Mr. Pedestal

by BlackWater

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1794

Discord's thoughts as he returns via stone imprisonment to that horrid villain...Mr. Pedestal.

Discord's thoughts when he is returned via stone imprisonment to the worst villain that Equestria has ever known.

He lives in a peaceful garden. His friends uphold the strong, the victorious, the orderly. He absorbs and radiates warmth as Celestia's afternoon sun shows him the brighter things in life. Never any trouble. Never any chaos. There is none more wicked than Mr. Pedestal.

NOTES
1. Clipped style represents internal thought and the fact the Discord's mind isn't all that orderly. xD
2. Not a fic to be taken seriously.

Published 2012-12-01 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-01 21:00:01 UTC

Mr. Pedestal

No. Way.

It's the only thing that's going through my mind as the stone encases me once again. I never took the Princess sisters seriously when they encased me the first time. After all, why should I worry about two ponies using "harmony" to stop me. It sounds like a bad joke. Actually, I did rather think of it as a joke when the two mares approached me all those years ago. Their faces were quite funny at the time. There was chocolate rain, cotton candy clouds, rocks playing xylophones, and ponies arguing over who got to drink from the soda fountain first - literally a city fountain that flowed soda rather than water. There were so many awesome and hilarious things going on at once that I can hardly even recall them all. It was truly a masterpiece beyond my most recent work...until the black and white ponies came to me. They had such sour expressions. Perhaps they meant to look angry or intimidating, but they looked like they had both eaten a basket of lemons. The memory started to make me laugh again.

Indeed I would be laughing right now if I wasn't laying stone-stiff with my face against the grass. Oh, for goodness sake! I'm frozen in stone again with possibly the worst expression. How long will I be stuck looking like this? Unlike my last pose, this one isn't amusing at all. I suppose I was lucky with my first reign of chaos. I was so certain and carefree in my prime that I never even noticed when the stone crept up my legs for the first time. I had been in the middle of singing my favorite song when the stone finally sealed over my lips. Is this what stone does to living things? Make them reminisce? Now that I'm in the stone enclosure once again, I seem to recall that I did a lot of thinking and reminiscing. The nostalgia of the whole thing is kind of sickening.

Is that a snail on the ground? The fact that it's moving downwards rather than sideways isn't really that great. It's because I'm laying down that the ground looks vertical. It'd be more interesting if the ground was vertical when I was still standing upright. Should have done that. The snail is slowly moving out of my field of vision. That's the thing about these magical stone prisons. You can see and hear and even feel but you can never move. If you think that having those senses is some sort of blessing then don't. Being able to experience the outside world without truly being able to interact with it is maddening. There's absolutely nothing interesting about it. It's actually very frustrating. It's the peacefulness that makes it particularly bad. The sun and moon go up and down in predictable and very long intervals. The birds chirp and nest in the garden as the squirrels make new friends...friends...friends?

Gaaaaah! Peace and stability are bad enough but then friendship! The worst thing in the entire universe has to be friendship. It's dull, boring, uninteresting, sappy, and cruel. Yes, it's cruel. If it wasn't so then I wouldn't be in this confounded stone torture chamber!

Where'd that snail go?

Hehehehe. That tickles. Wait! Who's grabbing my leg? I'm moving! Ow! Hey, you can at least pick me up with some magic if your going to move me! Excuse me if getting my rock-covered carcass dragged across the ground is demeaning.

Hold the banana. I know this direction...

Oh no!

No!

Not there!

The memories...they're all coming back like a flood. I don't want to go back to that peaceful, restful, predictable little garden. Not there. Not to him.

He's there and he's waiting like he always is. He's friends with all the garden animals. He even let Ms. Mouse take shelter under me during a storm. I thought I'd never have to see him again. I don't want to see him again. He tells me terribly nasty things. He tells me to...get along with everypony.

The fear is clenching my very heart and it's making me forget the sensation of being dragged haplessly across the grass. I can't see who's dragging me but I can see that I'm being dragged around two more turns...there's no mistaking the statues I'm passing by. I've gazed upon the same ones for so long from my spot on...no! I'm not going there. I'm being taken to somepony who can remove the stone. Surely there's some fellow chaos-lovers out there. Who doesn't want a chocolate milk cup filled with glass?

Suddenly, the world stops moving. What happened? Tired from pulling a stone draconequus? I understand. My perfection is a heavy burden, after all.

Is that...oh no! It's Mr. Squirrelpants. My life is over. The little furball is running over to me with that stupid grin on his face. If there is a seventh level to Tartarus then this is it and Mr. Squirrelpants is the lord over it.

Is he offering me an acorn as a welcome back present? Oh dear Celestia! Somepony just give me capital punishment already. Quick!

Whoa, I'm being picked up with magic this time. Ooooooh, I'm finally upright again and...moving backwards it seems. Where's that pony? It must be a unicorn that's moving me. Why didn't you use magic sooner? Getting dragged around on my face isn't very good for my dignity.

Stone against stone. I think I know that sound and I definitely know that feeling. No...!

The pony in question finally appears in my field of vision. It was hiding behind me this whole time and my field of view is the old familiar one I used to always have at the garden. The pony is tall and white. She has wings and a long horn. The very sun itself is plastered on her flank as her unique talent.

"Welcome back," she says. With a wink, she turns around and leaves.

Celestiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

That monster! How could she do this to me?! No draconequus deserves this. What did I do to you, Celestia? I gave you chocolate rain. Chocolate rain!

There's a faint warmth at my feet. It's the feeling of stone after it's been in sunlight for a while. I take a gulp and I'm afraid to look. I can see it if I look as far down as possible. It's there at the very bottom of my vision. It can only be...

Mr. Pedestal!

Gaaah! I looked! Oh no! I looked!!

He's laughing. I can hear him. It's not good laughter. It's not the laughter that comes from putting orange-bodied frogs on trampolines and then reversing gravity. It's the laughter that comes from warning someone and then enjoying the "I told you so." Mr. Pedestal is laughing at me because he knew I'd be back. This is the worst day of my life!

Looks like Mr. Squirrelpants left that acorn at my feet. Maybe Ms. Mouse will find some use of it...

What am I thinking? Have I already turned in my draconequus card?! No way! I'm busting out of here and giving all these creatures a healthy dose of chaos, baby!

Oh, Ms. Blue Jay. How are the children?

Yep, draconequus card turned in.

I must admit that I didn't like my new pose at first. Terror is not really my thing. Oh I know it's easy to get all confused because these ponies associate chaos with terror. Maybe that's a tad true but chaos should be fun right? I've always had fun with it anyways.

Hmmm...this pose is a tad dramatic don't you think? Oh, I know! I'll just pretend I'm in a play and the scriptwriter is that wonderful mare from Ponyville. What was her name again? Ditzy or something.

Oh Juliet!

Oh Romeo!

I came to tell you something!

What is it my dearest?

I'm not your dearest. I just pretended to like you so I could stir up chaos between our two families. Isn't it lovely?!

Ms. Blue Jay is giving me a weird look from where she's perched on my outstretched lion's paw. Oh please. You can't even hear me. Back to art.

Oh Romeo, surely thou art perfect. Never have I met one I despise more. Let us be wed and never see each other again!

Juliet. Juliet. I give to you my heart of stone. It's dark and cold.

Dark and cold? Oh, I so very much love dark chocolate ice cream bars.

Truly we were born to be apart! Oh Juliet!

Oh Romeo!

Something taps me on the foot and it break my focus. I can just barely make out Ms. Mouse below. She's probably asking about the acorn. Just take it and leave. Ugh. Politely asking for things is so overrated.

Come down from your balcony so that we may end this confusing tail.

You said 'tail.'

I'm not the scriptwriter.

There's a scriptwriter?

Yes but I don't actually read the script. It's far more interesting if you just ignore it and make up a bunch of stuff that makes no sense!

Oh Romeo!

No Juliet!

I shall fall from the balcony and the leaves will catch me.

Those are not leaves, my bane.

Confetti? No, it is changing...

Okay, I had a hard time deciding. The leaves are now diamonds.

Aaaaah! I've fallen upon them and it does not hurt. My complexion has cleared up!

Diamonds are a mare's best friend. Oh Juliet!

Oh...

...

...I'm bored.

I can see Mr. Squirrelpants in my peripheral vision. He seems to be talking to one of the other squirrels. After some tears they both hug. Seems they just made up after having a fight...yes, this is definitely the seventh level of Tartarus. What is the point of friendship anyways? It never lasts long and it prevents all sorts of fun - like strife and insanity. These animals and ponies are all backwards. They seem to think that those ideals are no fun.

Now now...

Who is that? That's not my voice!

It's me. Don't you remember? We've been friends for so long...

No! No...I don't have any of those (gag) friends.

Then perhaps you'd know me by my name. It's Mr. Pedest-

Don't finish it! I won't accept it. I don't want to be here for endless years to come. I don't want to stand frozen and watch the friendly little garden animals get along. Worse, I don't want to see those confounded ponies make harmony together!

Perhaps your recent insanity has made you forget the lesson I taught you. You must remember. It will bring you peace.

I don't want peace!! I want chaos! Chaos is fun.

But is it magic?

No...please don't.

Friendship is magic.