The Theory of Tank, or Tankopalous

by Chaotic Note

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Tank, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2597

300 Follower Special. Tank the tortoise is now has a pair of wings and a unicorn's horn. Complete random stuff. Don't expect any seriousness.

After a slight miscalculations with the with blast, the Elements of Harmony accidently turned Rainbow Dash's loyal turtle a rock waffle tortoise into an Alicorn. Or what is considered an Alicorn these days. He's still the same ole tortoise, except with wings and a horn.

Author's Notes
- 300 Follower Special
- Also a tribute to Blue Print's story: The Assumption of Applejack -or- Appletheosis.
- Not meant to be taken seriously.
- I gotta stop think of these stories. It's not healthy.
- Tank is best Alicorn.
- Picture was found from random tumblr post. Link can be found underneath picture itself.

Published 2013-01-27 06:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-22 05:20:10 UTC

How Tankopalous Came To Be

Rainbow Dash hated villains. Bad guys, evildoers, crooks, witches, demonic spirits, vandals, evil sorcerers, you name it. Any baddies that came around to mess with Equestria, she and her friends will be there to show them whose boss. Today was no different.

The villain they’re facing was a giant white cat that had a complete taste for egotistic appearance. The giant crown, the giant cape, the giant staff was all there at his command to look as fabulous as he could be.

Of course, Rarity would disagree, Rainbow Dash snickered in her thoughts.

The usually chic and magnific unicorn was traumatized by his outfit, and had made more than enough comments about his taste in fashion. So far, it was hilarious.

“How on earth do you get around with that shade of red?” Rarity cried. “It looks positively drab!”

“What are you talking about? This is the finest cape in all of the land!” Salazar the Cat Sorcerer shouted. “Besides, this cape is more rich and expensive than all the bits you could make in your life!”

“Ha! I could find a way more posh cape in the flea market!” Rarity flipped her luxurious, well-kept mane. “I’m willing to bet bet that’s where you picked your horrendous attire.”

“Lies! You’re just spouting lies!” Salazar stomped on the ground repetitively, looking very irritated.

“And don’t get me started on that icky, slimy, green staff you have. I don’t even know how you could work around without shame!”

Salazar pointed the staff menacingly at Rarity. “Hey! Don’t make fun of my weapon! It’s way better than your tacky Elements of Harmony.”

“We’ll just see about that,” Twilight said, standing her ground. “Everypony, get ready!”

“Right!” the rest of them shouted in unison.

Rainbow Dash closed her eyes, and focused her will on everything that her friends meant to her. The unbending loyalty she had for all of them flowed to her will, giving her the strength needed to complete the magic that is friendship. She opened her eyes, to see her other friends channeling their harmony, as well as a very nervous looking, shivering cat in a red cape.

“N- No! I thought Sombra had broken the connection!” Salazar quivered. “There’s no way they should be working!”

“Sorry Salazar,” Twilight said. “but Sombra has disappointed you.”

The cat twitched his eyes. “Very well then, it seems I have no choice. Behold: My trump card!”

Salazar swept his pulsating green staff in front of him, and shot a green lighting from the skeletal headpiece. The bolt of magic stuck the ground, and poofed up an iron cage. Rainbow then suddenly felt the flow of magic disappear, for inside the cage were-

“Opal!” Rarity cried.

“Angel? O- oh no”

“Gummy! What are you doing in there?”

The rest of them cried out as they saw their pets trapped inside the cruel bars. They squirmed uncomfortably inside the tight spaces. Salazar arrogantly chuckled at his small victory, twisting his thinly crooked mustache. With the animals at his mercy, the mares wouldn’t even dare attack him.

“You see! You see! I always have a backup plan!” Salazar went up towards the cage, and picked it up. “You blast me, and you blast these poor saps as well!”

“Ohnoohnoohnoohno,” Fluttershy squeaked over and over again, on the verge of tears.

“Well now what?” Applejack demanded. “Ah can’t just leave Winona in danger!”

“And my baby Opal as well!” Rarity teared up.

“What about Gummy! He needs his auntie Pinkie!”

The mares bawled over each other, pleading for Twilight’s guidance. The mare in speaking was being over whelmed by the sudden twist of events. She nervously peered over to the cage as well. Her feathered friend, Owlowiscious, was in there as well!

“Hold on girls, I’m trying to think here!” Twilight shrunk from the constant cries of her friends.

Rainbow Dash wasn’t a part of the scream fest though. She was trying to gather her thoughts, and see if she could locate her pet in the crowd of the others. However, there wasn’t a scale, or shell of the critter.

Oh Tank, where the heck are you?, Rainbow anxiously wondered.

As the cyan mare speculated the whereabouts of her pet tortoise, she looked above Salazar, and gasped. Luckily, she managed to muffle her shock so nopony would notice. Tank, that sly, green, slow reptile, was on a nearby roof, directly above the furry sorcerer. What in Celestia’s plothole was he doing up there? He’s going to get spotted! Rainbow Dash tried to signal to Tank to get the buck out of there, but then Salazar noticed her antics.

“Why on Discord’s feathered tail are you dancing for?” he demanded.

Her friends looked over to her. Rainbow Dash stopped. “Nothing! Just mocking you, that’s all!”

“Hmph! I wouldn’t do that if I were you, especially since I have all of your pets as hostages!” The cat allowed himself an evil laugh before starting to wave his staff. “And now, for the inevitable checkmate!”

Rainbow Dash didn’t retort. There were more pressing matters at hand. Like the fact that Tank looking about ready to jump! With her predictions right on the spot, the tortoise made a ten point leap.

“I win- OOFH! What the?? Get off me, you infernal beast!” Salazar yowled, trying to knock Tank off his head.

In the escalating moment, he had dropped the cage and it miraculously broke into pieces, freeing the imprisoned animals from within. The pets scurried (or flew) over to their respectful owners, demanding comfort from their masters with cuddles. They all obliged, and cooed at them. One mare, however, was missing out on all the fun. Cause her pet was still in danger.

“Tank! What are you doing?” Rainbow Dash shouted. “Get back over here!”

“I… I think he’s trying to distract him!” Twilight realized. “We must take this chance, girls!”

“What?” Rainbow couldn’t believe what was coming out of her friend’s mouth. “Are you serious? We can’t use the Elements now! Tank is still up there!”

“It’s his choice in the matter, Dashie,” Applejack chided. “He’s buying us time.”

“Bu- but!”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Twilight insisted. “The Elements of Harmony only affects beings with bad intentions, remember?”

“I- I,” she stammered.

Not sure what to believe in, she looked over to Tank. The loyal pet was desperately trying to hang on, not letting Salazar’s swipes knock him off. She looked back at her friends, who were insistent on defeating Salazar now. Between the peer pressure, and the safety of Tank, she knew that Equestria was more important. She sighed in resignation. Some Element of Loyalty she was.

“Alright, I’ll do it,” Rainbow Dash gave in. She joined in with the others for the final confrontation between them and Salazar. “Are you sure Tank will be alright?”

“Absolutely,” Twilight said.

Well, better late than never. Rainbow Dash focused her will of loyalty again, and joined her energy in with her friends. The friendship they’ve shared with each other gushed in and out of the bearers, flowing like streams of refreshing water. Before she even knew it, the moment was over, and Salazar was defeated. The product of their battle though was dustier than their other fights with evil goddesses and demons. The smoke was filling the lungs of Rainbow Dash, causing her to cough a little. It wasn’t a fiery kind of smoke, but it was thick enough to make her gasp for fresh air.

“Tank?” She urgently called out. “Tank? Where are you?”

She then heard a familiar wheeze come from the center. That was her Tank! Annoyed by the smoke obscuring her vision, she rapidly flapped her wings, successfully clearing away the smoke. The scenery that was reveal by her wind was outrageous. A huge crater was formed from the impact of their friendship beam, leaving no traces of any form of life or crazy furballs. However, Rainbow Dash can discriminate a small, green shell at the bottom.

“Tank!” Rainbow Dash quickly flew in the hole to rescue her pet, forming a gleeful smile along the way. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay. You had me scared there for a mome- what the?” Her earlier grin was quickly replaced by a bemused look.

Tank had popped his head out from his shell, but there was something different about him. Okay, make that two differences. Her pet was now sporting a long horn from the top of his forehead, looking sharp enough to pierce the heavens above. Previously camouflaged by his shell patterned, Tank had unfurled a pair of graceful, feathery wings that were very much larger than life. Her friends gasped in amazement at the spectacle they were given. All around Ponyville, the civilians were also given the treat of the phenomenon. Rainbow Dash’s reaction?

“What?”

Author's Note

This will be a two-parter. Next chapter will be full of silly antics. I seriously promise that.

Tortoise Alicorn Shenanigans

“Hmm… this is unlike anything I have seen before,” Princess Celestia mumbled with a sliver of awe in her voice as she observed Rainbow’s tortoise fly around the throne room, constantly bumping into the marble pillows. “I don’t know what to really say about this.”

“Are you sure there isn’t really a way to reverse the damages? I believe this could cause some unbalance in Tank’s life,” Twilight asked, her face clearly filled with concern.

“Twilight, I don’t need this! I think it’s freakin’ awesome that he has wings!” Rainbow insisted, against the idea of taking away his wings. Sure he was even clumsier than ever before, but Tank can learn to use those feathery babies, right?

It was only an hour that took the Elements of Harmony to arrive in Canterlot quickly to announce the good news to the sun goddess that the threat of the cat sorcerer was gone, but Twilight also insisted to bring along Tank so they could have his troublesome wings and horn removed. They seemed to be moving on their own, which wasn’t really a good thing for the poor thing. However, Rainbow was determined to teach her pet a few tricks or two in order to get him to fly better. After all, there was only so much that a magical propeller can do.

Of course, Twilight was not pleased at the prospect of Tank keeping his new limbs. “Rainbow, I don’t think you understand how important it is to have Tank transformed back to normal. Yes he may have gotten used to flying, but I’m pretty sure having access to magic will lead to bad things! We don’t really know what he can do with that thing! For all we know, he could turn everypony into lettuce!”

“Oh come on!” Rainbow said as she grabbed Tank, who was passing by in the air in an upside down matter. She flipped him upright, and gave him a loving noogie. “You don’t really think this guy will hurt anypony, right Tank?” The ex-tortoise craned his head slowly, like all tortoises do, and gave his owner an unsure frown. However, Rainbow took that as a yes. “You see? Innocent as a feather!”

“Ironic, given how his wings were giving him some trouble earlier,” Twilight uttered underneath her breath to herself.

Celestia, who was watching the entire conversation, coughed a couple times before stepping in it herself. “Well I think it is safe to say that Tank is harmless, but Luna and I will look into this matter. In the mean time, I think you should take Tank home. I’m sure the familiar sights will ease him.”

“Yes! Let’s take Tank home!” Rainbow agreed, silently planning of all the training exercises Tank will be going through once she gets him in Ponyville.

The Elements of Harmony left shortly after giving Princess Celestia their goodbyes, talking among themselves about what they’ll do once they get home.

“I think we should throw Tank a party for his new limbs and horn!” Pinkie Pie suggested with excitement prancing in her steps. “I mean who wouldn’t want to celebrate the first ever Alitortoise!”

“Alitor- what?” Twilight questioned with confusion.

“Alitortoise,” Pinkie Pie sounded out in a paced way. “It’s an Alicorn plus tortoise! Tank is a tortoise, and has pegasus wings and a unicorn horn! Thus, the Alitortoise!”

“Sugarpie, I still think it’s a little too soon to be namin’ things,” Applejack commented, not too sure on what her exact opinion is on her cyan friend’s pet’s new extensions. “I mean Tank is still mighty confused about this. You can clearly see on his face that he has no idea what’s going on.”

The apple farmer’s words seemed to hold true as Tank was still awkwardly flying, his wings flapping at in an unsynchronized pattern.

“Which is why I’ll be teaching how to fly,” Rainbow reminded her, flying underneath Tank so she could prop him over her head. “In fact, I think I’ll give him his first lesson now!”

“Can’t we just go home already?” Rarity whined, looking really tired. “It’s almost feeding time for Opal, and Sweetie Belle is still at school! If I had known we would be taking this long, I would have taken Opal with us so I can treat her to something delicious. I can now imagine my shop in shambles right now!” The unicorn cried out, almost fainting at the thought of her dresses being torn apart because an upset cat couldn’t get her food.

“We’re almost there, Rarity,” Twilight assured, pointing out the fact that they’re boarding a train now. “But I’m serious when I say that I have a bad feeling about all this.”

“Oh come on, Twi! What can possible go wrong?” Rainbow asked.

Anarchy. Pure, chaotic, panic-inducing disorder.

That was the state Ponyville was in soon after arriving in their town. Tank’s horn was on the fritz as some stupid idiot decided it would be a good idea to flick his horn to see if it was a fake. As it turns out, it wasn’t such a good idea. The moron was now a ball of lettuce.

Amid the chaos, the six friends were all hanging around a coffee table, each with a cup of ice tea in their hooves. All of them stayed quiet, not wavered by the Lettuce-apocalypse accidently being caused by Tank as his wings flew him out of control in the blue skies above.

“So Twilight… “ Rainbow spoke up first, “should we send a letter to Celestia?”

“Yes. I think that would be a lovely choice to make… if Spike wasn’t turned into a ball of vegetation!” Twilight yelled, pointing at the green veggie in her lap.

“Sorry Twilight,” Spike’s voice muffled out, which was strange considering that he doesn’t have a mouth. “I didn’t know it was going to happen!”

“It’s not your fault, Spike. Although really, I don’t think it was truly anypony’s fault. Except for that one filly. What was her name again? The one that flicked Tank's horn?”

"Diamond Tiara," Applejack said in a growl. "That filly is no good. Apple Bloom always came home, telling me that filly did something bad to she and her friends... so what now, Twi? Do we just let this happen?” Applejack asked, worried about her hometown.

“Unfortunately, the answer is yes. We just have to pray that Princess Celestia will hurry soon,” Twilight professed with a sigh.

“I see… how long can you keep that shield up?”

“As long as it takes.”

Author's Note

There. I finished it.