How A Canterlot Wedding Should Have Gone

by Calsan

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, DJ P0N-3, Alternate Universe, Romance, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Octavia, Philomena, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Gummy
Length: 3206

If I wrote the two part season 2 finale, this is what it would have been.

Oh lord, what was I ON when I was writing this?

I wrote this in March of 2012, before the release of A Canterlot Wedding. Before we knew ANYTHING about what would happen with it.

Originally written in a chatbox on a forum. Translated to >greentext after written, posted as "If I Wrote the Two-Part Season Finale..." on the Colorado Bronies forum. Translated from >greentext to an actual story JUST FOR YOU!

Rated T for some language.

Published 2012-11-29 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-16 08:38:08 UTC

Episode 1, Part 1

Luna awoke with a start. It had been three weeks since she had disguised herself as a pink alicorn with a crystal heart as a cutie mark, and she was beginning to get nervous that her "beloved" Shining Armor would discover her dark secret. She had thought this through, though. Her only method of getting closer to Twilight Sparkle that was socially acceptable was to marry her brother, and not as the Princess of the Night. It was all because she admired Twilight Sparkle for freeing her from the darkness within her that was The Nightmare.

The wedding was in a week, now, and NOPONY would be able to stop it! They had picked out the invitations, table settings, and flowers, and had chosen the most DELIGHTFUL spaghetti for the reception. Celestia had arranged to send out the invitation to Twilight as well as the announcement about the engagement two days before the wedding. She would be so surprised!

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Spike, however, was on to Luna's Nasty Plot (+2 sp.atk stages) and yelled to Twilight. "TWILIGHT! I NEED YOUR HELP!" Twilight heard him from upstairs in the library and ran down as quickly as she could. She tripped on the last stair, fell over, and had to start from the top. She made it on her next attempt, though, as she is the world QWOP champion.

"What is it now, Spike? You know I have books to read, and after that, I need to read more books! I don't have time for this!" Twilight yelled angrily at Spike. He looked up, annoyed at her 'tude.

"I've discovered a Nasty Plot (+2 sp.atk stages) and I need to be sent to Canterlot to warn Princess Celestia! Now c'mere and cast that sweet, sweet horn juice all over to send me there!" Twilight reluctantly agreed, and fired up her horn. It began glowing with a bright purple aura, the grooves in her horn shining more brightly as the magic flowed through the leylines and into the air between her and Spike. He began to feel strange and tingly all over, before blinking out of existence. Twilight shrugged and went back upstairs to read books, then read more books.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike awoke with a start. He looked around. This did NOT look like Canterlot, although there was another magnificent white city in the distance. Trees littered the landscape, and he thought he spotted a few deer in the distance. Looking to his left, he spotted a path, with what appeared to be a chestnut brown pony with a dark brown mane walking down. However, there was an odd creature upon it, riding it as a form of transportation.

The creature appeared to be me made of metal, with joints that could bend and straighten with ease. As the pony(?) and the odd creature got closer, however, Spike could see light tan skin beneath some of the metal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in Equestria, Lyra began crying and had no idea why.

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“Halt! What kind of creature be you?” exclaimed the guardsman.

“Uh, my name's Spike, and I'm a dragon.”

“A DRAGON? Ha! Don't make me laugh. Dragons are things of myth and legend that are forty feet tall that breathe fearsome flames! On top of this, they can't speak! Wait... By the nine! A TALKING LIZARD!”

Spike took offense to this, and walked up to the guardsman, climbed on top of his horse, with a mumbled “I'm sorry” to the equine, and opened the guard's visor and quickly blew fire into it. The man cried in pain and fell off the horse, who began running north as Spike held on for dear life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at the treebrary, a knock came at the door. Applejack walked in the door, and yelled “Twahlaht! Ah need yer help with Spahke to help me roast apples! Where is the lil' feller?”

“He's in Canterlot, and I'd appreciate if you didn't come into my library with your useless hick self and yell at me.”

“Useless, am Ah? Weeeell, How's about Ah help y'all shelf some o' those books thar?

“Ha! You? Help me shelve books? If you can do THAT, I guess you aren't as uneducated as I thought!” So the two ponies began shelving books together, Twilight's innate racism against earth ponies slowly giving way to appreciation for Applejack.

“Uhm, Twahlaht, whah do y'all look big as mah bruthur? And whah do y'all have red stickin' out at various plahces in yer coat?”

“Well, it's certainly not because I'm your brother, Big Macintosh, in a shoddy disguise! No way, no how!” And Applejack seemed to buy this, although it was an obvious lie, and Twilight Sparkle actually was Big Macintosh in a shoddy disguise. So the two earth ponies, one disguised as a unicorn, were shelving books together. Applejack was doing it wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shining Armor was in Canterlot, getting ready for his big wedding with his (and Twilight's) parents. Nopony would ever suspect that Shining Armor, the Captain of the Royal Guard and sibling to Twilight Sparkle, was secretly a toothless alligator under a spell! Twilight had been feeling sorry for herself, seeing that she was an only child, so she had decided to make a big brother for herself out of Pinkie Pie's pet. She had altered the memories of her parents and Celestia to make them all believe that she had always had a brother, and to get him into a high status position in the Royal Guard.

Luna, of course, had no idea about this when she had gotten engaged to him.

“So, you say the red suit looks better on me than the traditional black? Hm, I dare say that you are right there!” Gummy Armor said. Suddenly, in through the window, Tank flew in on his magic-propelled flying device.

“Yo, man, that shit ain't cool.” Tank said to Gummy. Gummy turned and blasted Tank with a burst of magic from his long, white, pointy horn and sent him flying all the way back to Ponyville. Tank was shocked at his fellow pet. How could he have betrayed him so? He resolved to let him know just how he fel-

THUNK

Tank's thoughts were interrupted as he flew smack-dab into his owner, Rainbow Dash, as she was going for her daily flight around Ponyville. She spiraled out of control towards the ground, hitting it with a resounding "CRACK!"

"NOT MY WING! NOT AGAIN! I NEED THAT TO FLY WITH!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. Pinkie Pie was walking nearby, sucking on a 1-inch diameter, strawberry-watermelon flavored lollipop, and heard Rainbow Dash screaming.

"Ohmigosh! Dashie, your wing is bent in a way your wing should not be bent! We gotta get you to the hospital right right right now!" Pinkie Pie worriedly spoke to Rainbow Dash.

"Not the hospital! The wedding we aren't supposed to know about is happening in less than a week and they'll keep me in there for another week like that time I had to read books and then dressed like a cat burglar and tried to steal the book to finish reading it and--" Pinkie shoved a hoof in her mouth and wouldn't hear any more of it. She knocked her on the head and dragged her forcefully to the hospital, which, frankly, wasn't doing Rainbow Dash any favors.

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When Rainbow came to, Pinkie Pie was sitting at the foot of her bed, with a board game box in front of her. "I'm so sorry for knocking you out, Dashie, but you needed professional help for that wing of yours. I brought battleship to cheer you up!"

"But Pinkie, Battleship is so boring....." Rainbow Dash replied.

"Hmm.... How about... STRIP BATTLESHIP!"

"Yeah, that might work! Wait... You're not wearing clothes! How are we supposed to play STRIP battleship when you have nothing to STRIP off?"

"Well, obviously we'd just put on more clothes instead, silly!"

"That might work..."

Forty-four and a half minutes later, Pinkie Pie was just about to lose for the thirty-seventh time. She wasn't thinking so clearly, therefore she had chosen to put on another jacket each time she lost. "Come on, Dashie, don't make me Lose The Game again! I've already lost thirty-six times!"

"Sorry, Pinks, E-7! Looks like you just Lost The Game yet again!"

"That's it, I'm outta here. Good luck getting better, asshole." Pinkie said as she walked out, slipping on a thirty-seventh jacket on the way out.

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Episode 1, Part 2

Setting: Canterlot

Philomena was just sitting on her perch in Celestia's bedchamber. Bored out of her mind, as usual. 'You know what I haven't done in a while?'' She thought to herself, 'I haven't visited Ponyville in months! I bet they've forgotten about me by now!'

Philomena began to glow a brilliant white, activating her magical mystic phoenix powers. After 3.8 seconds PRECISELY, a bright orange pegasus pony with a fire cutie mark stood where Philomena was before. "Ah, feels good to stretch my hooves again!" Philomena spoke to nopony in particular. "It's been far too long since I took this form. Now, to Ponyville!" She pushed the window open and took to the skies.

~~~~~~~Somewhere over Ponyville~~~~~~~

Philomena was taking her sweet time getting to Ponyville, after all, it was a beautiful day out. She was scanning the landscape, noting minor differences since the last time she had taken this route. 'What...What is that manly hunk of rock down there in that clearing?' she wondered. The phoenix-turned-pegasus pony was so intrigued, she turned and flew down to investigate. Upon landing, she saw Tom. Beautiful, Majestic, multi-faceted... Everything she looked for in a rock. Really, why nopony had snapped up this fine specimen yet was beyond her.

"Hey there, you pretty little thang, how's it goin'?" Tom asked the startled Philomena.

"Oh my sweet rickety bridges! You can speak too?" Philomena started, then realized that she hadn't answered the rock's question yet, and she was being terribly rude. "I'm fine, and how about yourself?"

"Well, I'm doing just fine and dandy myself. Want to go somewhere and do something now?" Tom's voice sounded like a steamroller moving over fine gravel. Imagine the manliest voice you can think of. Now imagine a voice ten times that manly. Tom's voice wasn't as manly as that. But it was very manly.

"Why, I don't even know your name yet! I'm Philomena...But you can call me anything you want. After all, I have the brain of a bird, and wouldn't know the difference."

"My name is Tom. Just Tom. Don't call me anything else, or I'll smack you. Don't tempt me."

"Oh, Tom! That's so romantic! Let's get married and never look back!"

"Sure."

Shining Gator was going for his morning jog to and from Ponyville when he overheard this, and ran towards the new happy couple. "Oh, we should make it a double wedding! You two, and me and Cadance! It will be perfect!"

Unfortunately for the rock and bird-pony, Rarity was also nearby after passing out after 44 Manehattans, and had just woken up. The fact that Tom was getting married really steamed her broccoli, as she secretly still had feelings for Tom... The foremost thought in her head was, I must make Tom jealous! He will come back to me then! I must! I must! I MUST!' She ran off to find the perfect stallion to make Tom jealous with, unknown to the group in the forest clearing

.

~~~~~~~~~~In the treebrary~~~~~~~~~~

"...and that's why vinegar will stop your windows from icing up overnight. Now that's taken care of, can you create a male clone of myself to make a giant boulder jealous that we aren't together any more?" Rarity asked Twilight.

"I don't see why not. Close your eyes, click your hind hooves together four times and say 'there's no me like home.'"

"Wait, 'there's no me like home?' What's that suppo-"

"Just do it. I swear this isn't some kind of Nasty Plot (+2 sp.atk stages), you can trust me." Rarity sighed, and did as she was asked.

"There's no me like home...There's no me like home...There's no me like home..."

"Waaaaaahahahaha! That's SO going on YouTube! Okay, I'll cast that clone spell now." Twilight blasted Rarity, and suddenly there were two Rarities there, and one was not a mare, but a Stallion!

"...Thank you for that, darling..." the female Rarity said, hatred dripping from every word. "Anyway, come, my dear sweet darling me! We must go and make out in front of a rock! It'll be amazing!"

"Yeah, sure, babe. Let's go do that."

~~~~~~~~~~Back in the clearing~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh, To~ooom!" Rarity called into the clearing, "You should see this!" Tom didn't turn because he was a rock, and rocks got too much swag to turn when Rarity yells at them. "Well, then we'll just do this here." Rarity turned to her male self and pulled him in for a deep romantic kiss. Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

"That.. was... amazing...." The male Rarity panted. Rarity's plan was to make Tom jealous and come running back to her, but it wasn't working. However, another pony did spy upon them. Gummy was in the bushes watching this, and he thought, 'Why didn't I just go for Rarity in the first place? She's beautiful, and only a little whiny and annoying. I think she falls on the right side of the hot/crazy scale. Plus, I need a backup plan in case this thing with Cadance doesn't work out. Or if Cadance is into that kinda thing. All right, I need to find a way to stop this...." Gummy began plotting as he sneaked back to Canterlot Castle....

Episode 1, Part 3

"All right... The sniper rifle is in place... duct tape, rulers, hammers, books... Everything appears to be in order..." Gummy was looking over his Rube Goldberg device in the highest room of the tallest tower in Canterlot Castle.. If successful, this would fire off a sniper shot, hit the male Rarity, and leave the female Rarity available for Gummy to conquer. "Oh, can't forget the cucumber..." Everything had to be just right, or it wouldn't work.

Gummy dropped the marble down the first chute, setting the chain reaction in motion. If somepony had their ear to the door, they would have heard a cacophony of noise from the inside. Of course, nopony was on to Gummy's Nasty Plot (+2 sp.atk stages) so nopony would have been listening.

Each of the stages went off without a hitch, and the sniper rifle fired at the end. However, he had it aimed wrong, and it fired its bullet out of Gummy's window and hit a very excited Scootaloo who had just learned to fly. Gummy had anticipated something going wrong, however, so he had loaded the sniper with rubber bullets. Thus, Scootaloo, rather than being brutally murdered, just fell to the ground. The distance from the fall would have crippled any normal pony, but Scootaloo just so happened to fall upon Pinkie Pie, wearing her 37 jackets.

"Oof! Wow, am I glad you were here, Pinkie Pie!" Scootaloo said, then reached behind her neck, looking rather embarrassed. Her embarrassment wasn't the reason for reaching behind her neck though. She was grabbing a zipper, revealing that she wasn't Scootaloo at all, but Diamond Tiara in disguise! Pinkie Pie freaked out at this and ate Diamond Tiara in one gulp. The real Scootaloo then fell onto Pinkie Pie, knocking her down, and causing her to bounce along the ground into the Ponyville KFC.

"Scootaloo? What are you doing here?" Sweetie Belle asked. She had a job at the KFC, and she had since gotten her cutie mark in chicken frying. "We gotta hide you before they find you!" Sweetie Belle then shoved Scootaloo into a cupboard and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. In the cupboard, Scootaloo was then shocked to find a tied-up Applebloom huddled in the corner, looking very scared. Scootaloo reached over and removed the gag and untied her.

"Scootaloo! Thank goodness you came! They tied me up and hid me in here! They made me dress in this Applebloom suit!" Applebloom said.

"Suit?" Scootaloo replied. Applebloom then ripped open her own chest cavity, where a very messy Sweetie Belle then crawled out of.. "Sweetie Belle! Then... Who is that outside frying chicken? And where's your cutie mark?"

"That other one out there is another me. I don't know how it happened. I haven't gotten my cutie mark at all yet, but she's REALLY good at frying chicken."

"That makes a lot more sense. But there's a hole in reality, if there are two 'you's! We need to find a way to fix it, maybe if we got rid of the other you?"

"Yeah!" Sweetie Belle then threw open the cupboard, which hit Sweetie Belle's stool she was standing on to reach the fryer. Sweetie Belle's head then fell forwards and hit the fryer, knocking her out. Sweetie Belle then took Sweetie Belle, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo dragged Sweetie Belle into the forest. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle dragged Sweetie Belle all the way to Zecora's,

"Hey Zecora! We brought you a body for you to experiment on, desu!" Skawaiialoo yelled out. Zecora walked out her door and saw two Sweetie Belles, one of them unconscious, and the most kawaii-chan orange pegasus filly you ever did see.

"Who the fuck are y'alls? Comin up to me like this sure takes some balls! Gimme dat body so I can work, unless you wanna look like a jerk!" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, tossed Sweetie at Zecora, and disappeared back towards Ponyville.

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Meanwhile, in Trottingham, the real Applebloom was going to college. She had left her family to go to school, the first of the Apples to EVER do so. For leaving her family, they had all stopped talking to her. Octavia was there, for some reason, though, and had made friends with her through their shared love of music. Applebloom had earned her cutie mark for singing at this point, after all. It was a microphone, only the top of it was shaped like an apple.

Vinyl Scratch was Octavia's roommate, so she was friends with Applebloom too, naturally. Applebloom looked to Octavia and asked, "What am Ah supposed to do? Ah don't want to leave my family forever, but they won't talk to me because Ah left 'em to come learn things here!"

Octavia then spoke in a thick Scottish accent: "Well, surely ye should just return after ye get yer doctorate in apple here."

Vinyl then spoke up "Yeah, Octavia's right. Just go back afterwards and make your farm better than ever before! Here, look at me." She removed her trademark shades, and Applebloom stared into her deep yellow eyes. "Your family will always be your family. It doesn't matter what happens, or how many times you fight. They'll accept you back when all is said and done." Applebloom then fell asleep in the arms of the two other musician ponies.