Flarp the Dunsparce's Magic Adventure Into Tootsie Pop Land
Kamikaze Chicken Wings and Space Frogs
Kamikaze Chicken Wings and Space Frogs
One day, Flarp the Dunsparce decided to go to Equestria, so he and Nicolas Cage prepared a portal to the magical land of ponies in the Marshmellow Fun Fun Castle of Impending Demise. Flarp put Nicolas in charge of the slave driving while he was gone. Flarp jumped in the portal with serene grace because that was a joke.
Flarp landed in the middle of town square. As he looked up, he saw a crowd of ponies surrounding him. He put on the face of a graceful gladiator and stood proudly before them. The ponies were going crazy over the ground-snake-thing, almost all of them cheering and whistling. The mane six ponies which Flarp had been waiting to meet were just before him, gaping in awe.
“What a handsome creature! Tell us, who are you, grand being?” Twilight Sparkle asked in a suggestive voice. She raised her eyebrows and giggled.
“…Flarp.” Flarp said majestically. His sexy voice made a few ponies in the crowd faint.
Rarity moaned loudly. “Ohh, my ears! They just… ahh… ahh!” Rarity crashed on the ground, twitching and drooling from the massive eargasm she was having. Flarp stood frozen, like a nerd in a dodge-ball game.
Darkness suddenly swallowed the world and Nightmare Moon began to steal souls from the crowd. She laughed evilly at the crowd.
“Mwahahahaha! I return from the shadows for no in particular reason to take over the world! Come to that castle thing that I can’t remember the name of to stop me again… if you dare…” She monologued (like a true My Little Pony villain). Twilight Sparkle gasped and turned to Flarp.
“Oh, brave Flarp, will you help us defeat the evil Nightmare Moon and save our land?” She asked, crying the tears of meth-stained underwear.
“… Flarp.” He said. His words were so powerful that the writer couldn’t think of a good sentence to put down. Twilight was so ecstatic she pooped a chinchilla and did a back-flip.
“Oh, thank you, brave hero. Your deeds will be remembered throughout Equestria!” She cried. “Let’s go girls, we have a world to save!”
The mane six and Flarp set off for the Everfree Forest. On the way there, Rainbow Dash spontaneously combusted into flames and burned to death.
Suddenly, The Lich King appeared and asked what they wanted on their cheeseburgers. When he told Flarp that they didn’t have pepperoni, Flarp took out a magic wand and turned The Lich King into a bacon strip and ate him. He tasted like frozen yogurt and baked beans.
They pressed onwards through the forest, singing dubstep to keep their minds off of the floating ducks. They came up on the cliff that had slipped up the mane six before. Applejack immediately fell off and died violently.
Flarp teleported the remaining heroes down to the bottom of the cliff with his magic drill tail of pixie magic. They all looked over to see the hole where Applejack had landed. Suddenly, Gannondorf came out of the hole and laughed evilly. He saw Flarp, pissed himself, and turned into a tree stump. Also, Fluttershy was eaten by a stegosaurus with laser cannons. Logic.
Then, Flarp and the remaining 3 ponies got to the bridge that Rainbow tied to let the ponies cross. As they crossed the creaky bridge, a board broke loose and Rarity nearly fell off the bridge into the abyss. As she tried to climb up, a giant, orgasmic vulture swooped her up and took her away to his den in Japan. There, she was fed to baby Game Grumps. Flarp did not care, for in his opinion Rarity was a dumb character.
They continued onward to the big castle thing where Nightmare Moon was defeated the first time. Pinkie Pie suddenly died of a necromantic rabbit attack before she could enter. Now all that was left was Flarp and Twilight.
Surprisingly, Twilight gave birth to an Ipod-Touch and decided to call him Sonic the Hedgehog. Why? I don’t know, why’d the chicken cross the road? Probably some big titted rooster on the other side or something.
Anyway… Flarp, Twilight, and Sonic the Hedgehog found the Helements of Armony lying on the floor next to a dead rancor. Nightmare Moon suddenly appeared before them and monologued like a good little MLP villain.
“Hah! You are too late, Twilight and… whatever the hell you are… I’ve got the Helements of Armony by my side and there’s nothing you can do about it.” She rambled.
“Flarp.” Flarp said beautifully. His voice was so powerful that it charged Sonic’s battery to full and put a whole Nightwish album on him. The song “Wish I Banged an Angel” kicked on as Nightmare Moon unoriginally gasped.
“What!? You can’t be serious! This is impossible!” She yelled in corny disbelief.
“…Flarp.” Flarp gracefully said as he pulled out a “BIG Cheez-it!” box.
“NO! How did you know my one weakness was the Unready Cheese? No! NOOOOO!” Nightmare Moon yelled as she exploded into glass shards. Twilight made a U-turn around Canada and jumped in the air.
“FLARP! You sexy beast, you did it! I love you!” She yelled. Twilight suddenly turned inside-out and imploded, leaving Flarp and Sonic alone in the castle.
Then, Indiana Jones fell from the sky and winked at Flarp. “Good job, Flarp! You saved the world!” He said in an upbeat voice. Then he swung away into the night sky, making Flarp contemplate what it really means to be a Power Ranger.
A portal opened in front of Flarp, leading back to his home world; Booger. He bowed his head at Sonic and jumped in the portal. Flarp’s epic adventure had come to an end. He had learned throughout the long and perilous journey that sacrifices were sometimes necessary for getting to the center of a tootsie pop.
“Welcome back, Flarp! How was your adventure in Equestria?” Nicolas Cage asked as he yelled at the Audino slaves. Flarp looked straight into Nicolas Cage’s eyes and gave him the whole story of what happened.
“…Flarp.”
