How A Canterlot Wedding Should Have Gone

Setting: Canterlot

Philomena was just sitting on her perch in Celestia's bedchamber. Bored out of her mind, as usual. 'You know what I haven't done in a while?'' She thought to herself, 'I haven't visited Ponyville in months! I bet they've forgotten about me by now!'

Philomena began to glow a brilliant white, activating her magical mystic phoenix powers. After 3.8 seconds PRECISELY, a bright orange pegasus pony with a fire cutie mark stood where Philomena was before. "Ah, feels good to stretch my hooves again!" Philomena spoke to nopony in particular. "It's been far too long since I took this form. Now, to Ponyville!" She pushed the window open and took to the skies.

~~~~~~~Somewhere over Ponyville~~~~~~~

Philomena was taking her sweet time getting to Ponyville, after all, it was a beautiful day out. She was scanning the landscape, noting minor differences since the last time she had taken this route. 'What...What is that manly hunk of rock down there in that clearing?' she wondered. The phoenix-turned-pegasus pony was so intrigued, she turned and flew down to investigate. Upon landing, she saw Tom. Beautiful, Majestic, multi-faceted... Everything she looked for in a rock. Really, why nopony had snapped up this fine specimen yet was beyond her.

"Hey there, you pretty little thang, how's it goin'?" Tom asked the startled Philomena.

"Oh my sweet rickety bridges! You can speak too?" Philomena started, then realized that she hadn't answered the rock's question yet, and she was being terribly rude. "I'm fine, and how about yourself?"

"Well, I'm doing just fine and dandy myself. Want to go somewhere and do something now?" Tom's voice sounded like a steamroller moving over fine gravel. Imagine the manliest voice you can think of. Now imagine a voice ten times that manly. Tom's voice wasn't as manly as that. But it was very manly.

"Why, I don't even know your name yet! I'm Philomena...But you can call me anything you want. After all, I have the brain of a bird, and wouldn't know the difference."

"My name is Tom. Just Tom. Don't call me anything else, or I'll smack you. Don't tempt me."

"Oh, Tom! That's so romantic! Let's get married and never look back!"

"Sure."

Shining Gator was going for his morning jog to and from Ponyville when he overheard this, and ran towards the new happy couple. "Oh, we should make it a double wedding! You two, and me and Cadance! It will be perfect!"

Unfortunately for the rock and bird-pony, Rarity was also nearby after passing out after 44 Manehattans, and had just woken up. The fact that Tom was getting married really steamed her broccoli, as she secretly still had feelings for Tom... The foremost thought in her head was, I must make Tom jealous! He will come back to me then! I must! I must! I MUST!' She ran off to find the perfect stallion to make Tom jealous with, unknown to the group in the forest clearing

.

~~~~~~~~~~In the treebrary~~~~~~~~~~

"...and that's why vinegar will stop your windows from icing up overnight. Now that's taken care of, can you create a male clone of myself to make a giant boulder jealous that we aren't together any more?" Rarity asked Twilight.

"I don't see why not. Close your eyes, click your hind hooves together four times and say 'there's no me like home.'"

"Wait, 'there's no me like home?' What's that suppo-"

"Just do it. I swear this isn't some kind of Nasty Plot (+2 sp.atk stages), you can trust me." Rarity sighed, and did as she was asked.

"There's no me like home...There's no me like home...There's no me like home..."

"Waaaaaahahahaha! That's SO going on YouTube! Okay, I'll cast that clone spell now." Twilight blasted Rarity, and suddenly there were two Rarities there, and one was not a mare, but a Stallion!

"...Thank you for that, darling..." the female Rarity said, hatred dripping from every word. "Anyway, come, my dear sweet darling me! We must go and make out in front of a rock! It'll be amazing!"

"Yeah, sure, babe. Let's go do that."

~~~~~~~~~~Back in the clearing~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh, To~ooom!" Rarity called into the clearing, "You should see this!" Tom didn't turn because he was a rock, and rocks got too much swag to turn when Rarity yells at them. "Well, then we'll just do this here." Rarity turned to her male self and pulled him in for a deep romantic kiss. Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

"That.. was... amazing...." The male Rarity panted. Rarity's plan was to make Tom jealous and come running back to her, but it wasn't working. However, another pony did spy upon them. Gummy was in the bushes watching this, and he thought, 'Why didn't I just go for Rarity in the first place? She's beautiful, and only a little whiny and annoying. I think she falls on the right side of the hot/crazy scale. Plus, I need a backup plan in case this thing with Cadance doesn't work out. Or if Cadance is into that kinda thing. All right, I need to find a way to stop this...." Gummy began plotting as he sneaked back to Canterlot Castle....