A War of Words - The Opening of the Guard

by Georg

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3710

Diplomacy, gender and sisterhood in conflict, as reflected in memo form

The history of war may be written by the winner, but the Royal Historian is the one who provides the notes and background to the writer. The recent events that some have called ‘Mare Wars’ or ‘The Invasion of the Barracks’ are no exception. The Royal Historian has painstakingly compiled this folder of notes and background material on what should more accurately be called, ‘The Opening of the Guard.’

Please remember to return the folder back to the Royal Historian when you have completed reading, in the event we gather more material that needs to be included.

Musty Pages, Royal Historian

Source for inside photo
Featured on Equestria Daily and the Royal Canterlot Library
With sequel, The Night Guard - Night Mares
And an interview by Benman

Published 2012-12-03 06:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-03 06:10:01 UTC

Classified - Not For Distribution

A War of Words - The Opening of the Guard
An internal look at modern warfare within the Canterlot Castle
by Royal Historian Musty Pages

For internal release only

Many historians have studied the great wars of the ancient times, from the First Gryphon War all the way up to the recent Twenty-Year Frazzleberry/Lime War. While the weapons have changed from spears and ballista, to the more modern frappe and lime-custard, the strategies all have consistent themes: Divide and Conquer, Air Superiority, Psychological Warfare, Espionage, and the ever popular Diplomacy.

While what is now being called the First Diarchy War encompasses many of the classic themes, it is only the first conflict of many since the return of Princess Luna, and therefore needs to be assigned a more correct term: The Opening of the Guard⁽*⁾.

Attached you will find original documents painstakingly recovered from wastebins⁽¹⁾ and other sources across Canterlot Castle during our investigation. While the collection is incomplete, I believe it is sufficient from which to draw conclusions and research papers⁽²⁾ for the next several years while the repercussions reverberate throughout royal society.
—
(*) The Office of the Royal Historian recognizes the bon mot behind the phrase ‘Opening of the Guard’ relating to the introduction of mares into the ranks of the Royal Guard, but would advise against those of low moral character spreading it around to display their wit. The phrase was suggested by Princess Luna herself.
(1) One of the least glamorous tasks of the Royal Historian is that of emptying the trash cans, but it can have unexpected benefits. For example, the Diplomatic section tends to throw away some of the most beautiful furniture.
(2) and Royal grants

(recovered from the Royal Breakfast Nook, Southern Wing, Sunrise Section)
Sorry for missing breakfast with you Tia. It seems somepony used all the toilet paper from that little bathroom off the back of the throne room, and it took an hour to get one of the Royal Guard to bring in a new roll. I swear we depend on them to defend our citizens from manticores and hydras, but they can’t even answer their Princess’ call for assistance in an hour of great need. May I please have some female guards assigned?

(stapled onto original)
Why do you even need to ask, Luna? Remember, you have the same authority as I do now.
P.S. With the exception of banning alfalfa from the Royal Menu. I swear it’s not poisonous and it’s good for you. Besides, Chef Ram Sea has been adding it to your lunch salads for a week now, and you have yet to complain.

(from hospital records: urgent memo from Dr. Nip to Princess Celestia)
Princess Celestia, is there something wrong with your sister that she is not telling us? She came storming in here about an hour ago, demanding that her stomach be pumped and refuses to identify the substance she ingested, only that it is ‘icky.’ When we refused her request without more information on her condition, she went storming out of the hospital. We mean that literally, because there is a black cloud over the hospital since she left, and the grounds are getting waterlogged. Once you calm down your sister and find out what is wrong, could you send a few weather pegasi to clear things up, please?

(from official records: Royal Guard)
To: The Commanders of the Royal Guard, both Night and Day
RE: Staffing
Starting immediately, I wish my personal guard to have a number of mares assigned to it so the the ratio of stallions to mares within my unit may be returned to what it was before my exile.
Signed this day
Princess Luna, Diarch

(recovered from the Royal Kitchen)
To: All kitchen personnel
RE: Missing ingredients
Last night, some unmentionable bastard stole my bottle of peppermint concentrate. Either it magically shows back up in the storeroom, or there’s going to be a lot of pain around here.
Chef Ram Sea

(from official records: Royal Guard)
To: Princess Luna, Diarch
RE: Staffing(response)
I'm sorry Princess, but there are not any mares serving within the Royal Guard to meet your request for staffing changes.
Sincerely,
Swift Wings, Commander of the Royal Guard, Day Division
Buttercup, Commander of the Royal Guard, Night Division

(from hospital records: Princess file)
…Princess Celestia seems to be suffering from a caustic substance having been applied to the center of her tongue by an unknown item, most probably a feather quill of some sort. Light burns similar to this have been observed in unicorn school foals either as a practical joke, or when a misguided parent attempts to keep their foal from sucking on the end of the quill while writing. In either case, the substance (No-Suck, or Phenylthiocarbamide) would not explain the intensity of the damage, or the strong lingering odor of peppermint. Toxicology reports no significant danger, so we will be releasing her back into the custody of the Court Physician with a short list of dietary restrictions for the next few days until she is fully recovered. Nothing major, just no caffeinated substances such as tea or chocolate until the healing spell wears off.
-Dr. Nip

(from official records: Royal Guard)
To: The Commanders of the Royal Guard, both Night and Day
RE: Staffing(response)
That was not a request.
Signed this day
Princess Luna, Diarch

(from the correspondence file: Night Steward)
…with that in mind, I am forced to reject your request for a transfer out of the Night staff. It is our duty to attend to the needs of the Crown without question, no matter how trivial or eccentric they may seem on the surface. Perhaps Her Highness simply wanted your opinion on the food, and her repeated question “Do you taste any alfalfa in that?” was merely out of concern for some allergy. I have modified the duty roster to place your station with the ambassadorial staff for the time being. Perhaps in a few weeks you will be able to rejoin us in your normal position.
Signed this day,
Proper Place, Night Steward

(from official records: Royal Guard)
To: Princess Luna, Diarch
RE: Staffing(response)
Princess, I regret that we are unable to assign mares to your personal guard due to their absence within the current ranks of the Royal Guard, or in Cadet status at the Academy. If you so desire, we will begin work on a process to eventually begin to accept mares into the Academy, but changes such as this take time, perhaps even a decade or two so that cultural barriers will not provide an impediment to this undertaking.

Please feel free to contact us regarding this modification to existing procedure.
Sincerely,
Buttercup, Commander of the Royal Guard, Night Division
Swift Wings, Commander of the Royal Guard, Day Division

(request: Canterlot Archives)
To: Miss Pince-Nez, Supervising Archivist
RE: Research project for Princess Luna
Please begin researching the archives immediately for a spell that can transform a stallion into a mare, in particular the rock-headed idiotic kind of stallions who run the Royal Guard.
Princess Luna, Diarch

(Canterlot Archives records)
To: Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria
RE: (response) Research project
I’m sorry Princess. If such a spell exists, we cannot find it anywhere. We did find one that would turn them into a cactus or a frog, but they would still be male.
We will continue our search, but I doubt we will find what you want.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Pince-Nez, Supervising Archivist
P.S. I sympathize with you totally in this regard. I married one, and I’m tempted daily to turn him into a cactus.

(from bulletin board: Canterlot Castle)

Today for one day only
Open Auditions
Canterlot Gardens, all day
Major undisclosed rock band seeks guitar player for stand-in position. Bring your own instruments, amplifier provided.

(Canterlot Times-Tribune clipping)
…interrupted in the middle of the afternoon by Princess Luna, who descended into the audition session, shouting something about sleep. After smashing a half-dozen electric guitars and sending two speakers into orbit, the auditions were declared over and the crowd dispersed. When asked about the Princess’ actions, Haze, the lead guitar player for the band Exsanguination went on record to say, “Wow dude, she like totally trashed the place. It was, like, awesome. She can play in our band whenever she wants. I can hardly wait to hear how she sings, that would be, like, rippin. And some blonde dame was handing out peppermints and giggling during her solo, it was like wow. They’re good too.”

(recovered from the Royal Breakfast Nook, Southern Wing, Sunrise Section)
Tia! That was most distasteful. I was rather upset over the Royal Guard’s resistance to placing mares within the ranks of my personal protection unit, and having that group of ruffians mangling their instruments outside our window did not make it any better!
Love,
Luna
P.S. I’m sorry to hear about your little accident. You know it isn’t very polite to suck on your writing quills. You used to tell me that all the time.

(recovered from the Royal Breakfast Nook, Southern Wing, Sunrise Section)
Sis, all you had to do was ask.
Don’t worry about my little accident. These things happen.
Celestia

(from bulletin board: Canterlot Castle)

Today for One Day Only

Open Competition
Canterlot Gardens
First Annual School Percussion Competition
Open to all schools in the area. Cash prizes for top groups.
Free Admission
Free balloons and juice boxes for the children.

(Canterlot Times-Tribune clipping)
…had an unexpected visitor this afternoon when Princess Luna arrived to the joy of all the children, even taking the invitation of the Southside Children’s Drum Band to conduct one of their songs. It is so rare to see the Princess of the Night out during the daylight hours, but obviously her love for the children is greater than her need for sleep, and today dozens of young colts and fillies got a thrill far greater than they anticipated.

(notes from the Night Steward to the Royal Guard)
…just fell asleep right in the middle of Baron Frazzleberry’s request for tax abatement. I cancelled the rest of the Night Court’s appointments for the evening and had a couple of the Royal Guard carry her back to bed. I don’t think Baron Frazzleberry noticed, because he was still going strong when we all left and turned out the lights.

(notes from the Night Steward to the Day Steward)
…starting to understand just why Her Highness wanted some female Guards. The idiots carried her upstairs like they were supposed to, but apparently none of them wanted to actually enter the Royal Bedchambers. Thank the stars, Princess Celestia woke up from their argument and carried her sister back to her own bed, or she would have woken up this evening in a very foul mood from sleeping in the corridor. She deserves a reward for this, so can you see if Chef Ram Sea can whip up something a little special for breakfast? She hasn’t had Chocolate Moose for a while, and that always seems to put a little spring in her step.

(from hospital records: Princess file)
…ate the entire desert despite strict instructions to the contrary, and has set back the healing spells progress substantially. If she could just restrain herself from chocolate and caffeine for one day, the healing will be complete. I swear, Alicorns make the worst patients.

(from staff reports, Night division, household staff)
…immediate request for something that will remove permanent marker without damaging skin. And hurry! Maybe we can get Princess Luna cleaned up before she wakes up. I don’t think any of the guards had anything to do with this, since they’re too chicken to even go into her room.

(from castle records: Kitchen)
To: Miss Cozy, Royal Tea Stewardess
Re: Scheduling
Please arrange a setting for tea this afternoon at approximately 3:15 P.M. in the Darjeeling Room. Mrs. Primary and Mrs. Jasmine will be dining with us. I believe I will have one of the non-caffeinated teas, possibly a Peach Bellini if it is available. In keeping with the decor and the military nature of our guests, I would presume the Darjeeling de Triomphe would be appropriate to serve. I appreciate your working this meeting into our busy schedule; it is very important for my sister.

I do so look forward to the completion of my medical regime so I may once again be free to partake in your most delightful beverages.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia

(retrieved from trash can, Royal Guard Office of the Commander, Night Division)
FOR PERSONAL DELIVERY ONLY:
To: Buttercup (Urgent)
RE: Your crazy boss
What in heck is going on? My wife is headed to have tea with the Princess! My Princess! Do you think this has anything to do with that crazy request Luna put in to have mares added to her Guard unit?
Swifty

(retrieved from trash can, Royal Guard Office of the Commander, Day Division)
FOR PERSONAL DELIVERY ONLY:
To: Swift Wings, Commander of the Royal Guard, Day Division (Urgent)
RE: Princess Luna
I do believe our charges are conspiring with each other in order to advance their mutual agendas. While I do not believe Princess Celestia is quite prepared at present to accept female members in her personal protective unit, she had brought the subject up quite recently, perhaps in an attempt to ‘unbend’ the Guard in their traditional all-male role. While I personally agree with you that the introduction of acceptable female Guard members into our units has always been a low probability possibility, one must remember that our charges possess the power to manipulate the heavens themselves. To stand in opposition to that power, even if one considers it to be wrong, is not wise.

Also, Princess Celestia may have invited your wife to tea, but she invited my mother-in-law. As foolish as it may seem to oppose one who moves the sun and moon, I’m not dumb enough to fight Jasmine. Why don’t we continue this conversation tonight at the Shady Trough? I invited the municipal guard commander and a couple of his lieutenants. We should be able to offer a few of his experienced female officers temporary positions on the household staff as a stopgap measure until we can get some regular trainees through the Academy. I’m buying the first round, but you better bring your wallet. And don’t tell me there’s no pockets in that shiny armor of yours, because that old excuse quit being funny a century ago.

Sincerely,
Buttercup, Commander of the Royal Guard, Night Division
P.S. You do realize that the Royal Historian has a very good record of retrieving personal correspondence from within the castle walls, correct?

(from bulletin board: Canterlot Castle)

Today for One Day Only
Battle of the Bagpipes
Top Prizes of 5,000 bits for the following categories
Solo Bagpipe
Electric Bagpipes
Bagpipe Quartets
Bagpipe and Electric Guitar Combo

Canterlot Gardens
Free Admission and Cider

(from official records: internal memo)
To: Princess Celestia, Diarch
RE: Declaration of War
That is the last straw, my sister! I shall gather my forces and meet you on the most ancient field of battle. Let none be spared.

Name your time and place.

Princess Luna, Princess of the Night, Caretaker of the Moon and Mistress of Shadow

(from official records: internal memo)
To: Princess Luna, Bratty Little Sister
RE: Declaration of War
If that is your wish, I shall grant it with great enthusiasm! Let the battle be joined in our most ancient tradition. I shall arrange my forces to meet yours within my bedchambers this very evening, one hour prior to sunset.

The Day shall triumph!

Princess Celestia, Solaris Invictus

“So how are things going this evening, Guard?” asked Captain Shining Armor as he made an early-evening pass through the Royal Tower. “Anything to report?”

“No, Captain Shining Armor!” said the guard with a sharp salute. “All remains quiet and peaceful.”

“Good, good.” The captain looked up and down the corridor outside the Princesses’ bedchambers and lowered his voice. “There’s been some rumors flying around about Princess Luna requesting some female guards for her unit. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“No, Captain Shining Armor sir! I am completely ignorant.”

“Well,” the captain said with a sigh. “If you happen to see anything out of the ordinary—”

A loud ‘click’ sounded through the hallway as the door to Princess Luna’s room swung open. The Princess of the Moon emerged, fully dressed in a set of black silk pajamas and towing what looked like every single pillow from her room behind her wrapped in a light blue magical aura.

“Good evening, Captain Shining Armor,” said Luna as she glided past the two Royal Guards on her way to her sister’s room, followed by her bevy of pillows.

“Good evening, Princess,” said Shining Armor with a bow and an absolutely straight face. “Is there anything we might do for you this evening?”

“I have some things to discuss with my sister. I would appreciate it if we were not disturbed.”

“As you wish, My Princess,” replied the captain. The two guards watched in silence as Luna walked to the door and knocked exactly once.

“SURRENDER, MY SISTER! THOU ART TRAPPED, AND MY FORCES GREATLY OUTNUMBER THINE!”

“Never!” cried out a strong voice from inside the room. “My loyal forces have been greatly reinforced, and I have constructed a powerful fortress in my defense! We shall prevail!”

“HAVE AT THEE!” Luna charged into the open doorway and began firing pillows into the room.

As the last pillows began to trail the Lunar Princess into Celestia’s bedroom, the guard leaned over to Shining Armor and whispered, “Disturbed?”

The last pillow headed into the room reversed course, traveling back down the corridor at just under the speed of sound and catching the hapless guard straight in the face. While the guard clattered backwards down the corridor in a scrambled mess of armored legs, the pillow returned to its owner, vanishing into the bedroom just before the door closed.

“You must be the guard who didn’t bring Princess Luna her ‘paper’ a few days ago, right?” asked Shining Armor as he looked down at the stunned guard, still trying to sit up.

Behind the captain, the solid stone walls of the castle began to reverberate with impacts, sounding much like a giant trying to pound his way out of a thick wall. Between the thuds, muffled battle cries and exclamations filtered out into the corridor.

“Thy fortress has a flaw in its construction! Take that!”

“Nay, it is impregnable! Behold, my additional forces lie in wait! Attack!”

“Your soldiers are fat and lazy from sitting around, supporting thy prodigious flank! Even on their best day, they can never catch— Tia!”

“Are you injured, my sister?”

“Nay, thou hast fallen for my ruse! Attack, my loyal minions! She is a vast target, thy blows shall be true!”

“Hey! I’ll get you for that! Take this! And this!”

During a brief lull in the ongoing conflict, the guard whispered, “What are we going to do, sir?”

“You have it easy.” Shining Armor fixed the guard with his most steely gaze. “Just stand there and guard that door. Understand?”

“B-but what if they—”

“Then stand here. And guard. That door. Look, your entire reason for existing right now is to stand on that spot, and guard. If I come back, and somebody has stolen that door, I’m going to be upset. You understand?”

“Sir, no sir!”

“Let me make this perfectly clear.” Shining Armor sighed, and pressed a hoof to his forehead in concentration. “For all intents and purposes for tonight, you could be replaced by a statue. Stand there. Look straight ahead. Don’t move. I’m the one with the dangerous job here. In about an hour, both Princesses will probably come out of their room, and go looking for a snack. I’m going down to the kitchen to make sure the cake cabinet and the ice cream freezer are unlocked, and to chase the kitchen staff away so the Princesses won’t be bothered. Then comes the really difficult part.” The captain gave another sigh. “I go off duty and have to explain to Cadence what her aunts are up to tonight.”

The guard may have been slow, but that did not mean he was stationary. He slowly raised one hoof in a salute and resumed his statue-like stance. “Good luck, sir.”

Captain Shining Armor returned the salute, turned, and strode downstairs in the direction of Princess Cadence’s room. There were a lot of difficulties with this job, but the rewards outweighed them by far.

(from the correspondence file: Night Steward)
Please join with me in welcoming the new members of the castle Night staff, on temporary assignment from the Canterlot Police Department:

Mrs. Thermal, Lieutenant, Vice Squad
Mrs. Banehammer, Sergeant, Homicide
Mrs. Rose Petal, Sergeant, Domestic Violence
Miss Grace, Lieutenant Commander, Office of Special Investigation

They will be supplementing the Royal Guard protective unit for Princess Luna from now until replacement female cadets graduate from the Academy. Please make them feel welcome and extend to them the respect and every hospitality that should be expected from their new positions.
Signed this day,
Proper Place, Night Steward
P.S. The welcoming party will be held at the Shady Trough tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. Catering provided by Pinkie Pie, paid for courtesy of the Crown. Open bar.

(from castle records: Royal Seamstress)
To: Princess Celestia, Diarch of Equestria
RE: Pillow repair completed
As requested, repairs upon both your and your sister’s bedding have been completed, and the pillows returned to the appropriate sleeping quarters. In addition, your special request for a dozen pillows reinforced to your specifications has been processed and is awaiting a shipment of material. It seems our stocks of that material were consumed in nearly identical orders from both your sister and Princess Cadence earlier this morning. I apologize for the delay, and hope it does not cause you any inconvenience.

As always, your faithful servant,
Rusty Pin, Royal Seamstress

Source Elenafreckle at Deviantart