Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything

Chapters

Prologue
Battle at the castle
Big Boris
Really Big Boris
Satanic Shitfest
Back to Earth
The Library
Brain Damage
Battle at the boutique
Rich, tasty spines

Prologue

“Yo yo ziggas listen up we got a motherfuckin’ carriage to wash so let’s wash the fuck out of dis shit!” Doobie hollered at the group of zebras, the baby dragon and the wizard before him as he furiously rubbed the filthy rag on the wheel of the mighty vessel.

“Dude, this guy won’t stop... T- Touching me.” Said the gray coated wizard who was standing beside what seemed to be carriage owner.

“Just pretend he’s not there and he’ll leave you alone. Probably.” Doobie replied, rubbing his dirty rag deep beneath the wheels of the carriage.

“You’ve got nice titties for a little boy.” The carriage owner whispered to the wizard, who was starting to lose his cool.

“B- Back up old timer.” Muttered the wimpy wizard.

“Or what? You’ll blast me away with your magic? The tall black stallion laughed, pressing his thigh against that of the wizards.

“D- Doobie. H- Help.”

“Dammit Matt! Can’t you see I’m busy, Assface? Just turn him into something!” Doobie hollered, climbing out from under the carriage.

“So.. Your name’s Matt.” Said the black stallion, nibbling on Matt’s ear and rubbing his nipples.

“M- Magic Matt.”

“Ha, what?” The seeming to be pedofilic carraige owner chuckled. Unknowing of Magic Matt's true power, that would cause anypony in the right mind to tremble in fear, he continued attempting to molest Matt.

“I said my name is MAGIC MATT!” The wizard hollered as his horn began to glow.

“Ay Doobie, Matt’s pissed off again. Keep your head down.” The small purple dragon warned.

Doobie looked over towards Matt, who was backing the old nigger into a corner. “Blast him Matt!” He yelled.

Matt, dripping with sweat caused by a mixture of anxiety and exhaustion from moving 2ft, aimed his horn at the old stallion and blasted him in the face with some sort of magical beam of not good things.

The beam of light dissipated and there was nothing left but a steaming hot apple pie.

“Oh boy!” Said Matt as he ran over and started noisily ingesting the former perverted stallion.

“Did he just turn that dude into a pie and start to eat him?” One of the zebras yelled from the other side of the garage.

“Yup. He sure did.” Doobie said, staring at Matt and the nearly gone pie.

“...Sheeeiiit! We got ourselves a talented wizard in our vicinity! Here I was thinkin’ he was all bark and no magical bite!” Shouted the zebra as the other zebras got up and they all walked over to Doobie and Matt.

“You damn right ‘bout dat, son.” Matt fucked, having chundered down all of the super delicious treat.

“Yo ziggas, dis guy right here can drop a sick motherfuckin’ beat as well. Wanna hear some?” Doobie said, grabbing matt and putting him on top on a makeshift stage that was just a dirty handkerchief.

“Alright, alright. For you guys, I’ll drop a sick beat.” Matt said as he started to beatbox.

The group of zebras stood there speechless at Matt’s mind-blowingly good beatboxing skills.

“Hey guys, wanna hear my one?” Doobie said, shoving Matt off of the stage.

“Um, I’m not sure that’s a very good idea, Doobie...” Spike said, looking nervous.

“Shut the fuck up Spike, just because you think it’s bad doesn’t mean they will.” Doobie hollered in the adorable little dragon’s face.

The green and purple infinitely sweaty unicorn lifted his head high, opened his gob and started to sing.

*******

The two unicorns and the baby dragon hit the floor after being tossed out of the doorway by the intensely angry group of zebras.

“AND STAY OUT!” One of them screamed.

“Guys, what just happened?” spike asked.

“Apparently ziggas don’t like my singing. Why does nobody like my singing?” Doobie said, looking sad.

“I dunno man, your singing is beautiful to me. Since we just lost our jobs, how about we hit the town? I’m buying dinner. Let me go get my wallet.” Matt said, walking down the road.

Doobie and Spike watched Magic Matt walk down the road for a while before pulling a very old unicorn mare into a dark alleyway. they heard screams, grunts, a splashing sound and then a crunch. Matt came out of the alley chewing on something crunchy and putting a fancy purse under his hat.

Knowing better than to ask questions and not really wanting to know what Matt was chewing, Doobie and spike started to walk to the nearest fancy restaurant before being joined by matt, still crunching on the mystery meat.

*******

“Good evening sirs, how may i serve you today?” The waiter said to the three guys as they made their way to a table of the fancy restaurant “le grande fromage”.

“Got an beef, ya mug?” Matt hollered at the waiter.

“Excuse me, sir? What is ‘an beef’?” The waiter asked, looking confused.

“Just some cucumber sandwiches, my man. No vegetables.” Doobie said to the waiter as Matt grumbled in the corner like a dosey cunt.

“...right. Three pieces of bread, coming right up.” The waiter said as he backed away from the three sweat and grease smeared mongoloids.

The three guys sat down and waited for their fancy meal while talking about how much they loved cheese and magic. The waiter came with lightening speed holding three pieces of expertly buttered bread which the three started to much on.

Magic Matt slowly stopped chewing and looked up at the waiter.

“Is there a problem, sir?” The waiter inquired, looking worried. Maybe the chef had picked his nose and wiped it onto the meal again.

“Th- this... This bread. It... It has butter on it.” Magic Matt stated, carefully putting down the bread and butter.

“I’m sorry sir, you didn't specify if you wanted butter or not. I’m afraid i can’t do anything about it because you didn’t tell me no butter.” The waiter said, looking a little uneasy.

“Everyone, out. Right now.” matt said.

“Excuse me?” The waiter inquired.

“I SAID EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ROOM RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I SWEAR TO FUCK I WILL EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!” Matt screamed, pieces of bread and butter flying out of his mouth as he jumped onto the table. everyone turned their heads to him and his threatening statement as if he was some kind of insane magical horse.

“I said... OUT!” Matt shouted as his horn lit up and everyone except from him and the waiter was engulfed in his magic field and thrown out of the door which subsequently slammed.

Doobie and Spike got up, climbed over the carpet of injured or battered ponies to the door and put their ears to it, wondering what Matt was doing to the poor guy.

“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? HOW DARE YOU PUT BUTTER ON MY BREAD! ARE YOU INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE?” Matt screamed at the waiter.

“I- I didn’t know you didn’t like b- butter, sir! You never told me!” The waiter insisted, sounding on the verge of tears. Anyone in his situation would be, considering Matt’s near effortless feat of clearing a room of more than thirty ponies in mere seconds.

“DIDN’T KNOW? I’LL TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT NOT KNOWING. LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT HIT YOU!” Matt hollered at the top of his lungs.

Doobie and Spike both cringed as they heard tables being overturned, cutlery smashing and the waiter screaming. After the screaming stopped and the waiter was either unconscious or dead the smashing was heard for a few more seconds and then the doors flew open, blasting Doobie and Spike backward onto the crowd of ponies.

Magic Matt walked out of the restaurant completely unscathed and started to walk through the crowd of ponies as they stared in horror at what he had done. He had quite literally painted the walls with the waiter’s body fluids and hung the empty bag of skin and bone on the chandelier. Some ponies gasped in horror and disgust while more than a few cried or vomited.

Doobie and Spike both started to walk next to Matt. knowing better than to ask questions or hang around long enough for the police to arrive. They walked for a while leaving their troubles behind them before they came to the city limits, obviously planning on leaving Trottingham thanks to losing their jobs and Matt’s incredibly violent assault on a pony.

“Where the fuck are we gonna go now?” Spike said, being the only (slightly) sane person in the group.

“Hmm... Don’t worry. I’ll handle this.” Doobie said, his horn lighting up. Never a good sign.

Doobie’s horn started to spark and make strange sounds before guttering out like a candle. A few seconds later it shot into life and blasted him up, up, up into the air where he spun around screaming and flailing his arms. He dropped onto the floor with a sickening thud a few feet away from the two others and then got up, careful not to move his head. His horn was pointing to a large city on the side of a mountain way in the distance.

“Alright then. TO CANTERLOT!” He screamed.

Battle at the castle

“What the fuck do you mean ‘rocks aren’t currency’?” Doobie hollered at the pony standing at the front of the carriage.

“I mean you picking up a rock and telling me it’s worth fifty bits won’t work on me. Pay up or I’ll slap your shit for making me take you three all the way to canterlot.” The burly earth pony said, looking straight at Doobie.

“Hmm. That’s fair, sir. I’ll pay you your money. BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!” Doobie screamed as he ignited his horn and made a cloud of smoke rise from the ground.

Six seconds later the smoke dissipated and Doobie was standing in the same spot he was in before he had done the spell.

“...Okay, you caught me.” He said, forking over his life savings. Specifically his life over the past two months.

Magic Matt and Spike the dragon got out of the carriage and Matt went over to the big stallion, looking him straight in the eyes. When Matt was two inches away from him, he stared right into the pony’s soul for a good ten seconds. His horn then lit up and engulfed the pony’s head, causing it to shudder before it suddenly went boom. Doobie, Spike and especially Matt were showered in blood, bone fragments and brain matter. Being used to this, they promptly cleaned up and walked on, doobie collecting his fifty bits plus another five bits he had harvested from the headless corpse’ pockets.

The authors of the story both paused for a moment, wondering if the story was a bit too violent. They dismissed it and carried on with their retarded writing. You don’t like it? Fuck off.

“Alright you stupid fucks, let’s go find that princess cunt and smash her face in” Matt exclaimed, looking left and right for places that she might be at.

“...Why? She wants to fuck us up for what we did. Why not just leave her alone?” Doobie asked.

“Because she’s princess of equestria.” Matt stated.

“...So?” Doobie replied.

“SO, if we assassinate her we’ll become the new princesses of equestria!” Matt exclaimed.

“...What?” Doobie and Spike asked.

“What about Luna?” Doobie asked.

“And the fact that assassinating a princess doesn’t make you a princess?” Spike said.

“And Cadence.” Doobie said.

“And the fact that the princess is pretty much a god and will bust our balls if we even go near her?” Spike finished.

“Not with that attitude we won’t!” Matt hollered, jumping onto his hind legs and pointing to the sky.

They all stood there for a few awkward moments.

“Won’t wha-” Spike started to say.

“Murder celestia, of course!” Matt interrupted.

“But we just said why that wouldn-”

“I HAVE A PLAN!”

“This is the stupidest fucking thing we’ve ever done.” Doobie said.

“What about the time when we were hungry and tried to grill our shoes?” Matt said.

“Oh, yeah.”

Matt, Doobie and Spike were walking through canterlot on their hind legs all holding plant pot in front of their faces. The method to this madness was that Matt’s plan consisted of him taking the last bit of weed they had left from the human world from his hair and then the three of them smoking it. He then had another brilliant plan. In his inebriated state he had come to the conclusion that if you hold a plant in from of you, everyone will assume you are a plant and not pay attention to you.

There were a few drawbacks to this plan. The most obvious one being that they couldn’t see where they were going so they were just stumbling around high while bumping into stuff.

However there was a plus to the ridiculous plan. Although it was complete and utter stupidity it seemed to be working. nobody was paying them the slightest bit of attention. Maybe that was because nopony wants to talk to three loonies holding stolen plant pots in front of their faces.

The three fucks somehow eventually reached Canterlot Castle and stumbled inside, ditching the hilariously stupid but effective disguises. They gathered around Doobie and went over the plan.

“Step one, secure the key.” Doobie said.

“What keys?” Spike said.

“the keys over there, dumbshit.” Doobie said, pointing to the guard who was looking at the two ponies huddled together with a dragon supposedly talking about him. He decided to make his way over to them and ask why they were here.

“Hello gentlecolts, can I help you? Do you have an audience with the Princess?” He asked casually.

“Fuck you, buddy! Avada Kedavra!” Matt shouted, blasting the poor motherfucker with some sort of magical bad.

Matt’s beam of magic hit the pony square in the face and blasted him backwards. He fell onto his rump and rubbed his head, his hoof coming to where Matt’s magic had settled. The light solidified and become three doughnuts wrapped around his horn.

“...Hm.” The stallion said, getting up. “What was that for, and why did you blast me with baked goods?” He asked.

“Gotcha, motherfucker! Those aren't baked goods, they’re baked bads!” Matt yelled.

The doughnuts encasing the guard’s horn began to flash red and beep, the beep steadily getting faster. Matt grabbed the two guys and ducked behind the plant pots they had placed while the guard stood there in confusion, trying to remove the sticky treats from his horn with little success. After three seconds a small blast was heard and Matt, Doobie and Spike looked over their respective pots to see the guard thrashing around on the floor missing his face and most of his muzzle.

“Anyfuck, step two. Run into the big room with all of the huge ass windows.” Matt continued “Step three, locate and blast random magic at that white bitch with the fat flank.”

“Sounds like a plan, shitman.” Doobie said, nodding his head and moving towards a large set of doors.

“aight zigga, on three.” Doobie stated “One... Two... uhhh... Four, Spaghetti... THREE!”

The three burst into the throne room and immediately began thrashing their arms and hollering, looking for princess widebutt.

The princess was sitting on her fat flank, downing a bottle of whiskey. She didn’t seem to notice the three fucks stumbling around her royal throne room. Matt actually decided that he might have more chance of finding her if he opened his eyes, immediately his new technique had a breakthrough. He has located Princess cuntbag.

“There you are, you fat fuck!” Matt screamed, grabbing the attention of Princess Celestia, Spike and Doobie.

Celestia looked at Matt, Doobie and Spike for a few seconds and didn’t recognise them for a few seconds because of being in a drunken stupor. The three guys noticed there was a large pile of whiskey bottles around her as well. She must have taken them killing the elements of harmony real hard.

“...YOU!” She screamed, standing up and swaying from left to right. She had finally recognised the three guys who had hospitalised her six little ponies and then collapsed the hospital onto her and them.

Celestia spread her wings and took flight before crashing down onto the red carpet a few meters away from Matt.

“Y- you monshters killed m- my little poneesh! i’ll k- kill *hic* you!” She said, charging an infinitely powerful spell full of rage and despair.

Before she could fire her spell Doobie thought fast and used his horrible magic to pick up Spike and hold him between her and the two ponies. for once Doobie’s magic hadn’t backfired.

“you wouldn’t kill an innocent little dragon would you, Princess?” He said, somehow putting words into a coherent sentence. He was on fire today and for once not literally.

“I... I will if I must!” Celestia said, about to fire her spell.

“Matt do something!” Spike screamed, not wanting to be blasted to kingdom come.

Matt jumped in between Spike and Celestia, charging his own incredibly powerful spell. Matt still had no clue how he had such magical talent but neither did he care. His horn took on a layer of overglow, signalling a huge amount of power was going to be put into his spell.

Celestia in turn charged her spell to an even greater magnitude as to outdo Matt’s surprising amount of magic he could so easily control. She thought this amount of skill was impossible without the student training under her.

Matt started to sweat as a second and then a third layer of overglow engulfed his horn. An incredible amount of magic would be released if he chose to fire this spell.

Both getting tired of the displays of power Matt and Celestia both released their spells. A gigantic amount of light erupted from celestia’s horn while Matt’s spell cast an incredibly strong looking forcefield around the three guys. Celestia’s spell ploughed into the forcefield and the three ponies and the dragon in the room witnessed what happened when an unstoppable force met an immovable object. Celestia stood and watched as the floor and ceiling cracked, the tapestries ripped and ignited, the pillars crumbled and the windows smashed. The forcefield stood fast against the onslaught of pure energy until Celestia’s spell started to wane. It suddenly stopped and the force field was still there.

“impossible!” Celestia yelled, having snapped out of her drunken state she was now staring in awe as this unicorn had somehow managed to block one of her incredibly powerful offensive spells.

“Quite possible, my dear. Now it’s MY turn!” Matt shouted as the forcefield melted into his horn and became an immense field of magical energy.

“You see, my shield wasn’t just blocking your spell. It was absorbing it!” He said as he released a spell so violent that even Celestia was terrified as it sped towards her.

Celestia stared into the unstoppable wall of deathly powerful magic and realised she was most likely going to die. She stood her ground and prepared to take the brunt of the spell knowing that she didn’t have enough time to make a spell to block the abominable amount of power that would hit her in less than a few seconds. she accepted her fate.

Matt however had other ideas. He lit up his horn and called back the wall of death back into his horn, his own bones creaking from the immense strain. The magic was reigned in and Celestia was left standing there, tears in her eyes.

“Wh- what? Why?” She asked, looking at the sweat drenched unicorn who was standing before her wearing a cruel stare.

“I’m not gonna fight you.” Matt said.

“Really?” Celestia asked.

“I’m gonna kick your ass!” Matt hollered, taking a step towards her and charging his horn.

“What?” Celestia said, baffled by Matt’s actions.

Matt, sparing no time, unleashed a flurry of magical spikes using the power he had absorbed. The white-hot spears flew into celestia’s legs, crippling her and making her scream and fall to the ground.

Matt trotted up to Celestia who was bawling like a baby on the floor, overcome by pain and grief. He stopped in front of her and lifted her chin up with his hoof.

“Now now, my dear. Don’t cry. Your body will be put to good use.” Matt said, putting her head back down.

Matt stomped Celestia’s nose into the hard stone floor and made her gasp, exposing her throat. He then charged his horn and sent a bolt of fire down into her mouth which settled in her belly. She thrashed around while she was cooked from the inside before Matt got bored and decided to end her.

He charged his horn one last time and sent electricity spiralling down into her eyes. She gurgled what was probably an attempted scream before her eyeballs started to melt out of her lids and boiling blood bubbled out of her nose. After a few seconds he let out a triumphant shout and stomped her now softened skull onto the floor, pulverising it and spilling brains into a small puddle at his hooves.

Matt turned around and looked at an amused looking Doobie and a slightly horrified and sick looking Spike. The dragon may have decided to be a bad guy but Celestia still used to be his friend and he was sad to see her die so painfully. He decided to man up and see the funny side of it, like the way her brains were spilling onto the floor. Hilarious.

Matt lit up his horn and conjured a barbecue, coals and some fire then put them all together and started to lift up the princess.

“Who’s hungry?” Matt asked.

“Man, I wish I had magic.” Spike said, marvelling at Matt’s skills.

“Hmm... i think I can help you with that, little man.” Matt said, using his magic to rip off Celestia’s long horn and throw it to Spike.

Spike grabbed the horn out of the air and held it for a second, marvelling at its beauty.

“Wow, thanks Matt!” Spike said, following the wizard’s example he began to chow down on the crunchy treat. Maybe it would give him some magical powers.

The authors sat back and looked at their masterpiece.

“Are you sure the whole killing Celestia part wasn’t too gory?” Magic Matt asked Mr. foster, re- reading the death scene. “I don’t think readers like stuff like that.”

“Fuck the readers. Our story has over thirty dislikes and two hilarious reviews about how bad it is. We’re not even trying to make a good or sense-making story.” Mr. Foster said.

“Hm, I guess you’re right. Fuck the reader.” Matt said

Fuck you, reader.

Just kidding, you’re great.

I wasn't kidding. You sicken me...

Big Boris

“What the fuck do you mean ‘There’s no ketchup’?” Doobie hollered, slamming his hoof onto the table Matt had retrieved from the dining room, knocking over Spike’s happy meal which consisted of some flank steak and a foot long horn.

“I mean I couldn’t find any ketchup. I did find these tomatoes though, so get to work smushing them up.” Matt said, handing Doobie the disgusting fruit that made such a tasty sauce.

Doobie shrugged and started to smash the tomatoes under his hooves and into a fine red paste. He then ignited his horn and lifted the sauce/hoof sweat glob onto the plates of the three guys.

Matt looked at the blob of tomato juice, tomato skins, leg hair and hoof sweat.
“We need a more efficient and less disgusting method of making sauce.” He said.

“Don’t worry man, I’ve got it.” Doobie replied, igniting his horn for a second time, he lifted the three blobs back into one. He concentrated and the tomato skins, hair and sweat started to separate into two sections. One was the sauce and one was the things nobody wanted.

“There we are!” He exclaimed, placing the the newly made good sauce onto the three plates. He tossed the disgusting pieces over his right shoulder and proceeded to smash his face onto his plate and continued to practice cannibalism of the once not dismembered and cooked ruler of equestria.

Matt looked behind Doobie to see the pile of unwanted sauce ingredients were still under Doobie’s magical influence. He then looked at Doobie’s horn and noted that no magical aura was around it.

“Uh, Doobie?” Matt said, nudging the green and purple poor excuse for a unicorn.

“Woht thfuk d’you whunt?” Doobie said, his mouth still full of Princess Celestia’s left ass cheek.

“Behind you.”

“Wha- Aaarrgghh!” Doobie screamed as he was dragged off of his chair by the animated ingredients which had taken the shape of a small monkey wearing a fur coat aided by Doobie’s horrible magic.

The ingredient abomination grabbed Doobie by the hair and started to beat him up mercilessly, probably because he had given it life and it just wanted to be a pile of tomato skin, hair and sweat.

“Fuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Doobie shouted at the angry animated pile of ingredients. The manifested trash monkey didn’t answer, it just kept on slamming Doobie’s head into the hard floor. Spike began to choke on his happy meal, he started to flail his arms around and make retarded squealing noises, causing the monkey pause for a brief moment. Doobie quickly took advantage of the foolish dinner monster, bitch slapping it in the face with his right hoof. The monkey flew a few meters back, giving Doobie a chance to crawl away.

The abomination, having been knocked on its ass, sat up and regained its composure before going full retard sprint towards Doobie’s ass.

“MAAAAATT! Help me, you fuck!” Doobie screamed to the believed to be ‘Super wizard’.

But there was another problem... Matt was terrified of monkeys.
Being severely rustled by this traumatising experience, Matt panicked and did the only thing he could think of, which consisted of throwing Spike at the food monkey. He grabbed Spike with his magic and blasted him across the room. All of which he achieved without getting off his seat. Spike flew through the air and simply bounced off the monkey, making a rubber duck noise upon impact. He slid a few meters back and continued choking to death.

“D- Do something, Matt!” Doobie hollered, as the monkey grabbed his hind legs and went back to trying to claw Doobie’s eyes out.

“B-B-BB-B- But.... It’s t- too big...” Matt replied, looking at the monkey which was approximately 2ft tall.

“Quick Spike, we need to make Matt get over his fear of monkeys!” Shouted the currently being assaulted Doobie to the small choking dragon. Being purple it was hard to see if was actually choking, or if he had also gone full retard

Matt picked up Spike with his magic and began violently tossing him around, apparently he was trying to save his life.
Spike, Having had his happy meal dislodged from his windpipe, shook his head and stumbled around a little.

“Spike! Make Matt un-scared of monkeys, now!” Doobie Hollered

“Wha-” Spike replied, looking confused “Well... Maybe if we gave it an unthreatening name, Matt might get the balls to kill it.”

“B-Boris! It’s name is Boris the monkey!” Shouted Doobie, barely clinging on to consciousness.

“B-b-b-borris...” Matt mumbled, apparently having a traumatising flashback. Matt remembered the day he went to the zoo with his father at age 10, he was so excited, all he talked about all day was how much he wanted to see Big Boris the juggling monkey. Anyway, somewhere along the line Matt ended up having a monkey throw shit in his face after he fell into Big Boris’ enclosure. What a dumbass.

His pathetic flashback over, Matt suddenly felt a surge of rage. How dare Big Boris the juggling monkey come to equestria in discarded food form and try to murder his friend! Boris may have been the only thing to ever defeat Matt but this would not stand.

“Hey, ugly!” Matt hollered, jumping down from his seat and landing on his back hooves in a kung fu-esque stance.

Big Boris the tomato monkey turned its faceless glare toward Matt. He let go of Doobie, who was busy sweating like niagra falls and nursing his punched-to-fuck face, and advanced toward the grey super wizard.

Matt cowered slightly over Boris’ death glare but then let his anger take over him, igniting his horn and readying a detonation spell.

Boris sprinted forward and lunged toward Matt. If it had a mouth it would probably be screaming.

Matt turned and bucked the monkey hard in the chest. The force of the buck combined with the velocity it was traveling at made it stop in midair. Before it started to fall Matt turned and let off his detonation spell. The culinary abomination flew across the room over Doobie and Spike’s heads and landed with a thud twenty meters from Matt. It got up and pawed at the ground like a bull ready to charge.

Matt enveloped himself in a magical aura and sped through the air toward the monkey, putting himself between it and the other guys. He set himself down just as the monkey, who was now ten meters away, started its charge, head lowered and ready to do some damage.

Matt felt an even stronger surge of rage as he watched the monkey speed towards him. How dare this abomination of hair and tomato skins think it could take on Magical Matt, the unicorn who single handedly destroyed (and ate) Princess Celestia. This monkey would taste oblivion long before he would.

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Matt screamed as the monkey slammed into him and clung on, sending him back a few feet but then stopped in a death grip as he and Matt struggled to push the other one back. Matt had the size advantage but the monkey was imbued with Doobie’s destructive magic and had more strength than it had any right to have.

“You think you can beat me, do you sunshine? Well, I have some bad news.” Matt said, grunting with effort as his horn lit up brightly and enveloped the monkey in its aura.

The monkey flailed around as it was ripped from Matt’s body and suspended in the air by the magical field. Matt then concentrated, closing his eyes and charging a spell. After a few seconds he released it and it fired at the abomination, hitting it and turning it into a cloud of red smoke. The cloud then condensed and changed from tomato red to butter yellow and then formed into the shape of a wheel. It condensed further and became a wheel of cheddar cheese.

“Mine!” Matt yelled as he dashed toward his prize before anyone else could get to it. He then chowed down on the yellow treat and engulfed it in less than three seconds. Look at that, a new academy record.

After finishing the delicious monkey meal, Matt decided to check up on Doobie. He began to strut over to the curb stomped, bloody-faced shitload, turning his attention towards Spike as he did so. From what he could see Spike looked a little shaken but still in one piece, so as he passed Spike he yelled “Get off your fucking sorry ass and clean that shit up.” He managed to call him a cuntbag four times before reaching Doobie.

“Woah dude, you look nasty.” Matt exclaimed, standing over Doobie and lending him a Hoof. Not his hoof, but one of Celestia’s severed ones.

“T-Thanks Matt, my face can’t be that bad. It was just a monkey, right? Doobie stuttered, sitting up and munching on the tasty treat Matt had just offered him.

“Wrong!” Matt shouted, using his magic to hover a piece of broken glass in front of Doobie’s fucked up face. The glass acted like a faint mirror, allowing Doobie to view his reflection. Upon seeing what had happened to his once handsome face, Doobie slapped the mirror away now on the verge of tears. His face started to swell up and, what looked to be his eyes, began to water. He looked like he had been shot on the face with a full-auto shotgun for 15 minutes, then given a cleveland steamer.

“Do something Matt, he’s gonna blow!” Spike shouted, hiding behind the barbecue.

“Uhhmm.. Wha- uhh... I got it!” Matt shouted, running back towards the barbecue. Using his magic, he picked up Celestia’s severed head.

“Uhh... Matt... What the fuck are you doing with that?” Spike enquired

“Not now assface, I’m trying to create.” Matt replied, concentrating on the fine art of scooping an alicorns brain out of its severed head.

“Hmmm..” Matt pondered. “It’s missing something.”

“Its brain, perhaps?” Spike answered.

“I’ve got it!” Hollered Matt, picking up a quill from Celestia’s desk and using it to draw a moustache on her empty, severed head. Hiding the so called ‘present’ behind his back, Matt quickly trotted back to Doobie.

“Guess what I got my buddy Doobie?” He asked, smiling like a maniac.

“Pot?” Doobie asked, with hope in his eyes.

“Better.” Matt replied

“Even better than pot? Doobie questioned. “Uhh... A severed head?”

“Bingo!” Matt shouted, shoving Doobie’s fucked up face into Celestia’s mutilated severed head. He wore it like a helmet.

It took Doobie a few seconds to get his face aligned with celestia’s facial features, but he soon got the hang of it. The head was slightly cooked but Doobie didn’t seem to care, It just gave him something to munch on. Matt, once again, hovered a shard of glass for Doobie to model himself in.

“Oh, I look just fabulous!” Doobie smiled, using his hoof to comb his new hair back.

“Maybe you could use it as a disguise, like when you pretended to be Luna.” Spike added, cleaning up the shattered glass.

“What are you inSAYAN?

“Uhh... We can’t. Remember?” Matt said, frowning at Spike.

“Remember what? Doobie asked.

“You fed her fucking horn to that fuck!” Matt shouted, pointing at Spike.

Author's Note

Look at this motherfucker. He's hilarious.

Really Big Boris

“You dumbass, that’s not gonna fucking work.” Matt shouted at Spike, who had just pitched the idea of making another paper mask instead.

“I don’t see why, he doesn’t even have to pretend to be anypony. It’s just to cover up his messed up face.” Spike replied, defending his point to the dumbfounded unicorn.

“That would work if the fucking cunt’s head wasn’t stuck on Doobie’s ugly mug. We have to make it look a little less beat up or somepony might catch wise, it’s our only option at this point.

Magic Matt slowly circled around Doobie, inspecting his head in fine detail.

“By the looks of it the only thing wrong with this is the lack of her big pointy horn thingy.” Matt concluded, baking up a solution to the problem.

“Maybe I can magic one up? Doobie questioned, looking hopeful that his magic wouldn’t fuck him this time.

“I dunno... Are you sure you that your shitty magic won’t make things worse?” Matt questioned
“Who you callin’ shitty? My magic has feelings too, yo.” Doobie said, slightly offended.

Before Matt could spew a profanity filled response Doobie lit up his horn and began a spell that would hopefully restore the horn on Celestia’s severed head, fixing the problem.

His face contorted into something that looked like extreme effort or intense constipation and his magic zoomed out of his horn and hit Matt in the stomach. There was a loud crack and a cloud of smoke appeared. When it dissipated matt was lying on the floor with a large brick crushing his stomach and rib cage.

Doobie tried to lift it off of him using his magic again but only ended up lifting it a few feet and dropping it again because of his somehow slippery with sweat magic. The brick landed right on Matt’s fucking face. He let out a muffled scream from under the brick and flailed his hooves around.

“Spike, do something you lazy niggerfaggot!” Doobie yelled, not wanting to injure his friend any more.

Spike panicked and blew some magical dragonfire at the brick, making it disintegrate into a green cloud. The cloud then traveled two feet to where Doobie was and solidified back into the brick before dropping onto Doobie’s head.

“Oh, right. I sent it to Celestia.” Spike said, looking worried.

Matt got up after a few seconds and saw that Doobie was in the exact position he was in 30 seconds ago and shot a quick detonation spell from his horn which hit the brick and crumbled it, allowing Doobie to get up and suck in a lungful of air.

“Doobie, are you okay?” Said spike, walking over to Doobie who was wobbling around uncertainly.

“N- never butter. Where’s the L- leak, ma'am?” Doobie spewed.

“What?”

“Finland?”

“Okay.”

“When did you get here, Spike?”

“Enough of your shit.” Matt hollered, shooting some magical shit from his horn that hit the half broken horn of Celestia’s head, hoping to restore it.

“D’you smell something cookin’, Matt?” Doobie sniffed, oblivious to the fire blazing on his head. Doobie was beginning to wonder why his head suddenly began to hurt after Matt had blasted it with magic.

“Uh, Doobie... Your head’s on fire.” Spike nervously whimpered

“Ha. Good one, assfuck. What do I look like, a dumba- OH FUCK!” Doobie shouted, putting two and two together and becoming aware of his predicament, he attempted to smother the fire by rolling around on the floor like a mental patient. Somehow the only thing that achieved was to spread the fire all the way down to his ass.

“Spike quick!” Matt shouted

“... What?” He replied

“Fix this!” Matt panicked, still looking for water.

Matt suddenly caught a glimpse of Celestia’s fountain from the corner of his eye, but it was all the way across the other side of the fucking room. There was no way that he could get Doobie to the fountain in time, so he did the only thing he could think of.

A magical aura surrounded Spike’s body, lifting him high off the ground. His body was then fired across the room, falling just short of the fountain.

“Bring some water over here, you purple motherfucker!” Matt hollered, trying to punch the fire off of Doobie’s face.

The force of the impact caused Spike to cough out a stream of green dragonfire. The stream of fire struck the fountain, causing it to turn into a larger puff of dragon fire, which was now traveling straight for Doobie.

Doobie looked up from his feeble attempt at survival to the whisp of magic heading his way and started to panic. He threw Matt out of the way and shot up from the floor making a retarded dash for the exit, while still on fire. The magic followed him even as he changed direction and ran around in circles. Not looking where he was going, Doobie ran straight into a wall, which knocked him on his still burning ass.

A few seconds later, a rather large, concrete fountain materialized just above Doobie’s flailing-in-fear body. It hovered in the air for a few seconds before coming crashing down on him. A sickening crunch was heard as the entire fountain crumbled and fell apart from the impact of the fall. The water that was once inside it poured out all over the surrounding area.

“D- Doobie! You alright?” Matt questioned, using his magic to unbury Doobie.

Thankfully Doobie was no longer on fire, but he had just been crushed. He was still flailing around and gargling something unintelligible. Matt could only assume that he was still attempting to remove the non-existent fire from his body. Matt grabbed hold of Doobie and slapped him a few times to snap him out of his retarded state.

“Fuuuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Doobie yelled, coughing up what seemed to be a rib.

“Is that... One of your ribs? Spike asked

“What makes you think that, ekipS?” Doobie replied

“... Because it just fucking came out of you, maybe.” Matt cut in, examining the sick covered rib.

Doobie used his hooves to feel around his chest “Nope, not mine. Must be one of that Celestia bitches ribs. They were delicious.”

“You actually ate the bone?” Matt asked

“Yeah, it’s the tastiest part.”

Matt examined the rib for a few seconds before lifting it up and hovering it over Doobie’s head. He then used his amazing magic to weld the rib to the end of celestia’s broken horn, thus extending it by about 4 or 5 inches. He then used his magic to engrave and sharpen it to make it look legit.

“There you go you cockjuggling thundercunt, all better.” Matt fucked.

There was a rather loud knock at the huge-ass door, making Doobie’s jimmies rustle.

“Ay madam, someone’s come a-boppin’ at our door.” Matt said to doobie who was most certainly not a madam.

“Shit. Quick Spike, hide the evidence!” Doobie hollered while running over to the door.

“How?” Spike shouted.

“Do I have to do everything you purple bag of fuck?” Doobie yelled as he skidded to a halt, turned around and blasted the table they were once eating at with his destructive magic, setting it and everything within a ten meter radius around it on fire.

“Shit nigger, what are you doing?” Matt yelped as his hat caught fire along with most of his face. He pulled his hat off and started stomping on it while smashing his face onto the floor to try and save his face which was too beautiful to be on fire.

Doobie payed no mind to the bumbling idiots behind him and walked over to the door. He opened it ever so slightly and peeked through, seeing who was on the other side.

“Greetings, auntie.” Prince Blueblood said, looking as pompous and retarded as usual.

“H- hello, nephew. What can your aunt do for you today?” Doobie said, putting on his best Princess Celestia voice.

“Just wondering wether you might join me for a spot of tea, perhaps?” Prince Bluefuck asked, with a smile on his stupid face.

“Oh, not today I’m afraid. Me and Luna have some important business that needs attending to, thanks for the offer though.” Doobie lied, shielding Blueblood’s view of the burning room.

“Is everything alright, auntie?” Blueblood asked, trying to peek past Doobie, who was beginning to sweat like a retarded sprinkler.

“Yes, now go the fuck away. Dickhead.” Doobie responded

“...Alright, alright, I’m leaving. You didn’t have to yell.” Blueblood mumbled. Obviously offended, he began to walk away.

“I don’t give a fuck about your feelings! If I knew you were this much of a pussy I would have never adopted you.”

“Ex- Excuse me?” Bluefuck stuttered “What do you mean, adopted?”

“You’re not really a prince, you’re just as worthless as the pile of dead monkeys I found you in!” Doobie shouted, sounding less like Celestia and more like a retarded green unicorn who may or may not be suffering from brain damage.

“B- But... I...” He whimpered, looking back at Doobie “Wait a second... Is that... Do you have a moustache?

“Um...”

Prince Blueblood walked back to where Doobie was standing and stared at him as he silently cursed Matt for being so hilarious.

As Doobie sweated more than when Pinkie did when he shoved her into her own oven while she was choking on a glass cupcake (That’s what I call baked bads) Prince Blueblood looked intently at the expert disguise, trying to figure out why his aunt had a moustache.

“Auntie, why on earth do you have a moustache? More importantly, HOW do you have a moustache?” Blueblood asked, obviously starting to catch onto the fact that his auntie was, in fact, an imposter.

“B- b- b- back that shit up, what moustache?” Doobie said, turning his head to the side to try and rub off the hilarious addition of facial hair.

Upon doing so he gave Blueblood a complete view of the now completely on fire throne room and the two people desperately trying to quell the raging inferno.

“Auntie! Why is the throne room on fire?” Blueblood shouted, barging past Doobie and staring at the disaster.

“Fuck! You guys, why didn’t you control the fire?” Doobie screamed, having smudged his moustache over his chin to make it look like a beard.

Matt turned around and screamed at the top of his lungs “Fuck you cockmaster, you started the fire! How was I supposed to get rid of it when my hat and face were burning?”

Matt then turned back to the fire and tried to summon a stream of water but alas, his enchanted hat was damaged and his magic was back to regular pony power. The hat itself was not magical but it made him feel like a true wizard. Think of it like a big fat placebo.

“Do something, Doobie!” Spike screamed, not being hurt by the flames but still panicking as a fire this big would attract the royal guards any moment. You’d think they would have arrived during the epic battle but the dumbass authors didn’t think of that at the time.

Doobie pointed his horn at the inferno as blueblood gawked at the ridiculous scene and fired a bolt of magic straight into the flame. A few seconds passed and nothing happened then then the fire started to shrink. Doobie gave a sigh of relief and relaxed thinking that he had saved the day.

He was wrong.

As the fire grew smaller it also started to take shape. As doobie realised this it was already too late. The flames condensed to form a shape so terrifying Matt and Spike sprinted behind doobie and whimpered like little pigs.

“What in Equestria is that?” blueblood shouted, looking in fear at the monstrosity before them.

“It’s Really Big Boris. The juggling monkey.” Doobie said, frozen in fear.

“D- Doobie, i need my hat! Without my hat I’m powerless!” Matt screamed as Really Big Boris started to notice the three ponies and the dragon.

“o- okay, I’ll try my best!” Doobie said as he pointed his horn toward Matt’s head and concentrated on giving him his hat back. A bolt of magic shot from his ugly mug and hit the top of matt’s head, forming into the shape of a hat. It solidified into a small pink crown.

“What the fuck is this shit? Matt hollered at he took the crown off and looked at it.

“It’s, uh, a super duper magic hat, much better than your old one!” Doobie yelled.

“Oh! Well, in that case...” Matt said, getting up and putting the hat on.

Really Big Boris the flaming monkey started to lumber towards the guys, pure hatred in his blazing eyes. Matt walked forward and stood his ground once more against the colossus that threatened his friends. And Blueblood.

Satanic Shitfest

“Fuuuuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Matt pissed, trying not to shit all over his own face.

“Oh noooo.” Doobie fucked, running like a dumbass towards the massive manifested monkey. “I’ll save you!” Doobie slurred as he launched himself onto the monkey’s face, yelling: “I’m gonna mess you up!”

He landed on the monkey’s flaming face, forgetting that the beast was still ablaze. Instantly he felt immense pain from the fire turning his body into charcoal.

“Holy fucking shit, it burns!” He exclaimed, releasing his grip and therefore sliding onto the ground beneath Boris.

Matt was busy getting his face punched to fuck by really big boris. By now he was used to getting the shit kicked outta him, over time he had grown to enjoy it. Probably because his body had given up making him feel pain, so it just felt like being slapped by a large pillow. Spike was running in circles trying to figure out what to do. Blueblood was watching the spectacle in awe of the three guys’ stupidity. Not that he was planning on helping or anything, after all he didn’t want to get dirty.

Doobie picked himself up off of the floor, brushing the flames from his coat. He knew that there was only one thing he could do, one sure-fire way of dealing with boris once and for all, one thing that would render the beast... Served.

“Hey ugly!” Doobie screamed as he stepped forward, challenging the behemoth threatening his friend’s life.

Really Big Boris turned slightly to look Doobie straight in the eye. Even the beast’s glare was enough to make Doobie sweat like a blind man in a prison shower, but then so was anything.

“C- come and get some, n- nigger ass.” Doobie said.

Boris roared and threw Matt at Doobie who promptly fell out of the way, getting up again to start the one thing that could defeat him.

A sick-ass rap.

“Hey Boris, you goin down cause I’m like chuck norris. You aint shit compared to me cause I’m the king of doin’ this. Rappin’ is like toast, if you burn it it’s not very good. Um... Yous about to get burned though, my grandma says so. She a fine-ass old lady who makes the dough. You’ll never be good as me as long as you live, you should just go. Do you even lift, bro?”

Really Big Boris screamed and shrank, stumbling backward upon hearing Doobie’s sick-ass beat.

“You think I’m done? No way jose. I’m slick like butter. I’ll make you eat your own shit and then I’ll fuck your mother. Don’t you ever cross me dawg, I have a copious amount of money. Not to mention my bitches, I don’t have any. I’m so lonely and sad, you don’t even know but that’s okay because I got this pizza dough. That last rhyme didn’t make much sense but that’s because all this rappin’ is leavin’ my brain spent.”

Boris screamed again, his brain fucked by Doobie’s beautiful lyrical love. He fell onto his ass and looked at Doobie as he prepared to finish off the now pitiful juggling monkey.

“Yo yo big boy, my rappin’s like spaghetti. It’s gonna be your nightmare and you gonna see freddy. I’m gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket. I dunno what that means but I heard it on a song once. That didn’t rhyme. I’m fucking amazing. You’re a bitch nigger. Don’t even fucking cross me again or I’ll pull the trigger.”

Boris let out a moan as the godlike verse hit him in full force, obliterating his very soul. His body was blasted back and disappeared into the wind, getting blown out of the window. The battle was over.

“Shit doobie, you served him!” Matt said from the floor where he was lying, nearly every bone in his body broken from the savage beating he had endured.

“Thanks Matt. Here, let me fix you up.” Doobie said, pointing his horn at Matt.

“I don’t think that’s a very go- AAAAH!” Matt screamed as Doobie’s highly unstable magic smashed into him and sent him flying into Spike.

Doobie rushed over to where he had just blasted his friend and feasted his eyes upon the crippled cuntbag. He was clearly dead... Smoke was coming from the areas that had been struck by Doobie’s deadly magic.

“Holy fuck, his lungs aren’t supposed to do that!” Spike yelled, trying to stuff Matt’s lungs back into his open chest hole. “What the flying cunt did you do?”

“H- Hold up, I can fix this. J- Just give me a s- second.” Doobie stammered, clearly under pressure and not having a clue what he was doing. He looked around the room, searching for something that could somehow heal Matt’s massive open chest wound even though he was clearly already dead.

“Doobie... You fucked up real bad this time.” Spike muttered, picking bits of bone fragment out of his scales.

“I uh... I can fix this.”

“No you fucking can’t, you worthless piece of shit. You can’t do anything right, this is why I always liked Matt more!” Spike yelled at the confused pony.

Spike was beginning to realize that his life had been pretty much ruined by the two unicorns. They killed all of his friends and have left him practically homeless and left to wander the streets with the two buffoons he called his friends. As they rob and murder passersby for the gold in their wallets. Let alone committing countless and unforgivable atrocities throughout Equestria.

“Y- You don’t mean that. You know how amazing I am.” Doobie fucked. The smell of burnt flesh filled the room, Matt may still have been on fire.

“I meant every word. You ruined my life, Doobie. You and matt fucked it all up!” Spike replied, crossing his arms and turning his back on Doobie.

“I’ll show you, you prickly asshole. I’ll fix this, I’ll fix everything.” Doobie thundered as his horn lit up.

He began spewing demonic words and violently twitching every few seconds. His eyes widened as he focused on Blueblood, who was trying to sneak out of the room. His horn lit up like a firework and enveloped a green aura. Blueblood literally shat on the spot. Some more demonic words were muttered in the voice of the devil, something along the lines of ‘Tear the soul from one and pass it to the other’.
Doobie’s horn blasted Blueblood with an almighty force of unholy power. His soul was torn from his body, he fell to the floor, dead.

“D-Doobie... Are you sure you know what you are doing?” Spike questioned. “Wait... Of course you don’t, why did I even ask you that?”

Doobie’s magic absorbed Blueblood’s soul, did a 360 and headed straight back towards Matt. As the magic passed Doobie, it gained some kind of uber-charge. Whatever it was, that shit became blindingly bright. The beam of uber magical superbad struck Matt, engulfing his corpse in a large floating orb of pure energy. Doobie was still spewing satanic verses and was being generally unpleasant. The light began to slowly dim down until Matt was clearly visible. He was standing in a pool of his own blood, smiling and looking a little possessed.

“Matt! Thank fuck you’re ok, I was really worried.” Spike yelled, running up to Matt and hugging him around the torso.

After Matt had thrown Spike out of the way, he looked up and stretched his fat flank. He noticed that he was standing in a pool of blood and bone fragments.

“I command you to spill the blood of the innocent. I mean.. uhh.. Do you smell burning?” Matt asked Spike as he began sniffing the air around him.

Doobie had ended his spell and was back to being himself. He trotted over to where Matt stood, proud of himself bringing his friend back to life and also being able to kill somebody he didn’t like in the process.

“Hey Matt... I totally didn’t kill you or anything.” Doobie said with pride, he was on a roll today. His magic hadn’t fucked anything up for more than 20 minutes that he couldn’t fix with even worse magic.

Doobie turned his attention to Spike. “ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ” he whispered gently.

Spike looked rather afraid. He had underestimated Doobie’s unlikely potential to do something useful. Matt trotted over to where Doobie was standing but slipped on the pool of his own blood just before reaching his destination. He fell violently forward and landed on Doobie, stabbing him in the ass with his pointy horn.

“Holy cunt, what have you done?” He yelled, clutching his bleeding ass-hole.

“Oh shizzle.” Matt blapped, picking himself up off of the floor. “These pointy things on our heads are pretty dangerous. But uhh...nothing your fabulous magic won't heal, ay Doobie?”

“Uuh... I guess I could try to heal myself.” Groaned Doobie as he pointed his horn at his ruptured flank. “Alright, here goes nothi- AAAAAHHH!”

Doobie screamed as his overpowered but uncontrollable magic tore a hole in the very fabric of reality. Everything within the vicinity was sucked into the void, including Spike. Matt and Doobie attempted hang on to whatever they could to try and prevent themselves from being sucked out of their current universe.

“FUCK! Doobie, I’m s- slipping!” Matt screamed like a little girl getting her first period, losing his grip on the barbeque that he had welded to the floor for just such an occasion.

Matt looked up and saw Doobie flying through the air and flailing his legs around as he was being sucked into the abyss. Unfortunately for Matt, Doobie slammed into him mid-flight, knocking him further into the deathly grip of the terrifying orbit.

“Fuuuuuck! Grab me, grab me, grab me, grab me, grab meeeeeeee!” Doobie shrieked as his ass got sucked through the wormhole.

Eventually Matt lost his grip on the sublime stove and tumbled head first into unknown abyss that had just consumed his friends.

Author's Note

What happens next? Only the future can tell. Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of world renowned “Doobie and Magic Matt ruin everything”. Cunts.

Seeming as me (Magic Matt) and Mr. Foster are fucking lazy cuntbags, the next chapter is a long way away. Like... Further than I can throw a jew. Even with both of my arms. Stay tuned anyway you bunch of shit eating cunts. I fucking hate every single one of you.

-Magic “Cunt Destroyer” Matt

Don't worry about him, I (Mr. Foster) and Matt will have you wonderful cunts a new chapter by whenever the fuck we feel like. not that anyone really cares. Just look at that mountain of dislikes. I am the fucking best.

Back to Earth

Oswald the gravy genie was sitting on the sofa of the apartment watching bargain hunt on DVD box set when a sudden beam of light radiated through a gap in the curtains. The trail of light traveled across his face, slightly pissing him off. Unable to see the TV screen, he swiped the cookie crumbs off his jacketses and slithered towards the source of this unnatural light show. Opening the curtains as far as his lazy arms could be asked, he feasted his blurry eyes upon the strange spectacle before him. “Must be a group of them damn kids again, I’ll give them something to laugh about.” Ozwald mumbled, anticipating a brief encounter with a small gang of youths. It wasn’t the first time he had to deal with strange visitors; tax collectors, johoseph witnesses, bitches asking for child support, the doorbell never ceased to annoy him. The previous owners of the place sure did like to piss people off, which would probably explain why the house had been targeted by the neighbourhood gangs at night. Whatever the reason, this was Oswald’s crib now, and he doesn’t take shit from nobody.

“Alright cunts, you best be runnin’!” The slightly pissed off genie spat, clearly he had had enough of their shit.

He flung open the door, changed his pitch up and got ready to smack a bitch up. He was greeted by a rather odd sight. He was a gravy genie though so he was used to odd shit. Just last week he found a quartet of skeletons in the bread cupboard, they sung him a lovely song and xylophoned out to a phat beat.

There was a small portal hovering just outside the upstairs window where he was previously watching the telly and having a cuppa. Before you could say “Shit wank motherfucking ass nigger cheese” Two guys and a purple dog shot out of the portal screaming obscenities and barking respectively, they crashed rather painfully through the window.

Oswald closed the door and casually floated upstairs to where he was greeted by two naked guys and a panicked looking dog watching antiques roadshow on his sofa and drinking his tea.

“What the fuck is this shit?” He roared, looking at the cunt who was drinking his fucking tea.

Doobie looked over at Oswald.

“Sup.”

“Wait a minute. I know you two. You’re the guys I stole this apartment from after I sent you to Equestria!” Oswald exclaimed.

“Bingo.”

“Well what are you doing here?”

“Magic.” Matt snorted.

“I see.”

Oswald and Doobie looked at each other for a good long three seconds before the small purple dog started yelping.

“Shut the fuck up Spike, we’re trying to watch the roadshow.” Matt said, kicking the little fucker in the face.

Spike continued to yap his furry ass off while Doobie picked him up and looked at him. Spike appeared to be a small purple yorkshire terrier.

“That’s hilarious.” Matt said.

“Why is spike a dog?” Doobie said, puzzled.

“Well, if we turned back into humans then Spike would turn into an earth creature too right?” Matt said.

Both of the authors took a moment of silence to mourn the creation of Equestria Girls. Fucking retarded humanised shit. Fucking stupid Spike as a dog. Fucking 6 month wait until season 4.

You know what? We’re changing this story. Spike’s not a fucking dog anymore. He’s a human. A naked thirteen year old little boy. Yeah.

“What the fuck mate?” Doobie said, dropping the now humanised Spike on to the stained shag carpeting.

“I guess the authors changed their minds but were too lazy to change the rest of the chapter.” Matt said.

Doobie looked at him confused but decided not to question Matt’s almighty wisdom.

“Excuse me, may I interrupt?” Oswald the pissed off genie said, looking at the three naked guys and the smashed window. “I’ll give you three more wishes if you go back to Equestria.”

“Sure thing, son.” Doobie hollered. “I wish Shrek was here!”

“Okay.” Oswald said, snapping his fingers and summoning the ogre.

“Eh? What?” Shrek the ogre said, quite disappointed he wasn’t in his swamp taking a fat ogre shit any more. He was also rather confused.

“Shrek! You’re here!” Doobie said, giving Shrek a big naked hug. “Shrek is love, Shrek is life.” He whispered gently to himself.

“What? Get off me, laddie!” Shrek said, pushing Doobie off of him. Doobie landed on his stupid ass and just gazed at his second best childhood hero, the first being Adolf Hitler.

“Hmm...” Matt pondered, trying to think of something to wish for.
“Mind hurrying the fuck up? I’m missing the roadshow and you two cunts are too cheap to buy the premium package, so I can’t pause this shit.” The all powerful, all pissed off genie spat, keeping one eye on the television.

“Calm the fuck down, I’ve already decided.” Matt said,as he dived into a pile of used underwear. He searched deep within the pile of about 9 seconds, wielding a picture in his right hand upon exiting the foul mess.

“This guy right here.” Matt laughed, holding up the picture of one of his friends. “Magic him over here, now!”

“Oh nononono, I’m trying to get rid of you fucks, the last thing I want is for more of you to show up.”

“You didn’t seem to mind when you teleported Shrek here.” Doobie said, glancing at the 7ft ogre who was busy drinking Oswald’s tea.

“Urgh... Very well.” Oswald mumbled, clicking his fingers and summoning the one they call ‘Steve’.

“Huh... wah? W- where am I, Matt?” Steve mumbled, obviously confused as to where he was. He turned and looked to Doobie for a few seconds, puzzled at why he was naked.

“W- wesley... Where am I?”

“The name is Doobie... Prick.” Doobie grumbled.

“Matt, where am I- HOLY FUCK IS THAT SHREK STANDING NEXT TO A GENIE?” Steve shouted, smelling like he had shit his pants.

“Matt... Why would you want to bring this flabby fuck face here anyway?” Doobie questioned, scratching at his sweaty naked ass.

“Alright!” Matt said, throwing an onion to Shrek. “Yo cuntface, beat Steve to death with that there onion and then you can go home. Promise.”

“... Alrighty then, laddy. If ya promise to take me back to mah swamp, I’ll smash this guy’s face in with this here onion.”

“I already said I promise, you daft cunt. Beat his ass already!” Matt fucked, punching the air around him.

Steve pissed himself. The carpet moistened as the warm stream flowed down his legs, pooling on the floor beneath him. Shrek turned to him, grinning slightly. Matt and Doobie stood behind the ogre and waited, hearing a few brief smacks in quick succession, followed by the squish of onion hitting soft brain matter. It was all ogre for Steven as his pale white face was literally smeared all over shag carpeting. The sight of the horrid mess brought a tear to Matt’s eyes, fucking onions.
“Alright laddy, he’s not getting back up. That you can be sure of.” Shrek chuckled, keeping his side of the bargain.

“Hey Shitface, Guess what?” Ozzy the magical gravy covered cunt fuck whispered.

“Youwhut?” Shrek gasped, turning to the beef flavored floundering frisky fiend.

“You never really existed. Everything you are now and all of your memories were conjured up by me when I used my magic to get you here. Now it’s time for you to stop existing. Goodbye.” Oswald fucked, clicking his fingers.

“Wait wait wait no no noooooo-” Shrek screamed as his body was slowly wiped from existence.

“Aaaaahahhahaha bisto, bitch! You see that nigga’s face, you guys? He was about to take a nasty shit all over the carpet.” Ozwald exclaimed, rolling on the floor; his sides were quite literally splitting.

“That wasn’t very nice, Oswald.” Doobie said. “We may have done brutal disgusting things to the mane six including feeding Pinkie Pie a glass cupcake and then shoving her into an oven but you hurt his feelings.”

“Oh. Fuck off, grasshopper.” Oswald spat, shaping his hands into two guns and shooting Doobie in the face with psychic bullets. He flew across the room and landed on the wall with an audible splat.

“Right, now that the cunt is out of commission I’d like to make our third wish.” Matt said, looking rustled because he had to decide what to use the wish on.

Doobie slowly got up and fell over to the other guys who were debating what to use the last wish on.

“Well, we could wish for a nice car.” Matt said.

“Or we could wish for clothes.” The obviously uncomfortable Spike said.

“Or we cou- I WISH MATT WAS AN ALICORN!” Doobie screamed.

“Wait wu-” Was all Matt had time to say before he started screaming in horrible pain while two wings exploded from his back, tearing his muscle and skin asunder and a horn sprouted from his head, splitting the front of his skull.

“M- Matt... You’re an Alicorn!” Spike said.

Matt was unaware of anyone talking to him as he had now passed out from the tremendous pain.

All three of the guys looked down at Matt who was now bleeding all over the carpet. Spike tried to mop up the red mess using an already wet flannel, if there was anything less moist within an arms reach he’d gladly use it instead but there wasn’t. Matt was busy twitching and bleeding out of his everywhere.

“Anything else I can do for you retarded shits?” Oswald said.

“Can you take us to Asda?” Doobie said.

“You what?” Spike muttered, confused as to what an Asda was. Doobie didn’t hesitate in kicking him out of his line of sight.

“Urgh, fine.” The all powerful genie grumbled. “I’m all out of Dr. Pepper anyway.”

“Guys, Matt’s gone.” Spike said, having looked back down to see only a red and slightly yellow puddle.

“You wot? How did he go without us noticing? WHERE did he go?” Doobie said, puzzled.

***************

“What the fuck do you mean you’re all out of chicken dippers?” Matt yelled at an indian employee as he pointed a machete at the guy’s face. “Unless you have some freshly cooked dippers in your pocket, you’re gonna start seeing some freaky shit! I will slay you now where you fucking stand you filthy paki cunt!” Matt and Doobie were extremely racist individuals.

“Paki bastards!” Doobie yelled, wielding an old lady via headlock.

“Chicken Dippers?” Spike said, reading the empty packet that was on the floor. Matt had cleaned out the entire stock of them from the frozen food section of the curry smelling shop.

“Good thing we found him before he murdered anyone.” Oswald said.

Matt jumped over the counter, pushed the shopkeeper to the floor and started hacking away at the poor bastard’s face.

“Damn. Where did he even get a machete?” Oswald said.

“I found it!” Matt hollered, still going to town on the face and neck of the now dead man.

**********

Oswald was busy sitting in his mini, listening to ‘what is love?’ He had had enough of that shit and was smoking a joint on his own for the first time in 45 minutes.

The back door opened and the three naked guys dived in.

“What the fuck, mates? You’re getting blood over the leather!” Oswald shouted.

“Motherfuck off, this is our car.” Doobie said, who was now wearing the indian man’s face as a mask.

“Well come on now, don’t fuck about. Fucking drive!” Matt slurred.

Spike just whimpered as he sat on Doobie’s lap and tried to ignore the fact that they were all naked and holding loot including booze and fag papers from the store.

Matt grabbed the joint from the now extremely pissed off Oswald’s hand and took a puff then handed it to Doobie. Matt was starting to feel better and the horrible pain from the wings and horn he had sprouted was now going away thanks to him being stoned.

Oswald was instructed by Doobie to drive to the local police station. Oswald didn’t know why nor did he care, he just wanted this nightmare to end and maybe the guys would be arrested.

Doobie got out of the car, stole Oswald’s favourite lighter and a handkerchief. He then took a bottle of booze and made a molotov cocktail, threw it at the door of the station and went back into the car.

Oswald floored it and they were on the way to the next destination. They saw sirens behind them.

“God damn it, you guys are gonna get me arrested! What are we gonna do now?” Oswald hollered, avoiding oncoming traffic as he tried to escape the pigs.

“Just drive!” Matt said, sticking his head out of the window. Luckily his new horn worked and he shot a few beams of something bad at the police cars and they exploded into a million pieces. Problem solved.

“Where to?” Oswald said, relieved he was not going to be arrested. His weakness was police officers. Yeah, that makes sense. The authors aren’t trying to give him a retarded weakness because they didn’t want to go back and rewrite the last few paragraphs saying that Oswald wasn’t worried about the pigs in blue.

As the mini that looked exactly like Mr. Bean’s one sped through London’s filthy chav ridden streets Matt and Doobie tried to think of anything they wanted to do before going back to Equestria. Suddenly it clicked.

“The fucking Queen! She just sits on her old arse all day and does nothing!” Doobie shouted.

“...You guys aren’t going to kill the queen, are you?” Oswald said, surprised by even their stupidity.

“Cunt off fuckbag, drive us to the palace.” Matt said. Oswald sighed and took the third exit on the roundabout.

They arrived about half an hour later and all got out. Oswald had tried to convince them how bad on an idea this was but they were having none of it. He groaned and put a cloaking spell on all of them and they walked through the guards and climbed up the Queen’s bedroom window.

The Queen of england was lying in her jewel encrusted bed reading the latest issue of Dubstep Weekly. She heard a crash and looked towards her open window, seeing nothing there she turned back to the article about Flux Pavilion's new EP. There was another crash that sounded like it was right beside her, so she got up and had a look around. She saw three pairs of feet behind the curtains.

She was about to blow her guard whistle when a fist behind the curtain hit her square in the jaw. She spun and fell, out cold. Matt left the cover of the curtains and went straight to kicking the queen in the tits.

Doobie went over to her crown stand and put it on. He was now a naked 25 year old man wearing an indian man’s face and the Queen’s crown. Sounds like a regular outfit belonging to lady gaga. Bazinga.

“This is an extremely bad idea, guys. Seriously.” Oswald said, Spike nodding in agreement.

“Just a sec and then we’ll be out of here.” Matt said, picking up the queen and putting her over his shoulder. He carried her over to the window and looked down, satisfied with the height he did a 360 and flung her out of it, looking at her sail gracefully through the air before splatting on the ground.

“Right. You killed a shopkeeper, set fire to a local police station, murdered some officers, stole the crown and murdered the queen. For no reason. Can we PLEASE just go now? You idiots have caused enough unnecessary trouble for me and for the country tonight.” Oswald begged.

“...Fine. Hopefully the portal is still open.” Doobie said.

“No need.” Said Oswald, opening a fresh new portal. “Go right ahead, you cunts.”

Each of the guys ran and jumped through the portal into Equestria before Oswald conjured up some weed and threw it in after them and closed it again. He cast a cloaking spell again, went to his blood-soaked car and drove home.

Author's Note

Here's an MS paint drawing of Matt growing shiny new wings and a lovely horn.

The Library

“Ooh fuck this is gonna hurt.” Matt yelled as all three of them soared across the equestrian sky in a meteorite like fashion.

They were covered in a bright fireball as they went through the sudden process of morphing back into their Equestrian bodies. Matt being turned into an alicorn, Spike and Doobie just back into their regular forms. After the initial impact sent Spike flying back into the sky, the two remaining ponies settled in their impact crater for a few moments to get their shit together.

They seemed to have crashed in an area on the outskirts of the everfree forest. Doobie remembered the location as the exact same spot that him and Matt landed in when they first arrived in equestria. To Doobie, the impact of the crash felt like being punched in the face by God. Clutching his broken face, he clambered out of the large groove his ass had made in the crater, spotting a few bags of weed and gathering them up.

“Seems like that genie fuck decided to give us a few bags of weed for the road, ain't that some fucking wonderful shit right there.” Doobie fucking wanked as he waited for a response from his alicorn friend.

He waited for as long as his mind was able, this was made easier because he seemed to have spotted a squirrel. About 2 minutes passed before he had had enough and peeked back in the crater. There he found Matt, lying in a pile of his own excrement with an expression of complete retardation on his face.

“Hey Matt... You uhh... You gonna wipe that up or am I gonna have go get Spike?”

“Mpppffhhuuugghhh” Matt drooled, flapping one of his wings around. Doobie assumed it was to fan away the stench of shit.

Doobie took it upon himself to punch Matt’s brain back into working mode. It took a few swift hooks to get Matt armed and fully operational but Doobie seemed to enjoy it, so he didn’t stop until Matt had to physically knock his ass to the ground.

“Prick.” Matt mumbled as he glanced over at Doobie for a second. “Well assface, seems like we’ve regenerated or some shit like that because your face isn’t all fucked up anymore. Now you almost look normal.”

Doobie responded with a toothless smile, Matt noticed his lack of teeth and smiled slightly.

“Heheh, almost normal.” he chuckled.

“W-what? What the fuck are you giggling about? You better spit out the answer or you’ll be spitting out blood, my friend.” Doobie yelled, ironically spraying blood all over the fucking place.

“O-oh... Fuck.” Doobie cursed, looking at the floor to see where his teeth had run away to.

“We don’t have time for this, asshole. Let’s fuck off back to Twilight’s place before the fuzz get here and start asking questions, you know; the type of questions that usually end up with me stabbing a load of people and then having to run like hell through a hail of bullets.” Matt yelled, punching the air around him.

“What are you doing?” Doobie enquired

“Practicing my stabbin’, now let’s move.” Matt fucked, trotting on down the dusty road towards one of their many victims’ residence. Doobie followed, despite lacking teeth, his speech was still pretty fluent. Maybe they could find a spell that could resolve this problem back at the library.

“Seeming as we are currently in a world of magical ponies and shit, do you think it would be possible for the doctors to use magic to heal the mane six? For all we know they could all be fully healed and ready to fuck our shit up. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were a little pissed.” Doobie questioned, trotting alongside Matt.

“What makes you think that, Doobie?” The gray alicorn responded.

“We nearly killed all of them, and then we dropped a hospital on them which probably did kill them.”

“We also killed and ate their dear leader, Princess Sunbutt. That probably pissed everybody off.”

“Shhh, nobody knows about that one.” Doobie whispered

“They probably know by now, they just don’t know who did it.”

“Yeah, I’d love to have seen the look on whoevers face that happened to stumble across that blood bath. Shit must have been priceless.”

“Fo’ rizzle.” Matt added, spotting the library off in the distance.

The two misfits stood gingerly outside the front door, scanning the target building for hostile horses. Matt spotted a Spike shaped hole on the side of the building. “I guess we won’t have to bother looking for that purple fuck, not like we were going to anyway.” Matt whispered to himself. Judging by the candles on the windowsill and the smell of pie, Matt assumed Spike had made himself at home after his initial crash, which also gave him the feeling that Twi’s house hadn’t been resold after her supposed death.

Matt waved at Doobie to join him as he entered the library through the newly fitted door.

“Wait just a fucking minute.” Doobie yelled, stopping Matt from going near the entrance. “There must be somebody living here to have fixed the door. Maybe when Spike flew in through the wall the owner of the place just threw his scaly ass out.”

“Only one way to find out, I guess.” Matt replied, using his magic to turn the doorknob.

The two stallions tumbled through the door and into the wide room. Matt instantly darted behind the nearest pile of cover and started eyeballing the room. Turns out that a pair of Twilight's sexy striped socks didn’t make for good cover.

“Sup faggots.” Spike muttered, standing in the middle of the room and holding a steamy pie.

Doobie casually walked over to Spike and took his pie from him, shoving the supposedly moist morsel into his toothless mouth. To his surprise, the apparently crunchy pie was actually made using gems. Doobie responded to this disappointment by splitting the pie back out and all over Spike’s face.

“You trying to kill me? Asshole.” He spat.

“It wasn’t for you, it was supposed to be for me.” Spike angrily responded, throwing his cute little apron on the ground.

“Whatchoo fuckin’ say to me, m8? If you didn’t bounce like fucking beach ball then this crazy nigga ass shit wouldn’t have happened. Asswipe.” Doobie continued to spit; small chunks of crust flew from his mouth, most of the pieces were still making contact with Spike.

“Enough of your shit Spike, Is that Purple cunt still alive?” Matt fucked

“Y- You mean Twilight? Haven’t seen her.” Spike spaghettisplashed.

Matt closed the door with his magic and walked over to Doobie, seeing the bags of weed he had stashed on his back.

“Ay... You gon’ share?” Matt chundered.

“No.” Doobie niggered.

Matt bucked Doobie in the side sending him flying into the wall and picked up the bags of weed, bringing them over to Spike. He then pulled some skins out of his mane and got Spike to start rolling a ton of joints for later. He sat down with one and the three of them started to get blazed in the middle of the library.

The door swung open and two ponies came in. One was purple, had one leg and was in a wheelchair. The other was wearing a rather beaten up stetson and was yellower than the guys remembered.

Applejack and Twilight Sparkle.

The four ponies and the dragon all stared at eachother for a good ten seconds before Matt ignited his horn, grabbed the mares and stuffed two socks into each of their mouths.

The two mares were thrown about the room looking panicked before Matt decided where to put them. He opened up the basement door and tried to throw them in, on his first attempt smashing them into the wall next to the door.

“Oops.” Matt said.

He threw them through the doorway and down the stairs, wheelchair and all. The guys heard crashing and muffled screams as the two mares tumbled arse over crotchtits down the long flight of stairs leading into the basement of the library.

The door was slammed shut by Matt’s magic, he then sat down and took another puff of the spliff; Spike and Doobie sat there not sure at what had just happened.

“Um.. Was that...” Spike began.

“Yeah.” Matt said.

“And you...” Doobie said.

“Mhmm.” Matt mumbled before getting up and handing the spliff to the other guys.

Spike and Doobie finished off the blunt and got up too, all of them walking over to the basement door.

Before they could open it the door was busted down and hit Doobie in the face, sending him to the floor.

“Oof! Fucking cunts, this door attacked me!” Doobie yelled from under the thick wood.

On the other side of the door was Applejack, her back legs looked like they had been squashed. They slowly regained their normal look. Matt concluded that her yellowish coat and soft body was a result from the doctors not being able to fully transform her back into a pony so she was still part cheese. He licked his lips.

“Y’know, I’ve got the munchies.” Matt said, prowling towards Applejack who now looked more than scared.

“N- no! Not again! Ah’m not going back down your gullet you freak!” Applejack yelled, running back down
the stairs and cowering next to the unconscious but sexy Twilight.

Matt slowly descended the stairs followed by Spike and Doobie, staring deep into Applejack’s soul with his hungry eyes.

“No, no! Oh Celestia please no!” Applejack shrieked, backing up into the wall.

Matt gave an almighty beat of his new wings, lift off and then went straight back down, tumbling down the stairs screaming horrid obscenities the whole way. He hadn’t learned how to fly yet. As he got back up at the bottom of the stairs Applejack had a confused look on her face as she had just noticed his new wings.

“Wh- What? Yer an alicorn?” Applejack asked, confused.

“Yes. I ate Celestia and gained her power.” Matt said ominously.

“No. No! It can’t be! You didn’t kill her too!” Applejack screamed, tears filling her eyes.

“We did. Now you’re next.” Matt said, igniting his horn and teleporting them both away.

Doobie and Spike heard crashes and screams from the kitchen, followed by the loud clang of a frying pan smacking something. They turned to Twilight, who had begun to stir.

“Wh- who are you? Where am I?” Twilight said, barely conscious.

“Um... We’re library inspectors. You fell down the basement stairs as you were giving us a tour.” Doobie said, thinking quickly.

Matt stumbled out of the kitchen, wielding a large sledge hammer coated in cheese. After falling down the basement stairs, he turned to Twilight and began yelling at her like a pissed off monkey.

“WOLOLO.” He shrieked, waving his hooves in the air and spinning around; dominating his territory. He started to swing the large tool around, coincidentally smacking Spike across the jaw and causing him to become airborne. His scaly ass flew across the room and crashed into a fireplace. Luckily his scales prevented him from ending up in the same chrispy state as a certain yellow mare. Flutterfuck was lucky Matt was full, otherwise she might not have her 3 remaining legs; that is if she was still alive.

“What the fuck, Matt?” Doobie shouted. “For the love of fuck stop swinging that shit in my face!”

Matt decided to ignore Doobie, continuing his little rampage. After knocking a few books over and smacking Spike a few more times, he placed the hammer down and took a seat by Doobie.

“What was that all about, you dumb cunt?” Doobie enquired, looking slightly more pissed off than usual.

“While I was wrestling with that delicious, cheese coated cuntbag, she kicked me in the fucking face.” Matt rambled, acting out a rather interesting fight scene.

“That’s why you flipped out?” Spike questioned.

“No, I’m getting there. Back the fuck up, Spike.” Matt continued. “Anyway, I fell to the floor and held my face. At this point, she walked up to me and said “Pfff... Don’t make a meal of it, ya lil’ bitch.” I uncovered my fragile face long enough yell “Who the fuck are you calling a panzy ass faggot?” In response. She stuttered, trying to make sense of my masterful comeback. I quickly sat up and took a chomp out of her chewie flank while she was stunned. She screamed and shit, grabbing her ass and falling to the ground, giving me ample opportunity to find an exotic way to finish her. My head spun around the kitchen until I spotted a good old hammer. “That should do it.” I thought, picking it up and killing cheese face with it. I did in fact make a meal of it, a very delicious one.”

“... Y- You done?” Doobie questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you know how I act when I’ve got some cheese in me.

“Y-You ate Applejack...” Spike stuttered.

“Sure did.” Matt chuckled.

Mr. Foster sat back and reread the last page or so of material.

He looked at Matt.

Matt smiled.

Mr. Foster shrugged and uploaded the chapter because he was too lazy to rewrite the shit that Matt had just spewed onto the Google doc.

Author's Note

*shrug*

Brain Damage

“u cheeky kunt, dat woz a good 1 m8.” Matt slurred in a drunken british fashion. “‘bout time i start tryin’, ay pal?”

“don’t kid urself m8, u can’t even take a punch. me mum can throw a beta punch than u and she aien’t got no arms init.” Doobie responded in a similar fashion, leaning up against the fridge as he couldn’t stand without falling almost instantaneously.

It was round two of their lightweight boxing match. Lightweight because they were clearly drunk after only having a few beers. Matt though it was a great idea for the fight to take place in the kitchen as he could grab a quick snack between rounds. Twilight protested to this idea when Matt first announced it, but a sneaky punt to the jaw fixed that problem right out. Doobie had slung her over the kitchen table so he could practice his punching beforehand.

With the second round drawing to an end, Doobie looked all but defeated. But as Matt took a moment to raid Twilight’s fridge, Doobie decided to seize this opportunity. Coming in with the cheeky haymaker to the unsuspecting Matt, Doobie accidently slipped and fell ass over tits in the process.The half-chewed cheese was punched clean out of Matt’s mouth, leaving Spike covered in the gooey mess.

Matt wiped the leftover cheese from his mouth, took another bite out of the wheel, closed the fridge, turned around, swallowed the cheese, paused, opened the fridge again, took another bite from the wheel, closed the fridge again and then punched Doobie in the back of the head as he tried to get back up for the follow up attack. Matt finished chewing his meal and decided to kick Doobie a few more times, as well as lift him up with his magic and throw him around the room. He also used his magic to re-shape Spike into a baseball bat that he used to smack Doobie with a few times.

Doobie lay unconscious on the floor after Matt had decided to finish him off in a spectacular show of magical dominance that just turned out to be him drunkenly spewing more profanities at him before launching the fridge across the room. The flying fridge sailed through the air, plowing through all forms of medium (Including Spike) until it smashed into Doobie, pinning him underneath it in the corner of the room.

“I’ve beaten up pensioners that put up more of a fight than that! You call yourself a spess mahreen.” Matt spewed in an alcoholic stupor. He wasn’t even looking in Doobies direction, let alone acknowledging the fact that he had ko’d everybody in the room. 2 hours of talking to himself later, he noticed that Twilight started to come around.

“W-whoa... urgh... m-my head.” She stuttered, itching her forehead.

Matt turned and stared at her menacingly, waiting for her to notice him. She sat there, slowly waking up for a few seconds. She shook her head a few times, trying to shake away her drowsiness before looking up to see the post-apocalyptic destruction the 3 idiots had inflicted on her once tidy kitchen.

“Ahh!” She gasped, turning and facing Matt. “Ahh!” She gasped again, upon seeing his creepy stare.

“Sup.” Matt casually greeted Twilight, holding up a blue can. “‘ere luv, ‘ave one of these.” He offered.

Twilight took the can of mystery liquid and asked who he was and what happened to her kitchen. Matt went on to tell her a bullshit story about how he tried to protect her from a herd of pink elephants that were secretly monkey skeletons in disguise, she didn’t buy it.

“Well, if you’re not going to tell me the truth, can you at least grab me another beer?” She asked, throwing her empty can onto the floor.

“Sorry luv, all out I’m afraid.” Matt replied, by this point he had sobered up enough to realize he had been attempting to drink a banana for the last hour. He got up and looked around for his bag of weed. Finding it neatly set up on the coffee table, he took a seat and used his magic to roll a joint. Twilight decided to sit on the sofa with him rather than on the kitchen table on her own. She hobbled over, using various work surfaces to aid her on her journey.

“What’s this?” She questioned, removing Matt’s hat from his head and placing it on her own.

Matt instantly felt a surge of rage building up inside of his body, replacing the magic lost by his now lack of a placebo inducing hat. He turned to Twilight, shaking violently with blinding rage. “Who the fuck does she think she is? Does she think she can just disarm a wizard and get away with it? I’ll fucking show that bitch.” Matt shouted within his own mind.

“W-what’s that look for? Did I do something wrong?” Twilight asked, oblivious of her horrific crime.

She was in for it now, the stupid bitch. Matt stood up on all fours and gave her the most menacing stare he could muster. Looking like Shrek taking a nasty ogre shit, he attempted to levitate the sledge hammer he had left laying in the middle of the room.

“Fuck!” he muttered, realizing his magic no longer worked without his fabulous hat. “Guess I’ll have to do this the old fashioned way.”

Matt turned to face Twilight again, noticing a dark from standing behind her.

“Sssurprise m- mothercunter!” Doobie slurred, as he smashed a plant pot on Twilight’s head, thinking she was Matt.

Twilight fell to the ground, blood gushing from her ears and nose. Doobie went for the follow up attack, hoping that this time he wouldn’t slip over and fuck it up. The force of the impact from Doobie’s wacky limp-armed swings knocked the hat right off, revealing that she wasn’t Matt.

“Well done, fucklord. noa you’ve gone and dun it.” Matt shouted, acting as if he wasn’t about to do the same, he had regained his senses after putting his hat back on.

Doobie looked at Matt and then back to Twilight. He repeated this a few times and then concluded that Twilight was, in fact, Twilight and Matt was (yes, you guessed it) Matt.

“...oh.” Doobie said, swaying on his hooves and springing a royal nose bleed on the spot. Matt assumed he had scrambled Doobie’s brains with the somewhat excessive fridge attack.

While Matt was distracted by thoughts of how he could take advantage of Doobie’s mentally clusterfucked state, another much larger plant pot was smashed onto his head, knocking him out cold.

Doobie slowly dragged Matt upstairs and put him in an extremely awkward and spine destroying position in the bathtub. He laughed evilly then fell down the stairs and called for spike.

“Spack! I mean Spike! We need to take bee to the hostipel!” Doobie hollered.

Spike didn’t answer, still being unconscious due a fridge related incident. In his mindfucked state, Doobie couldn’t comprihend why Spike wasn’t moving. He resorted to doing what he usually does when something isn’t working. Throwing Spike a grand total of 1 meter into a solid wall, Spike suddenly woke up. After being curb-stomped a few times by Doobie making sure he was awake, he agreed to take Doobie to the hospital.

Spike and Doobie both stumbled out of the door with twin joints in their mouths and headed for the new recently built Ponyville general hospital.

They arrived at the hospital down the road in a speedy 45 minutes thanks to Doobie’s definitely not concussed and brain damages state.

“Nurse! I need some medical shit right away!” Doobie screamed as he crashed through the doors.

“He’s had a head injury or something, could you please look at him?” Spike said.

Just then the doors opened for the second time and a crooked backed hobbling Matt came in.

“Doobie, you cunt! Look what you did again!” He shouted as he tried to get over to Doobie so that he could smack him up. His magic was useless when he was in tremendous pain like this.

“fuckin... wot?” Doobie slurred as his nose started to bleed even more. It was like a snotty red fountain.

Matt got over to Doobie and started to smash his head onto the tiles while the nurse behind the counter looked in morbid curiosity at the two obviously insane ponies. She called some doctors over and they all watched and ate snacks.

Doobie somewhat calculated in his mashed potato of a brain that he was being hurt. This wouldn’t do. He ignited his horn and sprayed a few spells, one of which was an extremely powerful detonation spell.

The ground floor of the hospital was completely blown out and with a lack of walls the entire building started to collapse. The new building crumbled and fell over with a thunderous crash. Several ponies could be heard screaming and there was undoubtedly more than a few hundred deaths and/or injuries.

After the dust and debris had settled a large pile of rubble was blasted upwards and a weak force field was revealed, luckily cast by Doobie as one of the clusterfuck of spells he had used.

Matt looked around astonished at Doobie’s ability to ruin things with such ease. The forcefield went out and Doobie dropped to the floor, now bleeding out of his everything. A large part of a wall that had been blasted up now came down and landed directly on Matt. Matt went splat.

“Argh! Fuuuuck!” Matt screamed as the wall made him into a poor pissed off pony pancake.

“Shit Matt, are you okay?” Spike shouted, trying to lift the huge bit of wall off of Matt, but to no avail.

A few seconds passed, then Spike was blasted back and the wall was shattered into a thousand pieces. Matt stood up, his back now fixed by the colossal impact. He looked severely injured but the adrenaline rush and his anger at a certain grey pony was keeping him conscious for now.

“DOOBIE! I’LL KILL YOU!” Matt screamed as he ran over to the other pony who was currently trying to stand up and form a coherent thought. Matt picked him up with his magic and started wailing on him with the force of a thousand angry polar bears.

“Fuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Doobie yelled as Matt continued to slap his shit into next week.

Doobie had to think quick before Matt ended up murderkilling him. He used what was left of his scrambled brains and fired a quick detonation at Matt’s face. It hit him straight on and he flew backwards doing twenty flips and smashing into a big pile of rubble and crushed pony.

“Aaarrgh! My face! My beautiful face!” Matt slurred through the mess that used to be his treasured mug. He got up and started firing random spells in every direction, missing Doobie by miles each time. Doobie saw one of the spells fly into the Ponyville orphanage and ignite it instantly. That’ll teach those orphans to not have parents.

Spike took a break from watching this hilarious fight ensue and looked to the skies where he saw a rather fancy chariot pulled by two bat ponies. If he wasn’t mistaken it was Princess Luna’s chariot. This would be good.

The princess of the night dropped down from the chariot and landed with a bang onto the space between the two fighting ponies.

“Be still!” Luna cried, smashing her hoof and silencing the two babbling ponies. “We have been searching for you two for a very long time. You are the two ponies responsible for the deaths of the elements of harmony, and my beloved sister. You will pay for your crimes dearly, Doobie and Magic Matt.”

“Ay Matt, what’s she yakkin’ about?” Doobie hollered.

Matt shrugged.

“Look loik we’ve got a fite on our ‘ooves, mate!” Matt shouted, getting up onto his wobbly and slightly broken legs. Doobie did the same.

Matt ignited his horn and prepared a powerful ignition spell.

Doobie also prepared an extremely powerful detonation spell.

Luna’s horn flared as she invoked a dense forcefield around herself, readying up for the onslaught of the two obviously injured but still powerful unicorns. She would not underestimate these two ponies, as they had already bested her dear sister.

Spike had found some popcorn.

Battle at the boutique

“Uuuugh, it won’t fit.” Matt muttered, attempting to stuff a bunch of fresh spines into the obviously full bag.

“Huehuehuehuehue.” Doobie chuckled, stomping on a decapitated mare so hard that her spine shot right out of her asshole. He scooped up the blood and poo covered bone and threw it on the pile beside Matt. Spike was busy looking around for ponies that were not fully dead yet. Too much of a scrawny wimp to finish them off himself, he just pointed them out to Doobie, who would come over and collect their spines.

“Why do you need all these spines, guys?” Spike asked, pointing towards a half dead, shivering mare.

“Spack, my boy, we need these spines because once upon a time someone somewhere called our friend Doobie here spineless. We can’t have that, so we decided to gather up as many spines as we can. That’ll show him.” Matt replied, not seeing spike’s incredulous gaze.

“Fucking shit! Cunt, cunt ,cunt, cunt! Who the fuck are you speaking to?” Doobie screamed at the stallion he was currently stomping.

“What did he do, buddy?” Matt asked, walking over and enjoying the crunching sounds.

“He said my mother was a tree and that the hotel in my foot has no more room for all those scallops.” Doobie said.

Spike stared at the two ponies who were obviously still suffering from severe brain damage. It was a miracle they were both still functioning at all.

“I think you two both need to see a doctor. You’ve killed every doctor and pony in ponyville more or less so we’ll need to find someone else.” Spike suggested, walking over to Doobie and Matt as Doobie wiped the brain paste off of his hoof.

“What about that zebra cunt? Doctor zed or something.” Doobie said.

“...Zecora?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, her.”

“I guess we could try…”

Zecora the zebra was busy in her hut making some onion and rat tail stew she had learned to make from her green friend when the door burst open and Doobie ran in, tripped and skipped on his face into the open flames under the cauldron.

“Fuck! It burns!” Doobie screamed as he ran around the hut kicking, screaming and elbow smashing anything that got in his way.

Mat calmly walked in, grabbed Doobie by the ass and shoved him into the stew, extinguishing the flames and giving Doobie even more burns due to the stew being boiling hot. He thrashed around while Zecora watched and Doobie eventually went limp in her dinner, his limbs still loosely flailing.

“You two are obviously brain damaged, ruining my dinner when i am so famished.” Zecora said, picking up her staff and preparing to beat the living shit out of the both of them for spoiling her delicious meal.

“Zecora! Wait! They are brain damaged! I need you to fix them.” Spike yelled, hurrying in looking out of breath. Doobie and Matt had pissed off numerous manticores and timber wolves on the way to the hut and they had been running for nearly five whole minutes.

“How fucking rude, you’ve gone and pissed in her food.” Matt sniggered, making fun of the zebra’s speech pattern.

Doobie had finally splashed all of the stew out of the pot and was now just laying there, still trying to fight the already drained liquid. Matt topled the cauldron over and allowed doobie to spill onto the floor.

“Why should I help you? You’ve gone and ruined my stew.” Zecora asked, sidestepping the pool of liquid that was soaking into her new shag carpeting.

“We’ll go away if you fix us.” Matt said.

“...Alright, I accept your motion. Come and drink this healing potion.” Zecora said, handing Doobie a red drink in a glass bottle. Doobie grabbed it and munched it, glass and all. Luckily since it was a healing potion his insides were instantly fixed after being shredded by the glass.

Zecora shook her head and handed another to matt who drank it like a sane person, feeling invigorated and coherent again.

“Fuck, I can think! And There’s probably only minor permanent internet ricky gervais house. I mean damage.” Doobie said.

“Urgh”. Zecora moned, pausing and looking at the three home intruders. “After all this time, I can’t think of another rhyme. So get the fuck out.”

“‘Kay.” Matt shrugged, knocking over everything that wasn’t nailed down on his way to the exit. Doobie pushed Zecora onto a pile of broken glass and followed Matt out. When they got outside they both paused, wondering where it is that they were going.

“The fuck we going now?” Doobie asked, slamming the door and crushing Spike’s body.

“Wherever there are things that can be ruined is where we’re heading. Now get a fucking move on, we’ve got lives to extinguish and property to damage.” Matt replied, storming forward towards ponyville.

“Shit it’s cold as fuck, mah niggah. What say we head to that aryan bitch’s shop and steal us some clothes.” Doobie fucked, shivering his ass off.

“Aye laddie.” Matt ogred.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I told him to move and he didn’t, simple as that.” Matt replied, wiping blood off his face.

“You cut his face off and wore it as you murdered his family. You took it took far, Matt. A normal pony would have asked him to move or something. You just… Y- You… Fucking christ, Matt.” Spike argued as the three of them ran like a nigger runs from a crime scene.

“He was giving me a dirty look and his family were annoying.”

“His family wer- THEY WEREN'T EVEN THERE. YOU FOUND THEM AFTERWARDS.”

“Well It isn’t like I meant to do it, it was an accident.”

“You yelled ‘I will slay you know where you fucking stand’ at them as you murdered them.”

After 3 minutes of running they could see carousel boutique off in the distance. Tired of Spike’s constant yapping, Matt punted the fucker straight through the window of the store. The little fuck crashed into the building, doing 5 backflips as he smashed into his waifu Rarity. After she kicked his green and purple ass out of the way, Rarity asked why he was there and if the two maniacs he hung out with were there too.

“W- well not yet, but they’ll be here any second.” Spike stuttered, having lost whatever chance he had at getting with his horse waifu.

Upon hearing this, Rarity alerted her friends. Twilight rolled in on her wheelchair, looking panicked. She opened a chest full of maps. She mutters something about something not being ready yet and needing more time.

“Argh, they could be here any minute and we still don’t have the last element. Where is Applejack!?”

The double doors burst open and the two maniacal monstrous miasmas of monkey business rolled their way in, cursing loudly. Twilight gasped and rolled herself into another room. Spike approached his friends from another world and greeted them rather nervously.

“Sup guys, argh-” Spike mumbled, before being grabbed by Doobie.

“Cut the bullshit Spack, you reek of lies!” he yelled, dragging Spike across a table.

“Aarggh they’re through there!” Spike squealed like a fire breathing pig.

“Alright you cunts, you better be fucking ready.” Matt yelled as him and Doobie charged into the designated room.

They were greeted by not one, not two but five of the elements of harmony, all in position and ready to use their magical bullshit on them. Matt spotted what looked like Applejack’s element sitting on a table. Twilight’s horn shot out some purple magic shit which created some sort of spark, turning on the other elements.

“They’re trying to use their element things on us. US!” Matt yelled, taking offence.

“Dumb cunts think it’ll work without orange incest horse being here. Stupid shits.” Doobie chuckled, firing a bolt of magic at them in order to disarm them. As usual, this resulted in him hurting himself and not accomplishing what he set out to do.

“Fuckin’ hell. Ay Matt… M- Matt.”

Matt had mounted the table and was in the middle of eating applejack’s necklace thing. He could taste victory, literally.

“Matt you cunt, what are you fucking doing?” Doobie yelled

“What?”

“You fucking ate Applejack, remember?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Where do you think the fucking element is going?”

“Uhh.. My belly.”

“Exactly, where Applejack is, you daft cunt. Fucking hell you’ve ruined everything.”

Matt’s belly rumbled a little, then started to glow. This wasn’t good.

Matt’s stomach bulged and he heaved, vomiting out a large glob of cheese like slurry and the element of honesty’s necklace. The blob reformed and turned into a yellowed and slightly green Applejack. She quickly backed away from Matt and hid behind her friends, her necklace glowing.

Doobie looked at the six elements of harmony, all injured or crippled in some way and all emotionally scarred but all very much alive. They had failed to even murder one of them even after eating one. Twice. This would not stand.

Doobie’s face contorted into a look of pure world destroying rage, his horn sparking, crackling with anger fueled power. The six elements looked shocked at his ability to generate so much power using only his raw blinding rage and were not willing to find out what would happen when he decided to use it.

They lined up and aimed their necklaces at Matt and Doobie, Spike hiding in the corner not wanting to take a side between his new friends and his old. Beams of light burst forth from the elements and joined to form a rainbow beam, heading straight for the two.

Matt regained attention long enough to fire a death ray of his own and Doobie released a detonation spell unlike anything he had ever conjured, the air around it sizzling and the room heating up. The death ray and the detonation spell combined to form a beam of pure hatred and power, colliding with the rainbow beam of friendship. The two connected and fought against one another but the elements of harmony were clearly gaining ground fast. Doobie was sweating and screaming obscenities so vulgar even Matt was offended as his horn adopted three overglow layers and his eyes under his shades turned red and bloodshot from the exertion.

Matt poured all of his fantastic might into his death ray but it simply wasn’t enough to combat the power of the elements. All of this power had to go somewhere. Twilight saw that the connection between the two beams could snap at any moment and ignited her horn, putting a forcefield around her friends and Spike.

The beam snapped and disconnected, the elements of harmony blasting into Matt and Doobie. Matt looked down at his hooves as they turned grey and started to convert to stone. He had only milliseconds of thought before his and Doobie’s spells both backfired on them, Matt’s death ray killing them both instantly and Doobie’s super detonation spell completely decimating everything in a half mile radius.

As the smoke and ash cleared all that remained in the colossal crater were several outlines of where buildings once were and a small forcefield which deactivated as Twilight collapsed into her chair. Never before had she had to protect herself and her friends from a blast or spell at all that was that powerful, it was extremely lucky they took most of the force of it. They all made their way slowly out of the crater, heartbroken and scarred as they looked at the devastation two ponies could bring into their world but relieved that it was finally over and the two monstrous ponies were dead.

Doobie and Matt both opened their eyes. The last thing they remembered was a beam of light and then darkness, just after trying to kill the elements of harmony. All around them was nothing but fire and dark stone as well as a pony with a flaming mane and tail in front of them.

“Gentlemen. Welcome to Tartarus.”

Author's Note

Apologies in advance for any errors.
We don't have a proofreader because we don't fucking care enough.

Rich, tasty spines

Luna stood her ground, putting her concentration into keeping her forcefield consistent and strong. These two ponies would not get the best of her today.

Doobie and Matt both fired their respective spells at Luna and completely missed. Doobie’s detonation spell struck the floor behind Matt and Matt’s combustion spell smacked Doobie in his fucking mug, setting him ablaze. Doobie ran around screaming and then Matt crashed into him at breakface speeds, sending them both flying into town looking like a stoned screaming comet.

Luna stared for a moment and then took off in the direction of the two cunts, hoping they would not do any damage until she got there and dealt with them.

She arrived in the town being unknowingly followed by spike still holding his snack and saw that Doobie and Matt had landed in the town center, specifically the well. Ponies were gathering around and talking amongst themselves about whether or not this had something to do with the hospital collapsing. Luna touched down and Ponies gasped and bowed before her. She told them all to clear the area as these two ponies, if still alive, were extremely dangerous.

“Aaargh, fuuucking Finland that hurt! Where’s dat princess moonass? I got a fuck to pick with her.” Doobie slurred as he stumbled out of the well, dragging Matt along with him.

Matt and Doobie got up and popped a few joins back into their respective sockets then saw Princess Luna.

The Princess had had enough of these two morons and shot a bolt of dark magic at the both of them. They dived out of the way and Matt, thinking slowly, grabbed a few bystanders who were too close with his magic and started throwing them at the Princess.

“What are yo- oof! Stop this at once! I said STOP!” The Princess hollered as she was pummeled with her citizens by a brain damaged unicorn. “BE STILL!” She screamed as she slammed her hoof down.

The wave of innocent ponies being thrown at her stopped for a moment and they all stared at each other.

“FUCK THE POLICE!” Doobie screamed as he jumped into the air, placed a detonation spell under his hooves and did a flying atomic elbow smash onto the Princess’s spine. She screamed and went down, her low body was, most likely, now useless.

“You buffoons! I c-can’t move my hind legs!” She shouted, trying to stand up.

“Yeah well... Um...” Doobie said before kicking her in the face and rolling back to Matt.

Matt saw Spike and had a wonderful concussion fueled idea. He grabbed Spike with his magic and with a quick spell he turned Spike into a purple and green sledgehammer.

Luna looked at Matt with dread as he advanced on her while she was weak. She needed to act now or she would have her brains all over the pavement in the next 20 seconds. She concentrated as hard as she could before firing another dark bolt from her horn. It slammed into Matt’s face and for the second time that day. He flew screaming and doing 20 backflips into the wall behind him, which then collapsed and pancaked him. Vulgar curses and screaming could be heard from under the heavy wall as Matt was not too happy about the current situation.

“N- nigger ass.” Doobie mumbled, using his magic to lift the wall off of his friend. After accidentally dropping it on Matt a few more times with his moist magic, he cast the wall aside and helped his somewhat broken stoner friend.

Matt reached into his plot device for his trusty book entitled “Mare cunt stimulation” - a book he had picked up from Twilight’s personal book collection back in the library - skipping through the sticky pages until he reached the page depicting the use of magic to induce an “explosive super-maregasm”, he began to read. Doobie had no idea what Matt had in mind; though usually, not even Matt knew what Matt had in mind. He tossed the cum soaked book aside and focused his attention on the crippled princess that lay just meters away. He approached her, slowly, with a menacing grin.

“Uhh... Matt...Don’t tell me you’re planning on-” Spike the sledgehammer mumbled before being interrupted by Matt.
.
“Back it up you custard chucking monkey muncher. I don’t want any car insurance. Leave me alone god dammit!” Matt thundered back at him. His eyes were pointing in different directions and his back leg was twitching like crazy. By the looks of it, Matt needed to be sent away for repair.

He fired up his horn as he approached Luna; deflecting any last last attacks by the wounded princess. After stumbling a few times, he knelt down by the terrified princess and took a rather large bite out of her spine. She screamed in agony and pissed a little. Horrified by the thought of fresh mare piss being wasted, Matt quickly scooped up the puddle with his magic and poured it into a discarded bottle.

“You should know better than to waste perfectly good mare juice. Silly bitch.” Matt grunted.

Luna didn’t respond, she was too busy wriggling around on the floor; screaming in agony and shit. Disgusted by not receiving an instant apology - complete with a present and a cup of tea - Matt took this act as the ultimate insult. Grabbing Spike the sledgehammer, he smacked her about a few times, yelling to Doobie “Yo Doobie, its like your childhood all over again. Am I right?”. Doobie remained silent, a single tear slid down his face and his bottom lip began to quiver.

Matt tossed Spike aside and started to throw everything that wasn’t nailed down at her. This included but was not limited to; a melon, a wheel of cheese (Which he ate afterwards), a garden gnome, Doobie, a house, himself, a family of ducks, a gorilla, a jar of mayonnaise, Twilight’s wheelchair, Twilight, and a few books. All this left the princess looking like she had just gotten into a fight with father christmas

“Nice try Mate, but you missed a spot.” Doobie said, burying his hoof into Luna’s jaw.

“Thanks mate, I know I can count on you.” Matt replied, turning and giving him a pat on the back

Luna just lay there hyperventilating and uncontrollably everythinging out of her everywhere. Matt spat out a chunk of her spine and began to talk about the disappointing taste.

“Royal my ass.” He muttered, carving up a chunk of her flesh for later, unlike somebody, he didn’t want to waste fresh food. Opening a bag he stole from a passer by that he threw at luna earlier, he filled it up with horse meat and threw it at Spike to carry. Spike was still a sledgehammer so he just sat there and did nothing. Lazy cunt. Luna spent her final moments being forced fed a wheelchair while Doobie looted unconscious ponies for their sweet, sweet spines. She couldn’t finish her steel meal though, this left Matt rather disappointed. He thought she would at the very least get past the wheels.

Spotting the unconscious Twilight laying down behind a bush, Doobie placed her back onto the now saliva covered wheelchair and started wheeling her down the street. Matt wasn’t sure what Doobie was planning on doing so he picked up his stuff, turned Spike back into a dragon, and caught up with him.

*****

Matt, Spike and Doobie now stood on the Ponyville bridge. Doobie had looted a house for their occupant’s spines and their carpet. He was now explaining his brilliant plan to the others.

“Here’s what we do. We take the twilight, we roll her up in this carpet and throw her off the bridge!” Doobie spat.

“...You genius.” Matt said.

They rolled the unconscious Twilight up in the stolen carpet and put her on the edge of the bridge, ready to push.

“Maybe we should say something. Some victory speech. She’s the last of the six, after all.” Doobie said.

“Hmm...” Matt pondered for a moment. “Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam, Come on and slam, if you wanna jam!”

Doobie shed a tear remembering the wonderful anthem. They both pushed. Welcome to the Space Jam.

At this point a random onlooker gasped in horror. Taking immediate action, Doobie bolted at the stranger, tackling them to the ground and yelling “You better shat your fackin’ mouth, you jew-biting, queefcunt.” Matt walked over and removed the stranger’s hat.

“Shhh shhh shhh.” he whispered, patting the blue stallion on the head. Gently attempting to open the pony’s mouth, he began rubbing the headwear between the stranger's lips.

Matt whispered “bon appetit.” in a french accent.

The rubbing began to intensify until Matt could clearly be seen to ram the hat down the stallion’s throat.

“EAT IT, GO ON! SWALLOW IT, FAGGOT.” Matt shouted as he force fed the unfortunate soul their own hat.

The stranger had given up struggling, Matt was clearly unstoppable. Realizing that there was only one option, he tried to swallow his hat to avoid being choked by it. Tears streamed from his eyes as he gagged and drooled out of the side of his mouth. Matt pretty much forced it down his throat, so he didn’t have to put much effort in.

The stallion struggled to his hooves before legging it across the bridge and down the street. Doobie put his arm on Matt’s shoulder and reassured him.

“Don’t worry Matt, you did the right thing.” he whispered.

“Then why did he run, Doobie?” Matt replied, having once again failed to introduce himself to a stranger.

“That cunt just needs to fuck off back to Legoland. You did a great job.” Doobie reassured him.

The guys looked out over the bridge and saw the carpet holding Twilight floating along, it looked like she was trying to struggle out of her shag prison. There was a bright purple flash and she was gone.

“...Motherfucker. Did she just teleport away?” Doobie chundered.

“Yeh. She couldn’t have gone far.” Matt said.

Matt, Doobie and Spike all turned around to see a wet carpet in front of them and a purple horse with one leg struggling to get away from them. She was gasping for breath and trying desperately to escape the evil trio as fast as her leg could drag her.

“Oi love, looks like we’ve got ourselves an easy spine ripe for the taking.” Doobie said, taking out his backbone bag. He advanced on the terrified pony but was thwarted in his attempt to steal her rich, juicy spine by a shovel hitting him in the face and sending him screaming down into the water.

“Fuck, help! I can’t swim!” Doobie squealed before he sank like a particularly ugly rock.

“Ugh. Whoever hit my pal with that there shovel will have to wait.” Matt sighed and dived into the water after Doobie.

Spike looked over as the mystery assailant showed themselves.

“R- Rarity?” He said, looking at the white pony with the severely fucked up face.

“Damn bitch, you got fucking ugly.” He yelled.

“Yes, thanks to your HORRIBLE friends! At least we all survived that ghastly hospital collapse.” Rarity said, trotting over to Twilight to help her.

“You ALL survived? Matt and Doobie aren’t going to be happy about that…” Spike said, worried what they would do when they learned they hadn’t even killed a single one of the elements of harmony that day. They thought they’d beaten the high score.

“It’ll take more than THAT to put us down, dear. Surely you knew that. I hope you’re happy with your new life, Spike. Because you’re just as monstrous as those two vile ponies down there.” Rarity said, hauling Twilight onto her back.

Spike looked back onto the riverbank under the bridge where he saw Doobie and Matt currently seeing how many spines they could fit inside a poor old mare who was screaming and crying.

Pinkie Pie arrived at the bridge and helped Rarity with Twilight, carrying her off as far away from Spike and the other guys as possible. She didn’t even say a word and completely ignored the baby dragon.

There was an explosion and Matt and Spike flew onto the bridge, they must’ve found a way to detonate the old mare.

“Oi Spike, we ‘erd talking. Who the fuck was you yakkin’ to? Did you see who hit me in the face with a shovel?” Doobie asked.

“N- nobody. They must’ve ran off.” Spike said.

The three trotted off the bridge in the opposite direction of the elements of harmony, into the part of Ponyville that hadn’t been destroyed. They could see ponies fleeing from all directions and what looked like Canterlot guards swarming in. Matt, Doobie and Spike all got ready for yet another onslaught of pitifully weak assailants. When would these ponies ever learn?