Twilight Sparkle Hates Books

by Fon Shaolin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1295

A confession a lifetime in the making.

A candid entry from the diary of Twilight Sparkle.

Idea done with the permission of the wonderfully talented Skywriter. If you haven't read Princess Celestia Hates Tea, go and do that now.

This also has a live reading by Scribbler. It's not that bad!

Published 2012-11-30 08:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-30 08:10:02 UTC

Chapter 1

That’s a lie, of course. How could I live in a library and hate books? My day begins and ends with the fluttering of paper. Ponies come from miles around to ask me questions about books, to check out books, or to solve their problems with books. Why? Because I’m Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia and Ponyville librarian and there is not a single room in my home that doesn’t have a book in it.

No, I don’t hate books – I loathe books. I curse books. If but I could, I would hunt down the pony that first dreamed of the written word and strangle him or her with their own entrails.

This candid diary outburst begs the question of how a unicorn such as myself could harbor such a dislike of something so ingrained in my personality. After all, one could ask, had not I been one of the top students at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns? In fact, one of the running yearbook “fun shot” goals had been to try and catch me without a book.

They failed. Every year. For six years straight.

What one has to realize is that reading is a vital part of making good grades. That is not rocket science – it is common sense. To pull the (amazing) marks that I did meant hours upon hours of library time. How else are you supposed to claw your way to the top of the class? Natural talent?

Since this diary is bewitched with enough wards and dark magic that even that old hack Sombra would choke on it, I suppose I can finally put my dirty secret to words, if only to admit it out loud. My deepest, darkest secret that would shake the foundation of all Equestria if anypony ever found out: I, Twilight Sparkle, am not a good student.

Dear gods does that feel good to finally say (write).

Oh, I earned every single scholastic accolade I received, but I had to work for them. I had to work harder than 99% of the student body. Other ponies had special talents like speed reading or photographic memory, but not me. My special talent is magic. Why oh why do ponies think that magic translates into natural intelligence? I’m good at magic – that’s it. Not magical reading, not magical studying, and I certainly do not have a magical IQ. Do ponies actually think that the school only taught magic? Do they think I was able to just avoid all of the other boring and tedious subjects that they had to endure in public school? Ooooooh no. They doubled up the course load because this was the specialschool for the gifted students. Everything should come naturally to them. Even magical studies, the one subject I was a natural at, wasn't a reprieve for me because the princess insisted on teaching them to me personally. What should have been an easy pass was transformed into a daily struggle to not lose favor with the matron goddess of the sun.

So I read. I read and studied and then read some more until I went cross-eyed. Other ponies got to go to the fancy school parties or the field trips. Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle had to cram for the midterm. If I had a bit for every checklist or flash card I made back then I’d be richer than Filthy Rich. Some of the study tricks I developed for staying on top are taking hold in public schools all over Equestria. Take that, natural geniuses! You won’t be so smug about not having to work hard like the rest of us when the average pony can make just as good as you! No more nights on the town while the rest of us slave and toil like mules to keep up! Let’s see you be smug about your fancy birthday parties then!

Ahem.

It is infuriating how much I still rely on my old methods. Naively, I thought once I had graduated into being the princess’s student full time I wouldn’t need to see a dusty old book (that wasn’t a spellbook, naturally) ever again. I had thoughts of slowly, gleefully, expunging myself of boring history or headache-inducing mathematics.

As I mentioned before, I am rather naive. The princess took up more time with me, and that time was filled with magic and spell casting, but my mentor is a well-read pony. She devours books of all kinds on any subject. There’s even an official “Princess Celestia’s Book Club” out there that she personally updates monthly when the new releases hit the shelves. When you’re the closest pony to the bibliophile monarch, guess what? That’s right – you read books. History books, philosophy books, romance novels, crime fiction, and even cook books had to be read, appreciated, and remembered. Princess Celestia could talk for hours about things she had read, and that meant that to stay in her good graces you had to prove you could keep up with her conversations.

I’m not one to brag, but by the time I was ten I could out-quote most of the royal court by memory. Oh, how the princess would smile at me as I put forward a witty blurb from some random book I had consumed. All of those old nags and mules in their expensive clothes couldn’t get nearly as much attention as I could when I was on a roll. I could quote entire passages from Conflict and Resolution at the drop of a hat; I could make the princess titter whenever I managed to toss a quip straight out of The Wanderers Compendium to Equestria.

It was those moments - those rare, unguarded moments - when Princess Celestia was paying attention to me rather than those stodgy old nobles that I almost didn’t hate books. I still disliked reading them, of course. That wasn’t ever going to change. Books and I had burned that bridge years ago. What we had was an understanding; a work relationship. My hatred of books was outweighed in those moments by my love for –

*******

Twilight slammed her diary shut when she heard the light footfalls of her assistant plodding up the staircase to her level of the library. The little white book slipped under the covers just as Spike’s bright orange fins crested the landing.

“What is it, Spike?”

“I know it’s late, but I coughed this up a few minutes ago.” Spike held up a small, yet thick, paperback book. It was called Wonderful Expectations and there was a tiny golden seal on the bottom. It was the official “Celestia’s Book Club” logo.

Twilight floated the novel over to her bed. “Thank you, Spike. Why don’t go get a bowl of ice cream? I know how getting books bothers your throat.” She smiled when the little dragon practically ran down to the kitchen.

She looked down at the loathsome stack of wasted paper. It could get lost so very easily. Maybe Spike coughed just a bit too hard and lit it aflame? Perhaps there had been some kind of cosmic mix-up and some other dragon had gotten it? It could just get lost in the library, put on a shelf and forgotten. Just this one time…

A tiny slip of paper fell out from between the pages as Twilight lifted the book. It was just a simple message scrawled in a casually mundane script that very few ponies would recognize. Tell me what you think, it said.

Twilight sighed. She pulled her diary back out from beneath her duvet and carefully hid it away in her locked nightstand.

She turned to the first page in her new book and began to read.