Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them by Professor Crypto Theory

by Purple Dalek

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 5841

Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them is the best-selling book nopony should leave home without.

Better selling than the Equestrian Almanac and more accurate than Pinkipedia, Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them is the best-selling book nopony should leave home without. Join Professor Crypto Theory as he chats about Changelings, pontificates about Parasprites and wonders about Windigos.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-30 11:53:58 UTC

An A-Z of Fantastic Beasts (part 1)

An A-Z of Beasts (part 1)

Ahuizotl

Ahuitzotls are mish-mashes (note: a mish-mash is any beast that combines traits from more than one other living creature. For more information see the further reading entry at the bottom of this passage.) Combining traits from monkeys (one of my least favourite animals, incidentally), dogs and bears, the Ahuizotl is a frightening creature.

As Ahuitzotls live in the jungles of Screamdonia, far to the south of Equestria, not much is known about them. There are unconfirmed reports of Ahuitzotls eating ponies but it is believed their diet really consists of rabbits, fish and monkeys (serves them right, the hairy little buggers.)

Due to the popularity of the Daring Do book series (I read one of those once; it was awful) many ponies believe that Ahuitzotls are capable of speech and intelligent thought. Most educated ponies, like me, know that this is a load of old donkey’s kidneys and that the average Ahuizotl is no more intelligent than a tepid glass of milk.

If you are unfortunate enough to encounter an Ahuizotl, it will most likely try to throttle you with the strong hand (a hand is like a hoof except with wiggly bits hanging off of it) on the end of its tail. I know this from personal experience. My throat still gets sore whenever I drink something. Your best chance is to throw your pet at the Ahuizotl attacker and hope for the best. What? It’s not like you can’t just buy another one.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: Whole Sort of General Mish-Mash by Dugless Apples

Buzzard

The Buzzard is a large bird that constantly emits a shrill, high-pitched buzzing noise. Prolonged exposure to the Buzzard’s buzzing can cause mild annoyance and/or slight irritation.

Buzzards are an endangered species. This is due to the fact that they are delicious. Really delicious. Really, really delicious. Really, really, really delicious. Ponies have been known to kill just to get a taste of that sweet, sweet Buzzard meat. Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Buzzard. Go on; go outside and kill one now. I won’t tell anypony.

I once ate my niece’s pet Buzzard. When she asked where Buzz-Buzz had gone, I told her he had run away. She totally believed me.

Danger Rating: Bronze

Further Reading: Buzzard In My Bonnet by Buzz All-Din

Cerberus

A Cerberus is an enormous dog with three-heads and about half the brains. Infamously, Cerberuses only have one quarter of a brain in each head, making them rather dim-witted and easy to fool. Indeed, I can say from personal experience that playing fetch with a Cerberus is incredibly frustrating and a huge waste of time. But enough about how thick they are (they are REALLY thick; I could go on all day.)

Cerberuses are created by using dark magic to mash three separate dogs together. This process has been illegal since the passing of the Anti-Cruelty to Beasts Act (they won’t let you have any fun, will they?) and, as such, there are now very few Cerberuses left in the world. Indeed, there are only three recorded cases of a Cerberus in the last one thousand years. The guard of the ancient prison Tartarus, Queen Wutanga of Zebrica’s pet Cerberus (named Cuddles) and the infamous tyrant King Sombra’s attack dog (although there are theories that Sombra simply made up the Cerberus to increase his notoriety.)

If you wish to survive an encounter with a Cerberus, I suggest you carry a dictionary or thesaurus. Reading long words (eight letters or more) out loud will confuse the beast, allowing you to either make your escape or laugh at the stupid thing. I suggest doing both.

Danger Rating: Silver (would be a Gold if they weren’t so pitifully stupid.)

Further Reading: Got To See A Stallion About A Dog by Professor Tail Wagging

Changeling

A Changeling (archaically known as a Fairy, Faerie or Pixie) is an insectoid, shape-shifting close relative of us Equestrian ponies. Their home, the Desolate Wasteland, is peppered with huge mounts (the largest of which is reported to be as large as Canterlot Castle) which house hives that sometimes number into the tens of thousands. Each hive is constantly at war with each other and is ruled over and commanded by a Changeling Queen.

Changeling Queens display far more intelligence than their Warrior underlings and are roughly the size of a Pegasus Unicorn (or “Alicorn.”) Queens are known to be cunning, sadistic and very vain. Never insult a Changeling Queen’s appearance, or face her wrath. For example, I once told a Changeling Queen she looked like a burnt, crispy hay fry. Apparently, she took offence to this, as evident by her trying to use my kidneys for a game of conkers. Changeling Kings, on the other hoof, are small, feeble, submissive and only serve to fertilise the Queen’s eggs (which often number six hundred each time so it’s a rather strenuous job). There are “whipped” as the young ponies would say.

All Changelings are capable of advanced shape-shifting magic. They use his ability to replace loved ones and feed off love, their primary food source. Spotting a Changeling imposter is difficult. I would recommend stamping on your loved ones’ hooves every once in a while. If they respond with an insectoid shriek, you may be in trouble. It’s important to be safe. If you truly love your wife, you’ll hit her.

Changelings are capable of flight and can also discharge dangerous bolts of excess magic energy from their jagged horns, making them formidable and irritating foes. Theories that bug stray may be effective are unconfirmed. Causing them to overdose on love may be effective but nopony has been brave or drunk enough to try that yet. Rumours of a rogue Changeling hive hiding in the Canterlot Mountains are unconfirmed and are likely a lot of old dragon dung.

Overall, they aren’t very pleasant.

Danger Rating:

Bronze (Changeling Kings)

Silver (Changeling Warriors)

Gold (Changeling Queens)

Further Reading: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes by Doctor Daffy Bowie

Cockatrice

The Cockatrice (whose name has caused inappropriate giggles amongst schoolfoals for generations) is perhaps the most famous of the mish-mash genus. It combines traits of a chicken, a snake and a dragon. Cockatrices have the ability to freeze any living creature they look at into stone. This ability is difficult to control for adolescent Cockatrices and so they are forced to mate with their eyes closed. I know from first hoof experience that this is utterly hilarious to watch.

Cockatrices often decorate their nests with their frozen victims. I assume they are used as paperweights or conversation starters at parties. The stoning (don’t laugh) process is reversible. If you find an unfortunate pony being used as a Cockatrice’s paperweight, simply submerge them in boiling water for up to fifteen hours and they should be fine. Other than the third degree burns. Fluttershy of Ponyville has wrote to tell me that the stoning process can be reversed by simply talking to the Cockatrice but I think she’s a lying liar so there.

Cockatrices were created by the unicorn Crack Pot the Strange using dark magic almost seven hundred years ago. When questioned about why we would create such a terrifying creature, Crack Pot simply stated that it was a Sunday afternoon and that he had nothing better to do.

Cockatrices are found all over Equestria, mostly in forests and swamps. If you encounter a Cockatrice, I recommend you come to terms with the idea of being a paperweight for the rest of eternity. Isn’t nature grand?

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Nopony Calls Me Chicken by Marley McFlew

Diamond Dog

Diamond Dogs live far underground in elaborate tunnels they create using their almost magical adeptness at digging. Diamond Dogs are one of the most unpleasant races in Equestria. They look bad, smell bad, talk bad, write bad, cook bad and dance bad. A Diamond Dog wouldn’t even lift a paw to save his own mother from a hungry Manticore unless she offered to pay him for his services.

Diamond Dogs are obsessed with gems of all kinds. So whoever named them Diamond Dogs was a bit narrow minded, really. They have been known to enslave ponies to help them in their endless search for gems. Diamond Dogs also occasionally raid dragon treasure hoards which is an astoundingly stupid thing to do but is infinitely entertaining to watch.

Diamond Dog culture (I use culture in the loosest possible sense) is based around smell. Whomever smells the worse is dominant. One Diamond Dog in particular, Dizzy the Flatulent, smelt so bad that seven of the attendants to his twenty-first birthday party died of internal bleeding. And they were Diamond Dogs. You do not want to know what happened to the ponies that were unlucky enough to catch a whiff of him.

If you are going to travel in Diamond Dog territory (I’m not sure why you’d want to but I suppose not everypony is sensible like me) then I suggest you carry some fake costume jewellery with you. It’s worthless of course, but they don’t know that. I would also recommend breathing through your mouth or cutting off your nose.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: He Who Smelt It Dealt It by Professor Bow Wow

Dragon

The dragon is one of the largest beasts in the world, second only to the Ursa Major (a fact that many dragons are rather bitter about.) Once they reach maturity (usually at around five hundred years of age) a dragon will stop ageing and is effectively immortal. The oldest recorded dragon is Strax the Fibber, who claims to be over fifty thousand years old. However, many other dragons think he is lying or exaggerating. Hence the name. Of course, it is still possible for an ageless dragon to be killed by blunt force, but if you try to murder a full grown dragon you must have about as much sense as a drunken Diamond Dog.

There are many breeds of dragon across the world. I could list them all here but it’s five o’clock on a Friday afternoon and I can’t be bothered. So I’ll just list the famous ones: Red-Ridge Mountain Dweller, Green-Horn Forest Dweller, Equestrian Potbellied Wingless and Jewel-Encrusted Crack Attack. There. That’s all you’re getting. Look it up if it interests you so much.

All breeds of dragon are immune to extreme heat. This means they can breathe fire, bathe in lava and brush their teeth with sulphur. Strax the Fibber claims he once flew into the sun and came out perfectly fine. Again, he might be exaggerating.

If you meet a dragon I recommend grovelling on your knees and begging for your life. It didn’t work for me in the Fields of Happenstance, but you might have better luck. You couldn’t possibly have worse luck.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Oh Celestia Please Don’t Kill Me by Burnt N Crispy

Griffon

Griffons are the only member of the mish-mash genus to have intelligent thought. They are a mix of eagles and lions. Their civilization (whose name is unpronounceable to ponies; possibly because the Griffons just want to be awkward) exists far north of Equestria, past even the Frozen North and where the Crystal Empire is believed to have once existed.

Historically, Griffons and ponies have never quite got on. The most infamous and bloody of the conflicts being the Pony-Griffon Kerfuffle of almost twelve thousand years ago. It is believed that the Kerfuffle started when the ponies and Griffons disagreed about whose creation myth was correct. Griffons believe the world exists on the back of a housefly and that the apocalypse will come in the form of an impossibly huge fly swatter. You already know the pony creation myth, of course. You also know that it is the correct one.

Griffon culture is based around being talented. Being talented at absolutely anything. Cooking, singing, dancing, fighting and so on. Even a talent at bullying or just generally being a complete and total featherbrain is seen as a positive thing. Griffons who aren’t particularly talented in one field are shunned by society and are referred to as “Them Guys Who Don’t Do Anything.” It sounds much less silly in Griffinese.

Griffons have razor sharp beaks and talons. In fact, a legion of Griffons is one of the few things capable of taking on a dragon without having to write a suicide note first. If a Griffon is acting hostile towards you, simply challenge it to a duel in its talent field of choice. Specify a time and place for the duel. Then don’t turn up to the duel.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: Beak and Claw by Smart Cookie

Human

The existence of Humans (or Homo sapiens, if you’re feeling pretentious) is a hotly debating topic in my field. A small minority believe that Humans exist whereas clever ponies (such as me) think that’s it’s a load of horseapples.

For what it’s worth, Humans are often described as tall, hairy, monkey-like beings with oily skin and greasy manes. They are often spotted in forests. Eye-witnesses say that Humans travel in packs and communicate to each other in a strange language. There is no evidence that such creatures exist. The odd footprints that Humanoligists often cite as proof are likely the footprints of young or adolescent dragons.

Perhaps the most famous Human myth is that of the Rockwell Incident almost seventy years ago. A family of earth ponies claim that a pack of Humans surrounded their small farming house in Rockwell (a few miles south of Appleloosa) and tormented the family for an entire night. Apparently, the Humans kept staring through the windows of the house and proceeded to laugh at the family’s terror in low, rumbling voices. The earth pony family says this story is true to this day. Most ponies think they were either drunk or stupid.

Danger Rating: N/A (it’s rather difficult to say how dangerous a non-existent creature is)

Further Reading: I Know They Exist by Doctor Lyra Heartstrings

Hydra

The Hydra is a distant relative of the dragons. It is an amphibious creature that tends to live in swamps, bogs or (much to the annoyance of health and safety inspectors) sewage plants. Hydras are born with four heads and, contrary to popular belief, cannot grow any more than that. Thank Celestia.

Each of the four heads has a distinct personality and role. The left head (as seen from whatever unfortunate pony is facing the Hydra) is the mediator. It is sensible, calm and often gets frustrated at the other heads. The next head is the conscience. It often suggests non-dangerous and/or non-violent ways of doing things, but is always ignored by the other heads. The next, next head is the fighter. It is psychopathic, sociopathic, narcissistic and rude. It attacks prey and often the other heads too. Finally, the right head is the load. It does nothing but laugh at the other heads’ misfortunes. It often learns quickly not to laugh at the warrior head.

If faced with a Hydra, your best hope is that the heads will start arguing amongst themselves. If not, I recommend running really, really, really fast. Better head to the gym, chubby.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Headache by Professor Hercules

Manticore

Yet another member of the mish-mash genus, the Manticore looks like a lion with bat wings and a scorpion tail glued on. The venom distributed by said tail is deadly. It causes your insides to bubble out of each of your orifices like a science fair volcano created by a particularly psychotic schoolfoal. After that, victims tend to fall over by slipping on their own insides and get humiliated on top of being, y’know, dead.

Manticores often live in forests (although there is a desert dwelling subspecies) and pray on pretty much anything. Including ponies. I know this as, once, when I was conducting field research in the Everfree Forest for my awful job; I was attacked by a ravenous Manticore. I promptly jammed a thorn into the beast’s paw. That showed it.

If you encounter a Manticore, I recommend trying to jam things into its paws. Because one; it seems to work. And two; it’s quite good fun.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: My Encounter With A Manticore by Slip N Slide

An A-Z of Fantastic Beasts (part 2)

An A-Z of Fantastic Beasts (part 2)

Minotaur

The Minotaur is a large, upright bull capable of intelligent thought and incredible feats of strength (although, they still have trouble with pickle jars.)  Humanoligists, such as my colleague Doctor Lyra Heartstrings, believe that Minotaurs should be classified as part of the mish-mash genus as they are part Human. Officially, this is dismissed as the ramblings of crackpots.

Minotaurs originate from the far away land of Fleece; renowned for its sweater and cardigan industry. Minotaurs have the ability to never get lost, as they evolved in the maze-like hedge mazes of Fleece. Very little is known of Minotaur culture as, when you ask a Minotaur, he tells you to shut up, stop asking stupid questions and could you tell him where the bathroom is please. At least, that’s what happens in my experience.

Minotaurs have a relationship with Goats. No, not like that, they’re just good friends. The Minotaurs let the Goats have all the sweaters and cardigans they can eat and, in return, the Goats act as servants for the Minotaurs.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: That’s A Load Of Bull by Professor Minos Crete

Parasprite

Parasprites are fast breeding (they vomit up their young) faeries with an appetite that rivals Princess Celestia when confronted with cake. They are native to Zebrica and have been responsible for many famines over the last three hundred years. Parasprites were created by the Zebras to wipe out enemy tribes’ food supplies (hey, that rhymes!)

Their rapid reproduction, massive appetite and “adorable” appearance (yeah, right) were all purposely designed to make the Parasprites deadly weapons. Despite their fearsome reputation in their homeland, they are not very well known outside of Zebrica. This may be because the Zebras are rather embarrassed about the whole thing. There are unconfirmed rumours of Parasprite swarms settling overseas in Equestria, but these are unconfirmed.

Parasprites have been known to eat the following: wheat, maize, corn, flowers, trees, bushes, bread, cake, vegetables, fruit and the contents of coffins. But not spinach. They don’t like spinach. Many Zebra farmers try to take advantage of this by only growing spinach. Unfortunately, nopony likes spinach and it won’t grow in Zebrica anyway.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to cast an appetite-cancelling spell (often used in pony dieting) on a Parasprite swarm as this may instead triple their appetite and cause them to devour buildings and other objects. This is funny but also quite destructive.

If you are having trouble with a Parasprite swarm, try playing some music. Music seems to affect their mood; Classical clams them down, Pop makes them happy and Hip-Hop makes them angry. Of course, they may try to eat your musical instrument if it is made out of wood, as my cousin Octavia once learnt the hard way.

Danger Rating: Silver

Further Reading: Parasprite Polka by Pinkamena Diane Pie

Phoenix

Phoenixes are spirits that live on (or in) the sun. They take the form of a large, orange bird of prey when they visit our world. I’m not sure why. If I was a near immortal fire spirit, I’d take the form of a giant Manticore and go to town on the nearest town, but I suppose I’m the only one with any imagination.

When a Phoenix reaches the end of one of its many lifetimes, it crumbles into ash and rebirths itself. It’s as disgusting as it sounds; not at all “beautiful” as many ponies would have you believe. There is debate over how many times a Phoenix can go this. Some say 12, others say 507. Personally, I don’t give a flying feather.

Princess Celestia famously owns a pet Phoenix named Philomena (incidentally, it bit me once.) Philomena often flies to the sun and back to inform her mistress of how the star is doing and if any maintenance is needed.

If you anger a Phoenix, it will unleash its fire powers on you. Being naturally peaceful creatures (apparently) the worst they will do is frighten you or char your mane. The worst Phoenix injury ever (a singed tail) was reported four hundred years ago by a pegasus called Hypo Driac. He complained for weeks. The only real way to anger a Phoenix is too threaten its eggs or insult its mother.

Danger Rating: Bronze (honestly, they won’t do anything to you. Just stay away from any eggs.)

Further Reading: The Order Of The Phoenix by Princess Celestia

Sea Ponies

We have all heard the myths of the Sea Ponies. A beautiful, intelligent, aquatic race of ponies who admired art and music.

In reality, the Sea Ponies were quite different. They weren’t beautiful; they were an ugly mish-mash of pony and sea creature. Honestly, they looked like something a seagull would cough up. The Sea Ponies didn’t like music or art. The sound waves wouldn’t carry properly underwater and the paint would always run on any art. While it’s true that they were intelligent, they actively shunned contact with land ponies. Snobs.

Nopony is quite sure of how the Sea Ponies first came to be. Some say a tribe of ponies were forced into the sea and adapted to it. Others say they just tripped into the sea. Others say that some sort of slipping was involved but we can’t be sure.

Sea Pony language was based on echolocation. Above water, it just sounded like strange singing (many ear witnesses describe it as sounding like “shoop be doo.”)

As you know, Sea Ponies completely disappeared one hundred and fifty years ago. The world’s oceans have been searched but there is no sign of them. There are many theories on where the Sea Ponies went (see the further reading entry). Some think they went to more secluded oceans to live in peace. Some think they went into outer space. Personally, I don’t give a flying feather.

Danger Rating: N/A. Seeing as how they don’t exist anymore.

Further Reading: So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish by Dugless Apples

Sea Serpent

Sea Serpents (and their smaller cousins, River Serpents) are fearsome predators that live in practically every body of water in the known world. Yes, even your garden pond. Now you know what happened to your ducks.

In Sea and River Serpent culture, whoever is the most fabulously styled is the dominant male. Due to this, Serpents are the biggest consumers of male beauty products (hair gel, deodorant, aftershave, moustache combs) in the whole world. Many fashionista ponies cater exclusively to the Serpent market. Possibly because they don’t have any talent elsewhere and one of my ex-wives was a fashionista and no I’m not bitter of course I’m not.

How exactly Serpents keep their hair looking good, despite living underwater, is one of life’s great unsolved mysteries. Right up there with the meaning of existence and the way into a mare’s heart. Probably. Nopony has asked a Serpent because they usually just say that you’re jealous.

If you encounter a hostile Serpent, go for the moustache and/or beard. Handlebar moustaches and goatees are especially vulnerable. If their precious facial hair is damaged, Serpents fall into a great depression. And depression is always worth a good laugh or two.

Danger Rating: Silver (If provoked. They’re usually too busy grooming themselves to bother with ponies.)

Further Reading: You Moustache Me A Question by Steven Magnet

Timberwolf

Timberwolves are mish-mashes of wolves and trees. They are infamous for their sheer savagery, brutal methods of killing and bad breath. They hunt in packs and have been known to eat sheep, pigs, cows and ponies. The dominant male in each pack can be identified by the crest of brambles atop his head. This is typically used to disembowel prey.

Timberwolves were created four hundred years ago by the dark unicorn Pungeon Master. When questioned, he said he made the Timberwolves “just for pun.”

Yes. Really.

Timberwolves are only encountered in the Everfree Forest, just south of Ponyville. So, if you wish to avoid them, stay the hay away from there. If you want to see Timberwolves, I suggest you go for it because we don’t need idiots like you in our gene pool. Only smart ponies like me. And maybe the Great and Powerful Trixie because that mare has got it going on.

What?

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Oh God Please Help I’m Being Chased By Timberwolves by an unknown author (the body was never found.)

Troll

Trolls are small, grey-skinned imps. Trolls are not capable of intelligent thought but are still capable of speech. Although, the speech is always limited to short (and insulting) bursts. Famously, Francis of Aneighneigh was once called a “pinheaded pencilnecked geek” by a Troll.

Trolls usually live under bridges where they survive on a diet of rotten fish and never, ever wash. Because of this, they are the preferred prey of Sea and River Serpents as, it is believed, the Serpents wish to rid the world of the Trolls’ un-fabulousness.

Trolls have been known to latch onto a specific pony and hound them constantly. The constant insults can provide entertainment for your friends, but it is better to deliver a quick, hard kick to the Troll’s face and be done with it.

According to legend, there is a single Troll who travels the world insulting every living thing on the planet. In reverse alphabetical order. Such pettiness. You have to admire it, really. Incidentally, a Troll I once encountered in Fillydelphia called me a “bitter, cynical, egotistical depressed loser.” I don’t know what he was talking about.

Danger Rating: Bronze

Further Reading: Nothing. Nopony has written a book on Trolls because nopony can stand to be around them for an extended period of time.

Quarray Eel

Quarray Eels are members of the snake family (I know, I know, just go with it) who typically reside in mountainous regions where there are plenty of nooks and crannies to hid in. The reason for this is that Quarray Eels are very, very shy. So shy that nopony would ask them to the prom. If they had proms. Which they don’t. Forget the prom.

Quarray Eels spend their whole lives in their hidey-holes (as is the correct scientific term.) They survive on a diet of moss (which they naturally excrete from their bodies) and small insects (which they don’t naturally excrete from their bodies.) They only exit their hidey-holes if something moves close by. They poke out their heads to say hello to whomever it is, snapping their jaws in the usual Quarray Eel way of greeting. Many ponies mistake this for hostile behaviour. Can’t think why.

As their head is only part of a Quarray Eel to leave the hidey-hole, nopony knows what the rest of the creature looks like. If you asked nicely, a Quarray Eel would just shy away. Lemon Blossom of Canterlot is reported to have once seen the rest of a Quarray Eel. She is now a permanent resident at the Canterlot Home for Off Their Rocker Ponies.

Quarray Eels are the only creature in this book that I genuinely like. They’re that lovely.

Danger Rating: Bronze

Further Reading: That’s A Moray by Professor Crypto Theory (yes, I’m plugging my own book. Shut up.)

Ursa

Ursas are enormous bears made out of starlight held together by a natural magic field. Ursas feed off of moonlight in the same way a plant feeds off sunlight. Y’know, that really long complicated word that begins with a P that I can’t be bothered to look up in the dictionary.

Ursas go through two stages in their life cycle. The larvae form (the Ursa Minor) is roughly the size of a large house and is very aggressive. Ursa Minors have been known to attack towns and absorb the inhabitants into their bodies. Nopony knows what happens inside an Ursa’s body put it can’t be pretty. The adult form (the Ursa Major) is even bigger than a dragon. It is mellower than its young, but it still isn’t wise to throw rocks at an Ursa Major. Trust me on that.

Once an Ursa Minor is ready to mature into an Ursa Major, it spins a cocoon out of starlight and metamorphoses (phew, that was a long word) into its adult form. This process usually takes a century or two. Once their young have entered the cocoon stage, Ursa Majors crumble into stardust, their job complete. Stardust is very hot and, once it has been cooled for at least nine decades, makes a good ingredient in curries.

Ursas, both Minor and Major, are indestructible. There are tales of extremely talented unicorns vanquishing rampaging Ursas, but I respectfully think that they are talking complete and utter horseapples. If you encounter an Ursa, kiss your flank goodbye and cancel any upcoming dates.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: Starbear Waiting In The Sky by Doctor Daffy Bowie

Windigo

Windigos are the twisted spirits of former ponies who feed off hatred and wish to freeze the entire world until they are the only beings left. They can only be defeated by pure friendship and love (yuck!)

This is according to the Equestria founding legend, of course. In true, there is no evidence that Windigos ever existed. It is far more likely that the early Equestrians did not understand about natural weather (a rare phenomenon) and blamed their misfortunes on imaginary evil spirits. Indeed, as you know, it is commonly accepted that most of the Hearth’s Warming Eve myth is exaggerated or fabricated.

So, no, Windigos don’t exist. Then again, nopony believed in the Dock Ness Monster and now she’s Celestia’s accountant.

Hmm. Is it just me, or is it a bit chilly outside?

I’m not sure why I wrote that last bit.

Danger Rating: N/A

Further Reading: The classic (and overrated) storybook we all grew up with, Our Equestrian Story (Illustrated).

Zebbaworm

Native to the plains of Zebrica, the Zebbaworm is a long, thin, green worm roughly the size of a dog. Its diet consists of dried leaves and nothing else. Scientists have attempted to get the Zebbaworm to expand its horizons, but it’s just not interested.

Much like the Parasprite, Zebbaworms are used as instruments of war by the Zebra tribes. However, Zebbaworms are natural creatures, not magical constructs like the Parasprites.

The Zebbaworm is used by the Zebras to torture prisoners. For the Zebbaworm is so dull, so mind-bogglingly uninteresting, that being trapped in a room with it is enough to make even the more hardened warrior crack. We’re talking mathematics levels of boredom here. Prisoners tortured by Zebbaworm often try to take their own lives. It’s just that dull.

If you find yourself trapped in a room with a Zebbaworm, don’t attempt to stamp on it. You will be so bored that will literally not be able to lift a hoof. Try thinking of something fun and interesting (like me, for example) to stop your brain from melting and pouring out of your eye sockets.

There are no Zebbaworms in Equestria. They are banned by Pony Rights laws.

Danger Rating: Gold

Further Reading: I wouldn’t recommend anything. Reading books about the Zebbaworm is hazardous to your health.

About the Author

About the Author

Crypto Theory was born to earth pony parents in Canterlot. His interest in fantastic beasts was encouraged by his mother, a legendary breeder of Buzzards.  He graduated Canterlot University with a major in Fantastical Beasts Studies and a minor in Earth Pony History. After traveling the world and encountering the many magical creatures in this book, Crypto discovered that he didn’t really like fantastic beasts after all.

After writing the many conflicting editions of Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them, Crypto began to teach Fantastical Beasts Studies at Canterlot University. He hates his job, but the pay is fairly good. He previously worked as a scientific advisor to Princess Celestia a job he frequently described as “more tedious than a dinner date with a Zebbaworm.”

Crypto has declined invitations to go on field research across the world, citing that he doesn’t wish to lose any more limbs. Recently, Crypto was awarded a knighthood by Princess Celestia for his contribution to the field of Fantastical Beasts Studies. Crypto resents this and refuses to acknowledge his knighthood.

Crypto currently lives in Canterlot (he won’t give out his address as he doesn’t want losers hounding him) and often shouts at passers-by through his many windows. His daughter visits him once a month.

If you see Professor Crypto Theory then, please, leave him be. He doesn’t want to talk to you.

Foreword

Foreword

I was deeply depressed when I was first contacted to write this foreword for this twelve edition of Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them. At first I thought they wanted me to go out in the field again. I was most relieved when I realised I would just be writing this foreword and updating my old notes. I believe now is as good a time as any to clear up some misconceptions about this book.

First, I came up with the idea for this book when I was lying in the Fields of Happenstance, dying from a dragon bite. It occurred to me that, if I wrote a book about how our world is a horrible place filled with horrible creatures, it may persuade ponies not to bother with the whole thing. Unfortunately, it seems many readers (read: all of them) misinterpreted my book and to this day I still get fan mail praising me on my “love and passion for animals.”

Dreadful, isn’t it?

Second, yes, the dragon bite still hurts and so do all of the scorpion stings. Thanks for asking, by the way.

Lastly, many ponies over the years (most of them students) have asked me if there is a message to Fantastic Beasts and How to Avoid Them. Yes. Yes there is. The message is not (as many ponies refuse to stop believing) that nature is beautiful and fascinating. The message is, in fact, this:

Please stay indoors.

Professor Crypto Theory

Danger Ratings

In order to better help you avoid them, I have rated each beast in this book. Beasts with a gold rating should be avoided at all costs. If you run into one of these, you can forget about making it to next Hearth’s Warming Eve. Those with a silver rating are dangerous, and you should certainly avoid them, but you will most likely only be horrifically mutilated rather than killed. Creatures with a bronze rating are just dull, really. Feel free to give them a good, hard kick.