A friendly chat

by Kinky Pie

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Comedy
Length: 1043

Soldier and Demoman have a friendly chat with Merasmus.

The RED Soldier and Demoman tracked down Merasmus the Magician to Equestria, and plan to have a friendly chat with him.

If anyone can make cover art of this, that would be greatly appreciated.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-01 20:50:01 UTC

A friendly chat

Two red earth pony stallions calmly walked through the streets of Ponyville, searching for a 'friend' of theirs. The one on the left had a black wool cap on his head, and an eye patch over his left eye. His tail was short and black; his cutie mark was a spherical object with spikes on it. The one on the right had an even shorter brown tail and a gray helmet that covered his eyes. His cutie mark was a cylindrical object with an smoke trail.

They were obviously old friends, or at the very least, acquaintances who knew each other well. They were also arguing loudly about something.

"I'm telling you, his place is this way!" argued the stallion with the helmet. He looked down again at the piece of paper he was holding, lifting up his helmet a little so he could see better. On the paper in sloppy hoofwriting were the words "Merasmus the Magician" with a picture of a tree.

"Solly, I'm half-blind 'n' nearly always drunk, but even I can tell yuir going the wrong way." sighed the stallion with the eye patch.

"Shut it, Tavish. See, his house is right there!" the one called "Solly" said, pointing ahead. The one eyed stallion squinted ahead, then laughed.

"Thas' a tree, laddie."

"But it's Merasmus's tree!" he shouted.

"Why would a magician, who hates you because yuir the WORST roommate ever, and hates me because I'm 'obsessed' with me left eye, live 'n a tree of all places?"

"...I've heard of worse places to live. Hell, I've even lived in worse places. But it doesn't matter. I'm going in whether you're with me or not. CHARGE!" The red stallion galloped at the tree house, a sadistic smirk on his face. A few meters from the door, he stumbled and fell flat on his face and kicked at the air.

"MEN, I HAVE FALLEN! AVENGE ME AND KILL THAT SISSY MERASMUS THE MAGGOT!" Solly cried.

The other red stallion facehoofed and walked over, chuckling. "Lad, ye've gone and tripped over yuir own hooves again. Here, lemme help ya up."

While the one-eyed stallion helped his teammate off the ground, a young purple dragon awoke from his sleep abruptly, and walked onto the balcony, rubbing his eyes.

"Could the two of you please be a little quieter? I'm trying to sleep in here." Spike said, looking down at the two earth ponies. The two of them looked at each other, then back at Spike, then back at each other.

"See, I told ye' that dragons exist!" smirked Tavish. Solly shook his head and looked away. Tavish had always fancied medieval folklore, and had hope to find a dragon, or at the very least

a dragon's remains some day.

"That... that doesn't count! This isn't our world anyway!" He grumbled.

"That don't mean they don't exist, boyo." He said, still smirking.

Solly looked back up at Spike. "Is there someone named...Merasmus in there? We need to talk with him. Now." The young dragon nodded and went to fetch thewizard.

A few minutes later, a tall black unicorn stallion levitating a book with his magic walked onto the balcony. "What do you two want?"

"Just to talk..." Solly said in as friendly of a voice he could manage. The unicorn gasped and dropped the book, a flash of recognition crossing his face.

"SOLDIER! What are you and that miserable waste of good beer doing here?" he bellowed.

"Calm down laddie, we jus' wanna have a 'friendly chat'." said the one-eyed stallion. The book he was levitating earlier had fallen upside down on the ground and now appeared to be muttering something. Tavish walked to it and flipped it over, grinning evilly. "Well well well, if it isn't me good buddy the Bombinomicon."

"Hey, watch it! This binding is worth more either of your crappy lives!"

"Don't touch him!" shouted Merasmus as he wrapped the book in his magical grasp and levitated it back to the balcony. "What is it you want?"

"I WANT ME EYE BACK, YE' BASTARD!" Tavish yelled, jumping in the air and grabbing onto the talking book of bombs. Merasmus lightly flinched at the extra weight, but quickly recovered and shook the red stallion off of the Bombinomicon.

"Never! Monoculus is a better roommate than you or Soldier could ever be!"

Soldier winced and glared at Merasmus. "Take that back, you maggot!" He began jumping up and down, trying to reach the wizard and his book. Merasmus laughed and dangled the book within reach a few times, both stallions jumping up to grab it, only for it to be pulled back up onto the balcony again.

"Euugh, don't do that again. I think I'm gonna be sick..." the Bombinomicon mumbled. Merasmus sighed and calmly set the book on his back, walking inside. He set the book on a shelf and walked downstairs.

"What was that all about?" asked Spike. He had heard Merasmus talking to the figures below and was curious about them.

"Oh, just two old acquaintances that wanted to talk. No big deal." the wizard replied casually.

"If it's no big deal, why are they till out there yelling at you?" Spike said, looking out the window.

"WHAT?"

Merasmus walked to the window and opened it, gazing at the red stallions.

"Merasmus, I've got yuir nickel! Give me my eye back!" Tavish said, holding up a golden coin.

"No! It's mine! The Bombinomicon took haunted it and I took it out of your head fair and square!" Merasmus yelled back. Tavish grumbled angrily and looked away.

Soldier walked closer to the treehouse, and holding up a sack of bits, calmly said, "Come on out Merasmus, I've got your rent."

Merasmus looked at the sack, then at the Bombinomicon. "Don't do it." the book whispered. "He was a terrible roommate."

"Please?" asked Soldier.

"I'm not coming out, and that's final! You had your chance, and you squandered it by not paying me earlier, among other things you've done to spite me. Take your cyclops

friend and get out!" he yelled, slamming the window shut.

Tavish and Soldier exchanged glances, then walked off, the latter of the two already planning on how to lure him out.