Dear Reader.
This is not a story. These are not made up events. These are the lives of the ponies I try to help, whose private struggles are kept away from the surface, and are instead, kept within. My job, as a Psychiatrist is to help these ponies come to terms with what they are grieving with. Sometimes, it's an abusive father... Other times, loneliness... Still others it is complete and utter sorrow for another. All of these things I now share to you, as these are my memoirs, of the most notable patients I had.
All right Ms. Dash, how are you today?
I'm fine Mr. Peace Green
No, you're not, other wise, you wouldn't need my help. So what is troubling you?
Its about my flying.
Oh?
My friends never ask about how I am, or wonder how I got so fast.... They always say "Oh Rainbow, you fly so fast!" or "Slow down will you!"... Always talking about how I fly. How fast or slow... But never why... Never why I want to be so fast, or why I want to fly in the first place... Why can't they see my pain? Is that all they see me as, someone whose only trait is being fast?
Maybe they trust you, and maybe you need to trust them...
Am I really that unworthy of that simple question "why?" Do they really not care about me enough to even ask?Well I'll tell you. I'll tell you why I fly. Why I try and be so fast....I...
You...?
I fly to forget okay? I fly so that I can be away from all the troubles down there on the ground. I fly so I can be free from it all. From the bickering, the lies, the deceit, the fighting, the heartache, the suffering... All of it. Just... gone. I want to be free from it all. I just want to fly away, and never come back... never come down...
Did I tell you what first made me want to fly like this?...... My mother died, when I was born, a-and... my father he... he wanted a colt... but he got me instead.... So he blamed me, for mom's death.
Oh my.
Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. Not the time I first learned to flap my wings, or the first time I beat all the other kids in races... n-not even when I performed my first s-s-sonic rainb-boom... *sniff* Nothing I-i ever d-did pleased him... So I started flying faster and faster, trying to forget about it all. The disappointment, the anger, the contempt... to just make it all go away. Every time i flew, I wanted to go faster, and farther, until no one would be around to be disappointed in me... so no one could see me cry. *sob *
There there. Everything is going to be all right.
Its kinda silly isn't it? Me, the bearer of the Element of Loyalty, the coolest, most awesomest flier in Equestria, acting all mopey and gushy like a little filly because I'm afraid of what my friends might think of me. That's normal right? r-right?
Its quite normal to get "emotional" about these type of things. After all any one would be nervous to tell someone their inner most feelings with out being judged. And it isn't silly. It shows how much you care. But do you have any happy memories to draw on?
Well.. I can never forget that feeling of being alone in that calming blue sky, alone, with only the clouds for company... The breeze slightly brushing my feathers, causing ripples in the fields of white I call home... the sun on my face as I fly into the sunset as fast as I can, blissful, calm, and happy...happy because I felt like the fastest thing alive, that I could be free of anything!.... that I could forget the sorrow, if only for just a bit...before....never mind.
...Is there something else you aren't telling me?
... there was a time when I wasn't fast enough.... one day, when I was 13, my dad... he came home drunk from the bar...again. But this time, something was different. He ranted and raged like he usually did...b-but he didn't break anything or hurt me either... he just looked at me... with this weird gleam in his eye that you know can't end well... he slowly started moving towards me, kept saying "how much you look like your mother." It scared me. So I took off, and tried to run out of the window, but I saw him coming after me. I tried to go faster, to try and just get away from him... to escape... but no matter how fast I flew, he was just behind me...s-soon... he caught up with me... and then...h-he.... i don't wanna say okay?!
Oh....oh my Celestia...
A few days later, I found him dead in our house, hung from the ceiling... there was a note there, saying how sorry he was... how he wished he had been a better dad...
...Do you think you're going to be okay?
It still hurts inside, you know? To not be able to tell my friends how much it hurts me. So when they're not looking, when it gets too much for me to handle, I... I just go. I spread my wings, and take to the skies.... feeling the warm wind caress my face... the way it ruffles my feathers oh so gently.... the softness of the clouds as I skim past them... the last rays of the sun casting shadows all around me, basking me in their warmth ... and then I see it... That big wide stretch of blue, with only the sky, oceans, and mountains around me... And when I take off, into that open blue... I feel at peace... and once more, my mind goes blank, and I can forget.... and be free.
Maybe... maybe if you tried to talk to them, and see if they sympathize with you.. you wont feel so lonely all the time, and won't have to feel like an outsider. Do you think you could do that for me?
I'll try.
Thank you Rainbow Dash. That means a lot to an old horse like me. Now remember, if you ever feel like you can't deal with it, you can always talk to me, or one of your friends okay? Now run along, I do believe your friends are waiting for you. Wouldn't want them to worry now would you?
Alright alright..... hey doc? Thanks... you know.... for listening to me.... thanks a lot.
And with that, she flew off into the sky, brim with confidence, the weight from her shoulders, and a smile on her face. I could see a tear or two leak down her face, but I didn't worry. She was happy... and that's all that mattered to me.
