Twilight's Dad Gets a Vasectomy

by thewaffler

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Shining Armor, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 1466

The title explains "almost" everything.

See Night Light's reaction and thoughts when he is told he should get a vasectomy as well as the aftermath of the simple doctor's visit.

Star Swirl The Bearded's ghost says "This is the best story about pony vasectomies ever made."

*This takes place shortly after the birth of Twilight

Published 2012-12-12 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-12 19:00:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Night Light was a stallion who has what you can call a great life. He was an ex-royal royal guard, whom had found himself in a cushy desk job as a personal assistant, 'not a secretary' as he often said trying to defend his fleeting masculinity, while his wife Twilight Velvet ran a moderately successful fabric store. Just last week he had gone from having a family of three to a family of four as they welcomed a new foal into the mix.

It was roughly nine at night when the blue unicorn stallion trotted into the Drunken Moogle. Night for the bombshell request he had been given by his spouse, looked like he was absolute bliss. He practically pranced with joy as he made his way towards a group of stallions: Brick Breaker, Stone Wall and Swift Star, sitting in the back of the bar.

"Night you look happy, the missus let you try that thing with the chocolate sauce?"

"Nope."

"You get Canterlot Shields court-side season tickets?"

"Wrong." He said once again with a smug look plastered on his face.

"You find a Neigh-O Geo CDZ console?"

"That would be awesome, but still no."

"Okay, what has you in acting like a darn fool?"

Night raised his head proudly. "I'm getting a vasectomy."

The group of stallions whom had seen just about everything as members of the Royal Guard from riots to that time Celestia got hammered and started playing yo-yo with the sun, weren't prepared for the news that their long time friend and colleague had bestowed upon them and had they'd been drinking, the unicorn in front of them would have been drenched.

"WHAAAAAA..." The three of them said in unison.

"Yep, Velvet had the talk with me this afternoon. She acted like she was asking me to give her a kidney, which I would do, because I love her. It really is no big deal, but when she asked me I pretended to be miserable, just so I could manipulate her into getting what I want." His friends just stared at him dumbly. "Don't look at me that way."

Stone Wall was the first to break the silence. "Why in the wide world of Equestria is that a good thing?"

"Well, I've always wanted to turn our basement into a Dragon's den with pinball machines, a home theater and pok---" He was cut off by Stone.

"No, not that, why are you so happy to remove the venom from the cobra?"

"Well, I could tell you or I could..." the bar's Piano colt was starting to play a soft melody.

"NO, CUT THAT OUT, CUT THAT OUT! There will be no songs about Vasectomies while I am here."

Night looked dejected because he had planned a really elaborate song, complete costumes and sets. "The best way of putting it is we have both a filly and a colt, so mission friggin' accomplished!"

"Won't you feel like any less of a stallion?"

"Let's see. Hmmm..." He gave a false scholarly look. "...no more condoms, no more embarrassing looks when I go to the pharmacy to buy them, no more having to pray to Celestia that my seed hasn't been sown, no more messes on the sheets, sex any time of the year. Oh, woe is me!" Night laid on the sarcasm really thick before he burst into a fit of laughter.

Swift Star sat back and wondered, ‘how in the name of Celestia did this over grown man-child become my commanding officer?’

"Yeah, but what really made this a good decision was remembering what happened when Velvet went into labor." The blue stallion shuttered at the memory.

(2 Weeks ago)

"HAARGH. YOU MONSTER...YOU DID THIS TO ME AGAIN, GAH.....I-I SWEAR BY EVERYTHING HOLY THAT WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GONNA CUT YOUR BALLS OFF WITH A PAIR OF RUSTY FABRIC SHEARS!!!"

Velvet began choking Night while continuing to scream how he was the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards just like him and that she should have been a fillyfooler.

After seven of the most intense hours of his life and he had gotten out of the ER, his wife had given birth to a beautiful filly, whom they named after her mother.

(End Flashback)

The three friends shuttered at the memory as they had all been there to congratulate their brother in arms. Brick Breaker was more shook up as he had volunteered to videotape the event. It was like something out of The Exorcist.

"Yeah, she wanted to have them all natural except with Twilight, they had to do a C section and without any anesthesia and you saw how that went."

Switching from emotional distress back to his happy mood from earlier, the blue stallion got on the bar counter. "I'm buying a whole round for the whole damn place."

The Next Day

The sun was bright, the grass was green, birds were chirping merrily and Night Light was trotting like a school colt who had just discovered chocolate.

Within a matter of minutes he was at his doctor's office.

A nurse called into the waiting room. "Mr. Night Light, Doctor Buzzkill will see you now."

Two Hours Later

Night limped through the doorway of his home. As he walked in, he was greeted by Shining Armor.

"Daddy, how come you're walking funny?" The little white colt asked with concern in his voice.

"Shiny, daddy went to the doctor."

"Did they give you a shot?"

Night could help but chuckle at his innocence. "Yeah, something like that."

"Oh, okay." The five year old went deep into thought for a few seconds. "Hey, wanna see what I drew?"

"Sure."

As the blue unicorn sat down he winced in immense pain and looked down at the crudely drawn crayon work of art. It looked like a taco eating a midget, but Shining had explained that it was a boat with him fishing on it. 'I don't see it.'

The little art show was interrupted, when a familiar voice called out into to the room. "Oh, good your home. How did the procedure go?" His wife asked as she came through the kitchen holding their new born foal.

Every fiber of his being was yelling at him to say that it feels like there is a pack of rabid lobsters at feeding time. However, instead of that he just sucked it up and forged ahead. "There's only some mild discomfort."

She trotted over to him with a sultry grin on her face and kissed him. "Thank you so much, my big strong gallant "knight." How long before..." She saw that Shining was still in the room. "...how long before the...cucumber can be pickled?"

"Sadly, not for about a month."

At this time their son chose to pipe up. "Nuh-uh, I asked Pickle Patch's mom yesterday and she said it takes about two weeks."

Velvet avoiding the subject like all great parents, went for the easy way out. "Who wants ice cream?!"

"Me, me, I want ice cream with gummy worms, crushed cookies, caramel, fudge, marshmallows..." Five minutes later. "...peanuts and chocolate sprinkles."

"Okay, why don't you come with mommy to Mr. Freezy's, while daddy watches Twilight?" She said to her son as the colt began hop up and down on a preeminent sugar rush.

"How about you Night, dear, what flavor do you want?"

During Shining's list of ice cream add-ons, the blue stallion's pain only got worse and at this point no rec. room, no matter how amazing was worth this testicular torture. "It doesn't matter, it's for my crotch. "

Skip Forward, One Long Month Later

A very frustrated Velvet lay on her bed reading a magazine. Then suddenly house began to shake and the ground rumbled.

The bedroom door burst off its hinges, splinters flew everywhere as an eerie fog bellowed into the room. As the smoke cleared a familiar stallion appeared.

Night Light had come back from his return check up and pure carnal lust was in his eyes.

"N-night?"

"The foals are at my sister's house." He said bluntly as he looked at his mare.

That evening, the sounds of grunting and flesh slapping and the unbridled screams of ecstasy could be heard as far as Ponyville. It felt like the planet was tearing itself apart. Even Celestia was scared as her royal guards had escorted her into a security bunker. After about ten hours it stopped and then twenty minutes later it continued for another forty hours.

That’s also why all houses had to be sound proof and Earthquake resistant. These requirements became known as the Velvet Night building ordinance codes.

*Also I apologize for nothing, the idea came to me while I was half asleep.