I unplugged my earbuds from the computer, tears dripping from my eyes and painting the keyboard below. Dammit, ROBCakeran, you mugged me for my feels!
The mournful symphony soared up, only to glide back into the depths of hell.
"Why? Why did Dashie have to go?" I cried. Then I glanced at the wall clock. "Fuck." I said, drying my tears and putting on my smock, defiantly segregation myself from the common peasants and my proud workplace:
Wal-Mart.
I got in my beige junker car and opened the window, played the radio, reclined the seat and unbuckled fourteen times. Then I turned the key. With no response, I thoughtfully turned on the built-in cigarette lighter. The car roared in pleasure and rolled out of my driveway gleefully.
My teeth chattered; it was cold as fuck. I rolled up the window, opened the passenger door and slammed it shut, turned off the cigarette lighter and hit the heat straight from the bowels of Satan.
I drive slowly, engine growling. In Ann Arbor, we all like trees, so we drive slow like the dumbass hippies we are. I see a cardboard box appear magically in a dismal alleyway.
Holy shit, I think wildly. I'm gonna be like Dan! And I'll have a Dashie of my own and I'll name her Dashie and she will be my Dashie! (I call Dashie dude Dan)
Dammit again, ROBCakeran! You have tainted my thoughts with your vicious wording!
So of course, instead of going to my piece-of-shit job, I pull over. The engine sputters, then goes out. I walk out of the car and peer into the box seeing a colorful...
Bag of Skittles.
I stand up, walk back into the car like the perfectly mature woman I know I am and sat down in the driver's seat. I bang my head on the steering wheel several times. My car screams every time because the poor baby's sensitive. I sit up, thinking clearly. It couldn't have been best pony, but there is one thing I can do now.
I get out of the car in ninja stealth mode, creeping towards the unclaimed bag of Skittles. I pounced suddenly, surprising the box into surrendering the glorious candy held within.
"OM FREAKING NOM!" I screamed victoriously, pouring the bag into my gaping maw of teeth and tongue and spit and... and... whatever else is in a mouth.
I choke, clutching my throat as I try to hack up what Skittles betrayed me. Of course, those god-awful purple Skittles go flying back into the box.
I wipe my mouth, lips coated with a layer of sugary rainbow spit. "Fuck you, purple."
After I left my kingdom, Wally World, I found myself backtracking along the path I came from. My stomach growled. Now I wanted those damn purple Skittles!
I pulled over, letting my car die. I open the door and get out to look back in the box. My poor tummy bayed into the cold wind, alerting me to my hunger. Captain Obvious saves the day!
I carefully walk over to the box. I'm starting to sense a recurring theme here.
The top is folded over, sealing the sphere from the wind.
...
...
Didn't fool you, did I?
Anyway, I opened it up and saw another rainbow. I jumped back, reeling. "Holy God's nipple!" I screamed, attracting the confuzzled gazes from passerby. I slapped a hand over my mouth. No one can know.
"Come on, little girl, let's get you out of the wind." I crooned to the little blob of rainbow curled in a fetal position. It didn't move.
I scooped my newly christened Rainbow Dash up, opened the passenger door and dropped her on the pockmarked seat with a mysterious stain I wanted no explanation for. I opened the driver's side door and shifted into neutral. I leaned my entire body weight against the car and ground my heels to get it up and moving. Luckily, we were parked at the top of a hill so the car started rolling easier than usual. I jumped in and frantically turned the key to no avail. We were heading into oncoming traffic at rush hour, as per usual action scenes. I grabbed the worn wheel with white knuckles and focused on weaving into the left lane. Many a road rager gave me the thoughtful gift of The Finger as I ducked into the correct side. We sputtered to a halt a couple hundred feet from the bottom of the hill and then that accursed car finally started.
Fuck you, car.
I sighed and turned to the snoring Equestrian tourist. "Screw you, I'm going home." I said tiredly and flipped the air vents on and off, honked three times and turned on the headlights. I heard a gunshot and repeated the ritual of turning on the headlights. The "gunshot" I heard was the engine. I have no clue what it does, but all I know is if car bang, turn on flashy-flashies.
The Rainbow Dash made a series of beeps and boops reminding me of R2-D2.
"Dashie, Dashie, Dashie, Dashie, Dashie, Dashie, Dashie!" I chanted happily under my breath as we turned onto my home street: Mulberry Lane. Don't judge.
With a loud bang, I parked my car in my driveway.
"Wakey wakey, little Dashie." I crooned to my Rainbow Dash.
She squeaked as her eyes opened to see the god-awful cigarette lighter. She scrambled backwards into the split leather seating. Then she caught sight of me and sighed in relief.
What the hell?
"Oh darling, you nearly scared the rainbows out of me," she sighed in relief.
Oh fuck. This isn't going as planned. Granted, I didn't expect to find a freaking magic pony on the sidewalk, but you improvise.
"H-how do you know what I am? And why did you say 'darling'?" I demanded shakily. I had a bad feeling about this. Suddenly, it dawned on me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, please no, fuck, fuck, fuck! I silently pleaded to any god that would listen. God, Zeus, Vishnu, Loki, Thor, Hel, Artemis, Apollo, Celestia, Satan, Molestia, Hera, the Wendy's Baconator. Anyone.
"Oh, darling, my mother, Firefly told me all about you humans!" she said happily, standing up. She was wearing a diaper with a rainbow on it. And fluttering on her back was...
Nothing.
My Rainbow Dash, found on the side of the street, was gen three.
The car protested as I repeatedly banged my head on the horn.