The Little Book of Happenings

by HyperRandomness

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1856

You can't tell the Princesses. You just can't.

This book is the most important thing I have ever written. Take heed into its advice and do not fail me. If you do, then the very fate of the ponies around you could hang in the balance.

(Written in under a half-hour for a challenge issued to me by DeathRiseRobo.)

Published 2012-12-02 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-02 23:10:01 UTC

The little black book.

I know you’re wondering. I know they’re wondering. I know you’re all wondering. Even that scrawny one in the back; I know he’s wondering.

About what, you might ask?

Well, about one of my favorite activities. It may be my last.

Everything ends just before it gets good. That’s how life works, right?

Right.

So, whenever something good happens, I can immediately assume that it is going to end abruptly or without reason or fair warning. Due to such things, only one option and one option alone do I resort to whenever I come across such a happenstance.

I record it in my little book of happenings.

Yes, I know, that seems quite dull. Thing is, though, I’ve found little tidbits of information. Not just any information, no. It is much more than that.

You see, I’ve found minute and nearly undetectable patterns in these occurrences. Miniscule, unnoticed details that offset a particular balance.

The balance of outcome.

Every time something good happens, I whip out my little book of happenings and record everything I observe. I make sure not to skip out on details, as every last little thing can lead to me missing the entire event or point. I have often done such by excluding minor extras, such as someone sneezing or a bee buzzing by. I have quickly learned that such a thing is not to be ignored and should be documented.

I’m rambling.

What’s important is what happens after I have everything written down. As soon as the event has drawn on for what I feel is long enough, I slink away to review my notes. In ~~my basement~~ my secret lair, I bring out all of my notes and observations and start to string things together.

Sometimes, I get exactly the information I need of how and when a good thing is going to end. Sometimes, my estimations are completely off. Other times, I just don’t get any results and end up in the dark. Even then, there are practically countless other results I can receive on a scale of positive and negative. I don’t have the time to write all of them, and I probably don’t even have the time to write all of this.

Enough rambling. What’s actually important is what I do with my gathered data. I string it together.

I look for events that trigger others. Somepony invites a friend over to their house, but accidentally lets a bee in as they welcome their guest. The bee flies by their friend’s nose to make them sneeze, knocking over tea onto somepony’s tablecloth causing them to throw the tablecloth in the laundry. The laundry load in question gets soaked in tea, and somepony goes fishing through them to find the formal attire they forgot to wash the day before. The pony ends up smelling like tea when they attend a formal party, making other partygoers think said pony had already gone to a separate party. The pony is driven out of the party in a fit of rage from the other partygoers, leaving them with the rest of the evening filled with nothing but disappointment. The pony goes home and drinks their troubles away, sending them into a drunk tizzy and causing them to fall down a flight of stairs. A hospital bill comes later with an unexpectedly high cost, which sends the pony into poverty. The broke pony searches for opportunities to make jobs, and comes across a high-risk and high-pay job. They take the job with no second thinking, but get themselves involved in a gang-related activity. They get shot and die.

A bee caused somepony to get shot and die. These are the sorts of things that I monitor and get results from.

Quite often, I am correct.

It doesn’t matter how right I am, exactly, so long as I accomplish what I need to accomplish.

What I do is more a matter of what the universe does for me. Instead of leaving everything up to logical thinking and processing, I rely more along the lines of broken thinking and impulsive reaction. It has worked for me up to this point, and there is no need to fix something that isn’t broken.

Don’t quote me on that.

I fear my time to rely this information may be drawing to a close, so I will need to hurry. The point I am trying to convey is what I do and how I do it.

Some refer to the how as a sort of ‘sixth sense.’ My friends, should I be able to call them that, refer to it as ‘Pinkie sense.’ To me, that wouldn’t ordinarily sit right, but I can’t argue with them too excessively in the open. They might catch on.

Okay, enough rambling and ranting. I’m going to stop doing that. Basically, something happens in my body to warn me of an impending disaster or event. I’m sure you’ve all heard of what happens when my tail twitches, and that is that things fall.

It isn’t limited to my tail, of course. My knees shake. My eyes itch. My mane becomes poofier. My hooves burn. My torso wobbles. These and many more bodily events happen, and they all mean something.

These twitches and spasms throughout my body all signify a specific event linked to their particular warning pattern, and figuring out new ones can be quite difficult sometimes.

I thought I already told myself I wasn’t going to rant anymore.

Anyhow, when something like this happens, I also record it in my book of happenings. My left eye might become slightly jittery, which means there is a bee in close proximity to me. I might shoo this bee away and into somepony’s house by mistake. Things such as this can lead to fatal disaster if I don’t record them and try to piece them together.

It’s sort of like a big puzzle. A good something happens, then there’s a twitch, and something bad happens after it. It’s basically up to me to figure out how it happens, why it happens, and put a stop to it.

Yes, you heard me. I intercept, translate and prevent unusual occurrences.

Okay, I really need to stop going off on random tangents and get back on track. I probably won’t have enough time to explain how this is all important, so I’m going to try my best.

Let’s say that my right foreleg starts to tingle. That means that there’s going to be something round rolling by at a quick pace. I might turn to find a wooden wheel barreling at me, then stop it in its tracks. I record this and the twitch in my book, then set aside those notes for later and record any others that happen.

When I think I’ve gathered enough information, and I’ve already told you of this part, I head back to my lair and think it through. What was rolling that object in the first place? Should I have stopped it? What could have happened if I didn’t stop it? What’s going to happen now that I did stop it?

I trace back to the scene of the event and observe everything. All the way down to the smallest bug or speck of dust. In the case of the wheel, I plan out its trajectory and see what could have transpired. In the case of the wheel, it would have crashed into a vendor’s cart of watermelons. This could have caused many of the melons to break or roll astray, which could cause much distress for the shopkeeper. This could cause the shopkeep to go into a fit of rage and flip his stand, which would alert nearby authorities and he could end up arrested. Another situation might be that he ends up getting splattered by watermelon innards and goes to wash them off of himself. While he is washing, he notes that some of the stains remain in his coat or attire and has to deal with them. Somepony might notice the stains and offer to remove them, but then they mug him as soon as he is out of the view of anypony.

Instances such as these, and countless more, could happen at any point.

Of course, I have a better method of just second-guessing everything.

This related back to my little book of happenings.

When I record things in my book of happenings for a particular event or day, there will always be a pattern. No exceptions.

I find this pattern, regardless of what it may be, then trace it towards future events that may transpire or have already occurred without me noticing. Many of the happenstances are quite fatal to many ponies.

Without second thought, I always be sure to pack necessary supplies. A cannon, rope, several sticky candies, rubber, pastries and whatever else I may feel necessary to complete my task at hand.

I trace the events out to where they are going to happen, then wait for an opportune moment such as somepony about to be stung by a lethal scorpion. I always leap into action with a peculiar plan in mind, then let my body take care of the rest. I might bat away the scorpion, throw some sticky candies at its stinger to cushion the blow, hurl some pastries at it to knock it away, blast it away with my cannon or whatever else works.

To make a long story short, I stop ponies from dying.

Sure, my cutie mark might be balloons and representative of partying, but life is often referred to as the biggest party of them all. In a way, I’m just making some ponies have longer times with their parties.

I know I have nearly no time left to relay my thoughts. I could not imagine what would transpire if the secrets encrypted into the previous texts were to fall into wrong hooves, particularly those of any ‘Princess’ of the land. I don’t trust them and they don’t trust me, so they likely know what I am up to. If this book should rest under unknown eyes, then please keep this book away from the Princesses at all cost. I don’t want them to learn what I’m doing and try to keep me from disrupting their ‘natural circle of life’ as they call it. There would be no telling what they could do if they got a hold of the information I’ve stored in my little black bo-

…

They’ve found me.

I don’t know how, but they found me. I can hear their hoofsteps.

Before I go, I have to tell you this one extremely important thing.

If you DO decrypt the messages I have left for you in my original message, then please tell them. You will know who I would be talking about if you understand the hidden message.

Please, whomever finds this book, don’t let it happ

To Whomever may be reading this book,

Please disregard any and all insane ramblings written previously in this book. It was written by a madpony and should be disregarded.

-Princess Luna