Farticus Maximus The Flatulent Pony
It was a warm summer day over Ponyville as Rainbow Dash practiced her routine for the Young Flyers Competition for the second time in a row. She had won it last year and was hoping to take the the crown again -- and spend the day with her idols, the Wonderbolts. She giggled in glee at the thought of spending a whole day with them, showing off her mad skills and leet moves. She really, really, really wanted to show off this time by performing a series of Sonic Rainbooms in a row. That was her plan.
Standing atop a cloud, she placed her flying goggles over her eyes, took a deep breath, and dove off the cloud rushing towards the ground at full speed, letting her body gain momentum. Then, she angled off sharply and flew straight. She could feel the air bend around her, feel the cone forming.
"Almost there..." she mentally noted, willing herself to go faster. "Just a little more..."
Suddenly there was a loud 'boom', followed by a brown pegasus surging past her trailed by a jet-stream of brown smoke. He roared by her, the sound he made was like shampoo being squeezed out of a nearly empty bottle. Whatever the case, he flashed a grin as he zoomed on by.
Rainbow could not believe what she had just seen. The pegasus had overtaken her as if she was standing still. Rainbow Dash, the fastest pony in Equestria, was just overtaken by somepony she had never seen before.
Despair flooded through her veins and she wanted to weep. She wanted to cry. She choked back the sob that threatened to show itself and she inhaled the brown smoke.
The next thing she knew she woke up in Ponyville's hospital, a very worried Nurse Redheart standing over her. When her eyes opened, relief flooded the nurse's expression.
"Welcome back, Rainbow. You gave us quite a scare there."
"Ooh, my head. What happened?"
"Well, you fainted. You just... fell out of the sky. Lucky for you, you landed in one of Applejack's trees, otherwise things might've been a lot worse. You're fine, but..."
"But?"
"But we fear there might have been foul play involved. You see, we took a blood test from you and we found that you'd been poisoned!"
Rainbow Dash was shocked. Poisoned? Her? True, she was the most awesome pony, but to poison her? She didn't know whether to be flattered or angry. So, she decided to be both, if that was possible.
"What did they try to poison me with?" she asked.
"Methane gas."
At once Rainbow understood exactly what the 'brown smoke' she inhaled was, and promptly emptied the contents of her stomach for the past several days onto the floor.
The brown pegasus stallion walked through the halls of the Canterlot palace, his head held high with pride. He was Farticus Maximus, one of the best Pegasi Guard. His name was legend and his talents were many. None had ever bested a dragon in single combat, yet he had beaten five without touching them. None had ever defeated Discord singlehoofed, yet he had done so without touching him. None had ever been able to stand against Queen Chrysalis without magic, yet he had crushed her and her bodyguards without touching them.
His presence was enough.
It was just a shame that nopony told him the real reason as to his flawless victories, or why the princesses would only agree to meet with him when they held court outdoors.
Farticus stepped into the private garden and waited near the edge of it for permission to be granted for him to proceed further. The Guards there knew of him, and saluted. They also knew of his reputation and held their breaths.
Princess Celestia saw him and waved him through.
"Your Highnesses," Farticus said, bowing low to Princess Celestia and Luna, "thank you for agreeing to see me on this wonderful hot day."
Princess Celestia smiled at him and nodded. "The pleasure is ours, Farti..."
Luna failed to stifle a snicker earning her a sharp look from her sister.
"... but you said that it was urgent that we see you."
"Yes, Your Highness. You see, I've... had a problem, so to speak."
"You realize this now?" Luna asked, barely able to contain her laughter.
Princess Celestia turned around and gave her sister a sharp look silencing her instantly.
"Do go on, Farticus Maximus."
Luna could no longer contain herself, and she began rolling on the grass laughing uncontrollably in a very un-princesslike manner. Her patience waning thing, Princess Celestia turned to Farticus.
"Farticus, perhaps you should help Luna up from the ground. She seems to have caught a strong case of the... funnies. It shall pass soon."
"Yes, Your Highness."
Walking over to Princess Luna, Farticus bent down low and made to help her up. As he bent, his tail shot straight up into the air and a blast of warm, hot, moist, brown smog erupted from the base of the tail. Farticus turned to the side, seemingly unaware of the source of the strange noise, shoving his freshly created cloud right into Luna's general breathing space.
Suffice to say, the fun had been doubled for the older princess as poor Luna began to choke on the noxious fumes.
"I think she is fine now, Farti," Celestia said gently.
The pegasus stopped and turned to look at Luna; as he did, the smog evaporated into the ether.
"Are you okay, Your Highness?" Farticus asked.
Princess Luna nodded vigorously.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded again, her eyes full of fear. This Farticus was dangerous.
"Now, where were we? Ah, yes. You said you have something very important to tell us."
"Yes, Your Highness. For the past several days, I've been having a strange... occurrence. I'm ashamed to admit it, but lately I've began to... flatulate... differently."
"Say wha-?" Celestia remarked in a very undignified manner.
"My farts. They are... different than normal."
Luna wanted to laugh, but the threat of that very subject matter invading her personal space was too much for her, and kept quiet. She did not want to have another case of the 'funnies'.
"Uh... please explain, Farticus."
"Well," Farticus began, "it's better if I just... show you."
"Very well."
Farticus nodded and spread his hind legs. He took a deep breath, standing up tall and proud, his chest inflating with air. Then, he suddenly pushed his chest downwards, his rear shooting up, along with his tail. In that moment an explosion of brown air shot out from behind him like a canon-ball. It whizzed across the gardens and hit the wall of the palace exploding in a mass cloud. The two Guards that were caught within it rolled their eyes to the back of their heads and promptly collapsed, the power of the Farticus Maximus' 'essence' was too much for them to handle.
Luckily, it was expected, and two Guards quickly took their place, while the two that were unconscious were quickly evacuated to safety.
"Did you hear?" Farticus asked.
"Hear?" Luna furrowed her brow. "Hear what?"
"Oh? You did not hear, Your Highness? Allow me to demonstrate once more."
The action repeated itself, only this time, Luna listened.
As Farticus bowed down once more, she heard a loud explosion of noise. How could she have missed it before?
HONDA!
"Wait!" Luna screamed. "Did you... did your..."
"Yes, Your Highness," Farticus said blushing. "My fart goes honda."
Luna's mouth hit the ground.
"Farticus, I know of this problem very well. You have an abscess tooth. Please go and see Colgate, the best dental pony in Equestria and have it looked at. Afterwards, please return here," Celestia stated wisely.
"It will be done as you say, Your Highness."
And with that, Farticus took to the skies and was gone.
Several hours later, he returned and bowed low to Celestia. "You were right, Your Highness. I went to the dentist known as Colgate, and she did indeed find that I had a gingival abscess, which she had drained and fixed. The pain in my jaw is gone, and... my farts have returned to normal. Perhaps I should demonstra-"
"That will not be necessary!" Luna barked. This time Celestia did not flash her a warning look.
"Very well, Your Highness, but please, tell me... how did you know?"
"Oh, it's because of an old proverb from centuries ago." Princess Celestia grinned. "Abscess makes the fart go HONDA!"
