And so it was, that after rescuing the Crystal Empire by giving up and letting Spike do all the hard work, Twilight passed the test that Celestia gave her. They all broke into a good ol' song and dance routine, and the Friendship Express merrily sped off towards Ponyville, carrying them all home.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!
Do you like that story, kids?
I loved it!
It was great!
Tell us another one, daddy!
Another one? Why so? Don't you want to hear the end of this one?
What? It's not over?
Well of course not! We haven't even gotten to the nitty-gritty of it yet!
But the Crystal Empire was saved and everything! That was the typical American children's epic cartoon adventure ending!
Quite true, little one. But you haven't heard the end of this tale just yet. Those events I told you about were just leading up to the next, which are the real focus of the story!
How?
Because this is where everything gets maaaaaaaaagical!
Oooooooooh!
So sit your little behinds down, children, and listen to the grand old tale of...
~ Luna's Very Silly Book ~
~ by Wisher ~
Did we really need that generic header?
Yes we did. Shut up.
* * *
Now, this is the story of Luna. You may have noticed that our dear princess has been quite absent from our heroes' latest adventure. But maybe she had an excuse! Was she tending to her duties as princess of the night? No. Was she working in a dark corner on her Nightmare Moon ressurection? Not at all. Was she just being lazy? Not this time.
No, our dear princess Luna had simply been sent to her room by her older sister. The two of them had gotten in an argument after Celestia refused to give Luna a more preminent role in the rescue of the Crystal Kingdom. She argued that it would be a fantastic political publicity move for her independant political party and fan-club, the New Lunar Republic, but Celestia would not hear it. Frustrated, Luna yelled at her sister, calling her a tyrant. Celestia was very much shocked by her sister's words. She replied sternly that she was not a tyrant, and that unless Luna wanted another millennium on the moon, she was to go to her room at once. And so did Luna storm off angrily to her room. Remember kids, never call your older sibling a tyrant. That's very mean.
"Stupid Tia," grumbled Luna as she slammed the door to her massive room. She was quite cross with her sister; she really could be uncompromising sometimes. But there was nothing she could do against it. Feeling that she would need something to pass the time, she looked around for something to do. But there was nothing of the sort. Apart from her comfy bed, her room was as desolate as the moon itself. Well, at least there's my bed, she thought. And... well, it is quite plush... And I'm all alone here...
Feeling something rather naughty creep up at the back of her mind, and a sneaky blush creep on her cheeks, she advanced towards her bed. She was about to jump on its smooth surface giddily when she saw something resting upon it.
In the center of her bed lay a small black book. It seemed strange to Luna, who knew it wasn't hers. It didn't look like anything Celestia might own either. It was a old-looking book with a hardback leather cover. There was a design on it, but it was faded, only making the thing look even more mysterious and magical.
Intrigued, Luna sat herself down on the bed and took the book into her hooves - which she could do without any digits of any kind because she's a magical princess and all that good shit. Ominously, she opened it up and took a look at its pages.
They were all blank. Not a letter, not a dot, not even a clumsy splotch of ink. Confused, Luna started flicking through the pages, but there was nothing to be found. The musky yellow pages of the book were as bland and unappealing as a desert of rocks and endless plains of sand, or One Direction.
Suddenly, she stumbled across a page that struck out immediately to her. It had a single sentence written at the top of it.
Who are you?
Luna was quite surprised for a second. She stared at the strange words. Is this book... talking to me? she wondered. Then she shook herself out of it, reminding herself that books couldn't communicate and to assume anything else was just silly. She started flicking through the pages again, to see if there was anything more to this thing than moldy pages.
Please don't ignore me. Tell me your name, at least?
Luna was so shocked when she suddenly came across these new words, written at the top of another page, that she dropped the book with a small gasp. To speak in regal terms, she was freaking out. This thing was definitely trying to communicate with her.
She stared at it helplessly for a few seconds. Then, when she decided that there was no going around it, Luna levitated a quill and ink to her side. The quill slightly trembling in her nervous magical grasp, she put it down on the page and wrote.
Tell us who thou are first. How did thou enter my room?
She wrote this down because she had always taught that, creepy inanimate sentient object or not, you do not enter a lady's chamber. Shaking in anticipation, she had a sudden adrenaline rush when she saw that words were forming themselves on the paper beneath hers.
I must tell you that I do not meddle with strangers. I have crossed many years and realms of all kinds to be here, and I only share my wisdom with those worthy of it. So let me ask you again; what is your name?
Luna was again shocked when she read the book's answer. How rude! she thought. You certainly are quite insolent for a invader of my privacy, aren't you? Those were the words she would have liked to write down to the cheeky book. But she didn't. Instead she chickened out like a little b*yay!*tch and wrote down another answer.
I am Luna, princess of the night.
There was a long and painful silence in the room as Luna waited for the elusive book to reveal its identity. When it did, it wrote out a sentence much quicker than before, almost immediately. The book's answer was to Luna the strangest and most unexpected yet.
Oh, well why didn't you say so, silly? :D
She didn't even have to ask. Luna knew there was only one creature to be found in all the land that was capable of such wording when addressing a royal pony.
Pinkie Pie? How pray tell are you able to talk through a book like this?
Because this is precisely what this book is about: doing the impossible! And it's fun!
Luna was now feeling a great deal more relaxed. After fearing that she had fallen on an artifact of dark magic, containing a malicious spirit, it turned out it was only silly Pinkie Pie being her crazy self. She chuckled at the bizareness of it all. Then she wrote again on the page, because she had something to ask.
Doing the impossible you say? How do these blank pages help you do that?
Omglemmeshowyou!
The reply was so swift that Luna didn't even have time to read it, or to comprehend what happened next. Pinkie's two forelimbs shot out of the book and grabbed Luna around the neck, before pulling her hard towards the pages.The princess of the night didn't even have time to squeak as she was pulled right into the magical book, which gobbled her up and closed itself, leaving the empty room behind.
The next thing Luna knew, her face met quite ungracefully with the hard ground below. She didn't have time to dwell on that though, as shocked as she was by what had just happened. Sprawled out on the ground like a carpet, Luna looked up and about, aghast by the fact that she had somehow just ended up in the middle of Ponyville.
"Sweet constellations!" she cried out. "Where am I?"
She was answered by everyone's favorite pink party pony, who was bouncing rapidly around her in circles in a giggling fit.
"Well duh, you're in Ponyville!" she replied "Are you holed up in that boring old castle so much that you don't even recognize it?"
Luna could hardly believe what she was hearing. "Pinkie Pie? Th... You? Here? But you're meant to be with Twilight rescuing the Crystal Kingdom!"
Pinkie giggled yet again. "Yeah, and I am!" she said. "This is just a copy of me! Oh and we aren't really in Ponyville, too, this is just a virtual dimension out of the fancy-shmancy real world, that I can escape to through the book!"
Luna stared back at Pinkie, putting on her best poker face to hide the level of freaking out that she was experiencing. "Of course, that makes perfect sense," she replied in the most non genuine way possible.
"Oh but it does!" said the bubbly pony. "At least here it does! You're in the world of the impossible!"
"What?" replied Luna who was trying to back away. "Oh, yes," she continued, "you mentionned something of the sort, did you not--"
"YEAH!" exclaimed Pinkie, extending her neck impossibly far to the point where her eyes could almost litterally touch Luna's. "Here, you can do the impossible as much as you want! This is the world where the laws of physics aren't good for sh*buy some apples!*"
"... Okay," said Luna. "So... you can do whatever your mind can think of here?" she asked, not daring to think of what Pinkie's unique mind could conjure.
"Yep!"
"So... how does one do such things?" she asked.
"Well, there are many ways to have fun at the expense of the space-time continuum!" replied Pinkie. "One of my favorite is breaking the fourth wall!"
"The fourth what?"
"No, not the what, the wall!" replied Pinkie. She then turned her head to you. "That's right DeathRiseRobo, I'm talking to you!"
There was a most awkward silence between the two mares as Luna looked at Pinkie in disbelief, while the latter simply gave a creepy smile to a seemingly invisible person to her right. After a moment Luna decided that she was growing tired of this charade, which was most unworthy of her.
"Listen, Pinkie," she began, "I'm sorry but I fail to grasp the purpose of all of this. In fact I don't really understand why I'm here in the first place."
"Well that's because the book chose you!" replied Pinkie. "It appears randomly to those in need of pure random and silly fun!"
"In need of fun?" replied Luna quizzically. "I thank you Pinkie, but I'm a regal alicorn. I have no need for such shenanigans."
"Well apparently you do," said Pinkie. "Otherwise the book wouldn't have just landed on your bed."
"I'm sorry Pinkie, but I have no time to idly play around with you. There's nothing that could give me an excuse to do so."
"Well you can either play with me or go back to shamelessly clop--"
"That has nothing to do with anything!" stammered Luna with a strong blush. She was getting quite exasperated at the stubbornness of the pink pony, and was about to command her to send her back to the castle, but she then caught the pony giving her a kind smile.
"Everybody needs to just unwind and play about sometime," she said.
This touched Luna. She was struck by the utter kindness and the sincerity of the pony, who just wanted to help her and have fun with her.
"Very well, then," she said.
"Yipee!"
"How shall we play?"
"Well, you can do just about anything you want here. You don't even need magic!" replied Pinkie. "Here," she said, pointing to one of the houses in the village. "Try to turn that house into a gingerbread house!"
Luna stared at Pinkie once more. "Wat."
"Turn that house into a gingerbread house!" she repeated very quickly.
Luna was about to comment on the fact that such a thing was, of course, impossible, when she remembered where she was and who she was talking to, and that as a result such a comment would just fall on pink twitchy ears. So she looked at the house and concentrated, picturing it entirely made out of gingerbread.
Instantly, the walls changed hue and texture, turning a pale grainy color. The windows disappeared and the curtains turned to cake icing. Luna was stunned at what she'd just managed to do, and watched as an unfortunate pony tried to open the door only to make a large crack in it, which spread across the foundations of the gingerbread house and made the whole thing crumble down on top of him.
Pinkie fell about laughing while Luna simply stood there with her mouth agape. "Teeheeheeheeahahaha! That was so funny!"
Luna said nothing for a while, but then she started to feel quite giddy. "Yes..." she said, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips before becoming a full-blown grin. "Yes it was!"
And so it was that Luna gave in to her penchant for chaos. Together with Pinkie, they spent the whole afternoon mindlessly playing about with the laws of physics. Turning fountains into chocolate rivers here, jumping on bouncing trampoline-like pavements there... All around, there were many confused and disraught ponies, much silliness, and millions of bits' worth of public damages. All in all, there was much fun to be had throughout the day, which turned out to be one of Luna's best days in over a thousand years.
* * *
And there you have it, kids. Now wasn't that a grand old tale like your father told you?
... Moooooommy! Waaaaaaaah!
Ugh, to hell with you kids, you were never able to appreciate a good story anyway. This is why I never get featured.
THE END
