One sweaty summer day at Canterlot…
Walking through the castle gardens, the unicorns Twilight Sparkle and Moondancer slowly edge across from each other as they head in opposite directions.
A dimly-lit castle corridor, stained with the blood of ponies all along it. In the shadows, two red eyes glare at-
As Twilight and Moondancer pass each other by, a slight wind breezes through the scene.
“Hey, they say there’s a new mare in town. Oh, she has this long, flowing gold mane and…”
Twilight’s eyes suddenly veer left, in the other pony’s direction. As Moondancer moves forward…
Galloping out of the darkness, the mare reveals blood-stained teeth, and seems to be charging right at-
The wind pushes her skirt upwards and forwards, from where Twilight has too good a view of…
Twilight, with a blank expression on her face, lies in a pool of blood.
Moondancer’s CUTIE MARK!
The moon shines bright…
For exactly 1:00 seconds. Yes, we timed it. We were bored. Bored, and also out of nachos.
…And the eyes of a vampony stare right back at her.
“WhatcanIdoWhatcanIdoWhatcanIdo? How am I ever supposed to focus on my studies with the sight of Moondancer’s CUTIE MARK still stuck in my head?!”
“My most faithful student Twilight Sparkle…”
“I’m fairly certain I didn’t put ‘get bitten by a vampony’ in my list of instructions on the right way to acquire a… perfect decent and unsuspicious pony magazine, eheh”
“…you know you could have just come to me in the first place. I could’ve easily turned you back to normal”.
All of which has unfolded here…
…Will have pretty much nothing to do with anything in the following story. Well, ‘least not for the next couple of books anyway.
~ Mahou Shinwamonogatari ~
- Book One: Entire Cast Pony -
It was another bright and sunny day down in Ponyville, sun shining, birds singing, and everypony was happily going along about their everyday business. Naturally, this was all thanks to the one and only Rainbow Dash, who with her quick-as-lightning agility and awesome speed had been effortlessly clearing away every last cloud that dotted the sky.
“Alright, now it’s just you and me” she announced to the air, as her eyes were now pinpointed on the only cloud left standing (or left floating, since it’s a cloud and all, er, but anyway). Wings at the ready, she was all poised to take it out with a single, almighty burst of super-speed, the likes of which Equestria had never seen… When who should interrupt her but, well, who else?
“Hiya Dashie!” Pinkie Pie enthusiastically called out to the pegasus as she sailed straight upwards via pink hot-air balloon “Just wanted to say that was a super-cool prank you pulled off”.
“Oh, hey there Pinkster”, Rainbow Dash said back to her friend “I was, kinda about to pull of an ultra-mega fast totally out-of-this-world dive and all, but ’spose I could always get back to it I guess. Hey, d’you mean that prank where I covered Rarity’s boutique in a bunch of storm clouds?”.
“Nope” Pinkie Pie giggled.
“Or that one where I gave Twilight a piece of blank paper, saying it was secretly an ancient mystical scripture written in invisible ink?” she said instead.
“Nope again” Pinkie continued to giggle.
“What, you mean that one where I rang a random pony to ask if there refrigerator was trotting? Yeah, it was kinda fun, but also a bit been-there-done-that” she hazarded a guess.
“Nopeity-nope-nope-nope” Pinkie said “I mean the one you did just now”.
“Huh, what one I did just now? I’ve just been clearing away clouds, that’s all” Rainbow Dash hesitantly asked.
“Oh you can’t fool me Dashie, I mean the one where you totally dropped this girl out of the sky” Pinkie said as she held up said girl pony, currently unconscious, with her front hooves. Her mane and tail were a dark purple colour, she was wearing a pink jacket with rolled-up sleeves, and she sported a… certainly sharp-looking Cutie Mark.
“She would’ve been okay and all though, she‘s light as a feather! Even though ponies aren‘t supposed to be as light as feathers and all” Pinkie speedily added. Seeing as this was Pinkie it was hard to tell if it was meant to be a reassurance or not.
“Wait what?!” Rainbow Dash burst out “You‘re telling me somepony just fell right out of the sky like that?” she exclaimed.
“Yep, there I was on one of my everyday deliveries for Sugarcube Corner, when all of sudden she came slowly floating down, so I just reached out and grabbed her” Pinkie said, trying to illustrate the fall with the motion of one of her hooves “Hmm, although I don’t think I’ve ever seen this pony around before. I know, the moment she wakes up let’s throw a big, awesome party for her” Pinkie declared.
“Er Pinkie, you know I‘m normally 100% cool with you throwing awesome parties and all, but…” Rainbow flew over a bit to get a closer look at the girl Pinkie had found “Why do I sorta get the feeling that this is one pony you do not want to throw a party for?”.
“Oh c’mon Dashie, I can’t imagine what sort of pony wouldn’t like a good party” Pinkie said. The pegasus only gulped in response.
***
It was much later in the day now, the sky had turned into a more tired and subdued shade of orange, yet at this sleepier time of day one pony was instead beginning to stir awake.
The strange pony had barely gotten a chance to open her eyes when suddenly the sound of the loudest party streamer she’d ever heard shook her eardrums. “Surprise!” a loud, impossibly cheery voice shot out.
The pony stared around in shock as she saw her apartment had been filled from top to bottom with balloons, banners, food and a great big sign saying ‘WELCOME AND HAPPY PARTYGOING, SOMEPONY I DON”T EVEN KNOW’.
“Hi there, name’s Pinkie Pie! Oh don’t mind me, I just saw you falling and all so I decided to catch you, and since I didn’t know you and all even though I know everypony in Ponyville I decided to throw a huuuuuge party for-” Pinkie’s continuous yammering was swiftly cut short as the unknown pony leapt up and held Pinkie’s left cheek in the grip of her stapler.
“Hey, who do you think you are-” Rainbow Dash began the instant upon seeing what this new pony was trying to do to her friend, but it seemed Pinkie was hardly hindered as she resumed talking almost right away.
“Oh, you’re probably wondering how we found your house and all, that was easy. Since I practically know everypony in Ponyville it was as easy as searching out the residence I didn’t recognise. Hmm, ‘residence I didn’t recognise’, that kinda has a catchy rhythm, don’t you think-” Pinkie’s oblivious talkativeness was cut short yet again, as the strange pony had this time raised a knife to the inside of Pinkie’s remaining cheek.
“Now if you even try to talk again you’ll be-” the unknown pony finally spoke, but couldn’t believe herself when the pink one still kept going on.
“So as I said my name’s Pinkie Pie. Oh, and over there is my friend Rainbow Dash, she’s the fastest flyer in all of Ponyville and is super-awesome at pulling pranks like me and-”
Annoyed yet oddly astounded at how she could keep on talking even with a knife and a stapler inside her mouth, the strange pony decided to end this by pressing down on the stapler right into Pinkie’s cheek. Yet all Pinkie did was swallow and gulp the staple in her mouth right down.
“Meh, tastes kinda tangy” Pinkie said in response “Hey, you know what really tastes great? CUPCAKES! Oh you’re gonna love this new batch I made up today, so you could have a real Pinkie Pie party!” she exclaimed, like nothing had ever happened.
“You know what? I don’t even want a… Greyie-Pasty party” the strange pony snarled “Is your sole purpose in my life simply to provide irritation for me?”.
“Come on Battlefield, you don’t have to be so glum about things” Pinkie said.
“Battlefield?” the pony questioned.
“Yeah, my Pinkie-Senses told me-”
“Your what?” ‘Battlefield’ interjected.
“-Your name was something like, er, ‘Battlefield Construction Site’” Pinkie finished.
“Close enough, I suppose” Battlefield slowly said.
“Rainbow Dash’s a way cooler name” a particular pegasus muttered out of earshot.
Battlefield then moved towards Pinkie Pie “Alright, if your ill-defined extrasensory abilities were able to piece together a fairly crude translation of my name, then here’s a bonus question: How come I only weigh as much as five ounces?”.
“Ooh, you’re… on an exclusively Flitter-Float fruit diet?” Pinkie began “No, you, er… trained under a legendary lost sensei specialising in the hidden martial of ‘Weightlessness Fu’?” she then suggested.
“Are you just toying with me?” Battlefield came out bluntly “Assuming you haven‘t always been“.
“No no, if I was ‘toying’ with you I would’ve-”
“-Brought out a jack-in-the-box or something?” Battlefield finished Pinkie’s words “You know, you really are getting all the more easy to read”.
“Hey, don’t you know it’s not nice to keep interrupting people while they’re trying to talk!” Pinkie suddenly snapped.
“Well don’t you know it’s not nice to give away all your money to some weird cult that just popped up out of nowhere, criminally neglect your family because of it, and get the wrong idea entirely when your daughter competes in a sport she’s not even suited to and gets stalked by some so-called lesbian as a result!” Battlefield yelled back.
“Wow, you have issues!” Pinkie Pie responded.
“…Actually I can kinda get where she’s coming from” Rainbow Dash then said.
The apartment went silent for some time, an unusual circumstance seeing as Pinkie Pie was in the room, till Battlefield sighed and explained “I lost my weight after being pinched by a magical crab I met, the reason I fell out of the sky today was because somepony had left a banana peel up there. Satisfied?”.
In return, Pinkie said “Never fear Battlefield, I’ll get your weight back for you”, striking a heroic pose in the process… or at least her best attempt at one. “I’ll take you to see my friend Fluttershy, she’ll know exactly what to do”.
“Hold on! You’re going to take -her- to see -Fluttershy-?” Rainbow gasped “Are you absolutely sure you aren’t talking about some other Fluttershy? Oh I can‘t watch!”.
“‘Course I am, what other Fluttershy do we know?” Pinkie said “She’s really good with animals, she’d know just what to do about some mean-old crab. Follow me Battlefield!”.
As Pinkie began merrily bouncing towards the door, Battlefield sighed and said “I guess I had nothing better to do tonight”.
Normally the scene would’ve ended there, but Pinkie Pie turned around one last time and said “By the way Dashie, do you like bananas?”.
Rainbow Dash could’ve froze “Oh no, totally know where this is going. I’m off”.
***
“Is all this bouncing really necessary?” Battlefield asked, the two had been hopping all the way to Fluttershy’s house.
“Oh I just thought it’d cheer you up, bouncing always lifts my mood” Pinkie replied “Besides, I thought you‘d be good at bouncing, since you‘re kinda weightless and everything”.
“Who do you think you are, some character from a children’s cartoon?” Battlefield retorted “And must you keep rubbing that in, my weightlessness happens to make any form of athletic activity harder for me”.
“A children’s cartoon? Hah, that would be silly!” Pinkie said “I’m really a character in a super-spy action crime drama, filled with giant lasers and monstrous kitty cats and secretly plotting washing machines and- Oh no, have I said too much?”.
“More than enough” Battlefield muttered.
“Also, don’t worry if you’re having problems with bouncing and stuff” Pinkie began, before turning it into “As Rainbow Dash would say, you gotta bounce even harder! Break your limits!”.
“I think I’m going to be physically ill”.
“That’s the spirit!”.
Battlefield was reluctant to strike up more of a conversation after that, but as the two were getting closer to their destination she ventured forth with “So what is this Fluttershy like? Judging from her name, perhaps she is some sort of moe archetype?”.
“Huh, mo-ay? You mean like those big rocky statues on those islands to the south of Equestria?” Pinkie replied.
“Are you not the slightest bit familiar with modern anime?” Battlefield said.
“What, Annie May? Who’s Annie May? Oh no, have I forgotten to throw a welcoming party for her? Quickly, we’ll need streamers, and cake, and balloons, and- Ah, we’re here!” Pinkie went on.
Just when Battlefield was about to reach her boiling point, the two had the fortune to finally have arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage. “Now there you are Mr Porcupine, I’m sure in time that your spikes will be able to grow back with-” a gentle, whisper-like voice was coming from inside, before…
“Hiya Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie burst straight in through the door “You’ll never guess, I made this new friend today, her name’s Battlefield, and she can like, are you ready, float and all ‘cause she’s weighs nothing, nada, zip, zilch. You see there was this magic crab and-”
“And seeing as you are a known animal worker, I entrust that you will be able to find a way of removing this crab-inflicted ailment from me, likely from establishing communication of a sort with said crab” Battlefield again finished for Pinkie, going against any prior insistence not to.
“Eep, w-well hello there, Miss, er, Miss Battlefield” Fluttershy said, clearly not at ease as Battlefield was moving closer and closer to her “Only, crabs are very sensitive creatures, so you need to be careful when approaching them. B-but I’m sure I could arrange something for you, as you seem so s-serious”.
~Yes, definitely a ‘big rocky statue’~ “Alright, when?” Battlefield spoke “The sooner this is all resolved, the better”.
“Ooh ooh, since we’re talking about crabs and all, did you know that some ponies say they can see a crab up there in the moon? Hard to believe, right?” Pinkie chimed in.
“Wait, that could be it. If there really is a magical crab around here, maybe we’ll have a chance to talk with it sometime later at night” Fluttershy said.
“You’re truly going to believe a random sentence she oh-so-coincidentally sputtered out like that?” Battlefield asked “Oh don’t tell me it’s her Spid-‘Pinkie Senses’ again?”.
“Okay then. Um, if it’s not too much bother, could you please come back a teensy bit later once I have everything we’ll need set up? I also don’t want sound rude, but you might want to freshen up a bit, if-if that’s fine with you” Fluttershy then said.
“Waitwaitwait, Nightmare Moon’s a crab?!” Pinkie exclaimed from out of nowhere.
“Yes. Yes she is” either of the two other ponies could‘ve said.
***
“Well Pinkie, is this not a present in return enough for you?”
“A present? For me?! Wow, is it a miniature go-cart? Or the newly-released ‘1001 Cupcake Recipes’ book? Does it come in a box covered in that bubble wrap that’s so super-fun to pop?”.
“…Seriously?”.
***
It was now much later at night, with the moon shining directly over the clearing behind Fluttershy’s house where she, Pinkie Pie and Battlefield had gathered. There was a giant circle scrawled in chalk in the middle of the field, though it had strange-sounding words written on it Fluttershy was no Twilight Sparkle or Zecora, the whole set-up was more to create an image than to have any real magical power.
Fluttershy was just placing the finishing touches, a plate of algae and fungi if the crab was hungry, and even some nice flowers if it would like some, in the centre of the circle. “Okay, that should be it, now I need to slowly, carefully, start the summoning ritual” she said.
Fluttershy was then up on her hind-hooves with her front-hooves extended above her head. She’d begun making awkward sideways motions while chanting in a scissory, snippety tongue, finally ending with “…so if you wouldn’t mind taking just a few seconds of your time, we’d be really grateful for that, thank you”.
At first, nothing, nada, zip, zilch was all that happened. Then the ground started shaking, as a figure of an enormous spectre started appearing within the circle.
“Erm, Miss Battlefield, w-was the crab you met this big exactly?” Fluttershy asked, shaking as she looked upwards.
“Not to my knowledge…” Battlefield cautiously answered.
“Aw, I wanted to get in on the dancing” Pinkie moaned.
A reddish-yellow glow began shining forth from where the crab’s eyes would be. Swiftly it raised its claw and in a lightning motion stomped it down onto the ground, sending Battlefield flying backwards till she crashed and was implanted into a nearby tree.
Then a few seconds later, another loud stomp was heard and Pinkie was then sent crashing into the tree, a little bit above Battlefield. “Whee, that was fun! I wanna go again” Pinkie cheered, before noticing the other pony “Hey, you got to be all wrong-way-around, cool!”.
“I can practically predict your dialogue by now” Battlefield snarled.
But when it looked like the crab had them cornered and all hope was lost, it was then Fluttershy who automatically sprang up and slammed her hoof right into a weak spot on the crab’s head. Then with a great upward turn the oversized crustacean was then flipped over onto it’s back, its legs scuttling in the air.
“Now there’ll be no more of that mister! You’re going to politely give Battlefield’s weight back to her and stop this misbehaving, or am I going to have to teach you more of a lesson?” Fluttershy was yelling at the upturned crab.
“Wait, stop” Battlefield said as she slid down off the tree and came towards the crab. “The truth I was hiding from everypony, the truth I was so reluctant to admit was… I never really wanted my weight to be given back to me”.
“Oof!” Pinkie let out as she slid down with more of a thump than Battlefield had “Hold up, you mean us doing all this and trying to help you, was for nothing?!”.
“Of course, I believe you’ll remember that I never specifically asked you to help me restore any weight” Battlefield shot back “There was… so much heartache going on in my life when I met that crab, that I wanted someone to just, take all the pressure away for me”.
“Battlefield” Fluttershy began as she flew over to consult her “I know it really must have been hard for you back then, if what you say is true. But please, do believe me when I tell you that we’re here for you now, even if nopony was for you back then. You can share the burden with us, so it’s for nothing”.
The yellow pegasus then turned towards Pinkie and asked “W-was that any good, I-I don’t think I’m suited to making these types of speeches. Twilight probably would’ve made it sound so much better”.
Yet at that moment the crab started to disperse into a bright, radiant light. Enchanted, shimmering specks were now floating around everywhere, and Battlefield in particular found herself being showered with them. She then hoofed the ground a bit, and began experimentally trotting around the clearing.
“My weight, it’s- it’s back” she said out, looking over herself.
“Then that means, we did it!” Pinkie cheered, raising her hooves to the air in joy.
“So it looks like that new pony didn’t turn out to be so bad after all” Fluttershy suddenly heard a voice say. Looking around however, she could see it was in fact Rainbow Dash, coming down from the sky to congratulate them.
“Though naturally, had that crab given you any more trouble you could’ve bet your tail I’d have swooped in there and gave it a real-” Rainbow Dash kept going, until she noticed Fluttershy staring at her and said “Er, that is to say, great going back there!”.
“Pinkie” Battlefield then stated.
“Yes?” came the pink pony’s reply.
“I wanted to say, wherever the two of us may go” Battlefield said “Promise me that it will be…”
“PROMISE?!” Pinkie shouted out loud “Yes indeed, promise, above all else, my lips are ultra-sealed! Cross my heart and hope to-”
“You know you ruined my moment there?” Battlefield sighed.
***
“Dear Princess Celestia…” Pinkie pie began reciting to Spike “Yesterday I learned, from a pony I met in a weird way, and at first may have seemed kinda mean, till I went on to have a weirder adventure with…”
Spike quickly began scribbling down, awaiting the important lesson Pinkie had learned.
“…that staples taste really bad” Pinkie came to the conclusion “Your faithful subject Pinkie D. Pie”
“P.S. Trust me, they do taste bad”.
