Big McIntosh held his mother’s favorite dress in his hooves before him. He had lifted it out of an old trunk in his family’s home. It was as beautiful to him. But as beautiful as it was, simply looking at it, holding it hurt. It reminded him of far too many things. Memories of his mother, his innocent childhood and thoughts he had for so long been keeping hidden from all who knew him.
Big Mac to all who knew him was the quintessential strong silent stallion. He was big, strong and not an avid talker. Some of these however he wished he didn't have.
‘If ah wasn't so big then maybe…No. It still wouldn't work. Doesn't matter how much ah wish or how much ah hate what ah am. I’ll always be Big Mac.’ Sighing he began to put the dress back when something made him stop for a moment. It was a memory of how beautiful his mother looked in the dress. But the dress itself was beautiful. The feeling of losing his mother hit him with strength causing him to sniffle a little before he caught himself.
Forcing himself to finally put the dress away he left the attic and made his way to his favorite spot. A small pond a little ways from the orchard. He lies down and continues his thoughts. He thinks of his foalhood when he and a younger Applejack went into their mothers’ room and tried on her dresses. A small already forgotten statement said by his younger sister playing through his head.
’Ya look so pretty Mac!’A small smile forms on his lips remembering the words before it was quickly replaced by a frown due to the fact he felt he would never hear those words said to him again. That was the fact of the matter. He liked being called pretty. Not handsome. He never felt right in his own body. A small part of him had always been jealous of his sisters for being born the way they were supposed to. The way he was supposed to. These lines of thought began to bring him down emotionally before he tried to call a stop to it himself.
‘No. Gotta keep control of myself. It doesn't matter how much ah hope or how wrong this body feels. Ah am the stallion of the house. Ah gotta watch over the girls. Ah gotta be their big brother. That’s what ah’ve always been. They’ll never want a big sister. They like having Big McIntosh. I would never wanna do anything to upset them... Besides even if ah did one day do something about it they wouldn't understand. Heck ah dun even understand it well myself.’
‘Ah gotta be Big Mac. The rock of this family, and just like a rock no matter how much ah want to, no matter how ah try, ah’ll never change. For the sake of this family ah can’t change.’
It was an argument he had with himself more often than he would ever admit. The argument over how his family would think of him, if they would disown him and how his sisters would react. The argument rarely ended on a good thought. It usually ended with him breaking down after imagining his sisters’ disappointed, repulsed or disgusted faces.
Why? Why couldn't he be what he wanted? Why had he been born so wrong? He never wanted to be big and brawny. He wanted to be small and petite. With his size he couldn't even try to trick himself for a day. Go out to a different town in a dress and hide his face. No. He was far too large for such an idea. He would be figured out far too fast. Nothing about it seemed fair. He was perfect for the farm sure. But it all felt wrong. It was as if fate had decided that the farm was more important than his own happiness.
‘But that’s how it is, isn't it? The farm is more important than me. Been in the family for generations. Ah gotta keep it going just like before AJ was big enough to work it. When ah’m long dead and gone the decision to put me in this body will have helped keep it all going. Just a cog in a brilliant and wonderful machine.’
This was not to say he by any stretch disliked the farm. No it was his home and his life. It had been around him all his days and was more important to him than even his deepest desires. His desires to be a mare. His desires to be accepted for even thinking about his want. He left them all behind for the sake of the farm. Maybe one day he’d find a mare he got along well enough and have foals. Celestia knows Granny wants some.
There had been a time, it lasted an hour at most, that he had seriously thought about going to ask Twilight Sparkle at the library if there was a spell to put him into the right body. He even had started to walk towards where he thought to find her before he ran across Applebloom and her friends.
“Big Mac!” Applebloom yelled when she saw her big brother walking towards town. “Hey Big Mac, can ya help us out for a sec?” He turned his head towards his little sister waiting for clarification on what they needed help with. “Well ya see, we were ridin’ in the wagon. Ya know the one that is pulled by Scoots scooter?” He nodded towards his sister in understanding. “Well earlier we were ridin’ around in the Whitetail Woods an’ we hit a big root and now it’s stuck up in a tree and we can’t get it out. So then ah saw you walkin’ ta town and ah thought that maybe you could get it out for us. So, could ya help?” She finished it up with the puppy dog eyes that he couldn't say no to, not that he would however.
“Eeyup.” He stated and then motioned for them to lead the way. They quickly came across the tree that held their transportation within its branches. With one mighty yank from his teeth he quickly pulled it out and put it down near its owners.
The girls’ faces lit up quickly after being reunited with the scooter and wagon combination. They all went up and hugged Big Mac offering their thanks.
“You’re a life saver!” Scootaloo all but yelled at the return of her scooter.
“You’re amazing, and so strong.” Sweetie Belle said after seeing the feat of strength.
“You’re the best big brother ever. “ The mixture of these comments made him rethink his earlier plan.
‘That’s right. Ah’m her big strong brother. That’s what ah am and that’s what ah should stay. For her sake.’ He gave a slightly sad smile at his little sister and her friends that they thankfully didn't notice.
“So what were ya headin' ta town fer anyway? Ah thought it was Applejacks’ day to watch the cart.” Applebloom asked as her curiosity began to hit. Big Mac took a moment to think about how to answer her before simply responding-
“Nothin’ important.”
He then left to do his everyday routine just as unchanging as he forces himself to be every day of his life. Living a lie for the sake of others. Just as he did that day he will once again do this day.
Authors Notes
Alrighty then. Well. That was that. It was an idea I had last night and decided to write up quick. Hopefully it either was good or will inspire a better writer than be to build on the idea, cause I know I don't have an urge to build on it. Thought it was an interesting idea though.
If ya like it tell me why, would you kindly?
If you didn't then, would you kindly tell me what I did wrong?
Thanks for reading. Have a good night and a good life.
YBG Out
Things Birth Denies (ver. 2)
Big Mac sighed in contentment as he looked over their fields. Finally clean and clear of snow after winter. It had been a little harsh at times but once again the apple family perservered. Now all that was left was to relax for the rest of the night and-
"Mac!" He heard apple bloom yell as she rounded the corner. "There you are Mac!" She continued yelling despite having found him. A pointed look from him caused her to blush in embarrassment.
"Sorry Mac." She apologized, causing him to nod in acceptance as he waited for her to explain why she came yelling for him. "I don't have any dresses that fit!" She exclaimed. Now that was odd. Why would Apple Bloom of all ponies want a dress? "Cause there's the winter wrap up after party thing and Sweetie said that it's more like a dance so I should dress up. I said no but then she said if I did she'd give me part of her birthday candy. But my only one doesn't fit anymore!"
Ah. Now her explanation made sense. He had forgotten about the dance.It was being held in celebration of the third successful Winter Wrap Up in a row.
“Please Mac! I need somethin’ to wear!”
He chuckled once at her words. Saying she needed it. Just like her to say it that way. With a silent nod he got off his seat and headed to the attic, chuckling once more at Apple Bloom’s shout of thanks.
Inside the attic was just as dusty as one would expect so he went over and inched open the window. He sighed in contentment as the still chilly air brushed over his coat.
Big McIntosh held his mother’s favorite dress in his hooves before him. He had lifted it out of an old trunk that had been sitting down in the corner of the attic. It was beautiful. But… as beautiful as it was, simply looking at it, holding it, hurt. It reminded him of far too many things. Memories of his mother, his innocent childhood and thoughts he had for so long been keeping hidden from all who knew him.
Big Mac, to all who knew him was the quintessential strong silent stallion. He was big, strong and not an avid talker. Some of these however he wished he didn't have.
‘If I wasn't so big then maybe… No. It still wouldn't work. Doesn't matter. I’ll always be Big Mac.’ He thought with a sigh before he began to put the dress back when something made him stop for a moment. It was a memory of how beautiful his mother looked in the dress. The feeling of losing his mother hit him with such strength that it caused him to sniffle a little before he caught himself.
With a shake of his head he kept the tears at bay and remembered a time from foalhood when he and a younger Applejack went into their mothers’ room and tried on her dresses. A small already forgotten statement said by his younger sister playing through his head.
’Ya look so pretty Mac!’A small smile formed on his lips remembering the words before it was quickly replaced by a frown due to the fact he felt he would never hear those words said to him again. At least that’s how he felt. That was the fact of the matter. He liked being called pretty. Not handsome. He never felt right in his own body. A small part of him had always been jealous of his sisters for being born the way they were supposed to. The way he was supposed to. These lines of thought began to bring him down emotionally before he tried to call a stop to it himself.
‘No. Gotta keep control of myself. It doesn't matter how much I hope or how wrong this body feels. I am the stallion of the house. I gotta watch over the girls. I gotta be their big brother. That’s what I’ve always been. They’ll never want a big sister. They like having Big McIntosh. I would never wanna do anything to upset them... Besides even if I did one day do something about it they wouldn't understand. Heck I dun even understand it well myself.’
‘I gotta be Big Mac. The rock of this family, and just like a rock no matter how much I want to, no matter how I try, I’ll never change. For the sake of this family I can’t change.’ It was an argument he had with himself more often than he would ever admit. The argument over how his family would think of him, if they would disown him and how his sisters would react. The argument rarely ended on a good thought. It usually ended with him breaking down after imagining his sisters’ disappointed, repulsed or disgusted faces. No matter how well he knew how kind and loving they were, he just couldn’t imagine them being happy with it. No matter how many times he thought it over.
Why? Why couldn't he be what he wanted? Why had he been born so wrong? He never wanted to be big and brawny. He wanted to be small and petite. With his size he couldn't even try to trick himself for a day. Go out to a different town in a dress and hide his face. No. He was far too large for such an idea. He would be figured out far too fast. Nothing about it seemed fair. He was perfect for the farm sure. But it all felt wrong. It was as if fate had decided that the farm was more important than his own happiness.
‘But that’s how it is, isn't it? The farm is more important than me. Been in the family for generations. I gotta keep it going just like before AJ was big enough to work it. When I’m dead and long gone the decision to put me in this body will have helped keep it all going. Just a cog in the machine.’
This was not to say he by any stretch disliked the farm. No it was his home and his life. It had been around him all his days and was more important to him than even his deepest desires. His desires to be a what he wanted. What felt right. His desires to be accepted for even thinking about his want. He left them all behind for the sake of the farm. Maybe one day he’d find a mare he got along well enough and have foals. Celestia knows Granny wants some.
There had been a time, it lasted an hour at most, that he had seriously thought about going to ask Twilight Sparkle at the library if there was a spell to put him into the right body. He even had started to walk towards where he thought to find her before he ran across Applebloom and her friends.
“Mac, can ya help us out for a sec?” He turned his head towards his little sister waiting for clarification on what they needed help with. “Well ya see, we were ridin’ in the wagon. Ya know the one that is pulled by Scoots scooter?” He nodded towards his sister in understanding. “Well earlier we were ridin’ around in the Whitetail Woods an’ we hit a big root and now it’s stuck up in a tree and we can’t get it out. So then I saw you walkin’ ta town and I thought that maybe you could get it out for us. So, could ya help?” She finished it up with the puppy dog eyes that he couldn't say no to, not that he would however.
“Eeyup.” He stated and then motioned for them to lead the way. They quickly came across the tree that held their transportation within its branches. With one mighty yank from his teeth he quickly pulled it out and put it down near its owners.
The girls’ faces lit up quickly after being reunited with the scooter and wagon combination. They all went up and hugged Big Mac offering their thanks.
“You’re a life saver!” Scootaloo all but yelled at the return of her scooter.
“You’re amazing, and so strong. You’re like Rarity when her sewing machine decides to break while she has a big order and she throws it.” Sweetie Belle said after seeing the feat of strength. She got a couple odd looks as she said it but it was soon shrugged off.
“You’re the best big brother ever.” Apple Bloom said as she hugged Mac’s leg happily and tightly. The mixture of these comments made him rethink his earlier plan.
‘That’s right. I’m her big strong brother. That’s what I am and that’s what I should stay. For her sake.’ He gave a slightly sad smile at his little sister and her friends that they thankfully didn't notice.
“So what were ya headin' ta town fer anyway? I thought it was Applejacks’ day to watch the cart.” Applebloom asked as her curiosity began to hit. Big Mac took a moment to think about how to answer her before simply responding-
“Nothin’ important.”
He was dragged out of his thoughts as Apple Bloom’s voice came from downstairs. “Mac? What’s takin’ so long?” She shouted with some irritation.
He shook his head and smiled at the dress. ’Ma was a smaller mare after all and Bloom has started growing recently.’ He thought before putting the dress on his back and walking down. She’d look mighty pretty in it.
Author's Note
Just a different version I wanted to write. Just gives a little more reason to why he was up there. Kinda rough still but meh. Here ya go.