Expeditis Equitibus

by Ivory Valor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Comedy
Length: 7312

A strange pony crash-lands near Ponyville. Hilarity and plenty of references to random stuff ensue.

(Set after the changelings got blasted out of Canterlot, but before Sombra came back)

The massive explosion of the primal force of love sends a strange pony smashing down near Ponyville. Whoever he is, he is most certainly NOT from this world. What world is he from? Who knows, 'cause it's obvious he ain't telling… thanks Rainbow Dash…

{*Sigh* This IS an experimental attempt at a DECENT HiE fic, yes. if it ends up sucking, then I'll know the experiment failed. Constructive criticism is welcomed, encouraged and damn near demanded. Also, does the Human tag even fit with this one? Probably, just to make sure… There will be(I hope) no romance, so you may breathe easy.}

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-05 04:18:54 UTC

Heeding the Call

Expeditis Equitibus

A/N:’Oh geez, another HiE fic, I’m just gonna downvote this and keep on moving’ Is that about right? Eh. Fine. But I do think I should have the right to at least take a shot at it… Right? Guys? RIGHT?! :P Hope you enjoy!

Lots of pain…

Darkness enveloping him…

Filled with loneliness…

Burdened by confusion…

The young being’s head was filled with all those emotions, and more. Opening his dark blue eyes, he stared out at the blurry world, waiting for it to come into focus. When it did, he looked around to get his bearings and… found that he was actually inside of a massive crater, the bowl shaped dirt walls rising quite a long ways above his head. Whatever had happened to him, he must have hit the ground HARD. The pony stood and shook his head woozily, finally clearing his vision completely. “Damn head rush.” He muttered, his voice rather Amareican, and coughed, raising a hoof to muffle it. Such a simple action really, but in that moment,  it meant a whole dimension of difference to him.

He stared at his hoof.

His HOOF.

Descending into a minor freak-out, he frantically craned his neck, looking around at himself. He noted a brilliant white coat, and, assuming his mane was the same color as his tail, a dirty blonde mane and tail. Two pegasus wings sprouted from his sides, also colored white. Slapping a hoof to his forehead in a moment of panic, he sighed in relief when he failed to find a horn, chuckling momentarily.

“Okay…Could be worse… I could be some jumped up, neon colored, Alicorn, Mary Sue, OC nutjob...” he laughed to himself, the joke seeming absolutely hilarious at the time. Of course, then the pegasus turned his attention to more pressing matters… getting out of the pit he was in. Jumping wasn’t exactly gonna help, not when he barely knew how to use his legs anyway, and flying wasn’t going to work since he wasn’t sure how his wings worked either. ‘course, it didn’t really seem like it was going to matter, if the smattering of voices he heard getting closer was anything to go by.

“I think Dashie said one of them landed over here!” a mare’s voice called out, pausing at the lip of the crater. Suddenly a pink blur zoomed down into the hole, smashing into the white pony and blasting them both back into the pit wall. A faint ‘owww’ drifted up afterward, and the pegasus had to once again clear his vision from that hard knock, only to come muzzle to muzzle with… a cotton candy pink mare with a nightmarishly curly mane and tail, staring into his eyes like she was enraptured in them with a small ‘Ooooh’ coming out of her muzzle. And of course, the pegasus did what any self-respecting stallion would do in that case.

Kick her off of him.

“GAAAH! Too close! Much too close!” the pegasus shouted. Now he might not have known how to use his new legs yet, but instinct still delivered a decent kick, sending the pink mare through the air to land… somehow… on the very lip of the crater, completely unharmed. Overall damage report: one giggling, unharmed mare. Not what the White One had expected, but at least she was off of him, huh?

“Pinkie, what did you…? Oh.” another mare’s voice spoke up, revealing the source a second later to be a purple mare with a more sensible mane cut than the pink one’s… Also, a horn…. Wait, WHAT?! Yep, she had a horn! And… she was glaring at him. Oh, that couldn’t possibly be good.

“Uh… What the barrel is going on here?” the pegasus asked, only to be surrounded by a magical aura and lifted out of the hole…holy hell, was he being levitated by that unicorn?! Well, if the glowing horn was anything to go on, he was! Which meant… that unicorn must have been tough to lift him with barely any effort showing. He made a mental note NEVER to piss her off… who knows, she might burst into flames or something and become a flaming pony missile. Of course, given her expression… that might be difficult.

Deposited none too gently on the ground outside of the hole, he shook his head rapidly, only to get tackled by ANOTHER pony, a cyan pegasus mare this time … with an entire color spectrum for a mane, everything from red down to purple representing. He barely notices that though, opting instead to finally lose his temper himself and exclaim, in a fit of rage, “WILL EVERYONE JUST STOP TACKLING ME?!” at considerable volume, and kick the other pegasus off of him as well. This… didn’t go over too well, as the mare did a combat roll, leapt forward and struck him across the muzzle with her forehoof with the force of a baseball bat at 75% speed, just as he was getting up. Staggering around like a drunk for a few seconds, he fell sideways… right back into the pit.

The purple mare looked at the cyan mare with a glare that clearly said ‘Smooth move, plothole.’ “Nice job, Rainbow Dash. You knocked him out before we could get any information from him.” Dashie reared onto her hind legs and shrugged her front legs.

“What else was I gonna do? Do we really NEED to know anything, Twilight? I KNOW what I saw and what I saw was one of those… THINGS crash-land ‘round here.” Twilight shook her head, sighing as she levitated the now-unconscious pegasus out of the hole and dropped her in front of Dash.

“Okay, but YOU get to carry him.” Dash’s jaw nearly hit the ground.

“Why do I have to-?“ Twilight looked back at her, cutting her off by sporting a glare that could cut through solid rock, directed straight at Rainbow Dash. She gulped, and then sighed, resigned to her fate.

“…Fine…” Rainbow Dash hefted the white pegasus in a firepony’s carry as she hovered there, rolling her eyes. Twilight nodded, satisfied, and the two began to ambulate toward the small town in the distance. Meanwhile Pinkie, oblivious as always, was off in the background, batting around a small leather bag full of… some kind of jingly stuff. Pinning it down with a hoof and opening it up, she looked inside… and gasped.

“Those were in the hole with Mister Grumpypegasus! I wonder who they belong to…” clueless, she took another look inside, the shiny, weirdly designed pins glinting in the sunlight… then she gasped again. “Ohmygosh, they’re HIS! Ahhh! Twilight! Dashie! Wait up!”

Stranger Than Fiction

A/N: Thank you very much for the constructive criticism last chapter, especially you, Evillevi! YAY!

Okay, now last chapter you may have noticed the chapter name had (Almost) nothing to do with the story. I’ve decided to be slightly interactive here, so each chapter name will be from a different band. As soon as someone gets it, I’ll switch to a different band and the person who guessed it will get a shout-out in the next chapter! I’ll give ya the last one... it was HammerFall’s song Heeding The Call, off of the Legacy of Kings album. I like metal, hush. :P

Anyway, good luck and enjoy!

‘Ugh...’

‘Oh, my head...’

‘Someone wanna stop the world spinning please? I’d like to get off now...’

The white pegasus slowly opened his eyes, blinking multiple times to bring the world back into focus. Once he managed to get a look around though, he wished he hadn’t seen it.

He was strapped to a bed in some dark basement, complete with a rather soft pillow and blanket. The black straps wrapped themselves around the blanket, binding him down in a soft cocoon of what felt like velvet. Testing the straps, he sighed heavily, closing his eyes again. In bondage again? Why did this keep happening?

Completely unable to move, he slowly opened his eyes and looked around the place. The walls and floor looked like they were crafted right out of a tree, and there was a staircase in the corner. All in all, it was rather barebones... that is, if you left out the huge, almost laser cannon-type machine aimed directly at his head.

“Uh... What the hell is that thing?!” he asked incredulously, not expecting to be answered... so of course he was, by the purple unicorn from earlier as she came down the stairs in the corner of the room.

“THAT, mister, is a machine originally planned to help me understand one of my other friends’... unusual predictions. Now, it’s been re-purposed for more... ‘specific’ examinations!” the glee in her voice made him shudder.

“Wh-what are you looking for, p-precisely?” he asked.

“Well, if it works... your real identity!” she hopped into a seat next to it, stared into a display screen, and rubbed her hooves together almost maniacally.

“My real... WHAT?!” he shouted, confused. “Don’t you have, like... I dunno, a spell to do almost the exact same thing, miss lavender nutjob?”

She huffed. “My name is Twilight Sparkle... And I do actually have a changeling detection spell, but I want to test this thing at least once!” she hovered a hoof over a lever, about to start it.

The stallion caught his breath. “Changeling... what now?” the sheer bewilderment in his voice made Twilight second-guess herself. Wasn’t it in her character to have all the facts BEFORE making conclusions? She sighed, calming down. Looks like she wouldn’t get to find out if scientific progress went ‘Boink’ after all... also, there was still no guarantee her machine worked. She hopped off her seat and trotted over to him, undoing his straps with flicks of her horn and explaining as she went.

“Changelings... They’re a race of hive-minded, pony-like, insectoid creatures that attacked Canterlot during the wedding of my brother, Shining Armor, and his wife. They disguise themselves as the pony you love the most, then suck the love right out of you.” the white pegasus dropped to the floor, nodding.

“I see... and where better to get love than a wedding?” he asked, Twilight nodding back in reply. “Not to mention the fact that the ‘bride’ was a fake. Their queen kidnapped and disguised herself as Princess Cadance, the Alicorn goddess of love, and my bro’s wife. She spent DAYS brainwashing him until he was basically her love slave.” one particular point left the pegasus confused, however, and he raised a hoof.

“That doesn’t make sense. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to have kidnapped and disguised herself as your brother, then let the goddess of their food source pump ‘him’ until ‘he’ was full, then erased Shining Armor’s memories of being kidnapped and put him back? You wouldn’t need to plan an invasion for THAT!” Twilight paused... then shrugged her front legs.

“Who knows, who cares now. They’ve been repelled from Canterlot... but that’s where you came in.” She levitated the blanket and pillow, folding the blanket and setting the pillow on top, then putting both in a corner. “Right after we’d returned from the wedding, my friend Rainbow Dash... she’s the one who punched your lights out.” she clarified, smirking as that descriptor elicted a ‘HEY!’ from the stallion. “Anyway... Dash noticed a pony-shaped being plummeting through the air and crashing down near the Everfree Forest...We were still kinda on high alert, so we went to check it out. And... well, you know the rest.” Twilight smiled at him, a little apologetically. “Sorry about our hasty actions, uh... What IS your name, anyway?”

He stopped, looking down at the floor. ‘Crap... gotta think of SOMETHING!’ He thought, then looked back at his white fur... “Um... Ivory.* It’s nice to meet you, Twilight...When I’m not on the business end of that horn of yours.” He joked, eliciting a laugh from her. ’Yep... I STILL got it...’ For some reason, after she was done laughing, Twilight took a look at Ivory’s flank... and gasped. Ivory cocked his head. “What? Is my butt too big?”

Twilight shook her head. “You don’t have a cutie mark?” Ivory looked back at his flank, seeing nothing but fur. Looking closer at Twilight, though, revealed her cutie mark to him: several small white stars around a larger, purple star. He was now completely confused.

“Okay,  you just lost me... the hell is a cutie mark and why is it such a big deal that I don’t have one?” Ivory asked. Just as Twilight opened her mouth, the door burst open and the blue one with the prismatic mane... Rainbow Dash, she’d said? Anyway, she flew down the stairway, blasting into Ivory and knocking him into a wall.

“I’ve had it with waiting! Gimme one good reason I shouldn’t just pound this changeling freak into green goo right now, Twi!” She exclaimed, pulling back a forehoof. Twilight sighed and shook her head.

“Hot headed as always, Rainbow Dash... Long story short, he’s not a changeling.” Dash looked at Ivory... then back at Twilight... then dropped her hoof, sighing in disappointment.

“Darn it...”

*:YAY! I don’t have to keep dodging around his name now!

A/N: As always, Constructive criticism is welcomed, encouraged and damn near demanded! If you sneezed during this chapter, bless you!

Nightmare

Okay, forget the whole Song title thing... that wasn’t gonna work out anyways.

Oh, and... BIG ASS shout out to one of my bestest friends in all of Authorville! You know who you are!

...douchebottle...

ENJOY!

After Twilight talked Rainbow Dash out of pounding Ivory into a sack of fur, flesh, and organs, she’d let Ivory up to the main floor of what he then saw was a library. After looking around a bit, Twilight had procured three cups of tea from a short baby dragon almost the exact same shade of mulberry as her, giving one to him. Ivory had gotten along with the little guy almost instantly, considering their love for wisecracking, and even shared a few sarcastic jibes at Twilight and Dash’s expense.

‘What had she called him... Spyro? No, Spike! There we go...’ Ivory mentally confirmed, smiling over his teacup held in between his forehooves. He didn’t know how Spike had done it, but somehow the tea tasted almost exactly like he was drinking a watermelon... and he LOVED watermelon. Taking another sip, he tuned back into what Spike was telling him about. The little guy was going on about what happened when Twilight had first arrived in Ponyville.

“...And then after I’d met Rainbow Dash over there, we went to Carousel Boutique and... I saw... HER...” Spike swooned, and Ivory could almost see hearts in the lovestruck dragon's eyes. “Ahhh, my Rarity...” that was about when Twilight trotted back into the room, rolling her eyes and smiling.

“Aaah, that dragon and his crush... I swear, sometimes I don’t know who’s the more dramatic between the two of you.” Twilight said playfully, rubbing a hoof over Spike’s scales. Ivory, drinking the rest of his tea, stood up and cleared his throat, ruffling his wings slightly.

“I’d actually like to meet the rest of your friends, Twilight... that is, if it’s not too much trouble.” Twilight gave that some thought, then nodded. She trotted over to her saddle bag, dropping a couple of books in, then magic’d* it over her back.

“Sounds fair enough... I need to return a book to Carousel Boutique anyway. Rarity let me borrow it a week ago, but I just finished it today. Before Dash told me you crash-landed outside Ponyville, actually.” this was met by a knowing glance and chuckle from Ivory.

“Long book?” he asked. Twilight shook her head.

“No... I just read it slowly. And took notes.” Ivory shrugged at Twilight’s remark, resisting the urge to throw in a, ‘What, in the margins?’, and accompanied her out the door. Now that Ivory was out of the library and into the town proper, he realized exactly how out of his depth he really was. Ponies of all colors, shapes, sizes, and races dotted the streets. His jaw dropped open as he looked around the place, but once again, he was tackled by that same pink blur that hit him earlier. She opened her mouth, accompanied by a massive intake of air, but Ivory was having none of it.

“How many times are you gonna tackle me, you pink menace?! This marks tackle attack number two now!” he growled, then shoved her off of him and got back up, dusting himself off with a hoof.

“That’s Pinkie Pie to you, mister crazy grumpypants! Now if you’ll pardon me... Ahem...” a random party music riff played out of nowhere, to Ivory’s great confusion. Pinkie then started dancing around Ivory and singing:

“Welcome, welcome, welcome,

A fine welcome to you!

Welcome, welcome, welcome,

I say, how do you do?!

Welcome, welcome, welcome,

I say, hip, hip, hurray!

Welcome, welcome, welcome,

To Ponyville today!”

After Pinkie’s powerslide, Twilight cocked her head. “Don’t you usually have your party machine with you when you do that?” Pinkie hopped up onto her hooves, pony-shrugging.

“Eh, it’s in the wash!” Pinkie turned to look at Ivory, gauging his reaction. What she saw was… not what was expected. By now a crowd of ponies had gathered around Twilight, Ivory, and Pinkie Pie.

This crowd then got the chance to see pure, unfiltered fear cross through Ivory’s now-completely wide open sapphire eyes.

Ivory started trembling, staring at all of the ponies staring at him. In his mind, he could see them already starting to judge him, deciding that they hated him because he happened to have massive stage fright. He could almost see the townsponies beating him publically, just for being different.

“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Ivory screeched in a terror-laced voice, and blasted off down the road toward an effortlessly chic pink, purple, and blue building cast like a miniature palace, its interior adorned with models of ponies on poles… carousel style, not dancing around on them… thankfully.

Rarity hummed a bit as she put the last pinpoint touches on her latest work, grinning deviously at the thought of surprising Fancy Pants with the pinnacle of this month’s work, the absolute epitome of fabulosity, the magnum opus of-

BANG!

ZOOOOOM!

Her front door blasted open and a white, screaming, somewhat pony-shaped blur flashed up her stairs. Rarity slowly trotted over to her door, then peeked outside. A whole crowd of ponies stood by Twilight’s library, all staring back at her, obviously with the same look of confusion she must have had plastered on her face. Rarity nodded once, closed her door, then leaned up against it, shaking her head.

“What… in the name of fashion… just happened?” Rarity shook her head again, got to her hooves, and began trotting toward the stairs, hesitantly calling out up to whoever had just ran up them.

“Sweetie? Sweetie Belle? Oh, I do hope you haven’t gone and involved yourself in something horrid!” she rolled her eyes. "...again." she then started walking up the stairs, taking notice of an increased amount of whimpering. Rarity then came to a stop outside her room, pushing the door open and being greeted with a mid-sized lanky Ivory stallion in her bed, blankets wrapped around him and whimpering.

“Who are you?! And what in the name of Celestia are you doing in my bed?!” she glanced outside her room’s window and noticed that the crowd had migrated over to her front door. “And why is there a crowd of ponies outside my door?!”

Ivory slowly looked outside the window, trembling like mad… then, seeing the crowd, ducked down, terrified.

‘To quote Hellboy… Ah CRAP!’

*:Yes, that’s a word now.

As always, constructive criticism is nice and needed! Gotta get better somehow!

Dealing with Fear

Sorry this took so long... My creativity just basically went 'I'm gonna go to bed' and died for a while.

Anyway. Chapter Four, go now!

A knock came at Carousel Boutique's door, a rapid triplet of percussive beatings. Rarity knew that knock well, given how Pinkie tended to annoy her while she was designing. Sighing, she turned to the distraught young white pegasus; hushing his whimpering with a hoof.

"I'll go quiet down the horde... but in return, I expect you to tell me what happened!" Rarity said in a firm, yet gentle voice, then took her leave. On opening the door, her surprise and slight relief, she was NOT immediately mobbed by ponies. Instead she was greeted by a concerned Pinkie and Twilight. Pinkie looked up at Rarity, tears glistening at the bottom rim of her eyes.

"I-Is Ivory in there? I didn't scare him, did I? Wh-what did I do? I gave him my traditional w-welcome to Ponyville... but he freaked out as s-soon as ponies came by to say hello!" Pinkie sniffled, ready to start bawling, but she was quickly calmed by Twilight placing a hoof around her shoulders.

"There there, Pinkie, it's okay... Rarity, have you seen a white pegasus with a dirty blonde mane and tail? He's the 'thing' that Dash saw crash-land near Everfree when we got back from the wedding." Twilight asked Rarity, who nodded and pointed up the stairs to her room.

"I have... however he still needs to calm down first... I believe Pinkie may have accidentally triggered a bad case of agoraphobia... that is, fear of crowds, or social anxiety..." Rarity explained for Pinkie's benefit. "He might not be out for a bit longer, everypony... Don't worry though, I'll make sure he's in tip top shape when he does return!"

Her words were accepted by the townsponies, and they began to drift away. There was chatter, no doubt about that... seemed like this 'Ivory' pony had made quite the impression. Rarity turned to Twilight and the now somewhat calm Pinkie. Twilight quickly lifted her head, a thin smile snaking across her lips. Magicking open her saddlebag, she pulled out a gold-trimmed, royal purple book. In typical Equestrian fashion, the volume could have easily been used to bludgeon somepony into submission. And as usual, all they would have seen between strikes was a simplified image of a knitting needle and thread on its cover.

"Here's your book back, Rarity... sorry it took so long, I never knew there was so much technique and finesse just for sewing and knitting! I filled at least two whole scrolls with notes..." Twilight shook her head, grinning. "Right... I better get Pinkie out of here and let you deal with this. See you later when you've got him calmed down?" Rarity nodded in agreement, picking up the book in her magic aura. Before she could trot back into the Boutique, however, Pinkie pulled out a small bag of... something, and tossed it into Rarity’s magic field.

"Give Ivory that... I think it's his." Pinkie told Rarity, who replied in kind with a gentle nuzzle; just enough to give Pinkie reason to smile again.

"I will, darling." Rarity nodded again, then went back inside, closing the door and tossing the book and bag onto her designing table

"A-are they gone?" Ivory's voice wavered down the stairs, followed by the shivering pony himself. Rarity nodded and smiled at him warmly, in a way that seemed to calm his nerves.

"G-Good... I hate being in crowds like that..." Ivory shudders. "I think I owe you an explanation... well... when Pinkie did her song and that crowd formed, it... did something to me. Like... I had a vision of the future... and in it... I was being judged horribly for being different... It's all I really know... judgment without due cause..." Ivory sits down, burying his face into his front hooves. "I just had to get away before they could start beating me or something... and your place was the first I saw... sorry about that." He sighed. "Dear god.... I'm such a MESS!"

Rarity sighed and trotted over to Ivory, who was sliding his hooves away from her as if repelled by a force field.  "It's perfectly fine, dear... You won't be judged here in Ponyville. We accept all kinds of ponies." Ivory snorted, shaking his head.

"Not if what Rainbow Dash did is anything to go by..." he muttered, to which Rarity scoffed.

"I’m afraid that Rainbow Dash is untrusting to most strange ponies. However, if you earn her trust, you will gain a friend for life. I am sure she will warm up to you soon." Ivory shrugged at those words, but seemed to calm down a bit. Sensing he wasn't gonna keep being silly about this whole thing, Rarity levitated the bag Pinkie gave her over to Ivory. "I believe this is yours."

Ivory cocked his head and, accepting the back, fumbled with the drawstring whilst cursing at his hooves. Rarity couldn't help but notice that his movements seemed erratic and cumbersome... like he was not used to having these appendages. Perhaps like he wasn't a pony until just recently.

But if he wasn't a pony... then what in Equestria was he?

________________________________________

Twilight closed the door to the library, her mind made up. She trotted over to a cushion, laid down, and let out a breath. After the events of the day, she was WIPED.

"Spike? Take a letter please..." She called out to the dragon, who nodded and produced a piece of parchment and a quill, ready to write down the immediate dictation that would follow.

"Dear Princess Celestia...

Today's been an interesting day... first we get back from that insane wedding, then a pony crash-lands outside the Everfree forest. Rainbow Dash mistook him for a changeling, and I have to admit, I thought he was too, considering the circumstances surrounding his arrival. But Ivory didn't appear to even know what a changeling is, and seemed particularly clumsy, as if he didn't even know how to control his body. I would like to request an audience with you at your earliest convenience-

"Wh-what?!" Spike sputtered at that, almost dropping his quill. "Twilight, you're NEVER that up front with her!"

Twilight nodded. "I know. But this is a mystery... And I need to get to the bottom of it. Keep writing, please..." Spike rolled his eyes, but continued writing.

________________________________________

"-With Ivory in tow. I trust this will be able to help me understand more about this pony... if he is in fact that.

Your faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle."

Princess Celestia finished reading the scroll to Luna, a sigh escaping her muzzle. Luna of course immediately picked up on that.

"What is wrong, sister? You sound almost... like Mother Faust caught you in the middle of something you ought not to have partaken in." Luna cocked her head, but received no answer as her sister turned away and began her reply to Twilight...

Eyebrow of Doom

Bananas.

Also Chapter 5

Ivory slowly opened the door to Carousel Boutique, fully expecting and-he thought-prepared for anything. Being prepared for almost anything, he was not, by any means, prepared... for nothing. The streets were completely desolate, not a single pony in sight. He half expected a tumbleweed to be floating by in the background as he stepped out onto the street, and found that nopony instantly mobbed him. Instant plus sign, there.

"Go on, dear. The ponies in this town are friendly, they wouldn't hurt you for any reason." Rarity encouraged from behind Ivory, oblivious to the fact that there was no pony to be found.

"Um... well alright then..." Ivory nodded. "See you some other time, Rarity..." he trotted out and shut the door. Rarity sighed, getting back to work... then her eyes strayed over to the brown leather bag containing the jingly items.

"Hmph... He must have forgotten about his bag..." she muttered. She levitated the misplaced bag in her aura, then carefully manoeuvred it over to her saddlebag and dropped it in. "I'll just have to give it back to him later..." she shrugged and then went back to admiring her latest creation... an elegant silk/velvet combination dress in emerald green...

"Okay, it's official. I'm creeped out now." Ivory said to himself as he trotted along the road back toward the library, wondering where the hell everypony had gotten to. "It'd be one thing if it was night time, but it's still..." he reflexively checked his right foreleg and...

"OKAY, WHAT THE BARRELS?!" Ivory shouted to nopony at all. There was, in fact, a digital watch attached to his right foreleg, down near the hoof. "Well, that's comforting." he muttered. "Anyway, it's still... 1:09 in the afternoon, where the bollocks is everypony?" Ivory looked up toward the library, noting that, unlike the other houses that had been doused in darkness, the lights were on there, and...

Was that Dragonforce being played through the speakers?!

Breaking into a full-blown gallop, he raced for the door, excited beyond belief. Finally, something else familiar! Unfortunately, he'd forgotten how to control his pony body... having a mite of a problem with stopping, specifically.

BLAM went his head right through the wooden library door, proving once and for all that Equestrian physics work on Rule of Funny.

Complete sensory recalibration. Hearing: Upon replaying the previous few seconds, the music had actually been a normal polka type dance song and had smacked his subconscious upside the head, shouting 'FOOLED YOU!' Now though, it was silent. Sight: Derped beyond comparison, but settling to normal slowly. Smell: Were those cupcakes he was smelling? Brain, send order to salivary glands to step up production, STAT! Taste: Dear deity it's gonna take a while to get the taste of sawdust out of his mouth after crashing through that door. Touch: Pain sensors on fire. Brain, send order to vocal cords. Message:

"Oh dear god, that hurt like hell...." his derped out eyes slowly settled back into focus, and he finally got to see the contents of the library... namely, all of the ponies that had gathered around him before were there, not to mention countless other ones that had been invited to... what looked like... a party? Were the ponies staring at him? They were... staring at them, just like earlier, with those judging eyes

Ivory couldn't hold it anymore. He burst into tears.

Twilight trotted over to the door, lighting her horn and conjuring a small ring of magic around the jagged fracture in the door, shearing off the little spikes of wood and turning it into a smooth, complete circle, as well as allowing Ivory to retract his head. "I was meaning to put a window there anyway..." She muttered, then opened the door for him. "What's wrong, Ivory?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe the fact that I just crashed through your door, interrupted a party that it looks like EVERYPONY has been invited to, except me, which clearly makes me unwelcome here, which means I've made a fool of myself, which means now you've all judge me, which means now you all hate me forever, which means-"

SMACK!

A hoof cracked across his muzzle, courtesy of Twilight Sparkle. Ivory stared at her, shocked, as she glared back at him.

"You really are a silly colt, aren't you? Didn't you notice the banner over the library door? You know, the one that says ‘Welcome to Ponyville, Ivory!’"

Ivory caught himself in the middle of a breath, then trotted back outside, staring up at the aforementioned-and completely unnoticed- banner that did say exactly that. Blinking back tears, he turned back to Twilight.

"Th-This... was for me?" Ivory asked, hiccupping a little through his tears, to which Twilight nodded, a smile making its way back onto her face. Suddenly, Ivory blasted back through the doorway-Door open this time-and tacklehugged Twilight.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!" Ivory rambled, causing Twilight to giggle.

"Don't look at me, Pinkie Pie set it up!" Almost as if on cue, Pinkie tackled Ivory, nuzzling the crap out of him.

"What else was I gonna do? You see I never saw you before, and if I never saw you before that means you're new, 'cause I know everypony, and I mean everypony in Ponyville, and if you're new, then it meant you haven't met anyone yet, and if you haven't met anyone yet, you must not have any friends, and if you don't have any friends then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, so after you took off for Rarity's place, I started planning this!  That by the way was why I was so calm before, I was thinking!" Ivory shook his head rapidly, eyes wide open in shock.

"...I'm not sure what's weirder. The fact that she said all that.... or the fact that I actually understood most of it." Ivory shrugged, visibly relaxing though. The music started back up and the other ponies started dancing about, Ivory's cock-up completely forgotten about. The white pony in question sat back and just watched as Twilight and Pinkie trotted off, chattering about physics manipulation or some such. It was about that point that he noticed another pony trotting over, this one with an orange coat, a blonde mane and a RIGHTEOUS Stetson hat. Before he could comment on the hat though, he suddenly felt his very being vibrating so hard he swore he could feel his molecules beginning to self-destruct. Looking down though, he realized she was just shaking his hoof.

"Howdy there, pardner!" She drawled, finally letting him go. "Mah name's Applejack! I hear you took a few nasty spills earlier!"

"Duh, there's a huge crater out there with an Ivory-shaped imprint in it!" Ivory fired back immediately... then laughed, remembering quickly to say, "Oh by the way, I love your hat!"

Applejack chuckled a moment, then her eyes softened. "Yeah... It's almost like family to me..."

Ivory winced, the implications all too clear. "Yikes... I-I'm sorry..." Applejack shook her head, throwing a wide smile on her muzzle.

"Nah, don't worry... the past is the past. Us Apples, we believe in the future and persist in the present!" Applejack smiled at him, seeming to quote some sort of family philosophy.

"That's the way Team Apple family rolls, huh? Doesn't surprise me AT ALL." Ivory muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Now, let's get partying!" Applejack shouted, pulling Ivory along with her accompanied by a 'whoa whoa whoa!' from the white pony.

Several hours passed (And so did quite a few bottles of Applejack Daniels, thanks to a pony named Berry Punch (Even though Ivory never drank any)) and the party started to die down. Pinkie Pie bounced over to the door, holding it open as ponies left, and soon the room was almost empty. That, apparently, was when business started, as Spike walked into the room, raised a claw and belched out a tongue of green flame, which coalesced into a scroll that landed right in front of Twilight. Ivory, understandably, was shocked.

"What the balls?! I'm near POSITIVE fire doesn't work like that!" Ivory exclaimed, leading Twilight to giggle a bit.

"It's magic, you silly pony, don't be so-" Her look changed dramatically as she read the letter, then she turned to face Ivory, suddenly very serious. "Ivory? You'd better pack a few things..." Twilight advised, causing Ivory to raise an eyebrow.

"Um... okay... Why?" He cocked his head to the side. Twilight sighed, then set the letter in front of him, allowing him to see it. Ivory's left eyebrow kept going up as he read the letter out loud.

"My Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle...

I expect you and this 'Ivory' pony at my castle as soon as is convenient. There is something I wish to discuss with the pair of you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia"

Ivory looked up from the letter, his eyebrow now painfully high. "Ah.... Crapbaskets."

Center of the Universe

No one cares anymore, but...

Chapter 6.

It was morning. The sun glaring in through the windows was pretty damned indicative of that fact. Unfortunately, given the position on the library floor Ivory was sleeping in, that meant the rays shone right into his eyes, instantly snapping him awake. This had the added affect of startling a buttery yellow pegasus that had been looking at him a moment ago, and causing her to dive under a random desk. Actually, come to think of it, Ivory hadn't seen too much of this one at the party... Maybe she was just shy around ponies? Probably. Whatever the case, he decided to make first contact.

"Hey, uh... sorry for startling you, miss." He said, a reassuring tone entering his voice. The pegasus crept out a little from her hiding spot, but still didn't seem too hot on the idea of meeting a total stranger. Okay brain, shift gears, reverse, try again....

"Um.... I'm Ivory... you are?" He asked. The pegasus shrank back a bit, but crept out from under the desk and muttered something inaudible whilst blushing heavily. Something about that blush honestly made Ivory's heart want to melt from the sheer cute. He nodded, thinking.

"I didn't quite hear you, but I do think I know why. You're a shy pony, not used to meeting new ponies. If it takes a bit for you to gain your confidence, I'm not gonna push..." He said, soft and calmly.

The pegasus visibly relaxed, speaking in a soft voice herself. "That's a relief... you have no clue how annoying it is to be thrown into awkward situations like this..."

Ivory chuckled, shaking his head. "Betcha five bucks I do..." He muttered to himself, causing Fluttershy to cock her head.

“Why would you… want to bet five bucks? Wouldn’t that hurt?” She asked, Ivory quickly whipping his head back and forth. “Not that kind of buck, dangit… ”

A moment passed, then she spoke up again. "My name is… Fluttershy....Thank you for letting me work at my own pace, mister Ivory..." Ivory nodded, smiling. The conversation was cut short by the clopping of hooves on the staircase down from Twilight's room. Soon, Twilight appeared in the doorframe, her usually straight mane frazzled and splayed everywhere. Ivory couldn’t help but snark.

"Wait, I think I got this one... magic lightning went astray and you ended up zapping your mane?" he chuckled. Twilight rolled her eyes. "Hah hah. Ivory, you do realize we're going to see the princess today, right? You know, the goddess of the sun?  There's really nothing funny about this."

"You kidding me? I get to see one of the rulers of this world, there's plenty of funny to be had here." Ivory shot back, stretching a little. Twilight sighed, turning away and searching her cabinets for some sort of breakfast substance. Ivory turned toward Fluttershy and shrugged. "There's Twilight for ya." he shakes his head, chuckling. "Shall I leave you alone this morning, Twi?"

Twilight nodded, her head still stuck in the cabinets. "Sure... wait, you're not hungry?" Ivory shook his head, muttering a negative as he trotted out of the library, leaving Flutter with Twilight.

Ivory stepped outside, looking around. Ponyville was still waking up and a fog had come in, very lightly coating the ground. "God, this is how Silent Hill started..." he chuckled to himself, beginning to wish he’d asked Fluttershy to join him. “Weird… I can’t handle crowds, but I can’t stand being alone… Not to mention I had to make up a name, shouldn’t I be able to remember mine? Oh god… No, PLEASE tell me I’m not in a stupid amnesia-type plot!” He cocked his head. “Wait… no, because I can still remember some things from Earth. I thought that was just Rule of Funny though!”

A soft voice disturbed his monologue. “Um… who are you talking to, mister Ivory?” Ivory whipped around, but settled when he realized it was just Flutter.

“Um… myself, actually… trying to figure a few things out… wanna join me out here?” He asked, to which Flutter shook her head no.

“A-actually, I need to get back to my cottage soon… Twilight wants you to come back in.” Flutter stepped out, trotting past Ivory, presumably on her way to her house.

“Yay, back to the mulberry psycho…” Ivory muttered under his breath as he walked back into the house, shaking his head in wonder. Weird stuff abounded in this town, it seemed…

Twilight trotted back into the main room, shaking her mane back into its normal position just in time for Ivory to come back from outside. The pegasus smirked at her, a cocky grin beginning to form.

"So, Twilight... how ARE we getting to Canterlot?" Ivory asked, only to be interrupted by what sounded like massive wingbeats outside. Looking out the window, he rolls his eyes at the dual pony-pulled chariot that just landed outside the library. "Well... that's me answered..." He smirked, shaking his head. Twilight sighed, trotting out the door with Ivory right behind her. The two guardsponies silently watched as Twilight got on the chariot, then turn their gazes to Ivory, who decided to have a bit of fun.

"So you two pull this thing, huh? Jeez... what is this made of anyway, solid gold? How many gold ingots did this thing take? Or did you have to use gold blocks? How much Gold ore did you have to mine? WHERE'S MY CRAFTING TABLE?!" Ivory spun around, looking half-crazed as he 'freaked out', eliciting a slight chuckle from the left guardpony. "Oh good, I got one of you... actually, given the red seats, I'm imagining a base of gold blocks, one or two red wool blocks... Alright, who dyed the sheep?!" That one cracked up the right guardpony, and by extension, the left again.

Finally, Ivory hopped into the chariot, his fun had. After the two guards had managed to regain control of themselves, they took off at a steady gallop, dragging the wheeled contraption behind them. Just as they spread their wings though, a brown streak flew through the air and hit Ivory in the chest with a jingle. He cocked his head at it, recognizing it as the bag he fell to earth with. "Huh... you just keep following me..." he muttered, pulling it up on to the seat next to him. Looking over the side, Ivory saw Rarity waving up at him. Waving a hoof back, he figured she must have tossed it up to him and left it as such.

About half an hour into the flight, Ivory looked up, struck with an odd feeling/urge. Turning to Twilight, he asked, "Mind if I... try something?" Twilight cocked her head at him, but eventually nodded. At first Ivory was hesitant, but eventually... he just closed his eyes and went with it.

He opened his muzzle... and sang.

"Move slowly, beyond the colors of my eyes.

Move slowly, into the corners of my mind.

Rising like the pegasus, each and every one of us, released.

Islands in the sea of dreams, always searching harmony and peace.

All we find!

Reject our mind!

Don't you wonder why?

If the war by heaven's gate released desire!

In the line of fire someone must have known,

That a pony's heart demands to be admired!

Cause in the Center of the Universe,

We are all alone..."

His voice trailed off, and he blushed, looking over the edge of the chariot, narrowly avoiding Twilight's look. "What... was that?" She asked, only receiving a shrug in response.

"I dunno... just something that came to mind..." Ivory sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back. "It's not even the whole song, I'm sure of it..."

Twilight smiled a bit and followed Ivory’s lead. She figured that she had time for at least a small nap on the way to Canterlot. Perhaps magically her frazzled mind and even more frazzled mane would fix themselves once they were at the castle…