Upstart Villainy

Chapters

Finder's Keepers
Public Dispute
Something of a Snag
Skyward Jerks
Seriously, She's Mine
The Day After

Finder's Keepers

Upstart Villainy

Finder’s Keepers

They won’t stand a chance this time, he thought. Finally, after months of planning, they stood at the cusp of supreme victory, once and for all, until the end of time. The wicked cool tyrant with the blazing hair and awe-inducing bulk looked to the gleaming kingdom ahead that would serve as his conquest, then looked down at the vast numbers of his army. Goombas, para-troopas, buzzy beetles, lakitus, every variant of Hammer Bro—from cannon fodder to special ops—all of them awaited his command, the order that would turn them loose onto a helpless populace. Oh yes, Bowser was totally in the zone.

“My faithful peons!” he bellowed. “The time for the Mushroom Kingdom’s destruction is at hand! Though you’ve undoubtedly tasted defeat countless times, today my unerring leadership and brilliant planning has made it so that we will not lose this time around. Through sheer numbers we’ll crush our foes, take what is rightfully mine, and give this world the awesome ruling it deserves! So show no fear, take no quarter, do not hesitate to use one another for shields, and kick some mushroom butt!”

A resounding battle cheer rose from his legionaries, announcing their willingness to lay down their lives for their supremely awesome ruler to have a chance at total victory. Despite many past failings, it reassured him that loyalty remained solid amongst the ranks.

“Man, I’m just too good,” he said to himself, just as a small black creature skittered up to him from the side.

“L-lord Bowser! I bring urgent news!” the ninji cried.

“Report, soldier.”

“From the east, another army approaches, led by a most heinous despot. They are marching on an intercept course with us, your Vileness.”

“Another army? Who could...” Bowser’s eyes widened as he made a growl in annoyance. “Really, him? Now of all times!?”

The Koopa King looked eastward, and watched as another army appeared over a nearby hill. It did indeed look similar to his, except at the front leading them was... Ugh, "King" Sombra. The four-legged upstart looked just as stupid as always in his tacky red cape and lame armor. His eyes were glowing green as usual. Since when were they not glowing green? Just something else that irked Bowser to no end, and he wasn’t about to take any of it today. Not when something this big was going down.

“Hey, moron!” he yelled at the other army. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Launching a surprise mass attack, isn’t it obvious?” the unicorn yelled back across the vast expanse of the gathering grounds. “Oh wait, it wouldn’t be obvious, since you’re about as dimwitted as any other turtle, only larger and smellier.”

“At least I’m not some loser-corn with seriously bad complexion!” 'Heh, nice burn,' he thought. “And what’s this about launching an attack? It better not be anywhere near the Mushroom Kingdom. That’s my territory!”

“Well, there isn’t any other kingdom close by. You can’t expect me to bring an invasion down on empty, uninhabited plains now would you?”

“You step off! I’ve been planning this attack for months, and it’s cost me tons of manpower and resources to make it as freakin’ massive as it is!”

“Months you say? Ha! Slowness ever befitting a turtle, as usual. I thought up and organized this invasion force in under a week. For that kingdom’s sake, I say they’d much rather be attacked by the more competent strategist.”

“My scaly butt! You organized squat; most of your ‘army’ is from my side. Hey, Felix! Did you guys seriously abandon me for a horse?”

“We’re sorry, Lord Bowser,” replied a troopa within Sombra’s camp. “But he actually offers dental, and never once in my time of service did you even give us a discount."

“Gwuh!? You idiot, you don’t even have teeth!”

“The goombas do, as do the thwomps.”

“Wait, you have thwomps over there as well!?”

'So much for rock-steady loyalty,' Bowser thought, and that stupid Sombra was chuckling like a dummy over it.

“See, you can’t even keep your own subjects in line, and yet you remain their king. How sorry I feel for them.” Sombra pretended to wipe a tear as he kept laughing. “Furthermore, I highly doubt you thought up a contingency plan should your attack fail, given your track record.”

That horse was seriously getting on Bowser’s nerves, more so than usual.

“Grrrrrrrr. Well you know what, smart aleck? I actually did come up with a back-up plan for this! Wheel it in, boys!”

Bowser turned to face a group of troops that carried over a massive gold bob-omb. After the troops let the bomb down and left, the Koopa King patted a claw against its gilded side.

“This baby here is the end-all to all end-alls, the Bob-OOM. If things turn sour, I just light the fuse and before you know it, nothing’s left! If I can’t have the Mushroom Kingdom this time, nobody will! Bwuhahahaha!”

“Oh my, you actually considered defeat an option. What a surprise.” Sombra gave a chuckle. “Though I give you credit for thinking past the first strike, it’s nothing to be amazed by, since I have come up with a contingency as well.”

With a whisk of his dumb red horn, Sombra made a sizable bomb with his face on it appear beside him. Seriously, the guy puts his own face on a bomb? 'How full of yourself can you be,' Bowser wondered.

“I give you the Shadow Bomb, my good turtle. When activated by my dark magic, it will unleash a wave of darkness that will consume all things that exist in the light. Should I fail, the kingdom will be plunged into intangibility. A more elegant and cruel outcome than merely blowing everything to bits.”

“Ya can’t go wrong with the classics, bub. And really, ‘Shadow Bomb’? More like ‘Shadow Bore’ with a name that uncreative! If you’re that lazy with naming things, then I take it your glorious new empire will be called ‘Generic Evil Land’.”

“At least a name like Shadow Bomb isn’t as painfully stupid as ‘Bob-OOM’. To be perfectly honest, I feel embarrassed for the both of us: you for saying it, and me for having heard it.”

“Whatever!”

Sombra polished his armored hoof against his chest before looking it over. “Face it: you’ve had your chances. Your many, many chances, but now it’s come time for someone proper to rule over this land with an iron hoof. Someone who’s had actual experience running a conquered empire.”

“H-hey! I’ve conquered this place before, y’know!”

“For about a week, at most.”

Okay that does it. “Oh yeah!? Let’s see how high and mighty a conqueror you are when you’re flat as a pancake! Gimme That!” Putting both his beefy claws around the Bob-OOM, Bowser hefted the WMD and swung around to perform a powerful toss. With a large explosive coming right at him, Sombra quickly levitated his Shadow Bomb and flung it skyward to stop it. The two bombs collided and bounced off one another, flying upwards and backwards as all eyes below looked on. Eventually the Shadow Bomb landed in the middle of Bowser’s army, and the Bob-OOM did the same in Sombra’s. A moment later the two bombs began ticking, much to the opposing rulers’ shock.

“Why’s your dumb bomb ticking?” Bowser asked. “You said it needed your stupid dark magic to activate!”

“And you said that yours needed to be lit,” Sombra said. “Not bumped against something heavy!”

“Maybe it’s a failsafe, in case it couldn’t be lit. What’s your excuse?”

“Only dark magic can set mine to go off. If sheer stupidity were a lesser form of that magic, then colliding with your personal abomination must have been enough to set it off.”

“Hey, the Bob-OOM is genius and you’re too jealous to admit it!”

“Does it matter? We’re about to be blown up by shoddy craftsmanship!”

“Hey, you’re right. The one who made the bomb, it’s their fault!”

“Only my dark magic is supposed to have an effect, no one else’s. This cutting of corners cannot be forgiven!”

“Yo, Mowzer!”

“Dedric!”

“You're Fired!”
“You're Fired!”

The two bombs went off, engulfing the two armies (and their bickering leaders) in a massive wave of fire and darkness that mixed into a tempestuous soup of lightning and agony. Down in the Mushroom Kingdom, the citizens briefly panicked over the sight and sound of the dual explosion on the horizon, but as the sky began to clear minutes later, they resumed their lives worry-free.

In short, just another day for the Mushroom Kingdom and, sadly, its villains.

So It Begins

Public Dispute

Upstart Villainy

Public Dispute

It's been one day after the extraordinary defeat on the border of the Mushroom Kingdom, and deep within the spacious throne room of his castle, Bowser nursed an ice pack against his thumping head.

“I can’t believe that happened...” he grumbled. Then looking over to his right-hand witch he asked, “What were the total losses again?”

“Given the force of the blast from the Bob-OOM, much of our outermost troops were simply scattered over a great distance,” Kammy reported. “But in all, more than three quarters of our forces were taken by the Shadow Bomb, your Wretchedness.”

Bowser growled as he pressed the ice pack harder against his skull. “All that planning, all of it wasted, all because of that copycat!” Bowser slammed a claw onto the armrest of the throne, causing the room to shudder. “Shows up outta nowhere, takes the old World 3 castle, steps in on my turf unannounced, and now he goes stealing my subjects. Just who the heck does he think he is, taking my things and bogarting my massive takeover? I’ve been doing this for decades!”

“That’s right, your Evilness,” Kammy said. “He may be slimmer, and has a more regal air to him, and his looks are so tops they make these old bones quiver, but he knows nothing about conquering the Mushroom Kingdom the way you do, King Bowser.”

“Darn tootin’. It still irks me to no end, plus the guy has extremely poor tastes. World 3 is a dump, but at least it’s far away from here. And with it being always being nighttime over there, I won't ever have to see him.”

“Always important to count your blessings, your Wickedness.”

“But enough griping.” Bowser stood from his throne and stomped forward, tossing away the ice pack. “Gotta recoup from that disaster and get back in tip-top evil form!” The Koopa King approached a wall which held a map of the Mushroom Kingdom and its outlying regions. Kammy waddled up to him as he moved.

“So what vile plan do you have in mind?” she asked eagerly.

“Simple: kidnap the princess!” Bowser slapped an open claw on the center of the map, where Peach’s castle stood. Kammy was speechless, but only for a moment.

“Um, your Viciousness? Wouldn’t you rather rally the troops for another go at the kingdom?”

“As much as I’d love to, Kammy, that idiot Sombra wiped out most of our troops, and it’s gonna take time to raise up enough to retry the invasion as smoothly as I had originally planned.” Bowser crossed his arms and made a cunning grin. “No, for now I have to clear my head of this debacle and focus on something that I know I can do, even in my sleep. Hop back on the saddle, get into a positive mindset. A quick kidnapping to get my groove back, then afterwards I’ll no doubt have something bigger planned.”

“Your thinking process remains dastardly as ever, your Cruelness.”

“Heheheheh, you know it.” The conversation was interrupted by the blaring of the Unwanted Arrivals horn.

“There is one who wishes to speak with you at the main gate!” announced the gate guard.

“Huh? Then why don’t you blast him like anyone else?” Bowser grumbled.

“I don’t think conventional weapons are going to work, sir. He took out some of the Bill Blasters on his way here, and they were a good hundred yards away.”

“Is that so? *sigh* Fine, I’ll take a look.”

Bowser stomped from the map over to the window that looked down onto the castle’s main entrance. Lo and behold, standing before the castle moat, was the copycat Sombra himself, sporting a head bandage along with his tacky clothes.

“For real!?” he snarled loudly under his breath, then raising his voice loud enough for the unicorn to hear, “You got some nerve coming here, horsey! What do you want?”

“I’ve come seeking compensation for ruining my invasion yesterday!” Sombra shouted back.

“Ruining your invasion?” Bowser balked. “Didn’t you hear what I said before? Mine was in the making for months. I should be the one getting compensation out of this!”

“Neither of us would be in this position if your idiotic bomb had worked properly.”

“Same to you, Seabiscuit. Hokey dark magic can never cut it. Just so you know, I punched a guy who used dark magic to create a massive black hole, and saved the whole universe in the process. My fists are divine instruments!” Bowser brought up both his shaking mitts for hyper emphasis.

“I hope you realize that your fat ego just makes your stupidity all the more glaring.” Sombra made a hoofstomp. “Now quit trying to change the subject and pay me what’s due! Further talking with you is making my headache worse. Which, by the way, was caused when one of your inept soldiers blindsided me in the explosion.”

“Don’t you mean one of ‘your’ soldiers? It’s easy to get them mixed up, on account of you stealing most of them.”

“Perhaps if you treated them better they wouldn’t have come begging to enlist, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not leaving this spot until you let me in so that we can negotiate proper. And don’t bother sending your pathetic guards on me, unless you want to have your kingdom ended here and now. If you thought the Shadow Bomb was catastrophic, wait until you see the full extent of my power!”

“Ugh, I don’t have time to deal with this!” Bowser turned from the window and stomped away, growling at Kammy with, “You handle him.”

“It’ll be my pleasure, King Bowser.” Kammy raised her jewel-tipped wand and waved it around. Down by the moat, Sombra impatiently tapped a hoof when the drawbridge into the castle started to lower. Once the drawbridge lay flat before him, Sombra gave a snort.

“Hmph. That’s more like it.” Sombra trotted onto the drawbridge with a raised chin and a lofty sense of self-entitlement. As he reached the halfway mark, Kammy made another wave of her wand. The drawbridge began shuddering, giving Sombra reason to halt and look around himself. “What is...?”

Without warning the drawbridge rose in the opposite direction with the speed of a springboard, launching a screaming Sombra into the sky, who became nothing more than a brief twinkle of light. Kammy cackled contentedly at the unicorn king’s exit.

“Kwee hee hee hee. So much more satisfying than with the vacuum salesmen.”

The sound of a rotor brought her attention to the return of Bowser, flying in on his signature Koopa Klown Kopter.

“Enough time’s been wasted; I’m off to kidnap the princess!”

“B-but your Sliminess, don’t you want to recover some more first?”

“Bah! Recovery is yesterday’s news. It’s a sunny afternoon and just the perfect weather for kidnapping. Time to get back in the game!”

Without another word, Bowser took off through the throne room window and out into the blue yonder, his course and hungry gaze set on the pristine kingdom that held his pretty-headed prize. A bit of a rocky start, but this would undoubtedly turn out to be a perfect day.

To the Castle!

Something of a Snag

Upstart Villainy

Something of a Hitch

The citizens of Toad Town strolled about their usual, complacent lives under the warm blanket of peace their kind and gentle ruler had bestowed upon them. However, unbeknownst to them, a menace floated high above their innocent heads, looking to destroy this peace. At his altitude, Bowser would evade notice from the townsfolk, allowing him to gloat over their ignorance.

“Just look at them with their dumb little caps. Must make it hard for them to look up at their impending doom, bwuhahahahaha.”

While the commoners would be easy to bypass, the watchful eyes of the approaching palace would be an entirely different story, especially in broad daylight. Luckily, Bowser had just the plan to handle them.

“Engage stealth mode.”

A hiss came from the Klown Kopter as white vapor shot out from its underside and billowed into a thickening mist, rendering it indiscernible from any other cloud... save for the lower propeller and the obnoxious whirring noise it made.

“Yes, works like a dream! Bwahaha, here I come, Peach.”

Bowser hovered within the perimeter of the castle grounds, with nary an alarm sounded. Without slowing down, the deviously slick koopa descended his Kopter down to the castle’s second floor. Employing all the stealthiness of a bulky, noisy cloud, Bowser edged up to the windows and did a slow sweep across them, keeping a close eye on what was inside. Servants, potted lilies, a guard sunbathing, mostly boring stuff passed his gaze. Upon reaching a sizable bay window, Bowser made his vehicle stop. Before him was a large tea room, and having tea was none other than the darling Princess Peach herself... and the meddlesome Mario Bros as well, including the green one. Sometimes Bowser worried for these two: along with endangering themselves to save her every other week, they waste most of their free time doing whatever she wants. A part of him wept for the decay of manly independence that was unfolding, but he intended to even things out.

“As unaware as ever, Peach. From here, I can swoop in, make a quick snatch, and be out of there before the dust clears. Heheheh, it’ll be so fast those lame-o Mario brothers won’t be able to stop me. I bet by the time they realize it, I’ll already be halfway to my cas—”

A loud crash from inside disrupted his thoughts, as well as the peaceful idleness of the princess and her escorts. Mario stood up quickly, followed by Luigi two seconds later, the two of them looking off in the direction of the noise. A toad ran into the room and started babbling something to the plumbers, but he barely got a sentence out before three royal guardsmen came flying and tumbling in from where the toad entered.

“What’s going on here?” Bowser muttered.

He looked on as the mustachioed bros banded together to defend the princess from whatever danger approached. A low rumbling like thunder filled the air as trails of inky shadow went along the surfaces of the room, and stepping into view with a calm, cruel stride was... Sombra!?

“What?!”

The armored stallion with the wicked red horn came to a stop a yard from the princess’ defenders, his eyes glowing green and purple malevolence. He looked blankly at the brothers a moment before letting out a sinister grin, while outside Bowser started fuming up more steam to complement his camouflage.

“That-That-That-That!”

Completely oblivious to the billowing cloud outside, Sombra gave a laugh so deep and threatening it could make children cry, and reduce men to crying children. The Marios raised their guard even more.

“Ah, my fair princess, so nice to finally make your acquaintance,” he spoke, venom practically dripping from his words. “I’ve heard rumors of your beauty and kind disposition, but looking at you I see now they did a grave injustice. My name is King Sombra, Ruler of Shadow. And today, I wish to discuss matters regarding the futures of our respective king—”

“Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait!”

The bay window to Sombra’s right exploded as something loud and rotary swooped through in a burst of smoke and debris. After a moment of coughing, the air dispersed when the massive scaly frame of Bowser dropped in with enough force to make the entire room and much of the castle quake. While the Mario brothers and the princess rocked about, Sombra retained his firm stance as he looked over at the disgruntled arrival that stood close to him. Bowser quickly took his own stance, pointing a hateful claw right at the tyrant unicorn’s face.

“Who do you think you are coming here!”

“A reasonable conqueror is what,” Sombra calmly replied. “Since a head-on assault proved far too costly, I felt that a more diplomatic approach was in order.”

“Oh No No No you don't!” Bowser screamed with enough hot breath to peel paint. “Taking one of my old castles was one thing. And so was mooching off my gold coin mines and hogging the primo spots for the company picnic, and messing up my invasion. But you never, ever, go trying to kidnap My Princess! She is off limits!”

“I dare say the lady should have a choice as to who her kidnapper should be, though given the lack of competition I can understand how you can develop the delusion of ownership.”

“I’ve been kidnapping this particular princess since day one of my reign; you can’t just bud in on chemistry this good! And how’d you get here so fast anyway?”

“I move like the shadows: quick and unnoticed. And that impromptu launcher of yours certainly cut down the travel time, degrading though it was.”

“Stop talking like some big shot already, you weaselly horse... guy!” Bowser stomped a foot before holding out his arms for a rumble. “You’ve been a pain enough as it is, so I’m giving you this one chance to leave before I pound you into mulch.”

Sombra brought up a hoof to feign covering a chuckle. “With arms as flabby as yours, I don’t even think you could manage a weak hook.”

“Why you—!”

A cough stopped their bickering, and the two villains looked over to see two rather impatient plumbers with arms crossed and holding over-sized hammers. A bead of sweat formed on the side of Bowser’s head.

“Oh right, you guys. Just a moment, heheh.” With a hateful glare to Sombra he said, “We’ll settle this later. I’ve already wasted enough of my precious abducting time.”

“Don’t you mean my abducting time?”

“Oh don’t you even—!”

A flying hammer bonked Bowser’s face mid-sentence, resulting in a “Nice!” onscreen as the blunt instrument flew back to Mario. The blue-overalled brothers then charged at the sinister aggressors, looking immensely eager to lay a pounding to the both of them. The koopa, drawing from years of experience, shrugged off the attack with only mild annoyance.

“Hey, I wasn’t ready yet! Grrrr!!”

Bowser belched out a stream of flame at the charging Italian, but Mario leapt over the fire and double-bounced on Bowser’s head. Bowser waved his claws wildly at the jumpy plumber, causing him to leap away and send the Koopa King in pursuit. Sombra watched this silly display for a moment, but then his attention turned to the taller, dopier of the brothers, who stood poised for battle in front of him.

“You’re kidding, right?” Sombra sighed. “If you insist.”

Luigi pulled back his arms to deliver a hard hammer blow, only to hit empty air as Sombra poofed behind him from the shadows.

“Over here.”

Luigi yelped and dropped his hammer, but hurriedly took it back up to give it another go. Instead of vanishing again, Sombra turned around and delivered an buck that knocked away Luigi’s hammer in mid-swing, evoking another startled yelp from him. Laughing viciously, Sombra flipped around once more to run a magic-enhanced headbutt into the plumber’s stomach, launching him clear across the room.

“Far too easy!” Sombra’s eyes flared extra green as he focused magic in his horn to create a pulsating dark energy sphere. “Now, Die!” He fired the ball at his target, but Luigi immediately sprung into the air, leaving the ball to blast the wall instead. Having lost sight of his quarry, Sombra looked around the room from side to side, then looked up in time to catch a pair of worker’s boots to the face. The dark horse reeled from the shoe prints embedded on his face, and after rubbing them off with a forehoof he glared at Luigi, now looking cocky from his success.

“Why you uncouth little!” Sombra let out a roar before charging at Luigi with fangs bared. In no time flat the Mario Bros had engaged in yet another time-honored rumble with the threats of the Mushroom Kingdom, both old and new. As they fought valiantly to keep the tyrants preoccupied, Princess Peach made the uncharacteristically proactive notion to flee to somewhere that wasn’t being reduced to a blast zone. Bowser was the first to notice her flight, despite having a short Italian guy grabbing his tail.

“Hey!” The koopa whipped his opponent aside, breaking into a sprint after the escaping princess. “You deal with them!” he yelled to Sombra, who at that moment noticed what was happening as well.

“Wait just one minute!” Sombra made to gallop after, but was hit by a flying tea table instead, Bowser laughing mischievously as he continued to sprint. Knocking away the bits of furniture, Sombra looked to find both Mario Bros facing him. After a moment of mixed disbelief and outrage, he planted his hooves and flared his nostrils. “Hmph, very well.”

On a set of spiral stairs leading upward, Princess Peach ascended as quickly as her pampered royal-heeled tootsies could carry her. But despite her dainty figure she reached the third floor in little time, entering the recently designated “safe room”, which was really just the round observatory at the top of the castle. She caught her breath and began to relax, but became rigid the instant something heavy crashed nearby. A gasp left her lips as she turned to face the burly, mean green monstrosity before her.

“Bowser!” she gasped, as the studly hunk of scales let out a villainous chortle.

“Bwuhahahaha, you thought you could escape me that easily? Not a chance! I know you all too well, my little Peach. And what I also know is that yet again I will be taking you home as my Yaaaaaargh!” Bowser grabbed his head and gritted his teeth, biting back some intense pain as Peach looked on with newfound concern.

“A-are you alright?”

Bowser rubbed his head and straightened himself up. “Yeah, just a migraine. That Dum-bra coming here trying to make a mess of things has really put on the stress today.”

“Oh, well, maybe it would be better if you came back after—”

“No no, it’s fine. I’ll just cut the evil speech short this time.” Bowser cleared his throat, cracked his neck, then entered a menacing pose. “Now, my precious little captive, if you’ll just come over here it’ll make things real easy for—” Before he could finish, the observatory began rumbling violently and causing him to stumble about unbalanced. “What Now!?”

The answer came readily enough when the observatory roof exploded downward, filling the room with dust and making the rest of the castle shudder. One floor below, Sombra stopped his telekinetic sword fight with Mario as everything shook around him.

“What’s this now?”

In the observatory, Peach and Bowser were sharing a coughing fit from the cloud of building material that was everywhere, which abruptly dispersed as the roar of a high-tech engine filled their ears. From where the ceiling had been, a large craft hovered over the center of the room, gleaming yellow in the sunlight.

“Are, are you freakin’ serious!?” In reply to Bowser’s question, an obnoxious laugh came from the ship’s glass bubble cockpit, which was occupied by an odd purple creature in military uniform.

“Fools!” it screeched in an equally obnoxious voice. “Kneel down before the greatest conqueror this planet has ever known, for it is none other than I, the Great Tatanga!”

To Be Continued...

Skyward Jerks

Upstart Villainy

Skyward Jerks

Princess Peach was at a total loss. Not only had the vile and ever-persistent Bowser come to crash yet another of her tea parties, there was now an invader in a frightful flying machine who undoubtedly wanted to create more chaos for her beloved kingdom. The princess shivered for her safety, but Bowser stood firm and unfazed by the newcomer and his fancy vessel. More than anything, he felt more irate than before.

“Tatanga?” he asked, to which he got another obnoxious laugh in response.

“That is right!” said the little purple man within the ship. “See how I am instantly recognized? No doubt my reputation as a merciless dictator precedes me by the very width of star systems!”

“Uh, we know you because you just said it a second ago.”

“Tremble at my Greatness!” Tatanga yelled on, ignoring Bowser completely. “The shadow of destruction that befell the realm of Sarasaland graces you with his presence, so show your utmost respect and worship if you value your lives!”

“Sara-salsaland?” Bowser’s eyes widened. “Oh yeah, I remember! Mario went running off to someplace called that when it got invaded or something. It made a pretty relaxing vacation that year.” Bowser grinned open-mouthed at the memory, but got serious as he looked up to the space ship. “So you’re that guy, huh? Talk about weird: All that stuff happened years ago.”

“Yes, my absence from your world was no doubt unbearably felt given the period of time, but it was time spent readying my glorious return. Oh the looks of fear and awe as I swoop down over the dwellings of so many potential slaves, my vessel blocking out their precious sunlight. It excites me to think that my very visage shall replace their definition of terror!”

“I very much doubt it, bub,” Bowser deadpanned. “That Sarsaparilla thing is way old news. And from what I remember, you went down pretty easily.”

“Lies! Misinformation and slander!” Tatanga pounded on the cockpit’s console. “It was a tactical retreat that happened. Too many unknown variables that got in the way of my planetary conquest. Specifically, this world’s implementation of primitive single-engine aircraft. I mean, honestly, who could have seen that coming? My advanced weaponry wasn’t adjusted to deal with something so antiquated and inferior. Blindsided was what I was that day!”

“Sure, that’s ‘precisely’ what happened...”

“PRECISELY!” Tatanga bounced in his chair with glee, utterly obvious to Bowser's finger quotes. “But now that I have taken all factors into consideration, I am ready to give this planet the master it deserves through an iron, fiery fist of tyranny and destruction.”

“What? Oh, no no no no.” Bowser put a claw to his temple while shaking his head. “Look, Tang, Tango—”

“Tatanga!”

“Whatever. Listen, I already have some other guy trying to horn in on my evil conquest matters. Do you really have to do this today? And more importantly, do you have to do it here?”

“But of course it has to be here! The biggest mistake last time was invading Sarasaland first. It’s much too small a kingdom, unfit for an immediate conquering. Therefore, I’ve decided to go after the much larger, more reputable Mushroom Kingdom. Its downfall will lead to the fall of every other kingdom like so many simple-minded dominoes. And such glorious victory shall begin with the simple yet important act of:”

A mechanical arm and claw shot from one of the ship’s side cannons and grabbed Peach, reeling her back and into his clutches as he shouted, “Capturing this kingdom’s ruler! Kehehehehehe!”

Peach was dumped into Tatanga’s cockpit, tied up neatly with rope. With captive onboard, the ship began rising up out of the observatory. Bowser stood flabbergasted at the space tyrant’s ploy, which quickly turned to rage as he looked to the fleeing ship.

“Hey you spacewad, that’s My princess!”

The ship zoomed upward and blasted off into the sky, Peach screaming an obligatory “MARIOOOOO!!!” while Bowser watched with gritted teeth and clenched claws. At that moment, Sombra galloped into the room and looked to the hole in the roof.

“What happened here—” He was cut off by a quivering claw pointed right at his snout.

“This is your fault!” Bowser growled. “Peach would’ve been safely locked up in my castle right about now, but you had to show up and step all over my toes. Now she gets snatched by someone who’s almost as big a nobody as you!”

“If you were as capable as you claim to be, then you could have made off with the princess in the minutes between your departure and what I presume to be the arrival of this third abductor.”

“Shut your stupid wordy horse mouth! This mess of a day has gone on too long; I’m settling things right now!” Bowser brought his claws to his mouth and blew out a piercing whistle. A whirring filled the room as the Klown Kopter broke through a wall and hovered past the two villains. Bowser jumped into the passing copter, leaving Sombra in the dust as he sped off in pursuit of Tatanga. “Adios, Slob-ra!”

In the skies above the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser soared through the clouds to fitting aerial chase music in his trusty craft, catching a glint of the alien’s ship not too far off. He scowled in the ship’s direction, but then noticed something amiss and looked to the side. Rising up from below there appeared Sombra riding atop a piece of roofing surrounded in a field of sparkly dark magic, looking as though he were making a historic river crossing.

When the dark unicorn was within earshot, Bowser yelled, “What the heck are you doing?”

“Going to recapture the princess,” Sombra replied, mane whipping about gloriously. “I was the first one to go after her, and it should be I who gets her.”

“I told you she’s mine!” Bowser spat out a fireball into Sombra’s platform, blowing it to pieces and dropping the unicorn into open sky. The Koopa King chortled and went back to chasing Tatanga, who was only fifty yards away. In seconds, Bowser closed the distance and kept pace with the space ship.

“Okay short stuff, the jig is up. Give back the princess!”

Looking back and seeing the overgrown turtle in the silly aircraft, Tatanga gave a startled jump. “How is this possible!? My ship is the fastest private vessel in the galaxy!”

“I’m gonna give you the count of three to let Peach go and take your sorry butt back into space or I’m crushing your clunky toy like a tin can. One!...Oh son of a—!”

Rising up to join the two came Sombra once more, now standing atop a blank-eyed hill that had been roughly torn at the base.

“Why don’t you stay down!” Bowser yelled.

“There are no bounds to what I can accomplish with my dark magic, and certainly no setbacks,” Sombra boasted.

“You look ridiculous!”

“At least I’m not riding a flying teacup!”

“Silence, you pests!” Tatanga shouted as he turned his ship around to face the two. “Flea-brained earthlings like yourselves should stay on the ground where they belong!” The alien overlord pushed a button on his console, and from the cannons on his ship two sets of triple energy balls shot out. Bowser and Sombra rose and dived respectively to avoid the shots, then returned to their original spots, sharing looks of added determination and irritation.

“How dare he interrupt our conversation,” Sombra said, just as Bowser pulled ahead of him slightly.

“Like it even matters. I’m still gonna trounce him!”

“Will the two of you just shut up!” Tatanga fired off more triple shots, forcing the pursuing tyrants to fly about to avoid taking hits. Bowser fired up and spat out successive fireballs at Tatanga’s ship, leaving singe marks on the cockpit and sides. Tatanga kept firing while slowly moving up and down in a lazy approach to alternating his attack pattern, launching out bulbous mines that exploded into dispersal shots after a few seconds. Sombra and Bowser kept dodging while keeping pace, with Bowser still laying down literal fire. Atop his flying hill, Sombra charged dark energy into his horn and fired a piercing beam of darkness at the spacecraft, scoring a direct hit on the rear fins. Within the cockpit, Tatanga bounced about with frustration and fury.

“Dieee!” Pushing yet another button, the alien launched a slew of missiles from his ship, all of them honed on Sombra. The equestrian magician bobbed and weaved his hill through as much of the barrage as he could, but the sheer numbers were too much and his hill was quickly hit, destroying it and sending him plummeting back to earth yet again. As Tatanga cackled victoriously, Bowser in his copter pulled up directly overhead.

“Now’s my chance!” With a bold leap, he threw himself from the copter and fell squarely onto the glass shell of the cockpit, his claws digging into metal as Tatanga cried in surprise.

“W-what are you doing out there!? Get off my ship, you wretched reptile!”

“Not until I get that princess!” Bowser began pounding and scratching the glass, making cracks. Tatanga shuddered both in panic and outrage over the damage being done to his ship in such a brutish manner.

“I’m warning you, there’s an electrical defense grid that can emit a ten thousand volt charge. Either let go or I’ll have you fried like bacon on the sun!”

“Not a chance!” Bowser continued to pound away at the glass.

“Fine! You can join your friend in the afterlife!” Tatanga pressed a large red button, and instantly a warning klaxon went off as the cockpit filled with red light.

*SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED. FIFTEEN SECONDS UNTIL SHIP DETONATION*

“Wait, self-destruct?” Bowser asked. “Why the heck did you do that!?”

“Self-destruct? No that can’t be; this is the button for the electrical grid... No wait... Wasn’t it this...?” Tatanga gripped his head as he bared his teeth in panic. “Why do they all look so similar!? Curse my engineers to the coldest black hole imaginable! Curse Them All!”

As the self-destruct counted down, Bowser took on a rather pouty face. “This really hasn’t been my day...”

A blink and the gleaming spaceship became a spectacular fireball of smoke and charred metal in a resounding blast. From the aerial inferno, Bowser tumbled at high speed straight toward the ground, and after about a minute of freefall he hit terra firma with the force of a wrecking ball. As the dirt settled, Bowser groaned and struggled to pull the upper half of his body out of the ground. With an undignified pop he freed himself and fell on his back. From his position he could see he was in a barren section of the Mushroom Kingdom near some mountains. He ached immensely, and felt another migraine coming on, but at the very least it was quiet.

“...Well, not the worst place I’ve found myself after an explosion.”

He took in the calm for a while, until a familiar whirring reached his ears. Tilting his head slightly, he saw his Klown Kopter floating slowly down toward him, completely intact and with... Oh no. He must be suffering from a severe concussion. There was no way that he was seeing Lame-bra riding his copter.

“Napping, I see. Understandable: all this running around can be all too tiring for a simple sluggish turtle such as yourself.”

The hallucination was talking to him, so chances were very high that it was in fact real, and was indeed riding in his vehicle.

“You...” Bowser said in a low, heavy tone as he slowly got to his feet. “What are you doing riding my copter?”

“Well, I saw that it was abandoned and decided to procure it rather than let it break to pieces down here,” Sombra said smugly. “I must say, despite the terrible appearance, this is a rather fine flying machine. Handles well, gets good speed, relatively compact and yet surprisingly spacious. Plenty of room for multiple passengers, especially delicate ones.”

With that, a familiar pretty head of blonde hair wearing a crown popped up, and at that moment every ache in Bowser’s body vanished, save the impending migraine that had become full-on. Utilizing the pain in his head to focus, the koopa stood erect and justly enraged.

“You dirty... What did I tell you about Her!”

“I couldn’t very well leave her to plummet several thousand feet to a messy demise; she’s nowhere near as thick as you to have survived otherwise. Besides, given how much you value her, I believe this will make for adequate compensation for yesterday.”

“Let me go, you cad!” Peach was promptly stuffed back into the recesses of the copter.

“It’s Sombra, my dear, and that will be enough out of you for now.”

Bowser stomped a foot. “Compensation nothing! You give her to me this instant or I’ll ripped off that pretty-boy mane and Ram It Down Your Throat!”

“Oh my, you’re quite serious aren’t you?” Sombra said with a hoof raised to his mouth. “I get the message. Give me a moment and she’ll be right out.”

“Good!” Bowser watched as Sombra ducked back into the copter, then crossed his arms with a smug grin. “Hrmf, finally some respect.” Immediately after saying that, a large metal ball crushed him with barely a sound. Up above, Sombra looked down with a snicker.

“Ah yes. Much roomier without all that clutter.”

Sombra took the copter up and flew off to more verdant plains in the distance. Once the whirring had dissipated, the metal ball started shifting, slightly at first, then more rapidly. In one deep-chested yell, the ball flew straight up from a grossly powerful lift, soaring out of sight at semi-sonic speeds. Bowser stood seething with eyes practically burning with fury, the earth around him pulsating from raw emotion. On the one hand his migraine had vanished, but had been replaced by something far less pleasant.

“I swear... I swear, you conniving horse. I Will Have My Revenge!”

The koopa roared his declaration to the heavens, to be heard by all living things in a twenty mile radius. If he were a Demigod, the sheer power of his outcry would have set the air aflame and obliterated entire fleets of starships in low orbit, but luckily for all of us he didn’t have that kind of power. Just uncontrollable anger and a newfound cause for righteous violence. It was going to be a messy evening.

A hundred miles away, deep within the mountain range of Mt. Rugged, Tatanga crawled out from a smoking escape pod and brushed himself off.

“How disgraceful, to lose to yet another inhabitant of this lowly planet,” he bemoaned, getting to his feet. “Well I’m finished playing games. It’s time I showed these animals the sheer ferocity of my empire!”

Tatanga pulled out a communicator and strode a ways from a pod to look at the orange-tinted sky. “First of all, I’ll have my engineers fired into the nearest sun. Afterwards, I’ll send the armada to raze the planet. Not even bacteria will be left when I’m through. It shall be written on this dirt ball’s tombstone that the Great and Mighty Tatanga was the one to finally end its miserable tenure of existence, adding it as yet another addition to the list of those to fall before My Unbeatable W—”

That’s when a giant metal ball crushed him.

To Be Settled...

Seriously, She's Mine

Upstart Villainy

Seriously, She’s Mine

Night had just fallen across the land. Or had it fallen several hours ago? Honestly, it was hard to tell when night really began in World 3, since it’s night all the time. These were the peeved thoughts that filled Bowser’s mind during his trek across the mostly-forgotten landscape from a simpler time, when he first started out and there was only mushrooms and fire flowers to worry about. The journey also showed how out of shape he had gotten as of recent.

Having hopped over pits, hurdled blocky stairs, and navigated pulley platforms—all while in the dark mind you—the extra large koopa was huffing and sweating up a storm. Yet he continued onward, fueled by one single narrow-minded goal: Vengeance... and also taking back Peach. Totally can’t forget that part, no matter how exhausted or peeved. Still, the thought of stomping that interfering princess-swiping Sombra was what kept him going with a smile in between his heavy breaths.

Towards the end of Sector 3-3, Bowser caught his second wind.

“Finally, the end at last. Both for this level, and for Sombra! Bwuhuhuhuhuh, hack kwuff!” He bent over to catch a breath. “Darn it, how did Mario manage all this? I swear, I’m turning that horse into glue for taking the Klown Kopter. Donate him to the Toads to use on all their wimpy arts and crafts. It’ll be so hilarious.” Bowser stomped further along, regaining his strength over the promise of poetic revenge, as the last obstacle came into view.

“Alright, just gotta hop over some hills, grab the flag pole and I’m... What, The?”

Before him, like some hideous sore thumb, stood a massive spiral staircase of carved crystal that rose twenty stories by the wall of a cliff. Bowser knew his destination was at the top of that tall cliff, but he stood slack-jawed at the monolith of stairs.

“W... Where did this come from!? What happened to the hills? The floating platforms? He completely ruined the place!” Looking closely at the many steps and envisioning what they entail, the koopa king shivered. “So many stairs... He truly is a monster...” Remembering his mission, Bowser shook his head back into focus and glared at the staircase with clenched fists. “Like a heck ton of stairs are gonna stop me now! You just made your day a whole lot worse, Dum-bra! Here I Come!”

Bowser charged the stairs and climbed upward, upward to the source of all his pain, humiliation and wrath.

Not too far away, within the confines of a cold and dark throne room, Sombra tended to his dainty captive in a most diabolical fashion.

“So as you can see, princess, given that your subjects already bend themselves to you willingly—much like slaves—it would make for a relatively painless transition.”

“While you do make some valid and eye-opening points, Mr. Sombra,” Peach acknowledged from her swinging cage. “I still refuse to betray my people’s trust by giving my kingdom to you. The sun is much too valuable to them!”

“Give it time, my dear. You’ll come to see the light, or rather, the glorious absence of it. Mwuhahahaha.”

At that moment, a koopa troopa with a dark-painted shell, black cloak and mascara walked up to Sombra looking as solemnly sinister as possible but failing miserably since, you know, koopa troopa and all.

“Master, we have a pudgy guest on the Stairs of Malice,” he said to his vile liege.

“Ah yes, as to be expected.” Sombra got up from his sitting position and slowly trotted with heavy hooffalls, looking to the crystal viewing screen he had installed just a week ago. Watching his ornery rival climb his prized spiral stairs, he turned to his servant and said, “Orick, activate the outer defenses.”

Bowser’s chest was on the verge of exploding, but still he climbed valiantly... not without constant panting, mind you. He decided a quick breather at the quarter mark would be fine and stopped to do so, planting a claw on the column to stay balanced.

“Not... fair...” Wheezed for a bit. “Would’ve toppled these stairs... if I didn’t have to do the whole stage... beforeha— GAH!” A brightly-colored red fish with yellow fins and large white eyes slapped Bowser in the face as several more came flying by.

“Cheep-cheeps? You’re supposed to be in the last world!” The barrage of flying fishies didn’t relent, and while waving his thick arms about in a hopeless act of defense from the flying hoard, Bowser ran headlong up the staircase, forgetting his fatigue. Storey after storey and the glubbing kamikazes kept coming, hitting just about every square inch of the lumbering koopa.

“No stop it Blugh no Blegh cut it out Aie I’m serious Oww Doh Nooo!”

After much yelling and complaining, Bowser found himself blindly running off the top of the staircase and down several yards before flopping on brick grounding once again, bringing an end to the cheep-cheep attack. Lifting himself up and spitting out the fish scales in his mouth, he looked up and beheld a circular fortress of brick: four storeys tall, with openings that gave it the impression of eyes and a green flagpole and torches out front. The castle of World 3 stood before him, pristine. Its very condition left Bowser speechless for a moment.

“Wow, he’s really fixed up the place. It looks just like in the old days...” The wave of nostalgia passed quickly, and Bowser pumped himself back into vengeful focus. “Doesn’t matter; I’m still gonna tear this place apart, and Dum-bra’s face is gonna be the wrecking ball, huhuhuh.” Looking at the castle entrance, he was briefly disheartened at the sight of a thick steel gate over a once-open entryway. But only briefly.

“Very clever, but metal can’t keep me out for long!” He turned to the side in thought. “It would still take awhile. Maybe there’s a faster approach...” He turned back around, and an (!) appeared over his head. “That’s it! He wouldn’t expect that at all!” Running forward, Bowser grabbed the flagpole and swung it around into an impromptu pole vault. “Get ready to suck it, gate!”

In mid-sprint, Bowser stuck the flagpole into the ground and began to lift up, but halfway through the motion a sharp crack split the pole and sent him flailing into the metal gate with extra bumbling force, busting a hole right through it. After a hard roll down a hall and some stairs he came to a stop, mildly dazed but unscratched. Hopping back onto his feet, he looked around at the bits of gate lying around him and chuckled deeply.

“No match for the all-beefy Bowser!”

“‘Beefy’ is one way of looking at it.”

Bowser jumped at the other voice, but then growled upon recognizing it. “You! Are you in the walls or something?”

“My control over the shadows allows my very essence to seep into every dark recess of this castle. I am everywhere at all times; there is no escape from my influence.”

“Blah blah blah blah. Just materialize in front of me already, and preferably with the princess as well to save myself the trip.”

“Now what fun would that be? You made it past the initial defenses, and it would be so disappointing if things were to end right after you stumbled into my castle.”

“My former castle. And real funny siccing a swarm of cheep-cheeps on me instead of something actually, I dunno, threatening. And stairs? Honestly? That’s not any kind of defense at all!”

“They seemed rather formidable from what I saw. Getting a bit winded in our old age, are we? Hahahaha.”

“Bwuh!? You saw that!? Grrrrr!” Bowser stomped a foot several times. “Just laugh it up, chuckles, cuz once I get through here you’ll be laughing without any teeth!”

“Ohhhhh, such a dreadful fate indeed~. Mwahahaha! I dare you to come and honor those words, you overweight dinosaur.”

“Gladly, Secretariat!”

With a huff, Bowser stomped forward to begin Sector 3-4 proper. After a few steps, he came upon a series of pits spewing up fireballs with platforms that spun rings of flame.

“Looks like he’s kept the lava in working order as well. Welp, off to it.” He stepped to the edge of the first pit, waited for a fireball to fall back into the lava, then hopped across. He hopped to the next platform, waited for the spinning fire to go down, then made two more hops back to safe ground.

“Piece of cake!” Stomping down some stairs, he came upon three blocks hanging in mid-air before another lava pit. “Oh come on, you kept those blocks exactly the same? Laaazy!” He jumped and bopped the blocks into broken chunks. “That’s what I think of your rehash level design! Heheh.”

Hopping over the lava pit and jumping onto an elevated platform, Bowser saw two more platforms surrounded by lava with fire rotators, all looking exactly as he remembered them from so many years ago.

“No change-up whatsoever? You try to sound intimidating, but this is just sad.” That comment aside, Bowser went to hopping over the platforms. Upon landing on the second one, a stream of fire struck him, only to glance off his shell without leaving a singe. “Ha! And still just as weak!” He proceeded to jump at a leisurely pace, uncaring of the fire streams that spun around. After hopping over a hole in the ground, Bowser stomped forward with a hardened look.

“Okay, Lame-bra. Got past my old, outdated traps, and now I’m coming straight for you sorry behind with a one-way punt to Pain Town, baby. Wait, what’s that?”

Much to Bowser’s surprise, there stood a stone wall in the middle of the corridor, with an ornate and rather old-looking wooden door built into it and adorned with a black crystal on top. The koopa was rather bemused by this, but as with any other emotion besides anger, it was only brief.

“A door? Just a door?” He laughed. “Gotta hand it to ya for making a wall, but you kinda defeat the purpose by installing a flimsy wooden door.” He stomped to the door and grabbed the handle, looking to rip the whole thing off with one claw. But to his surprise, the door opened without resistance. “Huh? It’s not even locked! What sort of boneheaded... uhhhhh...” Bowser stood still, fixated entirely on something behind the door as his eyes flickered green.

About ten yards away on the other side of the wall, Sombra sat on his haunches and laughed with evil mirth at the viewscreen above him. “Have fun being a prisoner to your own mind.” With a mental flick the viewscreen vanished, and getting up, Sombra trotted slowly across the room. “Now to deliver the finishing blow to that poor excuse of a rival. Or should I just leave him there? The enchantment is supposed to last indefinitely, so I could just let him rot for a while. Maybe send some rats to nibble his tail off as he stands there. His scales might be too thick though. Ah! I’ll use the chain-chomps instead. The servants just had their teeth filed, and what better way to break th—”

Sombra’s outspoken musings ceased as abruptly as the wall exploding right in front of him. The blast caused him to slide back and trip a bit on his hooves, and upon stopping he looked to see Bowser standing with arms held high in the jagged hole that had appeared.

“Oh Yeeeeeah!” The koopa pointed at Sombra. “The King is In!”

“H-how?!” was Sombra’s immediate reply. “You were supposed to be paralyzed by your greatest fear!”

Bowser laughed spitefully. “Joke’s on you, bub: I’m afraid of nothing!”

‘It can’t be!’ Sombra screamed in his head. ‘Is he really that stupid?!’

The malevolent unicorn visibly shook at the implications of Bowser’s immunity to the Fear Door, but he got hold of himself and stood tall. “Well, congratulations are in order: you’ve finally proven yourself worthy enough to be considered a threat.”

“It ends here and now!” Bowser proclaimed as he clenched his fists. “No more tricks or general horseplay! Just old fashion bare-knuckle brawling until last man standing!”

“Because fighting is your only means of resolving any sort of intellectual disagreement.”

“Darn right it is! Between evil kings, words are meaningless; any and all important matters are truly resolved through fists! And since you don’t have fists, then I’m the clear winner!”

Sombra shook his head. “I earnestly tried to avoid such pointless hoofticuffs, but now I realize this was bound to happen. You shall now bear witness to the full offensive range of the Shadow!”

“In case you already forgot, your shadows and magic do squat to me. Heck, not even a shadow me could do anything. Especially before the light of my Fire!”

Bowser reared back and roared out a ferocious stream of flame at the caped stallion. Sombra, however, ducked into his own shadow away from the fire, and a moment later dropped from the ceiling above to shoot a bolt of black lightning downward. Bowser rolled forward to avoid the attack, and instantly turned his aim upward to fire a string of fireballs. Some fancy aerial dodges brought Sombra back to the ground untouched, and with a silent chant he conjured two bleak orbs which he launched toward Bowser. Bowser ducked into his shell as the orbs hit, creating a cloud of crackling darkness. From the cloud, the koopa leapt to the airspace over Sombra and flipped into a ground-pound. With a great thud his rump slammed the ground, but he sprang up with a yelp as a prickly black crystal stalagmite shot up underneath.

Bowser rubbed his backside as Sombra arose a few yards away, poorly stifling a snicker at the koopa’s expense.

“You move quick for a guy wearing armor,” Bowser said. “But I’d like to see you dodge this!” Reaching into undisclosed personal storage spaces, Bowser pulled out two fistfuls of small black hammers. “Time to go old school!”

Bowser spun his arms wildly, unleashing a hail of miniature hammers in every arc imaginable. Sombra cantered and sidestepped from the chaotically-tossed tools, and after a few moments of dancing about in this perilous hail, a stream of hammers came right at him. He quickly brought up a dark portal for the hammers to enter, only to exit out from Bowser’s own shadow, clobbering his backside and knocking him onto his front. Not missing the rhythm, Bowser pushed himself back up onto his feet, but a whistle from Sombra made him stop.

“Nice bit of variety there. But I believe this fight has reached its... cutting edge,” Sombra said.

A ways from Bowser, the dark horse stood in front of a very familiar glowy upright axe. Panic overtook Bowser as he realized that they had been fighting on a steel suspension bridge that so happened to be above a large lava pit. He wondered: how hadn’t he not noticed, since it was, like everything else in this place, The Same Old Set-Up.

“Oh you can’t be serious!” Bowser shouted through a stream of nervous sweat. Sombra whistled nonchalantly as he lifted a rear hoof, tipping over the shiny axe. Instantly the bridge collapsed away, leaving Bowser to hang in empty air before dropping and yelling into the fiery depths below. When all was silent, Sombra alone stood, victorious.

“Good riddance.” He turned from the pit and back to the main chamber. “With that out of the way, princess, I would like to continue our ch—”

A fist flew in and smashed the side of Sombra’s mouth with an accompanied cry of “Surprise!” that broke off one of his fangs and sent him sprawling into the throne room. Getting up and steadying himself on his hooves, Sombra looked with a grimace up at Bowser, looking obnoxious with a toothy smile and a balled up fist, the same one that had knocked Sombra’s block.

Y... You...” Sombra said with his most deep-rooted hatred.

“I let Mario get by easy with that trick, but I’m not giving a copycat hack such as you the same privilege,” Bowser said. Sombra’s vision began to blur as his eyes radiated a deeper shade of red and green and the purple mist that rose from them became fire. The ceiling and floor shook and crumbled, dark crystals began sprouting around the place, and the ol’ war horse looked none too happy.

“I... Have Had Enough... Of Your Absurd Stupidity!”

“Final phase, eh? Bwa ha ha! Show me what you got!”

Sombra let out an animalistic cry before firing a beam of concentrated shadow from his horn. Bowser leapt down, avoiding the beam and the crater it left behind. With another hateful cry, Sombra magically ripped off some of the newly-formed crystals and shot them in an attempt to skewer the troublesome turtle, but Bowser’s thick shell made them as ineffective as toothpicks. Sombra roared and reared back on his hindlegs to slam his forelimbs onto the ground, causing the section of floor that Bowser was on to shoot up into the ceiling. Sombra’s gaze darted about the room, seeing if his foe was anywhere other than as gooey mess on the ceiling, but then the burly brawler landed atop his back. With a flare up of surprise mixed with rage, Sombra bucked about the room while Bowser held on tight.

“Yee-Haw, horsey! I haven’t done this kind of thing in forever! Bwahahahaha!”

Bowser rode the bucking bronco despot with the biggest grin imaginable while Sombra screeched incomprehensible curses and protests. His face flared red from both anger and humiliation as he destroyed more of the room with his unbridled magic in a desperate bid to get the rider off.

“Alright, that’s enough from you!” Bowser cried as he wrapped both his arms around Sombra’s waist. “Big Bowser Koopa Deluxe Super-Plex!”

Pulling Sombra up enough to allow his feet back on the ground, Bowser bent backwards by an insane angle to drive the unicorn into the ground with the force of a lunar collision. The raw impact sent cracks just about everywhere in the room and created a tremor that shook a good portion of World 3, even causing the large crystal staircase outside to shatter from the intense frequency of the resulting shockwave. The rampant aura of magic that had surrounded Sombra ceased as his eyes went blank, and after a few moments, Bowser released his hold and stood straight up. Sombra remained planted in the ground, upside-down, held in place by his horn and a pain that could be seen from orbit, while Bowser took a deep breath and looked to the captive Princess Peach in her cage. His vengeance achieved, Bowser pulled back an arm, then pumped it up in victory.

“HYeaheheheheh! The better bad guy remains, Dum-bra! You: zero. Me: one princess! No alternative, no substitution, Bowser all the way! Koopa King reigns supreme once again! Ain’t nobody gonna stop this hunk of awesome! You hear me world? There’s nothing you can throw at me that I can’t over—”

Just then, two mustachioed plumbers with hammers jumped into the room.

“Mario! Luigi!” Peach cried with glee, just as Bowser’s shoulders and spirit sagged.

“So unfair...” he whimpered with a quivering lip.

Without asking questions the Mario Bros. rushed into the room and put a beatdown on Bowser offscreen, and after considerable violence they ran back the way they came, with princess in tow, to begin a walking end credits montage. As the upbeat music died away, all that remained was Bowser, badly beaten and lying on the floor, and Sombra, who finally tipped over onto his side to lie just as prone as his rival. A pained silence of shame and defeat hung in the air for the longest time.

“...I really hate you right now,” Sombra said in a tired tone.

“Same here,” Bowser replied weakly. “Blow up my army, crash my kidnapping, mooch my princess while I’m fighting a space dweeb, stairs, and in the end I get beat up by my eternal nemesis and his sissy brother.”

“You led them here. They never bothered me once since I moved in.”

“They came for the princess, genius. No matter what or who, they’ll seek her out like mustachioed bloodhounds. This is coming from years and years of beatings and castle wreckings.”

“You don’t say...” Sombra huffed and became silent again.

“...Y’know, you could have used the World 6 castle,” Bowser spoke up. “It’s always night there too, but the surrounding land’s more treacherous, and the castle has lots of fire spinners that would’ve slowed them down.”

“Is that so? That certainly would have been useful.”

"Yeah."

Another length of silence between the two.

“Soooo, what’s it been? A couple of months since you came here?” Bowser asked, lifting his head. “Figured you would’ve moved to someplace better than this dump.”

“Just decided to settle in the first place that suited me,” Sombra admitted, rolling onto his other side. “Been so busy making my presence known, I haven’t had time to think of relocation. Not easy with your fat self standing in the way.”

“Fat doesn’t break through steel, so you know. And this has been my turf for a very long time, newbie.” A thought occurred to Bowser. “Come to think of it, you’ve changed quite a bit.”

“Hmm?”

“I remember the first time bumping into ya. I was marching out a platoon for training when you walked by, mumbling about ‘crystals’ and ‘slaves’ with a slur, looking confused like some drunk.”

“Yes.” Sombra sighed. “I’d imagine I must’ve appeared that way.”

“You also fired some spell into one of my troopas and taking out a column of goombas before running off. Got a 1-up for it, but no way to make a great first impression, y’know.”

“I was startled more than anything. Seeing talking turtles and walking mushrooms, I thought my mind had given into complete insanity from being in this strange, colorful land. That attack was, I’m ashamed to admit, me giving in to panic.”

“Heh, I know that’s supposed to be pathetic, but I can’t help feeling complimented.” Bowser moved his arms together to rest his chin on them. “What’s the deal with you, anyway? Where’d you come from exactly?”

Sombra became silent as he rolled back over. “For the longest time, I was nothing but a shadow. A thousand years to be exact. Punishment for oppressing others of my kind, who were more vibrantly colored and so sickeningly peaceful and kind. So much hatred and contempt I had for them, and I had so much evil to spread around. Enslaving them, making them suffer, planting seeds of misery that blossomed into crippling fear. It was wonderful.” Sombra paused to flick a hoof. “Then I was stripped of my physical form and left to stew in the frozen wastes. A millennium of shifting around, waiting for my return to prominence. When the opportunity came at last, I was expelled in an instant by pure, concentrated... love.”

“Wow, that’s rough. Especially from something uber lame like that.”

“I had my body back for less than a minute before I was blown apart, only instead of returning to shadow I ended up here.” Sombra looked up at the ceiling wistfully. “So vibrant and peaceful like where I had been, but not as nauseatingly sweet. I could sense genuine fear, greed, corruption. Born from the hearts of those that lived here, rather than perpetuated from a sole individual. I still felt the desire for evil, but it wasn’t as intense. I could think more clearly, take the time to properly recuperate from my imprisonment, and become whole.” Sombra took a deep breath and smiled. “Since coming here, I’ve been a bit more relaxed, and not as spiteful. Perhaps it’s because I’m so far from any living paradigms of utmost tolerance and kindness. A new beginning, a fresh start, to be evil where evil can be accepted, rather than extinguished indiscriminately. A realm of endless, villainous potential...”

Sombra looked over to Bowser from where he lay. “Sorry to bore you with my ramblings. The fact that I can barely feel my limbs, and likely suffering a concussion, tends to make me overly reflective.”

“Guess I overdid it a little, but I’m not someone who holds back. Just not my style.”

“This marks the second time I’ve been defeated by a dragon, or something similar to one. Despite the pain and humiliation, this has been the more respectable finish of the two.”

“Glad you’re impressed, bub.” Bowser pushed himself up onto his feet and began to stomp away. “I think you learned your lesson, so I’ll just let you rest up and show myself out. It’s gonna be a long walk back home.”

“Hey.” Bowser halted at Sombra’s call, who then resumed with, “Your flying teacup is parked on the second floor. There’s no guards, so you can take it.”

“Really? Awesome!” Bowser giddily stomped away, but stopped abruptly and turned back. “Wait, no guards? Come to think of it, where’s the rest of your forces? This place is completely empty.”

“They... were decimated by your bomb yesterday. Hence my vehemence for compensation.”

“Oh... Tough to be you then, heheh!” Bowser resumed his giddy stomp from the demolished throne room, eager to fly back home with class and another tale of personal supremacy to brag about. At the edge of the lava pit, he stopped to look back at Sombra, who remained lying on the ground, downtrodden.

“Buck up already. That was a heck of a fight, and you’ve proven you’re no slouch despite the pretty-boy cape and mane. So cheer up, otherwise I’ll be calling you Sob-ra from now on.”

In a single bound Bowser cleared the lava pit and was gone. For some moments Sombra remained where he was, but then he propped himself onto his forelimbs and looked to where the koopa had stood some seconds ago.

“Idiocy like that can withstand even the fury of the sun. Uncouth though it may be, it makes him resilient, unwavering, steadfast and unyielding to adversity, or reason. Exactly like a turtle... a big, stupid, destructive turtle.” He half-grinned. “How might the princesses have dealt with him, I wonder.”

Outside, riding in his Klown Kopter, Bowser flew through the cool night air of World 3 with an open-mouth smile and belting a tuneless song like some whirring shooting star as the actual stars twinkled silently, as though cheering his victorious return. Or they were just grateful things had finally quieted down. The hills with eyes certainly were.

To a More Conclusive Conclusion...

The Day After

Upstart Villainy

The Day After

The sun shone brightly and unobscured, with birds chirping happily over the dreaded Koopa Fortress. Atop his throne, Bowser sat content as he hummed powerfully to himself, refreshed by the summer air that wafted in from outside, but in a totally cool way. As he tapped his mighty footsie mindlessly, Kammy waddled toward him.

“Your Ickiness, you’re in an awfully good mood. Aren’t you going to try kidnapping the princess again? It’s certainly a lovely day for it.”

“Nah, Kammy. I’m gonna stay in today,” he replied with a pep to his voice. “Yesterday’s attempt had got my head all cleared up, and now I wanna chill out. Maybe start work on rebuilding the invasion force. I’ll just go with whatever comes to mind.” He brought a leg onto his other knee and got extra cozy.

“Actually, your Heinousness, I’ve been wanting to ask: why did you send a dozen of our troops over to Sombra?”

“Construction detail,” he replied bluntly. “His castle was a complete wreck after the beatdown I gave him, so I thought I’d send some lackeys to tidy it up. A show of good will, now that I put him in his place. And I still have a soft spot for my old castles, dumps though they may be.”

“Not to question your judgment, but won’t he just brainwash your troops with employee benefits and make them his own? He’s done it once before.”

“Ehhh, he can have ‘em if he wants. They’re fairly weak on the battlefield; he’ll have to put in the work if he wants the most out of them. But the guy shows promise, so it could be a training exercise in becoming a half-decent villain. Besides, it’s not as though we’ll be needing craftsman for anything at this ti—”

A column of fire and brimstone erupted from the middle of the throne room with force that blew away Kammy and toppled Bowser and his throne backwards. When the lava pillar sunk away, something immensely bizarre landed before the crater: a young woman, with long raven-black hair and green bow, wearing some sort of white and green school girl outfit but with a blazing red eye in her chest, an orange arm cannon, a foot encased in concrete, and wings fashioned like a cape whose lining appeared to be made up of the very cosmos itself.

“Ha! Epic entrance is a success!” she cried. “That stupid fairy claims to be the strongest, but I’ll show her. I’ll set fire to this entire place, and then toss her into the ensuing inferno. Then we’ll see who’s the strongest!”

Before a mandatory evil laugh could be made, a heavy thud signaled Bowser’s return to the realm of the upright. The girl looked and saw the tyrant lizard in front of her, fire rising from the corners of his mouth and his brows furrowed something fierce.

“One upstart is annoying enough. Two makes a migraine. But Three is too much!” The koopa shuddered and started to glow as an indescribable power of annoyance swelled inside. “And you go wreck up my throne room while I’m trying to Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax!”

A gargantuan fire stream erupted from Bowser’s gaping mouth, wiping out the surprised bird-brain and annihilating everything as it went across the lay of the land and shot straight off the planet and into space. In the wake of such destruction, the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom panicked for a longer period of time, but as the doom beam inevitably subsided and left a smoking groove across the landscape, everybody calmed down and went about their lives. The incident was deemed another massive backfire by the resident troublemaker, and the matter wasn’t looked into further.

Yep, just another day for the Mushroom Kingdom, its prominent antagonist, and his ongoing battle with upstart villainy...

So it goes.

aka THE END

Author's Note

Sequel can be found here.