything was normal. The house that up until recently had stood empty was now fully up lit, and not just lit up like a common inhabited house. Something inside was shining so brightly that I could easily distinguish the shadows of ponies walking past the thick black curtains that covered every window.
And who has thick black curtains drawn in the middle of the night anyways? I'll tell you who! Only ponies who are hiding something does that!
Presently, as I was sneaking on my hoof-tips towards one of the ground-floor windows, the rain started to diminish, and the clouds started to lighten. The ground was still wet and soft enough to dampen my hoof-steps, and I easily assumed that the ponies blinded by the light inside would see nothing outside the house, even if they had pulled back one of the curtains to have look. So I trotted swiftly up to the nearest window, hoping that a crack between the curtains would allow me to have a peak inside.
The crack was sufficient and in the ideal height for me to look through, but the light was blinding, and all I could do was to stand there and hope the streaks and dots of color that flickered before my eyes would eventually give way for actual imagery of the inside of this mystical building.
But before much more than a minute had passed I was interrupted in my spying by a deep, unfriendly voice from behind me. “Well, what have we got here, Hoops”
“I'm thinkin' we got an intruder on the graunds, eh.” Another voice answered.
If there's one thing I've learned from my time in Ponyville, it is that if somepony is talking with a Canadian accent, they're either not the brightest, or not the nicest ponies you could hope to meet. In this case I felt pretty certain they were neither.
I had just created the perfect plan in my head about cunningly convince them that I was just a random passerby, and at the same time trick them into revealing what was going on in the house, when I felt my hat being removed from my head and something heavy striking me and knocking me instantly unconscious.
I cannot tell how long I was out, but when I opened my eyes I had a straw sack over my head, preventing me from seeing anything. My hooves were tied together and I was being carried on the back of some large pony, probably one of the two that had found me. It felt like we were going up a flight of stairs.
“Oh, you’re ‘wake already,” the pony carrying me said mockingly. “The boss will be wanting to see you, she’s not to happy a-boot nosy ponies, eh.”
I figured it was no use struggling, there was no way I could fight my way out of this while still bound, and seeing ‘the boss’ might very well be the best option for solving this mystery.
The pony carrying me kept going up stairs for a while, then trough what I could only guess was a long hall or corridor before entering a door. (I could be certain of that last part, because he used my head to push the door open.) He then dumped me like a sack of apples on a hard wooden floor and pulled off my mask.
I braced myself, expecting to be instantly blinded by the strong light I had seen from outside, but when I opened my eyes I realized the room was fairly dark. Whatever had produced the light was either not in this room, or they had turned it off when they realized they had a visitor. I looked around to find the source of the little light that filled the room, and hopefully also this 'boss' I had been promised an audience with. And what did I find?
Well, I don't think you will be able to guess it. I did not, and I'm a real detective. Actually, I don't even think you will believe me when I say it. Are you ready? Okey, here it goes: it was Night Mare Moon! No, not Luna, I am in fact aware of the difference. I am also aware that neither are able to gobble me up, due to me being almost as big as they are, but that's beside the point.
Night Mare Moon! The real thing; dark blue coat, blue-silvery armor and helm, a blackish purple aura that cast long flickering shadows across the room in all directions, two cyan-blue eyes and a silver crescent moon on each flank. The only light in the room was the fain cobalt glow of her horn, although I could not see what kind of magic she was preforming.
I was so surprised by this turn of events that I totally forgot that, as the protagonist, I was supposed to say something cool to introduce myself to the villain, but apparently I was to slow, for Night Mare Moon spoke first.
“Now what have we got here?” she said in her smooth, arrogant voice. “Who dares to cross the mighty Princess of the Night?!”
The mighty voice of the arch nemesis of all of Equestria was not really helping my coolness, but somewhere deep in my mind a spark of rational thought still persisted, and the moment it bubbled up to the surface all my fear and humility was replaced with confidence and righteousness. Nopony makes a fool of Pinkie Pie and gets away with it!
“So, you're Night Mare Moon, are you?” I said as cold and mockingly as I could.
The villain, sitting on an improvised throne-like chair covered with dark violet velvet cushions, seemed taken aback by my abrupt change of attitude. At first she glared at me, in a way that could be taken as either anger or consideration, but soon her demeanor changed to a confident grin.
“So, I take it you're smarter than you look.” She said while standing up and signaling her guards to surround me. “I really did not expect to find a worthy opponent in this sorry excuse for a town, but wouldn't you know, even I can be surprised now and then. It is of no matter though, my plan is not one that can be put in jeopardy by one nosy pony! Actually, as a reward for getting as far as you have, I will reveal my true identity before I eliminate you! Watch in awe!”
It didn't take much skill or intelligence to guess what happened next. Her horn flared with the same cobalt glow as before, then a cloud of pink smoke emerged; the flare turned magenta and the pony started transforming. Her horn shrank to about half length and her wings and armor disappeared completely. Then she started shrinking and her coat turned a much lighter shade of blue. And lastly her cutie mark changed. The silver moon became a light-blue sparkly patch accompanied by a magic wand with a gray star in the end. Or to put it simply: suddenly Trixie appeared!
“The great and powerful Trixie!” The blue unicorn exclaimed when the transformation was complete, as if she had heard my thoughts and felt the need to correct me. “And now that you know my little secret, we can no longer let you trot around, can we?”
I was going to protest that claim, but before I had a chance to say anything Trixie shot a small orb of light out of her horn. The orb hit me straight in the head, and for the second time that night I was knocked unconscious.
Once again I cannot tell for how long I was out, but when I came to it was to the sound of streaming water. As far as I could tell, I was being carried on the back of the same stallion as earlier. I had only been awake for a minute or so when I was dumped on a wooden floor and my blindfold was removed.
It was still quite foggy, and there were no light except a lone light post shining in the distance. As the sound of water had already suggested, we were down by the little dock where the little stream runs past the markets and the train station. Not a place ponies would normally hang out at night, and thus a great place to get rid of things without anypony noticing.
When my eyes finally came into focus I was greeted by Trixie standing in front of me, glaring at me coolly.
“Take your time,” she said, grinning. “I want you to know what hits you when I send you to the fishes!”
My head still hurt after being beaten repeatedly, so it was with a certain lack of grace I managed to mutter: “But-- but why?”
“What is that, little filly?” Trixie responded, loud and boastful as ever. “You want to know the Great and Powerful Trixie's grand plan? Her reason for abducting you?”
“I'm sure I'll have to hear it whether I want to or not.” I said, hoping my lack of enthusiasm would work to make her even more eager to boast.
And of course it did. Trixie glared at me with her over-confident self-righteous expression, before she stuck her nose in the air and started lecturing.
“It seems the Great and Powerful Trixie has once again overestimated her opponent. It was my plan that you should figure out that I was up to something and seek me out. This whole scheme was just a set up to lure you in; and now, after years of plotting and scheming, it is finally time for my revenge!”
“Your what?!” I exclaimed, completely taken aback. “I have never done anything to you! Of all the ponies in this town I am probably the only one who has neither criticized nor humiliated you even one single time. Why would you want revenge on me of all ponies?”
“You little foal. You still don’t understand do you?” the blue unicorn mocked. “Did you really think this lame so-called show-pony could pull off the kind of tricks you have seen me do? I'll give you one more guess miss detective. Who am I?”
In retrospect I should have guessed it. There is only one pony I have ever not gotten along with, and that pony is not even a pony. I should have guessed it, but I did not. Not until the pony that wore Trixies appearance once again disappeared in a cloud of light blue smoke and was replaced by...
“Gilda!? But-- that doesn't make any sense!”
“Shut up, foal.” she snapped “Save it for the fishes, they can’t wait to talk to you. Boys, get this over with!”
Suddenly I was lifted by my legs between the two stallions. They carried me towards the edge of the dock and held me in mid-air over the water.
“Any last words?” Gilda asked with a venomous voice.
“Sure! Do you want to come to Gummy's two months, one week and three days after birthday-party tomorrow?”
I didn't quite catch her response, and I don't think I would have wanted to repeat it anyways, but it was the last thing that was said before the stallions dropped me and I fell head first into the cold dark water.
My hooves was still tied together, so there was nothing I could do besides sinking deeper and deeper into the cold, dark, abysmal depths.
Well, ‘abysmal’ may be a slight overstatement. The brook is about fifteen, maybe twenty, feet deep. So it didn’t take me that long to reach the bottom. Neither was it to dark, considering it was night-time. I could actually see the cloud of sand that was stirred up when I landed, and even a few fish swimming around me.
The fact still remains though, that I was lying bound on the bottom of a river, and since I don’t have the ability to breathe under water, that might be a problem in the long run. So after going through some of my options I decided to wiggle myself around ‘till I was standing on my hooves, then unknot the rope and start swimming towards the surface. I did do a short stop on the way to see if the fish wanted to talk, but it seems like Gilda lied when she said how exited they were to speak to me.
The first I noticed upon breaking the surface was that everything was lighted up as if it was daylight, but instead of blue sky, all I could see above me was gray-brown smoke.
”Pinkie…”
I looked desperately for the source of the light, but the smoke made it really hard. It was only when I heard a screeching sound of something huge and metal-y. I turned my head in the direction of the sound and there I saw it! A giant steam-powered death-robot, with laser-guns and long arms with spikes and blades!
”Pinkie!”
The death-robot was just in the process of demolishing a house, while simultaneously firing its lasers at two others. Terrified ponies were running in the streets in blind panic, without knowing where to look for shelter.
”PINKIE!”
“Oh! Hi there Twilight!” Pinkie said, turning away from the typewriter she had been fascinated by the last hour. “Did you see what I wrote? What do you think?”
“Well…” Twilight didn’t want to hurt her friend’s feelings, but she did want to be as honest as possible. “It’s decently written, but the story doesn’t seem too well thought trough… with the shifting characters and all that. You really should think of where the story is going before you write it, instead of just coming up with random action as it goes.”
“Yeah, maybe you’re right. Wait a second! What if Gilda actually shows up to Gummy's two months, one week and three days after birthday-party tomorrow! I need to go bake something fitted for a griffin! See you later Twilight!” And with that Pinkie stormed out the door.
